


My Bijou

by Beatlegirl1968



Series: Maylor - A Love Story [2]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 1970s Era Brian May, 1970s Era Queen (Band), 1970s Era Roger Taylor (Queen), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Babies, Cheating, Children, Depression, Domestic Violence, Drugs, Early Queen, Established Relationship, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Gay Sex, Homophobia, London, M/M, Maylor - Freeform, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Secret Relationship, Smut, Strippers & Strip Clubs, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:35:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 128
Words: 661,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beatlegirl1968/pseuds/Beatlegirl1968
Summary: This is a sequel to - You've Got To Hide Your Love Away.  This new story picks up in early 1975 and continues the love story of two aspiring musicians who found love together under unusual circumstances.  I encourage you to read the first story to fully enjoy this sequel due to original characters, character development and existing plotlines.   Brian and Roger fell in love and have stayed together against all odds.  They struggled through the hardships of forming their band and seeing it rise to success.  1975 holds the promise of real fame and fortune.  It has been hard to hide their love away from the public.  Can they keep it private or will the pressures of fame and fortune drive them apart?  They are preparing to return to America in hopes of completing a tour. Everything is looking up for the band and these two as a new year begins.  Their professional career is taking off and the world is at their feet but their personal lives soon get hit by something completely unexpected.  Brian and Roger try to cope with a surprising addition to their lives.  Roger can't deal with the changes in his life and Brian finds himself questioning everything he thought about who they are together.  Can their relationship survive?
Relationships: Brian May & Roger Taylor, Brian May/Roger Taylor, Freddie Mercury/David Minns, John Deacon/Freddie Mercury, John Deacon/Veronica Tetzlaff
Series: Maylor - A Love Story [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1865680
Comments: 237
Kudos: 36





	1. Don't Try Suicide

Brian's POV

"Brian?" 

"Brian?" I heard her calling me. I didn't look up or register her presence. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere. I just wanted to stop feeling everything. Nothing. I feel really heavy right now.

"Brian...I need you to talk to me...can you talk to me?" she wants to talk but I don't feel like it. I'm really tired and just want to close my eyes. I just want go to sleep. Go to sleep and never open my eyes again. I just...

"Brian...I can't help you if you won't talk to me....I just need to ask you a few questions...okay?" The overhead light keeps makes a buzzing noise. I don't like it. I want it to stop. Maybe if they turn the light out it will go away. Maybe I should just ask them to turn off the light.

Hey Bri....you need to talk to her, okay? She just needs you to answer some questions.." I turned to see Deacy looking at me. He was sitting next to me. When did he get here?

"What?" I asked Deacy. "When did you get here?" I asked him. He gave me a strange look and let out a sigh. It sounded kind of sad.

"Brian...I brought you here..don't you remember?" he answered. I was confused by what he said. Where did he bring me? I don't remember him being here. Wait? What? Where am I?

"Where am I?" I asked Deacy and he grabbed my arm. He was looking at me with those soulful green eyes. He looked hurt. No..it was concern. 

"Brian! You're in the hospital! Don't you remember?" Deacy shouted at me. Why did he shout? I can hear him...he's right here!

"Hey! don't shout at me!" I told him and suddenly realized my voice sounded funny. My throat hurts! My voice was rough and scratching as I spoke. I put my hand to my throat and then felt a weird sensation in my hand. There is an IV in it! What is going on?

"What happened? Why do I have an IV?" I asked Deacy. He blinked at me and took my hand. Eyes still focused on me. 

"Brian....you don't remember?" He asked me. Remember what? I shook my head. I didn't remember. He swallowed and squeezed my hand. "You...you took a bunch of pills.. we brought you here so they could pump your stomach!" Deacy explained with concern in his eyes. He turned to look at the nurse and then looked back at me. He swallowed again. "Did you....did you take them on purpose?" He asked me in a soft voice; almost a whisper. I felt my stomach drop and tears stung my eyes. I suddenly couldn't look at him and dropped my face into my hands. I clutched my hair that was within reach and pulled at it. The tears spilled from my eyes and I felt like I could be sick. I bent over a bit to stop the nausea. I suddenly remembered. Everything. I felt overwhelmed and just wanted to make it stop. 

"Brian....did you try to hurt yourself?" The nurse asked me. I shook my head for a moment but didn't move otherwise. Guilt suddenly flooded my insides and I slowly nodded my head without realizing it. 

I heard Deacy sigh.

———

"Brian...I'm Dr. Fischer ... I'd like to ask you about what happened yesterday. Will you talk to me?" He asked me in a soothing tone. I opened my eyes and looked over at him. He was older than me and he looked like a psychiatrist.. I almost laughed at his brown corduroy blazer and bland mustard colored tie. His hair is fuzzy and he reminds me of Albert Einstein. I couldn't help but smile. I wanted to point out the likeness but I didn't want to offend him. So I just nodded. 

"Can you tell me why you think you took those pills?" 

The pills. Oh yeah... I turned away from his gaze and fumbled around with the hem of my shirt. There was a loose thread on the end and I had been playing with it since I woke up this morning. It was something to do besides think about everything. I guess I had to answer him. I had agreed to talk.

"Yeah...." I mumbled to him and kept my eye on the thread. I rolled it between my fingers.

"Why did you?" he asked me again. I shifted on the chair and looked up at him. He had no smile or frown. He was looking at me intently. Waiting for an answer. I took a deep breath and thought about what I would say. I could put it in a few words or it would take me days to tell him why. I guess it was up to him which answer would satisfy him.

"Do you want the short answer or the long one?" I asked him. He gripped his pen in his hands and smiled at me.

"Whichever one you want to start with..." he replied. I watched his eyes and found no malice or judgement. At least not yet. I nodded to him and let the thread in my fingers slip out of my hands.

"The short answer....." I told him and went to find the string again with my hand. It just made me feel grounded to hold it. I got hold of it and rolled it again.

"It's.....well..." I struggled and felt tears in my eyes and my throat get tight. "It's because of Roger.." I answered and felt a bit of relief saying his name. "Roger..." I said it again to be sure. 

"Why did Roger make you want to take pills?" he asked me. I swallowed hard as I thought about the long answer. I gripped the hem of my shirt and looked into his eyes.

"It all start with Tigs..." I told him. He looked confused and flicked his pen in his hands.

"Who is Tigs?" he asked me. 

"Well...that's the long answer..." I told him.

"Okay....do you want to tell me the long answer then?" I sat up in my chair and took the cup of water from the table and sipped it. It was going to take a lot of explaining. My mouth was already dry.

"Yeah...." I answered and put the cup down and stared out the window as I began. I was trying to pull myself back in time to remember how things were when everything changed.

"It was 1975 and everything seemed perfect. It was perfect. Until Tigs came along.."


	2. Now I'm Here...

16 Jan 1975

Top of The Pops Studio - BBC

Brian's POV

"I think you might need a scarf or else everyone can see it..." Freddie told me. I blushed with embarrassment as Freddie giggled at me as I looked in the mirror. Yeah. Roger had left a huge hickey on my neck. It was a big one too. Freddie handed me a striped black and white scarf and I tried get it around my neck to cover up my love bite. We generally didn't do this stuff to each other but we both had too much to drink night last night and got carried away after Deacy's stag party. 

"Oh... just let me do it!" Freddie slapped my hands away from my neck and adjusted the scarf to his liking. I have to admit he did a better job and I looked in the mirror to see my mark was sufficiently covered.

"Nice job Fred.." I told him and he gave me a smug grin as he shoved me out of the way so he could finish his hair. I walked over and took a seat by the door and saw Deacy walk in with Roger. Deacy was laughing at Roger and slapped him hard on the back as they came through the door. Roger was fiddling with a scarf of his own around his neck and Freddie looked over at him. I remembered the purple mark I had made on Roger's neck and sighed. We did get carried away last night.

"You as well?" he bellowed at him and grabbed his scarf to adjust it. He made judgmental 'tsk tsk' sounds at us and finished fixing Roger's scarf. "Well you both look like little whores! I hope you're happy!" he commented to us as Roger walked over to join me on the bench. "You know you'll have to keep those on for our meeting today.." he added. I gulped when I realized he was right. We didn't want to draw any attention to ourselves since Peter would be there. I nodded to Freddie and he returned to fixing his hair.

"I hope you plan on covering those up for my wedding..." Deacy chided us as he stood by the wall and watched Freddie get ready. He was already dressed and coifed. As usual Freddie needed the most time to prepare. "Ronnie would have fits if she saw your hickeys on her wedding day.." he remarked and then started laughing at us both. "Whores! Good one Freddie..." he nudged Freddie in his side and they both looked at us and laughed. A producer appeared in the doorway and motioned at us all.

"They're ready for you..." 

\---------------------

Trident Management Offices

I was nervous. We all were. Freddie acted like he didn't have a care in the world but I knew he was nervous too. I watched the door and was relieved when it opened and Jim Beach came in. He nodded to us as he approached and we all stood up to greet him.

"Hi Jim!" I told him as he shook my hand. He greeted the others and we all stood around waiting for the receptionist to call us back.

"They're ready for you.." the lady told us and she walked us back to a meeting room. The door opened and we found the Sheffield Brothers present along with Peter and a few men I didn't recognize. We had informed them that Jim would be attending and there were five empty seats waiting for us. We got seated and Jim opened his briefcase. He handed us each some papers and I looked them over as he gave copies to the Sheffield's and their representatives.

"Gentleman...I know you have sought counsel to re-negotiate your contract with us. Can I just say that we would like to work this out and seek to renew your contract at the end of this year." Norman Sheffield announced as his reps looked on. 

"I need to inform you on behalf of my clients that they do not wish to renew in the future and do wish to proceed with extracting themselves from your management. If we could just spend our time focusing on this matter, we would greatly appreciate it." I liked Jim's no nonsense approach and smiled as he began to go over the proposal he drafted to end our contract with them. I looked at the first section as he began discussions.

I listened carefully and made some notes as the meeting went on. We all worked to keep our emotions in check when things like our salaries, profits, song writing royalties and creative control were hashed out. I saw Peter flinch a few times when his name or things he handles for us were discussed. I fidgeted a bit in my seat as Jim began to talk about the morals clause. I couldn't help myself and glanced at Roger as he began. He must have felt my eyes on him as he casually looked my way. 

"I would like to say something about this clause.." I heard Jim say. "I don't feel there is a place for this in any agreement with the group. This clause should be considered null and void effective immediately." he told them in a calm assured voice. I clenched my hands as I waited to for them to respond. The attorney's from Trident were whispering to each other. 

"That shouldn't be a problem.." one of the attorneys announced to us. I felt myself breathe out and avoided looking at anyone as I felt a little self conscious about the whole issue. They moved on to some other matters and I lost focus as I thought about how much easier our next tour would be. The meeting ended and we all stood up to leave. Arrangements were being made for Jim to follow up on outstanding issues and we headed out to leave. We said goodbye to Freddie as he dashed off for a late lunch with Mary. 

"You ready to go shopping?" I asked Roger after we told the others we were going. We still needed a wedding gift for Deacy and Ronnie and were going to Harrod's. I knew we could talk about the good news about the morals clause once we got in the privacy of our car. I was putting my coat on when we saw Peter walking up. Roger rolled his eyes as he approached and I stifled a giggle.

"Hey guys!" he walked over to Deacy and slapped him on the back. "Getting close to the big day there Johnny boy!" Deacy gave him a thin smile and nodded. It was obvious he was wanting to get away from Peter and I felt bad for him. "You having a stag night? I would love to party your remaining bachelor days away with you.." Peter told him as he looked over at us and acted like we were all in league with each other to party. He put his arm around Deacy and pressed him close. I felt slightly bad for him. For just a moment. Deacy turned to face him and with his best warm smile answered him.

"Actually...it's going to be tonight if you want to come.." Deacy told him. I was confused since the party had been last night. We had met up at Deacy's local pub and met his long time friend Nigel Bullen. He had been the drummer in his former hometown group, The Opposition and was going to be his best man at the ceremony. Freddie, Rog and myself had joined them for a meal and way too much alcohol. The three of us were too drunk to drive home and had to share a taxi back to Holland Park. Roger and I had to collect the car this morning before we went to the BBC studios to perform on Top of The Pops. 

"Well count me in John.." Peter replied and Deacy shot us a look of mischief. "Where's it going to be?"

"The party is at Gateshead Social club." Deacy told him and sounded off the time and address. Peter stopped to write it down and gave us all a thumbs up.

"Great! I'll see you all there!" Peter told us as he walked back to his office. We all giggled at each other as we walked outside the building.

"Deaks...what gives with the fake party plans you told Peter?" Roger asked him as we walked against the harsh January wind. Deacy smirked and started walking towards the tube station entrance. He got to the stairs and turned towards us. I was dying to hear what he had to say.

"It's the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting by my church..." Deacy revealed and we all burst into laughter as he started down the stairs. 

"See you at the church mate!" Roger called to him and he waived bye as we headed off towards our car.

\---------------------

"So what do you think?" I asked Roger as we looked over the box in the appliance section of Harrod's. Roger seemed distracted by all the gadgets and tools you could get for a kitchen these days. "Hey! I need your input here.." I told him as he checked out a blender that crushed ice as well as blended things.

"It's fine by me.." he answered and I picked up the box and started walking to the counter to buy it. I got in line and watched Roger from a distance as he perused the different coffee machines. I paid for the gift and asked the clerk about gift wrapping. She directed me to the department on the upper floor. I walked over to Roger with the bag in my hand.

"I'll be upstairs at gift wrap.." I told him. Roger looked up at me and noticed the bag and smiled.

"That was fast! Can we go to the food counters?" he asked me. I nodded as he followed me to the escalator. We got on and headed upstairs. "It's a shame we couldn't have registered for gifts when we got married.." Roger whispered to me as we were close to each other on the escalator. "Deacy and Ronnie have a lot of great stuff on their wish list." I smiled at his suggestion. I knew Roger would have loved to register for all sorts of things and would have loved opening presents. I felt bad we didn't get that and squeezed his arm. I arranged for our gift to be wrapped and we headed off to the food counters. We walked up and down the counters checking out the different meat, cheeses, snacks and desserts.

"Want to get something to eat for tonight?" I asked him as he looked over the counter with different types of flavored popcorn. He motioned to the sales lady and she came over.

"I'd like a large bag of the caramel corn please..." he asked her and she handed him a sealed bag. He looked at me and smiled. "You want anything?"

"I'll just eat some of yours.." I told him and he gave me a funny look. 

"I need another large bag of the caramel.." he told the lady and I laughed as she gave him another. Roger paid for the popcorn and I chuckled as we started walking towards the escalator.

"Can't share?' I asked him and he just grinned at me.

\------------------------

Later that evening

"Only 13 days left with you baby.." I told Squeaky as I fed her dinner on the kitchen floor. I hated that we would be separated soon with the impending tour. I had decided she would return to my parents and possibly live there permanently since we were never home long enough to make a real life for her. I hated it but it was becoming our reality. She circled my legs as I sat her food dish down and she quickly sunk her head into the bowl. I turned back to the counter and found the lasagna had cooled off. I cut two pieces and plated them for myself and Rog and walked to the living room. Roger was slumped down watching a show and sat up as he saw me approach with his dinner.

"We could have got some takeaway.." he commented to me as I sat next to him on the couch. "You didn't have to go to all that trouble.." Roger said as he cut a piece of the cheese lasagna. He took a bite and smiled at me. "This is pretty good though.." he announced as he cut another piece off.

"We will be eating takeaway and restaurant food for months pretty soon...I'd like to enjoy something homemade before then.." I replied and took my first bite. It was pretty tasty for my first effort at making the Italian dish. My mother had shared her recipe and given me a few tips on preparing it. I was quite proud as I watched Roger polish his serving off. 

"Is there more?" Roger asked me as he stood up from the couch. I was happy to see he liked my cooking and I nodded as he went to the kitchen. I finished my own serving as he returned with a full plate. I got up and went to rinse my dishes and grabbed Squeaky's empty bowl in the process. I cleaned up the kitchen and put up the rest of the lasagna and went back to the couch. Roger was watching some show about formula one racing so I padded upstairs and got my book. I went back down and grabbed a blanket from the chair and got comfortable in the couch corner and opened my book to read. It was a fiction book about a teenage girl with supernatural abilities. It was written by a new American writer named Stephen King.

"What are you reading?" Roger asked me as he got up and started changing channels on the television.

"It's called Carrie..." I told him and showed him the book cover. "It's a horror story about a girl with supernatural powers.." I explained as Roger turned on the news and sat back down. I read for awhile and half listened to the news. I felt a tug on my blanket and saw Roger sliding the end towards him.

"I'm cold..." he told me before I could ask. 

"C'mon then.." I replied and patted my leg.

I put my bookmark inside the book and set it down and picked up the blanket to reorganize it as Roger scooted up by me to get warm. I laid the blanket over us both as he sat up by my side and leaned into me. I tucked the blanket in and we both started watching the news. Squeaky came over and jumped up on top of Roger's lap and quickly got settled as the weather report started. The weatherman gave the forecast and we both groaned at the bad news.

"I guess it's a snowy mess for Deacy's wedding day.." Roger commented as we watched the last bit of the news. 

"He said the snow would start mid-day so maybe it won't be too bad.." I responded as Roger snuggled into me. We finished with the news and an old movie came one. It was a world war II drama and we watched it as Roger got sleepy and dozed off against my side. He was stirred awake by the noise of the beginning of a battle scene but quickly fell back asleep once it got going. The movie ended and the credits started rolling and I shook Roger gently to wake him up. "Wake up...let's go to bed.." I told him as he leaned away from me and rubbed his face. He put Squeaky down and slipped away from me. He went over and turned the tv off as I folded the blanket up and grabbed my book. 

"I'm heading up...." Roger told me as he climbed the stairs. He went in to brush his teeth as I made sure the front door was locked and turned out the kitchen light. I headed up as he moved into the bedroom. I finished getting ready and climbed into bed. Roger was already tucked in and had Squeaky laying by his side facing my end of the bed. I got in and scooted under the covers. I was almost asleep when the telephone rang. Roger didn't wake up and I didn't want to wake him to answer it. I leaned over him and managed to grab the phone.

"Hello.." I whispered in the phone. I noted the time said it was 12:30 at night. It worried me a bit that the phone rang this late.

"Brian dear...I'm sorry to call so late..." It was Freddie. It worried me instantly as his voice sounded a little fragile. "Did I wake you?" he asked me. He sounded sad and my heart clenched hearing him sound like this.

"No Fred...it's alright....hang on a minute.." I told him and laid the phone down on the table and gently climbed out of bed. I walked quietly down the stairs and picked up the other phone by the couch. I sat down. "Sorry...Rog is asleep and I went to the couch so we could talk..." I told him quietly. "What's up?"

"I didn't mean to call so late...but...well...Mary and I had a fight and I left.." he explained and I felt bad that they had quarreled. Freddie sounded really upset.

"I'm sorry to hear that...are you okay? Where are you?" I asked him and wondered about where he might have gone.

"I'm at that pub by the market. The Grey Goose.." he told me and I felt better knowing he was just a few blocks away. "Do you mind if I come to your place? I don't think I should go home tonight.." Freddie told me and I liked that he had called here for help. He has helped me so many times.

"Of course you can Fred....head this way...I'll put the kettle on.." I told him and smiled as I heard the sounds of relief from the phone line.

"Thanks Bri! You're a good friend.." he told me and hung up the phone. I went back upstairs and hung up the phone by the bed and pulled on a jumper over my pajamas. I saw Roger was fast asleep so I closed the bedroom door and Squeaky followed me down the stairs. I put the kettle on to boil and pulled out some cups while I waited. There was a quiet knock on the door and I opened it to Fred red in the face from the cold and the hint of some tear stains by his eyes. 

"Hey Fred.." I told him as he came inside and I immediately hugged him to me. He accepted my hug and we stood for a moment. His coat was cold and I pulled back and he followed me to the kitchen. "Want some tea?" I asked him and he nodded as he seem to collect himself. "Take a seat.." I offered and he pulled off his coat and placed it over the chair as he sat at the table. I got our drinks and joined him as he watched me and took his cup.

"Want to talk about it?" I asked him and Freddie nodded but kept his focus on his tea cup. I waited and wondered how bad things were. I swallowed and stared up at the closed bedroom door. I hoped we didn't wake Rog up. Squeaky jumped up into my lap and I put my hand on her side and stroked her as Freddie watched.

"She's still your baby..." Freddie commented to me as I stroked her fur. I smiled at him and nodded.

"Yeah...I'm sending to her live with my folks right before we go....I'll sure miss her.." I told him and Freddie sipped his tea and gave me a sympathetic look.

"Mary confronted me about my infidelities.." Freddie abruptly announced in between sips on his cup. I immediately thought about all of the encounters Freddie had with women on tour and was surprised it took this long for Mary to bring it up.

"Is it about the tours?" I asked him and Freddie looked at me with a dismissive air. He shook his head and sighed.

"No...she knows all about that.." he confessed and I realized he was referring to cheating when he was at home. I was shocked and a bit saddened to hear Freddie wasn't being faithful to Mary while we're home. I certainly wouldn't judge Freddie but I did feel a tinge of disappointment. I like Mary. 

"So...she asked you about women you've been seeing when you're home?" I asked him for clarification. He avoided my gaze and resumed looking at his tea cup. 

"No...she asked me about the men I've been seeing.." Freddie told me and then looked up at me. I thought I might fall out of my chair. I braced my hand on the table edge to steady myself as I absorbed the words he had spoken to me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Was Freddie telling me he was gay? Bi? Sleeping with men? What the fuck? I felt utterly gob smacked by his news.

"Fred...are you trying to tell me you're....?" I asked him in complete shock and he got a small smile on his face and he looked me straight in the eye.

"Yes Brian! I'm trying to tell you I'm gay..."


	3. Sunday Mornings With A Cup of Tea - Part 1

Roger's POV

I woke up needing to pee. I rolled over to contemplate getting up and noticed the bedroom door was closed. I found it strange since we never close the door. I hoped Squeaky had not got trapped inside the bedroom and slowly got up from the bed. Brian was turned the other way and was snoring softly. I didn't see the cat anywhere and walked over and opened the door. I went and used the toilet and washed my hands. I shuffled back to bed and crawled back under the covers. I had caught a chill being up and moved closer to Brian in bed. I got up against his back and slipped my arm over his side. He was really warm and it helped me fall back asleep.

I woke up again and found Brian sitting up in bed reading his book. He appeared to be reading but it seemed like he was thinking about something else. He looked deep in thought. I watched him set the book down and put his arms behind his head as he peered out the window and sighed heavily. Something was on his mind. I moved to sit up and Brian noticed and smiled at me as I pulled the covers back from his lap and moved myself to straddle his legs and face him.

"You looked troubled.." I told him as I leaned in to kiss him. Hoping to clear away the worry on his face. "What's got you frowning so early?" I asked as Brian put his arms around my back to hold me. 

"Rog...." Brian started to talk to me and he looked stressed. I wanted to make him feel better so I interrupted him with a kiss. He smiled at me. I felt compelled to make him smile more and reached down and grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it over my head. Brian looked surprised at my movements and I went to reach for his shirt tail. He put his hands over mine to stop me and chuckled at me. "Stop babe..." he told me and I frowned at him. 

"You don't want to feel better?" I asked him and leaned in to kiss him again when I heard a knock on our bedroom door and jumped. Brian held me in place as I looked at our closed bedroom door. Who was here?

"We have a guest..." he announced to me. I turned to look at him. "Fred stayed the night.." he told me and I nodded in surprise at the news. "We'll be out in a minute Fred!" Brian shouted towards the door.

"See you downstairs.." I heard Freddie say through the door. 

"What's he doing here?" I asked as I moved to get off Brian and slide onto the bed. He must have come after I fell asleep. Brian stood up and grabbed a jumper that was on the floor and slipped it on. I found my blue robe and tied it around me.

"He came last night...he and Mary had a fight...it's a long story.." he told me as he opened the door and I followed him out. "There's something he needs to talk to you about.." Brian said as we went downstairs. I wondered what it was and noted that Brian seemed serious. I wondered if he and Mary had broken up. I prepared myself for bad news and saw Freddie pick up the telephone as Brian walked into the kitchen. He was wearing a pair of my pajamas and sat in the chair speaking quietly into the handset. I gave him his privacy and went into the kitchen.

"Did they break up?" I asked Brian as he put the kettle on. I stood and leaned against the counter and watched him.

"I'm not sure....let's just get settled with some tea and talk.." he told me. "Cut some of the banana bread.." he asked me and I grabbed a knife and got busy. Freddie came in and sat at the table.

"Morning Rog.." he told me and I smiled warmly at him. "Sorry to barge in on you like this.." 

"Freddie...it's no trouble. I'm glad you came here. Brian said you had a fight with Mary. That's all he would say.." I told him as I brought him a plate with some bread and sat down next to him.

"Thanks...I appreciate it.." he replied and Brian walked over and handed us both our tea and sat down. He gave Freddie an encouraging look and I grew curious about what Freddie needed to say. He turned to look at me and I showed him I was listening. 

"I guess I'll start by telling you what happened yesterday." he started and picked at his bread a little. "When I said I was meeting Mary for a late lunch after our meeting...well...I lied!" he confessed. "I met someone else.." he added. I had the feeling Freddie was about to tell me he had met someone and was having an affair. I didn't know how to feel about it and decided to hear him out first.

"So you're having an affair?" I asked him and he nodded gently and looked like he was wanting me to say something. I didn't want to judge him even though I didn't like hearing he was cheating on Mary. He is my friend and I'm sympathetic. I didn't like this situation though.

"Well...who is she?" I asked and Brian and Freddie exchanged an odd look; which peaked my interest. I had to know who this was. Was it someone we know? Did they work at Trident? A mutual friend? 

"It's David..." he replied and I was confused. I thought he told me he was cheating. He saw the confusion on my face and he reached over and took my hand. "Rog...I was cheating with David...David Minns.." Freddie just told me he was cheating on Mary with a guy whose name I recognized. Wait! A guy? 

"Freddie? Are you telling me you're gay?" I asked him before I realized I was saying the words. I know I sounded incredulous but it seemed a bit unreal to me. I glanced at Brian and saw he wasn't surprised by any of this information.

"Well Rog...maybe bisexual is more accurate under the circumstances.." he answered. I shot him a look of complete disbelief at his confession to me. He squeezed my hand when he saw my expression. "It's true Rog....I can see the disbelief in your eyes..." he commented as he slipped his hand from mine and clutched his tea cup. "Trust me...I'm telling you the truth..." 

"Fred...I...I don't know what to say...I..." I was speechless. I wasn't sure if it was more that he was gay or that he was cheating. Okay...it's because he is telling me he goes both ways...like me. Like me! "How long have you been bi? How long have you known?" I asked him and then felt a touch of anger that I was finding this out only because he had a fight with Mary and needed a place for the night. Where was this information before now? "Am why am I only hearing about this when you needed a place for the night and not a candid conversation with your best friend?" I told him as my voice raised and my anger picked at my heart. I watched him as he saw the anger in my eyes turn to hurt. I was hurt and disappointed. I didn't care that he was bi or gay or whatever. I was hurt that he didn't want to talk to me about it before now. He didn't want to share something that important with a friend who would completely understand and be sympathetic.

"Roger...I'm sorry this is how you are finding this out. I didn't mean for it to come out this way.." Freddie told me and he seemed contrite at his delayed confession to me. "I meant to tell you several times and it just wasn't the right moment or.." he paused and looked at Brian and then looked at me again. "I didn't have the courage to tell you.." he told me and lowered his head a little. I instantly felt remorse at my heated words and moved my hand over to his and took it. 

"No...don't apologize....I'm sorry for barking at you...I should know better than anyone how hard it is..." I explained myself to him. "I didn't tell you about Brian and I....and I should have. I remember almost telling you once and chickening out...I get it!" I told him and he gave me a thin smile at my testimonial. "So...do tell...when did you know...what happened?" I asked him in a softer voice than my earlier one. He seemed grateful for my words and squeezed my hand and I noticed Brian prompt him to speak.

"Tell him Fred.." Brian coaxed him and Freddie nodded and looked at me with a small smile.

"As you know Rog...my first experiences were with other boys..." Freddie started. "I told you years ago about that British boy I went to boarding school with. His name was Edmund and we spent a lot of time together on the weekends...bored and lonely. We ended up experimenting a lot with each other and never thought there was anything to it. It's not like we had others telling us it was wrong. Nobody else knew!" Freddie was trying to justify this past experience and I saw no reason for him to have to.

"There was nothing wrong with it...it's not like you were eschewing any girls...you were in an all boys school!" I argued on his behalf. He seemed pleased at my defense and smiled a little lighter.

"We kissed and such and did jerk each other off.." he explained to me. I could already tell this was going to be a frank conversation. It wasn't going to bother me. I hoped all after the time Brian had spent with me...let alone Freddie...that he would be okay with it. I just wanted Freddie to talk about whatever he felt like. Brian looked intent on listening and didn't give the appearance of discomfort. I was relieved. "He even sucked me off once.." Freddie boasted and I laughed at his touch of pride. Brian just stayed even and looked at us both.

"So...what happened after school? Did you have any more experiences after that?" I inquired and Freddie shook his head.

"No! no....you wouldn't encounter something like that where I lived in Zanzibar. I was pretty sheltered at home and it wasn't long after I returned home that we came here..." Freddie explained. He paused to drink some tea and even took a bite of the banana bread. "Oh! Good bread!" Freddie commented and Brian beamed at him.

"It's from my Mum!" Brian told him and I nudged Freddie.

"She made it for me...I'm her favorite!" I told Freddie and he giggled at my quip. It was good to hear him laugh since things seemed a bit heavy. Brian shot me a look of irritation at my implying his mother preferred me in any way. Freddie caught it.

"Oh Brian! Don't get bent out of shape about it...of course your mother loves Rog...I mean...look at him...he's a doll darling!" Freddie argued my side and Brian just picked up his tea and took a drink. He shoved the banana bread my way and stuck his tongue out at me.

"Fine! I'll eat it!" I told him and took his plate. "Please continue..." I gestured to Freddie and he looked please to get back to his story.

"Now where was I?" he asked himself and then perked up. "Oh yes! We came to England and I enrolled at art school..." Freddie continued and came alive expressively as he began to tell me the whole story. "I had never been around girls much...just my sister Kash! I met so many girls at art school and they were all just lovely. I did develop feelings for a few and had a few dates. I did fancy one girl in particular....Rosemary! She was a sweetheart and was patient with me. I did end up sleeping with her and everything was fine. I liked her and all...I just didn't see myself staying with her....we split up and I dated other women. I slept around a bit...you know all that part Rog.." he explained and I nodded understanding. We had shared a lot of our experiences when talking over the years. Though all he ever talked about were girls. Well...I did too until he found out about Brian. Then that's all he asked about. 

"When did you first have another encounter with a guy?" I wondered when this had happened and was curious what the circumstances were.

"There was a friend I made at art school. He was a student but also a life model and we talked a lot after classes. I didn't initially have a thing for him. He was just an interesting guy who was older and knew a lot about life. A big music enthusiast. Knew everything about musicals! He invited me over to listen to some music once and we drank a lot and ended up sleeping together." Freddie looked at me and I could see he was checking for my reaction. I wasn't surprised by any of this since I now knew his secret. I was just curious how it happened for him. My own story was odd enough.

"So he was your first? You had intercourse with him?" I asked him to clarify and he nodded to me with his lips tight. I realized he had lied to me all those years back when we had that candid conversation about Brian and myself. When he asked how we got together. He had confessed getting and giving a hand job but nothing else. He could have told me then and didn't.

"I know you're wondering why I didn't tell you that day we spoke.." Freddie replied and I saw he remembered that conversation. He knew what I was thinking. "I almost told you but I asked you first if you loved Brian and you told me you did. You then told me that Brian was in love with you and I faltered after that. I almost told you but you were both in love and I..." he stopped and looked down at his hands for a moment and the looked at Brian and then at me. "I was jealous!" he confessed and a funny look came over his face. He was embarrassed and I instantly felt bad for him. 

Why were you jealous?" I asked him. He tried to wipe the embarrassment away and just smiled at me warmly.

"I was jealous because I had fallen in love with Will. The man from art school. He didn't love me back. So I was jealous of you Rog. And you too Brian." I saw Freddie glance at Brian and realized this information had not been discussed between them last night. Brian was obviously just as surprised as I saw to hear this.

"Fred...I'm sorry he didn't feel that way towards you.." Brian said to him and reached over to take his other hand. Freddie accepted it and gave Brian a gracious nod.

"I appreciate that....but the truth is just that....I was jealous and kept my mouth shut!" he told us. "And then I met Mary and things felt good again. At first I thought I was just excited about her because of her looks and her career and friends. She was this exciting creature that lives in a world I wanted to be a part of. Still do! I realized after a while that I loved her. I felt I had fallen in love with her and the world felt right and I went with it." he explained. It all made sense and seemed honest with what I knew about them as a couple. Brian seemed to feel the same based on his expression. 

"So you got with Mary. I know you love her. It's obvious to anyone that sees you together...what happened to change it?" 

"Rog...the fact is I still love Mary. That hasn't changed at all.." he paused and seemed to want to think about what to say. "What happened is that I had a few encounters in the recent past that made me realize I like being with men. I find them satisfying to me in a way that woman don't. Not just sexually.." 

"So there were other men before David?" I asked to get a clear understanding. Freddie nodded and gave me an intent stare.

"Yes...there were. Only one really mattered though." he replied and I wondered who it was. Was it someone else we knew?

"Who was it?" I asked him. For some reason I felt I knew the answer before he gave it to me. For some reason my gut filled my head with the answer. I cringed a little inside. Brian looked subdued but apparently was not aware of who it was. Freddie had apparently not told him last night. I couldn't help myself. "Is it who I think it is?" I asked him and Freddie's face told me I was right. Brian immediately looked at me when he saw Freddie's expression and realized I had guessed. He was still clueless.

"Yes..." Freddie finally said verbally and sighed into his tea cup. Brian looked at Freddie and then back at me.

"Well...who is it?" he asked and I could see he had no idea. I swallowed hard at the reality of it and at having to tell Brian his name. He wasn't going to like it.

"It's John....Bri!" I told him. "It's Deacy.." I got the name out and Brian shot up from his chair. He had a look of absolute horror and glared at Freddie and seemed completely out of sorts at hearing this news.

"What the fuck? he shouted at Freddie. He turned and stared daggers at me. I guess he was mad I knew or had figured it out and he didn't. I knew he would be upset. "What the fuck Fred! How could you?" he shouted at Freddie again and was almost pacing back and forth with agitation. He was pretty upset. Freddie just stared blankly at him. Not sure what to do.

"Brian! Calm down...let's talk about it..." I told him and Brian shot Freddie a shitty look and then one at me and railed up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door. 

"Well...that went well.." Freddie commented and sipped his tea. "I'm sure you can guess why I didn't say anything last night and wanted you here..." he observed. I understood completely and sighed as I heard the door to the bedroom open up and Brian came storming down the stairs fully dressed. He avoided looking at us and grabbed his coat and scarf. He opened the front door and turned to me.

"I need some air..." he muttered and walked out the door. I waited a moment to see if Brian was coming back in and then turned to Freddie.

"You were saying..." I said to him and he smiled at me. He seemed relieved that everything was out in the open.

"Yes....well....about Deacy darling..."


	4. Sunday Morning's With A Cup of Tea - Part 2

Brian's POV

'I don't fucking believe it!' I told myself as I threw my clothes on and stared at the bedroom door. How could Freddie do such a thing? How could he seduce poor Deacy? I was livid! What was he thinking getting involved with John? He had a girlfriend....a fiancé ....a fucking baby on the way! I grabbed my clogs and put them on and opened the bedroom door and went down the stairs. I moved fast as I couldn't look at Fred right now. I just couldn't. I was so angry at him. I was also angry that Roger wasn't mortified at hearing this news. Why wasn't he upset? He should be. I couldn't talk to him right now. I needed to cool off. I headed straight for the front door.

"I need some air.." I muttered to Roger as I grabbed my keys and wallet and left. Once outside, I was slapped in the face by the frigid air and started moving to keep myself warm. I wrapped my scarf around my neck and folded my arms in front of me to stave off the wind. I trudged down the sidewalk with no clear direction in mind. The sky was grey and it definitely looked like we would get snow soon. I hoped the weather would hold out for Deacy's wedding. Deacy's wedding! Fuck! He is getting married tomorrow to a woman and I find out he has been involved with a man. Freddie! I know for certain this occurred after he started seeing Ronnie so he is cheating as well as Freddie! Fuck! Fuck! I hated this! I wish Freddie had never told me any of this. I wanted to be a supportive friend but I couldn't understand how they could do this. To Mary and Ronnie! To each other....

As I was walking down the sidewalk I came upon the car and had the impulse to get in and drive. I pulled my keys from my coat and opened the door. I got in and started it up. Okay! Now where to? I pulled out and turned to head south on Holland Road. I knew where I was headed and let myself go there. I didn't bother with the radio and just focused on the road as I headed towards Fulham. I reached Parsons Green and found a spot to park. I got out and walked to his front door. I wasn't sure why I was here and what I would say but I just rang the bell and decided to wing it. The door opened and Ronnie stood in front of me with a party dress on. She looked lovely and had the early signs of a pregnancy glow. It made me feel terrible. I almost cringed at how lovely she looked.

"Hi Brian! You looking for John?" Ronnie asked me as he moved out of the doorway to let me in. I went ahead and stepped inside and saw a room full of what were apparently Ronnie's girlfriends and her mother. Shit! They all looked at me and a few smiled.

"Yeah...I am! Is he here?" I asked Ronnie as I stood and found myself the center of attention by the collection of young women. I was immediately self conscious.

"You arrived just in time. He is headed to the hotel for the night. He's staying with Nigel!" she told me and Deacy came walking out of the bedroom with a suitcase as she told me. He was surprised to see me and smiled as he walked up.

"Hey Brian...what are you doing here?" he asked. Everyone was still looking at me and I wondered if there was something wrong with the way I looked. They were gawking at me! I shifted nervously. Deacy noticed and glanced around the room and suddenly sighed.

"He is taken ladies....he's not available!" Deacy announced to the room and I realized they were all checking me out as a potential date. Shit! I was relieved Deacy had got me off the hook. I saw a look of disappointment on several faces and I shook off the distraction. 

"I need to talk to you John...it's important!" I told him and he looked curious. 

"You can walk me to the hotel if you like...we can talk on the way..." he told me and I held up my keys to him.

"My chariot awaits.." I told him and he smiled and nodded. 

"Even better...." he replied and gave his attention to Ronnie. I didn't want to intrude and moved to step out the front door.

"I'll wait outside..." I told him and he nodded. I looked over at Ronnie and smiled at her. "You look lovely Ronnie...I can't wait to see you tomorrow..." I told her and she beamed at me and blew me a kiss. It made my stomach turn. Shit! I stepped out and closed the door and leaned against the frame to avoid the wind. I would rather be in the cold than get stared at any longer. Or have to look at Ronnie....knowing what I know. 

Deacy came out and I moved to start walking. He followed me to the car and I opened it up for us and we got in.

"Where are you headed?" I asked him and he told me the hotel address. We took off driving as he guided me.

"So you needed to talk to me?" Deacy announced and I nodded as I kept my eye on the road. I wasn't sure how to look him in the eye for this conversation so driving was a handy excuse.

"Yeah...I don't know how to put this delicately so I'm just going to say it.." I told him and he looked intent on what I had to say. I turned onto the street I needed and focused my thoughts. "I know about you and Freddie.." I blurted out and I glanced at Deacy as his face blanched white. He immediately looked away from me and I kept watch on the road. 

"How do you know?" he asked me quietly and I sighed when he didn't deny it.

"Freddie told me....and Roger knows as well.." I replied and looked at him. Deacy bit his bottom lip and looked embarrassed. He looked right at me and I tried to give him something besides a grim face. "Look...we know because he got in a fight with Mary and ended up at our place last night. He stayed over and kind of confessed everything this morning..." I told him. He was alarmed to hear about the fight and I could tell he was worried if Mary knew about him. I wondered too.

"Do you know what they fought about?" Deacy asked me and it confirmed my suspicion.

"He said she confronted him about his infidelities..." I started. "She knows about him seeing men...I'm not clear on whether she knows about you.." I added and he nodded to me to confirm his understanding. I felt bad for Deacy. I was pretty sure Freddie had initiated this and wondered what damage had been done. It had sounded like the affair was over. I wasn't sure what to ask but needed to know he was okay.

"Deaks...I don't want you to think I'm judging you or anything...none of us is without some level of adulterous behavior in our past." I explained to him as he listened. He looked relieved that I wasn't going to berate him over this. "I just want to know that you're okay and that you don't hold anything against Freddie for coming onto you.." I told him and he looked dismayed at my words and cut me off.

"Brian...I want you to know that Freddie didn't make the first move..." he responded and my mouth fell open in shock. "I did.." he confessed and looked me straight in the eye when he said it. I was a bit taken aback by this turn of events and looked around for a place to park so I could talk to him without distraction. I pulled over and stopped the car.

"So you're telling me you came onto him?" I asked him for clarity and he nodded to me. He looked almost shy for a moment and then just smiled at me with his little tooth gap showing. 

"Yeah...it was me!" he said aloud and almost laughed a little. I think he was as surprised as I was by his actions. I felt myself go a bit pink with embarrassment for my assumption that Freddie was the lothario and Deacy the innocent.

"What happened?" I finally asked him; needing to know what transpired between them. Deacy bit his bottom lip again and looked at me intently.

"I developed feelings for him and acted on them.." he told me in a matter of fact way. I know my face showed disbelief that it was that simple. I tried to shake off my crazy imaginings of Freddie seducing him in a dressing room and replaced it with a sweeter version of Deacy having a crush. It felt nicer but didn't detract from what probably transpired between them. A sexual relationship. Deacy could sense his summary of events wasn't enough for me. He sighed and smiled gently as he appeared to get lost in memories.

"When I first met you all I instantly felt something with Freddie. Don't get me wrong..it was just friendship then. He's such a kind and nurturing person and I felt taken under his wing. He looked out for me and was always there to listen and encourage me..." Deacy explained and I found what he said to be reasonable. "He helped me with my stage presence and overcoming my shyness around others. I mean..I could have never done an interview if Freddie hadn't coached me through my first one... He gave me advice about my relationship with Ronnie and was good company after shows or on sleepless nights. A good friend..." Deacy argued to me. Everything he said was completely true about Freddie. I could see all his qualities.

"So when did it change? From just being friends?" 

"I can't say for certain when my feelings had grown beyond friendship..." he told me as he looked reminiscent. "I know I had an impulse to kiss him the first time when we first performed at the Rainbow..." I found it curious that this was the place it happened. 

"So is that the first time you kissed?" I asked and he nodded. "What did Freddie do?'

"Well...he laughed!" Deacy told me and I instantly felt hot at Freddie's reaction. Deacy could tell and waived his hand at me dismissively. 

"No...not like you think! He laughed but it was more like he laughed at the joy and happiness of it...not making fun of me.." he clarified to me and I felt a bit better and calmed down. Deacy blushed a bit and went on. "I kissed him and he laughed and then told me I was being silly. It didn't feel silly and I kissed him again and he finally kissed me back. It kind of went from there.." he explained and I nodded my understanding.

"I don't mean to pry..." I told him and I think he knew what my next question was. He blushed some more and nodded to me.

"Yes Brian...we did everything.." he confessed and I gulped at the reality of the words coming from his mouth. It was real! They had sex. They were involved emotionally...sexually....cheating on their girlfriends...well fiancés! As soon as I had the realization, I heard him again saying those words and noted he said 'were..' . 

"So past tense? Were?" I asked and he nodded again. 

"We ended it....agreed it was for the best.." he replied and he looked a little sad as he spoke. His expression changed to something more whimsical. "It was good...we care about each other...but I know I can't choose that life for myself. I love Freddie but I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with Ronnie. We decided this before I even knew she was pregnant! It's the one thing I know is true and right for me....so we agreed to end it." he looked okay with the choice they made and gave me a semblance of a smile. "It's for the best...for all of us.." he spoke and I wondered who 'all' meant. The girls, for him and Freddie. For the band.

"God Deacy....I'm sorry.." I told him. I felt bad for the assumptions I made and what felt like judgements. 

"What are you sorry for?" he asked me and I shook my head. 

"I judged you....I didn't really have a right to feel that way....it's not like I've been completely faithful.." I replied and he giggled. I was surprised at his reaction.

"Its alright....we've all done some things were not particularly proud of..." he pointed out and I smiled at him. He understood. I felt a bit better about things and wasn't so mad at Freddie anymore. Or John. Even Roger. I had to think about myself though. I had acted in a way I wasn't entirely happy about. 

"I could use a drink..." I told Deacy and he smiled at me.

"I am thirsty..." he replied and I started the car back up. Brian?" he suddenly said as I pulled back out into traffic.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for not saying anything to Ronnie.." he told me. I nodded to him and drove on.

\-------------------------

I dropped Deacy off at the hotel after we had a drink together at a pub across the street. I drove home and tried to absorb the revelations of the past 24 hours. I decided I couldn't stay mad at my friends. It was so complicated. We have all had indiscretions. We don't live a normal life. You can't really put things in black and white in our world. Sure...I wasn't happy that my friends had knowingly cheated on their fiancés. They had made an adult decision to start a relationship and then made one to end it. I had to respect that they knew what they were doing.

Deacy would marry the love of his life tomorrow and we would be there to celebrate with him. Freddie would come and wish them well and we would all let this be something that happened and is in the past. I let out a sigh and looked for a place to park the car.

I unlocked the front door and found no one was downstairs. I could hear something upstairs and slipped off my coat.

"Rog?" I called up the stairs and kicked off my shoes and hung up my scarf and coat.

"Up here.." he called back to me. I headed up the stairs and could see the bedroom door was open and Roger and Freddie were laying together on top of the covers listening to the radio. I couldn't help but smile at the two of them laying there in pajamas moving their heads and feet in unison to the song playing. I didn't recognize it. 

Down down deeper and down

Down down deeper and down

"What song is that?" I asked them and Roger turned to look at me.

"It's the new Status Quo song...Down Down.." he replied. I walked to the bathroom and freshened up while the song finished. I headed back in to the room.

"Where have you been?" Roger asked me as he turned the radio down. I walked over and pulled off my jumper and gestured at him to move over. He and Freddie scooted over and I laid down next to Roger who was now in the middle.

"Driving Deacy to meet Nigel at the hotel they are staying at tonight..." I replied and laid flat looking up at the ceiling.

"Was that planned?" Freddie asked me and I shook my head.

"No.. I happened to show up in time to drive him there...." I told him and he seemed to understand what happened. He realized I had gone to talk to him.

"So...are you still angry at me?" he responded and I shook my head again.

"No...not mad at anyone.." I verified and he smiled at me as I glanced his way. Roger was also smiling and he leaned over and kissed me.

"I'm sorry Bri.." Freddie told me and we shared an understanding look between us.

"Me too Fred..." I replied.

"I need my two best friends happy.." Roger announced and I was going to argue that I was his bestest friend but the phone rang. Freddie was the closest so he rolled over and grabbed it.

"Hello.." he answered and for a minute I wanted to tell him he was supposed to answer it "Bijou!" I laughed inside at the memory of him berating me for always answering the phone wrong all those years back. He was quiet and listening and then turned to face us.

"It's Mary!" he mouthed and got up from the bed with the phone still in his hand. Roger and I shared a look of concern and Freddie laid the handset down and walked out of the room to take the call downstairs. Roger got off the bed and picked up the handset and waited.

"Okay..." Freddie shouted and Roger hung the phone up and closed our bedroom door to give him some privacy. He climbed back into bed and laid by my side. The room felt terribly quiet.

"So you talked to Deaks? he asked me and I turned to look at him.

"Yeah...we talked about everything..." I answered and sighed. "We're good....it's all good.." I told him. "Did Freddie tell you Deacy made the first move?" I asked him and Roger's eyes grew wide at the news.

"No!" he answered and I grinned at pressed him into my side. "Wow!" Roger reacted and laughed. I smiled at him and laughed a bit myself.

"Deacy told me that.." I went to tell Roger but Freddie knocked on the bedroom door and interrupted me.

"Yeah Fred...." I answered and he opened the door and peeked in.

"I'm going to head home guys..." he announced. He seemed calm and his voice was steady. I felt hopeful for him. 

"You want a ride home?" Roger asked him and he shook his head. 

"I need the walk to clear my head and steel myself for a long chat with Mary.." he explained. "We've both calmed down and are ready for a civil discussion.." Freddie disappeared into the spare room to change clothes and Roger and I sat up in bed and he turned the radio back on. 

"I'm hungry..." Roger commented to me.

"Want to heat up some lasagna and I'll tell you what Deacy said?" I asked him. He shook his head and scooted off the bed.

"How about we go get some takeaway and you tell me about Deacy..." he answered. 

"Alright...but you're driving..." I told him and scooted off the bed as Roger started to change his clothes. Freddie came out of the room and brought Roger's pajamas in and placed them on the bed.

"Well...I guess I'll see you tomorrow at the wedding.." he told us as he and I headed downstairs. 

"I hope things go well tonight.." I told Fred and he nodded as he got on his coat and shoes.

"It will all work out..." he assured me and opened the door. "See you tomorrow.." he told us and he walked out. Roger came down as I got my shoes on and he did the same.

"Curry or Fish and Chips?" Roger asked me.

"I don't care...either is fine.." I responded as we got our coats on. We walked out to the car and he laughed.

"What is it?"

"I find it odd that we're the ones with the normal relationship in our band..." Roger pointed out. I smiled at his observation and hugged him to my side.

"I guess we're the boring old married couple.." I teased and he laughed as we got inside the car.

"C'mon husband....let's eat.."


	5. Let Them Eat Cake...

18 January 1975

Carmelite Priory Church - Kensington - London

Roger's POV

'Jesus Christ!' literally... I found out that Deacy and Ronnie's wedding is going to be a full Catholic mass wedding ceremony. Fuck! I don't know if I can sit through it. God! Again...literally! God!

"It's one morning out of your enter life Rog....you'll survive.." Brian told me after I whined about the length of the service. I buttoned my suit jacket and went to check my tie in the mirror. I was wearing the most traditional looking suit I own and had to borrow a tie from Brian. My stuff feels a little too edgy. Brian said the occasion called for simple and tasteful so I dressed down from my usual fare. I couldn't do much with my hair other than style it how I always do. I watched Brian run a cloth over his dress shoes and he straightened the jacket of his pinstriped suit once he stood back up. He looked dapper and classy. He looked handsome.

"I'll be downstairs...going to check the weather report on the tv.." Brian announced as he left the room. He stopped and turned to me. "You look gorgeous by the way...." he told me and winked as he disappeared down the stairs. I smiled at myself as I checked once more in the mirror and agreed. I looked pretty good!

\------------------

"Well...it's definitely going to snow...you can feel it in the air.." I told Brian as we walked down the sidewalk to the church. It was that dark grey sky that always promises precipitation. The moisture in the air was palpable and I worried my hair would look like crap before we set foot in the church. There were people gathered at the entrance as we walked up and saw a few people we recognized.

"Hey John..." Brian greeted our roadie John Harris and he smiled at us and shook our hands. He turned to introduce us to someone and a cute girl with short curly hair looked a bit star struck.

"Brian May and Roger Taylor....meet Tandy Jones...my girlfriend.." she beamed at us and I shook her hand after Brian did.

"Nice to meet you Tandy.." I told her and she nodded to us and then leaned into John's shoulder.

"You weren't lying to me...you really do work for Queen!" she exclaimed and reached up and kissed John. I laughed and we left them to head into the church sanctuary to find our seats. I kept grinning at her reaction to meeting us and her disbelief that John worked for us. I guess she was pretty happy to find it was true!

"I know someone who's getting laid tonight.." I told Brian as he took a program. An old woman overheard me and gave me a look of disdain. Brian tried to stifle a giggle at her reaction and I rushed up to walk with him down the aisle.

"Look...we're walking down the aisle of a church together.." Brian whispered and I snickered and pinched his arm.

"We're already married.." I reminded him quietly and he acted disappointed I wasn't marking the occasion with him. I pinched him again and we headed down an empty pew to sit. Brian looked over the program as I watched people make their way into the sanctuary. The place was filling up pretty quickly and I was impressed with the turn out. Brian had been right about the clothes. This was a reserved bunch of people and we fit in pretty well. I saw John's mother coming over to greet some people and she saw us. She smiled and walked over so we both stood up.

"Hi Mrs. Deacon.." I said to her as Brian gave her a hug. She hugged me when he finished.

"You both look very nice today..." she commented and I felt good about dressing down. "Where's Freddie?" she asked. I wasn't sure how he was getting here and shrugged.

"I don't know...I'm sure he will be here on time...it's a big day in John's life.." I assured her. She looked towards the doorway and smiled at us.

"You boys not dating anyone right now?" she asked us as she noticed the absence of any girlfriends. I smiled at her and shook my head.

"Too busy being a rock star to date someone..." I told her and she laughed a little and tapped my arm.

"Well beware of the single girls at this event...you'll both be getting some attention.." she warned us and I cringed at not thinking ahead. We should have anticipated something like this. Shit!

"Thanks for the warning..." I told her and she nodded and headed off to greet some new arrivals. Brian and I exchanged a grim look and sat back down. I heard some giggling and looked up to see a few young girls looking at us and one whispered to her friend as she gawked at me. Great! 

People started getting seated and organ music erupted from the balcony behind us. We both turned to see a small choir gather and realized things were about to start. Were the fuck is Freddie?

"I hope he isn't late..." I murmured to Brian. "Deacy will kill him for missing the ceremony..". Brian looked concerned and looked back at the doorway.

"You don't think he would skip this...do you?" Brian asked me; looking uncertain. I hoped he was wrong. I saw Mrs. Deacon being escorted up the aisle and knew time was running out. The side door opened and Deacy walked in with Nigel and the priest. Fuck! I turned to look at the door and then back at Deacy to see if he was aware that someone was conspicuously absent. We heard the back door open and thought this was it! Here comes Ronnie and no Freddie. I turned to look and so did everyone else. We thought it was the bride. No! It was Freddie! Finally! Except - he sure made an entrance. 

Freddie was decked out entirely in cream colored clothes and had a fucking feather boa wrapped around his neck. He strolled in with two women adorning his arms that were dressed alike. One was Mary and I don't know who the other one was. It was like he was the fucking bride with his attendants! I quickly looked at Deacy who was gob smacked by his appearance. Brian sighed and shook his head as Freddie proceeded down the aisle to find a seat. The music swelled and switched to 'here comes the bride' and the door opened again to allow the bridal party to enter. He had arrived with a moment to spare and almost upstaged the bride! He quickly sat down as the first bridesmaid came down the aisle. Their dresses were a light blue and they carried yellow flowers. Everyone stood up as the bride was seen at the entryway. I have to say - Ronnie looked really pretty. She had that hint of pregnancy glow everyone talks about and she walked with her arm on her father's. He looked proud and we watched them march to the front where Deacy was waiting with a glisten in his eye. He looked so fucking happy and my heart tightened in my chest. I was a bit emotional and surprised by it. Ronnie reached the front and they all stood as the priest began talking. He motioned for us to sit. I had an impulse to take Brian's hand as the gravity of the moment was getting to me. I turned to look at him and he gave me an understanding glance. He knew. It was disappointing I couldn't hold his hand. I sighed and turned back to watch.

45 minutes later

For the love of God...how much longer is this ceremony? I couldn't believe it had gone on for 45 minutes and they hadn't even kissed yet. Shit! Brian and I took less than 10 minutes for the whole thing and that ceremony felt long to me. The priest and some of his assistants were reading something and then it looked like they were starting communion. I was tempted to go up and take it because I was thirsty. People started standing to line up for the offering and I shifted in my seat. I was tired of sitting and paying attention. The lady sitting next to me glared at me for bring antsy. I ignored her. I moved around some more and suddenly felt Brian's hand across my chest; trying to still me. I made a tiny sound of annoyance.

"What are you? Twelve?" he whispered to me and I shot him a shitty look. He glanced over and rolled his eyes as he picked up his coat and laid it across our laps. I instantly reached for his hand under the coat and felt better once he laced his fingers with mine. It was something else to focus on. I tried to keep watching the ceremony and felt Brian start tickling the palm of my hand with his fingers. He kept his eye on the front and I stifled a giggle as he kept tickling me. I got my hand away from his and he glanced at me. I made a circle with my thumb and finger and slipped it over his index finger and proceeded to simulate sex on his digit. I could see the smirk form on his mouth as he tried to watch the communion. He went to take his hand back but I grabbed it and clenched it in mine and returned to watching the altar.

They finished communion and we all stood as the choir sang a hymn. We sat back down and the priest appeared to finally be moving things along. Deacy turned to face Ronnie and lifted her veil and they kissed. The priest announced them married and the music started up as they walked down the aisle together. We all stood and cheered and clapped and I was happy for them and happy this was over. Brian handed me my coat as we made the slow march to the church hall for the reception. We ended up running into Freddie and his dates as we headed into the hall.

"Nice of you to wait until the last possible moment to show up.." I told him with a sarcastic tone as Brian and I hugged Mary and were introduced to her friend Stephanie. Freddie waived a dismissive hand at me as we went up to check our coats at a small table.

"My limousine was late..." he replied as we took our coat receipts.

"Limousine?" I said to him and he nodded casually as Brian joined us and we headed for the punch bowl.

"Well...a taxi felt a bit under-dressed for the occasion.." he told me as we took a cup and drank. The punch was good and I emptied my cup in one gulp.

"Could you have at least worn a different color?" Brian asked him. Freddie laughed a little and smiled coyly at Brian.

"My suit was at the cleaners.." he replied and dismissed any further comments as he joined Mary and Stephanie to mix with the guests. A line was forming to congratulate Deacy and Ronnie so Brian gestured for us to queue up. We made our way towards the bride and groom and I noticed several girls watching me as we arrived at the front. They whispered to each other and one of them actually pointed at me. I tried to ignore them and watched as Brian hugged Deacy.

"Congratulations John..." Brian told him and Deacy smiled as they released their hold on each other. Brian went to hug Ronnie and I noticed the giggling group of girls had moved up to stand next to Ronnie. When Brian finished his hug with the bride one of the girls went to hug Brian. He looked uncertain for a moment and then gave in to hug her. The other girls got excited and reached out for a hug as well.

"You did it Deaks!" I told Deacy as we hugged and I patted his back before we moved away from each other. We both laughed a bit and he smiled as Ronnie came in to hug me.

"You look beautiful Ronnie...just lovely.." I told her and she smiled. Her and Deacy shared a happy glance at each other. "That was quite a ceremony..." I couldn't help but comment and Brian swatted my arm when he heard me. Deacy and Ronnie both laughed at Brian's reaction and then she shook her head at me.

"I know....way too long.." I was glad to see she thought it was a bit much. "My parents insisted on the full mass..." Ronnie leaned in and whispered to me. "I'm thinking it was penance for being up the duff.." she remarked and I laughed at her sense of humor about being pregnant at her wedding.

"Well...we all survived." I responded to be nice and Brian rolled his eyes at me.

"Some just barely..." he commented and Ronnie burst out laughing. She grabbed her tummy and pushed me aside.

"Oh...I've got to pee...excuse me.." she announced and started walking towards the toilets. We were pushed along by the people behind me and I moved up to find myself being offered hugs from the girls who had already hugged Brian.

"He's taken girls.." Deacy shouted to them and I saw their faces drop as they waited for a hug. I finished up with the disappointed girls and Brian and I went to find something to eat.

\--------------------

It had started snowing just as they predicted. Several people were keeping an eye on the weather and I felt bad that this was a distraction on Deacy's happy day. Brian and I sat at a table with John Harris and his girlfriend. They were arguing about his recent car purchase. We couldn't help but hear her complain that he loved his car more than her. Brian and I tried not to laugh at her ridiculous generalization of men liking their machines more than their women. I wanted so bad to say I love my car but I love my Brian more. Of course....we won't discuss drum kits and guitars...I sometimes wonder who is more special....me or Red. Their conversation was interrupted by Freddie's arrival at our table with his companions. They took a seat and we all watched as Deacy and Ronnie cut their cake. Brian pulled out his camera and got some nice photos of the event and everyone that was there. He even took a few stereo shots for Deacy as he has shown some enthusiasm for photography. Many people started leaving once the cake was cut. Some even before then. There was growing concern about the conditions outside.

"Everyone! Can I have your attention?" Ronnie announced after having a brief conversation with the priest. We all turned to listen. "The weather has deteriorated and the radio said it will get worse. They need to open the this hall as a shelter. We are going to have to cut our reception short I'm afraid..." she announced. Everyone looked saddened for the couple but distressed about the weather. The female attendants started packing up things and family members were taking gifts to someone's car. Ronnie and Deacy made their way towards the doors and waived goodbye. "Thank you for coming....we'll open our gifts another day...thanks again and be safe getting home!" Deacy told everyone as they left. Freddie walked up to us and Mary and Stephanie went to the coat check.

"I'm off boys...satin doesn't like this wet weather..." he told me as he ran his hand down his creamy satin pants. What a day!" Freddie commented to us as he gathered his women and took off. I waived goodbye to them and Brian went to ask if Deacy's mother needed any help. 

"Please take some cake with you...there is plenty to go around.." Ronnie's mother announced looking a bit glum. I felt bad for them and got in line to grab some cake for Brian and myself. I was handed four boxes of cake and headed over to get our coats. Brian came up and joined me. 

"Hungry?" I asked Brian as we got dressed go outside. He laughed when he saw my stack of boxes.

"Yeah...there wasn't much I could eat on the buffet. But I need something more substantial than cake..." he told me as we reached the car and I started it up. We both worked to clean the snow and ice from the car windows and climbed in to head out. 

"Well I guess that leaves one bachelor in Queen..." I commented to Brian as we drove to get some takeaway for dinner. Brian gave me a derogatory look. I tried to keep my eye on the snow covered streets.

"He is engaged to Mary... I wonder if that's still the case.." Brian pondered. He had a point. Since Freddie had told us he was bisexual and having an affair with our Elektra records representative, you had to wonder if Mary was still interested in getting married...let alone Freddie himself.

"Do you think they'll get married? She was with him at the ceremony today.." I remarked and he looked uncertain. 

"I doubt it. They may not break up but I don't see them willing to commit at that level.." Brian replied. "I can't imagine how complicated things are between them right now.." he was probably right. It had to be complicated at the Mercury-Austin residence. Their faces today seemed to indicate harmony but I wondered how things really were behind closed doors.

We moved along slowly as the snow was limiting visibility. We reached our favorite takeaway to find it was closed. A hand written note on the door indicated it was due to the weather. We drove on and found a pizza place open so we ordered one with half cheese and half pepperoni and waited in the warm restaurant for it to cook. We headed straight home and were lucky to find a parking spot. I carried the pizza and cake while Brian got the door. We stripped off our coats, hats and shoes. I set the food on the counter and walked straight upstairs to get out of my wet clothes. I found a sweatshirt and my pajama pants and changed as Brian came in to do the same.

I went downstairs and found us a couple of bottles of beer and took them and the pizza into the living room. I got the tv turned on and flipped the channels waiting for Brian. I found the listings in our damp newspaper and saw a Peter Sellers film was on. I tuned it to the right station and plopped down to eat. Brian joined me on the couch

"What did you find to watch?" he asked as he grabbed a slice of pizza. 

"The Mouse That Roared...Peter Sellers movie.." I replied and we sat back to eat and watch the film. I got tired of pizza after a few slices and had a sweet tooth so I went and grabbed a box of cake. I sat back down and opened the box and stuck my fork in to get a bite. It was nice and moist and had a creamy custard filling. I noticed Brian watching me and I got some on a fork and moved it to his mouth. He opened up and took the bite and smiled as he ate it.

"That tastes really good.." he commented as I nodded and took another bite. He got up to get his own box and came back with a fork. I was finishing my portion as Brian started his. He offered me a bite and I opened up to take it. I ate it while he took another bite and I noticed he got some icing on his mouth. I reached over to wipe it off and then impulsively leaned in and licked it off his lips. Brian was surprised at my action but leaned into my lips in response. I opened my mouth and he did the same and I tasted the cake flavor still fresh on his tongue. Brian pulled back and looked at me with lust in his eyes. He took another bite of cake and then set down the cake and grabbed my head and kissed me again. I opened my mouth to his again and we shared the cake and some intense kissing. Brian pushed me back onto the couch cushions and we started snogging. We forgot about the movie and kept making out.

"Wanna take this upstairs?" I asked Brian as we stopped to catch our breath. He smiled at me and then glanced over at the table.

"I haven't finished my cake.." he replied and I laughed and pushed him off me and reached over and took his cake.

"Hey! That's mine!" he told me and I took off up the stairs with his cake box. Brian shot me a pouty look.

"We can finish it in bed..."


	6. America's New Bride To Be (Okay Grooms..Actually) - Part 1

28th January 1975

Dr. Roberts' Office 

Roger's POV

Brian and I were waiting to see Dr. Roberts. We both had an appointment for physicals as we head out in two days for North America. We sat in his waiting room and Brian was looking through a National Geographic magazine. I had a new car catalog I had picked up at a dealership. Since things were starting to look up for us with record sales and we had a sell out tour and a new contract pending, I felt like I could dream a little. I flipped through and checked out the sports cars they offered. I really liked the Triumph TR6 and was looking at the engine size options and sports package. Brian peeked over to see what I was doing and grinned at me.

"What color do you like?" he asked and I looked over the options displayed on the page. 

"I like the blue or the silver.." I replied and he pointed to the red swatch.

"I like the red.." he commented. I heard a door open.

"Brian...Roger...the doctor is ready for you.." I heard a nurse tell us. When I looked up I was surprised to see a familiar face. She was smiling at us and we walked over to greet her.

"Nurse Mullen...what are you doing here?" I asked as she shook my hand. Brian gave her a hug and I cringed inside. 

"I was ready for a change and Dr. Roberts was looking for a nurse...so here I am!" she explained as she walked us to his exam room. I wasn't thrilled to see her but Brian was. I know they bonded during his hospital time. She seems nice enough but is a bit handsy with Brian for my taste. We got inside and she handed me a clipboard to fill in some information. I took it and sat down to answer the health questions as she got Brian on the scale to weigh him.

"Wow! I gained a bit Rog.." Brian told me as I looked up at his happy face. I could have told him that. He ate like a horse over the holidays. He did look really healthy and content which was such a change from six months ago.

"If you don't fit in your stage costume Freddie will kill you..." I pointed out and he and Chrissy both laughed. Dr. Roberts came in and shook my hand. He walked over to Brian and they started his exam as I finished my questionnaire. I sat and watched as he checked Brian out and then it was my turn. Brian filled his form out as I sat on the table and Dr. Roberts listened to my lungs and heart. 

"Any problems or complaints?" he asked me as he checked my reflexes and I shook my head. I had been feeling good. Never really get ill. I'm lucky I guess.

"You both look like you've had a bit of sun...did you go somewhere?" he asked me.

"We went to Tenerife over the holidays.." I answered and he smiled and reached for his ear scope.

"The sun looks good on you..." he remarked and he looked over my clipboard answers. "I see your going to Japan on this tour..."

"Yeah...we go in April.." I explained and he nodded. He looked at Brian and then at me.

"You'll like it there...it's a pretty country...the people are very polite..." he commented. "I went on a trip there a few years back...had a great time.." Dr. Roberts pulled a booklet out of a drawer and checked something and smiled at me. "Looks like you don't need any additional vaccinations...you should be all set.." he told me as he finished up my exam.

"Are you excited about going to the states?" Chrissie asked us. 

"Yeah...we just hope we can finish this tour without any problems..." Brian explained and she nodded understanding. I know Brian still felt guilty about his hepatitis causing the cancellation of half our tour last year. It wasn't his fault but you couldn't tell him that.

"Well you both are fit and healthy so I don't see any problems for you..." Dr. Roberts commented as I put my shirt back on. "I'll send over your exam results to the insurance office. Have a safe trip and try to get some regular sleep..." he cautioned Brian as they shook hands. I shook his as well and we said goodbye to Chrissie and headed out.

"I guess it's time to pack.." Brian said as we climbed into the car.

\------------------------- 

29th January

Brian's POV

I got emotional again when I cleaned out the litter box after we finished packing. We had taken Squeaky to my parent's house a few hours ago and said goodbye. It was hard to leave her there knowing I wouldn't see her until probably May. I carried the dirty litter along with our trash out to the bin on our porch. We had to remember to set it out for pickup before the car came to collect us for our trip.

So many things to do before we leave....I was hoping it would distract me from missing my girl. I went back inside and washed my hands and headed upstairs. Roger was packing clothes into a large suitcase. Since we would be gone so long on this tour we had purchased some new luggage. Roger was working to fit everything in. Despite living together and sharing pretty much everything, we couldn't share suitcases on the road. A courier was collecting our cases tonight so we had to be ready. I was grateful Roger took my advice and made a packing list this time. We were going to experience winter and spring weather so it was important to remember to bring certain items with us. I was glad to find him crossing some things off his list as I moved one of the suitcases off from my side of the bed.

"How much more do you have?" I asked as he looked over his list.

"I'm actually just double checking my list...about finished with it.." Roger replied. He reached into his drawer for something and I made a space for myself to sit down. 

I picked up my half finished letter I was writing for the fan club members. I had been asked to write one for the next issue. It was awkward to write but I wanted to do my best. The fans really matter. I told them about the film editing we worked on for the Rainbow concert film. I also mentioned the taping we did for the music program - The Old Grey Whistle Test. This show was more our style than Top of The Pops. They would be airing our performance of 'Now I'm Here' while we are in the States. It was being released as a single this month. I had higher hopes for this song to be a top 10 hit than my last contribution. Since 'Killer Queen' did so well it seemed promising. I wanted to say I had a hit song just like Fred had. Of course I had to mention our American tour. And Japan! I finished the letter and tried to decide on a send off. I smiled to myself as I made a reference to the song 'Keep Yourself Alive'. It was my mantra for this upcoming schedule of shows. Well - both healthy and alive. 

"Rog...I finished my letter so I'm ready to go to the office when you are.." I announced. Roger looked at me with trepidation as he picked up my letter. He read it as I watched him and smiled when he finished. I was relieved by his smile.

"That's really good...the fans will love it!" he told me. I was happy he liked it. "I'll be just a minute.." he let me know as he headed for the bathroom. I went downstairs and put my boots on. I hated that I couldn't wear my clogs right now. I've kind of grown attached to them. The wet weather and cold temperatures don't make it possible. Roger came down and we grabbed our coats as I tucked my letter in my bag.

We took off for the Trident office. It was strange going there since our relationship with them is strained. I heard we might be moving our fan club to a new location and I hoped this was true. Seeing the Sheffield brothers was awkward. Peter was still in this same office and the less we saw of him the better. It was bad enough we would be stuck with him on tour for months to come.

"So do we want to go ahead and say something to Peter today?" Roger asked as he drove us to Soho. I knew we planned to tell him how we felt about him trying to set us up with girls or using Roger as eye candy for promotion. I tried to think of how we would approach him.

"I guess there's no good time to do it...might as well.." I responded and instantly felt tense. We found a place to park and walked towards the building as we saw Barry Sheffield come out of the door. We slowed down hoping to avoid seeing him. Barry went to the street and opened the door to a brand new Jaguar convertible. Roger and I shared a look of surprise as we watched Barry take off in his new car.

"I thought they were in the red because we owed them so much money?" Roger seethed as we headed into the offices. The place was bustling and we noticed they had hired some more staff. Apparently, things were just fine at Trident! We went down the hall to the fan club office and went inside. Sue was talking to another girl when she saw me. She smiled and hugged us both. 

""I have that letter for you.." I handed Sue the letter and she read it over. She finished and handed it to her co-worker.

"Brian...it's lovely...thanks so much for doing this. I know you've been busy.." I smiled at her compliment. I felt a rush of satisfaction for my efforts.

"You're welcome Sue. I'll always make time for the fans.." I replied and she liked my answer. Roger and I said hello to everyone and they wished us good luck on the tour. We shared a nervous glance as we walked to Peter's office. The door was closed so Roger knocked and waited.

"Come in...doors open!" he shouted and Roger went in. I followed him in to see Peter talking on the phone and smoking. "Hang on..." he whispered to us as he finished his conversation. We both stood and waited. He hung up the phone and motioned to his empty couch. We stayed standing since it felt more direct. More in control. "Are you ready for the road guys?" he asked us as he smashed his cigarette in an ashtray.

"We are...but we need to discuss something with you before we go.." Roger told him. Peter's interest was piqued and he looked at us intently. 

"I'm all ears...." he replied.

I swallowed hard and wondered if I should speak or if Roger would. I turned and saw him looking at me so I nodded to him and he began. My pulse rate went up. 

"Peter...from now on...we need you to stop trying to set us up with girls." Roger started. He looked completely serious and sounded as such. "No more groupies, dates, hook ups, whatever...just no more.." Peter looked surprised and then his expression changed to one of a smug fox.

"Ohhh...did someone get a girlfriend over the holidays?" he asked Roger with a suggestive tone. Roger sighed heavily and Peter frowned at his response. Why couldn't he just accept a request without saying something derogatory or making assumptions? He is a suck a prick! I just need him to stop..

"Who we date is none of your business if you want to the know the truth! Just...no more girls!" I told Peter firmly.

"Fine! I'll quit trying to get you both laid. Gheez! Just trying to be a good friend and this is the thanks I get.." he grumbled at us. I was relieved he seemed agreeable to stop despite his whiny remark. Peter got up from his desk and walked over to us. He went to put his arm around Roger. Roger rolled his eyes as Peter bumped shoulders with him like they were great buddies.

"You know Roger...I feel like I was doing your friend here a favor..." he commented to Roger and pointed at me. Peter looked at me with an odd expression and then turned back to Roger. "You're buddy here is so uptight...I figured getting him laid once and a while would loosen that stick up his ass..." 

I felt my face get hot with embarrassment but Roger's face went red and I jumped to grab his arm as he went to hit Peter. Peter reacted in time and avoided getting smacked in the jaw. I kept a grip on Roger's arm as he jerked it in my hand and threw me a look of pure anger.

"What the fuck Roger!" Peter yelled as he tried to keep his footing. I realized my heart was hammering in my chest and felt a little lightheaded. This was not going how I hoped it would. This is terrible!

"You say one more thing and I will fucking end you!" Roger roared at him. I got Roger pulled away from him and Peter looked furious at Roger's actions. He moved away from us and straightened his jacket. Roger was breathing heavy and I was afraid we had just made an awful mistake. 

"Get the hell out of my office!' he shouted as he marched to his door and opened it to us. We both went out and noticed a few of the office girls staring as we came down the hall. Roger stormed out to the lobby and shot me a dirty look.

"Why didn't you let me hit him?" Roger barked at me as we headed out the front door. I shook my head and pressed my arm to his back to get him moving towards the car.

"Because despite all that...we are still stuck with him for the next 3 moths." I reminded him sharply. Roger huffed at me and marched to the car door with a scowl on his face. 

We got to the car and slid inside and sat for a moment to calm down. I ran my hand through my hair and Roger avoided my gaze. I felt both of us resume normal breathing and the car got quiet.

"Well....that went well.." I finally said to him to cut the tension and he finally turned to look at me and started laughing. I couldn't help but join him as we both collapsed in a fit of hysterics. I clutched my stomach and felt tears form in my eyes from how disastrous this whole thing had been. Roger slapped the steering wheel and then his own thigh as he worked through an extreme case of the giggles. Our laughter died down and we ended up sighing and smiling. 

We both turned to look at each other and suddenly Roger smashed his mouth against mine. I grabbed his face and we started kissing each other furiously. We then remembered we were on display sitting in the car in the middle of Soho during the afternoon. We pulled apart from each other practically panting. We looked around to see if anyone saw us and Roger started the car and took off driving.

For some reason, finally telling Peter to get off our backs was a release of some kind. I was irritated with Roger for trying to hit him but the more I thought about it, the more turned on I felt. He was defending me. Standing up for me! I found it kind of hot. Roger is my protector! I reached over with my hand and stroked Roger's thigh. He turned to look at me for a moment as he drove and pulled my hand onto his crotch. He was already getting hard. Apparently this situation had the same effect on him. My own crotch swelled at the feel of his erection. I stroked Roger's bulge as he drove us home and he looked over at me constantly. His eyes were dark with lust and he began rubbing my thigh when we stopped for a red light.

Roger made fast work getting us home and we both darted from the car and ran to the door of our flat. I got it unlocked and we stumbled inside as I threw my bag down on the floor and pushed Roger against the wall. We both attacked each other and opened our mouths and kissed fervently. I pulled my coat off and let it fall away and then got Roger's off as we tried to keep contact with our lips. Both of us starting moaning. I picked Roger up and carried him to the kitchen table and sat him down as we kept up our passionate kissing. He reached down and unzipped my trousers and pulled my cock out of my briefs. I moaned into his mouth as he stroked me and I got his zipper undone and he pulled away from me and lifted himself up as I tugged his trousers and underwear down his legs. I got his cock in my hand as he kicked his clothes away and we kissed and stroked each other into a hard breathing frenzy. I managed to step out of my trousers and underpants. 

"Mmmm...want you to fuck me Bri..." Roger breathed into my mouth as we enjoyed heavy tongue play. I very much wanted him but we were downstairs and the lube was upstairs. I didn't want to disrupt our moment and felt conflicted about doing this without something to slip me inside him. My mind raced over the possibilities as I pulled away from his mouth and looked around the kitchen. An idea hit me and I grabbed onto Roger's hips and lifted him up as Roger put his arms around my neck. I got him off the table and into my arms as he lifted his lower half to help me and I carried him to the kitchen counter. I set him down as we kept kissing and I clumsily opened the cupboard. I got out the cooking oil bottle and Roger propped up on his elbows watching me and raised his eyebrows as I got back in front of him.

"Aren't you the little improviser?" Roger commented to me as I grinned at him and put a tiny amount of oil on my fingers. 

"Thought it would do in a pinch..." I told him and we both snickered at my creativity.

I rubbed it around as he spread his thighs against the countertop. I got between his legs and spread his cheeks with one hand while I slipped my finger in. Roger watched me from his reclined position and his eyes were large and dark as he took hold of my head and resumed our kissing from earlier. I took hold of his cock again and he did the same to me as I slipped two fingers in and began moving them deep inside him. We began a rhythm of stroking each other as I moved my fingers to work him open. All the friction and heavy breathing got us going quickly.

"Ready babe...." Roger told me as he dropped my cock from his hand and I gently pulled my fingers out and reached for the oil container. I tipped the bottle and used the small portion to coat myself and Roger scooted himself to the edge of the counter. I took hold of his thighs and moved him towards me as he laid back and I pushed myself into him. He moaned lightly as I put his legs over my arms and slowly began to move inside him.

"Oh yeah Bri....this is good.." Roger moaned and half laughed at me and I sped up my movements. I gripped his thighs firmly in my hands and thrust into him as he was pushed back against the backsplash on the counter. 

"You were so fucking amazing with Peter.." I told him breathily as I smiled down at him half bent on the counter. Roger was loving this confined space and intense fucking. He kept his mouth in a half smile as it hung open. 

"You're fucking amazing right now..." he replied and I groaned and slammed into him.

"Wish that bastard could see us right now.." I fantasized to Roger and tried to imagine the shocked look on his face. Roger moaned and reached up to grab my head as he brought me closer for a kiss. We licked at each other's mouth and separated with a laugh.

"Yeah...that would be a sight!" Roger agreed with me and he grinned devilishly as I thrust into him with increased passion. "He should know that the only stick you ever get up your ass is my cock!" Roger teased and I smiled open mouthed at him as I reached down to grab his hips and slammed him hard into the counter. 

"I'm lovin yours right now though....ohhhh" he added as he grabbed my hair and started tugging on it. It made my heart race and my stomach clench. I moved my mouth down to his neck and bit onto his collar bone and shoulder as I pounded him hard and Roger gasped at the feel of my teeth on his skin. 

"You fucking little vampire..." Roger teased at me as I let up on his neck and he started pushing me off of him. I bent down again and nipped at his jugular and he laughed. I slipped my hand down to take his cock and found his hand already there. I covered his with mine and we jerked him off as I reached my climax and pushed him hard into the counter. 

"Fuck....fuck Rog..." I groaned at him as I pressed my hips taught against his bottom and held myself there as I emptied inside him. Roger wrapped his legs around me and pulled me closer as we finished him off. He gasped as he clenched his muscles around my spent cock and buried his face in my hair. Our hands were covered by his sperm and I slipped my hand away to wrap myself around him as I held him against me on the counter. His legs started falling down and we stayed close to each other as we came down from our lust. Roger sighed contentedly as I slowly let go of him and separated ourselves. I stepped back from the counter and he laughed as he looked at the state of me. I looked down and saw my long skinny legs that contained only socks and shoes. My top half was covered by my t-shirt and jumper. I had never bothered to take them off and looked ridiculous standing there. I started laughing with him as I helped him get up from the counter.

"That's a good look there.." he commented to me cheekily as he steadied himself on his feet. I looked him over and noticed he didn't have shoes on and was missing one sock. His velvet top had cum on it and was pushed half way up his chest. His hair was a complete disaster but he still looked so fucking sexy. I almost hated him for it.

"You're only in one sock and your top. Why do you still look so damn sexy and I look like a right idiot?" I asked him. He shook his head and gave me a sheepish grin as he started walking towards the stairs.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful babe..." he toyed with me as I hurried to beat him up the stairs. Roger came up behind me and slapped my ass as I shouted and ran for the bathroom.

\-----------------

30 January 

Heathrow Airport

Roger's POV

Brian and I were a bit nervous to see Peter for the first time since the blow up at his office yesterday. We were sitting at the gate waiting for our flight. Freddie and John were already here and we had been talking about the short trips they had made before we were leaving. John had been on a honeymoon with Veronica and had made it to Paris for a few days despite the lousy weather. Freddie had spent time in the countryside with Mary and some friends. Since we had vacationed in Tenerife right after Christmas, we were already rested and ready for the tour. Our tans had faded somewhat but both of us had enjoyed plenty of rest and relaxation to prepare us for this long haul.

I checked my watch and saw our flight was leaving in about 30 minutes. We could start boarding any minute. I wondered for a moment if Peter might have quit as our promotions man. He was pretty angry when we left. Of course, I had every right to hit him for what he said about Brian. That fucking prick had it coming. I still wished Brian wouldn't have stopped me from punching his smug face. I get why he did it, but it would have felt so damn good to flatten his ass. 

"You don't think he quit do you?" I voiced my concern to Brian and he looked intrigued by my question. He scratched his nose and then shrugged his shoulders. 

"I don't know..." he told me and looked towards the walkway that led to our gate. I looked that way as well and saw Peter marching towards us with a large luggage cart. He looked grim and serious as he approached and I shared a look of concern with Brian. 

"Boy...he looks like he's in a good mood!" Deacy announced sarcastically as Peter grabbed a bag from his cart and slung it right at me. It was a mail bag and it landed hard against my lap.

"Good morning Peter!" Freddie cooed to him as he stood and leered at Brian and myself. Peter ignored Freddie while Deacy snickered nervously at the tension between us. He tossed another bag at Brian and then one towards Freddie. 

"Since you all won't be busy with any girls on this tour, I figured you could catch up on your fan mail..." he told us in a tight rigid voice. He walked over and shoved a bag in Deacy's arms and then stood and looked right at him.

"By the way...I had a great time at your stag night..." Peter hissed at him and stormed off with his cart. 

"Shit!" Deacy announced as Peter walked off to the gate door. We all shared a look of alarm at Peter's demeanor. I knew Deacy had played that awful joke on him about the his stag party and sent him to an AA meeting. We had riled him up with our unfortunate meeting yesterday.

"What the hell happened to piss him off?" Freddie asked us all. He looked at his huge mail bag and sighed. I realized Freddie had not been present for Deacy's joke or our episode with Peter.

"Brian and I told him yesterday to quit setting us up with girls...." I told him and Freddie shot me a look of contempt. "Let's just say it didn't end well.." I added and he became irritated at our poor judgement. He tapped Deacy on the arm.

"What's this about your stag party? I'm confused! Peter wasn't there.." Freddie questioned and Deacy shrugged and then smiled his little gap tooth grin.

"I may have sent Peter to an Alcoholic's Anonymous meeting instead of my party.." he advised him and Freddie's mouth dropped open in shock and amusement. He smiled widely and instantly pressed his hand over his mouth to cover his teeth. He shook his head and tittered at Deacy.

"I think I love you Deacy..." Freddie giggled and John joined in the laughter. I couldn't believe how casually Freddie said this to him and how John reacted after the end of their intimate relationship but I didn't want to read into too much. I don't know the ins and out of who they were or now are together. Brian gripped my arm and I turned to look at him. He was bewildered and a bit taken aback by Freddie's comment. He apparently was more concerned.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Brian's scoffed and I sighed and patted his leg.

'God....this is going to be an interesting tour..'


	7. America's New Bride To Be (Okay Grooms..Actually) - Part 2

Brian's POV

So we arrived safe and sound in New York City and spent several days rehearsing for the North American leg of our tour. Things were going well and it looked like we were in good shape to present a fantastic show for our American fans. 

Things had cooled off with Peter after a few days. He did keep his word about not pushing girls on us but it was clear there was a permanent tension between us. Whether it was our near punch up in his office or the fact that we were negotiating to get out of our contract with his organization, the mood was not light and we tried to avoid him more than ever.

We stayed at a really nice hotel in New York and had our own rooms. This meant time apart from Rog at night but at least I knew there were separate rooms for Fred and Deacy. I wasn't sure what to think after their confessions a few weeks ago and Freddie's little comment in the airport waiting area. I hoped with Deacy freshly married and Freddie apparently involvement with David Minns, our Elektra records representative, that there was nothing going on with them. I had to remind myself it might not be any of my business. I worked to just let it go. Rog was a bit irritated with me when I brought the subject up so I dropped it and tried to focus on other things.

Other things to focus on did include the large amount of fan mail that Peter had dumped on us all. I have to admit it's not a bad idea to read and respond to our letters as something to fill the time spent on airplanes and lonely nights in our hotel rooms. I hope we don't run out of our new Queen stationery to respond to the letter before the tour ends. This did help pass the hours of our time travelling throughout Ohio on the first stops on our tour. The shows went down well and we had reports of strong record sales and our single Killer Queen performing solidly in the charts. So far it had reached #5 and we hoped it might move up to a higher slot. We had failed to get it to #1 in England so a top spot here would have been fantastic. If this single didn't do it maybe my song, Now I'm Here, would.

One thing that is constant and not very fun is the extremely cold weather. Touring in February isn't ideal. I worried that winter weather would delay our flights or cause show cancellations. Though we have encountered snow and ice, the areas seem accustomed to it and it has been 'on with the show' so to speak. This miserable cold has not been conducive to go out and explore much. We have commitments for publicity that get us out of our hotel rooms but we aren't keen for anything more since the temperatures are frigid. Maybe heading to another part of the country will be warmer. Right now, all this time in Ohio has been a deep freeze. I was grateful for the new winter coat I bought before we left London. Roger and Freddie both wore fox fur coats they have owned since their shop days. I detest these coats but what can I do? They have the right to wear them if they want. I just hate seeing Roger in it. He told me he would get a nice fake fur once we have more money. He loves the warmth of fur, he says, since he gets cold easily in the winter. My own new coat had no real fur, thank you very much. It was a nice heavy white fabric with a wide wool collar and I thought I looked pretty smart in it. Roger had found me a really neat hat that I topped my look off with. Sometimes I feel cool enough to be his better half.

So with the low temperatures outside and some boredom setting in after the high of the initial shows wore off, we found other ways to occupy our time. One of them was drinking. And sometimes, it was way too much.

11 Feb 1975

Toledo OH

4 hours after the concert 

"Careful.." Roger told me in a loud whisper and we both giggled as he helped me to the hotel room. I had about six drinks at the hotel bar after the concert but didn't think much of it. I had not drank true hard liquor in several months and they hit me fast and hard. Roger was a bit drunk himself but was managing better than me. "You've become a lightweight Bri!" Roger teased as he walked me off the elevator and had his arm around me as we approached the door. I watched him as he fished my key out of my trousers and thought he looked pretty devilish with his hand in my front pocket.

"Are you trying to get in my pants?" I asked him; trying to sound naughty but realized my voice just came off as a bit slurred. I guess I said it too loud.

"Shh Bri! Why don't you talk a bit louder so the whole hotel can hear you?" he said to me sarcastically and got the room door open. I giggled at the amusement he wore on his face as he helped me in and closed the door. I tried to stand and kick my shoes off but got dizzy and almost fell down. He swooped over to grab me and guided me to sit down on the bed as he swayed a bit himself.

"Let's get you ready for bed..." he suggested to me and I nodded to him as he reached down to take my shoes off me. I leaned back on the bed on my elbows while he got me out of my socks and shoes. I reached down to undo my trousers and felt his hands assist me. I smiled to myself as I considered getting frisky with him. I grabbed his hand and tried to put it down my pants.

"Ohhh...somebody's drunk and horny!" Roger teased me and pulled his hand away gently but still worked on getting my trousers off. I winked at him and laughed; unable to wipe a stupid grin off my face. He chuckled at me as he slipped my trousers down my legs and pulled them off. I felt loose and silly and kicked my legs up in the air once I was free of my clothes. 

"Wheeee!" I blurted out as I felt the freedom of no tight trousers on me.

Roger stepped out of the path of my long limbs with a chuckle and came up to remove my shirt. I felt goose pimply all over once my chest was bare. I crossed my arms over my torso and shivered.

"It's cold Roggie!" I told him. He walked over to get in my suitcase and snickered as he pulled out my long red nightshirt.

"Still like to wear this, huh?" he asked me as he came over to slip it on me. I nodded to him as he got it over my shoulders and I savored the body coverage in the cool room.

"It's comfy..." I told him as he pulled it down over my thighs. I rolled on my side on the bed and curled my legs up to get warm; tucking them up into my nightshirt as much as I could.

"You have to move so we can get you under the covers babe.." he told me and I nodded my understanding to him but didn't move. I was cold but felt comfortable. I actually kind of felt like a piece of gelatin to be honest. He grabbed my arm to pull me up and I whined as he got me seated and then helped me stand up a bit while he pulled the covers back. He pushed the bedclothes to the end of the bed and then I swung my body around carefully to lay down properly on the mattress. I rolled over to look at him and threw my arms out towards him for a hug; really wanting him to lay down with me.

"In a minute...let me get your clothes off the floor.." he told me and bent down to gather my clothes. I laid there watching him and noticed how cute his ass was as he bent over to reach the floor. I rolled over to grab him and felt light headed and tumbled right off the bed. Roger stumbled out of my way and I landed with a thud on the floor. I bumped my bottom and sprawled out on the carpet. It knocked the wind out of me for a moment and then I found it incredibly funny to have fallen off the bed and started laughing. I laid on my back holding my sides and couldn't stop laughing. Roger had joined in after seeing what a state I was in. He hovered over me as he watched me try to settle down.

"You're a mess!" he snorted at me and pulled my hair out of my eyes and mouth. I nodded agreement to him and smiled as he bent down and kissed me. I kissed him back and he tried to slip his tongue in my mouth but it tickled my bottom lip and I burst out laughing again. Roger almost collided heads with me but caught himself and fell against my chest in a fit of giggles.

\-------------------------------

The next morning

That's all I remembered as I drank black coffee and ate dry toast at breakfast this morning. Well...if you could call it morning! It was about 11:30 actually. Everyone was quiet and subdued at the table in the dining area. Each of us had been celebrating a bit too much on the tour so far. I think after last night's escapades I was ready for a break. It all started with trying to relieve boredom and tension with Peter. It soon passed and then it was just plain living life to its fullest I guess. Since I had spent so much of the prior year sick and laid up, it was liberating to be out with my dearest friends celebrating our recent success and our tour. Deacy's new marriage and forthcoming baby was another reason to knock back some more drinks. It just went from there.

I watched Roger across the table as he sat with his head in one of his hands and ignored his plate of food. He was staring off into space and I figured he had another hangover headache. I think between so much physical exertion drumming and then the dehydrating effect of alcohol he ended up with headache most mornings. I wondered if he was ready for a quiet night in.

"C'mon everyone! Perk up! We're headed out in 30 minutes. Get your things and get in the bus!" Peter announced in a voice that was way too cheery. I dropped the remainder of my toast and stood up to head to the toilets before getting my bags. Roger watched me and remained seated as he tried to finish his tea. I got inside and heard someone throwing up in a stall. I ignored it and did my business and was washing up when the stall opened and Deacy stumbled out. He looked terrible and was holding his stomach as he neared the sink.

"Morning sickness again Deacy?" I teased and he grimaced at me as he washed his hands. I watched as he filled his cupped hands up and then splashed himself several times in the face with cold water before we walked out of the toilets and headed for the bus. I put my arm around him and he leaned in for support.

"I've got to stop celebrating!" he groaned and I hugged him to me and smiled.

"Me too!" I concurred. "I think we all need a down night...a break from the bottle..." I added and he nodded agreement.

12th Feb 1975

Bus - en route from Toledo OH to Waterbury CT

Roger's POV

I woke up after taking a nap on the bus. This bus was nicer than the last one we had and the bunks were more comfortable. I didn't want to leave the warmth of the blanket and my own body heat but figured I needed to move around or I would get stiff. I stood up and stretched as the cooler air woke me up some more. Deacy was still asleep in the bunk across from me so I was quiet as I got around. I used the toilet in the back of the bus and headed towards the middle where the others were seated at tables working on fan mail. We were told this was a 12 hour bus ride so we had time to kill. Luckily we weren't trapped with Peter on this drive. He had flown ahead for promotion work.

Brian saw me approaching and smiled at me as I carried my blanket with me. I found the bus a little chilly and wanted to stay warm. 

"You cold Rog?" he asked me and I nodded as I grabbed the thermos of hot chocolate and sat down in the empty spot next to Freddie. He was reading one of his letters and smiling to himself. He leaned in to me as a greeting as I got settled and wrapped the blanket around my back and shoulders. I leaned back in response and we both grinned at each other. 

"Sleep well darling?" Freddie asked as he ignored his letter and watched me pour a cup of hot chocolate. 

"Yeah...the bunks are not too bad on this bus.." I remarked and took a sip of the sweet beverage. It was not super hot but warm enough to hit the spot. I took another drink.

"I might take a nap myself....these letters are nice but my eyes are getting heavy.." Freddie told me as he resumed reading the letter in front of him. I watched Brian sitting at the other small table. He was writing a letter to someone and he peered up at me once he felt someone watching him. His soft hazel eyes settled on mine and I smiled at him.

"You hungry?" he queried and I realized my stomach was empty.

"Yeah...." Brian got up from the table and I went to protest. I could get myself something to eat.

"Don't worry...stay in your blanket.." Brian told me and I stayed put and watched him make me a peanut butter and jam sandwich at the small makeshift kitchen we had on the bus. He brought it over to me on a paper plate.

"Thanks babe.." I took the sandwich and had a bite. He was good at putting the right ratio of peanut butter with jam and it was perfect. Brian got into the tiny refrigerator and pulled out a container of milk. He poured me a cup and brought it to me with a bag of corn chips.

"Try these together...Deacy turned me on to it!" Brian explained and I took a bite of the sandwich and popped a few of the corn chips in my mouth and then swallowed it down with a drink of milk after a few bites. It did taste good! The combination of sweet and savory, soft and crunchy and the creamy milk was great. 

"It is good.." I told him between bites and he smiled warmly at me as he resumed his seat at the table. I watched him and Freddie work on their mail as I finished eating and then got up to put up my trash. I grabbed my own mail bag and decided to sort through it before reading or answering any letters. Freddie was packing up his own stuff to go nap so I had the table to myself as I dumped the bag on the table top and proceeded to read over the envelopes.

"I'm off for some beauty sleep..." Freddie quipped as he tucked his mail bag behind the seats and grabbed his small day bag. 

"Night Fred.." I called to him as he headed for the bunks.

"Finally going to read some of those letters?" Brian teased me as I looked at the pile in front of me. I had avoided doing this on the trip so far and he had chided me for ignoring my duties.

"Yes! Just getting it organized..." I argued and he snickered as I sighed at the volume of letters and cards. I first separated the cards from the letters. Cards would be quicker so I opened some of them first. Most were Christmas cards and had mainly holidays greetings inside. A few had actual letters tucked inside so I took the time to read them. There were a lot of comments about my clothes and hair and looks. Some were cute and charming. I really liked a letter from a girl who spent all her lines talking about my drumming and how it made her want to become a drummer. I felt a bit proud reading it and hoped she would pursue her dream. 

"Read this!" I told Brian and held out the letter to him. He reached over from his little table and took it from me and went over it as I tucked her card and envelope aside so I didn't lose her contact information. He finished reading it and handed it to me with a huge grin.

"That's fantastic Rog! You have to write her back and encourage her.." he suggested. I planned on it. I suddenly was interested in doing this and made a stack for letters I would respond to today. I decided to look at some letters and sorted through the large pile. Most were from people in England and a few from European addresses. I wondered if there were any American fan letters and I noticed a familiar name on an envelope. My heart jumped as I read the name Kim Kerrigan with a Worcester address. She had written - Personal and Private - on the envelope. It was un-opened. Shit! I couldn't believe she wrote to me. After a whole year! After she fucked me, took off in secret and took my bloody wallet? Why would she write me a letter? What did she have to say after all this time? A thank you? An apology? I don't know. I was annoyed and had the impulse to tear the letter up. I went to tear it but stopped at the last minute. I wasn't sure why but I tossed it in the bag and resumed looking through the others. Maybe I'll open it later. Just not now. I sighed as I picked up a letter from someone who lives in Reading, Massachusetts. This was a letter addressed to the whole band and was given to me to read. We divvied up all the group letters between us. His name was Greg and I read his comments about our second album. As I read I kept finding myself wondering about Kim's letter. It as distracting.

"Anything else interesting?" Brian asked me and I looked up from the letter and pondered telling him about the letter from Kim. I hadn't decided if I was going to read it. I guess I will tell him about it only if I open it. I let it go for now.

"Nope...just a group letter.." I answered and we both returned to reading. I sighed inside and wondered if I should write back to Greg. He liked our song writing and wondered if we ever considered writing a song together. I was impressed he had noticed the writing credits on the album sleeve and that it was an individual writer for each. Maybe I'll explain our studio process to take my mind off of Kim. I glanced over at Brian and sighed inside as I picked up a pen and looked around for some of our stationery.

\-------------------------- 

14th February

Waterbury CT

I woke up in my hotel room and felt the warm body snuggled against my back. It was early and I only woke to use the toilet. I slipped away from Brian and went to relieve myself. I crept back to bed and climbed back in. This time I was facing him. He opened his eyes halfway and pulled me towards him in a close hug under the blanket.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" he whispered to me and kissed my forehead before enveloping me in his arms. I closed my eyes and hoped to go back to sleep. I could sense Brian was awake now and he held me to him for awhile as I listened to him breathe. 

"You're leaving aren't you?" I finally said out loud and he pulled me back and sighed. 

"I better...yeah..." he answered and shuffled around on the bed to try to get out without making me move. He turned on the light in the bathroom so he could see and started getting around. I hated this but we still had to keep things secret. Brian had asked me not to tell Peter about us and I respected his wish. It made moments like this frustrating though. I turned to watch Brian put his clothes back on and he went into the toilet for a few minutes. My eyes got heavy as he came out and slipped his clogs on. He sat down on the bed and leaned over and kissed me. "See you later..." he told me in between short sweet kisses. "Love you..."

"I love you too Brimi...happy valentine's..." I told him and he smiled at me and stood up and left the room. I groaned at having to finish sleeping alone and pulled the blanket over my head and buried my face in his pillow. I did fall back asleep but not for long. I woke up and realized it was pointless and dragged myself to the shower.

I got around and headed downstairs for some breakfast. I was hungry and actually looked forward to the hotel food versus a fast food meal on the bus. This hotel had a decent size breakfast buffet according to my roadie Crystal. They had arrived a day earlier and enjoyed the amenity. I got off the elevator and found my way to the dining area. I only saw some of the road crew sitting down as I nodded hello and grabbed a plate. I filled it with eggs, bacon, fried potatoes and toast and made my way to a table. I saw Brian come in and quickly found a table for two that we could share. He greeted everyone and I sat down and watched him fill a plate as I buttered and spread my toast with some orange marmalade. I saw Brian turn around to me and mouth at me the words 'are the potatoes okay?' I quickly took a bite and confirmed they weren't fried in animal fat. I gave him a thumbs up and he smiled and put some on his dish. A waitress came by and filled two mugs for us and I put milk and sugar in them both for us as Brian arrived at the table.

He plopped down and began to prepare his toast as I scarfed down my food. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until went to eat.

"Rog...slow down...you'll get indigestion.." Brian scolded me as I put a huge forkful of potatoes in my mouth. I grimaced at him as I chewed and he smirked at me. I finished my meal as Brian only got half way through. I lingered over my coffee and we didn't say much. The others came and went from the room and we sat and enjoyed as much of a moment together as we could. 

Freddie came bursting in and was animated and jovial as he greeted everyone. "How are you two doing this fine morning?" Freddie queried to Brian and myself as he took a plate and started selecting some food. "Anything special planned for this beautiful day?" He was sure in a fabulous mood and almost twirled about the room in a whimsical daze.

"You're away from home in the miserable cold wet weather and we have a show tonight. How is this a beautiful day?" Brian asked him with a smirk that told me he wasn't really serious but wanted to play along with Freddie's game. I love it when Brian is in a saucy mood.

"Well if you must know I'm hosting a little soiree after the show tonight in my room...or should I say my suite?" Freddie corrected himself and then looked at us for a reaction. 

"Suite?" Brian asked him and Freddie developed a Cheshire cat grin and picked up his toast to butter it. We only have regular single rooms. How did he have a suite?

"My special cupid got me a suite for Valentine's day and is joining me for a pleasant evening of drinks and romance.." Freddie announced to us. He was obviously hinting at his boyfriend coming to town for a visit and David had apparently arranged to get a hotel suite for them both upstairs. I was impressed.

"A soiree? It sounds like it's a party for two..." I replied and he smiled demurely at me.

"Well...I plan to start the evening out with a small group of special friends and end the night with a party for two.." he clarified. He glanced and Brian and then me. "So will you join us for a nightcap?" Freddie asked sweetly. I exchanged a look with Brian. He shrugged and got up from the table. I took it as his okay.

"Yeah....we'll be there..."


	8. America's New Bride To Be (Okay Grooms..Actually) - Part 3

14 February 1975

Waterbury CT - Hotel

Brian's POV

"So I guess we can assume that David knows about us?" I asked Roger as I waited for him to finish getting ready to go to Freddie's suite for his Valentine's party. I stepped away from the bathroom door as Roger sprayed some hairspray on his head to set his style.

"Probably....I mean...why would he invite us to spend an evening with him and his boyfriend if he didn't know we're a couple?" Roger had a good point. They could just be alone and enjoy some time together but he had included us for part of their evening. It made sense.

"You realize we've never socialized with another couple...except for Trevor and Wilkie.." I commented to Roger. He was slipping his jacket on and nodded understanding to me.

"I'm sure it will be no different than spending time with them.." Roger then looked at me with concern. He came up and straightened the collar on my shirt and then patted it down. "I think you're nervous about this and for no reason.." Roger suggested to me. "You know Freddie and you've met David more than once...what's the big deal?" he asked me. He pocketed his room key and went to open the room door. I wasn't sure why I was so anxious about tonight. I guess I felt out of my depth. I didn't know Freddie as a gay man. This was new. A little scary for some reason.

"I don't know.." I told him honestly. He started out of the room and I followed as he went and pressed the button for the lift. "We've never really been open like this and it's just....different.." I added. I wasn't entirely sure what it was. Roger stepped into the lift and I got in as he pressed the button for the top floor. He smiled and took my hand.

"Well...here's to new adventures..." he told me and reached up and kissed me for assurance.

The lift door opened and we discovered that there were only two doors on this floor. Only two suites. The Presidential and The Honeymoon suites. 

"I wonder which one Freddie has?" I said to Roger sarcastically and he snickered as he walked up and pressed the buzzer for the room. We stood and waited for a moment and then the door opened and Freddie pulled me inside for a big hug. He grabbed Roger with his other free hand and got him in as well as I surveyed the room. 

"Welcome boys!" Freddie proclaimed and squeezed us to his sides as he let us look around.

This suite was huge! The room we were in housed a sitting area with two couches and some overstuffed chairs that all had matching fabric. Next to it was a white baby grand piano. I had never seen a hotel room with a piano in it and was impressed. There was a small kitchen area with a wet bar and to the side were doors to other rooms. I noticed a large bouquet of red roses on the counter and wondered if they were for Freddie from David. Or from Freddie to David? Should I have got Roger some flowers? Shit! I didn't get him anything for Valentine's Day. I suddenly felt like a shitty husband and wondered what I could do to make it up to him.

I glanced over and saw Roger checking out the entire place. His mouth was open in awe and he pulled away from Freddie to take it all in. Freddie was enjoying our gawking and he walked over to a tray and picked up two flutes of champagne and walked back towards us. I took one from him and Roger did the same. 

"This is how I want to live!" Roger announced to us both and we laughed at his dreamy look.

One of the side doors opened and David came out and smiled as he saw us. I noticed he was dressed entirely in black. So was Freddie! They were practically matching. David had grown a beard since I had last seen him. He came over towards us all and reached his hand out to me.

"Good to see you Brian...Happy Valentine's.." he told me in his American accent. I liked David. He was an easy going and shy person. Kind of like me. I shook his hand and he reached over to take Roger's as well. 

"Thanks for inviting us.." I told David and took a sip of the cold champagne. It had a nice flavor and I drank some more as Freddie and David walked to the couches and motioned to us.

"Come join us.." Freddie told us and Roger walked over and I followed him to sit on the couch facing them. Freddie and David had taken a relaxed pose and were leaned into each other as they sipped their own champagne and smiled at us. 

"Freddie told me about you...I have to say I had no idea you were a couple...you hide it well.." David commented to us. I smiled at him and nodded. If felt odd to be the topic of conversation.

"We just celebrated five years.." Roger told him and I turned to look at Roger; happy to hear the pride in his voice as he spoke. Roger smiled his heavenly smile at me and leaned towards me. It felt really strange to do it, but I kissed him. He wanted me to and I couldn't deny him despite how awkward I felt being like this in front of David. I know I was blushing and noticed Freddie and David grinning at me like two smug cats.

"To five years and many more!" Freddie announced to us and held up his glass for a toast. David did the same. Roger and I glanced at each other and held ours up as well. We all leaned over and clinked glasses.

"Cheers..." Roger replied and we all took a drink. 'So exactly how long have you two been seeing each other?" Roger asked them casually as he leaned into my side to mimic the position of the other two. Freddie didn't answer so David looked compelled to say something.

"To be honest...it started in December..." he explained. Freddie looked away from us and seemed a touch embarrassed at Roger's question. "When I was in London planning your record release and tour.." David paused and could see some discomfort in my face. It was difficult to hide. "I know you are both good friends with Mary and this situation has proved awkward for you both. I'm sorry if our relationship has caused you distress..." David said it with such sincerity and warmth I couldn't deny it was the truth. He slipped his hand over Freddie's and they shared a tender moment looking at each other.

"I know you both can appreciate the difficulties we face..." Freddie chimed in as he kept hold of David's hand. He made eye contact with me specifically and I felt a little self conscious. Singled out. "I'm not proud of my situation with Mary..." Freddie started and I could tell he thought I was judging him for his actions of late. I did feel empathy for his circumstances. I wanted him to know I cared and could let go of the fact he blatantly cheated on someone he claims to love. To be devoted to. To have become engaged to. I needed to keep an open mind and realize I actually had an easier time with my relationship. Roger and I had found our love without the complication of existing romances or obligations. We had been lucky.

"Fred...I know it seems I judged you harshly that day.....I'm sorry. I was shocked and needed time to absorb it all. I hope you can forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you.." I confessed to him and Freddie looked surprised at the length of my apology. I was surprised as well. We exchanged a smile and I felt Roger reach over and take my hand. I let it slip into mine and squeezed it. 

"I appreciate that Brian..." Freddie told me and moved to get up from the couch. He walked over and sat down at the piano and opened the lid. He fingered a few keys and then looked over at me. He gestured with his long elegant hand. "Come join me Bri.." I wasn't sure what he was up to but slipped my hand away from Roger's and stood up and went to the piano. He scooted over and prompted me to sit. I took the empty spot and faced him as I sat down. He began playing something spontaneous and melodic and I glanced over to see David and Roger both smiling at us. Freddie started playing something I recognized and I grinned as he broke into the number.

'There were bells...on a hill...but I never heard them ringing...no...I never heard them at all...till there was you...'

"Sing with me.." Freddie ordered and I joined in for the next verse as he played the melody on the piano. We harmonized and it took me back to our days at the old flat. Working out harmonies and singing songs we all loved down in the basement.

'There were birds...in the sky...but I never heard them winging...no...I never heard them at all...till there was you...'

Roger squealed with joy and bounced up and down on the couch watching us. I smiled at his reaction as we serenaded him and David. I noticed David looking at Freddie and sharing a loving glance. We kept singing and finished the song to applause from our intimate audience. Freddie patted my arm and we both laughed lightly as Freddie ran his hand up and down the piano. I don't get to play as much as he does and always feel intimated by his finesse on the instrument. 

"More!" Roger requested and Freddie glanced at me to see what I was keen on. I thought of something and whispered to him and he stood up and walked over to sit by David.

"This is for you Rog...happy valentine's day!" I told him and he beamed at me as I settled myself in the middle of the bench and placed my hands on the keys. I found the right key for the song and began.

'To lead a better life  
I need my love to be here  
Here, making each day of the year  
Changing my life with a wave of his hand  
Nobody can deny that there's something there  
There, running my hands through his hair  
Both of us thinking how good it can be  
Someone is speaking, but he doesn't know he's there  
I want him everywhere  
And if he's beside me I know I need never care  
But to love him is to need him everywhere  
Knowing that love is to share  
Each one believing that love never dies  
Watching their eyes and hoping I'm always there  
I want him everywhere  
And if he's beside me I know I need never care  
But to love him is to need him everywhere  
Knowing that love is to share  
Each one believing that love never dies  
Watching their eyes and hoping I'm always there  
I will be there  
And everywhere  
Here, there and everywhere' 

I watched Roger when I didn't have to focus on the keys and loved the expression on his face. It was the only Valentine's gift I needed. His perfect smile. When I finished Roger leapt up from the couch and came over and proceeded to sit in my lap as I turned towards him. He put his arms around me and kissed me. I laughed at his overtures and kissed him back. I could hear Freddie giggling and caught his eye when I glanced over.

"That was lovely Brian. You are a better pianist than you give yourself credit for.." he told me and it felt like a nice compliment. David was smiling and Freddie got up from his spot and came over to Roger and I and moved to slide over. He leaned down towards me. 

"Can you play 'My Funny Valentine?'" he asked me. Sadly I didn't know how to play it. I shook my head.

"Sorry Fred.." I mumbled and he waived his hand at me.

"That's alright...it's not one everyone knows dear..." he told me and I felt better. I moved Roger off my lap and got up from the piano as Freddie sat and took command of the keys. I walked with Roger over to sit down and David poured us some more champagne as Freddie cooed at David.

"This is for you my sweet.." he told David and they shared a brief smile as Freddie started singing and playing. He made it look so effortless and we were all swept up in his performance. Freddie crooned away and David soon got up and joined him at the piano as Freddie slipped an arm around his boyfriend and they sang the rest of the song in unison.

When they finished they turned and kissed and I felt funny watching Freddie kiss a man. I know...I kiss Roger everyday...but it was strange. I glanced at Roger and he noticed my mild discomfort. He took my hand and squeezed it and I nodded to him that I was okay.

"I know it's different...but...he is who he is babe...just like us.." Roger reminded me. I nodded again and watched Freddie and David start up another song. To make myself, Roger and Freddie feel better I got up and walked over and stood by the piano to watch them. Roger came up to my side and we held hands on top of the piano as they did a rendition of Elvis's Love Me Tender. Roger soon took over the proceedings and whispered to Freddie. He nodded to him and then took my hand as the other's watched and Freddie began playing.

Oh my love for the first time in my life  
My eyes are wide open  
Oh my lover for the first time in my life  
My eyes can see  
I see the wind  
Oh, I see the trees  
Everything is clear in my heart  
I see the clouds  
Oh, I see the sky  
Everything is clear in our world  
Oh my love for the first time in my life  
My mind is wide open  
Oh my lover for the first time in my life  
My mind can feel  
I feel the sorrow  
Oh, I feel dreams  
Everything is clear in my heart  
I feel life  
Oh, I feel love  
Everything is clear in our world

Roger finished this beautiful rendition of 'Oh My Love..' One of my favorite Lennon love songs and I got choked up at his gesture to me. Roger leaned into me as I wiped a tear from my eye and Freddie made an 'awwww' sound at me. I bent down and kissed Roger and he smiled against my mouth which made my heart flutter. Even after all this time, it still gets to me.

"That was just beautiful...." I told him as we shared a loving look. I was glad we had joined Freddie and David for a quiet evening. It was a nice change from the hotel bars and dodging groupies. We stayed a little longer and listened to Freddie play for us and for David. It got late and we left after hugging them both and wishing them a good night. I did feel better about my understanding of Freddie's new life and hoped to talk to him about it when we were alone next.

Roger and I walked to the lift and took it to our floor. We didn't speak as we headed into Roger's room. I closed the door behind us and fell asleep holding and kissing my valentine.

\----------------------

7th March 1975

Milwaukee WI - Hotel Room

Roger's POV

The shower felt great and the hot water shook me loose for the day. My shoulders have been tight from the non-stop drumming over the past month. I rotated them slowly under the pounding water and sighed happily as they relaxed. I hurried with my shampoo and soap after spending time unwinding. I didn't to run out of hot water. I got out of the shower and dried off and peeked at the clock as I started on my hair. I needed to rush. We had a telephone call with Jim Beach, our attorney, in 20 minutes. I finished in the bath and pulled on some clothes and grabbed my room key and cigarettes as I made my way to the lift. The hotel was kind enough to loan us a small conference room for the call. I found it on the first floor and walked in to find Bri and Freddie waiting. 

"Morning Rog...he should be calling any minute.." Freddie advised me as I took a seat next to Brian. He leaned over and kissed me good morning as we watched the bulky telephone sitting on the table. Deacy came in breathing fast. It was like he ran to make it.

"Sorry...I was on the phone with Ronnie..." he muttered as he got seated. It suddenly rang and Freddie answered it and Deacy hit the conference button. I leaned back and proceeded to listen to his update about our legal matters.

20 minutes later

"Well that's where we stand right now. I will let you know if there is any other news and we can meet again.." Jim told us. I waited for him to say goodbye.

"Roger...can I get your room #?" Jim asked me. I found it an odd request.

"I'm in 312.." I replied. The others looked at me funny as they got up to head out.

"I need to call you...are you headed back to your room?" he asked me. I wasn't sure what this was about.

"I am...what's this about?" I asked him as the others listened with interest. The phone was quiet for a second.

"I'd prefer to tell you in private.." he responded. Freddie shrugged and told Jim goodbye as we ended the call and walked out. 

"We'll see you on the bus..." Deacy advised me as he and Freddie left. Brian looked at me with curiousity and we headed towards my room.

"I wonder what he wants?" Brian asked me and I shook my head. 

"I don't have a clue!" I told him honestly. Brian and I got off the lift and he turned towards his room. 

"I need to pack...I guess let me know.." he announced as he walked the opposite direction from me.

"Okay.." I told him; already distracted by the mystery of Jim's request. I got my room door open and started put my things away to prepare to check out. The phone rang after a few minutes and I sat down before I answered.

"Hello.."

"Hi Roger...it's Jim...look...sorry about the conference call...I need to talk to you about something and wanted you to hear it first." I was completely clueless and pressed my hand tight to the receiver.

"Alright...I understand...what is it?" I asked him. I fumbled around in my pocket to find my cigarettes.

"A letter was sent to you through the Queen offices and since it was from an attorney, Trident forward it to me to handle..." Jim started and I felt my insides twist at the sound of the word attorney. Why would an attorney be writing to me? I had no idea.

"Did they open the letter? Did you? What did it say?" I know I spoke quickly but this was really starting to get me worked up. My heart rate had increased and I felt warm all over.

"I did read it Roger.." he started and I could sense a touch of dread in his voice. I gulped. "I wish we didn't have to talk about this over the phone...it's such a sensitive issue.." he said next; which only made me feel worse.

"What is it Jim...just tell me straight up!" I requested and held my breath as he started to speak. I started to imagine horrible criminal things and wondered if I had somehow hurt or killed someone. I had no bloody idea!

"Roger....do you know someone by the name of Kim Kerrigan?" he asked me and my stomach dropped. I choked on the breath I was holding and tried to take another breath.

"Ye.Yes....what's this about?" I finally asked him with complete fear in my voice.

"Roger....it's regarding a paternity matter.." he told me and I thought I might pass out hearing that word. "There's a child Roger....the letter says it's yours." I felt woozy and my head started roaring and I don't remember slipping into darkness.

\-------------------

Brian's POV

I was finishing my packing when my telephone rang. I was sure it was Roger and picked it up.

"Hello?" 

"Brian! It's Jim! Are you by Roger's room?" he asked me in a panicked voice. My heart leapt into my throat and answered.

"Yes! What's wrong?" I barked into the phone. Why was he calling me? 

"Brian...I think he passed out while I was talking to him....you need to check on him..." he told me quickly. I felt faint myself hearing this and immediately wondered what happened.

I'll go now.!" I told him as I dropped the phone and took off the down hall. I got to his room and banged on the door.

"Rog it's me!" I shouted and waited to see if he responded. I listened and heard nothing. I tried again with no result. A saw a maid come out of a room down the hall.

"Miss...I need your help!" I shouted as I hurriedly walked her way. "My friend may have passed out in his room...he won't answer!" I told her in a hyper manner. I pointed towards his door and she grabbed her keys as she moved my way. I ran back to his door and she arrived and found the right key. She opened the door and stood back as I rushed in. Roger was face down on the carpet and she gasped as she watched from the door as I knelt down by him to check to see if he was breathing.

"Rog?" I shouted at him with complete fear in my voice. I grabbed his shoulders once I was sure he was alive and tried to gently coax him back to consciousness.

"Is he alright?" the maid asked me as Roger started coming to in my arms. He was disoriented and looked at me with half open eyes and confusion.

"Rog! Are you okay?" I asked him as he focused his eyes on me. "Jim called me...he said you passed out!" I exclaimed as his eyes grew wide hearing Jim's name. He shook his head and groaned at me. 

"I think he's okay....thank you!" I told the maid and she nodded and started closing the door. I knew something was wrong for him to pass out and then react this way when I mentioned Jim. Roger clung to me and started sobbing once he was coherent and I thought he had received news of a death. Did his mother of father die? Clare? I was distraught just thinking about it. I hugged him close and pressed my mouth towards his ear.

"Rog...what is it? What happened?" I asked him as I felt tears sting my own eyes at the horrible sounds he was making. "Babe....just tell me..." I begged him and held him close and felt tears slip down my face.

"Bri...." he gasped at me in between sobs and it made my heart hurt to hear this. "I can't tell you...I can't..." he was not making any sense and I tried to rock him a bit to calm him down. I noticed the phone receiver sitting loose on the floor and reached over to hang it up. I cradled it and held Roger; waiting for the storm to settle inside him. My mind ran all over the place with what he could have heard from Jim and I almost felt a touch of anger at him for doing this to Roger.

I jerked when the phone rang and I instinctively knew it was Jim calling back. I held Roger in one arm and reached over with the other. He tried to grab my arm to stop me.

"Babe...I need to answer that.." I told him and he cried out.

"No!" he sobbed and pulled my arm back. I had to know what happened. What was making Roger so distraught?

"Rog...I have to.." 

"No!" he sobbed again and threw himself against me and grabbed my arm. "No!" he said again and rolled his head on my chest and turned to look at me. "If you know....you'll hate me..." he said between hiccups and I felt like my head would cave in. I got hold of him again and pulled him back to force him to look at me.

"Roger! You must tell me now! I don't care what it is! I could never hate you.." I assured him and he shook his head as he bore into my soul with those devastated blue eyes and spoke.

"It's Kim!" he told me with half of his breath sucked out of him. He closed his eyes in what looked like real physical pain and my stomach churned inside me. I had no idea what Kim had to do with his. What is going on?

"What do you mean? What does she have to do with this?" I asked him in complete confusion. He started shaking in my arms and his lips quivered as I pulled him back towards me to try to calm him down. I was completely terrified at this point. I held him close as he whispered to me.

"She had a baby..."


	9. America's New Bride To Be (Okay Grooms..Actually) - Part 4

Roger's POV

"She had a baby.." I finally said it out loud and felt like I could just die right then and there. I watched as the recognition of my words registered in Brian's face. His eyes grew wide and his mouth opened in complete shock. I watched and waited for him to react. For him to tell me what a fuck up I am. To tell me how disappointed he is in me. To tell me..

"Rog...I...is she saying it's yours?" Brian asked me and I noticed he had developed a look of confusion and disbelief. He reached up and ran his hand through my hair which was comforting but not nearly enough to reach the pain that had settled in my gut. The pain became a twisted knot and I realized I was going to be sick. I gagged involuntarily and moved to get out of Brian's arms as I scrambled shakily to get on my feet to run to the toilet. I stumbled and tripped but managed to half crawl, half walk to the bowl and grabbed the edge as I vomited violently into the toilet. I hung my head over the bowl and felt waves of nausea roll over me and the familiar roar of my fainting returned. I felt my legs weaken and feared I might pass out again. Strong arms encircled me and held me up as I whimpered and started dry heaving over the bowl once my stomach contents were gone. I felt Brian pull my hair back from my clammy face and I started to feel like the roar in my head and the nausea were dissipating. I wouldn't pass out. The knot in my stomach remained but I pushed myself slowly away from the toilet.

"You okay?" Brian whispered to me as I leaned back into his arms. He kept hold of me and I registered a ringing sound in the background. It was the telephone. It was Jim calling back. I nodded to Brian as I pulled away from him.

"Get the phone..." I told him in a thick voice. His brow furrowed and he looked hesitant to leave me. I pushed at him and he relented and helped me lean against the side of the bathtub and then moved away towards the nightstand. I sat with my knees bent in front of me and put my head in my hands. 

" Jim? Yeah...he passed out.....he's okay...yes...he told me....how did you find out?" 

I heard Brian speaking to Jim and wanted to crawl inside the bathtub and let the water run. Just fill the tub up and let it rise above me and swallow me whole. I wanted to empty myself down the drain and disappear from this moment. I couldn't wrap my head around the words Jim had said to me. A baby! A fucking baby! And she's saying it's my baby. I shook my head in my hands not wanting to believe it. The memory of her face flashed in my mind. I could see her sitting in that hotel bar smiling and laughing with me over some charming thing I said to her. She had been just a nice local fan at that moment. Someone to talk to and pass the time with. We had some things in common and talked for hours. It had been a nice evening. I replayed the innocent meeting over in my head and felt dread enter my thoughts as I recalled my fateful decision to invite her to that party. Brian was ill and I wanted to go party. Party! Mott The Hoople was done with their show and the after party was starting up. I remember casually asking her if she wanted to join me upstairs. I should have realized asking her this was basically me asking her if she wanted to sleep with me later. At least that is how she probably took it. I took her upstairs and drank and did foolish things with her. Alcohol, cocaine and sex. Then I lied to Brian about what happened. But it blew up in my face. She showed up again and our encounter was exposed in a hurtful way to poor Brian. And he lashed out in hurt to try and hurt me back and it became an ugly mess. Both hurting and doing foolish things. Both of us fucking girls we had no real interest in just to get back at the other. Well...I guess I'm the one who truly got fucked!

"Rog?" I heard Brian calling me as he walked back into the bathroom. I looked up from my hands to see his worried eyes and thin smile watching me. He squatted down in front of me and reached for my hand. "Why don't you come lie down?" he told me and I nodded and took his hand as he stood up and pulled me up with him. He walked me to the bed and I sat down and laid back on the mattress. Brian went back to the bathroom and I heard the water running as I stared up at the ceiling. He came back and placed a warm wet washcloth on my face and wiped me off. It felt soothing and he finished and sat down next to me. I looked at him and he smiled at me and ran his hand over my cheek.

"What did he say?" I finally found the courage to ask and Brian's smile tightened and his lips thinned. He kept his hand on my face and it felt good.

"He said it was a letter from an attorney who represented the interests of the family of Kim Kerrigan. The letter stated she had a child in August last year and that you are the father..." he told me quietly. I swallowed hard hearing the facts and nodded gently to acknowledge what he said. Brian sighed and moved his hand from my cheek and took my hand. "I did the math Rog and it lines up time wise.." he announced to me. "Of course...that doesn't mean it's yours.." he argued quickly. "She is just claiming it is.." he added. He looked like he was thinking about something and bit his lower lip. I hated this but understood why he needed to ask me things.

"Rog....you slept with her twice...right?" he questioned and I nodded. That was my recollection. He looked hesitant for a moment and then spoke again. "When you slept with her...did you use a condom" he asked me gently. I felt a pang of remorse at his question. It was a perfectly acceptable question to ask me. I just wished I had a different answer.

"No..." I answered quietly. Brian got a subdued look and blinked a few times.

"That still doesn't mean it's yours..." Brian told me emphatically. He squeezed my hand and looked at me with concern but hope. I wanted to believe his argument. I wanted it to be true. Part of me wanted to think she was lying and looking for a handout. Someone to pin her situation on. I wasn't entirely sure. As I laid on the bed absorbing it I had the realization that I had got a letter from her. I shot up from the bed and Brian got out of my way as I scrambled over to my mail bag lying on the floor. 

"What are you doing?" he gasped; surprised at my actions as I pulled it open and dumped the contents on the floor. I got down on my knees to sort through it. 

"She wrote me a letter..." I told him breathing hard. Wanting to find that letter. I heard Brian get off the bed and he was suddenly kneeling beside me sorting through the pile. My heart rate was up with the anticipation that her letter might hold answers.

"She did? You didn't read it?" he asked me as we glanced quickly at each envelope. I shook my head as I looked at the letter in my hand. It wasn't it. Shit!

"No...I didn't know what to make of her writing to me and put it aside.." I explained and he accepted this and kept looking. 

"Found it!" he shouted and turned towards me with the envelope and handed it to me. I felt a jolt of anxiety course through me as I took the letter from him. I sat back on my legs to steady myself and tore the envelope. Brian was watching me and we shared a nervous glance as I pulled the paper out.  
\------------------

Dear Roger

I know you are surprised to get a letter from me. I get it. Just know that I am first of all writing to tell you how sorry I am about the way I behaved. I know what I did was wrong and I'm sorry. No excuses. I hope you will forgive me.

I have enclosed 10 pounds as partial repayment of the money I stole from you. I know it's not everything I owe you. I will send you more when I can. I will repay you in full. I promise.

I need to talk to you about something and a letter just isn't the place for it. Please contact me as soon as possible. It's quite important. I know you have no reason to want to speak to me, but I am pleading with you to at least phone me. Please just hear me out.

You are a nice guy Roger. One of the good ones. There aren't many out there. I'm hoping my instincts are right and you will call me. Just one phone call. I need to speak to you.

Waiting and hoping

Kim

P.S. I saw you on Top of The Pops. You really are a star!  
\--------------------

I noticed the letter was dated the 28th of November. It was months old! Shit! There was a phone number listed at the bottom of the letter and her address in Worcester. I felt Brian watching me and sighed as I handed him the letter to read. I looked in the envelope and saw the 10 pound note wedged inside. I felt a touch of anger seeing it. Was she writing to apologize and butter me up before she dropped the bomb on me or was it a sincere request for forgiveness and a segue way to telling me about the baby? I don't know. I pulled the money out and crumpled it in my hand and threw it at the wall. Anger suddenly filled my core as I thought about the fact that she had given birth in August and had not contacted me during all this time. Not even before it was born. If it was mine, why didn't she tell me right away? I felt the anger intensify as I processed this new emotion. The shock was wearing off and a fury built inside me. I grabbed the letter from Brian's hand and stood up and moved towards the telephone. I wanted an answer! Why didn't she tell me before now? Why didn't she come to London to tell me to my face? Why did she wait so long to say anything? Where was she all this time?

"What are you doing?" Brian asked me as I picked up the phone and dialed zero for an operator. 

"Calling her to find out why she didn't tell me before now.....why she took for fucking ever to try to tell me!" I shouted and he glared at me and lunged for the phone. I tried to move it away but he got the receiver and tried to jerk it away from me.

"You can't do that! She has an attorney now...you can't call her! Don't!" Brian shouted back and got his hands on the base of the phone and pulled it out of my grasp.

I scrambled to get it back but he hung it up and moved to get it behind his back. I realized he would fight me for it so I gave up and yelled out in frustration and kicked the nightstand.

"I'm sorry Rog! You can't do this.....you can't just call her now...it's too late for that.." he argued and I knew he was right. If she had involved an attorney, it had to come through him. I stumbled towards the bed to sit and realized I couldn't sit still right now. I needed some air. Needed to cool off from this. This nightmare. I ran my hand over my face and then pulled it through my disheveled hair.

"Need some air..." I mumbled to Brian and grabbed my room key and cigarettes and bolted out the door. I heard it open behind me as I headed down the hall to the lift. I guess he just watched me walking. He didn't say anything or follow me and I was grateful. I needed some space. I pressed the button for the lift and waited. It seemed to take forever which just made me more anxious. I glanced around trying to ignore my growing impatience and saw the door for the stairs. I took off for it and headed down the stairwell trying to burn off my energy. My fury. I reached the bottom and made my way through the lobby to go outside. The wind hit me hard as I stepped out the front entrance. It cut through me as I recognized I didn't have a coat on. I went and leaned against the hotel wall as I reached for a cigarette and my lighter in my pocket. The wind made it difficult to light but I managed it. I pressed my back to the wall to keep the gusts off of me and inhaled deeply. I tried to will the anger away with each puff I took. I stood in the icy blast as I finished off two cigarettes and felt numbed by the cold. It helped. I didn't really fix anything but it helped. I felt eyes on me and saw the doorman for the hotel looking at me.

"You okay?" he asked me and eyed me with concern. I shook my head at him as I pulled myself away from the wall and started back towards the entrance.

"No....but thanks..." I told him politely and made my way inside. I sighed heavily as I got to the lift and glanced towards the lobby. I noticed the bar was open and pondered getting hammered right now. Sure...it was only about 1pm but why not. I knew we had a show tonight and I couldn't get drunk. I'm upset but I wasn't going to be that foolish. I had already done something else completely foolish and was paying the price. Don't add to my burden. I stepped in the lift and headed back to my room. I walked slowly down the hallway on my floor and started wondering how Brian was feeling. I know the shock had to be wearing off. When mine did I got angry. What would he do? Would he lecture me and tell me what an idiot I am for sleeping with a girl without protection and getting her pregnant? Would he tell he didn't want to be with someone so stupid and irresponsible? Would he want to stay with me when I would now be shouldered with a reminder of the mistake I made over a year ago that would keep haunting us for the rest of my life? I know he was trying to convince me it could be a mistake or that she is lying but something inside me told me that wasn't true. Something inside my heart told me it was mine and that truth felt like bricks. Heavy bricks. 

I felt the weight in my steps as I unlocked my door and went into my room. Brian wasn't there. I noticed the mail bag had been refilled with the letters and was neatly settled against the wall. I sat down on the bed and tried to just breathe. My chest was heavy and I noticed the faint scent of vomit on me. I looked down and saw some residual sick on my shirt. Fuck! I pulled my shirt off and tossed it in the corner and walked into the bathroom and started the shower. I had a chill run over me as I stripped my clothes off and finally felt the cold of being outside with no coat. The hot water felt really good as I let it warm me all over. I washed my hair and body to rid myself of the smell of the vomit and the shame of my situation. Well...the shame wasn't going to just disappear down the drain. I felt a bit better though as I finished and toweled off. I walked in the room with the towel around me looking for some fresh clothes. There was a knock on the door and I hoped it was only Brian and no one else. I took a deep breath and walked over.

"Who is it?" 

"It's just me Rog..." Brian told me and I opened the door to let him in. He slipped inside and closed the door as I resumed looking for something to wear. He leaned against the door as I pulled my towel away and stepped into some fresh briefs and a t-shirt. I noticed the shirt felt a bit big and realized it was one of his.

"It looks better on you.." he told me as I looked at myself. I peered up to see him smiling at me with his warm loving eyes. The worry from earlier was gone and he walked over to me and hugged me.

"I'm sorry Bri..." I told him as he held me close to him and stroked my damp hair. 

"It's okay Rog....." he told me and I felt he meant it. I sighed for the millionth time today and let him hold me. He loosened his hold and walked me to the bed. I climbed on and laid down and Brian sat down and slipped his shoes off and laid down with me. I was cold without all my clothes and shivered a bit. He reached down and grabbed the bedding and pulled it up over us. It felt good and I nestled myself into Brian's arms to warm myself up and to try to feel better. We were quiet for a while and I found my mind spinning again.

"I thought you'd be mad when the shock wore off.." I told Brian and he moved his head against the pillow to look down at me.

"Well...I'm not thrilled..." he answered and I could sense some underlying tension in his voice. He didn't say anything else and we sat and held each other. The telephone rang and I jumped at the sound. The phone now representing something forboding to me. Brian rolled over and answered it.

"Hello.."

"No...it's Brian... Yes...it's Roger's room...what did you need?"

"Oh....is he okay? No...that's alright...I check on him later....I'll let Roger know...thanks.." 

Brian hung up the phone and rolled back over to face me. He looked odd.

"That was Peter!" he explained and raised his eyebrows at me. "He just canceled tonight's show.." he informed me and I actually was relieved to hear these words. I am exhausted!

"Why? Is it Freddie again?" I asked and Brian nodded. 

"Yeah....the doctor just saw him and said he shouldn't perform tonight.." 

Freddie had developed some throat problems a few weeks back and had been plagued with laryngitis and throat pain. He had seen a couple of doctors and even performed some shows against medical advice. He was paying the price now and the last few shows had been a struggle for him. His performance was passable but he was frustrated and in pain. His mood had been horrible and the only person who could comfort him was Deacy. David had returned to New York and was only available to him by phone. Brian and I seemed to irritate him for some reason so we had kept our distance to keep him happy.

"I guess we should at least go see him..." I remarked and Brian raised his eyebrows at my suggestion.

"Are you wanting to tell him about this?" he asked me and I realized we were going to have to tell Freddie and Deacy about this whole mess. I felt a little sick again at the thought. Since we didn't know everything yet I felt like it was premature to say anything.

"Since we don't know much....let's wait and tell them later...after the tour.." I suggested and Brian smiled understanding and kissed my forehead.

"Whatever you want to do..." he told me and leaned down and kissed my lips. I felt his love and support and it really helped. We stayed silent for awhile; each lost in our myriad of thoughts. 

"Jim told me a bit more....want to hear it?" he asked me and I was surprised to hear this. I guess my reaction to the core news disrupted him telling me everything. 

"Alright..." I responded and Brian began stroking my hair again.

"So the attorney asked for a meeting in the letter and Jim said he was contacting him to make arrangements. He would schedule it for when we return from our tour." Brian explained as he kept fanning my hair and gently grazing my scalp. It was as soothing as his voice and I closed my eyes as he comforted me. "You will find out more then I guess.." he added and I nodded understanding of his words. He pressed his lips to my head and I smiled at his care. Nothing was going to make this better but knowing he wasn't livid with me helped.

"There was one more thing..." he said to me and it sounded important. 

"What?" I asked with trepidation. He pressed his lips to my head again and then pulled me back as I opened my eyes to look at him. 

"The letter gave the gender and name..." he advised and I felt a lump form in my throat. I had not even considered these details at all. Still wrapped up in the news in general and being upset with Kim. I had completely forgot to consider the actual baby. Him? Her? They mattered in all this. I swallowed hard.

"What is it?" I asked in a whisper and Brian smiled at me.

"It's a girl Rog..." he answered and then laughed a little; which surprised me. 

"Her name is Tiger Lily..."


	10. America's New Bride To Be (Okay Grooms..Actually) - Part 5

24 March 1975

Tour bus - en route to Tulsa, Oklahoma

Brian's POV

Our lives had shifted because of one phone call. And one...well two letters. Everything felt surreal but the reality of our future was a weight that was palpable at times. I think we both tried to focus on the tour and being in the moment since we knew when we got home things would be very different.

At Roger's behest we said nothing to Freddie or Deacy. They had their own drama going on so it was a blessing to keep things quiet for now. Freddie's throat problems were becoming a real threat to the rest of the tour. I really felt for him as I knew how it felt to be the cause of cancelled shows and disappointing my band family and the fans. Freddie's mood towards Roger and myself had lightened so we spent more time trying to make him feel better about his health and being supportive. It was a nice distraction from our own worries. Deacy was feeling guilt and stress from not being home for the his wife's blossoming pregnancy. I truly felt bad that he was missing out on her milestones. They had not managed to move house before we left on tour and I knew the pressure to find a new place and make room for baby was present in his mind.

Of course, every time Deacy talked about the baby, it made me think about Tiger Lily. Tiger Lily! Roger had laughed when I told him her name that day. He explained that he remembered them talking about the story Peter Pan and how they both liked it. She had loved the fact that his name was Roger and that Captain Hook's ship in the story was the Jolly Roger. He recalled her saying she found him quite jolly and it had made him laugh. He was pained as he recalled snippets of their brief time together. I felt awful for him and didn't know what to do to relieve the anguish he was going through. Watching him process this in private was challenging. I wish I had someone to talk to. To deal with all my mixed emotions. I felt it was important to be there for him right now. I could sort myself out later. He really needed stable ground to keep standing. We had a tour to finish and a whole other country to experience before we went home and dealt with his harsh reality. We spent most nights together as he clung to me talking about his anger and fear and uncertainties. I held him and listened and tried to comfort him as best I could. It was hard. I spent many a night laying awake drowning in the wake of this shake up in our lives as he slept fitfully next to me. On too many mornings I crept from Roger's room before dawn to make my way back to my cold unused hotel bed. We were both tired and stressed.

I thought about Tiger Lily often. I didn't speak to Roger about it though. He didn't seem to want to dell on her specifically. He was still angry at Kim and hadn't shifted any focus on who the baby is or what she might be like. I had tried initially to argue the child may not be his to make him feel better but he seemed resigned to the fact it was true. But he wasn't ready to talk about her. I just supported his outrage at Kim's tardiness in telling him. At quiet moments I found my mind imagining what she looked like, sounded like, how big she was. How much she might look like Roger. I had determined she was almost six months old and wondered what a child that age is like. Did she have any of his traits or mannerisms? Where some inborn? I could easily picture blond hair and blue eyes. I recalled vaguely what Kim looked like and remembered she had blonde hair and brown eyes. So blonde hair was a strong contender and I was hopeful for those amazing blue eyes and his heart catching smile. Yes....definitely his smile. I wondered when we would first see her.

I left my daydream and watched Roger lost in his own thoughts as he sat in the bus seat across from me looking out the window. We had left Dallas Texas and were driving to Tulsa Oklahoma. It was about six hours and we didn't have a show tonight. This was ideal as Freddie needed a break from performing. I glanced over and looked at Freddie reading quietly in his own seat. He has been sipping some concoction that had lemon in it the past few weeks and was nursing a cup of it now. Deacy had a radio on and was trying to find a station that would remain tuned in as we moved north on the highway. Peter was reading something from his briefcase as I gazed his way. 

"How far are we from Tulsa?" Deacy asked Peter. He looked up at him and checked his watch.

"About a half hour.." he answered and Deacy perked up at the news. He turned the radio dial and tried finding a station. He honed in on one and it was country music. He left it there for a few minutes and the twangy sounds emanating from his radio seemed to annoy Roger. 

"Turn that off!" Roger whined as Deacy looked irritated by Roger's opinion and moved the dial. He found a station that was playing Electric Light Orchestra's new single - Can't Get It Out of My Head - and left the radio there. We all listened in silence as we came into the city limits and I watched out the window like the rest of them as we came into yet another place we had never been. It like looked other Midwest cities and nothing stood out. We got off the highway and I gasped when I saw us rolling into the parking lot of a building that looked like a giant castle. There were turrets and flags and the whole place had the feel of a modern medieval fortress.

"The Camelot Hotel?" Roger remarked as we came to a stop at the front entrance. It was shaped like a porticullis. We all shared an incredulous look as Peter stood up and headed towards the bus door.

"The local promoter recommended the hotel...he booked our rooms at his discounted rate.." Peter commented as he got off the bus to check us in. "He thought it was fitting...Queen being your name and everything..." he explained to us. 

I grabbed my bag and laughed lightly at our accommodations and followed him off the bus. Roger was behind me and the others were coming along. I walked into the lobby and found it was decorated in an English Tudor style that kept with the theme of the hotel name. It was pretty nice and Roger and I shared surprised looks as we surveyed everything around us. Peter walked up to us holding room keys in his hand.

"You are all on the same floor.." he advised us as we took our keys and headed upstairs. We all shared the lift to our floor and noticed the royal insignias on the mirrors inside and giggled at the over the top use of castle and royalty elements. The lift door opened and we all looked upon a throne sitting against the facing wall. Freddie sauntered off the lift and plopped down in the gilded chair.

"Looks like they were expecting me..." he quipped and we all laughed as he swung his legs around and hung them over armrest. I pulled my camera out of my bag and Freddie posed for me as I took a couple of shots.

"Your majesty.." Deacy bowed to him mockingly and I put my camera up.

"I'll send your Mum a copy..." I told him as Freddie got up and grabbed his suitcase. He smiled at my suggestion and we went to find our rooms. I was thrilled to find we had adjoining rooms. We all stepped inside and I immediately noticed I had a connecting door. It was with Roger's room so I walked over and opened it and knocked. He opened his side and we smiled at our good luck. I got settled and wandered into Roger's room. He was pulling his nightstand bag and toiletries out of his suitcase. I leaned against the wall and watched. He sat them down and pulled his jacket and shirt off.

"Want to take a shower?" he asked me and I nodded and went to my room to grab an extra towel. I took off my jacket and shirt and kicked my shoes off and returned to find Roger stripped down to his briefs as he went into the bathroom. I unzipped my trousers and followed him. He started the water as I hung my towel next to his and stripped the rest of my clothes off. It was a fancy glass shower stall. Roger stepped inside and I followed. It was roomier than most showers I had been in and I stood back as Roger let the water cover him. He pulled his wet hair back and I took his shampoo and started lathering it on his scalp. He stood with his eyes closed and savored my gentle massage of his head. I slowly rinsed his hair and then started washing his body with a soft washcloth and soap. 

"When we really get rich...I want a shower like this in our house.." Roger told me as I ran the soapy cloth down his thighs and calves. I finished and stood up and kissed him before turning him to clean his back.

"You want a big house?" I asked him and he nodded his head as my hands ran across his back to rinse the soap away. We had only talked once about what our lives would look like in the future as far as where we lived. It had been dreams he told me about on Christmas Eve years ago at his mother's home in Truro. 

"I do...yeah! I want a nice house in the country with lots of land and a pool.." he confessed as he turned to face me and pulled me under the water. I let my hair get wet and closed my eyes as I felt his hands pull me down so he could work some shampoo in my hair. I leaned over a bit so he could lather me up. "We could have some real privacy and be able to walk naked in the yard if we wanted..." he joked to me and I laughed at the image of Roger swimming naked in a pool and running bare bottomed across a huge manicured lawn. "You like the idea of it?" he asked me as I grinned at him.

"I could handle you being naked on the lawn....sure..." I replied with spirit and he bent me lower to rinse my hair.

"I guess that might have to wait a while.....with the contract negotiating and Kim...well.." Roger drifted off from his thought and I felt bad that the situation we are facing would hamper his dream. I knew that a new car and fancy house were things he wanted and having to support a child he knew nothing about before a few weeks ago was a kick in the gut for his grand plans. He lowered his eyes after he spoke and started soaping me down. I helped him finish cleaning me up and we got out of the shower and toweled off.

"You want to get something to eat in a while?" he asked me as I wrapped a towel around my waist. He was drying his hair and already had a towel around him. I grabbed a small towel to work through my own wet mop.

"Maybe later..." I answered and made my way to his bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed to finish with my hair and watch him. He came out of the bathroom running a hand through his hair and looking for a comb. He found it and stood by the mirror combing out his tangles. He was subdued from earlier and it made me a little sad. I knew his mind was filled with questions about Tiger Lily, Kim and money. I stood up and walked over to him and stood behind him; placing my hands on his shoulders. "We will figure the money out Rog....however the paternity suit plays out...we'll make it work..." I told him and he stopped combing and looked at me in the mirror.

"Bri....this is my responsibility, not yours...I'll pay for my mistake..." he told me abruptly. I instantly hated that he felt he was in this alone and detested that he called his daughter a mistake. 

"She's not a mistake Rog...." I said out loud and without thinking and he shot me a look of ire. 

That's easy for you to say...you're not the one who got a girl you hate pregnant.." he shot back at me. I understood his frustration but didn't want him dismissing a child he didn't even know. 

"But you don't hate Tiger Lily do you?" I asked him with genuine concern. He looked confused at my question and then irritated. He moved away from me and my hands slipped off his shoulders.

"I don't even know her Brian!" he replied as he walked towards the bathroom. "I'm not sure I even want to.." he told me and went in the bathroom and closed the door. I was shocked at this revelation and felt the urge to tell him he couldn't feel this way and he had to want to meet her and get to know his daughter. His child. I couldn't help but feel he had closed the door to tell me the conversation was over. I sighed and picked up my clothes and headed back to my own room. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. Disappointment in the situation. Disappointment in him. Just dismayed at the whole mess. I left the adjoining door open and put on some clean underwear and a t-shirt. I dug around in my suitcase and found an old pair of sweatpants and tugged them as I laid down on my bed. I was quiet and listened for Roger to come out of his bathroom but it was a while before he did. He didn't speak to me and I heard him lay down on his bed. We both laid in silence in our rooms and I couldn't help but feel that the opened door between our rooms represented a gap opening up between us. It was a feeling I didn't like at all. I finally rolled over and closed my eyes. Afraid to think anymore about what it meant.

\------------------------------

6th April 1975

Seattle Washington

"Are you going to wear that sweatshirt everyday for the rest of your life?" Freddie teased Deacy as we rode in the hired car towards a small suburb called Renton. Deacy shrugged and looked down at his Disneyland sweatshirt. 

"I might..." Deacy replied.

I couldn't help but smile recalling the wide eyed wonder on Deacy's face when we visited Disneyland. We only had a few hours to walk around but he sure made the most of it. He purchased a pair of Mickey Mouse ears for himself and Ronnie and had their names embroidered on them. We rode several of the main rides and enjoyed the fact it was a weekday and the park wasn't overly crowded. We basically followed Deacy around like he was the child and did mostly what he wanted. 

Roger had lightened up somewhat from his dark mood that had taken over the past few weeks. He had been irritable and short with me since we had that tense discussion in the hotel in Tulsa. The warmer weather and cheerful atmosphere of the amusement park had made us all feel a little brighter. We shared a few rides together and he even held my hand when we went into the Haunted Mansion. Watching Deacy run around like a kid in a candy store helped us all forget what ailed us. Our time there was short lived but I couldn't help but savor the memory. Deacy had spoke of bringing his child here when they are older and I couldn't help but picture Roger and I strolling through this wonderland with Tiger Lily in tow.

"I feel like we should have bought more flowers.." Roger commented and it brought me back to my current location and to our journey today. I looked over and saw the large mixed bouquet we had purchased at a flower shop by the hotel. Roger was holding it in his lap in the car. 

"It's nice...it will do..." I replied and we made eye contact. There was a sadness in his eyes that I knew wasn't about our journey today and I felt my heart tighten. I hated that he was hurting and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

"We're here!" Freddie announced and I turned to see us pulling into the cemetery. The driver took a small feeder road towards the inside of the grounds and then stopped.

"I was told he is located two rows down on the left and halfway towards that tree.." the driver instructed and we all opened the car doors. The air was quite brisk and we could see our breath.

"Thanks..." I told him as we got out and I held my door open for Roger. Deacy and Freddie came around the other side of the car and we walked together looking for the grave. I put my arm across Roger's back and checked the grave markers on the ground on my side of the path. 

"He's over here!" Deacy told us and Roger and I walked over to join him as Freddie arrived as well. I looked down and saw the tombstone and felt a deep sadness thinking about how long Jimi had been gone from this world. 

"It's been a long time since we've seen you Jimi.." Freddie spoke to the grave and smiled whimsically. "We miss you.." he said. I looked over the marker and was pleased to see a Fender guitar etched near his name. His birth and death years were displayed. It was painful to be reminded how short his life had been. He had died at 27. Wait! I am 27 right now! Shit! I felt a moment of panic realizing I was the same age he was when he died. But I quickly reminded myself my life was free of drugs. Hadn't that been the hard lesson of my hero? Drugs lead to bag things. I sighed and shifted my thoughts back to happier thoughts. Jimi's talent and sheer presence. The epitome of cool.

Roger bent down and laid the flowers on the grass in front of his marker. He fussed with their placement a bit which I found endearing. He stood back up and I put my arm around him and moved my hand up to brush against his hair. He leaned into me which made me feel comforted.

"You were the best...." I said out loud and felt a little emotional. "No one else has claimed your throne.." I added and Roger nodded at my words. "No one ever will..."

We all stood for awhile in respectful silence and paid quiet homage to our fallen hero. I know we all would have preferred seeing him on a stage rather than laid to rest. We didn't have much time to linger. We had only learned where he was buried a few hours ago and made a spontaneous plan to visit his grave. We had a concert to do. It was a contemplative mood as we returned to the car. We slipped inside and were grateful for the heater. Roger rubbed his cold bare hands together and I covered them with my gloved hands to warm them. The car pulled out and we headed back towards downtown Seattle. I thought more about being 27 and seeing several famous musicians dying at this age. It was a bit unnerving and I tried to shake the thought from my head. I had my brush with near death last year. I was a survivor. I thought about the future. One I would get and one denied Jimi. A consoling idea occurred to me and I smiled to myself. Roger must have noticed my grin.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked me and nudged my side. I kept my grin and looked at him.

"If I ever have a son....I'm naming him Jimi!" I told him. He had a mixed bag of emotions cross his face at my comment. I realized my thought was one that was a reminder of the child he was saddled with. One he had not wanted. I felt bad for bringing the topic up and turned to look out the window.

"That's a lovely thought..." I heard Roger say after a few minutes and felt him slip his arm around my own.

We rode in thoughtful silence and his hold on my arm gave me a tiny glimpse of hope.


	11. Don't Try Suicide

15 April 1975

Hawaii

Roger's POV

"I think I could stay here forever..." I told Brian as I laid on my stomach in the lounge chair by the pool. The sun was beating down on my bare back and it made me feel warm and content. A little sleepy even. I turned my head and looked over at him sitting up with his book in his hands and he was looking at me intently. He set his book on the table and moved to lay down in his chair. I saw him look around and he leaned down close to me.

"This climate suits you. You're beautiful in the sunlight.." Brian told me in a soft whisper and I wanted to kiss him for saying it. He was almost close enough for me to do it. But I didn't. We were at a pool at the hotel and there were people nearby. Not close enough to hear our words but close enough to notice one man kissing another. I let go of my urge and smiled at him as he moved back onto his lounge chair. He picked up his book but stood up from the chair and yawned.

"I'm going for shower and a nap..." he told me as he slipped his t-shirt on and grabbed his towel. He did look sedated from the afternoon sun and I knew he had not been sleeping well for weeks. Neither of us have.

"I'll see you later.." I told him and he nodded and grabbed the heel of my foot and tickled it before he walked off. I knew he was trying to tell me he loved me. It made me smile again. I turned over in the chair onto my back and watched him walk back into the hotel. He had a bit of sun on his skin and his hair was puffy and messy from swimming and drying afterwards. I was grateful to have him in my life; even though I haven't been acting like it lately. We have struggled these past few weeks and I know it was mostly my fault. I have been a complete shit to him and I knew it. When I found out about the baby I was freaked out and in disbelief for a while and Brian had been nothing but supportive and comforting. Once the reality of it hit me my anger crept in and I have battled between a desire to drive my car into a brick wall or drive it over Kim. I have taken my frustration and stress out on Brian. It hasn't been pretty and I'm not proud of it. We haven't told anyone else about this mess so we only have each other to talk to and I haven't been open to talking much. I did at first but when Brian started asking me about things I didn't want to think about I shut him down. It had caused major tension and some distance between us. I haven't invited Brian to stay in my room with me for a few weeks. I'm avoiding the frank discussion I know is long overdue. He has been nice about it. Giving me space. But I know we all have our limits. I miss him and I know he misses me. Well...maybe the less shitty version of me.

I laid in my chair and watched the other people at the pool. There were people from different nationalities and I admired the beauty and uniqueness of each. A middle aged Asian man came out of the hotel carrying a pile of towels and a blow up swim ring in his arms. I saw a chubby little girl run up behind him. She grabbed onto his leg and giggled as they trotted over to a grouping of lounge chairs and he set his stuff down. The girl was a toddler, I guess. Maybe 3 years old. Her black hair was short and cut in a bob. I'm sure it was her father as they looked alike. He moved to climb into the pool and she walked over to the pool side as he went down the ladder. He stood in the shallow end and reached up for her. She leaned into him and fell into his arms. She giggled as he caught her and brought her in to the pool. I noticed the enchanted look on the girl's face and the joy her father had in doing something as simple as taking her swimming. My head swam with mixed emotions witnessing the best version of fatherhood. This made it seem simple and I knew it wasn't. I decided to ignore the example being set for me and looked over to the deeper end of the pool and saw Freddie talking to John Harris as they floated in the water. It was his last day in Hawaii before he had to take our road crew over to Japan so he was making the most of the amenities before he left. Deacy had taken the opportunity of being off for ten days to fly home so he and Ronnie could find a new place to live. He planned to move as soon as we got some from touring. He was returning tomorrow so he could join us on our flight to Japan in a few days. My thoughts were interrupted by a crackling sound on the intercom and a voice came over the speaker.

"The beach is now open exclusively for our hotel guests.." the man announced and I saw several people start gathering their things to change locations for swimming and sunbathing. John Harris was climbing the pool stairs and he walked over to me.

"You want to go to the beach? Freddie isn't interested." I loved the beach but had grown tired of dealing with the jelly fish and giant waves and was enjoying the quiet ease of the swimming pool.

"I'm good...enjoy your last day!" I told him and he grabbed his towel and clothes.

"See you later then..." he replied and walked off towards the beach entrance. I looked around and saw the pool had emptied out and the only people left were Freddie and myself. He swam over in the pool towards me.

"Ready for a dip blondie?" he asked me and I nodded and stood up from my chair. I walked over and motioned for him to move over and jumped in to the cool water. I avoided going under and pushed my hair back as I ran my hand over it to clear my line of vision. It was getting long and I needed a trim. Freddie was looking around the pool area. I saw we were completely alone.

"I guess the pool has become exclusive!" I remarked to him and he looked amused at our situation.

"Yes...gays only!" he quipped and we both laughed and I splashed a big wave at him with my hand.

"Stop that shit!" he ordered and I resumed using my hand to keep afloat with a smug satisfaction that I had got in one good splash. Freddie swam towards the wall and I followed him. I got up near him and held on to the ledge with my back against the wall. 

"It's a shame David or Mary couldn't have joined you here.." I told him as we kicked our legs gently. He flourished his hand at me and smiled.

"It's been fine...they are both busy and I've actually enjoyed some time for myself..." he replied. He seemed sincere so I was happy for him.

"Well you look rested and your voice sounds better...you have to be happy about that.." I told him.

"Yes...I'll be in peak performance mode when we hit Japan...don't you worry..." he answered. His expression shifted and he gave me a concerned look and ran his hand across the water's surface.

"Speaking of performance dear...you've seemed a bit off your game the last few weeks..." he commented and I felt a rush of guilt. My playing has faltered some and I know my vocals sounded weak several times. "Is something troubling you?"

"Sorry Freddie. I know I haven't been at my best....just tired I guess..." I responded hoping to change the topic. He looked at me intently and didn't seem to buy my generic answer.

"As a matter of fact I could add to that and say you and Brian have both seemed a bit off lately.." he replied and anxiety crept into my gut. I did not want to have this conversation with him. I tried to keep looking him straight in the eye so he would believe me.

"We're both just tired Freddie...we'll be back in top form for Japan.." I assured him. He didn't seem convinced and he shook his head at me.

"Let's cut to the chase Rog! I know something is up with you two....what's going on?" he asked me directly. I could see in his eyes he knew something was wrong so there was no getting out of this discussion. I needed to come up with something to tell him besides the truth.

"We've had a few fights..." I answered and tried to think of some detail to give him to satisfy his curiosity without talking about the real problem we have. It was clear he grew impatient with my hesitation. He looked around the pool area and leaned in towards me.

"I have to say Rog...I'm feeling a bit let down as your best friend..." he said as he moved over towards me and put his hand on my arm. He gave me a sympathetic look.

"Why?" I asked him. I was unsure what he meant and felt really nervous for some reason.

"Because something is going on and it's seems pretty serious and you aren't confiding in me..." he replied and looked put out that I wasn't telling him my troubles. I have to say that Freddie is pretty astute. Despite being immersed in his own problems lately he hasn't missed that something is wrong with me. And with me and Brian. He is a good friend and I did feel bad about not talking to him. I had always confided in him before. I still wasn't sure what to do.

"You're right Fred...there is something...I just don't know how to talk about it..." I answered truthfully. He moved closer and put his arm around me. It made me feel good and bad at the same time.

"Just spit it out dear! Sometimes we overthink things until we can't think anymore...just say it!" he advised me. He was right. I was thinking way too much about it and letting it eat me alive. I looked at him and swallowed hard. I just had to say it and get it over with. He looked at me expectantly.

"I had a paternity suit filed against me.." I blurted it out to him. He looked surprised and then confused and then started to laugh.

'Oh that's ridiculous..." he remarked as he kept laughing. He looked at me and his mirth faded as he saw I wasn't laughing. "You're serious..." he asked me as he started to show concern on his face.

"I am serious....it is serious.." I told him and his mouth opened a little with shock. His eyes moved from surprise to disbelief to utter dismay. I almost laughed watching him. It reminded me of the moment I first heard the news.

"You didn't...." Freddie started to say and stopped and then continued with dismay still present. "Did you cheat on Brian?" he accused. "Is that why you've been fighting?"

I figured out quickly that he thought I had cheated recently. A different girl than from that time with Kim. I shook my head and put my hand on his arm to assure him.

"I haven't cheated since Kim...that girl on the UK tour with Mott..." I clarified to him. He looked relieved but still a touch confused.

"So is the claim a fake?" he asked me.

"No! I think it's legitimate.....the claim is from her. From Kim." Freddie seemed to register the facts better and realization dawned on him that the child was already born. Our conversation flew from that moment forward.

"So...she already had the baby Rog?"

"Yes....she was born in August.."

"She?"

"Yes....she.."

"Well..do you know her name?"

"I do.....it's Tiger Lily!"

"Tiger Lily? Ohhhh...how enchanting! So when did you meet her?"

"I haven't met her yet Fred...the letter about the suit came in March..."

"March? Why did she take so long to tell you?"

"That's why I would like to know..."

"How completely unfair of her to do this to you!"

"I won't disagree with you...but to be fair...I did have sex with her...we didn't use protection.."

"Shit Rog! So you really think it could be yours?"

"Unfortunately...I do.."

"What does Brian think of all this? He does know, right?

"Of course he knows....he knew right after I did.."

"So....what does Brian think? Is he upset? Mad at you?"

"Brian is.....well...he's been almost 'too nice' to me about it..."

"What do you mean 'too nice'? You can't be 'too nice' to someone?"

"Considering the way I've behaved of late....yeah...he's been 'too nice' to me.."

"Rog...are you telling me you've been a little bitch?"

"No..I've been a giant one!"

"Well...I can understand why....this is certainly shocking news...so what happens now?"

"Jim is handling things for me....we have a meeting scheduled with the other attorney when we get home..."

"Shit Rog! This is serious isn't it?

"I told you it was...."

"So this is why you've been off....well it does explain it....wait! Are you and Brian okay though? You haven't broken it off or anything have you?"

"No. Though I'm surprised he hasn't told me off....I've been distant and moody...not wanting to talk about it...

"Perfectly understandable dear...."

"Thanks Fred...but I could have handled this better....I haven't slept with Bri in weeks...

"You mean you haven't had sex in weeks?"

"Not just sex Fred...we haven't even slept in the same bed..."

"Now dear...I know you're dealing with something profound here but you must return to the proverbial marriage bed with Brian.....no wonder his playing has been off....and yours as well!"

"It's not off because we haven't fucked Fred....

"No....it's off because you aren't working through this crisis together Roger! I've known you both the longest and in all that time you've always shared a bed, a band and your burdens together. It's one of the things I admire about you as a couple."

"Freddie...that's..." he cut me off.

"Roger! Get out of this pool and march your ass to his room right now! If you value your relationship you need to go fix it!"

Freddie shoved me and I moved to get out of the pool. I looked back at him and he shooed me with his hands.

"I better not see you until tomorrow and you both better be smiling..." he warned me. I nodded and got out of the pool and grabbed my stuff.

"Thanks Freddie! You are a good friend..." I told him and he smiled at me.

"Good luck dear!" he told me as I headed into the hotel. I took the stairs feeling the need to do exactly as Freddie ordered. Quit avoiding things and get back to dealing with the situation in the best way possible. With Brian at my side; whether it's in bed or otherwise. I went to my room and quickly showered and changed into some fresh clothes. I knew the impending conversation was one I didn't want to have but I had put it off for too long. It was time. I grabbed my room key and took off for Brian's own room. I went down the hall and knocked on his door. I knew he was probably asleep but felt this was important and he would want me to wake him. He didn't answer so I knocked a little louder.

"Who is it?" I heard him say in a sleepy voice. My heart bumped a little thinking about laying in his arms again. Being comforted by his touch.

"It's me Bri....sorry to wake you..." I answered and I heard some noise from his room.

"Hang on..." he replied. The door opened moments later and Brian answered it looking half awake. He rubbed his hand over his nose and looked at me with heavy eyes.

"Can I come in?" I asked and he nodded and moved out of the way. I walked inside as he closed his door and he went back over to his bed to sit down.

"Did you need something?" he asked me in his quiet soft voice. I had found his voice irritating and questioning for weeks and now found it soothing and comforting again. I was glad.

"I'm ready to talk Bri...." I told him bluntly. I knew Freddie was right. Just get straight to it and iron things out. Brian looked surprised at my announcement and shifted over on the bed to make room for me.

"Do you want to sit?" he asked me and I walked over and sat down next to him. Brian scooted back against the headboard to make more room for me and I instantly wanted to crawl up into his lap. I hesitated though. It seemed wrong to reject him for weeks and then climb onto him after ten seconds. He had a look of uncertainty and I wondered if he assumed I would move to his lap. I kept a little distance and turned to face him.

"I guess the first thing I need to say is I'm sorry..." I told him and his face registered a glimpse of happiness at hearing these words.

"Apology accepted.." he instantly replied before I could say more and patted his legs with his hands. Gesturing for me to join him.

"Not yet...." I told him and a fraction of a frown appeared on his forehead. I felt bad but needed to stay focused on the issue at hand. I reached over and placed my hand on his leg to reassure him. "I want to talk about this before anything else...okay?"

"I understand..." he replied and seemed comforted by my touch. I took a deep breath and decided to just let it all out.

"When I got that phone call Bri....I just felt like everything I had planned in my life was yanked out from under me. All I ever wanted was to be a rock star! To make music and perform....to have money and go places. I wanted a big house and some nice cars. An income for my mother so she wouldn't be tied to my father. Buy some nice things for Clare. I've wanted all this for a long time. Before I even met you." Brian was listening intently and I knew he was fully aware of my dreams.

"So did anything change when I came along?" he asked me and I couldn't help but smile.

"Yes....of course it changed! Though our being together does have its complications...I found I wanted to share my dreams with you....my life with only you..." I answered. Brian seemed happy with my response. "Things seemed to be falling into place for us...we're making records and hits and touring the world. The money seems to be imminent...I hope! You and I have been together five years and even got married in our own way. Everything was on track Bri! Now...it feels like I made one mistake in my life and now I'm going to pay for it forever....Forever Brian!" I could see he understood my dismay at the recent turn of events. He had been sympathetic when I spent first two weeks after getting the news doing nothing but bad-mouthing Kim to him. I knew I was taking my time getting to the topic I really needed to touch upon. The baby. I seemed to always just refer to her this way. The baby. Even though she has a name...I just want to keep it generic. Maybe it just keeps the emotional disconnection in place. A disconnect I need to function right now.

"I know you feel like your big plans have been thwarted but I don't thinks that really true Rog.." Brian countered to me. "We don't know exactly what Kim wants. I know it's probably about money but maybe it will be manageable and you can still have the other things you want.." I love how optimistic Brian can be at times. His words made sense. Maybe I've blown this out of proportion. I don't know.

"Maybe you're right....maybe the amount of money she wants won't be as much as I'm making it out to be." I scooted back to sit against the wall and laid my legs across Brian's on the bed. He laid his hand on my thigh and it felt reassuring. Soothing. "I kind of wish I knew right now how this will play out. I think not knowing is part of my stress.." I confessed. 

"I'm sure it will be a reasonable request. She can't believe you're really rich. We're successful but certainly not rolling in money. Jim will make sure you are protected Rog. You won't go broke.." I did feel confident that Jim would look after me. I had found him likable and a decent person in all of our dealings so far. It is comforting to know I have him and not a stranger representing me. Brian squeezed my leg and smiled at me.

"I know you told me this is your responsibility, but I meant it when I said we would deal with this together. My money is your money Rog. We'll share the burden. If we do this together it won't be such a blow to our bank account." I knew Brian would do whatever he could to help me. He always has. I felt enormous guilt that I had landed us in this situation though. What would this cost us in the long run? I know that arguing about the money was a moot point. I would accept his help. 

"That means a lot babe. I appreciate it. I won't fight you on this anymore.." I told him. Brian's face lit up with a smile and he reached over and pulled me towards him. I gave in and let him pull me into his lap. It was comforting to be there. He put his arms around me and moved my hair away from my eyes.

"I love you....I'd do anything for you Roggie. Thank you for letting me help...". I nodded to him and smiled at his words. 

"I love you too....and I'm sorry I've been so difficult.." Brian looked sympathetic. 

"You have a right to feel the way you do Rog...it's shutting me out that hurts. You can be upset. It's understandable. Just talk to me. Don't bottle it up. Talk about it..." he was right. I had mentioned this exact thing to Freddie earlier and I knew I hadn't handled this the right way. 

"You're right...I'm sorry I wouldn't talk to you....I'm talking now..." Brian smiled and kissed my forehead. 

"I'm glad...". I wanted Brian to know I was serious about talking about things openly now.

"I told Freddie..." Brian's eyebrows raised and he had a mix of surprise and curiosity. 

"Good. It helps to have our friends know. They can support you through this.." I was surprised how easy going Brian was about this. I thought he would be mad about my behavior over the past weeks. It did feel good to talk about everything swirling in my head. I knew Brian was going to take this moment to ask me the questions I've been avoiding. At this point, I needed to start thinking about them. The meeting time was growing closer everyday. Ignoring it wasn't going to make it go away.

"I know you want to talk about the baby.." I said to him. I wanted him to know we could have this conversation and get it over with. His face brightened when I said 'baby.' He pressed his arms into my back as smiled at me.

"Can I ask you something?" he said to me with a softened tone.

"Sure.." 

"Do you ever think about her? About Tiger Lily?" I wasn't sure what he wanted to hear. I had thought about her but it was usually so emotionally charged I would block it out.

"I have....I tend to shut it down when I do though because I'm still upset about it...about her existing.." I needed to be honest and it seemed Brian was staying open to my feelings as he didn't frown at me or chide me for my thoughts.

"I can see why thinking about her might be upsetting right now....but I hope sometime soon it's with different feelings.." he replied. "I know you've been focused on the negative side of this situation but don't forget that she is real and you are her father Rog....she's part of you no matter what happens at that meeting.." This is the part I find distressing. She is real!

"I didn't ask to be a father Bri....I didn't have a choice in this...I'm not saying I hate her or anything I just don't want this for my life right now....I'm 25! I'm too young to be a father...at least a good one..." Brian looked concerned at my words and ran his hand through my hair.

"I know you didn't ask for this....I know you've told me before you weren't sure you wanted kids, but please remember she didn't ask to be born. This isn't her fault..."

"It's not my fault either!" I reminded Brian; feeling a little irritated at what felt like mild judgement from him. He shook his head at me.

"I'm not saying it is your fault....and really it's moot at this point. She's here and there's no changing that. You need to decide what kind of relationship you're going to have with her..."

"I think a lot of that is up to what Kim decides...don't you think?"

"If she is asking for money then you have a right to see her....be a part of her life. What life you have with her is up to you!" 

"Oh...so I can tell her she came from a one night stand involving too much booze and a lot of poor choices? That I can't stand the sight of her mother?"

"It doesn't matter how she got here Rog...it matters what her life is like now and tomorrow! You'll have to learn to like Kim in some fashion...for Tiger Lily's sake!"

"How do you feel about all this? You keep asking me. How do you feel?"

"I'm upset this happened to you. I know this isn't what you want in your life right now. Your priorities are different. I don't like the fact that Kim let herself get pregnant and then didn't bother to inform you until after the baby was born. I think that is very unfair to you. You've missed the first six months of her life...you'll never get that back!" he seemed to have thought about his feelings a lot as he was quick with his response. He hesitated for a moment and looked me in the eye with a semblance of wariness. I wondered why as he began to speak again.

"I have to admit Rog that I haven't dwelled on the down side of this entirely. I have thought about what Tiger Lilly is like. What traits of yours she might have. I worry if she is healthy and being taken care of properly. If she's happy.." All these things Brian said. They hit me in the gut. I hadn't once thought about any of these things. I suddenly felt like a piece of shit for it. This is proof right here that I would be a lousy father. I sighed and I knew my face showed something of my own disappointment in myself.

"Shit Bri!" I said wearily. "I hadn't even thought about any of that.." I confessed and he looked a little let down at my words. He quickly recovered a smile and fanned my hair.

"Well...you can think about it now..." he pointed out. "Remember that you can't change what happened babe....don't punish her for a mistake she didn't make...just try to make the best of it.." I realized sitting here with Brian that I had wasted weeks with anger and avoidance. Everything he said made sense. He wasn't trying to convince me it would be easy. He just wanted me to find something positive to focus on. Sometimes I find his overactive brain annoying. Right now isn't one of those moments. I leaned into him and put my arms around him.

"You right...I need to think about something besides hating the situation I'm in....I'll think about the things you mentioned...be better prepared for what happens.." I assured him. He brought me in for a hug and it felt good to have really talked about everything and not had an ugly word between us. I heard Brian yawn and remembered I had interrupted his nap. I pulled away from him and noticed how tired he looked. I ran my hand over his cheek and smiled at him.

"I feel better about things....thanks.." I told him and moved to get out of his lap.

"Where are you going?" he asked me; looking unhappy with my departure. I stood up and unzipped my shorts and started pulling them off. 

"Just getting comfy for a nap with you.." I told him. Brian smiled at me and climbed off the bed to pull the covers back and climbed under them. He held his arm out to me and I moved in to lay in front of him as he got on his side. I nestled myself into his arms and he held me close as we both quickly drifted off for some much needed sleep.


	12. Let Us Cling Together - Part 2

17th April 1975

En route to Tokyo Japan

Brian's POV

Our time in Hawaii went by fast. I did get some rest finally. Partly due to the break in touring but also because Roger and I were on better terms. After our talk, we resumed sharing a bed several nights and both of us got some recuperative sleep for once. The situation waiting for us in London is looming but Japan beckons and I hope it is a nice distraction for now. We boarded the Japan Airline flight and took off on time. It's a long flight so I brought a few things to read and I am hoping for an in-flight movie to kill some time but wondered if it would be in Japanese. Roger picked up a new book as well when we browsed in a book shop at the Honolulu airport. We took off and got settled in our row of seats that included us and a new assistant hired for our group. Mike Murphy is mostly busy with helping Freddie. They sat together and talked about some plans Freddie wanted to make for shopping in Tokyo. While we waited to get something to drink I pulled out a book I bought with Roger's permission. It was Dr. Spock's Baby Book. He had rolled his eyes when I showed it to him but had agreed to let me buy it. I promised I would report to him everything I learned about children at eight months of age. That is how old Tiger Lily is right now. I told Roger if anyone asked why I was reading it I would use Deacy's impending fatherhood as an excuse.

Speaking of Deacy. Roger told him about the paternity suit and Tiger Lily when he arrived in Hawaii. He was indignant on Roger's behalf but had expressed a hint of bitterness that Roger managed to beat him to the finish line on fatherhood. Roger had emphasized it was a race he never wanted to run which assuaged Deacy's feelings. To get his last jab in at Roger though, Deacy advised him he was taking the window seat on the plane. Roger acquiesced.

I opened the baby book and decided to start from the beginning. It was quite interesting reading and I got lost in it and didn't even notice the in flight movie had started.

"Your nails are very nice.." I heard a female speak. I looked up and saw the stewardess smiling at me. I had just painted my left hand with white varnish that morning since we were resuming the tour. I guess she saw it as I held my book up while reading. 

"Thank you.." I replied. The young woman was Japanese and had a lovely face.

"Would you something to drink?" she asked me in perfect English. I was impressed and smiled at her.

"Do you have any juice?" I asked her and she brought a plastic card over to show me my options. All the choices were displayed in several languages. I saw they had grapefruit juice. I pointed to the picture. "I'll take that one please.." I told her. I turned and tapped Roger's arm. "Do you want a drink?" I asked him. He was watching the film and nodded at me without ignoring the movie.

"Yeah...get me a coke..." he told me and I went to tap Deacy but noticed he was asleep. He was slumped against Roger's shoulder and had covered himself with a blanket.

"Just a coke please..." I added to my order and she went to her cart to retrieve them. She came back and handed them to me. I set both down on my table.

"We're excited for your visit.." the stewardess told me as he handed me some cups with ice. "Queen is quite popular.." she remarked to me. We had heard our sales were quite strong in Japan and the tickets for our shows had sold out. Hearing his from an individual from the country really strengthened my belief this trip was going to be worthwhile.

"I'm glad to hear it...thank you!" I told her. She looked up and down the aisle and turned to her cart and then handed me a magazine called 'Music Life.' I had never heard of it. We were on the cover and it was apparently an English/Japanese music magazine.

"Could you sign it please?" she asked me timidly. She was sweet and I nodded and reached in my bag for a pen. She opened the magazine and I was shocked to find every page was about us. She turned to a photo of me and pointed.

"Sign here?" I asked and she nodded.

"Please.." she was very polite. I signed my name and put the date and nudged Roger. He saw the magazine and she bent over my seat to flip the page to find a photo she liked of him. She found one and he smiled at her and signed.

"We can get John's autograph for you later..." I told her. She was gracious about it and left us with our drinks. Roger opened his can of soda and poured it over his ice. He sipped it while watching the movie. I resumed reading and felt him watching me at times.

"Anything good yet?" he asked me quietly. I smiled and was amused he was interested.

"I'm reading about diapers..." I answered and he raised his eyebrows in alarm and went back to his movie.

\---------------------------

We reached Japan and came in to land at the Tokyo airport. It was odd to know we lost a day due to traveling so far east. The airport was massive and it took a while to reach the gate. We gathered our things and felt some excitement at stepping foot in another country we haven't visited yet. I grabbed my Red Special from the onboard storage and we walked off and were led by a Japanese official to the customs area. They moved us through quickly and we were shepherded out to the arrivals terminal. The airport was really crowded and noisy. We came down a long hallway into the terminal and were astounded to see kids lining a cordoned off path through the area. There were hundreds off them and they were all holding up signs and pictures of us. Several had bouquets of flowers. A large banner was spread across a barrier saying 'Welcome Queen.' I felt butterflies witnessing this display of affection for us.

When they saw Deacy coming through first they erupted in screams. I was shocked at the reception and we all shared disbelieving looks at the welcome we were getting from the fans. Several men dressed in uniforms moved in close to us and we suddenly were surrounded by policemen and suited officials. I saw some of our crew members waiting for us and John Harris came over and collected Red from me.

"Can you believe this?" I asked him as we walked towards the exit. He shook his head and smiled. I noticed a girl holding a photograph of me and she got really excited as she saw me moving closer. It was unbelievable!

"You guys are really big here...you're bona fide rock stars!" he told us all as we waived and delighted in the reception. We would have stopped to greet the fans but the policemen pushed us along and a translator stated there were too many people and it wasn't safe to stop. It was a little un-nerving to think there were 'too many' fans but we obeyed them and followed them out to waiting cars. Only three could fit in a car and I ended up with Freddie and Rog. We slipped in the back and watched Deacy get in the car behind us with John Harris and a new roadie that was now helping Freddie and Deacy with their equipment. His name was Peter Hince. He had been a roadie for Mott The Hoople before they broke up.

The cars pulled out and we were given a glimpse of Tokyo from the highway as we sped into the city for our hotel. It was unusual to see so many buildings and signage that didn't have any English words or characters on them. The Japanese characters seemed so foreign but intriguing to me. I could sometimes manage words in languages of a Latin or Germanic in nature. This was a whole new challenge.

"We're the fucking Beatles!" Roger proclaimed as we approached the hotel and found a large crowd of fans being held back from the entrance. There were more policeman patrolling to control the mass of kids and my heart raced at the realization that this was similar to what the Beatles had talked about in their interviews. As we pulled up to the door and went to leave the cars, the fans started screaming and we were quickly hustled into the lobby. Roger and I shared a look of incredulity but couldn't wipe the huge smiles from our faces. Peter came up to us and looked smug.

"I hope you enjoyed your welcoming committee..." he remarked as he escorted us to the lift. The Tokyo Prince hotel was quite modern and had a western feel to it. We exited on the 6th floor and Peter brought us to a large double doored suite. We went inside to find a huge living area with a few different seating arrangements and a built in bar. 

"There are four bedroom so take your pick. Get settled and we'll chat.." he advised us. Roger and I headed towards two room doors on one end of the suite and I found it was a nice size room with a large comfortable bed. There was no connecting door but at least Peter wasn't housed in the suite. I got my luggage sorted and freshened up in the bathroom I shared with Roger's room. I lingered in their and eventually Roger came in through his door. We stood at the vanity together and smiled at each other.

"This is it Bri! We're famous!" he told me as he picked up a washcloth to clean his face. I leaned over and kissed him and he pulled me in for a quick snog. We didn't get carried away and I headed back out to the main room by myself. A hotel waiter was manning the bar and had made us some drinks. I took one and sat down on a plush sofa waiting for the others. We all soon gathered and Peter took a seat. He handed us each an itinerary.

"Your first show is at the Budokan on the 19th and you'll see the travel schedule for the other cities. You'll finish up back at the Budokan again on May 1st." I realized we would be seeing a lot of the country and got excited at the prospect. "I need to tell you now that any plans you have to visit the city will need to be cleared with the police. They advised us you will need security to go anywhere outside this hotel suite.." We were surprised to hear this and Freddie looked concerned about his shopping plans. We were also reminded we needed an interpreter as most people did not speak English. This was fine at the moment because I was only interested in getting some rest for now. I did want to venture out with my stereo camera tomorrow. I guess I need to make arrangements.

\------------------------

Our first night at the Budokan is something I will never forget. The venue was an amazing structure and it was humbling to play in a place like this. We did our sound check and spent some time backstage. A meal was prepared for us and we enjoyed Japanese cuisine which we all found we liked very much. There was always a vegetarian option and I enjoyed having real choices for meals. Roger and Deacy loaded up on noodles and we enjoyed visiting with the people before the show. The biggest surprise of the night was the enormous amount of gifts waiting for us when we arrived. There were toys, cards, food, crafts and clothes. It was like Christmas!

When we headed for the stage as 'Procession' played we could hear the crowd noise. We got in place on stage to begin 'Now I'm Here' and the energy in the room was palpable. I had adrenaline pouring through me as I hit the first chords and when the spotlight first revealed Freddie onstage the crowd went berserk and the noise they made sounded like jet engines. Freddie and I immediately fed off the fervor of the crowd and engaged more than usual with each other as the song went on. We bumped shoulders as we moved around the stage and leaned into each other; savoring the moment. I was in playing heaven! Deacy seemed a bit overwhelmed by the audience attention but Roger was in his element. He wore a beautiful black shirt emblazoned with a dark pink floral design and his hair had been blown out with a dryer so it was full and shiny. He looked radiant and his ardent admirers in the audience were pleased. The show was a huge success and we all celebrated late into the night in our suite with several roadies attending.   
——  
The next day we ventured out and were asked to do a press conference. After some sight seeing we arrived at the tower where we were to meet the press. We were asked to make a statement and the guys elected me to speak. I was quite nervous as this was the first time I had ever done something like this. I was trying to think of what to say as we waited for a lift to take us to the press room. We were distracted by a group of school children clogging the transport and they recognized us which caused further delay. We walked in late to the conference and to a room full of press and photographers who immediately began taking pictures with flashes. It was a little jarring but we got situated and I stood to speak. I glanced at Roger for some confidence and he smiled at me. It helped and I stared at the rows of press people and gulped.

"I've been nominated by the band to say something....I haven't really had a chance to think of what to say. We're completely overwhelmed by what's happened since we came here. This has never happened to us in any other country in this kind of style. We were amazed to see the people at the airport. We just felt very honored and a little confused because we couldn't go out and see them and talk to them. So we're all just very excited to be here and we appreciate everyone coming. We're sorry we were late...we got trapped halfway up the tower by some school children. So...thank you for the presents and all the things that everyone sent us at the concert. We hope we'll give you value for all your expectations. We're really looking forward to it.."

——-  
The rest of the trip was almost a blur. It almost felt surreal to be treated like celebrities. Very tall celebrities I might add. I felt like a giant the entire visit. Roger had told me he now knew what it was like to be my height as he towered over many of the men we encountered during our stay. The most memorable thing besides the shows was a tea ceremony given in our honor. It was quite lovely and we were filmed as part of a special being made for Japanese television. We were all in great spirits and enjoyed making thank you messages for the film. We goofed around for the camera and relished having a touch of the life The Beatles once had in their day. The days flew by in a flurry of shows, meeting people, sight seeing and travel. 

We returned to Tokyo following our whirlwind around the country and I could see Roger's mood shift from elation at his newfound rock star status to one of distraction and worry. We had not shared a bed during our stay. There were too many people around at all times and Peter was ever present because of the extra work on this tour.

We finished our last show and I noticed Roger was unusually quiet as we got cleaned up backstage. I didn't say anything to him as we returned to the hotel for our last night in Japan. He was a bit more talkative with people at the hotel who came to say goodbye to us. We all enjoyed a farewell reception and then headed back to our rooms. We all rode together in the lift and entered the suite. Roger headed straight for his room without a word to anyone. 

"So I guess it's time for him to face the music, huh?" Deacy asked me as we sat on the couches and nursed a final Japanese beer. I nodded and sighed.

"Yeah..the paternity suit meeting will be within a week of our return..." I told him. He was subdued like me. Freddie walked in to the suite and saw us sitting and came and joined us. 

"Where's Rog?" he asked. 

"He went straight to his room...I think it's starting to sink in.." I explained and Freddie registered quickly what I was referring to. He grabbed a beer for himself and nestled into the couch by Deacy. 

"It's our last night here...are you going to share it with him or stay out here with us?" Freddie asked me. We had not risked staying together since our arrival in Japan and I wasn't sure what to do. Freddie gestured at me with his hand. "Oh go on...no one's coming to the suite tonight...it's just us.." he argued. I smiled at his encouragement and stood up from the couch.

"I'll at least go check on him.." I replied and Freddie smiled at me then shooed me with his hands.

"Off you go then....Deacy and I will see to the last of these beers.." he told me as I turned and walked to my room door. I went inside and pulled off my shoes and jacket. I opened the bathroom door and walked over to his adjoining door and knocked.

"Come on in Bri...." he answered and I opened the door and stepped in. Roger had already undressed and was under the covers and was reading something. His writing journal was next to his lap and opened to a page with writing on it. He watched at me as I walked over and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?" I asked him and he slid his book and blankets towards the edge of the bed and moved over towards me. He pushed me down on the bed and straddled my legs. I wasn't unhappy at his actions.

"You know why I'm stressed so we don't need to talk about it..." he replied. I nodded understanding as he pulled at my shirt and I moved a bit so he could take it off of me. He remained straddling me and looked down at my face. "I wouldn't mind working out some of that stress in a way that's healthier than a pack of cigarettes.." he told me with a smirk. I laughed at him and pulled him down to me for a kiss. We shared some kisses and added our tongues. Roger slid off of me and quickly got naked as I moved to get undressed and he grabbed his journal and a pen. He started writing something in it and then closed it and tossed it aside.

"What did you write?" I asked him as I tugged my briefs down my legs. Roger grinned at me as he hovered over me on the bed. 

"I'm keeping a list of all the countries I've had sex in and was just adding Japan to my growing list.." he told me as he pressed himself against me and slid his tongue back in my mouth. We made love in Japan so his list was accurate and then enjoyed lying together in the comfortable bed. It was nice to have him in my arms on our last night.

\-----------------------

2nd May 1975

The mood was definitely different the next morning. I had returned to my room early in the day and woke up thinking this was it. It's time to go and despite the long plane ride, the time for Roger's meeting was upon us. I pulled myself out of bed and quickly got a shower and shave. I put on my travel clothes and headed out to the main room.

I saw no one else was up and called for some breakfast. I went ahead and ordered for everyone else since I knew they had to be up shortly to prepare to leave. I walked over and knocked on Roger's door and was surprised to find no answer. I opened the door and looked inside. He was packed and ready to leave but wasn't in his room. I worried for a minute about where he could be. I heard a door open and turned around to see Deacy coming out dressed for the day.

"Morning Deaks...have you seen Rog?" I asked him. He shook his head and went to knock on Freddie's door. He checked to make sure Freddie was up and getting ready. I thought about calling Peter to see if he knew where Roger was. I thought I would check with security first. I stepped into the hall and saw a couple of guards stationed down the hall. One of them walked over and he did speak some English.

"Have you seen Roger?" I asked him. He looked a bit confused. 

"Blonde hair?" I asked him and he then knew who I was asking about.

"Shopping.." he replied. I was confused but at least they knew where he went. I went back in and our food arrived. Freddie came out and we sat to eat our last meal in Japan. I finished my eggs and toast and checked my watch. I was getting anxious since Roger had not returned.

Peter arrived and came in with some security people. We were leaving soon. He had been advised about Roger and was irritated at his absence. I hurriedly went to my room and made sure I was packed up and carried out my things for the porter. I got Roger's bags for him as well. When I came out of Roger's room he was walking into the suite. I was relieved to see him. He walked over to me with some shopping bags in his hand and tucked one into suitcase. He put the other in his carry on.

"Why did you go shopping?" I asked him. 

"I forgot to get something for my Mum..." he told me and I found it odd that he waited until now to get something. I know he has been distracted so I let it go. Our cars arrived and we headed downstairs with security in tow. There were some fans in the lobby but it wasn't as bad as when we arrived. We managed to stop and sign a few autographs and pose for some photos. It was time to go so we got into the cars and headed off for Haneda airport.

We were soon on our Japan airline flight heading home. Roger was quiet the entire time we traveled. We couldn't really talk about the paternity suit since Peter and some others were with us. Roger and I did sit next to each other on the flight. It was back to reading and watching the films to pass then time when we didn't sleep. Roger seemed okay but I worried. He was definitely not himself. 

We finally arrived in London and parted company with everyone. Freddie and Deacy had taken the time for extra hugs and some words of encouragement for Roger before we left. It made him feel good to have their support. We promised to keep them posted. A car was arranged for us and we rode home to our flat.

After we unloaded our main luggage from the car we went into the flat. Our other luggage was coming by courier tomorrow. It was early evening but we quickly got around to go to bed. The travel was tiring and the huge time change had us feeling out of sorts.

I brushed my teeth and put on some pajama bottoms and went into the bedroom. Roger was sitting on the bed and had the radio turned on. A song by Badfinger was playing. It finished as I sat down on my side of the bed. The deejay came on.

'That was Baby Blue by Badfinger and the late Pete Ham...'

Roger and were both shocked to hear this news and wondered what happened to him. We both liked Badfinger and they had been a recording artist on the The Beatles Apple label.

"I'm going to find out what happened.." he told me and he pulled his address book from his bag and then dialed a number.

"Hi Rosemary..it's Roger Taylor...do you a minute?" Roger called our favorite music reporter at Disc. He was right. She would know any news about what happened.

"We've just arrived home from Japan and heard something happened to Pete Ham of Badfinger..." he asked her. Roger sat and listened to her.

"Okay..thanks for the information...yes, we'll be in touch for an interview..." he told her. 

"Thanks.....goodbye..." Roger hung up and looked at me with dismay in his face. It made me uneasy and I wondered if Pete had been murdered.

"What happened?" I asked.

"He killed himself last week Bri!" he replied and I could see Roger was shaken by it. I found it incredibly sad and wondered what happened to him. 

"Do they know why?" I asked. 

"Rosemary said they believe he was despondent over money and management issues. He had a baby on the way and was broke.." he explained. I immediately knew why Roger was so upset. It hit too close to home for him. I shifted over on the bed and pulled him into a hug.

"Rog...it's terrible what happened to him....but that doesn't mean you're in the same boat.." I tried to assure him. Roger held me tight and we sat quiet for a while lost in our thoughts. He finally pulled away from me and nodded.

"I know it's not the same.....we're getting new management and Jim will make sure things go okay for me....I know that.." he told me. He looked confident in his words so I believed him. He put on a small smile and leaned away from me to get his carry on bag. He pulled out the sack from his shopping earlier that day and pulled out a small blue silk bag.

"I bought you something.." he told me and I watched as he opened the bag and pulled out a necklace with a coin on it. It was really nice and I liked it immediately. He undid the chain and I bent over so he could put it around my neck. I noticed it had writing on the underside of the coin in Japanese characters. 

"What does it say?" I asked him as he clasped the chain and pulled my hair around my neck.

"I had it made for you...it says 'Bijou...' he told me. I was surprised at the word he chose.

"Bijou?" I asked him; confused. He smiled at me and laughed lightly.

"I know you're thinking of the name of the shop Freddie and I had but I'm using the word in the context of it meaning something precious....a rare jewel....I've always liked this word.." he answered. I understood now and almost blushed. 

"Are you telling me I'm your bijou Rog?" I asked him shyly. I was touched by his gesture and put the coin in my fingers and felt the engraved edges of the characters. Roger gave me his perfect smile and pulled out another silk bag from his sack. 

"Yes...you're my bijou.....and I'm yours..." he replied and opened the bag to reveal a matching necklace to mine. My eyes lit up to see it and I took it from him and he held his hair back as I placed it around his neck and clasped it for him. We both sat and looked at each other's jewelry with happy smiles.

"It's beautiful Rog....thanks.." I told him and leaned over and kissed him. He took hold of my necklace and smiled at me.

"I figured since we can't wear wedding rings this was the next best thing..." Roger told me softly as he looked over my coin. My heart burst at his words.

"It's even better...." I told him as he let go of my coin and I hugged him to me. "It's closer to my heart..."


	13. Baby, You've Been Had - Part 1

London May 1975

Roger's POV

"I was thinking we could go look at new cars after the meeting.." Brian suggested to me as he took the grill cheese sandwich out of the skillet and set it on my plate. I knew he was trying to give me something to look forward to after my meeting in a few days and I liked the idea.

"I'd like that.." I told him. He looked happy at my response and turned back to the stove to make himself a sandwich. I took a bite of my dinner and savored the soft melted cheese with the toasted bread. The edges were a little burned but it was a much better result than I would have got making the sandwich myself. I took another bite and watched Brian as he stood over the stove cooking. He turned off the heat and placed his own sandwich on a plate and joined me at the table. 

"I guess we need to do laundry.." I told him as we ate our meal. "We probably have six loads.." I commented as I thought about the piles of laundry sitting in our living room. We had unpacked our luggage this morning and made several stacks of sorted clothes needing washing. Brian glanced at the piles and nodded.

"We can go to the launderette on Holland Road. It shouldn't be too busy this time of day.." he remarked. I finished my sandwich and went to find some bags and baskets for the clothes. I wasn't sure they would all fit in my car. The telephone rang so I dropped the basket and walked to the phone by the couch.

"Hello..."

"Roger...Hi! It's Jim!... I'm glad I caught you....something has happened and I need to see you both in my office first thing tomorrow morning.." he told me and he sounded distressed. I wondered what this was about. My stomach churned.

"Well what happened?" I asked him with concern. There was a pause on the phone. It un-nerved me.

"Roger...I don't know how to tell you this...." Jim started and I felt my legs get weak at those words and sat down on the couch. "Shit Roger...uhh. Kim died! She passed away..." Jim announced in a regretful manner. I felt a wave of emotions roll over me as I reached my arm out towards Brian and gasped at the news. I couldn't speak. I just looked at him with complete horror in my eyes.

"Roger?" I heard Brian say my name with grave concern and quickly felt him at my side on the couch. I was shaking my head in disbelief and almost dropped the phone. Brian grabbed the receiver and pulled me close to him for support. He took over the call.

"Jim...it's Brian....what's going on?" he asked him with panic in his voice. It was the same panic rising in my body as I replayed the words Jim had spoke to me. I let myself fall against Brian as I felt a little faint.

"Oh my god!" Brian almost shouted and pressed me close to him. Tears formed in the corner of my eyes and my head was swimming. I really thought I might pass out but kept hold of myself. 

"We'll.....we'll be there first thing....yes....okay then..." Brian hung up the phone and held me in a tight hug. The tears that had threatened slipped down my cheeks and I could feel myself shaking against him. Brian ran his hand across my back and then moved it up on my head.

"Rog...it's going to be okay..." he told me though he didn't sound very sure himself. I couldn't move or speak. I was trying to figure out what I was feeling. Part of me was angry at her for doing this....all of this. I also felt really sad that she was gone. I kind of hated her but she had a child and now she was gone. That child didn't have her mother any more. Wait! That's my child! My child doesn't have a mother any more! I felt a new wave of panic rip through me and I pulled back from Brian's arms and looked at him. I know I must have looked undone as his eyes grew large as I stared at him. 

"Fuck! She's dead! The baby! Her mother's dead!" I cried out and Brian started crying as he looked at me. I flung my arms around his neck and he pulled me back in and held me as I sobbed against his shoulder. I was overcome with a sense of grief for a loss that wasn't really even mine but for some reason it hurt.

"I'm so sorry Rog...." he whispered to me and rocked me gently in his arms. He cooed at me and tried to comfort me. "We'll figure this out okay....we'll see Jim in the morning..." he assured me. I don't know how long he held me. I ended up drained from my emotions. He finally pulled me off of him and wiped my hair from my face. He kissed my forehead and gave me a sad smile. 

"Let's just go to bed and get to tomorrow....we can find out everything...let's go babe.." Brian suggested to me in his softest voice. I barely nodded and he got up from the couch and helped me up. We climbed the stairs with him walking behind me and his hand on my back to support me. I crawled onto the bed as he pulled the covers back and collapsed against the pillows. I don't remember falling asleep. I just remember the anguish in my heart. 

The next morning 

"Do you want me to drive?" Brian asked as I put my shoes on. I shook my head.

"I'll drive...it will keep me focused..." I told him in a tired voice. I reached for another cigarette and found my pack was empty. "Shit!" I cursed and crunched the cigarette packet in my hand and threw it. Brian walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet where I kept a carton and brought me a fresh pack. "Thanks babe.." I told him and tore the package open. My hands weren't as shaky as they were last night. I lit up and sat back to try and absorb everything as Brian finished getting ready. 

"Did Jim get the chance to tell you on the phone last night how she died?" Brian asked me as he pulled on his jacket. He hadn't and I wasn't sure if Brian knew or not.

"No...he didn't.." I replied. Brian sighed heavily and looked at me with thin lips and a furrowed brow.

"I'm going to tell you now so you can have a moment to deal with it.." he told me and I felt myself hold my breath in. 

"She died from a drug overdose.." he announced. A part of me wasn't surprised at the news. She was a user when I knew her. She had stolen money from me. Probably to use to get drugs. I immediately thought about her using while she was pregnant and my stomach knotted.

"You don't think she used while she was pregnant?" I asked Brian with a whole new level of concern about the situation. Brian appeared troubled and walked over to sit down by me.

"I don't know Rog...it's possible...we'll just have to find out..." he replied and patted my leg and stood up to grab his shoes. I sighed and tried to process yet another factor to consider in this crisis and inhaled deeply on my cigarette. What if there's something wrong with the baby?

I did drive us to Jim's office and we quickly headed inside. His receptionist saw me and had a sad look on her face. Apparently she knew. 

"Jim is waiting for you in a meeting room with the other party...through here.." she told us as she stood up and guided us down the hall. "I'm sorry to hear about your loss.." she told me. It felt odd to hear her say it to me. I didn't really lose Kim. I know the baby did so I accepted it on her behalf. 

"Thank you.." I mumbled as she opened the door to the room. Brian had his arm on my back as we walked into the large meeting room and saw Jim with another man who looked like an attorney. He stood up from the table as I walked up and Jim stood as well.

"Roger Taylor..this is Anthony Niles...he is the attorney who wrote you and he represents Kim...well...he represents her estate.." he told me as I looked over the man and shook his hand.

"Mr. Taylor..." he responded and then he looked at Brian behind me. I suddenly realized he might want to know why Brian was with me. Why would I bring someone other than my attorney to the meeting? With everything that happened, we didn't think about it. I felt a bit of anxiety of top of everything else. Shit!

"Mr. Niles...this is Brian May....he is Roger's closest friend..." Jim saved us by introducing Brian. Mr. Niles shook Brian's hand. "Brian is here as a support since Roger's family wasn't available on such short notice." I loved Jim so much for explaining away Brian's presence. Under the circumstances I really did need my closest friend and emotional support right now. I tried to show my appreciation in the look I gave him as we all got seated. Jim put some paperwork in front of me.

"First we need to verify paternity.." he explained. "Roger...I need to let you know that Mr. Niles has explained to me that in light of Kim's death...the request regarding paternity and financial support has changed.." Jim explained and I felt more anxiety hearing this as I looked down to see a certificate. I looked closer and realized it was a birth certificate. It was for Tiger Lily Meddows Taylor. Kim had given her my name! I was surprised to see this and noted that I was listed as the father on the birth certificate as well. 

"As you can see Mr. Taylor...Ms. Kerrigan did record you as the father at the birth of her daughter. I first need to ask you if you are willing to recognize the child as yours.." Mr. Niles asked me directly. I wasn't sure what to say and looked at Jim for guidance. He looked at Mr. Niles and responded for me.

"Let him see the photograph.." Jim asked Mr. Niles and my heartbeat sped up as a picture was pushed across the table for me to look at. I took one look and knew. Yeah.. she was mine! There was no denying it. I heard a light gasp from Brian sitting beside me and I knew he saw the photo. She looked just like I did in many of my own baby photos. Same white blonde hair and big blue eyes. Same chin and mouth even. Shit! She even kind of looks like I do now. I looked at Jim.

"She's mine..." I told him confidently. I had been advised by a few people to demand a blood test as proof if she didn't look like me. Well...it wasn't needed. Both Jim and Mr. Niles seemed satisfied with my answer.

"Roger...in light of this...I need to inform that Kim's only immediate relative is her mother, Ellie Kerrigan, and she is here today regarding the suit.." Jim explained. It made sense her relative would be here. Mr. Niles stood up and walked towards a door at the side of the room. Jim got my attention. "I need to let you know she has the baby with her.." he warned me and my heart rate shot through the roof as the attorney opened the door and I heard the sounds of a baby as an older woman who resembled Kim walked in the room holding the girl from the photo. My baby! My daughter! Shit! I felt Brian's hand on my thigh for support as the woman walked towards me with a small smile on her face. She looked tired and sad and I realized she was in mourning. Her daughter was dead. I stood up from the table and walked towards her. I heard Brian stand up and the woman came over to stand in front of me. 

There she was! She was real! It was my daughter! I have to admit I felt a little emotional. I didn't expect to see her today. I was surprised Kim's mother had wanted to meet in light of her daughter's recent death. But I guess she needs the money. I had an impulse to touch her and looked at her bright blue button eyes and her shaggy golden hair and she peered up at me with a look of curiosity. 

"Hello Roger.." Kim's mom greeted me and she sounded shaky. I felt bad for her as she stood with Tiger Lily on her hip and she seemed overwhelmed. "I'm Kim's mother...Ellie.." she introduced herself and then leaned the baby my way a bit. "And this is Tiger Lilly...your daughter.." she announced. The words hit me like a brick and I had to brace myself as the emotions ran through me. She was looking right at me. My baby! I felt a shiver run down my back. "I can see who see looks like now.." Ellie commented as she watched me look at Tiger Lilly. "You're even better looking than the picture Kim showed me.." she commented. I nodded to her so she knew I heard her. She suddenly moved the baby closer to me.

"Here...you can hold her.." she said to me. I impulsively reached my hands out even though I was frightened a little. For some reason I turned to look at Brian. He was looking right at the baby and seemed spellbound. He noticed me looking at him and smiled and nodded to me for encouragement. I reached out and Ellie put her in my arms. She was heavier than I imagined and started to wiggle in my arms a bit. I got a good hold on her and she moved towards me and put her hands on my face. She looked right at me and squealed. I have to admit my heart did a little flip flop when she smiled at me. It reminded me of Clare as a little girl and I smiled back at her. 

"She likes you already..." Ellie commented as she watched us. I suddenly felt really strange standing in the room holding a baby with everyone watching me. I felt self conscious and unqualified to handle her. I moved to give her back to Ellie and she hesitated for a moment and then took her from me. The baby wiggled a lot as I handed her off and Ellie struggled for a moment with her. I saw Ellie look over at Brian. 

"Did you want to hold her?" she asked Brian. "You're his friend, right?" she asked him. Brian nodded timidly to her but walked over and held his arms out. He didn't hesitate to take her and smiled as she went into his arms. He handled her easily with his large hands and arms to manage her. It was interesting to watch him with her. He immediately ran his hand over her head to feel her hair and smiled deeply as she squealed and jiggled around. He actually bounced her a little and she cooed at him. I couldn't believe how easily he took to her. 

"Mr. Niles...can we move this along?" Ellie suddenly asked the attorney. I wondered what was next and watched her walk over to sit next to the attorney as he took a seat. I wondered what we were supposed to do with the baby but Brian just stood and held her. 

"I'll hold her..." he told me. He gestured for me to sit and I decided to let him hold her while we talked. I looked at Jim for guidance and he was pulling out some papers from a folder. 

"Roger...the change Mr. Niles and Mrs. Kerrigan want to discuss is the actual custody of Tiger Lily.." I wasn't surprised by this. Since Kim had passed they probably needed my permission for her mother to keep her. I was prepared to do this and wondered if the papers were something I needed to sign. Jim looked at me expectantly. Mr. Niles spoke up.

"We have two options on the table regarding her custody.." he explained. He gestured at Ellie and I assumed we would talk about her keeping the baby. Ellie looked subdued and avoided eye contact with me. 

"The first proposal is that you take immediate custody of the child..." I thought I misunderstood them. I looked at Jim and from his face it was clear that I heard it right. They wanted me to take her? I didn't want to believe what I was hearing. My stomach rolled over and my entire body tensed up on me.

"You want me to take her?" I asked them to clarify themselves. Mr. Niles sighed heavily.

"I know this is a surprise and not what we originally intended.." he explained to me with a resigned look. "Since Kim has passed the situation has changed. Ellie here is unable to care for her and needs you to take custody of her right away.." I cut him off as I looked at Ellie in disbelief.

"If it's about money...I'll gladly help so you can take care of her!" I told Ellie as she began crying and pulled a handkerchief from her pocket. Mr. Niles looked annoyed at me for cutting him off.

"It's not just money Mr. Taylor..." he advised and turned and patted Ellie's shoulder. "She has health problems that prevent her from caring for her properly..." Ellie looked ashamed and I felt bad for her but my anger at being hit sideways with this news was growing. Why didn't they tell us this before the meeting? Give me time to decide? I knew I wasn't able to care for a baby and didn't have the inclination to. I looked at Jim for answers and he shook his head.

"They only told me about this right before you arrived...I'm sorry Roger.." he explained. I turned to look at Brian who was standing with a look of shock on his face as he held the baby in his arms. She had taken hold of one of his curls and he seemed oblivious as he looked at me with surprise.

"What's the other option?" Brian suddenly asked and Mr. Niles perked up and looked at me.

"You can sign these papers waiving your rights as the father and we will turn the baby over to the department of Child Welfare..." he advised me. My anger escalated as I realized I was being given the choice of either her being forced upon me with a moments notice or me knowingly abandoning her to the system for adoption or foster care. Either way I felt like the loser in the end. I had no idea what to do and looked at Jim.

"Can I have a word in private?" I asked him. He glanced at Brian and then held his hand out for me to go. 

"Yes...let's go to my office..." he told me and we headed out the door and I got outside and fumbled in my pocket for my cigarettes. I needed a smoke and I wanted a big strong drink.

"Fuck!" I said loudly and followed Jim to his office as I lit my cigarette. I got inside and he closed the door. "What the fuck Jim?" I barked at him as he leaned against his desk and sighed heavily.

"Roger...I'm sorry about all this...they said nothing on the phone when they called to tell me she died and only advised me after we had visited for a few minutes and right before you and Brian arrived..." Jim looked contrite on my behalf and I realized this wasn't his fault. It didn't, however, reduce the anger festering inside me from being trapped in this situation. 

"So are you telling me I either take her right now or I abandon her?" I asked him bluntly. He looked angry as well at the circumstances. It made me at least feel justified in my feelings.

"That's pretty much it in a nutshell.." he confirmed. I had an impulse to pick up the chair next to me and throw it. I curbed my feeling and moved away from the chair. "Roger I do want you to think about a few things before you decide.." he suggested. I walked over and flopped down in the seat and gestured to him.

"Go ahead....tell me how I am supposed to do.." I offered to him. He shook his head and I could see he was exasperated. I sure am. 

"You have to decide and I will do whatever you need me to do as your attorney, but please bear in mind two things...If you give you her up to the system and then change your mind and want her back, it's very difficult to get her back from what I've heard in legal circles.." he advised. I nodded to him as this made sense.

"Good to know...what's the other thing.." I asked and he looked at me with an odd expression.

"You need to consider that if you give her up and the information becomes public, it could damage your music career.." he said. I felt a jolt of anxiety at his words. He was right! If the papers got hold of this story and printed it, I would look like a deadbeat who abandoned their child for fame and riches. Shit! I hated Kim so much at this moment. I also hated myself. It was a no-win situation for me no matter what. I stood up from the chair and took another drag from my cigarette.

"Go get Brian..." I told Jim. He nodded and took off from the room. I paced the floor knowing what I was probably going to do. I hated this but felt trapped. Completely trapped. The door opened and Brian walked in without the baby. He looked confused and stressed. I know the feeling. 

"Rog....what are you going to do?" he asked me with a complete look of fear and worry on his face. He walked up to me but stopped short of hugging me. He looked at me intently. Waiting. He and Jim shared a concerned glance. I walked over and smashed my cigarette in the ashtray and looked at Brian.

"What do you think I should do?" I asked him. "Did Jim tell you his advice?" I asked. Brian nodded and looked at Jim again and then at me. He walked over and put his arm around me.

"Rog...I can't make this decision for you...it's your daughter! You have to decide what you think is best for her..." he replied. It wasn't the answer I wanted and I was frustrated and disappointed.

"So...if you were in my shoes...what would you do?" I asked him bluntly. Brian smiled at me.

"There wouldn't be a decision for me to make Rog.....you know what I want..." he replied. 

\---------------------------------

45 minutes later

"Do you want me to drive?" Brian asked me as we walked to the car. I fished the key from my pocket as I juggled the big bag on my arm and sighed. Resigned to my new reality. 

"No...I'll drive....you hold the baby.." I told him as we got to the car. Brian couldn't hide the fucking smile on his face as he bounced my daughter in his lap as I started the car. I feel like I lost today no matter the outcome. It seems the baby won as I was going to give her a home. I can't help but feel that Brian came out the real winner though as he tickled the baby under her chin as I pulled out of the parking spot and headed for the car dealership.

"I guess you need to look at a car with a backseat babe..." Brian instructed as I turned into the parking lot of the car dealer. I tried to imagine myself driving a four door sports car and died a little inside. The salesman came walking up as we got out of the car and had a huge smile on his face.

"Good afternoon gents! Looking for a family car?" he asked me with a keen grin. I rolled my eyes and looked at Brian. I could tell he felt bad for me but he handed me the baby. 

"Rog..take her for a few minutes while I make a phone call.." he told me. I wasn't sure what he was up to as he walked off with the salesman and headed inside their building. I looked at the baby and she was trying to grab my hair. She took hold of a clump of it and yanked.

"Shit! That hurt!" I told her loudly. She looked startled and her eyes grew big. I thought she was going to start crying. I panicked for a moment but she just smiled and yanked my hair again. Stubborn little thing!

"Don't baby..." I told her more gently and re-arranged the way I was holding her so I could free a hand and pull her fingers out of my hair. I got her fingers pried loose and started walking around to look at the cars. She started making silly sounds and slapping my arm as I walked down the row of family looking cars and I just sighed. I feel like my world went upside down on me and I landed in a new world with a baby in my lap. I think I'm still in shock. I just held on to her and looked at the sad family cars that might be my future. I had gone done several rows when Brian came running up to me and the salesman was in tow behind him. He was smiling and reached out his arms for the baby. I was relieved and gladly handed her over. She giggled as he bounced her and then swooped her around in the air like an airplane by her holding her by her torso and then pressed her close to his body.

"Was that move in the baby book?" I asked him snidely. He seemed to be pretty comfortable with her and I kind of hated him for it. He stuck his tongue out at me and then at her. 

"So are you wanting to find something for the family to ride in sir?" the salesman asked me. "Is the wife going to be joining us for a decision?" he added and I wanted to deck him. I suddenly realized I could make him feel as awkward as I do right now. I was still mad at the world and felt like taking the piss.

"No...she won't be joining us..." I told him solemnly. "She passed away.." I said to him and noticed Brian shoot me a shitty look for saying it. The salesman looked appalled at my news and tried to save face with a look of sympathy. 

"I'm so sorry sir....my deepest condolences.." he told me. I nodded a thanks and felt Brian pinch my arm really hard as punishment.

"Can you show me something with a backseat and a lot of leg room?" Brian asked the man. I decided to just let him look first and followed them as they looked at cars. We looked for a while and Brian found a red Vauxhall Magnum that he liked. It wasn't too embarrassing but certainly wasn't a sports car. I gripped the keys in my pocket and felt sad that I was saying goodbye to the old green monster. I was trading her in for a baby wagon! Fuck! Brian shook hands with the salesman and I realized my fate was sealed. I walked behind him and the baby as we went to the sales office. I sat and fiddled with my keys as he signed some papers and bounced the baby in his lap. 

"You're all set Mr. May.." the salesman announced and handed him the papers. I sighed and went to pull my car key off my keyring.

"Thank you for your help.." Brian told the man and they shook hands. I stood up and went to hand him my key. Brian gave me an amused look and shoved the key back at me as he held the baby.

"You're keeping it.." he told me and I gasped in surprise. 

"What?" I said to him in shock. "How?" I asked. He smiled at me and stood up to leave. The salesman handed me the keys to the car. I took them and followed Brian out.

"I called the bank and confirmed we only had three payments left. They agreed to finance this new car and roll your remaining payments into that loan.." he explained. I had no idea you could do that and was impressed. 

"So I get to keep my car?" I asked to be certain.

"Yes...you can keep it. We just have to watch our money for right now until the contracts get sorted out. Hopefully we'll make some money fast and can pay off some debts.." he told me as I walked with a sense of something going my way today.

"Thanks Bri..." I told him; knowing he could have insisted I sell. I gave him my first happy smile of the day.

"You can thank me by getting the bag from the car....I think she needs changing..." Brian told me. I realized our new reality involved dirty diapers and cringed at the thought.

"You don't expect me to change those do you?" I asked him as I grabbed the bag for him.

"She's your daughter Rog....shit and all!" he reminded me. 

"I thought you would take care of the baby..." I argued. He seemed to like this so he could just do it all.

"She's not 'the baby' Rog...quit calling her that!" he chided me. I realized he was right. I wasn't calling her by her name. I was trying to stay disconnected. "She has a name.."

"I hear you.." I told him and watched him changed her diaper clumsily in the back seat of our new car. It took him a few tries and he managed to get a cloth diaper stuck on her well enough to re-dress her. He needed a lot more practice! 

"Good baby..." I cooed to her and Brian looked at me with a terse expression. I realized I had called her baby again.

"Good girl Tiger Lil...." I felt like her name was a mouthful and I would grow weary of it fast. I smiled at her and then at Brian. I knew what to call her!

"Good girl Tigs..."


	14. Baby, You've Been Had - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiger Lily has been planned for this story since the moment Brian and Roger went on tour in Nov 1973 and Roger met Kim. In the timeline, she was born the same week Brian had abdominal surgery to save his life in August 1974.
> 
> Please be kind in your comments regarding my writing about child care. I don't have children but did help raise quite a few nieces and nephews. I am also trying to incorporate the fact that child rearing a new thing for our boys and it is the 70's! Thanks for your understanding...

May 1975

Brian's POV

"Are you going to call your mother and tell her about Tiger Lily?" I asked Roger as we drove to the doctor's office. I was trying to feed her the bottle Kim's mom had made for me before we left Jim's office. She stuck it in the baby bag with more formula, a load of nappies and some clothes. The car ride made feeding her a bit awkward. I tried to keep the nipple in her mouth but the bumps in the rode made me lose my place. Luckily, Tigs was amiable about it and stayed focused on her meal. I couldn't take my eyes off of hers as she looked at me while she worked on her bottle. Her eyes are just like Roger's. So blue; so big; so expressive. I could get lost in them just like I do in his. I was still in utter disbelief that I was holding a piece of him in my arms. A beautiful and warm piece of him. 

"Yes!" he answered me sharply and then sighed. "I'll call her when we get home. Let's find out how Tigs is first.." he replied. I know he was kind of freaked out about this entire situation. It's one of the reasons I called the doctor to see if they could see her on an emergency basis. Since we learned that Kim died of a drug overdose and we know she was using when she was with Roger, it seemed prudent to have her examined. Kim's mother has told us her daughter had stopped using when she discovered she was pregnant. To her knowledge Kim had returned to doing drugs a few months after Tigs was born. She wasn't breast feeding so it seemed hopeful there were no ill effects on the baby's health. I had phoned the doctor's office while at the car dealership and was referred to a pediatrician in their practice. They squeezed us in due to the circumstances. Roger left his car at the dealers and we took off for the appointment.

We arrived at the office and I stopped to burp Tigs before we went inside. I was proud of myself for remembering the feeding steps from the Dr. Spock book I had been reading. I was really glad I had picked that book up. We were greeted by my favorite nurse, Chrissie. She was excited when I told her about Tigs on the phone and shared my concerns about getting her examined. She told me she would explain the circumstances to the pediatrician so they wouldn't ask Roger too many embarrassing questions today. He's stressed enough right now. We both are. I had carried Tigs the entire trip as Roger still seemed reluctant to hold her a lot. The past 24 hours have been too much for him and I know he needs his mother right now. Whether he wants to admit it or not. That's why I keep encouraging him to call and tell her what is going on.

I still can't believe everything that's happened. When I walked into Jim's office with Rog I thought we were sorting out money for the baby and who in Kim's family would have custody. It was shocking to find them asking Roger to take her. What was more unbelievable was the option to give her up to the welfare system. I instantly knew we would take her. It was the right thing to do. Once I laid eyes on her I was smitten. She looks so much like him; its eerie. I wondered if Deacy's child will look just like him? I have to admit I was disappointed and a little angry at Roger for even considering waiving his rights and letting her go. I was grateful he asked my opinion and what I would do under the same circumstances. He knows I've been keen on having a child someday. Now I'll fully agree with him that I didn't want one right now. Today! I meant in the future; when we have a bigger home and financial stability. When Roger is older and more open to the idea. More settled. That would be ideal. But I wasn't going to let Roger give his child away because she's a victim of poor timing. We can make this work. I just hope he can cope with it all.

"Hi Brian...". Chrissie told me as she looked at Tigs sitting in my arms. She smiled at her and reached up to take her tiny hand. Tigs made some bubbly noises at her which made my heart flutter. So far she has been a sweet easy going baby. 

"So is this the one who all the fuss is about today? " she asked sweetly and then turned to Roger. She gave him a sympathetic look and offered a hug.

"Roger...I'm so sorry about the circumstances that brought you here today...I hope the doctor can give you some reassurances about your daughter and help you both figure things out..."

Roger looked appreciative and nodded to her. There was a sadness in his eyes that troubled me. I noticed his lips tremble slightly and my heart ached for him. This was so hard for him.

"Thanks Chrissie. That's nice of you to say..". He replied and accepted her hug. I was surprised as this was the nicest interaction he'd ever had with her. Roger isn't that keen on Chrissie for some reason and I don't know why. She's really nice and took good care of me in the hospital last year. It's good to finally see him warming up to her. Plus he really seemed to need a hug right now.

"I'll take you in to meet Dr. Talbot..." Chrissie guided our way to an exam room and we went inside. It was definitely a room for children as it was bright and cheery and had charts for growth and development on the walls. I walked over and sat Tigs down on the table as Chrissie came over with a flip chart. "I used to work in pediatrics when I first started at Kings College hospital.." Chrissie explained as she took Tig's vitals. Roger stood next me and silently watched. 

"Do you want to hold her while they check her?" I asked Roger. He looked lost and very tired and I felt bad for him. His face showed how overwhelmed he felt. "Maybe just take a seat.." I suggested. Roger looked at the seats and then shrugged and reached out for his daughter so I moved away so he could handle Tigs for the exam. I was happy to see him participate. There was a knock on the door and I was surprised to see a young woman with light brown hair come in with a lab coat on. 

"Good afternoon everyone....I'm Dr. Annie Talbot..." she introduced herself and walked up to shake Roger's hand. He introduced himself and she smiled as she looked at Tiger Lily and then reached out to take my hand.

"Nice to meet you...I'm Brian May....thanks for seeing us today..." I told her. She nodded as she returned her attention to Tigs. I pulled the medical information we had on her from her baby bag and handed it to Chrissie. 

"Hello Miss Tiger Lily!" she greeted Tigs properly and took her hands to make contact with her. "So Chrissie explained your situation to me and I'm sorry to hear you had to take her on such short notice. I can imagine it's been a stressful day for you..." she told Roger. I instantly liked her bedside manner and was surprised when she turned to me. "I understand that you're both taking care of her?" she asked me. I glanced at Chrissie who nodded to me to let me know she told the doctor about our living arrangement. Our relationship. I was relieved and happy the doctor knew and still agreed to see us. 

"Yes...that's right.." I answered and she smiled warmly at me. Roger looked at me with a little bit of anxiety. I don't think he understood that the doctor was aware of our relationship. I walked over and stood by Roger as the doctor began looking over Tigs. I put my hand on Roger's back to reassure him and leaned in to his ear. "She already knows about us..." I whispered. He nodded to tell me he understood.

"Let's have a look at this little angel here..." Dr. Talbot commented as she grabbed the chart that Chrissie had started for her. The doctor started checking out Tig's physically and looked her over from head to toe. I liked how thorough she was and kept explaining and reassuring us as she went through each step. She even did a neurological examination.

"Her mother used drugs...." Roger suddenly announced as the doctor was checking her reflexes. The doctor stopped and looked right at Roger. I pressed my arm firmly against him and rubbed his back. 

"Chrissie did explain all that to me...." Dr. Talbot confirmed to us. "So far everything looks great and she seems to have normal development for her age.." she explained. "I can have some blood work done if you want her tested for the presence of drugs...of course, if her mother passed a week ago, any substance may have already left her system.." she advised us. Roger looked perplexed about what to do. I hated taking any blood if it wasn't necessary. The doctor watched us for a decision.

"It may not hurt to do some general blood work just to make sure she's healthy overall....a baseline.." she suggested as she looked over the medical information we brought with us. "Her vaccinations are on schedule...that's good news.." she remarked to us.

"What blood panels are you wanting to draw?" Roger suddenly asked and he and the doctor started a discussion about the tests she wanted. I watched Rog talk to her and use his biology background to get more information. I saw him shift from a disconnected father to someone engaged in her care. It was encouraging. I was glad we decided to come in today. Roger had found a way to connect with his daughter and be a part of her care in an unexpected way. He decided to wait for tests on the next visit.

The doctor gave us some pamphlets about child development and infant care. I was grateful for whatever we could get. Chrissie put a new nappy on her and freshened her up as the doctor talked about future visits for vaccinations and checking her growth. I made some notes as she spoke and Roger asked some good questions. This visit was helping us both absorb our new life a little more. 

I asked the doctor about the list of things you need at home to care for a baby that was in my Dr. Spock book. She helped me whittle down it down to a list of the basics we needed right away. The attorney for Kim's family was having Tig's other clothes and toys delivered to us tomorrow. I was feeling a little more confident and we prepared to leave. 

"I'll see you at her next appointment.." Dr. Talbot was friendly to us the entire visit and I looked forward to seeing her again. Chrissie came up to us holding a bag.

"Here are some more disposable nappies and something new to the baby care market...disposable wipes! You can use them to wipe her up for nappy changes and keep her clean.." Chrissie explained as she showed us a wipe. It was a marvel and would certainly be easier to use than wash cloths. "I put my personal phone number on a card in the bag. If you need any help or have questions after hours; I'm happy to help..." Chrissie told us. I found her offer very kind and smiled at her.

"Thanks for all your help today...I really mean it.." I replied and she smiled and hugged me on my side. We packed up our things and headed out; feeling a little more confident about handling Tig's needs. Tigs looked tired after all her experiences so far today. I knew she needed to sleep at some point.

"We need to get her down for a nap.." I told Roger as we headed to the car. He carried the box of supplies as I managed Tigs again. Rog had been silent after we left the doctor's office. He seemed pensive and I left him to his thoughts. I knew he had a lot on his mind and I tried to be supportive. I did plan to remind him about calling his mother when we get home. We took off in the car and headed home. Roger grabbed his cigarettes out of habit and I gave him a disapproving look as he tried to fish one out of the packet.

"Not with Tigs in the car..." I said to him casually. He realized what he was doing and shoved the unlit cigarette into the unused ashtray. He sighed. 

"Yeah....sorry.." he mumbled absentmindedly to me as he watched the road. I felt bad for him as I know he is stressed. I will make sure he gets a smoke when we get home. We arrived on our block and found a place to park. I went ahead of him as he opened the boot to get out the supplies. I got the front door opened and headed upstairs to our room. I was glad I had made the bed this morning and sat Tigs down in the center of the bed as I grabbed the pillows to make a little nest for her. I got her settled and laid down on her back. I kissed her little fingers and sat down on the edge of the bed and watched her as she relaxed. She looked sleepy already and was quiet as I watched her slowly drift off to sleep. Her soft features as she laid there reminded me of Roger. My heart swelled at how beautiful she is. Once I was sure she was out, I slipped my shoes off and walked quietly down the stairs.

Roger had piled the box and bags on the kitchen table and the front door was ajar. I knew instinctively he was outside smoking. I didn't want to leave the room in case she woke up. I went to the kitchen and put the kettle on for some tea. Roger eventually came inside as the kettle began to whistle. I quickly turned it off and made us both a cup as he went to sit on the couch. I walked over to him and found him looking dazed and almost shell shocked from the events of today. I sat down next to him and handed him his tea. 

"Hungry?" I asked him. He shook his head and remained silent.

He took a sip after a while and stared off into space. I wasn't sure what to say to him and finally just put my hand on his thigh to tell him I was there for him. He sat his cup down on the table and took my hand in his. He turned to me with a face full of tears and made a sound I'd never heard from him. It was a wail of grief, sadness and fear. It almost frightened me to hear it. He fell into my side and I pulled him into my arms as he laid against me and let out every ounce of emotion he had bottled up all day. My own tears escaped as I felt helpless to ease the pain he felt. He was scared and hurting and I couldn't fix this problem for him. I just had to help him face it. I hoped he wouldn't wake Tigs up but I couldn't tell him that right now. 

"I can't do this...." Roger finally confessed to me between sobs and grabbed at my shirt and clenched it in his hands. He shook his head as he cried and heaved against my chest. "I can't do this.." he told me again and again. My heart broke at his words and I knew he felt he was in over his head. Maybe we were. I just knew we couldn't leave her to the wolves. I held him close and started stroking his hair to calm him down.

"I know you can't do it alone babe...." I agreed as I gently rocked him. "But we can do it together....we'll figure it out..." 

I finally got him calmed down enough to lay him down on the couch to rest. I hoped once he collected himself and felt a little better he could call Winnie. I sat and held his head in my lap and watched him as he laid there awake but with his eyes closed. I wanted to get up and try to get organized but I knew he needed me right now. I kept my hand on his head and used the other to move his hair away from his face. He didn't look peaceful like Tigs did as she went to sleep. The contrast made me sad. We sat for a while and I grew concerned that she would wake up and need us. Roger finally opened his eyes and looked up at me. They were red and tired looking.

"I guess I need to call my mom..." he told me with a thick voice. I nodded my head as he slowly moved sit up. I helped him up as he sat up straight and sighed heavily and then cleared his throat. He wiped his eyes and stood up and grabbed the telephone. He dialed the number and gave me a look of trepidation as he waited for her to answer. He placed his head in his hand and looked weary. I knew this was hard for him. I also knew Winnie would be on the next train.

\-----------------------------

"Do you want to feed her?" I asked him as I carried her down the stairs from her nap. I had taken the opportunity to put a new nappy on her and loved how easy the wipes were to use. It was nicer than the wash cloth I had used earlier today. It was a poopy change so I needed several to clean her up. I remembered to wipe front to back as Chrissie showed me. I think I got the hang of putting a nappy on her so I felt like I had accomplished something important. 

"I guess so.." Roger answered as I brought her down to him on the couch. He had finished up his phone with call his mother and like I assumed, she told him she would be here on the first train tomorrow. He had also called Clare but didn't find her at home. He left a message with her flat mate for her to call back as soon as possible. I placed Tigs in his arms and he had a light smile as she fussed at him. I knew she was hungry because of how long it had been since she ate. I hurried to the kitchen and threw out the dirty nappy and then made the bottle. I measured out everything and got it ready for him as I walked to the couch. He looked a little anxious as I handed it to him.

"Just hold her up a bit and slip the nipple into her mouth. She'll help you out.." I told him gently. He was awkward with it at first but managed to get her to take the bottle. She began eating and he looked at me with surprise that he was successful. "See? You did it!" I told him encouragingly. He smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever and my heart felt dash of hope. He held her and watched her with great interest as she sucked on her bottle and held it with both her little hands.

"She's a hungry little fucker..." Roger commented with a smirk. I wanted to tell him to not say that in front of her but figured for the moment I needed to let him have his own way with her. Once he felt more confident and connected to her we could curb the use of his favorite word. 

"You'll need to burp her when she's finished.." I reminded him as I brought him a towel from the bag. It was the last clean one and I realized you could run out of clean stuff pretty quickly. I had to get organized! Roger took it from me and mimicked my burping instructions. He patted her firmly and she belched really well but didn't spit up too much. He looked grossed out as he pulled the messy cloth from his shoulder. I laughed a little as he folded it up and handed it to me.

"You think that's bad....try a shitty diaper." I said to him and realized I had cursed. Shit! I said to myself. I covered my mouth in response and Roger laughed as I was mortified with myself.

"I don't think she's going to learn it from you saying it one time Brimi.." he told me with a light hearted look. It was nice to see him really smiling and feeling something besides fear or uncertainty. 

"Well...we both need to curb our language.." I told him. He frowned at me and shook his head.

"I'll sat whatever I want in front of her....she has to take me as I am.." he replied. I gave him a stern look.

"I don't think your mother will appreciate hearing her say 'fuck' as her first real word.." I remarked to him. He snickered and took Tig's little hand in his and acted he like was dancing with her.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" he sang to her in a lilting melody. I wanted to chastise him but it was so damned cute. She giggled at him as he lightly bounced her on his knee.

"You've been warned!" I told him as I laughed. They were so cute together. He was really smiling and engaging with her. It was nice to see. She got a funny look on her face and then threw up all over Roger's chest. He almost let go of her and I jumped to try to catch her as she started crying.

"Fuck!" Roger yelled as he found himself covered in warm formula. I reached over and took Tig out of his arms and patted her back gently and cooed to her to calm her as Roger looked down at his shirt and then at me with disgust. I went over and grabbed the baby bag and walked to the kitchen sink to clean her up. "That was....ugh!" he whined to me as he took off upstairs while cupping the bottom of his shirt to contain the mess. I laughed at little as I cleaned Tig's face and her shirt. She had a little in her hair and it didn't smell that great. My smile disappeared as I caught a whiff of something a little sour. Ugh! Roger was right. I finished wiping her down and saw him coming down the stairs in my t-shirt from Denver.

"Hey! That's my shirt!" I told him as he came up and took Tigs from me.

"Not anymore..." he told me as he laughed and used the tail of it to wipe some vomit from Tig's tiny foot.


	15. Baby. You've Been Had - Part 3

May 1975 

London

Roger's POV

"How is this going to work?" I ask Brian as we went upstairs with Tigs. We didn't have a cot yet. Shit! We barely have anything! Brian had his Dr. Spock book and had been reading all about babies but he couldn't find anything about sleeping arrangements when you don't have a cot. He looked deep in thought as we reached the bedroom.

"I guess she can just sleep between us. That way if she wakes up, she'd have to try to crawl up over one of us and we would wake up.." he suggested to me. I guess it will have to do. We will get a cot first thing tomorrow but we are both wiped out and according to the stuff Brian read, Tigs needs to get to bed. Brian brought over her baby bag and I sat down with her on the bed while he went in clean up for the night. I placed her in the middle of the bed and sat next to her. She was sitting up and watching me. Her eyes are so big and blue and remind me of my family's eyes. My mom and sister. It's strange to see them looking back at me from someone new. Someone who I guess is mine. Tigs was holding my fingers and looking at them as she tried to put one in her mouth. When she got one inside she bit down a little and I could feel the nubs of her teeth as they are coming in. Then she pressed down pretty hard and it hurt. 

"Ouch! Careful Tigs.." I told her as I gently got my finger out of her mouth. I wiped her slobber on my t-shirt. Brian made some noise in the bathroom and Tigs looked that way as he was coming through the doorway. She smiled and I turned to see Brian smiling back at her.

"Hi Tigs.." he told her was he walked up to the bed. I could tell she was looking right at him and clearly likes him. She held up her arms as he sat down next to me. She leaned forward and almost fell as he caught her and put her in his lap.

"I got her...go get ready..." he told me as he held her hands inside his own. He was so natural with her. If he feels awkward with her it doesn't really show. I'm still uncomfortable. Not sure what I should be doing with her from moment to moment. I feel completely out of my element. I walked into the bathroom and relieved myself. I turned and washed my hands as I thought about how well Brian seems to manage her. He couldn't have picked up all of it from just reading a few chapters of a book. I finished brushing my teeth and wondered if he had ever watched babies or kids growing up. He didn't have any siblings so I found this peculiar. I pulled off my shirt and jeans and tossed them in the clothes basket as I headed back to the bedroom. Brian had scooted up against the headboard and Tigs was in the middle of the bed on her tummy. She was trying to push herself up and was working to get her legs underneath her. She was struggling with it but trying. She peered up at me as I got near her. Her little mouth was open and she had a curious look on her face.

"The book said that at this age she is building up her strength so she can get ready for walking in a few months.." Brian informed me as he reached over to his nightstand and grabbed his camera. He popped the lens cap off and aimed the camera at her. I climbed onto the bed and sat by her. Brian aimed the camera at me and I smiled as I reached over and picked up Tigs and got her in my arms. I sat her down in my lap facing Brian and put my arm around her. He smiled at me and adjusted the lens and a took a few shots. "She looks so much like you babe...she's just beautiful.." Brian commented to me as he sat the camera back on his nightstand.

"Hang on! Let me take one of you with her.." I told him. His face brightened at my suggestion and he grabbed the camera and sat it on the pillow as I handed Tigs to him. He positioned her the same way I had and I picked up the camera and got them focused in the viewer and snapped a photo after telling them both to smile. Brian was beaming in the picture and held her little fingers in his. They both looked happy and cute. I yawned as I put the camera on my nightstand and Brian put Tigs down and climbed off the bed. He grabbed her bag and pulled out a diaper and the packet of wipes along with a little mat.

"Come here and watch me...you haven't changed her yet.." he told me as he started removing her tights. I got up and walked over to watch. He got her tights all the way off and took off her little pink dress. He showed me the tabs on the diaper and tore them to remove it from her. He handed me her folded up wet diaper as he took a wipe in one hand and grabbed her feet in the other. "You have to clean her up when you change her....wipe front to back to keep her genitals clean.." he explained and I smirked as he said 'genitals.." 

"Genitals?" I asked him with a wry smile and he gave me a admonishing look. 

"Be serious Rog.." he told me as I snickered at him. He tried to keep a straight face as he showed me how to wipe her and he grabbed a clean diaper and I watched him place it on her and underneath her bottom. "See how the tabs work?" he asked me as he fastened them to the front of the diaper. "You did so well Tigs!" Brian told her when he finished. She just stared up at him with a look of contentment.

"Got it.." I told him confidently. It wasn't rocket science but I appreciated his demonstration. I ran and put the dirty diaper in the bathroom trash bin and came back.

"Get out something for her to sleep in.." Brian told me as he pointed to her bag. I dug around and found a pink bodysuit with a cat's face on it. I smiled and handed it to Brian. 

"She can wear this.." I told him and he giggled at the cat graphic. I watched him as he tried to get the one piece onto her and fail a few times. He finally managed to align the buttons so they would snap in order and then handed her to me.

"Finally!" he remarked as I walked to my bedside. Brian pulled back the bedclothes and took some throw pillows he got from downstairs and built her a little nest in the center of the bed. I placed her in her makeshift bed and Brian covered her with a blanket from the baby bag. "Ready for some sleep little one?" Brian asked her in a sweet soft tone. I still marveled at his natural way with her. Where was this coming from?

"Bri? How are you so comfortable with her? With all this?" I asked him curiously. "You don't have a brother or sister. Did you watch other kids a lot growing up?"

"My mother watched other children sometimes for extra money.." he replied. "I would help her with the little ones.." It made sense that the experience would give him more confidence in taking care of her than I had. I wasn't that much older than Clare when she was a baby so most of my memories helping out with her involved my sister being much older. 

"I never took care of any children..." I told him. "I helped with Clare some but when she was much older.."

"You'll get the hang of it..." Brian assured me. I wasn't confident of that yet. I guess it just takes practice. I yawned again as we both got settled next to Tigs. I turned off my lamp and pulled the covers over me as I laid on my side facing her and Brian. He leaned over her and I propped myself up to meet him for a goodnight kiss. It felt good to know he was with me in all this. I certainly couldn't manage without him. "Get some sleep..." Brian told me as we both laid down. My last memory is looking at her and then looking at Brian watching her in the dark.

\-------------------------------- 

The ringing of the phone made me jerk awake and I almost sat up in response. I remembered Tigs was sleeping next to me and quickly grabbed the phone to answer if before she woke up. I glanced at the clock and saw it was 9:20am.

"Hello." I said quietly.

"Rog! I have some exciting news! Are you sitting down?" It was Freddie. I turned in bed to see if Tigs had stirred and found her nest was empty and Brian was gone as well. I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes as I held the phone.

"I'm sitting....what is it?" I said to him wondering where Bri and Tigs were. As soon as I thought that I realized Freddie didn't know about her. I cut him off as he went to speak.

"Actually Freddie! I have some news as well....and for once I think I'll top whatever it is you have to say..." I told him brazenly. 

"I highly doubt that dear..." he replied and I grinned to myself hearing this.

"Okay....you go first!" I told him and listened.

"Well! I think I found us our new manager!" he told me. While this was encouraging news it wasn't nearly the earth shattering update I had for him.

"Is that it?" I asked him; soundly disbelieving it had any real weight to it. Freddie made a scoffing sound.

"I'm not finished!" he barked at me and I snickered at his disdain. "We have a photo session on Friday and I got us an invite to an exclusive party that very night!" he bragged to me. 

"Still not as good as my news.." I bragged to him. He made another scoffing sound.

"Well..out with it then!" he ordered. I suddenly realized I wasn't sure what to say.

"I've got a baby!" I announced. He was quiet and then laughed lightly.

"Well..I know that Rog!" he replied in a sarcastic tone. "Your paternity meeting is Thursday...that's why I thought these plans would cheer you up!" he told me encouragingly. 

"No Freddie! I've got the baby! She's here with me.." I clarified to him. He was silent for a moment.

"Wait! Are you telling me that your baby is at your home right now?" he asked me.

"Yes! She's mine now....she's living with me...with us.." I answered. I heard some funny sounds coming from Freddie's end of the line. I saw Brian coming into the bedroom with Tigs in tow.

"She needs a bath.." Brian told me. I could tell from looking at her. I saw food in her hair. 

"Wait!" I heard Freddie shout in the phone. I swear I heard him drop the receiver and wondered if the call was actually disconnecting. 

"Freddie?" I said into the phone. There was no answer. "Freddie? Are you there?" I shrugged and hung it up.

"Who was it?" Brian asked me. I smiled at him.

"It was Freddie!" I replied. 

"Did you tell him?" he asked me with curiosity. "What did he say?" 

"I told him but the phone messed up or something..." I explained to him. I picked up the phone again and called Freddie's number. The line was engaged so I hung up. "His line is busy.." I told him. We both looked indifferent as Brian walked into the bathroom.

"Come help me give her a bath.." he said to me. The phone rang again so I answered it.

"Freddie?" I asked.

"No! It's Clare..." my sister corrected me. She was returning my call. "I got your message...what did you need?" she asked.

"Are you sitting down?" I asked her. I felt like Freddie calling someone with big news. Though..it is big news! 

"I am actually...what is it?" she asked me impatiently. 

"I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just spit it out!" I started. "I'm a father Clare!" I told her. I waited for a response. There was silence.

"Is this a joke Rog?" she asked me with a hint of irritation. "Cause if you're joking...it's not very funny.." she commented. I sighed at her response.

"I'm not joking Clare! It's a long story how it happened but I am being completely serious.." I told her. Brian came back into the bedroom since I didn't follow him. He was watching me talk to my disbelieving sister as he held Tigs on his hip. 

"Well...that's not possible! So..I think you're trying to mess with me.." she retorted. "I mean..honestly Rog....you're gay...or bi...or whatever...you don't have a girlfriend...you're with Brian.." she reminded me.

"Clare! I'm telling you the truth!" I barked at her; frustrated that she wouldn't take my word. I looked at Brian who could see I was irked by her reaction. 

"Sorry Dodger! Don't believe you...try this prank on someone else.." I made a grunting sound at her continued rejection of my story and Brian pursed his lips and stuck his hand out for the phone receiver. I handed it to him in utter disgust with the argument my sister was engaged in with me.

"Clare...it's Bri!" he told her. He smiled at me and held the phone with one hand and Tigs with the other. "Yes....he is telling you the truth!" he clarified to her. He looked a touch annoyed himself as I heard her yapping at him in the phone. "I'm standing here holding her right now.." he told her. Like a cue from Brian, Tigs suddenly started making her sounds. I could see from Brian's reactions that Clare could hear every noise the baby made.

I heard my sister scream on the phone line and Brian quickly held it away from his ear. He smiled at me and handed me back the phone. 

"Clare?" I asked her as I brought the phone back to my ear. She was still screaming.

"What the fuck Roger!" she shouted at me. "Where the hell did the baby come from? Did you say 'she'?" Clare kept shouting. I almost laughed at her change of demeanor. 

"Quit shouting..." I commanded and I heard her gasp and try to calm down. 

"Sorry...I just can't believe it!" she replied sounding a little winded. "So..you have a baby? A baby girl?" she asked me.

"Yeah....I do! It is a really long story that I can tell you later...I just wanted you to know.." I explained.

"Does Mum know? Can I see her?" Clare started talking fast. "Who's her Mum? What's her name?" she rattled off a bunch of questions and I smiled at my sister's newborn enthusiasm for the situation. 

"Of course you can see her...and yes, Mum knows. She took the morning train actually. I'm picking her up soon." I explained. "You can come over after Mum arrives and see her if you want..."

"I'd love it!" she told me. "What's her name?" 

"It's Tiger Lily.." I replied. She was quiet and then giggled.

"Did you name her that?" she asked me and I wasn't sure if she liked it or not.

"No...her Mum did but I don't mind it..." I answered. I didn't really mind it. If I had named her it would have been something unusual anyway. I didn't care much for traditional names.

"Is her mother there too?" Clare asked me gently. I felt a stir of pain in my heart. There was a lot of explaining to do and this part was going to be really difficult. Painful even. I hadn't told my mother about Kim's death. I just said we would talk when she arrived.

"Clare..it's a long story...I'd rather tell you in person..." I responded quietly. She seemed to understand it was a touchy subject.

"Okay...we'll talk about it later..." she answered. "I'll be there this afternoon....love you Roger.." she told me. I felt a surge of warmth hearing those words.

"I love you too Bear...see you soon.." I replied as we hung up. Brian was watching me with a sad look on his face. I guess he could sense my unease at talking about Kim. She is part of the story so it's unavoidable.

"You ready for a bath?" Brian asked Tigs. She had her hand in his hair and I waited for her to yank on it. She didn't and just looked at Brian as he spoke gently to her. There was a sudden knock on the front door.

"More interruptions..." Brian sighed as he watched me get up and head down to answer the door. 

"Sorry..." I told him. It did feel like everyone was coming out of the woodwork all at once. I reached the door and opened it. To my surprise Freddie was standing there completely out of breath. He was clutching his bag at his side and had apparently rushed over on foot.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him; completely taken aback by his sudden appearance at my door. He shoved me out of his way and barged in to the flat.

"Well...where is the baby?" he huffed out at me still breathing a little heavily as he looked around.

"Up here Fred!" I heard Brian tell him. Freddie took off up the stairs and I closed the door and followed him.

"Oh!!!!!!!!!" Freddie shrieked as he saw his first glimpse of my daughter. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open looking at her. He turned to me with a huge open mouthed smile and then tried to cover his teeth with his hand.

"She looks just like you!" he beamed at me and then returned his attention to Tigs. Brian smiled at Freddie's reaction and eagerly showed her off as Freddie held out his arms to receive her.

"She needs a bath.." Brian told him and Freddie cooed as he held Tigs in his arms and began swiveling slowly. He looked her over completely as he gently moved. 

"What's her name?" he asked as I walked up next to him. 

"Tiger Lily..." I replied and Freddie laughed out loud.

"What a ridiculously marvelous name!" he shrieked at me. He started talking to her and ignored Brian and I. "What a precious little angel!" he cooed at her. "You are just so perfect!" he started walking into the bathroom with her "This little Tiger needs a bath.." he spoke to her in his softest timber. Brian followed him in.

"You're nothing bathing her Fred...I am!" Brian argued to him as they stood by the tub. 

"I wasn't going to.." he harped at Brian; sounding offended. "I only wanted to bring you this.." Freddie remarked as he handed Tigs back to Brian and opened up his bag. He pulled out a bottle. "This is my very own expensive shampoo you can use on her.." he explained. Brian gave him an odd look. 

"Why did you bring your shampoo?" Brian asked him dumbfounded. Freddie gave him a smug grin and showed him the bottle label.

"It's only the best baby shampoo money can buy dear!" he declared. I had forgotten that Freddie uses baby shampoo on his own hair. Brian rolled his eyes as he bent over and turned on the bath water to warm it up. "Only the best for our little Queenie.." 

\------------------------------ 

Brian got Tigs bathed but was soaking wet when he finished. I spent the entire time filling Freddie in on all the events that unfolded since we got home. He was upset to hear about Kim and was furious on our behalf about us being forced to take Tigs at a moment's notice. He couldn't stay long and hoped we could sort out someone to watch her for our scheduled photo session and the party on Friday. I told him I would keep him posted.

I took off to pick up my mother from the train station while Brian stayed home to put Tigs down for a nap and make some lunch for us and my Mum. I parked at the station and made my way to the arrival area. Her train was on time and I saw her approaching with her largest suitcase. l ran up to take it from her and she hugged me close.

"How is she today?" my mother asked me as soon as we met. I found it funny I was already second in her mind and she had not even met Tiger Lilly yet. My how quickly things change! 

"She's okay. Brian was putting her down for a nap.." I told her as we walked to the car. My mother lit a cigarette as we reached the carpark and I put her luggage in the boot. She looked over the new car and gave me a sympathetic nod. I took the opportunity to have a smoke as well.

"I suppose a lot has to change with the arrival of a baby....you sold your sports car?" she asked. I shook my head and smiled. 

"No..I kept it. Brian managed to make it work where we could keep both.." I explained. She got inside the car and tapped her ashes on the concrete before closing the door.

"Speaking of Brian...I guess I should ask you now since we're alone.." she said and I instantly felt an awkward conversation starting. "You told me very little on the phone about the mother...but I believe you were still with Brian when the conception took place...am I right?" she asked me bluntly. I realized she was calling me out for being unfaithful. I hated this part of explaining Tig's existence. My cheating with Kim seemed like a indiscretion that few people knew about; now it had become an unwelcome topic of discussion.

"Yes..I was with Brian....and for the record..he cheated as well..it's a long story that doesn't require any more attention. It's unfortunate that Kim got pregnant....so here we are!" I quickly told her. She looked a little irritated with my brush off of the topic. 

"I'll just say this once and let it be..." she told me firmly with a hard glint in her eye. "As someone who has been cheated on...it''s a horrible thing to do to a person you supposedly love..." she lectured me. "I hope you know how lucky you are that Brian didn't leave.." she added. She wasn't wrong. I had thought at the time Brian would dump me. We were lucky and worked through it. A hard lesson we both learned. Unfortunately...there has been continued fallout. 

"We worked it out Mum...Brian and I are great!" I assured her. I smiled at her as I drove us home. "Actually Brian has been brilliant with Tigs...a natural I would say.." I commented.

"That's good to hear considering he has been saddled with someone else's child.." she replied with a hint of judgement thrown at me once again. 

"I think you'll find Brian doesn't see it that way.." I told her. "He encouraged me to take her and seems committed to making this work...he's been nothing but supportive.." I told her as I parked on the street by the flat. I wrangled her suitcase from the car and walked her to the door. I got it opened and we walked in to the wonderful smell of Brian's cheese lasagna. 

"Oh...something smells good.." my mother remarked. Brian came walking down the stairs with Tigs in his arms and my mother practically shrieked with happiness when she saw her. Brian was beaming like a proud parent as my mother walked up with her arms outstretched. She hugged herself to Brian and encircled him and the baby both. Brian chuckled a bit and handed Tigs over to her as she released her hold on them.

"She is you reborn Roger....my goodness!" My mother was gawking at Tiger Lily and walked over to the couch and sat down with her. She laid her back and examined her from head to toe like Dr. Niles had. She looked up at me when she finished and gushed. "Oh...she's just beautiful my boy!" she told me with tears in her eyes. She held up her arms to me so I walked over and accepted them. She pulled me close and I could hear her sniffling. "Thank you so much...you don't know what this means to me...." she told me with a depth of gratitude that made me emotional. She let me pull away and I kneeled down next to her and the baby on the couch. She pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and cleaned her face. 

"I'm glad you like her..." I told her awkwardly. I wasn't sure what to say. It was never my intention to give her a grandchild but here we were looking at her together. She reached over and cupped my chin and then pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"She's just wonderful..." she told me and gushed again. She looked up at Brian who had walked over to us.

"Lunch is ready if you're hungry.." Brian told us. My mother smiled sweetly at him.

"You're a dear to make something for us..." she said and grabbed Tiger Lilly's hands and started playing patty-cakes with her. "You boys eat while we both play..." she told us while looking at the baby. I got up to follow Brian as I am starving. I never got breakfast since Freddie show up un-announced. 

"Do you think your Mum likes her?" Brian asked me sarcastically and I rolled my eyes.

"Maybe just a little.."

There was a knock on the door and I went to answer it as Brian cut some lasagna slices. I opened it to find my sister standing at my door with a pink teddy bear and a balloon.

"Where is she?" she asked as she moved me out of the way. I sighed and let her pass. I heard her shriek before I could turn around. I had a sense of deja vu as I walked into the kitchen and sat down. Brian came over and put a plate of lasagna and a glass of water in front of me. I sighed and laid my head down on the table.

"What?" he asked me and I laughed.

"If one more person shows up to see the baby today and then shrieks...I think I am going to shriek!" I told him as I raised my head back up to eat. He laughed and bent down and kissed my head.

"Someone needs a nap!" he remarked to me as he took a seat to eat with me.

"I'd love one..." I told him and reached my hand across the table. "Just you and me.." I added and he smiled warmly at me as he took my hand.

"And baby makes three.."


	16. Don't Try Suicide - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is located in the right part of the story. Sorry for any confusion.

Brian's POV

"How are you feeling today Brian?"

Dr. Fischer met with me everyday. He always started by asking how I was feeling. It felt like it was a loaded question. I mean I obviously feel pretty bad if I'm stuck in this hospital after trying to hurt myself. I'm obviously not doing well if I don't sleep and my bad thoughts won't stop long enough to let me breathe. He asked me to be honest about everything and that this is a safe place to talk. 

"I'm feeling the same..." I told him truthfully. He nodded that he heard me and tapped his pen against the paper file in his lap.

"Do you want to tell me more about Tigs today?" he asked me. "You told me how you and Roger met and got together and we talked about the band and your family and friends. When we last spoke , you explained how Tigs came to be in your life. Yours and Roger's life. Want to share more about that?" he looked at me expectantly. It's okay. I like talking about her. I love her so much. Even though I'm not her father I feel like she is mine sometimes. My baby. Sometimes mine more than Rogers. Though it feels bad to think like that. He is her father. For better or worse.

"So..Tigs got settled into our lives after Roger took her from Kim's mother." I explained to him. "We had a short break between touring and recording so it was good timing to get her then."

I remembered setting up her cot in the spare room and turning it into a nursery. I did smile a little at the memory of making a home for her. Despite our small flat we did create a nice space for her.

"Roger's Mum...Winnie...she stayed with us a few weeks to help us get adjusted to being parents and getting all the baby things she needed. We had nothing and she was quite generous to us.." I explained. 

""Do you like Roger's mother?" Dr. Fischer asked me. I smiled at him and nodded.

"I do. Winnie has always been nice to me. She never had anything bad to say to Roger or me about being together. She's real supportive." I answered. He smiled back at me. I guess he was happy to hear me say something positive. He made a note on his file and prodded me to keep talking.

"So things were going well...that's good.." he commented. "How were you and Roger handling being instant parents?" he asked me.

"At first, things seemed okay.." I told him truthfully. "Roger didn't want to be a parent but he seemed to try to embrace it as best as he could. I know he felt thrust into all..." I commented and felt my mind drift to a memory. I could remember that one night and felt a knot in my stomach as the pain of that time resurfaced. 

"Brian?" Dr. Fischer was talking to me and I pulled myself back to focus on him.

"Sorry..." I told him. He looked at me warmly and tapped his pen. He always tapped that pen when he's trying to get me to stay focused on our conversation. "I was thinking about when things started to go wrong.." I said to him. His eyebrows raised slightly and he shifted positions. It made me a little anxious. He was expecting something from me.

"Well...tell me first how you tried to embrace parenthood and then how things went wrong..." he suggested. I nodded slightly and bunched up the bottom of my shirt in my hands to have something to hold onto to. 

"Okay..." I answered and he nodded to me gently.

"We had to make a new album...and we had to figure out what to do with Tigs when we worked..." I explained. 

"What did you figure out?" Dr. Fischer asked me.

"We figured out we needed a nanny.." I actually heard myself laugh a little and the doctor smiled at me. 

"Did you find one?" 

"Yeah...it was a bumpy ride but we found a workable solution.." I explained. 

"So you went to make an album...were things good then?" he asked me. I thought back to that time and couldn't help but smile. Really smile.

"Yeah...things were great.." I told him.

"Well let's start there.."


	17. Love of My Life - Part 1

June 25 1975

En Route to Ridge Farm

Brian's POV

"I really need a piano.." I told Roger as we drove down the A24 south to the farm and studio in the countryside in Surrey. We had rented the place for several weeks to do some song writing and rehearsing away from the business and personal distractions in London. We were meeting the others there.

"Well... there will be one at the farm...." Roger commented as he watched the road. I shook my head at him and he glanced my way.

"No..I mean at home..." I clarified to him. "Sometimes I would prefer to work out my songs on a piano instead of guitar.." I explained. He nodded understanding as he eyed the road.

"Yeah...like I use a guitar for mine since the drums aren't always the best place to start.." he observed. This was true. Roger often used a guitar for composing. He had even wrangled his own acoustic model during an equipment purchase for the group. Our flat was getting crowded with music oriented items as much as baby things these days.

"When we get a bigger place...we need to make room for one.." I told him. He smiled at me and reached over and took my hand. 

"Love you Brimi.." he told me and leaned over to quickly kiss my hand as he managed the steering wheel with the other.

"Love you too Roggie.." I replied as he let my hand slip away. He turned to smile at me and then resumed watching his driving.

Roger had been in great spirits all day. We had left Tigs with his mother and taken off in his green baby to drive to Ridge Farm in Surrey. He has been openly affectionate with me since we left. We have barely had a break from Tigs since she landed in our lives in early May. I'm not complaining as I love her completely. I know Roger does as well. We just didn't get any time to adjust to the idea of having a baby and living with her 24 hours a day. It went from living like two overgrown teenagers to being serious parent oriented adults in a day. There hasn't been much of a social life outside the confines of visitors to the flat to see her. There hasn't been any time for us as a couple.

Roger sped along the motorway as we neared the area where we would exit. He seemed a little restless as we found the turnoff and headed down a country road towards the nearby village were the farm was located. I wondered if he needed a cigarette. He had not had one since we left the city.

"Need a smoke Rog?" I asked him. He smiled warmly at me and shook his head. 

"No...I'm good.." he answered. I was surprised to see him turn one down. I shrugged it off and watched the countryside. We arrived at the village and Roger soon pulled into the large drive for Ridge Farm located a few miles away. The place was amazing. The main house was enormous. Roger parked the car and we got out and looked around.

An older woman met us at the drive and showed us around. Her family owned the place. It turns out we were the first to arrive. We were shown the grounds with a swimming pool, tennis courts and a lovely wooded area. Once at the house, she guided us through the large living quarters. The house had twelve bedrooms and plenty of space for our crew of people. A specific wing had been designated for bandmembers only. She led us up the stairs. I kept my grin to myself as she showed us the four bedrooms. They were nice rooms with large four poster beds. We dropped our suitcases in our individual rooms as she watched us.

"There is a cook who will have an evening meal prepared around 7." she explained to us as we followed her downstairs. "My understanding is the rest of your group will arrive throughout the day." Roger walked out with her to the car to get some more of our things as I found a telephone. I dialed the number and waited.

"Hello.."

"Hi Winnie....it's Bri....we've arrived safely.." I told her.

"Wonderful dear...I've just put Tiger Lilly down for a nap.." she replied. I smiled knowing Tigs was in good hands.

"You've got the phone number here so call if there is anything you need.." I reminded her. 

"I have the information right here..don't you worry....you two enjoy yourselves..." she told me as we ended the call. Roger returned with more luggage and we headed up the stairs. I took my bag and put it in my own room. The room was warm from sunlight pouring through the lace curtains and the light smell of cedar from the furniture filled my nose. Roger came in a few minutes later as I was hanging some things up in the armoire. He closed my door and then pulled the clothes out of my arms and took my hand. He walked me over to the bed and pushed me down on it.

"I told Freddie and Deacy to not disturb us when they arrive.." he told me as he pressed his lips to mine in a sweet kiss. I instantly pulled him into my arms and he smiled at me as I kissed him back and rolled him onto the bed with me.

"So I take it you want to fool around?" I asked him teasingly as I hovered over him as he laid back on the mattress. He laughed and slipped his hand in his pocket and pulled out a bottle of lube.

"That's precisely what I want to do.." he told me in a seductive voice. I returned my mouth to his and our kissing quickly grew heated. His mouth was warm and sweet and I slipped my tongue in for a better taste. Roger started moaning as I pressed myself against him on the bed. Our hips joined as I pressed into him and I could feel how hard he already was. As hard as me. Roger pushed me up and then rolled me on my back. He straddled me and leaned down and began kissing me again with a fervor that I quickly caught up to. It had been a long time and we were both feeling the pull of desire. I wrapped my arms around his neck as we devoured each other's mouths. Roger grinded his hips and cock against mine and I moaned at the sensation. The feel of his weight on top of me was something I missed. He moved his mouth from mine and ran his lips and tongue across my throat as he turned my head to one side to better access my neck. 

"Been too long.." Roger groaned at me while he reached down to tug at my shirt hem. I pulled my hands from his neck and helped him lift my shift up and off me as I smiled at him. We laughed lightly as we stopped to strip off our clothes. Kissing was quickly resumed and both of us began running our hands all over our bodies and breathing heavily. Roger had moved down between my legs and grabbed the lube. He spilled some into his palm and worked it over all his fingers. He took my cock in one of his hands. He stroked me gently as he kissed and nipped at my stomach and hips. It tickled a bit and I squirmed happily as he teased me with his tongue and teeth. I felt his other hand between my cheeks as he nestled a finger gently inside me. He moved his mouth over and began sucking and licking my head. It was a true tease and I put one of my hands in his hair and tugged at him to encourage him to keep going. 

"Mmmm..so good babe.." I murmured to Rog as he took me in his mouth and worked his way down. He added another finger to his play with my bottom. It was heavenly and my body tingled with the promise of a climax. When Roger hollowed out his mouth on me and sucked hard, I gasped and my hips thrusted off the bed and his fingers slipped out of me. It felt so fucking good. I pulled him off my cock as the tension in my groin told me I was close. He moved back up my body and hovered over me with a smile. He wiped at his sweaty brow to clear his hair away from his eyes.

"You're too good Rog.." I whined as I laughed and pressed my mouth back against his. We kissed some more and Roger pulled back and looked at me.

"Sit up against the headboard...wanna be close to you..." he told me and I knew what he wanted. I scooted up the bed to sit and settled my legs as Roger moved over and climbed into my lap. He handed me the lube and I opened it to wet my fingers. He stopped me.

"I'm all ready..." he whispered to me in a lusty voice. I grinned at his preparedness and grabbed his bottom with my hands. I felt the plug snugly inserted inside him and chuckled at him. "Been wanting this all day..." he told me as he sat in my lap and shared a look of love and lust. So that's why he was so chipper today!

"I love it when you're horny Rog.." I teased and placed my hands on his hips as I nipped at his collarbone. We kissed some more as Roger got comfortable straddling my hips. He signaled me with a nod and I reached down and gently pulled out the plug from his soft pink bottom. I lubed my cock up and Roger lifted himself up a bit as I guided myself inside him. Roger slowly slid himself down on me and rested his hands on my shoulders. I kissed him softly as he got comfortable and began moving against me. Our bodies took over and began moving together as we held each other and shared lazy lust-filled kisses. My back was hot against the headboard and I felt perspiration forming on my scalp. The room was warm and our close contact with our bodies generated a lot of extra heat. I ignored any discomfort to focus on the pleasure I was getting from my lover who was joined to me. We slowly worked up to a faster pace together.

"So beautiful..." I told Roger as my compulsion to fill him up made me grab his hips and thrust. Roger and I both breathed out in gasps as I slammed into him and held him taut against me. I went to take his cock in my hand but he stopped me and put my hand back on his hip. I pressed my face into his chest and neck as my body tensed and I came deep inside him. I stilled myself and held him tight while I rode out my orgasm. "Fuck....so good...so good.." I choked out the words; breathless at the feel of holding him and loving him. I kissed him sloppily as I released my tight hold on him. He giggled at me and slowly pulled himself off of me. I helped him as he moved onto the bed.

"It's my turn with you babe..." Roger told me. I raised my eyebrows at his request and understood now why he didn't want me touching him while I got off. I scooted down from my sitting position and Roger got me to roll onto my stomach. I nestled my head in the pillows as he grabbed one and stuck it under my hips. I got comfortable as Roger got between my legs and spread them a little and inserted a lubed up finger. I was already relaxed from his earlier play and he quickly worked me open as he nestled my back with kisses. My cock got hard again from his attention to my prostate with his fingers.

"You ready? " he asked me as I laid my head on its side to watch him. I nodded to him and he patted my thighs with his hands. "Get on your knees.." I did as he ask and positioned myself on my hands and knees as Roger ran his hand across my back and hip and pressed kisses to my bottom. He bit me gently at the spot where my tiny heart tattoo was and I giggled as he pressed his body up against me and held my hips. He slipped a hand away to guide himself and I inhaled as he entered me. I was sensitive all over from my first orgasm and him filling me up felt riveting. Roger finished settling inside me and I motioned for him to move. I braced my hands and clenched the bedsheet as he started with slow gentle thrusts. I let out my breath; savoring his movements.

"Fuck Bri....so tight..god!...love you.." he gasped at me as he started moving harder and faster into me. His aim adjusted and soon he was hitting my sweet spot. I could feel the beginnings of another orgasm and was overwhelmed with the sensation of it building. He leaned over my back and slipped his arm around my middle to hold me as he rammed me. It almost hurt but didn't and felt so intense as he reached for my shoulder to get some more traction and pounded into me. He partially lifted me up from the mattress as he took hold of my hair and clenched some in his hands. He pressed his mouth against my shoulder and neck and bit at me as he gasped and rammed me hard. I felt myself explode with another orgasm and we both grunted at his final movements against me before he came hard and grabbed me tightly around the waist. He gasped and collapsed against me as I felt him finish. I fell forward a bit onto the mattress; feeling spent. He went down with me; still inside me. We both sighed with relief at how good we felt. I loved the feeling of Roger's body sprawled across my back. The room was hot and we were both sweaty but being connected with him was so wonderful.

"That was so fucking good!" Roger announced breathily to me as he slipped out of me and moved off of my back. He kissed my shoulder and then got up from the bed. I turned myself around to get off the bed as well. He took the shirt he wore earlier and wiped himself off with it. He reached over and wiped me down. "This room is an oven!" he told me as he tossed the shirt in the corner and walked over to the window. He opened it up and stood there to let the breeze cool him off. I walked up behind him to get my own relief and stood behind him. We looked out the window that faced the wooded area of the grounds and once I felt we had cooled off a bit I wrapped my arm around him and kissed his head. 

"How about a shower and a nap?" he asked me as we relished the breeze coming through the window.

\--------------------------------

"Knock knock!" I heard Freddie shouting through the closed door of my room. I had been laying with Roger in bed enjoying a nap when Freddie rudely interrupted our slumber. I groaned a little as I noticed the light wasn't as bright coming in from the window. How long had we been asleep?

"Open up you two.." I heard Deacy bark at us from the hallway and someone banged on the door which woke Roger. He grimaced at being pulled from his nap and snarled at the door.

"For fucks sake Deaks.." he whined to him as he pulled the bedsheet over his head and rolled into me.

"Dinner will be on the table in ten minutes..." Freddie shouted and I heard them mutter to each other. It got quiet so I assumed they left. I pulled at the sheet covering Rog's head and removed it to look at him. He smirked at me and leaned up to kiss me. I kissed him back.

"Wanna go for round two?" he asked me as he moved his hand down towards my crotch. I swatted at his arm and moved to get up.

"Get up!" I scolded him with a laugh and crawled out of bed. Roger laughed as well as we both found our clothes and checked our hair in the dresser mirror. I washed up at the bathroom sink and ran a damp hand through my curls as Roger used the toilet beside me. We headed downstairs and I could smell the fragrance of fresh baked bread. My stomach growled and we arrived at the dining room to find Freddie and Deacy talking and enjoying a glass of wine.

"Nice of you to come out and play.." Fred said to us derisively as we took a seat and Roger poured us each a glass of wine. Roger flipped him off as he took a sip of wine. Deacy laughed as a middle aged woman with an apron wrapped around her waist walked in pushing a cart with food on it.

"Good evening gents..." the woman commented as she laid out the bowls of meat and vegetables along with a cheese and fruit tray on the table. She added a plate with a loaf of bread and smiled at us all. "I heard one of you doesn't eat meat so I hope there's plenty to choose from.." she told us as she looked at each of us. I raised my hand to acknowledge her efforts.

"It's me...thank you for all of this...it looks delicious.." I thanked her and she got behind the cart to leave.

"My name is Belinda and I'll be making your meals most days...enjoy!" she told us as she left the room. We each took our plates and served ourselves from the dishes and I sliced up the bread for us all to share. 

"So what's the countdown at Deacy?" I asked him as we enjoyed our meal. He finished chewing and smiled at me.

"It's actually 30 days from today!" he remarked. I smiled at him and the others did as well. We were waiting for Ronnie to reach her due date and deliver their little one. It was the home stretch. "I'm calling her after we eat to see how she's doing.." he told us. 

"Maybe the baby will be late and be born on your birthday.." Roger commented. Deacy looked alarmed at the suggestion.

"I don't think I could take her being pregnant that much longer.." he replied and grimaced. "I don't know if I want her pregnant ever again.." he advised us. I shared a look of concern with Freddie.

"Is she having a difficult time?" I asked Deacy and he smirked a little and shook his head.

"I wouldn't say that..." he remarked. "She's just horny as fuck!" he revealed to us all and we all started laughing. "I was grateful for this getaway.." he told us. "I'm exhausted!" he complained. We all kept laughing as Deacy told us about her incessant needs since his return from touring.

"Well enjoy it while it lasts..." Roger advised him with caution. "Once the baby's here you won't be getting any.." he warned him. Deacy looked uncertain but Roger assured him.

"Trust me...we know.." he told him and then glanced at me. I nodded recognition of it to Deacy. A baby in the house is a cock blocker. 

"I'm assuming you took care of that deficiency upon your arrival here today?" Freddie asked us with a smug grin. I felt a faint blush at his direct reference to our sexual activities.

"Yes..." I answered with amusement as Roger made a lecherous face and hand gestures to confirm the fact to the table. My little pervert!

"Well speaking of sex and all things amore.." Freddie said aloud to us all. "I think I've written my first bona fide love song!" he announced. We all looked at him with surprise as he sat back in his chair and laced his fingers behind his head. "I therefore challenge each of you to do the same!" he proposed. I shook my head and wanted to dispel any expectation from him regarding his challenge.

"Count me out Fred...I don't seem to grasp the traditional format of a love song.." I replied. He waived a dismissive hand at me.

"I'll be the judge of what constitutes a love song dear...not tradition.." Freddie argued. I sighed at him.

"Well alright then...I'll see what I can come up with.." I replied. I looked over at Roger and Deacy who seemed to be considering their ability to rise to the occasion. Deacy seemed more confident than Roger.

"I'm in!" Deacy chimed in to the conversation. Freddie beamed at him and slapped his arm.

"That's the spirit!" he applauded him with a smile and then glanced over at Roger.

"Well don't look at me...." Roger barked at him. "The last thing I was passionate about in a song was purple shoes!" he joked. We all chuckled at him as Roger poured some more wine and enjoyed making everyone laugh.

"I know you love many things in your life Roger....you can at least give it a shot!" Freddie countered back to him. Freddie looked at us all and then stood up from his chair.

"Let the competition commence!" he shouted and grabbed an un-opened bottle of wine and took off.

\--------------------------------

So we all disappeared to different parts of the house to write. Roger and I went to our rooms and grabbed our songwriting notebooks. We kissed each other and he headed outside for some fresh air and supposed inspiration. I found a spot in a library with a window seat and got comfortable. The first thing I did was review my existing song ideas. I came up empty as far as a love song goes. I did remind myself that I wanted to work on several ideas from my book. One in particular was about that nightmare I used to have so often. The one about the bridge and the flooding. The one with the wise man. I hadn't had that dream in almost a year and I felt disconnected enough from it now to make sense of it for a song. I would look at that tomorrow. For now I tried to think of something that would work for a love song. 

I sat for over an hour trying to will myself to write anything. I came up blank! I decided to take Freddie's advice to Roger and think of the things in my life that I love. Of course, the first thing that popped in my head was Roger. It was quickly followed by Tiger Lilly. I smiled as I thought about her and realized I already missed her. My heart panged for a moment. I knew we would see her soon so I tried to think of my other loves. My passions. I came up with my family, my friends, music, photography, reading and astronomy. The only thing that came to mind was the refrain from a song from the Sound of Music.

'These are a few of my favorite things..'

Fuck! This wasn't helping. I got up from the window seat and decided to take a walk. I was thirsty so I headed to the kitchen and heard some voices as I entered. The cook was talking to a man about her age. They seemed engrossed in a bit of a tiff so I decided to turn around and leave. I overheard their lover's spat though and found their banter a little intriguing. I lingered in the hallway and was heartened when I heard the man tell the cook.

"You call me sweet...like I'm some kind of cheese.." he told her sarcastically. I couldn't help but smirk at the line and found some unexpected inspiration. I kept reciting words I heard them both say to each other as I hurried back to my spot in the library. I got settled and opened my notebook.

'You call me up and feed me all your lines..'

I started writing and could begin to hear a melody forming in my head.

\------------------------------

Roger's POV

I had always wanted to write a great love song. I loved so many by other artists and wished I could pen one for the ages. My attempts at fashioning one in my short writing career had been fruitless. I had once arrived at a line I thought worthy of more development. 'You don't need nobody else but me.' It was something I came up with after thinking about my relationship with Brian. I had written it down ages ago and never gone back to it. I sat and stared at the line while sitting on a lounge chair by the pool. I tried to come up with some lines that went with it and talked about loving him. Telling him that I was all he needed in his life. While I felt strongly about it, the words didn't come. I grew frustrated and fought a compulsion to tear the page from my book. 

I heard a car coming into the drive so I decided to enjoy the distraction and left the poolside for the parking area. I found John Harris had arrived in his own little sports car. I walked over to him as he parked and smiled at him.

"How was your ride up here?" I asked him as he turned the engine off and looked at me.

"Pretty good..." he remarked and he moved to get out of the car. "Especially once I got away from my girlfriend.." he added with a hint of disdain for her. I remembered her from Deacy's wedding and grinned at him.

"She still giving you grief about your car?" I asked and he nodded and laughed.

"Yeah...she still claims I love it more than her.." he answered and we both laughed.

"She should know you can't get between a man and his automobile.." I argued and John nodded agreement.

"I may have to find a new girlfriend.." he told me as he pulled his suitcase from the boot. "Anyway....show me around.." he asked. I tucked my notebook under my arm and pointed towards the house. 

\-------------------

I got John settled in and tried to refocus on my song. I had nothing. I gave up for the night and went looking for Brian. I found him in the library and it was clear he was on to something. His head was down and his hand was scribbling something in his notebook. He had a smirk form on his face as he wrote and I wondered what he was thinking. I wasn't going to interrupt him so I slipped away. I was thirsty and wandered around until I found the living area and saw Deacy having a drink with his roadie Peter and John Harris. They had started some drinking game involving guessing the names Deacy and Ronnie had picked for their unborn child. It sounded semi entertaining so I headed over to play. 

The next morning

I woke up to the loud sound of a rooster crowing and groaned as I went to cover my eyes with my arm. The light seemed bright and I slowly removed my arm and peered around me. I was outside! What the fuck? 

I looked to my side and saw Deacy asleep in a pool lounge chair next to me. His mouth was slackened and drool had dried on his chin. He was completely out. I would have laughed but I quickly realized I felt pretty rough myself. My mouth was like cotton and my head throbbed. I groaned again as I peered around. John Harris was in another lounge chair and was also fast asleep. He was in his underwear and had an empty whisky bottle in his lap. I guessed we had over done it last night. I tried to remember how we ended up at the pool. It was all a bit foggy. I thought about getting out of the lounge chair but didn't get up right away. I found my cigarettes and gave in to the impulse to have one. I fumbled for the lighter and got it lit. I sat and smoked for a minute before I noticed some dishes and my sneakers on the ground. I smashed my cigarette out and decided to get up. I picked up my stuff and started to walk towards the house. I really needed to pee! I got to the patio entrance and luckily it was unlocked. I went in and found the downstairs toilet and relieved my aching bladder. 

I headed up the stairs and got to my room. I noticed Brian's door was closed. I didn't want to disturb him so I went and collapsed on my own bed. I tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep. To sleep off my blossoming headache. I couldn't sleep. I felt stiff and dehydrated. I groaned and got off the bed and went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. The warm water felt great as I slipped in to try to wash away my hangover. I stood under the shower head for a while and started cleaning up once I felt a little more human. I dried off when I finished and wrapped the towel around me and headed for my room. I heard someone speaking downstairs and realized it was Brian's voice. I walked down the stairs and saw him talking into the phone. He was smiling as he walked back and forth holding the cord in his hand. It reminded me of him pacing back and forth with a guitar cord trailing behind him on stage. It made me smile. I wondered who he was speaking to and then heard him start softly singing.

'Twinkle twinkle little star how I wonder what you are..'

I leaned against the wall on the stairs and smiled as I listened to him serenade my daughter on the phone. My baby. Our baby.


	18. Love of My Life - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay! I am writing from Deacy's POV for the first time...feeling a little intimidated right now but I wanted the challenge.

2 July 1975

Deacy's POV

"Are you sure about this Ronnie?" I asked her again if she was confident she could travel right now. She was due in 4 weeks and I didn't want her to have the baby on a car ride to the country. I also didn't want her to give birth in a rented house an hour from London proper. As nice as it is here, it's not a hospital. But you can't tell her what to do. She has her own mind. It's one of the reasons I love her. She can think for herself.

"I'll be fine! You and Roger will be here in a few hours. I'll be ready sweetie!" she assured me. I hung up with Ronnie and went to find Roger. We were driving to London to pick up Ronnie and Tiger Lily for a long weekend at the farm with us. I was missing my wife and I know Brian and Roger must be missing the baby. You wouldn't know it from the way Roger has been acting though. Ever since we got here it seems like he has been spending a lot of time drinking and hanging out with John Harris, our chief roadie, and a few other crew members. We have each enjoyed a night or two of revelry since we arrived but Roger is trying to make every night count for some reason. I'm surprised at how amiable Brian has been about it. He has certainly been focused on song writing instead of partying. Freddie has as well. 

I haven't told anyone but I had already written my song for the new album before we arrived. I didn't even tell Freddie! He will be so surprised when I show it to him. I have to say he gets some credit for it. Not only has he been a constant source of encouragement about writing, he was part of the inspiration for my lyrics. It was odd writing the song. It had started out as a conscience effort to write something for Ronnie. She has been through so much lately with getting pregnant unexpectedly and then planning a quick wedding. I have been busier but not as stressed. As I formed the words in my head and wrote them down, I could feel a piece of my feelings for Freddie come out on the page. When I finished the lyrics, it seemed on the surface that it was a tribute to my wife. I think if you know me better and know my recent past, you would see other things comes to light. I hope Freddie doesn't notice. But then, part of me wants him to see it there. I'm not sure I have the courage to tell him. He's so much braver than me.

"You ready to go?" Roger asked me as I walked out to his car. He was leaning against it smoking a cigarette. I nodded and headed for the passenger door. We both got inside and he quickly started the engine. "I'm hoping we can miss the heavy traffic.." he commented to me as we took off towards the main road. We were quiet as he navigated us out of the countryside and onto the motorway heading towards London. The top was down on the car and we both had on hats to keep our hair from blowing in our faces. It was a nice day and it was sunny and bright out. Roger had on sunglasses as he drove. I was relying on the visor of my cap for some shade. I looked over Roger's car and admired it. I envied him when he got it. I was a bit jealous when I found out Brian basically bought it for him. It must be nice to have such a generous boyfriend. Brian seems to give Roger a lot. I'm not saying Roger is spoiled it just seems like he gets most of the things he wants in life. A sports car, a nice flat, loads of clothes, even a beach holiday. I know Brian loves Roger and would do anything for him. I would like to think that Roger would do the same. He was certainly there for Brian when he got ill. He took good care of him. I just hope Roger appreciates what he has. I guess I find them interesting as a couple. Always have. I have to admit that throwing a baby in their mix certainly has challenged their status quo. 

"I'm getting a car after the baby comes.." I told Roger as we headed north on the motorway. He glanced at me with keen interest. 

"That's great Deaks! I suppose you'll have to get a family car, huh?" he asked me. I nodded.

"I was thinking of getting a Volvo....dependable and safe.." I told him. He smirked at my announcement. I know he thought my choice was pretty placid for his tastes. 

"I have to say Deaks...that choice of car represents your life choices lately.." he remarked with a half sneer. I felt a touch of irritation and wondered what he was getting at.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked him. He kept his gaze on the road.

"Dependable and safe?" he said to me with a questioning tone. "Like your marriage and your baby.." he boldly answered.

"What's wrong with that?" I asked him bluntly. I felt heated at his attitude towards my family. What is up with him?

"Nothing...I just..." he didn't finish his train of thought. It was just as irritating as what he had already said.

"Just say what you're thinking!" I told him outright. He glanced over at me and looked a little resentful that he had said anything at all. "You started it Rog....finish it!" I demanded. Roger shifted in his seat and I could see he had grow uncomfortable with his own comments. I started to wonder if this was really about me. Was he speaking about himself?

"Sorry John...I was out of line..." he told me quietly as he looked over to find his cigarettes in the compartment on his dash. I reached over and pulled one out for him and he sat back up as I got it lit for him. He grabbed it with his hand and stuck it between his lips. He seemed more in control as he inhaled on it. "Thanks..." he mumbled to me as he nursed his cigarette and avoided eye contact with me.

"I really think there is something you need to get off your chest Roger...and I'm thinking it's not really about me at all..." I challenged him. He wouldn't look at me and focused on the road and his cigarette. We were silent for a while.

"You're right Deaks!" Roger announced out of the blue. I almost jumped at how loud he spoke. He smashed his cigarette into the ashtray and sighed with the weight of the world. I guess my instincts are good! 

"What is going on with you Rog?" I asked him sincerely.

"I love her okay?" he started talking in a fast tempo and began to rattle of his woes in one fell swoop. "Please know that I love her and I don't wish her gone or dead or anything.." Roger sounded guilty of something before he even said what it was. "I just...I don't want to be a parent Deaks! I don't want this in my life right now!" Roger confessed with passion, all his hidden feelings. "I feel like shit for even thinking this way and I want to be more positive about having her but I just feel overwhelmed and scared and..." he cut himself off. 

"Rog...it's okay to be upset about what happened to you.." I assured him. "You have every right to be angry at Kim. You have every right to be mad that you got stuck in this situation..." 

"I'm fucking pissed is what I am Deaks!" he bellowed and slammed his fist against the steering wheel. I could sense his anger and real dismay at what was done to him. I felt a strong sense of compassion for him. I watched Roger wipe at his eye and realized he was crying. My heart hurt to see the pain that grew on his face. "Fuck!" he muttered as tears started spilling down his face from under his sunglasses. He wiped furiously to clear his vision and I wondered if we should pull over. I looked at the roadside and noticed an exit up ahead.

"Pull off up there.." I told him. He didn't look at me but nodded slightly and slowly veered onto the exit. It was still the countryside and was nothing but fields and roads. He turned off the exit road onto a narrow patch of grass and stopped the car. He stared into a field next to us and I just sat and waited for him to collect himself. He sniffed several times and wiped his eyes with his shirt tail.

"When I had to leave Jim's office that day and take her with me....I felt like my life was taken from me.." Roger spoke in a quiet sad voice. He remained looking out towards the field. "We have everything coming our way Deaks.." he remarked to me as he turned to face me. He smiled with a touch of resentment. "Hit records, real album sales, tours, our money finally situated, a new manager.." he reminded me. I nodded understanding to him. He sighed and laid his head back against the headrest. "So here's our chance to enjoy the rewards of our hard slag these past several years and what do I get?" he asked me. "I get fucking saddled with a kid from someone I hate!" his resentment was on full display and I swallowed at the bitterness he has. "Then she fucking dies on me so I'm stuck caring for her!" he added. There was real anger in his voice. He was certainly struggling with dealing with all of this.

"I know this couldn't have happened to you in any worse of a fashion.." I said to show him compassion. "I wasn't looking for parenthood right now either...at least my circumstances gave me choices and time..." I told him. "I'm sorry yours didn't."

"Thanks Deacy.." he told me sullenly. I know I wasn't any real comfort. I tried to think of the positives for him.

"You're lucky you know...you've got your Mom and sister helping. You've got Brian!" I told him. Roger got a pained look when I said Brian's name.

"The funny thing about all this and Brian..." he remarked to me and laughed with a sense of sarcasm. "We haven't told his parents yet.." he divulged. I was surprised by this information. My experience had been that they were supportive and liked Roger a lot.

"Why not?" I asked with genuine curiosity.

"Oh don't worry....we will...it's just that there is a piece of this situation that you all don't consider...it's one that adds to my ire Deaks..." he commented as he looked back out at the field again. "Whenever we have to explain where Tiger Lily came from...we have to reveal that I cheated on Brian.." he reminded me with a heavy heart. I could understand why he was hesitant to introduce his daughter to the May's. It would raise a lot of questions and possibly impose judgement on him.

"The Mays seem like fairly reasonable people..." I assured him. "I know you're worried what they will think.." He rolled his eyes and laughed at me. 

"I know! You think that I wouldn't care that much about what they'll think.." he remarked to me. "I guess I'm a little surprised at how much their opinion matters.." he confessed. "You know...my Dad doesn't even know about Brian....let alone the baby.." he reminded me.

"But your mothers does and she has been completely supportive.." I argued to him. 

"She has - but I have heard about my treatment of Brian from her on more than one occasion.." he pointed out. I was surprised to hear this. It seemed like he could do no wrong in his mother's eyes. "And I told her that Brian had cheated on me as well.." Roger added to his defense. 

"I'm sure that will blow over...." I assured him. "Brian's parents might express disappointment but they'll forget about it once they are focused on the baby.." 

"Let's remember that Brian is their baby!" Roger remarked to me. "I only got in his father's good graces after Brian nearly died.." Roger told me. 

"At the end of the day Rog...isn't the most important thing that Brian is still here and wants to be a part of this with you....to help you raise her?" I bluntly asked him. He nodded agreement and sighed.

"He is still here.." he agreed. "And he is a better parent than I will ever be.." he told me with a hint of resentment. I felt a sting of my own resentment towards Roger for holding Brian's eagerness to take good care of his daughter against him.

"It's not a competition Rog.." I told him firmly. "Maybe you just need to allow yourself more time to come to terms with it...you'll find your way into fatherhood eventually.." Roger nodded to me again and started the car up.

"I think your right about that...." he told me in a weary tone. "I need to just find a way to be happy about it all...be thankful for what I've got.." he told me in a voice that made me concerned that he wasn't confident he could. He just needs time to adjust. I told myself. Roger pulled back onto the motorway and we headed towards home.

\----------- 

"Is that everything?" Roger asked his mother as he stood at the boot of the car we traded for his sports car. We were taking his and Brian's family car now so we had room for Tigs and Ronnie. We stopped for the baby first. His mother had packed her essentials up and Roger had tucked her playpen, a suitcase and a box of supplies in the boot. 

"There is a bottle made up for her in the bag and I packed it full of nappies and clothes.." she explained as Roger opened the back door of the car and got Tiger Lily situated in her little car seat. He handed her a teething toy to play with since her teeth were coming in. He closed the door and he kissed his mother as we left for my place in Fulham. Ronnie and I had found a larger flat there for rent that would suit our needs. It was an improvement over our dingy former lodgings. We were closer to her family since they committed to help her with care. Her family was never thrilled about my occupation but since we had a few top ten singles and traveled to some pretty exotic places, they have warmed up to my potential. If they only knew I had just considered this a hobby up to the time we had our first record released.

I turned to watch Tiger Lilly as Roger drove to my flat. She had stuck her toy in her mouth and was holding the rounded edge with her little fat fingers. She was drooling a little and her eyes met mine as she chomped down on her toy. She popped the toy out of her mouth and smiled at me.

"Uhh.." she made the sound at me and I didn't know what she meant. 

"Is she saying anything yet?" I asked Roger as he focused on the road. 

"Not real words...just some sounds..." he replied. I wondered what he expected her to call him once she speaks. 

"So..do you want to be called Daddy or Papa or something else?" I asked him with genuine curiosity. He glanced me way and shrugged.

"I hadn't given it much thought.." he told me honestly. "What do you want your baby to call you?" he asked me. I already knew and smiled at him.

"Definitely Daddy!" I told him and he smiled at me. I considered the fact that Tiger Lilly won't have a mother in her life. I quickly thought about Brian since he is Roger's partner in life.

"What is she going to call Brian?" I asked him. He shrugged again.

"Don't know...." he told me. 

"Well if she is getting to the age where she is making sounds...you should probably figure that out.." I suggested. He glanced at me with surprise.

"I guess you're right." he responded. "To be honest....I think I don't want Dad or Daddy.." he remarked to me. "Or father! Way too formal.." he added with a smirk.

"Well she can't call you Roger....that's way too informal.." I joked and we both laughed at the idea of her calling him 'Rog.' 

"I don't hate the name 'Papa..' " he told me casually; thinking about loud. " 'Pops..' "

"Papa Rog!" I laughed at him and he smiled at me.

" 'Daddy Deacy!' " he chimed back. I giggled and turned to see Tigs watching me. She had some drool running down her chin and was smiling at me. 

" 'Uhh..' " she said to me. 'Uhh!' she said it again with more volume. I smiled at her.

"Maybe she's calling you 'Uh' for now.." 

\------------------

"So you think you can have the baby on my birthday?" Roger asked Ronnie as we headed towards Ridge Farm. We had picked her up and she was seated in the back with a pillow behind her sore back and a baby next to her. She rubbed her tummy as she looked at us and it made me smile. Despite being the size of a whale right now, she was completely and utterly beautiful!

"I'll get right on that Rog.." Ronnie told him sarcastically. "Let me check the baby's schedule for you.." she winked at me as she teased Roger. We hit a bumpy patch on the motorway and she held her tummy in one hand and grabbed the door handle with the other. "Oh! Bumps are not fun at this stage!" she remarked as she eyed Tiger Lilly. The baby was giggling and babbling while flaying her arms about and holding tight to her teething ring. My wife just watched her with awe and I did as well. She was a cute baby. How could she not be. She looked just like her Daddy. Or was it Papa?

"You really have to decide on a name for yourself Rog.." I ordered him and he snickered at me as he drove. 

"I'll get right on that..." he replied to ward me off. He sighed and looked at me. "I must just give in and go with Papa.." he announced. I smiled at him and reached over and patted his arm.

"Welcome to parenthood Rog!" I decried. He gave me the first carefree smile of the day and it felt good to see it. 

"So Papa?" Ronnie asked him and Roger laughed.

"Yes, mother to be?" he teased back.

" 'Puh ' !" Tiger Lilly suddenly sounded out to us. We all looked at her. 'Puh!' she said again.

"I believe you're being paged Papa!" I told him. He peered in the rear view mirror and looked at her for a moment.

"Papa!" he told her in a clear high voice. There was silence and he looked back at the road.

'Puh!" she replied and we all laughed.

"Hey Puh!..get a move on with this car!" Ronnie told Roger firmly "I need to pee.." 

\--------------

We arrived back at Ridge farm in one piece and with an empty bladder. We had to stop in the village and a sympathetic shop clerk let my wife use the toilet. As an act of gratitude, we bought some candy and a board game from the shop. We pulled up into the gravel drive and saw Brian coming down the path from the house with a huge smile on his face. He was practically running as he reached the car. Roger stopped the car as Brian opened the back door and reached inside for Tiger Lilly.

"There she is!" he called to her. He unbuckled her and swooped her up in his arms. She giggled at him as he gave her one of the biggest smiles I had ever see Brian make since I had met him. I realized he was truly smitten with this baby. Roger got out of the car and looked around. I guess he was seeing if there were others nearby. He walked up to Brian and kissed him. I found it sweet and Ronnie and I shared a look that told me she thought the same. Brian held Tigs in one arm and on his hip like an old pro as he walked to the boot with Roger.

"Did you have a good trip Ronnie?" Brian asked her as Roger sorted the bags. Ronnie smiled at Brian as she got her purse and tote from the backseat.

"It wasn't too bad..." she commented. "I didn't make it all the way without a toilet stop though.." she remarked and Brian laughed as he took the baby bag from Roger and slung it on his shoulder. I walked over and got Ronnie's suitcase and we headed towards the house.

"Hey Tigs.." Brian cooed to the baby in his arms and nestled her into his side. He ran his hand over her head and then kissed her hair. "I missed you poppet!" he told her softly. Roger caught up to Brian as they made their way into the house.

"Did Roger ever decide what Tiger Lilly is calling Brian?" Ronnie asked me as we followed behind them but out of earshot.

"No...not that he said.." I replied. She gave me a look that told me she was thinking the same thing I was.

"Maybe he should consider Mommy!"


	19. Love of My Life - Part 3

6 July 1975

Ridge Farm Surrey England

Brian's POV

"So Brian....have you written a love song yet?" Freddie asked me as he came into the kitchen. I was the first one up this morning since I needed to get Tiger Lilly her breakfast. I was feeding her a bowl of rice cereal and some bananas at the kitchen table. The farm had a high chair we were using. Freddie poured himself a cup of tea from the brown betty and had a seat across from me.

"Morning Fred.." I answered and remained focused on getting the food in her mouth. I got the spoon in and she took it. Success! I smiled as I looked up at Fred; who was watching me with a smirk on his face. "Yes...I do have something.." I finally responded. Freddie giggled at me. "What? I asked him. Why was he looking at me that way?

"Look at you!" he snickered and sipped his cup of tea. "You're practically a mother!" he teased. 

"I'm just feeding her Fred...it's not a gender specific duty.." I reminded him. He did an exaggerated eye roll and reached over for the newspaper. I let his comment go and resumed my focus on Tiger Lilly.

"So is your love song about Rog?" he asked me. I shook my head. Freddie looked surprised and then glanced at the baby. "Is it about our little princess?" he asked me in a sweet voice.

"No..." I told him firmly. He seemed puzzled and stuck his chin in his hand as his elbow rested on the table.

"Well whose it about?" he asked. I smiled at him.

"No one really..." I explained. "I couldn't come up with something and was going to give up. I happened to hear the cook having an argument with someone; I'm assuming her boyfriend or husband. Their word exchange gave me an idea." I explained. Freddie gave me a disappointed look.

"Well that's not very romantic at all!" he berated me and flipped open the newspaper to read it. I shrugged at him and finished up feeding Tigs. I wiped her mouth with the damp cloth and cleaned up her hands. I walked over and washed my dishes and returned to the table. I pulled Tigs from the high chair and looked over at Freddie.

"We're getting some fresh air if you want to join us.." I told him as I picked up the blanket and bag I had brought with me and started out the patio door with Tigs in my arms. She was grabbing at my shirt and pulling on it and then butted her head into my chest. I felt a little winded.

"I might be out after I finish my tea.." Freddie replied. I walked across the patio to the lawn area and held Tigs in one arm and worked to spread out the blanket with the other. I got it laid out and bent down and sat Tigs in the center of it on her bottom. I knelt down and sat next to her and pulled out some toys and a book from her bag. "Here you go poppet.." I placed the plastic drum Roger had got her down in front of her and handed her the wooden spoon she had been using a drumstick. She looked at it in her hand and slapped it against my leg and then the ground. 

"Hit the drum Tigs..not me.." I told her softly. She looked up at me and kept hitting my leg with the drum.

"She is my daughter after all..." I heard Roger say with a dash of sarcasm as he walked up to us both. He was smirking at me as he set down the guitar case he had with him and took a seat next to us. "Morning Brimi..." he told me and leaned over and kissed me. He patted Tigs on the head but didn't kiss her. It made me a little sad. 

"Buh!" Tig announced and looked at me. "Buh!" she said again. Roger smiled at her and then looked at me.

"That's your name!" he told me and picked up Tigs and sat her in his lap facing my way. He took her hand and pointed it at me. "Brimi.." he said to her a few times. She looked up at him with curious eyes. Roger tilted his head to see her and laughed. 

"Buh!" she replied to him and he smiled open mouthed at her. Delighted at her sounds.

"That's right! Brimi!" he told her. He looked over at me and had a huge smile. He looked so cute! So happy and content at the moment.

"Why are you teaching her that?" I asked him. 

"It's your name.." he told me with a tone that implied I was an idiot.

"I believe my name is Brian.." I replied curtly. He smiled softly at me and caressed my cheek.

"But you're Brimi to me.." he told me sweetly. I leaned over and kissed him.

Is that who I'll be to her then? Brimi?" I asked him with a hint of uncertainty. It felt a bit silly for her to call me Brimi. But, I hadn't thought a lot about what she would call me. I'm not her father. I'm not her mother. Who am I to her really? 

"It's just an idea.." Roger told me and sounded a little disappointed at my apparent lack of enthusiasm. He reached down and started playing with the sleeve of her shirt. I felt bad for ruining this moment for him. I reached over and lifted his chin.

"Brimi it is!" I told him confidently. He smiled and moved Tigs out of his lap and sat her down. He reached over to get the guitar case open and Tigs pushed up on to her hands and knees and started crawling towards Roger. I moved Tigs closer to me to give him more room as he pulled the guitar out and positioned it against his chest. I watched as he tuned it.

"Did you come up with something?" I asked him as I pulled Tigs into my lap so she couldn't crawl over to him while he played. He nodded as he finished with the last string.

"Yeah....it's even a love song....well sort of..." he told me as a smirk formed on his mouth. I was immediately curious about what he wrote and leaned forward a little with anticipation. 

"Well...go ahead then.." I encouraged him. Roger found the cord he wanted and started strumming.

"I'm going to play it for you but you have to listen to the whole thing, okay?" he announced. "You can't say anything until I've finished.." he ordered.

"Okay....go on.." I told him with a eager grin. I was instantly curious why he said this to me. He found the pace he wanted and I quickly realized his song was almost in a waltz time signature. I felt my head move with the tempo as he started singing.

The machine of a dream, such a clean machine

With the pistons a pumpin',...and the hubcaps all gleam  
When I'm holding your wheel  
All I hear is your gear  
With my hand on your grease gun

Mmm, it's like a disease, son

Did I hear him say his hand was on my grease gun?

I'm in love with my car,...gotta feel for my automobile  
Get a grip on my boy racer roll bar  
Such a thrill when your radials squeal

Told my girl I'll have to forget her

Rather buy me a new carburetor

So she made tracks saying this is the end, now  
Cars don't talk back they're just four wheeled friends now

When I'm holding your wheel  
All I hear is your gear  
When I'm cruisin' in overdrive  
Don't have to listen to no run of the mill talk jive

I'm in love with my car...gotta feel for my automobile  
I'm in love with my car ....string back gloves in my automolove

I sat speechless as he finished the song. It was not what I was expecting and wasn't sure what to say. He looked at me intently and a frown formed on his face.

"You hate it!" He whined to me. I tried to have an encouraging look on my face as I protested his words. 

"I don't hate it..." I started. "It's jut really different. It's...." I paused for too long. He got a scowl on his face and moved to get up from the blanket. I tried to reach out to stop him but he waived a dismissive hand at me. He shoved the guitar over and stood up. "Oh C'mon Roger!" I pleaded to him. He looked irritated and stood over me and Tigs.

"I worked on that song all fucking night!" He shouted. Without thinking I responded.

"Were you drunk when you wrote it?" I said meaning to tease but it came out wrong and he gave me a shitty look.

"Fuck you!" He roared at me and took off towards the recording studio.

"Rog!" I called after him. He was walking fast and his body language told me he was pissed off. I decided to let him cool off so I didn't follow him. I couldn't have any way because all the shouting scared Tiger Lily and she started crying. I snuggled her close and rubbed her back.   
"It's alright poppet..". I told her in a soothing voice. "It's my fault..." I said to her. "I made your Papa mad..." I explained. I kept rubbing her back and talking to her until she calmed down a bit. I got up from the blanket and left it there as I headed inside the house. I needed the toilet and looked around for someone to watch her for a minute. I heard the piano being played and knew it was Freddie. I went to the music room and found him working on a song. He started singing as I walked in.

"Seaside....whenever you stroll along with me.."

I walked up to the side of the piano and he saw me and jumped. 

"Shit!" He shouted and stopped playing. He looked startled and I felt bad for scaring him.

"Give me a heart attack why don't you..." he muttered to me sarcastically and patted his hand on his chest.

"Sorry Fred!" I told him. "I didn't mean to disturb you but I need someone to watch her for a minute...need the toilet ..." I explained. 

"It's alright..". He replied and looked at Tigs. "C'mon princess...let Uncle Freddie have you while mummy goes pee..." he teased. 

"I'm not her mummy Fred.." I argued as I handed her to him and he sat her in his lap on the piano bench.

"Well..where is Daddy at? Shouldn't he be helping you?" He asked me as I headed towards the toilet.

"He's not speaking to me at the moment.." I answered as I walked out. I went to the toilet and came back to find him singing to Tigs and playing with one hand. A talent Freddie has in spades. He plays better with one hand than I do with both. 

"I feel like dancing...in the rain...can I have a volunteer?" He saw me walking up and smiled as he kept playing. "Just keep right on dancing...what a damn jolly good idea!" 

I laughed at his playful melody and irreverent lyrics. He kept singing and holding the baby while I stood and watched. He finished with a flourish and laughed which made Tiger Lily giggle. I clapped applause at him and she started clapping at him in her own way. Freddie handed her back to me and bowed from his seated position.

"I'm glad to have entertained you princess..." he told her sweetly. He looked at me with a wry smile. "Now why is the love of your life not speaking to you?" He asked me with curiosity. I smirked at him.

" I may have laughed at his new song..". I confessed. Freddie scoffed at me. 

"Brian...how horrid!" He proclaimed. "You need to go find him and apologize at once!" He ordered. He shooed me out of the room. "Leave before you laugh at mine...then you'll really see someone get pissy!" he argued. 

"But I love your song..." I told him sincerely. "It's charming.." he looked touched at my words and then quickly dismissed me.

"Save those words for loverboy..." he chided and turned back to the piano as I walked out. "Come back in two hours so we can talk about the album.." he added and I heard him singing again as I walked to the patio door.

"Meantime...I ask you to be my valentine.."

\------------------

Roger's POV

"Hello.." I had called my mother back as John Harris has taken a call from her earlier. She said for me to call right away. I was concerned what it was about. I've had a few too many bad phone calls of late and didn't have a good feeling about this one.

"It's me Mum...John said you called.." I replied.

"Roger dear...it's bad news I'm afraid.." she started to say and the all too familiar knot in my stomach twisted as I swallowed and waited to her what other misfortune was headed my way. "I spoke with Aunt Carole today and she has to have surgery in August. It can't wait and she needs my help with the boys..." she explained. Well fuck!

"Is she okay?" I asked and tried to sound like I cared at the moment. I did care but was feeling pretty overwhelmed at yet more news about something not going my way. 

"She's having a hysterectomy.." she told me solemnly. "You don't want the details but she can't put it off any longer.." she explained. I did feel bad for my Aunt but cursed her rotten timing. "I'm sorry I won't be here to stay with Tiger Lily while you're in Wales." she apologized to me. I tried to avoid making any sounds that would make her feel bad. Her sister needed her. My Aunt had been there for my mother when my dad left. It's what siblings do. 

"Don't worry about that....I'll figure something out.." I told her confidently as I panicked inside. Nothing seemed to go right when it came to the baby. I just couldn't win. I sighed inside and wondered if she would even be there for Tigs' birthday. "When do you have to leave? Will you be there for Tigs' birthday?" I asked her with genuine concern that she would miss it.

"I'll leave the day after....I wouldn't miss that for anything.." she told me sweetly. I smiled for the first time since I had walked away from Brian earlier today. At least she would be there.

"Good...I would hate for you to miss out.." I replied. "Was there anything else?" I asked as I glanced at the clock. I knew I was expected for a meeting about the album. 

"No...that's all. I just wanted you to have as much notice as possible.." she told me. I smiled at her consideration. She really had been a great help. 

"I appreciate it...look...I have to go...we're having a meeting.." I explained. 

"Right dear...well...I'll see you soon then.." she answered. "Goodbye.." she added and hung up.

FUCK! I cradled the phone and left the kitchen. I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep from hitting the wall as I made my way to the stairs. I went up to get my notebook and stopped in the toilet. I was anxious and not in the best mood for discussing songs right now. I relieved myself and washed up at the sink. I splashed some cold water on my face to try and cool down. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror. I felt like I had aged ten years in a matter of months. I felt old and tired and I wasn't even fucking twenty six yet. Shit! My hair and skin seemed dull and I could see bags forming under my eyes. I splashed some more water at my face; wishing it could wipe away how bad I looked. How bad I feel. I grabbed a towel and blotted my skin and tossed the towel as I grabbed my notebook and headed off. 

I headed down the hallway and saw Ronnie carrying Tiger Lilly. It was a handful for her with her giant baby belly. 

"You need some help?" I asked her as she waddled my way. She shook her head. "I'll be alright...she's not heavy...it's just a bit awkward.." she replied. I smiled as she walked past and I heard someone at the piano. I got inside and found Brian sitting at the bench. I instantly felt irritated and my annoyance at him from earlier today returned and settled in my stomach. Freddie saw me come in.

"There he is....we were going to send out a search party.." he told me dramatically. I shot him a look of annoyance.

"I'm not late..." I pointed out and tapped my watch to emphasize my point. Freddie looked dissatisfied. 

"You've been M.I.A. for hours Roger.." he talked to me like he was my mother and it irked me.

"I can always stay missing..." I shot back and turned to leave. 

"Rog...don't leave....Freddie....just relax!" Deacy bellowed at us. He looked concerned that we were headed for an argument. Maybe we are. My fuse is short today and he sure was getting on my wick fast. I glanced at Brian who looked worried but stayed quiet and watched us all. He hadn't protested when I threatened to leave. Was he mad at me? Wait! I'm mad at him. I walked over to an empty chair and sat down with a huff. Freddie glared at me and I glared back.

"So who wants to go first?" Freddie asked us all as he peeled his eyes away from me and looked at the others. 

"I can..." Brian volunteered. I felt relieved I could wait longer. I wanted to cool off a bit. Freddie nodded to him and Brian spread his notebook out. "I've actually got several songs I've been working on..." he commented as he propped the book on the music stand and turned to the piano. "I'll just get it over with and say this is my love song contribution we talked about.." he said mildly as he focused on the piano keys. "It's called 'Sweet Lady'.." I huffed inside. Sweet Lady? Well..it sure wasn't about me then! He started playing some chords and began singing.

You call me up and treat me like a dog  
You call me up and tear me up inside  
You've got me on a lead  
Oh, you bring me down  
You shout around  
You don't believe that I'm alone  
Oh, you don't believe me

Sweet lady  
Sweet lady  
Sweet lady sweet lady oh, stay sweet

You say  
You call me up and feed me all the lines  
You call me sweet like I'm some kind of cheese

Did he just say cheese?

Waiting on the shelf  
You eat me up  
You hold me down  
I'm just a fool to make you a home  
Oh, you really do me

He stopped playing and looked at us all. "I'm still finishing up some lyrics for it." he explained as he sat and watched us for a reaction. It wasn't bad. The cheese line was a bit much, but it was good. I wondered what his inspiration was and for a minute wondered if it was really about me. I know I've been shitty lately. Was he getting a dig at me?

"I like the time signature. Really different word flow....it's good...says something about difficult people...don't you think" Freddie commented to Brian. He didn't sound like he was trying to point out anything derogatory in the lyrics so I felt like it wasn't about me. As far as how Freddie saw it. Brian seemed pleased with the feedback. He glanced at me for a moment and when I didn't say anything he shrugged lightly and switched to Deacy.

"It's good Bri...we can hear it again when you've finished the words.." Deacy told him encouragingly. I knew I had to render an opinion. It was our democratic way. Had been since day one. I swallowed my annoyance at him and tried to keep it about business.

"I like it...a different take on a relationship.." I said to him. He nodded slightly and seemed to be happy I wasn't being shitty to him. I couldn't help myself though and had to make a comment about the line that irked me. "What's the deal with 'cheese?'" I asked him and tried to keep a straight face. He shifted in his seat and looked annoyed.

"I...I heard someone actually say it...like almost an insult.." he explained. He turned to his page and read it.

You call me up and feed me all the lines  
You call me sweet like I'm some kind of cheese

He read it out to us again. I had to admit when he repeated it I could see it made more sense. I really did fit with the song. I nodded understanding to him and he seemed to be satisfied.

"I get it..." I told him in a neutral tone. He smiled at me. I did feel a little better seeing him smile.

"We can wait to hear your other stuff later....now who wants to present next?" Freddie asked us. I looked at Deacy and he squirmed a bit. I wasn't going next. I pointed at him to intimidate him into going next.

"Fine! I'll do it..." Deacy announced and I smirked at him. He shot me a dirty look and walked over to the piano. Brian got up and took Deacy's chair to listen. He didn't have a book with him. He just turned and starting playing without an explanation. 

"I'll just say the words as I go.." he said meekly to us as he looked over at Freddie for encouragement. Deacy doesn't like to sing. He thinks he's awful. Freddie stood up and walked over to the piano and stood next to him. I knew Freddie gave him courage and was grateful he could coax him along. I saw Brian shift a little and I knew he was thinking about their relationship. Deacy kept playing and starting speaking.

Ooh, you make me live  
Whatever this world can give to me  
It's you, you're all I see  
Ooh, you make me live now honey  
Ooh, you make me live

You're the best friend  
That I ever had  
I've been with you such a long time  
You're my sunshine  
And I want you to know  
That my feelings are true  
I really love you  
You're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live

I've been wandering round  
But I still come back to you  
In rain or shine  
You've stood by me girl  
I'm happy at home   
You're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live  
Whenever this world is cruel to me  
I got you to help me forgive  
Ooh, you make me live now honey  
Ooh, you make me live

You're the first one  
When things turn out bad  
You know I'll never be lonely  
You're my only one  
And I love the things  
I really love the things that you do  
You're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live

I'm happy at home  
You're my best friend

Deacy finished playing and speaking and we all looked at him; absolutely gob smacked. Where did this come from? It was so fucking good! I didn't care for the 'happy a home' bit; but still. Wow!

"John...that's amazing!" Brian told him and came up off his chair to go over and commend him. He was smiling at him with admiration and my insides burned. I certainly didn't get the same reaction from Brian when I showed him my song. I felt anger simmer but pushed it away and got up and went over to Deacy.

"That's really good Deaks....you have really improved since Misfire..." I told him sincerely. "It's marvelous.." He beamed at us all and looked sheepish as he shared a glance with Freddie.

"My dear...it's absolutely brilliant!" Freddie cooed to him. "I can't wait to sing it.." he added. Deacy slipped off the piano bench and stole his seat back from Brian. They all turned to look at me. 

"You're up blondie!" Freddie quipped at me.

I suddenly felt like I was auditioning and immediately felt self conscious. I went over and grabbed my notebook and walked over to the acoustic guitar sitting against the wall. I got it out and sat on the piano bench facing everyone. They were all looking at me expectantly. I avoided looking at Brian since I already knew he wasn't keen on it. I cleared my throat.

"It's not a traditional love song for starters..." I pointed out. "Try to keep that in mind when you listen...and be open minded..." I added and glared at Brian as I began strumming. He glanced away from me for a moment and I focused on my notebook. I kept strumming and waited for the right moment to begin. I had a wave of anxiety ride over me and I stopped playing. I felt a little sick and anxious. I hated this feeling. I didn't want to be in the room right now and I didn't want their judgement. I didn't need any more judgement right now in my life. I looked up at Brian who had changed from a neutral look to one of concern. I felt my hands get shaky and I sat the guitar down on the piano bench and bolted out of the room.


	20. Love of My Life - Part 4

Roger's POV

I bolted out the music room and didn't look back. I went upstairs and grabbed my jacket, keys and wallet and took off towards the gravel drive. I got to the car and got inside. I didn't know where I was going. I just couldn't be there anymore. I felt like the world was pressing down on me and I couldn't bear the weight at the moment. I pulled out and turned down the road and headed towards the village. I drove down the main street and saw a pub at the far end of the road. I pulled over and got out and walked to the door. The bar was pretty busy. I hoped I could just disappear inside here for a while. I walked over to the bar and waited for the bartender. A older man wearing a dirty apron came over to me.

"Can I get a whisky?" he nodded and poured my drink. I got out my wallet and paid for it and included extra money. "Keep them coming.." I ordered and he nodded understanding as I found an empty booth off to the side. I slipped in to the privacy and pulled out my cigarettes. After getting it lit, I glanced around the perimeter as I took my first deep inhalation. I felt the soothing sensation pour through me as I gripped the cigarette with my lips. I fingered the coin from my necklace to ground me. It always made me think about the things I liked most about Brian. It helped right now. My whisky tasted good. It would suit me just fine. My cigarette and drink were enjoyed in silence. I closed my eyes as I lit my second.

"Are you staying at the farm?" I heard a female voice ask me. I opened my eyes and saw a young girl watching me from the table near my booth. She was leaning back in her chair and sipping a lemonade. She had a on a pair of blue coveralls and a pink t shirt. Her hair was up in a pony tail and she had frizzy bangs. 

"Yeah...I'm working there..". I confirmed. She looked intrigued to hear this and stood up and walked over and leaned against the opposite side of the booth from me. She cocked her head as she looked at me.

"Are you in a band?" She asked me. I smiled and nodded.

"Yes. We're working on a new album.." she got a huge grin on her face and then looked a little smug.

"I met Charlie Watts once.." she bragged to me. I almost laughed at how proud she looked.

"Did you?" I asked her with a hint of sarcasm. She didn't catch it though.

"Yeah. He was here to see Mr. Andrews. The farm owner." She explained. I knew the owner of Ridge Farm was a former lighting tech and was known in the music business. "I got his autograph!" She boasted.

"That was nice of him to do that..". I answered. She looked at me with an odd expression.

"You look familiar...are you famous?" She asked with curiosity. I wondered how to answer this. I'm certainly not as famous as Charlie Watts. I've been on the telly a few times and have a few hit records. 

"I'm kind of famous..." I replied. Her eyes grew wide. 

"What's the name of your band then?" 

"It's Queen!" I told her. She immediately started singing in a pitchy voice. 

"She's a killah Queen...gunpowdah....gelahtine.." I found her enunciation charming.

"That's us!" I confirmed. She giggled at me and then reached over to her table and grabbed a paper napkin. She walked over and handed it to me.

"Can I get your autograph?" She asked me in a sweet tone.

"Sure.....need a pen though..". She went to the bar and got one. I took it from her and signed my name and put the date and place below it. I handed it to her and she looked it over.

"What's your name?" she asked me as she eyed my handwriting.

"Roger Taylor....I'm the drummer." I explained. She gave me a look of recognition. 

"Did you write that song on the radio?" She asked me. "Killer Queen?" I shook my head.

"No. Our singer wrote that. Freddie...". I clarified to her.

"It's clever! Does he write all your songs?"

"No. Actually...all of us write. We've all had songs on our albums."

"Really?" She asked me and slid into the booth seat across from me. I didn't stop her and ended up talking with her about songwriting and how our band works out our song choices. She was keenly interested and asked some good questions. She wanted to know all about my songs so I told her about my new one. I got her another lemonade and had one as well. I found out she was 15 and her name was Olivia but she went by Liv as she thought it sounded more distinguished. We had a great conversation and I realized I had relaxed and not thought about my problems in a few hours. That's also when I realized the time. Shit!

"Liv...I've got to go....it's been great chatting with you...thanks for your company.." I told her as I found my car keys and scooted out of the booth. "I've got to get back.." She stood up and walked me to the door. 

"Thanks for telling me about your band. About the songs...". She told me. I gave her a hug and she smiled at me.

"It's been a pleasure..". I replied.

"I look forward to hearing your song on the new record. I'll remember the title. I think it's really clever...". She said and it felt good to know someone would appreciate it. I thanked her and returned to the car. I headed back to the farm and got parked. It was dark outside and I went in to the house to find Brian. I checked the kitchen since it was the closest and didn't see him. I didn't find anyone and checked upstairs. Our rooms were empty. I headed out to the barn where the studio was and heard some muffled sound as I got to the door.

"Look at her go!" I heard Freddie exclaim as I went inside. I found the band and several crew members all sitting on the floor in a wide circle and Tiger Lily was in the center crawling around. She was blabbering at everyone and when she reached Deacy he held out his arms and she used them to try and stand up. She wobbled a lot but stood up and everyone applauded her. I smiled watching her accomplishment and noticed Bri looking at me.

"You're just in time.." he told me and scooted away from the circle to make room for me. I was surprised he wasn't angry about my abrupt departure earlier today. I went over and sat down next to him. I leaned in close to ask him what they were doing. 

"What's going on?" I asked him as he kept his eyes on the baby. He looked at me with a silly grin on his face.

"She's been trying to stand on her own..." he explained. "They all started a pool to see when she walks and everyone made a bet." I laughed at the ridiculous notion of betting on a baby's milestone for fun and profit. Then again...it was something different to do. It certainly was making the best of a bad situation.

"Any slots left in the pool?" I asked and Brian grinned and pointed to Deacy. I looked over at him holding up Tiger Lily and he noticed me watching. I shouted over to him.

"Can I get in on this?" I asked. He nodded and looked over at a piece of paper laying next to him. 

"You can have the 14th or the 23rd.." he offered. I watched Tiger Lilly standing solidly on her legs and bouncing a little as she giggled. I figured it would be sooner than later.

"The 14th!" I told him. He smiled at me and nodded. 

"You're an optimist!" he told me and I laughed.

We all sat and watched her for a little while longer. She ran out of energy, which is what Brian told me was half of the intention with this activity. 

"It's time to get her to bed.." he announced and everyone whined a complaint.

"Anyone up for scrabble?" Freddie asked. Several people volunteered to play. I stood up as Brian went over and picked up Tiger Lilly from the floor. He came over and handed her to me.

"She needs to be cleaned up before bed.." he told me and walked over to grab her bag and the blanket. I held her around the waist and started off towards the door as he followed me. I got outside and Brian walked next to me and put his arm around me. We walked quietly to the house and went upstairs. I got Tigs cleaned up using some soap and water from the bathroom sink as Brian got her a bottle from the kitchen. He came back and stopped in the hall to talk to Ronnie. I heard them chatting as I sat Tigs down on the bed while I changed clothes. Brian came in as I got on my sleep pants and sat back against the headboard. Tigs crawled up and got in my lap as I took the bottle from Brian to feed her. He had taken care of her all day so it was the least I could do. He looked tired and I felt bad for running off twice today and leaving him alone with her. Tigs got settled and held her own bottle as she laid in my arms securely while she drank. She peered up at me for a while and then looked over towards Brian as he walked around the bed.

"Sorry about today..." I told him quietly as he picked up clothes and toys from around the room. He stopped and looked at me with a small smile.

"I'm sorry about how I reacted to your song...." he replied and resumed picking up our mess. "I don't dislike it...it just took me by surprise.." he explained. He suddenly got a smirk on his face and looked over at me. "My hand on your grease gun?" he asked me with a sardonic tone. I immediately laughed out loud at the expression on his face.

"You caught that...huh?" he kept smiling at me and nodded.

"At first I thought it was a mistake in the way you said it.." he told me and almost blushed. He looked so damn cute right now! "Then I realized you said it that way on purpose.." he added. I laughed and smiled at him as he walked over and kissed me. It felt like we were okay again. I felt lighter than I had earlier today and was actually happy to sit and feed my daughter. Brian finished cleaning the room and changed into some shorts he slept in during the summer. I checked on Tigs and saw her bottle was empty. I pulled it from her mouth and noticed she was sleepy. Brian slipped on an old t-shirt and took the bottle and left to go clean it while I got a fresh nappy and changed Tigs. I found her a clean sleepsuit and got her ready for bed. Brian came back in and brought me a glass of water. The baby was half awake as I laid her down in her playpen to sleep. I got her tucked in and Brian came over to look at her before I turned off the main light in our room. I walked back to the bed and Brian grabbed his bag. 

"I need to go work on a song..." he told me as came over and kissed me. "Don't wait up.." he added as he left the room. I didn't want him to go since we had just had a nice moment together. Today had been a tense one. But I knew he needed to focus on his songs since we had limited time. I got comfortable and found the newspaper and caught up on current events. I looked over the film section and saw that Monty Python's new movie was showing. I wanted to get up and go tell Brian but I didn't want to disturb him. Maybe we could go see it on a date when we get back to London. I looked through the classifieds since I got bored and noted how small the employment section was. It made me grateful to have my salary and my career. Jobs were a scarce commodity these days. I found the section for childcare and looked over the listings. It was interesting to see the requests for nannies and care providers. I suddenly realized I needed one of those...and soon. I knew I had to talk to Brian about this first thing tomorrow. I felt my eyes getting heavy and laid the newspaper aside. I got comfortable and pulled the blanket over me. I fell asleep quickly.

\------------------

I woke up in the middle of the night and felt a little stiff. I was in an awkward position so I moved around to loosen up. I realized Brian wasn't in bed. I looked and saw it was 3am. I got up and checked on Tigs and headed down the stairs to find him. As I got near the music room I heard the piano being played. I assumed it was Brian playing but didn't recognize the beautiful melody. As I neared the door someone started singing.

You will remember

When this is blown over  
And everything's all by the way  
When I grow older  
I will be there at your side to remind you  
How I still love you 

I still love you

It was Freddie singing and playing. I think it was that song he hinted at. 

Oh, hurry back, hurry back  
Don't take it away from me  
Because you don't know what it means to me  
Love of my life  
Love of my life

Freddie was singing his love song and it was so fucking beautiful! I almost felt emotional hearing it. I got up to the door and could see Brian sitting next to Freddie at the piano. They were both looking at Freddie's notes and talking quietly.

"So you see why I don't think any guitar would work for this?" Freddie asked Brian. I watched from just beyond the doorway and leaned against the wall. 

"I do...yeah...it's really best on the piano.." Brian replied. "I think what you played is just remarkable Fred....this song is really something.." Brian complimented him. I had to agree. I only heard part of it but it was wonderful. Between this song and what I had heard from the others, this new album was going to a whole new level for us. 

"What do you think about the harp?" Freddie asked Brian. I saw Brian look surprised and then smiled warmly at Freddie.

"I think it's a nice touch.." he replied. Freddie looked pleased at Brian's enthusiasm. He put his arm around Brian and leaned into him.

"Darling....this album will make us..." he told him confidently. "Between our work and Deacy's new number...we're upping our game." Freddie added. "I'm sure Roger's car song won't be too awful.." Freddie quipped. I felt a little irritated by his comment. Apparently Brian had told him something about my song. I almost walked in the room to say something but stopped myself.

"Hey Fred....be nice about it okay?" Brian asked him. I wasn't sure if this made me feel better or get annoyed with Brian. "I think it has to grow on you...don't go with it on the first listen.." he suggested. I felt some relief at his defense of my song. Maybe it was one of those numbers that you had to listen to a few times. That was okay by me.

"I take it you two made up then?" Freddie asked him. Brian nodded and tapped his pen against the edge of the piano.

"We did..." he told him and sighed heavily. "I apologized for my comment and he told me he was sorry for taking off.." Brian explained to him. He sighed again which bothered me. Brian didn't seem completely at ease.

"But there's something else...isn't there?" Freddie asked him. Brian nodded to him and I saw him wipe at his eye. He was crying. What?

"Bri....are you alright?" Freddie asked him gently. Brian shook his head and wiped at his eyes again. I felt that knot return to my stomach from earlier and wondered if I should walk away. Was I invading his privacy right now? 

"No.." he replied to Freddie. "I'm worried about Rog.." he confessed to Freddie. I instantly felt sick and guilty at the same time. Freddie gave Brian and hug and them held him at arms length.

"What's going on? Is it the baby?" he asked Brian. He didn't say anything and spent a moment collecting himself. My stomach was churning watching Brian get so upset. I hated this.

"It's everything...too much at once I think.." he explained to Freddie as he sighed again. "I know he wasn't prepared for this at all...I know he didn't want this...I know he cares about her.."

""What is it?" Freddie prodded him for more. Brian looked a little guilty about something and focused on his pen in his hand. I suddenly felt like I didn't want to hear what he was going to say. I had a compulsion to leave.

"He never shows her any real affection..." he told Freddie with a sadness that bore straight through my heart. "He doesn't hug her or kiss her or.." Brian told Freddie as I listened and was consumed with guilt. He was right. I don't. I don't kiss her or hug her. I tried to recall my day and my interactions with her. I remembered seeing her with Brian on the blanket. I remembered a desire to kiss him but I never felt the urge to kiss her. What was wrong with me? I rolled my back against the wall and felt tears form in my eyes. She is a baby who needs love and affection and I was failing her.

"She's such an easy going baby.." Brian explained with a touch of affection. "I think she's been pretty easy to take care of.." he commented. He was right. She isn't really fussy. She could be a outright terror but she's not. For a child who was snatched from her mother and turned over to veritable strangers, she's actually been great. I felt a pang of immense regret at my behavior towards my daughter. Why was I acting this way? I closed my eyes and wiped at them. 

"Do you think he's afraid of her?" Freddie asked Brian with complete sincerity. Am I afraid of her? I wasn't sure.

"I'm not sure....I just know he needs to accept she is here to stay and not connecting with her isn't going to make the situation any better..." Brian fretted. He was right again. Was I avoiding a connection with her because I couldn't accept my reality? "I just worry about their bond..." Brian told him with concern. I felt the guilt wash over me again and I silently pulled myself off the wall and headed back upstairs. I had to do something different or my daughter would not feel like I cared about her. I also didn't want this to cause an issue with Brian. I need him more than ever and I feel like I've done nothing but burden him with my daughter's care and my disdain. I got to our room and immediately walked over to the playpen and saw her sleeping soundly. I felt emotional and fought off a wave of tears. I had an impulse to wake her up and hold her and kiss her a thousand times to make up for missed one. I let her sleep. I went to the toilet and washed my face and returned to bed. Tomorrow is a new start! 

\------------------------------ 

Brian's POV

I said goodnight...or...actually...good morning to Fred about 3:30 and headed back to the room. He had come in after playing scrabble and we got lost in work. I quietly went in and checked on Tigs. She was sound asleep. I saw Roger was out as well and I slipped into bed. I pulled the sheet up and checked the clock. I knew Tigs would be up in a few hours and hoped to get a little sleep before her breakfast time. I closed my eyes and was out.

I woke up feeling surprisingly rested. I immediately glanced over to see Roger was gone. I sat up and found an empty play pen. I looked at the clock and saw it was 11:15am. Shit! I bolted out of bed and realized how many hours Tigs must have been awake. I quickly got some clothes and threw them on and headed down the stairs to find Roger and Tiger Lilly. I worried about whether she had a good breakfast and if Roger remembered to change her nappy. I didn't see them in the kitchen or the living room. I was barefoot but walked outside to see if I could find them. It was pretty hot outside and I immediately worried if she might be getting too much sun if she was out here. I headed towards the recording studio and still didn't see them. I felt a touch of panic as I walked the grounds and started calling for Roger. I walked up to the pool and saw Deacy and Ronnie sunbathing but no Tigs or Roger.

"Have you seen Rog or Tigs?" I asked Deacy as I held my hand over my brow to block the sun from my line of vision. 

"They went shopping with Freddie!" he told me. Shopping? 

"Where at?" I asked him and wondered if they remembered to take her bag and that she still took naps and needed to eat lunch on time. 

"Just in the village I think...they left about an hour ago.." he explained. I noticed Ronnie was trying to get off her pool chair and walked over to help her up. She struggled a bit and I pulled to get her on her feet.

"Thanks Bri..." she told me as she caught her breath. "Getting a bit warm to be out here.." she added. "John...I'm going for lie down.." she told him as she took off towards the house while holding both her back and her oversized belly. 

"I'll see you in a bit then.." he told her and looked up at me.

"Can I ask if you know whether he remembered the baby's bag when he went..." I tried not to sound like I doubted my husband but needed to know for my own sanity. Deacy nodded and I felt relief.

"Yeah...he loaded it up before he left..." he assured me. I exhaled and moved to sit down next to him in a lounge chair. "Fancy a swim? It's hot enough today..." Deacy asked me. I shook my head as I felt my stomach rumble. 

"No thanks...need to get some food.." I got back up as Deacy climbed down the pool ladder. I went to the kitchen and got a sandwich made. I sat down at the table to eat it when I heard singing coming from the patio. Freddie came walking in carrying a shopping bag and the baby bag. Roger was behind him carrying Tigs in one arm and a shopping bag in his other. They were both singing the latest Abba song

Love me or leave me

Make your choice but believe me  
I love you  
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

I can't conceal it  
Don't you see?  
Can't you feel it?  
Don't you too?  
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Roger sat his bag down and proceeded to dance around the room with Tigs in his arms and held out her arm out like they were really dancing together. It made my heart swell to watch them. Her eyes were locked on his as he sang and smiled at her. She had an open mouthed grin and some drool ran down her chin as she delighted in her Papa's serenade. Freddie came up and stood next to Roger as they sang the chorus together in perfect harmony. He pressed his cheek to Roger's as they sang to her. I fought out some tears as I witnessed his sweet engagement with his baby. They finished their song and Roger came my way and planted a kiss on top of my head.

"Good afternoon night owl!" he teased me. I guess Freddie told him how late we were up. It amazed me how Freddie could go with such little sleep and seem so energetic and fresh. I looked up at Roger and he kissed my mouth; which made me smile inside and out. He was in such a good mood compared to yesterday. It was heartening to witness.

"Hello Roggie!" I answered. I felt such warmth towards him right now I had to use his pet name. He smiled affectionately at me and moved away towards the high chair in the corner. I stood up and went to help him. "Hey...I can feed her.." I told him and he turned and shook his head.

"I'll do it babe..." he answered. "Go ahead and eat and get cleaned up...I got this.." he told me. He looked confident and seemed to want to do this so I nodded and sat back down to eat. I worked on my sandwich as I carefully watched him set up the chair and set her down. He went and got some baby food and made her a plate. He sat down and patiently fed her while I ate. He even remembered her bib and to cut up her fruit slices into tiny bits so she wouldn't choke. I felt so emotional watching him really take care of her and seem keen on doing it. I wiped my eyes with my napkin when he wasn't looking. He finished up and cleaned her off really well. I loved how much he talked to her while he fed her. It was so sweet. When he got her face wiped down he leaned over and kissed her nose.

"Ready for a nap sweetie?" he asked her gently. He pulled her out of the high chair and put her expertly on his hip. He walked over and kissed my head again.

"We're off for a nap Brimi..." he told me and started to walk out.

"You did a great job feeding her..." I told him. I wanted him to know he was doing well. He turned as he walked and smiled at me.

"Thanks...I learned it from the best..." he told me and I felt happy he was thankful for his mother's help these past few weeks. I smiled at him and he stopped and looked at me funny. He walked back over and kissed me on the lips and then lifted my chin.

"I learned it from you.."


	21. My Money...That's All You Want to Talk About...

18th July 1975

London 

Roger's POV

"If you could sign here and here...this should be the last of it..." the man instructed me. I signed my name where he told me and he nodded and took the papers from me and then placed them in front of Brian to sign next. I watched him sign as well and we exchanged a look of relief. Brian was the last to sign everything so he finished and the legal clerk disappeared with the documents. John Reid got our attention and we looked at him with anticipation.

"Thank you your patience with all the documents today. At least you leave here knowing you've severed ties officially with Trident.." he reminded us. We all grinned at this welcome news. "And now you're officially signed directly to me as well as EMI! So it's a fresh start!" He declared. Freddie looked absolutely gleeful at John's words of encouragement. We all exchanged happy smiles.

"Now...I can buy you some time for your album release but we really need a single out there to keep your name in the minds of the fickle music buying public.." John Reid pointed out to us. "Keep this in mind when you start recording next month.." he turned in his chair to face our attorney Jim Beach. "I think that's it for me..." he told him. We all stood up as John went to leave. We shook hands and he stopped in front of Brian and myself.

"I know one of the reasons you chose me as manager is because I'm gay.." he said bluntly. "You are not my only clients who face unique issues in their career.." he put his arm around my shoulder. "I have to say that a baby is a new one for me to consider.." he commented and laughed lightly as he patted my shoulder. "I've put my best PR person on it! We will find a way to manage this predicament to your benefit.." he assured me. He slipped his arm away and we shook hands again. It felt good to know he was in our corner.

"You all worry about your families and getting this record made...I'll take care of the business end...we'll be in touch..." He told us and left us alone with Jim in his office. We all took a seat and Jim pulled out a folder. 

"Let's finish up this business so you can enjoy the afternoon" he suggested. "I know none of you are thrilled with the settlement terms with Trident but it's better than a court battle.." he advised us. Freddie still looked irritated with the reminder of what we owe Trident. None of us are thrilled at their getting one percent of our future album sales. We had to let it go and move forward. Jim stood up and walked over to us and handed out envelopes.

"Since we settled, I was able to negotiate a release of some royalties for you from your sales..." he announced and we all looked thrilled at the unexpected news. I took my envelope and opened it and unfolded the check. It was for 740 pounds! I couldn't believe it. I looked at Brian who seemed just as happy and noticed his check was for 2,085 pounds! I was floored. His was so much more. I know he writes a lot more than I do and the single 'Now I'm Here' had done well. I guess it added up when you're the writer and not just getting a portion of the group's share. I noticed an accounting sheet in my envelope and was grateful to see some transparency for a change. I wondered if Brian would let me compare our sheets. I suddenly felt like this was new territory for us in our relationship. Real money! It felt awkward. He made so much more than me. I didn't know how I felt about him having so much more money. How would he feel about me having so much less. 

"This is fantastic!" Brian commented to me quietly. "Great timing with the baby and everything.." I simply nodded. I didn't know what to say.

"There is obviously more owed to you, but this is a good start..". Jim explained. Freddie smiled at Jim and walked over to him.

"I knew we made the right decision when we took you on as attorney...thank you for this..". Freddie told him. I started to concur but the door to his office opened and his secretary popped her head in.

" Pardon my interruption...Mr. Deacon...your wife is on the phone..". She announced. Deacy's eyes grew wide and he shot up from his chair. " she's on line 2..". She told him. Deacy grabbed the phone and pressed the line button. I wondered if she was in labor. He answered and his face lit up so I knew this must be it. He nodded as he spoke to her with a grin forming on his face.

"Alright...I'll meet you there....love you.." he told Ronnie in the sweetest voice. He hung up and was practically beaming. "She's in labor!" he announced and we all shared a happy moment. We all went up and hugged Deacy as he shoved his check in his bag. "I'll call you all when there's news." he told us as he and Freddie left together. Freddie's car service was driving him to meet her at the hospital. I was excited for Deacy and knew he was anticipating becoming a father in a way I never had. As he left and we gathered our things, I realized the baby might be born on Brian's birthday if it wasn't delivered until after midnight. It was only lunchtime but it was possible. 

"Bri...she could have the baby on your birthday.." I told him as we left the meeting. He smiled at first then grimaced a little. 

"I hope for her sake it's not.." he replied. "That's a long time to be in labor.." he pointed out. I nodded understanding. 

"I guess that's true. I hadn't thought about it that way....she should have it today.." I countered. We started to drive home and all I could think about was the checks in our bags. I didn't know how to bring it up but Brian made it easy.

"Let's stop by the bank..." he suggested. "We should get those checks deposited.." I nodded and turned down the street to get us there. We arrived and went inside to the desk so we could endorse the checks. Brian grabbed a deposit slip and pulled the checkbook out of his bag. 

"I'm going to put half of the checks in savings.." he commented as he filled the form out. I nodded silently and watched him as he headed up to the teller window. I thought about all that money going into our joint accounts. It felt like we were rich! I smiled as he walked over and showed me our balances. "We've never had a balance like this before!" he told me and handed me some cash for my wallet. We laughed as we walked to the car together. "I guess we shouldn't have a problem with getting a nanny.." he commented as we got in the car to head to lunch. He was right...the concern about affording some help with Tigs was not an issue with this newfound money. I drove us home and couldn't stop thinking about all the money Brian had earned from his talent and hard work. I worked hard but he really contributed so much to the band. So many songs. I kept seeing his check amount in my head compared to mine. It wasn't fair to him that he made so much more and then put it in our joint account. That money was his. He shouldn't have to pay for Tigs' care. That was on me. He already helped enough with her care as it is. I felt extreme guilt as we neared the restaurant we were eating lunch at.

"We should celebrate tonight!" he commented to me as he smiled at me from the passenger seat. I found a parking spot by the restaurant and turned off the engine. "We could get a nice dinner...take your mum and sister out.." he suggested. I turned to look at him with his dreamy smile.

"I think you should put some of that money in your own account..." I told him. He looked surprised at my thought and seemed confused.

"Why?" he asked me. I sighed and looked away for a moment but turned back to look him square in the eye. I felt strongly he should keep some of that money for himself. 

"Because it's a lot of money and it's yours.." I answered honestly. He shook his head and made a dismissive gesture at me.

"That's ridiculous Rog....we've shared money for years...it's ours.." he argued back at me. 

"Bri...I....I think I should get a separate account to pay for the things Tigs needs..." I bluntly told him in response. He looked a little hurt and then bit his bottom lip. His expression changed somewhat and I thought I saw anger in his darkened eyes.

"Look Rog...are we in this together? We are raising her together, right?" he asked me sharply. His voice had raised and had a trace of the anger his eyes held. 

"Yeah.." I answered meekly. I knew this conversation was about to end with him getting the final word.

"Then that means sharing the cost as well.." he responded firmly. "Understood?" he shot off to me.

"Yes....sorry.." I told him and reached over and grabbed his hand. His hardened look softened and he pulled me towards him for a hug. I gladly accepted it. I didn't want to fight. I just felt like I might be taking advantage of his good fortune.

"Don't feel like you have to do this alone babe.." Brian told me in a soft voice and rubbed my back. "We're are in this together..." he reminded me. "Remember....for better or worse.." those vows stuck in my throat. I felt like 'our worse' was pretty bad right now and I was grateful he had taken this all so well. I realized I needed to let this go. For now.

"For better or worse.." I repeated as he held me tight. We pulled apart after a minute. Brian smiled gently at me as he grabbed his bag and we walked to the restaurant. I could tell Brian wanted to hold my hand as we strolled to our favorite Italian cafe. I looked around and there were people walking towards us so I decided to not chance taking his hand. I brushed my hand against his though and he glanced at me with a knowing smirk. He held the door open for me as we went inside.

"Ahh..my boys!" Lina, the Italian wife of the owner was seating people and recognized us immediately... she smiled as Brian walked up and she hugged him. I came over and she pulled me into a brief hug as well. We had been eating here for years and loved the food. We mostly got takeaway but enjoyed eating in when it was possible. "You want your usual? The booth is open.." she asked us. Brian nodded and she walked us to a quiet booth near the kitchen. We like it because it was a little darker than the other seating and was private. Despite being by the kitchen, the staff was always rushing around and basically ignored our conversations and occasional hand holding. We were pretty certain Lina knew we were a couple but didn't seem to care. She was motherly and liked to fuss over their regular customers. We had not brought Tigs in yet and wondered what conversation that might start. We got seated and ordered some wine as we looked over the menu and the daily specials. We were silent as we decided and Lina came and took our order. When she left Brian pulled out a newspaper and a writing tablet with some notes on it.

"I looked over the ads for nannies this morning and had some ideas for what we want in a caregiver.." he told me as he handed me the tablet. I briefly looked at the list and was glad to see how thorough his considerations are in hiring some help. He showed me some ads from the classifieds that were circled and I read over their wording. He had some things underlined. 

"The challenge we have is finding someone who is really flexible about when we need her.." he started. "Of course, they also need to be willing to travel with us on tour.." he added. To be honest, I have been so focused on caring for Tigs day to day and considering her immediate needs, I had not even imagined what we would do with her when we next toured. The farthest I had thought out time wise was caring for her while we record our new album in August. I was actually surprised to hear Brian say we should take her with us.

"You want to take her on the road with us?" I asked him with surprise and a little reservation. He nodded and pointed to the list which had a notation about lengthy travel. 

"Of course..." he answered and looked concerned I was questioning it at all. "Where do you think she'll go when we're not home?" he asked me. I honestly couldn't answer since I had not thought this far into the future. I was glad he was thinking about our long term plans. Grateful he was looking out for our best interests.

"I had not even thought about it to be honest.." I told him truthfully. He didn't judge me and smiled warmly as he took my hand across the table.

"We're talking about it now..." he answered. "We just need to find someone as soon as possible. Your mother leaves in a few weeks.." he was right. She would be gone on August 6th. It was getting here fast. "Flip the page Rog...I started a sample ad for you to look at.." he told me. I turned the page and read his idea. He squeezed my hand as I looked it over.

Looking for an experienced nanny for 1 year old.

Extensive travel is required and can be for weeks at a time.

Family is in performing arts and requires assistance with care

Expenses will be paid along with generous salary.

As I read this over I had images in my head of the type of nanny we would find. Who would apply for this? I immediately saw a Mary Poppins type figure and laughed inside at how ridiculous she seemed in reality. I thought about the nannies I had seen in films and television. They were generally older women; spinsters who were cold and no nonsense. I tried to imagine a younger nanny who was warm and had a sweet nature. Patient, with a good sense of humor. That felt better but I still tried to imagine us interviewing candidates and cringed. As soon as I pictured us sitting on the couch talking to potential nannies, I realized we would have to tell them about us. Would they even be open to working for us if we liked them as a candidate? Would they be homophobic and turn us down? Would they tell people what they learned about us after storming out of our home in disgust? I felt a sense of panic at these thoughts. I clenched Brian's hand.

"Bri.." I started and we were interrupted by the arrival of our food. Lina placed my plate of chicken carbonara down and served Brian his eggplant parmesan sandwich. His favorite. He thanked her and she left the table. He picked up his glass of wine and held it up in the air.

'To a promising future and to finding a proper nanny.." he toasted. "And to baby Deacy!" I smiled as I picked up my glass. 

"Cheers.." I responded as we drank. I sat my glass down as Brian started on his sandwich. I couldn't stop thinking about the problems we would face with finding a nanny. I picked at my plate with my fork. My worried thoughts killing my appetite. "Brian....about the nanny.." I started again.

"What? he asked me in between bites. 

"How do we find one who doesn't have a problem working for us?" I asked him honestly. He looked at me blankly for a moment and then realized what I meant. He wiped his mouth.

"Well...they are there to take care of Tigs....maybe we can just keep our private life....well...private from them.." he countered. I gave him a look of incredulity.

"And how do you think we would manage that, huh?" I asked him bluntly. I was surprised at how naïve he was being about this. "Separate bedrooms? No physical contact whatsoever?" I added. He seemed to get my point.

"I'm not sure Rog...I guess we need to think about how we approach this some more.." he answered and seemed subdued from his earlier cheerfulness. I hated to bring him down on such a great day but we needed to discuss our realities right now.

"No matter what...I think we have to look at finding a bigger place to live.." I told him to shift the focus on something a little lighter. He smiled at me and nodded.

"We do yeah...I know your Mum has been great about sharing the spare room with Tigs...we need more bedrooms and some real space for Tigs to play. A better back garden.." he commented as we both focused on eating before our food got too cold. "Since we have some money in the bank and feel confident about earning more in the future...we should consider finding a house." I brightened at the idea of a real house. I loved the thought of having some real space to live in. We weren't making enough to afford my dream house in the countryside, but we could certainly find something more substantial than what we have right now.

"Are you talking about buying a place?" I asked him. He shrugged slightly as he took the last bite of his sandwich. 

"I need to look into it...maybe just lease something for now..." he answered. "We can start looking right away...maybe get something lined up for the fall.." he added. I smiled eagerly. 

"I'd like that..." I told him. He had emptied his plate and I was still working on my lunch. "You want something sweet?" I asked him. He shook his head and laughed lightly. 

"My birthday is tomorrow Rog...I would hope I am getting a cake.." he answered. I laughed and nodded. 

"Oh yeah.." I told him. "Don't worry....you're getting one.."

\----------------- 

Brian and I left the restaurant and took a walk down the street to a music store we both like. He wanted to price a stand up piano since we were talking about moving. We went in the store and he started looking at the floor models. I got distracted by some new cymbals on display in the drum section. I was checking out the cost when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Long time no see Roger Meddows Taylor.." a familiar voice said to me. I knew immediately who it was and turned around in complete surprise.

"Tim!" I replied and saw our old bassist and vocalist from our days in Smile standing behind me. He looked exactly the same as last time we were together but his hair was longer. Just like me. He immediately brought me in for a hug and we shared a tight embrace. It was great to see him. I didn't feel any lingering anger towards him. I had let go of the resentment I had about him leaving Brian and I for another group ages ago. These things happen and we were not progressing in our career at the time. It was for the best for all of us musically. Things had certainly worked out well for me and Brian of course. I knew Tim had left Humpy Bong and was in a different band.

"God Roger! You look like a fucking rock star! But...I guess you really are one now, right?" Tim remarked as he looked me over. I had not even thought about how I was dressed. Since we had the contract signing this morning and photographs were taken, I had worn a black suit with a satin shirt. I guess I looked pretty camped out compared to his tie dye shirt and flared jeans. It was odd to hear him call me a star. I had once looked up to him as the senior musician. I just laughed and accepted his compliment.

"Thanks Tim. I guess I have made a bit of a name for myself..." I replied. He smiled at me and leaned against a speaker cabinet display folding his arms in front of him. 

"I would say so.. you and Brian hit gold with Queen..." he told me with a look of sincere happiness. "Who would have thought Freddie would be a star, huh?" he asked me. "He certainly turned out to be a great performer.." he added. "I mean all of you are amazing...your albums are fantastic!" he complimented me further and I felt a little embarrassed but he seemed sincere about it. Just enthusiastic about our success.

"Yeah...Freddie has really come into his own..." I told him. I glanced over and saw Brian speaking to a sales person and wondered if I should tell Tim that Brian was here. I know they would want to see each other but wondered if we should tell Tim about our relationship. I didn't have to decide as Brian started walking our way.

"Brian is here with me..." I told him. Tim was shocked and surprised.

"Really? he asked and looked eager as he saw Brian coming over towards us. Brian caught sight of him and a huge smile appeared on his face. They both opened their arms and moved towards each other.

"Tim? I don't believe it!" Brian cried out as he gave him a big hug. They both laughed in delight at seeing each other. They parted and I could see Tim checking out Brian's appearance. I realized that Brian had changed a lot since our days in Smile with Tim. His hair was now much longer and worn in its natural curly state. He dressed in a more flamboyant style and wore jewelry. He had definitely changed from the billowy straight haired hippie he had been at that time. He certainly had a lot more confidence. 

"Wow Brian! You have really changed your style...you look great!" Tim admired him and couldn't seem to take his eyes off of Brian's hair. "I can't get over your hair.." he commented and Brian blushed. I remembered that Brian always felt Tim was the better looking of the two and wondered if that old inferiority was surfacing. Brian's hand went to fiddle with the ends of his curls and he looked a little self conscious.

"I like it this way...it's easier than straightening it every few days.." he told Tim with a light laugh. Tim nodded and smiled as he looked at both of us.

"So wow! You guys still love playing together after all this time.." he commented. "You two certainly seem to get along better than a lot of musicians I have worked with. You always had great chemistry.." he told us. We started a conversation about dealing with different types of band members and enjoyed reminiscing about old times as well. It was nice to catch up with him and hear about his current project; a band called Morgan. Tim also mentioned he still did some commercial artwork on the side for money and to stay creative. Brian and Tim talked about our old song 'Doing Alright' and Tim confirmed he had received a small songwriting royalty check from the publishing company. I had forgotten that Brian had made sure Tim got credit on the song and received some money for it. He asked us a lot of questions about our last album and what we were doing next. Brian and I stood at opposite ends of Tim during our entire conversation. We occasionally glanced at each other and I wondered if Brian was going to say anything to Tim about us. I had basically let him lead the conversation since they were old friends before we were ever bandmates. The talk eventually moved back to our lifestyle with our newfound success. 

"I can imagine you both must be set with the success of your last album and singles.." he noted to us. "I haven't seen in any newspapers that either of you are married...I bet the partying and the women must be pretty good.." he added with a suggestive tone. He leaned into me a bit with a look of innuendo. "You always were a ladies man Rog...I bet you've had your share of fun!" he commented to me. I glanced at Brian who looked annoyed at the turn of topic of conversation.

"I've had some fun.." I told him benignly as Brian shifted uncomfortably next to Tim. I purposefully glanced at my watch but was surprised at how late it was. We needed to get home.

"Shit!" I commented out loud. "It's getting late...we've got to go.." Brian nodded and moved to shake Tim's hand. 

"Maybe you can come to the studio when we record in London..." Brian suggested to Tim. Tim smiled and nodded.

"That would be great...yeah.." he answered. I shook Tim's hand and he and Brian shared a final hug goodbye. "I'd invite you to my band's next show but you're probably both too busy with all the industry parties and going clubbing..." he commented. I wasn't sure if he was making a dig at our success. He didn't sound at all condescending so I let it go. There had been invitations to these events but we had been too busy with work and the baby. Brian pulled one of our business cards from his bag and wrote something on the back of it. He handed it to Tim.

"Let's keep in touch...here's our phone number.." Brian told him. Tim got an odd look.

"You have the same number....do you still share a place?" he asked us with a curious expression. I wondered what Brian would say to him. Brian didn't even look at me.

"We do yeah....been together all this time.." Brian answered him honestly. Tim didn't catch the underlying meaning of what Brian said and I smiled inside. He waived at us both as we turned to leave. We got outside the store and headed to the car.

"We've been together all this time.." I repeated to Brian to tell him I loved his covert way of outing us to Tim. Brian smirked at me and then looked around the street and then slipped his hand in mine and squeezed it.

"He may have thought he left us for greener pastures when he went to Humpy Bong.." Brian remarked as we reached the car. "But I got the best part of what was left of Smile.."


	22. Happy Birthday Brimi

19th July 1975

Brian's POV

"Bihmee.." I heard the beginnings of my name coming from Tiger Lilly's mouth while I laid on my side in bed. I was awakened by her touching my face. I opened my eyes and saw her face right in front of mine. Giant blue eyes full of life and wonder. Roger had crouched down and was holding her at my face level by my beside. His own blue eyes watching us. I took Tigs tiny hand in mine and gently kissed it.

"Morning poppet.." I whispered to her. Roger leaned her face towards mine so I kissed her cheek. She giggled at my beard tickling her. I needed to shave. Roger gently moved her away from my face and he leaned in and kissed me.

"Happy Birthday Brimi.." he told me. It felt like today might be a good day.

\------------------ 

"Let's just get it over with.." Roger told me as I knocked on my parent's front door. I pressed my hand in his as we waited for an answer. The door opened and my father stood and had a happy then a surprised look on his face as he saw Roger standing next to me with Tiger Lilly in his arms.

"Well...who is this?" he asked me with a face full of confusion. I hated to spring Tigs on them this way but didn't want to tell them over the phone. 

"We'll explain everything once Mum is here..." I told my father. He nodded and moved to let us in the house. Roger and I went inside and followed my father to the sitting room. I sat the baby bag on the sofa.

"I'll get your mother.." he told me as we stood by the fireplace. Roger and I shared a nervous smile while we waited for them to come in. My mother walked in with my father and had a curious look as she wiped her hands on her apron. I immediately smiled at her and she focused her gaze on Tigs.

"Happy birthday dear....who is this?" she asked me as she came up and kissed my cheek and hugged me. She looked over at Roger and the baby. I looked at Roger and he seemed to hold Tigs closer to him as some type of protection for her and himself. I know he was dreading the questions.

"Mum...Dad....this is Tiger Lilly.." I announced. I swallowed hard as I looked at them both. "This is Roger's daughter..." I felt Roger lean into me for support.

I swear I saw my mother sway on her feet. I moved closer to my mother and held her side as she looked at Roger and then Tigs and then at me with an open mouth gape.

"I don't understand..." she told me almost in a whisper. My father appeared to be processing the information and his face had grown a little stern.

"Let's sit down.." I told everyone. I helped my mother to her armchair and my father seemed to hesitate but went and sat in his own chair. Roger walked over and sat on the couch with Tigs in his lap. I noticed my father was glaring at Roger. I could see the questions forming in his head.

"I want to explain everything...so please hear me out.." I started. I made sure I was pressed against Roger's side so he knew he had my support. I put my arm around him for good measure. "Roger and I both made some mistakes in our relationship in November of 73. We both got involved with other people.." I told them. I wanted them to know we both had cheated, not just Roger. My mother looked shocked and averted her gaze from me. She then glanced at Roger and then looked at my father for his reaction. He looked disappointed. I felt bad letting my parents down. I hated having to tell them our private business but it was unavoidable since this was how Tigs came to be in our lives.

"We reconciled quickly and moved on with our lives.." I continued to explain. "The girl Roger had been with got pregnant but didn't tell him. She gave birth without his knowledge.." I emphasized. I wanted them to know we were not aware she existed when she was born. My mother still looked confused. Tigs got restless in Roger's arms. He helped her to stand on the floor in front of the couch where he could hold her by her hands as she wobbled on her feet.

"So how did you find out about her?" my father asked us. He was watching Tigs hang on to Roger's hands and legs.

"Pah!" Tigs spouted at Roger. He smiled at her and tickled her chin while listening to me explain things to my parents. 

"Roger got a letter from her mother's attorney...she filed a paternity suit looking for support.." I explained. My parents now seemed to understand how she came about. Though, they weren't thrilled with the details I was sharing.

"I hope you are helping take care of her...is that why she is here with you? Did you get the right to see her?" my father asked Roger directly.

"I am taking care of her.." Roger responded confidently. I knew he was not wanting to talk about Kim's death as it still upset him. Despite claiming he hated her, her passing and leaving Tiger Lilly without a mother was a tragedy. For Kim as well as the baby. It still made him quite emotional.

"Where is her mother? Does she live in London?" my mother asked him. She sounded calm and just curious. I decided to answer before Roger felt obligated to say anything. I pressed my hand into his side.

"There is something we need to tell you..." I began and felt Roger lean heavily into me. "Her mother passed away recently.." I told them quietly. The look of shock on my parent's face was expected. My mother put her hand over her open mouth as she looked right at Tiger Lilly. She stood up and walked over to Roger. She knelt down in front of him and the baby and looked right at Roger.

"She's living with you now...isn't she?" she asked him in her calm soft voice. 

"Yes.." Roger answered and I heard him choke up as she spoke to him. My mother quickly looked at me with concern in her face. 

"Brian...can you take her?" she asked me. I nodded and reached over and pulled Tiger Lily into my lap as my mother sat down next to Roger. He broke down and she took him in her arms. She hugged him close as he cried to her. I felt a tinge of tears myself as I watched my mother console Roger. I know she cares for him deeply and Roger thinks the world of her.

"I'm so sorry Ruth..." he told her in between sobs. I knew he was apologizing for cheating on me. It wasn't necessary. We had both forgiven each other and moved past that a long time ago. For Roger, it was like a healed wound had opened up. Tiger Lilly was watching Roger and my mother and appeared confused by their behavior. I soothed her quietly.

"Roger dear....that is between you and Brian...you don't need to apologize to me for anything.." my mother told him as she pulled out her handkerchief and handed it to him. She got him calmed down and his tears dried as Tig started leaning over from my lap trying to get to Roger and was being curious about my mother. Roger took Tigs back and sat her in his lap as my mother looked closely at her.

"Pah!' she said to Roger and he smiled and bounced her a little as he sniffed. I put my arm back around him again. My mother looked enchanted as she watched her.

"Do you want to hold her?" Roger asked her. My mother nodded eagerly.

"Of course I do..." she said a little emotional and took the baby in her arms as Roger handed her over. "Oh sweetheart....you're are as lovely as your father!" my mother told her. I beamed at my mother's compliment and shared a happy smile with Roger. I knew some of his fear in telling my parents was unfounded. I saw my father get up from his chair and motion to me to follow him. The fact that my father wanted to speak in private made my stomach knot. I knew this was the hard conversation I dreaded. My father might not be so forgiving.

"I'll be right back.." I told Roger and got up and followed my father to his study. We went inside and he closed the door. He stood by his desk and folded his arms and looked at me with a stern façade. He pointed at the door.

"I want to know if that was the truth you were telling us out there or is this a story to make Roger look better than the situation bears out?" my father asked me bluntly. I know he was disappointed and could be more judgmental than my mother. I didn't like him insinuating I would lie to put Roger in a better light. I crossed my arms in front of me...mirroring my father's posture. Ready to counter whatever he had to say to me. 

"It's the truth Dad...we both cheated...I know you're disappointed in him. It should include me as well.." I replied. He looked aggrieved to hear this and shook his head.

"Is this what music has made you son?" he spoke with a harsh tone in a loud whisper. "First, you end up being in a relationship with a man, then you're sleeping with women on the side?" he told me as his voice escalated and his anger grew. I felt the shame of his judgement. He had a point. I had gone down paths in my life I never thought I would since I entered the world of music and groups. Behaved in ways my parents taught me wasn't moral or right. They had tried to be understanding and made room in their lives for my relationship with Roger. Now, they were supposed to accept that we engaged in promiscuous behavior as well. And now, a baby.

"I'm sorry I've let you down...I know cheating is nothing to be proud of. Trust me, it was a hard lesson for us both. A lesson we're still feeling the repercussions from." I answered honestly. 

"What's next Brian? Drugs? Alcohol? Your gay relationship spread across the pages of the newspapers?" he countered in an aggravated tone. I felt a tinge of anger at his belief that I would go down the path of excess that some of my predecessors had gone. I had headed the lessons of Jimi and Janis. Drugs and alcohol excess were a direct ticket to an early death. Plus, Roger and I had always been careful about being public about our relationship. We were careful.

"If I was remotely interested in drugs or heavy drinking, I believe I would have already gone down that path...don't you think?" I asked him bluntly. He shook his head at me.

"I don't know Brian...you tell me.." he replied and wagged his finger at me. "It seems like everyone in that business gets involved in some degree of morally corrupt behavior. I've tried to be open to your life with Roger but bringing a baby into this?" he asked me; seeming incredulous at our current situation. "Is this really a world to raise a child in?" he asked my bluntly. 

"I know mostly what you see in the media is scandalous reports of the worst behavior music stars engage in....bear in mind father that people living a fairly normal existence don't get stories written about them....because it doesn't sell newspapers.." I reminded him. 

"Well I would think a story about two gay rock stars living together and raising a child would prove worthy of the best scandal sheet!" he shot back at me. It hurt me to hear him say this. Did he really accept Roger and I as a couple? Had he just been placating me all this time? 

"Maybe coming here today was a mistake..." I replied in a quieter tone. I thought about just walking out of his study and taking my family and leaving. Forget my birthday dinner and just go.

"I think your bigger mistake is believing you can live this kind of life without repercussions Brian. You are naïve to think you can get famous and not have your private world invaded by the press. What will happen to your career if the world learns about you and Roger? he asked me with lessened anger and more concern. "What will you do if your career is stalled or ruined because of it? How do you take care of that baby with no money or a real future?"

"I'm not that naïve Dad! I know there are aspects of my life that wouldn't bear the brunt of public scrutiny. I know that!" I argued back. I felt the compulsion to clutch my hair and that old feeling of anxiousness crept over me. A feeling I had managed to control for a long while. I needed to end this conversation. Leave if I had to. 

"We have a new manager! He knows about Roger and me. He knows about the baby. He is committed to making sure we have a successful run as a group and understands our need for privacy. He will help us keep our lives quiet." 

"I hope you can appreciate why I wanted you to pursue your degree and build a quieter life in science.." my father expressed to me as his anger seem to die down. He sighed and sat on the edge of his desk. "Even being with Roger would have been easier if you had focused on a career out of the limelight.." I was surprised at his words. I guess he was able to accept Roger more than I was wanting to give him credit for. He seemed more concerned about our very public career. 

"I do appreciate it..." I assured him. "I know my choice of career was not what you hoped for me. I still love my field and maybe someday I can pursue it again...for now....this is where my heart is...my real passion.." 

"I'm sorry to be so hard on you Brian...I've always just wanted what's best for you..." my father told me sincerely. I do believe him. His heart has always been in the right place. His approach hasn't always been the best. "I want you to be happy and have the best possible life..."

"I know you do..." I answered and smiled at him for the first time since we entered his office. "Being with Roger and being in Queen make me very happy.."

"And having to take care of a child that is not yours?" 

"I love Tiger Lilly...I want to have her in my life...be a parent to her in whatever way I can be.."

"I hope you can appreciate someday why I find it difficult to understand your choices Brian..." my father told me with a sense of hurt and regret. I did feel bad about letting my father down. I only ever wanted to make my parents proud. This was hurting him to say it and it was hurting me to hear it. 

"I hope someday I can live up to your expectations..." I threw back at my father. "For now...I'm just trying to live my life in a way that at least makes me happy.."

I was done speaking about this and turned to open the door to his office. "You've said your peace...I hope you can come join us for dinner..." I asked him as one adult to another.

My father looked away from me and gazed out the window with a stubborn set to his jaw. "Your mother made you a nice meal....enjoy it....I need to be alone right now..." he told me as he kept his focus on the world outside his window. I closed his door and walked out. I stood in the hallway and fought the crying jag I felt erupting inside me. I went to the bathroom and took my time as I cleaned up and splashed my face with cold water to diffuse my emotions. I wasn't going to let him get to me this time. 

I returned to the sitting room to find it empty and walked to the kitchen. My mother was sitting at the table with Tigs.

"Where's Roger?" I asked her. She pointed down with her finger.

"He went to the basement to get your old highchair.." she answered. "She can use it when she's here.." she explained. My father came into the kitchen and headed towards the back door.

"I'll be back later...." my father told us as he left the house. I watched my mother holding Tigs and looking at the closed door. 

"I take it you two had a fight?" my mother asked me as she handed Tigs to me and went to check on something baking in the oven. 

"We shared words..." I confirmed to her. "I would say it ended in a stalemate and he wasn't happy about it.." I added. She grimaced at the news and shook her head.

"Well...let's just try to enjoy your birthday dinner.." she told me with a look of optimism as she took a casserole out of the oven and Roger came up the stairs holding my vintage high chair.

"I found it!" he announced as he sat it down in the middle of the kitchen. I got a soapy cloth and cleaned it up while Roger took Tigs and went to change her nappy and wash up before we ate. 

"Brian...she's just adorable!" my mother told me as I cleaned off the high chair. "Roger told me how great you have been with her...a real help taking care of her.." she told me. My mother walked over to inspect my cleaning. 

"I love her Mum...very much.." I answered. "I always wanted to have children.." I confessed to her. She brightened at my response and squeezed me to her.

"It seems like Roger has had a difficult time with all this.." my mother commented to me. I nodded to her as she watched me pick up the high chair to move it by the table.

"He didn't really want to have kids...this has all been quite a shock for him...for us.." I replied. "We're adjusting and making the best of things....we're going to move somewhere with more space.." I added. She smiled at me and cooed at Tigs when Roger returned with her cleaned up and ready to eat.. We got settled at the table and my mother served us my birthday dinner. A conversation started about when I was a baby which was a little embarrassing. My mother ended up getting my baby book for Roger to look at after we ate. I fed Tigs some jarred baby food as Roger and my mother pored over pictures of me when I was little. 

We had my chocolate cake and Roger and my mother cleaned up from dinner while I played with Tigs on the sitting room floor.

The time arrived when we needed to leave. We needed to get Tiger Lilly home for bed. We said our goodbyes and both felt relieved they now know about the baby. Despite my father's harsh reaction, it was at least out in the open now. I secured Tigs in her baby seat as my mother hugged and kissed us all goodbye. We accepted my leftover birthday cake from her and headed home.

"I suppose your father had all sorts of wonderful things to say about me.." Roger commented sarcastically as we drove. I was looking into the back seat of the car and watching Tiger Lilly as she slept in her seat. Her head was rolled to one side and I hoped she didn't get a stiff neck from it. I knew Roger would ask about my private conversation with my Dad.

"It was really more about our careers than anything else...concern about having a public life and trying to raise her in it..." I responded. I wanted to spare Roger the details. He seemed agitated as he watched the road but was quiet for most of the ride.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to..." Roger finally spoke. I know he felt awful about all this. The fact that we told them about her on my birthday was my decision. I had hoped it would lessen the blow, but I guess my father wasn't interested in staving off his feelings for the sake of my special day. "Sorry your birthday wasn't better.." Roger apologized to me and reached over and took my hand on the bench seat of the car. I smiled at him.

"It isn't over yet..." I winked at him and he smirked at me.

We arrived home to get news from Winnie that Deacy had called. He and Veronica had a baby boy. Their son was born late last night but before midnight so Robert Deacon was not born on my birthday. He had arrived safely and his mother was doing well. We were thrilled with the news and hoped to visit them at the maternity hospital the next day. Tigs slept the whole way home and was still out when we took her inside. Winnie was watching a television program and talking to her sister on the phone. I walked Tigs upstairs and got her settled on her cot as Roger unpacked her bag and washed up her things. I got cleaned up in the bathroom. I felt emotionally drained from the talk with my father. I was ready to get past this day and move on. I went into the bedroom and unbuttoned my shirt as Roger went in to wash up. I sat down in bed against the headboard and pulled out my writing notebook. I had thought of some lines for a song I was working on so I jotted them down.

Roger came in the room and closed our door. He had brought my old record player into our bedroom right after Tigs came to live with us. We would sometimes play records as we laid together in bed with her. We had been listening to a lot of our collection lately. Roger pulled an album from the stack and put it on the turntable. The first track of Physical Graffiti started playing. Roger took off his watch and then started dancing around the room as he began removing his clothes. He looked at me with his bedroom eyes as he peeled off his shirt and tossed it in the corner of the room. I closed my notebook and watched his striptease with great pleasure. He sang the words to Custard Pie as he flung his clothes with abandon.

Drop down, baby, let your daddy see  
Drop down, mama, just dream of me  
Well, my mama allow me to fool around all night long  
Well, I may look like I'm crazy, I should know right from wrong  
See me comin', throw your man out the door  
Ain't no stranger, been this way before  
See me comin', mama, throw your man out the door  
I ain't no stranger, I been this way before

Put on your night shirt and your morning gown  
You know by night I'm gonna shake 'em down  
Put on your night shirt mama, and your morning gown  
Well, you know by night I'm gonna shake 'em down

Your custard pie, yeah, sweet and nice  
When you cut it, mama, save me a slice  
Your custard pie, I declare, it's sweet and nice  
I like your custard pie  
When you cut it mama, mama please save me a slice oh

(I chew on a piece of your custard pie)

Drop down, drop down, drop down  
(I chew on a piece of your custard pie)

By the end of the song, Roger was naked and shaking his ass at me as he swayed his hips while holding onto the edge of the dresser. He is such a sexy man and wears his sensuality like a badge of honor. I still can't believe he is mine sometimes. I wolf whistled at him and then held my arms out to him as he took a bow and then sauntered over to me on the bed. He climbed up and crawled to me on his hands and knees. I pulled him into my arms and leaned him back in as I kissed him.

"Did your day just get better?" he asked me when I let him up for air. I took his hand and pressed it to my growing erection.

"What do you think?" I answered as I laid him back and devoured him. 

"Happy birthday Brimi!"


	23. I'm Happy At Home

20 July 1975

London

Brian's POV

"We'll meet you there..." I told the realtor as I hung up. I got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom. Roger was taking a shower. I opened the door and poked my head inside.

"That was the realtor calling. She found another place for us to look at.." I told him. "She can meet us in an hour.." I shouted to him.

"Okay!" he replied from behind the curtain. 

I heard Winnie coming up behind me and turned to see her at the doorway. 

"She's made a right mess of herself...can Roger rinse her off for me?" she asked as she stood on the landing with a naked Tigs in her arms; covered in rice pudding. I took the baby from her and walked into the bathroom.

"Rog...I've got Tigs here and she needs a rinsing from her meal.." I told him. He pulled back the shower curtain and I handed her to him. He laughed when he saw the mess all in her hair and face and tummy. He pulled her into his arms and turned to get under the shower head as she giggled at him. I closed the shower curtain back but peeked from the corner as Tigs bounced in his arms and squealed and flopped her arms about as the water cascaded over her. Roger was laughing as he finished cleaning her off and I grabbed a clean towel. I held it out as he handed her back to me. I wrapped her into the towel and held her tight as I walked back to my bedroom with her.

Winnie followed me in with some clean clothes and a nappy for her.

"I've got it..." I told her and took the items from her. Winnie left the room as I grabbed the extra powder we kept on our dresser. I talcumed her bottom and then tucked her in a fresh nappy. I put on her sundress and her matching pantaloons over her bum. I picked her up and kissed her nose.

"You're my fresh little poppet now!" I cooed to her as I walked downstairs with her. Tigs latched onto my hair with one of her hands as we walked into the living room. Winnie was cleaning up the highchair as I got my hair away from Tigs and sat her on the floor on her play blanket. She immediately reached for her plush tiger that Freddie bought her. 

"How many houses are you looking at today?" Winnie asked me as she reached for her cigarette packet. 

"Two. We have an interview with a nanny service after that.." I told her. She walked to the front door to step out and smoke. I was happy she respected my wishes to not smoke in the house since we got the baby. Roger had asked her on my behalf. He was going outside as well. It was really the best thing for Tiger Lilly. I hated the memories of my father smoking when I was young. Not liking the smoke and the smell. 

I leaned against the counter to finish my tea and toast while keeping an eye on Tiger Lilly. She loved her toys and seemed content playing right now. I got my things organized and in my bag so I was ready to leave. I heard the blow dryer upstairs so I knew Roger wouldn't be long.

\---------------

"So this first house is in need of some attention. It's in a trendy part of London but it needs work. I wasn't sure how important location was as far as being close to the scene in London."

"Scene?" I asked the realtor as she drove us to the house in question. 

"Well...the club scene...the social scene...what have you.." she told us casually as she turned the corner. I could tell she wanted to say something else but was hesitating. "I wasn't sure how much being in the gay area of London was important to you..." she finally said to us bluntly.

I appreciated her desire to make sure we were living in the area we felt most comfortable in. John Reid had told us about this rental agent. She had situated quite a few clients for him and some other entertainment managers. She was clearly 'in the know' about our relationship and had assumed we wanted to be situated in one of the 'gay neighborhoods' of London. To be honest, we weren't really sure where those were. In our rush to find a new place, we hadn't event taken this into account.

"I think we're more concerned about finding the right house versus optimum location. We both have cars so getting around isn't a problem. We really just need space for the baby.." I explained to her. When she first called me, we had talked about the amount of space we were looking for and how much we had budgeted for housing. I had mentioned it was space for two adults, a child and probably a nanny or housekeeper. She already knew the two adults were myself and Roger. John had apparently told her we were together and looking for a place.

"I'm positive we will find you two a nice little love nest!" she exclaimed confidently as she pulled up in front of a rather dismal looking home. Roger rolled his eyes at her comment and at the home sitting before us.

It was semi-detached and had a driveway but the house itself looked neglected and tired. The shrubs were immensely overgrown and the garden was in complete disarray. It was clear this place needed major work and would take time.

"I know on the outside it seems a bit icky...but it has marvelous potential...it just needs a good gardener and some minor repairs to make it a showplace!" she enthused to us. She opened the car door and we followed her after sharing a concerned glance. I let Roger walk in front of me as we surveyed the front garden and entryway. There was some brick damage and the front door probably needed replacing. The window trim was in poor shape. As we walked into the front room, it was clear this place would require a complete overhaul.

"This is an up and coming neighborhood for people of status.." she told us as she walked us through the downstairs rooms. The kitchen was painted orange and missing some cabinets. It was horrid. "This street is filling up with all sorts of artists and professionals. A real bohemian area..." she walked us up the stairs. The bedrooms were impressive and large. There was a toilet on both floors and the master suite was quite sizable. It just looked pitiful and in need of new flooring and paint. She walked into the bathroom and was checking the plumbing as I came up behind Roger.

"It's pretty bohemian alright..." I told him quietly as we watched her flush the toilet. "I think our first flat was in better shape than this place.." I reminded Roger. He laughed and nodded at the reference. Our first flat we ever lived in together was with 4 other people and was a complete dump. "It just needs too much work.." I commented to Roger. He nodded agreement.

"This house would be great after some serious renovations.." I agreed with her. "We just don't have the time to deal with that right now....we will be out of town for recording in a few weeks and couldn't oversee something like that.." I explained to her. She developed a frown and walked out of the bathroom and waived for us to follow her.

"Unfortunately, the other place I have to show you is also in need of similar work.." she told us with a sense of defeat. I hated the time this was taking and felt like the clock was ticking on getting moved before we go to Wales. She pulled out her notebook and leaned against the damaged countertop in the horrible orange kitchen. 

"I know you told me your budget for housing..." she muttered to us as she looked over some pages in her binder. "Is there any room for more money?" she asked me as she stopped on a particular page in her book.

I sighed and looked at Roger. I didn't want us to get in over our heads. "We can probably go higher.." I told Roger quietly. "I kept our budget conservative...I didn't want to assume we would get rich fast.." I explained. He glanced around the place and made an ugly face at me.

"Let's take the risk...this place is terrible!" he told me. I nodded and turned back to the realtor.

"What did you have in mind?" 

\-----------------------

Two days later

"Alright you two....this is it!" I told Winnie and Clare. I had pulled the car up in to the paved driveway of the new house and they both their hands covering their eyes. Roger was beaming with pride as they pulled their hands away to see our new home. Roger was beaming with pride as they pulled their hands away to see our new home.

"Oh my goodness!" Winnie declared as she stared open mouthed at our new house. Clare was equally pleased. Roger opened the car door and then opened the back door for his mother. I went to the back door on my side and Clare handed me Tiger Lilly as she got out of the car.

We walked up to the front door as Roger pulled his key out to open it. Our new home was a detached house with it's own driveway and even a garage. The front of the house had a brick laid area which was going to be ideal for Tigs when she was ready for a tricycle. We walked inside and showed off the nice sized front room with it's big picture window. 

"We've got four bedrooms now..." Roger told his mother and sister as we walked through the bottom floor of the place. There are even three toilets!" he remarked and we all smiled at the thought of not waiting for someone to finish using the loo so someone else could go. They loved our large horseshoe shaped kitchen with loads of counter and storage space. It was much bigger than our current tiny kitchen. There were fairly new appliances.

"Look at the washing machine!" Roger exclaimed to his mother. She put her hand over her mouth and then hugged Roger. 

"Oh my Roger! You are living large these days..." she commented as she inspected our built in clothes washer in the kitchen. "This will be much easier than the launderette with a baby in tow.." she remarked as she checked the size of the washer tub. Tigs was getting antsy being held so I put her down on the floor and she immediately pushed up to stand on her feet as I held onto her hands. She was trying diligently to walk. She might do it before her birthday at the rate she was going. Roger was already miffed as he had lost the wager on when she would take her first steps. I was still in the running. So was Deacy. Roger led us into the back sun room and Clare gasped at the view.

"Ahhhh...this could be heaven.." she told Roger as she walked the perimeter of the room and looked out the large windows. It showed off the lovely back garden. The grass was lush and well maintained. Whoever had lived here before either had a gardener or was a keen tender of their own yard.

"This will be marvelous for morning time...a nice cup of tea and the papers and the radio.." Roger remarked as he looked out into the garden. He turned and motioned for us to follow him towards the stairs. "Let's have a look at upstairs!" he commanded. I toddled Tigs slowly in front of me to help her build her legs up as the others went up the stairs. When we reached the stairs I picked her up to catch up with the others.

"Want to show them your room?" I asked her as we approached them standing in Tiger Lilly's future bedroom. It faced the back garden and had a lovely natural light coming from the window. It needed some paint but otherwise was ready for her to move in. I sat her back down to crawl about as Roger showed the bathroom to the others. I heard him telling them about the private bathroom with our master suite. Clare was impressed. I picked up Tigs and carried her into our master suite after the others went inside.

"We are going to put the bed there and we now have room for separate dressers.." Roger explained our plans to them. He walked over and showed off the large cupboard for clothes and then they took a peak at the bathroom. After some complimentary comments they emerged and we headed back into the hallway.

"And this will be your room Clare..." Roger told her as she opened the door. It was the largest bedroom besides the master and had a sizable cupboard. The window faced the front of the house and had a nice view of the street. The facing houses were really appealing so it was an improvement over her flat in the city. 

"This is really nice Rog...much bigger than my current room.." she commented as she checked it out. "You said I can get my walls painted as well?" she asked him. He nodded agreement.

"You're the new nanny...you can get whatever color you want.." he replied. She smiled and looked out the window and then turned back to us. She walked over to me and took Tigs out of my arms. She carried her to the window and they both looked out.

"What do think Tiger Lilly?" she asked her niece. "You think I'll make you a good nanny?" she asked her sweetly. She pressed a kiss to her head and turned back to Roger and then looked at me with a smile. 

"How about a nice shade of pink?" 

\-------------------------------- 

The prior day

Roger's POV

"So you won't help us?" I asked the woman on the phone; not believing what I was hearing.

"I'm sorry sir...we're not in a position to offer you our services..." she responded. My inclination was to tell her to go fuck herself, but I knew Brian would kill me if I said it.

"That's too bad..." I said with my teeth clenched and slammed the phone down. I made my hands into fists and fought the urge to rip the phone cord from the wall. I stormed down the stairs instead and walked to the kitchen counter and grabbed my cigarettes. Brian saw me go by and got up from the couch.

"She said no as well?" he asked me as I grabbed my lighter and a single cigarette and opened the front door. 

"Of course she said no Brian! They've all said no!" I shouted at him. I didn't mean to shout but I was pissed off. I walked outside and Brian stood in the doorway so he could keep on eye on Tigs as I lit up and took a deep inhalation off my cigarette.

"Was that the last nanny agency?" he asked me. I nodded a yes as I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes to try and calm myself down. I opened them after a moment and looked at Brian. He was clearly upset at the news that no nanny agency in town would help us find a caregiver. I never told them we were gay but when I revealed our living situation and career, they must have assumed we were and apparently were not interested in placing a nanny with a bunch of queers.

"So do you want to place an ad for a nanny in the papers?" Brian asked me as he watched me smoke.

"Do you really think it will be any different?" I asked him in all truthfulness. "I mean, are you going to advertise that homophobes need not apply?" I asked him quietly. I knew if I said it loudly he would have a fit. Worried about the fucking neighbors. Well, the neighbors were getting ready to become our former neighbors so why did it matter? 

"Or better yet! How about 'Two gay rockers seeking mild mannered nanny for bastard child of dead druggie!' " I offered to him in an angered rant. Brian came at me from the doorway with a look of complete vile and for a moment I thought he might hit me. He just shook me by the shoulders. I probably deserved it.

"Don't you ever call her that again!" he bellowed at me and his grabbing my shoulders knocked the cigarette out of my mouth. He moved away from me and we both realized we were out of control. Brian stood and breathed heavily with his hands on his hips as he tried to calm himself. He shot me a look of disbelief at the words I had said about Kim and Tiger Lilly. My mouth sometimes gets the best of me. I didn't mean it, I was just pissed off.

"What's all this shouting?" I heard my mother say as she walked outside looking curious about what we were fighting about. I reached down and picked up my cigarette and tried to form a semblance of a smile.

"It's nothing Mum...don't worry about it..." I told her as I stubbed out my smoke and walked towards her and went to go back inside. I ignored Brian and went straight upstairs. I needed to cool off. It was a pretty hot day and being angry hadn't kept me comfortable. I pulled my sweaty shirt off and tossed it in the clothes hamper and noticed we had another full basket of clothes that needed washing. Maybe I could offer to go do some laundry to get away from everyone for a while. I got my jeans off and slipped on my robe and headed for the shower. I purposely made the water cool and slipped inside to escape my temper and my housemates.

I was fantasizing about having a swimming pool someday and diving in to the deep end as I heard the bathroom door open. It closed with no one speaking so I ignored it and returned to my little daydream.

"I know you're upset about the nanny situation but what you said about Tigs was deplorable.." I heard Brian say outside the shower curtain. I sighed heavily into the water.

"You're right Brian....I'm sorry.." I told him sincerely. I felt bad about my choice of words. It wasn't Tiger Lilly's fault that she was born out of a drink and drug filled mistake. It was my fault. Kim's fault. I can hate Kim all I want but I don't hate my baby.

"You don't owe me an apology...you owe it to your daughter.." he told me firmly. "And don't speak ill of her mother. What if she heard you and was old enough to understand those words?" he pointed out. I knew she wasn't old enough right now but I saw his point about watching what I say. 

"I get it....I won't do it again.." I agreed. I finished my shower and turned off the water. I opened the shower curtain and Brian handed me my towel. He was leaning against the wall and looked sad.

"I'm sorry I upset you....I just lost it....you should have heard the tone that woman used with me on the phone..." I told him; trying to get a little sympathy. Even if I didn't deserve it. "I felt judged Bri...I didn't like it!" I confessed. Brian came up and took my towel from me and started drying my hair off for me.

"I know how it feels Rog...it's degrading and baseless.." he replied as I took comfort in his attention with drying me off. "We can't let other people make us feel that way...they don't even know us babe....they don't know we're good people...."

"I feel like putting an ad in the papers is just asking for another round of judgement from potential nannies turning us down because us who we are...none of them willing to take care of Tigs..." I unloaded my fear on him. I didn't want to have another round of this. I didn't know what we should do.

"It's a shame John Reid didn't have a nanny agency on his list of gay friendly services.." Brian commented with a light laugh. "But I guess we're the first of his clients to have this problem.." he added. I chuckled and looked up at Brian. He had moved away from being angry and was smiling at me. It felt better than his ire. Brian patted my chest as he handed me my towel back. "Get dressed. Clare will be here soon.." he reminded me. I finished drying off as Brian left me alone. I quickly got dressed in the bedroom and headed downstairs. My sister arrived to go to a hairdresser's appointment with my mother. My mother gathered her purse as I took my keys to drive them. I kissed Brian and Tigs goodbye as we took off for the salon.

"Thanks for treating us Roger.." Clare told me from the front seat in the car. I had told my sister to make an appointment for her and my mother to get their hair done and also their nails. Since we got our royalty money, Brian and I wanted to do something for them. They have both helped us with Tiger Lilly.

"Thank you both for your help with Tigs....I don't know what we would have done without you..." I told them. "This is the least we could do..." my sister looked excited for a day of beauty. She smiled at my mother in the back seat. 

"It's good timing for me to get a new haircut and look my best.." Clare commented to me. I wondered if she had a new boyfriend. 

"Is there someone you're hoping to impress?" I asked her with a hint of suggestion to it. She looked a little embarrassed. 

"Actually...I need it to look for a new job.." she replied and seemed a bit subdued. 

"You don't like where you are right now?" I asked her. This was the first I had heard she was looking for something new. 

"Our company got bought out by another one....my department is being made redundant.." she confessed to me. Her expression showed worry. 

"When did this happen?" I asked her; completely surprised at the news. 

"Last week..." she answered. "I'll be out of work in a month.." I felt horrible for her. I knew from reading the papers and hearing people talk in general that finding work right now was near impossible. The band had been fortunate to hire more crew in the past year and we were glad we could employ people. Some of our guys may have had trouble fitting into mainstream work. If they could find it.

"I'm so sorry Clare....do you have anything lined up?" I hoped she would tell me she already had some interviews. She shook her head and retained that worried expression.

"No...not yet...nobody seems to be hiring...I'm a little worried.." she confessed. "I thought about moving back home with Mum but I have to pay my part of the rent through the end of the year.." she explained her situation as we drove. I know she had co-signed a lease with her flat mates last December. If she moved home now, she would still owe several months rent. That was a lot of money to come up with. I wondered if our offices might have a job for her and then it hit me like a bolt of thunder. I smiled and glanced at her as I pulled over in front of the salon.

"Maybe I can find you something..." I told her. She brightened at my news. 

"That would be grand Roger!" she answered. 

"Let me check on it..." I told her as she and my mother got out of the car. "I'll see you in a few hours.." 

I pulled back in to traffic and considered the situation. She needs a job. We need a nanny. She loves Tigs and already has shown us her ability to care for her. Tigs likes her. Brian and Clare adore each other. She would be flexible about our schedule and would love to travel. She's outgoing like me so meeting new people and going new places didn't bother her. And most importantly - she would help us stay private! I couldn't believe I hadn't considered this when we first realized we needed a nanny. It's perfect!

I smiled the entire drive home and quickly parked and went inside. Brian was sitting on the floor with Tiger Lilly playing with her toy piano. He was plonking out an actual tune for her. He looked up at me when I walked in and smiled as he sat behind her on the floor and she was sitting between his long legs and mimicking his motions on the piano keys.

"How would you feel if I told you I found someone who would make a great nanny and who already knows we're gay and raising her together?" I asked Brian. He looked surprised but smiled and nodded.

"Uhhh...I'd feel marvelous! Who is it? he asked me and looked completely curious about who this mystery person is. I gave him a smug look.

"Clare!"


	24. Baby - Let's Have A Party - Part 1

26th July 1975

London

3 a.m.

Roger's POV

You know how they say you wake up on your birthday and instantly feel older? Yeah...well...I felt that way the day I had to take my daughter home to live with me. I felt like I aged ten years. I felt a piece of my youth fall away from me and there was nothing I could do about it. 

I'm 25 years old for Christ's sake! Well...I was yesterday. Way too young to feel like the best years of my life are behind me. But becoming an instant parent does something to you. You're instantly tired and lacking of time. Time to do the things you want to do or time to do absolutely nothing at all. It isn't your time anymore. It's theirs. Their needs dictate your time. I have tried to make my priority taking care of my daughter. It hasn't been easy. While I love her to pieces and want to give her everything, there is a part of me that resents it all. I didn't want this. I didn't ask for it. I'm not always happy. I try to keep my misgivings to myself. Anytime I've tried to talk to Brian about it I mostly get a speech about growing up and dealing with it. Just accept it and be an adult about it! Sometimes I hate him for accepting our new circumstances so easily. He seems to have no qualms about the abrupt change to our routine. To our life together. If he does, he doesn't show it. I guess I never asked him. We seem to not talk about things quite like we used to. Just too busy getting on with it all. He's always so busy with Tigs. With writing songs. With being an adult. We seem to fight more than we ever have in our entire relationship. I don't like that at all. We always make up but it's tense sometimes. We try to get past it. Hang on to the good days. We had a good time on his birthday. I made sure to make it special. I felt like I needed to make up for the fight I know he had with his father. It was about me. About Tigs. Brian would be perfect if he hadn't have met me and started a band and a relationship with me. I know that is what his father really thinks.

I have tried to focus my energy on positive things. We found a new place to live and Clare has agreed to being a nanny for Tiger Lilly. These are good things. These moments have been really good days. We are headed to Wales to begin recording our new album in a few weeks. Things are looking up. We even have a party planned for Tiger Lilly's first birthday. It's all good, right? So why do I keep waking up in the middle of the night with my head full of doubts, resentments, fear, anger and envy. Envy? Yeah. I envy those blokes in our crew who have no real commitments. They are free. They date who they want, they party, they have nothing that holds them to one place. They travel the world and share in a great rock and roll adventure. They're free. I love Brian completely and have no desire to leave. I just feel weighed down by my life right now. I just want to feel light again. I want to feel young again. I just don't want to feel like I'm 26 going on 40!

\-------------------------- 

"Happy birthday Roggie!" Brian told me with a kiss as I rolled over to face him in our bed. He pulled me into his arms and gave me a more meaningful kiss. I was thrilled to get it. This might turn out to be one of the good days. I pressed myself into him to tell him I wanted more. He responded and slipped his tongue into my mouth. We quickly escalated into a heated exchange of tongues, hands and bodies pressed together. Brian rolled me onto my back and pulled the sheet away from me to press his mouth into my neck. I loved the feel of his weight on me and savored his kisses and bites as he began traveling down my chest. He had grinded himself against me and I felt the promise of a good fuck as he took my cock in his hand and shifted his body down between my legs. I eagerly spread them to accommodate him. He stroked my chest as he took me into his mouth. It felt fantastic and a great start to my birthday. I closed my eyes and grabbed a handful of his curls and rolled them into my fists as he worked to get me off.

I was headed to a place of total pleasure when the sound of Tigs crying filled our room. My eyes flew open. I tried to ignore it and closed my eyes again. Brian didn't stop and I clutched his hair tighter and worked to refocus on the sensations taking place. Tigs kept crying and I know why. She is getting a new tooth. An upper lateral incisor to be exact. I know it hurts and she has been irritable for a few days. It was becoming a distraction from our lovemaking. I tried to stop thinking about her and pictured Brian pounding me into the mattress. It was a good idea and my mind returned to dirtier places. Her crying became incessant. I know my mother is with her and can calm her down. I just needed to let that happen. Luckily Brian was doing a great job of disregarding it and pleasuring me. I found my zone again and moaned once I reconnected with the feeling of it all.

"Bihhhmeee" I heard Tigs crying for Brian and knew it was over. I felt him shift against me. I know he couldn't ignore her when she called for him. Fuck! I let go of his hair and patted his head.

"Go on....she needs you..." I told him; feeling deflated in more ways than one. He pulled his mouth off of me and looked up at me. 

"Your mom can handle it..." he argued and looked at the door with concern before he turned back and smiled at me and moved to resume his position between my legs. Tigs kept crying and she said his name again. I sighed and pulled him off me.

"Just go...the moods gone.." I told him. He looked guilty for a moment and then climbed away from me and off the bed. He grabbed my robe and put it on over his briefs to help cover his semi erection and stood looking at me.

"Sorry babe...I'll come back and we'll pick things up.." he told me as he walked to the door. I knew we wouldn't but smiled and nodded at him as he walked out. I rolled over and faced the window and sighed. I could feel myself softening and just buried my face in the pillow.

\------------------------------

8 p.m.

"Sorry about this morning....I'll make it up to you tonight.." Brian told me as we rode in the car to the party. He took my hand and squeezed it and gave me an encouraging look. I smiled and checked my pocket with my free hand to make sure I hadn't forgotten my cigarettes. I really wanted one right now but wouldn't smoke it in the confines of the air conditioned backseat of the hired car. I knew I could smoke to my heart's desire once we arrived at Mick Rock's party. We had received the invitation a couple of weeks ago and it happened to be on my birthday night. I didn't want a family party. I needed to get out of the house. We have been locked into domesticity for months and I needed a break. Brian was more than amiable about going. My mother said she would stay with Tigs. I knew a lot of interesting people would be at this event. We had been to one other party at his place before and had a great time. Met some cool people. He had a lot of friends in the arts and entertainment world. I was hoping to meet some stars tonight. I was hoping Marc Bolan or Bowie might be there.

We arrived at the large building that housed the immense loft that Mick Rock currently called home. It was basically a warehouse and he lived on one floor of it. A doorman guided us onto the industrial lift and we held the rail as we ascended to the party. We could hear the music booming as we arrived on the floor. The doors pulled apart and we stepped into a scene of drinking and dancing and some mild debauchery. My idea of a good time. Brian and I walked in together and surveyed the party goers. I quickly spotted a presenter from a television variety program but I couldn't remember his name. He was talking with the comedian Tim Brooke Taylor from the Goodies tv program. I wasn't overly impressed with the tv host but liked the Goodies well enough. 

We headed over to a bar that was set up and I got a vodka tonic as Brian grabbed a bottled beer. I know Freddie planned to be here. Deacy wasn't. He was still at home with Ronnie and their newborn son. I scanned the room as Brian stood next to me. I quickly spotted the host and saw him nod at me as he recognized us. He made his way over with a Cheshire cat grin and hugged me when he reached us.

"If it isn't the birthday boy!" he remarked to me as we parted. I smiled and took a sip of my drink as he hugged Brian. "How's my favorite secretly married couple tonight?" he teased. 

"Out for some freedom from the home life.." I replied and winked at Brian. Mick smiled and clinked his drink glass against mine. 

"Well cheers to a night of escape.." he toasted. I accepted his toast and downed my drink. Brian shared our toast and Mick suddenly shouted.

"Freddie! Over here!" he called over the crowd of people. I turned to see our very own Mr. Mercury sauntering up towards us with a drink in his hand. He came up and kissed my cheek and hugged me.

"Happy Birthday darling!" he told me and then hugged Brian as well. "You don't look a day over 27 Roger!" Freddie teased as I flipped him off.

"Fuck you Freddie! I'm 26!" I reminded him. He laughed and leaned into Mick. Freddie was already a bit drunk. I was hoping to catch up fast. 

"What do you think Mick? How old does blondie here look, eh?" Freddie asked the photographer. He wrapped his arm around his neck and they both gave me the once over.

"In my professional opinion, I would say you barely look legal!" Mick observed and Freddie guffawed at him. 

"Does that make Brian a cradle robber?" Freddie quipped and Brian rolled his eyes at the two drunk men. I grabbed Brian by the collar to head back to the bar.

"C'mon babe...Let's leave the elderly here to their own vices.." I retorted back to Freddie and Mick. Both being older than myself and Brian. Freddie had a face of mock outrage and then burst out laughing as we walked away. We returned to the bar and I got another drink. I opted for whisky this time and Brian grabbed another beer. We waded our way through some groups of people we didn't recognize. One of them did recognize us and we stopped to chat briefly with the man who turned out to be a producer for a radio program. I paid attention to my drink and finished it quickly as we talked about current music. The guy was a bit boring so I made our excuses and wandered back to the bar.

"Maybe you should slow down Rog...this is your third drink and we haven't even been here an hour.." Brian cautioned me. I was going to make the most of my rare night out and figured getting older was a good excuse to get wasted. "We need to finish packing and get Tigs sorted at the doctor .." Brian added. The reminder of our adult responsibilities stirred my irritation. I got a second drink from the bartender for good measure and turned to Brian as he formed a judgmental look on his face.

"You can skip the lecture Brian...I'm getting shitfaced tonight if I want. It's my birthday and I need a break from our reality right now.." I told him firmly. Brian gave me a disparaging look.

"Yeah...cause getting shitfaced will make it all better.." he told me in a condescending tone. I flipped him off as I walked from the bar; leaving him there as I went to find someone else to hang with. Someone who wouldn't remind me I needed to be a responsible adult tomorrow. 

"Where are you going?" Brian shouted after me. I kept my finger high in the air and headed for the area with a grouping of couches. I noticed a familiar face as I looked for an empty spot to sit down. I couldn't believe my eyes! Malcolm McDowell was seated near Freddie and was talking to a girl I recognized as Mick's studio assistant. Here was the man who played on of my favorite film characters of all times! I was floored to see my 'Alex' sitting in front of me. My droog from A Clockwork Orange! I walked over to Freddie and nudged him.

"Do you see who that is?" I asked him. He nodded and pulled me onto his lap. I didn't argue. There were no other places to sit.

"Yes, darling! I see who it is...he comes here on occasion..." Freddie informed me. "I've met him...he's alright.." he commented. I know I was gawking at him so I tried to play it cool and lit a cigarette. I still found myself looking at him. He noticed me and nodded acknowledgement. I smiled at him and got up from Freddie's lap and introduced myself.

"Hi! I'm Roger...I'm a huge fan!" I exclaimed as I shook his hand. He smiled warmly at me.

"I guess you know who I am then.." he replied. "What do you do Roger?" he asked me as he looked me over. "You a friend of Mick's?"

"I'm a drummer in a rock band....Queen!" I told him. He raised his eyebrows and apparently recognized the name. His eyes moved over to glance at Freddie. 

"Yes! I know Queen! So your bandmates with Freddie are you?" he asked me. I nodded and smiled at him as I took a puff of my cigarette.

"Yeah...we've been mates a long time...he's my best friend actually!" I boasted to him. Brian was technically my best friend but I was pissed at him right now so that bumped Freddie up a notch.

"So what's it like being in a rock and roll band?" he asked me. I smiled and started telling him all about our history and adventures as a group. I filled him in on mine and Freddie's days running a shop and how we knew Mick. He listened with real interest and shared a funny story or two about other musicians he has met. I ended up sitting on the floor at his feet as we spoke. He was an interesting man and he even got me another drink. When he discovered it was my birthday he squandered a bottle of champagne from Mick's refrigerator. He brought it back to our seats with two glasses and popped the cork as the other party goers watched. I noticed Brian come up and watch the activities from the sideline. We made eye contact and he pointed at Malcolm and mouthed 'wow' at me. I nodded to him and he smiled. I wasn't quite as upset with Brian as I was earlier. He had given me some space to party and got off my back. Malcolm handed me the bottle and kept a glass filled with foam and then handed another to Freddie. 

"Happy Birthday Roger!" he toasted and others cheered me as I took the bottle and had a large drink from it. The bubbles tickled my throat but I chugged it a bit to impress the gatherers. I wiped my mouth as I finished and more cheers erupted. I noticed Brian watching me and saw a woman walk up and tap his shoulder. He turned to look at her and appeared star struck. I couldn't tell who it was. I've noticed my eyesight isn't what it once was. Great! I am getting old! My eyes are starting to go on me. Maybe I'm just drunk. I took another drink from the bottle as I watched Brian act nervous and self conscious with the woman. She was familiar and quite beautiful. It was quite noisy so I couldn't hear them. She motioned to him to walk and he followed her. I was distracted by them and didn't hear Malcolm ask me something.

"So...how about a party favor to celebrate your big day?" Malcolm repeated to me when I asked him to. I nodded. Still a bit star struck myself. He was clearly as drunk as I am and had slurred his words. 

"Sure!" I told him. He got up from the couch and took my hand. I stood up from my position on the floor and kept hold of my champagne bottle as Malcolm walked me to the toilet. I looked around and finally found Brian seated on a window ledge talking to the woman who had taken the only empty chair in a quiet corner. She moved her head and I got a better view of her. Fuck! It was that woman from that movie - Age of Consent! We had seen her naked in that movie! She is fuckin hot! Brian was deep in conversation with her about something and seemed charmed by her. I got a weird feeling in my stomach about it and had an impulse to walk over and interrupt their intimate discussion. 

"Are you coming in Roger?" Malcolm asked me drunkenly as I watched Brian. Malcolm noticed what I was looking at and nudged me. 

"Oh... distracted by Helen?" he asked. I nodded to him as my eyes remained on Brian. "She's quite the looker isn't she?" he commented. "Fantastic actress! I hear she likes musicians...you may get lucky!" he informed me. My stomach knotted when he told me this. I realized she was trying to pick up Brian. Malcolm pulled my arm. "C'mon...she's not going anywhere..." he said as I decided to go inside the loo. I figured Malcolm was going to offer me a joint for my birthday. I wasn't big on pot but wouldn't turn down the chance to get high with him. I stood at the sink as he locked the door and pulled out some vials from his pocket. 

"You want a snort or a popper?" Malcolm asked me as he showed me two different vials. His eyes were glazed from drink and he seemed devious as he showed me his stash. I knew that a snort was probably cocaine. I wasn't sure what he meant by a popper.

"What's a popper?" I asked him as I eyed the cocaine vial. I know I like cocaine. He smiled at me but it was almost a little sinister. For a moment, I thought I was in the toilet with Alex from the movie. It both frightened me and turned me on at the same time.

"You just take a whiff of it! It's a quick high! Really intense....lasts several minutes and then you come down...it's incredible!" he explained as he unscrewed the lid. I had heard something about this type of drug but never heard it called a popper. Just some type of inhalant. I figured if it only lasted a few minutes it couldn't be too harmful. I nodded to him and he pulled the lid off and moved it towards my face. His hand was a bit shaky from the alcohol.

"Just breath normally.." he instructed as I let him place it under my nose. I did as he asked and felt a harsh chemical invade my nostrils. Wow! It overwhelmed me and I stepped back involuntarily from the euphoria that ran like a freight train through my nervous system. My body felt like mush all of a sudden. A nice type of mush. Everything had a dream like quality. I tried to grip the counter to keep myself standing but my hands seemed loose. Malcolm grabbed my arm and laughed a little as he steadied me.

"Easy does it.." he told me and pressed me against the wall to keep me standing. My eyes closed on me and my face felt numb but I could sense some pressure on my mouth. I opened my eyes and saw Malcolm smiling at me with his own heavy eyes. He had placed his hand over my mouth and laughed a little.

"I was trying to wipe the smile off your face.." he burst out laughing at his own joke and then removed his hand and took the vial himself and ran it under his nose. I tried to laugh but couldn't really feel my face. We stayed in the toilet and made attempts to laugh as we came down from his party drug. The intensity wore off and I sat down on the toilet as he leaned against the wall. Both of us wearing vacant expressions.

"Ready for a snort?" he asked me. I know I shouldn't do it. I know what happened last time I did coke. For some reason, I didn't really care. There was no girl here to mess around with. I know Malcolm is straight. Or so I assume. I just really wanted to feel free again! I wanted to be outside of myself for one bloody night. I looked at Malcolm and saw the vial clutched in his hand.

"Sure...why not!"

\---------------------- 

"Keep the rest! Happy Birthday!" Malcolm told me as he set the vial down on the sink. I checked my nose in the mirror as Malcolm opened the bathroom door. He strolled out ahead of me as I wiped my hands off on the towel. I used the toilet and washed my hands. My body felt electric and my eyes seemed large and I felt really edgy. I smiled at my reflection and pocketed the vial and then headed out the door. I looked around at the sea of party guests and had a compulsion to run right into them all. Have them lift me up so I could feel even higher than I do right now. I found the makeshift dance floor and had a few dances with Freddie and a few friends of his. I was flying high! I scanned the crowd and spotted that tall crown of curly hair. I made my way over to him and found him standing at the bar holding a beer as he talked to Helen. I had some built up bravado and I felt like interrupting her seduction. I walked up to him and put my arm around his and smiled at him with a sexy leer.

"Hey Brimi...whose your friend?" I asked him in a husky voice. He looked at me with surprise and gestured at the woman.

"Helen Mirren....meet Roger Taylor..." he introduced me but I was annoyed he left out the part where I'm his husband. She smiled and held out her hand to me. I bent down and kissed it and fake smiled up at her.

"Oh! Aren't you the charmer?" she declared as she thinly smiled back and gently slipped her hand out of mine.

"I could say the same for you.." I replied cattily. I could see you flirting with him from across the room.." I said bluntly as I avoided looking at Brian and kept my gaze on her. She seemed embarrassed and crossed her arms in front of her ample breasts.

"Oh really?" she asked me with annoyance. "And why is that any business of yours?" she snapped back. I felt Brian grab me by the arm and turn me towards him.

"We were just talking about her new play Rog..." he told me; sounding defensive. He gestured at her. "She was telling me about the production...she portrays a rock star in it!" he explained. "She was asking some questions for her role.." he claimed. It seemed innocent enough but I couldn't help but remember what Malcolm said about Helen being into musicians. I figured I would leave him to it and pulled my arm out of his grasp.

"Fine! I'll just leave you to it.." I told him curtly. I walked away from the bar and wiped at the itch on my nose. I felt my buzz already dropping away and headed towards the toilet again. I went to it and found the door was locked. Shit! I walked towards the hallway and found the door to Mick's home studio. It was unlocked so I went inside and flipped on one of the lamps. I walked over to the counter and sat down and placed the vial onto the counter. I rolled the vial between my fingers and wondered if I should just toss the rest. I'd had my fun tonight. I opened it to see how much was left. There was about a quarter left. I stuck my pinky inside and covered it in the substance. I was looking at it when I heard the door opening. I panicked and stuck my pinky in my mouth to get rid of the evidence. I shoved the vial into the corner of the counter. I turned to see who it was and found Brian standing at the door with his beer in his hand.

"What are you doing in here?" he asked me as he came inside. I tasted the heavy layer of coke on my tongue and wished it would dissolve. I tried to cover my mouth before I spoke.

"Just wanted some quiet for a moment.." I lied and he seemed dubious of my explanation. He closed the door and leaned against the counter next to me. He looked at me expectantly and then smiled.

"She wasn't flirting with me...we had a serious conversation..." Brian explained. "Helen invited us to the premiere of her play....except we will be in Wales so I had to decline.." he added. 

He took me by the chin and kissed me. I hoped there wasn't any coke residue on my lips. I was starting to feel a rush again. He pulled away and went and locked the door.

"I believe I owe you something.." he told me in a sexy tone and spread my legs and stood between them as I sat at the counter on a bar stool . He cupped my face with both hands and kissed me passionately. I felt a rush of of lava course through me as he reached down and palmed my crotch. I opened my mouth to moan and Brian slipped his tongue inside. We began kissing heavily. He paused for a moment and got a funny look.

"Did you eat something?" he asked me. I shook my head. There was no way I was telling him about the coke. He dismissed his own question and resumed kissing me. I felt a wave of euphoria wash over me. The coke was kicking in. It was amplifying everything and I grabbed him and pressed him tight against me.

"Fuck Bri!" I groaned as he grinded against me. I grabbed his ass and kneaded it as we made out like two rabid teenagers. Our mouths and bodies stayed connected as I began to lose my balance on the bar stool. "Gonna fall off.." I mumbled in between heated kisses. Brian started laughing and pulled me off the stool. I felt another rush as I landed on my feet and hobbled a bit. Brian stilled me in his arms and I looked up into his eyes and saw how huge they looked. His mouth was slack and he looked a little dazed. 

"You're so fucking beautiful..." Brian told me in a husky voice as he wiped my hair from my eyes and looked right into my soul. It made both my heart and my cock throb and I smashed my mouth back against his. He hadn't told me I was beautiful in a while. It felt good to hear it. Brian lifted me up with ease and I wrapped my legs around him as he moved me to stand against the wall. I moved my hands down to undo his trousers. I wanted him to fuck me right here; right now. He grabbed my hands and stopped me.

"Let's go home so I can take care of you.." he suggested to me in a softened voice. He ran his tongue over my neck. It felt amazing and only strengthened my desire to do it right now.

"No! Fuck me right here.." I countered. He smiled but then shook his head and laughed.

"Let's just go...okay? I promise I'll make it worth your while..." he assured me as he pulled away from me and began to adjust his clothes. I was annoyed that he stopped. I knew my buzz would be gone by the time we got home. I sighed and started straightening my clothes out.

"Fine! But you better make it good!" I demanded. He laughed and leaned in to kiss me. My buzz was starting to falter. I sighed inside.

"Promise.." he told me as he took my hand and opened the door to the room. I looked back and saw the coke vial sitting on the counter and grimaced. Shit! I couldn't go after it. I followed Brian's lead and we walked out; heading towards the exit. He surprisingly kept hold of my hand which helped to make up for his refusal to finish me off at the party. We walked by Helen who looked up as we came by. She noticed our hands enter twined and gave me a look of surprise. I saw her glance at Brian and then felt him squeeze my hand tighter. I was happy. He was showing her he was taken. I beamed despite my high dissipating away. We neared the door and saw Freddie. 

"You boys taking off?" he asked us as he sipped his drink. Brian nodded and hugged him goodbye. I leaned in for a quick hug and he whispered to me.

"Happy birthday blondie....love you!" 

"Goodnight Freddie..." I answered as Brian opened the door for us to leave. We walked to the lift and stood and waited for it. He kept hold of my hand since we were alone. He turned and kissed me. The door opened behind us and someone came out.

"There you are! I almost missed you.." It was Malcolm! Shit! He came up to me and had an embarrassed grin on his face. "I hate to ask...but can I get my vial back?" he asked me in front of Brian. Malcolm gave me an apologetic expression. "It was a gift you see....do you have it?" he asked again. I avoided looking at Brian and quietly answered Malcolm as I felt Brian's hand slip out of mine. I didn't know what he was thinking right now but I needed to get rid of Malcolm.

"Sorry...it's not on me....it's on the counter in Mick's studio..." I told him meekly. Malcolm smiled and patted my arm. He moved towards the door. He stopped and looked at me again. 

"Is there any coke left?" he asked. I shuddered as he said the words and just nodded to him. "Thanks Roger....happy birthday!" he replied and slipped back inside. The lift was arriving as I turned to face Brian. His face showed absolute horror. Then sheer anger.

"Tell me now Rog.....and you better tell me the truth!" he said to me in a voice that reminded me of his father's. "Did you take any of that coke?" I knew my moment of truth was upon me. If I lied and was found out, well... I knew I had to fess up. I decided to remind him it was my birthday and I was entitled to a little fun.

"It was a birthday present from Malcolm! I couldn't refuse him...it would have been rude!" I argued. Brian's facial expression shifted from dismay to disbelief.

"I'll be sure and tell Tiger Lilly that when I have to explain why her sole surviving parent thought it was a good idea to get fucked up on drugs after her mother already died from them.." he shouted at me with complete disgust as the lift opened and he shoved me in. I stumbled and grabbed the rail as he turned and slammed the lift door shut. It started to move and Brian looked straight ahead. Ignoring me.

\--------------------------

27th July 1975

I woke up with a terrible headache and felt like I weighed a ton. My limbs were like bricks. There was a horrible taste in my mouth and my throat felt thick. I coughed a little and rolled over on the bed. I wasn't sure what time it was but the bed was empty. Brian wasn't there. I glanced over at the clock and noticed it was a little blurry. Shit! I really think I might need to get my eyes checked. I squinted and realized it was 11:20 a.m. Fuck! I shot up in the bed and got out despite my body screaming for me to stop. It ached all over and I felt like lead. I went to open the door and saw a note attached to it with a thumb tack. I pulled it off the door and read it. I squinted to make out all the words.

I still can't believe what you did last night  
I hope you feel like shit because you deserve it!  
You didn't wake up in time so we have taken Tigs to her doctor's appointment   
Please try to get some packing done before we get back  
I didn't tell your Mother. I'll leave that up to you.  
Please promise me you won't do this again.  
I love you and I need you and so does Tiger Lilly

Bri

At first I was mad when I read it. My impulse was to crumple it up and toss it in the trash. My chest burned as I thought about what it said. It was a guilt trip! I went to the bathroom and showered so I would feel human again. I gave in to his demand and got around and found some boxes and started packing the items in our bedroom cupboard. I shoved a bunch of things around in frustration. The anger I felt at his note had started shifting to something else. I knew what it was but tried to ignore it. I came across a box of old photographs and the lid came off as I tried to get in the larger box. The pictures spilled out. I cursed as I picked them up and shoved them back in the container. I noticed one of them. It was a picture Brian took of me a few years back. I looked so young and innocent. It shook me a little to see it. Because I don't feel so young and innocent anymore. I looked up and saw my reflection in the full length mirror on the cupboard door. There was a different person looking back at me from the one in the picture. I shoved the photo in the box and felt the sting of tears in my eyes. I packed the entire cupboard before he got home and cried every time I caught my reflection in the mirror.

I packed the entire cupboard before he got home and cried every time I caught my reflection in the mirror


	25. Baby - Let's Have A Party - Part 2

6th August 1975

London

Brian's POV

"I'm going to pick up the cake. I'll be back.." Roger told me as he took off out the door. I looked over the cloth covered table and made sure it looked clean and pressed. Winnie came over and set a stack of plates and forks next to the spot designated for Tiger Lilly's birthday cake. Everything looked really nice. Clare had just finished hanging the purple and pink crepe paper so I picked up one of the white balloons and began blowing it up. I watched Clare climb down from the chair and she giggled at me as I accidently let the balloon slip and it made a rude sound as it deflated. I had to laugh myself. It was pretty funny.

"I've got it!" she said as she grabbed the bag of balloons from the table.. "Go get ready..." she encouraged me. I handed her my sad balloon and admitted defeat.

"Alright...thanks for helping.." I told her as I headed towards the stairs. 

"Help...it's what I do now.. Remember?" Clare teased me. I keep forgetting she's a paid nanny for us now and not just helping because she is a kind and gracious Aunt. It's been a strange adjustment. I laughed to myself as I went up to my bedroom. Well.. Roger and I's new bedroom. We had moved to the new house almost a week ago. You could still catch a whiff of the fresh paint smell as you climbed the stairs. We had several rooms painted before we moved in. Clare got her pink bedroom as promised and Tiger Lilly's room had a fresh coat of white and was decorated in Winnie The Pooh. Roger and I both loved A.A. Milne's stories and the characters had been licensed by Disney. They had issued a line of nursery decorations and we both fell in love with it.

I have to admit that finding this bedding while out shopping for Tiger Lilly's birthday was a nice surprise for Roger and myself. Things have been tense between us since his own birthday. I was angry about his foolish behavior at the party. He told me I was blowing an isolated event out of proportion. We barely spoke to each other the next day and I took Tigs to her one year checkup without him. He needed to stay home and sleep off his high. He also needed to think about what he had done.

We got busy preparing to move and we slowly tried to get back to a place where we weren't angry with each other. It's been tough. I can't recall a time in our relationship where we have fought and irritated each other like we do right now. I try to remember how much our lives have changed in the past six months. I guess it's been easier for me to adjust than for Roger.

Shopping together for the baby's birthday was a good idea though. It was fun to see what you can buy a one year old. Roger loved all the toys and picking out new clothes for her. He seemed like his old self that day and it was a relief to me. We seemed to reconnect in our shared joy of planning her big day. It was something positive we could both hang on to for now. It made today extra special since we were getting along. 

I heard the doorbell downstairs and checked the clock. Someone had arrived early for the party. I went downstairs to find Winnie standing at the door speaking to the guests. She stepped aside and I was surprised to see both my parents walking in. I had hoped my mother would come today but hadn't counted on my father showing up. We had not spoken since my birthday. Our last words had been heated and I was left with the impression when I called my mother to tell her about Tigs's birthday party that my father wasn't coming. 

"Hi!" I greeted them both warmly and exchanged a hug and kiss with my mother. Her and my father both were staring at my new house. It was their first time here.

"My goodness Brian! This is quite impressive!" My mother remarked with a sense of awe as she walked around gawking at each room. I felt a surge of pride watching her admire our new home. I had to remind myself that this place is much bigger than my parents modest semi-detached house.

"Thanks Mum! Here...I'll give you a quick tour.." I told them both and showed them each room downstairs. They both seem impressed with the large sitting room with its fireplace and loved our sunroom in the back. My mother practically gasped at the kitchen. Especially the new washing machine. It was a major upgrade from the model we had at home. I realized this would be a great Christmas gift to her this year. Of course, this depends on us continuing to make good money. Winnie joined us on the tour and her and my mother jointly admired and commented about everything. When we were looking at the new music room, my father took my arm and held me back after we talked about the piano we now had installed at home. Winnie took my mother to go look upstairs and check on the sleeping baby. 

"I'd thought we'd talk for a minute.." my father said as the women left the room. I nodded and watched him look over the piano, drums and guitars that now filled this spare room. He didn't look at me as he began speaking.

"Your mother was right... this house is impressive.." he remarked as he inspected the locked cabinet I'd installed for the Red Special. "Good job on the cabinet son.." he told me after finishing his overview. It was a nice compliment coming from him. He has high standards.

"I learned from the best.." I reminded him. He smiled thinly and tuned to face me.

"I hope I taught you more than woodworking.." he replied and seemed deep in thought. "I guess I owe you an apology Brian.." he suddenly said out of the blue. I was shocked at his words and it felt odd hearing him say this. "I was harsh in my judgement when we spoke on your birthday...too quick in doling out my views on your situation." I smiled at him. I could understand having a strong reaction. We all experienced something similar when we first heard of Tiger Lilly's existence.

"I know it was a lot to absorb in one sitting Dad...I wish there had been an easier way to tell you.." He nodded understanding and came up and patted my arm.

"Well I guess there is no good way to share that type of news.." he concurred. "I know neither you nor Roger asked for this to happen. I should have commended you for giving the child a home and the care she needs. Instead...I...well...I judged you both. I'm sorry.." I know what it took for my father to admit he was wrong. He is a stubborn man. Like I am as well. I smiled warmly at him. Grateful for a chance to mend our relationship.

"Apology accepted.." I told him sincerely. He breathed out and seemed relieved our quarrel was over. I know I was. He put his arm around me and smiled.

"Why don't you show me the upstairs?" He asked and I nodded and gestured to him to go first.

We made it upstairs and found Winnie and my mother speaking to Clare as they looked at her new room. They were talking about nannies when I heard Tigs in her bedroom.

"Hang on Dad.." I told him as I opened her bedroom door and went it to get her. She was awake from her nap. I left the door open as I went to her cot. She was standing up and staring up at me with a cute grin. Those gorgeous blue eyes shining and bright from a good rest.

"Hello poppet...did you have a nice rest?" I asked her as I reached in and pulled her out of her cot and nestled her in my arms. She instantly grabbed my hair and started playing with it as I carried her to the changing table. I smiled when I noticed my Dad watching from the doorway as I changed her nappy and grabbed the outfit she would wear to her party.

"Biihhmeee" she said to me as I fitted her dress to her. It was a nice yellow dress with a dotted swiss pattern on it. Winnie had bought it for her and it was perfect for a hot summer day. Winnie and my mother joined my Dad in the doorway and checked out her room as I picked her up to carry her downstairs.

"Can you waive hello?" I asked Tigs as she looked at her audience as we approached the doorway. My mother waived to her and Tigs giggled and then threw herself against my shoulder. Feeling a little shy. I cooed at her to coax her back. "She just wants to say hello Tigs.." I explained as she came back up to peer at my mother. Tigs looked at her and they shared a smile. I could see in my mother's eyes happiness but also some envy. I know she wishes I had a child that she could call her grand-daughter. I felt bad but this was better than nothing. 

"Hi Tiger Lilly..." my mother said to her and admired her dress. "That's a lovely dress you have on....happy birthday!" she said to her in her warm soft voice. Tigs looked at her with an odd expression and then looked at me.

"You and your mother have a similar quality in your voices.." Winnie pointed out. "I'm sure she is hearing this when Ruth speaks to her.." Winnie smiled at my mother. "Brian is so good with her Ruth. He is a wonderful parent..." she told her. I blushed at her compliment and saw my mother beam at Winnie.

"He always had a way with the little ones.." my mother replied and looked at me and Tigs with warmth. 

"I'm back!" Roger shouted as he came in the front door. 

\-------------------- 

Roger's POV 

The cake was perfect! I drove home carefully to avoid messing it up and gently carried it inside from the driveway. It was nice not having to park on the street and only have a few feet to reach the front door. I went inside and announced I was back. I walked into the kitchen and found no one around. The decorations were up and it added a nice festive quality to the occasion. I sat the cake down on the counter as I heard someone coming. Brian was coming down the stairs with Tiger Lilly. She was dressed for the party and looked beautiful!

"Awww! You look so pretty baby girl..." I exclaimed as Brian walked up and handed her to me. She smelled wonderful. Fresh, like baby powder and was squirming in my arms. Brian and I exchanged a hopeful glance as I turned to take her into the living room so she could try to walk. We had been working with her the past week and coaxing her to take a few steps. She hasn't managed it yet, but we were hopeful for today. I sat her down on the carpet and squatted down in front of her to hold her hands while she balanced on her feet. Brian stood a few feet away and then sat down on the floor. He sat crossed legged and held his arms out as I began to speak encouragement to Tigs.

"C'mon Tiger! Walk to Brimi..." I told her with a lilt in my voice. She was bouncing up and down on her feet and jabbering at us. I let go of her hands as she steadied herself on her own. Her soft golden hair had a kinky quality from the humidity of the summer heat. There was an expression of sheer joy and mirth on her as she contemplated moving. My mother, Clare and the Mays had come in to watch us as we coached her. They remained standing and quiet as Tigs suddenly moved forward. She bent at her waist at the same time she moved her left leg. I thought she was going to fall so I held out my hand to be able to grab her but she managed to recover and toddled slightly. She remained solid in her little black mary jane shoes and ankle socks. 

"That's it girl....you can do this....take a step.." I told her with confidence. Brian looked anxious but excited and we both watched as Tigs lifted her leg again and then her foot. I felt my breathing stop as she eventually moved towards Brian using her feet. She was actually taking a step!

"C'mon poppet!' Brian encouraged her with a huge smile on his face. He wiggled his fingers at her and she continued moving towards him. She took another step and it actually felt real. She was walking! I shared an open mouthed look of astonishment with Brian as we both realized she was doing it. I heard a gasp from my mother and turned quickly to smile at her.

"She's walking!" I announced excitedly as I turned my attention back to my daughter. She managed a few more uneasy steps before she fell into Brian's arms. He swooped her into a hug and looked like he might cry. The joy on his face mirrored my own. I never realized how amazing this moment would be. How good it would feel to see her do something as simple as walk.

"Tigs...you did it!" I told her as I moved over next to Brian and patted her back as Brian held her up in front of his lap. The others came in the room and walked over to congratulate her. I leaned into Brian as we watched her react to everyone. She was excited and talking her gibberish. Brian let my mother take her from him. When he turned back to me I saw tears in his eyes. He looked so proud. I felt emotional myself and finally understood something about what it means to be a father. I reached up and wiped a tear that escaped Brian's eye. He looked sheepish for a moment but then we shared a warm happy smile. It really was a remarkable moment. 

"Are you proud Papa?" Brian asked me as he looked at me with affection and pride. I nodded and felt like I could actually cry as well. I fortified myself and just smiled.

"I am....yeah!" I replied. Brian leaned over and kissed me. This didn't not help my emotional state. It felt good to have a tender moment with him. Not one full of tension and frustration. We sat and watched the others fuss over Tiger Lilly. The doorbell rang and we got up to answer it and welcome her party guests. 

Later than day

I packed up the party trash and made sure all the wrapping paper and boxes were picked up before I went to take the full bag to the bin outside. I walked out front and threw it away and then pulled out my cigarettes to have a quick smoke. I got it lit and leaned against the house. I realized we needed to get a bench or some type of seating for the front porch. I heard the door open and Brian's father came outside. He walked towards me as he pulled out his own cigarettes. I got my lighter and held it up as he came over. I lit his cigarette and he nodded to me.

"Thank you.." he told me as he stood with his arms crossed but his cigarette moving to his mouth occasionally. It was a bit awkward to be alone with him since we had last spoken on Brian's birthday. Harold had registered strong reservations to Brian. His feelings about our relationship and our taking care of Tiger Lilly. I tried to relax and hope we could pretend it never happened. He had come to the party so he must have changed his mind to a degree about his feelings or he just wanted to stay in good standing with Ruth.

"Thanks for coming today..." I told him to try and take the tension off the moment. He smiled and took a drag of his cigarette. He seemed like he wanted to say something and I worried he was going to continue his lecture from what he started with Brian a few weeks ago.

"Roger....I have to say...you sometimes surprise me!" he remarked as he looked at me with a curious expression on his face. I had no idea where this was leading. I swallowed hard and tried to remain calm. He finished his cigarette and smashed it against the brick. "It seems like when I decide you may not be the best thing for Brian...you do something to change my mind.." he confessed to me. I couldn't help the expression that crossed my face. I was taken aback by his comment. 

"What do you mean?" I really didn't have a clue what he was getting at. It troubled me to know he did think I am not the best thing for Brian at times. Though deep down I sometimes wondered it myself. Especially lately. He has been frustrated with me. 

"You really do make him happy.." Harold replied. He shifted from his spot on the porch to avoid the afternoon sun and looked at me intently. "I can't ever recall seeing him as joyful as he is with you....except maybe when we made his guitar..." he remarked to me. "Now...watching him with your daughter...." he said and then paused as he seemed to recall some happy memory. "Well..there is that same happiness all over again.." I had a warm feeling wash over me as I watched Harold smile at me in a way he never had before. It was quite heartening. 

"I love him Sir. He makes me very happy.." I wanted him to know the feeling was mutual. I love his son more than anything. More than my own child. It's wrong but it's true. I felt my love for her grow today though. She is a close second. "I know having Tiger Lilly makes him happy....he's so good with her.." I added. Harold seemed to agree. I put out the remains of my cigarette as Harold went for the door. He stopped for a moment and patted my arm.

"I won't lie to you Roger...Ruth adores Tiger Lilly. She talks about her all the time..." he confided to me. "If you ever need help with her..." he hinted to me. "We'd be happy to help.." he patted my arm again as he went inside and I followed. I was amazed at their acceptance of our situation and my daughter. Whatever misgivings Harold had about us as parents seemed to have disappeared or he has decided to mask them. At this point, I'm happy to accept their blessing. I walked in to find Ruth sitting on the couch next to Brian as Tiger Lilly stood between them. Ruth was engrossed in coaxing her to speak. Brian watched with admiration and love. I felt a surge of emotion watching them enjoy her company together. Seeing how this was something special for them. A semblance of being a grandparent, even though she isn't their biological offspring. 

"Who are you talking to Tigs?" I found myself asking my daughter. She turned at the sound of my voice. She had a wondrous glow. Her blue eyes wide and curious.

"Pa!" she announced to me. I was thrilled to hear her say my name so clearly. I wanted her to respond to Ruth though. I walked over and knelt down by her. I pointed to myself.

"Yes...I'm Papa!" I confirmed to her. She smiled at me. I took my hand and moved it as she watched me and pointed at Ruth.

"Who is she?" I asked her. She moved her eyes to look at Ruth and gazed curiously. She didn't speak. Brian was watching her as well and then glanced at me. Wondering what I was up to.

"Tigs!" I said to her and she turned to me again. "Is that Nana?" I asked her. The look on Ruth's face was worth more than a gold record to me at that moment. Her heart practically burst out of her chest as she smiled at me with a glint of a tear. I took my daughter's hand and used it to point at Ruth. I smiled at them both.

"Say Nana!" I told my daughter. Ruth held her hand to her throat and looked at my daughter like she hung the moon. Tigs was curious but then got a look that reminded me of myself. A look I know Brian has commented on before.

"Nahhh.." she said suddenly. We erupted in laughs and smiles at her accomplishment. I glanced at Ruth and she caught my eye. She was in heaven! I couldn't help myself and leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Is Nana okay?" I asked her. She beamed at me and kissed my cheek back.

"It's lovely dear....just lovely..." 

\--------------------

2:45 am

I woke up and shifted my body on the mattress to get more comfortable. There was a lot of space and I realized the bed was empty next to me. Brian wasn't in bed. I glanced at the clock and wondered where he was. I slowly sat up and listened for any sounds of him. Our bathroom door was open so I got out of bed and headed out the door. The only light was the little night light we had in the hallway. I saw Tiger Lilly was asleep in her room as I peaked through the doorway. Clare's door was only open by a sliver and the light was off. I padded downstairs and could begin to hear acoustic guitar sounds. I immediately went to the music room and opened the door to see Brian hunched over his guitar strumming away on it. He saw me come in and kept playing as he looked over something in his song notebook. I stood and watched him as I leaned in the doorframe. It was a beautiful upbeat melody. One I had never heard before. He stopped strumming and picked up his pen.

"What are you doing up? he asked me as he jotted something down on the opened page of his book. 

"I could ask the same of you...I thought you were asleep next to me.." I remarked. He nodded and tapped his notebook with his finger.

"I woke up a while ago and couldn't go back to sleep..." he explained. I had an idea and came down to work on it..." I understood this and knew Brian got ideas at odd times. I sat down in an empty chair and folded my arms in front of me.

"What's the song?" I asked him. He handed me his notebook and I read over his writing. It didn't have a title yet. I perused the first few lines he had.

'Don't you hear my call....though you're many years away  
Don't you hear me calling you  
Write your letters in the sand...for the day I take your hand  
In the land where our grandchildren knew..' 

The words were unusual and it seemed like a story. I looked up at Brian after reading over his work. I handed him his notebook.

"That's really different....what's it about?" I wondered. He got that look that told me he was getting ready to put his high intelligence cap on. 

"Have you ever heard of Einstein's clock paradox theory? Time dilation?" he asked me. I felt instantly like an idiot and shook my head. I wondered how long this conversation would take. I felt a yawn coming on.

"Of course I haven't.." I told him and tried not to sound snide. He grinned at my ignorance and his demeanor shifted from husband to teacher.

"Let me try to explain it in lay terms..." he started. I was grateful he was going for the dumber approach. "If you were an astronaut and you traveled across the galaxy at the speed of light, there is an impact on time...time itself..." he explained to me. I was with him so far. I nodded understanding. 

"So lets say you took a round trip and were gone for a year. That's a year that you counted in the total days you were gone..." he continued. "Because time works differently when you travel at that speed and distance, everything for you has slowed down...time wise. So for you what seems to be a year in time is actually different for those you left behind on earth. It is likely that a hundred years...perhaps more has passed for them." I got the gist of what he was saying but couldn't understand what it had to do with a song.

"Okay...I get it...what does this have to do with your song?" I asked him. He drew that warm smile on his face as he looked at his lyrics and then back at me.

"The song is a story about a ship that travels away from earth and when they come back, they realize how much time has passed. It's a hundred or more years Rog....everyone they knew is dead and gone..." he explained. It seemed like a sad topic for a song.

"So...it's a space ballad?" I asked him; trying to sound serious and not taking the piss at all. He nodded and got an amused look on his face.

"I hadn't considered that...but yeah...that's what it is.." he replied. He kept the amused look as I got up and walked over to him.

"Since they're gone an equivalent of a hundred years or more...it sounds like you have time to get some sleep.." I told him cheekily. I put out my hand to him. He chuckled and nodded to me as he set the guitar against the wall next to him and took my hand.

"Alright....take me to bed.." he surrendered to me with a smile. I grabbed his hand and we headed upstairs.

"Come on space boy..."


	26. All The Dreams We Had

Rockfield Farm/Studio

Wales

August 1975

Clare's POV

I have to say that getting out of the city during the summer heat was a welcome respite. The day after Tiger Lilly's birthday party, we took my mother to the train station to send her off to care for my ailing Aunt and then packed to go to Wales. I quickly got ready and then helped Brian pack up everything we would need for the baby. Roger took care of the car and securing the house for our absence. Armed with a boot load of nappies, a play pen and the Red Special, we climbed in the family car and headed out. The three hour drive was scenic and Tigs managed it pretty well. This trip was a longer stay and much more work focused than the time they spent at Ridge Farm. They only had Tiger Lilly with them about 5 days during that trip. The plan was for me to go and care for her during their entire stay in Wales. Roger had explained to me that it was time to record their new album and I should expect them to be quite busy.

I had been around Roger and Brian during some of their time working on their last album. Brian was recovering from his surgery and once he was back in the studio, he was absolutely obsessed with work. I had already noticed a change in Brian since we moved in together at the new house. He spent a lot of time with Tigs but I often found him in the music room. He was definitely shifting into work mode. A few mornings I found him still in bed at 11am as he had been up most of the night working on songs. On the drive to Wales he had been animated and excited about getting to work.

As we rode to the farm on that bright summer day with the windows down in the car, I sat in the back seat and noticed how well the two in front had been getting along the past few days. This was a change from a few weeks ago. When they first asked me to be their nanny, I was thrilled. I had readily accepted and we talked about what my role would be in Tiger Lilly's life. I quit my job and started working for them immediately. I wanted to get used to being around them all the time and learn how they wanted me to care for my niece before we left on our trip. In spending more time with them I noticed there had been a change in the relationship. There was a strain there. I know suddenly becoming parents had to be a huge adjustment for them. On the surface they seemed fine. Since I had known them as a couple for so long, I could see differences in the way they interacted with each other. The main thing I noticed was that they fight a lot more than they used to. And over petty things. Brian got onto Roger one day about some dirty dishes and it seemed to escalate quickly into a shouting match. I laid low with Tiger Lilly upstairs at the old flat as my mother packed her suitcases. She told me this was not the first time she had witnessed bickering between them. She blamed it on a lack of sleep and the stress of finding a new place to live and an album deadline looming. I agreed that all these things happening at once were a lot to cope with. And adjusting to the baby being in their lives. I decided then it was important to help them as much as I could. Seeing them in a calmer and happier place felt reassuring. 

We arrived safely at the farm and got settled into our rooms. They were planning to work primarily in a studio on the farm that was called The Quadrangle. Everyone was housed in the area adjoining this studio except for the four of us. A separate bungalow on the grounds was set aside for our use. This was to provide a quiet place for Tiger Lilly to maintain her schedule but also a hideaway in the event any journalists showed up. It was a small place but we had our own bathroom and kitchen. The others had to share these amenities so we were lucky. The farm had kindly provided a cot and high chair for the baby to use while we are here. We set up her play pen in the small living room. On the day we arrived, we got settled in to our new surroundings and Brian and Roger grabbed their notebooks and headed off for a meeting a few hours later. After putting Tigs down for a nap, I unpacked her food and other necessities. I quietly put away both our clothes readied a meal for us both. I found a radio in the kitchen and tuned it to a good station. As I got familiar with the kitchen a newer song came on the radio. It was a dance number from the Bee Gees. I found myself dancing around as I listened to 'Jive Talkin' for the first time. I didn't hear the boys come in from their meeting as I shimmied around on the kitchen floor. I almost jumped out of fright as Roger came up and bumped his hip against mine. I shrieked and he laughed and caught me in his arms after almost stepping out of my shoes. I quickly settled down and we started dancing together as the song played out. When it ended we laughed.

"I didn't mean to scare you like that....I just wanted to dance.." Roger told me with sincerity. 

"I know that...you just surprised me!" I slapped his arm in jest. "It was nice to share a dance though...it's been a while.." I remarked as I resumed trying to focus on cooking. Roger started walking through the bungalow and opened all the windows. I turned the radio down.

"It's stuffy in here..." he commented as he moved into the bedroom to open more windows. He came back out and sat down at the table by the kitchen. "Would you mind fixing me something?" Roger asked as he looked over the newspaper on the table. I nodded and opened the refrigerator to see what we had. I started noticing the air feeling a little cooler and was grateful for Roger's idea about the windows.

"I can make you something...how about a bacon and egg sandwich?" I asked as I checked for some eggs. 

"Sounds good...I'm hungry..." he replied. I pulled out the bacon and got a pan from a hanging rack. Brian came through the door holding his notebook and wiping his forehead. He looked warm as he went and grabbed a paper towel to use to mop his damp face.

"Are you hungry Bri?" I asked as he stood next to Roger. He shook his head after wadding up the used paper towel.

"Not right now....I'll get something later.." he told me. He bent down and pulled a slip of paper from his book. "Here's the schedule we finished.." he told Roger and they both looked over it. When they finished Brian walked over and placed it under a magnet on the refrigerator. I glanced at it and saw they were beginning tonight. Wow! Brian disappeared into the bathroom as I worked on making Roger's sandwich.

"So you start recording tonight?" I asked him as Roger read the newspaper. He looked up as I walked over with his food. 

"Yeah...we have to make the most of the time we're here..." he explained. "Thanks Bear.." he told me as he took the sandwich. I went back to making myself something when I heard Tigs in the bedroom. I turned off the stovetop and turned to see Brian coming out of the bathroom and he waived at me as he went in to get her. 

"I've got her....get your food.." he told me as he went in. I shrugged and turned back to the stove. I finished my cooking as Brian came out holding Tigs in his arms. He had her dressed and cleaned up from sleeping. "I'm going to take her for a walk to get some fresh air.." Brian announced as he slipped her shoes on her. I plated my food and went to sit down next to Roger. He was watching Brian and leaned over to kiss Tiger Lilly as Brian walked her over to say goodbye. Roger then moved up and Brian leaned down and kissed Roger. "Want to join us?" Brian asked him. Roger shook his head.

"I would but I'm going to take a shower...I feel a bit icky from the drive and such.." he replied. Brian looked disappointed but picked up the baby to leave.

"Okay....we'll be back.." he announced as he opened the door and they left. I ate my food as Roger stood up and stretched. He gave me the newspaper and headed towards the bathroom. I opened up the paper to read the local news as I heard his shower start up. I finished eating and took my plate to the sink. I got some water ready and started doing the dishes. I turned the radio up again and listened as they started playing the newest release from David Bowie. I danced in place again as the song started getting funky.

Fame, (fame) what you like is in the limo  
Fame, (fame) what you get is no tomorrow  
Fame, (fame) what you need you have to borrow Fame  
Fame, (fame) it's mine, it's mine, it's just his line  
To bind your time, it drives you to crime (fame)

I began wiping the dishes dry as the song kept going. The door burst open with the cries of a child and I turned to see Brian holding Tiger Lilly in his arms with a distraught look on his face. She was screaming and it frightened me. I dropped the towel and ran towards them.

"Brian! What happened?" I shouted as I got close. He was hanging onto her and tears were pooling in his eyes. He seemed frantic. He moved quickly to the couch to sit her down but wouldn't let go of her. Tigs kept wailing. I followed him. I hoped she was okay.

"She..she f..fell!" he exclaimed with a half cry. "We were p..p.practicing her w.walking and sh.she..f.fell!" he told me with his voice getting hysterical the more he spoke. I heard the bathroom door open and Roger came out wearing only a towel. He was wrapping it tight around his waist.

"What's all this?" Roger asked in a worried tone as he hurried over to the couch. Brian saw him and completely lost it. I tried to pry Brian's hands away so I could get a look at Tigs to see if she was hurt. He wouldn't let go of her. Roger knelt down in front of them. I moved to the other side of the couch to give him space. 

"She fell..." Brian sobbed and leaned into Roger as he clung to Tigs. The baby was still crying and I wondered if she was hurt or if Brian's emotional state had frightened her. Roger tried to reach over to the baby. Brian seemed panicked at letting her go. He clung to her and kept crying. My heart was hammering in my chest.

"Let go of her Bri!" Roger took one of Brian's arms and held onto Brian and then lifted Brian's other arm away from the baby. He looked at me to help and I nodded as I gently reached over the couch and pulled Tiger Lilly from Brian's hold. He jerked in response and Roger grabbed him to stop him trying to get the baby back. He held Brian's arms and began speaking to him. Brian's eyes were wild and he was out of control with emotion. It was frightening to watch.

"Brian!" Roger said to him sternly. Brian whipped his head around to look at Tigs. I had walked her around to sit down on the other couch and gently laid her down next to me to look her over. "Brian! Look at me!" Roger told him again with a stronger tone. Brian turned and looked at Roger. He was still crying. His face was red and he looked inconsolable. "Brian....calm down babe..." Roger told him; softening his voice. Roger ran a hand over Brian's arm and gave him a reassuring look. "You've got to calm down.." Brian looked into Roger's eyes and nodded slightly. He choked a little on his sobs and then looked back over at me.

I checked out Tigs and found her shoes and dress were dirty and she had a small cut on her knee. She must have gone down on her knee when she fell. It was dirty and had bled a little. It was just a caked up mess of grime and blood now. I looked everywhere else and she seemed fine. I was so relieved! She was okay! I held her to me and rocked her a little. Trying to soothe her. Brian was still crying and watching me with worry all over his face.

"Rog...she's only got a little cut on her knee...it stopped bleeding.." I explained. Roger instantly looked relieved but poor Brian's face registered anguish as I explained her minor injury. He kept crying and I could tell it was affecting the baby. I moved to stand up. "I'm just going to get her cleaned up and find a plaster for her knee." I explained; wanting to leave the room. Brian erupted in a fresh set of tears and grabbed at his hair. Roger and I shared a concerned look as Roger moved to sit next to Brian on the couch as I stood up. I went to the bedroom as Roger put his arms around Brian. He reached up to pull Brian's hands out of his own hair.

"Brian....babe....you've got to calm down...she's okay.." I heard him tell Brian. I left the room door open as I sat Tigs on the bed and grabbed some baby wipes to clean her up. I could hear Brian calming down but still whimpering a little. I found a plaster and stuck it on after the cut dried. Tigs had quieted down quickly when I took her away from the noise and she finally relaxed and cooperated as I wiped off her clothes and checked her all over again for safe measure. She was fine. I picked her up and cuddled her against me as I walked over to look out the doorway. I saw Roger holding Brian in his arms and rocking him gently. Brian's eyes were closed and he looked so sad and almost childlike as Roger consoled him. I had never seen Brian act this way. It was a bit disconcerting. Roger ran his hand over Brian's head as he spoke soothing words to him. He seemed to finally calm down but I was concerned about walking back in with the baby. I turned to look at Tiger Lilly. She was distracted by something in the bedroom and wasn't even paying attention anymore. She had her fingers in her mouth.

"Rog..." I said gently to get his attention. He turned to see me and acknowledged me. I mouthed to him 'can I bring her back?' He turned back to Brian.

"Bri...look at me.." Roger told him softly. Brian opened his eyes and looked at Roger. His poor face was so red and blotchy. His hair matted against his cheeks. Roger wiped his face to clear it and then cleaned his hand off on the towel he still wore. "Tigs is fine babe.." he assured him. "She's only got a little cut...she's not even crying.." Brian seemed to understand what Roger was explaining to him. His pained expression softened up.

"Pah!" Tigs suddenly spoke and both Roger and Brian turned to see us standing in the bedroom doorway. Roger smiled at her and I and Brian looked better. He wiped his eyes with his arm and sniffed his nose. He formed a half smile seeing Tigs was calm and talkative. His eyes were glassy though from so much emotion. 

"Hey baby girl!" Roger greeted her and waived to us. I started walking back in and went to stand in front of them. "You want to show Brimi you're okay sweetheart?" Roger asked Tigs as I gently bent down to hand her to Roger. Brian looked anxious but happy to see her. Roger took her and held her in his lap next to Brian. Tigs immediately starting gurgling and being her usual bubbly self. It made Roger smile his best smile and Brian reacted to them both looking happy and light-hearted. He actually smiled fully despite the wetness in his eyes. His face wasn't as ruddy and he gently took a hand and ran it across Tig's back as Roger made goofy faces at her. I knew Roger was trying to make them both laugh. To get Brian out of his saddened state. 

"Bihmee!' Tigs announced as she turned to see Brian. Brian's face warmed at hearing her cheerful call to him. He actually laughed gently as he leaned over and kissed her head. Roger looked relieved to see Brian returning to a normal state of emotion. He prompted Brian to take her. He hesitated. It made me a little sad to see his expression. He was uncertain about holding her.

"Bri...go on...take her.." Roger encouraged him. Brian was reluctant at first and them he moved his arms over to take her. Tigs willingly went into his arms and cooed at Brian as he wrapped her in a gentle hold. "See....she's fine....you're fine....it's all okay now.." Roger kept reassuring Brian. I walked back to the kitchen and picked up my towel to give them a moment alone. Tigs kept making her happy sounds as she sat nestled in Brian's loving care. She was fine but I wondered if Brian was. This seemed to really shake him up. 

"You know....she's going to get hurt sometimes Brian..." Roger started softly talking to Brian. I didn't look up but could hear his tender words to him. "She might even get hurt bad enough to need a doctor....I know I got hurt plenty growing up.." Roger was so sweet talking to Brian. I loved how gentle he sounded. "But you can't let it upset you like this....okay?" he asked him. "You have to stay calm...make sure she's okay..." 

"I'm sorry Rog....I just panicked! I saw the blood and.." Brian stopped talking and I could sense he felt emotional again. I peaked over their way and saw Brian hugging Tigs close as he spoke to Roger. "I'm sorry babe...." he told him quietly. He nestled Tigs under his chin and closed his eyes. "Sorry poppet..." he whispered to Tiger Lilly. Roger leaned over and kissed the back of Tiger Lilly's head. He moved to stand up and I returned to watching the sink since my brother only had a towel on and was getting up. 

"I'm going to get dressed....we need to get ready for the studio..." he told Brian. I heard him go back to the bathroom. I peaked over and watched Brian holding the baby. He still had her tucked under his chin and was gently rocking with her in his arms. I turned back to the kitchen and hoped Brian didn't have to experience another tumble anytime soon. I don't think his heart could take it.

\--Later that night--

It was fairly late when I heard the door open and they both walked in. They had gone to the studio hours ago and I had put Tiger Lilly to bed and tucked in on the couch to watch an old movie. It was almost over when they came in. Roger was tired but Brian looked exhausted. I imagined that between the drive here this morning, the incident with the baby and then working for hours he was drained. Roger went to the kitchen and got a drink of water. Brian put his bag on the table and walked towards the bedroom.

"I'm beat...goodnight Clare..." he told me as he walked by. I smiled up at him. 

"Sweet dreams Bri...." I answered. He smiled back and went inside the bedroom. Roger came over and had the glass of water in his hands. He leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

"Thanks for your help with Bri and the baby today..." he told me. I nodded to him and smiled.

"Of course..." I replied. I quieted my voice so Brian wouldn't hear me. "Do you think he's okay?" I asked him; pointing towards the bedroom door. Roger shrugged and then sighed.

"I think so...he's never been around her when she got hurt before...I guess we all found out he doesn't handle it well.." he replied. "Goodnight Bear..." he told me and started walking off.

"Goodnight Dodger!" I replied with a smirk. He closed their door and I returned to my movie. A few minutes later Brian came out of the bedroom and I saw him walk to the other bedroom and open the door. I know he was checking on Tiger Lilly and let him do it privately. He came out after a minute and smiled nervously at me as he closed the door.

"Sorry about today...I know I probably upset you....I'm sorry.." he told me with a meek look. I smiled at him and got up from the couch. I walked over and hugged him.

"It's okay...I know you were frightened. She's okay...that's what's important.." I reminded him. He nodded and seemed content with my response. He pressed his arms against me and then let go.

"Thanks Clare....goodnight..." he told me. I nodded and watched him to go his room as I went and turned off the tv. I left the room lamp on and went to bed.

\-------------------------

Brian's POV 

4:15 am

I sat straight up in bed after I woke up. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My hand went to my chest as it felt tight and my heart was pounding. My body was sweaty and I felt shaky. I tried to take some calming breaths and opened my eyes. I looked around the darkened room and felt a bit more grounded as I could make out some shapes. I turned my head to look down at Roger sleeping soundly. His face was serene and his long lashes laid beautifully on his face. He was curled up in a half fetal position and was breathing softly. I used this dark image to calm me as my breathing slowed down. I pulled up the end of my t-shirt and wiped my face with it. I was hot and pulled the shirt off me to cool down. Calm down. I laid back down and ran my hand over my head. I was shaken by the memory of my dream. I had to let it go and get some sleep. We had a long day ahead of us. I sighed and rolled on my side and wrapped my arm around Roger. I pulled myself closer to him. Hoping the feel of him would ward off my dream. I closed my eyes and hoped for peaceful thoughts.

My head filled with the image from my nightmare and I cringed inside and clung to Roger. All I could see was myself standing on the bridge and watching the water come at me. I couldn't believe my dream was back. After all this time. I fought off a wave of tears as I realized that my dream was back; but it had changed. I was standing on the bridge and now Tiger Lilly was in my arms.


	27. Is This The Real Life?  Is This Just Fantasy? Part 1

Rockfield Farm Wales

August 1975

Roger's POV

We settled into a working life on the farm pretty easily. The isolation from London was good and the business side of being Queen was forsaken to focus solely on making music. The only real distraction Brian and I had was the baby. With Clare now helping us, managing this was much easier. Our producer, Roy and engineer Mike had arrived a few days prior to us to familiarize themselves with the studio. We got to work right away. There were backing tracks to make so Deacy and I quickly became ensconced in the studio for hours as we worked building the foundation for the songs. We decided to start with something simple and Freddie suggested his number, Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon. It was fairly basic and we had the track completed after a few hours. Freddie, Deacy and I enjoyed the pacing of the song and Brian kept watch on it all from the control booth. We moved on to a new number Freddie brought to the farm and he played it for us on piano before we got started. Brian came in to sit next to me as Freddie starting playing it to us. It had a beautiful piano intro and when he started singing, the words were a stark contrast to his melody.

You suck my blood like a leech  
You break the law and you preach  
Screw my brain till it hurts  
You've taken all my money  
And you want more  
Misguided old mule with your pig headed rules  
With your narrow minded cronies  
Who are fools of the first division  
Death on two legs  
You're tearing me apart  
Death on two legs  
You've never had a heart of your own  
Kill joy bad guy big talking small fry  
You're just an old barrow boy  
Have you found a new toy to replace me?  
Can you face me?  
But now you can kiss my ass goodbye

The three of us shared a shocked expression at the scathing lyrics. I loved the direct shot he was clearly taking at our former management. Brian seemed dismayed at how blunt some of the lines were.

"If that is your idea of subtle, I'd hate to hear your blatant approach!" Brian remarked to him as he read over the lyric sheet. He shook his head as he re-read it in disbelief. Freddie seemed pleased with the reaction to his words. He read over Brian's shoulder and pointed to a particular line.

"Now Brian...I personally wrote a few lines in your honor dear.." he remarked as he pointed. "The 'narrow minded cronies' is a direct reference to your bigoted best friend Peter!" he revealed with an amused grin. Brian's face did warm up a little but he still had issue with the song.

"Just remind me to never get on your bad side.." Brian finally conceded and Freddie looked like the Cheshire cat as we began laying down the guide track. Brian returned to the control booth. 

\----------------

We laid down basics that day and the next and it was late as Brian and I headed back to the bungalow. We got inside and found a note on the kitchen table from Clare telling us about some food we could eat in the refrigerator if we were hungry. We both had some dinner brought to us by one of the crew earlier so we headed in to get to bed. I took my turn in the bathroom and Brian came in as I finished brushing my teeth. He used the toilet and I rinsed the sink as he came over to wash up. My shoulder was a bit sore from working so much and I rubbed it as he used the sink.

"Your shoulder bothering you?" he asked me. I nodded as I worked the muscles. Brian opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out some liniment oil. "I'll rub some on you..." he told me. I pulled my shirt off and turned around as he opened the jar and began working the strong smelling oil into my shoulder and it felt really good. The muscles loosened up and the pain diminished. I knew I would sleep better. He kept at it for a few minutes. 

"Thanks babe...that's much better.." I told him. He went to clean his hands. I came up behind him at the sink and wrapped my arms around his chest. He smiled at me in the mirror and I pressed my cheek into his shoulder. It felt good to have a quiet moment together. Our lives had been so hectic. He finished at the sink and I slipped away from him. We both went into the bedroom and Brian switched the fan on as the room felt stuffy. I opened the window. It was cooler tonight and the air had felt good outside as we walked here. A nice breeze came in and we both stripped down to our briefs. With the cooler air in the room and both of us feeling relaxed I climbed over to Brian as he sat down on the mattress. He saw me coming and smiled as he scooted up to sit up against the headboard. I immediately climbed into his lap and straddled his legs. He wrapped his arms around my back as I bent down to kiss him. We shared some soft lazy kisses as I rested my hands on Brian's shoulders. I was thinking about moving things to the next level when Brian pulled his mouth away from me. 

"I'm really tired....can we do this tomorrow?" he asked me. I was disappointed but I knew it had been a long day. A long couple of days. I tried not to look put out by his request.

"Sure babe.." I told him and quickly kissed his lips a few times before I went to get out of his lap. Brian held me in place for a moment and kissed me again. Softly and slowly. It felt really good. It helped take the sting of out his not being interested. He released me and I moved to lay down in bed. I rolled into my side and pulled the sheet over me. Brian moved in behind me and pulled me up against him. I was glad he hadn't just rolled away from me. I put my hand over his, which was around my waist, and closed my eyes. Before I could think about falling asleep I felt the weight of Brian against me and heard his soft snoring. He was already out. I realized he hadn't refused me. He was just that tired. I smiled with this knowledge and listened to the whirring sound of the fan in the dark and let myself fall into sleep.

\-------------------------

I woke up the next morning and found the bed empty. I was disappointed to not have the possibility of morning sex but hoped he was just in the bath. I got up and opened the door to find Clare feeding Tigs in the high chair.

"Morning Rog...." she called to me when she saw me. 

"Hey Bear..." I replied. I noticed the bathroom door was open. "Where's Bri?" I asked her. She looked surprised to hear me ask. 

"He's in bed isn't he?" she asked me. 

"No...." I replied. She shrugged and kept feeding the baby. I grabbed some shorts and slipped them on and walked over to give Tigs a morning kiss. I came up to her side and planted a big kiss on her cheek. I didn't realize how much food she had on it. Gross!

"Uh oh!" Clare announced as I grimaced and wiped my mouth off. She started laughing and Tigs joined in with some giggles. 

"Uhhh ohhhh.." Tigs repeated Clare's words and we both laughed at her. I planted a kiss safely on top of Tiger Lilly's clean head.

"There's a clean spot!" I told her as she giggled and clapped her grimy hands together. I made my way to the bathroom and got ready for the day. It was early but I felt pretty rested. I figured Brian must have woke up and headed off to get started. I pulled on my jeans and shoes and grabbed a shirt as I walked out to get my bag by the kitchen table.

"I'm off then..." I told Clare. I reached for a pear in the fruit bowl on the counter and opened the door. "See you both later.." I took off towards the studio and enjoyed the cool morning air and my piece of fruit. It was fairly early. I know we planned to work on my track today so arriving early was a benefit for me. I opened the door and went inside. There weren't any main lights on. I started to wonder if Brian was even here. I got a little nervous as I thought about it. I got inside the control booth and found him sound asleep with his head laid down on the mixing board. The only lights were from a lamp in the room. His hair was disheveled and his scruffy face didn't appear calm. It bothered me not to see him peaceful in sleep. I walked up and gently nudged his shoulder.

"Brian.." I said to him softly. He opened his eyes as he stirred a little and I stepped back to give him some room. He slowly sat up and blinked several times before rubbing his eyes with his fists. He looked at me with a dull stare and scratched at his scalp. His hair was a misshapen mess. 

"Hey Rog..." he told me in a tired voice. He pushed the chair back from the desk and stood up and stretched a little. I looked at the clock and saw it was 9:15 am. 

"What time did you get here?" I asked him. I figured he might have come down a few hours ago and fell back asleep. He blinked some more at me as he walked over to the couch in the back of the booth and sat down. He leaned forward and rubbed his face with his hands. He was trying to wake up. He seemed awfully sleepy. 

"What time is it?" he asked me in a flat voice.

"It's 9:15 babe..." he looked surprised and then sat back against the arm of the couch and held out his arms to me.

"I guess I've been here all night.." he answered. I was shocked to hear this. We had fallen asleep together in bed. Maybe he was confused.

"Bri...we fell asleep together in bed last night...I think you're mistaken..." I told him as I came over and sat down in his lap at his request. He put his arms around me and squeezed me to him. I pulled back to look at him. He shrugged at me and looked indifferent as I waited for an answer. He didn't respond. "Did you get here this morning?" I asked him. 

"I woke up last night..." he told me. "I think it was around 1.." he explained as he pulled my hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear. "I couldn't go back to sleep...so I just came here to work.." I remembered that we had gone to bed around 11:30. He had only slept maybe an hour. 

"What time did you fall asleep here?" I asked as he leaned us back against the couch cushions. I fell into him a bit and my face met with his. His beard had really started to grow and the hair was soft as it brushed against my jaw. I don't think he had shaved in a week. He didn't look bad in a beard. I just knew he had not shaved because he was distracted by other things.

"I'm not sure....maybe a hour or two ago.." Brian finally answered. It dawned on me he may have had just a few hours sleep. I pulled back from him and looked at his face. He did look tired. His eyes were puffy and there was no shine to them. I ran my hand over his face. His skin felt dry. He really needed some rest.

"Why don't you head back and get some sleep for a few hours.." I suggested. "I can get started on my song and you can catch up on some sleep before we need you.." he seemed hesitant and then shifted his body to slide down into a laying position on the leather couch. He pulled me down with him.

"Just lay here with me for a while...I'll be okay..." he told me. He moved me until I was laying on halfway top of him as he laid flat on the couch cushions. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around me. I wasn't comfortable at all but tried to appease him. I was annoyed he didn't just go back to the bungalow. We laid there in quiet for about 10 minutes. I hoped he would fall asleep and I could somehow get up and go into the studio room and work on my song. Before that could happen the lights came on and Mike, our sound engineer, came in to the room. He was surprised to see us and I knew the way we were laying on the couch could be considered compromising. I was embarrassed as I sat up and Brian did the same.

"It's not what you think.." I remarked to Mike as he formed a smirk on his face and walked over to the control desk. 

"Whatever you say..." he said to us in a condescending tone. He sat down and turned on the console and then turned to give us a smug grin.

"There's some coffee brewing and some pastries in the other room.." he announced. "In case you worked up an appetite.." he added with a hint of suggestion to it. I picked up a pillow from the chair and tossed it at his head.

"We were just sleeping!" I argued. I had to smile at the look on his face and I broke out laughing and Brian joined in as he stood up to get some coffee.

\-----------------------

\--Lunchtime--

"What exactly are you doing with that car?" Deacy asked me as he looked over my lyrics. It was my turn to make something for lunch so I was frying up some bacon in a pan in the shared kitchen at the Quadrangle. I was making some bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches for us all. Well, Brian was having the lettuce and tomato. I turned to Deacy with a large fork in my hand as he questioned the intent of my lyrics. It annoyed me that he couldn't find the fun and humor in my song.

"I told you...it's a tribute to John Harris..it's about his obsession with his car..." I explained. "Remember how his girlfriend would always accuse him of loving his car more than her?" I reminded him. Deacy shot me a disbelieving look then smirked at me.

"Fine...I get that...but what is the line about having your hand on someone's grease gun about?" he asked in a suggestive tone. "C'mon...is it Brian's cock we're talking about?" he bluntly asked me. I got a little red in the face as there was some truth to it. Brian blushed as he sat next to Deacy and tried to look like he wasn't listening to our conversation anymore. It had become too personal for his tastes. He opened his notebook and acted like he was reading something. 

"What if it is?" I replied just as bluntly. Brian looked up at me with discomfort and complete reticence on the subject. He wasn't going to participate in this discussion. Deacy looked right at Brian for a reaction to my statement and was amused to see his blush. Brian moved to stand up and leave and Deacy grabbed his arm to sit him back down.

"Stay put grease gun!" Deacy ordered him with a smug grin. "Rog...isn't that line a bit tawdry for our record?" he accused. I loved that line and was ready to argue for it all day long. I pointed my fork at Deacy with a retort already on my tongue.

"I'd rather be handling his grease gun than be singing about 'happy at home!' " I countered. Deacy's eyes narrowed. I knew he was going to say something when Freddie walked in to the kitchen.

"Sorry I'm late...what's for lunch" he asked as he entered. He immediately saw the tense moment occurring between us. He grinned devilishly at the chance to witness our discord. "What's this all about?" he asked with a hint of mirth in his voice. Brian sighed and looked down at this notebook.

"Just an exchange of opinions about lyrics.." Brian told him with an attempt to be nonchalant about it. Freddie didn't buy it and retained his grin. The toaster popped up some finished bread. Brian reached over to take it out.

"Do tell...what lyrics are up for debate?" he asked with the anticipation of drama. Deacy looked eager to respond. Brian handed me the toast to prepare a sandwich. 

"Just sharing my thoughts about grease guns.." Deacy told Freddie smugly. Freddie beamed at his words and looked over at me with glee. 

"And?" he said to me. I rolled my eyes and went to turn the bacon over in the pan. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of an answer. "Oh come on blondie!" he complained to me. "Surely you had something to say..." he remarked. I kept quiet. Determined to end the debate. Freddie looked irritated and turned to Deacy.

"Well...what did he say?" he asked him. I turned to object but Deacy spoke too soon.

"He confirmed it's about Brian and then made a curt remark about my song..." Deacy divulged to him. Freddie sat down on the stool next to Deacy and picked up a fork and knife in each hand and pounded them on the table. 

"Ohhh..I'm hungry for this one! Serve me a slice of the drama!" Freddie exclaimed as he glanced at us all. "Whose turn was it to say something back?" he looked expectantly at us. Brian huffed and closed his notebook.

"Can't we just drop all this? It's just a line in a song! It's not like it matters.." Brian commented as he grabbed his glass of water and drank it. Clearly annoyed we were going to keep this topic going. His comment struck me as a criticism and I didn't like the implication.

"Are you saying my song doesn't matter?" I asked him directly. He shrugged as he placed more bread in the toaster. He looked up at me with a tired expression.

"I didn't say that..." he replied and looked annoyed he had to explain himself. "I mean..it's not a serious song so what's the point of arguing over it?" I didn't like his inference.

"Are you saying you don't think my song should be taken seriously?" I yelled back. I smelled the bacon burning and looked down to see it smoking in the pan. Shit! I grabbed a plate to pull it out and hurriedly removed it from the heat. I didn't see Brian's face when he responded but his tone told me his intent.

"It's not that strong of a number Rog....maybe you should think about the lyrics.." he suggested in a judgmental manner to me. It struck me the wrong way and between the tension in the room and the burning lunch before me, I lost it. I turned to glare at him with the plate in one hand and my other hand trying to turn off the gas light on the stovetop.

"Lyrics, eh?' I shouted at him. I accidently touched something hot and burned my finger. Fuck! "How about you work on your fucking cheese song then?" I replied with anger in my voice. "You call me sweet like I'm some kind of cheese?" I repeated to him in a sarcastic tone. I saw Freddie out of the corner of my eye with his chin in his palm enjoying this whole scene. I grabbed some of the bacon on the plate and threw it right at him.

"What the fuck!" Freddie shouted as he batted at the incoming meat missiles. He drew a scowl on his face and Deacy laughed. I threw some more bacon at Deacy for starting all this up in the first place. 

"Fuck you!" I told him as he fended off the food.

"Hey!" Deacy shouted back. He glared at me and then moved to get off the barstool. I saw Brian look at me like a disappointed parent.

"Rog...this is ridiculous!" he told me and before he could say anything else, I picked up the plate of bacon and threw it right at him. He look horrified to be assaulted with the china plate and mostly the offensive meat substance and his eyes narrowed and his mouth went sour. I didn't care! He didn't take my song seriously and he didn't have my back. 

"Fuck you Brian!" I yelled and slammed the pan into the sink and stormed off. I came around the counter and walked past him as he wiped the food off his chest and lap. He shot me a shitty look and got up from his chair. I took off running as I realized he was going to come after me. I bolted past Freddie and ran out of the door. The sun was really bright and temporarily blinded me but I veered to the left and kept running.

"Get back here!" I heard Brian shout at me as he came out of the door. I didn't look back and started running. I was grateful to be wearing my sneakers as I knew Brian had on his stupid fucking clogs and wouldn't catch me. I turned to see how much of a gap I had on him when my foot hit a post and I stumbled and went down. I managed to go into a rolled position as I fell so my landing was soft. I scrambled to get up but Brian caught up with me and grabbed me by the shirt collar. He shoved me down so I stayed on the ground. I flipped onto my back and held my hands up; ready to defend myself. He was livid and I wasn't sure what he might do. He stood over me breathing heavily and glaring at me with a red face. His hands were on his hips as his chest heaved.

"Jesus Christ Roger!" he barked at me. "What is wrong with you?" he asked in a harsh voice. I was grateful he hadn't tried to pummel me.

"You didn't have my back Brian!" I shouted at him angrily. "You don't take me seriously..." I shimmied on my back using my arms and legs to move away from him and pull myself up from the ground. He didn't come after me. I stood a few feet away dusting myself off. "You let them say that shit about my song...and then you joined right in!" I argued. He kept his hands on his hips and let his breathing slow down a bit. 

"Roger...you know that's what we do....we have our say...about the songs and such...it's what we do..." he argued back. "You know bloody well we've always had opinions about each other's songs....its nothing personal!" he told me in a short manner. He moved from his position and gestured at me. "But this shit?" he shouted. "Since when do you fucking throw shit at me?" he questioned with a tinge of hurt behind it. "You could have really hurt me Rog!" he pointed out. I remained in place trying to catch my own breath. He wasn't wrong. I crossed the line throwing the plate. The bacon was a harmless gesture. The plate was another level of anger.

"I'm sorry Bri..." I told him as I leaned over and placed my hands above my bent knees to try and catch my breath. I looked up at him with sincerity. "I didn't mean to hurt you...I lost my temper.." I explained. He didn't seem content with my answer and crossed his arms in front of him. 

"Yeah...about your temper!" he commented to me in a weary voice. "So next time I piss you off...are you going to hit me?" he asked me bluntly. I was shocked to hear this and stood up to face him. 

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I replied; feeling my anger towards him return in a sharp wave. What we he saying to me? He kept his arms folded and a stern look on his face. His lips were thin and grim.

"You tell me Rog...." he remarked. "We seem to argue more and more...and you seem to find trouble holding your temper in check.." he explained to me. "Next time...when we have words...are you going to take it out on me with your fists?" he asked me again. I couldn't believe he was saying this to me. I was hurt by his assumption and felt like he believed I really wanted to hurt him.

"Why would you say that Brian?" I asked with hurt in my voice. "You know I'd never want to hit you!" his face shifted and he suddenly seemed contrite for saying this to me. His arms dropped from his chest and he appeared remorseful. I saw his mouth drop and then he looked at me.

"I'm sorry Rog..." he told me as tears formed in his eyes. "I don't believe you'd hurt me.." he added with real regret in his voice. He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand and started walking away. I had no idea what was going on with him. He was acting so strangely. I called after him.

"Brian! Come back...let's talk about this.." I told him. He ignored me and kept walking off towards the bungalow. I wasn't sure what to do. He was upset and my anger at him had fallen away. I wanted to make sure he was okay but didn't know if he just needed some space right now. I felt torn as I stood in middle of the farm yard. I looked around as I bit my lip. Uncertain and feeling unsettled in my chest. I saw Deacy standing at the corner of the barn looking at me. I looked down at the ground, ashamed he may have heard it all. I saw him walking over to me.

"You okay Rog?" he asked me as he walked up. I shook my head and then looked up at him. He had nothing but genuine concern in his eyes. My stomach was churned up over this whole episode but his kind smile calmed me down a little. 

"I don't know Deaks.." I answered honestly. I looked towards the direction Brian had gone and couldn't see him any more. I bit my lip again. "Brian has been acting kind of strange lately..." I remarked to him. As I looked at him I saw him register agreement on his face. It surprised me. He nodded to me and put his arm around me.

"You're right...he has been kind of odd.." he replied. "Has Brian been getting enough sleep?" he asked me. "He looks tired.." Deacy observed. I knew what he meant. The puffy eyes and the lack of shaving. His moodiness.

"I don't think he has..." I answered. "He woke up last night and went to the studio at 1 am. He was there working all night until I came in and found him asleep at the desk.." I suddenly realized that everything going on with Brian was probably lack of sleep. It made sense. I smiled gratefully at Deacy and leaned into him.

"I think you're right Deaks..." I told him. "He needs some rest.." I pulled away from his arm and patted it as I left. "I'm going to see if he's okay.." I added. I started to walk away but turned back to him. "Sorry about throwing food at you earlier...." I said to him with complete sincerity. He smiled and nodded to me and shrugged at the same time.

"It's alright...." he replied. "I hate your sandwiches anyway!" he remarked cheekily at me. I chuckled as I headed towards the bungalow. Feeling a sense of purpose in making sure Brian got a nap or a good night's rest tonight. I reached the bungalow and went inside. It was quiet. Clare and Tigs weren't there. I walked to the bedroom and found it empty. The bathroom door was closed so I went and knocked on it. 

"Brian...it's me babe...I just want to make sure you're okay.." I told him softly. I waited for a response. He didn't answer but I could hear him in there. I tapped softly again.

"Bri...let me in.." I asked him. He didn't respond and I felt a little anxious. I tapped harder this time. 

"Let me in babe...I need to know you're okay.." I said louder to him. My stomach flipped for some reason and my gut told me to open the door anyway. I twisted the handle and pushed and found it seemed locked. I felt panic rise in me and I didn't know why but I shoved against the door and it burst open. I found Brian standing at the sink with a razor blade in his hand. The safety razor was in his other hand and he looked at me with complete alarm. His eyes drifted from my face to the razor in his hand. I felt a waive of fear come over me as my imagination made me think he was going to cut himself. He relaxed his face and smiled at me and placed the razor blade into the safety razor casing. He set the razor down on the sink.

"I was going to shave..." he told me before I could say anything. He looked away from me and picked up the can of shaving cream from the shelf and began to spread it on his hand. He lathered his face up and stared straight into the mirror. He finally peered my way and smiled again. "I'll be out in a minute.." he said and implied for me to leave and close the door. The fear that came over me earlier diminished but didn't disappear. I smiled back at him and nodded to him as I went to close the door. I couldn't bring myself to do it and feigned needing the toilet.

"I can't wait..need to go.." I mumbled to him and walked past him to the toilet. I flipped the lid and willed myself to pee. I avoided looking right at him but could see him beginning to shave as I finally got some urine forced out of me. I finished up and walked over to the sink. He was in the throes of shaving so I smiled at him and shrugged. "I'll wash up at the kitchen sink.." I told him and left the bathroom. I ran to the sink and washed my hands. I felt really anxious not being able to see him. I grabbed the towel and hurriedly walked back to the bathroom. He had left the door open so I stood and watched him shave away all his facial hair. When he finished he cleaned up his face and the sink and then walked over to get past me. I stood in his way.

"Bri..." I started to ask him if he was really okay. He looked at me intently as we locked eyes. I needed to ask him but I was afraid. "Want to take a nap?" I asked him instead. He smiled calmly at me and pushed me aside.

"I'm good for now...shaving really perked me up.." he answered. He walked into the bedroom and closed the door. 

I went and put the toilet lid seat down and sat there staring at the safety razor resting on the sink. My mind was racing and a thousand horrible images rushed through it. Brian came out of the bedroom so I stood up and walked out of the bathroom. He had changed shirts.

"We need to get back to work.." he told me as he ran his hand through a tangled up curl. I walked over and reached up to help him. He moved his hand away as I used my fingers to clear the knot and fan his curls out. I took extra care as I did it. He watched me patiently.

"Thanks.." he told me softly when I finished. I had a compulsion to hug him to me and never let go. I put my arms around my shoulders instead and just looked at him. I tried to read his eyes. To see what was going on with him. There was no warmth there and it made me shiver. "Let's go.." he said. I nodded and followed him out the door. We went back to the studio and resumed work on my song. The argument and discord about my lyrics was forgotten and we laid down the drums and bass track in a few hours. We worked a little on Brian's guitar part and planned to record it tomorrow. We finalized our plans and all headed out. Brian and I walked to the bungalow together. It was a warm night and the air didn't have a breeze. 

"I'm sorry about today...." I finally said to him. I wanted him to get whatever was on his mind out in the open. I figured I would start talking first. "You're right about my temper...I need to mind it better..." I said to him. He seemed happy to hear me say this and nodded to me. He did look sullen for a moment. 

"I'm sorry I said those things to you." Brian replied. He sighed heavily and turned to look at me "I haven't been sleeping well and it caught up to me..." he confessed. "I wasn't very nice to you today and I'm really sorry...I need to get some sleep and I won't be so touchy.." he explained. I felt relief knowing he could see what the problem was and that he did need some rest. I smiled at him and felt heartened when he took my hand in his as we walked. I squeezed his hand in mine.

"I'm glad you mentioned that..." I told him. "I've noticed you not feeling like yourself.." I admitted to him. He looked glad that I wasn't angry and could see why he was acting that way. "Let's get a good night's sleep and start over tomorrow.." I told him with encouragement. He smiled gratefully at me and we went inside the bungalow. Clare was cleaning the kitchen as we came in. Brian looked over towards Tig's bedroom door.

"Hey you two...she fell asleep a while ago." Clare told Brian before he could ask. "How are you?" she asked us both. 

"Tired!" Brian exclaimed and it felt good to see him acknowledge it so easily. Clare smiled at him. 

"You're in early tonight...you catch up on some sleep then.." she replied. Brian nodded and went in to see Tigs. I followed him and watched his face light up when he saw her. He knelt down and wiped her hair from her forehead and then bent down and kissed her.

"Goodnight poppet.." he whispered to her and then stood up. He turned to look at me as I came over and kissed her as well. We left her room and I went to the restroom and got ready for bed. I looked at the safety razor as I brushed my teeth. It seemed to just stand out against everything in the room. Just glaring at me. I still felt uneasy looking at it. When I finished getting ready I picked it up and wrapped it in a towel and shoved it in a corner in the back of the small linen cupboard. I knew I would need it to shave tomorrow but he wouldn't. I could get it back out tomorrow morning. I closed the cupboard door and exhaled deeply. 

I went out and let Brian have the bathroom as I pulled off my clothes in the bedroom. He came in a few minutes later and seemed no different. There were no accusatory looks at me about the whereabouts of the razor. I hoped my intuition was way off and I was being completely irrational. We climbed into bed and everything felt normal. I laid down and was surprised when Brian leaned over and kissed me deeply. I returned the kiss and savored him pulling me close and holding me as he drifted towards sleep.

"Goodnight Roggie.." he told me half awake. 

"Goodnight Brimi.." I answered and laid there listening to the beginnings of him snoring softly. Brian quickly fell asleep.

I laid there wide awake.


	28. Is This The Real Life?  Is It Just Fantasy? Part 2

August 1975

Rockfield Farm Wales

Roger's POV

Since I basically destroyed lunch yesterday, it was still my turn to cook. That's okay. I owed everyone an apology for my temper. Someone was kind enough to clean up the mess I made in the kitchen. I don't know who it was but I suspect it was Deacy or maybe John Harris. I was in a good mood today when lunch time rolled around so I was happy to prepare it. Brian slept really well last night and I eventually drifted off myself. When I woke up I was thrilled to find him still in bed with me and sound asleep. He woke up later and was feeling good and actually hungry for a change. I noticed he hasn't been eating much. He says the heat makes him lose his appetite. I was able to shake off the uneasy feeling I had about the prior day's events. Brian slept and we had a good morning. I chalked this all up to fatigue.

I made Brian a sandwich first, which was easy since he didn't take bacon on it. He ate the entire sandwich and some crisps as Freddie, Deacy, John Harris and Ratty watched. I finally got the bacon cooked up and made their bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. As I enjoyed my own meal I watched Brian look over his song notebook. He was working on something but hadn't told me what it was yet. I was keen to know but didn't want to press him. He excused himself before we finished eating and headed back to the studio. I took the last bite of my sandwich and started cleaning up.

"Hey Rog...got any plans for tomorrow?" John Harris asked me. We had designated no work on the weekends since we were spending about 12 hours in the studio every day. Our producer, Roy, insisted we take the weekends to refresh ourselves and get some rest and relaxation. I knew the guys had been talking about what there was to do in rural Wales. I was up for pretty much anything.

"I've got nothing planned...what did you have in mind?" I asked as I wiped down the stovetop. He pulled a brochure out of his pocket to show me.

"There's a place nearby where you can ride dirt bikes....there's trails and even a track for racing!" he told me excitedly. "You in mate?" he asked as I looked over the brochure. It looked fun and wasn't something you could do in London. It would be nice to get some fresh air and unwind.

"Sounds great...what time are we going?" I asked him.

"We're heading out at 11..." he replied.

"Okay...I'll be ready.." we finished with lunch and headed back to the studio. Brian was recording some guitar work for my song. I got situated behind the console as Brian readied his guitar. Roy came in and took a seat next to me. Freddie and Deacy were lounging on the couch behind me. They were looking at some catalogue. I was hopeful that adding some driving guitar sounds to my song would improve the piece overall and better impress my bandmates. I had shown Brian my ideas and he felt he could deliver what I wanted.

"Brian...we're ready when you are..." Mike, the engineer, announced over the intercom. Brian nodded and spoke into his guitar mike.

"Count me in.." he asked. Mike prompted him and started the tape. I sat and enjoyed Brian's ideas for my track. It was mostly what I asked for with some added flair on his part. He finished up and I smiled as I pressed the intercom button.

"That's a great start..." I commented. I wanted it a little faster and edgier. "Can we pick up the pace a bit and add some edge to the riffs?" I asked him. He seemed to know what I wanted and nodded.

"Okay..." he told me and we played the backing track again for him. I liked his changes.

"I'll give it a go now..." I told Roy and stood up to go in and try a vocal track. "I'm coming in Bri.." I told Brian in the intercom. He waited on me as I got in front of the microphone and pulled on some headphones. I found a stool to sit on since I'm so used to singing while sitting at the drums. I nodded to Roy who set us up to record. We did several takes and I was happy with a couple of them. I figured I could make a decision later. Brian could add some guitar overdubs once we settled on a final version.

"I like your vocal Rog....the song is really coming together nicely.." Brian commented as I hung up the headphones. It felt good to hear him say something positive about it. We shared a smile. We moved on to do some work on Deacy's song so I returned to the drum set as the others came in the studio. We spent a few hours finishing up his backing track and Freddie laid down the main vocal as we watched. We needed to rehearse the backup vocals a bit more before we recorded. We decided to call it a day after that. Brian and I headed back to the bungalow. I remembered the plan for tomorrow as we walked.

"Hey- the crew are going dirt bike riding tomorrow. We are leaving at 11. You want to go?" I asked him. I figured a change of scenery and having some fun would do us good.

"I don't really care for motor bikes.." Brian replied. For some reason I wasn't surprised.

"You can just come and watch me ride.." I told him. He looked uncertain and shook his head.

"I really should use the time to pay bills and balance the account.." he answered. I was disappointed he wasn't going.

"Alright..." I replied. "I wish you were coming but I understand.." We neared the bungalow when he spoke again.

"I'd like you to sit with me actually when I do the bills. We need to look at the account and plan our money through the end of the year.." he remarked. The last thing I wanted to do was sit and look at bills. We had plenty of money in savings to cover everything.

"Can't you just do it and tell me the balances when you finish?" He looked annoyed at my response. We stopped outside the bungalow door. Brian stood and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"I can Rog.. but I thought we would talk about our expenses and what we want to do for Christmas this year.." he explained. "It will be quite different with our changed circumstances.."

"We've got that money in savings.." I reminded him. I leaned against the doorframe and rubbed my shoulder. 

"That is savings for emergencies and other things Rog. We're already going to pay Clare's rent from there anyway so I don't want to touch it otherwise.." I didn't understand why we couldn't use it but didn't want to argue about it.

"Whatever you want to do is fine.." I told him. I knew he would handle it just fine without me. He always has.

"I think we should make these financial decisions together.." he was beginning to sound just like a nagging wife.

"Well it's your money..so do what you want.." I responded. Irritated with his persistence.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked me with clear annoyance.

"Most of the money came from your check so do what you think is best.." Brian's expression soured.

"Look Roger! I had hoped we had got past the business about caring who put more money in the account. It shouldn't matter where it came from. It does matter what we both decide to do with it.." he argued. "Can we at least talk about our expenses?"

"Fine. I'll look at it with you...I still want to go biking though..".

Brian sighed heavily and went inside.

\--The next morning--

"Rog...we need to get up.." Brian told me as he sat up in bed next to me. I opened my eyes and grabbed at the pillow under my head. I was still sleepy and had no interest in getting up yet.

"What time is it?" I asked him half awake.

"It's 9 babe..." he said as he knelt over me and pulled the sheet off my body. I was not happy he was trying to get me up this early.

"I don't have to be up yet...not going biking until 11.." I whined to him as I rolled into him and tried to get my sheet back. 

"You told me you would help with the bills Rog.." Brian reminded me. "You need to get up now so we can look at them before you go.." he kept hold of the bedsheet as he spoke. I huffed at him and moved to sit up in bed. 

"Okay..." I replied. Feeling and sounding defeated. Brian got up and went to the bathroom as I drug myself from the mattress. I ran my hand through my hair and went out the bedroom door.

"Morning sunshine!" Clare announced in a sarcastic cheery tone. She was sitting in the living room with Tiger Lilly. I snarled at her as I walked over to them both. I planted a kiss on top of Tig's head and swatted at Clare's. She chuckled as I followed Brian into the bath. I came out after brushing my teeth and using the toilet. Brian was already seated at the kitchen table organizing the bills. I went and changed clothes and joined him.

We spent a good 3/4 hour talking about what bills we pay each month and I have to admit I was surprised. I hadn't considered the added expense of the baby. Between the higher rent we now pay, the nappies and extra food, it added up quickly. Brian showed me an accounting notebook he started that listed out what we spend our money on. He explained what we have to budget for to cover Tig's basics as well as Clare's salary. We aren't paying her as much as a nanny service would have charged but she lives with us rent free and we cover her food and basic necessities. I wondered how a normal wage earning family got by.

"How do working class couples do it Bri?" I asked him as I saw the ledger totals. He shrugged and started writing the checks to pay the bills he brought with him on the trip. 

"I know my parents always struggled to get by.." he replied. "That is why we need to be careful with our spending Rog..." he explained. I looked at the clock and knew I had to get ready.

"Want something to eat?" I asked him as I opened up the refrigerator. 

"Clare and I are actually taking Tiger Lilly on a picnic later.." he answered. Clare looked up from the blanket spread out on the floor where she was playing with the baby. I didn't know they had made plans with the baby. I felt bad.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked him. He shared a glance with Clare and smiled. 

"We decided last night after you said you were going biking.." he answered. 

"Okay...well..I need to get around.." I replied and started making a sandwich. I watched Clare playing with the baby and Brian paying the bills and felt like I was observing my parents.

\----------------------- 

\--Later that day--

"I'll race you up that hill!" John Harris challenged me. I revved the engine on the dirt bike in response and shouted at him over the din of the machines.

"You're on mate!" we both took off at the same time and tried to out maneuver each other to get ahead as we made our way up the incline. Dust was flying everywhere and I had to push my sunglasses up my nose a few times while managing to keep control of the bike. The ground got a bit uneven towards the top and my front tire wobbled on me. I had to slow down to keep control and John pushed ahead to win. I stopped my bike next to his as he pulled off his sunglasses with a large smile. 

"Ha! I won!" John declared. I tried to knock the sunglasses out of his hand but he moved it too quickly. We both laughed. 

"Let's ride down by those trees.." I suggested. He nodded and we took off. We made it to a shaded area and stopped to cool off from the blazing sun and drink a few cans of beer John brought along. It turned out that no one else was free to go so it was just John and I. Freddie's crewman, Ratty, had to help out with some equipment issues and Freddie was insistent it get done today. He was working on something new and needed everything in order for recording on Monday. Ratty was not a happy camper when we left without him. John drove us in his sports car since it was just two of us. The cost to ride the bikes was cheap so we stayed a while.

"What's Brian up to today?" he asked me as we loitered in the shade. I didn't want to say but told him anyway.

"He's going on a picnic with my sister and Tiger Lilly..." I answered. John tried to stifle a giggle and looked at me incredulously. I rolled my eyes. "I know...I know..." I replied before he could make a comment. 

"A picnic eh?" he finally laughed. I couldn't help but join him. It did seem silly and completely family oriented.

"That was after we sat and paid bills all morning..." I added. John took a drink of beer and smirked at me.

"Boy...for a rock star...you are pretty fucking domesticated..." he commented to me. What he said was true. It stung a little to hear it.

"I'll have you remember I didn't sign up for parenthood...it sort of fell on me like a two ton lorry.." I replied with a terse tone. John looked sympathetic, which I appreciated.

"I know mate...and Tigs is the sweetest baby..." he remarked with sincerity. "I just wondered why you didn't leave the baby at home with your sister or Mum and make the most of the time you can get away.." he explained. "I mean...you're so young and this is your moment Roger...you almost have the world at your feet...you could be living it up right now..doing anything you want..fucking a million girls...or guys.." 

"I get you..." I replied. I didn't know what to say. I know John is single and doesn't even live with a girlfriend. He has no kids so his life is different from mine. It was complicated and a lot to try and explain to him. I could see his point though. It wasn't far off from some of the feelings I have struggled with since Tigs came along. I still sometimes felt robbed of my youth. Of feeling vital and carefree. We sat in silence and finished our drinks. I kept thinking about John's observations as we started our bikes back up and planned to head back.

"Race you down the hill?" I asked him. I needed to think about something else besides his words.

"Loser buys more beer!" he notified me as he started back down the hill. John managed to win again and we rode back to the main area after riding the trails and some courses. We had been here for several hours and had a blast. It was time to turn the bikes in and we rode to the bike rental window. I turned my bike off and set the kickstand as I walked up to turn in my keys. John came up behind me. A man had helped us earlier but now a young woman was working the window.

"You done for the day?" she asked us both. I handed her my keys and smiled. She was an attractive girl. Her long dark hair was done up in two French braids and she had on a sun dress of blue and pink stripes.

"Yeah...we need to settle up.." I replied. She pulled our bill and walked it to me. I was running my hand through my hair to shake out some dust. It was dry and dusty there and I felt like I was coated in dirt. I looked it over and pulled my wallet out to pay for our bikes. John came over and handed me some money. I noticed the sun was starting to disappear and clouds were rolling in. It was a welcome relief from the heat. 

"Here you are.." I told her as she took the money and made change for me. She smiled at me as she returned my change. Her brown eyes were really pretty.

"Are you two brothers? You kind of look alike." she commented. John and I smirked at each other and I shook my head.

John and I smirked at each other and I shook my head  
No  
No...must be the hair..." I replied. We both still had similar haircuts and coloring. She got a look of recognition at what I said and nodded.

"Yeah...that must be what it is..." she said. "You're not from here are you?" she asked. I smiled as I nodded to her.

"No...we're from London....we're at Rockfield right now working..." I explained. I felt some raindrops on me and realized it was starting to rain. It began raining steadily and I immediately felt mucky all over with the embedded dirt on my clothes and skin turning to mud.

"Ugh!" I cried out as John and I looked at the mess we both were.

"You two should get in here...you're going to get soaked.." the girl remarked. She opened a side door and we rushed inside to escape what quickly became a downpour. It was a concrete floor so we weren't going to muddy it up. I was relieved. She walked over to a cabinet and pulled out some old towels. "You can use these if you want.." she instructed. I grabbed the towels and handed one to John. We both wiped our faces and hands off. There was a muddy film left on the towel when I finished.

"Thanks.." I told her. She invited us back into a sitting room and we found two plastic chairs to sit on. She brought us some beers and we sat and chatted with her about the local life while we waited for the rain to die down. Her name was Eve and her father owned the place. She was 20 and going to University in Cardiff but worked for her Dad in the summer. The rain remained and she soon produced a joint from her purse. The three of us got stoned. I mostly did it out of boredom. We started laughing and drank some more. She started asking us about our work and I admitted after some nudging from John who I was. She knew about Queen and was impressed with meeting me. She found a bottle of whisky and we started drinking more. Another joint was produced and I found myself semi-drunk and pretty stoned. 

I'm not sure how long we had been there when she made a pass at me. John was watching as she came over and sat in my lap. He didn't say a word when she leaned in and kissed me. I was pretty high and didn't respond to her kiss at first. I saw John looking at me with a telling look on his face. All I could hear was his voice telling me this was my moment and it was slipping away from me. I succumbed to her and returned her kiss. It felt good. I did make me feel alive. It also felt wrong. After a minute or two I pushed away from her and made my excuses. I got up and we headed out. We walked to the car and I realized we were both intoxicated. Shit!

"John...you okay to drive?" I asked him. He nodded as he got in the car. 

"It's not that far...I can make it.." he told me. He started the engine up and we took off for the farm. We didn't say a word to each other on the drive. We both just smoked a cigarette. My mind was starting to go a mile a minute as I thought about what I'd just done. Just let happen. John sat and basically watched me cheat and didn't sat a bloody word. Why not? We arrived safely and both had sobered up somewhat. I got out of his car and went to leave for the bungalow.

"Rog..." John stopped me before I left. I felt anxious but turned and looked at him. I figured he would now say something about what I did. He pointed at me with a blank expression. "You've got some lipstick on your mouth.." I wiped at my mouth and found the dark red residue on my hand. Fuck! "Come clean up at my room.." he suggested. I watched as he got out of the car and I quietly followed him. I looked around to see if anyone would see me. We went to his room and I washed my face at his sink. I checked my clothes. 

"I'll see you in the studio..." John said as I went to leave. He didn't say anything else. I felt a mixed bag of emotions as I walked down the path to the bungalow. It had rained here and there were puddles everywhere. It was a mess. I felt like a mess inside. I didn't know how to feel right now. I wasn't high anymore and not really drunk either. I kept waiting for the guilt to set in. I reached the bungalow door and hesitated to open it. I suddenly felt like I wasn't worthy of entering. There was my guilt. I stood with the door handle in my hand and contemplated walking in and confessing to Brian. I was frozen. Before I could do anything I felt a hand on my shoulder and almost jumped out of my shoes.

"Fuck!" I yelled and turned to see Brian standing there. My hand went straight to my chest as my heart was hammering. He looked surprised and then regretful. 

"Sorry Rog...I didn't mean to scare you.." he told me. He was holding an umbrella and his bag. "Did you just get back?" he asked me and he moved past me and opened the door. I nodded nervously as he came close to me. I figured he would smell the liquor or pot on me.

"Yeah...we were delayed because of the rain.." I explained. I followed him into the bungalow and found the room empty. He dumped his bag on the table and turned to look at me. He grinned.

"You're a mess..." he commented as he walked up and rubbed at the mud on my shirt. "You should grab a shower.." he suggested. I figured it would help me clean up in more ways than one and nodded to him.

"Yeah...good idea.." I answered and walked towards the bathroom. I didn't see Clare or Tigs.

"Where are the girls?" I asked him as I pulled off my filthy t-shirt.

"A group of people are watching a movie at the main living area.." he explained. "I left them there and went into town to mail our bills.." he told me. I went in the bathroom and started the shower. I pulled off the rest of my dirty clothes and stood looking at myself in the mirror. I held my coin necklace in my fingers and rubbed the surface of it. Feeling the engraving. Bijou. Remembering my vows. I felt like a complete shit! I ran my hand over my lips and tried to wipe away what I'd done. I turned from the mirror when I realized it was pointless and stepped into the shower. I closed the curtain and reached for the shampoo. I lathered my head up to get the dirt out and tried to forget about what happened. She kissed me. I didn't start it. Yeah. I kissed back but I stopped it before it went anywhere. I just can't put myself in those situations I told myself. I don't make good decisions when I get drunk or high. I rinsed my hair as I tried to absolve myself of my sin and saw the shower curtain open. Brian stepped in completely naked and joined me. I tensed up as he got in front of me and smiled wickedly.

"You are a right mess aren't you?" he said to me in a light-hearted tone. He turned and picked up the soap and cloth and got it soapy. "I figured you might need some help.." he explained as he started running the soap all over me. It felt good and I tried to just forget what happened and focus on the good moment in front of me. I was a fucking idiot but I had stopped. Brian ran his hands up my chest and pulled me to him and kissed me. I melted under his touch. He pulled back after we exchanged a deep kiss. "They shouldn't be back for at least an hour.." he told me as he reached down and grabbed my cock. "We haven't had any time alone so I thought we would take advantage.." 

Brian started stroking me and we kissed it felt so fucking good. We were alone and had time to really be together. We hadn't had this since we arrived. I let go of my worries from earlier and fell into a place where all I cared about what his body and mine.


	29. Is This The Real Life?  Is It Just Fantasy? Part 3

August 1975

Rockfield Farm - Wales

Brian's POV

I am having dream again and it's keeping me up at night. I'm on the bridge with Tiger Lily and sometimes we all go into the water and sometimes it's just me. I didn't tell Roger it has returned. I became determined to exercise this demon by writing the song I started last year when I was in the hospital. I have worked on it for days in between our recording. I was now ready to show it to him and the others. I am hoping in writing a song about this apocalyptic nightmare I can rid myself of it once and for all. A therapeutic approach. I woke up this morning with determination. Roger was sound asleep next to me. It was reassuring to see him there and not how he appeared in my dream. I leaned over and kissed his messy head before I climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom. The door was closed so I knocked.

"Hang on...." Clare told me through the door. I waited and it opened and she came out holding a hot water bottle against her stomach. She looked like she didn't feel well.

"You okay?" I asked. She shrugged as she looked at me; trying to seem indifferent but her face showed discomfort.

"M'alright..." she mumbled. "Cramps.." was all she would say. I immediately realized she had got her period and was having menstrual cramps. This wasn't something I was used to. I tried to not to blush at her situation and gave an expression of sympathy.

"I'm sorry....You want to lay down for awhile?" I asked her as she walked to her bedroom. She seemed unsure. I followed her.

"I can take care of Tigs for awhile if you want to rest a bit...did you take anything for the pain?" I said to her. She nodded.

"Yeah...just takes awhile to kick in....." she told me . She stood at the doorway and peered in at the baby and the turned back to me. "You sure you don't mind?" she asked me. I could see she felt lousy and I wanted to help.

"I don't mind. I've got a few hours until I'm needed in the studio. I just need to get Rog up for now.." I replied. She gave me a grateful grin.

"That would be grand...thanks.." she said with a grateful expression as she clutched the hot water bottle to her tummy. I hurried to the bathroom and got ready. I came back and went to in to get the baby while she laid back down on the bed. Tigs was awake and standing in her cot. She seemed happy to see me and bounced up and down on her chubby legs. It melted my heart to get that reaction. "She's already had breakfast this morning and I just changed her.." Clare advised me as I lifted Tiger Lilly out of the cot and put her on my hip. I straightened her hair out on her forehead and kissed her brow.

"Bihhhmee!" she yelled at me excitedly.

"Come on poppet....let's give Clare some quiet time.." I told her. She was all smiles and was drooling a bit. I know she is working on some new teeth. She has been fussy for the past few days but seemed okay right now. She made all sorts of chatter at me as I shut the bedroom door for Clare and then we walked to my room. "You want to help me wake up Papa?" I asked her. I looked in and saw the bed was empty. I heard the shower come on and realized he was up. I went to the bathroom door and opened it.

"Hey Rog..." I shouted over the sound of the water.

"Yeah.." he answered.

"Clare's not feeling well so I am taking Tigs with me to the studio for a while. Are you heading that way?" I asked him.

"Yeah..just taking a quick shower and I'm on my way..." he replied. I closed the door and walked over to gather some things for us. I made some small talk with Tigs as I packed up her baby bag and my own bag. I tossed some fruit for myself in my bag as we headed out. We reached the studio and found that Freddie was unusually early. Roy and Mike were there and I took a seat on the couch in the control booth with Tigs in my lap to watch them. Freddie came up to us and sat down next to me. He leaned over and kissed Tiger Lilly on the nose. She giggled at him.

"How is the most beautiful girl in the world this morning?" he asked her sweetly. Fred was wearing a ridiculously small pair of red satin shorts with a white cotton shirt. He looked comfortable though in the stuffy control room. I was regretting throwing on a pair of heavy trousers but I was rushed this morning. Tigs had on a cotton sundress and was probably right at home in the warmth of the day. She tried to move over into Freddie's lap in response to his speaking to her. I let him take her as he bounced her on his knee and cooed to her. "Our little Queenie sure is growing fast Brian.." Freddie remarked as he realized the weight she has gained recently. She had a growth spurt this month. It was hard to believe we have had her for 3 months.

"She was almost 1 and a half stone at her one year checkup.." I told Freddie. He looked blankly at me for a moment.

"And is that normal for her age?" he asked me; completely ignorant of these types of baby facts. I nodded to him.

"Yes...she's perfectly normal...." I assured him. "The doctor is confident she has no issues related to her mother's drug usage.." I told him quietly. He looked relieved and smiled at me.

"I'm sure that was welcome news.." he replied. I smiled at him. It was the best possible news. Before I could answer the door opened and Roger came in. He was wearing his tight pair of patchwork jeans and one of my t-shirts. Tiger Lilly saw him and squealed as her face erupted in a huge grin. Roger waived to her as he leaned down and kissed me.

"Hey Freddie..." he told Freddie as he walked over and held his arms out. "Can I say hello to my girl?" he asked him. Freddie smiled and handed Tiger Lilly to him. She flung herself into his arms.

"Pah!' she told him loudly and Roger beamed at her as he nuzzled his nose against hers.

"Hey Tiggy..." he said to her sweetly. "You been a good girl for Brimi and Freddie?" he asked her as he snuggled her close to him and smelled her hair. I loved how different he was with her now compared to even a month ago. They were really developing a strong connection. He walked over to speak to Roy and Mike as I pulled out a piece of fruit for breakfast. I took a bite of the pear and watched Freddie get some notes from his bag.

"What are you doing this morning?" I asked Freddie as he stood up.

"Seaside Rendevous while we wait for Deacy and then I want to work on the backing track for my new song..." he replied. I raised my eyebrows at him when he referred to his 'new song.'

"What song would that be?" I asked him. Freddie smiled shrewdly at me as Roger came over with the baby.

"Oh....just something I've thrown together. A montage of some different things I've tossed around for awhile.." he told me. It was quite vague and I knew he wasn't ready to reveal all.

"We're going to get started..." Roger explained as he sat Tigs next to me on the couch. I ate my pear and sat with Tigs as Freddie and Roger went in and recorded an almost absurd middle section for Freddie's jaunty song. They both mimicked wind and brass instruments using their own voices and added some flair with a kazoo. Tiger Lilly loved the noises and disrupted Mike and Roy with her contagious giggles. Freddie and Roger had me in stitches when they began imitating tap dancing by using thimbles as Mike recorded their efforts. I would have never though to be so creative in making sounds for a record. It made me want to consider some ideas for my 'Children of The Earth' number. I grabbed my notebook and made a few notes as they finished up. I spent the remainder of my time with Tiger Lilly helping her walk around the studio area and into the courtyard of the Quadrangle as I returned her to Clare. She was feeling better and thanked for me helping out. It was the least I could do for her. She has made our lives so much easier.

I went back to work and found Deacy had arrived. The three of them were already working on a final run through of the backing track for Fred's new song. They finished up a few minutes after I took a seat next to Roy at the desk. Everyone got ready and they began taping the session. The melody was just beautiful and I listened for ideas on what I could do for guitar work on his piece. They spent most of the day working on the backing track. When they finished I joined them to show them my new song. I felt a little nervous but was ready to get to work. I knew it would take some time to build all the layers necessary to create my soundscape.

I began playing my demonstration on guitar and sang to them what I worked out lyric wise.

Oh oh people of the earth  
Listen to the warning  
The Seer he said  
Beware the storm that gathers here  
Listen to the wise man

I dreamed I saw on a moonlit stair  
Spreading his hands on the multitude there  
A man who cried for a love gone stale  
And ice cold hearts of charity bare  
I watched as fear took the old men's gaze  
Hopes of the young in troubled graves  
I see no day, I heard him say  
So grey is the face of every mortal

Oh oh people of the earth  
Listen to the warning  
The prophet he said  
For soon the cold of night will fall  
Summoned by your own hand

Oh oh children of the land  
Quicken to the new life  
Take my hand  
Oh, fly and find the new green bough  
Return like the white dove

He told of death as a bone white haze  
Taking the lost and the unloved babe  
Late, too late, all the wretches run  
These kings of beasts now counting their days  
From mother's love is the son estranged  
Married his own his precious gain  
The earth will shake in two will break  
And death all around will be your dow'ry

Oh oh people of the earth  
Listen to the warning, the seer, he said  
For those who hear and mark my words  
Listen to the good plan

Oh oh oh oh and two by two my human zoo  
They'll be  
Running for to come  
Running for to come  
Out of the rain

Oh, flee for your life  
Who heed me not, let all your treasure make you  
Oh, fear for your life  
Deceive you not the fires of hell will take you  
Should death await you

This was most of the song I had completed and when I reached this point I could see the creased brow on Roger's face. Freddie and Deacy looked mesmerized by my lyrics and seemed to like what they heard. Roger looked uneasy. I stopped and explained the idea I had for the middle part with the multiple voices and singing in style that was reminiscent of 'singing in the round.' Freddie was keen to develop this part with me. Deacy made some suggestions which I jotted down for consideration. We all looked at Roger for his opinion. He glanced at the others and then at me.

"It's about that dream isn't it?" he asked me directly. I guess he remembered it from last year. Denying it would be stupid.

"Yeah.." I replied. He looked troubled by it and came over to read my lyric sheet.

"What made you use this dream as the basis for a song now?" he inquired as he looked at me intently.

"I had made a go at writing a song last year but didn't finish it..." I told him honestly. "I looked through my old songs when we were considering material to develop..." I finished my explanation. Freddie and Deacy looked on. I could tell they had questions about my dream. Before they could ask Roger came at me with another question.

"Have you been having that dream again?" he asked. I tried not to hesitate in my answer. I was hoping it would not come back after working through the song. I shook my head.

"No...just using old material.." I answered. Roger seemed to be processing my words. I wasn't sure he believed me. 

"It's a powerful number Brian....so dark...I can see this really being something remarkable...you got it from a dream?

"Yeah....I used to have this dream all the time and it culminated into a vision of what my song it about..." I explained. "I had written down some words after the last time I had it. It was last year around the time of my surgery..." Freddie's expression changed at the reminder of that time period. He appeared sympathetic.

"I could imagine going through all that would evoke all sorts of hellish things inside you...he remarked as he looked on with compassion. "It's good to know you mined something artistic from it..."

"Exactly..." I replied and was eager to change the subject as I noticed Roger looking dubious. "I was thinking we could lay down the backing track tonight.." I suggested. Everyone looked agreeable. "How about something to eat and then we get started?"

\---------------------------- 

"So tomorrow we're doing the vocals for my song and then the ones for Seaside...right Fredddie?" Deacy asked him as he was gathering his papers at the piano.

"Yes...once we get those vocals done, Seaside should be complete.." he replied. Roger and I got our bags to head out as Deacy handed the schedule back to Mike, the engineer, in the control booth. John Harris was coming up the path as we came out. He had a plastic bag in his hand.

"Brian! Rog!" he called to us as he came up to me and handed me the bag. "It's your mail from home..." he advised. I smiled at him. Happy to get our mail so quickly.

"Thanks John!" I told him. He started walking with us.

"Some of us were going to the Nag's Head for a drink...want to come along?" he asked us. I checked my watch and saw it was 8:15pm. Not too late but I needed to go through the mail and make a phone call. I also needed a good nights sleep. 

"Not tonight..." I answered. I glanced at Roger who seemed eager to go. I didn't need him for the mail and Tigs would already be in bed. It would be nice to relax with him for a while. I didn't want to deny him a night out if he wanted it. "You going?" I asked Roger. He looked surprised at my lack of objection but glanced quickly at John and then nodded.

"Yeah...I wouldn't mind a drink and a change of scenery.." he answered. I knew they wouldn't be too late since we had an early schedule.

"Okay...don't forget we have a lot of vocal work tomorrow...watch the cigarettes..". I reminded him. He nodded understanding. "See you later then..." I replied. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek.

"Thanks babe..." he said as he and John headed off towards the cars. I wondered who else was joining them as I arrived at the bungalow. I went inside to find Clare asleep on the couch with the hot water bottle still in place . I hoped she hadn't been too miserable today. I checked on the baby and I quietly made a snack and settled at the kitchen table and sorted through the mail. I was thrilled to find a letter from our hotelier friends in Brighton. Trevor and Wilkie had received my letter and photos of Tiger Lilly. They raved about her beauty and talked about a fall trip to London when their hotel business slowed down for the season. I hated that it would probably be during our touring time period. I really wanted to see them both. I hoped we might manage a day or two to sneak off to Brighton in the next few months. We could book two rooms at the hotel and Roger, Clare and I could visit with them.

I finished up the mail and got Clare up and off to her own bed before I settled on the couch to watch a repeat episode of Doctor Who. The daleks were at it again. I really like the new doctor. His scarf was a great accessory for his character. I thought about finding a similar scarf for myself.

I thought about finding a similar scarf for myself  
The show finished and I headed to bed. I turned the fan on in the room and opened the window like Roger always does. The nights were getting cooler so it seemed like fall was around the corner. I laid down and thought about the dinner reservation I made for Roger and I at a restaurant in Cardiff. It came recommended by the people at the local post office when I mailed our bills. I was excited about us getting away for an evening for our wedding anniversary. I hoped he would like the surprise. I yawned as I relaxed under the breeze coming in from the window and the whir of the fan. I looked at the clock and realized Roger had been gone for quite a while. I hoped they were okay to drive home. I closed my eyes and hoped for a nightmare free sleep. 

Roger's POV

I first noticed her leaning over the jukebox in the Nag's Head pub. John and I had found a booth near the back and I was getting up to get us another round of drinks. It was her! Same long braided hair and dark lipstick. She was with another girl with long dark blonde hair and they were selecting songs on the machine. I walked by quickly and sat down across from John. I heard the beginning guitar sounds of David Bowie's song 'Fame' in the pub speakers. 

"You'll never guess who is here.." I told him as he sipped the foam from his beer. He looked around and then turned back to me.

"Who?" he asked.

"Eve! The girl from the dirt bike place..." I reminded him. His face registered recognition and he smiled devilishly at me.

"She was pretty hot Rog!" he replied and stood up from the booth.

"Where are you going?" I asked him. I didn't want to see her.

"Just takin a piss.." he replied. I leaned back in the booth relieved as he left and had a sip of my own beer. I wiped the foam from my mouth and wondered if the kitchen was open. I was a bit hungry. I pondered going up to ask when John came back. He had Eve and the other girl with him. Shit!

"Look who I ran into Rog?" he announced and was acting like I hadn't seen her earlier. "Isn't this great?" he asked me in a poorly acted surprise. I tried not to roll my eyes as he sat down in the booth and scooted over as Eve's friend joined him. I looked up to see Eve staring at me. She smiled and looked down at the booth seat. I gave in and scooted over and she sat down beside me.

"Hi Roger!" she told me and held out her hand. I went to shake it and she pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek. "You guys wanna get drunk?" she asked us as John and his new companion laughed. John looked at me with a devilish grin. He was challenging me.

"Alright..."

\---------------------------

I woke up on the floor of a place I didn't recognize. I was laying on my side and there was the smell of vomit in the air. It made me instantly nauseous. I gagged as I tried to sit up. The odor lessened after a minute and my queasiness passed. When I got seated I noticed my jeans were undone and pulled down a little. I groaned and wondered if I had unzipped them due to discomfort. I clumsily got them all the way back on and managed to get them zipped and buttoned. It was quite uncomfortable against my bloated upset stomach so I undid the button on my waist. It helped a little. My mouth was dry and thick and I worked to clear my throat as I looked around the room and saw Eve laying a few feet away. She was curled up into a ball inside her billowy sundress and was lightly snoring. John was laying on the couch and had that girl Cindy asleep against his side. They were both mostly undressed. It was apparent they'd had sex last night. The room was lit by the light coming from the window. I realized it was daylight and that I had fallen asleep somewhere. I checked my watch and saw it was almost 10 am. FUCK! I knew I had to be in the studio by this time and stumbled around trying to stand up. My head was roaring and I was achy all over as I got on my feet and went over to John. I shoved at his shoulder and tried to avoid looking at his flaccid cock and Cindy's exposed tits. 

"Wake up!" I yelled as I shoved him. He groaned and shifted around a bit. I shoved him again and his eyes opened slowly. "Get up John! We've got to go!" I told him. He sighed heavily and slowly pulled himself off the couch. Cindy groaned and slumped into his empty place on the cushions as he pulled his trousers up and fastened them. He grabbed his t-shirt from the floor.

"Where are we?" John asked as he ran his hand through his hair and wiped his face on his t-shirt before putting it on. 

"Fuck if I know.. but I'm late for the studio..." I told him. His expression changed to alarm as he checked his watch.

"Fuck!" he announced as he looked around for his car keys. He saw them and walked over to get them. "Let's go.." 

\-----------------

The car was outside the house and we quickly found our bearings as we drove out of the town and took the road to the farm. John got us parked on the gravel drive and I flew out of the car and ran to the bungalow. I threw the door open and ran straight for the bathroom. I didn't even stop to say anything as I heard Clare shout at me and saw her sitting on the couch out of the corner of my eye.

"I'm late!" I shouted as I closed the bathroom door and turned on the shower. I took a desperately needed pee and actually felt better as I pulled off my clothes. It was bright in the bathroom from the sunlight coming in the small window. I know I smelled like stale beer and I really needed to wash away my fasting approaching hangover. I pulled back the shower curtain and stepped in. I happened to look down as I reached over for the soap and noticed lipstick made lip prints all over my stomach. Shit! I felt a rise of panic in my chest as I looked closer and saw more of the lipstick on my cock. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I couldn't believe it! I had zero memory of anything going on between Eve and myself. I realized now that's why my jeans were undone. Shit! I grabbed the washcloth and soaped it up. The bathroom door suddenly opened and I froze. My heart started hammering in my chest. I knew it was Brian.

"Where the fuck have you been?" I heard Brian whisper yell at me as he closed the door behind him. I was terrified he would see the lipstick and began furiously scrubbing myself to remove it. My breath caught as I had just wiped the evidence away when he whipped the shower curtain open. He looked absolutely livid. I jumped in response. Well?" he shouted at me. His brow was low and his mouth was tight as he glared at me.

"I'm sorry! We had too much to drink....I fell asleep.." I answered in a pleading voice as I kept scrubbing myself. I stuck my head under the water to rinse my hair as he kept staring at me. I could sense his anger. I tried to turn away so I wouldn't have to look at him. He grabbed my arm to stop me.

"You and I will talk later! You've got 15 minutes to get to the studio..." he told me in a hateful tone. "Freddie is going to have a fit if you can't sing.." he added as he walked out of the bathroom and tried to avoid slamming it. I exhaled the breath I had been holding in and pressed myself against the shower wall in relief. 

"Fuck!" I muttered to myself. I couldn't believe what I had done. I hurriedly finished my shower and grabbed a towel to dry off. I desperately tried to recall last nights events but I was drawing a blank. The last thing I remembered was getting in John's car at some point. I seem to remember Eve riding in my lap. FUCK! I looked at myself in the mirror and scowled at my reflection. I looked ugly and I felt it as well. My anger at myself built and I had a compulsion to smash my fist into the glass. I raised my hand up as my fingers curled into a fist.

"Roger! Come one!" I heard an annoyed sounding Brian yell from the living room. I sighed wearily and unfurled my fingers. I picked up my toothbrush and clenched it in my hand to brush my teeth. I was too rough when I reached in to get my back teeth and I gagged. I instantly felt a wave of nausea and threw up in the sink. FUCK! I grasped the edges of the sink and proceeded to get sick. I felt tears spring in my eyes and my throat burned with the taste of acid. 

The bathroom door came open and Brian stood and looked at me and sighed. He came up behind me and pulled my hair back as I hunched over the sink.

Oh Rog..." he told me in a voice that no longer held anger. I hated it! I liked it better when he yelled at me. I deserved it. I felt the tears in my eyes start spilling out and I began sobbing as I dry heaved over the sink. He wrapped his arm around me and held me in a way too caring manner.

"Go away!" I told him in between sobs. I didn't want his sympathy. I didn't deserve it. "I deserve to be sick..." I said to him. He ran his hand over my head to soothe me and it just made me feel worse.

"Rog...it's okay..." he told me in his soothing voice. I wanted him to tell me I was a piece of shit. I wanted him to hit me and walk out of the room and leave me to be as sick as I felt inside.

"Go....just go...' I told him as I moved to sit on the toilet. I got away from his hold on me and slumped on to the toilet lid. I put my head in my hands. I couldn't look at him. I was ashamed of myself.

"I'm going to tell them you're ill and can't make it..okay?" he said to me in a soft manner as he handed me a wet washcloth. "I'll clean this up when I get back..." he announced. I shook my head as he went to leave. This was my mess to clean up. 

"I'll clean up.." I told him. He paused in the doorway. I still couldn't look at him. 

"Okay...." he agreed as he walked out and I buried my face in the washcloth he was kind enough to get me. It was something I didn't deserve. None of this was.


	30. Is This The Real Life?  Is It Just Fantasy? Part 4

Rockfield Farm - Wales

August 1975

Brian's POV

I left Roger to clean up the bathroom and sleep off his hangover. I went to the studio and found Freddie's reaction to Roger's absence to be what I expected. He was highly annoyed but rearranged the work schedule and focused on the vocals for my song. I had changed the title to 'The Prophet Song' after some consideration. Fred, Deacy, Roy, Mike and I worked on this track the rest of the day and made some real progress. We talked about tomorrow's schedule and I grabbed my bag to leave the studio. John Harris came into the room and looked around.

"Where's Roger?" he asked me. I was surprised he wasn't laid up in bed nursing a hangover like Roger was. 

"I think you know damn well where he is...sleeping it off!" I said to him in an abrupt manner as I walked out of the studio. He came after me and appeared ashamed. He grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Sorry Brian...we just got carried away.." he explained to me. This wasn't the first time Roger had got drunk with John. There were numerous nights at Ridge farm that they stayed up and drank to excess. Neither of them seemed to know when to stop. Now this incident was during recording time and had affected our studio work and was unacceptable. 

"I didn't tell the others that Rog was out all night with you getting wasted. I hope you can appreciate that next time this happens, I may need to consider telling them so we can discuss whether your professional enough to remain with us. We're on a deadline and this is more important than another night of excess.." I warned him. He nodded and looked remorseful. It helped his cause with me right now. "I need to go..." I told him and headed off to the bungalow. As I walked the path I started thinking about how many times Roger has either drank or done drugs in the past few months. It was more than I realized. Between the nights at Ridge farm and the incident at his birthday party, that should have been enough to warrant a strong discussion. Now there was last night. I had to say something to him. I sighed as I got to the door and went inside. Clare was getting ready to put Tigs to bed. I dropped my bag on the table.

"Want me to put her to bed?" I asked her. She smiled but shook her head. 

"I've got her...she's sleepy already.." Clare told me as I came up and saw Tigs yawning and looking drowsy. "Roger played with her this afternoon and wore her out.." she explained. I was glad to hear he had spent some of his day off doing something constructive. I kissed the baby goodnight as she took her into their shared room.

"Where is Rog?" I asked her as I watched her change Tiger Lilly's nappy and clothes. 

"He went into town for something about an hour ago.." she told me. I was annoyed he wasn't here but figured it might have been something for the baby. I freshened up in the bathroom and changed into my sweat pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. The nights were starting to cool off. I went to the kitchen and looked for something to eat. The door opened and Roger came in carrying a large bouquet of flowers and a food bag. He saw me and smiled as he walked up to me.

"I hope you haven't had dinner..." he told me and held up the bag. It was from a Chinese takeaway in town. I shook my head and smiled back.

"No...I was just getting something now.." I answered as I grabbed a bottle of juice and closed the refrigerator. Roger sat the food down on the counter and walked up to me.

"These are for you..." he told me as he handed me the flowers. They were a lovely bouquet of orange tiger lilies and they were mixed with baby's breath. It was a sweet gesture. "Happy early anniversary.." he told me and kissed me. I then remembered our anniversary was actually tomorrow. Roger smiled and stepped away from me and started looking through the kitchen cupboards for a vase.

"Tiger Lillies! How apropos! Thanks Rog...they're really lovely..." I told him with a deep smile. He was being so caring and sweet it made me not want to lecture him about his drinking. I figured I would leave until after our anniversary. He found a pitcher to use for the flowers as I unboxed the takeaway. Clare came and joined us and we had a lovely meal together. It was a nice way to head into our special day. 

\--One week later -- 

Clare's POV

Our time at the farm is coming to an end and the boys have been incredibly busy. They have been up and gone every morning by nine and often not returning until after 10 at night. I have been on my own with Tiger Lily but it has been fine. She is pretty easy going and despite some teething she has been in good spirits. I know she misses Rog and Brian though. She gets fussy when they leave. I go down to the studio with the baby at least once a day to pop in and check on things. I know Brian especially likes to see her and she gets a lot of attention from the guys and their team.

I got a personal invitation from Freddie to join them today. I got Tigs her breakfast and I ate quickly as we both got dressed and walked down to the studio. She has been practicing her walking everyday and is making good progress. Brian helped me make some flash cards to use to do a word game with Tiger Lily to work on her vocabulary. Freddie drew pictures of objects one day at lunch for me and I show them to her and try to get her to repeat the word as she looks at the picture. Brian said we need some more picture books when we get back to London. I tried to find some pictures in magazines but the only ones I could find were music, car and astronomy publications. I needed to pick up some regular magazines if we go to town.

We arrived at the studio and I made sure Tigs was dry and clean before we went inside. I went in and saw the light was green on the control booth so I opened the door and we went in. Deacy was seated inside and Roy and Mike were at the mixing board.

"Hey Clare!" Deacy told me as I came in. He smiled at me and at Tigs and held out his hands to her. I helped her walk over and he picked her up and cuddled her. His smile is so adorable.

"How are you doing today Lil Tiger?" Deacy asked her in his tender voice. She beamed at him and her eyes sparkled as he tickled her chin. She giggled at him.

"Dah!" she said to him. I know she is trying to say Deacy. I'm not sure she will ever know his real name is John. Deacy held on to her and cuddled her close.

"I miss my little one.." Deacy told me in a soft tone. I felt bad for him. I smiled to cheer him up.

"We're all leaving soon...you'll see him then.." I assured him. He nodded as he played with the baby. "For now..you can enjoy her.." He smiled at that and we were interrupted by Mike.

"We're ready for take one.." he told us. I looked up and saw the other three in the recording area standing around the microphone together. They were doing background vocals and harmonies for Freddie's big new song today. That is why he invited us.

I enjoyed a little break from Tiger Lily as Deacy held her for a while and we watched them perform. It caught the baby's attention several times when they sang or spoke into the intercom system. I marveled at how amazing they sound together. Their harmonies are so lush and powerful. They had to do several takes of the same lines but it never got old listening to them. 

They also did some work on a song called 'You're My Best Friend' and 'Seaside Rendezvous'. Roger hit some really high notes when they harmonized on some parts for a song of Brian's called '39.' I remembered him working on this at the house before we left. It had really come a long way since those early renditions.

I was so proud of my brother and the work he and his bandmates do. I really admire them as song writers as well as singers and musicians. I adore Freddie and still have a bit of a crush. I always thought Brian was cute but he really feels like another brother in a way. I love him so much and his caring devotion to my niece. I know he loves Roger more than anyone else ever could. He is really good to him. I just wish they didn't fight so much. It makes me sad to think that the baby is one of the reasons why they do this. Roger didn't come home several nights back and he and Brian had a huge fight over it a few days later. They didn't shout in front of Tiger Lily but I could hear them in the field near the bungalow. I felt like Brian had every right to be upset with him. I love my brother but sometimes he doesn't make the best choices. I know dealing with sudden parenthood has been a real challenge for him. He just needs to grow up. He got an earful from Freddie about missing a recording day so I know he was remorseful about his drunken night out with that roadie. He sulked for days. He has been sober and extra affectionate with Brian ever since so it seems like he wants to do better. I'm glad to see him make an effort. 

Getting to know Deacy better has been a great part of this trip. He is really funny and charming in a quiet way. I've met his wife several times and they really do make a great couple. Their baby is sweet but I'm partial to my niece. Biased I guess. I have enjoyed getting out to the countryside this month and enjoying the fresh air and outdoor time. I do miss London and the new house. We were hardly there before we left. Roger said we're headed back in a few days but their work on the album will continue at studios in town. He told me I am really earning my pay with them working so much right now. It's pretty easy to take care of Tiger Lily. I do miss my co-workers at my old job but I planned to meet them for lunch when we get back. 

I had to leave midway through their session today as Tiger Lily still takes an afternoon nap. I packed her bag up and Roy told the guys in the intercom we were heading out. They stopped recording and came in to say goodbye. Freddie shoved Roger out of the way to get to her first. He is so funny! He came over and touched her nose with his perfectly manicured and polished finger.

"Sweet dreams little Queenie.." he told her as he smiled his lovely toothy grin for her. 

"Fah!" she told him and he beamed like a stage spotlight was on him.

"That's me!" he exclaimed and was delighted she was trying to say Freddie. He cuddled her for a moment and then Roger pushed him aside.

"Back off...make room for Papa!" he said and picked her up from the couch and tucked her in his arms. Freddie scoffed as Roger stuck his tongue out at him. Tiger Lilly cooed. "Hi Tiggy..." he told her sweetly. He kissed her forehead as Brian came in and walked over. He stood next to Roger and leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "It's off to dreamland..good night baby girl.." Roger told her as he handed her to Brian. He took her gently in his arms and rested his forehead against hers. His hair enveloped them both.

"I miss you little one..." he told her and kissed her forehead in the same spot Roger did. It was sweet. "Sweet dreams poppet.." he whispered to her. She looked up into his eyes and they shared a smile. I could see how much she loves him. It made my heart swell. He walked her over to me and I took her from him. "It will be another late session..." he told me as he looked at the baby with longing. I nodded understanding.

"Alright...be sure and get something to eat..." I reminded him and grabbed the baby bag. Roger came over and planted a kiss on my head.

"Thanks Bear...." he told me. "We'll see you later..." they returned to the recording booth as I left. I turned to look at them one more time and felt like I was witnessing something important. They had begun singing some really strange lines but there was an excitement and energy there. They knew it was special. I almost laughed out loud when I heard my brother sing the word 'Galileo' in a really high note as I walked out. What was that about?

\-----------------------

\--1 week later--

Roger's POV

It was our last day at the farm and Brian and I were eager to get it over with and go home. There has been a lot of tension between us since we've been here and I can't help but think that getting back to London will feel like a fresh start. We left the bungalow after helping Clare do some packing up. We headed to the studio and I took Brian's hand in mine as we walked. The air was cooling off since it was the end of summer. The studio time today was limited as they had another band moving in tomorrow and their producer wanted some time in the booth before they arrived. We arrived and quickly went in to work on some more vocal overdubs. I got my headphones and slipped them on as Brian and Freddie did the same. We stood around the microphone and waited for our cue. I noticed some additional people walk into the booth as I glanced at the window. I nudged Brian standing next to me and he saw them and nudged Freddie.

"Maybe they are with the new band.." Brian remarked. We resumed our focus on the microphone when Mike came over the intercom and announced he was counting us in. Freddie had some more random lines for us to sing for his 'Cowboy Song' as we like to call it. The tape started and we listened for our cue. These lines were being done with a cascading type effect for his finished track.

'Will not let you go, let me go'

'Never let you go, let me go'  
'Never let me go, ooh'  
'No, no, no, no, no, no, no '

We repeated them multiple times before we finished. Mike announced we were done and we all smiled and patted each other's backs as we went to go back into the control room. 

"I guess this is it until we are back in London.." Freddie told us as we went into the room. "Are you all leaving today?" he asked us. 

"Yeah...we are trying to time the trip so Tigs has her nap while we are on the road.." I explained. I realized as we entered the room there were a few strangers there. 

"Hey guys...meet Tom Vincent...he's a journalist with Melody Maker.." Roy announced to us. I noticed Deacy looking reticent. He didn't like meeting new reporters on his own. I felt bad for him. I reached out my hand to greet the journalist.

"Roger Taylor..." I told him as we shook hands. The others greeted him and he prompted a man standing by the door. I realized he had a camera. 

"This is Dan....we'd like to get some photos....we're doing a promotional piece for you on the recording of your new album.." he explained. None of us were aware a reporter was going to visit today and I wished I had dressed better for the occasion. We were all equally dressed down so I guess it didn't matter. I quickly ran my hand through my hair when he mentioned pictures. I checked everyone else's and they seemed alright. We posed for some group and individual informal pictures. The reporter asked a lot of light questions about our music and band dynamics. He looked like he was finishing up as we stood around the crowded room.

"Just some final questions for our female readers.." he remarked as he smirked at us. "I know John married earlier this year, is that correct?" he asked Deacy. Deacy smiled and nodded.

"Yes...I married my long time girlfriend Veronica..." he confirmed. The reporter smiled acknowledgment and asked him to spell Veronica's maiden name. He then glanced at Freddie. 

"You're still with your girlfriend Mary..is that correct?" Freddie smiled at the man and leaned in to him.

"If you could correct your notes, please amend that to fiancé." he told him. I was surprised that Freddie was perpetuating his engagement with Mary, but decided it was none of my business. I didn't know what kind of arrangement he had with Mary. I just knew they still shared a flat. I felt that the question about my dating life was coming and glanced at Brian quickly. We hadn't had this type of question in a while. I felt a little anxious. I could tell he did as well.

The reporter looked thrilled to have what he saw as a scoop regarding Freddie's engagement and they chattered about it for a minute. I saw his photographer start putting away his equipment so I hoped this would be over quickly.

"So Roger...you got a steady girl in your life these days?" the man asked me. I shook my head and tried to look indifferent.

"No...not enough time really for a relationship....just playing the field.." I said with a hint of mischief in my eye. I was trying to play it up like a rogue and hoped the reporter would buy into it. He liked my answer and my innuendo even better. I figured it was better than Brian and I giving the exact same answer. The reported shared an amused grin with me and turned to Brian.

"How about you Brian? Any lucky girl captured your heart?" he asked him. I was watching Brian as the man asked him the question. Brian's face grew warm and I could see the hint of a blush. I was surprised at his response. Brian smiled coyly at the reporter.

"Actually....there is a girl I'm quite fond of..." he confessed to the reporter. My initial reaction was outright shock. Who was he talking about? Brian glanced at me quickly and then back at the reporter. "I met her a few months ago....she's become important to me.." he revealed. I almost laughed out loud when I realized he was referring to Tigs. It was almost comical. He was baiting the reporter with the truth but it was a great cover for us. I smiled at him as he spoke. He gave the reporter a demure look. "I prefer not to say anything more...I like my privacy.." Brian added. I had to admit it was perfect. A different response from mine and led people to believe he had a girl. He did alright. Just not at all what people would think though. 

The reporter looked pleased with the information we provided. He closed his notebook and nodded to his photographer. "Gentlemen...thank you for your time today...." he said as we all went to shake his hand and leave. He grabbed Freddie at the last minute with the inference for an exclusive interview. We walked out as they spoke about setting up a time to meet. Brian and I avoided each other as we headed out. We both made our way separately to the bungalow but met up a few yards before reaching the door. I gave him an amused look and poked him repeatedly in the tummy.

"You've got a girl, eh?" I teased him. He laughed out loud and smiled at me as he grabbed my hand to stop poking him. 

"I think we both fell in love with a certain girl.." he exclaimed as he poked my tummy back and took off running and ran inside. I chased after him and he took off towards the bedroom laughing. We ran right past Clare as I tackled him on the mattress. Brian was in hysterics as I landed on him and proceeded to tickle him all over. "Stop!" he shouted at me between his hearty bouts of laughter. I didn't let up until he shoved me off and rolled me over. He got me pinned under him quickly and started licking my face.

"Stop you fucker!" I told him as I shoved at him. It was disgusting but really funny. Clare came to the bedroom doorway holding Tiger Lily. They were both giggling at us. "Save me!" I yelled at them both. Clare shook her head and kept laughing. Tigs was practically screaming with delight as she watched us. Her face held a full open mouthed smile and shining mirth filled her eyes. She flailed her arms about excitedly. I loved it!

"Keep licking him!" Clare egged Brian on. He kept at me as I tried to slap his cheeks in a playful manner with the one hand I had managed to free from his grasp. His tongue licked all over my face.

"Traitor!" I yelled at her as I tried to fend Brian off me half heartedly. "You're my sister..." I complained to her. She gave me a contrary look.

"Yeah...well...he signs my paycheck!" Clare argued back. They both laughed as I shoved Brian away and he cooperated and rolled off of me. He helped me sit up as we all tried to calm down and I wiped my wet face on my t-shirt. We noticed Tigs was still giggling and completely worked up over our shenanigans. Clare walked over and sat the baby in between Brian and I. I picked her up and cuddled her as she quieted down. 

"We need to pack the car..." Brian announced as he got off the bed. He leaned over and kissed Tigs on the forehead and then smiled at me and leaned in to kiss my lips. As a payback I licked his mouth as he got close. We all laughed as he and Clare left the room. I laid back on the bed and rolled Tigs on to my chest.

"How about we let them do all the work and you and I take a nap, eh?" I suggested to her as she laid on top of me and looked at me with her wide blue eyes.

"I heard that....get your ass up!" Brian yelled from the other room. I snickered as I gently sat us both up and sighed.

"I guess we need to pack.." I told her. 

We got everything packed up and loaded up the car. There was not much room left for the four of us when we finished. We were all in a good mood after our play fight and feeling affectionate with each other. More than once as we packed up and walked back and forth between the car and bungalow, we each hugged and kissed each other's cheeks. It felt good to be getting along and heading home as a family. When everything was finished, we all walked to the car together and I carried the final few things as Brian carried Tiger Lily and Clare managed her purse and the baby bag. I was grateful for my sister's help these past weeks. I know Brian was too. She fit in well in our lives.

"How about we take out the best nanny in the world for some real London restaurant food when we get home?" I asked them as I opened the car door. They both stood together at the other side of the car. Brian reached over and hugged Clare to him sweetly and kissed her cheek. She beamed at us both as Brian went to put Tigs in her car seat. 

"I would love some nice Italian food.." Clare answered. Brian and I glanced at each other and knew just the place to go.

"I think that can be arranged.." I told her as we got in the car and took off for home.

\------------------ 

\--1 week later--

I was pulling on my trousers to get ready to head to Sarm Studios in Whitechapel. We have been working on the album there since returning to London. I got them zipped and buttoned and fanned through my row of clothes to find the shirt I wanted. I heard the phone ringing and went to the extension on my nightstand to answer it.

"Hello..." 

"May I speak to Roger or Brian..." a woman asked me. I figured it was someone from the office.

"This is Roger..." I replied. 

"Roger...yes...this is Caroline Boucher...I'm from John Reid's public relations office...remember me?" she stated. I did recall meeting her and being told she was going to work on an angle for keeping Brian and I's relationship private.

"Yes...I remember you...how are you?" I asked her. I wondered what had prompted her call today. Maybe she was starting to set up promotional work for the album release.

"I'm well...thanks...I actually need to know how you are this morning?" she asked me. I wasn't sure what she meant. 

"Me? What do you mean?" she asked me.

"Do you take the music papers on subscription? Do you get Melody Maker?" she asked me. I know we got Disc and New Musical Express. "We have Disc and NME..." I told her. "Why?" I was really curious what this was about.

"I think you might want to get a copy of the new issue of Melody Maker..." she told me. "There is an article and some pictures you need to see.." she explained. "They are about you and Brian.." she revealed. My stomach clenched hearing her say this. I immediately had images of us being splashed across the front page of the magazine with the words 'Gay Lovers' emblazoned over it. My heart started racing. I felt behind me for the mattress and sat down. My legs felt weak.

"Do they know?" I asked her in a choked voice as I slid onto the bed and placed my hand over my eyes; trying to block out whatever truth I was getting ready to hear. I could hear my heart pounding in my chest.

"It's not what you think...they don't know you are together.." she answered. I was so relieved I almost cried. I got a hold of myself and clenched the phone cord for grounding myself.

"What is it then?" I asked her. She sighed in the phone.

"It's the interview you all did with their reporter while at Rockfield...." she told me. "There is a mention about your dating lives at the end.." she explained. I knew he has asked about this. It was no big deal. I suddenly thought this was a phone call about something I already knew. I exhaled my tension and smiled.

"Well yeah...he asked us about whether we had a girlfriend.." I replied to her; happy this was turning out to be nothing. I relaxed on the mattress and twirled the cord in my hand.

"So Brian told them he was involved with someone?" she asked me. I smirked as I recalled his statement to the reporter about finding someone and his actual meaning. He was talking about the baby, not an actual girlfriend.

"Yeah...Brian said he had met someone special...it was just to give them something to write..it's nothing..." I clarified to her.

"Well then who is that in the photograph with him? There is a picture of him kissing a girl!" she told me. My heart returned to it's panicked state. I had no idea what she was referring to. I had no idea Brian had kissed some girl. "And Roger....they mention the baby..." she finally revealed. 

"Fuck!" I gasped. I couldn't believe it! How did they know? How did they find out? "I'm going to go get a copy...I'll call you back..." I told her in a shaky voice. How did they know about the baby? Who was this girl he was kissing? 

"Please...call me back today...especially if there is anything you want to do as a response to the story..." she advised me. I hung up the phone and returned to the closet to find my shirt. As I grabbed it and put it on my anger surfaced. Who was he kissing? What girl had he been seen with? Who was she? Had he been cheating on me? How did they know about Tiger Lily? My head was going a mile a minute as I stormed down the stairs to find Brian and Clare sitting at the kitchen table together. Tigs was in her walker shuffling about the room. They were talking animatedly about Tiger Lily as I marched up to them both. Brian's lighthearted look set me off.

"Well Brian! Who the fuck is she?" I yelled at him. He looked up at me with confusion but he shot me a dirty look.

"Don't yell like that in front of her..." he told me in a harsh tone. He stood up and grabbed my arm and started walking me to the other room; away from the baby. I noticed Clare's worried expression as I followed him. He got me in to the music room and closed the door.

"What is this again?" he asked me. He crossed his arms in front of him and looked irritated with me. I was pissed so I got in his face.

"Who the fuck is she Brian?" I said to him again with venom. "You're in fucking Melody Maker kissing some girl..." I announced. He looked completely surprised to hear this and seemed lost on what I was telling him.

"What?.. I have not kissed any girl so I have no idea what you are going on about...what do you mean it's in Melody Maker?" he asked me with a complete look of innocence. He seemed convincing but I wasn't entirely certain yet. 

"I got a phone call from Caroline at John Reid's office...she told me the new Melody Maker has a picture of you kissing some girl....and they know about Tiger Lily!" I announced to him while shouting in a high pitch voice. He looked ashen at hearing this and shook his head.

"Rog....I never kissed any girl...I swear on my mother's life..." he told me in a fearful voice. "How did they find out about the baby?" he asked me as his voice grew panicked. I started to believe him. I had no idea what the picture was about though. 

"I don't know...I...I guess we need to get a copy to find out.." I answered. Brian came up and hugged me to him.

"Rog..I don't know what the picture of me is about...I would never cheat on you babe...I love you so much.." he told me. It hurt to hear this from him. I love him so much but I couldn't honestly say the same back to him. I knew now I was so angry about that picture because of my own guilt. I had cheated on him. I let go of my feelings about the picture of him and shifted my concern to how they discovered the existence of my baby. This was more important right now.

"Let's go...we need to buy a copy on the way to the studio..." I told him. He pulled away from me and leaned down and kissed me. It felt good and reassuring but I also felt like shit at the same time. I didn't deserve his compassion. I still wanted that kiss though. More than ever. I pulled him to me and kissed him fiercely. Wanting to feel his love for me. Even though I didn't love myself as much. We parted and told Clare we had to go and headed out to find the nearest newsstand. I pulled over as Brian got out of the car and went up to purchase a copy. My heart was in my throat as he sat back down in the car and unfolded it on the bench seat between us. We weren't on the cover thank goodness. He flipped through until he found a familiar face and we looked at the two page spread with our mouths tight in a thin line. Eyes wide.

The first page was a serious article about our new record and included quotes from our joint interview at the farm. It included a candid shot of the group all seated together on the couch. The opposite page was a whole other matter. There was a photo collage that included a picture of Mary and Freddie and the only public photo of Deacy with Veronica. The photos that we were interested in were the two at the bottom. There was one of me smiling and standing next to Brian out by the bungalow. We had our arms around each other. It was unusual but completely fine. The other was one of Brian kissing a girl. Well...kissing Clare! He was only kissing her cheek but the angle of the photo made it seem more like he was kissing her mouth. I hated seeing the way they were depicted together. Like they were a couple. I felt a pang of jealousy looking at it. He was mine! What made it even worse was that Brian was holding Tiger Lily in his arms as he kissed her. I realized these photos were taken of us as we got ready to leave the farm. They were taken from a distance and without our knowledge or permission. I read over the captions and my heart stopped. 

Brian May and un-named girlfriend with their child?

They were implying that Clare was his girlfriend and that Tiger Lily was their baby. Their baby! My heart broke as I re-read the line in disbelief. She's my girl, not his or hers. She's mine! For the first time, I felt possessive about my baby. I was already possessive about Brian. I felt Brian put his arm around my shoulders. 

"Oh Rog...what did they do?" he asked me in a disbelieving voice. "I should have never said I had met someone...that is why they took the picture." I knew he was referring to the answer he gave to the reporter about his dating life. What he said was innocent but they must have seen him with Clare and thought she was the girl he mentioned. I looked up at him as tears formed in my eyes. He pulled me to him. I hated this! It was a lie and not even a lie we planted for them to tell.

"And Tiger Lily! She's yours...not mine..." he told me as he held me to him. "We have to set the record straight...this isn't right..." he assured me. I felt better knowing he was upset about it. He caressed my head as he held me. I loved the feeling and closed my eyes. "There must be something we can do.." he told me. We sat for a few minutes in the car and then I collected myself and we got back in to traffic and headed towards the studio. I fumbled around for my cigarettes and Brian quickly got one for me and lit it. I inhaled on it to calm me down. 

"Caroline said to call her back if we wanted to comment or respond to the article.." I told him. He nodded to me as he took my hand.

"We will definitely be responding to this..." he assured me. "I'm so sorry Rog.."

We arrived at the studio and Brian went to the phone and pulled out his address book. I knew he was calling Caroline. I walked up and stood by him as he asked for her by name. 

"Hi Caroline...I'm calling to let you know we definitely want to respond to this article...the pictures..." Brian told her firmly. "Yes...we will be in this afternoon.." he told her. He hung up the phone after they spoke a few more minutes. He turned to look at me.

"She feels a formal interview with a friendlier publication is the best way to respond. She is going to check on finding a journalist who will work with us on addressing all this.." he explained. I smiled at him as I immediately knew what we could do. I pulled out my own book and flipped it open. I grabbed the phone as he watched me dial the number.

"Who are you calling? he asked me as the phone rang in my ear. I smiled at him.

"Disc Magazine...Rosemary Horide speaking..."


	31. Take Care of Those You Call Your Own

5 September 1975

London

10:15 am

Roger's POV

"Is the tea ready?" I asked my sister as I sat and bobbed my leg nervously at the kitchen table. I looked over at her by the counter. She smiled at me and walked over to me. I tried to smile back.

"It will be in a minute...it's going to be okay Rog.." she told me in an reassuring voice as she hugged me while standing behind me. I put my arms around hers and squeezed her close. It was comforting. Her long hair brushed against my cheeks. It tickled but felt nice. I hadn't realized how long her hair was. Much longer than mine. She had worn it up most of the summer.

"I know...I just hate this!" I confessed to her. She kept hold of me. She kissed the top of my head.

"We all hate it Dodger...." she answered. We stayed silent and hugged together until the whistle on the kettle blew. Clare slipped away from me and went to prepare the pot of tea for our visitor. I heard the doorbell rang and jumped in my seat. I wished I made time for a cigarette. I didn't want to smoke in the house. 

"I've got it..." I heard Brian shout from the stairs. He came down and opened the front door and let her in. I heard him greet her and they came in to the kitchen area as I stood up to greet her.

"Hi Rosemary...." I told her and hugged her. She looked really nice this morning. Her hair had been cut in a blond long bob and she was wearing a navy pantsuit. She was smiling warmly at me and Brian still had his arm around her back. "Thanks for doing this.." I told her. She nodded as I gestured to a seat at the table for her. 

"I'm glad you called me to be honest..." she revealed to me as she took a seat. "I saw the photos and was quite surprised.." she said as she glanced over at Clare. I know she was recognizing her from the photo with Brian.

"This is my sister Clare...the one in the photograph with Brian.." I explained. Clare smiled nervously and walked over to us carrying a large tea pot. It was one my mother insisted we buy for when we had company. They shook hands as I took the pot and began pouring everyone a cup. There was a plate set out of pastries Brian had picked up at a bakery this morning. We all got settled with our tea and a small plate of sweets. Rosemary opened her purse and pulled out a tape recorder.

"I hope you don't mind me recording this..." she asked us as she set the machine up. "It's much easier than a notebook and we have a lot to talk about.." she explained. "It will make sure I get the words verbatim.." I nodded agreement and saw Brian do the same.

"Alright with you Clare?" I asked her. She looked surprised that I asked her. 

"Whatever you think is best..." she told me meekly. I felt bad that she had been drawn into this mess. She was so embarrassed and upset when she saw the photos. She agreed it looked like her and Brian were together and she apologized to me for no reason. We talked about it and I quickly assured her it wasn't her fault and there was nothing wrong with the way her and Brian had acted. 

"We're all good then.." I told Rosemary. She was already aware of how Tiger Lily came in to our lives. I had a phone conversation with her about it before our planned interview today. She was kind and sympathetic to me about the entire situation. I knew calling her was the right move. She was the only journalist who knew the entire truth about Brian and myself and was supportive and discreet. Giving her this exclusive was only fitting.

"Roger...I may repeat some of what we discussed on the phone...I just want to make sure I have this in your words and how you prefer me to explain it to the public.." she told me. I nodded understanding and shared a glance with Brian. He smiled at me with assurance. "Keep in mind I may suggest some changes if I feel it would better serve your intent with this article.." she said bluntly to me. I know she understands we are trying to set the record straight about some things and trying to keep our relationship out of it. This will be a challenge and I welcomed her help.

"That seems perfectly good to me.." I told her. "Any suggestions you have are appreciated.." Rosemary smiled in response and pressed the recording button. We were now on tape.

"Roger...you would like to clarify something about a picture that appeared in Melody Maker magazine two weeks ago..is that correct?" she guided me with her question. 

"Yes...a photograph of my best friend and bandmate Brian May was published in an article that showed him holding an infant and kissing a young woman. I want to state for the record that the child in the photograph is not his child. She is my mine..." I answered. She smiled at my response. Happy with what I said.

"So your friend was holding your daughter...can you explain the circumstances under which this photo were taken?" she asked me next.

"I was recording at Rockfield farm with my band and I brought my daughter with me. The woman in the same photograph is my sister, Clare Taylor. She is currently helping me care for my daughter as her nanny.." I replied. "I wanted my daughter with me since I would be away for about a month." she looked satisfied with my answer.

"Roger...can I ask why the mother of your child was not with you during this time?" Rosemary asked. She already knew the whole story. I know in telling the world about the baby that I had to reveal her mother's story as well. I hated this so much but it was unavoidable. I really wished I had smoked a cigarette. My hand twitched at the thought of it. 

"My daughter's mother passed away.." I told her quietly. It still hurt to say it. She gave me a sympathetic look. "We weren't dating at the time and she was caring for the baby on her own.." I added; still being truthful. "Since she died I took my daughter in and have cared for her since.." 

"How old is your daughter? What is her name?" I hesitated about revealing this but knew I would only get hassled for this information so I decided to share it. "She's a year old and her name is Tiger Lily..." I revealed. Rosemary turned the tape recorder off which surprised me.

"Roger...I would like to state in the article that her mother died in a car accident.." Rosemary announced. I didn't want anyone to know about her real cause of death and considered this.

"You won't use her name...correct?" I asked her. I looked at Brian who seemed concerned about this.

"Do we really need to say anything about her mother?" Brian asked Rosemary.

"If we don't give something to satisfy people's curiosity...they will dig for more information...they may go seeking out her name and actual cause of death..." she explained. "We don't want this reported so we need to give them something else to focus on...I will only state she died in a car accident...no name will be given...." Rosemary told him. It made sense to me. I didn't want to say anything but this was much better than the truth. Much better than stating she was a drug user and died from an overdose.

"What would Kim's mother think?" he asked me. I hadn't considered her mother finding out about the article. This woman was ready to abandon my daughter to the welfare system so I didn't really care what she thought.

"Considering she was ready to abandon her, I'm not sure I really care what her opinion is.." I told Brian in a stern tone. He bit his lip and looked away from me. Rosemary cleared her throat.

"I'm sorry this is causing so much duress...let's hope this article will ease things for you..." she remarked. "What do you want to do Roger?" she asked me directly. She gave Brian a sympathetic look.

"The accident story is fine..." I confirmed to her. She pressed the recording button again and we continued. She asked me what happened to Kim and I answered for her recording.. She then asked some questions about what the baby is like. We all gave her cute stories and talked about her personality. Tiger Lily was upstairs asleep through the interview so it wasn't until we almost finished that we heard her wake up. Clare went up to get her.

"I need to ask how you want to address the situation with the photograph implying Brian and your sister are in a relationship.." Rosemary asked us both. Brian and I shared a uncertain expression between us. We had been so absorbed in the problems with the baby we had not discussed this after the first day. 

"Can't we just say it's not true?" I asked her. Rosemary glanced at Brian and then back at me. I could tell she had another idea.

"Can I make a suggestion?" she asked me. I nodded to her. Curious what she would say.

"Please..." 

"I think you should let this information stand..." she said to me and Brian. I didn't want this at all. Brian belongs to me. He and Clare are not a couple. I didn't like this.

"No!" I responded firmly. Rosemary reached over and took my hand in hers. She looked at me intently. 

"Roger...your band is getting a lot of attention right now and this will only grow...." she told me. "The more famous you become...the nosier people will be..." she remarked. "As a journalist, I can say that it is highly likely that people will find out where you live...and in turn...find out that you and Brian live together..." I looked over at her and realized what she was getting at. "How are you going to explain why two men who are financially capable of living on their own share a home together?" she asked me bluntly. "If you deny the relationship between Brian and Clare, you are inviting speculation as to why you two live together.." 

I hated that it had come to this. I knew she was right. With our group becoming well known to the public and more press attention, we were more exposed than ever. More at risk. I didn't know what to do. I looked over at Brian. I found him watching me with a tense expression. I stood up from the table. "Excuse us for a minute.." I told Rosemary. I saw Brian stand up and he knew I wanted a word in private. We walked in silence to the music room and he closed the door. I stood in the middle of the room and ran my hand through my hair. Frustrated and feeling weary of this situation already. Really needing that cigarette.

"How do you feel about this?" he asked me as he leaned against the piano. 

"I could ask you the same.." I replied. "You're the one who will have a girlfriend as far as our fans are concerned..." I told him. He looked annoyed at the very thought. 

"I don't care about that...I never have Rog..." he answered. "I know the truth...which is us...and we both know that at the end of the day it's you and me and Tiger Lily..." he added. "Just us. the rest is just....illusion..." he observed to me. I walked over to him and pressed my hands to his chest. 

"I don't like people thinking that you and my sister are together..." I told him honestly. He smiled at me and put his hands over mine. 

"It's a great cover though....it would explain why we are together all the time...why I would be living here...why I have the baby sometimes..." he told me as he looked into my eyes with devotion and love. I figured he was probably right. This would help us out especially if we took the baby on tour with us. It was better than staving off questions about us.

"I guess we should make sure Clare is okay with this.." I told him; resigned to the idea. Brian smiled and pulled me up for a kiss. 

"That's a good idea...she should have a say in it" he told me and kissed me again. "I love you Rog..." he told me as he wrapped his arms around me. He smelled really good. His hair was freshly washed and there was a hint of cinnamon about him. I nuzzled my nose into his neck. He murmured at me and then pushed me away. "Let's go talk to Clare.." he told me as I stepped away and turned towards the door. I stopped and smiled at him.

"I love you too Bri..." I told him. 

We returned to the kitchen to find Clare sitting with Tiger Lily in her high chair. She was getting ready to feed her lunch. Rosemary was watching her and talking about the baby. She saw us walk in and we took our places at the table. Tigs had a bib on and was eating the last bits of an oat biscuit.

"Everything alright?" Clare asked me as she handed the baby the spoon. I knew I needed to just tell her. Get it out there.

"Clare...I need to know if you have a problem with people thinking you and Brian are a couple.." I finally spit out to her. Her eyes got huge and then she looked confused.

"I thought this interview was to clear this up...along with Tiger Lily being yours..." she replied. I sighed and looked at Brian and then back at her.

"It was Clare..in the beginning....but after some discussion we think Brian and I are better served if people believe you are his girlfriend and that is why he lives here..." I revealed to her. She seemed pensive as she processed this new information. 

"And you are okay with this?" she asked in a direct manner. She glanced at Brian. "What about you?" she asked him as well. 

"I'm not thrilled about it...but I think it's probably for the best..." I answered. She seemed to accept my answer. She turned to Brian. 

"I feel the same..." he told her quietly. She turned her attention back to Tigs for a minute as she mulled it over. 

"So...if we go out in public together...people will think I am Brian's girlfriend?" she asked us.

"Right...." I answered. She suddenly giggled and covered her mouth; not unlike Freddie does when he is tickled by something. I found it an odd response. So did Brian.

"I'm sorry..." she said when she stopped laughing. "I just find it funny that I get one rockstar for a brother and another for a fake boyfriend..." she mused to us. "I'm doing pretty well for myself..." she laughed. "And I thought being a nanny was a big deal!" she added for a lark. We all laughed at her view on things. She seemed okay with it all. I was relieved. I glanced at the clock. We needed to get to the studio for some work this afternoon.

"I believe you have our approval to keep Brian and Clare coupled.." I told Rosemary with a look of deference to her idea. Rosemary nodded understanding as she went to turn her tape recorder back on. 

"So just a few more questions.." she remarked. As she went to speak we all felt the table and the floor rumble deeply. Our china on the table rattled furiously and tea spilled as we all looked at each other in surprise. I wasn't sure if it was a mild earthquake or something else. A sense of familiarity came over me and I remembered a similar feeling that time a bomb went off at Parliament. There had recently been a bombing by the IRA in August at a pub in Surrey. I remembered reading about it in the newspaper while we were in Wales. It seemed like the movement had stopped. Brian shot up from his seat and went to Tiger Lily and picked her up in a protective manner. He held her tight to him and looked at me with a sense of fear in his eyes. Clare just looked bewildered and Rosemary turned off her recorder.

"What was that?" Clare finally said. I was sure I knew what it was. Clare got up and went to the kitchen for a towel to mop up the tea mess on the table. 

"I think it was an explosion..." I replied and got up and turned on the radio in the kitchen. "It seemed pretty far off or we would have felt it more.." I explained as I tuned the radio to the news station. Brian and I shared a concerned look as the news reader read off unrelated stories. 

"I'm going to call a friend at the BBC.." Rosemary announced. She walked over to our telephone in the kitchen and began dialing a number. Brian came over to me with Tigs still in his arms. She was oblivious to what was going on and was playing with Brian's hair.

"Do you think it was a bomb?" he asked me quietly. I nodded an affirmation to him as Clare watched us. I didn't want to alarm her in case it was something else. We all stood around in a hushed tone and listened to Rosemary speak to her friend on the phone. We then heard an interruption on the radio.

"There are reports of an explosion at the Hilton Hotel in North London. Police and fire have asked that no one approach the area at this time. Preliminary reports indicate a bomb threat was reported to the Daily Mail prior to the explosion. We will update this report as more details come to light." 

Rosemary hung up the phone and sighed. She looked at us all with a grim expression. 

"My friend heard that it was probably the IRA....that's the second bombing in two weeks.." she announced to us. "That last bombing injured over 30 people.." she added. Clare looked frightened as she cleaned up the table. 

"It's okay Clare....they're not going to bomb our street..." I told her as I walked over and put my arm around her. "We're safe here..." I assured her. She nodded and smiled thinly at me as she carried the tea tray into the kitchen.

"We're supposed to go to Scorpio studios this afternoon...I think we should cancel.." Brian suggested to me. He was uneasy and clung to the baby. "It's in Camden...a bit too close for my liking.." he remarked. We have moved to the southern part of Fulham, near Bishop's Park, so we lived pretty far away from the bomb site. It was comforting at the moment.

"I guess we're finished for today...I'll go ahead and get my article written up and get back to you with any questions.." Rosemary told me as she gathered her things. 

"Where are you living these days?" I asked her. She smiled at me.

"I'm in Richmond at the moment.." she told me. "In the most boring part of the whole place.." She was further away from the bombing than we are. I was relieved. 

"Do you want a lift home or to the office?" I asked her as she shook Brian's hand. 

"I'll be fine...you stay here with your family..." she told me sweetly. I walked her to the front door. 

"At least let me get you to the station.." I offered. She shook her head. 

"I need the walk...thank you though...it's very kind of you..." she answered. I opened the door and we stepped outside. I immediately grabbed my cigarettes and fished one out. Desperately in need of one now. Rosemary stopped and turned to me. "I hope you know you have something really special in there..." she told me. "You have a nice home, a loyal and caring sister and a beautiful gift in your daughter..." she stopped and smiled at me. "And Brian just sweetens the pot...wouldn't you say?" she remarked to me. "I envy you Roger..." she admitted to me. I was taken back by her confession to me. 

"Why?" I asked. I wondered if it was the fame.

"It's not your career or your money....you have a remarkable love with Brian...I admire it!" she said. "Despite what you are up against in this world...you both somehow manage to find your way together....don't ever take that for granted..." she warned me. "Lesser people have thrown it all away over smaller things..." I wondered who had thrown her away for something insignificant. She is a nice woman. She deserves happiness. 

"Thanks Rosemary...I'll take care to remember that.." I replied. She waived to me and walked off. I turned and looked at my nice house and considered its precious contents. 

Later that night

Clare was settled in her room for the night after we listened to updates all day about the bombing. It did turn out to be a bomb at the hotel and the Provisional IRA took responsibility for it. We were disheartened to hear there were two deaths. Dozens were injured and there was severe damage to the hotel and nearby businesses. It was unsettling to think they were randomly selecting places all over the London area to target. Who knew where the next one would be? 

Brian was checking on Tiger Lily for the second time tonight. He has been anxious all day and we both kept her close. I had called the studio and the guys to cancel our time today. They were both in agreement and Freddie said he would call to reschedule the vocals we planned to record. Deacy expressed relief that we lived in south London and weren't near the blast. By the time evening rolled around we all had news fatigue and were tired. Returning to London was supposed to be a fresh start but it had been nothing but one stressful moment after another. It was nice to turn in early tonight and try to get some rest. Our press story had been placed in safe hands and I could let go of that for now. I cleaned up in the bathroom and walked in to the bedroom to lay down. Brian came in after I got settled and took his turn. He walked in and pulled off his clothes from today as he looked at me intently.

"I'd like to ask you something.." he said to me as he slipped on his pajamas. 

"Sure..." I replied

"I want to talk to Jim about getting some legal paperwork done that would grant me custody of Tigs if something happened to you..." he announced. I scoffed at Brian and waived my hand at him.

"Don't be ridiculous...nothing is going to happen to me.." I told him. He looked upset at my dismissive statement and came over to the bed. He sat down next to me.

"I'm not saying something is...but Rog...if something did happen...I'd have no legal recourse to keep her..." he explained to me. "Your mother would probably get her..." 

"Well what's wrong with that?" I asked him. "She wouldn't take her away from you...you know that!" I argued to him. He shook his head and sighed.

"I know it seems simple and that Winnie would just let me keep her...but you don't know that for certain..." he hesitated and then looked at me with disconcertion. "If you weren't in the picture...I can't be sure your mother would feel the same way about me raising your daughter..." he told me bluntly. "We're not legally married Rog and she is not my biological child....I have no rights in this matter..." 

I understood what he was getting at even though I didn't want to think about any scenario where I was dead. I hated that it even crossed his mind. But I know how his mind works sometimes. I know what happened today put a lot of dark thoughts in his head. I reached over and grabbed a coiled up curl on his shoulder and pulled it gently.

"If it makes you feel better...we'll talk to Jim.." I answered. He smiled at me and it seemed a weight had left his face.

"It will...thanks.." he told me. We shared a warm smile and I pushed Brian back on to the bed. Feeling a need to be close to him after an emotion filled day. Grateful for him after my talk with Rosemary. I crawled over him and hovered as I reached down and kissed him. He went to put his arms around me but I grabbed them and held them above his head. I straddled his body as I held his hands in place and pressed myself down against him. Our groins matched up as I began deeply kissing him. I knew I was probably crushing him but he didn't complain and we began grinding into each other and a desire quickly built between us. Our tongues joined the action and we both worked ourselves into a heated mess. We hadn't really been intimate since our anniversary and even then it was pretty placid. More about just being together. This felt urgent and needy. It was tinged with the stress of the day and the feelings it created. Our breathing picked up pace and we both began moaning into each other's mouths as we kept our bodies pressed together. 

"Fuck...." Brian gasped as we dry humped each other desperately. I stopped my actions and shoved at his clothing to get them off his body. In letting go of his hands he grabbed at my clothes as we both got each other naked and dove back into it with a heightened level of passion. Brian let me remain laying over him as he took both our cocks in his one of his hands. He began stroking us as I moved against him. Kissing all over his mouth, face and neck. My hands buried in his hair.

"Fuck...that feels so good.." I told him as I nipped his earlobe. His tight grip on both of us was really working for me. He stuck his free hand in his mouth and wet his fingers and pulled me up a bit so he could reach my hole. We kept grinding into each other as he found me and began to open me up. This all felt so hot and glorious when he suddenly flipped me on to my side but he moved on to his knees below my bottom. He lifted my leg up to my chest and wet his cock and then grabbed my hip as he sunk into me in a lust filled moment. I turned to look at him as he gazed at me with blown pupils and his mouth hanging open. We didn't speak as he began moving inside me and quickly filled me up. It hurt for just a moment as I gave in to his unbridled passion for me. He quickly bent over me and was thrusting into me.

"You feel so fucking good..." he told me in a desperate whisper. I couldn't speak. I was so taken in by his hold on me and in me. We moved together for a while before he stopped and turned me on to my back without pulling out. Everything about his lovemaking was out of control and intense. I thought I might come just from looking into his face. His expression was so fierce. He began thrusting into me once he got me settled. He kept pushing my legs higher up on to his arms and the onto his shoulders. Each time he moved me up he got a better aim at my spot and I just came undone. 

"Fuck me...." I gasped at him and took hold of my own cock but could barely stroke myself from being overwhelmed at him fucking me so perfectly. So passionately. He smashed his mouth into mine and kept moving inside me. He leaned back and let my legs fall to his side as he picked me up and pressed me into his own body and lunged deeper into me. We were practically hugging and holding each other and it felt so intense and eager. We just couldn't get close enough to each other. Our mouths stayed as connected as the rest of us as he pumped himself into me over and over. My hand on my cock felt loose and worthless. He repeatedly hit my prostate and I squeezed myself one more time and exploded all over our stomachs. I groaned as I came and he reached over and grabbed my cock and pumped me through my orgasm. I quickly became oversensitive which made it even better. I finally had to pull his hand away as I flailed in his arms. Completely spent. 

Brian reached his moment and slammed into me and held me taut against him as he cried out and clutched my body tightly. He squeezed the breath out of me and I felt a little faint as he came down from his own high. He finally released me and I gasped for air as he pulled out of me and flopped down next to me. He was panting and holding his chest. He turned over on his side and pulled me to him. I let him hold me as I was too wiped out to move on my own.

"I love you...so much..." he told me in a voice that was filled with deep emotion. He spooned me and stroked my hair as we stayed there in the quiet of our room and came down together. From the day and from each other. 

"I love you too Bri...more than I ever have.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bomb did really go off in London on that date. The IRA had become active in bombing sites in England and other places.


	32. A Will, A Why and a Wherefore..Oh Yeah..and a Cupboard!

19 September 1975

London

Brian's POV

"We've got a meeting in an hour...try to get something to eat.." Roger reminded me on the telephone as I looked over my recording notes. I ran my hand through my hair to try and fluff it out. I wasn't even hungry and there wasn't time. I couldn't tell him that. He would get upset.

"I will...see you there.." I replied as I hung up the phone. I had been at the studio all night working on 'The Prophet Song.' I had arrived yesterday early evening as Freddie was leaving. He had been stringing together all his varied elements of the song he finally christened 'Bohemian Rhapsody!' It was an outrageous name but it was also an outrageous song. You either thought it was genius or sheer madness. I found it to be genius myself. The whole band did. We loved the audacity of it and had mutually agreed to release it as our first single. It felt as daring as everything we had decided to put on the new album. It this point in the fame, we felt we had everything and nothing to lose. So with that belief instilled in us, I had ventured to make my songs as masterful as the others on the record. Doing this though takes time. Something that is starting to run out. The pressure from EMI has come to a head. Between the recording costs we have racked up and no new single from us since last January, we have to deliver something by months end. A single for now and a finished album to release in time for Christmas. We will deliver; but it's taking every spare moment of my life to do it. I've barely had time for sleep, let alone my family. We have a meeting today about our status on the album and the final decision about the single. I was exhausted but this had to be done. I got up from my chair at the mixing board at Sarm East Studios and wandered to the toilets to freshen up and drive to the meeting.

I arrived at John Reid's production office and was shown to the meeting room. I heard some raised voices as I went inside and found Freddie standing by a door at the opposite end of the room. He was pulling on the door handle and shouting.

"You need to come out...this is ridiculous!" he said and turned when he saw me come in and gave me a look of complete irritation. "You! Get over here and talk some sense in to your husband!" he barked at me with his hands on his hips. I had no idea what was going on and rubbed my hand over my face.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him. He rolled his eyes and then gestured dramatically at the door; grabbing the handle and twisting it.

"Roger has locked himself inside and won't come out!" he exclaimed. I saw Deacy coming in behind me and I moved out of his way. He saw Freddie and then Deacy and I exchanged a confused expression. What was going on with these two?

"What do you mean he won't come out? Rog!" I said questioning what was going on and walked over to the cupboard door. Freddie let go of the handle as I came up to it. I took the handle and tried to open the door. "Roger! What is going on? Come out!" I asked through the apparently locked door.

"I thought Roger already came out of the closet!" Deacy quipped to us all. I shot him an annoyed look but he just grinned at me.

"Tell him Fred!" I heard Roger shout back through the barrier between us. I turned to Fred looking for an answer. He stood by me with his arms crossed and a foul look on his face. 

"Tell me Fred...why won't he come out?" I asked him; completely annoyed at having to deal with one of their spats right now. "What did you do?" Freddie's face formed a grimace.

"I only told him his bloody car song wasn't going to be the B-side for my single.." he announced.

"It's not fair!" I heard Roger shout from the cupboard. I tried opening the door again. It wouldn't budge.

"Unlock the door Rog...come on.." I told him in a firm voice. I could tell he was holding it shut from his side. I jiggled the door handle; getting frustrated about the situation. 

"No! Not until he says I can have the B-side.." Roger argued at me through the door. He wouldn't let go of the door handle and I realized Roger wasn't going to budge on this. I sighed and turned to look at Freddie.

"Just let him have it..." I said to Freddie; exasperated at both of them. He looked un-moving on the issue. I glanced at Deacy who was watching this unfold with heightened amusement. I decided to go for a democratic solution. 

"Deaks? Do you care if Roger gets the B-side?" I asked him as Freddie looked on. Deacy shrugged but then glanced at Freddie and seemed hesitant.

"I was hoping I could get the B-side for once..." Deacy confessed to us. I was surprised and a little let down at his response. Probably because I didn't have the energy for this today. 

"Darling...I believe your song may be a future A-side....don't quibble about the B-side..." Freddie remarked to Deacy. They exchanged a knowing glance between each other. I could already see from this exchange that the next single was Deacy's. Freddie would argue it until the end of time. Or probably lock himself in a cupboard over it; like the stubborn fool I'm married to.

"If he shouldn't quibble about the B-side, then why are you?" I glared at Freddie as I asked him. Ready to let go of the door handle and walk out of the meeting. It wasn't really a meeting at this point; it was a stand-off. 

"I was hoping we would put your song on the B-side dear..." Freddie cooed to me. He was trying to manipulate me and I had to admit it worked a little. I loosened my tired hold on the door handle.

"Which one?" I asked him as he gazed at me with feigned adoration. 

"I was thinking we would use 39.." he answered. He smiled at me with his Cheshire cat grin. I think he knew he could lure me in with this. I had a better answer.

"I was thinking that 39 could be our next A side to be honest.." I replied. His smile shrank a bit and he glanced at Deacy. 

"Oh come on Brian....it's a good song, but it's not.." Freddie was cut off by the opinion of my stubborn husband shouting from his hiding place.

"Fuck you Freddie! It's my B-side!" Roger yelled and I felt the door handle slip away from me as Roger yanked the door open. He burst out and grabbed Freddie by the sleeve of his shirt and pulled him towards the cupboard. Before I could react, Roger had pulled Freddie into the cupboard and slammed the door shut. I grabbed the door handle again and found it still being held on the other side.

"Jesus Christ Roger!" I yelled; completely wiped out from this drama. "Open this fucking door!" I screamed. I felt the certainty of a headache and let go of the handle and walked away. 

"Where are going?" Deacy asked me as I headed towards the exit. He looked dismayed at the turn of events.

"Away from this insanity..." I replied and stormed out of the room and headed for the sanctity of the toilets.

\--------------------- 

Freddie's POV

"What are you doing?" I snapped at Roger as he shoved me inside the cupboard and slammed the door shut. He had stretched out a perfectly nice sleeve on my jersey tunic. I grabbed his hand and pulled it away from the grasp he had on my clothes. I inspected the molested area of my garment trying to flatten out the material and scowled at him. I couldn't see a lot in the dim light coming in from the cupboard door cracks. "You are acting like a disturbed person! What is going on?" I barked as he stood inches from me and didn't look angry; but almost looked desperate. He bit his lower lip and then looked me in the eye.

"This is just between us...okay?" he said to me in a whisper. I guess he was worried Brian could hear us through the door. I nodded; completely curious what had driven him to behave like a maniac this morning.

"Alright...but this better be good.." I warned him. He sighed and slipped his hand inside his satin blouse and rubbed his shoulder as he looked at me. 

"I have to have my song on the B-side Freddie....please!" he repeated to me. This time it wasn't an order; it was a plea! It kind of threw me when he said this. But I stood firm and crossed my arms with determination. He had to convince me with something more than a return to courtesy. And despite those fucking blue puppy dog eyes of his!

"I need a reason Rog.." I replied. He looked reluctant and then huffed at me with frustration. He suddenly drew a resigned expression on his face. This was it! A reason! I could feel it coming!

"Okay!" he grunted and sighed heavily. "I need the money...." he confessed. I almost wanted to laugh at his reason. Why didn't he just say so to begin with? He had pulled this stunt over money? I tried not to snicker and held my mouth in a controlled grin; covering my teeth. He could tell I wanted to say something condescending to him. I could see it would probably hurt him so I held my tongue and thought about my words. This was more serious than I imagined.

"Why do you need money dear? I thought you had things well in hand?" I asked him sincerely. My own curiosity had shifted to worry. Was there something he wasn't telling us about him and Brian? About the baby?

"I do have things well in hand.." he replied and then seemed flustered. "Let me correct that statement...Brian has things well in hand.." he told me. "Our financial standing is good only because of Brian.." he explained. I was still confused about what his reason was for needing the extra money from a single.

"Well that's a good thing Roger....I don't understand what you are getting at.." I asked in all honesty.

"Look Freddie! I have a child and all the expenses that go along with it! A larger house and a nanny.." Roger told me as his expression revealed what this is really about. "Brian's earnings are what make this all manageable..." he explained. "He has written more songs and had a few singles....he gets a lot more in royalties than I do.." he added. I was starting to see it was a matter of pride for my dear friend. He felt he wasn't contributing enough to their household. It was clear this really bothered him. His ego wasn't vying for the B-side, it was his desire to feel he was a good father. A good provider. My heart melted a little for his cause.

"So you are asking for the B-side so you can contribute more towards your daughter's upkeep?" I laid it out clearly for him. He smiled and nodded to me.

"Precisely...and to even up things between Brian and myself.." he confirmed. I understood wanting to be on a level playing field. I had never considered the fact that Brian was the true breadwinner in their household. It had never come up before. I guess before they had a baby, Roger was content with the status quo. It was interesting that I never heard Brian make any comment about Roger spending his money. I wondered if the feelings about earnings was one-sided on Roger's part. I guess it didn't matter. I would throw him a bone.

"Roger...while I find your approach to getting your way a bit....melodramatic.." I advised him. "And that says a lot coming from me..." I pointed out. "I appreciate your dilemma and won't argue any more.." he looked hopeful he was going to hear the words he had wanted all morning. "You can have the fucking B-side....." I told him. "Just let me out of this god forsaken closet!" I ordered. He beamed at me and removed his hold on the door handle. I smiled in return and opened the door as we both moved to walk out. I got in to the better light in the meeting room and glanced at my shirt sleeve. I was not happy.

"You owe me a new shirt you little shit!" 

\---------------------------

Brian's POV 

I sat on the closed seat in the toilet stall and leaned my head against the wall. I was tired and my head hurt. I knew I had to get back to the meeting. To the standoff. I resigned myself to being a referee and got up from the toilet and opened the stall door. I walked over and washed my hands and splashed some water on me to fortify myself. I traced my fingers over the bags under my eyes and the frame of my ever expanding beard on my chin. I looked as bad as I felt. I patted my face dry and opened the bathroom door. I made my way down the hallway and returned the greetings I received from some office staff. They were really nice people. I found the meeting room door and took a deep breath before I opened it. I looked inside and was surprised to find Roger calmly sitting next to Freddie at the table. Seated nearby were Deacy and John Reid. Our PR person, Caroline, was also at the table.

"Glad you could join us Brian..." John Reid commented as I came in and meekly took a seat next to Deacy. I got settled as Reid explained the challenge he had faced with our choice of single. It seemed there was a lot of discord about it since it was so different and since it happened to be 5 minutes and 55 seconds long. Which is an edit from the original 7 minutes on Freddie's original mixing. He told us that he had arranged a listening session for some people in the industry to drum up support. A final date would be provided once it was in place. This was a relief. He asked us about the status of our other tracks and we each gave updates. Freddie and I both had the most remaining work on our songs. Roger explained he only had to add on a recording of a car engine to his track and it was complete. I like his idea and thought it would lend some humor to his song. I was completely taken aback when Freddie notified Reid that Roger's car song would be the B-side for Rhapsody. Roger appeared downright smug as it was announced. I grinned at him. He had won his fight. We talked some more about the upcoming tour and Caroline discussed the reaction from the article that Rosemary Horide had just published in Disc about Roger, myself and Tiger Lily. There was an outpouring of support for Roger as a single parent and mostly positive comments about me dating his sister. Hah! We all exchanged an amused expression as she read a few remarks she had received. It was quite comical and we had a good laugh. I needed it. Reid asked for another meeting next week to go over some more details of our album release and the upcoming tour. We all got up as he left. Roger came over to me and smirked as he slipped his arm around mine.

"I guess the article was a big success..." he remarked as we lingered in the room. He and Freddie shared an interesting expression as Freddie came up to us. 

"I guess your efforts with Freddie were a success.." I told him. Freddie showed Roger his shirt sleeve for some reason.

"Don't forget about my shirt...I need it for our event tonight....see you shortly..." Freddie said as he and Deacy vacated the room. I couldn't recall plans we had tonight and looked at Roger for an answer. 

"What's tonight?" I asked him. Roger seemed amused at my poor memory. I think he is forgetting I've been up all night. 

"Brian...it's our Gold Disc reception.." Roger reminded me. I had completely forgot. The deadline for our recording has consumed my thoughts. Roger looked excited about tonight so I tried to find some enthusiasm. It was a big deal after all. I smiled at him. Roger ran his hand across my cheek. "I think a shave is in order..." he suggested. He was right. I needed to clean up before tonight. I really needed some sleep first. 

"I'll get a shower and shave but I've got to get some sleep.." I told him as we headed out of the room. "What are you doing this afternoon?" I asked him.

"I've got to stop by the fan club office and then do some overdubs for Freddie..." he answered. "He and I are headed to Swarm Studios.." I walked Roger to the carpark where Freddie was waiting for him. "I guess we will need to meet up at the reception later..." Roger suggested. "Just drive separately..." he told me. I nodded as I headed towards my car and waived goodbye to them both. I rubbed my eyes as I got in my car and drove home. I parked in the drive and went inside. It occurred to me I had not had any food since yesterday afternoon. It might explain my burgeoning headache. The sounds of a crying baby greeted me. Clare was standing in the kitchen talking on the phone to her mother and had Tiger Lily in her arms. Tigs was crying and wiping at her reddened face with her hands. I walked over and held my arms out to her to give Clare a break. 

"Come here poppet..." I told her as I took her in my arms and rubbed her back. Trying to soothe her; calm her down. She laid her head on my shoulder and whined. I hated seeing her feel bad. It hurt my heart. I felt all over her and she was quite warm. Clare hung up the phone and looked at us.

"She has a fever?" I asked her with worry. Clare nodded as she came over with a damp cloth and handed it to me. 

"It's mild one...a few degrees above normal....she started acting like she didn't feel well a few hours ago..." she explained to me. I wiped Tigs face with the cool cloth.

"What did Winnie say?" I asked. I hoped she had some good advice. 

"Since she isn't throwing up and its only a couple of degrees above normal, she thinks it might not be anything critical...probably her teething. She said to give her a bath to cool her off and make sure she gets plenty to drink. Take her to the doctor if she isn't better tomorrow.." she explained. What she said sounded reasonable. I handed Clare the cloth back. 

"Go start a bath for her...we can try to get her comfortable.." I told Clare. "Are there some clean towels upstairs?" I asked her. 

"Yeah....I'll head up now.." she replied. I stood and cuddled Tigs for a bit and she relaxed in my arms. She seemed calmer and wasn't whining as much. I went to the refrigerator to grab a new chilled teething ring for her. She took it from me and was playing with it and then put it in her mouth.

"How about a nice bath to cool you off?" I said to her. We headed upstairs and I found Clare had the water going and some towels pulled out. We got Tigs undressed and I sat her down in the tub. She seemed happy to be in the bath and splashed the water around with her hands. Her mood was better. I wish mine was. My head was pounding at this point. I just ignored it. 

"Bahhh...bafff...". she told us several times; trying to sound out the word we were using. 

"Yes Tiger Lily...it's a bath!" I confirmed to her. Clare grabbed the thermometer to take her temperature as I pulled her out of the tub. We were thrilled to see it was only off by one degree. I wrapped her in a towel and carried her to her room to get her dressed. She looked sleepy. "You want to take a nap?" I asked her as I pulled a pair of pajamas on her. Watching her made me yawn. I picked her up and walked us to my bedroom. She rested her head against my shoulder. I sat down on the bed and held her to me as I laid back in the center of the bed with my head on the pillow. She laid like a dead weight on my chest and let her head rest against my shoulder as she closed her eyes. I could smell the bath wash and baby powder on her and it was soothing. My own eyes felt heavy as I watched her settle down and fall asleep.

Roger's POV

I took Freddie to a clothing shop he likes so he could buy a replacement shirt. I had to because he wouldn't stop bitching about it the moment we got in the car. With a cheeky smile on his face, we left the shop and drove to the fan club office.

"I'll just a be a minute..." I told Freddie as I parked my car temporarily in front of the office. It was separate from John Reid's offices and wasn't too far away from the clothes shop. Freddie pulled a catalog from his bag and waived his hand at me.

"Go on...I'll bide my time with more shopping..." he remarked. I laughed as I got out of the car and went inside. I pulled the envelope from inside my jacket pocket and made my way to Sue's office. I was stopped by practically every female in the place. They asked me about Tiger Lilly and wanted to offer their condolences. I felt really uncomfortable accepting them but knew their hearts were in the right place. By the time I reached Sue's door I was tired. I knocked and went in when she responded.

"Hey Sue! I've got that letter you wanted for the newsletter.." I announced as I came up and held out the envelope. Sue stood up and smiled at me as she took it from me. She opened it up and began reading it to herself. I was a little self conscious watching. She put the letter down and beamed at me.

She put the letter down and beamed at me  
"It's almost perfect! Thank you so much....I know you guys are busy so I appreciate you taking the time to do this.." she said.

"Almost perfect?" I asked her; a little confused by her comment. 

"I thought you would mention Tiger Lily.." she remarked. It felt odd to think about writing something about her in my letter. This was about the band and our music. Not really about our personal lives. I was surprised she was looking for this in my message to the fans.

"I thought our letters were about the band and what we have going on with our music and shows and such..." I replied. "No one has ever mentioned personal stuff really.." I explained to her. 

"Since you've grown in popularity...there is a lot more interest in your personal lives...some of the letters we opened this past week mentioned your daughter. They all read the article about you..." she told me. She walked over to a mail bag in the corner of the room and pointed to it.

"What's this?" I asked her. She opened the bag and pulled out a box. She held it up to me and lifted the lid. I peered inside and found a plush tiger. I immediately felt warm all over and a bit embarrassed. "Is this for the baby?" I asked her. Sue nodded and handed me the box.

"Yes. There are about a dozen plush tigers in the sack. Hang on...there's more.." she said. She got a large mailer envelope out and opened it up and pulled out a t-shirt. It was pink and someone had embroidered her name on it in orange lettering. It was so cute.

"The fans sent this stuff?" I asked in surprise. She nodded and smiled. 

"Yes...they did! When John had his son, he received quite a few baby gifts in the post..." she told me. I hadn't heard that from him. This was so sweet. I looked over the t-shirt again and figured it was probably her size. I put the t-shirt back in the envelope and tucked it under my arm. 

"Is this whole bag stuff for her?" I asked her; still in disbelief. Sue picked up the bag and handed it to me.

"It's all hers!" she confirmed. "You do have some of your own letters in the bottom of the bag.." She then stopped and reached over and grabbed a small stack of letters.

Could you do me a favor and get these letters to Brian?" she asked me. She knew we shared a flat before as roomies who were sharing expenses. I guess they all bought in to the idea that Brian is seeing Clare and lives with me for that reason. I didn't really like the decision about the fake relationship but knew it really did solve a huge problem for us. I swallowed my feelings and took the letters. 

"Sure...I'll get them to him..." I answered. 

I made my way out of the office with the large mail bag. I let go of my irritation about Brian and Clare as I felt the amount of packages in the bag. It made me feel special to get these presents for my girl. I got outside and opened the back door of the car to put the bag in.

"What's that?" Freddie asked me as I closed the door and got in the driver's seat. I had kept the big envelope out and handed it to him. 

"Look inside..." I told him. He took the envelope and peeled open the edge to look in. He grabbed the t-shirt and pulled it out as I started the car up. He looked it over and a huge grin appeared on his face.

"I see our little Queenie has her own fan club.."

\-----------------------

Later that night

Clare's POV

I had put Tigs to bed and was watching a movie on the telly when the front door opened. Brian and Roger came inside with their arms full and they were both talking in an animated fashion. Roger beamed with pride as he walked over and sat down a large stack of framed pictures.

"Is that your disc?" I asked him. He laughed and picked up one of the frames in the stack. Brian stood watching him with his arms full of frames. The frame held a silver colored album disk and a small picture of their first album cover.

"This one is a Silver Disc for Queen...our first record..." Roger announced. He laid it down and picked up another. "And this a Gold for Queen II, but there are Silver and Gold discs for Killer Queen as well..." he said as he showed both of the frames to me. This was a surprise. They thought they were just getting gold discs for Sheer Heart Attack tonight. He had quite the haul. Brian's stack looked identical.

"Oh my gosh Rog! That's amazing!" I said as I got up from the couch and walked over to look at them. His pride was on display as she showed me each one. "Congrats to you both..." I told them. I kissed Roger's cheek. " I guess these are some of the trappings of rock stardom, eh?" I teased. Roger handed me the frame in his hands and started walking out of the room.

"Hang on...it gets better...". He said as he disappeared. Brian and I shared a confused expression while we waited for Roger.

"I'm going to put mine in the music room.." Brian told me as I looked over Rog's stuff. He left and Roger came back in carrying a large mail bag. He was grinning as he opened it and dumped it open on the table in the living room. Brian came back in.

"What's all this?" Brian asked him as I picked up one of the boxes. Roger was practically glowing. 

"Just some things the fan club received from a few adoring fans.." he announced. I open the box in my hand and found a plushie of a tiger. It was adorable! I grinned and held it up to show them both.

"Is this for Tiger Lily?" I asked him as he opened a different box. He was grinning from ear to ear.

"Yeah! There's about a dozen of them in the bag along with some clothes and cards for her.." he bragged. It was lovely that fans had sent presents for her. I was touched. Brian picked up a box and opened it to find a tiger with a rattle in it. He was clearly amused and rattled it and smiled.

"She's going to be spoiled..". He commented as we emptied every box and looked over the cards; handing them to each other after reading it. I saw two rubber banded bundles of letters and picked them up. One appeared to be for Brian and one for Roger. I handed them each their stack.

"Fan mail?" I surmised and Roger nodded as he pulled a letter out and started reading it. He got about halfway through and burst out laughing. 

"What's so funny?" Brian asked him as he ignored his own stack of letters. Roger grinned and looked at us both with a smug expression.

"You two better be on your best behavior from now on..." he informed us. 

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"Cause I got a marriage proposal!"


	33. Am I A Happy Man...Or Is This Sinking Sand?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little tidbit about my timelines. While I don't always follow the Queen timeline to a tee; the song, television, book and film references are factual. Any mention of a song on the radio or a film or show they see is based on what was actually showing in the theaters or on British television or radio at that time. This also holds true for product availability. If something had not been invented yet, you won't find it here. And lastly, I try to tie in actual real world events happening during that time frame to flesh out what was going on in the world around them. I find it fascinating to read what was going on in England when they were ascending in fame and wealth and their home country was in a terrible mess. S

October 1975

London

Roger's POV

I was lying in bed - alone. Brian was off again at the studio working on his bloody songs. He has been gone most days for weeks. Don't get me wrong. It's fucking amazing. At least the parts I have heard that he strung together so far. I just miss him. Missing being with him doing nothing. I rolled over and turned the radio on. Trying to fill the emptiness in the room. The dreadful new David Essex song was ending. I was grateful. I hate that song! I went ahead and left it on the station and was pleased when Elton's newest single played. 'Island Girl' was alright. I like some of Elton's other stuff better. It was still loads better than David Essex's piece of crap. The phone rang so I turned down the music and answered it.

"Hello"

"Hi Roger! It's Caroline at John Reid's office...how are you this morning?" she asked me. I wanted to answer that I was bored and lonely. 

"I'm pretty good!...what's up?" I wondered what this was about.

"I'm calling to recruit you for some promotional work for the new album.." she answered. "Your other band members seem to be busy and declined my request.." she explained. I quickly imagined her fruitless call to Brian or Freddie. Too busy in the studio finishing up their tracks. I knew for certain if she called Deacy he made some excuse. No way was he going to do some promotion work by himself. Especially without Freddie there to support him.

"Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?" I asked her. I wasn't opposed to doing some interviews and talking about the new record. I was generally comfortable with the press, as long as they weren't pricks about our music.

"I actually need someone to appear on television! Saturday Scene with Sally James...you've seen it before?" Caroline asked me. I had seen it once or twice. It was a complete fluff show with five minutes from each guest and lightweight questions. Easy!

"Yeah...I've seen it! Do you need me to go on?"

"That would be fantastic! Can I have a car pick you up tomorrow morning at 8?"

"Sure! I'll be ready..." Caroline practically squealed in the phone. I held the receiver back from my ear.

"Thank you! Thank you!" she told me. I hung up with her and drug myself from the bed. I left the radio on and went into my bathroom. I used the toilet and stood at the sink cleaning up and noticed my face in the mirror. My hair looks like shit! It has grown out and has no shape and the color seemed dull and lifeless. It seemed to make my skin seem drab as well. I ran my hand through it and grimaced at my own reflection. I had lost some of my youthful glow. I was not ready for an appearance on tv. I heard my sister knock on my bedroom door and walked out to answer it.

"Yeah?" I asked her as I opened the door. 

"Morning Rog.." Clare said as her and Tigs stood in the doorway. Clare was standing with Tigs at her feet. She was helping her remain standing and they were practicing her walking. I squatted down and picked her up and my daughter cooed at me as I gave her a hug and kiss.

"What's up with you sunshine?" I asked her as she giggled at my kiss on her nose. Clare smiled at me as she watched. 

"Pahhh...pahhh" Tigs announced. I smiled deeply and was proud of her knowing my name so well these days. She had first said 'Papa' about two weeks ago. It was a great moment. I hadn't grown tired of hearing it.

"Are you hungry? Ready for some lunch?" I asked her as we all headed downstairs. I held on to her and noticed how golden her hair was as we passed by the window. The natural light made it look like shimmering honey. Much nicer than my lifeless color. I followed Clare and saw her hair color was prettier than mine as well. Both her and Mum lightened their hair quite a bit. We got Tigs settled to eat and Clare got her food as I made myself a sandwich. I couldn't help looking at their hair. I got an idea and put my sandwich down and picked up the telephone.

\------------------------ 

"What do you think?" Lexi asked me as she pulled the towel from my head. "Let me dry it so you can see the finished color.." she remarked. I nodded and watched her grab the hair dryer. She grabbed a round brush and turned the dryer on. I watched her technique as she dried and styled my hair at the same time. With the new haircut and color it really did look better. Lexi finished and grabbed the can of hair spray. I closed my eyes while she coated my hair. She teased it a bit.

"Tah da!" she announced as I opened my eyes. I loved it! I felt alive looking at myself in the mirror. My skin looked refreshed from the facial I got and the gold color really warmed my face up. I couldn't help the huge grin that broke out on my face. It was exactly what I wanted. Needed right now. "You like it, don't you?" Lexi asked me in a suggestive tone. I nodded and reached over and kissed her cheek.

"It's perfect!" 

\----------------------

"Well Clare...I'm off...wish us luck!" I told her as I came down the stairs dressed for the listening party John Reid had arranged for us. We were trying to sell our new single and album to the media, specifically some disc jockeys and promoters. I looked over my clothes again to make sure everything looked good. Clare beamed at me as she came up and folded down my jacket collar and patted it.

"You really look amazing Rog!" she answered. "Brian will absolutely love it!" she commented to me. She had raved about my hair as soon as I came in from the hairdressers. Telling me how great the hair cut was. The color. She said I looked more like a rock star! That was music to my ears. I grabbed my car keys and wallet and headed out to the party. Brain was already at Roundhouse Studios working and I didn't tell him about my hair appointment. I wanted to surprise him. I arrived at the studios and checked myself in the rearview mirror before getting out. I went inside and found the place full of faces. Some familiar; some not. They were here for the listening party. I grabbed a drink from the makeshift bar and found my way in to the main room being used for the event. I immediately found John Reid and Caroline standing together. Reid waived me over. I lit a cigarette as I made my way.

"Hi Roger! Hey...thanks for doing the tv show tomorrow.." Reid remarked as I shook his hand and kissed Caroline's cheek. 

"My pleasure John.." I replied with a smile. I saw Caroline looking at me with a devilish grin.

"I have to say Roger...you look pretty handsome...they will eat you up on the telly tomorrow.." Caroline commented to me. I grinned and fluffed my hair and then took a puff off my cigarette.

"Just got it done. Glad you like it!" I replied. We made some small talk as other people arrived. They needed to greet some guests so I looked around for Brian and the others. Deacy and Veronica were sitting at a table near a speaker. I walked over and said hello. 

"Ready for the big reveal?" I asked Deacy as he sipped on his beer. He seemed nervous. 

"I'm excited!" Ronnie remarked. "John hasn't let me hear the final version of his song.." she revealed. I nudged Deacy in the shoulder. 

"Why haven't you let her hear your track, mate?" I asked him. He shook his head. 

"I'm afraid she won't like it..." he told me as Ronnie rolled her eyes. I was shocked he was so anxious about her hearing it.

"C'mon Deaks...she's going to love it!" I assured him. Ronnie leaned over and kissed his cheek. Deacy grinned at her. I heard Freddie come in and he waived me over. 

"He wants you to meet his new deejay friend.." Deacy informed me as I got up from my seat.

"Who's that?" I asked him. 

"Kenny Everett...he's from Capitol Radio..." he told me. I know who Kenny is. He is one of the biggest deejays on the radio right now. The top weekend show. I walked over and Freddie grabbed my hand as I came up to them. He was standing next to a thin man with floppy hair and a beard. I could immediately sense a kindred spirit thing between these two men.

"Rog dear....meet my new best friend Kenny Everett.." Freddie exclaimed as I took Kenny's hand and smiled at him. I could see Kenny looking me over. He smiled at me with bright eyes.

"The pleasure is all mine....boy aren't you the looker of the band!" Kenny remarked to me as we shook hands. I had a fleeting feeling that Kenny was flirting with me.

"Hey...don't knock my mates....they all have their own qualities.." I argued. Freddie grew smug at my compliment to him. Kenny laughed and sipped his glass of champagne. 

"Now Freddie-kins here tells me you like to have a gay ole time!" Kenny told me in a suggestive tone as he leaned in and whispered to me. I realized Freddie had confided in Kenny and told him my sexual orientation. I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I know he is a friend of Freddie's but I don't know him and I'm not sure I want someone who is so public having this knowledge. I shot Freddie a shitty glare and then smiled at Kenny. Before I could say something, Freddie chimed in.

"It's alright Rog...he's one of the gang!" he clarified to me. So Kenny was gay as well! This did change things. Kenny smiled at me with a devilish grin. 

"I have to say Roger...I'm devastated you're spoken for!" Kenny told me and fluttered his eyelashes at me and Freddie slapped his arm. Kenny slapped him back. "Freddie told me you are basically married..." he added. I nodded to him. 

"You could say that...I am taken!" I replied. I looked around and didn't see Brian anywhere. 

"If you're looking for the missus, he is still in room 2." Freddie quipped to me. I emptied my drink and set it on the table nearby. I guess I needed to drag Brian to his own party.

"Excuse me gents.." I replied. "Nice to meet you Kenny.." I told him as I left the room. I went down the hallway and found the door marked with a 2. I opened the door and went inside. There he was - hunched over the mixing board with a pen tucked in his ear and his fingers tapping on the desk to the rhythm of our music coming from the speaker.

"It's time for the party..." I told Brian as I walked over and perched my head on top of his as he sat in the chair. I pulled the pen from behind his ear and placed it on the board. I hit the switch to stop whatever tape he was playing.

"Hey!" he told me irritably. I turned his chair and saw he looked tired and pale. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair was a mess. I frowned at him and pulled him up from his chair. I kissed him and he whined a little. Then smiled at me. He can be cute when he is grumpy.

"I hope you remembered a change of clothes..." I said to him as I dragged him towards the door.

"I have some clothes hanging up in there.." he answered as we passed the cupboard. I stopped and opened it and grabbed them. We went to the toilets and got him changed and looking presentable. I wet my hands and ran them through his hair.

"Bri...you really need to get some rest..." I told him as I made his hair presentable. "I know the album is important but you're going to make yourself sick..." I said. He closed his eyes and nodded to me.

"I know babe..." he answered. "I'm so close to finishing this song..." he explained. I got his hair fixed and he turned to look at himself in the mirror. He was happy with my efforts. "Thanks.." he told me. He started walking out of the toilets and I stopped and checked my own appearance. As I looked in the mirror I saw my new hair and realized Brian hadn't even noticed. If he did, he didn't say anything. It stung a little. I sighed and followed him out to the party.

We spent 15 minutes greeting our guests and Brian had found some energy to make small talk with the attendees. I was relieved he wasn't too grumpy from being tired. We all got seated as John Reid readied the tapes and we sat and listened to a preview tape that was put together by our producer, Roy, for tonight. Roy and Mike were here and we all enjoyed the mix they prepared. I eagerly watched the crowd and liked the reactions I saw. Kenny had strategically sat next to Freddie and I heard him ask Freddie several questions and made some excited remarks as the tape played. I was feeling confident about our record. Brian appeared happy with the mix and we eyed each other a few times. When it was finished we received a huge round of applause from the attendees. We stood up and engaged in excited chatter about what they had heard. I answered some questions and shared enthusiasm with the guests. Despite this, we heard misgivings about our new single and the length of the song. Some deejays told us they wouldn't be able to play it. This was a bit disheartening. 

I tried to dismiss this as I found my way over to Deacy and got Veronica's expected review of his new song. She had got teary eyed at how beautiful it was. Deacy seemed bashful about it, which I found sweet. I heard more than a few remarks about my song but they were generally positive and people enjoyed the humor of it. It was satisfying. I also received quite a few compliments on my hair. Several women flirted openly with me and I enjoyed the attention. The party was winding down and I saw Brian speaking with Freddie and Kenny. I made my way over to them.

"I don't think so...thanks for the offer.." I heard Brian tell Freddie and Kenny. I came up and put my arm around Brian's back; in a careful friendly manner. Suitable for public viewing. 

"What's going on?" I asked him.

"They were inviting us to go out to a club tonight.." Brian told me. It sounded like fun to me. I hadn't been out of the house or the studio for weeks. I smiled at him.

"Let's go!" I replied. Brian shook his head. 

"I need to get some sleep..." he complained to me. I had to agree that he needed the rest. I would have loved to have some time with him away from the studio though. He could sleep in tomorrow.

"How about we go for just an hour or two? You can sleep in tomorrow.." I asked him. He seemed hesitant. I gave him puppy eyes. I hoped he would notice my hair and say something. Maybe me looking better would spark some interest. Brian didn't appear moved by my request. I was disappointed and a little hurt. 

"C'mon Bri!" Freddie campaigned. "Show your man a good time and cut loose a little.." Freddie cajoled to him. I smiled at him as best I could and I could see a weakening in Brian's reserve. His mouth flinched.

"Alright...but just an hour or so..." he surrendered. I was grateful to Freddie and we shared a smile as Brian took a drink and wrapped his arm around me.

\--Two hours later--

"The drinks are terrible and the music is too loud.." Brian complained as we sat in a booth in the VIP area of the club. Kenny was immediately shown in by the club hostess when we arrived and we were given carte blanche. I don't know what Brian had to complain about. The drinks were free and the music wasn't the worst I've heard. There was a crowded dance floor off the to side and there were lots of interesting people. It was fun to drink and just observe the madness.

"Are you ready to go yet?" Brian asked me as I worked on my fourth glass of champagne of the night. He had only had one beer the entire time we have been here. Freddie and Kenny were off dancing with two starlets. I had already turned down a few dance offers to spend some time with Brian. It appeared to be a wasted effort. He had sat and silently watched the room and practically ignored myself, Fred and Kenny. I should have sent him straight home.

"I'd like to stay if I'm honest..." I confessed to him. He looked dour when hearing my response.

"Didn't you say you have a tv show in the morning?" he asked me; sounding like a parent. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Yes...but I actually got a full night's rest last night so I'm fine..." I answered. I realized keeping him out was fruitless. "Look...if you are ready to go...take the car..." I told him. He looked annoyed that I wasn't going with him. 

"You said we would come for two hours and leave...it's two hours Rog...let's go!" he told me in a harsh tone. I felt like he was ordering me to leave and it rubbed me the wrong way. I know he is tired but that doesn't mean he can be shitty to me. He hasn't even noticed my fucking hair. 

"Yeah...well...I changed my mind...I need a night out..." I argued back. "I've been cooped up for weeks...haven't seen much of you...I need a break..." I added. He took my hand and pulled on it.

"Then come with me now....we can hang out at home..." he replied. He proceeded to yawn in my face and I knew he would be asleep within ten minutes in the car. We would spend our time with me just watching him sleep. I shook my head.

"Go on home...I'll be back later..." I answered. He seemed angry and let go of my hand.

"That's just what you need...another night of drinking too much.." he remarked under his breath as he shuffled out of the booth. I shot him a look of anger and grabbed his arm to stop him.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked him; feeling pretty annoyed right now. He jerked his arm away and then leaned over the table at me.

"I think you need to curb your drinking Rog...you've had a few too many over indulgences in the past few months...wouldn't you agree?" he snapped at me. I know I've had a few drunken nights lately but I am fucking 26 years old and entitled to some fun on occasion. This is my youth! At least what is left of it. 

"Maybe in comparison to your geriatric view on things I have overdone it....I'm 26 Bri! I think I can manage a few nights of revelry!" I spat back. He looked livid at my comment which almost made me smirk. I had got to him! 

"You know what? Do whatever the fuck you want!" he barked at me as he grabbed his jacket and pulled it on. "I'll go be the responsible one as usual...someone has to care about being there for Tiger Lily!" he shot back. I couldn't believe what he said to me. I grabbed my drink and threw it in his face.

"Fuck you Brian!" I shouted at him. He glared at me and stormed out of the VIP section. It wasn't true! I love my daughter and I've been home more than he has lately. I stewed in my anger at him as I grabbed the champagne bottle sitting in the ice bucket and refilled my glass. 

\--2 hours later--

Kenny had introduced me to his friend Portia. She was a trust fund socialite who hung out in clubs most nights and had befriended many of the regulars. She liked to hang out with Kenny and his friends a lot since most were gay and didn't try to take advantage of her. I was happy to dance with someone who wouldn't try to hit on me. We spent some time on the dance floor and ended up back at Kenny's booth. Freddie was off somewhere with a new acquaintance and Kenny was entertaining some guy named Alistair. They were both pretty drunk; drunker than me. Alistair began flirting with Portia and she reciprocated. It was amusing to watch them hit on each other so directly.

"I'm bisexual...you know that right?" Alistair told Portia. She leaned in to him in the booth and laughed as she pulled his tie loose around his neck. 

"Aren't we all?" she replied and laughed again as she proceeded to climb into his lap. Kenny and I shared raised eyebrows as we proceeded to watch them begin snogging each other; seated between us in the booth. I was kind of enjoying the show and saw Alistair slip his hand up into her dress between her legs. I swear he started fingering her as I sat and watched. She started making sounds and things got pretty heated between them. I started to make my way from the booth. It had become a bit much.

"Toilets!" I mouthed to Kenny and he nodded and pointed at them and then poured himself another glass of champagne as he leaned back in the booth and kept watching the show. I made my way across the crowded club and found the gents. I went inside and took a much needed pee. I was feeling pretty good but had my wits about me. I finished up and was zipping up my pants when I saw two young guys walk in to the room and they smirked at me as they came up to the long vanity I was standing at. One of the guys placed a vial on the counter and his friend leaned over and opened it up. He inhaled on it and then whipped his head up and made a snorting sound. I wasn't sure if it was coke or a popper. I tried to ignore them and grabbed a towel to dry my hands. I started walking out.

"Want a hit?" the guy asked me. I had to admit I was at least curious what they were using. I turned to see what he was holding up to me.

"What have you got there?" I asked him and stood in place. 

"It's a popper!" he told me. I knew these only lasted a short while from my last experience and figured it wouldn't hurt anything. Brian had only been upset about the coke really. I smiled and walked over and took the vial from the guy. I noticed he had nice brown eyes. He looked harmless. I looked inside the vial and pondered it for a moment. I peered at the guys who were watching me expectantly.

"You've got to be an actor or pop star or something, right?" the brown eyed guy asked me in a meek voice. I smiled at him and nodded. "We saw you sitting in the VIP section!" he said excitedly.

"I am actually...I'm in a rock band!" I replied; deciding not to reveal which one. Both of their eyes grew big and they formed massive grins.

"I can't believe I'm gonna get high with a rock star!" the guy exclaimed to his friend and nudged him with his arm. He looked so thrilled to be in my presence. It was flattering. I smiled and lifted the vial to my nose and took a whiff. It was pretty powerful and I staggered a bit as I set it on the counter. My head was instantly swimming.

"Fuck!" I yelled out and laughed. They both took hits right after me and the one guy dropped the vial and it sounded like a cannon going off in the tiled room. We all busted out laughing but I had to lean against the counter as my body felt like liquid all over. It was warm and wonderful. I felt the familiar tingling of my face feeling a bit numb and wondered if the smile I had one my face was noticeable. We all stood around and grinned like dumb idiots for a few minutes. I saw the brown eyed kid turn and whisper something to his friend. His friend nodded and walked out of the toilets. The brown eyed kid walked up to me.

"I think you're really beautiful.." he told me in a half whisper and leaned in to my side and kissed my cheek. I felt a shiver run down my back and turned my face as he slowly turned his lips to mine. He brushed his lips across mine. It felt electric! I had never kissed another man besides Brian. Except for that piece of shit Jim from that photo shoot years go but that was him kissing me and it wasn't wanted. This felt different. All my nerve endings lit up as he brushed his lips over mine again. He stepped back and held up the vial to me. I blindly took it from him and opened the lid and took another whiff.

I never found out the guys name. After I took my second whiff he took me by the arm and guided me into a stall in the toilets. I leaned against the wall as he knelt down in front of me and unzipped my trousers. I steadied my legs as best as I could under the influence and closed my eyes as he sucked me off. I took forever to come because of the drug. When I did I felt really strange and realized I was kind of freaked out. The guy pulled off me and I had a strong desire to run. I fiddled with my zipper and managed to get it pulled up and staggered out of the stall.

"What's your name?" the kid asked me as I headed straight for the door. I didn't look back and marched out of the back of the club towards the exit. What the fuck did I just do? I tore out of the club and looked up and down the street. I walked over to the bouncer and he saw me come up.

"Need a ride?" he asked me. I nodded as I realized I had left my suede coat inside. Fuck! I wrapped my thin suit jacket around me as I waited in the cold for the taxi. At least the chilled air sobered me a bit. A taxi pulled up and I climbed inside and told him my address. He took off and I laid down in the back seat and closed my eyes. I kept reliving what I could recall of what I'd just done and wanted to be sick. I couldn't get sick in the taxi so I held myself together. Trying to not think about what I had just done. The ride felt like forever. He finally pulled up to the house and I fished out the money for the fare. I stepped out and walked down the street towards an alleyway and proceeded to make myself throw up in a darkened corner. I heaved a few times and felt dizzy but felt better as I straightened up and slowly walked back towards the house. I looked at my watch and saw it was 2:15 am. The car was picking me up at 8 for the tv show. I made it to the front door and wondered if Brian would be waiting up for me. I hoped not. I opened the door as quietly as possible and found the downstairs dark and empty. I slipped off my shoes and slowly crept up the stairs. I decided to use the excuse of the tv show in the morning to take a shower right now. I opened my bedroom door and found Brian fast asleep on his side of the bed. I walked past him and went in to the bathroom and closed the door and got the shower going. 

As the water ran over me I felt a compulsion to get as clean as possible. I felt dirty and tried to scrub away my bad decisions and the evidence of my betrayal. I washed myself twice over with the soap and washcloth and only stopped the shower because I was afraid the warm water was running out. I grabbed a towel and dried off thoroughly. I avoided looking at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. I didn't need to look in the mirror to see the guilt I knew was all over my face. I was now pretty sober and it was quite sobering. The reality of my actions sunk in as I made my way out to the bed. I stood and watched Brian sleeping peacefully and innocently in bed. Everything he had said about me tonight was true. I am a fuck up! A piece of shit! I have drank too much and let myself make some really foolish choices as a result. Why did I do this again? Why did I let myself take a second whiff and let that fucking kid take me to that stall? What the fuck is wrong with me? I shook my head and felt myself get emotional over it all. The tears formed in my eyes and I wiped at them to keep them in check as I walked over to my side of the bed. I sat on the edge facing the door and tried to get a hold of myself. I thought about going to sleep in the guest room. I suddenly didn't feel worthy of sharing this bed with Brian. I have cheated on him more than once. I'm a horrible person! I needed to tell him. Beg him to forgive me. I wiped at my leaking eyes and pondered what to do. I suddenly felt his arm slip around me from behind me on the bed.

"I see you made it home safe..." he told me quietly as he came up and sat behind me on the bed. He kept his arm around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. Fuck! Why was he being so nice to me? "I'm sorry about tonight..." he told me in a timid voice. He shouldn't be sorry! I'm the one who is sorry! I'm a sorry piece of shit! I felt the tears spill out of my eyes at his apology. One I truly didn't deserve. "Hey!" Brian realized I was crying and pulled off my back and turned me around to face him as he sat on my side of the bed with me. He wiped at my tears with his finger. 

"Rog? Are you okay?" he asked me. I wasn't alright. Not at all. I shook my head and looked at him as he watched me with worry. I could see his eyes in the darkness of the room. They were so beautiful. I didn't deserve their beauty. He pulled me to him in an embrace.

"I'm sorry...you were right!" I finally said out loud to him. "I'm a piece of shit and I've been drinking too much...I'm sorry!" Brian pulled me back and appeared dismayed.

"You are not a piece of shit Rog...don't ever say that!" he chided me. "I'm glad you can see you've drank too much lately...but that doesn't make you a piece of shit!"

"I am Bri! I am everything you said I am..." I replied. He shook his head at me.

"I never said you were a piece of shit! Don't think that! You are sorry about the drinking and you are here right now! That's what matters...okay?" he told me and hugged me back against him. "You're here now and let's just go forward okay?" he told me. Go forward? It made sense. I struggled with just blurting out what I had done. Afraid it would eat me alive if I didn't. I would tell him and then we could go forward. 

"There is something I want to tell you..." I said to Brian and felt my body quiver suddenly with fear. Brian pulled back from his hug and smiled at me. He touched my hair.

"It's about your hair isn't it?" he asked me as he ran his hand through my locks. "I noticed earlier. I should have said something...I'm sorry....it really looks amazing!" he remarked. His eyes shifted from my hair to my own eyes and he smiled warmly at me. "It's beautiful babe.." I lost my nerve to tell him as he pulled me in for a kiss. The kiss earlier tonight had felt electric but this one warmed and comforted me all the way through. Brian pulled away from me and climbed back over to his side of the bed. He turned and gestured to me. "You need to get to sleep....you've got an early day..." he reminded me. I abandoned my idea and simply closed my eyes and laid down.

\--------------------------

"Roger Taylor, you and your band have had quite the year!" Sally commented as she interviewed me on live television. She had asked a few questions about our new record, which were easy to answer. I knew our time was about up. "An impressive hit with Sheer Heart Attack and you have a new single coming out soon, is that correct?" she asked me. I smiled and tried to look at her and not the giant camera a few feet away.

"That's right! I don't want to reveal the name yet but it should be out by early November.." I replied. She smiled at my concise answer. 

"And any shows planned after your new album release?"

"Yes...We've just booked a tour here in the UK and have shows planned for the US after the new year.." I explained. "Tickets for the UK shows are on sale now!" I remembered to say. I knew Caroline would be happy I remembered all the notes she left for me with the show producer. Sally smiled at me again and I saw her glance at her director off to the sides. I figured our time ran out. Sally turned back to me.

"Roger...before I let you go...I want to let you know how many calls and messages we received when we announced you were coming on the show today. So many callers wanted to express their admiration and support in you caring for your little girl. Such a tragic story...but you have captured the hearts of many of our viewers." she announced out of the blue. I wasn't prepared for this but just smiled graciously. I didn't like talking about this in a public forum. I knew I just needed to acknowledge it and move on.

"Thanks Sally...it means lot!" I said back. 

"Thank you Roger for coming on today and best of luck to you and Queen with the new album and tour.." she remarked. I smiled and nodded and muttered thanks as she focused on the camera. "When we come back...I'll be in conversation with Prunella Scales...one of the stars of the new series from Monty Python alum John Cleese...it's called Fawlty Towers!" Sally smiled as the camera light went off and we shared a goodbye as I was led off the stage. I left the studio and headed home in the car Caroline had arranged for me.

I arrived home and was glad to find Brian's car was there. I was tired and wanted to spend some time with my family. Ready to go forward as Brian had put it last night. Just let go and start a new and not make any more bad choices. I opened the front door and went it to find Brian and Tiger Lilly seated at the kitchen table enjoying some breakfast. Brian looked a bit more rested which made me feel better. He stood up as I walked in and kissed me before going to the counter.

"We watched you on the tv! You did great! I've saved some food for you..." he told me as he opened the oven door and pulled out a dish. I sat down and began eating. It tasted good and I thought about a full stomach and a nap being a nice way to spend part of my day. I was chewing my food when I heard Clare come bounding down the stairs yelling at us.

"Turn on the radio!" she shouted as she came in the room. Brian stood up but Clare ran to the kitchen radio first and turned it on; looking excited as she turned the dial.

"What is it?" I asked her as she stopped the dial and turned to us as she cranked up the volume

"It's your song!" she exclaimed as the volume went up.

"I see a little silhouette of a man!"

I heard Freddie's voice coming from the radio and it was followed by the rest of our voices in response with our line 'Scaramouche Scaramouche...will you do the fandango?' 

Brian and I looked at each other in disbelief. Clare beamed at us.

"It's Kenny Everett's show! He's playing your song!"


	34. Don't Try Suicide - Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reminder that the chapter with this title are not in exact order. They fall between other chapters on purpose.

Brian's POV

I was wearing normal clothes today. A blue button down shirt and my comfy black trousers. No slippers even. I was wearing my clogs. It was the first time I wore them besides pajamas to see Dr. Fischer. He walked in the room and smiled at me as he took his usual seat. He got his file situated in his lap and pulled out his pen and held it in his hand in a way I knew would allow him to tap the pen as we spoke. I was comforted at the familiarity of his actions.

"You look nice today Brian...I see you are wearing your regular clothes...that's really good!" he commented as he opened his file. I grinned and found my hands relaxing in my lap. The compulsion to cling to my shirt hem was not as strong as before. I felt a little better than I had yesterday. A little stronger. 

"I felt like getting dressed today..." I commented to the doctor. He smiled warmly as he glanced at his notes.

"I'm glad to hear that Brian!' he replied. "Let's get started...so...when we last spoke you had talked about making your album and the problems that surfaced with Roger during this time. His drinking and the fights you both started having...want to talk about what was going on and how this all made you feel?" I know I need to really expound on my feelings. I have been bad about giving limited responses and sticking to facts. I tried to sort out everything in my mind.

"I know he struggled with accepting becoming a parent. Felt he was too young and didn't want the responsibility. I guess I just accepted our new reality better than he did. I'm not sure if it was because I'm older or because I was more keen on having a child. I don't know. I just know I found a way to be happy about our circumstances. He didn't find it so easily..it seemed to make him feel old..." I explained to him.

"How did it make you feel when he drank so much...when he would disappear as you explained to me?" the doctor asked me. Again. He is looking for my feelings. Not facts. I found I really struggle to accept my own feelings about it all. I'm afraid of the pain I guess.

"When he started drinking a lot it made me feel like I wasn't enough..." I blurted out. Surprised at my own words. "I wasn't enough to get him through his crisis..." I added. "It hurt me to think he couldn't find enough solace with me and needed to drink to feel better.." I remembered the feelings I had when the anger would fade about his drunken episodes. About feeling inadequate to help him. 

"Did you tell him you felt this way?" he asked me. I shook my head. 

"No....I think I didn't really understand what it was doing to me...I was so focused on the baby and on the band....I just really think maybe I wasn't coping well either and we didn't really talk about our feelings....we just seemed to get angry about things and take it out on each other.." Dr. Fischer seemed to understand what I was saying. It felt good to say and to feel heard. Even though Roger is the one I should probably be saying it to.

"So did things just go downhill from there and you ended up at the breaking point?" he asked me directly. I shook my head and smiled a little. Remembering the brief time things seemed better. 

"No....we actually got better before things got worse...it was strange.." I answered. I recalled that time period and actually treasured it a little. It was really good then. At least it seemed that way. "We started the tour and Roger seemed better...excited about our new success and was trying to be a good father...a good husband...he stopped drinking so much..." I smiled as I recalled the wonderful moments we shared for those precious few months. Becoming bona fide rock stars together and the band reaching new heights so quickly. "The band really exploded! We became real rock stars! I told him with a proud smile. I was proud of this. Of us. As I thought about us being rock stars, a memory of part of what that world means struck me hard. I lost my smile and knew my face had turned to one of pain.

"Brian....what happened to change everything? When did things start going wrong again?" 

"Well becoming real rock stars was part of the problem..." I told him. He tapped his pen waiting for me to add to my statement. I sighed and found my hand reaching for the hem of my shirt. Needing the comfort of it in my grasp. I needed it to talk about the pain. I clenched the fabric in my fingers. Grounding myself.

"What about becoming real rock stars changed things?" he asked me again. I swallowed hard and answered.

"It changed things because I found out he had been acting like a typical rock star! I found out about his cheating..."


	35. Ladies and Gentleman - A Night At The Opera!  Part 1

14th November 1975

Liverpool England

Brian's POV

Things were certainly different on this tour from the last. A lot different! We were on our way up the singles chart with Bohemian Rhapsody. We had jumped from number 47 to 17 in a week. It was pretty amazing how well the reception has been for such an unconventional song. We are all thrilled. I barely finished my own songs in time for our album to go to pressing and we had less than a week to decide and rehearse our new concert setlist together. But we managed to pull it off. Freddie was on cloud nine with the success of his masterpiece and he had acquired some new stage clothes to add to the drama of his presentation. He was sporting a new winged costume reminiscent of the mythical character Mercury - the Messenger of the Gods! It felt fitting considering we were taking flight quickly in the world of rock and roll. We all had some new stage clothes and added more lights and effects but nothing compared to Freddie's new look.

We all had some new stage clothes and added more lights and effects but nothing compared to Freddie's new look  
Speaking of things being different. Another big change from the last tour to this one was bringing along Tiger Lily and Clare with us. We had questioned doing this but when the IRA bombed another site in London in mid-October, the idea of leaving them at home with these attacks going on left me quite anxious. Clare had been upset as well. We notified our new tour manager that we needed accommodations for four instead of two. Gerry Stickells is just the best. He has worked with many other notable music acts, but I am particularly impressed with his stint as tour manager for Jimi Hendrix. Being handled by the same man who handled Jimi really makes me feel like a rock star I must say. He took care of our situation with no fuss and we found that two hotel rooms with adjoining inside doors was provided for us at each tour stop. This made our lives much easier. We were grateful. We were also grateful he accepted working for us after we disclosed that Roger and I were together.

One thing I am grateful for is the fact that Roger has been true to his word. He expressed a lot of regret about the amount of drinking he has done over the past few months. He has hardly drank at all and been quite attentive to me and the girls. It has been a nice change. One less thing to weigh on me. We managed to get packed and traveled north for our first show of the tour. Liverpool has always been a great city for us and we sold out two nights at the Empire theater. In fact, with the attention our new record is getting, the entire tour has already sold out. There has been talk already about adding some shows, but we all feel we need the break during the holidays to rest up before our giant tour of North America and Japan next year. John Reid is also negotiating some shows for us in Australia since we will already be in that part of the world during our touring. It's quite exciting but a long time to be on the road. It was going to be a busy new year. 

We left the hotel and headed for the soundcheck at the Empire. We rode separate from the others since we had Clare and Tigs coming to watch us. We arrived at the theater and got out of the car and I went to pick up Tigs so I could carry her inside. Roger grabbed my arm as I reached for her. 

"Bri...there's some press out front.." he told me. I noticed the people he was referring to and sighed. I shared an uneasy glance with him and watched him pick up the baby instead. Clare grabbed the baby bag and we began walking towards the entrance. I buttoned up my coat against the chilling wind and looked over at Roger to make sure he had Tiger Lily bundled up. She had on her new pink velvet coat and matching hat and seemed okay in the cold. She was staring at all the people as we approached the building. Some photographers started taking pictures. Shit! We knew this was a possibility as there wasn't a photo yet of Roger actually with Tigs and he had been asked about this. I guess they were getting one now but it wouldn't be that revealing since her face was partly covered by her hat. Roger looked anxious as we picked up speed to get inside. We saw a couple of reporters coming towards us. This was our first experience with the four of us facing the press together. It felt really awkward. We had talked about what we would do, so we were prepared. I swallowed hard and reached for Clare's hand. I fucking hate this! She took my hand and we both donned smiles as the reporter and his photographer blocked our way. It is infuriating that I can't hold my husband's hand and be authentic in public but it is perfectly okay for me to hold the hand of my pretend girlfriend.

"Just a few questions before you head inside?" the reporter asked us. I didn't feel like he was really asking since he blocked our way. Roger and I quickly glanced at each other and we gave in.

"Make it quick..." I replied and the reporter smiled eagerly at us. His photographer snapped a few shots as we were asked some questions.

"This is the first show of your new tour. Are you nervous about taking the stage tonight?" he asked us. I was relieved it was a band related question. I could feel Clare's hand squeeze mine for support. 

"Not nervous, just excited..." I responded. "Can't wait to share our new material with the fans.." I remarked. The reported seemed happy and turned to Roger. Roger held Tigs close to him and tried to focus on the question. 

"Roger...I see you've brought your daughter with you on tour...does she like your music?" he asked Roger this absurd question and I could sense Roger wanting to roll his eyes and give a sarcastic remark. He remained restrained.

"She's one year old mate....I don't think she knows enough words yet to render an opinion.." he replied in a light-hearted manner. I found his response typical Roger and just perfect. I tried to hide my smile as the reporter kept talking. I saw Tigs staring at the reporter and she seemed confused and restless. She had not been around this many people before and was trying to soak it all in. She started shifting around in Roger's arms. Wanting to stand instead of being held. He kept a tight grip on her. I quickly looked at Clare and we shared a small look of concern as we kept hold of each other's hands. 

"Your new single is racing up the charts...what do you think your chances are for a number one by Christmas?" the reporter asked us as a few other reporters came up and began milling around for their turn since we had stopped to talk. This was starting to get out of control. I looked over at the entrance and wished some security would appear. 

"I think our chances are pretty good...we did jump 30 places in the charts!" I heard Freddie confidently boast from behind us. He came walking up with Deacy and several security men. I shot him a grateful look and I was relieved to see them all. Freddie gestured to the reporter and looked up at the other press people and gave them his best grin. Of course the photographers began focusing on Freddie, as did the reporters. Two of the security men came up and one tapped Roger's shoulder. We were going to be escorted inside! Thank god!

"Good luck with the show!" the reporter commented when he saw we were getting ready to leave. I smiled and nodded.

"Cheers!" I replied and we turned to go inside. I was glad the questions stopped before they asked any about me and Clare or got more personal about the baby. We went through the doors and I let go of Clare's hand as we savored the warm air in the theater. I smiled at her as the security man showed us the way to the dressing rooms. Our awkward moment was over. Freddie and Deacy were following us. 

"I guess we need some security with you all the time..." Deacy commented. "That could have got out of hand fast..." he added. 

"I think you're right..." I replied.

\--------------------

We got settled and started the sound check in the auditorium. Clare and Tigs were sitting in chairs in the back part of the front section next to Freddie's fiancé Mary. She had arrived just before we started; having taken the train from London. She wanted to be there for the tour opening and Freddie was thrilled to have her. He had explained that he and Mary were still sharing a place even though their romantic relationship had soured. They were still best friends and remained close. It was hard for them to let go of the undeniable connection they've always had. I admired their dedication to each other and found it mature and pragmatic.

Since we had just a small amount of time for rehearsals before the tour start, we were doing a full run through of the entire show today. This was to help us as well as our lighting and effects crew. Roger and I made it to the stage and he quickly went up to John Harris who was working on adjusting some microphones.

"Did you get those ear plugs I asked about?" Roger asked him. John nodded and pointed out at Tigs in the seats.

"Yeah...she's got them in so we are all set!" John replied. I looked out and waived to Clare, Tigs and Mary and was glad John had arranged some ear plugs for the baby. This was quite a bit of noise for her at one year of age. I watched Clare lean down and say something to Tigs. Tiger Lily waived her tiny hand at me and I instantly felt warm all over. Roger and I shared a smile as he went to his kit. I walked over to Jobby and he handed me Red. I quickly got her ready and waited for Freddie to give the nod. The sound tech started our pre-recorded introduction and we went straight into our entire set.

Our run though went well, despite a few gaffs remembering newer songs and some lighting cues. It was proof we needed this last rehearsal. We finished with a good feeling about opening night. As we had a final discussion about tonight I saw Clare and Mary coming up to the stage with Tigs in tow. The security man guided them to get up on the stage as Roger climbed down from his kit. I went to go get the baby but Freddie rushed over and kissed Mary and then took Tiger Lily in his arms and walked over by Ratty as he was fine tuning Freddie's microphone at his piano. I walked a few feet to see better as Freddie sat down at the piano bench and turned Tigs towards the microphone. Roger and I shared a curious glance as we wondered what Freddie was up to. 

"Say hi princess...." Freddie cooed to Tigs as he held her up in front of the mic. The microphone was still on and we would hear any little sounds she was making. It was pretty cute. I rested my hands on top edge of my guitar and watched completely bewitched as Freddie let Tigs have her debut. Freddie repeated the word to her several times as she put her hand on the microphone to get a feel of this new object and we endured the sound effects. She finally turned to him and smiled as she moved her hand away from the mic.

"Hi.." she told him sweetly. Her tiny sweet voice came over the speakers and melted my heart. Roger walked up to stand next to me and put his arm around my back. It was a tender moment to share together. Roger walked over to rescue Tigs from Freddie. Jobby came and took my guitar as Roger walked up to me with the baby. I immediately gave Tigs a kiss on the forehead and straightened her hair. 

"She did pretty well during your rehearsal...." Clare told me as we all started to head off the stage. "I only had to get up twice to walk her around.." she commented. Roger held her until we got to the dressing room and then put her down so she could walk around. She made her way around the room by grabbing on the table and chair legs and people. I kept my eye on her as Roger changed clothes and got some water and then I changed. We all went out and got in the cars to go back to the hotel for some rest and food before the show. Figuring out food for Tigs is a challenge since she still has a limited diet. We are away from home from the 13th of November until we return to London on the 29th for five shows at the Hammersmith Odeon theater. After this we are headed back out for more shows in UK on the 6th of December until we return on the 17th to start our break for the holidays. We stocked up on a lot of jarred baby food.

We had room service delivered for an early dinner tonight. I gave Clare a break and got Tigs fed and changed while she enjoyed a bit of time to herself and ate her meal. She would be alone with Tiger Lily until we came back from the show. When I got a fresh nappy on the baby I left her on the bed and pulled some pajamas from her suitcase. She sat up on the bed watching me and was also playing with one of her numerous tiger toys. I found her lavender pajamas I liked a lot and walked over to her. 

"How about some purple dreams tonight?" I asked her as I laid her down to get her dressed. She was being cantankerous tonight and was kicking her legs uncooperatively as I tried to get her clothes on. Roger walked in as I struggled with her.

"Hey Tigs...I'm the only one allowed to give Daddy a hard time!" My heart stopped when I heard Roger call me that. I wasn't sure he realized what he had said and I couldn't look him in the eye. It meant so much to me to be called that and I felt warmth spread through me as I considered Tiger Lily ever calling me by that name. I just smiled wide as I continued getting her dressed and he came up to assist me. He picked her up from the bed and held her out so I could slip the pants on her in one easy motion. "What's made you so rambunctious?" Roger asked her as she fussed with him. He helped me get her shirt on and he sat down on the bed and scooted up to sit with her in his lap.

"Pahhh!" she called to him. He laughed as he began playing patty cake with her. Something his mother had started with Tigs. They only did it for a short while as I put away her dirty clothes and nappy. 

"Are you ready for a story Tigs?" Roger asked her. It was a way to get her to settle down. I found one of her story books and crawled onto the bed next to Roger and he settled Tiger Lily between us where I could hold the book and we all could see it. It was a simple story about a puppy and I read the words out slowly to her. Roger pointed at the pictures as I read each line.

"The puppy loves his ball.." I told her as Roger pointed at the ball in the picture. "Can you say ball?" I asked her. She just looked at the picture and ran her hand over the image of the ball. 

"Ball!' Roger repeated to her. Tigs seemed to hear him and understand.

"Bahhhhl" Tigs told us in response. She was waiving her hand around and tried to grab the book. I pulled it away and we laughed as she started chattering at us. She was in the mood to talk so we started a conversation with her. "Bahhhh....bahhhhh....bahhhh..." she repeated for us. We started asking her to repeat her colors and showed her things in the book for her to repeat to us. I was so proud of how many words she tried to sound out. Roger was excited at our exchange with her. He was animated and energetic right now.

"Say - love you!" Roger asked her and she smiled at him; mirroring his own beautiful grin. "Love you!" he told her again. She seemed to be thinking about what he was saying. 

"Luhhhhh" she told him back. Roger beamed at her response. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. 

Roger turned to me and said it. "Love you..." he told me and leaned over and kissed me. I smiled at his example to her.

"Love you..." I told Roger and kissed him back.

"You two make me sick sometimes..." I heard Clare say in a sarcastic tone as she lingered in the doorway of the room. "Quit loving each other so much!" she harped at us with a smirk and a wink. We all laughed at her interruption. "I hate to break this up...but it's time for you to head out.." she informed us both. I looked at my watch and realized it was already six pm. Wow! 

"We've got to go baby...give Papa a kiss!" Roger said to her as he picked her up and hugged her close. They shared a peck on the lips and she giggled as he tickled her sides. Roger handed her to me as he got off the bed. I pulled her into my arms and snuggled her close; taking in the soothing fragrance of her baby shampoo and powder and something that was solely her. 

"Sweet dreams poppet...." I told her and then pulled her back and kissed her cheek. She gazed at me with her wondrous blue eyes and I leaned in and kissed her nose. "Love you.." I repeated to her. She reached for my hair but I quickly managed to avoid her grasp as I sat her down on the bed and moved to get up. Clare came over and she smiled at me as she took my place on the bed.

"Good luck tonight!" she told us as I placed a kissed on top of her head.

"Thanks Clare..." I replied as I came up and followed Roger out of the room.

\------------------------- 

"These seem awfully tight.." I told Roger as I fastened the top button above the zipper. They were my new white trousers I had got to wear with my new Zandra Rhodes black and white tunic and capelet. Freddie wanted us mostly in white for the shows this tour and insisted I get these trousers. They felt really snug in the waist and upper thigh area. They also seemed more form fitting through the crotch. Something I had never gone for with my clothes. I know Freddie loves to show off his assets to the world and has no inhibitions about it. I've never felt entirely comfortable with my lanky long body. I felt awkward and unsure as I walked over to the full length mirror to see how they looked. I stood in front and reviewed my reflection. My eyes instantly went to every tight aspect of my trousers, especially my crotch. Shit! I couldn't change as Freddie would have fits if I wore black trousers tonight. They were taking some promotional photos to use for the rest of the tour tonight and he wanted us looking perfect. He even reminded me twice to paint the white varnish on my nails again. I obeyed his orders and would wear these trousers but bit my lip and wasn't comfortable being this showy for the fans.

"Yeah...them seem a bit tighter..." Roger remarked as he walked up and looked over my reflection in the mirror. He turned me to face him and his eyes went straight to my crotch. Just like I figured. "I would say these are the best trousers you've ever worn...to be honest.." he told me as he leaned in to only let me hear his comment. "Snug in all the right places..." he whispered to me in a breathy voice.

"You know I've never been keen on wearing clothes that show any degree of bulge Rog..." I reminded him. He smiled as he leaned back and looked me over again; wearing a sultry smirk.

"It's too late to change costumes babe....I guess you're on display tonight!" he countered. He laughed as he walked by me and patted my bottom. I considered changing; despite knowing Freddie would be livid. I walked over to the wardrobe rack and started unzipping my other bag.

"Let's go gents..." Gerry came in and announced to us. It was time to head out so I couldn't change my mind or my trousers. Shit! I tugged at the thighs of my trousers to try and loosen the material in my pelvic area. It was a wasted effort. I sighed and followed Gerry out the door. 

18th Nov 1975

Bristol England

We had our first of two shows last night in Bristol. It was a fantastic show and a crazy reception followed. There were alot of people there and despite the baby being at the hotel with Clare, Roger and I attended the party. It was part of our duties for publicity to go to some of these events. We had some drinks but not too many. Roger was mindful of his drinking but we both had fun and made it back to the hotel long before Freddie and Deacy did. It was late and Roger checked on Clare and Tigs in their room when we arrived back. He closed the adjoining door and proceeded to pull me down on the bed with him. I felt a little self conscious about doing anything with them so close by but had drank enough not to let that stop me. We avoided intercourse since it is so noisy but we both enjoyed blowing each other and I ended up having to stuff a pillow in my mouth so I could finish quietly. Needless to say, I slept pretty well and woke up feeling rested and relaxed. It was nice to have a few minutes alone with Roger in bed to snuggle before we had to be somewhere.

All of us got around and went downstairs for some lunch. The newspaper review of our show was out and Freddie was reading it out loud to us all as we ate our meal. It was a pretty glowing review and we certainly seemed to impress the critic. Freddie made a point of walking over to each of us as the article made mention specific reference to us.

"Brian glides slowly about the stage with feline grace.." Freddie read off to me as he leaned into my shoulder. I smiled at the cat reference as Freddie started prancing about the room reading the next part; which was about himself.

"Squeaky would be proud...." Deacy quipped to me as we ignored Freddie's over the top rendition of the review reading. I laughed and Roger rolled his eyes as our lead singer extoled his own virtues to us all.

"Oh! Listen to this!" Freddie commanded. "Musically...the show more than matches its trappings! Freddie's voice is in amazing good shape, Brian's playing is just heavenly and the rhythm department is everything one would expect of it - and a bit more." It was a nice - real compliment to our band.

"Heavenly?" Roger asked me as with a hint of sarcasm and leaned over and pinched my arm.

"Well!" I argued back to him. "I am a good player!" I reminded him. Roger got a devilish look on his face and whispered in my ear. 

"Nope....it wasn't your playing.....it was your trousers!"


	36. Ladies and Gentleman - A Night At The Opera - Part 2

23rd November 1975

Bournemouth

Roger's POV

"Any news yet?" I asked Deacy as we both stood in line at the hotel gift shop. He shook his head.

"Nothing yet.." he replied as he looked over the candy at the counter. "Freddie is still waiting for a phone call.." he added. We were waiting to hear our latest chart position for our single. Last week we were at #9. Our album had been released a few days earlier and we're all hopeful the hit single will push the sales up. I guess we had to wait. Deacy made his purchase and I walked up to pay for my postcards. He waited on me and we walked towards the elevators together.

"How's little Robert? Ronnie?" I asked him as we rode to our floor. Deacy's lovely smile erupted as he answered.

"He's really good. Just turned four months...such a sweet boy to be honest..." he replied. I could see his love for his child in his expression. "He's so good for Ronnie...it makes me glad since I'm not there to help.." Deacy's smile thinned a little at the thought of not being home. I felt bad that his family wasn't with him. Luckily, this tour wasn't too long. At least this leg of the tour. 

"It's only a few more days Deaks...we'll be back in London and you can see them." I reminded him. He nodded and his smile widened. "You'll have to scramble like me to make sure your baby's first Christmas is special.." I added. He grinned at me with bright eyes. I had to admit that something felt different about Christmas when there was a child to celebrate with.

"I know it's not Tiger Lily's first Christmas...but it's her first with you...with Brian...that's special." he told me. It was true. I didn't even know she existed last Christmas but she was alive and well and spending it with her Mother. The only Christmas she ever would have with her and one she would never remember. I bit my lip as I considered this sad fact. It was up to me to make up for her not having both parents. Make up for missing out on her first eight months as her father and the remainder of her life that she had with only me. Without her mother. 

"I know I confided my misgivings about being a father to you during the summer...I have to say my feelings have changed. I've found a way to embrace it and I'm grateful to have her." I confessed to Deacy. He seemed pleased to hear about my change of heart. He unexpectedly reached over and hugged me. It was a nice surprise. 

"I'm glad to hear it Rog....she's a wonderful child. You do seem more content these days.." he remarked. "I know Brian is besotted with her so no worries from his end..." he commented to me. The elevator door opened and we walked out and headed down the hall.

"Yeah...Brian was pretty much smitten from day one.." I agreed. "He was never really upset about her being dropped into our lives.." Deacy nodded agreement as he reached his door.

"I'll see you in a bit..." he remarked as he went inside. I went to my room and opened the door. Brian was on the telephone and I wondered if it was with Freddie regarding our single.

"That's great news! Rog will be thrilled to hear it!" he told whoever it was on the phone. He was smiling and his eyes were shining. It was something good. "We'll see you soon then.." Brian remarked as he hung up the phone. I walked towards him and he looked up and saw me with a huge grin on his face. I wondered if we had hit number 1?

"Guess who can finally get away from Brighton for a few days?" Brian asked me. I immediately knew he had been on the phone with our hotelier friends, Trevor and Wilkie, from Brighton. It was wonderful news. We had invited them to come visit while we have our holiday break and weren't certain if they could come. I was elated to hear this and apparently so was Brian.

"So they can make it then?" I replied and Brian nodded. I smiled at him in return. "When are they coming?" Brian glanced at the notebook he had opened.

"The 19th and 20th..." he confirmed. "That's all they can manage...but it's better than nothing.." he remarked. It was wonderful to be able to offer them our guest room and a real home for them to visit.

"Well that works with the timing of my mother's visit then..." I replied. She was arriving on the 22nd for Christmas and would need our guest room. It was enough time to get it ready for her visit. Brian smiled as he got up from the chair and headed in to the bathroom. I took his seat and found a pen to fill out the postcards I had bought. Ironically, one was for my mother and the other was for Trev and Wilkie. I filled the one out for my mother and got a stamp for it. I went to start the other postcard and the phone rang. I hoped the phone wasn't loud enough to wake up Clare and Tigs. They were napping next door.

"Hello.."

"Rog...it's me...are you sitting down?" Freddie asked me with excitement in his voice. I felt a rush go through my chest. This was it! He was calling to tell me we had the number one song! 

"I'm sitting! What is it?" I asked him.

"Good! Because I am too and I'm tired of waiting for Caroline to call me with the chart update!" He was teasing me! That shit! 

"Why did you act all excited like you already knew the chart position?" I asked him with a hint of irritation in my voice. He laughed into the phone.

"I need some amusement and you're all I've got right now..." he argued to me. 

"I'm glad you thought you could use me for your own selfish pleasure.." I retorted and hung up the phone. I had to laugh. At least he was honest. 

"Was that Fred?" Brian asked as he came out of the bathroom. I smiled at him and laughed lightly.

"Yes...but it was a taunt...not any actual news..." I told him. He looked disappointed and walked over to his shoes. "He hasn't heard from Caroline yet.." I explained. I noticed Brian messing with his watch as he slipped his shoes on. He drew a frustrated look on his face.

"What's the matter?" I asked him. He frowned but looked up at me.

"My watch keeps stopping...I need to get it fixed.." he remarked to me. I smiled inside. Now here was an idea for a Christmas gift for Brian! "You ready to go?" Brian asked me as I sat and made a mental note about the gift idea. 

"Yeah...let's go..." I told him and grabbed my room key. 

\-------------------- 

After the concert

"I want to read that if you don't mind....can I borrow it on the bus?" Deacy asked Brian as we walked in to the hotel lobby after our concert. Brian was telling us about an article in a photography magazine that intrigued Deacy. He had grown keen on taking different styles of photos lately.

"Sure...remind me to give it to you.." Brian replied. We headed straight for the lift as it was late and we are all ready for some sleep. We stepped inside and Deacy pressed our floor button. I was standing at the front and saw the desk clerk come running up to the door as it started to close.

"I've got a message for Mr. Mercury!" he shouted and Deacy and I both used our hands to stop the door from closing. The man rushed up and stopped as I reached my hand out to him.

"Thanks...I'll give it to him.." I replied and the man put the slip of paper in my hand. He nodded and started walking away. I turned and handed it to Freddie as the door closed. Freddie looked curious as he opened the message and read it. We started ascending when suddenly Freddie leaned over Deacy and pressed the red button on the lift panel to make it stop. The lift shuddered and halted.

"What did you do that for?" Deacy groaned to him. Freddie drew his Cheshire cat grin and held up the message to us.

"Gentleman....we are #1!" he exclaimed. I felt every nerve in my body come alive as his words processed in my head. I turned to Brian and the look of amazement on his face was something I will never forget. I quickly glanced at Deacy and Freddie and saw them gazing into each other's eyes with complete happiness. They turned to look at Brian and me and we all shared a silent moment of understanding. Of knowing we are the biggest act in the country right now.

"Yes!" Brian suddenly shouted in absolute joy and we all threw ourselves into a large group hug; shouting and laughing. I kissed Brian and then reached over to Deacy and pressed my lips into his. He laughed and kissed me back and suddenly Brian and Freddie shared a quick peck on the lips as well. I didn't feel jealous at all. We were so elated and only the four of us could understand what this moment meant to each other. Freddie leaned over and we also had a quick kiss as did Brian and Deacy. Our hugging continued after Freddie and Deacy shared a kiss. Brian wasn't upset about it and grabbed me into a huge hug that lifted me off the floor and up into his arms. We smiled at each other and I could see tears of happiness well in Brian's eyes.

"We did it!" I told him and he nodded and smiled as his wet eyes beamed at my own. He slowly let me go and I slid down to my feet. We all let out a heavy sigh of exhaustion and Brian wiped his eyes. Between coming down from our concert and coming down from this new high, we were all tired. Deacy retained his happy smile as he turned and pressed the button to cancel the 'stop' command on the lift. Nothing happened. The smile disappeared from his face as he pressed the button again and again. We all shared a look of concern as Deacy looked over the panel to see if there was another way to get the lift going. He turned with a sour look at Freddie.

"Any bright ideas Freddie?" he asked him sharply as Freddie's own smile slipped away. He looked bashful as we all realized we were stuck. Deacy and I leaned over and began pounding on the door.

"Help!" we both started shouting. I turned and shot a dirty look at Freddie. I know his intention was good but this was not how I wanted to spend my night. Stuck in a bloody lift!

"If we die, at least we'll go out on top!" Freddie remarked in response to my callous glare. I shook my head in disbelief at his comment and turned my attention back to the door. 

"We're not going to die in the lift Fred!" Brian told him in a condescending tone. "If we don't get out soon though, I might just kill you.." Brian said with seriousness. Freddie looked at him with alarm.

"Now why would you want to kill me? I've just given us a #1! " Freddie argued to him with a pleading manner. Brian grabbed his crotch.

"Because I've got to pee!" 

\------------------- 

The next morning

"We did get rescued a few minutes later so Brian didn't kill him..." I told Clare as we all sat on the bed in the hotel room eating room service breakfast. Brian and I had shared the whole story with her once we all woke up. She was thrilled at our news and congratulated us both with kisses on the cheeks. We were all in great spirits this late morning. I took the last drink of my tea to wash down my food as Brian fed some fruit to Tigs. He had laid a towel over her as she ate the pieces of melon from Brian's plate. She had developed a love of all fruit and her and Brian often shared a snack together. Today he was sharing his breakfast with her. I picked up a piece of bacon from my plate and leaned over to give a small piece to Tigs. Brian saw what I was doing and yanked the piece of bacon out of my hand.

"Don't feed her that!" he snapped at me and tossed the bacon back on to my plate. I felt the heat of anger in my face as I picked the bacon back up.

"Don't you tell me what I can feed my child!" I told him sharply. Brian looked cross and handed Tigs another piece of melon.

"You really think her eating that is a good idea?" he asked me with judgement soaked into his words. I didn't want him telling me that I couldn't feed my daughter meat. She is my daughter and it's my choice.

"I think I get to choose what she is going to eat Brian! She's my daughter! I'll decide what she eats!" I snapped back at him. Brian looked hurt and gently lifted himself off the bed and walked in to the bathroom and closed the door. I huffed in irritation and dropped the bacon on my plate.

"Rog....you hurt his feelings..." Clare told me quietly. I didn't need her to point out the obvious but this was my call as her father. My decision!

"Clare....she is my daughter....and she will eat meat..." I replied firmly. Clare rolled her eyes at me.

"I think he was talking specifically about you offering her bacon Rog...not meat in general.." Clare pointed out. "Brian already told me he knew you would want her to have meat....he understands that.." Clare informed me. It occurred to me that Brian and I had never talked about this, but apparently he had talked to Clare. I felt left out of something important and it stung a bit. I picked up my tray and sat it on the table and walked over to the bathroom door. I heard the shower start up as soon as I knocked so I knew he was trying to avoid me. I looked over at Clare as she was gathering up the dishes. I saw Tigs still working on a piece of melon and peering up at me with what looked like annoyance. It felt like everyone was mad at me and I wanted a cigarette. I grabbed my pack and lighter and my room key.

"Going for a smoke.." I mumbled as I headed out the door. I needed some space from them. I walked down the hallway to a window looking out over the street down below as I lit my cigarette and took the first puff. It felt good and I exhaled the smoke and my frustration deeply. I hated that they were all mad at me. I didn't mean to hurt Brian's feelings but he didn't talk to me about what he thought about Tiger Lily's diet. He talked to Clare instead. I know she takes care of her most but I am her father. The final choices are mine. I felt a tinge of cold air coming through the seams of the window and shivered at little. I only had on a t shirt and jeans and socks. I hadn't bothered with my shoes. I hurriedly smoke my cigarette to get back to some warmth. I hoped the mood was warmer in the room as I smashed out my cigarette in the hallway receptacle and made my way back. 

I opened the door and found Clare had cleaned up and taken Tiger Lily in to their room. The connecting inside door was open so I walked over and leaned in the doorway. Clare was getting Tigs out of her pajamas. 

"She needs a bath..." she remarked as she lifted her up to take her to the bathroom in their room. 

"Need some help?" I asked her. She smiled and shook her head.

"I think you have something more important to attend to..." she told me softly as she glanced back towards my room as she walked by. I sighed and nodded. I walked back in to my room and went to the bathroom door. I could hear the shower was turned off.

"Brian?" I asked at the door and gently knocked. He didn't answer. For some reason it bothered me that he was so quiet. I turned the knob and found he had locked the door. I had a sense of deja vu. That same anxious feeling I had when we were at Rockfield farm and he had locked himself in the bath. I jiggled the door knob. "Brian....I'm sorry babe....please let me in...." I told him with a growing sense of dread. A dread I didn't understand, but felt none the less. My heart started pounding and I went to knock on the door again with the idea of forcing it open like last time. Before I finished knocking I heard the lock click. Brian opened the door.

"I was just getting ready..." he told me flatly as he let me inside the room. He wouldn't look at me and picked up his toothbrush from the counter. I looked over and saw the safety razor and a chill ran down my spine. The razor blade was sitting separate from the razor itself. Brian ignored me as he got toothpaste on his toothbrush and began brushing his teeth. I walked over and turned on the shower for myself and tried to shake off the feeling that he was doing something and hiding it from me. What he might be doing or thinking about doing was something I didn't want to register. I turned off the shower and walked over to him and put my hand on his back.

"I'm sorry about earlier..." I told him sincerely. I swallowed hard as I glanced at the razor blade. "I know you only want what's best for her and Clare told me you had already said you are okay with her eating meat....I...I just didn't know babe..." I told him in a careful tone. I tried to sound calm and as contrite as I really felt about hurting his feelings. Brian stopped brushing his teeth and spit at the sink. He bent down to rinse his mouth. "I guess it's a bad idea to give a baby bacon...yeah?" I said to him passively. Brian finished at the sink and then turned to me.

"You know Rog....it upset me that you wanted to give her something to eat that she probably can't digest very well..." he told me in a sad voice. He looked tearfully at me and wiped at his eyes; which I now noticed were wet. "What really hurts is that you seem to love to remind me that she is your child every chance you get..." he snapped at me with pain in his voice and tossed the towel he had in his hand on the counter and walked out of the bathroom. I went to go after him as I felt awful about what I had said to him.

"Brian!" I called after him but he wouldn't turn to look at me. I watched him pull some trousers on and zip them up hurriedly. He grabbed a shirt and ignored me as I said his name again.

"Brian! Look...I'm sorry.....can we talk about it?" I asked him pleadingly. He sniffed a bit and turned to face me with the saddest look in his eyes. It hurt me inside to see him this way.

"You need to get ready...we've got a bus ride ahead of us.." he told me as he grabbed his room key and walked out the door.

It was odd and a bit off putting, but Brian seemed to ignore what happened between us earlier today and returned to our room as I got dressed. He didn't smile and wouldn't talk to me about it. He just mumbled something about us getting downstairs. Clare came back in with a washed and dressed baby and we all quickly worked to get our belongings together so we could get to the bus. A porter arrived at our hotel room and we loaded our things up. Brian grabbed his day bag and I took mine as Clare picked up the baby bag and we all looked at each other. 

"Bri...get Tigs so we can go..." I said to him casually and gestured for him to carry her. He looked hesitant.

"There might be press outside..." he told me as he started to walk off and implying I should carry her. I walked up to him and grabbed his arm. 

"I don't care....take her....she's your baby too.." I replied with a warm smile. I walked over and picked up Tigs and held her to me as I approached Brian. "You want Daddy to carry you baby girl?" I asked her as I looked at Brian. Brian's face shifted dramatically and he looked pained for a moment.

"Don't call me that..." he told me and bit his lip. I had to think about what I said and realized I had called him Daddy. I didn't realize I had said it and smiled. I guess he is her Daddy. If anyone had earned that title, it was him. I gestured to him. Clare was watching me and had a soft expression. She knew what I was up to. 

"You are her Daddy, aren't you?" I asked him. He seemed conflicted for a moment and then looked at me with frustration.

"You are her father....remember? I'm just Brimi..." he said with a hint of harshness. I know he was throwing what I said to him earlier today back in my face. I probably deserved it. I kept smiling at him.

"I'm just her Papa!" I reminded him with a warm grin and looked at Tigs. "You want Daddy to carry you?" I asked Tigs again. She looked at me and smiled back. I gestured to Brian to take her. He gave in; unable to resist her as she reached out towards him. He opened his arms up as I handed her over. He ignored me and smiled directly at her and started walking down the hallway. He pressed her close and ran his hand through her hair; just like he does with me.

"Ready for a bus ride poppet?" he said to her tenderly as we headed into the lift. Clare tugged my arm and smiled at me. We exchanged a knowing look and rode downstairs with a happier mood settling over us all.

\-------------------   
26th November 1975

Manchester England

"We'd now like to do a number from our new album...which was just released days ago..." Freddie told the audience as he posed suggestively while holding his microphone with one hand and his soon to be infamous broken microphone stand in the other. "It's called Sweet.." he started to tell them and stopped. I noticed his posture change and he suddenly moved one of his hands to his hips in a bold stance.

"What did you say?" I heard him ask someone in the microphone. His tone came across as accusatory and I wondered what was going on. I felt inclined to get off my drum stool and see what was taking place in the first few rows of seats. Freddie suddenly turned and looked up at one of the light operators working above us. He gestured towards the front row at the operator.

"Get your light right over there!" he instructed the light man. The man obliged and turned his barrel shaped light out towards the front row of seats. He stopped it once it lit up the faces down in the front. I stood up and leaned forward to see more. I noticed Brian walking towards me with a heated look on his face. I was really anxious about what happened now. It took a lot to fluster Brian on stage. I suddenly heard Freddie talking in the microphone and notice he had walked to the edge of the stage and was pointing down at someone. "You! Say that again....to my face!" Freddie shouted into the microphone. Brian reached me and leaned in. I pushed my microphone away so it wouldn't pick his voice up.

"Someone shouted at Fred.....called him something bad.." Brian told me and then quickly walked back to his usual position on the stage. Freddie had remained standing in an aggressive pose as he glared at the person down in the seats. He seemed to tire of waiting for a response and turned to me and winked. He did the same towards Deacy and then Brian and then turned back to the audience. I felt like he was okay then and sighed as I sat back down and dragged my microphone back in place. I clenched my sticks waiting for him to resume his introduction.

"Here is a new number.....My.. Sweet.. Lady!" Freddie announced and signaled to Brian to start his guitar part. I listened for my starting point and began playing; wondering what in the world the fan had shouted that made Freddie stop the show.

\------------------------ 

I took my final bow and patted Freddie's back as we both started moving to head off stage. We reached the corridor and Ratty handed Freddie his robe as I took one from Crystal. We slipped them on and started the walk to the dressing room. I noticed Brian and Deacy had stopped and were talking to someone as they put their robes on. We kept walking. We were both quiet as we walked and smiled lightly at the well wishers we encountered until we reached the main dressing room. Freddie got inside and walked over and grabbed a glass from the table and poured himself a drink of vodka. He downed it in one attempt and watched Brian and Deacy trail into the room. Freddie began pouring another drink for himself as he picked up a towel to dab the sweat of his face.

"So I have to know...what was the business with the spotlight? Before Sweet Lady?" I asked Freddie as he began drinking his second vodka. He looked into his glass and emptied it before he looked at me. He raised his eyebrows and almost seemed amused; but not quite.

"That man called me a fucking poof!" Freddie revealed with a sense of disbelief as he picked up the vodka bottle and pondered another drink. I felt a chill go through me as I processed what he said. Brian and I instantly shared a look of dismay as we absorbed what he said.

"Fred....I'm sorry..." Brian told him quietly and with deep sincerity. Brian now looked sad and Deacy had an expression of discomfort as I walked towards Freddie. Feeling anger rise up in my chest at what that fucking bastard had said to him. Freddie smiled at me warmly as I reached over and hugged him.

"Roger dear....I'm fine!" he told me as I pulled him close. He accepted my hug but then pushed me away. "Really...save your rage darling........it's quite alright.." he insisted so I let him go. I would try to let it go. I hated that someone did this to him. My friend! He poured another vodka as I watched and he handed it to me. He smiled as he picked up the bottle and held it up.

"To fucking poofs!" he announced to me and we clinked his bottle and my glass together as we both smiled and took a drink. "Long may we reign!" Freddie added with a light hearted chuckle. I tried to find the humor that he did but could only smile. Freddie caught this and smiled deeply at me. "Oh Rog! Lighten up! Don't you get it?" he told me as he sat down and crossed his legs; his robe slipping away to reveal his bare thigh and calves and a hint of the white shorts he was wearing. I didn't get it and couldn't understand why he was being so cavalier about this.

"I don't get it Fred...." I finally confessed and he practically beamed at me.

"It doesn't matter Rog..." he replied and glanced at the others. They had similar expressions to my own. They didn't get it either. He gave them both sympathetic looks. "It doesn't matter... because despite what one person shouted at our show.... What one bastards feelings are about who I am; who we are...he still paid to buy a ticket to our show! They all did!" he reminded us. "He probably bought our # 1 single and will probably pick up our new album tomorrow at his local shop!" Freddie mused to us. His smile was wide and he didn't try to hide it as he looked at us all with triumph in his face. "And he probably already has a fucking poster of us hanging on his wall!" he added with glee as he looked at us. "You see boys....we are top of the charts..we get the last laugh....all the way to the bank!"

I finally understood his point. Despite what this prick thought; he still came to our show and probably owned all our records. Spent his hard earned money on us. Actually liked our music and who we are. All the fans did. Maybe this guy was a poof himself who can't deal with his feelings and had to act out when faced with Freddie's unapologetic self at our show. It was one guy anyway and there wasn't any fallout from his remark with the audience from what we could tell.

"To fucking poofs!" I raised my glass to him with an open mouthed smile and he laughed as he rolled his head back. I looked over and saw the demeanor change with Brian and Deacy and they were smiling as well. Freddie stood up from his chair and set his bottle down and sighed.

"Now let's get dressed and get the fuck out of here!"


	37. Ladies and Gentleman - A Night At The Opera - Part 3

17th December 1975

Bus en route from Glasgow UK to London

Brian's POV

I haven't been sleeping as well and I've had to focus so much energy on our show and the baby that I welcomed a nap on the bus ride home from our UK tour back to London. I woke up and felt better as the gentle bumps of the road underneath me reminded me we were still on the motorway. I pulled the blanket around me and savored the warmth as I imagined how nice it would be to have some time at home before Christmas. We haven't got to spend much time in our new place. We were so focused on the new album and then touring; it barely feels like we've lived there. That would change once we arrived. We don't have any more shows until late January when we head out to North America. This will give us some real time at home. We have Christmas shopping to do and a visit from both our friends from Brighton and Roger's mother in the next few weeks. Once we are past the holidays, it would be a few quiet weeks together as our little family. I smiled to myself as I imagined lazy mornings in the sun room watching snow fall down and cuddled up in a blanket with Rog and Tigs while we listened to a radio program or watched a silly children's show on tv. We could give Clare some time off before we leave for our extended touring. We had talked about taking her and Tiger Lily to America but it's such a long trip with so much travel. We have a lot of publicity scheduled since we are trying to really push this record in the states. Also knowing how the weather was last time we visited in the winter, it didn't feel safe to expose the baby to travel in these elements. I was going to miss her terribly but it was for the best. I would miss Clare as well. She is good company. She has really worked out well as our nanny. I rolled over and closed my eyes and tried to block out the noise of the others chatting and laughing. I just wanted to stay in my own little world for a while longer. I needed the break.

As much as I tried to tell myself while laying here that being home for awhile will fix some things in my life, my inner self reminded me that my problems are bigger than needing to sleep in my own bed. I'm not sleeping well. I'm still having that fucking nightmare! I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep because I either have to try and calm myself down from the images of that dream or I'm plagued with thoughts that sometimes shake my belief in myself. Am I a good parent to Tiger Lily? Is living this life harmful to her? Are we making a mistake by taking her with us on the road? Are we making a mistake by not taking her with us to America? Am I being as attentive to Roger as I should be? As I used to be? Have I even called my parents lately? Am I jealous of Freddie's success with getting a number one song? If so, what kind of friend am I? Why can't my life with a baby seem as happy and easy as Deacy's seems to be? Why is Roger angry so often? What have I done to make him this way? Why can't he just be happy? Why can't he stop hurting me with his uneven behavior towards me? What can I do to fix him? What can I do to fix myself? Why can't my head stop thinking about all these things all the time? All at once? These thoughts always left me in a dark place and sometimes I felt drained from their toll on my psyche. Sometimes it made me think of doing something to make it stop. I hated myself for thinking this but sometimes I just couldn't help it. Help feeling like doing something would take away the pain it caused me. That is caused my head and my heart.

I sighed inside as I heard someone walking my way and pondered the idea of pretending I was still asleep. I instantly felt guilty that I was avoiding people. I rolled over to see who it was; giving in to my impulse to please others. It was Roger. I smiled at him as he came over and sat down on the bunk next to me. I was happy to see him. He was in a good mood.

"Did you get a good nap?" he asked me as he ran his hand over my side. I nodded at him. 

"Yeah...it was nice..." I answered. He gestured for me to scoot back into the bunk so I did and he climbed in and laid down next to me. He laid down in front of me with his back turned and reached around for my arm. I gave it to him as he snuggled into my chest and wrapped my arm around him. It felt warm and familiar and calming. 

"I guess we need to get focused on Christmas.." Roger reminded me as he ran his hand over mine that laid against his soft tummy. It felt really good to be alone together and have a quiet moment and talk about something exciting and positive. 

"We do....we don't have much time to shop and get the house ready..." I agreed. "Trevor and Wilkie will be in town in a few days..." I felt Roger nod as he pressed his hand into mine.

"I know we need food and some decorations for Christmas..." Roger started. "We need to buy presents for Tigs..." he told me and I felt a rush of excitement at the idea of shopping for her. Maybe getting into the holidays would brighten my mood. I imagined Rog and I out looking for gifts for her and smiled. We had enjoyed getting things for her birthday. That was a good time for us.

"I'll make a list of things we need to do and buy..." I told him feeling a bit more heartened about things. "We need to find a Christmas tree..." I added with a touch of excitement in my voice and Roger turned around to face me on the bunk. He smiled at me and leaned in to kiss me. It felt good as I kissed him back. Happy to enjoy his good mood and planning something positive together. 

"I can make another tin foil star...like the one we had last year..." Roger told me sweetly as we slowly pecked our lips together as we talked. "Though we can probably get a bigger tree.." he remarked as he seemed to be imagining Christmas in his head right now. He had a dreamy look on his face which I found endearing. 

"I think we have room for something larger..." I agreed and he laughed lightly at me. I reached up and ran my hand through his hair and his expression shifted. He looked deep into my eyes and put his own hand in my hair and gripped it.

"I know this year has had it's ups and downs..." Roger told me softly. He looked sad for a minute and seemed pensive as he paused his words. "I know at times I have been a complete shit to live with..." he confessed to me. I wasn't going to argue the fact. He has been a challenge to even like sometimes. "I'm truly sorry Bri and I want you to know that I want things to get better...for us...for me to be better..." he told me with conviction. I believed him and smiled at his promise. I nodded at him.

"I want things to get better too....for us...for our family..." I agreed. "I love you Rog...please know that...." I told him. He beamed at my words and the shine in his eyes warmed me through and through.

"I love you so much...." he told me and hugged me to him. I took his words to heart and closed my eyes as he held me in his arms. My hope for better times seemed tangible.

\------------------------ 

19th December 1975

London

The phone began to ring as I was scrubbing the pan from making my mother's banana bread recipe. I was the only adult home so I sighed and quickly grabbed a towel to dry my hands as I hurried to answer the phone.

"Hello..." I answered with a sense of distraction. I glanced at the clock and considered what time our friends were arriving today. It was only 10:15 am so I didn't get too worked up.

"Bri...it's me! Are you sitting down?" It was Freddie. Always calls at the most opportune moments. I smiled at his sense of timing. 

"Of course darling..." I countered back with whimsy; wondering if he would catch my attempt to emulate him. It seemed to go over his head. Too much enthusiasm for whatever his news is I guess. 

"I have the most exciting news!" he purred into the phone. Of course he did! He always does! I almost laughed as I actually walked over and sat down.

"Go ahead Fred..." I replied and snickered at my own little rhyme. I had to admit, his mirth was helping me keep a good mood.

"We are performing live on television on Christmas Eve!" Freddie exclaimed excitedly in the phone. I didn't believe him. I thought it was a joke. Christmas eve is less than a week away.

"No we're not!" I answered with disbelief in my voice. Freddie scoffed in the phone.

"Yes we are dear! And you better clear your calendar for it! Tickets went on sale today for the Hammersmith in London. It's John Reid's holiday showcase and he picked us for it!" he told me with conviction. "Elton was the star last year...now it's our turn!" he added. I realized he was telling the truth and immediately realized this would change our Christmas plans. We couldn't say no. It was too big of a deal. "Are you still there?" Freddie asked me since I had been silent.

"I'm here Fred! That's amazing news!" I replied; still a bit in shock. "Do we have rehearsals or anything?" I asked him still in a daze as I looked at the calendar again. Watching my free time dwindle away some more. 

"I'll fill you in on the details tonight...when I come for dinner to meet your friends.." he explained. I could only sit in utter shock as he babbled into the phone at me. "So I'll see you at 7.." he told me. I nodded and then realized I had to say something. 

"See you then..." I told him. We hung up and I walked over to the calendar and shook my head. I guess I need to get my shopping done! 

\--Later that day--

Clare checked the oven for me as I made sure the table was set for dinner. It was the first time we were having friends over to eat a meal I cooked and I was nervous. I cooked everything but the meat dish that Clare had made. I wanted to be accommodating and she kindly offered to make it to spare me having to handle the meat. I love Clare! She's a real gem. Roger had cleaned up the house and got the guest room freshened up as we waited for our friend's taxi to arrive. They refused our request to pick them up at the station but we insisted on paying for their ride to our home. I walked in to the living room and was pleased with the work Roger had done. He really made an effort and it looked nice. We wanted to buy some more furniture but didn't have the time and really wanted to get some more royalty money before we made any more large purchases. I started to walk in to the sun room to check it's few pieces of furniture but the doorbell rang. A rush of adrenaline passed through me as I walked to the front door. I opened it and found Trevor standing there with a huge smile on his face. I peered past him and saw Wilkie digging through his bag like he was going to pay for their taxi. I held up my hand to Trevor and smiled as I dashed past him and hurried over to the taxi.

"I've got this!" I told the taxi driver as Wilkie gave me a look of defeat as I pulled out my wallet. I paid the driver and turned to smile at Wilkie. "Told you we were paying for it!" I reminded him. He shrugged and laughed as he hugged me close. It felt wonderful to see his cheery face.

"Thanks for having us Brian..." he told me. I nodded and smiled.

"It's our pleasure..." I assured him as we both grabbed a suitcase. I took the one sitting at his side and we walked to the door. I saw Trevor had gone inside and I put my free arm around Wilkie as we stepped in the house. Roger was downstairs and hugging Trevor as we came in.

"Sorry about that..." I told Trevor as I hugged him. "I needed to get that taxi paid for.." I said and he chuckled at me. I dropped the suitcase and pulled him in for a tight hug. I adored this man. His charm and spirit. It was so good to see him. We parted and smiled at each other as Clare came walking in with Tiger Lily.

"Oh my! Would you look at that beautiful child!" Trevor exclaimed as he got his first look at her. He walked over slowly and gently knelt down in front of her. She was standing in front of Clare and seemed uncertain about these new people. She seemed a bit timid. "Tiger Lily! The lovely Piccaninny princess from Peter Pan!" Trevor remarked to her as he reached out his hand to her. "You may not really be Piccaninny...but you sure are a lovely little Princess..." he told her in a sweet sing song voice. She seemed taken with his speech and smiled softly. Her eyes grew wider as she watched him and reached out with her hand to his. I gestured at her to waive and she noticed me. She watched me for a second and I quietly said 'say hi' to her. She turned to Trevor and smiled again.

"Hiiii..." Tigs spoke to Trevor in her high tiny voice and he gushed. He turned to Roger and I and held his hand over his heart. "She is just enchanting!" I felt Wilkie put his arm around me and I smiled. I was really proud.

\--Later that night--

We had enjoyed a lovely dinner with Freddie joining us and were seated in the living room. Clare took Tiger Lily to bed and was enjoying some time to herself in her room. We just finished listening to our new album since Trevor and Wilkie had not heard it yet. I told them not to buy a copy as they would be in town not long after its release. We gave them an autographed copy signed by all four of us. They sat and took in both sides of the record as we watched their faces for reaction. When it finished Roger got up and turned off the record player. We had used our own copy for listening. 

"What do you think?" Freddie asked them both as he sat and grasped his glass of wine in his hand. He seemed keen on their feelings. There had been a serious discussion at dinner regarding being artists, acting, performing and music and Freddie quickly felt respect for these elders, just like we did. They took us seriously and impressed some of their own life experiences in the theatrical world into our conversation. Freddie really warmed to them both.

"It's quite a feat!" Trevor remarked after looking pensive. "Your ability to move through the genres is marvelous. I have to say I never thought I would hear something as diverse as your record coming from a group of rock musicians. Of course...I have to admit my favorites are your more theatrical fare.." he confessed to us. Freddie and Trevor shared a warm smile and Trevor continued. "But I must commend you on your song Brian....'The Prophet Song'.." he told me as he glanced at the album sleeve in his lap. He smiled at me. "It's so dramatic, so evocative..." he told me. He glanced at Freddie. "Your vocal prowess is remarkable young man...you have a true gift!" I was thrilled he seemed to like our record and beamed at him as he looked over the album sleeve again. 

"You all are great talents..." Wilkie chimed in. "Maybe the modern story telling medium will be music..." he observed as he leaned over to look at our album sleeve with Trevor. They were sharing a couch as we visited. "Freddie...Bohemian Rhapsody is just so much fun!" Wilkie commented to him. "The operatic element reminds me of some work I did in my early years with a Gilbert and Sullivan production....just enchanting.." he told him. Freddie beamed at them both and then glanced at me; quite pleased as he sipped his wine.

"Roger...you have to tell me how you manage those notes!" Trevor asked Roger with complete regard. "I envy your range...my own vocal skills are lacking...I never did cut it in music theater really...mostly took roles where the words were a bit sing song and not really projected.." he remarked to him. "I have to say if any of you ever need work in the future besides rock and roll, you might find you have a real shot at musical theater!" Trevor complimented us and I blushed a bit as he gushed over our work. 

"Thanks Trevor....your opinion means a lot..." Roger answered him. "Though I have to admit the idea of musical theater makes me want to jump off a cliff.." he revealed with a hint of humor to take the edge off. Freddie scoffed at Roger but I laughed; knowing his disdain for it. Trevor understood and chuckled at him.

"How about you stick to your drums then...." Trevor replied with great mirth. "We'll just steal Freddie off of you..." he added with a quick glance at Freddie. Freddie raised his wine glass to him.

"Cheers darling!"

\----------------------- 

We all went to bed at a reasonable hour so we could make the most of our full day tomorrow. I slept peacefully for a change and got up early to start some coffee and breakfast for everyone. Clare soon came downstairs with Tiger Lily and I got her something to eat as Clare enjoyed a morning cup to start her day. Before we could even have a conversation, Trevor joined us. He was already up and dressed for the day. He wore a lovely cardigan with his initials on one side and his clothes were crisp and looked freshly pressed. His grooming was no different. He always looked ready for a show. It kind of reminded me of Freddie. They did seem to have these things in common.

"Good morning all..." he remarked as he walked over and took a cup from the counter as I offered it to him. He added cream and sugar to it as he took a seat at the table.

"Morning Trev...want some breakfast?" I asked him as he tasted his coffee. He smiled at me.

"Something light if you have it...I've never had been one for a large meal in the morning.." he advised me. 

"Would you like some toast or some banana bread?" I asked him. 

"The banana bread sounds wonderful!" he replied. I pulled it out and grabbed a plate and knife. Clare helped Tigs with her food as I carried the plate to Trevor. He took it and sampled the bread.

"Really nice...did you make this Clare?" he asked her. She smirked and pointed at me.

"Bri's the baker in the house..." she revealed to him. "His mum taught him..." Trevor raised his eyebrows at me.

"Is there anything you can't do Brian?" he asked me as both a compliment and a jab at teasing me. I laughed a little.

"Well...I'm crap at dancing...so there you have it..." I replied. We all laughed as Wilkie came in to join us. 

"Good morning early birds!" he chatted as he took a cup from me and sat down by Trevor. "Morning luv..." he told him softly and they shared a quick kiss. I had never seen them kiss before and found it really sweet. Clare seemed equally charmed as she pulled Tigs from her high chair to go get her changed for the day. She walked up to me with Tigs in her arms and whispered to me.

"They are so sweet...." she remarked. I leaned over and kissed Tigs on the forehead. I also kissed Clare on the top of her head. She means so much to me. To our family.

"You're sweet too...thanks for all your help.." I told her and she smiled as she walked off with the baby. I got some breakfast started for Wilkie as they looked over the morning newspaper. We started chatting about current events and Roger finally appeared from upstairs. He was late to join us but was showered and dressed. He smiled his gorgeous smile at us all.

"Morning!" he announced as he walked right up to me in the kitchen. He kissed me gently and grabbed a cup from the cupboard. He winked at me as he made his way to the table. 

"I hope you both slept well..." he commented to our guests. Roger took a seat and smiled up at me as I watched over Wilkie's eggs and threw some bacon in the skillet for Rog. For once, not feeling icky about making it for people I love.

\-------------------

"You almost have it!" I told Roger as he shifted the tree around in the stand again to get it straight. He moved it a little more and it seemed perfect. "That's it!" I told him. He stopped and let go of the tree and walked over to join me. He surveyed it and nodded to me.

"Yeah...that's it.." he remarked and clapped his hands in triumph. "Let's get this tree decorated!" he announced to us all. I looked at the table and found the string of lights laid out neatly and picked it up so we could get it strung on first. Roger and I worked together to get the lights wrapped around the tree and then the others joined us to start adding ornaments and some tinsel garland. It was looking really nice and I felt real excitement about Christmas; watching as these types of moments made it special. I quit the decorating when Tiger Lily got antsy in her play pen. I walked over and lifted her out and we found an ornament I thought she could manage. It didn't have a wire hook but was one you just laid on a branch. We walked over to the tree and found a spot for it.

"Hang on!" I heard Roger say and he dropped the ornament in his hand and rushed over to the shelf and grabbed the camera. I was thrilled he thought to get some pictures. I waited until he was ready and resumed helping Tigs lay the ornament down on the branch. We got it in place as I slowly backed away from the tree as Roger took some pictures.

"You did it!" I told her as we looked at her first decoration. She squealed in delight and Roger laughed as he got some more shots of us. "You take her and give me the camera!" I told Roger. He walked over and we exchanged our precious items. I checked the lens and shutter speed and started walking about and getting some candid shots of the decorating. Everyone was in good spirits as we all managed a picture of some kind with Tiger Lily. She was certainly the star of the shoot. Much more than our tree. We finished everything but the tree top and Roger disappeared in to the kitchen for several minutes as Clare and I cleaned up the mess while Trevor and Wilkie tended the baby. Wilkie had her in his lap and was in heaven as she babbled on at him about nothing. Roger came back holding his hand made star and I grabbed the camera to capture the moment. He smiled at me as he went to the tree. He tried to reach up to get it on the top but this tree was tall and just out of his reach. He looked frustrated and Clare walked over to me and took the camera.

"Help him out..." she told me and I nodded and walked over to Roger. He smiled as he saw me approach. 

"Need a hand?" I asked him as he laughed at me. 

"No! I need your long ass legs..." he replied and I laughed as I reached out to him and he let me pick him up as he perched the star in my hair. I tried to keep still as I held him under his thighs and bottom. He reached up and over me as I stood by the tree. He plucked the star from my hair and managed to get it sat on the tree top. I felt a little shaky as I set him back down on the ground.

"Bravo!" Trevor yelled as we all looked at the tree. It was beautiful. I put my arm around Roger and we kissed as we celebrated our successful decorating job. We got some more pictures and Wilkie took the camera and had Roger and I sit down by the tree together for a couple's photo. It was a nice gesture and I was thrilled to have something almost formal of us together. The only photos we had that were posed were the rushed wedding photos taken by Mick Rock. We kept them tucked away in a folder upstairs. Hidden from an unwelcoming world. This photo by the tree could be mistaken for two best friends. Of course, he is my best friend. But he is so much more. I smiled as we posed and we both beamed as Tiger Lily was added to our grouping. I realized this might be the first time we thought to have our photo as a family taken together. It felt wonderful. We also got a few with Clare and then one of her and Tigs together. Aunt and niece as well as baby and nanny. A remarkable relationship. We tried to get a picture of Roger and Clare together but they quickly turned into the brother and sister they truly are and a tickle fight ensued. It was a beautiful memory made on a cold afternoon. 

We took our guests out for a nice dinner at our favorite Italian restaurant...Clare stayed home with the baby and we enjoyed a quiet evening listening to some great stories of Christmases past for Trevor and Wilkie. I marveled at the number of years they had been together and hoped the same for Roger and I. They had met during the war, just like my parents, but were several years younger. They celebrated 31 years together this past summer. They reminisced and we listened. I could tell their feelings for each other were just as strong now as they were when they met. 

"Of course...the only regret we probably have is not being able to have any children..." Trevor revealed to us as our conversation became serious when discussing being together for so long. He and Wilkie shared a sad smile. Trevor then smiled at us both and patted my hand. "I hope you both know that having Tiger Lily is such a gift! Something rare and remarkable for a couple like yourselves..." he told us candidly. He looked over at Roger. "You commented to me about the circumstances in which she came in to your life...well...let go of all that dear..." he advised Roger. "There are so many people I know who would give their souls to have what you have been blessed with..." he reminded us. "Remember that when times are rough on you.." he added. I smiled and nodded as I placed my hand over Trevor's. 

"She is a gift..." I agreed and glanced at Roger. He smiled warmly at me and nodded agreement.

"Yeah...she is..."

\---------------------

Our time with our dear friends ended too quickly. We woke up the next day and got them breakfast and drove them to the train station. Roger and I took their luggage from the boot and we walked them to their track and handed over their suitcases to a porter with a large tip. The train was getting ready to leave and we hugged them both and wished them a safe journey. They boarded and we watched them head back home. We did the same and took the drive back to our sanctuary in Fulham.

"I guess we need to do some Christmas shopping.." I told Roger as we drove towards our neighborhood. "With the show we're performing on the 24th, we are running out of time.." I reminded him. He smiled and reached over and took my hand. It felt nice to be together and planning good things. 

"If you don't manage time to get me something...don't worry about it.." he told me as he drove. I wanted to laugh out loud at the idea of him not having anything to open on Christmas. He would throw an absolute fit if he was left out. I decided to play along; feeling so happy that our time at home has been warm and wonderful.

"Thanks....that really helps me out...I'll just skip over you and work on getting something for Clare then..." I remarked casually to him. Roger squeezed my hand and looked at me with a serious expression.

"Bri...." he said to me with complete conviction. "I mean it....you've really been there for me this year...when other people would have probably kicked my ass to the curb...you stuck by me..." he told me with sincerity. "You've put up with so much shit and not even flinched when we were landed with Tigs.." he smiled gratefully at me. "I can't tell you what it means to me that you stood by me through it all.." My heart thundered in my chest to hear Roger's admission of our challenges this year and his part in them. It was gratifying to know he really did recognize how difficult things had been at times. It made me feel like our future held promise. We had weathered the worst and would make our way forward together. I smiled back at him.

"You have been a challenge at times...that's true..." I admitted to him in a soft voice. "But it's moments like this that remind me how much you're worth it..." I told him honestly. "And you gave me the best gift I could never have imagined getting in my lifetime..." I reminded him. "You gave me Tiger Lily.." I said. Roger turned and smiled at me again and lifted my hand to his lips and kissed them. He dropped our hands back down and the smirked.

"So I guess me giving you a baby cancels out having to buy you anything for Christmas as well, eh?" he joked. I rolled my eyes at him and scoffed.

"I would think that you throwing bacon at me this year requires you to at least get me some socks.." I teased back. Roger laughed and patted my hand.

\-----------------------

"You know...you should consider getting some new shoes..." Roger hinted at me as we browsed the shoe department at Harrod's. I know he had grown tired of my wearing clogs almost everyday but I didn't care. I love how comfortable I found them and their ease in slipping them off when the mood struck. They were basic white and I felt they went with pretty much everything I wear so. No! Not getting rid of them. I simply smiled and followed him around watching him survey the shoes.

"You know Tigs needs some more shoes.." Roger said absentmindedly as he looked over the men's shoes. I laughed inside as he had not even gone to the children's shoes yet. He was really shopping for himself. I nudged his back. 

"We don't have time for you to shop for yourself..."I scolded. "Move it along..." I teased and we started towards the children's section. He nodded at me and began looking around at the options. They were all so cute. Basically because they were so tiny. We both were enchanted but it was frustrating that there were only about 6 styles available in her size range. Roger looked them over and found his eyes wandering towards shoes for young girls. They would be for when she is older but he looked anyway. He decided on two pairs of shoes for her after growing bored. I took them and paid for them as he looked over the clothes. We left the store with several bags of purchases and walked down the sidewalk together as we window shopped at nearby shops. There were several boutiques and a few things caught our eyes.

"Just imagine this time next year.." Roger mused as he looked at a jewelry display. "If our sales continue as they are right now....we might actually be rich!" he dreamed as we started walking again.

"Don't get ahead of yourself..." I replied. "Let's focus on finishing our shopping and get home.." Roger nodded and we quickly walked back towards where the car was parked. We crossed the street and made our way to the car park. Roger suddenly stopped and looked into the window of a shop.

"Would you look at those!" Roger exclaimed as I peered in to see what caught his eye. It was a display of sneakers. They all appeared to be from America. I know he loved all kinds of flashy athletic shoes so I watched his eye. He pointed with a huge smile on his face. "Now why don't those come in my size?" he whined to me as my eyes came upon the shoes in question. Roger looked absolutely besotted as he gazed at the shoes. "I do this all the time..." he said to me. "I find something I like but it doesn't come in my size or it's for women...." he remarked sadly. I nodded as Roger sighed and started moving away from the window. I casually stepped away from the store but made a pointed effort to look over and note the name and address of the establishment.

\----------------------

23rd December 1975 

London 

The alarm went off and I groaned. I hated having to set an alarm when we are at home and it's the holidays. But we were short on time to get prepared for our concert and for Christmas. I reached over and turned the alarm off and then rolled over to face Roger in bed.

"We have to get up.." I moaned to him. He just moaned back. I pulled the blankets off of us both to make sure we didn't fall back asleep.

"No!" Roger whined to me and tried to grab them. I pushed them down and leaned over and kissed him. 

"Come on rock star!" I goaded at him. "Time to hit the shower and wake up!" I ordered. I rolled away from him to get up but he grabbed me. I turned back to him to see his eyes closed but a smile on his face. 

"Can we shower together?" Roger asked me as he slowly opened his eyes and drew a sultry look on his face. I couldn't help but grin at his flirtation. I smiled back and tugged his arm.

"Yes...but only to save time!" I argued jokingly. I rolled away from him and climbed off the bed. Roger followed me and sat on the edge of the mattress. I turned to look at his sleepy but sexy form. He reached his arms out to me. 

"Carry me!" he demanded. I rolled my eyes but walked over to him and stood with my hands on my hips.

"Really?" I said to him with mock disdain. "What are you, ten?" I asked him with a growing smirk on my face. He was in such a playful mood despite being woke up early.

No!" he argued to me while trying to hide his grin. "I'm a rock star!" he reminded me. "Rock stars get carried to the shower!" he remarked slyly. He was so charming at times I couldn't help myself. I gestured to him and he smiled and stood up so I could pick him up. I got him in my arms and he put his arms around my neck as I lifted him. I sighed and turned to walked into the bathroom.

"I take it back! You're not a rock star!" I declared to him as he laughed at me.

"Well what am I then?" he asked me. I reached the shower stall and sat him down. He reached inside to turn the shower on. I swatted his bottom.

"You're a spoiled brat!"


	38. Ladies and Gentleman - A Night At The Opera - Part 4

24 December 1975

London

Roger's POV

It was inevitable that someone in the band get sick. But three of us at once? Come on! Maybe it was the drafty conditions we rehearsed in over the last two days in the Hammersmith. The heating was being worked on and it was pretty cold on stage as we ran through the modified setlist we decided on for the television broadcast. It was basically just an hour and had to be timed in a certain way so more than one rehearsal was needed. I wished they had let in all the fans that were loitering outside the venue to increase the heat in the auditorium. We were all thrilled with the turnout of fans that waited for us to arrive and leave at the theater as we prepared for the show. We made an effort to stop and sign some autographs for the faithful who waited in the cold to catch a glimpse of us. Quite a few of the girls had Christmas presents for Tiger Lily and baby Robert as well as each of us. We graciously took them and even opened some at their request while they watched. Most were clothes and toys. One girl had actually made a cross stitch of Tiger Lily's name with a pretty border with crowns on it. She had one for Robert as well. I thanked her profusely as Brian looked on and I handed it to him to look at as we made our way inside to rehearse. He looked it over and smiled.

"It's really well done!" he remarked to me as I took it from him. 

"I might hang it in her room.." I told him. I was truly impressed with her artwork. Brian seemed delighted and we quickly got settled in to the dressing room. We both sat down and sighed and leaned in to each other. Neither of us has felt good since last night but we are trying to ignore it. We both feel like we are coming down with something. Luckily, it has been nothing that would affect our singing. We both felt sluggish and our stomachs had been upset earlier but no sinus or breathing problems had surfaced. I closed my eyes for a moment as the activity around us increased. Freddie came in the room and tried to lay down across Brian and I on the couch.

"Shove off Fred!" I barked. "We are both probably getting sick.." I told him harshly as I weakly pushed him away. Brian just groaned at him.

"Then join the club!" he replied with a huff and moved to stand back up. "I'm feeling ill myself.." He looked around at the seating options and sighed. "Where is a fainting couch when you need one?" he posed to us all as he ran his hand over his forehead in a dramatic fashion. If I had felt better I would had laughed at the image of him laid out on a Victorian chaise.

"I'll get right on that Freddie!" Ratty said sarcastically to our lead singer and this time I did laugh at bit. I liked Ratty a lot. He was a good match for Freddie and would sass him back at any given opportunity. 

"You do that Ratty! I definitely might be in need after the show!" he replied curtly to him. Ratty just laughed as he grabbed Freddie's robe and brought it to him. Freddie accepted it with a small grin. "Thanks!" he replied and took a seat as he folded the robe around him. Deacy came in to the room all smiles and full of energy. He looked at us all and his grin slumped.

"What's wrong with you lot?" he asked us. "Aren't you excited about tonight?" he said as he piled the gifts for himself and his family on a table and found himself a seat. 

"I'm afraid we've all come down with the plague dear..." Freddie dramatized to him. "I see so far you've been spared.." Freddie remarked to him. I rolled my eyes at Freddie's choice of description of our illness.

"I think a mild stomach virus covers it for Brian and myself..." I told Deacy to correct the facts of the situation. Deacy looked sympathetic.

"You think you'll be alright for tonight?" he asked us with concern. I smiled lightly and nodded.

"You feeling good?" Brian asked Deacy. He smiled at us with his sweet grin.

"I'm fine!" he assured us. "Sorry you're all feeling lousy...Freddie...you okay to perform?" Deacy asked him. Ratty had brought over a glass of Freddie's throat concoction and Freddie took it with a grand smile. 

"The show will go on!" Freddie replied and raised his glass of throat potion to us all.

\--------------------

Bob Harris, the host of the television program that was airing our concert, was our emcee for the night. We had appeared on the Old Grey Whistle Test before and found we liked the host. He was a soft spoken and intelligent man. He had a massive respect for music and the artists and his show was preferable to Top of The Pops in my book. I kind of wished we could have debuted the film clip we made for Bohemian Rhapsody on his show instead. We all watched from the side of the stage as Bob stood at Deacy's microphone to introduce us as they began airing our show. We all loved his choice of attire. He was decked out in a cream colored tuxedo and wore a top hat and gloves. Total class! I did get my familiar rush of adrenaline as the show began and knew it would get me through the show tonight. I didn't really feel much better but would not let it dampen my excitement to perform live on television and have the coveted spot of being the featured artist on the holiday program. We all shared excited glances as Bob made his speech and I leaned in to Brian for a moment and then made my way to my kit. Crystal was crouched down at the side and I readied myself as he watched. We made sure everything was good as Brian began the guitar riff for 'Now I'm Here!' Freddie began his part and I followed him in ; playing in the pitch black. We reached our climactic moment as the flash pots erupted with fire and smoke and we began our assault on live television. I completely forgot feeling ill as the energy of the crowd and the sheer joy of performing took me over.

We got through the first number and steam rolled into Ogre Battle. After we finished Freddie walked over to his piano and grabbed a glass of champagne that Ratty had poured for him. He took it in his hand and held his microphone in the other as he sauntered towards the front of the stage. I watched with amusement as he raised the glass to the audience.

"Thank you very much! Okay...right now Queen would like to drink a special Christmas toast to everybody here and all the viewers!" he was his most charming self as he raised his glass higher. "So cheers!" he exclaimed as he took a sip in their honor. He laughed gently and turned to look at me with a smile. "Okay darlings...this is a delicate little number called White Queen.." he announced and took a delicate bow. His command of the stage and our show was perfect. You never would have guessed he was feeling crummy and had been a bit grumpy before we went on. Nothing was stopping him tonight. I felt proud to be a part of this incredible group. We really shined and it was truly our moment. 'White Queen' was easier for me to play so I settled back and enjoyed watching my friends perform this song that meant so much to me. Brian played such tender notes and Freddie's nuanced delivery of the words always touched me. Deacy's understated contribution always made this song feel special in concert. I felt a rush of warmth go through me as we made the most of our shot at grabbing the country's interest and talking firm hold of it.

Due to the short nature of this concert it went by quickly. Freddie's voice remained stellar through the entire show. I loved his passionate delivery of 'The Lap of The Gods Revisited' as we ended our main set. It just didn't get better than this. Or maybe it did. We were all riding high on adrenaline as we left the stage. We had an encore to deliver and were practically jumping up and down with excitement as we changed hurriedly clothes for our return to the stage. I stripped off my shirt and trousers and put on some braces to hold up my snug white jeans. I had snuck something fun with me and Crystal and I laughed as I pulled my old multi-colored clown wig from a bag and put it on my head. He helped me adjust it and I got settled at my kit to announce the encore as the others scrambled at the side of the stage. The crowd was clapping and whistling which kept the energy going. They had begun chanting 'We Want Queen!' When the spotlight was put on me the crowd roared and I loved the rush of their adoration. It was better than drugs could ever feel.

"Alright....Merry Christmas!" I spoke in my microphone. "And thanks for a fab year!" I told them all. "We're going to do some rock and roll!" I announced drolly as I started up my raucous drum intro to 'Big Spender.' Not a traditional rock and roll number; at least until we got hold of it. Brian rushed past me on the stage and the crowd went bananas as a barefoot Freddie appeared donning his glorious Japanese Kimono. He immediately began prancing about and showing off the sleeves of his Asian robe as Brian started his raunchy guitar riff that he played for this number. Deacy took his usual place on my drum riser and was donning his favorite baseball cap as our stripper number went into full gear. The crowd ate it up as we played our encore. Brian seemed over the moon tonight and I loved watching him interact with the crowd wearing a huge grin at times and then almost looking as cocky as Fred. I have to admit I found myself a little distracted from playing as he strummed his chords with exaggerated hand flourishes that raised his arms into the air. The hem of his short black velvet tunic rode up several times to reveal his beautiful lithe abdomen. This was a treat for me as Brian would normally not wear something showing so much skin. He had topped it off with this ridiculously long white scarf he had bought and it sat around his beautiful neck and shoulders. Deacy quickly loosened up and danced around a bit as he played his heavy licks on Jailhouse Rock. I couldn't get enough of watching them and the crowd as we wound up our show. The final topping on my cake was when I realized there were inflatable sex dolls being tossed around in the audience. Thanks crew! I wondered what our parents would be thinking but it was hard to contain my smile as we finished off with the song and I stood up to make my final crashes at my cymbals. I wasn't sure when the cameras were going to go off but it didn't matter as I stepped down from my riser and we all stood together to take a bow. The crowd was in hysterics as we made our way off the stage.

"What a fucking amazing night!" I shouted as we all laughed and cheered and headed backstage. I was hyper and moved about animatedly as we walked. Everyone else was amped up as well. We had our arms around each other and wore huge smiles as we arrived at our large main dressing room. Bob Harris and John Reid were there and beamed at us as we walked in. I immediately went and grabbed a large bottle of champagne that was sitting in a bucket and pulled it out. I held it up in the air.

"Merry Christmas!" I shouted and everyone cheered back as I took a big drink from the bottle. 

\-------------------- 

I woke up Christmas morning tucked in the blankets and savoring the warmth of the body nestled beside me. We had managed to get home about 1:30 in the morning and quickly went to bed so we could be up for Tiger Lily's first Christmas. A knock at our door was what woke me up. 

"Yes?" I said sleepily from the comfort of bed.

"It's me sweetheart!" I heard the voice say cheerfully. I smiled and felt Brian stir next to me. He was awake. Good! 

"Come in!" I replied and the door opened and my mother walked in carrying a tray. She had on her Christmas apron and she looked picture perfect in her red pantsuit and manicured hair and nails. She came over and sat the tray down on the nightstand and bent down and kissed my head.

"Merry Christmas..." she told me softly. I felt Brian shuffle closer and he leaned over me so my mother could kiss him good morning. She kissed his head.

"Merry Christmas Winnie.." Brian told her sweetly as my mother stood back up. She smiled down at us.

"Come down when you're ready and I'll make you a nice breakfast.." she told us as she left our room. I smiled and moved to sit up in bed as Brian did the same. I reached over and took the tray and set it in my lap as we both got settled against the headboard. I handed him a mug of hot chocolate and he smiled at me as I took my own. We clinked our glasses gently together and shared a smile.

"Merry Christmas Brimi!" 

"Merry Christmas Roggie!"

\----------------- 

We made our way downstairs fairly quickly because Brian was leaving to collect his parents. My mother fed me a full English fry up but Brian opted for toast. His stomach was still a bit queasy from our bout with a virus and drinking champagne last night. Clare had Tiger Lily dressed in blue velvet coveralls with a white mock turtleneck top underneath. She looked adorable and was in a cheerful mood. Brian left to get his parents and I took Tigs in to the living room to watch some television while my mother and Clare worked on our Christmas dinner. We watched an animated film called 'The Happy Prince' on BBC1 until Brian returned with his parents. 

When the May's arrived, I greeted them warmly and turned Tigs over to Ruth so I could help Brian and Harold get things from the car. I was handed some food dishes as Brian took a basket of presents from the back seat of the car. I noted that Harold was wearing his standard uniform of sweater vest, tie and suit jacket with his neatly pressed trousers. At least Ruth had on what appeared to be a new dress. It was a nice shade of burgundy and it really brought out her hazel eyes.

"Congratulations boys on the show last night.." Harold told us as we walked to the house door. He grinned at us both and had an expression I had never seen on his face. He almost seemed tickled.

"Thanks Mr. May.." I replied. He chuckled a bit to himself and then looked at me. 

"I have to say...that encore was quite the show topper!' Harold remarked; actually smirking now. I smiled and wondered what he was referring to. "I'm not sure what was better....the sex dolls, the striptease or your ridiculous wig.." he told me with a wink and we laughed as we stepped inside the house.

\---------------

We sat down an hour later and enjoyed a lovely dinner. Like last year, I enjoyed dishes prepared by both our Mums and ate too much. Brian was feeling a bit better and had a plate full himself. We opened up some Christmas crackers after our meal and donned paper crowns as we headed to the living room for presents. It was so different to have a child at the holidays. Watching her experience everything was better than most of the gifts I've ever received. She sampled a little bit of most of the fare we had for dinner and managed not to wear too much of it. Clare had put a large towel around her to keep her clothes clean. We skipped any sweets for now and Brian handed out the presents. We both sat on the rug with Tiger Lily to help her with her packages. She is only one year old, so there are limits as to what you can buy her. She got plenty of gifts though. There were new clothes of course. Toys and books and big wooden puzzles. Even though Brian and I had bought her some new things, her favorite seemed to be a gift from Ruth and Harold. It was a new plush Winnie the Pooh and she loved it. We finished with her presents in case she got sleepy. After that we all opened our gifts. It was an exciting moment for Brian and I because we had both got our mothers the same thing. A new washing machine. They had marveled over ours when we first moved in and Clare agreed it was the perfect gift. With the promise of a large royalty check looming, we decided to splurge and spoil the woman who have supported us so much. I will never forget the rush of watching them open their empty boxes to find a bill of sale and delivery notice for their new appliances. Brian and I almost both cried as the women hugged us and then each other and delighted in their Christmas surprise.

After our mothers opened their gifts I figured the rest would be anticlimactic. Brian was thrilled though with the new watch I bought him. It wasn't the most expensive one you can buy but was a nice medium grade time piece. I knew if I bought him something more costly he would throw a fit. He immediately tried it on and showed it off as I grabbed a gift that said it was from him and Tiger Lily. I was intrigued and tore the wrapping as he held Tigs in his lap and watched me. I turned the box over and saw the name 'Converse' on it. I knew this was the American shoe company and was happy to be getting some new sneakers of any kind. He knows how much I love them. He was beaming at me and had a huge smug grin as I lifted the lid. 

"Brian?!?!" I shouted in surprise. I couldn't believe what I was looking at.

To my amazement and sheer delight I found a pair of the exact shoes I had gushed over in a shop window a week earlier. They were high top basketball sneakers that were decorated with a dark pink lame material. I thought they were so camp and fun. I had noticed them displayed in the women's shoes and dismissed them as ever being available in my size. As a result I had walked away and not given them a second thought. But here they were. I pulled one of the shoes out of the box and found it was my size. I held it up to show everyone and Clare giggled. I could tell from the faces of our parents that they were wondering why a grown man wanted to own a pair of pink sneakers. Well! I love them! I leaned over and kissed my baby and my husband in complete joy.

"I love them!" I declared as I leaned over for the kiss. "Thank you....I can't believe you remembered these!" I said to him as he smiled and laughed at me. Tigs was giggling and babbling at my excitement. I pulled her into my arms and snuggled her. "Thank you Tigs....I love them.." I told her softly as she looked into my eyes and I melted a little.

"I've got a little surprise..." Brian announced as I held my daughter in my lap and she grabbed the shoe strings on my sneakers to play with. He got up and walked over to the hall closet and came back with a small square box. He sat down and handed it to me. "Open it..." he said. I tore the paper off wondering what he had done and laughed out loud when I saw they were an identical pair of my shoes but were in Tiger Lily's size.

"Awww Brimi!" I told him sweetly. "They're perfect!" I pulled them out and held them up for everyone to see and Clare cooed at the sight of them.

"Oh! They are so cute!" Clare announced and got up from her seat to come and look at them. She sat down next to me and looked them over. I worked on getting the shoe strings away from Tigs as Brian opened up some socks I had bought him as a joke.

"I guess I have to forgive you for the bacon..." Brian remarked to me as he looked over the striped socks.

"So we're even then?" I asked him jokingly. He shook his head but smiled. 

"Never!" he laughed. He leaned in to my side and whispered to me. "You owe me something better for the plate you threw at me." I laughed and winked at him. 

"There's always tomorrow..." I told him like it was a promise. It was the anniversary of the day we got together. A day I have never regretted.


	39. Save Me - Part 1

28 December 1975

London

Brian's POV

It's like the spell was broken. I don't know how else to put it. With the holidays and Roger and I's anniversary behind us, the world felt a little flat. New Year's Eve was still approaching but I didn't seem to be in the spirit of going out to celebrate. I would go anyway. I didn't want to disappoint Roger. He has been so amazing since we came home from touring. We haven't fought at all and his drinking and temper have both been in check. I couldn't ask for more from him right now. I hoped that despite my own mood shifting back to a darker place, Roger and I would remain where we are.

I never told Roger about my dream returning. He had only asked me about it that one time in Rockfield. I had lied to him but it was only because I truly felt writing that song would help make it go away. But it didn't. I always remember Roger's observation on why he thinks I have this dream. I try to use this to dispel the anguish it gives me when I wake up from it. Roger told me I have the dream because I am feeling insecure. That I am doubting myself or doubting us. There is probably some truth in that. I try to think objectively about it but too often I just feel weighed down from the intense emotions it stirs in me. The helplessness I feel when Tiger Lily is pulled from my arms and I struggle to save her as the water washes her away from my grasp. I hate that my dream mostly shows Roger being a passive observer; who does nothing to help me or to save his daughter. Our daughter. I can't help but feel a little angry that he doesn't do anything. He just stands at the end of the bridge and watches it all with no emotion. I know it's just a dream but it almost hurts me to see this reflection of him. I need to learn to just let this go. It's hard.

\------------------------

"You got everything?" I asked Roger as he zipped his bag up and pulled it off the bed. I held Tiger Lily in my arms as I watched him get ready. I clung tight to her and smelled her hair and skin. It was comforting.

"I think so....you sure you'll be okay here on your own?" he asked me. I nodded and smiled to assure him as I followed him down the stairs. He left his suitcase by the door and went in to the kitchen to grab some extra packets of cigarettes from the cupboard. He slipped them in his day bag and put his coat on. He reached up and kissed me before we walked outside to the car. Clare and Winnie were already inside and the car was warming up. I hesitantly put Tiger Lily into her car seat and I walked over and leaned down at the driver door as Roger got in the car to leave. I felt a weight form in the pit of my stomach. I will miss them.

"The repairman should be here soon...I'll call you later to let you know how it went.." I told Roger as I waived to Winnie and Clare. I saw Tigs waive back to me and smiled. Her joyful demeanor always warmed me up. "Have a safe trip.." I told them. We all said goodbye and they took off for Truro. Roger was driving them back there for a short visit with his family. He had some relatives visiting for a few days and he was going to be there when his mother's new clothes washer was installed. I was supposed to go but our heater began acting up and there is bad weather forecasted for the end of the week. I had called first thing this morning and a repairman was coming in the next few hours. So I stayed in London. It wasn't what we wanted, but we needed it repaired. I was the obvious choice to stay and handle it.

Part of me was kind of grateful for a break from being social and having to put on a happy face. Between my lack of real sleep and so much going on at once, I was ready for a little down time from the world. Having to go and meet a bunch of people in Roger's family and having to play the pretend game as Clare's boyfriend sounded exhausting. His family doesn't know about us so it would be required to put on our public persona. None of us were thrilled at the prospect. Maybe the broken furnace a was blessing in disguise. I went inside and made some toast while I waited for the repairman. He arrived as I finished eating and I showed him where our furnace was located. It took him about two hours and he had everything in working order. The cost wasn't too bad and I wrote him a check before he left. With that problem solved I decided to try and take a nap. I felt tired and I need to be rested and ready when we resume our tour. I went up to my room and tried to lay down for a while but ended up staring at the ceiling. The house is too quiet. I gave up and headed back downstairs to work on something I had been neglecting for some time. Something I hoped would keep my thoughts focused on happier things.

I had found all the loose pictures in the different locations of the house and brought them to the kitchen table. I got seated with a cup of tea and sorted through them all.

It was a wonderful trip down memory lane and I found myself getting lost in recalling all the years past. I was thrilled to run across some photos from the early days when Roger and Freddie and I moved into our flat together on Sinclair Road. It seemed like a different life from the one I'm leading now. I could have never envisioned still being with Roger and being married to each other. It was just a few months in to our relationship when we moved to that flat. Yet here we are, still playing music together and raising a child. It felt like a surreal dream. Some of the pictures included old friends that I haven't seen in ages. A few had our old flat mates Eric, Susan and Mandy. We had lost track of each other. I wonder what they were all doing these days. One photo was taken of my friend Tom and I at a party I couldn't remember. I frowned as I tried to recall the last time I had seen Tom. I had sent some postcards to him when we travelled but had not seen him in person in over a year. It made me sad. I felt like I had been a bad friend. I wondered if I should pick up the phone and call him. I didn't have much free time these days but now seemed like the best time to reach out. I sat the photos aside and felt a little excitement at catching up with a dear friend. I found Tom's phone number in my address book. I picked up the phone and dialed his number but was disheartened when I didn't get an answer. It is the holidays and he is probably out of town. I went back to my photos and sorted them all by date and theme. I stored them in some photograph boxes my parents had bought me for Christmas. I thought about going out to buy a few picture albums to put some of the photos in so everyone could look at them. I didn't have the energy or desire to put my shoes on. Or to be around people right now. I know there are going to be lots of pictures of Tiger Lily yet to come. Planning ahead for them would be prudent. I'll buy some albums after the new year. I checked my lovely new watch that Roger bought me and figured he should be in Truro by now. I picked up the phone to check in with him.

"Hello...." It was Clare who answered.

"Hey Clare...it's Brian...is Roger free to talk?" I asked her. I could hear a lot of commotion in the background on the phone. It sounded chaotic.

"Actually Bri...he's knee deep in a broken pipe situation.." she replied. I instantly felt bad for him and didn't want him to stop just to talk to me. I could just have him call me tomorrow. I wanted to talk to him but knew this was more important.

"I hope it's not too serious..." I told her. "Just let him know the furnace is fixed and he can call me tomorrow when he gets a chance.." I explained.

"Alright....I'll let him know...take care.." Clare responded.

"You too...goodbye.." I hung up with her. I was disappointed. I felt odd inside and realized I needed to hear his voice. For some reason I wanted him to make me laugh. To distract myself I pondered what was on the telly. I sat and stared at a comedy program halfheartedly for an hour before I turned the show off. I started feeling tired and decided to give in to it and get some extra sleep. I ate a snack and made my way to my room. This time sleep found me and I drifted off fairly quickly. 

I woke up shaking at midnight and knew instantly I had just had that dream. My pulse had quickened and my clothes felt damp. I felt like crying because I knew instinctively I would be up the rest of the night. I sighed and left my bed and pulled on Roger's robe he left behind and padded downstairs to find something to take my mind off my thoughts. 'Maybe eating something sweet would make me feel better.' I turned on the kitchen light and went and stood at the refrigerator and stared in to it. I looked at the leftovers sitting on the shelf and smiled as I remembered the last dinner we all had together. Winnie had made a chicken pie that was a favorite of Rog and Clare's. It was the first time Tigs tried it. I recalled the look on her face after the first taste. The joy of a new flavor. Another new discovery in her tiny wondrous life. I suddenly felt emotional and missed the presence of my family. I closed the refrigerator door and slumped over to the cupboard to get a glass for some water.

I wandered around until I found myself in the music room and proceeded to sit and listen to my old records. I thought it would be fun to listen to them in the order in which I recalled procuring them. It was something to focus on and pass the time. I was looking through the albums and realized that Roger's collection was all mixed in with mine. It made sense. Everything in our lives had become combined over the years. I was amused to see a few records of his I didn't really care for but there were just a few. When I came across our Beatles records my heart swelled. I found the copy of 'Let It Be' Roger had surprised me with all those years back. I put it on the turntable and started side 1.

'I dig a pygmy...by Charles Haughtry and the Deaf Aids...phase 1...in which Doris gets her oats!'

I instantly smiled hearing John Lennon's voice on vinyl and laid back on the floor and soaked in the wistfulness of 'Two of Us.' For some reason it felt like that could be our song.

I don't know when I fell asleep but woke up on the floor of the music room and felt stiff and achy from the hard surface. The record player was still on and the last album on the turntable was side 2 of Physical Graffiti. I turned the player off and sleeved the album. The room felt really quiet and empty. So did the whole house really. I got up and made my way to my bedroom. I used the toilet and was surprised when I felt a burning sensation as I urinated. I had no idea what this was about and washed up and went downstairs to get something to drink. I had a few cups of tea and made myself eat some eggs and toast. I wasn't really hungry but knew I should eat. I tried to focus on the morning newspaper but there was so much dreary news, I felt a bit down reading it. I went to the toilet after finishing my tea. I was alarmed to find the burning sensation had continued and felt a tinge of panic inside me. I can't get sick right now! We have a tour coming up soon. I checked the time and went to the phone and called Dr. Roberts' office. I had an appointment scheduled for our tour physical later this month but wondered if I should get this checked out now. I reached the receptionist and was relieved to find they could see me this morning. I went upstairs and got ready for my appointment. I found the keys to the sports car and took off towards Harley Street.

\---------------

I sat and flipped through a magazine in the waiting room until Chrissie popped her head out of the door.

"Hi Brian! Come on back.." she told me. She was wearing her white nursing uniform and cardigan sweater. She always has her hair pulled up in a tidy bun. As usual her look was accompanied by her warm smile. I was happy to see a friendly face and we hugged before I followed her to an exam room.

"Did you have a nice holiday?" she asked me as she opened to door. I stepped in and slipped my clogs off. 

"I did yeah....Roger and I both had both had our folks over at our house to celebrate with Tiger Lily..." I answered. "I hope you had a nice holiday as well.." I remarked. She smiled at me as she had me step on the scale. 

"I had a few days off and went to see my family...it was nice..." she remarked as she jotted down my weight on her chart and motioned for me sit on the table.

"So what brings you in today?" she asked me as she leaned against the wall with the chart resting against her waist.

"I've had a burning sensation when I've gone to urinate today..." I explained. "It happened more than once..." It felt odd to tell her about this kind of problem, but she is always professional. I have to remember she has given me a bath before so this isn't too much for her to hear. She nodded understanding and I was relieved she didn't make a funny face regarding the proximity of my problem.

"Have you been ill recently?" she asked and I remembered the stomach virus I had at Christmas.

"Yes..I had a stomach virus of some sort right at Christmas....a few days before to be exact.." I answered. 

"Well maybe it's to do with that..." she commented as she made a note on my chart. "Did you have a fever or other symptoms?" she asked me. I rattled off my symptoms to her and she listened and made some notes. After she took my temperature and blood pressure, she opened a drawer and pulled out a fabric gown.

"Dr. Roberts should be in soon..." she advised me. "How about we get you out of those trousers in case he needs a look.." she instructed. I nodded and took the gown as she left the room. I took my shirt and trousers off and slipped the gown on to stay warm. I was grateful for my socks as I waited. The doctor came in a few minutes later and smiled and held out his hand to me.

"Hello Brian...how are you today?" he asked me as we shook hands and he grabbed my chart.

"I'm okay...except for what I explained to Chrissie; about it burning when I urinate.." I replied. He asked me the same questions as Chrissie and some others and then decided he wanted to examine me.

"Any other complaints today before we start?" He asked me. I knew I needed to be honest with him about my health and decided to come clean about my sleep problems.

"Actually yes....I've had a lot of trouble with sleep lately...". I confessed. He looked at me with interest.

"How many hours of sleep are you getting at night?" He asked me. 

"About 3 or 4.." I told him. He seemed alarmed.

"How long has this been a problem for you?"

"To be honest...a long time...maybe a year.." I explained. "I can't seem to switch my mind off and it keeps me up.." He seemed deep in thought and made a note on the chart. After a minute, he looked up at me.

"Are you interested in trying a medication to help you stay sleep?" he asked me. I know it's critical that I be rested and ready for the tour. Three months on the road is a long haul. I nodded.

"I will give it a try..." I replied. He smiled and made some notes. 

"I'll get you a prescription to take with you....How about we have you lay back on the table and I'll take a look at your other problem.." he suggested. "I'll need you to give me a urine sample before you leave today.." he added. I nodded and turned around to lay down on the table. It was cold and made me almost shiver as I tried to relax. Dr. Roberts hovered over me and pulled my gown back. I took the band of my briefs and pulled them down so he could take a look at my penis. The air was chilly in the room and I instantly felt embarrassed. The doctor took a plastic glove from his table and slipped it on before he touched me. I turned my head to the side and stared at the wall as he examined me. It wasn't too awkward. I could feel him pressing on my tip and it felt a little tender.

"Are you feeling any discomfort or pain right now?" he asked me. 

"It's a bit tender...not really painful.." I replied.

"I'm seeing some discharge Brian and want to get a sample...it shouldn't hurt..." he told me. He reached over and grabbed a large swab from a tray and I felt him apply pressure to my tip again. I tried not to focus on it and suddenly felt him wiping gently with something soft.

"You can get your pants back on..." he advised. I reached down and pulled them up and saw him gesture to me to sit up. I returned to a seated position and wrapped the gown around me. 

"I need to run some tests but I wouldn't be too alarmed about this...okay?" he told me. He opened a drawer and pulled out a urine specimen container. He set it down on the table. I was curious if he already knew what the trouble was.

"Do you have any idea what it might be?" I asked him. He smiled slightly and patted my leg.

"I'm not sure but I need to ask you some more questions.." he informed me. I nodded as he put the glove in the trash and picked up the chart.

"You're still with Roger...is that correct?" he asked me in a neutral tone. I nodded.

"Yes..." I replied confidently.

"In your history there has been occasion for one or both of you to have other sexual partners...have either of you had any other partners in the past 6 months?" he asked me in the same neutral tone. I shook my head. This was an easy question.

"No...no other partners..." I replied. He smiled at me and made a note.

"Has Roger complained of any symptoms similar to yours or otherwise?" he asked. I couldn't recall anything. I wondered what he was getting at with these questions.

"He had the same stomach virus I had but other than that...no...nothing..." he nodded and made a note again.

"Brian....let me get the test results and I'll give you a call..." he told me. "It might just be an infection that we can easily clear up with some antibiotics..." he assured me. I smiled and felt better seeing his minimal concern and assurances about treatment. He extended his hand to me and smiled. "Go ahead and get dressed and you can use the toilet next door for your sample.." he advised me. I nodded and stood up from the table as he left the room. I got dressed and grabbed the specimen cup and went next door and managed to fill the container. It still burned. I left the container where instructed and headed to the office. Dr. Roberts was talking to Chrissie and waived me over.

"I should have the results no later than tomorrow morning....drink plenty of water for the next few days..it may still burn during that time..." he explained. He handed me a prescription for some sleeping pills. I'll give you a call and we can telephone any medications you need to the chemist.." he instructed me. I smiled and hugged Chrissie and took off. I was annoyed more than anything to have to deal with something before a tour. I was grateful that it happened while at home as it was much less awkward to be examined by my own doctor. I decided to go ahead and get the sleeping pills even though I might have to return to the chemist tomorrow. I lucked out and didn't have to wait long. The attendant called my name rather quickly.

"May!" I walked up to the counter. He handed me the paper bag with a bottle inside.

"You are getting these for sleep..is this correct?' he asked me.

"Yes..."

"Have you ever taken valium before Mr. May?" 

"No...anything I should know..." I asked him. 

"They should do the trick if you're having trouble with sleep...good luck.." he advised me. I was happy to hear this and was glad I stopped to get them now. I went home and tried to find something to fill my time. I felt restless despite being tired and busied myself with some housework. I had been home a couple of hours when the telephone rang. I was hopeful it was Roger.

"Hello.." 

"Brian May please...it's Dr. Roberts's office calling..." It was the doctor's receptionist.

"Speaking..." 

"One moment please...I'll get the doctor on the line..." she replied. The phone clicked for a moment. Did he already have my results?

"Brian?"

"Yes."

"Dr. Roberts here....look...the tests are back and it is what I believed it might be....it's not serious...but...well...you might find the results a bit embarrassing is all I can say..." he told me. I had no idea what he was on about but was glad it wasn't serious.

"Go ahead then...what is it?" I asked him. I felt him hesitate and heard a slight coughing sound.

"Brian...you've tested positive for a venereal disease...it's gonorrhea...." he told me in clear concise manner. I was completely baffled by this news.

"It must be a mistake..." I told him. Roger and I haven't been with anyone else. There is no way I could have contracted something like this.

"Brian...I had the test done twice to be sure...since you indicated you had not had any outside sexual partners I wanted to be sure....the tests results are correct. You have gonorrhea.." he clarified to me. I still couldn't process it.

"But how did I get it?" I asked him. I was confused about how this could have happened. The doctor took a moment to answer.

"Brian...I'm sorry to tell you this but I think you need to have a conversation with Roger....I'm not sure what else to say other than Roger needs to be tested for this as well...he needs to answer the same questions I asked you at your appointment today.." 

The meaning of his words finally registered and I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I wasn't sure I could speak and clenched the phone in my hand. There was silence between us both. He finally spoke to fill the void.

"Brian...I'm really sorry this happened. I've called in a prescription for you to take that will clear this right up. It's a weeks worth of pills and two weeks without sexual contact and you will be fine....do you have any questions?" he asked me with a measure of kindness in his voice that I found comforting in this moment. 

"No...thank you..." I told him quietly.

"If you do have any questions, please let me know....again Brian...I'm sorry about this..." he replied. I hung up the phone and stared at it sitting on the kitchen counter. I felt numb inside. Hollowed out. As I stood and stared at the phone a roar slowly began building in my head. I knew it was the reality of it settling in. The only way I could have contracted this was from Roger. Roger had to have had sex with someone besides me. He cheated on me!

I was physically jarred by the telephone ringing and stood there astounded at the lousy timing of another phone call. There was no way I could speak to anyone right now. I wasn't sure I could speak. My heart was hammering in my chest and I felt short of breath. But for some reason I blindly picked up the receiver. I think it's shock. I brought it to my ear and stared at the mouthpiece.

"Hello..." I sounded so flat I almost didn't recognize my own voice.

"Brian...hey babe...you alright? You sound kind of weird.."

The emotional pain that ripped through me almost made me gasp. I did the only thing I could to protect myself. I slammed the phone down on the cradle.


	40. Save Me - Part 2

29th December 1975

London

Voyeur's POV

Brian hands slipped straight into his hair as he stood in the middle of the room and tried to grasp what this meant. He kept hearing the words the doctor spoke to him and a rush of embarrassment invaded his body. He quickly recognized the doctor's attempt to try and spare him the blunt truth of the matter. 'Your husband cheated on you and gave you v.d. Brian!' All he could picture in his head was the image of Dr. Roberts telling Chrissie his test results and both of them sharing a expression of pity for him. Thinking him an idiot. A fool! Brian's fingers dug into his scalp to try and claw away the thought. The feeling. He was humiliated! Could he ever show his face in the doctor's office again?

His thoughts were invaded by the shrill tones of the telephone. It was ringing again. He knew who was calling. He wouldn't answer. He couldn't! Brian loosened his grip on his hair and rubbed his face; realizing there was tears running down his cheeks. He wasn't even aware he was crying. The phone continued its assault so Brian began walking blindly out of the room; trying to distance himself from the sound. 

The ringing sound dulled as he made way to the stairs. Getting away from it only made him think more about the events of the whole day. Everything that led to this moment. Brian remembered standing at the toilet and feeling the burning sensation that sparked this all. His stomach churned at the realization that was he infected. Dirty. Contaminated. He felt ill and grabbed the stairway railing and propelled himself quickly up the stairs to his bedroom. He ignored the sounds of the telephone emanating in the room and pulled at his shirt and trousers and left his clothes in a wake as he made his way to the bathroom. He quickly turned the water on and didn't wait for it to warm. The frigid water made him gasp but he savored its numbing effect. He accepted its assault on his body as he reached for the soap and wash cloth and lathered it heavily. Brian instantly brought the cloth to his crotch and began an aggressive campaign to rid himself of the filth. He scrubbed harshly into his skin, hair and crevices. He gave no quarter as he worked the foamy substance and thin cloth around his penis. He winced from his own efforts and only stopped when the burn of the soap in his opening became too painful. It was a pain only diminished by the emotional pain quickly replacing it. No amount of soap and water could wash away what was taking over.

He cried out as he dropped the soap and cloth onto the shower floor and leaned into the wall. His legs weakened as he began trembling all over. Brian clutched at the tiles but found it fruitless as he slowly slid down into the tub. He leaned into the wall as he sat and gave in to the anguish. Roger had cheated. He had lied and betrayed him. He had been with someone else. He had been with someone else and then come home and been with him. He had come home and kissed Brian and told him he loved him after being with someone else. After someone else had done things to him that only Brian was supposed to do. And Roger had done things to someone that only Roger was supposed to do to him. He tried not to imagine what these things were but his mind pulled him into places he didn't want to go. All he could see was Roger's beautiful face in a haze of ecstasy; but a stranger was taking him there. He shuddered and tried to clear his thoughts. But he couldn't. It was too much to bear and he began sobbing. His tears mixed with the water coming down on him from the shower. The ache in his chest was deep and he began feeling its weight with each breath. Brian wiped at his face and brushed a string of saliva and snot away into the water. He choked a bit between the sobbing and the water. A moment of panic rose in him at the thought he might drown in the cascade of water pouring down on to him. He scrambled off the floor of the tub and crawled out on to the bath rug. He was splayed on all fours breathing heavily as he tried to get a better intake of oxygen. His respirations calmed as he got more air and he slumped down on to the rug. The room was silent save for the rush of the water in the shower. Brian got on his knees and coughed a bit as he leaned over to turn the shower off. He felt heavy and sad. 

He used the rim of the tub to steady himself as he slowly got to his feet. Brian pulled a towel from the rod on the wall but made little effort to dry himself. He dropped the towel on the floor as he took the few steps over to the vanity. The mirror had not fogged over and he could see his dripping wet image returned to him.

'I look different..' he thought to himself. I'm already not the same person I was when I looked in this mirror this morning. When I had brushed my teeth and hurried from the room to get to the doctors. That person was someone else. That person didn't know their husband and lover and best friend had been fucking someone else and then coming home and doing the same with me. Coming home and pretending everything was good between them.

But was everything really good between them? Had it been? How had things been this past year? Not really that good. How many fights? How many moments of anger, tension, doubt, frustration, sadness, concern, fear? Brian sighed at the consideration. Yes, things had been bad but it seemed like the past few months had been so much better. Was it because they really were better or because Roger had found someone else?

Fear crept into Brian's mindset as he recalled how much he was gone from home trying to finish their album. Hours where he assumed Roger was at home. Taking care of their family or sleeping. Had Roger been home during all this time? Had he been seeing some else? The reality of this set in and shook Brian deeply. Did anyone else know about this person? Does Clare know? If Clare knew, would she tell him? He loves her and trusts her but had to wonder. Roger is her brother before anything else. Would she cover for him and protect her family? He wouldn't believe it. He shook his head at the thought. 

Brian stared at himself in the mirror and tried to find something to hold on to. Some tiny piece of hope. His eyes were red and swollen and his mouth dour. His eyes slipped down and looked at the necklace dangling at his throat. His hand immediately grasped the coin and clutched it tight. There lay the token of affection Roger had bestowed on him. The only public recognition of the vows they had shared. His wedding ring of sorts. His finger rubbed over the engraving. A promise from his bijou! 'My bijou!' Brian whispered sadly to himself and found the sentiment false. Meaningless right now. He clenched the coin tightly in his hand and yanked at the chain. It broke and he let it fall away into the sink. The clink of the metal was loud against the porcelain. Sounding hollow. Like the hollowness filling Brian's heart. 

Something shiny caught his eye and he glanced over to see the metal object laying flat on the vanity. He mindlessly picked it up and ran a hand over the edge of the handle. Before he could register what he was doing, he unscrewed the tiny bolt and pulled the cover off. He deftly separated the blade from its housing and dropped the handle in to the sink. Brian took the blade between his thumb and forefinger and watched the light catch the edge of it. It felt right. It felt like it could help ease the pain he was engulfed in. Just a few quick strokes and he could let himself drift away from it all. He had been in this place before. Stood with this tool in his hand and considered it. Just let everything go and remove himself from the misery that had taken over. Let the blood spill and leave a mark on this place forever telling Roger how he had broken his heart. His hand trembled with fear and with anticipation as he eyed the blade in his fingers. A roaring sound was building in his head and he slowly moved the blade towards his arm. He looked at his damp skin and eyed the best place to lay the blade as he touched the edge to his flesh. Brian bit his lip and clenched his entire body as he moved to lay weight in to his first stroke of the razor.

He was startled by the return of the telephone ringing. It rattled him. Why wouldn't he stop calling? Doesn't he know I'm not going to answer? Why does he think I even want to talk to him? To hear his voice? His words? His lies? Stop! 

Brian turned his attention back to the blade in his hand. He remained trembling and tried to focus on his task. He tried to steel himself with the image of Roger finding him in a pool of blood on the floor of the bathroom to give him courage. 'Look at what you have done Roger!' He told himself. The damage done from his deceit. The only problem was that the image he conjured had Roger walking to the doorway holding Tiger Lily in his arms. It halted any movement on Brian's part as he gasped out loud. If he did this, he was doing this to her as well. His heart clenched in his chest as he cried out. I almost did this to my baby! He told himself as he dropped the blade on to the vanity and stumbled from the bathroom into the bedroom.

Brian made his way to the bed and crumpled in to a ball on it. He wrapped his arms around his chest and shivered from the cold air and his wet skin. He finally reached out with his hands and pulled the blanket from the edge of the bed and tucked it over him; trying to get warm. But the chill inside him was more than the air. He had almost given up on his baby. He couldn't do this to her. No matter how sad he was; no matter how upset he was with Roger. He couldn't walk away from Tiger Lily. He rocked himself back and forth a little to try and calm the anxiety washing over him. The guilt of almost doing this to her. He finally stopped and took a few deep breaths. He laid in the silence and tried to still his body and mind.

He tried to think of being with the baby as a way to soothe himself. He remembered the feel of her weight in his arms. Her fresh and powdered smell and the feel of her soft skin and silky hair. Her open smile and shining eyes. But it pained him as well. They were reminders of Roger. It was a double edged sword. He knew if he wanted to stay in his baby's life he had to find a way to deal with Roger. Roger. Why did he do this? Why did he have to ruin everything?

His new reality settled in Brian's chest and made him weary. He was tired and emotionally drained. He just wanted to close his eyes and escape from the pain he felt right now. He opened his eyes and thought about the sleeping pills he had. They could help him fall asleep and forget about all this for a while. He sniffed hard and pulled himself from the bed. He clung to the blanket and wrapped himself in it as he began the path to go downstairs and retrieve the bottle. He made his way to the kitchen and found the paper sack sitting on the table. He tore it open and grabbed the prescription in one hand and held the blanket around him with the other. He dragged the blanket behind him as he climbed the stairs to return to the bed. He dropped the pills on the mattress and ignored the necklace and razor in the sink as he filled a cup with water in the bathroom. He took it to his bedside and sat down and grabbed the pills. He wiped his hair away from his eyes to read the label. He sighed heavily as he popped the cap off and removed two pills from the vial. He tossed them in his mouth and took the water to wash them down. It felt good to feel them disappear down his throat. Like a promise of something better to come. He sat the glass and bottle down on his nightstand and resumed his fetal position on the bed. He closed his eyes and willed himself to forget for a while and to fall asleep.

\---------------- 

Roger thought at first there was something wrong with the phone line. When the call disconnected it had startled him. He wondered what could be wrong with the phone and shrugged as he pressed the connection button on the phone base and tried to dial the number again. To his relief it rang. He was anxious to talk to Brian. He wanted to hear his voice. Something about his tone when he called had un-nerved him. It was probably nothing but it left Roger feeling edgy for some reason. The line continued to ring and Roger felt restless when Brian didn't answer. He shifted in the chair next to the phone. Why wasn't he answering? Roger let it ring a few more times before he hung the phone up. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He felt frustrated and slightly annoyed not to get a hold of him. Was there something wrong with the line or had Brian hung up on him? The more he thought about his words to Brian, the more it bothered him. He tried to tell himself it was nothing. Maybe the line was screwed up or maybe Brian was using the toilet or had stepped outside. He decided to let it go and walked in to the living room looking for his cigarettes. He really needed one right now. He found the packet and picked them up as he made his way to the back door. He would have a smoke and try again.

\-------------------

Brian laid in the quiet of his room and kept his eyes closed as he did his best to clear his head and find solace in slumber. He could feel the pills working but they didn't seem to pull him down enough in sleep. He turned over in the bed and tried to change positions to see if it would help. He relaxed and felt a weight slowly come over him. He felt relief as he hoped he would fall soon.

But the jarring sound of the telephone broke his trance. His eyes shot open and he whined as he tried to pull the pillow over his head. Why? Why did that phone keep intruding on him? Why can't he leave me alone right now? I can't do this right now. I can't deal with this right now! Brian rolled over on the bed and contemplated answering. Just to tell him to stop. Stop calling. Leave me alone! Give me some peace right now! You don't get to talk to me after what you've done! No! New tears formed in Brian's eyes as he realized he wasn't going to get what he wanted. Frustration built inside him and he lunged over and grabbed the phone and held it up in the air.

"Stop! Stop calling me!" he yelled at the phone and let the receiver drop to the ground. He wailed out a sob as he sat on the edge of the bed and hung his head in his hands. Pulling at the clumps of hair that were above his forehead. It would never come. Sleep would elude him. It wasn't fair! He just wanted to rest. In an act of desperation Brian reached over and grabbed the pill bottle and popped the cap off. He emptied the contents over his hand and shoved them in his mouth. He took the glass of water and swallowed hard on the contents in his mouth. Despite gagging a bit he still managed to swallow them down. They felt hard and painful and burned in his throat as he swallowed. He didn't care. He just wanted to go to sleep. He just wanted to close his eyes and disappear from his feelings. From everything. Brian dropped the pill bottle next to him and rolled back over on the bed and closed his eyes.

\--------------------  
Roger stubbed out his cigarette and sighed as he walked back in the house. He knew he could smoke in his mother's place but had developed the habit of going outside. Tiger Lily was here with him and Brian was right. We really shouldn't smoke in the room with her. It probably wasn't good for her. Roger heard the noise of his family from the living room and decided to check on his daughter. When he reached Brian on the phone he knew he would ask how she was. He entered the room and found Tigs sitting on the couch between his mother and Aunt Carole. He smiled as he watched his mother proudly help with her a toy and show her granddaughter off to his Aunt. Despite the events that led to Tiger Lily being in his life, he couldn't regret the happiness he brought his mother. Giving her a grandchild. He felt someone tap his arm and turned to see Clare behind him.

"I'm going to get her dinner.." she told Roger. He nodded and watched her walk towards the kitchen. Clare was always aware of Tigs's schedule and he was grateful she kept her on track. He felt anxious and decided to try Brian again. He walked in to the hallway and lingered at the phone. The noise from the living room was audible so he climbed the stairs to use the one up there. He dialed the number and leaned against the wall. It was ringing and he hoped this time Brian would answer. It rang for a few minutes and Roger grunted in frustration as he hung the phone up. A feeling of irritation came over him as he pulled himself from the wall and went downstairs to get a drink.

\--One hour later--

Dinner was almost ready and Tiger Lily needed to go to bed. Roger slipped upstairs to make another attempt to call Brian before he put her down for the night. He dialed the number and checked his watch. Brian should be home. He didn't have any plans. The line rang a few times and Roger felt his patience dwindling. Suddenly the line engaged and Roger felt a rush of satisfaction in Brian finally answering. There was no voice but he could sense someone was there.

"Brian?" Roger said in to the mouthpiece. It was strange. Maybe there really was something wrong the with line.

"Stop! Stop calling me!" Roger heard Brian shout in to the phone. He was startled to hear his voice raised and his harsh tone. His words made no sense. Before he could react he heard a muffled sound. He wasn't sure what it was.

"Brian! Brian!" Roger exclaimed in to the phone. What did he mean? Stop calling? Why would he say that to him? What was going on? "Brian!" he shouted back and a wave of anxiety poured through Roger's chest. There was no answer but the phone had not been hung up. He didn't know what to do. Something was wrong. This felt odd. This felt off. A sinking feeling began to settle in his gut and Roger hung the phone up. There was something wrong with Brian. He knew it. He needed someone to check on him. He picked up the phone and dialed Freddie's phone number. His heart began racing as he tried to think of what to say to Freddie. The line was ringing and Roger ran his hand through his hair and prayed for him to answer. He counted six rings and slammed the phone down. Fuck! He took a deep breath as panic set in and picked the phone back up and dialed. He hoped he would get an answer. He hoped Deacy was home. 

\----------------------

Deacy was listening to a television show and watching Ronnie rock the baby when his telephone rang. He set his glass of cider on the table and stood up to answer the phone. He leaned against the wall as he grabbed the receiver.

"Hello.."

"Thank god you're home!" Deacy heard Roger exclaim in the phone. He sounded frazzled and Deacy instantly felt a sense of urgency with the call.

"What's going on?" he asked his friend.

"Deaks...something is wrong with Brian! You've got to go to my house right now and make sure he's okay!" Roger commanded. Deacy sensed the seriousness of the matter and stood up straight and clenched the phone in his hand.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked. Unease was settling in fast and he didn't like the feeling. 

"I'm in Truro and I tried to call him to check in...he answered the phone but something is wrong with him. He told me to stop calling him and then wouldn't say anything else....I don't know what's going on but something isn't right..." Roger told him in a rushed pace. "He's not making any sense Deaks..."

Deacy's eyes grew wide as he listened to Roger's explanation. This was really strange. 

"Did he hang up on you? Did you try calling him back?" Deacy asked Roger. Wondering if this was just some misunderstanding.

"I don't think Brian hung the phone up...." Roger told him. Deacy decided to try himself. See if maybe there was just something wrong with Roger's phone line.

"Let me try and call...if I don't reach him...I'll head that way..." he suggested. 

"Alright! Take my number down and call me after you try..." Roger asked him. 

"Okay.." Deacy agreed and wrote down Roger's phone number. He hung up the call and dialed Roger's home number. He gripped the phone cord in his hand and hoped this was all just some weird mistake. The line came up engaged and Deacy's instincts told him Roger was right. Brian did not hang up the phone and something was wrong. He needed to drive over and see what was up with Brian. He hung up the phone and looked over at Ronnie. She was already looking at him with a worried expression.

"Something is wrong with Brian....I need to go check on him at home..." Deacy told his wife in as calm a tone as he could muster. He didn't want to frighten his wife, but a part of him felt a little frightened. He had a bad feeling building inside him and knew he needed to get to Brian's right away. He quickly dialed Roger's phone number.

"Did you reach him?" was how Roger answered the call. Deacy shook his head as he responded.

"No..the line's engaged..." he answered quickly. He could hear Roger's worry filled sigh on the phone and pressed his lips together. His own sense of worry was pressing at him. "I'm heading over now..." Deacy informed him before Roger could ask. "I'll call you as soon as I get there.." he added.

"Thanks so much Deaks! Look...I'll owe you one alright?" he replied in a grateful manner. Deacy smiled at his friends sense of relief. He was happy to help and he also needed to know his friend was okay.

"No worries Rog...let me get going..." he replied. He shoved the phone number for Roger in his pocket and hung up the phone. He glanced at Ronnie and walked over to her. Her face retained the concern from moments before.

"Is Brian okay?" she asked him. Deacy smiled warmly to reassure her.

"I'm sure it's nothing but Roger is out of town and wants to know everything is okay...I think there might be something wrong with his phone line.." he explained to appease her worry. She smiled at him and nodded.

"Alright then....see you in a bit..." she told him. Deacy bent down and kissed her head and patted Robert's before he stood up and headed for his coat and keys. He was thankful he had a car and could get there in a few minutes. He took off from the street and headed down the main road that would take him to their house.

Deacy arrived and wasn't surprised to find the green sports car in their driveway. He pulled up behind it and got out of the car. He could see lights on in the house. It was encouraging. He quickly made his way to the front door and rang the bell. He stood and waited quietly and hoped this would just end with a curious Brian answering the door and wondering what the fuss was all about. He took a deep breath as he stood and waited. No answer came and he reached down the check the door. He pushed and found it was unlocked. He let the door open and pushed it inwards so he could see inside the house. The light was on and nothing appeared out of the norm.

"Brian?" Deacy shouted in to house from the doorway. "Are you home?" he asked loudly. He stood and listened for a response. He knew Brian had to be there. The car was here and the lights were on. It just felt logical. He didn't get an answer and gingerly took a step in to the house. He walked in a few feet and then headed for the living room. He found it empty and sighed to himself. He would try the kitchen next. He began walking through the bottom floor and was encouraged to see Brian's coat was there. He also found his set of keys on the kitchen table. He was home! Okay...where is he? 

Deacy finished his check of the first floor and arrived at the stairs. He climbed then purposefully.

"Brian? Where are you?" he shouted as he reached the landing. He heard a groan and felt butterflies erupt in his stomach. He knew the sound came from Brian's bedroom. He hurried in to the doorway and saw him lying on the bed. He felt instant relief to have accounted for him. But the scene before him made his breath catch in his throat.

Brian was curled into a ball on the bed and had a blanket pulled partly around him. He didn't appear to have any clothes on. His eyes were closed in an expression of pain and he was rocking back and forth slightly on the bed. It alarmed him to see his friend in this state. Brian was making odd sounds like he was half awake and disturbed by something. Deacy swallowed hard and hurried up to Brian's side of the bed. Fear was taking over Deacy's being. This wasn't good. Not at all!

"Brian? Are you alright?" he said to him in a harried voice. He grabbed at Brian's shoulder and shook him to get him awake. Brian's eyes remained closed but his expression grew more pained and he moaned. "Brian! Wake up! What's going on? Are you okay?" Deacy asked him with increased worry.

"Let me sleep.." Brian mumbled to him in a slurred voice. Deacy was relieved to hear him speak but his clearly drugged state was alarming. What was going on with Brian? He pushed at his shoulder again and Brian moaned and tried to move away from him a little. Deacy noticed something on the bed and reached over to see what it was. He picked up the small bottle and looked at the label. It was empty and was a prescription for Valium. Shit! He clenched the bottle in his hands and ran to the telephone. His heart was hammering in his chest as he dialed the operator.

"Operator.."

"Yes...I need an ambulance!"

"Is this an emergency?" 

"Yes! I think my friend may have take an overdose of pills.." he told the operator in a frantic voice. He rambled off the address and particulars as he sat on the bed and tried to rouse Brian from his deepening state. Keeping a close watch on his breathing. Hoping it was still occurring.

"I've requested a dispatch for you....they should be there shortly.." the operator advised him. He hung up the phone and tried to get Brian to sit up. He pulled him up from the bed and found him to be mostly dead weight. It was un-nerving and he tried to shake his friend to get him more alert.

"Brian!" he shouted at him and shook him firmly; gripping his upper arms in a forceful manner that would certainly leave marks. "Why did you take those pills? Don't you fucking die on me..." Deacy shouted in a panic to him. He realized that Brian may have swallowed the whole bottle. He had no idea. It was evident he was on something. The image of Brian dead in his arms passed through his brain and Deacy shook his head to drive it away as he kept at his friend.

"Brian! God Damnit!" he shouted as he shook him forcefully. He was exhilarated when Brian pushed back against him a little and groaned at him.

"No..." Brian moaned at him; eyes remaining closed but he was somewhat conscious. "Sleep.." was the last thing Deacy heard Brian say before the ambulance arrived. They came in the front door and made their way up the stairs.

"In here!" Deacy shouted as the men climbed the stairs. Deacy let go of Brian as the medic came up and took his spot on the bed. He took a few steps back and wiped his sweaty hand across his forehead as he watched them attend to Brian. Deacy didn't realize it but he was hot and sweaty. He ignored it as he gazed fearfully at his friend. 

"What's his name? Do you know what he took?" the attendant asked him. He walked over and found the bottle on the bed again and handed it to the man. Deacy's eyes darted back and forth between Brian and the medic.

"His name is Brian May. I'm not sure what it was, but this was on the bed next to him..." he replied. The medic took the bottle and read over it quickly. He sighed and looked at his partner. His partner made some type of gesture to him.

"Brian? Are you awake?" the medic asked Brian in a firm loud voice. "Brian? Can you answer me?" He patted Brian's cheeks and waited. He got no response and then turned to his partner.

"Valium.." he communicated to him. His partner nodded and they each picked up both ends of Brian and moved him to the gurney. Deacy moved back to give them room as they bent over to buckle him on the bed.

"Where are you taking him?" Deacy asked them in a distressed voice. "Should I follow in my car?" he asked. The medic looked up at him and nodded.

"Chelsea hospital on Fulham Road.." the medic advised him. Deacy nodded and watched the men wheel Brian out of the room and head for the stairs. He stood back to let them maneuver him down to the first floor. They made quick work of it and got him out the front door. Deacy tried to keep his wits about him as he went in to the kitchen and found Brian's wallet and keys. He grabbed them before leaving the house and locking the front door. The medics already had Brian in the ambulance. Deacy noted a few neighbors standing on their lawns and watching as the driver made his way to the door of the ambulance. He got inside and they quickly pulled out. Deacy ignored the neighbors as he moved to get inside his car and sat down. Once the door was closed he exhaled deeply. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! He felt sick inside remembering Brian being unresponsive to the medic and quickly started his car. He needed to get to the hospital. He needed to know his friend was going to be okay. Shit! He needed to know he was at least alive. He pulled out of the drive and took off towards the direction of the ambulance siren.

\------------------

Roger paced on the second floor of his mother's house and thought his heart might explode. The phone had not rang and it had been at least a half hour. Deacy lived less than 10 minutes away. Come on already! He checked his watch again and sighed as he felt his anxiety grow with every passing minute. What was taking so long? He slipped his hand inside his shirt and rubbed his shoulder to comfort himself. He saw Clare coming up the stairs and her eyes grew wide as she approached.

"Your dinner is getting cold...you coming down to eat?" she asked him as she came up to him. She could tell something was wrong. He slipped his hand out of his shirt and felt comforted by her presence. He reached out and touched her arm. He didn't want to frighten her but he sure was.

"I have to wait on a call..." he told her as calmly as he could manage. He felt like his voice was higher than usual and she registered something was off. 

"Is everything okay? You look funny..." she asked him quietly. She knew something was wrong and hoped it was just her imagination. Roger rolled his bottom lip in to his mouth and shuffled his weight between feet.

"Look...don't get alarmed but something weird happened when I was on the phone with Brian...I think its just a problem with the phone line...but I asked Deacy to run over and check...just to make sure everything's okay..." he told her with a measured tone. "I'm just waiting for a call back to know it's alright.." he explained. Clare could sense Roger's controlled speech and knew he was truly worried. She smiled at him and patted his arm.

"I'm sure everything will be alright.." she assured him. "I'll put you a plate in the oven.." she told him. Roger smiled at her offer and pressed his hand into her arm.

"Thanks Bear....you're the best!" he told her gratefully. She smiled at him again and turned to head down the stairs. Roger leaned against the wall and stared at the phone; willing it to ring. He stood and considered having a cigarette and patted his pocket to confirm he had them. He stuck his hand in his pocket to check for the lighter and was relieved to find it. He pulled a cigarette out of the pack and stuck it in his mouth. He reached down to depress the lighter when the telephone rang.

"About fucking time!" he muttered as he stuck the cigarette behind his ear and picked up the receiver. Annoyed a little at the time it took to get a response.

"Hello..." 

"Is this Roger?" Deacy asked him in a stressed voice. Roger instantly knew this call was not going to end the way he had hoped. A giant pit of dread formed in his stomach at the sound of the strain in his friend's voice.

"It's me Deaks...is Brian okay?" Roger immediately asked him. He didn't want any hesitation and needed to know. He heard Deacy take a breath and Roger steeled himself against the wall.

"Rog...I'm at the hospital..." Deacy answered and Roger clenched the phone cord and bit in to his bottom lip. "Rog...I don't know why....but Brian....he took a bunch of pills..." Deacy informed him. "He swallowed a bunch of pills..."

Roger felt the air get knocked out of him as he heard these words. The dread in his stomach rushed up in to his chest and head; roaring and biting at him. He gasped as he tried to speak; struggling for a breath.

"Is he...." Roger spit out desperately....he couldn't say the rest of the words. His heart wouldn't let him. 

"He's alive...." Deacy told him assuredly. "He's going to be okay..." Roger felt a wave of relief wash over him as he heard these words. He stood up straight from the wall and turned to face the telephone stand.

"I'm on my way..."


	41. Don't Try Suicide - Part 4

29 December 1975

London

Roger's POV

"I'm on my way.." I told Deacy as I felt my heart thunder in my chest. "Which hospital?" I asked him; trying to keep breathing. Trying to remain calm.

"Chelsea hospital...Fulham Road..." he replied. I hung the phone up and took off down the stairs and rushed in to the living room. Everyone was seated at the dinner table. I caught myself and tried to remain calm. I didn't need everyone knowing my business. I got Clare's attention. 

"Clare...I need you..." I told her as matter of fact as I could manage. Her eyes immediately registered concern as she stood up from the table and met me in the living room. I took her by the arm and led her down the hall; away from prying eyes and ears. I swallowed hard and looked her in the eye. "Deacy called me back...Brian is in the hospital..." I told her as her eyes grew wide and fearful. I squeezed her arm and tried to remain calm. "Clare....he took some pills...but he's going to be okay..." I assured her as her mouth fell open and she looked as shocked as I feel. "I've got to get to the hospital and I need you to stay here and take care of Tigs...alright?" I asked her as my voice got quiet. She nodded to me as she pressed her lips together and squeezed my arm. I'm trying to remain calm.

"Why would he do that?" she whispered to me. I shook my head.

'I don't know Clare...I don't know..." I told her honestly. "I know he's had some trouble sleeping but I don't even know where he even got the pills from..." I explained. "When I know more...I'll tell you...I've got to go..." I said again. I kissed her forehead and gave her a quick hug. She wiped at her eyes and I realized she had teared up. I tried to smile at her to reassure her. Trying to remain calm.

"He's okay....he'll be alright.." I said to her as I let go and headed to get my coat. I wondered if I was telling her these words as much as I was telling myself. "Just tell Mum he is sick..okay?" She just nodded and stood there and watched me as I grabbed my bag and left the house. I ran to the car and got it started; no longer feeling calm and desperate to get to London.

\--------------

Deacy's POV

I was so relieved when he answered the phone.

"Hello.."

"I need you!" I told him in a distressed voice.

"Deacy? What's wrong darling?" The tenderness and concern in his tone made me feel instantly comforted. I knew hearing his voice would help.

"I'm at the hospital with Brian....he swallowed a bunch of pills Freddie..." I told him. I could hear Freddie's intake of breath over the phone.

"Is he?" Freddie began to ask me.

"He's alive...he'll be alright they said...." I interrupted him. "I need you.." I told him again.

"Where are you?" I smiled inside as I knew he was coming.

\--20 minutes later--

"You came in with Brian, is that correct?" the nurse asked me. She had kind eyes and a soft voice. I nodded and stood up from the chair in the waiting room. She extended her hand to me and I took it. "My name is Peggy and you are?" she asked me in a gentle tone.

"John...John Deacon..." I replied. She smiled warmly at me as I shook her hand.

"Well John...I'm going to try and have a chat with Brian. Could you come help me talk to him?" she asked me. I nodded again and tried to smile as best I could.

"Yes..." she smiled back and guided me down a corridor. We walked past several rooms with doors opened and closed. I ignored the noise and the people and thought about my friend. Hoping he is really going to be okay. "Brian is awake.....we had to pump his stomach to empty the contents....remove the pills from his system..." she explained to me. "He has an IV to replace fluids and he is still a bit out of it from the side effects of the pills.." She stopped at a door and turned to me. "I want to see if he can tell me what happened tonight..." she told me. I nodded understanding and she opened the door.

Brian was in the bed and had the IV just as she said. His eyes were closed but he didn't seem peaceful. There was still a semblance of that pained expression. It hurt to see him that way. They had put a hospital gown on him and he was covered up with blankets. He looked vulnerable and smaller than usual. She walked up to his bedside and gestured for me to take a seat next to him. I sat down and turned my attention to Brian as she stood on the other side of the bed. He opened his eyes slowly and looked over at the nurse as she spoke. His face was pale and buried in his mass of messy hair.

"Brian?" she asked him softly. He blinked a few times and just looked at her. He seemed disconnected. "Brian?" she said to him again and gently reached over and took his hand. She was trying to get him to focus. He stopped blinking and seemed to be better able to concentrate.

"Brian...I need you to talk to me...can you talk to me?" she asked him softly. Brian was looking at her but remained silent. His gaze seemed to wander around a bit and he looked up at the light fixture on the ceiling. "Brian....I can't help you if you won't talk to me...I just need to ask you a few questions...okay?" the nurse said to him. He seemed more focused on the overhead light and not connected to what the nurse was saying. I felt compelled to speak.

"Hey Bri....you need to talk to her, okay? She just needs you to answer some questions.." I said to him gently. Brian moved his gaze from the lights and turned his head to look at me. He seemed surprised to see me.

"What?" Brian spoke in a confused manner. "When did you get here?" he asked me; apparently not remembering me from tonight. 

"Brian....I brought you here....don't you remember?" I replied. Why didn't he remember me calling for the ambulance or speaking to me at the house? He must really be out of it.

"Where am I?" he asked me and it was clear he didn't understand where he was. The nurse was right. The side effects had not quite worn off. He looked around the room trying to figure out where he was. His expression was a bit vacant. 

"Brian! You're in the hospital! Don't you remember?" I asked him and realized my voice had gone up a bit. I was upset but didn't realize it until I heard myself. He reacted to it though and frowned a bit.

"Hey! Don't shout at me!" he replied harshly and sounded annoyed before his voice caught and became scratchy. He immediately put his hand to his throat and looked distressed. His eyes noted the IV on his hand and his eyes grew wide. "What happened? Why do I have an IV?" he asked me in a complete state of panic and confusion about what is going on. I felt frustrated that he wasn't grasping the situation. 

"Brian...don't you remember?" I asked him again. He seemed confused and then looked at me and shook his head. I guess he doesn't really remember. I reached over and took his hand to try and calm him. "You...you took a bunch of pills..." I told him. "We brought you here so they could pump your stomach!" I explained to him. I was really concerned he didn't remember anything and I began to think again about why he did it. Was it an accident? Was it in purpose? Why? I looked over at the nurse and we shared a glance of understanding. It was clear this is what she needed to know. I felt some fear but knew we needed an answer. "Did you...did you take them on purpose?" I finally blurted out to him in a whisper.

Brian's face dropped as he heard my words. I immediately noticed tears form in his eyes and I knew the answer. He didn't have to say it. He reached up with his hands and buried his face in them. He began clutching at his hair and it frightened me a little. He was quite emotional. He suddenly bent over in the bed. I wondered if he might feel sick. I felt awful for him and wondered what would cause him to feel like he had to do this.

"Brian...did you try to hurt yourself?" the nurse asked him directly. Brian didn't remove his head from his hands but he shook his head. I felt a wave of relief. I guess I had misunderstood and he didn't do it on purpose. I felt hopeful that this was just a mix up on his part. But Brian stopped his head and then suddenly began to nod instead and my heart dropped. He did try and hurt himself. Shit! I know the sound that came from my mouth was audible. It was a heavy sigh.

\---------------------

"Have you contacted his family?" the nurse asked me as we sat down in a small room next to the waiting area. We had left Brian alone in his room after he calmed down and went to speak in private. I shook my head. I guess I had contacted the most important people, but not the family I knew she was referring to. I was a little annoyed that this was going to become complicated.

"Is Brian married?" she asked me as she began filling out a form. Technically no, but emotionally yes. I hated this situation and tried to figure out what to say.

"He's not married but he has someone.." I told her. She nodded understanding and smiled at me.

"Have you contacted his girlfriend?" she asked me directly. Shit! I wasn't sure how to answer this and felt conflicted about what I could reveal about Brian's private life. Before I could say anything there was a knock on the door.

"Come in..." Peggy announced and the door opened. To my great relief it was Freddie. I instantly smiled and felt in safe hands. He glanced at me and smiled and then returned his gaze to the nurse. He opened the door a bit more and I saw he had John Reid with him.

"I'm John Reid....I'm Brian's manager....I understand he is being treated here this evening?" Mr. Reid asked the nurse. Peggy smiled at him and shook his hand.

"Yes...that's right...I'm Peggy...I've been visiting with John here about Brian....we just spoke to Brian a few minutes ago..." she explained. Mr. Reid entered the room and came over to me. He and Freddie stood behind me and closed the door. I felt Freddie place his hand on my shoulder. It was calming.

"Is Brian going to be released?" Mr. Reid asked Peggy in a careful tone and I wondered why he was asking. Peggy seemed to understand his underlying meaning and smiled at him.

"I'm afraid not Mr. Reid....Brian admitted he tried to hurt himself...he needs to be under observation.." she replied bluntly to him. I saw Freddie's face register surprise and shock. Mr. Reid seemed indifferent.

"Can he be transferred for private care?" he asked her. She smiled again and nodded.

"Yes...that can be arranged....is there somewhere you have in mind?" she asked him. I had no clue what this was all about. Freddie seemed to be more in sync with it all as he observed the exchange.

"The Priory.....under Dr. Isaac Fischer's care.." the nurse seemed to understand and stood up from the table.

"I'll make a call to get that arranged...I know Brian will be in good hands.." she remarked as she slipped out of the room. Freddie squeezed my shoulder and looked at me.

"No worries Deacy...we're going to get him the best of care..." he explained.

\----------------

\--10:30pm--

Roger's POV 

It was a deja vu of the long drive I took from Truro to London last year when Brian collapsed and was in need of surgery. This time I know he isn't going to die. I just don't know if he is going to be alright. It feels just as bad as last time and I'm alone on this drive. I had the radio on but couldn't tell you what songs it played. I was lost in my head. Drowning in questions. Lots of unanswered questions. Why did he do this?

I was grateful for the clear weather as I sped in to London. That and no policeman. Had they stopped me I would have been arrested. I made it to the hospital in one piece and parked the car. I ran inside and found the casualty department. I had received that phone call from Deacy about four hours ago and hoped by now Brian was awake and able to see me. Able to tell me what happened to him and why he did this. Why did he do this? I was anxious as I walked up to the main desk.

"I'm here to see a patient brought in several hours ago....his name is Brian May.." I explained to the attendant. She nodded to me and checked her clipboard. She stood up and walked over to a shelf and grabbed a card. She turned and handed it to me.

"He was transferred to a different facility a few hours ago....you need to call before you can visit.." she advised me. 

"He's not here?" I asked her; not believing that I wasn't going to see him right now. She shook her head and pointed to the card.

It was an information card for a place called 'The Priory.' I had heard of this place but never considered it to be real. I guess it is. It's a facility for mental patients. 

"Thanks.." I told the woman with a heavy sigh as I left the desk and headed for my car. I decided to go home and call from there. The house wasn't far. I drove the empty streets to my house and parked. The lights were still on and I unlocked the door and stepped inside. It was eerily quiet and it gave me the shivers for some reason. I closed the door and walked in towards the kitchen. There was a torn up paper bag on the floor that appeared to be from the chemists. I realized this was possibly from the pills he took. But why did he get pills and what were they for? I crumpled the paper up in my hand and laid it on the table. I decided to go upstairs and freshen up before I called. I could change clothes and head out to the clinic. I pulled off my coat and walked upstairs. As I reached the bedroom I saw the bedclothes pulled off on to the floor and a few pills scattered around. It looked like something out of a movie or tv show and it felt surreal to me. My stomach knotted as I walked around Brian's side of the bed and saw the cup from the bathroom on his nightstand. I realized the phone was still off the hook and reached down and returned the receiver to the base. I was getting a tiny picture in my head of what had gone down in the room and I didn't like it. I walked in to the bathroom and stopped cold when I saw the items piled in the sink.

'Christ Brian!' 

I peered in to find a loose razor blade laying on the side of the bowl and the discarded base of the razor below it. A chill ran through me at the sight of it. What the fuck? All I could think about where those times he had locked himself in the bathroom and I had found him with a razor blade in his hand or nearby. I realized now my instinct that something was off was right. He must have been contemplating hurting himself. But why? Brian's coin necklace was in the bottom of the sink. I picked it up and saw where the chain had been broken. What was this about? What the fuck happened here? Why had he taken the blade from the razor? What compelled him to do all this? The confusion of all this weighed on me. I needed some answers. Why did he do this? I had spent the entire drive trying to think of what happened to him. What had driven him to take those pills? Where did he get those pills? Why did he get them in the first place? Too many questions. I took Brian's necklace and placed it inside a drawer for safe keeping. I put the blade back inside the razor and set it on the vanity. I went through and picked up the abandoned towel and clothes strewn about. It just left me with more questions and I shook my head as I used the toilet and freshened up at the sink.

I walked to the bed and found a few more pills mixed in with the bedclothes as I tried to sort them out. What were pills doing in the bed? Christ! What happened here? I sighed and sat on the bed and pulled the card from my pocket. I dialed the number. Still in shock with everything.

"Priory...patient care.." a man answered

"Yes...I believe my friend was admitted there today...Brian May...I was given your information by Chelsea hospital..." I advised them.

"Your name please..." the man asked me.

"Roger Taylor..." I answered. I waited for a response.

"Mr. Taylor....right now Mr. May is not seeing any visitors...but his doctor...Dr. Fischer...would like to see you..." he told me. I was shocked to hear I couldn't see Brian. 

"When can I see the doctor?" I asked him. Hoping the doctor could at least tell me what is going on. I needed some answers.

"Can you meet with him tomorrow at 10?" he asked me.

"Yes...I'll be there...." I replied promptly.

"I've got you down....just check in at the main desk when you arrive....they will escort you back.." the man explained to me.

"Thank you..." I told him and hung up. Shit! I can't even see him yet! I picked up the phone and dialed Deacy. I was hoping he might have seen Brian or at least could tell me how he was doing before they transferred him.

"Hello..."

"Deaks...it's me! Did you see Brian? Is he alright?" I asked him hurriedly. 

"Rog....yes..I saw him..." Deacy replied. He stopped speaking and it made my stomach churn.

"And? Is he alright?" 

"Rog...he admitted he took the pills on purpose...he admitted he tried to hurt himself....but he wouldn't say why...." Deacy told me in sad voice. "Why would he do that?" Deacy asked me in a voice that reminded me of a child. It struck me hard and I fought the onset of tears and a tight chest.

"I don't know Deaks...." I finally replied once I found my voice. I wasn't sure what to say about the feelings I had before now where it seemed like Brian had struggled with something. I decided it was best to share that with the doctor first. I bit my lip. "I'm seeing his doctor tomorrow at that place he went...The Priory.." I told him.

"Freddie came to the hospital and John Reid is the one who arranged for him to go there.." Deacy explained. I wondered why he was sent there. This information helped. "They told me it was a private place and Reid had a client there before who was able to keep their visit out of the press." I understood why he sent him there. It made sense. "Reid said he couldn't have it get out that the guitarist in the band with the #1 record in the country tried to kill himself.." Deacy announced to me. The words cut through me like a knife. He had tried to kill himself. I didn't want to put it in that context but it was true. He didn't just try to hurt himself. He tried to end his life. My stomach hollowed out and I thought I might be sick.

"Sorry Rog....I guess I could have worded that differently..." Deacy said quietly in the phone.

"It's alright..." I told him after I swallowed down a feeling of bile in my throat. "Look...I need to go...I've got to call my sister..." I told him to get him off the phone.

"Alright....call me and let me know how he is...." Deacy asked me in a sweet sincere manner. 

"I will Deaks...thanks for being there Deaks....if you hadn't.." I couldn't say the words and my chest hurt thinking about it.

"Rog...I'm glad you called me....I'm glad he's safe..." Deacy replied.

"Thanks...." I said to him in a whisper and hung up the phone.

\--------------------

\--30th December 1975--

London

I slept with Brian's pillow clutched in my arms. I could smell him on it and it comforted me but it didn't help me sleep much. I laid in the dark with my eyes shut but my mind wide open. Looking for answers. Needing to know why. Needing to know what happened. Needing to know he is okay. I dragged myself from bed and took a shower and readied myself. I walked in to the closet and came across a white shirt of Brian's that smelled like him. I buried my face in it and almost felt like I could smile. It was a piece of him to hang on to for now. I pulled it from the hanger and slipped it on. It didn't fit well but I tucked it in and made it work before I slipped a jacket over it. At the last minute, I grabbed some of his clothes and his clogs and tossed them in a bag. I figured he didn't have anything and might want some of his own things. I went downstairs and made myself eat some toast as I drank some tea. I thought about the phone call I had with my sister last night. There wasn't much to tell her. She had only told my mother that Brian was ill and I came home to care for him and she stayed behind with the baby because he is contagious. It was a nice cover and I was grateful to her. I told her about the arrangement Reid had made and she felt it was a good idea. I promised to call her later today. Her and a few other people. I had not called Brian's parents. I needed him to tell me if he wanted them to know. I needed to be able to tell them something if he did want them to know. I don't know much and it bothers me deeply.

I arrived at the clinic and was impressed with the place. It was a former estate house and had beautiful manicured grounds. I parked the car and went inside. I found a desk in a waiting area that was plush and expensively decorated. I wondered how much this place cost.

"Roger Taylor...I have a 10 am appointment with Dr. Fischer.." I told the attendant. She nodded and picked up a phone. She gestured for me to sit. I took a seat and looked at the paintings on the wall and the high end furniture. Someone came through a door.

"Mr. Taylor....come this way please..." It was a man dressed in a white uniform and I followed him through the door down a long corridor. "Dr. Fischer is on his way...are those things for Brian?.." he asked me as he opened a door to a large office. I nodded and handed him the bag. He smiled as he took it from me. I walked in to the office. It was sparsely decorated but nice and he offered me a seat on a leather sofa. "It will be just a moment..." I nodded as he gently closed the door. I saw the doctor's diplomas on the wall behind his desk and saw it was for Psychiatry. That was encouraging. The door opened back up and the man who escorted me came in with a tray of tea. He placed it on the table and left. I helped myself to pass the time and got a cup. The door opened as I was stirring in my milk and sugar. A man dressed in a horrid beige corduroy blazer and an even worse mustard colored tie came in the room. His hair was frizzy and unkempt. I almost laughed out loud. It was not what I expected after seeing the high end aspect of this place. He seemed out of place with the décor. I kept the smirk off my face and stood up to take his hand as he walked up to me.

"I'm Dr. Isaac Fischer....you must be Roger Taylor..." we shook hands.

"Yes...you're taking care of Brian?" I asked him. He nodded to me with a small smile and gestured for me to sit down.

"I am overseeing his care....yes..." he answered me as he took a seat in a leather chair next to me. He eyed me over and seemed to have questions. "Mr. Taylor.....Brian was admitted here last night at the request of your manager, John Reid. Brian admitted while in the care of the hospital that he had taken a large amount of prescription pills with the intent to hurt himself. Now...Brian is stable and there appears to be no real physical damage from the incident. Of course...the reason he is here is because there is obviously some psychological issues we need to address." Dr. Fischer leaned forward to look at me intently. I'll let you know that anything we discuss is completely confidential..." he remarked to me as he opened up a file next to his chair. He pulled out some notes. "So in light of that...I'll hope you'll be completely candid with me.." he asked me. I nodded and smiled.

"That won't be a problem...I just want whatever is best for Brian and for him to get better..." I answered. He seemed pleased to hear this and tapped his pen on the file cover. 

"I'm glad to hear that....it always helps when friends and family are amenable to our treatment plans for our patients..." he answered. "Do you mind if I call you Roger?" he asked me. I nodded to him and he smiled. "Well now...Roger...I suppose you have some questions for me....and I have some for you....if you would allow me to start..." he suggested.

"That's fine...go ahead.." I replied. 

"Roger...would you like to tell me the nature of your relationship with Brian?" he asked me in a direct manner. I wasn't sure if he already knew and wanted my version of it or just didn't know. Had he even spoke with Brian yet?

"Brian and I....we're..in a relationship.....well....to be completely honest....we're married to each other.." I answered. I expected a look of shock from the doctor but didn't get it. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. My hand went to reach for my necklace and I ran my finger over the coin. It felt good to hold it.

"And how long have you been together?" 

"Six years...." he didn't seem to have an impression one way or the other.

"And how would you categorize the last year of your relationship? Would you call it a happy one?" I found this to be an odd question but figured he had his reasons.

"We've had some challenges in the past year....I wouldn't say we are unhappy...but we've had a few bumps...." I replied. 

"And who is Tigs?" 

"That's my daughter...Tiger Lily....we call her Tigs for short.." 

"Thank you Roger...that's all I have for now...I suppose you have some questions.."

"Yes....have you seen Brian since he arrived?"

"Yes...I met with him this morning...."

"And did he say why he tried to hurt himself?"

"Yes....we did talk about that..."

"What did Brian say?"

"Well....to be completely honest....he said it was because of you...." I was floored to hear this and my eyes grew wide.

"Me? What? Did he say why? What did he tell you? I don't understand?" I was confused by this information and couldn't understand why Brian had said it was because of me. What did I do?

"Roger....Brian asked me to have you contact Dr. Roberts office....he said you needed to see the doctor...it's quite important...." I was completely baffled by this information and wondered what Dr. Roberts had to do with this. 

"Dr. Roberts? Are you sure?" The doctor nodded.

"Yes....that is what he asked me to tell you..." he replied.

"Can I see Brian?" the doctor looked hesitant.

"Brian said he won't see you until after you have seen Dr. Roberts..." I was dumbfounded by this news and a bit irritated. I figured I needed to call Dr. Roberts right away as I wanted to see Brian. I needed to know what was going on. This was becoming almost bizarre.

"Do you mind if I use your phone?" I asked the doctor. He stood up and gestured to his desk.

"Please....it's on my desk..." he told me and walked to the door and stepped out. I went to the phone and pulled out the card from my wallet and called Dr. Roberts' office.

"Dr. Henry Roberts office...."

"Yes...this is Roger Taylor...I was advised I needed to call and make an appointment to see Dr. Roberts..."

"One moment please..." the receptionist placed me on hold and I stood and stared at the diploma on the wall.

"Roger?" It was Dr. Roberts on the phone. This was a surprise.

"Yes...Dr. Roberts?"

"Yes...Roger....can you come in today? It's urgent we see you..." he explained. This is so odd, but I will do what they ask. I need to see Brian.

"Yes...I can leave now....I can be there in 45 minutes..."

"Wonderful....just let me know when you arrive.."

"Alright....can I ask why I need to come in? Is this about Brian?"

"Yes...it does involve Brian...and yourself....I would rather discuss this in person..."

"Okay...I'll be on my way..." I hung up the phone and walked out of the office. Dr. Fischer was waiting for me. "I'm off to see Dr. Roberts right now....can I go ahead and find out when I can see Brian?" I asked him. He smiled at me and began walking down the hall with me.

"You can see him tomorrow....be here at 1pm..." he replied. I nodded and shook his hand as we arrived at the exit door. 

"Thanks Dr. Fischer...I'll see you tomorrow...."

\---------------------------

45 minutes later

I had a bad feeling the second I saw Chrissie's face. She came out of the side door and saw me and her usual smile was missing. She was thin mouthed and called to me in a subdued voice.

"Roger...the doctor will see you now..." I swallowed hard and wondered what in the world was going on. I stood up and followed her in to the back area. She didn't give me her usual small talk or even touch me. This whole visit feels surreal. I began to feel a sense of tension in the air. I was walked in to an exam room and she barely looked at me. "He will be right in...." she told me flatly as she left the room. I sat down and my mind began racing trying to figure out this mystery. Why did Brian have me come see the doctor? What would the doctor need to tell me that Brian could not? As soon as I thought this it occurred to me that Brian might be seriously ill and that is why he tried to hurt himself. Oh my god! What if he is really sick? What if he has cancer or some terminal disease? My stomach dropped and I felt a bit shaky at the thought of it. I didn't want to believe it but why else would I need to see Dr. Roberts? The room door opened and my heart stopped for a moment. Dr. Roberts came in and had the same subdued look that Chrissie had. Shit! Something was wrong with Brian! Oh my god! I gripped the edge of the exam table. Steeling myself for the worst possible news.

"Roger...I'm not going to waste any time.....the reason you needed to come in today is because you need to be treated for something...." he explained. I had no idea what this was about and didn't have a clue what I needed to be treated for.

"What is it? What is going on?" I asked him. He sat down on the doctor's stool and looked me square in the eye.

"Roger.....you've got gonorrhea..."


	42. Don't Try Suicide - Part 5

30 December 1976

London

Roger's POV

"Roger.....you've got gonorrhea..."

Those words made me shudder. And those words made me realize something. Fuck! Brian knows I cheated! And so does the doctor! And so does Chrissie! Fuck!

This was not what I thought I would be hearing and it felt like the floor dropped out from under me. I am completely humiliated and know I've been found out. They know, and more importantly, Brian knows, I cheated on him. "Fuck!" I can't imagine how red my face is. I can only hang my head down and try to keep it together to get through this appointment. I rubbed my face and ran my hand through my hair to pull it from my eyes and tried to look the doctor in the face.

"Are you sure?" I asked him; feeling like an idiot for my choice of words. The doctor kept an even expression and nodded to me.

"I tested Brian twice..." he replied. Fuck!

"Fuck..uhhh...okay...." was all I could come up with. I don't know what else to say. The doctor turned around and pulled a slip of paper from the counter.

"Here is a prescription for the antibiotics you need to take..." he told me in a clinical manner. I was surprised. I really thought I would be getting a lecture. "Take every one of these pills and cease any sexual activity for two weeks.." he told me as he opened a drawer and pulled out a packet of condoms. Well shit! Here we go with the lecture! "Roger...you might want to consider using these in future.." he said as he handed me a couple of the packets. I nodded and tried to keep eye contact with him. It was tough. Shit! This is beyond embarrassing.

"I don't even know what to say...." I finally blurted out to him and he nodded to me and reached over and touched my arm. I like Dr. Roberts a lot and feel like I have let him down in some way. Shit! I've let myself down. I've really let Brian down the most. Fuck!

"I think whatever you need to say should be saved for Brian...don't you think?" he replied. He was right. I nodded and felt the sting of tears in my eyes. A sudden swell of emotion came over me. My chest tightened and I gasped as I realized I really was the reason he tried to hurt himself. I caused him so much pain he felt he needed to swallow a bunch of fucking pills to make it go away!

"Roger....Dr. Fischer's office already called me...." Dr. Roberts told me as he gently squeezed my arm. I nodded that I heard him as I covered my face with my hands and tried to get a hold of myself. But I couldn't. I am the reason Brian did this! Fuck! I am the reason he swallowed all those fucking pills! I really am a piece of shit! A cheat and a liar! I leaned over and choked on my sobs as everything came spilling out of me. Fuck! Dr. Roberts stood up and moved to stand next to me and put his arm around me as I unloaded everything. The guilt. The regret. The embarrassment. I don't know how long I was there; hunched over and shaking. Feeling like I have completely fucked my life up. Wondering how I can face Brian. The doctor stood patiently next to me and finally helped pull me up once I calmed down a bit. I was still crying and tried to wipe my face with my sleeve. My face burned from so much crying. The doctor grabbed some tissues and handed them to me as I tried to clean my face up. I finally cleared my throat and got myself pulled together.

""Sorry...." I told him. I am very sorry. About many things.

"Roger...I want you to know that I prescribed the Valium that Brian overdosed on..." the doctor told me as I finished wiping my nose. I looked up at him and saw the pain in his face.

"Hey...it's alright Doc....you didn't know..." I told him. I felt like I needed him to know it wasn't his fault. He nodded to me and tried to smile but it didn't really surface.

"I didn't realize Brian was that fragile...." he told me. "He only mentioned he was having trouble sleeping..." he explained.

"He has had a lot of trouble with sleep...." I acknowledged. "I think he has had some other things going on as well..." I confessed to him. The doctor looked surprised but relieved at the same time. "I know what I've done hasn't helped him one bit...." I said quietly. It was my own confession.

"Roger...do you know who might have given you gonorrhea?" he asked me. I had to laugh. I don't know. Since I've been with more than one person I couldn't say. The thought of this made me even sadder.

"No....there were two people I've had contact with...I can't even tell you who they even are...." was all I could muster for him. He nodded understanding but I could see the disappointment in his eyes. That's okay. I felt it as well.

"Do you have any questions for me?" the doctor asked. I shook my head. I know all I need to know. More than I want to really.

"No...thanks Doc....I mean it....I can't tell you how ashamed I am right now..." I finally said to him. The doctor gave me a sympathetic look and patted my arm.

"We all make mistakes Roger....it's what we do about them that matters..." he replied. He was right.

\---------------------

I went straight home and found the largest bottle of alcohol in the house. I proceeded to get shitfaced drunk at the kitchen table and fell asleep. I know it's not the best way to deal with things but I feel like a complete loser right now. I only woke up because the telephone wouldn't stop ringing. But I ignored it. All I could think about was having to answer the question we all had from the moment we heard about Brian. Why did he do it? Well. I now know why and I am the reason. Fuck! I just laid my head back down and closed my eyes. I didn't want to have to tell everyone. I hate myself right now. I hate the thought of having to face him. The thought of losing him.

I finally got up when someone began ringing the doorbell incessantly and pounding on the front door. I drug myself from the table and shakily stood on my feet. My mouth was like cotton and my throat was thick. My head was pounding and my neck and back ached from being slumped over in the chair. I coughed a bit to clear my throat as I made my way to the door. I peered through the viewer to see both of them standing there. I groaned and opened the door.

"Since you wouldn't answer the phone....we had to come over..." I nodded to them and left the door ajar and walked back in to the house. They followed me to the kitchen. I watched Freddie walk over to the counter and start a pot of coffee. I sat back down at the table and laid my head in my folded arms and sighed. Deacy came and sat down next to me. He reached over and put his hand on my head.

"Have you been able to talk to Brian yet?" he asked me. I shook my head and slowly lifted it up. Deacy put his hand on my arm and I sat back in the chair and avoided looking at either of them. I feel like shit! I am a piece of shit!

"No....he wouldn't see me until I went to see Dr. Roberts first.." I explained to them. They both had a confused expression which I expected. I just had to come out and say it. "He wanted me to see our doctor first because I needed to know that I gave Brian fucking gonorrhea!" I blurted out to them. I felt Deacy slip his hand away from me and I wasn't surprised. I wouldn't want to touch me either right now.

"Oh Rog! How did you get..." Freddie began to ask me and then the realization dawned on him. His face grew sullen for a moment and he turned to look at the coffee pot.

"Are you having sex with someone else?" Deacy asked me bluntly. I couldn't look at him and just stared at my hands. My head was still pounding and I pondered taking something but felt I deserved the pain.

"I've had a few people give me blow jobs..." I replied quietly.

"Did Brian know about this? Was this something that was part of your rules?" Freddie asked me. I know he was referring to the rules we once had in place for touring. This wasn't during touring and wasn't anything Brian had known about. I shook my head and Freddie sighed. "I see..." he said back quietly.

"So Brian caught you cheating?" Deacy asked me for clarification. I nodded and closed my eyes. Feeling ashamed.

"Yes.." I told him sadly and felt the return of tears. I fought the desire to cry again and blinked a few times as I bit my bottom lip.

"So you've seen Doctor Roberts....does that mean you can see Brian now?" Freddie asked me. I nodded and sighed.

"I can see him at 1pm tomorrow.." I told him.

"You mean 1pm today....Rog...it's 10 am!" he advised me. I looked up at him with shock. I had not even registered what time of day it was. I glanced over at the clock and was surprised to see the time. I pulled my chair back and went to stand up. Deacy grabbed my arm.

"How about you drink some coffee and eat a little something first..." he suggested. I nodded and sighed as Freddie came over and sat a cup in front of me.

"Your time with Brian might go better if your head is clear..." he advised.

\-----------------

Freddie and Deacy showed their true colors as my friend. They didn't lecture me and just made sure I got some food in my stomach to stave off the hangover and some paracetamol for my pain. Well. My physical pain. Nothing was going to fix my emotional pain right now. I had a shower and found myself troubled to use the razor that sat on the sink. I did though. I wanted to look my best. I felt I needed to do anything I could to ease the weight of what I was feeling about seeing Brian. About him confronting me about my infidelity. I got dressed and headed downstairs to see my friends having some tea and biscuits.

"You look nice....that should help..." Deacy commented as I walked up to the table to get my wallet and keys.

"Thanks Deaks..." I told him. He gave me a confident smile.

"Do you know what you're going to say to him?" Freddie asked me. I shrugged. I don't know. All I know is I had to be completely honest with him. Beg him to forgive me and hope he wouldn't leave. I realized now that I hadn't even thought this far ahead and my stomach churned as I realized he might end our relationship.

"I'm going to be completely honest with him and pray he forgives me....I just hope he will..." I told them. Deacy looked dubious and I didn't like the way it made me feel. "Do you think he will leave me?" I asked them. Not sure I wanted their opinion but needed to know. Freddie seemed a bit more confident.

"I know Brian loves you very much....and I know you love him..." Freddie replied. He stood up and walked over to me and took my hand and looked in to my eyes. "You fucked up Rog! There is no getting around it!" he told me bluntly. I just nodded agreement. I have fucked up! "You just have to own what you've done and show Brian you want to work this out..." he suggested.

"Rog....I think there is more to this than your cheating to be honest...." Deacy chimed in. I looked at him and he seemed pensive. "I think Brian might be depressed or something..." he remarked. "I think what you did was just a part of it...." I know exactly what Deacy meant. I feel there might be more to this myself.

"What makes you think that?" I asked him. I could tell Freddie was intrigued as well. Freddie let go of my hand and stood next to me; looking at Deacy.

"When I saw him...he wasn't acting upset or angry....like someone who had been cheated on....he was kind of...." Deacy replied and stopped short of finishing. I watched him search for the words. "He seemed kind of broken....." Deacy's choice of words chilled me inside. I didn't want to hear this. I think I could deal with upset or angry a lot better than broken. Shit!

"Deaks....I think Brian may have wanted to hurt himself before now..." I told him. His eyes grew wide and his mouth opened a bit in surprise. I noticed Freddie had a similar expression. "I found him with a razor blade one time and I got the feeling he was thinking something bad...feeling out of sorts....I don't know....I just got a bad feeling about him having it..." I explained. Freddie's face was distressed. He turned to me and took my hand again.

"Rog....do you think Brian will be able to go on tour?" he asked me. I hadn't even thought of this and wondered if he was going to be capable of this. I don't know.

"I don't know....I have to see him first and I'll know..." I replied Freddie nodded and smiled at me. 

"Go see him and we will go from there...." he told me. It made sense. I let go of Freddie's hand and picked up my keys from the table.

"Are you waiting here or headed home?" I asked them.

"Whatever you need is what we will do...." Freddie replied. It felt that my friends were here for me. Well. For us both really. It helped. I smiled.

"If you could stay..." I said to them and they both smiled at me.

"We'll be here then...." Deacy replied.

\-------------------

I was placed in a small visiting room with a few chairs and a nice large couch. It was warm and inviting and I was delivered a cup of tea. I sat in one of the chairs and shifted around nervously. I was trying to imagine how this meeting would go and wondered what I could say to Brian to make him understand how sorry I am and that I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. To keep him from breaking up with me. I felt myself get emotional as I tried to imagine how much I've hurt him. The pain that will be in his eyes. I found the box of tissue and pulled one out. Maybe being emotional right now would steel me for when he comes in. I had just dried my eyes and tucked the tissue in my pocket when the door opened. It was Dr. Fischer. I stood up. He walked in and left the door open. He came over to me and extended his hand.

"Good afternoon Roger...how are you today?" he asked me. I shook his hand and tried to smile but it didn't reach my mouth. I feel awkward and embarrassed. Completely self conscious.

"I've been better...to be honest..." I replied quietly. He smiled gently at me.

"As long as your honest...." he told me. I cringed a bit at that reminder of my lies and just nodded. The doctor looked towards the doorway.

"Brian will be here in a minute....they went to get him..." he explained. "Brian has asked me to stay here for your meeting today..." he told me. I was surprised by this but knew I needed to do whatever Brian wanted.

"Alright..." I replied.

"For the first meeting....I would let Brian initiate any physical contact...." he instructed me. I nodded understanding even though it hurt to hear this. I couldn't hug him or kiss him or even touch him unless Brian started it. I hated this. We both remained standing and I heard some noise outside the door. My heart rate sped up as Brian came through the door. And then my heart stopped. He looked so fragile and sad. I almost gasped at how frightened it made me. He was wearing some of the clothes I brought but they just seemed to hang off of him. He seemed smaller to me. His eyes held no shine and he looked flat. His hands were fidgety and he kept grabbing at the hem of his shirt. He wouldn't look me in the eye and seemed agitated. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and make this all go away. I moved to hug him and then remembered I couldn't touch him. I let my arms stay rigid at my side and tried to find a semblance of a smile for him. My stomach knotted intensely.

"Hi Brian....." I told him quietly. He looked at me for just a second and then shifted on his feet and moved towards the couch. It hurt that he didn't say anything back. He sat down and looked at his lap as I resumed sitting in my chair. Dr. Fischer took his seat and directed his attention to Brian.

"Brian...are you ready to start?" The doctor asked him. Brian glanced at me briefly and then back at the doctor and nodded. "Go ahead..." the doctor instructed him. I took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry I tried to hurt myself...." Brian told me in the quietest mouse like voice I had ever heard out of him. My heart ached to hear him admit that he had done this. I nodded to him as he looked down at his shirt hem and picked at the bottom button. He glanced up again at me for just a second and I saw a glint of something different in his eyes. "I want you to know that I didn't mean to end my life....I just wanted to get some sleep.." he glanced over at the doctor who had a steady gaze on him and he was nodding slightly. "But I shouldn't have taken all those pills...." he added. I was relieved to hear this. It helped a lot to know he didn't mean to kill himself. He just was foolish with those pills. Brian kept his eyes focused on his shirt as he spoke. When he finished he looked up at me again. This time he did keep his gaze on me. I felt unsure about what to say and didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"I understand...." I told him softly and smiled as warmly as I could at him. "I'm glad to hear that babe.." I added. He reacted a bit when I called him babe and for a moment I was afraid I had messed up. I feel like we are on pins and needles and one bad move will ruin this moment. His expression hardened and his mouth grew stern.

"Don't call me that..." he told me with pain in his tone and he shook his head as he said it. Shit! I didn't meant to upset him. I immediately nodded and looked at him. His face was showing signs of irritation and I shifted in my seat. Not sure what to do.

"Sorry..." I responded and looked over at the doctor for guidance. He smiled at me and turned to Brian.

"Brian....I think you need to tell Roger how you feel right now...." the doctor told him gently. Brian shared a glance with the doctor and nodded to him. His eyes returned to mine and he seemed like he was searching for something to say. I waited for him. Hoping I didn't upset him too much.

"I feel that since you lied to me you owe me the whole truth of what you've done....I want to know everything! No matter how bad it is...I need to know...." Brian explained to me. I know I owe him this. I know it is time to come clean.

"Alright...." I replied in an amiable tone. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know..." I told him. "Where do you want me to start.." Brian seemed hesitant but then looked determined.

"Who are they?" he asked me. "Who is the person you were with?"

"It was nobody Brian....two different people." I replied honestly. "They didn't mean anything to me...just people who were there and willing during a bad moment for me..." I explained. "Both times I was drunk or high or both..." I added. He was listening to me and he seemed to understand what I was telling him.

"Was one of them Malcolm?" he asked me. I shook my head and half grinned. I understood why he asked about Malcolm McDowell. It made sense.

"No...to be honest Bri...I only knew one of them by name....a girl called Eve..." I confessed. "I never got the name of the other...there were just the two...." I explained. "Both of them were blowjobs Bri...that's all..." I added. Wanting him to know the extent.

"Have you seen either of them since?" he asked next. I shook my head and kept eye contact with him. Making sure he knew I was being completely forthright.

"No...just the one time with each...." I explained. I realized that wasn't the whole tale with Eve though. I knew I needed to tell him everything. He had asked for the complete truth. I swallowed hard and proceeded. 'Before Eve and I did that....well ..I had seen her once before that....we did kiss...but that's it....there is nothing else...no one else...." I confessed to him. He looked like he had absorbed my words and nodded slightly. He looked down at his shirt hem again and fingered the button. A sadness ran over his face. It hurt to see it. It hurt to know I was part of that sadness. He was quiet for a minute and then looked up at me.

"Why did you do it?"

"I don't really know Bri.....I guess I took it pretty hard about becoming a father. ..I wanted to feel young....I wanted to feel alive..." I expressed to him. His face shifted and he seemed unhappy.

"You don't feel alive with me? You don't feel young with me?" he asked me. "Do I make you feel old?" I wasn't sure how to answer this. I don't believe that is true. Then I realized I knew the answer.

"It's not you Brian...it's me!" I told him. "You did nothing wrong....it's all on me..." I tried to convey him. He didn't seem convinced. I needed him to understand this was my fault. It made me a little angry that he didn't believe me. I leaned forward in my chair and I began pointing at myself. "I'm a piece of shit Brian! I got drunk...I did drugs....I put myself in situations I shouldn't have...and didn't say no when propositioned....it's my fault!" I argued to him. Brian was shaken by my outburst and began crying. He wouldn't look at me and slipped one of his hands in to his hair and was gripping at his hairline. I fought a compulsion to stand up and go pull his hand away. I felt bad that I had brought on his tears but I felt close to them myself. I wiped my hand over my face in an attempt to stop any tears from falling. "Please don't cry Brian....I'm sorry I upset you....I'm sorry about all this...I love you so much and I'm sorry I've hurt you..." I pleaded to him. I put my face in my hands and tried to get control of my emotions but the tears poured out. I let them. It helped. We both stayed quiet for a whole trying to sort ourselves out. I finally surfaced and grabbed some tissues to clean my face. I noticed Brian wiping his eyes with his shirt sleeve.

"How do I know you won't just do it again?" Brian suddenly asked me. It was a fair question. One that deserved an honest answer.

"Bri....I would love to say it would never happen again....and my intent is that it never will..." I told him in complete truthfulness. "I can tell you right now I never want to make you feel this way again...I don't want to be this person...I don't want to hurt you..."

Brian looked at me intently for a few minutes. I felt he was trying to read my mind. My heart. My soul. I hoped he would find what he needed to be able to accept what I've said and find a way for us to go forward together. I sat and waited for him to continue.

"If I come home and don't want to share a room with you....is that going to be a problem?" Brian asked me. The fact that he was considering not even coming home made my heart ache. I want him home. I need him with me. I need to know he is okay and I want him with Tiger Lily. I would take whatever I could get for now.

"No...it won't be a problem...I'll move to the guest room...." I replied. "Whatever you need...I'll be okay with it.." I assured him. He shared a warmer look with me and I felt heartened by it. It was something to hang on to.

"If I don't come home....will you still let me see Tiger Lily?" he asked me. His eyes seemed distant again. It hurt to hear him say this. Ask this. Of course I would let him see her. I would never deny her Brian's love. Or deny Brian of hers.

"Of course you can Bri....I would never not let you see her...she loves you....you love her...you can see her whenever you want...." I promised. He seemed satisfied with my response. I was glad. He looked over at the doctor. I kept watching Brian.

"Brian...did you have anything else you wanted to ask Roger today?" the doctor asked him. Brian shook his head. The doctor turned to me. "Roger....was there anything you wanted to ask Brian or wanted to say to him?" he offered. I nodded and thought about what I wanted to ask first.

"Brian...I first want to apologize for not being honest with you about my behavior these past months. I want you to know these incidents happened when we were fighting and I was struggling with coming to terms with being a father and my life changing so much. I know I've behaved horribly and I don't deserve your forgiveness. I want to work to gain your trust again and I want you to come home....even if it means I need to be in the guest room. I want you to be with Tiger Lily. She needs you. You need her. I need you too. I need you to see I'm serious about being a better husband. Please give me a chance to show you I mean it." 

Brian listened to my impassioned speech and didn't say a word. I wasn't sure what to make of it. It made me really anxious.

"Roger....is there anything else?" the doctor asked me after a few minutes had passed. There was something I needed to know. I wanted to make sure the doctor knew as well.

"Yes...". I replied. I looked directly at Brian and swallowed hard. I hated this but felt it was necessary. "I need to know about the razors Brian..." I said to him. His eyes grew wide and then he immediately grabbed the hem of his shirt and wouldn't look at me. His mouth trembled and he seemed a bit agitated. I felt horrible confronting him. "I'm sorry to ask you but I need to know if you had thought about hurting yourself before Bri....those times when you had the razor..." He kept his eyes focused on his shirt hem. I turned to look at the doctor for help.

"Brian....we need to talk about this.....can you answer Roger?" the doctor asked him. Brian finally looked up and had tears in his eyes. My heart ached as his mouth trembled and he gripped the bottom of his shirt in both hands. He looked so fragile I thought me might break. 

"I did think about it...." he told us in a shaky voice. Tears spilled out of his eyes and he sniffed and wiped at his eyes and nose before he continued. My insides were knotted sitting and watching him struggle. "I won't do it again..." he finally said to us. It felt good to hear it but I wondered if this was true.

"Brian....is there something that you feel will keep you from doing this in the future?" the doctor asked him gently. Brian nodded quickly and looked right at me. His eyes were full of tears and pain and it tore me up to see him this way. I gripped the bottom of my chair to keep from getting up and going to him. I wanted to comfort him so badly. I hate this!

"I promise I won't....because of Tiger Lily..." he told us both. I believed him. His expression was a mix of pain and love and I could see in his eyes that he wouldn't do anything to hurt her. I nodded understanding to him.

"I know how much you love her...." I told him. "She loves you so much Bri...." I reminded him with a shakiness in my voice. He nodded and looked back down at his shirt hem. He wiped his face again with his shirt sleeve. I felt myself getting emotional again but tried to swallow it down. I really wanted to stay focused on the conversation. Brian seemed to calm down a bit.

"Was there anything else Roger?" I shook my head and couldn't think of anything else to say at the moment. I didn't want to wear Brian out. He already seemed drained. I know I feel weary.

"Brian....how are you feeling about your home situation right now?" the doctor asked him. Brian looked at the doctor and then glanced at me again. He kept his eyes on me and I hoped he was feeling good about coming back. 

"You really hurt me Rog...." he told me in a strained voice. I hated hearing this but he needed to say it. I nodded agreement and kept listening. "I'm not sure what to do about trusting you..." he added. I got it! I would have to earn it again.

"You're right....I'll have to earn your trust again...I know that..." I assured him. He seemed happy to hear this. He glanced at the doctor again and then back at me.

"I need some time to think about what I want to do..." it wasn't ideal to hear this but it was better than him saying he wasn't coming home. I nodded to him.

"That makes sense...." I told him. The doctor smiled at us both. 

"Brian and I need to work on some things before we determine when he might be leaving here..." the doctor informed me. "Brian is worried about the tour....he wants to prepared for it when he leaves...so we have some things to work out..." I was glad to hear Brian was thinking about the bigger picture. It felt encouraging that he wasn't just absorbed in his feelings. 

"Whatever you need....I'll do it!" I assured them both. "I've got to go to Truro and get Tigs and Clare so I'll be gone for two days." I explained to them. "I can let you know when I'm back or you can call when you've made a decision..." I told Brian. He nodded lightly and resumed looking at his shirt. He didn't seem to be avoiding me so I felt heartened by it and would take what I can get. 

"Roger...let us know when you've returned..." the doctor informed me. He stood up and walked over to me. "I think we need to stop for today..." he advised me. "Brian needs to rest..." It made sense and I stood up myself. I looked over at Brian. He remained seated and looked at me with indecision in his eyes. I wanted so bad to go over and hug him and kiss him and promise him everything he needs. But I can't. I smiled at him.

"Get some rest....I'll talk to you soon...alright?" I told him. He nodded to me and had the only glimpse of a smile I had seen the whole meeting. It meant everything to see it. The doctor motioned towards the door. I hesitated and looked at Brian. Wishing he would get up or motion to me for a hug or do anything. I felt helpless and it hurt. I started for the doorway and stopped and turned to him.

"I love you Brian....that will never change...no matter what you decide..." I said to him. He nodded understanding to me and I walked out the door.


	43. Don't Try Suicide - Part 6

10 January 1976

London

Brian's POV

I didn't even realize it was a New Year. But I guess new year, new me? I'm trying to find a new me. A better me. One that can cope with all the bad thoughts that linger in my head and make me crazy. Dr. Fischer had me try a medication for my symptoms but it made me so drowsy and dizzy I couldn't stay on it. So he had a new one for me to try. It isn't as bad to get used to but I feel weird taking it. Taking anything to be honest. I'm actually a bit afraid of pills after what I did. I'm glad that someone else is giving them to me each day. I don't like the idea of a full bottle sitting on my counter. Glaring at me. Inviting trouble.

I have to decide today where I'm going when I leave here. We leave in ten days for the tour and I have to have time to adjust to being out of the clinic before we go. I also have to figure out how to manage myself while we are gone for three months. It feels a bit overwhelming but the doctor and I have talked about it and he agrees that getting busy with work will be good for me. So where to live? Only one place feels right. But it also feels wrong. Or off. I don't know.

I want to go home and sleep in my own bed. I want to see Tiger Lily. I want to see Clare. But Roger is there too. I still don't know how I feel about us. About him. I hate how complicated this is. I guess I need to go and see how we are together in the house. How it is to be around him again after everything. His infidelity really hurt. His lying about it hurt the most. Him doing it twice really makes it hard. How do I trust he won't do it again? He seems to have a need inside him. A desire to be famous and adored and admired. It's something beyond what I need from our success. But I know it's there. I feel it's part of what made him do this. So what do I do about it? Or more importantly, what does he do about it? I guess we will see.

I've come up with a plan and I need to let Roger know. He's coming today to see me. I guess I'll see how he feels about it all. At this point, it's up to him. I see the doctor before he arrives. This will help me talk to Roger about my plans.

\-----------

"How are you feeling about going home?" Dr Fischer asked me as we sat down to talk.

"I know I need to get back in a routine that's in a normal setting. This is the only way I can be prepared to go on tour. I have to be available for rehearsal and meetings and such. So I need to go. I'm nervous but feeling better than I did a few days ago. Talking to you has really helped.." I explained to him. He seemed happy with my thoughts. He tapped his pen against his folder.

"Brian...how are you feeling about Roger?" I guess this is the big question.

"I'm still unsure. I think I can go home but I'm not going to be able to share my bed with him. I just can't. It wouldn't feel right...I'm not ready to decide what do to about us..." I told him. "But I want to see the baby and Clare. I want to be in my home again. Sleep in my own room....so I guess I'll ask him to take the guest room for now..."

"Well I think that seems reasonable...." the doctor replied. "Now I have a concern about your care on the road. I think we need to look at getting you some help. Since you and Roger aren't restored in your relationship, you can't shouldn't rely on him for any help right now. It seems like someone needs to be there for you...to make sure you are doing well...eating and sleeping properly...taking your medication...monitoring you...do you understand?" It made sense. Having someone there to help me felt reassuring. I know I'll be at my best with some assistance.

"I like the idea..."

"Well let's look into that...now let's talk about your decision about being with Roger. I feel like you should take this time to think long and hard about your well being and how your relationship impacts this. I know you love Roger and you have been together for some time, but it's important to consider how healthy this relationship is for you...emotionally. We've talked about the challenges you face being in a homosexual partnership and now is the time to consider if you want to return to these stresses when you are dealing with your emotional issues Brian....don't make any rush decisions about your marriage...consider everything carefully. For your long term well being ..." he suggested to me. I feel this is prudent. Now is the time to really think about my future and if it should be with him. I nodded understanding.

"I will give it all serious consideration and I won't rush in to any decisions..." I confirmed to him. He seemed happy to hear this.

"Are you ready to see Roger?" he asked me. I wasn't sure I would ever really be ready to face leaving and going home to the same house with him. But I need to. I'll never know how I go forward until I take the first step.

"I'm very anxious about it but I think I'm okay doing this today...I want to take the next step.." I told him. He smiled warmly at me and leaned over and patted my arm.

"Brian....you will find your way and be able to manage your emotional health and your life....it is going to take you some time and some work...but you will be alright...." he assured me. I smiled back and really felt good for the first time in a while. Feeling like I can accomplish something important. "After you meet with Roger, we will go over your action plan for when you leave here...alright?" he told me.

"Okay...that sounds good..."

\----------------------

I stayed in Dr. Fischer's office and waited for Roger to arrive. I was extremely nervous as this is the first step in leaving here. It has been a sanctuary to me since I arrived. I've felt safe and cared for and I hope I can manage without the support system that exists here. I don't want to put too much on others to help me. I don't want my parents to know what happened. It would break my mother's heart. I can't let my father find out. If he knew about this and about Roger's infidelity, he would be against me ever reconciling with him. If that is what I decide I want. I can't risk that being another problem I have with this whole situation. It is just better that they don't know. Roger didn't tell his mother either but I know that Clare is aware of it all. She has to be. How is Roger going to live in the guest room without her wondering why? It's unfortunate that we have to keep secrets, but it is our private business at the end of the day.

I heard them coming and felt my pulse race as Dr. Fischer and Roger came in to his office. I stood up as they walked in and Roger smiled at me. It was nice to see it. I've always loved his smile so much. I tried to give him a semblance of one back but I feel it looked awkward. Roger was dressed up and his hair was perfect. It made my shabby appearance seem worse but he didn't seem to care. I could tell Roger wanted to hug me. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have thought a lot about us as friends. Despite what has happened, I still like Roger and respect him as a musician. I don't want to lose him as a band mate and friend. I hope him knowing this will make all this easier. No matter what happens to us as partners and lovers. Dr. Fischer motioned for us to sit down so it took the uneasiness of whether to hug off of us both. I resumed my seat on the couch and Roger sat in a chair next to Dr. Fischer.

"Hi Brian..." Roger told me in a soft voice as he took a seat.

"Hi Rog..." I replied. I wanted it to feel friendly. His smile widened when I responded.

"Alright....I think Brian has made some decisions Roger and wants to share them with you....so Brian are you ready to talk to Roger?" the doctor asked me. I nodded and tried to smile a little better. I hoped Roger would take it as a good sign. I sat up and gave him my full attention. It felt good to be able to look at him and not feel so anxious. It has become a little easier to see him again.

"I have decided to come home...but I want my own room for now..." I told him. Roger looked a little disappointed but tried to hide it with a nod and a forced smile. I feel bad but this is a situation he created. "I plan to be ready to leave for our tour as scheduled and the doctor and I have discussed having someone come along to help me out while we are away. Someone who can make sure I'm doing okay and not depending on everyone else for help.." I explained.

"Bri...I'm happy to help you with whatever you need..." Roger assured me. I shook my head.

"I know that but for now I need someone else....I can't let you helping me get in the way of my making decisions about us in the future..." I explained to him. He seemed caught off guard by my remark.

"Oh....okay.." he told me quietly. I could tell he wasn't happy to hear this but it was just how things are.

"We are going to get something arranged right away so Brian will be good to go for your tour..." the doctor told Roger. He seemed to realize this was not negotiable. I was relieved. 

"Whatever you feel is best..." Roger told us both. He seemed resigned to the fact. 

"I would like it if you could drive me home..." I asked Roger. He immediately brightened at my suggestion and smiled at me.

"Absolutely!" He told me. "When are you planning to leave?" I turned to the doctor for clarification. 

"Well...Brian and I need to to discuss his plan for home and touring. After that, it is up to him." I felt like it was time. 

"How about this evening?" I asked Roger. He nodded immediately.

"I'll be here at 5.." He replied. 

\---------------

Roger's POV

I finished an important errand and arrived at The Priory a few minutes before 5pm. I checked myself in the mirror of the car before getting out. I want to look my best and make a good impression. I went to the reception area and was told to wait there. A few minutes later a porter came out with a cart and had Brian's things. We went outside and I placed them in the car before we returned to the waiting area. I am really nervous and tried to play it cool. I want him home so badly and am grateful he at least agreed to come home. I'm not thrilled he won't share a room with me but I guess I deserve it. But him being there is a start. 

Brian came out the door and looked anxious as I stood up to greet him. He had his day bag and a folder as he walked over to me. 

"You ready?" I asked him. He nodded but remained silent. We headed out the door and I noticed Brian hesitate before stepping over the threshold. I felt bad for him and without thinking reached out my hand to him. Surprisingly he took it and it felt so good. I squeezed it gently and smiled at him

"Let's get you home...". I told him gently. He nodded and took the first step out. I was glad I could at least help him in this way. He let go of my hand as we headed towards the car. We both got inside and I started the car. "Clare is going to have something ready for us for dinner..." I told Brian. He smiled at me but didn't say anything. I pulled out and headed for home.

It was a pretty quite drive and he mostly stared out the window. We arrived and I pulled in to the driveway. We both got out and Brian went to get his things from the back seat.

"Don't worry about your things...I'll get them.." I told him. He smiled and seemed anxious about going inside. I had a surprise for him so I hope it will encourage him to go inside. "Hey Bri....you better get inside...there is someone who really misses you and can't wait to see you.." I told him. He glanced at the door and then back at me and nodded. He walked over and opened it and looked inside. He glanced at me again and then stepped in. I was happy to see him go in. I know three girls that will be thrilled he is home. I came in behind him so I could see the happy reunion before I grab his bags.

"Brian!" Clare shouted and ran from the kitchen over to him as we came inside. She threw her arms around him and he accepted her hug. "I'm so glad you're home....we've missed you!" she told him. He seemed happy to see her and smiled as he embraced her. She loosened her hold after a minute and kissed his cheek. He laughed a little and kissed her cheek back. It was good to see them together and smiling.

"I missed you too.." Brian told her. 

"Biimii!" Tigs shouted at Brian and his face burst in to a huge smile as Clare let him go and he walked over to the high chair. Tiger Lily was eating her dinner but reached up towards Brian as he approached her. He bent down to her level and he wobbled on his feet and grabbed the table suddenly. He seemed dizzy and I ran over to his side to make sure he didn't fall. It scared me.

"Are you alright?" I asked him as he steadied himself. He let me help him up to a standing position. Brian ran his hand over his forehead and sighed. 

"Yeah....it's my medication...it made me a bit dizzy..." he told me as I let him move out of my grip. I had never thought about him having to take any medications and wondered what he was on and what other side effects there were. It left me a little unsettled to see him like this.

"What are you taking? What's it for?" I ask him. He seemed uncomfortable and leaned over to me.

"Can we talk about this later?" he replied. I nodded and he went back over and pulled up a chair to sit by the baby. Clare watched him and seemed concerned. I shook my head at her to let it go for now. She signaled understanding and went to the oven. Brian handed Tigs some of her food and began speaking to her as she watched him closely. They seemed happy to see each other and I enjoyed watching him help her finish her meal. Clare pulled a dish from the oven and smiled largely at all of us.

"Who's ready for dinner?" 

\------------------

"Can I put Tigs to bed?" Brian asked as he finished eating his dinner.

"Sure.." I replied. Clare was still eating and it would give her a break. Brian got up from his chair and walked his dishes to the sink.

"Dinner was really good...thanks for making it..." Brian told Clare as he walked past her. She smiled at him.

"My pleasure..." she replied. Brian came back in and cleaned up Tiger Lily before he pulled her from her high chair.

"We'll be up to say goodnight..." I told him as he got her settled in his arms. 

"Okay..." he said and took off towards the stairs. Clare and I watched him leave and she waited until he was out of earshot.

"How do you think he's doing?" Clare asked me. It seemed like he was okay for the most part. He had been quiet as we ate dinner and I'm sure he is tired. 

"I think he is doing alright....he wanted to put Tigs to bed...that's a good sign.." I told her.

"Squeaky!" I heard Brian yell from upstairs. Clare and I smiled at each other when we realized Brian had discovered his real surprise. I got up from the table and ran to the stairs. I went up and found Brian and Tiger Lily sitting on the bed petting Brian's beloved tortoiseshell cat.

"Rog! When did you get her?" he asked me. Brian was thrilled to see her and was showing Tiger Lily his other baby girl.

"I brought her home this morning....I told your mother you were working and I wanted to surprise you...don't worry...your mother doesn't know about the clinic..." I assured him. He nodded understanding and helped Tiger Lily touch Squeaky's tummy. The cat was rolled on her side and purring contentedly.

"So is she staying since Clare and Tigs will be home during our tour?" he asked me excitedly. 

'Yeah....I figured we have a real home now and Clare told me it wasn't a problem for her to take care of the cat..." I explained to him. I walked over and stood by the bed and watched them play with the cat. Brian scooted over and gestured for me to sit down. I felt heartened that he invited me in and knelt down gently to sit on the bed next to him. I reached over and rubbed on Squeaky's head with my fingers.

"Hey girl....your daddy sure is glad to see you..." I told her. She remained relaxed and enjoyed all the attention. 

"Can you say cat?" Brian asked Tigs as they stroked her fur. They worked on her new word a few times. I sat and watched Brian and Tiger Lily play with the cat for a while. Brian finally got up and gathered up the baby for bedtime.

"C'mon poppet....let's get ready for bed..." he told her gently. "We can play with Squeaky again tomorrow..." he carried her out of the room and in to her nursery. I got up from the bed and walked over to stand in the doorway. Brian didn't seem to mind. I watched him get her changed and dressed for bed. His usual caring manner was present and he talked to her gently as he sat down in the rocking chair and read her a story. I slipped away from the room and went and grabbed some of my things from the bedroom and took them to the guest room. I didn't have much time today to move my things so I tried to get what I needed for tonight. When I finished I returned to the nursery and walked over to kiss Tigs good night. Brian was getting ready to lay her down in her cot. I reached over and kissed her before he put her down.

"Goodnight baby girl....I love you..." I told her and ran my fingers over her little hand. She was already sleepy and easily laid back on the mattress. Brian got her tucked in and we both walked out of the room.

"I need to talk to you..." Brian told me as we reached the landing. I nodded and walked in to the bedroom. I went to my nightstand and grabbed my water glass. I went in to the bathroom and filled it with water and came out. Brian was standing by the door. He closed it and stood against the wall.

"What's on your mind?" I asked him; trying to keep this easy for him. He looked at me intently.

"Thank you for bringing Squeaky here...it really means a lot to me...." he told me sincerely. I smiled at him. I was thrilled he was so happy to see her.

"I figured she could keep you company in here....I know she likes to sleep with you..." I told him. He smiled and nodded as we both looked over at the sleeping cat nestled on the bed.

"I really appreciate it..." he said. "I need you to do something for me..." he asked me. 

"Whatever you need..." I told him. He walked over to his bags and pulled out two bottles of pills. He came over and handed them to me.

"I don't want to keep them in here...." he said to me in a quiet voice. "Maybe you could keep them for me and just give me my medicine when I'm supposed to take it. Just until we go on tour...." he asked me. I understood why he didn't want full bottles of medication in the room. I could see that it made him nervous.

"I'll be happy to..." I told him with a warm smile. "I'll just have your pills for you in the kitchen for you to take each morning and then what you need at night...." I explained. He smiled and nodded to me.

"I've got my sleeping pill for tonight on the bathroom counter....thanks Rog....I appreciate it..." he replied. I kept a grip on the bottles and looked at him.

"Anything else?" I asked him. He looked around the room and shook his head.

"I think I might go ahead and get ready for bed....it's been a long day...I'm tired..." he told me.

"I understand...." I told him. I walked to the door and turned to him before I opened it. "Thanks for choosing to come home Brian....it means a lot to have you here.....knowing you are safe and okay....well...I'm glad you're home..." I said to him. He looked at me and nodded but didn't say anything. I left the room and went to close the door.

"Leave it open....." he told me. "For Squeaky...." he added. 

"Oh yeah.....she might need out.." I agreed. I walked to my room and sat down on the bed and read over his pill bottles. One was for sleep and the other didn't clearly say what it was for. I didn't recognize the name and wondered if it was to help with his bad thoughts and his sad feelings. I should have asked the doctor. I considered calling in the morning. I put the pills on my dresser and found my pajamas. I went ahead and changed and headed downstairs. I helped Clare clean up the dinner dishes and she went to watch her favorite television program. I felt restless and headed upstairs. I considered listening to the radio in my room. It felt strange to not be going to my bedroom but this was our new situation. I walked past Brian's room and saw him sitting in bed with Squeaky tucked in to his side.

"Hey Rog....got a minute?" he asked me. I stopped and walked inside.

"Sure..." I said. I noticed he had a notebook in his lap and seemed to be in the process of writing in it. I wondered if he was working on a song.

"There is something we didn't talk about today with Dr. Fischer..." he told me. I was curious what it was.

"What is it?" I asked him. He looked at me intently.

"I think there is a part of you that is unfulfilled Rog...." he started. "I feel like one of the reasons you did what you did is that there is a part of you that wants to live some fantasy about being a rock star...about being the object of desire for the fans..." he explained to me. I didn't agree with this and started to object.

"Hey Bri...I don't..." he cut me off.

"Please hear me out..." he told me. I stopped and nodded to him. I would listen to him.

"Okay..."

"Rog...I feel like we got together fairly young and maybe us being together so long caused you to miss out on something that is important to you....something you need....I think we should take a break while I decide what I want to do about us for the long term.....and you should see other people....have your fantasy......decide if you really want a real commitment......you know...make sure that you want this....for the long haul..." he told me. I didn't like any of this and felt completely threatened by it. I felt like he was trying to find an out to end our relationship.

"No!" I told him firmly. He shook his head.

"Rog....please think about it...." he said to me firmly. "I need to know that you've got this need....this desire....out of your system....before I can even think about us being together in the future...." he told me.

"I don't want anyone else Bri.....I just want to be with you..." I argued to him. He looked unhappy and turned his head to look out the window instead of at me.

"Please think about it..." he repeated to me. I hate this! I hate him telling me I need go cheat some more and get it out of my system. I know I screwed up but this feels like a form of punishment. I don't want this. It feels like I will just lose him.

"What if I don't feel I need this?" I asked him. "I screwed up Brian....I know that....I don't want to do this....I just want to prove to you I can be faithful....I can be a good husband to you....please..." I pleased. "Don't ask me to do this....." 

"I don't trust you Rog..." he replied to me and wouldn't look at me. "I can't even think about being with you again until I feel you've worked through this..." he added. I'm angry and don't agree with him. I hate this!

"Was this your idea or the doctors?" I asked heatedly as I walked out the room.

"Mine..." he answered. I kept walking and slammed my bedroom door. I laid down on the bed and skipped the radio. I don't feel restless anymore. I feel like this is a really bad idea. I feel like I'm being set up to fail.


	44. Are You Ready for A Show? Part 1

14 January 1976

London

Roger's POV

"Did you say 1 million?" I asked John Reid to confirm his statement to us. Because it seemed unbelievable. He smiled and nodded to me as we all sat in our meeting in his offices.

"Yes...I said 1 million...and that is just here in the UK Roger..." he told me with confidence. I quickly caught the glow emanating off Freddie's face. He had to be ecstatic that his song has sold so many copies. It suddenly dawned on me that this would translate to my royalties for the B-side of the single. Fuck! I'm rich!

"Congratulations to you all and of course Freddie...another Ivor Novello award! You now have bookends I believe!" John announced to us. I couldn't help the huge smile that erupted on my face. I turned to see Brian looking shocked but happy. Deacy was the same. Freddie and I quickly shared a knowing glance. We are going to make a lot more money from this than they both will.

"How about some celebrating?" John suggested as he handed out checks to us all. Freddie practically looked smug as he took the envelope from Mr. Reid. I took mine as well and felt butterflies as I opened it up. I couldn't believe the figure on the check. It was for 6 thousand fucking pounds! My heart almost stopped and I immediately set the envelope down and gripped the table edge to keep a hold of myself. I looked over at Brian and he seemed thrilled with the contents of his envelope. I wondered how much his was for. He set it down and we shared a smile. "This is just a portion of what's to come gentleman!" Reid remarked.

"So everything is set for your tour.....I've got your itineraries there for you..." John told us as he pointed to the folders laying down in front of us. I opened mine and looked over the details.

"Brian..the accommodations for your travel companions are all taken care of..." John told Brian. I hated the reminder that he would have someone coming along to take care of him for the tour. I wanted to do this but he wouldn't let me. I kept my feelings to myself as Brian thanked John and we went over the tour information. Gerry Stickells, our tour manager, was here at the meeting and provided details for each city. I tried to listen and stay focused but I've been distracted by my personal situation most days.

Brian and I have settled in to our new home existence. He has our room and I'm sleeping in the guest bed. He shares his bed with Squeaky and I'm alone. I know it's my own fault ending up here, but it doesn't make it any easier. I miss him. I miss being with him and being able to touch him. You don't realize how much you need to touch someone you love. Brian sat and listened to the meeting but I found myself watching him. Noticing the gentle way his hand glides over the pages as he makes notes. His lovely long fingers curled around his pen. I watched as he unconsciously played with a long hanging curl from his hair. He probably needs a haircut but if he never trimmed his locks again that would be fine by me. I missed being able to touch them; wrapping my own fingers inside a silken coil. His warm eyes danced across the pages in front of him and then focused on the person speaking. They seemed calmer than when he first came home. It was good to see. His medications and getting back to a routine seem to be helping. He said he felt better and he has been sleeping a lot. I wish I could say the same. I've had quite a few sleepless nights. 

"Anyone have any questions?" Gerry asked as he finished his presentation. I had no idea what he had said but just smiled and kept quiet. 

"Alright....before we finish up....Caroline had something to show everyone..." John announced. Our public relations rep reached over and pulled out a stack of magazines. She got up and walked around the room and smiled as she came over to Brian.

"Congratulations poll winners and here's to Brian on his first time gracing the cover of Record Mirror & Disc magazine!" she announced to us. She laid down a copy of the magazine and it had a beautiful photo of Brian performing on stage. He was wearing his Zandra Rhodes tunic and it showed of his Red Special as well. I watched Brian look over his first cover and felt proud. He seemed self conscious about it.

"You're looking quite glam darling!" Freddie remarked to Brian  
"You're looking quite glam darling!" Freddie remarked to Brian. Brian turned a bit red and smirked at Freddie's compliment.

"I'm not quite the cover boy that Rog is..." Brian quipped to him and glanced at me quickly with a warm smile.

"Don't sell yourself short Bri....you look amazing!" I replied. Brian's blush continued and he looked over his picture again.

"A lot better than my mousy picture a year back..." Deacy told him. We all laughed lightly at his self-deprecating comment. Everyone started standing up to leave and I grabbed my check and folder. Brian stood up and leaned over to me.

"I guess I'll see you later..." he told me. "I'm headed off for my tour physical and then I see Dr. Fischer...." he reminded me. 

"Okay....I'm going to the bank...." I told him as I clenched the check in my hand. He smiled at me and I wondered if he wanted me to deposit his check. "Do you want me to deposit your check?" I asked him. He seemed hesitant and then smiled and walked over to the table. He pulled the check out and signed the back.

"I appreciate it...." he told me and handed me his check. I took it and stuck it inside my own envelope without looking at it. "Just deposit it to checking....but don't forget to withdraw some cash for us for the tour..." he asked. I nodded. "Thanks for taking care of paying the bills and the bank account Rog...it's helped to not have to worry about it." I smiled and felt good that he mentioned this. It had felt mature and responsible to take over our finances while he was in the clinic and take care of business so to speak.

"It's no problem Bri...I was happy to do it..." I told him. "Maybe we can sit down and go everything tonight before we leave for tour..." I suggested. "Make sure everything is set up for Clare and the baby..." he nodded and headed for the door.

"Alright....see you tonight..."

\------------------------ 

"I forgive you..." he told me as he sat on the edge of my bed in the dark. I looked up in surprise as Brian gazed down at me in the moonlight coming in from my window. He leaned down and kissed me and my entire body pulsed with excitement as I put my arms around his neck. He pushed my blanket away from me and ran his hand up under my shirt. His fingers on me felt like magic and I moaned as he slipped his tongue into my mouth and pressed himself up against me. I put one of my hands in his hair and grasped it in my fist as we began kissing passionately. He spread my legs with his knee and settled himself on top of me and proceeded to grind against me as he pushed me down in to the mattress.

My eyes flew open and I groaned when I heard Tiger Lily crying. Fuck! It was just a dream! I stumbled out of bed and walked down the hallway. Incredibly annoyed that my dream was cut off at such a wonderful moment. Clare came to her doorway but I waived her back to bed as I went in to Tigs's room to find her standing up in her cot and crying. I reached over and picked her up to calm her down.

"Hey Tigs...what's got you upset baby girl?" I asked her softly as I hugged her close and checked her forehead to make sure she wasn't sick. She felt okay and I bounced her gently in my arms. "Did you have a bad dream?" I asked her as I walked around the room and cuddled her. She started to quiet down and relax in my arms. "I was having a marvelous dream when you woke me up..." I told her quietly as I went and sat down in the rocking chair with her. "Your daddy and I were kissing and making up..." I cooed to her and kissed her softly on the nose. I began rocking her gently in the chair. "I hope my dream comes true..." I whispered to her as she began drifting off in my arms. I only rocked her for a few more minutes and was certain she was fast asleep. I got up slowly and took her back to her cot. I laid her down and covered her up and tucked the blanket around her legs since it is so cold. I was missing my own blankets right now since I didn't have her warmth against me any more. 

I slipped out of her room and found myself walking over to look in on Brian. His door was open because of the cat and I peeked in to watch him sleep. He was facing the door so I could just make out his face. It was peaceful and sweet as he laid on his side and had a pillow pressed in to his arms. Squeaky was asleep in the middle of my side of the bed and was curled up but looking at me in the dark. I could make out the glow of her eyes in the moonlight. I wrapped my arms around me and felt a chill as I slowly walked back to my room. Wishing I could just slip in next to him and take that pillow's place.

\---------------------- 

19 January 1976

"I'm going to take this suitcase if that's okay with you..." I asked Brian. He looked at the one I was referring to.

"That's fine..." he replied. I opened it up on my side of the bed and began packing the stack of clothes I had pulled from the dresser and cupboard. It was time to pack for the tour and I couldn't do it from my temporary bedroom. My clothes are still in our room. I went over my list as I packed and watched as Brian did the same. We leave tomorrow so we have to finish packing by mid day. The courier is coming for our things in a few hours. I went to the bathroom and grabbed my special nightstand bag. I went through it to make sure everything I needed was in there. I found a bottle of lube and laughed to myself as I considered tossing it. I tried to stay optimistic and kept it in the bag. I found the large bag of things we bought at the chemist and pulled out the extra toothpaste and deodorant and packed these items. I left the remaining items out for Brian to get. I laughed as I noticed the electric razor sitting on the counter. I had replaced our safety razors with electric ones. The shave isn't quite as close but felt it took the pressure off of Brian. He had laughed and smiled at me when he first noticed it. It was nice to make him laugh. I still had my safety razor in my travel bag and planned to take it with me.

I carried my things to my suitcase and went over my list to make sure everything was packed. I waited for Brian to step away from the cupboard to double check that my travel outfit was hanging up for tomorrow. Everything looked good. I crossed it off my list and closed my final suitcase.

"I'm done....I'm going to take these downstairs..." I told him. He nodded as he focused on his own list and packed his socks. I made my way down with my largest case and walked it to the front room. I sat it down and headed back to get my remaining bags. The doorbell rang and I immediately checked my watch. Shit! I was afraid we had run out of time for the courier but it was still at least an hour. I walked back to the door and opened it.

"Surprise!" it was my mother. What was she doing here today? She was supposed to arrive on the 21st! She threw her arms open to me so I leaned in and hugged her as she came in to the house. I saw the taxi driving off and her suitcases were on the driveway.

"What are you doing here today?" I asked her. She smiled at me and kissed my cheek.

"You are going to be gone for so long and I wanted to see you both before you leave..." she explained as she handed me her coat. I took it and walked over to hang it up. "I know you think I only care about Tiger Lily these days but it's not true!" she remarked as I grabbed my own coat so I could go out and get her luggage. 

"I know...I know...it's good to see you..." I told her and opened the door to step outside. "Let me get your things.." I told her and walked out and closed the door behind me. The air is frigid with the winter chill and I wrapped my coat around me as I grabbed her two heavy bags. I thought I packed heavily! I trundled back to the door and opened it and carried her bags inside. Feeling like her early arrival is going to be a problem. A big one!

"Winnie! What a surprise!" Brian stated as he came down the stairs. He walked up and gave her a big hug and she kissed his cheek as they embraced. "It's good to see you...I didn't think we would get a chance to see you before we left..." Brian remarked as he looked over at me with surprise. I shrugged and tried to convey my own surprise at her early arrival.

"Brian....I had to see my boys before you leave so here I am!" she replied to him. He smiled and carried his bag from the stairs over to sit next to mine. He leaned in towards me and whispered.

"Did you know about this?" he asked me. I shook my head slightly.

"No! I swear! She was supposed to arrive on the 21st.." I told him. He sighed and dropped his case and walked back towards the stairs. He began to climb back up and I sat my mother's suitcases down. "Clare and the baby are in the kitchen..." I told her as she looked around. I followed Brian up the stairs. I got to our room as he was picking up another case to carry down. He walked over to me.

"And what are we doing about the sleeping arrangements tonight?" he asked me as he walked by. Shit! My mother uses the guest room. I know if I don't sleep in my bedroom she is going to ask questions. Fuck! I walked to the guest room and began quickly pulling my things out of there before my mother could come up the stairs. I dropped my stuff in my room and went to find some clean sheets for the guest bed. I got the dirty ones pulled off as I saw my mother walking in to the room. 

"Roger...don't worry about that....I can change the sheets.." she told me. "I came early so I expect you weren't prepared for me..." she remarked as she came over and took the sheets from my hands.

"No...we aren't prepared..." I told her truthfully. I kissed her cheek as she began making the bed and walked back to my own room. "Not prepared at all...." I muttered as I considered how to tell Brian we had to share the bed tonight. 

\--------------------- 

"I guess we need to get some sleep..." I Brian as we sat around watching television in the sitting room. We had ate a nice homemade meal and my mother and Clare were engrossed in some movie and Brian and I had joined them just to be sociable. It is also our last night before we leave and wanted to spend time with them. Brian wasn't happy about us sharing a bed but understood why I couldn't sleep on the couch. He didn't want to have a scene with my mother right before we go and possibly have to answer questions about us or his hospital stay. I got up from the chair and stretched before I walked over and kissed my sister on the head. She smiled up at me as I moved over to my mother. "Goodnight...see you in the morning..." I told her. My mother patted my cheek as I kissed her. I noticed Brian get up as well.

"I'll make you both a proper breakfast before you leave..." my mother remarked as Brian came over to say goodnight. I picked up my drinking glass and grabbed Brian's as well as he kissed my sister and mother. 

"Goodnight..." he told them both. I sat our glasses in the sink and then made my way to the stairs. I went up and found Brian already in the room. He walked in to the bathroom and I pulled some pajamas from my dresser and got changed. 

"Your sleeping pill is in a glass on the shelf in there..." I told him as I tugged on my pajama bottoms.

I was tossing my clothes in the hamper when Brian came out and I took my turn in the bathroom. I took my time so he could get changed without me watching and I went in to find him sitting on the bed buttoning his pajama top. He saw me watching him as I came out and I stopped looking at him as I made my way to my side of the bed. Squeaky came in to the room and jumped up on to the blankets as I turned my side of the bedclothes down. 

"I guess we are sharing tonight..." I told the cat as I slipped in to the covers and got settled in to my side of the bed. It felt familiar and nice as I got my pillow in the right place and laid back. Brian got up and pulled his side of the blanket back and slipped in to his spot. He laid on his side and faced me in his usual way of sleeping. I felt self conscious laying there but was glad for the chance to be near him again.

"I'm sorry about this...." I told him as I reached over and checked the alarm clock. "I'm glad I got to see my mom before we go but I'm sorry about the situation it put us in...." I said sincerely. 

"It's not your fault...." he replied. "It's good to see Winnie...I like your mother..." he remarked as he got comfortable and pulled the blanket higher up on his shoulder. I wanted to turn to face him but felt like it would make him uneasy. I stayed laying on my back and turned my head towards him. Squeaky walked up and got settled down next to Brian's chest. I watched him pull his arm out from the covers and begin stroking her fur. She rolled into to him more. We laid there quietly for a few minutes as Brian petted his cat. I was glad I had brought her to the house. It had been a great comfort to him to have her and he would miss her while we are gone.

"You know Rog....no matter what happens...I want us to be friends..." Brian suddenly commented out of the blue. I looked at him and found him watching me intently. He looked calm and content as he said it so I felt it was genuine.

"Me too..." I replied. "You are my best friend....I don't want that to change..." I told him back. He smiled at me and I felt the warmth of his words.

"I consider you my best friend as well....no matter what..." he answered. I was a nice way to end a tense night and I smiled at him as I reached over to turn off the lamp. I turned on my side facing away from him and closed my eyes. There was a space between us on the bed that felt like a wide gulf. I hated it but it was there none the less. It was occupied only by my infidelities and a tortoiseshell cat. 

I finally drifted off at some point and woke up early in the morning needing to pee. I slipped out of bed and quickly used the toilet. It was pretty chilly and I wanted back in my warm blanket. I crept back to bed and got back in. Brian was facing the other way from when he fell asleep. I noticed Squeaky was gone and I turned on my side again and pulled the blankets back up over me. I nestled myself a little more towards the center of the bed since the cat was gone and savored the body heat I found there. I closed my eyes and quickly drifted back to sleep.

I woke up before the alarm went off and was going to groan about it when I realized I was tucked in Brian's arms. Somehow while we slept we had both resumed our normal sleeping positions. I was backed up against his chest and his arm was wrapped around me. We were practically sharing a pillow and I was in heaven! I had not had this experience for weeks and never wanted to move from this spot. Brian's hand was nestled against my stomach and I wanted so badly to place my hand over his. But I didn't. I was afraid to move. To break the spell. I laid there with my eyes closed and took in the warmth and feeling of his body pressed in to mine. Savored his scent and his breath as he gently snored against my shoulder and hair. In case this was the last time, I wanted to soak it all up and remember it. I laid there completely relaxed and was thrilled when Brian unconsciously pressed me closer in to him. The pressure of his hand against me made my stomach flip. I let him hold me tighter and almost sighed out loud from the joy of it. My little fantasy was destroyed when the alarm buzzed at me. I had to moved away from Brian to turn it off. This time I did groan out loud as I rolled away from his arm and reached over to turn off the buzzer. I laid down on my stomach and felt Brian stir next to me. I wasn't sure if he was aware of how we were sleeping and didn't say a word as I felt him get up from the bed. I laid there feeling deflated as he closed the bathroom door. I soon heard the shower get turned on. I pulled the blanket over and covered my head with it. I suddenly felt really lonely.

\---------------------- 

"I think the car is here..." Clare yelled up the stairs as I double checked my carry on bag for a few essential things before pulling it off the bed. We had already made sure Brian's medication was in his bag and that we had enough for our time on the road. It had to be special ordered by his doctor but we picked it up a few days ago. I went downstairs and walked to the cupboard in the kitchen to grab my remaining cigarettes from the carton I kept there. I slipped them in my bag and saw Brian coming out of the music room. He had the Red Special's guitar case in one hand and his carry on in the other. 

"You ready?" I asked him. He nodded and Clare came over and hugged and kissed us both.

"I hope the tour goes well....and everything else gets worked out..." she told me as we hugged. "Brian loves you...." Clare whispered to me as we parted. I nodded and smiled to her that I heard her. 

"I love you Clare....I'll call you everyday..." I told her as we all walked to the living room. My mother was playing with Tiger Lily and we walked over to say goodbye. I let Brian go first with Tiger Lily as I hugged and kissed my mother.

"You boys have a safe trip and keep in touch....don't worry about a thing here...we will take good care of Tiger Lily..." my mother told us. "Ruth and Harold plan to stop by later this week for a visit..." she remarked as I walked over to the baby.

"I'll miss you poppet....don't forget me..." Brian was telling Tigs as he held her close and kissed her forehead. "I love you....he told her gently as he clung to her. I could see Brian starting to get emotional. It made my own heart clench to see it. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Tiger Lily's head. I could see tears form in the corner of his eyes and it pained me to watch him have to leave her. I didn't want to leave her either but I know Brian feels so fragile right now and being with her has been stabilizing for him. I hoped we weren't making a mistake leaving her home. I walked over to him and smiled at him as he let go of her and stroked her hair before handing her to me. She was a big fidgety but I took her in my arms and pressed her close to me.

"I hate to say goodbye...I'm going to miss you baby girl....but we will talk on the phone and Brimi and I will be home soon...I promise..." I told her as Brian watched me. He was still emotional and I felt myself well up with tears as I took in my daughter's scent and ran my hand over her face and head to try and remember the way she looks and feels. I wasn't prepared for this moment. I was so distracted with the mess with Brian I forgot I had to leave her for 3 months. I let my tears fall as I hugged her close. She was chattering away and not aware of our impending absence. Maybe that is a good thing. "I love you Tiger Lily...you are my heart..." I told her without realizing my own words. I felt emotional when I said it and Brian looked at me with such pride and love in his face as I clung to my daughter. I broke out in a sob and looked over at my sister.

"Can you take her please?" I asked her as I felt overcome with emotion. Clare came up and gently pulled Tigs out of my arms. I suddenly felt empty without her and Brian noticed and walked up to me.

"We've got to go..." he said. I nodded and picked up my bag as Brian grabbed his cases. I sniffed hard but still felt the tears on my cheeks as I started walking towards the door. I couldn't look back and my heart started racing as we reached the front door.

"Pahhhpahhh!' Tigs called out to me and I broke into a sob as I took off out the front door. Brian came up behind me and put his arm around me as we both walked to the waiting car. I was so grateful for it right now. The driver took our bags from us and placed them in the opened boot as I tried to open the car door. I struggled with it and Brian got it open for me. I crawled inside and felt overcome with a pain I've never felt before. The pain of leaving my girl behind. I had no idea it would feel this way and it hurt. My whole insides ached with a sense of loss I have never felt. Brian slid in the back seat next to me and handed me a handkerchief. I took it from him and wiped my face as the driver got in the front seat. He put his arm around me and I leaned in to his side. Needing the comfort of a friend right now. 

"Are we good to go?" the driver asked us. I didn't want to leave but we have to. I suddenly didn't like this. 

"Yeah..." Brian replied quietly in his calm soothing voice and reached over and took my hand. "He had to say goodbye to his daughter..." Brian told the driver as we pulled away from the house. 

"I've got kids myself...it's tough to leave them when you travel..." the driver remarked. Brian squeezed my hand and pressed me in to his side. I was so grateful for him right now. So glad he was here at this moment. Despite our situation right now, he understands what this feels like.

"That was hard wasn't it...." Brian said to me quietly as he leaned over and wiped my hair away from my face. "We'll both see her soon..." he told me confidently. I couldn't believe how strong Brian was being about this. I would have assumed he would be the emotional wreck and I would be the strong one. I let Brian hold me the whole drive to the airport. It helped me pull myself together and face the separation from my baby. Our baby.

We got to the airport and the driver pulled over at the designated drop off. Brian let go of me and smiled at me as he pulled his hand away. "You feeling better?" he asked as looked at me. I nodded and wiped my face again with the handkerchief before shoving it in my pocket.

"Yeah....thanks...." I told him. He went to turn to open the door but I grabbed his arm. He turned back to look at me. "Thanks Brian....I didn't know I would react to leaving her that way....I guess it didn't hit me until we went to leave..." I expressed to him gratefully. He leaned over and kissed my forehead which warmed me through me entire being.

"I am so proud of you Rog....you're a father!" Brian announced as he opened the car door and smiled at me. "Now...let's go be rock stars!" he told me with a laugh as he stepped out of the car and held the door for me. I laughed back and slid across to get out of the car. A porter had our bags on a cart and we followed him in the airport. I rushed over to the toilets and went in and cleaned myself up from my crying jag and checked my appearance before returning to a waiting Brian. He watched me walk over and smiled as we started down the long corridor to our designated meeting place. "We are right on time..." Brian commented as we approached the lounge room that our tour manager had reserved for us. Brian walked up to the door and pulled it open and we went inside to find Freddie already there. He was sitting and talking to our new assistant Peter Brown. He was to handle our day to day matters rather than Gerry Stickells on this leg of the tour. Due to the size and scope of the North American tour, Gerry needed to focus on the road crew. This Peter promised to be an improvement over our prior dealings with someone named Peter. He already knew about Brian and myself as well as Freddie. He didn't care. He is as young as us and has worked for John Reid for several years. He seems to be an amenable guy so it's encouraging to have him to rely on.

I found some seats and the porter delivered our bags and was tipped by Peter as we grabbed some coffee and relaxed. Brian excused himself to use the toilet and Freddie got up from his seat and came over.

"You two ready to roll?" he asked us as he filled his coffee cup. 

"I am now...saying goodbye to Tigs turned into an emotional shitstorm..." I told him honestly as he stirred his cup. 

"Oh! Was Brian that bad off then?" he asked me with sympathy. I chuckled and shook my head. 

"No! It was me! I couldn't handle it! Brian was a rock!" I explained to him. Freddie looked shocked but patted my shoulder and smiled gently at me.

"Well...well....well...fatherhood finally reared it's ugly head, mmm?" Freddie teased me to lighten the mood. I smiled and nodded to him.

"I guess you could say that..." I replied with a laugh. I took a sip of my coffee and Freddie walked back to his chair as the lounge door opened. Brian came in smiling and held the door as someone walked in with him. I was shocked to see the person coming in was Dr. Roberts' nurse, Chrissie! What the fuck is she doing here? Brian was beaming as he walked her over towards my chair.

"Hi Roger!" Chrissie smiled at me and came over and held out her hand. I still felt awkward around her because of the whole venereal disease situation and her knowing I cheated on Brian. I had seen her at my tour physical and she had been friendly. It helped a bit. It was still strange.

"What are you doing here?" I asked her as I shook her hand to be polite. She smiled at me and then turned to Brian.

"He didn't tell you?" she asked me as Brian looked sheepish and got an awkward grin on his face

"Tell me what?" I asked in complete confusion.

"I'm going on tour with you....Brian asked me to be his travel companion..." 

My heart sank as her hand slipped from mine and I watched her take my place at Brian's side. 

.


	45. Are You Ready for A Show?  Part 2

20 January 1976

Flight from London to New York

Voyeur's POV

Each row had 4 seats so when it came time to board and select a spot, Brian didn't sit next to his bandmates. He didn't want to leave Chrissie by herself. She had never been on a long plane ride and Brian felt he needed to keep her company. Roger was markedly upset at his choice and felt it was an indication of what their future would be. He sulked as he took a seat next to Freddie and then found himself sandwiched with Deacy on his other side. It felt comforting to have his bandmates at this moment. He needed his friends. They all had noticed Brian's choice of seating and each found it odd for him not to sit with them. They could also see the effect it had on Roger.

"Now who is she again?" Freddie whispered to Roger as everyone got settled for the flight. They were all observing Brian and Chrissie in the row across the aisle from their own. Luckily, out of earshot. 

"She was Brian's nurse in the hospital when he got hepatitis and she started working for our doctor after that.." Roger explained to Freddie. Freddie eyed her again and turned back to his dear friend.

"So is this a good thing or a bad thing....you don't seem to be happy about it.." he remarked as he saw Roger stare daggers at the small female perched next to the guitarist. 

"She's nice enough I guess....but I'm convinced she has a thing for him to be completely honest...I don't trust her..." Roger confided as Freddie and Deacy listened to his concerns.

"What makes you think that?" Deacy asked as he leaned in towards the conversation taking place. Roger glanced solemnly at Deacy and then back at Freddie.

"She's handsy with him and super friendly..." Roger replied with a pronounced sneer. "She bathed him once so she knows what his assets are..." he added. Freddie's expression became sympathetic and he rubbed Roger's arm.

"What a meddling little bitch..." Freddie murmured for their ears only; wanting to assuage Roger. Deacy looked surprised at his friends and shook his head; doubtful of Roger's accusation.

"I'm sorry Rog....I'm not sure those facts translate to husband thief..." Deacy remarked as they all glared over at the other row of seats. "She has seen your assets as well hasn't she....she is your doctor's nurse after all..." he reminded him. Roger shook his head.

"She's never seen my cock...only the doc has laid eyes on the prize..." Roger retorted back. Deacy rolled his eyes at his friend's grandiose reference to his manhood. He decided had heard enough of this conversation. Freddie got Roger's attention by tugging his shirt sleeve.

"Maybe we should keep an open mind....do you have any proof she actually is after him?" Freddie asked Roger. Roger sighed and slumped back in his airplane seat and ran his hand through his bangs.

"Nothing concrete...but give it time...trust me....she wants him..." Roger assured his friend.

"Ladies and gentleman....please check your seatbelts...we are ready for takeoff..." the airline hostess announced over the intercom. The aircraft sounds halted the conversation as everyone got settled for the flight. The aircraft was soon air born and Roger was anxious for the beverage service to commence. He felt several strong drinks were in his immediate future and would help ease the pain of this journey.

\---------------------- 

"So I have your medicine schedule laid out and I've left space for mealtimes..." Chrissie explained to Brian as she showed him the chart in her spiral notebook. "Dr. Fischer indicated you really need to get 6-8 hours of sleep at night if you can manage it...so how about a bedtime of about 11pm?" she suggested to Brian. Brian tried not to laugh and pointed to her timeline.

"Uh Chrissie....I don't think the times are going to work..." he remarked to her. "When I have a show we don't even finish until that time..." he explained. "I usually don't get back to the hotel before midnight...and then I'm too wound up to just go to sleep...it's usually 2 or 3 am at the earliest before I can close my eyes..." Chrissie was shocked at hearing his work hours and tried to hide her embarrassment at not knowing how this type of career operates.

"Well...I guess 11pm it out!" she replied with a hint of self consciousness in her voice as she erased her penciled in bedtime. Brian smirked as he watched her decide to start a brand new schedule on the next page. "So...let's start with the time you generally get out of bed in the morning..." she told him; trying to sound professional but feeling a bit of a fool. 

"I would say it's more like early afternoon to be honest..." Brian replied with a hint of laughter to make her feel better. "I will compromise with you...how about I wake up at 11?" Chrissie smiled at Brian's attempt to work with her on a middle ground. She appreciated his attempt to ease her embarrassment. She nodded to him.

"I think that's doable..." she remarked as she penciled in the time. She glanced at Brian once she noted the start time and they shared a warm expression. "I guess I'm the one in for a schedule change, right?" she teased and Brian laughed gently. She was right.

"Welcome to my world..." 

\----------------- 

Roger woke up with a sour taste in his mouth and decided to freshen up in the lavatory. He reached down for his bag under his seat and pulled out a small case. He gripped it as he got up from his chair and edged past Deacy; who was sound asleep. It was still dark in the main cabin as Roger quietly made his way to the aisle. Roger walked back towards the lavatory door and was annoyed to find it occupied. He lingered by the galley and watched the air hostess preparing their next meal in the small kitchen.

"How is your flight so far?" the stewardess asked him as he eyed the food trays. Roger glanced up at her and smiled his winning smile. She was fairly attractive in an American kind of way.

"Not too bad...I'm getting used to long flights...so I came prepared!" he remarked as he held up his case. She smiled at him as she slid a tray in to her cart. She seemed to purposely bend over lower than needed and showed off her ample cleavage.

"A seasoned traveler....toothbrush and all?" she asked him as she clearly eyed him up and down. Roger was wearing tight trousers and a button down shirt that was half way open. She was enjoying the view. "Need any help unpacking?" she asked Roger in a coy manner. "I have a layover in the city tonight..." she advised him as she slid another tray on to her cart. Roger liked what he saw but wasn't interested. He only wanted one person in his bed. 

"I'm flattered...but I'm spoken for..." Roger responded with a genuine smile. 

"That's a shame..." she told him as she winked at him. Roger chuckled and noted the door to the lavatory was opening up. He was surprised when he found himself face to face with Brian. He had shaved off his beard and looked so refreshed and well, just beautiful, in Roger's eyes. They shared an awkward grin as Brian moved to get out of Roger's way.

"I figured I needed to shave in case there is any press at the airport or hotel.." he explained to Roger as he zipped up his shaving kit. Roger just smiled at him and watched him walk back towards his seat. Happy to see all of Brian's face. 

"Is your friend spoken for?" the stewardess asked. Roger turned to her with a smug grin and nodded.

"Yeah...he's off limits.." Roger replied as he walked in the lavatory and closed the door. "Hands off lady..." he mumbled to himself.

\-----------------

New York City

Essex House Hotel

"Wow!" Chrissie declared as their car pulled up at the hotel. She had never been to America and her first glimpses of New York City were impressive. She sat next to Brian in one of the band's hired limousines and soaked in the views as they drove to their hotel. It was near Central Park and their accommodations made yet another mark on her as they pulled up to the entrance. She looked over her dress and hoped she seemed worthy of this establishment.

The car door was opened for them and Brian slipped out and held out his hand to assist her as she slid across the leather seat. She took his hand and stepped out at the marble and brass doorway to the Essex House hotel. She took her hand back as she held on to her purse and tote bag as they began their walk in to the expansive lobby. She followed Brian to the reception desk and saw their large group had already gathered there. She stood at the edge of the all male crew as Brian received a set of keys and some papers from their assistant Peter Brown. She kept gawking at the lavish décor and felt a bit out of her depth. This was a different world from her small life in London. 

"We're on the 11th floor.." Brian remarked to her as they all began walking towards a large set of lifts. Chrissie timidly followed and felt reassured as Brian let her in to the open elevator before he stepped in. They were quickly joined by a few crew members and Roger and Deacy slipped in before the door closed. 

"Everyone on 11?" Roger asked as they pressed the required buttons on the wall panel.

"Yeah.." Brian replied as Roger stood and watched him as the lift ascended. 

"Have you ever been to America Chrissie?" Roger asked; trying to be polite. He watched as she shook her head.

"No...this is my first time...I have to say it's been impressive so far..." she responded to him sincerely. She was pleased that Roger was actually speaking to her. She had got the impression from him at the beginning of the trip he wasn't that happy she was coming along.

"Well New York city is pretty remarkable....remind me to ask your impressions when we hit the central part of the country....you might have a different opinion.." Roger replied to her. He made an effort to be light and friendly and glanced at Brian; hoping for some reward for his courtesy. Brian looked pleased to see him engaged with her. It made Roger feel his effort was noticed.

"I'm sure Chrissie will find something admirable no matter where we stop..." Brian remarked to him as they watched the floor numbers. "There is something good about every city.." he added. Brian and Chrissie share a warm grin. Roger wanted to make a snide comment about Chrissie always being happy as long as Brian and her had adjoining rooms but kept his mouth shut. The door opened and they all spilled out to find their room numbers. Chrissie followed Brian down the left end of the hallway and Roger walked slowly to find out where they would be situated. Deacy lingered with him. 

"Right here!" Brian told Chrissie and handed her a key. They both went to their respective doors and went inside. Roger huffed as he examined his room # and found it to be a few doors away from Brian and Chrissie's adjoining rooms. 

"You are not next door to Brian I take it..." Deacy remarked to him as they started down the hall. Roger shook his head.

"I might as well be on a different floor..." he told him dramatically. Deacy put his arm around Roger and leaned in a bit.

"Roger...you act like they are sharing a bed...." Deacy argued to him. "How about you see how things go....see how they are in a few days....you might be reading into this more than you should..." he offered to Roger. 

"Okay....okay...I get you...." Roger replied in a defeated tone. "I'll try to keep an open mind..." he offered back. Roger reached his room and found it 3 doors away from Brian. He sighed and opened his room door and waived to Deacy as he went inside. He dropped his bag on the small table and went to sit on the bed. He checked his watch and found it wasn't too late to call home with the time difference.

"Hello..."

"It's me Bear....we arrived safely in New York..." Roger told his sister. 

"Thanks for letting me know...how was your flight?" Clare asked her brother. Roger sighed and laid back on the bed; feeling a bit tired from the journey.

"The flight itself was fine...there is a development with Brian though..." Roger told his sister. "It turns out the companion he brought with us to help him out is that nurse Chrissie..." Roger informed her.

"Wait...you mean the nurse from your doctor's office? The one who has a thing for Brian?" Clare replied with a strong amount of incredulity. It was quite satisfying for Roger to hear this and he couldn't help but feel a little vindicated in his feelings.

"Yes...her!" he replied curtly. 

"So do you know if Brian actually is aware she likes him?" Clare asked with curiosity. 

"To be honest....I'm not sure...Deacy told me I'm imagining it but you see it too, right?" Roger asked his sister; wanting evidence of his instincts being correct.

"I remember her from the hospital and that one time at the doctor's office when I went with Brian...yeah...she likes him alright..." Clare confirmed. Roger nodded and felt empowered again in his disdain for Brian's care choice. "What are you going to do Rog?" his sister asked. 

"I don't know...I have to figure something out...I'm not going to just sit by and let her steal him away..." Roger assured his sister. "I know I've fucked things up but I'll fix this...." 

"I'm sorry this happened Rog....I know how much you love him...I hope you're able to patch things up...for all our sakes..." 

"Thanks Bear...." he replied. "It's late....I'll let you go....talk to you soon..." Roger told her as he hung up the phone; determined to find a way to win his husband back.

\------------------- 

Later that night

Roger lit another cigarette as he tried to focus on the banal questions the reporter was asking him at their welcome reception. It was the same set of questions all night. If felt so predictable but he smiled and nodded and then prepared his answer.

"I agree that most top 40 singles in the chart have a format...but don't you think music needs to expand itself beyond formulas and focus on what is quality material?" Roger asked the journalist; wanting to challenge him to think beyond his inane question of why they didn't shorten Bohemian Rhapsody to fit the formulaic time constraints imposed by radio.

"That's a fair point..." the reporter replied and seemed unsure what to say in response to Roger's articulate viewpoint on the industry standards. Roger felt pleased with himself and noted Brian heading for the exit a few feet away.

"If you'll excuse me...it's been a long day..." Roger told the reporter. The man courteously let him go and Roger noted most of the people at the party had gone. He made his way towards the exit hoping to catch Brian alone.

"Wait up!" he called out as he saw Brian near the lift. "Do you have a few minutes?" he asked him as he caught up to him. Brian nodded as the bell sounded for the lift and the door opened. They both stepped inside.

"What's up?" Brian asked him as he pressed the button marked 11. He crossed his arms loosely in front of him and gave Roger his attention.

"Did you get settled in?" Roger asked him as a way to start a conversation. Brian smiled and wondered if Roger was just wanting small talk or had something important to ask. He was tired and ready for some sleep.

"Yeah....my room is fine....Chrissie got situated and was going to get some dinner in the hotel dining room..." he explained to Roger as they rode to their floor.

"Good...that's nice...." Roger replied and wondered how to broach the real topic he had in mind. "Can I ask you something?" Roger asked Brian in a casual manner. Brian looked more intrigued.

"Of course..." Brian told him; realizing he did have something concrete to talk about. 

"Why did you pick Chrissie?" Roger blurted out after struggling with how to ask. Brian looked surprised at the question but immediately answered him with a warm smile.

"I thought it would be obvious..." Brian replied. "She knows my history and is aware of my recent problems..." Brian explained to Roger. "I felt like I wouldn't have to repeat my life story to a stranger and hope they were understanding." Brian offered. "She already knows about us and doesn't have any issues with it...it just makes everything easier....don't you think?" he argued to him. Roger could immediately recognize that Chrissie was the obvious choice. It just hadn't dawned on him. He nodded understanding to Brian.

"I guess that makes sense..." he confessed to him; feeling a bit blown down by this reality. Roger didn't even know how to broach the subject of his concerns about Chrissie's feelings for Brian. He didn't just want to sound like a jealous guy. He noticed Brian's expression change to one of amusement and wondered why.

"Want to hear something funny?" Brian asked him as he was interrupted by the bell sounding the arrival on their floor. Roger was grateful for anything to relieve the tension he feels. He nodded to Brian. "Chrissie had a schedule put together for my daily routine with the suggestion I get to bed by 11pm each night..." Brian shared with him. Roger immediately smiled at the realization that Chrissie didn't have a clue what their life on the road entailed. He snickered.

"I suppose you were supposed to take your sleeping pill halfway through the concert?" Roger joked back and he and Brian immediately started laughing at the idea of Brian walking to the side of the stage and being handed a pill and a cup of water. They walked off the elevator together and turned left. They quickly reached Brian's door. Roger didn't want their conversation to end. He wanted nothing more than for Brian to come to his room and lay on the bed together and talk about everything or even talk about nothing. Just be together. 

"You interested in coming to my room to hang out for a bit....just talk?" he asked Brian with bravery. He knew what the answer would probably be but couldn't not ask him. Brian actually seemed to consider it before his smile thinned out a little.

"I would actually...but I'm pretty tired..." he told Roger truthfully. "It's been a long day....and I do actually need to take that sleeping pill..." he laughed gently as he said it. Roger couldn't help but smile at his quip and nodded to him. It was evident Brian was tired so he tried not to read into it.

"Alright....I guess I'll see you tomorrow..." Roger told him as they lingered at Brian's door. Brian turned to his door and Roger grabbed his arm without thinking. Not wanting to let him go. "Bri...can I ask you something else?" Roger requested quietly; not wanting Chrissie to hear him if she was still up. Brian let Roger keep hold of his arm and nodded agreement to him.

"What is it?" Brian asked him. Roger swallowed hard and went for it. He had to know. 

"About us.....where do we stand?" Roger bluntly questioned. He squeezed Brian's arm as he asked to emphasize the importance of his words. Brian didn't move away from Roger but closed his eyes for a moment and then looked intently at Roger. It didn't make Roger feel encouraged. There was a hint of pain in Brian's expression. Things were not in a good place.

"I can't tell you....I don't know..." Brian began and his fatigue from the day showed in his furrowed brow and thin mouth. "I need more time to figure it out...." he revealed to Roger. He looked at Roger intently and used his free hand to touch Roger's shoulder. "I heard your conversation with that airline hostess on the plane today...I hope you have considered what I asked you to do...." Brian reminded Roger. Roger's own expression soured as he recalled Brian's suggestion that he take advantage of their time apart to sleep around and enjoy his missed chance that Brian was certain he robbed him of. It was not something Roger was at all interested in pursuing. His own escapades down this path had proven ill fated between the acquisition of gonorrhea and a separation from his lover. No. He wasn't interested.

"Bri...please don't ask me to do this....I don't want anyone else....I played around and got burned...in so many ways....I'm done with it!" he tried to convince Brian. Brian glanced at his hotel room door; wanting to end this conversation and escape the tension building between them. 

"I need to get to bed Rog....we'll talk some more..." he replied and pulled his arm from Roger's grip. He avoided Roger's gaze as he opened his room door and slipped inside. He finally looked up at him as he quietly closed his door; his eyes revealing his confusion and weariness. Roger sighed and fumbled in his pocket for his room key as he made his way to his room door. He heard someone get off the lift as he went to open his room and saw it was Freddie. He noticed Freddie was carrying a bottle of vodka and smiled as he abandoned his room and turned toward his friend.

\---2 am---

"You know that I love you...don't you?" Freddie told Roger as he took the last shot of vodka before he let the bottle fall off his lap and on to the floor. Roger was slumped on the floor by the chair Freddie was occupying and held his own glass of the potent substance in his hand. He was nursing a cigarette and a wounded heart and found Freddie's company a comfort on this cold New York night.

"I do Fred....I do....I love you too mate..." Roger told him in response as he inhaled deeply on his cigarette and eyeballed the location of the ashtray on the table. He leaned over and smashed his cigarette in to the raised edge of the ashtray. A dizziness rushed over him as he tried to sit back quickly. He smiled a bit at the woozy feeling and leaned against the chair to steady himself. 

"And you know Bri really does love you....you just hurt him dear....he needs time to get over it..." Freddie tried to convince his friend. He didn't want his friends breaking up for good. He was worried about the band but mostly about his friends happiness. They were his hope for his own love life. Finding that special someone to spend his life with. He had thought it was Mary. Then Deacy. Well, that was a closed chapter. Then he met David. David. He wasn't always sure he was the one. He lives in the U.S. and had a career all his own. It's just so complicated. But Roger and Brian made it seem feasible. Doable. He needed them to reconcile so he could keep the faith for his own self. Freddie reached down and stroked Roger's hair and then patted his head.

"I love him so much Fred....I just want to get up and walk down the hall and kick his door in and shout it at the top of my lungs to him. Wake up Brian! I love you!" Roger began shouting. Freddie laughed but quickly moved his hand to muffle Roger's mouth and prevent them from being complained about by the neighboring rooms. Roger stopped his raised voice and began laughing with Freddie as they both tried to find a semblance of being sober.

"Maybe if you tiptoed and knocked gently and then whispered your feelings...it might be preferable at 2 in the morning dear..." Freddie suggested to Roger. He nodded agreement and rolled on to his knees to try and stand up.

"I'll consider it as I make my way to my sad lonely bed..." he announced dramatically as he stood up clumsily from the floor. Freddie helped steady him and giggled as Roger stumbled around a bit. Freddie rose from his own chair and went to aid his friend. He grabbed him before he fell and they both laughed as Freddie began walking them towards the bed.

"Just sleep here blondie...." Freddie offered and got them to the edge of the large bed and managed to get the blankets pulled back before they both fall back on the mattress. He got Roger turned around and helped him get his jacket off and shoes off. Roger complied and didn't make much noise as he was readied for bed. Freddie laid Roger's coat on a nearby chair and tucked his drummer in to bed. Freddie made his way to his bathroom to prepare to sleep and wasn't surprised to return and find Roger down for the count and already lightly snoring. Freddie unwrapped his robe and slipped in beside his sad drunk friend. He leaned over and kissed his head before he rolled over to face the other way and prayed Roger wouldn't get sick in the morning. Freddie couldn't stand the smell of vomit in the early hours. He sighed and closed his eyes and hoped for the best.

\-----------------------

23rd January 1976

New York

Rehearsal Venue

"If we could run through that song again..it would help me out.." Brian requested from his bandmates. They were almost done with rehearsals for the day but Brian wanted another stab at his guitar work on 'My Sweet Lady.' 

"The whole number or a specific part?" Freddie asked him as he loitered at the piano. 

"Just the intro really....up to the middle.." he suggested. Everyone nodded and Roger counted them in as they began the run through. Brian remained focused on his finger work as the crew and small audience watched from the around the stage. Chrissie was seated in the third row and watched mesmerized as Brian perfected his work on the song. They finished up and agreed they were good for the day. Brian handed off his guitar to his new tech, Big Rich. They discussed some mechanics of the instrument before Brian started to leave the stage. Chrissie stood up and headed towards the backstage entrance door. 

Roger watched Brian from his kit as he and Crystal decided on replacing a head on his main snare. He was distracted watching Brian. They finished up and Roger quickly grabbed his bag to make his way in to the back stage area. He hurried down the hallway looking for Brian and Chrissie. Deacy was standing off to the side talking to Peter Brown and Freddie had remained behind to answer some questions for a local reporter. Roger got to the main dressing room and found Brian seated on a bench wiping his face off as Chrissie stood nearby going through a large bag she had been carrying with her. He walked in and tried to act casual as he observed them together.

"Hey..." Brian greeted Roger as he came in the room..." Roger nodded and smiled as he walked over to grab a towel for himself. He began wiping the back of his neck and face and picked up a large cup of water from a tray. 

"I bet you get pretty thirsty after performing..." Chrissie commented to Roger as she walked over to Brian holding up a pair of cuticle scissors. Roger finished his cup in a final large gulp.

"Yeah...I sweat a lot during our shows....not so bad for rehearsals..." he remarked as he took another full cup from the tray. He watched as Chrissie helped Brian trim a fingernail. She was standing close to him and leaning over his hand. Roger glanced over the cup edge and almost choked on the water as Chrissie reached over and pulled some of Brian's hair from his damp cheek and moved it back away from his face. Roger found the maneuver too intimate and felt his face get hotter than it already was. His reaction was worsened by Brian's faint blush in response to Chrissie's tender gesture. 

"Who is up for Chinese tonight?" Freddie announced as he entered the room. "We can head over to China town and get the real deal....who's game?" he asked the room. Brian looked happy at the suggestion and Roger watched as Brian looked at Chrissie.

"Do you like Chinese food?" he asked her. She shook her head.

"No....it's not my kind of food..." she replied and seemed a bit put off at the suggestion. Brian looked disappointed. Roger wondered if Brian was going to skip going because of her. "If you like it...then go.." Chrissie told Brian as he looked indecisive. She walked back to her bag on the counter and smiled at him. "I can grab something at the hotel or that diner across the street.." she suggested. 

"Please do come Brian....I miss your face dear..." Freddie beckoned to Brian and Roger felt some gratitude for Freddie's help in getting him to join them for dinner.

"I'm in...." Roger chimed in as Deacy came in the room with Peter Brown. 

"In for what?" Deacy asked everyone. 

"China town for dinner...." Freddie clarified to him. Deacy smiled as he walked to the beverage table and grabbed a cup of water.

"Count me in...." Deacy replied after taking a large sip.

"Me too..." Brian finally agreed. Freddie smiled and then quickly glanced Roger's way. Roger knew he owed him one. 

\-----------------

Roger made sure he got a seat next to Brian at the restaurant. Everyone was in a great mood with the rehearsals going well and the weather holding out for their stay. They were headed to Waterbury Connecticut the next day and would have a new hotel and a new venue to prepare for their opening night of the tour. Roger was glad to find Brian enjoying their night out and savored every minute of their time together without the presence of Brian's nursemaid. They ordered drinks and their food and Roger was heartened to find Brian actually ordering a Mai-Thai to start.

"Feeling loose tonight Bri?" Roger remarked after the waiter took their drink orders and left. Brian smirked and leaned back in his chair. Feeling a bit adventurous for a change.

"We have a late check out tomorrow so if I have some to drink it's not going to lay me out too badly.." he explained. "Besides the fruit juices sound good and I haven't had a drink since..." Brian trailed off his words as he realized he was about to verbalize his pill overdose. He grew quiet and seemed uncomfortable for a minute. Roger reached for his hand under the table without thinking but Brian accepted it and squeezed it for support.

"Well it sounds like a drink is in order then..." Deacy remarked to him with a warm smile. "We should have a toast as a group you know....we never did mark the occasion of the number one album back home!" Deacy reminded them all. It was a nice distraction from the tense moment and Roger was grateful for it. Roger kept hold of Brian's hand and Brian didn't let go.

"If we can only get our single in the top spot in this country then we will really have hit a homerun...to borrow a perfectly wonderful American saying..." Freddie added to the conversation. "Being at #59 in the charts feels a bit tragic after our nine week run at home at #1..." he pouted to his bandmates. "We simply must improve that number!" 

"Agreed!" Roger quipped as the waiter returned with their drinks. Roger reluctantly let go of Brian's hand as they each received their chosen poison and Freddie beamed as he raised his cocktail high in the air.

"To A Night At The Opera being #1!" he toasted as they all raised their glasses.

"Cheers!" Deacy responded as they all took a drink. 

"And to Bohemian Rhapsody hitting #1!" Roger added and they all shouted as they raised their glasses.

"I mean...who is this Casey Kasem anyway? What a name!" Freddie snorted as he took a sip of his drink. Freddie found the name of the host of the American Top 40 show to be a bit maudlin.

"Speak for yourself Farrokh!" Brian shot back and winked at Freddie as he said it. Freddie growled at Brian in fun and rolled his eyes.

"Oh fuck off Maggie!" he sneered as he gave Brian the bird with his hand. Brian was confused by his remark.

"Maggie?" he asked him with a bewildered expression. Roger laughed as he had already figured out the joke.

"Yes dear! Maggie! You're Maggie May!" Freddie joked to Brian with a giggle. Brian smirked at the song title reference but Roger leaned over the table laughing. He found it endearing and clever. 

"Oh....I love it!" Roger gasped to Freddie as he tried to calm himself down; his face red from chuckling. Freddie beamed at him and then hit face lit up.

"You would...wouldn't you....Liz!" he remarked to Roger. Roger's face sparked at being named after Elizabeth Taylor and he began laughing all over again. Deacy felt left out and gave a whiny look to Freddie.

"Well who am I then?" he asked with a whimper in his voice. Freddie gave him a demure look and grinned at him as he ran his hand across Deacy's cheek.

"You my dear.....are my precious Belisha!" Freddie advised him.

"Belisha?" Deacy asked him. "I've never heard of any girl named Belisha.." he commented to him. Both Brian and Roger seemed lost on this name as well. Freddie got a smug grin.

"As in Belisha Beacon darling..." Freddie clarified. Brian laughed but Roger and Deacy still remained confused.

"Is she an actress or something?" Deacy asked him; feeling hopeful at her being some kind of star. Brian laughed again but Freddie scoffed at him. Brian couldn't take it any longer. He gave Deacy a sympathetic look.

"A belisha beacon is that yellow globe that sits atop the street lamps at zebra crossings!" Brian informed him. Deacy's face dropped as Roger began giggling. Deacy shot a disappointed look at Freddie.

"I'm a bloody street lamp?" he barked at his friend. Freddie shrugged but then donned his sweetest expression.

"Well....you are the light of my life..." he replied as he sipped his drink. Deacy rolled his eyes at his friend.

"Oh...shut it Freddie!"


	46. Are You Ready for A Show?  Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To enjoy this tour fully - go to YouTube and search for Queen Live 1976. The audio recording of the 30-1-76 Boston show of the 'A Night At The Opera' Tour is a must listen! What a performance! Not only are they all in top form, it also happened to be on my birthday. A beautiful gift! The Prophet Song live is an absolute treasure.

30 January 1976

Boston MA

Brian's POV

"Are you ready?" Roger asked me as he lingered in my hotel room doorway. I got up from the bed and followed him out as we walked to his own room. He settled on the bed and picked up the telephone as I got seated next to him. He smiled as he dialed the number and we waited for an answer.

"It's us Bear!" I heard him tell his sister. I was happy they were home right now. "Is Tigs awake?" Roger smiled and nodded to me as his sister got the telephone situated so we could try and talk to Tiger Lily over the line. I watched Roger's face to know when she was there.

"Hi baby girl! It's Papa!" Roger cooed in to the phone. He leaned in to me as he spoke and had the sweetest expression on his face. I loved watching him listen to her. I could make out some of her chatter from my position next to him. He pressed himself against me so I could hear her words better as he cradled the phone between our heads.

"Pahhh pahhh.." I could make out her calling to him and Roger gushed as he heard his daughter respond to him. 

"I love you Tiger Lily.....I miss you....." Roger told her in a high soft voice. It warmed my heart to hear them both. She babbled in to the phone and Roger motioned for me to say something.

"Hello poppet! It's Brimi!" I started and heard Tigs start squealing. It made my heart soar when she called to me.

"Biiihhmeeee.." she responded. 

"Yes...it's me...I love you..." I replied to her. She kept babbling away to me and I felt Roger reach over and put his hand on my leg. I knew it wasn't anything other than us sharing this moment with Tigs. It felt nice. We sat and listened to Tigs as she winded down and eventually Clare came back on the phone.

"I think she's had enough..." Clare advised us as Roger pulled the phone away to speak to his sister. His hand slipped off my leg as he asked her how Tiger Lily was doing and checking on the house and his mother. I sat and listened as I noticed Roger running his hand over his shoulder next to me. I wondered if his arm was bothering him and watched as he gently rubbed at the corner of his neck. I had a desire to reach over and help relief any discomfort he had but I kept my compulsion in check. I shifted away from him a little on the mattress as he finished his conversation with his sister. He cradled the phone and sighed with a mix of happiness and sadness on his face. I know he is missing the baby in the same way I am. 

"You miss her...." I verbalized to him. He nodded to me and sighed again as he turned to look at me. His arm slipped off his shoulder and we exchanged an understanding glance. I couldn't help but notice a few tears in Roger's eyes and it made me fill with emotion. He quickly wiped them away.

"I do yeah..." he admitted to me as we sat and faced each other. "I've been lonely...." Roger looked and sounded sad when he said it and my heart ached for him. I've been lonely myself and could understand his feelings. I reached over and stroked his cheek to try and offer him some comfort. I forgot how soft his skin is. He grabbed my hand with his own and pressed it to his mouth. He closed his eyes and almost looked pained as he kissed my fingers. It made my stomach flutter as he opened his eyes and moved my hand so he could press his mouth against my palm and then wrist. I tingled all over from the sensation. I felt I should pull my hand away but I couldn't. His hold on me was too strong. When I didn't stop him he pulled me closer by my arm and leaned in to me. My entire body quivered as he closed the gap between us and gently kissed my lips. It felt so good I almost moaned. I hadn't kissed him in so long and everything about it was what I love about him. His lips are so soft and fit with mine so well. He moved his lips against mine gently and began applying pressure when I didn't stop the kiss. My hand immediately went up to find the back of his head and my fingers buried themselves in his soft golden tresses. I found myself wanting this and gave in to it.

Roger reacted to my hand going in to his hair and leaned in to my body as he offered me his tongue. I let him in and our kiss deepened. His tongue mixed with mine went straight to my groin. I forgot how good he tasted. His mouth was warm and he knows just how to get me with that tongue of his. I clenched my legs as I felt myself get erect from our contact. It had been a long time since I felt this. He moaned at me and it was wonderful but instantly reminded me of him getting erect and moaning for someone else. I shuddered inside and found myself pulling away from him. Feeling a wave of emotions that were steeped in hurt, anger and regret. I moved my mouth away from his and pushed at his body to separate us.

"Stop....I can't...." I told him breathily as I moved to distance myself from him on the mattress. Roger's expression was one of desire and pain as I stood up from the bed and headed for the door.

"Bri....I'm sorry...can we talk..." he called to me as I headed out the door and closed it behind me. I couldn't talk right now. I had to get away from him. I let out a shaky breath as I leaned against the door. Trying to pull myself together. It was hard. I wanted to kiss him. I loved the feel of him. But, I couldn't escape the thoughts of him being with someone else. I wiped my shirt sleeve over my mouth and walked towards my own room. I went inside and sat down on my bed and ran my hands over my face. Trying to clear my head and shake off feeling overwhelmed by a huge mix of emotions. There was a knock on the inside door to Chrissie's room. 

"Come in..." I was grateful for a distraction. She opened the door and stepped inside. She was wearing a warm smile and had on a pair of flared trousers and a bulky blue jumper. It occurred to me that I had never seen her wear any type of jeans or trousers before. Only her nurses uniform or dresses. She looked less formal and it was a nice change. 

"Did you get to talk to Tiger Lily?" she asked me as she lingered by the door. I found a smile when thinking about my brief chat with the baby. It was easy to focus on the memory of her cheerful voice. 

"I did....she was awake and I spoke to her for a few minutes..." I replied. "She was in a good mood and quite the little chatterbox.." I told her. Chrissie smiled at me and moved closer. She walked over and leaned against the dresser as she watched me.

"I know you have to miss her terribly...it must be hard to be away from her so long.." she commented to me. 

"On the first part of the tour she came with us so I got to see her everyday.." I explained to her. "But this leg is so long and the weather gets so unpredictable. It seemed like too much for her to handle so we left her at home..." Chrissie looked sympathetic as she listened. "If the plane ride wasn't so long, I would love for her to join us in Japan or Australia.." I climbed up to sit at the headboard on the bed. Chrissie seemed to feel there was a large enough space to sit now so she wandered over and settled on the end of the bed. She looked at her watch.

"You should get some lunch....want to go to the hotel dining room?" she asked me. I wasn't hungry and didn't feel like dealing with other people right now. Still a bit shaken by what happened in Roger's room.

"I'm not really hungry..." Chrissie frowned at me. 

"You have to eat Brian...it helps your medication...it helps you remain stable.." she reminded me. I nodded in defeat but wasn't interested in leaving my room.

"Can we just order something?" I suggested. She nodded and got up from the bed to walk to the desk in the corner of the room. She picked up the room service menu and looked it over.

"I know they don't have much that you like...want me to check on the soup of the day for you?" she asked. I smiled at her consideration.

"That would be great..." I replied and shuffled off the bed. "Just get me whatever..." I requested and walked in to the bathroom. I closed the door and used the toilet as I heard her on the telephone. I got cleaned up and lingered at the vanity. I was glancing at my face in the mirror and when I looked at my lips, I couldn't help but think of Roger. Remembering that kiss. I touched my fingers to my lips and sighed and went back in to the room.

"I got you some potato soup and a tomato and cheese sandwich. They said about a half hour..." Chrissie told me as I resumed my spot on the bed; leaning against the headboard. She got seated on the edge of the bed and looked at me intently.

"You look troubled Brian...is there something on your mind?" I guess I couldn't hide my troubled state of mind. I reminded myself she is here to help me so I felt like talking to her would be okay.

"I was thinking about Roger...." I told her. "Everything is so messed up and complicated and confusing with him right now..." I tried to explain. "I hate feeling so mixed up about him...I wish we were back to who we were....before all this happened..." I confessed to her. I felt a sting of tears but tried to ignore it as I watched her looked at me with sympathy and tenderness. She leaned over and squeezed my foot.

"Who were you before all this happened?" she asked me. 

"Well...happy for one..." I started. "And together....committed to each other..." I explained. "Before Tiger Lily, it was almost perfect..." I considered my words and then remembered how things were at Christmas. Before my black mood and before I found out about Roger. "Hell...I'd give anything to just go back to Christmas day. We had Tiger Lily then and it was how I always hoped it would be on Christmas.....you know...when you have a child and your family at the holidays.." I reminisced to her. She was a good listener and seemed to be considering my thoughts.

"Can I ask you a question?" Chrissie posed to me. I nodded to her.

"Sure..." 

"How did you and Roger get together?" she asked me. I grinned as my head flooded with a lot of memories. Mostly good memories. 

"Now that's a funny story..." I told her. She smiled as I began the tale of our time as plantonic flate mates with a large assortment of other people. I had her laughing with the story of confused kisses and that fateful Boxing day when we shifted from friendship to something more. I had started in on the basics of moving to a flat with Freddie so we could be together when a knock at the door interrupted us. I slid off the bed and answered it and signed for the room service as the waiter left with a tip and I pushed the cart over to the bed. I pulled the chair over from the table and sat in it; opposite her on the bed as we both uncovered the dishes and began eating our lunch.

"So doesn't it get stressful having to constantly worry about the wrong people finding you out? Discovering your gay?" she asked me sincerely. She was right it does get stressful. Very.

"Yes it does get pretty hard to manage sometimes....hey...I want to clarify something to you..." I replied. "I'm bisexual...." Chrissie looked intrigued by this news.

"So you've been with both men and women?" she asked. I nodded to her. She blushed a bit and then focused on her food for several minutes. The air in the room felt awkward and I wondered if I should have kept my mouth shut. But I wanted her to know the whole truth. The real me. After a few more minutes of picking at my lunch, I decided to say something.

"I'm sorry if I said something that made you uncomfortable..." I remarked as I covered my dish with the lid and laid my napkin on top. Chrissie played with her fork and then looked up at me.

"You didn't make me uncomfortable...you just took me by surprise..." Chrissie set her fork down and had an expression of amusement. "I guess you're a pretty adventurous person..." she commented to me as she blushed lightly. "I've been with you for a few days and see that your world is so different from mine..." Chrissie crossed her arms in front of her as she settled back a bit on the bed. "My life feels completely dull in comparison.." she remarked as she pushed the food cart away and stood up from the bed. I felt bad for making her feel like this way. 

"Oh come on....you do something very important....being a nurse has great value in this world...you take care of people...and I'm sure you have other things in your life that are interesting..." I tried to remind her of her worth. She started towards her room door but turned to me and leaned against the door.

"Well...I really don't have much to offer someone...mine's a pretty quiet life...the most excitement I have is what takes place at the doctor's office..." she explained to me and seemed like she didn't feel that good about herself. I thought I would try to encourage her.

"Maybe you should take a risk and do something you've never done before....be bold and try a new adventure..." I suggested. "You are off to a good start...you accepted this job and took a chance going on the road with a rock and roll band...that's pretty adventurous...don't you think?" Chrissie looked embarrassed but smirked at me as she realized she had already taken a risk of sorts.

"I might have to consider it....after seeing how the other half lives...maybe I'll want more excitement in my life..." she replied. She opened her door.

"Hey...if you want something...go for it! What have you got to lose?" I challenged. She walked back in to her room but didn't close her door as she responded to me so I couldn't see her face. "I need to find my own sense of adventure again.." I called out to her. She popped her head back around the corner and smiled at me.

"I'll consider your advice..." 

\---------------------

Later that night

"My dinner wasn't half bad...how was yours?" Roger asked me as we both grabbed our stage clothes from the hanging rack in the dressing room. 

"It was pretty good for take away..." I replied as I watched him walk over to a bench and begin unzipping his jeans. Freddie was applying his makeup and already had his costume on. A stylist was helping straighten his hair. Deacy was talking to Ratty in a corner and they were looking at some photographs. I couldn't help but see Roger as he bent over and slipped off his jeans. He laid them on the bench and ran his hands over the band of his briefs and then he picked up his tight white trousers. I surrepticously saw him slowly pull them on his shapely legs and shimmy them over his firm white thighs. He turned around and I quickly looked down at my own trousers and fumbled with the zipper. I didn't want him catching me observing him. I felt bad doing it when I basically walked out on him this morning after we kissed. I began to focus on my own costume and took my trousers off and laid them out before I grabbed my black velvet bottoms and stepped in to them. I looked up to check on my tunic and saw Roger glancing at me from his bench. He didn't look away and eyed me up and down. I felt the beginning of a blush and tried quickly pull my shirt over my head so he couldn't see my red face. I felt flush all over and was almost embarrassed at feeling this way. I ignored him and finished getting ready. I sat and applied some foundation before I began to run my hands through my hair; trying to even out the sides. Roger walked up behind me and gazed at me in the mirror.

"Need some help?" he asked me in a flirty tone as he brought his hands up to rest on my shoulders. I felt him press his fingers into my skin and my body reacted to it. I quickly shook my head and moved out of my seat so he would be forced to pull his hands away from me.

"I'm good....thanks.." I told him as I walked past him and swallowed deeply as I bent down to get my shoes. I got my shoes and walked to the bench to put them on. I noticed Roger walk up as I slipped the last one on. 

"I'm sorry about this morning..." Roger said to me quietly. Making sure no one else could hear him. "Can we talk after the show tonight?" he asked me. I felt I owed him something after leaving him without a chance for any words earlier today. I nodded slightly and he looked pleased as he walked away. It was the least I could do.

We finished our show and stood to take our bows in the center of the stage. Roger stepped down from his kit and I made room for him next to me as we all put our arms around each other. The heat in the auditorium was stifling and we were all dripping as we took a final bow and then waived as we headed off the stage. I was the last in line and watched the others get handed their robes and towels as they left the stage area. I handed off my guitar and received my own robe. I grabbed a towel and wiped at my wet face and saturated hair. I really wanted a shower. We all felt the show went well and were animated and happy on our walk to the dressing room. Despite us all being drenched, our spirits were high. We arrived at the dressing room and greeted some guests that had loitered about. I was really uncomfortable from sweating so much and wanted to get out of my stage clothes. After a few minutes talking to our visitors, I excused myself and went in to the inner dressing area. I was alone and savored the quiet for a moment as I peeled off my tunic and laid it on the chair next to me. My trousers proved difficult due to the amount of sweat. I finally got them past my knees and was stepping out of them when the door opened. I made sure no one could see me from the doorway as I saw Roger come in. 

"Your clothes sticking to you as well?" he asked me as he walked over to his bench. 

"Yeah...I couldn't take it anymore.... I really want a shower..." I told him as I grabbed my robe and slipped it on over my damp briefs. I walked to the shower room door and flipped the light on and stepped inside. There were private stalls with curtains so I went to one and pulled the curtain back to warm the water up. I got it to the desired temperature and pulled my robe off and hung it on the peg outside the stall. I slipped in and pulled off my briefs and laid them over the shower rod. The water felt amazing as I stepped under it. I let myself get completely drenched and leaned against the wall with my hands as it poured over my back. I turned and found the soap and began lathering it up to clean myself. I let my hair get rinsed as I worked the soap in to my chest. I closed my eyes to savor the warm water. I jumped when I heard some noise. The shower next to me was turned on and I realized Roger was going to clean up as well. I got myself washed and rinsed and stood a little longer enjoying the experience before I turned my water off. I shook myself dry a bit and tried to wring my hair out. I reached out and grabbed my robe from the peg and pulled it around me. I got the belt cinched and stepped out as I tucked my soiled briefs in my pocket.

"Hey Bri....is there any more soap in your shower?" Roger asked me. I looked back and found another bar that was unused. I stepped back in and grabbed it and went over to his stall.

"Yeah...here you go..." I told him. He pulled the shower curtain open and took the bar from my hand and turned around. 

"Close the curtain for me...will you?" he asked me as he stepped in to his stream of water. I grabbed the edge of his curtain and couldn't help but notice his perfect backside staring me in the face as I pulled his curtain to the edge of the wall. Fuck! I hurried out of the shower room and went to get dressed. All I could think about was how beautiful he looked with the water running down his smooth and toned back. How round and soft his bottom looked as he moved his legs to get under the water better. His long golden hair flat down his shoulders. I felt a pull on my fresh pair of briefs and realized I was feeling aroused. Shit! I don't want or need this right now! I groaned as I pulled my clothes on and fumbled around for my things. I wanted to get out of the back dressing area before he came in from his shower. I pulled my clogs on and got up to walk to the door when Roger came out of the shower room and was dressed in his own thick robe.

"We still going to talk?" he asked me as he walked to his bench. I nodded to him and turned the door handle to leave. "Can we talk now?" Roger asked me as he began removing his robe.

"How about at the hotel..." I responded as I slipped out the door. I made my escape and was relieved to find only a few people remained in the main visiting area.

\---------------------

I rode in the same car as Roger back to the hotel but it was a large back seat and I kept my distance. We weren't going to say anything in front of the driver so we were mostly silent on the ride back. We got to the hotel and made our way towards the elevators. We were only stopped once for an autograph and some words of praise from a pair of male fans. We got on the lift and Roger pressed the button.

"I need to stop in my room for a minute..." I told Roger as we rode to our floor. "I need to take my pill..." I reminded him.

"Alright...just promise you won't fall asleep on me when we talk.." Roger asked me with a light air to his tone. I understood his concern and appreciated him trying to inject humor in his meaning.

"Okay....don't worry.." I assured him. We arrived at the floor and stepped off. I watched Roger walk past me as I opened my room door. I stepped inside and dropped my bag on the bed as I went in to the bathroom. I found my pill sitting on the counter on top of a note from Chrissie.

Brian

I hope your show went well and you are feeling good tonight

I want to thank you for your advice today regarding taking chances

I think I might find some bravery and add a little risk to my life

Sometimes I feel like I overthink things and should just go with my gut

I hope you find your bravery again

Good night

Chrissie

P.S. Remember you have a call with Dr. Fischer tomorrow and we are increasing your medication dosage

Her note struck a chord with me. I was busy telling her to take chances when I don't seem to be able to anymore. I had felt something again with Roger today and denied myself the chance to explore it. I let my head get consumed with the thoughts of his cheating. While it hurt me a lot that he did this, he has been so remorseful. He has told me more than once he doesn't want to be with any other people. Just me. I don't know if I want him back for good but I was certainly feeling like I wanted him. It had been so long since we were intimate. Since I have even felt anything close to arousal. He has been on my mind ever since that kiss this morning and I can't seem to get him out of my system right now. I wasn't sure what to do.

I filled my glass with water and quickly swallowed my pill. I walked out of the bathroom and headed out my hotel room door. I quietly walked to Roger's door and knocked. He opened the door and smiled. I'm sure he was glad I actually showed up to talk. He let me in his room and walked over to sit on his bed. He had removed his shoes and socks and looked comfortable.

"Thanks for coming..." Roger told me as he shuffled over and leaned back against the headboard. I would have normally taken the empty chair in his room to have this type of discussion. Instead I walked over and sat on the end of the bed by his feet. I wanted to be close to him.

"I'm sorry I left this morning....I was too wrapped up in my head to talk then..." I explained to him. He looked understanding.

"I get that..." he replied. "I hope you'll talk to me now.." he requested. I placed my hand on his calf and rubbed it lightly. Wanting to reassure him of my intentions.

"I'm listening.." I told him gently. He looked pleased to see my amiable expression and contact with his body.

"I know I asked you where we stood a few nights back and you weren't sure..." Roger began. He seemed a little tense so I let my hand rest on his ankle and gently squeezed it to reassure him. "I know you asked for time and I want to give you that...I just...I want you to know that I hope you consider all that we have together...the life we have built...Tiger Lily...well...everything...when you make your decision." I got what Roger was saying but felt he hadn't considered all this when he decided to cheat.

"Those are all valid points Rog....but can I ask why you didn't remember all this when you decided to cheat?" I asked him and tried to keep my tone balanced. I don't want to fight but I want him to hear me. Understand how I feel. I could tell my words had made their impact.

"You are right to ask me that....I didn't think! That is the best answer I can give you..." Roger readily confessed to me. "I know now that I was so consumed with my anger and resentment about ending up with Tigs in the way that it happened. I only seemed to be able to act out and not think at all..." he explained to me. His face showed true remorse as he spoke. "I felt like my youth had been stolen from me and that I was being saddled with a responsibility I didn't want or need....I hated Kim and I hated myself for putting me in that situation..."

"So you punished me for it?" I said bitterly. I hadn't realized I felt this way but it slipped out. Roger's face registered the sting of my words.

"That wasn't my intention Bri...I'm sorry it made you feel that way.." Roger shifted on the bed and I pulled my hand away from his leg as he reached over and picked up his glass of water. I watched him take a drink while I sorted through my feelings.

"I guess you lying to me and not telling me what was going on at the time is part of what hurts Rog....maybe if you had come clean at the time it wouldn't be so bad..." I conveyed to him. "You just went on this destructive path and wouldn't really talk to me about what was eating you up..." Roger's expression grew dark and his face was pink. I could see him clench the glass in his hand.

"I think you might want to listen to your own words....we are both guilty of not talking about what was eating us up inside..." Roger's remark cut right through me. He was right! I had really done the same thing to him. Not talked to him about my dark thoughts and kept it bottled up. I never told him I was having that dream again and all my insecurities about Tiger Lily. I let it build until it became destructive. Just in a different way.

"You are right...I think we both failed to be honest with each other....even with ourselves..." I offered to him. Roger seemed gratified to hear me acknowledge my own blame. He set his glass down and looked at me. He expression softened.

"So I guess we both need to learn to talk more about what is going on with us..." I expressed to him. Roger leaned over from his place on the bed and took my hand that was resting on his leg.

"I think we both need to be better listeners as well..." he replied. "There were times Bri that I tried to tell you how I was feeling but you just told me I had to grow up and be an adult about things....I want you to know it didn't help me....it just made me resentful...." Roger explained to me as he ran his hand over mine. He looked me in the eyes and I could see the pain I had caused him. "I'm not saying what I did in any way is your fault but I was angry at you....angry that you adapted so well to having Tiger Lily in our lives and I couldn't seem to..." 

"I'm sorry....I didn't mean to make you feel that way....I guess it seemed to me that you were being selfish...immature by choice...." I told him. "I can see how that would have made you resent me...." I moved up on the bed a little to better hold his hand. It felt good to talk about this. I am glad we aren't fighting and just trying to hear each other out. Roger laced our fingers together and his face showed me he was really listening.

"I think we have a lot more we need to talk about....but for now....can I just get a hug?" Roger asked me with a vulnerability that reminded me he might be as fragile as I feel sometimes. I nodded to him and smiled gently as we both moved towards each other on the bed. I pulled him in to my arms and held him close. He wrapped his arms around my back and I could feel him breathing against me. He was so warm and it felt like home to have him in my embrace. We stayed there holding each other as I felt my head get hazy and my body become loose. I couldn't keep my eyes open and felt them slowly close.


	47. Are You Ready for A Show? Part 4

31 January 1976

Boston MA

Roger's POV

I laid in the bed and watched Brian sleeping next to me. It felt so good to have him here. I know he fell asleep because of his sleeping pill, but I couldn't walk him back to his room after he was out so he had to stay the night to sleep it off. I did manage to get his clothes off and got him tucked in the blankets. I woke up to find him still sound asleep and rolled over and put my arm around him. I couldn't help myself. I nestled my head in to his shoulder and inhaled his scent, enjoying the feel of him against me while I had it. I decided if he woke up I would pretend to be asleep so he wouldn't know it was intentional. 

My little fantasy was disturbed by a knock on my hotel room door. I groaned as I slipped away from Brian and fumbled for my robe. I got it on and reached the door.

"Who is it?" I asked quietly and tried to look back to see what time it is. Were we late for the bus?"

"It's Chrissie Roger....I need your help.." I heard through the door. She sounded troubled so I immediately unlocked the door and opened it. Chrissie appeared distressed and I immediately felt concerned. 

"What is it?" I asked her. Chrissie was wringing her hands and appeared almost desperate. 

"Brian is missing...he never came back to his room last night...." she whispered to me and then looked up and down the hallway as she stood at my door. I immediately felt relief and smiled as I opened my room door to reveal the bed for Chrissie to see.

"He fell asleep here.....we were up late talking..." I explained as I stepped back to make sure Chrissie could see him safe and asleep. Chrissie exhaled a breath of relief as her fear was alleviated. I gestured for her to come in the room but she shook her head.

"It's fine....I'm just so relieved he is alright..." she whispered to me with the beginnings of a grin. "Let him sleep..." she told me as she slowly stepped away from my door. I closed my door and returned to the bed as I pulled off my robe. I climbed up on the bed and slowly resumed my spot next to Brian. As I went to lay down I noticed the time and felt deflated. We needed to be up in a few minutes. We have a bus to catch! I abandoned my fantasy and reached over to shake Brian awake. After a few attempts he finally stirred.

"Hey wake up....we've got to get around for the bus..." I told him gently as he opened his eyes and looked at me. 

"What are you doing in my room?" he asked me in a sleepy low voice. He wiped at his eyes with his hand.

"Brimi....you fell asleep in my room last night.." I told him as I pulled the blanket off of him to aid in waking him up. He realized he was only wearing his briefs and a t-shirt and almost looked panicked for a moment. "Don't worry....you only slept here...." I assured him as I walked over and grabbed his clothes for him. I brought them to him as he shivered a bit. He turned to sit up and took the clothes from me. We shared a glance and he almost appeared sheepish. Embarrassed. I wasn't sure why.

"I need to get to my room...." Brian told me in a timid voice as he pulled on his trousers. I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable so I skipped my compulsion to kiss him and walked to my bathroom door.

"I'm going to get ready...see you on the bus.." I told him as he stood up and looked around for his shoes. 

"Okay..." he said as I closed my door and sighed. I wondered if last night's talk had got us anywhere. I guess only time will tell.

\-----------------------  
En route to Philadelphia

Brian's POV

I couldn't stop thinking about the talk Roger and I had as we rode the bus to Philadelphia. I was seated next to Chrissie and we were watching Freddie, Deacy, Roger and David Minns play a heated game of scrabble. David has joined the tour as we left Boston and Freddie was in a great mood since his lover was going to be around for several cities. They weren't open to everyone about their relationship and I didn't mention it to Chrissie. It didn't seem necessary. 

Speaking of talking about private matters, I feel a bit embarrassed that Chrissie caught me sleeping with Roger last night. Sleep being the operative word. I'm sure she believes it was more though. I thought about correcting her perception but it felt awkward to bring it up. She had knocked on my room door not long after I returned from Roger's room. I was red when she asked if I slept all right. I muttered an answer as I disappeared in to the bathroom to avoid the topic with her so I get why she thinks I probably had sex with him.

As I watched Roger playing the game with the guys I couldn't help but consider the idea. It had been on my mind yesterday after seeing him in the shower. My mind crept back to the image of him standing in the water. His hands moving down his sides and brushing over his naked thighs as he rinsed himself. I smiled as I thought about his tiny heart tattoo at the edge of his bottom. I remembered when we first got the matching tattoos. It was a cute memory.

"Penny for your thoughts..." Chrissie asked me and bumped me out of my daydream. I had to think fast.

"Oh...just thinking about what word I would spell with Deacy's letters..." I told her as I purposely glanced at his game tray. She looked a little bored. I noticed we were coming in to the city so I turned and pointed out the bus window.

"When we were here last time, I remember this highway took us past the area where Independence Hall is. That's where the Declaration of Independence was signed.." I remarked as we headed towards the city center. Chrissie looked intrigued so I let her look out the bus window as more buildings came in to view. I noticed it was beginning to snow.

"Hey....it's snowing..." I announced. Everyone stopped their actions and glanced out the window. The flakes were getting bigger as we made our way down the highway. Chrissie and I spent the rest of the ride just watching the snow fall. We arrived at the hotel and stood up and gathered our things. I waited for Chrissie and we both got off the bus and went in to the hotel lobby. The air outside was frigid and I was grateful we only had to walk a few feet. We managed to avoid getting snowed on. We walked to the reception desk and waited with the others as Peter collected our keys. He came over and handed me two.

"4th floor..." he told us. I noted the room numbers and we got on the lift and headed up. Roger wasn't in our car so I wasn't sure where his room was. We made it to our rooms and I handed Chrissie her key. We both went in to our rooms and got settled as a bellboy showed up with our luggage. I got mine and then made sure Chrissie had everything and the bellboy left. We kept our adjoining door opened as Chrissie unpacked a few things and I freshened up in my bathroom. We have three shows in Philadelphia before heading to New York City. I decided to unpack a few things since we would be here a while.

"Don't forget you need to call Dr. Fischer in a bit.." Chrissie reminded me as she stood our in shared doorway. I glanced at my watch and saw I had about 45 minutes.

"Alright...you thirsty?" I asked her. I was in the mood for a soda and figured there would be a vending machine somewhere. 

"I'm good...thanks though..." she told me. "I'm going to take a bath and write a letter if that's okay..." she asked me. I nodded to her.

"Sure...see you in a bit then..." I replied. Chrissie closed our inner door and I finished putting away some clothes. I went to my bag to find some American coins and made sure I had plenty before I grabbed my room key and left. I went to the floor below mine via the stairs and found the vending machine. I bought a coca cola and used the bottle opener on the side of the machine. I headed back up the stairs and enjoyed a nice sip of the cold beverage. The fizz tickled my throat. It tasted so good. I opened the stairwell door and began walking down the hall when I saw Roger. He was going in to his room. He waived at me so I walked over and followed him in. He already had his luggage in his room. I sat in the chair as he opened his bags and pulled out some fresh clothes.

"I'm going to get a shower..." he told me as he set his clothes out on the bed. He kicked off his shoes and pulled his socks and jacket off. I sat and enjoyed the view as Roger unbuttoned his shirt and peeled it off his shoulders. He happened to turn and saw me watching him. I felt a little stain of blush when he caught me. Roger's mouth drew a smirk as he finished taking his shirt off. He walked over and looked at me.

"I'm thirsty..." he said to me casually as he eyed the soda bottle in my hand. I smiled at him and held up the bottle.

"Want a drink?" I asked him. He nodded and took the bottle from me. He took a big drink and set the bottle down on the table next to me. He leaned over me to do it and I felt a rush of excitement as his bare torso brushed my arm. Roger pulled back but looked right at me before he turned to go to the bathroom door. I saw him start to undo his trousers and my pants felt tight when I heard his zipper go down.

"I'll see you later..." I told him and leapt up from the chair and rushed out of his room. I couldn't take it any more and had to leave. I know if I stayed I might have joined him in the shower. I don't know if I want that. I mean I want him! I just don't know if I'm ready. I hate how complicated this is! I went back to my room and realized I had left my soda behind. There was no way I was going back for it. I checked my watch and decided to try and call Dr. Fischer early. I needed to talk so the timing was good. I pulled his phone number out of my notebook and dialed.

"Dr. Isaac Fischer's office.."

"It's Brian May calling...I have a phone appointment today with him and wondered if he is available now?" I asked his receptionist.

"One moment please..." she told me and placed me on hold. I sat and wished I had my soda as I waited for the doctor. The phone clicked.

"Brian? It's Dr. Fischer....how are you today?" he asked me. Boy is that a good question right now!

"Confused to be honest..." I told him. I heard the doctor make a sound that seemed like a chuckle. I smiled at the humor of it.

"What seems to be the subject of this confusion?" he asked me. I laid back on the bed and almost laughed as I realized it was like I was laying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office.

"Roger...I think I want to get back with him...." I confessed to the doctor. I was surprised when I heard him almost make a heavy sigh in to the phone.

"Brian....can I ask you to take some more time to think about this...." the doctor replied. I wondered why he wanted me to do this. 

"Why do you feel I should take more time? I asked him. I love Roger and feel like I probably can forgive him. I'm confused.

"Remember when we talked about the difficulties of being in a homosexual relationship?" he reminded me. 

"Yes...I remember.." I recalled our frank discussion about being with someone and not being able to be open about it and the worry of being found out. Of losing a career and reputation from societal judgement.

"I'm concerned that adding this stress on top of your other issues makes your recovery a challenge..." he explained to me. 

"But I feel like I'm doing fairly well to be honest..." I told him. "I believe I am going to get better and I think I can manage being with Rog again..." 

"Brian...what will you do when he does something else? When he starts drinking to excess or doing drugs....when he cheats again? Didn't you tell me this wasn't the first time he had cheated?" I hadn't thought about this aspect of getting back with him and it did make me hesitate in my decision. "With your success growing by leaps and bounds you are more high profile than ever.....can you handle the pressure of fame and risking it all to be with him?"

"I hadn't really thought about it that way..." I confessed to him I a quiet voice. I suddenly felt like I had made a rash decision and was glad I had spoke to the doctor first. "I guess I will think about it some more...consider those points you've made..." I answered. 

"Did you ask Roger about seeing other people?" the doctor asked me.

"I did ask him to see other people...to work out his issues with needing attention and enjoying fame in that way..." I explained to him. "Roger told me he isn't interested and just wants to be with me..." 

"Did it occur to you that he might have told you that just to get you back?" I hadn't considered this and my stomach churned at the thought. Had Roger just said that to me to convince me to resume our relationship? I am confused and hate the way all this is making me feel inside.

"No...I don't think Roger would do that..." I felt a need to defend Roger. I wasn't entirely sure he was lying to me about not wanting to be with anyone else. He seemed truthful when we spoke about it. "I feel like he was telling me the truth when he said it.." I argued to the doctor. 

"But this isn't the first time Roger has lied to you to avoid trouble or to get what he wants Brian...please think about this alright?" he replied with a firm tone. I felt like he was almost lecturing me and I had the same sense of guilt and shame I get from my father. My stomach churned again.

"Okay...." I replied in a small voice; feeling almost intimidated. Not wanting to get in an argument with him. 

"I know you love Roger but you should really consider what a normal relationship would do for you Brian....if you had a girlfriend or wife....you could be open about it and not have the constant worry..."

"But what about Tiger Lily?" I cut the doctor off. I don't want to give up my baby. If I leave Roger then I am walking away from her and I don't like the way it makes me feel. I hate the thought of not being in her life. Her not being in mine. I love her.

"Did you ever consider that if you have a girlfriend or wife that she could give you a child of your own?" he countered to me. "A child you can tell the world is yours...one you don't have to hide your relationship with..." I hated how much the doctor made sense. It hurt to think that I was making bad choices on my own. 

"I get your point..." I agreed with him to try and end the discussion. 

"I'm glad to hear it...." he replied. "I want what is best for you Brian...that is why I let you go on tour and helped you arrange to have the nurse with you..." I know he is just trying to help me but I didn't like the way he was making me feel right now. Like I can't think for myself anymore. 

"I know and I appreciate it.." I answered hoping to satisfy him. 

"How are things going with Chrissie on board? Is it proving to be a help to you?" he asked me sincerely. His voice sounded softer and more amiable. I felt a little lighter.

"It's been really good...she is easy to talk to and I feel like she is looking out for me...trying to be helpful and make things easy for me..." I answered. I do really feel she has been a great help.

"I'm glad to hear this..it sounds like she is a good person to have around..." I smiled at his satisfaction with my choice in caregiver. At least one thing had pleased him.

"How are you feeling about performing?" the doctor asked me. I explained how I was managing my sleep with the help of the pills and had enough energy for the shows. I felt good when I played and got a lot of satisfaction from being with the band and interacting with the audience. This has been a good decision. He asked how I was getting along with the band and the crew. I told him it was good. As far as being with Roger in a band capacity, things were great. We were good at keeping our personal issues off the stage. We always have.

"Brian...I hope you will think about the items we talked about today...we can talk again next week and you can let me know how you are feeling....of course...if something comes up...be sure and call me..." he offered to me. "Don't forget that you are increasing your medications..." he reminded me. I wasn't sure about this. I feel like I am doing pretty well and wonder if I need more medication. I don't like taking any of it to begin with.

"Are you sure I need this? I feel like I am doing alright on my current dosage..." I asked him. 

"We had this all planned...let's just keep to our course..." he told me. I decided I didn't want to argue about it and just let it go. He already seemed disappointed enough in me.

"Okay....I'll let Chrissie know to stick with the increase..." I answered.

"Good...now let's visit next week...same time...does that work for you?" he asked me. I picked up the tour itinerary and looked at next Tuesday. 

"Yes...we will be in New York...it's fine.." 

"I will let you go then....take care of yourself Brian..." he told me and we ended our call. I had hoped talking to him would make me feel better about myself and my decision about Roger. I was left feeling insecure and doubtful of my choices. Was I really getting better? I felt the urge to just lay down and sleep. Try and not think any more about how I am feeling right now. I hadn't felt this low for a few weeks. I grabbed a blanket from the bottom of the bed and covered myself with it and closed my eyes. I just don't want to feel this way right now.

\---------------------

Roger's POV

I really feel like Brian is going to get back together with me. I've noticed him watching me more than once now in that old way. I know he wants me. I could see it in his face when I caught him staring at my body. When he was watching me pull off my clothes for the shower I felt so excited and actually hoped he might act on his urges. I was disappointed when he left my room but I was certain the pull was there. I kept hope and took my shower. I got dressed and noticed he had left his soda in my room. It was warm now and I felt bad that he didn't drink it all. I got an idea and grabbed some money and went looking for the vending machine. I found it on the lower floor and bought two coca colas. I went back upstairs and knocked on his room door. I waited but never got an answer. I wondered if he had gone somewhere. I knocked again to be sure and waited. Nothing. It was a let down. I walked back to my room and put his bottle on the table and turned the television on in my room. I sat on the bed and took a drink. It was going to be a long afternoon.

\----------------------

It was time to head for the venue so I left my room and knocked on Brian's door.

"Hang on..." I heard him call out. After a minute he opened his door and was standing with a toothbrush in his mouth. He walked back to the bathroom as I walked in his room. I leaned against his wall and waited for him to finish. I heard adjoining room door open and Chrissie walked in.

"Oh! Hi!" she exclaimed to me as she saw me standing there. "I thought Brian called me for..." she remarked as she noticed him in the bathroom.

"We are getting ready to head out for the venue..." I explained to her. She nodded understanding. 

"Do you need anything before you go Brian?" she called to him. He was wiping his face with a towel as he stuck his face around the bathroom door.

"I'm good....just need to remember my medication change tonight..." he told her. I didn't know what that was about but watched him walk in and get his shoes. He slipped them on and reached for his coat. "I'll see you later..." he told Chrissie as we both headed for his door. Once we were in the hallway, I felt a compulsion to take his hand. I wouldn't do it in the hall so I waited for the lift. We got inside and luckily were alone. When the door closed I reached over and grabbed his hand. He didn't grasp mine back and just let me lightly hold his. I looked up at him and saw unease in his face. I let his hand go and wondered what was wrong. Everything from yesterday and earlier today felt like it was leading up to this so I had hoped holding his hand would tell him where I am at. That I want to be with him.

"Sorry about the hand..." I said to him. Brian's unease showed even more and I felt like I had made this ride awkward. I moved a little away from him to give him space; wondering what had changed in the past few hours. The rest of our ride was silent. We arrived in the lobby and got busy heading out to the cars to drive to the venue. We both got in the same car, which isn't unusual for us and took off for the theatre. 

"Can we talk some more after the show?" I asked him; hoping I could find out what was on his mind right now and why he was feeling uneasy about us all of the sudden. Brian wouldn't look at me and peered out the car window. 

"Maybe another night....I'm tired..." he told me. "I had a phone call with Dr. Fischer today and I'm talked out right now..." he explained. I nodded understanding and gave him a small smile.

"I understand...another night then..." I replied. Our ride to the venue was a quiet one. I spent it watching Brian look out in the distance. I kind of felt like there was a new distance between us and I didn't understand why.


	48. Are You Ready for A Show? Part 5

8th February 1976

New York City

Roger's POV

I wish I know what changed in those precious few hours that day in Philadelphia but I might never know. Brian won't talk to me. I have tried numerous times to get him alone to find out what he is thinking. Where he is at with us. I am convinced he is avoiding the topic. When we have to be together for press or a show everything feels fairly normal. He talks to me and is friendly but when I've asked for a private word, he is full of excuses and seems to find a way out of meeting privately. His main excuse is dealing with a problem with his medication though I'm pretty sure that is partly the truth. He seems to be struggling right now and I feel helpless watching him. I can see that this increase in the dosage has caused him to feel sluggish and unfocused. Because of this he is spending any time not required for work sequestered in his hotel room. I know he is saving all his energy for the stage, but I'm worried. His medication is supposed to help him but right now it's a hindrance. It's really becoming a concern. But he won't talk to me. I don't know what to do.

"Only at 38? That's unacceptable!" I heard Freddie rant to David Minns as we sat in the hotel restaurant having some lunch. David has the unfortunate job of telling Freddie where our single is charting. Bohemian Rhapsody has only reached 38. Its frustrating to hear this as we have worked diligently to move it up the charts. Between our heavy tour schedule we are talking to press and radio people constantly. Since we arrived in New York it has felt non stop. But it's part of the job. I checked my watch and found we have 30 minutes before our next interview. I got up from the table and went to the house phone by the restaurant entrance. I dialed Brian's room. 

"Hello?" It was Chrissie that answered. I guess he is having her field his phone calls now.

"Hi Chrissie...can you let Brian know he needs to be in suite 105 in 30 minutes? It's another interview.."

"Okay....I'll get him up and make sure he is there.." she hung up the phone and I realized she said she had to get him up. Is he still asleep? It's 1:30 in the afternoon. I shook my head in frustration as I returned to the table.

"Rog....what do you think" Freddie asked me. I hadn't heard what he was saying as I sat down.

"Sorry Freddie...what was it?" Freddie rolled his eyes and huffed at me.

"Oh...never mind!" he snapped back and got up from the table. I felt bad that I had missed what he said but he was apparently in a bad mood.

"Suit yourself!" I snapped back as he grabbed his notebook and walked off. David gave me an apologetic look and stood up to follow him.

"Sorry about that...see you in a bit..." David told me as he rushed out to catch up to Freddie. I glanced over at Deacy as he took a bite of his baked chicken. He finished chewing and looked at me.

"Freddie wanted to know if you wanted to go to a club tonight....though I think he is annoyed at you right now.,," Deacy explained to me. I didn't have a clue what he would be mad about.

"What did I do?" I asked him with annoyance in my tone. Deacy moved his lunch plate away from him and sighed.

"He's annoyed that you and Brian aren't together yet....." Deacy answered and looked at me with sympathy. "Apparently you are going to ruin Valentine's Day for him..." I sighed and abandoned the rest of my lunch. 

'Like it isn't ruined for me already?" I replied. 

"I tried to tell him that..." Deacy told me as he got up from the table. "But you know how he is sometimes..." He walked over and pressed my shoulder with his hand. "Sorry Rog..." 

"Thanks Deaks...." I told him as he walked out of the dining room. I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter and headed out myself. I wanted a smoke before the interview. I stepped into a lounge where there were a lot of smokers and took a seat and had a cigarette. I noticed several attractive women sitting in the corner who were gossiping and smoking. One of them glanced my way and winked at me. I smiled thinly at her and hurriedly finished my cigarette before she could approach me. I went to the suite for the interview and found the door was open.

Peter and the others arrived and we all got seated. I glanced at my watch and wondered where Brian is. I saw Peter get up and walk to the house phone. He made a call and I noticed the journalist walk in to the room. We all stood up to exchange greetings. I saw Peter walk back over.

"Richard...I'm afraid it's just the three of them today...my apologies but Brian is ill and needs to rest up for the show tonight..." Peter informed the reporter. I was surprised that Brian was missing the interview. I was concerned and a bit annoyed. I had to work to remain focused during the interview and was grateful when we finished up and stood as Peter walked the journalist out.

"What is going on with Brian?" Freddie asked me with concern after the reporter left the room. 

"I'm going to go find out...." I replied and headed for the lift. I got to our floor and went straight to his room. I knocked and waited. After a minute the door opened just a little bit and Chrissie peeked at me through the crack. She looked uncomfortable.

"He doesn't want to see anyone right now...." she told me quietly. I was getting pissed at his constant avoidance and felt I'd had enough. I pushed at the door.

"Well that's too bad..." I told her and forced the door open. She jumped back in surprise as I came in the room. I heard her close the door behind me as I looked over at Brian's slumped figure in the bed. His back was turned to me and he was covered with the blanket. I walked over to his side of the bed and stood in front of him. I could tell he had probably just woke up.

"Get up!" I told him forcefully. I stood with my hands on my hips and glared at him as he gave me a look of aggravation and tried to roll away from me. I reached over to stop him and he flung his arm out at me.

"Leave me alone!" he shouted at me. I got hold of his arm and forced him to stay put as he pushed away from me.

"I won't leave you alone! You missed the interview and you've avoided talking to me for a week....get up and talk to me Brian! What is going on?" I demanded. He relented and moved to sit up on the bed. He took his time and his face held a scowl. I know I pissed him off but that is too bad. I'm pretty angry myself. 

"I don't feel good Rog...I just want to be left alone..." he told me as he ran his hands over his face and avoided looking at me. I noticed his hair was a disaster and he needed to shave. I don't think he had taken a shower. 

"I've left you alone and you've only got worse....missing an interview? You are going to skip those now as well? This isn't you Bri!" I advised him as I stood with arms folded in front of me and a stern look on my face.

"Just leave me alone!" he shouted at me. "I'll be at the show alright?...but leave me alone ..." 

"What about us? When are we going to talk about us?" I didn't mean to ask him this but not being able to talk to him was driving me crazy. Not knowing is starting to become agonizing. Brian buried his face in his hands and wouldn't look at me.

"I need more time...." he mumbled to me. I feel like he is trying to avoid the inevitable. He is going to tell me he doesn't want to get back together. I just know it! I don't understand. We were getting along and things felt like they were good. 

"What happened in Philadelphia?" I asked him. "I thought we were headed to a good place..." I questioned to him. "What changed?" I asked. Brian wouldn't look at me and he didn't say a word. My fear is turning to anger so I know I need to leave.

"Fine! See you at the show!" I barked at him and stormed to his door and flung it open and left.

\-----------------------

I rode to the show with Deacy and Brian rode with Chrissie and Gerry Stickells. When we were in the dressing room he seemed fine. He tried to make conversation with everyone but it was clear it was a big effort for him. His eyes looked red and puffy. I was afraid someone would think he is on drugs. I realized that in a way he is. I wondered if his medication dosage was too high for him.

We got ready and did the show. His performance wasn't his best but the crowd wouldn't know the difference. Freddie is definitely annoyed but also concerned. I could see him and Deacy exchanging comments as we dressed to leave the venue. I wanted to talk to Brian after the show and try to at least patch things up but he quickly changed clothes and left with Chrissie. The rest of us showered and got dressed. Freddie made one more invitation for me to go clubbing but I passed on it. Deacy was coerced into going and I took a car back to the hotel alone.

My room felt lonely and I couldn't stop thinking about the fight with Brian. I wanted to march to his room and demand we talk until he gives in but I knew this wouldn't get me anywhere. I tried to find something on the television but felt restless. I grabbed my cigarettes and jacket and headed down to the bar in the lobby. I figured a glass of whiskey would help settle my nerves and I would sleep better. The bar is a nice one and I got my whiskey and settled in a booth towards the back. I hoped to avoid any fans and lit a cigarette as I nursed my drink.

"Can I bum a light from you?" A woman's voice asked me. I was surprised at the British accent and I turned and saw a young woman holding out a cigarette towards me. I nodded and grabbed my lighter and reached over to light it for her. "Thanks..." she told me as she took a drag and smiled at me.

"You're British?" I asked her. Her face lit up when she heard me speak.

"You as well? What a coincidence!" she remarked to me. She stood smoking her cigarette and looked me over and smiled at me. I noticed she had medium length brown hair that she parted in the middle. She was attractive in an intelligent kind of way. She was different.

"You from London?" I asked her. She nodded and I gestured at the empty seat across from me. She walked over to a small table and grabbed her drink and purse and came back to join me. 

"I am...I believe you might be from the West if I am not mistaken..." she remarked to me. I smiled at her well played guess.

"Grew up in Truro...Cornwall..." I answered. She seemed pleased with her accurate observation of me. She took a sip of her drink.

"So are you here on business or pleasure?" she asked me as she eyed me with interest.

"Business...and you?" I asked. 

"Business as well...I'm here doing some research..." she revealed to me. "I'm a writer...working on an article...I hope if it pans out...I might turn it in to a book.." I was intrigued and smiled at her.

"A writer? Would I know your work?" I asked her. She waived her hand at me dismissively. 

"That's doubtful...I've only been published a few times...mostly rubbish for women's magazines...this is something more serious..." 

"And what is the topic if you don't mind me asking..." 

"A biography of Gertrude Stein...you may have never heard of her..." she explained to me. "She was an American writer who lived in France most of her life....she was a bit scandalous for her time..." she revealed to me with a hint of mischief in her eyes. 

"Scandalous?" I questioned to her. Jo looked smug as she leaned in towards me.

"She was openly gay and lived with her long time female partner..." she replied. I instantly smiled hearing this. This was a story I might want to read.

"Oh really?" I said to her with my own hint of mischief. "Do you find gay people scandalous?" I asked her; curious how she feels about homosexuality. She leaned in to me again.

"No...just that society finds them scandalous....." she replied to me with a wink. I laughed out loud and found her honesty refreshing. I liked the gleam in her eye as she looked at me. Then it occurred to me she might be trying to come on to me. Shit! My smile faded fast.

"Hey....I don't want to give you the wrong impression....I'm just here for a drink...trying to kill some time...I'm not interested in a pick up...." I told her bluntly but in a soft manner. She raised her eyebrows at me and then had an amused grin form on her face.

"Boy! You are full of yourself! Do you assume that every female that speaks to you wants to fuck you?" she asked me bluntly. I was caught off guard by her candid remark. I almost laughed as I thought it sounded like something I would say. 

"No...but I do get a lot of offers..." I told her with a charming smile. She laughed at me and slapped the table.

"Well...I hope I can alleviate your worries...what's your name?" she asked me. 

"Roger.....and you?" I asked in return.

"It's Jo...so...Roger....I hope I can alleviate your worries....not looking to get laid...I really was just looking for a light!" she advised me in a concise manner. She went to stand up and I reached out and stopped her.

"Jo! Sorry....it's been a shit day. Can I buy you a drink?" I asked her. "Want to help me kill some time?" I said sincerely. She got her smile back and scooted back in to the booth.

"I'll have a whisky...neat.." she told me. "Killing time works for me...." she remarked as she pulled a fresh cigarette from her purse. I grabbed my lighter and got it lit for her. "Sorry about the harsh comeback....I'm glad you aren't looking for a pickup....it would be nice just to have a conversation with a man without the weight of sexual expectations....you know what I mean?" she said to me.

I laughed and nodded my head. "I do yeah.." I replied. "I'm a little gun shy about killing time with a female to be honest...the last time I met a woman in a hotel bar I got her pregnant!" I confessed to her. She burst out laughing at me and leaned back in the booth. It took her a minute to calm down and she patted her stomach from giggling so hard.

"Ahhhh...that is too funny..." she told me. "At least you know you're safe with me..." she added. I strangely did feel safe with her. She is funny and charming and we both like to laugh. This was nice.

"So what do you do Roger? Why are you in New York City?" she asked me. I took a drink and smiled at her.

"Do you like rock music?"

\----------------------------

\--5 am--

"So then I told him I needed him to tell me what had changed since Philadelphia but he wouldn't answer me.." I cried to her as I wove my tale of woe for her. After a few drinks and laughs she somehow coerced my whole life story out of me. I think she missed her calling. She should interrogate witnesses. She sat next to me on my hotel bed and kept her arm around me. We had shut down the hotel bar and moved to my room to keep talking. She passed me the bottle of whisky and patted my leg.

"Roger...I'm so sorry about you and Brian...." she told me as I took another drink of whisky and wiped my runny nose and watering eyes on my shirt sleeve. "I really think you should have a doctor look at him....that doesn't sound right...those medications and his mood...get a different opinion" she told me. I nodded that I heard her and took another drink before I handed her back the bottle.

"I think you're right Jo..." I replied. "Maybe I should check if there is a doctor in the city we can see.." I remarked. "I just have to see if I can get him and Chrissie to agree to it..." Jo looked at me with confidence.

"I am sure you can convince them...but if you need any help you let me know..." she offered. I smiled at her as best I could with a face battered with tears. I had got drunk and become quite emotional as we talked about Brian and I. I didn't mean to unload it all on her but she encouraged me and said it sounded like I needed to talk about it. I did. I feel better getting it all out. She is a good listener.

"Thanks Jo....I do feel better....well...except for the drunk part.." I told her with a snort. "I'll regret that in the morning.." She laughed at me and leaned in to me.

"Roger...it already is morning..." she told me as she pointed at the clock in the room.

"Fuck!" I shouted and groaned at the realization I had been up all night. I had met her in the bar around midnight so it had been a long haul.

"Fuck is right!" she told me with a laugh as she set the whisky bottle on the nightstand and started to get off the bed. "I think you need to get some sleep drummer boy...." she teased me as she stood up from the bed and walked to my bathroom.

"I'm going to take a piss and head on out..." she said as she closed the door. I slid off the bed and pulled my jacket off and got my bedclothes pulled down. I was tired and knew I could fall asleep from being intoxicated. I pulled my shirt off and unzipped my jeans and peeled them off. I kicked my legs out of them and climbed on the bed and pulled the covers over me. I laid down on the pillow and closed my eyes. Jo came out of the bathroom and walked over and leaned down. She kissed my forehead.

"Sweet dreams drummer boy!" she told me as she walked over to my desk. She grabbed a pen and notepad and wrote something down. "I'm leaving my room number for you....call me when you crawl out of your hangover..." she told me as she finished writing and walked towards the door. I love how easy going she is and so full of life. I need a friend right now. One that isn't entrenched in the Queen world. One that isn't just interested in going to bed with me. 

"Thanks Jo...I think I might love you..." I told her as she opened the door. She winked at me and gave me a coy expression.

"Oh...that's what all the boys tell me after we spend the night crying together..." She walked out and closed my door. I couldn't resist the pull of sleep and closed my eyes.

\----------------

9th February 1976

I didn't get to sleep much as I had a bus to catch. I grumbled as the alarm clock went off and crawled out of bed. I quickly took some pain killers and drank several large glasses of water. I took a shower to help wake me up and wash away my hangover. I hurried about my room to pack up my things and found Jo's note. I quickly picked up the phone and dialed her room number. The phone rang several times and I was disappointed to not reach her. I stuck her note in my pocket and picked up my bags. I walked out of my room and saw one of the road crew, Vick, coming through with a luggage cart.

"You ready?" he asked me as he approached. I nodded and opened my room door as he stepped in and took my bags. He loaded them on the cart as I grabbed my day bag and checked my room again for any items.

"Who was that nice piece of ass I saw leaving your room this morning?" the roadie asked me. My face burned partly with embarrassment at being found out regarding her late night visit. The bigger part was being pissed off at his choice of description of her.

"Vic....she's just a friend and if you ever call her that again...I'll knock that smug look right off your face!" I barked at him. He appeared regretful.

"Sorry mate...." he replied as he stuck his hand out to me. I shook it to show no hard feelings. He took off with the cart and I glanced over at Brian's door. I wanted to go over and talk to him. Tell him about Jo and how great she is. That I had made a friend. But he doesn't want to talk to me right now. I sighed and headed downstairs.

I walked up to the main reception desk to hand in my key. The attendant took my key and saw my room number. She went to a box and came back with a note for me. I opened it and smiled as I read it.

Dear Roger -

Something came up and I had to go to a meeting. Have a great trip and stay out of hotel bars. I am at the hotel for two more weeks. Same room. Give me a call. Let's keep in touch.

Jo

P.S. I hope you work things out with Brian. He sounds like a nice guy.

\-----------------

14th February 1976

Cleveland OH

My attempts to talk to Brian have been unsuccessful. I woke up this morning and realized it was Valentine's Day. Oh joy! I want so badly to corner Brian at the concert tonight and demand we talk but it feels pointless. He will just tell me he needs more time to think. It's what he keeps telling me. Thank god for Jo! She has turned out to be a real friend. I have her phone number at the hotel and have called her every day since we left the city. Those phone calls are keeping me sane right now. I have avoided talking to Freddie and Deacy as I feel like they have had to deal with Brian and I's drama enough. Since Brian is showing up for the press and shows, they have backed off trying to say anything to him about us. I don't want them to feel caught in the middle so I've dumped my troubles on Jo. She is great! She listens and doesn't judge. She is on my side. It has really helped to have someone in my corner.

Don't get me wrong. She has complained about her editor to me and a horrid phone call she had with her mother. Hearing about her problems as well as her funny stories have kept me occupied. My solitary hotel room is just that. Solitary. She is a comforting voice on the phone.

I had a knock on my hotel door as I was getting ready for a quick interview downstairs. Just a few questions from a local radio personality. I opened the door as I pulled my jacket on and was shocked to see Chrissie standing there. 

"Hey Chrissie..." she looked really troubled.

"Can I come in?" she asked me. "I need to talk to you...." I moved back and let her in my room. I checked my watch. I had about half an hour. I closed the door and watched her take a chair in my room. She placed her hands in her lap and seemed anxious. It worried me.

"Is everything alright? Is something wrong with Brian?" I asked her. She bit her lip and started speaking.

"I think we both know Brian is not alright..." she replied and she gripped the edge of the chair with her hands. I could see she is really troubled. "And I think I know why..." she said next.

"What is it?" 

"I need to tell you about a phone call I just had with Dr. Fischer..."

\---30 minutes earlier---

Chrissie's POV

"Hello?"

"Hi Chrissie! It's Dr. Fischer...how is our patient today?" I was expecting his call. He asked to speak to me separately from Brian. I was glad for the check-in. I'm worried about Brian's current state.

"I'm concerned Dr. Fischer...I think his medication change has not been beneficial...I'm worried that he is over medicated..."

"I see...well maybe he just needs more time to adjust to the dosage...let's give it a few more days..." He is the doctor so I have to try and follow his orders. Cooperate with him.

"Alright...."

"How is he otherwise? Is he still making it to his interviews and to the shows?"

"Yes....though it really seems to be more of an effort since his medication increase...he's drowsy and struggles with staying focused..."

"But he is performing...that is good...." Yes, Brian is handling his commitments but he is basically out of commission to rest of the time. It is troubling. He just sleeps and seems troubled about his relationship.

"He is yes...but his mood has darkened and he spends a lot of time in bed....I'm worried that his recovery is slipping....he seems to be really down about his problems with Roger.."

"Has he been spending time with him outside of their work responsibilities?"

"There was the one night he slept in Roger's room..."

"He did? He didn't mention that to me....are you aware of other times since then that they have spent together?" I wasn't sure how to respond to this. Not everything Brian does is my business. That is up to Brian to decide.

"Not really....I don't keep watch over him every minute...."

"Maybe you should....I think you need to try and keep him away from Roger..." I was surprised by this suggestion.

"Why?"

"Chrissie....are you aware that it was only this past year that homosexuality was removed from the DSM as a mental disorder? You know what the DSM is?"

"Yes...the diagnostic manual for mental disorders...I'm familiar with it....yes, homosexuality was removed as a mental disorder...I don't get your point.."

"Brian already has a mental disorder so he doesn't need to add to it...to be honest...I personally feel they should have kept homosexuality as a disorder..." I was completely taken aback by this information. I was really surprised that Brian was seeing a doctor who feels this way about homosexuality.

"Does Brian know that is how you see this?" 

"I have made it clear to Brian that it is in his best interest to pursue a healthy relationship with a woman....it is what would be best for him..." This was news to me. Brian had not mentioned this. It's clear to me that this may be part of what is troubling Brian. My concern about his care from this doctor manifested quickly.

"I see....Dr. Fischer....do you feel that a lot of Brian's issues are related to his relationship?" I need to know if this man is flat out homophobic.

"Yes...I do...I am certain if he seeks a loving relationship with a woman....he will no longer have the extent of depressive issues he currently has.."

"And you don't feel that his relationship with Roger is a loving one?"

"It's not normal or natural...so how can it be?" Well this answers my question. He is homophobic. Does Brian really know this?

"Dr. Fischer...I'll make sure to oversee Brian's medication schedule and I will do my best to deal with the situation with Roger..." I hoped I was using words that would tell him what he wants to hear without actually lying.

"That is wonderful Chrissie....you are an exemplary nurse..." I didn't really feel his opinion was complimentary considering the source. 

"Thank you Doctor...."

"Do you mind if I ask if you are single?" I found this to be a very unprofessional question. Why did he want to know?

"I'm not married...." I replied. I am curious why he wants to know.

"Do you find Brian attractive? I know he thinks highly of you....maybe you could be of even greater assistance to him than you already are.." I couldn't believe the audacity of this man! He wants to set me up with Brian. My face grew hot from embarrassment at his suggestion and anger at his beliefs and treatment of such a sweet young man.

"I don't think that would be professional....I need to go....Brian is calling for me.." I lied to try and end the call.

"Very well....please keep in touch....and keep me posted..." 

"Thank you doctor....goodbye..."

I hung up the telephone and walked straight to Roger's room. I need help.

\-------------------

"Roger...I think we need to talk to Brian..."


	49. Are You Ready for A Show? Part 6

14 February 1976

Cleveland OH

Roger's POV

I was stunned to hear Chrissie's telling of her phone conversation with Brian's doctor. This man is clearly out to keep us apart and to prevent Brian from engaging in any type of homosexual behavior. Not natural is what he told Chrissie! Loving Brian is the most natural thing I feel in my life. I couldn't begin to understand how this man even agreed to treat Brian except for the fact he wants to convert him. I felt anger surge up inside me. This man is a fucking monster!

"We are definitely talking to Brian! I can't believe this man! This doctor! He really said these things to you?" I asked her; still in disbelief. She nodded and seemed contrite. Like it was her fault somehow. I worked to stay calm and focus on the situation. "Chrissie...you are doing the right thing telling me and don't even begin to think you are in any way at fault for what has happened to Brian. In fact, I'm grateful you've been there for him....are here for him now....you clearly care about him....thank you for coming to me..." Chrissie appeared grateful for my words and tried to give me a smile. It fell short but I know she is worried about Brian. So am I.

"Thanks Roger...I want to help him...he is not doing well and I know you love him...will do anything to help him..."

"I do love him....I know I screwed up and you have been kinder to me than I probably deserve..." I told her. I checked my watch and realized I had to be downstairs in five minutes. Shit! "I have to meet someone downstairs...it can't be helped.....when I come back....we need to talk to Brian...alright?" I told her as I stood up and grabbed my room key.

It was too late to cancel my interview with the radio personality so I went downstairs and tried to calm down while in the lift. Everything Chrissie said was swimming through my brain. If what she said was true, it explained why Brian might have had a sudden change of heart about us. And why he has been putting me off when I want to talk about us. I was angry, sad and frightened right now. I tried to put it aside and focus on the interview. I found the man waiting for me in the lobby. We found a private corner and sat down. He had a tape recorder with him and began asking questions. I worked hard to remain focused and counted the minutes.

"I have with me Roger Taylor of the band Queen who are appearing at Public Hall tonight. They are climbing the charts with their latest single 'Bohemian Rhapsody' and touring North America through the mid March. Roger...how has the tour been so far? Are you enjoying this visit to America?"

"Any trip to America is exciting for us...this is our third time here and we always enjoy meeting the fans and playing all the different venues across your country...the crowds have been great!"

"You were in Cleveland last year on your tour...how do you find this part of the country?"

"Cold! To be honest....I would love to return and visit during the warmer months. The reception though from the fans is warm so that is always the best part..."

"What can we expect at the show tonight?" 

"A lot of great music! We are doing several songs from our new album and of course, 'Bohemian Rhapsody' will be featured. We have a fantastic stage setup and our light show is top of the line. The fans won't be disappointed!"

"Your new album is called 'A Night At The Opera!' Can we say there is an element of theater in your performances?" 

"Yes...that is our album title and yes...we do have a sense of drama and spectacle to our shows...come see the show and find out for yourselves..."

"That sounds like a great invitation...thank you Roger Taylor of Queen...who is personally inviting you to join them tonight at Public Hall. Some tickets are still available...the shows starts at 7pm....Roger....one last question....it's Valentine's Day....got a sweetheart to share this special day with?"

"There is someone I have in mind...." If he really knew who it was he would have the radio scoop of the year!

"Well Roger...enjoy your Valentine's Day here in our city and we will see you at the show tonight....the show starts at 7pm with supporting act The Cate Brothers....this is Rod Evans with WMMS news..."

\---------------------

We were finishing up the interview when I saw Peter Brown come walking up quickly. He looked distressed and formed a smile though as he neared the radio man. I knew something was wrong.

"All finished?" he asked us as we both stood up. Peter was rubbing his hands together and I could tell it was a way for him to keep calm. I had a bad feeling and my heart rate went up.

"Yes...thanks for your time Roger..." the radio man said as we shook hands. I smiled and thanked him as Peter watched.

"A word Roger?" he prompted to me and hustled me away from the interviewer. We were walking briskly towards the lift. "You are needed in Brian's room right now!" he told me once we were a safe distance from prying ears. I felt a bolt of fear rush through me as I shot towards the stairwell. What was wrong? A million horrible things filled my head as I flew up the stairs to our floor and went straight for Brian's room. As I run up to it I could make out the distant sounds of him crying and my heart shuddered. I tapped on the door gently despite wanting to break it down. Chrissie opened the door quickly. 

"Roger! Thank god! He is having some type of panic attack! He said something about having a dream and he won't calm down.." she told me frantically as she let me inside. I realized he was not in bed and Chrissie pointed to the closed bathroom door. Shit! I rushed over and bent down at the door. I tried the door but it was locked.

"Brian....it's me...." I told him through the door. "You told Chrissie you had a dream? What kind of dream?" I asked him in an low even voice. As soon as I said dream I remembered the bad dream he always used to have and wondered if it was that same dream. "Did you dream about the bridge?" I asked him. I waited to see if he would answer me. He was sniffing heavily and I heard some type of shuffling in the bathroom.

"I was on the bridge again..." he told me in a sad choked voice which broke my heart. I know how much that dream upsets him and it hurt to know he was having it again. The mark of judgement he always feels with it and the anxiety of being washed off the bridge. A lump formed in my throat just imagining how he was feeling. 

"You're awake now Brian....the dream can't hurt you..." I told him gently but loud enough for him to hear me. "Can you open the door so we can talk about it?" I asked. I heard him sniffling some more and he began crying again. I felt helpless and considered kicking the door in. I was afraid he might become distraught and hurt himself. An image flashed in my head of him being at the bathroom sink with a razor and I felt my own panic attack come on.

"Chrissie!" I whispered as I stepped away from the door. She came over and I grabbed her by the arm. "Please tell me there isn't a razor in that bathroom..." she shook her head and I instantly felt some relief. 

"He makes me keep his razor in my room..." she told me. I patted her arm in gratitude and turned back to the door. I got close to the door to try and hear as much as I could. I want so badly to see him and know he is okay. I pressed my hands to the door and laid my cheek against it. 

"Brian...I know that dream upsets you...you have to remember it's not real..." I assured him through the door. "Was anyone in the dream with you?" I asked; trying to get him to talk it out. It took him a minute to stop crying and he sniffled again.

"You were there...." he told me a that same sad voice. "And Tiger Lily...." he added and began to cry in a sad way. It sounded so melancholy my chest ached. I can't imagine how distressing it was for him to have her in this nightmare. I want him to open this door so I can touch him and hold him and ground him and make the pain go away. I clenched my fingers into fists to keep myself from breaking the door down.

"Brian....you are fine and I am here and I'm okay and Tiger Lily is just fine....I promise you.." I tried to convince him. His crying stopped and I felt a bit heartened by it. 

"You don't know that she's okay....she's not here..." he told me in heavy tone. An idea popped in my head.

"She isn't here...you're right....come out of the bathroom right now so we can call her..." I suggested to him. "I'm going to go to the phone right now and call...come out so you can hear her voice and know she is okay..." I told him and pulled myself off the door and walked over to the telephone in his room. I grabbed the handset and started dialing the number. "It's ringing!" I shouted out in the room hoping he could hear me. Chrissie looked hopeful as I stood and stared at the door while the phone rang in my ear.

"Hello..."

"Clare...it's me! I need you to get Tigs on the phone right now!" I told her in as calm a voice as I could manage. 

"Okay...hang on..." she told me and I heard her set the phone down. 

"Clare is getting her right now Brian!" I shouted out for him to hear. I heard some noise on the other end of the phone.

"I've got her. Let me hold the phone up to her ear..." Clare told me. I heard Clare tell Tigs I was on the phone. I got Chrissie's attention and motioned to her towards the bathroom door.

"Chrissie....go tell him she is on the phone..." I asked as I didn't want to shout with the baby on the line. "Hey baby girl!....It's me Papa!" I told her sweetly in the phone. I watched Chrissie at the door and was thrilled when she stepped back and the door opened. She moved away as Brian came out. He looked horrible and his hair was disheveled and his face was ruddy with tears. He was slumped over and held his arms awkwardly as he walked my way. I smiled at him as I listened to Tiger Lily babble in the phone. Brian wiped his nose on his shirt sleeve.

"Tiger Lily....do you want to talk to Brimi?" I asked her as Brian neared me. He looked drained but I could tell he needed to speak to her. Hear her voice and know she is alright. Tigs started babbling his name to me and I smiled as I handed the phone to Brian. He took it from me and put it to his ear. 

"Hello?" he said in a timid voice in the phone. The sadness eroded from his expression as he was washed in a warm smile. I could hear her on the phone talking to him and his eyes looked brighter as he sat down on the bed and clutched the phone in his hand. "Hi poppet....I miss you so much....are you okay sweetheart?" Brian spoke to her and his tone shifted into father mode. There were tears in his eyes but they seemed to be happy ones and those shed in relief at hearing her voice. I stood and watched as he focused on the call and his entire body seemed to relax with each word she babbled to him in the phone. I walked over and grabbed some tissues and came back and handed them to Brian. He nodded acknowledgement and looked up at me with gratitude as he took them from me. I could see he was calming down. I was relieved and shared a quick encouraging glance with Chrissie.

"Are you singing me a song?" Brian asked the baby and his face lit up as she apparently started singing something to him. He waived me over and I sat down and he leaned in towards me. He pressed the phone against both our heads and I could hear her singing a semblance of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.' It's the song Brian often sang to hear and my heart swelled that this was her first song back to him. I felt emotional listening to it and without thinking reached over and put my hand on Brian's thigh. He didn't stop me and we sat and listened to her serenade us. She stopped after a few nonsense verses and Clare took the phone back.

"She has been humming this tune ever since you left..." Clare told us. "She says both your names all the time..." I felt Brian reach over and put his hand on top of mine and I knew then he would be okay. This is exactly what he needed right now. 

"Thanks for doing this Clare....I'll call you later..." I told her. 

"No worries....take care..." she replied and hung up the phone. I took the phone from Brian and leaned over him and hung it up on the nightstand as he stayed seated on the bed and kept hold of my hand.

"She's okay Bri...." I told him as I looked in his eyes. "We are all okay...." I tried to assure him. He nodded to me and tried to smile at me despite his weary state and then suddenly threw his arms around me. I can't describe how good it felt for him to hug me and want me to comfort him. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close as he cried a bit more. It was a calmer crying jag and was one steeped in relief and coming down from a frantic state. I gently rubbed his back and tried to soothe him as he slowly stopped the tears. "It's going to be alright Bri...I'm here and I'm going to take care of you..." I told him softly as he laid heavily against my shoulder.

\------------------

Brian fell asleep against me after a while from sheer exhaustion. I gently got him laid back and managed to pull the blanket up over him. I didn't want to leave him as he seemed so fragile. Chrissie and I cleaned up his room and left his room door open and we both went in to her room for a few minutes.

"We've got to get him off that medication and get him stable again..." I told her. She nodded to me and walked me over to the medication bottles.

"He had him double the dosage from what he was taking when we first left on tour...I think we can all agree Brian seemed okay when we first arrived in the states.." Chrissie remarked to me. "I'll cut him back tonight..." 

"I don't want him talking to that doctor ever again...after he wakes up I am telling him to fire him! He needs to know what the doctor told you on that phone call today!" I ordered as we tried to talk quietly. "Can you call Dr. Roberts and see if he can recommend someone for Brian when we return?" I asked her. 

"That's a good idea...I'll call him at the office tomorrow..." she advised me. I reached over and hugged her. She embraced me as well and we stayed that way for a moment. Both grateful that Brian had finally calmed down and was resting.

"Thanks Chrissie....I don't know how to thank you for doing the right thing..." I expressed to her. "I know I've made mistakes with Brian and I want nothing more than a chance to get it right..." She rubbed my back and let me go. She smiled at me.

"I will never forget the love and care you showed him when he was in the hospital...I have to admit I was jealous!" she revealed to me. "I want a boyfriend who cares about me the way you do about him..." I laughed a little at her revelation. And I have been jealous of her all this time!

"Loving Brian is easy....I'm the one who seems to be the trouble maker in our union..." I confessed. "I hope you find someone who is worthy of you...you are a good person Chrissie.." I walked back to Brian's room and sat on the bed and watched him sleep. His face was much calmer now. I hoped he was having good dreams and found myself shifting to lay down next to him. I laid on my side and just sat and found my own peace in knowing he is safe for now.

\------------------- 

"Roger....wake up!" I rolled over and opened my eyes and found Chrissie peering at me. I blinked a few times and rubbed at my face to wake up. "You've got to get ready for your show tonight..." she informed me. I looked over my shoulder and found Brian still next to me. I rolled towards him and shook him gently. He stirred a bit and with a little more cajoling finally opened his eyes.

"Bri...it's show time..." I told him as I got up from the bed and walked over to his side. I stood and reached out my hand to help him up. He looked completely wiped out and I wondered if he could actually perform tonight.

"I'm groggy..." he moaned to me as he tried to sit up on the bed. I helped pull him up and saw how sedated he seemed. It worried me. Brian couldn't seem to keep his eyes open.

"Chrissie!" I called to her. She turned to me and I motioned towards the bathroom. "Start a cool shower..." I asked her. She nodded and went in. I heard the shower turn on and pulled Brian up from the bed. I got my arm around him and he was heavy against me as we started towards the bathroom.

"Let's get some cold water on you to wake you up..." I told him as we entered the bathroom. Chrissie grabbed some towels and I leaned Brian against the wall and helped him get his shirt off. "I'll get in the shower with him..." I explained to her and she left the room and closed the door. I held Brian up as he pulled his pajama bottoms off and walked him to the shower. He sat on the tub edge while I yanked my clothes off and I helped him stand up and step in the shower.

"Fuck!" Brian yelled as the cool water hit his body. "It's freezing!" He is awake now! I clenched my teeth as I stepped in the frigid water and felt it stab me all over. There was no relief from the sting of the needle like force on my body. I forced Brian's head under the water for a minute as he fought against me. Good! The fight means he is alert and his blood is pumping. I forced him to the side of the shower and reached over and warmed the water. It was like heaven to feel the warmth pour over me. Brian relaxed and got under the shower head. I helped him get his shampoo and got busy getting us both cleaned up for tonight.

\------------------------

I hurriedly changed in my own room and returned to Brian's room. We had 20 minutes before we needed to leave for the venue. Brian was working on his hair in the bathroom and had finished shaving as I came inside. Chrissie was walking back to her room with the razor. I watched as Brian came in and sat down to put on his socks and shoes.

"Thanks Rog..." he told me as he stood up and walked over to me. He wrapped his arms around me. "You've been a good friend to me today..." he said as we stood there in each others arms. It hurt for him to say that in a way. I want to be a good friend but I also want to be his husband again.

"Bri...we need to talk about us..." I informed him and felt him tense against me. I pulled away from him and walked over to Chrissie's door. It was open but I leaned in and motioned for her to come in to the room. I turned and saw Brian get completely uncomfortable not only with the topic I brought up but also the fact I had invited Chrissie to join us.

"Can't we talk after the show? I need to think..." he told me in his usual off putting manner. I shook my head.

"We're not leaving until you hear what Chrissie and I have to say..." I replied. He sat down on the bed and seemed disarmed by our confrontational approach. I could sense his growing panic but knew we would quell it right away.

"Are you putting off discussing us because of something Dr. Fischer told you?" I asked him bluntly. The alarm on his face told me exactly what I wanted to know.

"He told me I needed to take more time and be sure about what I wanted for the future..." he told me in a nervous tone. He shifted his glances toward Chrissie and seemed to be looking for support from her.

"Did he tell you to not get back with me and go find a nice girl to settle down with?" Brian's face almost turned red and he seemed like someone caught in a bold lie. 

"How do you know that?" he asked me with a sense of surprise. I almost smiled at the knowledge that this whole mess may soon come to an abrupt end.

"Chrissie....care to fill Brian in?" I suggested to her. Brian turned to look at her and she seemed embarrassed a little but determined as she began to relay the entire conversation she had with the good doctor on the phone. I stood against the wall and enjoyed every moment of watching the undoing of the psychiatrist's work to make Brian straight. The range of emotions that crossed Brian's face made me feel bad though and my savoring turned to sadness when I noted the damage it has apparently caused to his psyche. This doctor had really got to him! 

I was ever so grateful for Chrissie though. She delivered in her speech to Brian and his respect for her earned me his belief in everything she had to say. His face soon registered a sense of outrage and of feeling manipulated to a degree. I wasn't going to pull any ultimatums on him tonight, but I just couldn't allow him to feel so bad about himself and about us for any longer. 

"I'm really sorry he did this to you Brian..." Chrissie finished with after completing her recollection of the phone call and her feelings about everything the doctor said. Brian nodded to her and ran his hands across his arms trying to shake off the utter shock of the news.

"I can't....I don't understand why he would do this....isn't he supposed to care about what is best for me?" Brian said out loud as he shook his head in an attempt to absorb the information. I checked my watch and knew we had to head out.

"I hate that we dropped this on you right before we had to leave but I couldn't take you feeling this way for a minute longer....unfortunately...we have to go..." I informed him. Brian pulled himself together and stood up from the bed. He walked over and grabbed his coat and then went over and hugged Chrissie. I felt a little emotional as they embraced.

"Thanks Chrissie...I may have made a bad choice with my doctor...but I got my caregiver right..." he told her in a sweet manner. I could see her eyes dampen at his words. They separated and he walked over towards me.

"Bye Chrissie....thanks again!" I told her as I opened the door and let Brian go first. We walked in silence to the lift and then got in to head downstairs. I wanted so badly to hold Brian's hand but really figured he needed some space right now. I left him to his thoughts and we headed out to the venue together in a car. When we arrived everyone was thrilled to see him and know he was okay. It was clear word has spread that he had a bad day and there was concern they would have to cancel the show. The larger than usual coterie of visitors in the dressing room soon thinned out and we focused on getting ready for the show. I noticed Freddie watching Brian from across the room. Freddie was perched next to a large bouquet of yellow roses.

"You get some flowers Freddie?" I asked him to keep him from gawking at Brian. He glanced at his flowers and smiled at me.

"They are for Valentine's Day....from an admirer..." he informed us and I knew they had to be from David. I walked over to fawn over his gift and he beamed at me as I took a sniff of the arrangement and pretended like I was going to steal one. 

"I thought yellow roses were for friendship..." I teased him and he smirked at me and slapped my hand. 

"They can be....they also represent happiness.." he replied and leaned over to pull a rose out. "I am happy and I love the color..." he remarked as he placed the rose in his teeth to make me laugh. We all chuckled at his antics. 

"I had flowers and chocolates delivered to Ronnie today..." Deacy chimed in. I smiled at his efforts. 

"You are such a romantic...." I complimented him. Deacy gave us his best grin and it cheered us all as we readied ourselves for the two minute notice. I glanced at Brian and saw him writing something down on a piece of paper by the mirror. He caught me watching him and smiled at me. It made me feel warm inside to see him really smile. This day would hopefully end better for him than it started. Ratty walked in and announced it was walk time. Brian went over to Peter Brown and handed him something and then slipped in to line with us. We went on and the show was solid but not our best performance of the tour. Freddie didn't say a negative word though as we returned to the dressing room and cleaned up to head out. His desire to get to his date made him amenable. Freddie rushed off to meet David at the hotel for a late night supper. I realized this year wouldn't be a repeat of last years Valentine's evening. Brian and I would not be joining them in a luxury suite for drinks and serenades to our lovers. No. This year was sobering and subdued. Not even romantic. Just real.

"You ready?" Deacy asked us as he grabbed his bag. I got mine and saw Brian talking to Peter Brown as he slipped on his shoes. We all walked to the back exit together and saw the waiting car. A few fans were loitering by the door and we stopped and signed a few autographs before sliding in the car. It was a mostly quiet ride. Deacy and I shared a few words as Brian sat deep in thought. I wanted to give him space and we exited the car at the hotel with Deacy heading to the bar to grab a nightcap to take to his room. Brian and I got on the lift. 

"I hope you get some good rest tonight..." I told him as we neared our floor. 

"What time is it?" Brian asked me. I checked my watch and found it was almost midnight.

"A few minutes to midnight..." I replied. Brian smiled suddenly which made me smile in return.

"I'm glad it's not midnight yet..." he told me. I was curious about his reason.

"Why?" I asked him. He leaned over and pulled me to him gently.

"So I could give you a valentine's day gift...." he said and kissed me. I felt that kiss all the way through my body. I smiled against his mouth. I couldn't help it. 

"Happy Valentine's Day!" I told him and the lift door opened. We walked out together and I hesitated as we neared his door. I wondered if I might be invited to stay the night.

"Good night Rog....let's talk tomorrow alright?" he said to me with an expression that held promise. I know he is exhausted so I nodded and smiled as he walked to his door.

"Good night...." I told him. He walked in his room and closed the door. "I love you..." I whispered towards his room before walking to my own room. I was floating on that kiss as I unlocked my door and walked in. I flipped the light switched and gasped.

There was a bouquet of roses sitting on the table in my room. They were red and just gorgeous. I walked over and admired them and saw a small card was attached on a holder. I pulled it off and opened it. What fan sent me flowers? I looked at the card and almost started crying.

Red roses are for love

Brimi


	50. Why Don't We Try Again

15 February 1976

Cleveland - Morning

Brian's POV

"Thank you for the chocolates by the way....you shouldn't have.." Chrissie told me as I was wiping the remnants of shaving cream from my face. I had asked Peter Brown to have some chocolates bought and delivered to Chrissie at the hotel last night once I was reminded it was Valentine's Day. I felt it was the least I could do for her. She was stuck on the road and missing her social life at home. Please she has really been there for me. I smiled at her as she stood in the adjoining room doorway and pulled one of the chocolates from the box and ate it. She seemed pleased with the assortment. 

"It was my pleasure Chrissie....I'm glad you like them..." I said to her as I buttoned my shirt. The telephone rang and I walked over to answer it. Chrissie walked to the bathroom to put away my razor for me.

"Hello...."

"It's me....thank you for the beautiful flowers and the sentiment..." I felt a rush inside me as I heard Roger's voice on the phone. I instantly smiled and sat down on the bed. I was thrilled he liked the flowers and the underlying message.

"Rog....can we talk today?" I asked him; wanting to sit and really have a conversation about us; about our future. 

"I'd really like that..." he told me with a quiet sincerity in his voice. "Maybe when we get to the next hotel we can find some time alone.." he suggested. 

"That's sounds good....I'll guess I'll see you on the bus..." I replied. I wanted to get off the bed and walk to his room and kiss him until I couldn't breathe. But there isn't time.

"Can I stop by your room?" he asked me as I stood up to start packing.

"Of course....I'm just packing up...see you soon..." I replied as we hung up the phone. I smiled at the thought of seeing him alone before we boarded the bus. I looked over at Chrissie as I stuffed the last of my loose clothes in my suitcase and zipped it up.

"Are you packed and ready?" I asked her. Roger was already knocking on the door. I couldn't help the knowing smile that spread on my face. Chrissie gave me a buoyant look.

"I just need to check my bathroom..." she told me with a wink and closed her door as she walked back in to her room. I guess she knew who was at my door. I walked over and opened it. Roger was standing there looking rested and just so radiant. My head is a bit clearer since I didn't take the higher dosage of medication last night and I could really focus on how beautiful he really is. He had a sweet smile on his face and I moved to let him come in the room.

"I hope this is alright..." Roger looked a little uncertain as he entered but I wanted him to know where my heart is. I closed the door and walked up to him as he looked in my eyes for any hint of where I am at with us right now. I cupped his face with my hands and leaned in and kissed him gently. He smiled against my lips; just like he did last night. I still love it when he does this. It tells me how much he likes my kisses. I leaned back and smiled at him; still holding his lovely face in my hands. Roger showed me a smile as well as we quietly gazed at each other. Our moment was shattered by a knock on my door.

"It's got to be about the luggage..." I told him as I stood close to him. I let go of his face and walked to the door. I opened it to find Vick standing there with a large cart behind him.

"Ready to go?" he asked me. I nodded and sighed lightly. I was sad that this was all the time we had alone right now. I stepped out of the way so Vick could retrieve my bags. Roger walked to Chrissie's door and knocked to advise her the luggage cart was here. I watched Vick grab my suitcase and Roger walked past me.

"I'll get my room open for you.." Roger told Vick as he slipped past him and out my door. I watched him leave and heard Chrissie open her door for Vick. We all got our luggage sorted and I grabbed my coat and bag and Chrissie joined me as we left the room together. Vick went to Roger's room and collected his things as Roger came up to my side as we headed for the lift. The three of us got on board to go down to the lobby.

"I like your necklace...." Roger remarked to Chrissie. She blushed and smiled at Roger as she clutched the pendant in her hand. 

"Thanks...it was from a dear friend..." she told him. I was happy to see them talking to each other. Roger normally had ignored her. It made me feel better about things overall as they made small talk during our ride. We headed out and found everyone already boarding the bus. The wind was quite brutal and we all clutched our coats and scarfs to us as we crossed the walkway to reach the bus door. We weren't outside for long but I felt a chill run through me and knew Roger had to be freezing. He doesn't tolerate the cold well despite his horrid fur coat. We hurried on board and found some seats. We greeted our fellow travelers and were served some hot chocolate as the bus started to pull out. I noticed Roger holding himself and sipping his drink. I could see the cold air had really got to him. I got up from my seat and walked to the bunks at the back. I grabbed a folded blanket from the shelf and walked back to him. He smiled as he saw me unfold it and lay it across his lap. 

"Thanks Bri...you're the best..." I gently tucked the blanket around his legs and then took my seat and watched him snuggle into the blanket. Peter Brown walked over and stood in the aisle beside our seating area.

"Everyone....we are headed for Toledo and then after the show tonight we decided to proceed straight on for Michigan. We want to get ahead of some bad weather and also Freddie and John want to use the free time between shows to visit Motown in Detroit so we are stopping there for a day before heading for Saginaw..." I was disappointed about the hotel news as this was our chance to be alone and talk right after the show. I glanced over at Roger and found him looking at me. The same disappointment was on his face. I guess our talk would have to wait.

\----------------------

16th February 1976

En route to Michigan

I was supposed to have a phone appointment with my doctor today. With the revelations about the guidance I was getting from Dr. Fischer, I realized all the guilt and bad feelings I had developed about getting back with Roger were being fed to me by him. I still couldn't believe the doctor had done this to me. I wasn't sure what to do about him. I had no further interest in any treatment or contact with him so I didn't call. This situation has filled my thoughts as we prepared for our Toledo show and after we finished as well. Luckily, I had some distractions that pulled my mind from this worrisome issue.

We all got cleaned up and boarded the bus to head straight for Michigan. Chrissie had attended our concert and was asking us questions about performing during the first part of our ride north. It became clear after a while she wasn't feeling her best. Her nose started running and she looked flushed and felt fatigued. She feared she was catching a cold. I felt bad for her and when we stopped at a truck stop to fuel the bus, I bought her some things in the shop. Armed with a few boxes of tissues and some cold treatments she requested, I got her situated in a bunk at the back of the bus so she could rest. I returned to a seat next to Roger and the others. Our adrenaline from the show was starting to wane and everyone looked tired. Our talk diminished as we all settled in our seats to ride out the trip to our next destination. 

The journey was much shorter than was realized and we soon pulled in at a large hotel in Detroit. I went and got Chrissie up to help her get off the bus and Roger grabbed our things. It was a newer hotel and was nicer than some of the others we had stayed in. Peter got us our keys and we made our way to our floor. I focused on getting Chrissie settled in and even called room service to arrange for some hot tea and toast for her. I managed my own medicine for a change but left the bottles in her room. Once I had her in bed with a hot water bottle and tea she assured me she would be fine until morning. She needed a good night's sleep and was pleased we didn't have to be anywhere tomorrow. I left after her assurances and went to my own room. I was tired and ready for a good night's sleep. I wanted to talk to Roger but knew it would go better if we were both rested. I used the toilet and cleaned up for bed at my sink. As I pulled on my pajamas I heard the wind picking up outside my window. I peered through the curtains to see it had started snowing and it was blowing around pretty hard. A chill ran through me just looking at the harsh wind batter the trees nearby. I immediately wanted to crawl under my bedclothes and hide from the impending storm. I turned out the main light and quickly got settled under the covers. The sheets felt cold but I wrapped the blanket and comforter around me. I closed my eyes and hoped to fall asleep fast.

Laying there in my room with the sounds of the wind and the cold sheets below me I felt lonely and a little sad. I tossed and turned for a little while and realized I wasn't going to fall asleep soon. Even with my medication I could feel sleep wouldn't come. I sighed and pondered turning on the television but figured since it was the middle of the night nothing would be on. I looked over at the clock radio and considered finding some music. I noticed the telephone next to it and on an impulse picked it up and dialed Roger's room.

"Hello..."

"It's me....I hope I didn't wake you up...."

""Couldn't sleep....."

"The storm outside?"

"Yeah...you know I've never liked it...and it's pretty fucking cold..."

"I know....want to come over?"

"If that's alright....yeah...."

"Come on...."

I hung the phone up and crawled out of the covers and walked to the door. I didn't wait for him to knock and opened it to find him walking down the hallway. He was wearing his blue robe and hurried in to my room as I closed the door behind me.

"I'm glad you called..." he told me as I walked back over to the bed and climbed in. Roger pulled off his robe and was wearing a pair of black pajamas. I had never seen these and they looked amazing on him. I couldn't help the smile that crossed my lips as he climbed in to bed next to me. We both got comfortable under the blankets and laid down facing each other. I still had my smile.

"I like your pajamas...." I told him as we looked into each other's eyes. It was so nice to see those crystal blue orbs gazing back at me in the low light coming from the partially opened bathroom door. I had missed them in my life and I missed having them in my bed. I pulled my hand from the blanket and reached over and ran my hand over his cheek. Despite the beginnings of stubble it was soft and as lovely as I remembered it. He closed his eyes as I reminded myself of his beauty. He leaned his face in to my hand and formed a tender smile on his mouth. I leaned towards him and pressed my lips to his forehead.

"I've missed you..." I whispered against his temple. I could smell the shampoo in his hair and the subtle scent of strawberries felt like home. Roger moved his face up and our lips soon met. He pressed his to mine gently and they were petal soft. We both started moving our mouths together and I forgot how much I relish his taste. I wanted more and opened my mouth to him but found I had to yawn. I pulled back from him and felt self conscious as I yawned and turned my head away from him. He chuckled at me and leaned in and hugged himself against me.

"Someone's tired...." he told me softly as he pressed his head in to my arm. I chuckled a bit myself and pulled him closer to me. He felt warm and wonderful and his body heat was pulling me in to a drowsy haze. My eyes felt heavy as Roger loosened my hold on him. He turned around in the bed and I knew what he wanted. I pulled him back towards me to spoon him as we both nestled into each other and fell into a comfortable slumber.

\---------------------

Something tickled my face and I opened my eyes. Roger had pulled a long curl of my hair straight and was using the end to graze across my cheek. He was leaning over me and had the cutest smirk on his face as he teased me with my own hair.

"You need a haircut...." he told me in a bossy tone. I grabbed his hand to stop his tickling and he let my curl go as he laughed and tried to move away from me. I rolled over and grabbed him as he tried to get off the bed. I pulled him back to me and he struggled to get away. I started laughing too as I rolled him on to his back and climbed up and over him and held his hands at his side. I straddled him as he kept laughing and smiled at me open mouthed. His body felt good and was warm from sleep. 

"Don't tell me I need a haircut....look at your long hair.." I barked at him in a teasing manner. He tried to push me away but I held my ground and pressed his hands in to the mattress.

"Hey!" he shouted at me. I realized we had raised our voices and ssh'd him. He got my hint and looked surprised when made aware of our noise level. We looked at each other for a moment in silence and I found I couldn't resist his soft smile and messy hair. I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. We shared a simple sweet kiss and then parted. Roger had a dreamy quality in his face that slowly turned to one with a shadow on it. I wondered what had darkened his mood. He looked at me intently as I sat straddled over him.

"I'm so sorry....about everything..." he told me in a regretful tone. He kept his saddened eyes on mine and there was a sense of humility in his speech. "I know I hurt you so much and I wish I could take it back...but I can't..." I found myself nodding to him; agreeing to the hurt and that it was a permanent mark on our relationship. I loosened my hold on his hands as I kept looking at the truth in his eyes.

"You did hurt me...." I acknowledged to him. I found myself letting go of his hands and slumping over to sit next to him. I guess we are going to have that talk now. We both need this. It was clear. We need to talk things out without the heavy emotions we have carried in the recent past. I sat down as he scooted up to rest against the headboard. He pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around his legs as he watched me.

"I can't believe I gave you fucking v.d. Brian! I am so ashamed of that..." he told me in a clearly remorseful voice. "I guess it shows how shitty I was in choosing random strangers, eh?" He looked away from me and the disgust he held for himself was evident. I could see he needed to get these emotions out. I sat and focused on his words. Wanting him to know I was hearing him. "I know you have to hate me for it...and you should...cause I hate myself for the way I've behaved...the way I've treated you..." I leaned over and put my hand on his leg. Stroking it tenderly with my fingers.

"I don't hate you Rog....I hate what you did but I don't hate you.." I told him truthfully. "I don't think I could ever hate you....I love you so much....that's why it really hurt..." I confessed. He turned his hand around and took mine in his and squeezed it. He returned his gaze to mine and I gave him an understanding look. "I forgive you...." I told him. His expression changed from one of pain to a look of complete hope and it heartened me to know he was happy to hear this. I opened my arms to him and he dropped his legs down and leaned over in to me as I embraced him. Feeling him relax again and allowing me to hold him.

"Thank you Bri....but promise me you will never forget...because I won't..." he told me. I pressed him to me and ran my hand over his back and up in to his hair. 

"I won't forget...." I assured him. I felt him wipe at his face and knew he was crying. I felt the sting of tears in my own eyes as we said our peace to each other. We both still felt the gravity of it all.

"And promise me you will talk to me about whatever is troubling you...what's going on in your head.....because I promise to tell you what's going on in mine....and if I don't think you are hearing me I am going to tell you...just like you need to do to me....promise?" he asked of me. I nodded against his head.

"I promise..." I replied and pulled him back so I could see his face. His eyes. I ignored the tear that slid down my face and wiped at his eyes as I looked him over. He sniffed and gave me a little smile. Then he reached up and wiped my tear away. He stuck his damp finger in his mouth and then smiled at me.

"I wish I could swallow all the tears I gave you..." he told me in the most sincere loving voice. It almost made me cry to hear these words but I pressed down the swell of emotion and shook my head.

"I hope you know how many of those tears have been joyful ones..." I reminded him. He broke into a huge open mouthed grin. I returned the smile to him and he leaned over and kissed me. I pulled him in to my arms again and rolled him over on the bed. He made a small sound as I deepened our kiss and rolled him on to his back. We slowly kissed each other and worked to pull ourselves away from the emotional state we are in and to shift to a place where our love is expressed without words.

I laid next to Roger as we kissed and we both felt desire pour through us. I moved my mouth from his and focused on unbuttoning his pajama top. He stopped me and pulled it up over his head and tossed it aside. I did the same and he pulled me down to him as I started kissing all the beautiful parts of that face. I pressed tender kisses on his forehead and eyelids and his precious pert nose. I grazed his chin and cheeks before returning to his mouth. That perfect soft pink mouth. He let me slip my tongue inside and we began exploring each other. I felt a rush of intense heat all through me as I pressed myself in to his body. Our bare chests met and the skin contact radiated all over me. He tasted so good and it had been too long since we had connected in this way. The kisses from that one day felt like nothing compared to this. That day when Roger told me he was lonely were still filled with hesitation and uncertainty. These kisses were about abandon and a willingness to be one with him. This moment felt right. 

We both soon needed more and I pulled my lips away from his and kneeled between his legs. I grabbed the waistband of his pajamas and pulled them down as I took hold of his briefs as well. Roger lifted his hips to help me and I got them separated from his body. He moaned as I kissed him all over his neck and chest; stopping to suck and bite at his nipples and making him shiver all over. I then ran my tongue over and down his side and reached for his hips; pressing my fingers in to his tender flesh.

"God...I've missed the feel of your hands on me..." he groaned as I moved down his body and ran my hands over his hips as I sat between his knees. I spent some time worshiping his soft tummy before I kissed the top part of his legs and then moved down to his inner thighs. I felt them quiver as I moved my hand to the base of his cock and gently stroked him. I soon moved my mouth up and he gasped as I kissed the tip. Roger moaned when I ran my tongue up the side and then slowly took him in my mouth.

Fuck Bri....feels so good.." he was breathless as I tried to bring him pleasure. I stayed focused on him for a few minutes until he pulled me off of him. "I'm not going to last..." he told me as he grinned at me with heavy lidded eyes. Those luscious long eyelashes splayed out.

"Maybe that's the idea..." I proposed to him. His smile widened as I resumed my place and took his entire cock in my mouth. He clutched his hands in my hair and arched his back and hips up from the bed but I held him down and then moved one hand to cradle his balls as I sucked and licked him to a quick ending. When he whined I knew he was coming and he clenched his legs around me and cried out. My body responded to his noises and the feel of his thighs tight against my own.

"Bri!" he gasped and I took everything he offered me as his face rolled in to the pillows to stifle any more sounds. He filled my mouth and when he finished I swallowed and slowly pulled off of him. I nuzzled his thighs and hips and tummy before he pulled my head up towards his own and kissed me deeply. I laughed lightly as he fervently kissed me. My erection throbbed with the feel of his tongue moving down and kissing and gently sucking on my neck. Roger rolled me over and climbed on top of me as he continued kissing my shoulders.

"Want you inside me..." he growled in to my ear as he nuzzled my neck. I realized I didn't have any lube and sighed. Roger always kept this in his nightstand bag. I wanted desperately to make love to him all the way but knew it had been a while and didn't want to risk hurting him or him getting too sore.

"I don't have any lube babe..." I advised him. Roger groaned but kept kissing all over my chest and I savored the feel of his lips and hands on my body. He moved down and took my cock in his hand and I sighed at the familiar sensation of him stroking me. My own hands reached down and I filled my fingers with his silky hair. Roger took me in his mouth and my core already tingled with the promise of a climax. Just being with him again and feeling him and loving him was enough to get me there. I ran my hands through his lovely tresses as he worked to get me off. Roger had all of me in his mouth and was moving rapidly and with a delicious amount of suction. I felt a tightening in my stomach and jerked up against his face.

"Rog...I'm coming!" I gasped out to him as I began to orgasm and spilled in to his mouth. Roger took every drop and only let go of me once I had settled down against the mattress. Roger crawled up the bed and leaned over me with a smile as we shared another kiss. "That was wonderful....I missed that..." I told him as I ran my fingers over his lips and we both glowed from feeling blissful. I wrapped my arms around him as Roger grabbed the blanket and pulled it up over us as I pressed him to my chest as we laid quietly together.

It was now that I noticed how quiet the world was outside. Everything seemed muted. It was silent in our room but we didn't need to say anything right now. I nestled my face in Roger's hair as he rested his head on my chest. His weight against me was comforting and felt like home. I thought about us staying in this bed for the rest of the day. Just being together and being glad to have found our way back to each other. As I thought about the happiness I know I would have with our reunion, my mind filled with thoughts of Tiger Lily. It felt like forever since we had seen her and held her. I really miss her smile and her scent and her laughter. The way she looks so much like Roger and has so much personality at such a young age.

"Hey Bri...want to call home?" Roger suddenly asked me out of the blue. I pressed him closer to me and smiled. I guess we are on the same wavelength. In a way it didn't surprise me and actually brought home the fact that this is where I belong. With him. With our baby.

"I was just thinking about her.....were you?" I asked him. He nodded against my chest.

"Yeah..I miss her..." he confessed to me. 

"Me too..." Roger slowly lifted off of me as I released my hold on him. He kissed me and then slipped out from the covers and grabbed his robe. He wrapped it around him as walked to the bathroom. I scooted up sit in the bed and rest against the headboard. I pulled the blanket up to cover me as the room felt chilly and my bare chest felt cold without Roger against it. He came back after a few minutes and walked over to the desk in my room and grabbed the room service menu.

"Hungry?" he asked me. I smiled and nodded to him as he moved to get back in bed next to me. I scooted over and opened the blanket for him as he pulled off his robe and slid in next to me. He laid out the room service menu in front of us as he reached for the telephone. "We can order some food and then call home..." he suggested. I glanced at the clock and did the math. It would be around 1pm London time from where we are now.

"Sounds perfect..." I told him as I wrapped my arm around him as he read me the breakfast options.

\--------------------------

I took the last bite of my toast and swallowed it down with a sip of my coffee. I noticed Roger was pouring more syrup from the little carafe on to his waffle and he wiped the edge of it with his finger as he set it down. He saw me watching him and smiled at me. He leaned over and pressed his syrup covered finger to my lips. I licked the sweet substance off and he laughed at me. 

"I thought you might want a taste since you didn't get any waffles..." he advised me as he took his finger back and used it to pick up his fork and take a bite of his breakfast.

"Has Tigs ever had waffles?" I asked him out loud. He shrugged. 

"Not that I recall...we might have to ask Clare if she has served her any....you know since we've been gone.." he remarked to me as he took another bite. 

"We're missing out on things...you know that...." I commented to him as I took a drink and watched his reaction. He looked sad for a moment and nodded to me.

"We are....it's so hard...our situation is complicated...." he admitted. We finished our food in silence and I knew we were both thinking about the conversation we had with Tiger Lily just 15 minutes ago on the phone. It helped but it wasn't enough sometimes. I was heartened to see he missed her as much as I do. 

"You know....my medication does help me Rog....but there are some things I think are beyond it's capacity..." I told him; wanting to open up to him more about my state of mind. I had promised. We both had.

"Like what?" he asked as he set his fork down and gave me his full attention. I didn't mean to pause his breakfast but he was looking at me intently. He did want to know.

"I just sometimes feel a sense of sadness and loneliness that has nothing to do with you or Tiger Lily or the band or anything good in my life. It's just there...and it makes me feel hollow inside." I tried to find the words to express to him how I am when my depression gets to me. Roger's face showed me a desire for empathy. 

"I'm sorry this happens to you...are there things you can do to fill that void?" he asked me. I could see he wanted to understand. It felt good to know he was really hearing me. 

"It depends..." I replied and considered how to answer him. "Sometimes it's spending extra time with people that matter or needing some space. Or it's as a simple as getting a nap when I haven't slept well. I can say that despite the obvious flaws with Dr. Fischer's treatment, I did learn some things I feel are helpful to me..." Roger looked pensive as he got off the bed and set his food tray back on the room service cart. He came back and sat next to me and seemed serious.

"Do you feel like sometimes what we have to put up with to be together is always worth it?" he asked me bluntly. A wave of the mixed emotions that the doctor has created in me surfaced again and I didn't like the shame and guilt and distress that filled my head. I tried to move past it and really consider his question. Outside of the doctor's opinions that had taken hold in me. 

"I won't lie to you Rog....the doctor stirred up a lot of feelings inside me about us....about being two men who live the life of a married couple together...not all the feelings are good ones.." I admitted. He kept his gaze on me to see what else I might add to my remarks. I appreciated him being a good listener and his patience with me.

"So does it make you question why we do it?" he said with a hint of fear as to what my answer might be. 

"I can say this Rog....despite what we have been through recently...I don't question that I love you and I know for certain now you really love me too....but I do question the weight we live under because we can't always be our true selves with others..." I got up and set my tray on the cart and walked back to the bed. I stood and looked down at him; seeing his need for answers from me about our future. "But would I walk away from what we have built together after all these years because the doctor reminded me that society doesn't care for our kind?" I put this question to him and shook my head. "No Rog....once my head cleared from the fog of being over medicated and I knew the doctor was trying to manipulate me...I could see my future and what truly makes me happy....that's you and me together....with Tiger Lily and with Queen.."

Roger got up on his knees on the bed and moved towards me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I held him close to me.

"I want that for us too babe..." he told me as he pressed his cheek in to my waist. "Even if Queen eventually folds and we don't have this anymore....I know I still want us....our family..." he confirmed to me. "I know we can always find a way to make a living and take care of Tiger Lily and each other..." he said as he moved his face and looked up at me. I smiled at him and nodded to him.

"We will always find a way..." I assured him as he smiled back at me. "Of course....I'm hoping that my husband is a rich man from his million selling single..." I said to him in a teasing manner. He giggled at me and tapped my tummy with his finger.

'I'll have you know that we moved up to number 33 in the singles chart this week.." he reported to me. I laughed at him and pushed him back on to the bed. 

"So you'll support me then?" I asked him jokingly as I leaned over and kissed him. "Remember...I gave up a promising career in Astronomy so I could live in sin with you..." I reminded him and he scoffed at me.

"I seem to recall paying the bills when you dropped out of school and lost your job so I think I've done my duty..." he retorted. I laughed at him and pressed a kiss to his chin as I gazed over his lovely face.

"You did.....I remember..." I agreed as he laid there and smiled his perfect smile at me. 

"Don't worry though....you're a good lay so I'll probably get you something nice with my next royalty check..." he said to me with a cheeky tone. I laughed at him and reached down to tickle his bare stomach. He shoved me away from him and got off the bed and ran towards the bathroom. I got up to chase him as the telephone started ringing. Roger slowed down but headed in to the other room. I walked over and answered the phone.

"Hello..."

"Enjoying our blizzard?" Freddie quipped to me on the phone. I wasn't sure what he meant.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"You don't know? Where have you been?" he asked me in a tone implying I am an idiot. 

"To be honest....I've been making up with Roger....does that answer your question?" I replied to him. He cooed in the phone.

"Aww....that is the good news I really needed right now....I'm so happy Brian....so you are back together for real?" 

"Yes....we are back together....for real..." I replied; using his phrase. 

"Well then you are excused from knowing about the weather....but you might want to peek out your window..." he suggested to me.

"Alright..." I told him. "Are you and Deacy still headed to Motown today?" Freddie scoffed in the phone.

"Look out the window and tell me if we are going anywhere..." he remarked. 

"Hang on!" I said to him and set the phone down and walked to the window. I had the drapes tightly closed but pulled one side back and peered outside. Fuck! There must be two feet of snow on the ground. I couldn't recall the last time I had seen that much snow. I smiled at the quiet beauty of it but pulled the curtain back and walked to the phone.

"I see you are probably going to remain indoors today..." I told Freddie. He chuckled into the phone.

"Aren't we all?" he replied. "Enjoy your fuckfest Brian..." he said to me as he hung up the phone. I laughed as I cradled the handset and saw Roger coming out of the bathroom.

"That was Freddie.....look out the window..." I told him and he stopped and pulled back the curtain.

"Shit!" he turned to me with a look of disbelief. I picked up the phone to call Chrissie to check on her.

"I'm going to check on Chrissie and then I thought we could watch some tv or something.." I suggested him. Roger slipped on his robe and picked up his pajamas and bunched them under his arm. 

"I can think of something to pass the time.." he told me as he winked at me and flashed me by opening his robe. I smiled devilishly at him as he walked to my room door. "Come to my room when you finish your call.." he told me. "There is a bottle of lube with your name on it.."


	51. Jealousy - Part 1

21 February 1976

En route to Chicago

Brian's POV

"I made a friend..." We were halfway between Pittsburgh and Chicago when Roger told me about his new friend Jo. How he had met her one night in New York City and they had stayed up all night talking in his room. He assured me it was just talk and that there was nothing sexual at all between them. Just two people who connected over some drinks, some time to kill and some common ground. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I do think I can trust Roger but I don't know her at all. Who is she? Is she really just a writer who befriended my husband? Is she wanting more from him than she first revealed? I don't know.

"So I've talked to her several times since we left the city. She is still at Essex House while she does research. I was thinking since we have some time off I would invite her to one of our shows in Chicago..." Roger took me by surprise with this. "It's not a long flight to get here..it sounds like she could use a break from her work. I figured after our show, we would be free to spend some time with her..." I saw the elation in Roger's face at the idea of her visiting. I want to be supportive of his blossoming friendship. I could tell this was important to him by the amount of time he spent talking about her. There is a part of me that had found their situation acceptable because it seems to be a relationship that primarily operates by phone. Now he wants to her to come see him in person. A visit. I'm not sure how I feel. We've promised to be open and talk about what we are feeling. This is hard.

"I'm not opposed to her visiting...I am intrigued to meet her....she seems to be important to you.." I tried to work out how to say what I am feeling about this without starting something. Roger seemed happy to hear my openness towards to her coming to Chicago. I smiled at him. "I have to admit though...I am a little uncomfortable with you being good friends with her...I don't know why....I just am..." I confessed to him. I had trouble finding the words for my uncertainty but wanted to be honest. Roger reached over and took my hand in his across the table we were seated at on the bus. His face showed contemplation.

"Well...I need to say that I feel uncomfortable about Chrissie being your caregiver.." he told me in a soft whisper; clearly trying to make sure she couldn't hear his words. I was surprised to hear this. I'm not sure why he feels that way. He knows Chrissie. We both do. We've known her since I was in the hospital over a year ago so I would think he could clearly see that she is just a friend.

"Why would you be uncomfortable with her?" I whispered back. Roger glanced back towards Chrissie's seat to make sure she wasn't trying to listen in.

"Because I think she actually has feelings for you..." Roger informed me as he leaned close to me; still grasping my hand. I had no idea where he came up with his notion. 

"That's ridiculous!" I told him in a voice I didn't intend to be as loud as it came out. Roger's eyes got big as he pressed his finger to his lips and then glanced around to see who might have turned to look at us since I was too loud. He calmed down and patted my hand.

"I've got news for you Brian...I'm not the only one who thinks this.." he told me with confidence. I didn't believe it.

"Like who?" I asked him dubious of his statement. He had a smug grin as he pulled his hand away from mine and leaned back in his seat.

"Well for starters...Clare!" he advised me. I tried to recall when Clare had even been around Chrissie and then remembered taking Tiger Lily for a checkup with Clare in tow. Roger had been sleeping off a hangover. 

"One visit to the doctor and Clare determines she's after me?" I questioned to Roger. He nodded as he bent his arms and wrapped his hands behind his head.

"Yes! She came home after that appointment and told me she got the impression Chrissie had a thing for you.." Well - I don't believe it!

"Why? What tells you that she does, huh?" I wanted to know what they observed that makes them think this. I leaned in towards Roger so he could tell me without speaking loudly.

"She is really handsy with you Bri....but I don't think you even notice it.." he remarked. "I can tell you that I've observed her on more than one occasion touching you in ways I deem unacceptable..." Roger's eyes were a bit dark when he said his last sentence. Any smugness had disappeared as well. I had to keep myself from grinning as I realized he is jealous. Jealous of Chrissie! It's absurd!

"In what way?" I asked him; curious what had set him off.

"She touched your face one day and pulled your hair back from your cheek..." he informed me. "I didn't like it..." I had no recollection of her every doing this and worked to hide amusement at the expression on his face. It was a borderline pout.

"Any other violations?" I worked to keep a straight face. Roger had caught on to my game and huffed at me. He pulled his hands from behind his head and sat back up and pressed in to me; a scowl forming on his face.

"I know you think it's funny...but hear me out..." he told me under his breath. "She may have helped me out in getting you back...but I still think she wants you for her own..." Roger was completely serious. I had apparently touched a nerve with my teasing. "You realize she has seen you naked...she knows what you have to offer.." he added to his speech. I almost snorted at his last comment. This was ridiculous! She's a nurse who has seen hundreds of naked bodies.

"Come off it Rog....she's a nurse...she's bathed plenty of men in her time...there is nothing remarkable about me...if anything her feelings are maternal at best...." Roger looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Boy are you blind...." he tossed at me. "Let me ask you something...since she has been your caregiver...has she had any opportunity to see you naked again?" he asked in a blunt manner. I have to admit I had to stop and think. Since I spent quite a few days in a medication stupor I had to scan my memory. I didn't want to give him any satisfaction but didn't want to lie to him either.

"Okay....she did help me with a bath a few times...but it is because I was overmedicated!" I argued back to him. "And again - Rog - she is a nurse!" Roger's smug grin reappeared and I knew he felt he had won the argument.

"You just keep believing what you want and I'll just keep with the truth.." he told me. He got up from his chair and walked towards the back of the bus; heading for the toilet. I felt like this conversation was over and he had won. I glanced over at Chrissie and noticed her looking at me intently. She smiled softly at me before her eyes returned to her book. I shook my head as I considered everything he said to me. It's ludicrous!

Roger is just imagining things.

\-------------------------

22nd February 1976

Chicago

"She arrives at 5:45 today!" Roger reminded me as we both floated in the hotel pool next to each other. I know Roger is excited about Jo flying in for a short visit today. I had relented and didn't try to dissuade her visit. He had Peter book her a flight and a room on our floor. Roger talked to her on the phone last night and chattered on about their conversation as we savored the water of the heated pool. I'm happy he is excited to see her. I'll admit I am a little anxious. I just need to get to know her I guess.

With the size of our group staying at the hotel, they arranged for us to have the indoor pool to ourselves for several hours this afternoon. The pool area was crowded as everyone was keen to enjoy the warm water and some fun activity as snow fell outside the walls of the hotel.

"You two playing?" Freddie shouted to us as his voice echoed in the tiled room. They were starting up another game of pool volleyball using a small beach ball. I was a little winded from the last game and shook my head.

"I'm in!" Roger launched himself off the pool side and resumed his position to play that he had from the last round. I turned to hold on to the pool edge and watch as they began their new game. Freddie and Roger were a team along with Crystal, Peter and John Harris. Deacy had formed a team with Ratty, Big Rich, Gerry and my replacement was a lighting tech named James. Roger lobbed the ball over the plastic lane marker they were using as a makeshift net. Deacy was fast in his response and returned the ball over the marker towards Crystal. He managed to hit it back and Gerry found himself getting hit in the head with it. Laughter erupted as Gerry took hold of the ball and prepared to start a new round.

It was entertaining to watch everyone play but after a while I glanced around the pool at the others who were lounging in a chair or talking. I noticed Chrissie seated at the end of a row and saw she still had her cover up on over the swim suit. I pulled myself up and out of the pool and walked over towards her. My chair was on the way so I grabbed my towel and patted myself with it as I approached her. The lounger next to hers was empty so I sat down and faced her way.

"Not interested in getting in the pool?" I asked her. She laid down the magazine she was reading and shrugged. She glanced at the game going on in the main part of the pool.

"I don't want to get in the mix with that game.." she responded and then leaned towards me a little. "To be honest...I'm a bit self conscious about wearing my suit in front of all these men..." I realized that she is the only woman at the pool and suddenly felt bad for her. I gave her a sympathetic expression.

"I didn't even think about that Chrissie....sorry.." I told her. She shrugged at me.

"It's not your fault..." she told me with sincerity and picked up her magazine. I felt like she was missing out and looked to see if there was any room at the other end of the pool for us to take a dip. It was crowded and a bity rowdy. I noticed there wasn't anyone in the jacuzzi.

"How about a dip in the jacuzzi?" I suggested. She peered at me from her magazine and then looked over at the in ground jacuzzi. "I'll get in with you..." I offered. She smiled at me and laid down her magazine.

"Alright...just for a bit..." she replied. I stood up and waited for her and we walked towards the jacuzzi. As we got near a few other roadies came out of the dressing room and walked straight for it. I turned and saw Chrissie's hesitation. My heart sank. I stopped and peeked inside the door to the sauna. It was empty.

"The sauna is empty.." I informed her. I opened the door and she appeared indifferent as we stepped inside. The hot humid air hit us like a wave as we walked in and I closed the door behind us. Chrissie walked over to one of the wooden benches and sat down and watched me as I joined her. I only had my swim suit on but she was still in her cover up.

"You're going to get uncomfortable in that cover up.." I told her; already feeling the impact of the hot wet air on my skin and dropping hair. She looked hesitant to remove it. I wanted her to feel comfortable and enjoy the sauna. "It's just me...." I reminded her with a gentle smile and laugh. She laughed lightly and finally nodded her head and reached down and unbuttoned the cover up.

"Don't laugh!" she said to me in a timid voice. "I'm no model..." she remarked as she peeled the cover up off her shoulders and laid it down next to her on the bench. She had on a fairly conservative one piece suit that was navy blue. I thought she looked just fine and gave her a genuine smile. She has nothing to be ashamed of and has a cute figure. Her long brown hair was pulled up in a loose pony tail. She is cute.

"What do you mean laugh? You look great!" I told her and she blushed at me as she rested her hands on the edge of the bench and leaned forward.

"I'm sure you've seen better looking women in your day...." she remarked as she looked over at the pile of steaming lava rocks on the heater; avoiding my gaze. I watched as she slowly looked back over at me with an embarrassed grin.

"You're lovely Chrissie..." I complimented to her. "At least you fill your suit out nicely...I'm basically a bean pole in my trunks.." I joked with her. She laughed at me but then shook her head. She formed a sweet expression and reached over with her hand and stroked my cheek.

"I think your lovely as well.." she told me earnestly. It was a nice thing to say and I smiled graciously at her. I noticed the adoring expression on her face as she looked at me. For some reason the words that Roger spoke to me on the bus filled my head. 'She's really handsy with you.' I realized what Roger meant by his remark. She does touch me a lot. I tried not to appear awkward as I considered everything Roger had told me about his observations of Chrissie. She was now looking over at the lava rocks again and got up and picked up the ladle and poured some water on the rocks. They steamed up instantly and the room took on a cloudy atmosphere. Chrissie sat back down and wiped her forehead with her cover up.

"They say sweating is good for the skin..." I told her as she dabbed at her neck and face.

"I just hope I don't melt..." she said with humor and I grinned at her joke. She kept her eyes on me and that same adoring expression returned. I couldn't shake the words Roger said to me and found I had to know if I was blind or if Roger is just jealous. We are alone and comfortable so it seemed like the best opportunity to ask. I went for it.

"Chrissie...can I ask you a personal question?" her face showed curiosity and she seemed amenable.

"Sure..." I tried to find the right words and then realized I just had to wing it.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" she seemed surprised by my question and shook her head.

"No! I don't think a boyfriend would have been agreeable to me taking this type of job...do you?" she replied candidly. It made sense. I probably wouldn't let my girlfriend go off to take care of a musician on the road in the company of a crew of men and no chaperone.

"That's true...I didn't think of that.." I responded. She seemed to know I had more questions as her face registered expectation.

"If I ask you something...do you promise to be honest with me? I won't get mad...I just want to know.." I blurted out to her. I think she already knew what I was going to ask as her expression changed to one of unease. She slowly nodded to me.

"Okay.." she responded quietly. I took a deep breath.

"Do you have feelings for me?" I knew the answer before she spoke a word. It was written all over her face. There was a deep blush on her face that wasn't from the heat in the room. She looked away from my gaze for a few moments and then returned it; her expression changed and she seemed resolute in her words as she spoke to me.

"You asked me to be honest...so...yes...I do have feelings for you.." she confessed to me. I was surprised at how calm she said the words to me and also that Roger has been right. It really struck me how calm she is. Maybe she expected me to ask at some point. Shit! Maybe she hoped. Now I wasn't sure what to say. What to ask her next. "Brian...can I say something to you and ask you to hear me out?" she told me in a voice I had never heard from her. She sounded confident and sure of her self. Since she was honest with me I owed her this.

"Of course.." I replied. She seemed determined as she turned to face me completely and reached out and took my hand in hers.

"I do have feelings for you...I have since I first met you.." she revealed. She still had that adoring gaze as she continued. "I know you love Roger and if you were really interested in me you probably would have already taken advantage of our circumstances before now..." she sounded rational and calm as she spoke; quite mature. "But I want you to know something before you and I part ways...I want you to know that I would love to make a life for you if you ever decide you need one that isn't what you have right now.." I was surprised at her offer. I knew my face had to show a sense of shock. I would let her finish though before I speak. I nodded to her to continue.

"It's clear how you feel about Roger and I know that one of the reasons you reconciled with him is because of Tiger Lily. I'm not naïve. I can see how much you love that child. I also know that Roger has a lot to offer you that I don't. He is part of the world you work in and live in every day. I can see now the crazy existence you have being a touring rock star. He understands and embraces this life. I know you love it too...but if you decide you want something outside of all this....something you can hang on to...go to that is a measure of normalcy...let me know.." she offered to me. "If you decide you do want those things Dr. Fischer did tell you would benefit you...let me know.." Chrissie stopped herself and put up her finger. "For the record...I'm not saying I agree with anything Dr. Fischer said or feels about your relationship with Roger....because I get it...I can see how much he loves you and that you do love him....I don't feel that is wrong in any way...but I want to just say that being with him does make for added stress in your life....dealing with hiding your relationship from most of the world and the pressures of the career you are both in...it is an added burden on your emotional well being.." Chrissie was being completely honest with me and I do appreciate it. This is a side to her I've never bothered to see. While I am not sure how I feel about her offer, I admire her courage to speak her heart and take a risk.

"Is that it?" I asked her; trying to figure out how I would respond. She seemed to think for a moment and then said one more thing.

"One more thing...I brought up Tiger Lily because I know how much she means to you...it's quite clear you love being a parent and are a natural with her...I want you to know that I understand how hard it would be to walk away from her...from having her in your life...so please take into account that if you decided you needed a different life...I would love to have a child and it would be your own Brian! Even if you decide to remain a musician and stay with Queen...I could make a home for you and our child...a calm and peaceful home that you could return to...and know we are there for you.."

Chrissie finished her speech and I was speechless. She had basically promised me the moon! A loving wife and someone to have a child with. A home that would be kept warm and waiting for me after the tours and the foundation of a normal relationship that was palatable to the world. While I think this would normally be impossible to ignore under any other circumstance, the fundamental problem with this whole scheme is that I don't have feelings for her. I don't love her. And I do love Roger. I struggled to find the words to tell her how I feel without hurting her feelings. This is tough. I did ask for her honesty so I owe her mine.

"Chrissie....I have to say that I am beyond flattered...I do think you are one of the nicest and kindest people I have ever met and you do mean a lot to me...but just as you told me your truth, I must tell you mine. I don't have the same type of feelings for you. I care about you and think you are a wonderful friend and have really been there for me. I so appreciate this. But the fact remains that I do love Roger..." She could see I was trying to let her down gently and she smiled softly at my declaration about Roger.

"I know I have thrown a lot at you and told you much more information than you asked for today..." Chrissie replied to me in a straightforward manner. "Can I ask that you think about what I have said to you...what I've offered? I don't expect a concrete answer today..." I felt I could give her this. I am confident I won't change my mind but I do respect the way she has discussed this delicate matter with me. She has been practical and mature about it. So I would be as well.

"I'll do that...I promise I will think about it..." I assured her. She smiled warmly at me and stroked my cheek. I didn't feel offended by it. I do feel her love and care and she is so genuine and kind to me.

"So I hope you know that I would prefer that we keep this conversation between us?" she asked me. I understood and nodded agreement.

"Yes...I do..." I assured her. She stood up from the bench and grabbed her cover up and began to put it on. She turned to me and smiled.

"One last thing..." she told me confidently. "I am going to return home in a few days..." I was surprised to hear this and shook my head.

"You don't have to leave....I hope I didn't make you feel like you have to leave.." I pleaded to her. She shook her head at me.

"No....it's time! You are doing well and with the medication problem sorted...you are stable...I think it's important you get back to your routine and taking care of yourself.." I understood her point but still felt I had run her off. "Plus...I don't think I am cut out for life on the road!" she added.

"Please know you've been a tremendous help to me...I couldn't have made it through these past few weeks without you..." I told her; wanting her to know how much I've appreciate her support and care. "But if you are ready to go and think I can be on my own....then I understand..." she smiled at me again and took my hand.

"You aren't on your own anymore Brian....you've got Roger!" she reminded me. "Don't misunderstand me...I think what you have together is lovely...I completely believe that Roger wants nothing but to make you happy...but I know that he has struggles...just like you do..." she walked over to the door to the room and grabbed the door handle.

"I'm not saying you two are going to end up back in this bad place again...but I know that your relationship has it's problems...I just hate to see you hurt again.." she told me as she opened the door and slipped out of the room. The door closed and the weight of the air and the weight of her words hung heavily around me as I laid down on the bench and tried to sort through it all.

\-----------------

O'Hare Airport

"That's her plane!" Roger exclaimed as we watched a plane pulling up towards the gate we were waiting at. Roger had wanted to meet Jo at the airport and asked me to come along. I want to be supportive and agreed. Peter arranged for a car so we rode to the airport and hung around the terminal waiting for her plane. Luckily it was on time. I took a final drink of my orange juice and tossed the cup in the trash as Roger walked over to the large observation window to watch the plane. I could sense his anticipation and found it kind of cute. He was like a kid on Christmas day. I walked over and stood by him as we watched the airline attendant prepare to receive the incoming passengers. Roger stood next to me with his hair perfectly coifed and his fur coat on. He had worn a pair of black leather pants and a white silk shirt paired with his pink shoes. He looked the part of a rock star as he smashed his cigarette in a receptacle and started watching the arrivals door. It opened up and people began streaming in to the gate.

Roger became hyper as he bounced around trying to spot Jo. He practically came off the ground when he began waiving his arm in the air and shouted.

"Jo!" I was looking in to the crowd of people and saw a young woman smile and waive back to him. She was quite attractive with medium length brown hair that was stylishly cut and parted down the center. She was wearing a tailored dark turquoise pantsuit and had on a fur coat of her own. She almost looked glamorous and it was evident she was cultured somehow. The way she carried herself as she directed her way towards us representation sophistication. She had an expensive carry on bag and leather boots. I could instantly see the attraction. She appeared intelligent and interesting just from seeing her. I already feel a bit intimidated.

Roger took off from my side and greeted her with a hug as she approached us. She was as happy to see him as he was her. I walked up to them as they separated from their greeting; both wearing huge grins.

"Brian May...meet Jo Morris!" Roger told me enthusiastically. He beamed as I took her hand and shook it. "It's lovely to meet you Jo.." I told her and noticed how soft and small her hands are. Her nails were manicured and polished with a light pink coating.

"So you are the famous Mr. May!" Jo remarked to me in a cocky tone as she looked me over. I felt self conscious but she smiled after her once over and her and Roger shared a knowing expression between them. "You were right Roger....he is quite the package..." she told him. I instantly blushed at her comment and Roger leaned in to me and smiled up at me; rubbing my scruffy chin. Since we had been off for a few days I hadn't bothered to shave.

"Yeah...he is!" I felt embarrassed at their exchange and the underlying implication. Jo wrapped her arm around Roger's and they started walking down the hallway.

"C'mon Mr. May..." Roger called after me as they walked arm in arm like best friends towards the luggage area. I suddenly felt like a third wheel.

\------------------

I've never been to Chicago...what is there to do here?" Jo asked us as we rode back to the hotel. Roger sat in the middle of the back seat and I was on one side and Jo was on the other. He was turned towards her; giving her his full attention.

"I know there are some clubs downtown...not far from the hotel.." he informed her. "We saw a few as we rode to the venue yesterday..." I recalled Roger pointing out some places on our drive to the theater we are playing at. "We can find a nice place for dinner before the show.." he added. Jo seemed pleased with his suggestions and pulled a cigarette from her purse. Roger grabbed his lighter and lit her cigarette for her. I found it gentlemanly but also a little intimate. She leaned back on the seat and smoked as Roger got one out for himself. I grabbed the door knob and rolled my window down a bit to let out some of the smoky air.

"Sorry.." Roger remarked as he took a puff. I saw Chrissie watching me intently.

"Oh...you don't smoke! Here....I can put this out....Roger! Put yours out!" she ordered him. Roger looked uncertain but leaned over and stubbed out his cigarette after Jo extinguished hers.

"Thanks..." I told him as the air began to clear up. Roger looked embarrassed for a moment but then slipped his hand in to mine. It felt good for him to make the affectionate gesture; especially in front of Jo. It felt reassuring. I squeezed his hand. Jo watched our actions and seemed touched by it.

"You do make a cute couple..." she remarked and had a sweet look on her face. "Roger told me all about how you got together..." Jo informed me. I instantly wondered how much detail Roger had provided. I know how candid he can be and felt a little bashful as she eyed us.

"Jo said that she thinks we are fascinating..." Roger told me as he glanced over at Jo. She smirked at him and caught my eye.

"I think the word I used was interesting..." Jo corrected Roger but said it in a caring manner. Roger didn't seem offended. They exchanged a knowing look between them and burst out laughing. I instantly felt like they had numerous secrets and wasn't sure I liked this new friendship of theirs. 

We arrived at the hotel and Roger escorted Jo to the front desk to check in. I excused myself and went upstairs to my room. We were meeting Freddie and Deacy for drinks in the hotel bar in a few minutes and I wanted to freshen up. I felt uncertainty about Jo's visit as I washed up at the bathroom sink. I checked my hair in the mirror and wondered if I should get my razor from and shave. I should try and look my best for Roger. I would have to get it from Chrissie. Chrissie! Wow! It had been an overwhelming day. Between her confession to me and my concerning first impressions of Roger's and Jo's friendship; I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotions. I stood and considered the shave when I heard the telephone ring. I walked out to answer it.

"Hello.."

"It's me! Hey - change of plans!" Roger informed me on the phone. "Freddie got a phone call from Steven Tyler of Aerosmith...they are in town doing a show and invited us to a party tonight!" Roger sounded excited and blurted out the details to me on the phone. It did sound like fun and we had spent a lot of time cooped up in hotel rooms. 

"That sounds great!" I told him. Roger was chatting in the background to Jo. 

"Jo's excited about going...never been to a rock and roll party..." Roger commented to me. "I'm calling from the lobby...I'm walking her to her room and I'll see you soon.." he informed me. Before I could answer he hung up. I sighed as I thought about a night with Roger and Jo. The two of them are so friendly with each other. I remembered Roger's remark about Chrissie being 'handsy' and huffed to myself. You could say that Jo is a bit that way herself. As soon as I thought that I realized that it meant she probably likes Roger. Possibly more than as a friend. A knot formed in my stomach as I considered this revelation. I tried to dismiss my unease. There was a knock on the adjoining room door so I guess Chrissie was wanting something. I shouted over to the door.

"Come in!" Chrissie opened her door and smiled at me as he came in to my room. She had just come out of the shower it seemed as her hair was wrapped in a towel and she had on her robe.

"I wanted to let you know that I spoke with Peter and he confirmed my travel arrangements to return home..." she informed me. "I fly out day after tomorrow.." I hadn't realized she was leaving quite this soon. I still hoped I hadn't ran her off. I smiled at her and walked over.

"That soon, huh?" she nodded to me with a meek smile. "Want to go to a party with me tonight?" I asked her before I even thought about it. I do feel I owe her some type of thank you before she goes. She hasn't really got to do much besides babysit me. Her face lit up and she smiled widely at me.

"What kind of party?" she inquired as she ran her hand over the towel on her head.

"An American band we know from an earlier tour...Aerosmith... is having a party tonight....they are in town like us to do a show...they invited us to their place.." she appeared excited but it disappeared as she glanced down at her robe. 

"I'm not sure I have anything I could wear.." she remarked to me. I could see this was worrying her. I smiled at her as she looked at me with uncertainty.

"We can fix that!" I replied and walked over to the phone. I dialed the concierge number at the front desk. I turned to smile at Chrissie as she watched me.

"Concierge...how may I help you?"

"Where is the nearest department store?" 

\-----------------

"You're doing what?" Roger asked me as I stood at his room door. He seemed irritated at my spontaneous plan. I wasn't going to back out after I told Chrissie we were going.

"I'm taking Chrissie to buy something to wear to the party..." I repeated to him. "There are a couple of shops nearby the concierge recommended.." Roger retained his annoyance and walked in to his room. I lingered in the doorway and watched him pull off the shirt he was wearing.

"So you're taking her to the party then?" he asked me in a curt tone. I know he doesn't really like her but I feel I owe her this and he is taking his friend so why can't I bring mine.

"I am yeah..." I informed him. I realized I had not got the chance to explain she was leaving the day after tomorrow. I wasn't going to share the other discussion we had. I had told Chrissie I would keep it between us and I didn't need Roger gloating at being correct in his assumption. I walked over to him as he went through the shirts he had hanging in his closet.

"Rog...I didn't get a chance to tell you but Chrissie is leaving...she's going home early....day after tomorrow actually..." Roger's face had a combination of surprise and relief. I reached out and put my hand on his arm. "She said she feels I am in a good place and since we are back together she knows you will take good care of me.." I patted his arm to drive home the news I was sure would make him happy. I know this would be seen as a good thing by Roger. He actually formed a smile. "I know the shopping is last minute but I want her to have something nice...a going away present.." This seemed to strike the right note with Roger and he nodded to me.

"Alright...I guess Jo and I will meet you at the party..."

"I'll see you there.." I told him as I opened his room door to leave.

"It's a date!" he shouted after me. I sighed to myself as I closed his door and walked back to my room. I know Roger was referencing me when he made this remark. Part of me still felt insecure.

'It's a date alright...but with who?'


	52. Jealousy - Part 2

22nd February 1976

Chicago

Roger's POV

I have to say that something was really different about Chrissie. When she walked in to the party with Brian she seemed almost like another person. She normally wore her hair up since she was a nurse. Mostly I had seen her with it in a tight bun. But tonight her hair was down and it was pretty fucking long and actually really nice. She had parted it down the center and wore it straight but it was thick and lush against her shoulders and breasts. She didn't look at all like a nurse. She looked like somebody's girlfriend and I don't like it. And how about the dress and makeup? I never noticed her wear much makeup but tonight she had it on. It was conservative but it really showed off her cute features. 

"I love your dress Chrissie...where did you get it?" Jo was smiling at her as they came in to the party. I had introduced them after the shock of her appearance wore off. Chrissie beamed at the attention she was getting from Jo and some other party goers. 

"We found it at a boutique...I think it was on State street...Brian do you remember the name?" Chrissie asked him as they shared a glance. He shook his head but smiled as he watched Chrissie talk and run her hand over her new dress. He seemed pleased with the way she is carrying herself. A confidence I had never really noticed before. Her new dress isn't especially daring or sexy but it had a certain chic aspect to it. I could see why Jo liked it. It was a silvery gray satin with blue-gray stripes. It was long and had a conservative cut to it but it was total class. I had to admit that she has good taste.

"Well we can't' remember...but Brian picked it out!" Chrissie informed us as her and Brian stood and checked out the party. I was quite taken aback that Brian had chosen her dress. But I've never shopped for women's clothes with him. Who knew he could pick out an outfit?

"Brian! Good taste!" Jo complimented him. Brian appeared bashful at her remark as we made our way through the large room and found some space at a table. There weren't four seats together and I looked at Brian awkwardly, not sure how we would be paired up. Jo took a seat and Chrissie began moving towards the other end of the table so Brian followed her and I sat down next to Jo. I guess it made sense. Brian ended up seated next to Joe Perry, the guitarist for Aerosmith. They shook hands and he introduced Chrissie. I know Brian had bonded with Joe that time we were both supporting acts for Mott The Hoople on our first U.S. tour. Despite the fight that broke out between our representatives about who would go on stage first, we generally liked the band. I had hung out with their drummer a bit but really connected with their lead singer, Steven Tyler. He was up and chatting with someone as we took our seats.

Jo and I started talking with the current tour man for Aerosmith as we got settled at the table. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one for myself and one for Jo. I handed it to her and noticed Brian was watching me and seemed distracted as he half listened to Joe Perry. I smiled at him as I took my first drag from my cigarette.

"What is there to drink?" Jo asked me. I stood up to walk to the bar and pulled my fur coat off and Jo took it from me. As I was grabbing the two double whiskeys I saw Brian walking up to me.

"Hey...I just found out that the person Steven is talking with is a reporter.." Brian informed me as he requested drinks from the bartender. I didn't realize there would be press at this party. Shit! We shared a cautious look between us as we returned to the table. I noticed someone taking photographs of Steven and Freddie as I handed Jo her drink and sat back down. 

"Just an FYI...there are some reporters here tonight.." I told her quietly as I leaned in towards her. She nodded to me and glanced towards the sound of the camera.

"So if someone asks who I am?" she questioned as we saw the cameraman headed towards our table. I wasn't sure what to say. I should have asked Brian what he wanted to do but now there wasn't time. The photographer arrived at the edge of the table. The man checked his lens and then readied his camera to take pictures of the tabled guests. He quickly snapped a couple of shots. I noticed someone walk up behind him and he had a reporters notebook in his hand.

"Hello everyone....we are getting some photos that may be published along with an article about the band....can I get everyone's names so we can make sure we get it right in the captions?" He started with the man on the left of Jo.

"Tommy Sachs...tour coordinator for Aerosmith.. he told the man. He then looked at Jo. 

"Jo Morris..." She gave her name and then he got to me.

"Roger Taylor....I'm the drummer for the band Queen..." I informed him. He showed recognition of the band name and smiled widely. 

"And is Miss Morris with you tonight?" he asked me. I nodded to him and glanced over at Brian. He was watching all this take place with a touch of unease on his face. The man leaned down towards me. "And for the record, is she your girlfriend, date, companion?" he asked me quietly. I had no idea what to say. Before I could even panic I felt Jo slip her hand in to mine.

"I'm his companion..." Jo responded informally. The man smiled at us both as he wrote something in his notebook and focused on the next person at the table. It made sense for her to say this. She knows about the issues Brian and I have had with trying to keep our relationship private in our public lives. A part of me is relieved as she seemed to come across as quite believable. I squeezed her hand as we shared an expression of togetherness for the reporter. He was moving down the table as Jo casually slipped her hand from mine. I looked up and saw Brian glaring at me from across the table. His annoyed gaze was interrupted by the reporter who was now asking him the same questions he had done with us. I saw Brian express uncertainty as Chrissie gave her name. Brian took Chrissie's hand and leaned in to her and put his arm around her. Fuck! I know he was just copying what Jo and I had just done but I felt a burning sensation inside my chest as he glanced my way after the reporter moved along. I swear he almost looked smug as he kept his arm around Chrissie. Well - two can play at this game!

I wrapped my arm around Jo and she instantly leaned in to me.

"So is this show for the press or for Brian?" she murmured to me with a hint of amusement. I guess she has been a bit more observant tonight that I considered. I raised my eyebrows at her question.

"A bit of both to be honest.." I replied and she snickered as she took a drag of her cigarette. I grabbed my own and kept my eyes on Brian as he turned his attention back to Joe Perry. I noticed his arm didn't drop from Chrissie's shoulder and she was practically beaming at the attention from him. Of course she would!

"Taylor!" I heard someone shout. I looked up and saw Steven Tyler walking towards me wearing a joyous grin. He had a large glass in his hand and his wrist was knotted with a red scarf as a bracelet. 

"Tyler!" I retorted back to him. He laughed as he walked up and took the seat next to me that has just emptied out. He leaned in towards me and gave me a loose hug. He was in good spirits and seemed to be enjoying the party. He ran his hand over the side of his face to pull his hair back as he took a large drink from his glass.

"Hey my man! Glad you could make it tonight....we only heard you were in town today.." I nodded agreement to his words and smiled at him.

"We happened to have a few days off so your timing was good...how have you been?" I asked him. His smile deepened as a woman walked up and took a seat in his lap. Steven gazed at her adoringly and pulled her in close.

"I'm good...I'm good!...Roger...meet Bebe Buell..." he introduced me to his girlfriend and it was clear they are really into each other. They looked in to each other's eyes and shared a gentle kiss. I smiled at their affection but inside wished I could do the same with my love. I couldn't help but glance towards Brian and found him deep in conversation with Joe Perry; his arm still around Chrissie's shoulder.

"It's nice to meet you Bebe....this is my friend Jo Morris..." I replied and Jo reached over and extended her to hand to Steven. He demurely kissed her hand and smiled at us both. Jo and Bebe exchanged a greeting.

"Jo...it's a pleasure to meet you...I see you're British...have you been on the tour with Roger?" 

"No...just in for a quick visit..." Jo informed him smoothly. "I've been in New York working.." she explained to him. Steven began asking her questions about what she does and I found myself watching Brian and Chrissie again. He had removed his arm from around her shoulders but my stomach knotted when I saw his hand laced in hers on top of his leg. I know we are trying to maintain an illusion here but their continued display of affection tore at my insides. And for Brian to be so openly affectionate with anyone is alarming. He and Joe were still talking and they suddenly stood up from the table. Brian turned to help Chrissie get up and the three of them walked out of the room down the hallway. I was curious where they were going. I tried to focus back on the conversation taking place around me. Jo and Bebe were talking about New York City and Steven was busy running his hand up and down Bebe's thigh. I needed the toilet so I figured I could use the opportunity to see where Brian and Chrissie went. I patted Jo's arm and smiled at her.

"Going to the loo...." I informed them all and stood up and started walking towards the toilet. I found the bathroom door and opened it. I was surprised to Joe Perry standing alone at the small counter. I looked down and saw a line of cocaine drawn out on the tile. I was shocked to see this and didn't know he was a user.

"Hey... you want a snort?" Joe asked me as he held out a rolled up dollar bill to me. I shook my head and felt instantly anxious being in this situation. "Suit yourself..." he remarked to me. Joe bent down with the makeshift tube in his hand and proceeded to inhale the entire line. He stood up and sniffed deeply; smiling at me hazily. The door suddenly opened and Brian came in. I jumped in surprise but Joe just smiled at him and held out the tube towards him. "Want some coke Brian?" he asked him in a thick voice. Brian immediately shook his head at Joe. Joe shrugged at his refusal and then ran his finger over the tile to grab any cocaine residue from the surface. He grazed his finger across his tongue and walked towards the door. "See ya!" he remarked as he left the room. Once he was out of the room Brian turned and glared at me.

"I didn't do anything!" I argued to him; seeing the accusation in his eyes. "I came to use the toilet and he was in here....I swear!" I pleaded. Brian's face still held doubt as I walked up the urinal and unzipped my trousers. I proceeded to relieve myself and Brian walked up next to me and began using the neighboring urinal. I looked over at him and found he still seemed dubious; his eyes searching mine for any clue I might be high. "Fine! Don't believe me...but I'm telling you the truth!" I barked at him and zipped up before walking to the sink. I huffed in frustration as I ran the soap over my hands and rinsed them. I need him to believe me. I need him to know I am done with that shit! It has already cost me plenty in my short life. Brian came up next to me and I could feel the tension off of him.

"I hope you understand that trust is still a work in progress for me Rog.." he informed me as I stepped aside to let him wash and I dried my hands on the wall towel. I lingered at the door to see if he had anything else to say; hoping for something besides 'I really don't trust you.'

"I get that Brian...I really do...I want you to see I'm not going to do drugs or cheat again.." I reminded him. I noted when I said the word 'cheat' his eyes darkened. I wasn't sure why.

"That's funny about the cheating part....because the way you've been with Jo since she got here would make me think otherwise.." he remarked to me as he wrung his hands at the sink and walked to the towel. His eyes held scorn as he dried off. I had no idea what he meant by this. We are just friends and have done nothing to imply anything else.

"We are just friends Brian! You know that!" I replied in a curt tone. "You and I just got back together! Do really think I would bring her here if we were involved? Don't be ridiculous!" I couldn't believe what he was implying and felt more anger as I processed his intent.

"You tell me! All I know is you made a huge fuss over Chrissie being so handsy with me yet Jo is just as bad and you want me to ignore how you two hang all over each other!" he snapped at me. I wanted to laugh. He is fucking jealous of her! That is what it is. I laughed out loud at his remarks but still felt the underlying anger that he believed I was involved with her.

"We might be affectionate in our friendship but I can assure you that Jo has never seen me naked. You can't say the same for your girlfriend!" I retorted. His mouth opened in protest but nothing came out. He closed his mouth and shot me a dirty look at he moved past me to open the door. He leaned close to me.

"She is not my girlfriend and you know it!" he reminded me in a snide tone. "She has been my caregiver and a good friend....it's been a professional relationship Rog...nothing more!" Brian was so forceful in his words I almost felt like he was trying to convince himself as well as me. I found it odd and a little unsettling because I can see how she really feels about Brian. I wondered if he had given more thought about what I had told him about her. Before I could respond he got in my face. "Maybe you should just spend the rest of Jo's visit in her company...you seem to prefer it to mine!" Brian told me in a hateful tone and walked out of the bathroom. He closed the door on me before I could say anything. I am livid! He won't believe me and doesn't want to see me! What the fuck? I stood facing the door and felt a compulsion to slam my fist in to it. I knew better though and took a deep breath to try and calm down before I could face other people. I felt a little more in control and walked out to the hallway and back to the party. I immediately saw Brian talking to Steven and Jo and Chrissie was at his side. I walked over and Brian ignored me as he and Chrissie headed for the exit. Chrissie looked back at me as they left the room and seemed confused about their leaving early. I hated that we had fought and he was leaving. I really hated that he was leaving with her. I returned to my seat next to Jo and she leaned in to me and whispered as Steven was talking to someone else.

"What happened? Why are they leaving?" she asked me softly. I turned towards her ear and whispered back.

"Brian and I had words in the toilet...it didn't end well..." I informed her. She looked at me sympathetically and wrapped her arm around me. It felt good; comforting and I leaned in to it. I turned to focus on the people around us and tried to think about something other than Brian's harsh words to me and the fear what little faith he had in me was unraveling. 

\------------------------

24th February 1976

Chicago

I couldn't stop thinking about Brian the whole ride to the venue. We had not really spoken since our fight at the party a few nights ago. I had been angry at how unreasonable he was being after I calmed down from the initial shock of his accusations about Jo. I know there is nothing going on between us and I was frustrated because I have been completely honest and open about our new friendship with him. I love Brian and want to be with him but I am also finding I need some friends in this world. Jo is a good friend and she has been there for me with asking nothing in return other than friendship and similar support. I was so aggravated with him being unreasonable that I was more than happy to give him the space he suggested. I spent my days with Jo and we had a good time despite my hurting heart. She kept my spirits up and we spent some time shopping and dining in the Windy City. We even caught a late showing of the new Clint Eastwood movie, The Enforcer. I had not been to a movie with anyone besides Brian in a long time. It felt odd for him not to be there but Jo was a good companion and we shared a bucket of popcorn and a lot of conversation about the movie on the taxi ride back to the hotel.

It felt odd for him not to be there but Jo was a good companion and we shared a bucket of popcorn and a lot of conversation about the movie on the taxi ride back to the hotel  
Jo was sitting next to me in the car as we rode to our show tonight. We didn't need the soundcheck today since we had played here a few nights before. The crew was doing a cursory tuning check and I would double check the drums when we arrived. It was an exceptionally cold night and I was bundled up in my fur coat and a hat and gloves. Jo was similarly dressed and we fought the brutal winds on the short walk from the car to the private entrance. We got inside and sought the warmth of the dressing room. Unfortunately a coldness prevailed there as we entered. Brian had arrived before us and was getting his hands looked at by Chrissie as he sat on a bench and seemed a bit cozy with her as she hovered over him. Chrissie seemed to be trimming his finger nails and cuticles as we walked in. They both looked at us and Chrissie seemed uncomfortable but Brian looked apprehensive at our presence. Jo ignored it and walked towards a large couch and sat down as Freddie arrived in the room with David in tow behind him.

"Good evening everybody! Ready to put on a show?" he asked us in an excited voice. He could immediately sense the tension in the room and his face dropped a bit. "Wait....was there already a show and I missed it?" he remarked sarcastically to us. I gave him a perplexed look and shrugged.

"You tell me...Brian is in a huge tit over nothing...but I'm fine!" I announced with a sneer. Brian shot me a hateful look as I walked to my dressing area and I ignored him as I opened my case up.

"Nothing?" Brian exclaimed. "Let's see....where do I begin Freddie?" Brian replied to Freddie and got up and walked towards him. Freddie dropped his amused expression and gave Brian a dour look. 

"I'm not interested in a laundry list of Roger's sins Brian...but I am hoping any drama going on between you two is left in this dressing room before we hit that stage.." he demanded of us both. "Am I making myself clear?" he asked us in a short manner. I know our problems in the past few months have been a strain for Freddie and Deacy and I do feel bad about it. I know it seemed like we were past this and it has blown up all over again.

"Nothing but business on stage Freddie...." I assured him. I glanced over at Brian with a cautious look. "No worries...he is my best mate on stage...right Bri?" I challenged to Brian. 

"Don't worry Fred...I'll be on my best behavior...." Brian told him as he walked in to the adjoining toilet and closed the door. Freddie rolled his eyes and huffed as he headed for his costume rack. He started going through it and then looked over at David.

"The passes and tickets for the three of you are on that table...." Freddie waived his hand towards the table near the door. David raised his eyebrows and went to get the passes. He took the sticker and peeled the backing off and slapped it on his shirt. He walked over to Chrissie and handed her one. She took it and began to put it on as Jo walked over to get hers.

"Ladies....care to join me for a drink before we take our seats?" he asked them. "We have some nice box seats on stage right.." he informed them. I was happy that David was willing to host Jo and Chrissie to watch the show tonight. This venue had box seats in addition to the floor and it made for easier viewing for private guests. Chrissie got up from the bench and grabbed her purse. She looked nice and was wearing a long lavender dress. Her hair was styled and worn long again. She looked nothing like a caregiver right now. Jo had gone total concert mode and was wearing a black leather jacket over a Queen t-shirt and blue jeans. She had on a pair of trainers I bought her during our shopping trip. She walked over and kissed my head as they prepared to leave. It made me smile and felt good.

"Knock em dead drummer boy!" she remarked to me as Brian came out of the toilets and watched as Jo headed towards the door. Chrissie waived to him and Brian smiled and waived back.

"Good luck...." Chrissie told him as David led them out of the room.

"Enjoy the show!" Brian called after her. I turned back to the dressing table and began getting ready. Brian walked over to his own chair down from mine and sat down. Freddie's assistant came in with a large bag and went over to help him get ready. I felt Brian's eyes on me as I organized my wrist bands and jewelry for the show. Deacy walked in with Ratty in tow. They were both eating ice cream cones and were smiling about something.

"Evening all.." he remarked to us as he walked to his own dressing area. I waived to him from my mirror.

"Ready for the show Deacy?" Freddie asked him in a sweet voice. Deacy licked his cone and smirked at him.

"After I finish my cone...yes..." he replied playfully. Freddie chuckled and returned his focus on his costume. I smiled at Deacy's cheekiness and stood up to grab my clothes. I noticed Brian was still staring at me. His expression was a mixed one.

"Ready to apologize to me?" I asked Brian quietly as I got near him to pull my clothes from their hangers. He seemed surprised at my request and glared at me in the mirror.

"Why do I need to apologize?" he asked in a gruff tone. "I believe you are the one who was caught in a bathroom with cocaine on the counter and you are the one who has been gallivanting around with your girlfriend!" I couldn't believe he was still going to make waves about the bathroom incident with Joe Perry. It was clear I hadn't done anything. And the shit about Jo was tiresome. I was done trying to justify our friendship. My face felt hot with anger as he shot me a judgmental look. I stormed over to my dressing table and felt the urge to toss the nearest thing at his smug face. I tried to contain myself despite clenched fists and anger filling my gut.

"You know Brian...I think I'm sick of your speech!" I informed him as I picked up my comb and tried to focus on styling my hair. "I'm not going to explain myself again because I told you the truth two days ago and you just refuse to believe it!" I reminded him. I worked not to yank my own hair and caught a look of ire from Freddie in the mirror as he monitored our behavior. I shot him a look back.

"Don't worry Freddie! It will stay in this fucking room!" I declared as I leaned over and reached for my hairspray. I heard Brian scoff as he began to fluff his hair in the mirror.

"What was that for?" I barked at Brian. He looked up at me in the mirror and shrugged.

"Nothing..." he told me but his tone spoke volumes. I have had enough of his attitude and cutting remarks tonight. I got up and walked towards him.

"Bullshit!" I told him as I stood next to him. He turned in his seat to face me with a look of contempt and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I didn't say a word Rog!" he informed me with that same shitty tone. I scowled at him as my face burned.

"I'm glad...cause I'm done listening to your bullshit!" Brian shot up from his seat and looked like he might attack me. Without thinking I went in to defense mode and before I knew what I was doing I pressed the nozzle on my can of hair spray and shot it at his face. It got him straight in the eyes and nose and his hands immediately flew up to protect himself.

"What the fuck!" he shouted at me as I dropped the can in shock. I took a few steps back and watched in horror as Brian rubbed at his face. I was absolutely mortified at what I had done.

"Bri! I'm sorry.." I started to tell him. He finished wiping at his eyes and blinked heavily and his face was red as he focused on me with tearing eyes and a scowl on his mouth. Before I could say anything else to him he suddenly lunged out of his chair and came at me. I gasped as he blindly threw his arms out in front of him and I stumbled backwards trying to get away from him. He reached towards me as we made contact and I was shoved up against the wall behind me. His body came slamming into mine and almost knocked the air out of me. I felt winded and terrified at the same time. Brian's body was pressed against mine and for a moment I really felt like he was going to strike me. My hands shot up in front of my face but he grabbed them and forced them to my sides.

Brian and I both were breathing heavily and glaring at each other. We were practically panting into each other's mouths as our anger and frustration fixed in our eyes. 

"Oh shit!" I heard Deacy announce and realized they had both witnessed this. I ignored them and kept my gaze on Brian; wondering if he was actually going to hit me. A part of me felt like I might deserve it.

"Get out!" Brian yelled in my face but it was directed to our bandmates. I heard Deacy gasp and he and Freddie both scrambled and the door to the room opened and closed quickly. I waited for the hammer to fall and tensed my body up for his attack. He was still breathing heavily and holding me flat against the surface. My heart was pounding in my chest and my hands began to form fists. 

I gasped when Brian suddenly moved at me and was floored when he crashed his mouth into mine. I couldn't breathe for the shock I felt as he let go of my wrists and grabbed my ass and lower thighs. I let him lift me up against the wall as he kissed me hard. It was the most exhilarating and passionate kiss I've ever had with him. His lips pressed in to my own and his tongue quickly found it's way in to the picture as he attacked my mouth and face. I moaned and realized I was rock hard as he began grinding into me with his own hips and crotch.

"Fuck!" I moaned out to him as he tore at my shirt and ripped it open; my buttons spraying in to the air around us. Brian moved his mouth away from mine and began working me over; kissing and biting at my neck and shoulders and almost grunting at me as he firmly pressed our clothed cocks together. I lifted my legs up and wrapped them around his hips and grabbed his back to press him harder against me.

"Fuck...you make me crazy...but I love you..." Brian growled in to my neck and then moved his mouth back towards my own. I couldn't believe he was telling me he loved me after I sprayed him in the face but right now it didn't matter. We both felt the pull of desire engulf as we let go of the petty arguments. The room door burst open and I almost jumped out of Brian's arms in response.

Freddie was standing in the doorway and his mouth hit the floor as he saw us pressed in to each other and my legs wrapped around Brian and our faces deep in a snog.

"It got quiet and I worried that Brian might be choking you to death with his bare hands!" Freddie bellowed at us and placed his hands on his hips. "I see now he was just getting ready to choke you with another appendage!" he chuckled at his own quip and winked at me and closed the door as he left. Brian rolled his eyes as he began to slowly separate our bodies and let me gently drop my legs to the floor.

"I guess this is to be continued?" I asked him as we both tried to come down from our lust filled state. He breathed out slowly and leaned against the wall beside me; he laughed lightly.

"So will be you be my best mate on the stage now?" he asked me with a hint of humor in his voice. I leaned over and cupped his still present erection.

"Only if you promise to fuck me later...." I replied and he smacked my ass as I walked away. I laughed and went to the doorway.

"Coast is clear!" I shouted and it opened slowly as I took my seat at the dressing table to try and fix my disastrous looking hair. Deacy and Freddie came back inside and I watched them as they tried to act casual and began preparing for the show. I noticed Brian coming towards me and he walked up and handed me the can of hair spray that he had retrieved from the floor. I took it from him with a smile and he leaned down and kissed my cheek.

"Thanks Brimi..." I told him sweetly. He smiled at me and stood up.

"You're welcome Roggie..." he replied and started back to his own chair.

"Oh for the love of god! Make up your mind you two!" Deacy moaned at us. We both turned to look at him with confusion.

"What?" I inquired and he pulled his socks off and flung them at us.

"I hate you! I love you! You're an asshole! You're my sweetheart! You can't have it both ways.." Deacy whined and Freddie giggled.

"Yes we can Deacy!" I explained to him and his face registered dismay. I snickered at him. "It's called being bi-sexual! It means you can have it both ways..." I teased. He shook his head and huffed at me.

"No it's not! It's called being insane!" he told us and I turned around to face him with my hair spray can in my hand and everyone burst out laughing.


	53. It's The Sad Eyed...Goodbye...

25 February 1976

Chicago

6 am

Voyeur's POV

"Here's his medication and you need to figure out where to keep his razor.." Chrissie advised Roger as she looked over her notes. "Make sure he writes in his journal regularly and he gets enough sleep.." Chrissie turned to him and pulled out a small bottle of pills. "He doesn't know about this but Dr. Roberts gave me a small supply of Valium in case Brian has trouble again.." she revealed to Roger. "He called it in to a local chemist back in Cleveland when he had that panic attack and I informed him about the issues with Dr. Fischer.." Roger was surprised at this information but kept quiet as Chrissie continued going over Brian's care instructions. He knew about the razor but wasn't aware of Brian writing in a journal or how much Chrissie had been doing for him. Despite his misgivings about her real agenda, he was grateful to her.

"I guess that's everything..." Chrissie mumbled as she thought out loud. She sighed and closed her notebook and stuffed it in her tote bag. She glanced at Roger to gauge his grasp of all the information she had shared with him. 

"Okay...I think I've got it....thanks Chrissie...I really mean it! You have taken good care of him...it means a lot!" Chrissie smiled warmly at Roger's gratitude and felt it was sincere. She reached her arms out to him and he accepted her hug.

"I know we both want Brian to completely recover...he is on his way.." she remarked to him as they released from their embrace. Chrissie pulled back and they shared a understanding glance as she walked over and checked her that her suitcase was secured. There was a knock on her door and Roger walked over and opened it to find the bellman waiting with a luggage cart.

"Are you ready?" the bellman asked them and Chrissie nodded as she approached the doorway. Roger brought her suitcase to the door and the bellman took it from him. He stepped out and began pushing the cart down the hall. Roger followed him to Jo's room and he knocked. 

"It's open!" Jo shouted and Roger pushed the door open where he found Jo applying some lip gloss at the vanity in the room. She smiled at him as she slipped her makeup bag in her purse and moved towards the front of the room. Roger picked up her suitcase and handed it to the bellman. Roger circled his arm around Jo's shoulder as they walked in to the hallway together. They found Brian in the hallway with Chrissie and they exchanged a warm expression between them. They were silent as they got on to the lift and went to the lobby. The lift door opened and they stepped out. Roger walked up to the front desk to check on their car. 

"Mr. Taylor...the car you asked for is waiting outside.." the concierge informed him. Roger nodded thanks and joined his party as they headed out the front entrance. The wind was biting and bitter as they quickly climbed in the back of the limousine. Roger felt the chill of the wind down to his bones as he held himself inside his coat. He was grateful to be next to Jo in her own fur coat as the driver closed their door. The car's interior was quite warm and he relaxed as he saw Brian and Chrissie settle in the seat facing them. The trunk of the car closed as the bellman finished loading the luggage and the driver took off from the curb. They were quickly pulled in to traffic as they headed for the airport.

"I heard the weather is good for getting out this morning....there is snow coming in this afternoon but you'll just miss it.." Brian commented to everyone as they rode to O'Hare. He felt sad that Chrissie was leaving. Despite some awkwardness that formed between them because of Chrissie's confession and offer to him, Brian still enjoyed her company and had found her presence in his life soothing and grounding. He would miss her care and comfort. He had actually felt a bit spoiled by it all. It was a mixed bag of feelings that engulfed him as they sat quietly on their ride to the airport. He is totally in love with Roger but did see some merit in Chrissie's claims about his mental well being. It was still a lot to process.

"It's a shame there wasn't time for a proper breakfast..." Roger remarked as they sped along with highway. "These early flights aren't always the best.." he thought out loud to himself. The others heard him but seemed lost in their own thoughts. Jo seemed to come around and smiled at him.

"They'll probably serve us something on the plane.." she informed him and Roger nodded agreement. The silence resumed and the air seemed filled with unspoken words as they arrived at the airport terminal. The limo pulled up to the curb for United Airlines. The car stopped and the driver got out and opened the door for Roger. He slid out of the car on to the sidewalk and held his hand out for Jo. She took it and he pulled her out of the limo as they moved away to allow Brian and Chrissie to exit. They didn't wait for the porter to get their luggage as the wind remained harsh on their faces. They quickly moved inside the terminal and walked to the check in desk. 

The porter made his way towards them and they retrieved the luggage and tipped the man as Jo and Chrissie got in line to check in for the flight. Brian and Roger held on to their friend's suitcases and then deposited it when they got their turn at the counter. Both woman soon had their boarding passes and the foursome began the long walk to the gate where their flight would leave.

"It's remarkable you both are on the same flight out..." Brian commented as they strolled down the concourse. "But I guess Peter did your bookings.." he remarked. They walked past a food area and the smell of fresh brewing coffee captured them all. "Who wants some coffee?" Brian asked as they all slowed down at the pull of the aroma. It was unanimous and Roger checked his watch to see if they had time to sit for a few minutes and enjoy a final moment together.

"Their flight isn't for another hour..." Roger informed them all. Brian nodded and got in line for coffee. "I'll find us a table..." Roger advised them and walked over towards an area with seating. Despite the early hour the airport was quite busy and he had to search for a table.

"I'll help with the coffees.." Jo announced and walked up to Brian's side. Chrissie turned and began following Roger to search for some seats. There was a small line but it was moving steadily. Jo reached over and touched Brian's hand to get his attention as they stood side by side. Brian turned to look at her.

"Since we're alone for a minute...I wanted to say something.." she told him quietly. Brian was curious what this was about and gave her his full attention. Jo looked at him with a serious but warm expression. "I know you don't like me that much...and I understand why..." she acknowledged to him. "You seem to think I'm some kind of threat...but please know that I have no romantic notions about Roger.." Jo wanted to assure Brian she had no intention of making a play for Roger. She adores him but didn't see him as a lover or a partner. They are too much alike! Too much fire and energy. They would quickly burn out. As a friend he was perfect. The best things in a man without all the sex and the game playing. Plus, he loves to shop! "Roger and I are too much alike...I feel he is a kindred spirit...but that is where it stops....you see...it's easy to find a good lay in this world but it's so hard to find a good friend..." Jo told him bluntly. "So I hope we can find a way to be friends....I do like you Brian...and I hope sometime soon you can find a way to like me as well.." Brian didn't hesitate and smiled at Jo. There was a sense of relief that the underlying fear he had about her was laid out in front of them and addressed so directly.

"I would like for us to be friends...and I appreciate your honesty with me.." he responded. "I'm sorry if I haven't been very open to you...Roger and I....we just reconciled and I've felt a bit fragile.." Brian confessed to Jo. He suddenly understood why Roger found her so easy to talk to. She had an ease about her. And a familiarity, she's not unlike Roger himself. Confident and self assured. And a warmth despite her cool persona. He felt some hope for a better situation between them going forward. Jo nodded understanding at Brian's words and hugged him gently at his side.

"Roger is my friend and I want him happy...you are the person who makes him happy...I hope things do work out for you both in the long term.." Brian found her sentiment heartwarming and he accepted her hug and smiled at her.

"He makes me happy too..." Brian assured her and they both took a step forward in their friendship and in the coffee line.

\-----------------------

Roger and Chrissie sat in an awkward silence as they both watched for Brian and Jo to find then once they bought the coffees. Even though they had shared a warm moment together this morning the misgivings Roger had about Chrissie's true agenda with Brian remained. She is a nice person and has taken good care of Brian, but Roger can't let go of the feeling that if things were different, Chrissie would be on tour with Brian as his girlfriend or wife and not as a caregiver. A strong urge for a cigarette filled his core. He tried to ignore it; knowing it wouldn't go over well with his current company. 

"I called Dr. Roberts a few days ago to see if there might be an opening for me in his office again.." Chrissie advised Roger. She couldn't take the silence anymore and decided to make small talk to stave off the building tension between them. Roger listened and decided to be civil with her. She was leaving after all and wouldn't be a problem anymore. 

"Are they able to hire you back?" Roger asked; actually curious to see if he would be seeing her at the doctor's in the future. Chrissie shook her head and then smiled lightly.

"They don't have any openings but it did help me decide to enroll in a midwife program...I am thinking of moving into women's health or pediatrics.." she informed him. Roger found this as welcome news. The likelihood of her being around if she went in these fields was basically nil. He smiled at her genuinely.

"That's exciting....making a change might be a new adventure for you.." he tried to encourage her move and she took his words to heart. She smiled warmly at him and her face actually took on a dream like quality for a moment as she remembered Brian's speech about takings risks and going after what you want.

"I actually have Brian to thank for my courage to go into a different field...he told me once that if you really want something you should just go for it...take a chance on something.." Chrissie explained to Roger with a light in her eyes. 

"Brian can be inspiring..." Roger mumbled to her as he kept a lookout for his husband and dear friend. Luckily he spotted Brian's curly head making its way towards them. He and Jo each carried two cups in their hands. They were saying something to each other and Jo's head tilted a bit as she laughed at something and Brian smiled widely. He could hear their laughter as they neared the table. Chrissie saw them as well and was curious what had suddenly made them look so comfortable with each other. They arrived at the table and handed over the coffees to the others. The grins remained on Brian and Jo's faces.

"Something amusing?" Roger questioned as Jo took a seat next to him at the small table. Her and Brian shared a knowing glance and she turned to Roger.

"Brian was just telling me about the time you told a couple of girls who tried to hit on you both that you were in Brighton for a dirty weekend and made it clear to the girls Brian was your paramour..." Jo snorted with laughter as she got the words out and Roger and Brian joined in the giggles. Chrissie watched them cluelessly with a blank face. She had no idea what a dirty weekend was. Brian noticed her lack of response and got a hold of himself and leaned in towards her.

"Do you know what a dirty weekend is?" Brian asked her; unable to hide the amusement that remained from the story. Chrissie shook her head shyly at him; feeling left out of a joke. She couldn't help but notice that Roger and Jo were now looking at her with what Chrissie felt was scorn. Chrissie immediately felt self conscious and looked at Brian for some sympathy. He hadn't stopped laughing and for some reason Chrissie took it that Brian was laughing at her. She couldn't take it and stood up from the table and clutched her bag close to her as she marched off towards the toilets.

"Chrissie!" she heard Brian call after her. Chrissie's head was swimming in a pool of different emotions. She was a bit emotional at the idea of leaving Brian and wondering if he was taking her offer seriously. Or is he just coddling her? She quickened her pace to the bathroom and went inside. She wasn't sure if Brian had followed her but needed a moment to get over the onset of tears. Since she was in there she decided to use the facilities. She did her business and walked out to the sink and began washing when the door opened up and Jo came in. She instantly looked at Chrissie with a sympathetic expression.

"Sorry about that..." Jo told her as she walked up to Chrissie with concern in his face. "I didn't mean to embarrass you..." Chrissie felt Jo was being sincere and smiled at her as she finished washing her hands.

"It's alright....I'm a bit on edge today....with leaving and all.." Chrissie replied. Jo could see the emotion in Chrissie's eyes and wanted to make her feel better. She walked up and put a caring hand on her shoulder.

"Brian has kind of grown on you...hasn't he?" Jo said to her. Her intent was to just acknowledge that Chrissie liked Brian and was going to miss him. Chrissie nodded to her and fought off tears. Leaving was harder than she imagined. Jo could see the struggle and pulled her in for a loose hug. "We leave pretty soon...need a few minutes to yourself?" Jo asked her kindly. Chrissie shook her head. 

"No...let's go...I'll be okay.." Jo put her arm around Chrissie as they left the bathroom together. They walked back towards the table and a worrying guitarist. Jo winked at them to signal things were okay. Jo leaned in to Chrissie before they got in earshot.

"Remind me when we get on the plane to explain what a dirty weekend is.." she whispered to Chrissie. It made Chrissie smile which gave Brian a sense of relief as he watched them return.

\---------------------

"Can you call and let me know you got home safely?" Brian asked Chrissie as they separated from a farewell hug. Chrissie nodded to him and smiled at him.

"I will...I've still got your itinerary so I know where to call..." she reminded him. He nodded understanding and he let Chrissie go as they heard the boarding announcement from the gate. Chrissie clutched her tote bag and purse to her side and gave Brian another warm smile.

"Thanks again for taking care of me and for coming on the tour....you've been a lifesaver really..." Brian told her honestly and took her hand in his. He gave in to a compulsion and leaned down and kissed her cheek. Chrissie blushed deeply as Brian leaned back. Roger watched the whole episode but didn't want to react to it. He told himself Brian is just being gracious and to let it go. He sighed inside as he felt Jo lean in and kissed the top of his head.

"I'll call you from the city drummer boy....I'll let you know we both made it to New York at least.." Jo promised him. Roger smiled at her and kissed her hand. 

"I'll talk to you soon then....thanks for coming...I hope you had a good time..." Jo smiled at him as she picked up her bag from the chair next to her. 

"It was brilliant Rog...and thanks Brian for being a good sport!" Jo remarked as she turned to Brian and winked at him. Brian chuckled at her and nodded.

"Sure Jo...have a safe trip.." he replied. Roger glanced over at Chrissie and smiled at her. He felt he had to say something out of politeness.

"Take care Chrissie...." Roger offered to her. Chrissie gave Roger a slight nod.

"Thanks Roger..." she answered and reached over to Brian for one final hug. Brian pulled her in and held her close. She took her chance and whispered quietly in his ear. "Don't forget my offer..." she reminded him. "You promised to think about it..." Brian nodded gently against her and then slowly released her from the hug. As they parted Chrissie looked meaningfully into his eyes to show she was serious. Brian smiled softly to her as she turned and began walking to the gate doorway. She didn't look back as she walked up and showed her boarding pass to the attendant. 

Jo hugged Roger quickly and smiled at him and then rushed to catch up to Chrissie. She got to the attendant and looked up and waived to Roger. He smiled and waived goodbye as they both disappeared from view. Brian and Roger stood silently and were pensive as the gate door was closed. 

"I guess we have a bus to catch!" Roger remarked to Brian. They looked at each other and turned to walk back towards the airport exit. Both were lost in their heads and didn't say much as they slipped back into the waiting limousine. Roger tapped on the blacked out window and the car started up and began to pull out in to traffic. With the privacy window in place Roger immediately took hold of Brian's hand. They were alone now and Roger liked it. Brian squeezed his hand and then pulled Roger in towards him and put his arm around him. Roger closed his eyes and felt like he had just won a victory. Chrissie is gone!

\-------------------------- 

\--8pm --

Saint Louis

Roger's POV

It's nice to get back to the way things used to be. We arrived at the hotel in Saint Louis on the tour bus and disembarked to get to our rooms. Peter greeted us as we entered the lobby and handed out the room keys. I smiled as I saw Brian had the adjoining room to mine. We got to our floor and entered our rooms separately. As soon as I got inside I dropped my bag and walked straight to the internal adjoining room door. I opened my side and found Brian opening his a few moments later. We shared a contended smile and then went to unpack a few things and get settled in each room. The first thing I did was unpack his medications and put them in my bathroom. I also got out the shaving razors and hid them behind a supply of toilet paper in a cabinet. We don't have a show until tomorrow so tonight is about unwinding and finally being alone. Deacy is nursing a mild cold and had informed everyone he was spending the night in bed with a hot water bottle and the television remote. Freddie and David are having dinner with a Midwest promotions man for Elektra and we opted to skip the event. We had plenty of promotional work ahead of us so we didn't feel too bad about playing hooky from one dinner.

"They have room service...want to order in?" Brian asked me through the doorway as I began to undress. I wanted some warm pajamas for a night in. 

"Order me something hot.." I asked him as I pulled my jacket and shirt off and reached for the button on my trousers. I noticed Brian watching me with a gleam in his eye. His smile was devilish.

"I don't think you are on the menu..." he replied to my request and winked at me. I was beyond thrilled to have my old Brian back. These are moments with him I cherish. I laughed at his rude comment and turned around and wiggled my bum at him.

"I'm the daily special....best dessert in town.." I announced to him in a sultry voice. Brian laughed at me as he walked over and swatted my bottom with the room service menu. I jumped away from him shouting and landed on the bed. He tossed the menu at me.

"Figure out what you want.." he ordered at me. "I'm going to take a shower...order me whatever...you know what I like...." Brian turned to go back in his room. I smiled to myself as I got dressed in my pajamas and robe and picked up the menu to look it over. I decided on some food and called the extension and put our order in. I hung up my phone and it rang again. I hoped there wasn't a problem with my order and answered.

"Hello..."

"Mr. Taylor...we have a switchboard call for you from a Miss Morris.." the operator informed me. It is Jo calling. Good!

"Put her through please..." I requested. I glanced at the clock and was relieved to know she was safe in New York City. The line clicked.

"Hello..."

"Roger it's me!" Jo answered and I smiled hearing her voice. "I'm back at Essex House...our flight was on time.." she informed me.

"Good...hope the weather there isn't too bad....it's warmer here in Saint Louis than Chicago but not by much..." I told her. "How was the flight with Chrissie...I hope she didn't bore you..." I remarked to her. I could hear that Brian was in the shower and knew he wouldn't overhear my comment.

"Oh...it was anything but boring.." Jo answered and her voice gave me pause. "I think you might have a problem with her..." Jo informed me with concern in her tone.

"What do you mean? She's gone home...she's out of the picture..." I answered. Jo and I had more than a few conversations about Chrissie and she was well aware of my concerns about her feelings regarding Brian. She knew I was thrilled Chrissie was leaving as it would stave off any plan of hers to steal him from me. Her words now felt alarming. 

"Roger...I may have lied to Chrissie to get her to talk to me...just so you know.." Jo explained. "She questioned my intentions toward you while we were on the plane and I let her believe I am after you to see if she would say anything about her feelings for Brian..." I could see that Jo misled her to get her to talk. I knew Brian wouldn't like this but Jo was the one who did it, not me.

"And?" I asked her the million dollar question. I heard her take a deep breath and the bottom dropped out of my stomach. I knew it wasn't going to be good.

"You were right...she's in love with him..." Jo confirmed to me. I don't know why I was surprised. I had already felt this was the case. I guess getting confirmation of it was unsettling.

"Well she is an ocean away from him now so what's the concern?" I asked her; wanting to know why I need to worry.

"She made him an offer!" she exclaimed in the phone.

"What do you mean by an offer?" I wasn't sure what this meant and it sounded foreboding.

"Chrissie admitted to me that she told Brian how she feels about him. So Brian knows, okay?" she informed me. Before I register this information she went on. "She told me that she made an offer to Brian...that she would make a home for him and would be there waiting for him when the tour ends.."

"Wait! What? What do you mean waiting for him?" I was confused and feeling a knot form in my stomach. I wasn't clear what she was saying but the whole idea of Chrissie waiting for him after the tour had my heart starting to race.

"She basically made him an offer of marriage I guess..." Jo clarified to me. "I mean she clearly told me she promised him a normal life and a home together for him to come home to when you all aren't on the road. She even mentioned talk of having a baby!" I didn't want to believe what Jo was saying but I know she wouldn't lie to me. She is a straight talker. It's one thing I love about her as a friend.

"Well she can't have him! He's mine! He's already my husband!" I barked in the phone; feeling threatened by that mouse of a girl. "So you're telling me that she offered herself to him?" I questioned; still not wanting to absorb it. "As a wife and a mother to his children?" 

"Yes!"

"Did she tell you what Brian said back to her? If he accepted her offer?" I was terrified to know the answer but not knowing would eat me alive. Either way I felt screwed. 

"She said she told him all this and his response was that he loved you..." Jo answered. I was heartened by this but still felt there was more to this.

"So if he told her that why is she still thinking this offer still stands?"

"Because he didn't flat out say no and Chrissie made him promise to think on it and make his decision when the tour ends.."

"And he agreed to this?" I asked in disbelief.

"According to Chrissie...yes!" 

"Fuck!" I gasped out loud without realizing it.

"I'm sorry to be the bearer of this news Roger...when we started talking on the plane I never thought she would say anything like this to me....but I guess she was bursting to tell someone and saw me as someone on the same side as her. Both of us wanting something we can't have.." I laid back on the bed and tried to remain calm as I processed everything Jo said to me.

"It's alright...I'm just glad you found this out..." I replied; wanting her to feel better about dropping this on me. We were silent for a moment.

"Do you know what you are going to do about it?" Jo asked me. I wasn't sure. I considered the possibility that what Brian said to her was true. He loves me and that's all there is to it.

"I'm not sure...I mean it's possible that there is nothing to it...Brian loves me and he isn't remotely interested in her offer...he told her he would think about it to spare her feelings...I mean...it sounds like Brian...trying to be nice about an awkward situation..." I thought out loud to her. 

"But if he is considering her offer?" Jo asked me bluntly. I quaked inside and didn't like the feeling that came over me. Was I going to have to prove to Brian before the tour ends why he needs to stay with me and forget about Chrissie's deal? I almost wished Chrissie hadn't left now. Her absence would only stoke the fires for her cause. He would only see her as she was before she left. She wasn't here long enough to show her true colors. He only saw her at her absolute best. Shit!

"I guess I can't bank on him not being interested....I am not sure he will tell me about her offer even if it meant nothing to him. I have already brought up my suspicions and he wouldn't want me to rub it in his face that I was right...." I told her. I noticed the shower had stopped in Brian's room. I knew I had to cut our conversation short. "I'll just have to show Brian what he has with me..." The perfect weapon entered my head and I smiled as I held the phone in my hand. 

"I know just the thing to make sure Brian makes the right choice.." I declared. 

"What's that?" Jo asked me. Brian's bathroom door opened and he walked out and was coming towards me; wrapped only in a towel and looking good enough to eat. I needed to get off the phone and away from this conversation.

"Well thanks for letting me know you arrived safely Jo....we'll wait on a call from Chrissie once she's back in London.." I spoke in to the phone. I heard Jo make a noise of confusion. "Brian and I are getting ready for dinner so I'll talk to you soon.." 

"Oh....okay...call me soon....good luck with what you decide.." Jo replied. "Bye..." she hung up her phone and I cradled mine. Brian was standing in my doorway with one arm raised up and leaned against the frame. His lean torso glistened from his shower and he held a towel in his hand. His hair hung heavy around his face and needed drying off.

"That was Jo on the phone....her and Chrissie made is safely to New York City.." I told him casually. He nodded and smiled at me as he held out the towel in his hand.

"Want to help me dry my hair?" Brian asked me in a soft voice. He knows how much I love to handle his hair and it had been a while since I was able to do this. I nodded to him and smiled as he walked over and took a seat on the edge of the bed and I scooted down and he sat between my legs as I took the towel from him. I unfolded it and covered my hands with at as I began to gently work the terry towel on his head. I bunched the towel around and scrunched up his hair to dry it; being careful not to pull on it or frizz it up. I was so content to be the one to do these things for him again. To comfort him and care for him. Even with the new circumstances with his medicine and his shaving razors, it still didn't matter to me. I love him just the way he is. Whether he is strong as nails or fragile as a baby bird. He's my Brian. Mine to love and cherish. Not Chrissie's. 

Brian's eyes were closed and he seemed blissful from my care with his curls. I finished drying his hair and laid the towel down and leaned in to his shoulder from behind him; taking in the scent of the crème rinse he started using on his hair and fresh soap. For some reason a line I had written years before in my notebook popped in my head and amazingly a semblance of a melody to go with it came also. 

"You don't need nobody else but me.." I sang gently in his ear. I hummed the melody and repeated the line to him. "You don't need nobody else but me..." Brian reached around with his hand and touched my arm that was nestled against his side.

"What's that?" he asked me. "What song is that from?" I smiled and pulled my arms around his chest and held him tight.

"I wrote it...." I told him. "It's about you..." I confessed to him. He leaned back in to me.

"You're right you know...I don't need anyone else...but you..." he replied. My heart swelled with the hope that this was the truth and he had just tried to be nice to Chrissie when he promised to consider her offer. But I'm not going to take any chances.


	54. In Only Seven Days - Part 1

Roger's POV

"I'm telling you Freddie...that bitch isn't going to win this game...she's come up against the wrong opponent!" I exclaimed to him as we waited for our food from the waitress. Deacy, Freddie and I were seated at a table in the cafe that was connected to the hotel we are staying at. Brian got a phone call from Chrissie announcing her safe return to London. I played innocent and told Brian I would let him take her call and head on down to breakfast. He nodded to me as he listened to her on the phone and I left his room to meet the others. I was actually grateful for the chance to speak to them privately despite the fact it was Chrissie on the phone.

"Well Deacy he was right about her all along..." Freddie remarked to our bassist. We both recalled Deacy's suggestion that Chrissie was innocent until proven guilty when we first left for the tour. By her own accord, Chrissie confessed to Jo and we all know now my suspicions were dead on.

"Alright! So we know that we are dealing with a homewrecker!" Deacy replied and I took great comfort in his choice of words. That's what she is after all. It was quite satisfying to see my friends on my side in this fight. Both were showing outrage in their expressions and tone.

"Which is why I am going at this full guns blazing gentleman!" I remarked to them both. "So any suggestions as to how I make sure I win this match?" I watched them both as they seemed to mull over ideas in their heads. I checked my watch and found 20 minutes had elapsed since my leaving Brian's room. He could show up at any time. I felt anxious to get a response from them. "We're running out of time guys..." I told him with a hint of panic. Deacy nodded at me and smiled.

"Okay....I think we should consider what we know about her versus what we know about you...play it to your strengths..." Deacy suggested. It made sense but I needed some details.

"Sounds promising...what are my strengths?" I asked them both. For some reason Deacy's face seemed blank. I was instantly nervous but also a little offended. I scowled at him. "Oh come on! You can't think of anything off the top of your head?" I barked at him. I glanced at Freddie for some input. Freddie seemed lost as well but then a spark appeared in his eye and a devilish grin formed on his face.

"What's this time frame again?" he asked me to clarify my main strategy. 

"I hope to convince him in the next seven days....but to be safe...I'm bringing out the big weapon!" I reminded him. He nodded to me with that same grin and pulled a small notepad from his bag. He placed it on the table and took out a pen.

"Well...let's start with this..." Freddie began scribbling something on the notepad. His smile remained as he finished writing and then glanced up at me. He moved the notepad over to me to read. "I wrote them down in case Brian shows up.." he remarked. "You can add to the list if need be..." 

I couldn't help but smile at the suggestions he made. They were good. Deacy leaned up and over the table to see it. Deacy began smiling as well.

"Yeah...these are good Freddie...you left one important thing off though..." he remarked as he sat back down. I was curious what Deacy had in mind.

"Yeah? What's that? I asked him as I took the pen off the table to write down whatever Deacy was going to offer to me. Deacy smirked and got a gleam in his eye.

"Well I would assume that if Chrissie was an ice cream flavor, she would be vanilla...if you know what I mean..." he started and winked at me. I knew what he was referring to instantly. 

"You mean sexually?" I questioned. Deacy nodded and kept smirking at me. Freddie seemed to catch on to his thinking and resumed his devilish grin. He watched Deacy expectantly and put his chin in his hand as he rested his arm on the table. Ready to hear what he said next.

"Yeah....she doesn't look the sort who would be exciting in bed..." he explained. "I figure missionary position only and no blowies...don't you think?" Deacy asked both myself and Freddie. I was surprised at how candid Deacy was but welcomed his insight. 

"You're probably right.." I answered and Freddie seemed to agree by the expression on his face.

"So...just remind Brian why his sex life with you will always be better than anything she has to offer between the sheets!" Deacy replied. "You can certainly offer more flavor than she can....am I right?" Deacy remarked with a hint of tawdriness. Freddie giggled and looked over at me.

"He's right Rog...you need to spice things up a bit!" Freddie suggested. He looked over my head and I turned and noticed Brian walking in to the café. "Show him all your flavors dear..." Deacy chuckled at Freddie's comments.

"You know it's like that American ice cream shop, Baskin Robbins...32 flavors.." Deacy quipped to me as he giggled at us both with a wide smile. Brian walked up and looked at Deacy's amused demeanor. 

"Are you talking about ice cream?" Brian asked him and I felt a faint heat across my face as Freddie and I shared a knowing look. Deacy remained amused but innocent looking as he stared back at Brian.

"Yeah....hey Brian? You like vanilla best or another flavor?" Deacy asked him right in front of us. I had to work to maintain a straight face. Brian's face lit up as he answered our cheeky bassist.

"Vanilla's alright...but I really like a flavor with some nuts in it..." Brian responded. Freddie almost spewed his drink of tea across the table and it took everything within my power not to burst out laughing. Somehow Deacy remained stoic but smiled sweetly at Brian. Brian now seemed distracted by Freddie's loose hold on his drink and his senses.

"Alright Fred?" Brian asked him with legitimate concern. Freddie coughed a bit after he swallowed his drink and then smiled thinly at Brian. 

"I'm fine...something caught in my throat..." Freddie told him to explain his exasperated reaction. Brian's brow furrowed in uncertainty but then softened. He then glanced at me.

"I need the toilet...can you order me some pancakes and fruit?" Brian asked me politely. I nodded and smiled warmly at him.

"Sure thing...." I replied and he walked off towards the loo. Freddie's face remained red and I managed to stifle a giggle.

"Well nuts are something you bring to the game that Chrissie certainly can't!" Freddie joked to me and burst out laughing. I thought I could maintain control of myself until Deacy lowered his eyelids and then shouted to Brian.

"Hey Bri....you want some nuts on those pancakes?"

\--Day 1--

26th February 1976 - Saint Louis Mo

Roger's POV

I took one of Freddie's suggestions and started my campaign. It was a good place to start. Simple. Effective. We finished our show in Saint Louis and walked the corridor to the dressing room. We were all bundled in our robes and rubbing towels over our sweaty faces and heads. I stayed close to Brian and made sure he noticed me as Deacy and Freddie trailed behind us. We exchanged soft smiles as we arrived at the dressing room door. The security guard let us in and we dumped our towels and I went straight for a cup of water. I quickly downed one and then walked one over to Brian as I worked on a second cup. He took the water from me and stood and sipped the water as we continued soft glances. I had him watching me. That's what I wanted. I pulled off my robe and began removing my sweat drenched shirt. I did it purposefully and slowly and noticed Brian watching me intently. Freddie and Deacy came in to the room and immediately noticed my performance. They remained talking but in low whispers. I was grateful they weren't going to distract Brian.

I had my shirt off and stood at the mirror and looked over my torso. I ran my hand slowly up and down my chest and then rested it on my tummy. I gently pressed in to my softness and carefully glanced in my reflection in the mirror and found Brian watching me as he continued to sip his glass of water. I didn't let on that I knew he was watching. I could see darkness in his eyes and he rolled his bottom lip into his mouth as I pressed my hand into my stomach. He then licked his lips. Yeah....I had him! He is a sucker for my tummy and I know it.

"I'm going to get cleaned up..." I announced casually and walked over to my dressing area and grabbed a small bag to take in the shower with me. I went ahead and slowly pulled off my damp trousers. I purposefully let my briefs slip down my bottom and exposed my heart tattoo as I pulled my trousers off and then casually pulled them up again as I reached for my robe and slipped it on.

"I'll get a shower as well..." Brian suddenly informed everyone as I opened the shower room door. I grinned broadly to myself as I stepped inside and went to a stall. I got the water started and grabbed some towels from a shelf. I slipped my robe off and peeled my briefs down my legs. I stepped in to the warm water and sighed heavily as it engulfed my body. I heard the shower room door open and purposely sighed again. Wanting to make sure he heard me.

"Ahhhh...this water feels so good.." I purred to Brian and made a splashing sound in the water. I heard him turn on another shower head and felt my stomach drop a bit. I had hoped he would come right in to my shower with me. I reached for my bag to get my shampoo and soap out. An idea occurred to me.

"Fuck! I can't find my soap!" I whined as I tucked my bar of soap in the bottom of my bag. "Shit!" I cursed out loud. I heard his shower turn off and then felt my shower curtain move and turned to see Brian standing there naked holding a bar of soap. His face held an alluring smile and I returned it to him. I walked towards him and reached out for the soap. His smile turned wicked and his eyes grew dark again.

"What do you say?" he teased me. I grinned at his taunt and lowered my eyelashes at him.

"Please?" I said to him demurely. I kept my eyes hooded and my lashes low. I could see him swallow hard and he moved in to the shower stall towards me.

"I'm pretty dirty....want to clean me up?" I said to him with lust in my voice. He pushed me against the shower wall and kissed me; pressing his free hand into the soft part of my stomach.

"Yeah...you are pretty dirty..." he replied as he raised his eyebrows at me. I smiled and leaned in for another kiss as Brian lathered up the soap and began washing my body.

\-------------------------

\--Day 2--

27th February 1976 - En route to Indianapolis IN

Brian's POV

I woke up from a nap on the tour bus and instantly smiled at the memory of last night. I pressed my face against the pillow and curled into the blanket as I thought about Roger blowing me in the shower after the show. I could still feel his hands pressed on my hip and thigh as he moved his beautiful warm mouth up and down on me. The tightness of his lips and his cheeks hollowed out. I could feel his silky wet hair clutched in my fingers and brushing at my stomach as I held onto his head and moaned sinfully as he made me cum. Between the erotic expression on his face and the spray of the water against his tone body I felt like I could get hard all over again. I remembered pulling him up from him knees on the shower floor and kissing him deeply. Tasting myself on his tongue and pressing him into my body as I bit his bottom lip.

"Fuck Rog....you are almost too much..." I recalled whispering in his ear as he leaned into me. His husky laugh sent shivers down my spine and he moved my mouth back towards his.

"I think you can handle me.." he reminded me and pressed those perfect lips of his to mine. We somehow managed to get around to actually cleaning up and it was bliss to cradle him in my arms in bed last night. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face as I slowly got up from the bunk. I folded the blanket up and laid it on the pillow. I stood up and stretched a bit and then went to the toilet. I came up after drying my hands and walked down the aisle towards the seating. Roger was playing a game of cards with Deacy and Freddie was writing something in a notebook. He looked completely focused so I let him be and took the empty seat next to Deacy. 

"Want in when we finish this round?" Deacy asked me as he laid out some cards. They were playing Happy Families. I instantly grinned at the childhood memories the game invoked inside me.

I instantly grinned at the childhood memories the game invoked inside me 

"Nah....who's winning?" I asked them as Roger laid out a card. He rolled his eyes at me. 

"Deacy...of course..." he replied. Deacy formed a smug grin as he fanned his cards in his hand and eyed the table. I was thirsty and rolled out of my seat and went to the mini refrigerator and opened it up. I was surprised to find a small bottle of grapefruit juice. I didn't buy it but it sounded delicious.

"Who got the grapefruit juice?" I asked the others. Roger beamed at me.

"I picked that up for you when we stopped for petrol..." he informed me. I could have kissed him right then. I grabbed the bottle and pulled the cap off and returned to my seat and smiled at him as I sat down.

"Thanks Rog...you're the best.." I told him. He shared a warm smile with me.

"That's what husbands are for..." he remarked to me and returned his gaze to his cards. He was right. That is what good spouses do for each other. It's the little things. I watched him play cards for a few minutes and thought about how good things had been for us recently. I had some concerns about reconciling with him but they had faded. We were getting along and seemed focused on positives in our lives. I was stable on my medication and sleeping most nights. Life was better than it had been at the start of the tour. I took a large drink of the tart cold liquid and savored it as it went down my throat. It tasted perfect. I was thankful for his thoughtfulness and pulled myself off the chair and went over to him. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his head.

"Thanks babe..." I told him sincerely. He leaned up to look at me and I kissed the tip of his nose. He giggled at me but gave me his incredible smile. I felt the warmth of it in my chest.

"Where's my kiss?" Deacy quipped to me. I laughed and walked over and kissed the top of his head. He and Roger both giggled at me as I sat down and sighed happily watching them play.

"You may not be winning yet...but you're playing the game well.." I heard Deacy remark to Roger. They shared an odd look between them and then Roger glanced at me.

"Well...I have some tricks up my sleeve...don't you worry Deaks.." Roger told him back as he eyed me.

"I'm confident you'll have a Happy Family..." Deacy replied. I found their conversation strange but decided to ignore it and reached over and grabbed my bag from the floor. I opened it up to find my book and pulled it out.

"I plan on it..." Roger responded. Their conversation had become a bit bizarre but I was going to focus on my book. I opened it to the page with my bookmark and was surprised to find a polaroid photo stuck inside. I picked it up and turned it over and my jaw dropped at the image of Roger laying in bed naked. He was on his stomach and was posed playfully with his knees bent and legs up in the air. He was positioned so I could see his heart tattoo on his bottom and he was blowing me a kiss.

Roger's POV

I noticed Brian taking his book out of his bag and kept my face still as I covertly watched him open his book up. Deacy gently kicked me under the table to tell me he was aware of what Brian was doing. We avoided smirking at each other. The look on Brian's face when he picked up the polaroid and saw my picture was priceless. His huge eyes immediately shot over to mine. I just smiled casually and winked and returned my gaze to the cards in front of me. Mission accomplished! Thanks Freddie!

Brian's POV

I looked over at Roger after seeing the photo and found him watching me. I couldn't imagine the look on my face. I was feeling a mixture of shock, surprise, delight and well, a stirring in my crotch! He smiled at me and winked which made my cock stir more and he just put his eyes back on his cards like this moment never happened. I didn't even know what to do or say. I was just bowled over by his little gift to me. I lingered on the photo for a minute as my imagination considered a little scenario involving him laid out like this for me and smiled widely. I then slipped the photo in the zipper compartment of my bag and tried to focus on my book; which at this point was problematic.

"Good book Bri?" Roger suddenly asked me. From the way he was looking at me I knew he wasn't inquiring about the chapter I was reading. He was asking about my impression of his picture. I looked into those gorgeous blue orbs which were bright in the sunlight coming through the picture window on the bus and retained my smile.

"It's quite compelling...I look forward to reading it in bed tonight.." I replied and we exchanged a knowing look between us.

\------------------------------ 

\--Day 3--

28th February 1976 - Leaving Indianapolis IN \ en route to Madison WI

Brian's POV

"That was David on the phone....we've hit #29 on the charts!" Freddie exclaimed as he took his seat on the bus. He seemed pleased yet dissatisfied at the same time.

"Well....we keep going up in the charts...that's better than dropping!" I remarked to him; hoping I could help him see the positive in the news. He gave me a fake Cheshire cat grin.

"How long does it bloody well take to get to #1 in this country?" he asked me in a clipped tone. I wasn't sure what to tell him. I simply shrugged.

"Freddie...it's a much bigger country and there's a lot more competition here than at home..." Deacy rationally pointed out to him. It was a good response. "You have to sell a lot more copies to make it.." 

"Deacy's right Fred..." I agreed. Freddie still seemed annoyed as the bus pulled away from our hotel parking lot. I noticed Roger yawning as he picked up his cup of coffee and sipped on it. He looked a little tired but smiled at me when he saw me looking at him. I know we haven't had as much sleep lately. Our tour schedule has been pretty tight with no night off in the past several days and lots of travel time on the bus. It also seems like what little free time we've had has been spent fooling around. I'm not complaining at all. It's like we are making up for lost time and it's been really good. Quite hot actually. But I am tired and I'm sure Rog is as well. We were soon on the interstate for our short trip to Madison Wisconsin. It was a pretty cold morning and we were all grateful for some fresh coffee and a hot breakfast at the hotel. I was full on a bowl of oatmeal and berries and it only made my sleepiness worse. The repetitive roll of the bus on the highway didn't help either. I eyed the bunks in back of the bus and felt the pull of sleep calling me.

"I'm going to catch a nap..." I announced as Deacy turned on the radio and began adjusting the dial to find a station. 

"Sweet dreams...." Freddie commented to me as I stood and walked to the back of the bus. I stopped and brushed my hand across Roger's arm as I walked by. He reached out and we touched fingers as I walked past him. I warm feeling ran through my body as I made contact with him. I let go as I went to the bunk and grabbed a blanket and pillow from the little cubby hole. My long legs barely fit on the bunks so I tended to lay on my side and bend my knees a bit. I managed to get comfortable and brought the blanket up over me. I closed my eyes and wished I was a little warmer. The heater on the bus was okay but it was quite cold out today. 

I could hear the radio playing and quiet talk from the guys as I drifted off to sleep. I don't know how long I was out before I had my dream. The image came into focus and my heart was pounding as the water rapidly rose around me and I could see Roger standing on one end of the bridge holding Tiger Lily and I saw Chrissie at the other end holding her hand out to me. At the last minute I tried to move towards Roger and the baby but it was too late. The rising water pushed me over the edge and I fell into the abyss. I felt a wave of panic and shouted 'no' as I seemed to be engulfed in nothingness.

I bolted up in bed and felt someone grab me as I almost hit my head on the top of the bunk. Roger was there and he held me by my upper arms as I fought to breathe. I was breathing but it was rapid and shallow. I couldn't seem to get oxygen and my heart was racing in my chest. I was shaking all over and tried to grab Roger's shirt to cling to him. There were tears in my eyes and they ran down my face as I seemed to lose control.

"Bri...you were dreaming....you're awake now! You're okay..." Roger told me in a soothing timber and let me grab on to him and hold him. He wrapped his arms around me and when I opened my eyes I found Freddie and Deacy standing in the aisle looking at me. A little further behind them was Peter. They all looked incredibly worried. It didn't help me to have them staring at me. My breath caught and I felt like I might hyperventilate. "Breathe babe...try and take a deeper breath.." Roger whispered to me as he began slowly running his arm up and down my back. I tried to nod to him that I understood and worked to take a better, slower breath. My lungs felt like fire and I gasped and felt a little panicked that I couldn't seem to calm down.

"Can't....." I gasped out to him in a frightened voice and clung to him more. I thought I might pass out as I was feeling light headed and still shaking all over.

"Deaks....get my bag!" I heard Roger yell out as he held me to him. "Freddie...get some water..." I closed my eyes and really tried to find a way to relax and breathe. I fought the sensation of wanting to black out and gripped Roger's shirt in my fingers and pressed my face into his chest. His body heat and scent were comforting and the feel of him against me was grounding. I could faintly hear footsteps.

"There's a bottle of pills in that zipper compartment....get it out..." I heard Roger order to Deacy. I could hear the sound of the zipper and the rattle of the plastic pill filled bottle and felt Roger pulling me away from him. I didn't like the space between us and fought to stay attached to his chest; his comforting warmth. "Hey...I need you to take this....it will help you calm down..." Roger told me gently as let go of me and took the bottle from Deacy. He opened it up and emptied two pills into his hand. I saw Freddie lean towards me with a cup of water. 

"What...what is it?" I managed to squeak out the words to him as he took the cup from Freddie.

"They're from Dr. Roberts....not Dr. Fischer..okay? It's just to help you calm down.." he replied to me and leaned in to me. "Go ahead and take it and then I'll lay down with you...alright?" he suggested. The thought of him holding me again felt reassuring so I nodded and held my hand out to take the pills from him. My breathing was still too rapid and I needed something to help me relax or I felt like I would pass out or give myself a heart attack. He placed the pills in my hand and I tried to take a calmer breath so I could swallow the pills. I could see Roger watching me struggle and his face held a troubled expression. "Let out a deep breath if you can and then let's try to swallow the pills.." he suggested. I worked to take a better breath and felt my chest clench as I blew the air back out. I quickly popped the pills in my mouth and put the cup to my lips. I took a few sips and it hurt a little to get the pills down as my tightened throat worked against me. I drank a little more to help and finally got them swallowed. Roger ran his hand gently over my shoulder.

"You get them down?" he asked me. I nodded to him and he took the cup from me and handed it back to Freddie. "Let's just lean back for a bit and try to relax okay?" Roger said to me and he scooted back in the bunk and leaned against the wall on his back and pulled me to move up next to him. I clumsily scooted myself back and closed my eyes and fell into his arms as he held me close to him. Someone laid the blanket over us. Being held by him and being wrapped together in the warm blanket was already making a difference. "He's good guys...thanks..." I heard Roger tell the others. Roger pulled his arm up and ran his fingers over my cheek and then cleared my hair away from my eyes and mouth. I could feel the callouses on his fingers but his touch was so gentle it seemed like silk. It was soothing and I felt a better grip on my breathing.

"You already sound a bit better...that's good..." he whispered to me. I found his voice calming in this moment. So familiar and confident. So sure everything would be alright. I nodded agreement to him about my breathing and tried to smile for him. My heart and chest filled with something entirely different and incredibly soothing when Roger began softly singing to me.

There are places I remember..

All my life....though some have changed..

Some forever...not for better...some have gone and some remain..

All those places have their moments....with lovers and friends...I still can recall..

Some are dead and some are living....in my life...I've loved them all..

But of all these friends and lovers...there is no one compares with you...

And these memories lose their meaning...when I think of love as something new..

Though I know I'll never lose affection...for people and things that went before...

I know I'll often stop and think about them...

In my life....I love you more...

In my life....I love you more...

\-------------

In the wake of Roger's sweet lullaby to me I somehow fell asleep. I only woke up when he gently shook me to let me know we had arrived at the hotel. I found I was still in his arms and it felt like home. I was so grateful for his love and care of me. He knew exactly what to do to help me.

"Thanks Roggie..." I told him quietly. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. 

"Let's go get checked in and call Tiger Lily..." Roger suggested to me with a warm smile. I immediately smiled at the idea.

"Yeah...let's go call home..."

\------------------------

Roger's POV

"I'm going to run down to the lobby...I need some cigarettes.." I told Brian as I grabbed my wallet and room key. He was sitting at the room table writing out some postcards.

"Could you get me some gum?" he asked me. I nodded to him; happy to get him whatever he wants.

"Sure..." I responded and left the room. I went downstairs and was surprised to see Freddie as I walked towards the gift shop. He was leaving the front desk with a large envelope. It was a boon to see him right now. I had hoped to be alone with him later tonight but this worked out well.

"What have you got there?" I asked him as he pulled the package open. He waived me over.

"It's a package from John Reid....I believe there is something in here for each of us!" he remarked to me as he pulled out several envelopes. He looked them over as I watched him and his eyes lit up as he pulled two from the stack. "Here are yours and Brian's..." he told me. I took the envelopes from him and slipped them in my jacket pocket.

"What are they?" I asked him. He smiled widely at me.

"Royalties darling! Financial reports......I believe they are nothing but good news..." he announced brightly.

"I like these kind of envelopes..." I told him as he followed me towards the gift shop. I found a spot to linger at with no people around and stopped. "So are we still on for you taking some more pictures of me with your polaroid?" I asked him. He got a confident look on his face.

"Of course! I even had an idea for a photo he will absolutely treasure!" he informed me. I was instantly curious what his idea was.

"Well...what is it?" I asked him. He looked smug as he leaned in to tell me.

"Let's just say it will be a presentation of things he loves to play with..." he hinted. I could see he wanted to surprise me.

"Fine! I see you want it to be a surprise...what clothes should I wear?" I asked. He shook his head at me.

"No clothes required....your birthday suit will be perfect!" he responded. "Now...speaking of clothes...I'm about done with your outfit for Fort Wayne...." he informed me. I was delighted and jumped a little.

"Brilliant Freddie!" I told him and tried to contain my excitement. Besides the biggest weapon in my arsenal, this little outfit was definitely the winner.

"Rog....can I ask you how you managed to get Brian to have a panic attack so you could comfort him? I'm not trying to judge your strategy dear, but wasn't this a bit extreme?" Freddie asked me gently. I didn't realize he thought I had somehow triggered an attack in Brian. It wasn't true.

"Freddie....I didn't plan anything...it just happened!" I explained to him. His face lost its hint of judgement and became subdued. 

"So...he really does have these dreams sometimes and they upset him that much?" he asked me with complete seriousness. I nodded to him with a solemn face.

"He's had bad dreams for years....but they only recently caused him to have these episodes.." I told him. "Dr. Roberts had a prescription filled and Chrissie got it to keep on hand to calm him down when it happens.." Freddie's face filled with concern.

"Well what do you think changed? Why are the dreams causing him so much trouble now?" he wondered. I knew the answer and was surprised he couldn't see it. I guess it's not in Freddie's daily mindset like it is mine now. Like it is in Brian's. Even Deacy's.

"Tiger Lily is what changed everything..." I answered. Recognition dawned on his face and I nodded to him.

"Roger dear....do you think having a child with Brian is the best thing for him emotionally? For the baby?" he bluntly asked me. I didn't hesitate in my answer.

"I wouldn't change a thing Freddie...you know why?" I asked him back. He looked lost for an answer. "Because Brian is at his best when he is with her and he has made me be a better parent for it..." I told him truthfully. "She makes him so happy...and no one loves her more than Brian...except maybe me..." I added. "But I'm probably a close second..." I laughed lightly at my own realization of this fact.

"So dealing with his emotional problems is worth it?" he asked me after considering what I had told him. 

"I would rather have a sensitive and melancholy Brian than no Brian at all.." I said to him with complete conviction. "I've almost lost him three times now Freddie....I won't lose him this time either.." I promised him. Freddie's expression softened and he smiled warmly at me. He ran his hand up my arm.

"Well...let's make sure all your plans are in order..." he told me and we walked in to the gift shop with renewed purpose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little note - The card game Happy Families is a British card game that is similar to the American card game - Go Fish!


	55. In Only Seven Days - Part 2

\--Day 4--

29th February 1976 - Fort Wayne IN

Brian's POV

"What is there to do in Fort Wayne? Anyone know?" Everyone, including myself shrugged. Freddie rolled his eyes at us all. "Well...you're all worthless!" he playfully whined to us and I smiled at his irreverence. "Maybe I'll try to find a club or something..." Freddie pondered as we sat in the dressing room and finished up our hair and makeup for the show. Roger was pulling on his shoes and I saw him exchange an amused look with Freddie. I wondered what they had been up to earlier today. They were both acting secretive on the bus ride into town and Roger had disappeared with Freddie for a while after we arrived at the hotel. I believe that Freddie was the one who took the photograph of Roger that he slipped in my book. I wasn't sure how I felt about him cavorting naked in front of Freddie but my mild jealousy was over-ridden by the pleasure I received from his naughty photo.

I'm not sure what has got into Roger lately. It must be his happiness at our reconciling. He has been incredibly attentive and affectionate. He is generally a thoughtful and caring person but it has been in overdrive lately. I won't complain. I like the care and comfort he has shown me. Especially when I had that nightmare. Roger was really there for me and wasn't embarrassed by my episode that I unfortunately had in front of the others. It reminded me of the way Chrissie was when she was caring for me. I guess the added benefit now is that it's from the one I really love. My thoughts lingered on Chrissie for a moment. On our last phone conversation. She had called to tell me she arrived home safely. We spent a few minutes with her telling me about her journey home but she quickly moved on to the subject of making plans for the future. She was enrolling in a program to train to be a midwife. She also mentioned what future we might have together. I was thrilled she was taking a chance in life and going back to school to do something she always wanted to but was never brave enough to take on. I had a lot of mixed feelings about her offer to me. I was so flattered that she feels the way she does about me. She is a wonderful and warm person and I care about her. But I'm not in love with her. I'm not even sure I love her as a friend. I mean love her as a friend like I love Freddie or Deacy as a friend. It's odd when I considered that the only women I really have in my life are my Mother, Roger's Mother, Clare and Tiger Lily. I don't really have any female friends. I was friendly with a few girls before Roger and I got together but the distance between us and our old flat mates widened quickly when we moved out. It was partly our different lives, but also the fact that we couldn't tell them about us. We trusted that information to Freddie. Well, he caught us together so I guess that's the reason he knew though I'm sure we would have told him eventually.

Chrissie's offer loomed in my head. So much of what she said made sense to me. I understand her point that I am buying trouble for myself by choosing to be with Roger. Everything about us being together is complicated and can be quite stressful. But Chrissie isn't there to see the moments we have together. Those quiet times when we are alone or just around those few close people who share our private world with us. Mostly, it is our time where we are absolutely alone and it's me laughing at his humor or his sheer joy of life. Loving his gentleness and his easy going manner when we share a lazy morning or afternoon in bed and listen to music and talk about everything or nothing at all. His passion for what he loves in the world and his passion for me. For us. It's unbridled and beautiful. Amazingly, there is a part of me that loves his anger. His fierce loyalty to those he loves and his willingness to go the distance for what he believes in. He is more often braver than me. I envy his confidence and audacity. His immense qualities. I sometimes feel I am a better person because I am with him. He makes me be courageous and bold. It's certainly benefited me in my career. I wouldn't be the performer I am without him at my side. Holding the rhythm together for me and keeping me on course. Through rock and a roll and through life.

"We're walking in ten..." John Harris announced to us from the doorway of the dressing room. I realized I had drifted off in my head and turned to focus on finishing my makeup. Freddie was checking his clothes in the mirror and Deacy was walking in to the loo. I glanced at Roger in the mirror and saw him fastening his large coin necklace around his neck. He grasped his smaller Japanese coin necklace in his hand and seemed to smile to himself as he rubbed his finger along the engraving. It made me happy to watch his tender moment. See him cherish our love token. I suddenly wished I had my necklace again and my hand crept to the empty spot on my neck. I sighed quietly at the multitude of thoughts swirling in my head and turned back to wipe my hands with a damp cloth and stood up from my chair. We were all moving into place by the door and Roger went to get in front of me. I stopped him and turned him and kissed him gently. He seemed surprised at my actions. The area outside our dressing room door was teaming with strangers who could have popped in at any moment. I didn't care. My need to connect with him was undeniable.

"Save the tongue play for after the show boys.." Freddie remarked in a cocky manner to us and I turned to see a charmed grin on his face.

"Fuck off Fred! It was a chaste kiss..." I replied back with my own brash tone. He laughed at me as we lined up and Deacy came out of the bathroom to join us. Ratty popped his head in the doorway.

"Ready?" he asked us. We all nodded and he opened the door for us to head out. We walked the distance to the edge of the stage and Rich brought me Red as Deacy donned his bass. I slipped my strap over my head and positioned her in front of me. Roger walked over and slipped behind the curtain with Crystal to get seated on the drums.

"Do you mind if I take Roger out with me tonight? I'm bored and want to listen to some music and dance. I asked him to go to a club with me....don't worry...no drugs and no funny business...he was worried what you might think but I told him you trust him, right?" Freddie inquired. Roger had not been out with Freddie in ages and I know being cooped up in buses, hotel rooms and backstage dressing areas was becoming a bit claustrophobic for them both. I do know Roger won't screw things up at this point. I smiled gladly at his news.

"It's alright Fred....go have fun....within reason..." I warned him with a gentle laugh behind my caution. Ratty waived to Freddie so it was time for him to get situated. I walked up to prepare to go on and took a deep breath. My pulse was already racing in a good way. I smiled as I prepared to give it my all.

\----------------------

"I'm just going to clean up at the hotel..." I told Roger as we headed towards the dressing room. I know he is anxious to head out with Freddie and I wanted to show my trust in him. "Have fun and I'll see you later.." I told him as pulled off my robe and quickly changed into some street clothes. Roger was getting ready for the shower and walked over to me as he wrapped his robe around him.

"See you later...thanks for tonight..." he told me. It was just the band and some roadies who know about us in the room so I quickly leaned down and kissed Roger. He smiled against my mouth as we parted. "That will make me get home safe and on time..." he told me as I grabbed my coat. I laughed at his remark as he slipped into the shower room. I gathered my things and bid the others goodbye and went to the backstage door. I was let out and signed a few autographs before getting into the car. I considered a nice hot bath when I got to my room and was glad the ride was short to the hotel. I quickly dropped my things on the bed and went straight for the bathroom to start filling the tub.

I lingered in the bathtub until the water began to cool. I climbed out and wrapped a robe around me as I drained the tub. I turned on the television but found there was nothing on due to the late hour. Since Roger had gone out I decided to do some reading. I was pulling out my pajamas when the phone rang. It made me a little anxious to get a call at this hour but hurriedly answered.

"Hello?"

It's me...I want you to do something for me..". I was relieved it was Roger and he sounded okay.

"Sure...what is it?"

"I'm sending someone to your room who is a huge fan and she wants a night with you..". Roger informed me. My eyes grew wide and I immediately wondered if he was on drugs.

"What the fuck Roger! Are you high?" I asked him with incredulity.

"I'm not high or drunk...I swear!" He replied emphatically. "I just want you to promise me you'll answer your door when this girl knocks in a minute. Okay?" I couldn't believe what he was asking. Doing. I will answer the door but I'm not sleeping with her. This is ridiculous!

"I'll answer my door and I'll sign an autograph and say hello but that's it! I can't believe you even think I want someone else Rog!" I declared to him. He laughed a little which annoyed me.

"Trust me Bri...when you see her you might change your mind.." he told me.

"I highly doubt it...why did you do this to me?....ugh! It's late Rog...let's just get this over with!" I huffed at him. I hung the phone up and growled in frustration. What is he thinking? When have I ever shown any interest in someone else? Was this some conciliatory gesture on his part about his cheating? I have no interest in evening out the score with him. I hurriedly slipped on my pajamas and tied my robe in a conservative manner. I checked my hair in the mirror and tried to fluff it out when the knock on the door interrupted me. I sighed heavily and walked to the door. I peeked through the peephole and could only make out a blonde girl with long hair. It was done up in pig tails and her face was lowered so I couldn't see it. I groaned to myself and silently cursed Roger as I opened the door and found a smile for my fan.

My face erupted in a huge grin and I fought the desire to burst out laughing when the person in front of me looked up. The girl is Roger! He was dressed up as a female groupie and I have to admit he looked amazing. I scanned him from head to toe as he gazed at me with a fake awe on his face. He was wearing his pink tennis shoes and stockings and his legs were quite alluring as they disappeared under a short flowy black skirt. He had on a girl's Queen t shirt we sold at our concerts and it looked a bit small on him but the bottom was cut off and his tummy was on display. He somehow had breasts and I wondered how he had managed it as I gazed up at his makeup job. It's quite impressive! It has to be Freddie's work! His eye makeup was dramatic and his eyes lined with black pencil and heavy mascara showed off his gorgeous baby blues. His mouth was perfectly adorned with a dark pink lipstick.

"Oh wow! It's really you! Oh Brian! I'm such a fan!" He gushed at me in a feminine voice. I wanted to laugh in his face but he was being completely serious and was in character. He had made a lot of effort. I'm not sure why he is doing this but decided to humor him. I smiled at him and he winked at me.

"Thanks! That's really nice! What's your name?" I asked in a sincere tone. Roger giggled at me and fanned his eyelashes. He twisted and bent his knees a little and played with the flare in his skirt. He was pretty good a mimicking teenage girl behavior.

"My name is Meadow .." he purred to me and held out his hand. I saw his nails were painted pink to match his lipstick. I grinned widely as I took his hand and shook it.

"It's lovely to meet you Meadow.." I still wanted to laugh but it was kind of cute and charming that he was doing this. I guess he wanted to role play. We haven't done something like this in a long time. It certainly breaks up the monotony of the road.

"Roger said I could get your autograph and we can have a picture together!"

"Well...if Roger said so of course I will....why don't you come inside? I answered as I opened the door wider to let him, well her, enter. Meadow came bouncing into the room. I chuckled as I closed the door. Meadow stared at the room with an open mouth and then turned to look at me.

"I've never been in a rock star's room before...it's really cool!" I had to admit that he was putting on quite the performance.

"Yeah...I'd prefer a suite..."I said with a touch of snobbery. "But this will do..." I stood in the center of the room as Meadow walked up to me. She was holding out a black felt tip pen.

"Could you sign right here?" Meadow asked me and pulled her t-shirt off to reveal her fake breasts in a really nice pink lace bra. Despite the obvious fact they weren't real, the overall effect was appealing.

"Sure.." I took the pen from her and pulled off the cap and then wrapped my arm around her side to hold her in place. "Now... be still while I sign.." I said in a parental like manner. Meadow giggled as I placed the pen on her upper chest. I grinned devilishly at her and leaned down to sign my name. Meadow giggled slightly but I managed to sign across her upper chest onto her shoulder. I put a little 'x' and a little 'o' next to my name.

"Hang on!" I told her when she went to stand straight again. I leaned down a little more and kissed in between Meadow's fake tits. "Sealed with a kiss!" I exclaimed as I raised back up and winked at her.

"Such a flirt!" Meadow cooed to me. She tried to look down at my autograph and sighed at me.

"I can't see it very well...can you take a picture for me?" she asked in a sweet tone. She opened her bag and pulled out Freddie's polaroid camera. "We can use this!" she exclaimed and held it out for me.

"Alright..." I walked over and took the camera from her. Meadow leaned into my side as I got it set up to use. I could smell women's perfume on him and it was actually pretty nice. "Okay...let's get a picture..." I told her and turned to face her. She leaned forward provocatively to show me her fake breasts and I smirked a little. It was so damn cute how much he was into this. "Ohhh...that's a nice angle..." I remarked in a sexy manner and quickly took a picture. The film began spitting out of the front of the camera so I grabbed it and sat it on the bed. "Hey Meadow...do you mind if I get a picture of you for to keep for myself?" I asked in a semi innocent fashion. Meadow smiled widely at me and walked closer.

"I'd love it! So how would you like me?" she asked as she went to the bed and sat down. She pulled her sneakers off and then leaned back on her elbows so her skirt slid up her thighs. I almost gasped when I saw Meadow was wearing thigh high stockings. Fuck! Now this is a nice surprise!

"Ummm...maybe pull your skirt up a little more?" I asked Meadow sweetly. She smiled and reached for the hem of her skirt and pulled it up to where I could see the garter and also the satin finish of her matching pink panties. My cock immediately hardened at the sight.

"Is that high enough?" Meadow asked me in an innocent tone. I suddenly felt like I was in a cheap porno film but didn't mind it. It was pretty hot! I nodded an affirmative and took a photo of Meadow in her provocative pose and ignored looking at the picture when it released. I tossed it on the bed. I'd look at it later. "Brian....my favorite thing in the whole world is to watch you play guitar. You are just so talented with your hands..." Meadow remarked to me as she remained lounged back resting on her elbows and staring at me with heavy eyes and a pouted mouth.

"Thank you Meadow....I have been told my hands are magical..." I bragged to her. She raised her eyebrows at me.

"What else can they do besides play guitar?" she asked me with a finger pressed to her lips. I grinned at her and sat the camera down on the table by the bed.

"If you'd like...I can show you..." I suggested in a sultry voice. Meadow donned a naughty expression and then spread her legs.

"My...aren't you friendly!" I commented to her as a sat on the bed and ran my hand up her stocking covered leg. It was silky soft and I realized Rog had even shaved his legs. Shit! He was dedicated to this. I moved my hand all the way to the top of the stocking and snapped the edge lightly.

"I've never been with a real man before...just been felt up by silly boys at school...". Meadow informed me as I caressed her thigh and enjoyed the silky feeling.

"Did those boys know how to properly satisfy you Meadow?" I said in adult tone.

"What do you mean?" Meadow had a perfectly clueless look on her face.

"If you don't know then they didn't do their job right...here....let me demonstrate...". I slipped my hand under the skirt and felt the satin fabric of the panties. God...it's nice! I could feel he was already erect and the panties tented up in the middle. Feeling him through that soft material made my own underwear form a tent. Meadow's eyes grew wide.

"Oh....that feels nice....". Meadow told me and began to grind into my hand. I slipped my hand inside the panties and stroked his cock. "Oh Brian! You are good with your hands!" Meadow cooed at me. I smiled and leaned towards her face.

"May I kiss you Meadow?" She smiled at me and nodded and pulled her finger away from her lips.

"Yes please..." she whispered to me. I loved Roger's breathy voice and leaned in and gave her a soft kiss as my hand kept working in her panties. Meadow threw her arms around my neck and proceeded to wrap her legs around my chest and slammed her mouth into mine. 

"Mmmmpphh..." I couldn't say anything because Meadow had me in a headlock and slipped her tongue in my mouth. She pressed me down on top of her.

"Make love to me Brian May! I want to go all the way!" she moaned at me. I wanted to laugh but part of me was really getting into this game. It was fun to pretend and think of the next sexy thing or innuendo to say to Roger's character.

"Okay Meadow...but only because you're my number one fan!" I declared and Roger almost laughed at my theatrics. "Just promise me you'll buy our next single.." I told her as I began kissing her aggressively and pressed my hardened clothed cock against Meadow's thigh. We seemed to skip some of the verbal exchanges as we both engaged in some heavy snogging. My hand kept stroking Roger's cock and I moved it down to slip between his cheeks. I was delightfully surprised to find he had a plug inside him. I tapped on the flat end that laid against his hole. Meadow stopped kissing me and pulled away shyly.

"Careful there Brian...that's my cherry.." Meadow cooed to me. I found his choice of words hilarious and smirked. 

"Would you like me to pop your cherry Meadow?" I asked in a tender voice. Meadow batted her eyelashes and nodded to me. 

"Yes please..." she whispered to me. "But be gentle..." she asked. I smiled warmly at her.

"I'll do my best.." I replied and pulled my hand out of her panties and left her for a moment to reach inside the night stand drawer. I found Roger's bag and fished around it in for the lube. I also saw a condom and grabbed it as well. I kneeled between Meadow legs as she smiled at me and I held up the items I got from the drawer.

"What do you need that for?" Roger broke character and whined to me about the condom. I gave him an admonishing look.

"Well Meadow...you said you're a virgin so I assume you aren't on birth control...I don't want you to get pregnant..." I explained; trying to stay in the game and reminding him he was pretending to be a girl. Roger rolled his eyes at me and then I could see him shift back into character.

"I forgot to tell you...I don't have a uterus so I can't get pregnant..." she explained to me. Now it was my turn to roll my eyes.." 

"Yeah...that's what all the girls I've slept with try to tell me....it's not going to work this time!" I responded. Roger grunted at me.

"How about you do me in the rear instead? You can't get me pregnant that way!" Meadow suddenly told me with strong conviction. I laughed a bit at Roger's quick improvisation and tossed the condom on the floor.

"Alright...but you better not give me a disease.." I joked purposefully and Roger glared at me and then flipped me off. The fact that I could make a joke about what had been a painful reality a few months back told me I was in a better place. Roger and I were in a better place. I laughed again and started unbuttoning my pajama top. "Okay Meadow...I'm going to take my clothes off now.." I explained in a soft voice. Meadow laid back and started playing with her hair; twirling it around her finger and watching me. When I got my shirt off she cooed at me. She lifted one of her legs up and ran her stocking covered foot across my thigh. I put my fingers on the waistband of my pajama bottoms and my briefs and pulled them down. Her eyes grew large and her mouth dropped open.

"My my...Mr. May...what a big cock you have!" Meadow tittered at me. I picked up the lube and squeezed some out on my hand. I started covering my cock with it and stroked myself a few times.

"The better to fuck you with my dear..." I responded in kind and Meadow giggled at me. I tossed the lube aside and reached down to pull her skirt up. She gave me a shy look as I pushed it up her torso a bit and reached for the band of her panties. I gently tugged them down and she lifted her hips up to help me. I slowly slid them down her legs and she assisted in me pulling them past her feet. I took one of her legs and slowly ran my hand up her calf and on to her thigh. The feel of the stocking was delicious and I inhaled a deep breath and sighed as I spread her legs wide. It was amazing how hot Roger looked wearing this lingerie. He might need to hang on to this part of the costume. I grabbed Meadow by the hips and scooted her closer.

"Are you ready for me Meadow?" I asked her with a lusty sneer.

"Yes....please take my cherry Brian May..." I reached down and took hold of the flat handle on the plug. I slowly pulled it out. Meadow made a whimper at me and then sighed when it slipped all the way out. I set it aside and stroked my cock again as I looked down at her. 

"Here we go....try and relax..." I told her. I guided myself into Meadow and she made a sound of surprise.

"Oh!" she yelped out and then giggled at me. I slowly slid myself inside and Meadow's face started showing desire as I filled her up. "Fuck Bri...that feels good.." Roger broke character and moaned at me.

"I'm glad you like it Meadow.." I reminded Roger of his role in this and he tried to focus but his mouth hung open and his eyes were heavy looking. "I'm going to take it nice and slow since it's your first time.." I explained. I planned on torturing Rog a bit with a really slow fuck. I moved at a snail's place and watched Meadow squirm.

"Oh Brian...that feels so good...you can go faster if you want.." Meadow told me in a sultry voice. I grinned and shook my head.

"I don't want to hurt you...." I replied in a caring manner. Meadow shot me a dirty look but I just grinned at her and maintained my pace. "Nice and slow..." I teased.

Meadow got fed up and wrapped her legs around my waist and shoved me forward. I laughed as Roger scowled at me. "C'mon Brian...I'm feeling good...can we get this going?" Meadow prompted to me as she began to take matters into her own hands and moved back and forth against me with purpose. I stopped completely and Meadow shouted at me. "Hey!" I tried to stifle outright laugher. "Just fuck me already!" Roger barked at me in his regular deeper voice. I burst out laughing and he pulled himself up on his elbows and tried to take a swipe at me.

"Oh alright!" I groaned at him and shoved him back down. He snickered and tried to get back in character. I grinned devilishly at him and grabbed his hips. "You want it? You got it!" I announced and began to rapidly pick up the pace. This felt much better to me and I quickly got into the friction and the tightness of it all. I gasped out loud as I felt a wave of intense euphoria crash over me. "Fuck!" I groaned as I relished the feeling go through me. I leaned over Meadow and began fervently kissing her as I began pounding into her. "Fuck Meadow...you're so tight!" I shouted out. I reached up to cup one of her fake boobs and it went flat with the pressure of my hand. I slid my hand up under the bra past the stuffing and pinched her nipple.

"Shit! This is hot!" Roger suddenly shouted back and I grabbed onto one of his pigtails and pulled on it as I pumped into him. "Oh! Fuck me!" Meadow grunted at me in a deep voice. I was loving this and was completely in the moment. I grabbed Meadow's legs and pulled them up to get as far inside her as I could. Wanting it deeper and faster. I kept at it and knew I was headed towards my climax. I was breathing hard as I let go of one of Meadow's legs and took hold of her cock. Well, his cock. I stroked him in time with my thrusts. Meadow was a whining mess in front of me. Her face was sweaty and scrunched up and her mouth hung open. Her back was arching up off the bed.

"C'mon Meadow! Cum for me!" I whispered in a breathless voice. I was sweating and grunting at this point. Meadow suddenly clenched around my cock and cried out.

"I'm coming!" she cried and she practically spasmed in front of me with her entire body as she unloaded all over her skirt and stomach. "Fuck!" she cried out and pulled me towards her with the leg she had half around my back. I bucked forward and felt my own orgasm take hold. 

"Whoah!" I managed to moan out as I tried to spread my knees on the mattress as I grabbed on to her hips and closed my eyes and came inside her. I was a little light headed at how hard and fast it hit me. I braced my hands down on the mattress at her sides to keep me from collapsing on top of Meadow. "Ahhh.." I sighed out as I started coming down from my high. I opened my eyes and looked down at Meadow's face. Her hair was in disarray and the pigtail I had tugged on was loose and splayed out. There was lipstick smudged near her mouth and she was breathing hard. But I have to admit, she looked so fucking good. My Roggie made quite the little groupie!

"I think I love you Meadow....will you marry me?" I sighed out as a joke once we both started breathing easier. He made a gushing sound at me and smiled in an amused manner.

"I really like you Brian...but I think I might be in love with the drummer..." she teased back. I pulled out and scoffed at her.

"You don't want him...." I informed her as I slid off the bed and walked to the bathroom. I turned the water on to wet a cloth to clean us up. "I heard he can't get it up..." I gossiped back. 

"Fuck you!" Roger yelled and picked up a pillow and threw it at me as I came in the room. I laughed and jumped onto the bed and grabbed his arms and pressed them down above his head. He started laughing as I leaned down and pressed kisses to his face. Well, her face.

"I love you Roggie..." I told him sweetly and kissed his lips. "You are the craziest, most passionate person in the whole world and I wouldn't want you any other way.." I confessed to him. He smiled widely at me and pecked my lips. I moved back and began cleaning Rog up as we exchanged blissful expressions. "Do you think Meadow could see me on every tour?" I asked sweetly as Roger began to climb off the bed. He turned and batted his eyelashes at me.

"I think that could be arranged..." he responded at he disappeared into the bathroom. I cleared the bed off and sighed contentedly as I grabbed the photos of Meadow and savored the images. I laughed at how ridiculous her fake breasts looked.

"Hey Rog....you looked amazing but those tits need work.." I told him as I slid in under the covers, ready for sleep to drag me under. I could hear him laughing in the other room as my body and my eyes felt heavy and I slipped into sleep.

Roger's POV

I finished undressing and cleaning up in the bathroom and found the bedroom had gone silent. I walked back in and saw that Brian had already fallen asleep. I smiled at how peaceful and relaxed he looked. He almost had a smile on his face. I felt like I might have put it there and smiled to myself as I quietly went to my adjoining room and closed the connecting door. I pulled on my robe and shivered a bit as I went to the bed and sat down. I pulled the blanket over me and picked up the telephone. I checked the time and dialed the phone number.

"Hello.."

"Clare...it's me.." I said to her quietly. "How are you? How is Tigs?"

"I'm good. She's great. We are all set..." she replied. I smiled at the news and laid back against the pillows on the bed. "John Reid's person called me about an hour ago and the car is arranged to pick us up."

"Perfect!" I responded. "Clare...I know it's a lot to ask but thank you so much for doing this.." I told her sincerely.

"Rog...I'm excited! I've never been on an airplane before and for my first flight to take me to America is just amazing!" I was happy to provide some adventure in her life but going on a long plane journey with a baby seemed like a lot to manage.

"I wish I could be on the flight with you..." I told her honestly. I would love to see her reaction to the plane taking off and then landing in a whole other country. For Tiger Lily to have her first plane trip as well. I would miss my chance.

"I'm all grown up Rog...I can manage just fine.." she assured me. "I'm taking Tigs to the doctor today to make sure she is fit for travel and then we are good to go.." 

"Alright...I can't wait to see you both...I miss you.." I remarked as I thought about holding my baby in my arms again. "Brian is going to be so surprised!" 

"So he has no idea we are coming?" Clare asked me and I heard Tigs talking in the background. It made my heart swell to hear her voice.

"Not a clue!" I responded and Clare laughed in the phone.

"If anything will convince him to drop the idea of going with Chrissie...seeing Tiger Lily will..." Clare assured me. "I mean you should be enough..." she argued to me.

"I know Clare...I can say he seems pretty happy with me right now.." I remarked without wanting to give any details. "But Tiger Lily will seal the deal so to speak..." I told her. I yawned and knew I needed to get to bed. "Hey...I need to go...I need some sleep before we head out in the morning..." I told Clare and pulled the blanket off of me.

"Okay....I guess I will see you in California!" she answered with excitement in her voice.

"I'll be at the airport.....love you Clare...and kiss my girl for me.." I added. I hung up the phone and sighed a satisfied sound as I slid off the bed and walked to the adjoining door. I opened it and quietly went in to join Brian in bed. I got under the covers and moved over to get close to him. I laid my head on his arm and put my hand on his chest as he laid flat on his back. He stirred a bit and I felt his other arm reach over to hold mine.

"Love you...." I whispered as I closed my eyes and fantasized about the look on his face when he finds out I brought Tiger Lily for a visit. I know he loves me and I feel pretty confident we are solid right now, but my biggest weapon is a 19 month old bundle of joy. And this is war!


	56. In Only Seven Days - Part 3

\--Day 5--

1 March 1976

Fort Wayne IN

Roger's POV

It was heaven to sleep in. We didn't have an early bus ride today so we didn't have to check out of our rooms until 11. Brian and I lingered in bed and watched the American morning television show 'Good Morning America.' They were talking about the Grammy Awards show that had aired the night before and we both groaned as we learned Captain and Tennille won the Record of The Year for their song 'Love Will Keep Us Together.' The sentiment of the song was nice enough but it was a bit saccharine for my taste. It was a shame 'Killer Queen' or 'Now I'm Here' wasn't nominated. Or even our album, 'Sheer Heart Attack.' It was too late in the year for 'Bohemian Rhapsody' to be considered. Maybe next year we would win a Grammy.

"You know The Beatles didn't win as many Grammy's as you think they would have...maybe we shouldn't put too much stock in them.." Brian remarked about getting a Grammy to me as we sat up nestled in the combined pillows from both our beds. I checked the clock to see when our breakfast might arrive. I had ordered room service and was getting pretty hungry.

"Well...I bet we get some awards for Bohemian..." I replied to him. "Freddie already has an Ivor Novello award for it." Brian nodded agreement as he yawned and snuggled into my side. He closed his eyes and looked content. It felt gratifying to know he was happy and satisfied these days. My strategy seemed to be working. I ran my hand up his arm and savored how warm he was from being under the blankets. I tried to listen to the national news stories but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Room service.." they announced after knocking.

"That would be breakfast.." I told Brian softly and slid off the bed as he grabbed my robe to answer the door. I used the toilet and washed up as Brian signed for the food and tipped the waiter. I came out to find him pouring us some hot tea from the tea pot and he smiled as I came over to take a seat. I pulled the lid from the plate and inhaled the fragrance of my bacon, eggs and toast. American bacon was different from home but was pretty good. I watched Brian spread some jam on his toast and he took a bite of his omelet.

"Not bad for the Midwest..." Brian remarked to me as he sampled his food. He tore a piece off on his fork and held it out to me. I leaned over the table and took the bite from him. It was pretty tasty. Better than some other hotel food we had encountered this tour.

"Pretty good.." I agreed as I got some fried potatoes on my fork and ate them. We were both fairly silent as we ate together. The sun was beginning to show through the small opening in the curtains of the room. It promised a warmer day. Brian seemed to grow contemplative as he finished his breakfast. I could see the wheels spinning in his head and wondered what was on his mind. "Something on your mind?" I finally asked him and he glanced up at me. He smiled wanly and shifted in his chair.

"To be honest...I was thinking about Chrissie.." he confessed to me. I felt a surge of anxiety in my stomach and lost the remainder of my appetite. I tried to act like I wasn't upset.

"Oh really....what about her?" I asked him in a casual manner. I watched him carefully and prayed he wasn't going to drop a bombshell on me and tell me he was taking her up on her offer. It seemed unlikely but I tried to keep a positive thought as I waited for him to explain. Brian looked apprehensive and it made my nerves fray a bit.

"I want to tell you something..." he started and I instantly felt myself stop breathing. His tone felt ominous. "You were right about Chrissie..." he told me outright. Okay! This is it! Shit!

"Right about what?" I said to him trying to restrain my growing fear. I was clenching the cloth napkin in my lap in my fist.

"That she has feelings for me.." he informed me. "She told me that after I asked her if she did...after she had touched my face one day and I thought about what you said about her always touching me...." he explained. I was trying to gauge from his face where this headed but couldn't find an answer.

"And do you have feelings for her?" I blurted out. I had to know and couldn't wait for him to decide what to say. I need to know! To my amazement he shook his head.

"I don't Rog...I mean I was really flattered that she liked me and thinks I am this great person and all but I really don't have any romantic feelings for her..." he clarified to me. I exhaled and tried not to smile a big stupid grin at him. He seemed to know this was good news for me to hear and he did grin at me as he took a drink of his tea. He placed his cup down and laughed lightly. He then looked at me. "What's crazy about the whole confession was that she told me that she was offering me a life with her if I was interested...she would marry me and provide me with a normal life and a stable home.." he suddenly realized the words he had spoken and looked at me with dismay. "Those were her words Rog...not mine!" he quickly clarified to me.

"Oh? So she doesn't think we are normal and we're unstable, eh?" I broached to him. He shrugged at me but maintained a smile.

"She told me she has no qualms about us being together....about two men being in love...she just wanted me to know that she felt this life brought added stress to me and that with my emotional problems a different life outside of the band might benefit me..." he explained to me. I could see the words she had chosen to use to justify to Brian why she was better suited for him. I know at a glance it made sense, but she was not taking into consideration that he doesn't love her and a relationship with her would be hollow as a result. That in itself would be stressful. An empty marriage.

"I guess she didn't consider that a loveless marriage wouldn't be satisfying.." I remarked to him. "I get why she can try to state that you being with me is risky and fraught with things that do make you anxious and distressed. I get it. But she doesn't really see us in our day to day lives Bri....she doesn't see that most of our time is spent living in a way this mirrors most normal marriages.." I argued to him. Brian chuckled at me and I felt a little annoyed at his response.

"Well I wouldn't call touring the world in a rock band a normal life...but you are right...our day to day existence together is actually more traditional than she realizes.." he replied to me. I calmed down at his agreement of my words.

"Yeah! We have a home and a real life together..." I passionately stated. "We even have a bloody kid!" I pointed out. Brian nodded agreement as he smiled at my argument to her viewpoint. He began to chuckle again.

"Rog...calm down! I'm not interested in her offer..." Brian reminded me. I let out a sigh of relief and gave him a calmer expression. Feeling relieved that this topic was out in the open and he didn't want her. I stood up from the table and walked over to him. He turned in his chair and held out his arms to me and pulled me into his lap. I eagerly let myself be held in his arms and leaned towards his face for a gentle kiss.

"She can never love you the way I do..." I said to him gently as our foreheads touched. Brian nodded and smiled at me.

"It's true.....and I only want you Roggie..." he murmured to me as we kissed sweetly. The telephone in my room rang so I got out of his lap and went to my own room to answer it.

"Hello..."

"It's me ...what are you doing right now?" Deacy asked.

"Just finished breakfast...what's up?"

"Everyone is restless to do something...so we've decided to go see a movie before we leave town.." he informed me. "Do you and Brian want to go?" he asked me.

"Hang on..." I answered. "Hey Bri!" I shouted and a few moments later he appeared in my doorway, leaning in the frame.

"Yeah?"

"Everyone is going to see a film....want to go?" I asked him.

"Sure..." he replied.

"We're in..." I told Deacy.

"Okay...be in the lobby in an hour..." he told me. "You need to pack up though and check out of your room.." he added.

"Alright...see you downstairs.." I replied and hung up the phone. I turned to Brian.

"We have to pack and checkout first and we meet downstairs in an hour.." I explained. He nodded and disappeared into his room.

"I guess we better get around then..."

Brian's POV

I didn't think that a plot to a science fiction film would have me pondering my life choices and my future, but seeing this film really made me think. After some passionate arguing about what film to see, we all decided on the new science fiction film, Logan's Run. I was intrigued by the story line and love any film in this genre so it got my vote. We all piled into the cinema on a cold and frosty morning and Gerry Stickells bought tickets for the 18 of us that went. A roadie called Nudger, because his first name was Brian, Ratty and myself all juggled the boxes of popcorn and Rog, Deacy, Peter and Freddie carried the drinks to the theater. We all got settled in the empty cinema and spread out to enjoy the show. I took a seat by Rog of course and we shared some popcorn and a box of M&M's. The film started and we were quickly drawn into a futuristic world where you had a perfect existence full of self indulgence and earthly pleasures but you were only allowed to live to age 30 and then had to die voluntarily in a spectacle known as Carousel. It was a dramatic telling of two people who escaped this world and fled to the outer realm to seek a life beyond all that and beyond age 30.

When the film finished we all headed back to the bus so we could get on the road for the 5-6 hour drive to Milwaukee. Everyone riding on the main tour bus got situated and we were soon on the highway heading north. A game of scrabble got organized and I was pulled in to play a round. I found myself distracted as we played. Considering what a short life the people in the film had. How short life can sometimes be and what is really important.

"Your turn Bri..." Freddie announced and I pulled myself out of my head and glanced at my tiles. I scanned the board and found a place I could spell out the word - passe. I laid my tiles down and noted Deacy's frown at my word choice.

"What?" I asked him as he pondered my entry in the game. He shrugged and then smirked at me. "Do you need me to use it in a sentence?" I remarked to him with some annoyance in my tone. He smirked again at me.

"I'll use it..." he replied. "Living past 30 is passe...." he announced and Roger chuckled at his commentary on my word.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked him and Roger gave me a sharp look at the tone I used with Deacy.

"Well...if we were living in the time of the movie we just saw....your life would soon be over now wouldn't it?" Deacy posed to me with a gleam of playfulness in his eyes.

"Excuse me?" Freddie shot back before I could answer. "I'm the one turning 30 this year..." Freddie reminded us and his expression went sour. "To think I would only have 6 months left!" Freddie declared and shuddered dramatically.

"What would you do Freddie?" Deacy asked him seriously. "If you knew you had 6 months to live.." Freddie's face changed to show sincere thought. He took a moment to consider his question then smiled devilishly at us.

"Lots of champagne and a whole lot of sex I guess..." he informed us. Deacy giggled and I rolled my eyes at him.

"That's it? You would spend it all just fucking your time away?" I questioned to him. He beamed gleefully at me.

"Well I'd die with a smile on my face now wouldn't I?" he retorted. Roger snorted and we all laughed at his reply. I noticed Roger giving me the same inquisitive look Deacy had for Freddie a moment before.

"What would you do Bri...if you knew you only had until 30..." he asked me. My mind immediately went to the thoughts that had filled my head when we left the cinema. I would be 30 next year. No long for this world. Two things came to mind. One I had no problem voicing one idea in front of them all. The other felt more private.

"Write as many songs as I could manage...be as creative as possible.." I confessed to them. Freddie seemed disappointed in my answer.

"I think that is a given dear...but what about personally...what would you want on a personal level?" he questioned. I didn't want to talk about this with them right now. I didn't want to lie either. I decided to change the subject instead.

"It's your turn Deacy.." I reminded him and waited for him to go. They all remained still and watched me for a response. Deacy finally huffed a bit and perused his tiles. He grabbed a few and laid out his word - able. He used the 'a' from my word. He counted his score up.

"That's 7 points.." he informed Roger, who was keeping score, and then looked back at me. "So Brian - what would you do personally if you could only live to 30?" he asked again. I could see none of them were going to let this go. I let out an exasperated breath and decided to just say it.

"I'd probably spend it with Rog.." I confessed and they all had heart eyes in their expressions.

"Awwww.." Freddie cooed to me and leaned over and bumped Roger's shoulder. Roger actually looked a little bashful at my statement. I had to tell the whole story though. I like to be honest with my friends. With Rog as well.

"I'd spend it with Rog and Tigs and well...I'd have another child..." I mentioned casually. They all seemed surprised at my statement and Roger turned to look at me with some curiosity.

"And how would you manage that?" he asked me and I could see a touch of unease in his eyes. I wasn't sure if it was the fact I wanted to have a child of my own or who I might have it with that bothered him.

"I don't know Rog....I'm just being honest when asked the question..." I responded. He really seemed agitated by it but didn't say anything.. After a minute he returned his focus to the board and picked up some tiles on his holder. He laid them out and spelled his word - lung.

"It's 11 points..." he mumbled as he wrote down his own score. His mood had changed. I could feel it sitting next to him. Freddie was taking his turn but I observed Roger as he made scratches with the pen he was using to keep score against the notepad. Something had upset him. It was obvious. He became physically restless and jabbed the pen at the notepad a few times before Freddie laid down his word.

"Larder.." Freddie announced with a satisfied smile on his face. "That's 28 points with the bonus..." he told Roger. I saw Roger jot down the score and then pick up the pen and pad and hand it to Deacy.

"I'm out...." he announced and stood up from the table. "Finish without me..." he added as he avoided looking at me and headed for the back of the bus. We all watched him go and I could see that the others were wondering why he suddenly lost interest in the game. I had an idea it was to do with me mentioning a baby.

"What was that all about?" Deacy asked as he positioned the notepad next to him and motioned for me to take my turn. I glanced at my tiles and found a word to spell. I laid them out on the board and spelled - gram.

"I think Rog isn't happy with me wanting another child..." I said to them casually. "That's 8 points.." I informed Deacy. He nodded and wrote the score down but then looked at me with interest.

"Well...regardless of how Roger feels...how would you even go about doing that? Having another baby?" he questioned. My immediate thought was the offer Chrissie had made me. While I had no interest in a relationship with her, the offer of her having a child with me remained present in my mind. I had no idea how that would work if we weren't together but I couldn't ignore the fact that I really wanted to do this. I don't know if Roger had connected the fact that Chrissie is a candidate for that or if the thought of me having this level of connection to any women was unacceptable. I wasn't going to discuss it with him while he is upset. It could wait for him to cool down and for us to have some privacy.

"I don't know....it is just something I want in the future.." I acknowledged to them. "I would have to figure that part out...it's obviously a complicated matter.." I pointed out. Deacy nodded understanding and I could see that Freddie might know more than he was letting on about Roger's state of mind based on his expression.

"Let's pause the game...." Freddie suggested and stood up from the table. He eyed me thoughtfully as he walked towards Rog's direction. I was grateful for his intervention.

Roger's POV

I know exactly who Brian has in mind when he mentioned having a child of his own and my heart sank. It seemed like my victory this morning with him revealing Chrissie's feelings and her offer was moot. He had assured me he had no interest in a relationship but apparently he wasn't opposed to having a child with her. I do not want him connected to her in any way. Having a child with her, even if that child came to live solely with us, was unacceptable to me. If she wasn't in love with him I might feel differently, but the fact remains that she is. I can't risk him being involved with her in that way. He could either develop feelings for her or she would be a constant interloper in our lives. No! I won't have it! I sat on the bunk and tried to calm down from the mix of fear and fury that was blooming inside me. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one; hoping to quell my anger. I took a few drags from it and closed my eyes; wondering why Tiger Lily wasn't enough. Why I wasn't enough.

"Rog...are you okay?" Freddie asked me quietly as he walked up to me. I opened my eyes and looked at his face. I could see his concern for me and felt heartened to have a supportive friend right now. Especially one who knows what is really going on. I shook my head as I inhaled my cigarette. I blew out the smoke and glanced towards Brian's direction. Seeing only his back to me.

"He told me this morning about Chrissie...well he told me about her having feelings and her offer for a relationship.." I explained to him. He sat down next to me on the bunk to listen. "He didn't mention her offer of having a baby though.." I clarified to him in a soft voice. I didn't want Brian hearing our conversation even though a part of me wanted to scream right now.

"And did he tell you his own feelings about her offer?" he asked me as he leaned close to me to keep our exchange low in volume.

"He did yeah....he told me he wasn't interested in her....doesn't have any feelings for her.." I replied. Freddie looked hopeful and smiled at me.

"Well if that's the case why are you so upset about him wanting another child?" he asked me. "I'm not sure Brian meant that he wanted one today and that he wanted it with her..." he told me. It was true but it was the fact that he left out the information about her offer of a child this morning that was bothering me. I know Brian and I could see this specific offer meaning a lot to him.

"You may be right about the timing but I am pretty sure Chrissie is his candidate for the job..." I responded. I got up from the bunk and walked to the ashtray that was housed by the toilet door and smashed out my cigarette in it. I turned back to Freddie. "Who else could provide that kind of service or duty to him....to us?"

"Maybe he was referring to adoption..." Freddie suggested and I laughed and shook my head.

"Be real Freddie...no one is going to give us a baby...." I reminded him. He registered understanding of my words and nodded to me.

"I guess that is true dear..." he agreed and suddenly his face brightened up. "Why can't you get your pal Jo to do the honors?" he asked me. I really laughed at him now.

"That would a be giant no!" I answered. "Jo doesn't have any interest in having kids...she already told me this when we talked one day.." I revealed to him. "She's content with the single life and no real attachments..." I clarified to him. "It's one of the things I like about her..."

"Maybe she has a charitable friend?" he queried to me. I tried to imagine how Jo would broach the subject with a girlfriend about her two gay friends wanting to have a child and was their womb available to rent. No. Not something I would ask of her.

"I highly doubt it and I wouldn't ask that of her anyway...it's a bit personal..." I answered. "Bear in mind Fred that if we did actually have another child the woman involved would need to be someone who would willingly give us the child and who would keep our identity confidential.." I knew this was probably an impossibility. "I can't imagine a woman who would so readily bear a child and walk away from it.." I pointed out. Freddie seemed pensive for a moment and then gave me a sympathetic look.

"Maybe we could find some nice impoverished lesbian somewhere who would gladly hand over the baby for a nice cash incentive..." he offered to me. "She wouldn't have feelings for Brian..." he assured me. I laughed at his idea.

"When you find her...let me know.." I joked back and he leaned into me as he giggled at his own idea.

"You can't do anything about this on the bus right now and as a matter of fact neither can Brian...so come back and finish the game..." he challenged to me. "You could win and get back at him that way..." he pointed out to me. He was right. Stewing about this in the back of the bus wasn't going to change anything right now. I sighed and stood up as Freddie beamed at me and joined me in the walk back to the table.

"Who's turn is it?" I asked as I resumed my seat next to Brian. We quickly exchanged a look of uncertainty between us but I put my focus on the game. He and I would have to talk about this at the hotel tonight. I didn't look forward to it.

\--------------------------

We arrived in Milwaukee and got checked in to our hotel. I was amazed at the place and we all felt like we had entered true luxury. Peter informed us that their travel agent had a special deal with the hotel and arranged for us to get free upgrades for our rooms. Well the band members did. The main crew was staying in basic rooms. Since Brian and I had reconciled and his caregiver was gone, Peter had asked that our three individual rooms be traded for a suite since the price would actually be cheaper. We didn't complain. Despite the tension we had on the bus ride in we would share a room. Even though we needed to talk about this issue between us, I wasn't planning on sleeping alone. I'd had enough of that. When we walked in our suite Brian and I gasped. It had a separate sitting room from the bedroom and a large picture window. We were on the 25th floor so the view across the frozen lake was quiet and serene. The king size bed looked really comfortable and the bathroom was out of this world. There was a walk in glass shower but the best part was a giant bathtub. There was room for two.

"Thank you Peter..." I said out loud as our luggage was brought in the room by our roadie. I was grateful a bellman wasn't doing it because there was one bed in this place and two men sleeping here. Vick unloaded our stuff with a smile. He knows and he has no problem with us. 

"Enjoy...this is really nice.." he commented as he left. I smiled as I pulled off my coat and walked in to check out the bathroom. We don't have a show tonight and we already had dinner so it was time for rest and relaxation. I turned the water on for the tub and walked back in to peel off my clothes.

"You're not wasting any time are you?" Brian remarked as he unzipped his suitcase. I smiled widely at him as I dumped my clothes on the floor and walked to the bath naked. The room already was steamy as I checked the water level and found some bath products on the edge of the tub. I dumped some powdered bubble bath in and it immediately foamed up. It smelled lovely and I stepped inside the tub and slowly sat down as I adjusted to the temperature. I got seated and savored the hot water and scented bubbles floating around me. After the ride on the bus, this made me feel loose and relaxed. Brian came walking in to the bathroom and only had on a robe. "Am I invited in or are you still upset?" he asked me pointedly as he lingered by the wall.

"I'm still upset but I want you in the tub..." I replied. He undid his robe and left it on a hook and walked over to get in with me. I shuffled around to accommodate him and he sat in the opposite end facing me. We spent a few quiet minutes soaking and enjoying the heat and moisture. My mind had returned to our earlier discussion regarding a baby and I couldn't contain the knowledge I had any longer. I didn't want to play a game of 'will he tell me or won't he.' I am too tired for it.

"I know about Chrissie's offer to have a baby.." I blurted out to him. His relaxed state in the water shifted and he practically kicked me with surprise.

"How?" Brian asked me in a state of shock and bewilderment. I could see the embarrassment on his face. The guilt at my knowing his dirty little secret.

"She told Jo and Jo told me.." I answered. I saw him swallow hard. "She couldn't keep her mouth shut Bri....too excited about the prospect of being your wife....the mother of your children.." I explained to him in a steady voice. My anger at this had passed earlier today so could talk about this rationally and with civility.

"Rog....I told you I have no interest in her as a wife...in a relationship..." he responded with emphasis.

"You did...except you left out the part about her offer to have your baby for you..." I reminded him. "An important omission wouldn't you say?" I argued. He looked contrite and nodded to me. 

"I won't deny it..." he admitted. "Yes...she offered and I have thought about it..." I had rested my legs against his but suddenly didn't want the bodily contact with him. But I didn't want a fight either. I just wanted him to be honest and to try and understand.

"Isn't Tiger Lily enough?" I questioned to him. "Aren't I enough?" I added quietly and felt a bit vain asking this about myself. Brian sat up and reached over and put his hands on my legs. He looked so distressed.

"Please don't think this is about you not being enough because you both mean everything to me..." he told me with great intensity. He looked meaningfully into my eyes. His hazel orbs radiating sincerity and finally truthfulness. "I know my desire for a baby is rooted in the fact I was an only child..." he explained. "I never had a sibling and it was incredibly lonely at times...I wished so often to have a brother or sister to talk to...to share things with...to love..." I could see the pain this circumstance brought him in his face. I couldn't understand this because I have my sister. We are close and shared so much growing up. Something I guess I've taken for granted.

"I guess I can't imagine what that was like.." I said to him to show my understanding or at least a desire to. He nodded to me as he spoke.

"It's something I always wanted Rog...a child of my own....and for them to have a sibling..." he got a soft expression on his face and a tender smile appeared on his lips. "I want Tigs to have a brother or sister..." he said with passion. "I know they won't be blood related but it doesn't matter...they would both be ours.." I couldn't help but smile at his sweet intentions. I never considered this to be a motivating factor in his decision. I just thought it was about him having his own baby. Of his bloodline. I wanted this for him as well as Tiger Lily. It would make them both happy and if they are happy so am I.

"I see how important this is to you..." I answered. "If you want a child...that's okay with me...but I just ask that you not have it with Chrissie.." I asked of him. "Since she has feelings for you it would make things too complicated and she would never let us have the child for our own...she would always be in the picture...and I'm not comfortable with that.." I said it to him carefully; not wanting to start a fight but for him to see my willingness to work with him and that I did have my limits. His face brightened at my agreement to have a child and didn't seem too upset at my demand.

"It's probably for the best.." he finally remarked to me about Chrissie. "I think you are right...her feelings would make it problematic.." he agreed. I was glad he could see the light on this. Understand it wasn't the best plan.

"I know she made it seem like an easy way for you to have a child...I'm sorry....but we will find a way..." I assured him. "We can't be the first couple looking to have a child that is biologically their's...well..at least one of us..."

"I know you think everything with Kim was a huge mistake...but Rog...she did give you an amazing gift..." Brian reminded me. "Remember what Trevor and Wilkie told us at Christmas....so many couples in our shoes could never have what we have now.." Brian was right. I was doing better with the whole Kim factor in my life and could start to see only Tiger Lily and not what lay behind her birth.

"She is a gift Bri....a gift to us both..." I repeated and Brian beamed at me and then sighed a little.

"God I miss her..." he exclaimed as he reached over and grabbed me and prompted me to turn around in the tub to lay in his arms. I complied and stood up and turned and sat down between his legs. He wrapped his arms and legs around me and pulled me close. It was quite enjoyable and satisfying to have this issue out in the open and talked about. 

"I miss Tiger Lily too babe.." I told him as we both closed our eyes and Brian dreamed of seeing her in a few months and I smiled knowing he would actually see her in a few days.

\--Day 7--

4th March 1976

Saint Paul Minnesota-airport

Roger's POV

After learning Brian wasn't going to Chrissie after the tour and not having a baby with her, I felt like a king sitting on a triumphant throne after battle. We boarded the plane at the Saint Paul/Minneapolis airport bound for the west coast. We were abandoning the tour bus for the rest of our U.S. shows since they were in Southern California. The crew was driving with our equipment but since our first show in the Golden State wasn't for several days we looked forward to some time off and some sunshine. It was much needed after our winter trek through America. Only Brian was in the dark about the surprise visit of Tiger Lily and my sister. The others knew as I had required their help to pull it off. As we flew to Los Angeles I found myself sharing excited expressions with Freddie and Deacy. Brian was oblivious to it all as he read a book and took a nap. I kept checking my watch and prayed the connecting flight from New York to Los Angeles that carried my girls had left on time. They were traveling with John Reid and his entourage. Reid was meeting us in L.A. to discuss business, see us and Elton John and enjoy some warm weather. It worked out perfectly that Clare and Tigs could travel with them and enjoy first class arrangements and security. I was paying for their travel but my last financial statement showed this was completely affordable with my newfound wealth. I also knew Brian won't fuss at the cost once he has his baby in his arms.

"So are we waiting for John Reid to arrive before we go to the hotel?" Brian asked Peter as our flight began to descend into LAX airport. Peter glanced at me and then back to Brian.

"Yes. We have some cars waiting for our group and his flight is arriving about 20 minutes after ours...." Peter explained to him. "By the way...Reid has rented a house for us to stay in while we are here...no hotel this time.." he added. Brian looked pleased and smiled.

"I hope there's a pool..." Brian remarked and Peter nodded.

"Indoor and outdoor..." he replied. Brian beamed at the news. I know he loves to swim and I couldn't wait to watch him and Tigs in the pool together. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face at the thought.

"You seem happy about something.." Brian remarked to me as we prepared for landing. I kept my grin. 

"Just looking forward to relaxing with some of my favorite people.." I replied and winked at Brian. He smiled blissfully at my choice of words. If he only knew what I meant by my statement! Our plane landed and we all gathered our things and deplaned. My heart started pounding as we entered the terminal and casually made our way to the luggage claim. Our luggage was going to the house but we had time to kill so we all went to make sure all of our checked luggage was accounted for. We found all the pieces and it was promptly stacked and taken away to be delivered to our temporary quarters. Peter guided us to a reserved lounge to wait for Reid and his entourage. I lit a cigarette and checked my watch as Brian looked through a National Geographic magazine that was on the table in the waiting room. I tried to act nonchalant as the arrival time of their flight came and went. Peter had confirmed the flight was on time and left the room to check on it's actual arrival. He glanced my way as he walked out and I knew he was going to check and then signal me. I put out my cigarette and soon the door to the lounge opened and Peter signaled me and left. They are here! I stood up and stretched and turned to Brian; trying to keep it together. 

"Need the loo...I'll be back.." I told him casually as I popped a mint in my mouth and tried not to bolt out the lounge door. Even though my plan to reunite Brian with Tiger Lily was so he would be reminded of what he has with us and forego any offer from Chrissie, I had found that I really missed my girl and felt emotional as I followed Peter down the hallway. We soon saw some of Reid's associates and then I spotted Clare with a bigger baby than I remembered in a stroller coming down the walkway. She had already grown since I had last seen her.

"Tiger Lily!" I shouted and took off running towards them. Clare burst into a huge smile and sped up her walking as we quickly met in the middle of the concourse. I threw my arms around Clare first as it felt so good to see her.

"Bear!" I shouted and picked her up and twirled her in a circle as she gasped and laughed at my actions. "God! I've missed you!" Tigs caught our excitement and was clapping her hands together and bobbing up and own in her stroller seat. I released my sister from a hug and sat her back on her feet. I kissed her cheek and then bent down in front of my daughter. She had a radiant smile on her face and was babbling at me. She looks so much like me it always astounds me. I reached towards her with my hands and smiled at her.

"Remember Papa?" I asked her and she eagerly let me pull her from her seat and into my arms. I kissed her several times and laughed at her sheer happiness.

"Papa!" she repeated to me with an opened mouthed grin and love in her eyes. She felt warm and wonderful as I hugged her to me and my eyes dampened right away. I was overcome with the immense joy of her presence. Clare stood and watched as I snuggled Tigs close and remembered how wonderful it is to just hold her. "Papa..." Tigs said again and I pulled her back so I could see her. She didn't look too bad for a baby who had traveled thousands of miles in two days.

"Yes...it's me! Your papa!" I agreed and laughed at her as she waived her arms around and babbled at me. "Oh princess! You went and got bigger on me!" I remarked to her in a soft voice. She stared into my eyes and I melted. I know someone else who will melt when they see these eyes. "You want to see Brimi?" I asked her. Her face lit up and I could see she remembered him. I got a good grip on her and motioned for Clare to follow me. "Let's go see your Daddy baby girl..." I said to her gently as we began the walk to the lounge. Tigs became fidgety in my arms as we neared the door.

"She needs to do some running around...she sat too long on the plane.." Clare informed me. It gave me an idea. We reached the lounge door and thankfully Tigs wasn't being noisy. I turned to Clare and put Tigs down to stand next to her. She instantly was curious about her new freedom but I kept hold of her hands. 

"Hey...I'm going to walk in and tell Brian I just ran into someone he knows....so hang on a minute and then I'll open the door so she can walk in on her own..." I explained to Clare. She seemed to like my idea.

"Okay! He is going to cry! You know this.. right?" Clare said to me. I nodded agreement.

"I know...but it will be happy tears.." I reminded her and she smiled at me as I let her take Tiger Lily's hands and I let go and walked to the door. I turned back and smiled at them before I opened it carefully to block the view. My heart was thundering in my chest and the smile on my face wouldn't disappear. Brian would have the same smile in a minute. I peeked inside to see him still reading the magazine. 

"Hey Bri....I ran into someone you know...mind if they come in to see you?" I asked him as calmly as I could. I could see Freddie and Deacy's faces out of the corner of my eye and they were trying not to smile too widely or do anything to give it away. Brian laid his magazine down and looked benignly curious.

"Who is it?" he asked me in complete ignorance. I contained my smile.

"I'll just let you see..." I replied and turned around to see Clare let go of Tiger Lily's hands and I waived her towards me. "Come here..." I directed to her and she walked over on her now quite capable legs. I moved out of the way so she could come through the doorway but turned so I could see Brian's face when she came into view. "Say hi to Brimi...." I said to her quietly as she got in the doorway.

"Brimi!" she repeated as she came into view and saw him. She immediately became animated at the sight of him and Brian gasped and lunged off his chair towards her.

"Poppet!" he almost screamed with a huge wide eyed grin on his face. She startled a bit but quickly recovered as he swept her up in his long arms and she squealed in delight at him. He had her tightly wrapped in his grasp as he showered her face with kisses and burst into tears. She kept up her excited babble and called him by name as Brian stood in the middle of the room and I saw the world outside of them both disappear as he became lost in her smile and his own happiness.

I smiled and wiped a tear from my eye as Clare joined us in the room and was greeted by the crew who knew her. Freddie and Deacy came over to say hello but I stood and watched my happy reunion. In only seven days I had secured the future of my own happiness and that of my baby's. Well. Our baby. 

Life was good again.


	57. You Make My Life Worthwhile...With The Slightest Smile - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My keyboard does not contain the necessary keys to type in Spanish. Some of the words are missing the appropriate punctuation.

2nd March 1976

Los Angeles CA

Brian's POV

The rain pounding against the window woke me up. So much for sunny California. But I don't care. All feels right with the world. I opened my eyes and gazed down at the perfect little person sleeping next to me. Her blonde hair was nestled into the pillow and her serene face is calm. I couldn't help but smile at the joy I felt inside as I watched my two favorite people in the whole world slumber by my side. Tiger Lily had fallen asleep in our bed last night and we left her there. We both turned in early as well. Between a long day of travel and the excitement of being with Tiger Lily and Clare again, I was wiped out. I slept like a baby next to my baby. Both of my babies.

Roger was snoring softly and was on his side facing me and Tigs. His long lashes were floating against his face and I loved the opportunity to lay there and see how much they looked alike. Between the hair color and eyes there was enough, but the mouth and chin held similar aspects and she has a full face like he does. It is a lovely sight in front of me. I feel a serenity and peace right now that I don't want to ever lose. I wanted to berate myself mentally for even considering Chrissie's offers to me. I have so much right here, right now. I am grateful and happy. I am still in shock about the surprise appearance of Tigs and Clare at the airport. I truly had no idea they were coming. Apparently everyone knew but me. I was almost embarrassed at how I reacted when Tiger Lily toddled into the lounge but my heart exploded with joy to see her precious face and her lifeforce in my presence. It was almost too much to bear. It made me love Roger that much more for how considerate he is. I know her being with us will be a balm for my emotional woes. Nightmare be gone!

Tiger Lily started moving around and her eyes opened. I watched quietly as she became aware of her surroundings as she laid next to me. She turned her face and caught sight of me and her expression was just heavenly. Her radiant smile filled my heart.

"Good morning poppet...." I whispered to her as she rolled towards me. She began to giggle at me as I held her tiny hands and kissed her sweet face. I wanted to stop her giggles as I knew it would wake Roger. Before I could act I saw Roger's eyes open as well. He blinked a few times and then focused on us both with an easy grin.

"Morning babe..." he told me as he smiled at us. "Morning baby girl..." he cooed to Tiger Lily. She was looking back and forth at both of us with a silly grin and began babbling. I saw Roger look over at the clock and then he moved to sit up in bed. "Time for a fresh nappy.." he announced as he got out of bed and then reached down to pick up Tiger Lily. He sat her on a small couch in our large bedroom and pulled out everything he needed from her bag. I sat up in bed and proudly watched him expertly change her and clean her up as he softly spoke to her. He left her pajamas off of her and carried her back to bed just wearing her nappy. He sat her back in the middle of the bed again and then sat down on the bed next to us.

"I bet she was a bit overdue for a new nappy..." I remarked to him as Tigs crawled into his lap. Roger shook his head at me as he ran his hands through her hair.

"Actually...I changed her in the middle of the night..." he informed me. "I got up for a piss and decided to change her then...she felt wet..." I loved how caring he was with her these days and how he has fallen into doing things for her instinctually. Like he was combing through her hair right now without thinking about it. Fatherhood has finally sunk in.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked him as I got up from the bed and walked to our private bathroom. I left the door open as I relieved myself and washed up.

"I guess something outdoors might be off the list for now.." he answered as we both heard the rain continue outside. "There is an indoor pool here so we can always swim..." he remarked to me as I came back in the room. I walked over to my suitcase and opened it to find some clothes as well as my swim suit.

"First she needs some breakfast..." I told him as I pulled off my pajamas and slipped on a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt. Roger got up as well and set Tiger Lily on the floor to walk around as he got dressed. I went to find her something to wear and surveyed our room again. It was a sizable guest suite with a large bed and sitting area as well as a private bath. Luxurious and quite modern. We were staying at the house John Reid rented for us. House? Try mansion! It is enormous. The house is set in a canyon and made mostly of wood and the surroundings are natural and landscaped. It has an outdoor and indoor pool like Peter had promised. There is plenty of room for the band and a few guests. David Minns is here since he is doing work for the tour on behalf of Elektra records. He is sharing with Freddie of course. Ratty is at the house as he accompanied us on the flight and took care of Deacy and Freddie and some of our equipment we took on the plane with us. The Red Special being one of them. There is Roger and myself as well as Tiger Lily and Clare. Peter is here also but is staying in a small bungalow on the grounds. The living spaces in the house are large and great for communal living while we are here. There is even a maid. We were taken aback by her presence when we arrived but we were assured that she has worked for John Reid and his clients before and is known for her discretion. It eased our minds but it is still strange to have her here.

I got Tiger Lily dressed as Roger found his clothes. I walked over to him and we kissed each other good morning before we headed downstairs to get our girl fed. I knew Clare was sleeping in and we were both happy to give her a break from non-stop caregiving. We went down the wide wooden stairs and entered the kitchen. The maid is an immigrant from Mexico and knows English pretty well but I was happy to speak a few words of Spanish to her when we first met. She was delighted I knew some of her language.

"Buenos Dias Lucia..." I greeted her when I saw her at the sink washing some vegetables . She smiled at us.

"Buenos Dias Senor May..." she replied to me respectfully. She waived at Tiger Lily as Roger took her from me to put in the high chair. The mansion had all sorts of things guests might need, including baby items. We were thrilled to find a high chair, play pen and cot available for use. We had them set up the cot in the room next door to ours. Clare got her own room for the stay as we want her to have a rest. Last night we couldn't bear to put Tigs in bed alone so we kept her with us in our room. I opened up the refrigerator and found a bowl of cut up fruit. I pulled it out and Lucia walked over to me. "I can make breakfast..." she suggested to me. It felt odd to have her do this when I am perfectly capable and actually missed being able to do it.

"I can do it..." I replied and I could see she was a little offended by my response. I felt bad. "Unless you really want to cook for us.." I added and her face lit up. She nodded and motioned for me to step aside. I did and took the fruit and got a small plate for some as Lucia began pulling out ingredients to prepare a meal. I got situated at the table and fed some fruit to Tiger Lily. Roger poured us some coffee and we both sat and enjoyed our daughter while our breakfast was cooked to order.

\------------------------

Later that day

"Please tell me we can go to Disneyland..." Deacy whined to us as we played with Tigs in the pool. He was sitting on the edge in his swimsuit and dangling his feet in the water as he watched us. "We even have a kid to take with us..." he argued.

"She's not even old enough to really be aware of it all.." I pointed out but I knew we would have a hard time telling him no. It was something fun to do with Tiger Lily and even though she is a bit young for it we would probably go. "You know....last time we went...you were the baby.." I teased Deacy. He chuckled at my joke.

"Well I'll always be the baby in the band...won't I?" he replied in his sweet tender voice. He is right. I was distracted from our conversation by Tiger Lily screaming joyously at Roger. He was going under the water and then popping his head up at her and making goofy faces. She was completely captivated by his performance and squealed in a high pitched voice when he surfaced again.

"Rog....you are going to give everyone a headache..." I remarked to him as he and Tiger Lily both squealed together. The indoor pool room had quite the echo to it and their screams were bouncing all around with the acoustics. Roger stopped and laughed as he pulled Tigs around in her little floating ring. He brought her close to me and I pulled her out of the swim ring and held her in my arms. I pressed a kiss to her exposed belly in her little two piece swim suit. She giggled and squirmed at me. I laughed gently and hugged her close. Savoring every minute I get with her. I noticed Ratty come bounding in the room wearing a ridiculous flower print swimsuit.

"I have some news gents.." he announced as he went and took a seat next to Deacy. "John Reid is throwing a huge party!" he informed us. Deacy got an uneasy expression and I know it is because he doesn't like having to meet a whole bunch of new people. But I'm sure attendance is mandatory. Parties like this are business as much as pleasure from my experience.

"Who is really famous that is going to be there?" Roger asked him as he held Tig's swim ring. Ratty beamed at us all.

"We are!" he shouted and shoved Deacy in the pool. We all laughed as they play fought with each other after Deacy pulled him in as well. They calmed down after a bit of roughness and Deacy swam to get a blow up raft to float on as Ratty came over towards us. He leaned in to Roger's side and whispered something to him. I didn't hear but Roger's face lit up at the news. I saw him glance my way as Ratty swam to the deeper end of the pool. Roger walked closer to me as I held onto Tigs. His face held an eager expression. 

"What's made you so happy?" I asked him as he reached over and kissed her forehead. He leaned further in and pecked my lips. 

"I'm taking you on a date!"

\--That night--

"Are you sure about this?" I asked Lucia one more time as she held Tiger Lily in her arms and cooed at her. She nodded to me with a huge smile.

"I love babies and it would be a honor to care for your 'bebe..' " she assured me again. Tiger Lily had already taken to her and she seemed a natural with babies so I decided not to worry.

"You ready?" Roger asked me as he grabbed his jacket. I nodded despite my hesitation in leaving her. I turned to find everyone standing by the door watching me. "Let's go..." Roger told me. I walked over and kissed Tig's head one more time and then quickly took off for the door with the others. I felt guilty for leaving her one day after she arrived but Roger has never taken me on a date before and I didn't want to disappoint him. Clare was going to eat dinner with Deacy and Ratty at a famous restaurant and then would be home with the baby. I was glad she could do something fun. I walked to the waiting limousine and noticed how good Clare looked as she was getting in a separate car with the others.

"You look amazing Clare!" I commented to her as she slipped in the limo. She beamed at me as she took a seat by Deacy.

"Thanks Bri! I have to admit I'm really excited! A night out in L.A. is not something a girl from Truro ever does..." she gushed to me as their limo prepared to take off for the city. Clare had her hair done this afternoon at a nearby salon as a treat from Roger and she borrowed some of his clothes to wear tonight. She looked every bit the sister of a rock star.

"Well...you've earned it Bear.." Roger told her as he leaned over and kissed her cheek. It was nice to see her get to enjoy something of our lives besides just the domestic end of things. We waived goodbye as they left and Roger directed me to our own waiting car. "Here we are..." he remarked as we slipped in the back seat and the driver took off.

I sat back in the limo seat and tried to relax. I promised Rog I would not dwell on the baby tonight and have some fun. I felt Roger slip his hand into mine and I turned and smiled at him; not caring if the driver noticed. "This is going to be a great night!" Roger told me with enthusiasm.

"Are you going to tell me what we are doing?" I asked but he shook his head and smiled at me.

"I told you it's a surprise!" He replied as we headed off for our destination. We arrived at a restaurant and went in and enjoyed some food that was reminiscent of our meals in Tenerife. Roger commented that Lucia has recommended it. We left for another destination and I saw Roger check his watch. After riding a while in silence and full stomachs I noticed we exited the expressway in an area called Inglewood. There was a lot of traffic and we seemed to get in a line of slow moving vehicles.

"Were are we going?" I asked him curiously. He tapped his jacket pocket and then pointed out the window.

"I'll tell you we are going to the Forum..." he revealed to me. I was sure it was a large venue that held sports and concerts. Since neither of is keen on sports I deduced it was a show. I smiled in excitement at us attending a concert together. It has been a long time since we had done this.

"Who are we seeing?" I asked him excitedly. He looked smug and pulled out an envelope and handed it to me. I opened it up to see and then launched myself at him. They are tickets to see Led Zeppelin! Roger laughed as I went to kiss him and we both remembered we had an audience because of the driver. I quickly collected myself and sat back next to him. We shared an amused grin between us.

We arrived at the Forum and showed our tickets for entry. Our seats were pretty good as we got settled for the show. I was actually grateful we didn't have floor tickets as it was standing room only. We were on the same side of the stage as Jimmy Page so I was happy but we had a great view of the whole stage. There wasn't an opening act but they didn't need one. Everyone in the place was buzzing with energy waiting for the concert to begin. The lights dimmed and the band opened with 'Rock and Roll' to an incredible reaction from the crowd. We didn't sit down through the whole show. Every song was a treasure to behold. Watching Page play was a marvel and I hung on every chord and lick he offered up. Robert Plant's voice was in stellar shape and his nuanced rendition of 'The Rain Song' gave me chills. It was the moment in the show where I wished I could have pulled Roger to stand in front of me and have him in my arms with my head perched on top of his as we both watched the performance. Me holding him close and feeling the power of the music and the beauty of the lyrics. I had to fight the compulsion to do it but did put my arm around him at that moment. He understood.

By the time John Paul Jones started the heavy bass licks of 'Dazed and Confused' and the band went in to full overdrive I felt a bit dazed and confused. There was rampant pot smoking taking place all around us and we both caught a buzz from the thick air. I have to admit it did enhance the experience. The encore started and Roger was actually passed a joint by his neighbor. He looked at me intently as he held it in his hand. I shrugged and nodded to him. I mean - I'm pretty sure we are high already! Roger took a hit and then offered it to me. I had only ever tried it once before during my early university days. I gave in and accepted it from him as he smirked at me. I placed it to my lips and took a few puffs from it. That was all I was going to do. I handed it back and he passed it along as soon as he took another hit off it. I did feel pretty loose and fogged out by the time 'Whole Lotta Love' began. Roger and I were apparently high and began singing loudly into each other's faces. Roger can really belt this number out and I found myself really turned on by his remarkable delivery. I actually forget about Robert Plant and gazed at Roger as he whipped his head about and growled the lyrics at me. He is so fucking hot sometimes!

The concert ended too soon and we made our way to the exit we knew was a path to our car. I still felt quite buzzed and was silent most of the way. I know I have a stupid grin on my face as I can't stop looking at Roger and thinking about how sexy he was singing as we neared the exit doors.

"You sing better than Robert...you know that?" I said to him with my eyes feeling heavy and my body like syrup. He shook his head at me and smiled.

"Nobody is better than Plant...except maybe Freddie.." he answered as we were pressed together in the throng of people exiting the venue. I got pushed forward and then felt someone pinch my bottom. I turned to see Roger smirking at me and laughed. I tried to focus on moving and then felt Roger cup my bottom this time. I turned back to him.

"I'll get you for that..." I warned him. He snickered at me.

"Promises...promises.." he replied and we both grinned at the flirtation that started as we waited to exit. We made it out the doors and started walking down a row of limos looking for our driver. Roger spotted him and before we could cross over to his parking spot a young guy tapped Roger on the shoulder. He was probably 20 years old and had long bushy hair. Roger turned to him.

"Hey...are you the drummer for Queen?" he asked Rog. I was surprised we were recognized and Roger nodded to him with a friendly smile. 

"I am yeah....Roger Taylor..." he held his hand out and the guy got a huge grin on his face and shook his hand. He then looked over at me with the same expression.

"And you're the guitar player...right?" he asked me. I nodded to him.

"Yes...Brian May..." I answered and shook hands. He was beaming at us. I felt self conscious since I am still high and hoped he wouldn't notice our current state.

"You guys are epic man!" he told us with great ardor. "I have tickets for your show in a few days! Wow! I can't believe I saw you here!" he gushed at us. I was impressed to find he is a true fan. 

"We have the night off and thought we would catch the show....we hardly get a chance to see concerts these days...we are always on the road ourselves.." Roger explained to him. He nodded understanding to us.

"I wish I would have known I'd run into you....I bought your new album last week. I'd love for you to sign it man....that would be epic!" I did feel bad that there was nothing we could sign for him. I had an idea.

"What's your name? I can leave it with our tour manager and if you come to the exit doors at the venue....we can get you some autographs..." I offered to him. Roger liked my idea and smiled at us both. The guy looked amazed at my offer.

"That would be epic! My name is Brett Collins..." he answered. 

"Nice to meet you Brett....we need to get going but we will see in a few days..." I replied. "I hope our show is as impressive at the one we all just saw..." I remarked to him. He smiled at me and laughed and then leaned close to me.

"Can I ask one thing?" he said to me.

"Sure.."

"Are you doing that song from your new record, 'The Prophet Song?' he asked. I smiled and nodded to him. I felt pleased he likes my song.

"It is in our set..." I confirmed to him. His face lit up and he patted my arm.

"Fuck! Your show is going to be epic!" he said to us excitedly as he began to walk off. He waived to us. Roger and I shared a laugh as we waived back.

"He should have named dropped your song earlier....you probably would have invited him backstage.." Roger quipped to me as we arrived at the car; implying the kid was an ass kisser. I shoved him a little in jest.

"Sorry he doesn't like fucking cars..." I retorted and Roger shoved me back as we both laughed and slid in the limo. The driver closed our door and got in. We pulled out and got in line to exit the parking lot. I noticed him watching us in the rear view mirror. He smiled at me.

"You guys enjoy the show?" he asked. I nodded to him.

"It was epic!" I replied as a tribute to our new fan. Roger burst out laughing at my use of the kid's favorite word. I joined in laughing and realized I was in fact still a bit high. I think the driver caught on and he giggled at us both.

"You two want something to eat before I take you back to the canyon?"

\--One hour later--

"Fuck! This is really good!" Roger told me as he took another bite of his cheeseburger. It was disgusting to watch as the grease dripped from the paper wrapper but he loved it so who was I to say anything. My French fries are fantastic and my strawberry shake tastes divine. The driver stopped at a drive through restaurant and we got some food. He bluntly asked if we were high and Roger confessed to him that we were. He laughed and drove to this burger place and we ordered off the menu and then he pulled up so Roger could stick his head out and pay for it. 

Roger leaned over and placed a French fry in my mouth as we pulled up to the house in the canyon. I accepted it from him and giggled as he tried to chomp on the end sticking out of my mouth. We were interrupted by the driver clearing his throat at us.

"We're here guys...." he announced to us. I quickly ate the protruding French fry and Roger opened the door to get out. "Hey...before you guys go...can I ask you something?" the driver said to us in a sincere voice. We glanced at each other and felt unease about what he wanted to know.

"Sure..." I finally blurted out to him. He turned to look at us in the back seat and had a sweet expression.

"Please don't be offended but are you two like a couple or something?" he asked us both. My instinct was to lie but he seemed so sincere. I simply nodded gently at his question. He got a huge grin on his face and chuckled at us. "Good! Cause if you weren't I was going to say that you should be!" he remarked as he watched us get out of the car and we burst out laughing as he drove off. Roger had his half eaten burger and fries in a paper sack and I had my fries and shake in my hand. We went inside the house and found no one in the living room. It was quiet and subdued. I know Lucia was staying with Tigs until Clare got back and Clare said she would just sleep in the baby's room or take Tigs to her room for the night. We tried to be quiet in case anyone was asleep and crept to the kitchen to sit and finish our food. We sat on barstools next to each other at the counter and began feeding each other those amazing fries. We giggled in between bites and started sharing salty kisses. I took a drink of my shake and Roger watched me and stuck his tongue out. I got some in my straw and then dripped it onto his tongue. He smirked as he slipped his tongue in his mouth to taste my wonderful shake. He then leaned in close and we shared an open mouthed kiss. He tasted like my shake and I moaned at the sensation of it.

"Mmmm..." I moaned and he moved back to look at me after we finished our deep kiss.

"Did you notice the name of the place we got our food from?" he asked me. I didn't recall and shook my head as he smiled devilishly at me. "It was called 'In and Out'...' he told me. We shared a knowing look between us and began laughing. We both tried to stifle it to keep the noise down.

"I would love to go in and out of you right now..." I joked to Roger and his eyebrows raised up and he leaned in towards me.

"That's funny...I was thinking I could go in and out of you..." he replied. I raised my eyebrows back at him. "I took you on a nice date....you should put out for me..." he reminded me. I smiled at him.

"That's fair...but first I want to go for a swim..." I announced to him. He looked delighted at my suggestion and stood up from the counter and held his hand out. I got up and took his hand and he began walking us in silence from the room. He began heading towards the pool but I needed to get my swimsuit from our bedroom. "We need our swimsuits.." I told him as he walked the opposite way of the stairs. He shook his head and grabbed my hand again and pulled me his direction.

"No we don't...." he smirked at me and we headed for the pool. I grinned back. Now this could get interesting!

To be continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI -Brian and Roger did actually go see a Led Zeppelin concert at the Forum in Los Angeles while on tour. For those who are all about facts, it was actually in March 1975, not 1976.


	58. You Make My Life Worthwhile...With The Slightest Smile - Part 2

2nd March 1976

Los Angeles CA

Brian's POV

"No Rog!" I said to him again as he snickered at me. "We are not having sex in the pool!" He stood at the pool's edge holding a bottle of baby oil he found in the cabinet in the bathroom adjacent to the changing room. I shook my head at him. "Our baby swims in this pool....our friends use this pool.." I reminded him. "I can't look Lucia in the face if we do this.." I said to him firmly. His expression changed to a sulking one and he sat the baby oil down and pulled off his trousers as I stood in the middle of the pool and watched. He stripped off his briefs and got in the pool and waded towards me. We were both naked and the pool room was only lit by the pool lights. It gave off a shimmering glow across the ceiling and shadows flickered everywhere from our movements. We were fairly certain everyone had gone to bed so we took a chance and decided to swim 'au naturel.' I had never done this and felt extremely nervous. All the effects of the pot from earlier tonight were gone so my sense of adventure had dulled a little. For Roger, his sense of daring never thinned. 

He found his way over to me and walked up with his arms out. I wanted to hold him and savor the feel of his skin, but nothing more....at least not in the pool. I opened my arms to him and he got close and wrapped his arms around my waist. I pulled him close and pressed my face into his hair and forehead. I could still smell his shampoo and an odd mixture of tobacco and his after shave and the chemicals from the pool. We held each other and sighed softly as we eased into a comfortable place. I completely relaxed and actually wished we had some music playing softly. I was going to comment about it when Roger suddenly gripped my middle hard and shoved me down in the water. He loosened his grip on me as I went under and I quickly shot back above the surface with a mouth and nose full of water. It burned inside my throat and nostrils and I whipped my hair out of my face. I shouted at him as I lunged towards him.

"You little shit!" I yelled and dove right at his laughing face. He threw his arms up to shield himself from me but I was too quick and got a grip on one of his arms and took hold of his side and flung him around. He gasped at I slammed him down in the water. I tried to hold him in place but he was slippery and quickly got out of my grasp. He shot back out of the water and launched himself at me as he cackled loudly. His outrageous laugh and overexcited behavior made me start laughing despite my irritation at the burning in my nose. We both got our arms up around each other and were trying to dunk the other. With us being slippery and with no clothes to grab onto we lost hold of each other and had to work to make any progress in our play fight. Roger managed to get a better grip on me and forced me towards the side of the pool but I broke away and started for the stairs. He gave chase and I stumbled at the steps as he grabbed me again. I ended up seated on the step and he was holding me down facing him as he stood in the water gazing down at me with a victorious grin.

"I got you so you have to let me fuck you!" he exclaimed as he hovered over me breathing heavily from our horseplay. I shook my head as I laughed at him. He leaned close and smirked at me. "I bet you would let Robert Plant fuck you in this pool!" he suggested to me. I couldn't explain it but somehow Rog knows me too well. I've never really found other men besides Roger attractive but Robert did something to me. His is one of the few men in music who is as tall as me and has a dominating presence and a cocky assurance. He knows how sexy he is and wears it like a badge of honor. I could easily imagine being bent over the pool edge by him and I felt my cock stir at the thought. I think I actually felt a little heat flow over my face.

"I saw your cock move Brian! You do want him...don't you?" he accused me. I tried to shirk it off but his face showed he was well aware of what the idea had done to me. "Close your eyes.." Roger demanded as he leaned over me. I decided to do as he asked to avoid talking about Robert Plant anymore. Roger ran his hand up and down my chest and it felt nice. Then he began singing.

And if I say to you tomorrow  
Take my hand, child come with me  
It's to a castle I will take you  
Where what's to be, they say will be

Catch the wind, see us spin  
Sail away leave today  
Way up high in the sky, hey, whoa  
But the wind won't blow  
You really shouldn't go  
It only goes to show  
That you will be mine  
By takin' our time, ooh

"Stop!" I laughed out at him nervously. He sounded too much like Robert and it did something to me. Made me uneasy but a bit eager.

"Turn around.." he whispered to me against my face. I got up and turned my body away from him. He shoved me forward and I took hold of the pool edge with my hands and he came up behind me. I was kneeling on the pool stairs. I could feel him move his hand between my thighs and I realized what he was up to and turned my head towards him. "We are not doing this..." I whined to him as he began moving my hair away from my shoulder and kissing the side of my neck. It felt delicious but it wasn't going to get him anywhere. I know he thinks he can seduce me into fucking in the pool but it isn't going to work. I suddenly felt Roger's hand slip between my legs and gently stroke my balls. Fuck! I began to get an erection. 

"Rog!" I reminded him as my resolve to keep the pool chaste started dissolving. He cupped me perfectly in his hand and stroked his thumb over my sack. Shit! He is too good at this! I need to get out of this pool! 

"I'm not Roger...my name is Robert and I heard you've got a thing for me....you like it when I sing..." he whispered in my ear as he pressed himself up against my legs and bottom. I could feel his erection against me. His hand was still stroking my balls and I groaned with the entire scenario he was building around us. He started singing again and took his free hand and ran it up and down my backside.

Workin' from seven to eleven every night   
It really makes life a drag   
I don't think that's right  
I've really been the best of fools   
I did what I could, yeah   
'Cause I love you, baby   
How I love you, darling   
How I love you, baby   
My beloved little girl, little girl  
But baby, since I've been loving you, yeah   
I'm about to lose my worried mind, oh yeah

His performance of the song was dead on and I groaned hearing his rendition. What made it even better - or worse - however you want to view it - is that he reached over for the bottle of baby oil and wet his fingers and began to insert one inside me slowly. 

"C'mon Bri....be adventurous.." he challenged to me as he bent over me and nuzzled his lips against my shoulder and then breathed and licked at my ear. "Let Percy fuck you....right here...right now!" he demanded boldly and used Robert Plant's known nickname on me. He felt warm against my backside and his finger working inside me was intoxicating. I felt the beginnings of surrender. I moaned out loud without meaning to and Roger made a satisfied sound as he added another finger. He began moving and twisting and spreading his fingers and I came undone under his touch. 

"Fuck!" I cried out when he made contact with my prostate. He pressed into the spot again and I cried out again. It felt so fucking good. "Fuck!" He knew he had me and worked on me some more as I cried out to him.

"That's what Percy wants to hear.." he breathed into my ear in a satisfied tone as he slipped his fingers out and moved away from me. "So....are we going to do this?" he asked me and I yelped when he licked his tongue across my hole. I wasn't technically in the water and felt like we could avoid any spillage in the pool. I was ready to give in. I was so worked up I couldn't not do it now.

"Fuck me Percy.." I whined out. He laughed in a sexy way as he moved to position himself behind me.

"You're about to get a whole lotta love.." he joked to me as he pressed himself at my entrance. I braced myself as he began to push in but felt my entire body freeze when the lights in the room came on suddenly. FUCK!!!!!! I panicked and screamed.

"Fuck! You scared the life out of me!" Freddie gasped at us as he jumped when I shouted. Roger scrambled off my backside and I immediately dove for cover into the pool. Both Roger and I dropped our bodies below the surface as Freddie stood near the pool and put his hands on his hips as David stood next to him. I had moved my hands to cover my crotch and huddled in a squatted position as he looked us over. Only my head and shoulders were out of the water.

"Were you fucking in the pool?" he barked at us. "I can see you both now! You were fucking! Jesus Christ you two!" Freddie exclaimed and began laughing out loud. 

"We were not fucking Fred!" I lied as I shouted at him and was mortified in this moment. I felt like we were completely on display for Freddie and his boyfriend. Why did I agree to this? Why are we skinny dipping in this pool? How could I let Roger fuck me in the pool? I could hear Freddie and David both giggling. I crouched lower in the water and in my utter humiliation.

"Guys...I have to tell you there is no denying what you were doing when we walked in...the way you two were positioned in the pool...you guys were fucking!" David informed me. I am completely embarrassed..

"And if you weren't...you were two minutes away from it!" Freddie quipped to us and they began snickering. I wanted to crawl inside the pool drain and disappear but that would involve me moving and exposing myself to them. I feel trapped!

"We were not fucking and we weren't going to! Can you please leave so we can get out and get our clothes?" I asked them firmly.

"Fine...fine...we'll leave! Can I just say something first?" David replied in a softer manner.

"What?" I asked him as I felt like I might save a few remnants of my dignity. 

"First off....Roger! Nice ass!" David remarked and Roger laughed a little at his compliment. I rolled my eyes and began to fear where this is headed.

"Thanks! I guess!" Roger told him back. I shot Roger of look of incredulity. I couldn't believe he was accepting his compliment at a moment like this.

"Second! I really thought Brian would be the top....but wow! You never know..." he said in a ponderous manner and Freddie burst out laughing. David quickly joined in.

"I'll have you know this is an equal opportunity marriage..." Roger commented back to them and I felt a little proud of his boast to them despite my complete dismay at being caught in the act. Freddie snorted as he laughed.

"Oh really? Come on then...who fucks who more?" Freddie questioned to us and I groaned at the idea of providing statistics on something that isn't really his business. Plus, I just want out of this bloody pool!

"Shut it Fred!" Roger barked at him in an irritated tone. "Piss off so we can get out!" he added. Freddie waived his hands in defeat and turned to David and patted his chest.

"Fine! Off we go then..." Freddie responded to Roger and they turned to leave. "How long do you need?" he asked us with his back turned. 

"Give us a few minutes..." Roger replied as he started to move under the water towards the stairs.

"Wow Rog! I would have thought you lasted longer than that!" Freddie teased. 

"Fuck off!" Roger shouted as they giggled and headed out of the room. Roger sighed heavily as he began to wade over to the stairs. I pulled out of my squatting position and followed. He climbed the steps and quickly grabbed a towel on a nearby chair. He wrapped it around himself as he took the other towel and opened it up for me. As soon as I stepped out of the water he walked up and covered me with it. I got it around my waist and tucked the end in to hold it in place. "Sorry Bri..." he said to me sincerely and I smiled at him. I couldn't be mad at him. It was all in good fun.

"It's alright....thanks..." I told him as we both began to gather our clothes. We were silent as we found our shoes and then opened the door to the room and walked out. It was quiet and only the light from the kitchen marked our path. Freddie and David had made themselves scarce which I appreciated. We went to the stairs and made our way up. When we got to our room Roger stopped and went and gently opened the bedroom door next to ours. He closed it after a taking a quick look inside.

"Tiger Lily must be with Clare in her room..." Roger informed me as we went inside our bedroom. We were both only wearing our towels and dropped our clothes in a pile on the floor. I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed and Roger followed me inside. He walked to a bag in the room and pulled out my pill bottles as I grabbed my toothbrush and looked at my drooping wet hair in the mirror. I am a mess! Roger came over and handed me my nightly dose. I nodded to him and filled a cup with water and took my medicine. He watched me take it and smiled when I finished and went to the shower and turned on the water. "Let's get the chlorine off us..." he suggested as he pulled his towel away from his waist and stepped into the shower. I nodded and walked over to get in with him. I dropped my towel on top of his and stepped in. Roger was running his hands through his long hair and rinsing it thoroughly. His body never ceases to amaze me as I saw him begin to run his hands over his shoulders and torso and across his stomach and hips. He gently wiped over his still semi-erect penis and then down over his full thighs. His eyes were closed and his face was serene as he rinsed away the chemicals from being in the pool. He opened his eyes and saw me looking at him. He smiled lazily at me.

"Have I ever told you that you have the most beautiful body?" I remarked to him as he gazed at me. I could tell he was flattered by my words as he looked up and down my skinny frame. I wished I was more filled out like him and offered him something better. He reached over and took my hand and pulled me close to him.

"You have told me babe...but I'll never tire of hearing it from you...but I love how perfectly your body fits with mine....." he informed me as he pulled me in for a soft kiss. Our lips parted but Roger kept me close. I smiled at him wickedly and turned to face the wall of the shower and turned my head over my shoulder to look back at him. I fluttered my eyelashes at him.

"Fuck me Percy..." I purred to him and Roger laughed as he pushed me up against the wall.

\-------------------

6th March 1976

Roger's POV

I woke up feeling heavy and lazy. I smiled to myself as I rolled over but was a bit disappointed that I found the bed was empty. I could hear some noise in the hallway and looked at the clock. It was 8:45. Early! I reached over for Brian's pillow and nestled into it as I burrowed back down in the bed. Hoping for a few more hours of sleep. There was a knock on the door that interrupted my idea and I groaned.

"Go away!" I shouted as I buried my head in the pillow. The knocking grew louder and I knew it wasn't going to stop. It couldn't be Brian as he would have just walked in. Suddenly the door burst open and Deacy came in and walked up to the bed. He stood there with a smug look on his face.

"Get up you lazy ass....we have to get around and go do a radio interview in a while!" he informed me as he reached to pull the blankets off of me. I took hold of them and growled at him.

"Fuck off Deaks!" I shouted but he kept a firm grip on the covers and yanked them away. He laughed at my unsuccessful efforts.

"Brian said to get up and get ready..." he informed me. I rolled my eyes at him and started to get out of bed. I hated our bass player and my husband a little bit right now. After getting up and dressed and heading downstairs in a fog of yawning and stretching as I tried to wake up I found everyone seated at a table eating breakfast. Lucia, the maid, was at the stove and smiled at me as she carried a plate with scrambled eggs, potatoes, fried tomatoes and something mushy and green to Brian. She placed it in front of him with an endearing glance at him.

"Muchas gracias Lucia..." he told her and she beamed at him.

"De nada querido..." she replied. I think he had thanked her and she responded in kind. She leaned down and kissed his head and Brian blushed a little. I was glad that Lucia is probably over 40 years old or I might be a little jealous. Maybe I still am a bit.

"I think someone is getting favored treatment in this house.." Freddie remarked as he sipped a cup of tea. Brian shot him a look of disdain and Freddie smirked at him. Lucia came over to me.

"Senor Taylor....you want breakfast?" she asked me. I glanced over at the other plates to see what they all had and found it mostly the same as Brian's except they also had link sausages.

"Can I get the same as his?" I asked and pointed to Deacy's plate. She nodded with a smile and walked back to the stove. I heard her crack an egg on a glass bowl. I noticed Brian tearing a tortilla up and giving some to Tiger Lily. She took it from him and shoved it in her mouth. I laughed at her as she looked like a chipmunk. Her cheeks were stuffed full. I enjoyed her little show for a few minutes and Lucia brought me over my own plate. "Thank you...." I told her as she set it down in front of me. It looked delicious. I noticed an odd look on Lucia's face as she stared at me. I noticed her glance over at Tiger Lily. 

"Senor Taylor...is the baby yours?" Lucia asked me. I nodded to her and smiled as I poked my fork into one of the hot sausage links. I know it is obvious she is mine because of how much we look alike.

"Yeah...she's my daughter..." I answered. She glanced over at Brian feeding Tigs some fruit and then back at me. I felt compelled to explain why Brian was feeding her and not me. I wasn't sure what to say. 

"And the baby is Senor May's as well?" she asked me in a sweet manner. I smiled and nodded to her as I began chewing the bite of sausage in my mouth. I wondered what she would ask next and felt a little uneasy about where this conversation was headed. Brian and I exchanged a wary glance. I noticed Freddie and Deacy watching us expectantly. 

"Somos familia..." Brian said to her. I wasn't sure exactly what he said but guessed it had something to do with family. Lucia and Brian then exchanged a heartfelt expression. He glanced at me with love in his eyes.

"Puedo ver tu amor..." Lucia replied to him. "Una Hermosa familia..." I had no idea what she said to him but they smiled warmly at each other and Brian nodded graciously as she walked out of the room.

"What did she say?" Deacy asked before I could and Brian kept his warm smile as he gave Tigs some more fruit.

"I told her we are a family...." he explained to us all. "And she said she could see our love and that we are a beautiful family..." I felt warm inside at her kind words and Deacy looked heartened by it all. We all sat in a happy silence and finished eating as David came into the room. He walked over to sit next to Freddie.

"Good morning all..." he remarked to us as Freddie poured him a cup of tea. He glanced over at me and an evil grin appeared on his face.

'Morning Percy..." he teased and winked at me and I flung a forkful of eggs right at his face.

\--11th March 1976--

Santa Monica Civic Auditorium - Santa Monica CA

Brian's POV

I buttoned up my satin blouse and checked the cuffs before I pulled my pleated bolero jacket over it. The ruffled edges of my jacket laid nicely against my chest and neck and I stood in front of the mirror to make sure everything looked right. I knew Freddie would inspect it all before I could leave the dressing room. I used my fingers to fluff up my voluminous hair a bit more. I think I might need a haircut but kind of liked how full my hair looked. I grabbed the makeup sponge and fixed a spot where it wasn't blended well near my chin and smiled at my reflection. I looked alright. Not too bad actually. I really liked my new outfit and took another look at it in the mirror. I saw Roger come in from the interior bathroom and he was wiping his hands in a small towel. He went to his table and was going through his bag as I stepped away from the mirror and went to slip my shoes on. I am ready for the show.

"Gerry said they worked out the problems we had with the flash pots at the show last night..." Freddie remarked as he looked over his own outfit in the mirror. "They re-wired the setup.." he explained to us. We all nodded recognition of his words as we focused on preparing. Deacy went over to Roger and they were talking about something. Roger poured a tumbler of whiskey for each of them both and they took a drink. Freddie reached for his own drink; his throat concoction. He made some warm up sounds after a bit of gargling. Gerry walked in to the room holding a newspaper. 

"You all seen this?" he asked as he held up the newspaper review of our show from the first day in Santa Monica. I had read it at breakfast that morning. So had the others. We all nodded to him.

"A lot of words about the opening act...but not too bad of a review..." Deacy commented to him as he finished his whiskey.

"Let's just finish this last show with a memorable performance...then it's just San Diego before our break..." Freddie remarked to us. He is right. After our show tomorrow in San Diego we had our long break before we headed for Japan. Some real time to spend with Roger and Tiger Lily. 

Crystal came into the dressing room and walked straight to Roger. I hoped nothing was wrong but he simply handed Roger a small box and Roger thanked him before he left. I took a drink of my water and headed for a final toilet break before the start of the show. I did my business and was washing up when Roger walked in carrying the small box.

"What's that?" I asked him as I wiped my hands. He held it out to me with a smile.

"It's for you..." he told me. I walked over and took it from him and pulled the lid off the box. Inside was my Japanese coin necklace on a brand new chain. The last time I saw this was when I had yanked it from my neck in December and left it in the sink; feeling like our relationship was over and possibly my will to live. A whole range of memories and emotions washed over me as I stared at the reminder of our commitment to each other. It had not escaped me that Roger never stopped wearing his necklace. I was the one who had thrown mine away. He may have done the most harm to our relationship but he remained committed to reconciling. To fixing our mess. To keeping our family intact. Roger took the necklace out of the box and held it up to me. "I asked Clare to bring it when she came...so I could get it fixed and you could wear it again..." he explained to me. "If you want to wear it..." he said with a question in his voice. Tears sprang into my eyes.

"Of course I want to wear it..." I replied and went to take the necklace from him. He kept hold of it.

"Let me put it on you..." he told me. I nodded and moved my hair away from neck as I turned around. He made a kissing sound as he pressed his lips to the coin and then strung the chain around my neck and fastened it. I turned back around and he then adjusted the chain and coin as I fixed my hair. He smiled as he looked at me and then wiped a tear from my eye. "This time forever?" he asked me in the tenderest voice. I eagerly nodded at him and smiled.

"Forever..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love every outfit Zandra Rhodes designed for Queen. I feel Brian was an amazing model for her clothes. While Freddie brought the bravado and flair there is something about Brian's tall graceful elegance as he glides across the stage. Those winged sleeves flowing behind him and the amazing visual dynamic created when he raises his arm up in a dramatic sweep of his fingers across those strings. He may have borrowed the windmill move from Pete Townshend but his execution of it in these beautiful garments is rock and roll art at its finest! 
> 
> And Roger? Well...let's face it! He would have looked amazing in a potato sack!


	59. The Brighter Sun and The Easier Lays

6th April 1976

Perth Australia

Voyeur's POV

"It feels almost like a second honeymoon to be honest.." Roger told Jo on the telephone. He sunk down in the chair feeling quite relaxed and content. Things had changed so much from when he first started talking to her on the phone. The tour will still ongoing but Roger's personal life is back on track and going in the right direction. He feels really good about it. 

"I'm so glad to hear that Rog..." Jo acknowledged to him. He was glad he called her. She always makes him smile. "It was so clear when I was there how much he loves you and I think you two really have a chance at making it for the long haul..."

"I don't want to spend my life with anyone else..." Roger replied. "This time it's for keeps..." 

"Have you talked at all about his desire for another child?" she asked. Roger and Brian had not really discussed it any further. The surprise visit with the baby set that aside. In a good way.

"Since Tigs was here he was completely focused on her for now.." I explained. "I know we need to discuss it further but he was content with spending time with her..." Roger explained as he reached over for his glass of pineapple juice. "We probably won't talk about it until we get home from tour...there is so much to consider..." 

"I hope you don't mind but I asked around with some people I know to see if anyone has any knowledge or idea how you might go about having a child.." Jo revealed to him. He was instantly intrigued by what she might have learned.

"Oh yeah?" he responded. "Did anyone have any information?" 

"As you can guess adoption is completely off the table..." she advised. Roger knew this was probably the case. "There were some interesting things that people did to have children if they really wanted to.." 

"Like what?" he asked. 

"A few people had them through traditional marriages and eventually their spouses found out they were gay...some stayed married with sexual arrangements on the side and others divorced with visitation agreements.....and others took matters into their own hands.." she explained. 

"What do you mean by taking matters into their own hands?" Roger wasn't sure what this meant.

"First off...the main couple I heard about were two women so it was a little different since either of them could actually give birth to their own child....they just needed a man to impregnate one of them..." This made sense and I was a little envious of the simplicity lesbians found in having children if they wanted them.

"Did anyone happen to know about two men?" Roger asked. She sighed a bit which left him disheartened.

"The only thing I heard was that a male couple basically bought a baby on the black market and obtained a forged birth certificate from someone inside the government records office....completely illegal and quite risky..." This is not what he wanted to hear. He sighed to match the one she gave him moments before.

"That isn't encouraging..." he replied. Both were silent for a moment. Roger suddenly wanted a cigarette. 

"I'll keep digging...I have to admit that this topic is fascinating.." Roger wasn't surprised as Jo has an inquisitive nature. 

"I appreciate anything you can uncover for me..." he remarked. He glanced at the clock and saw they had been on the phone for a while. It was going to be an expensive long distance call. "I have to go...this is going to cost a small fortune.." he informed her. They both laughed.

"Well.. have a good time...talk to you soon....don't forget that I'm finished here in two days..." she reminded him. She was wrapping up her work and heading home to London. 

"Okay...I will call first thing when I get back home....promise...we'll be back on the 22nd....talk to you then.." he responded and hung up the phone. Roger took the final drink from his glass and got up from the chair in the living area to head outside. He wondered if he should even bother to tell Brian what she had learned. None of it had proved promising. Despite Roger's deep reservations about it, Chrissie's offer to have a baby for him was still the best option on the table. He didn't like it.

\-------------------

Roger stepped out onto the wooden deck and looked out onto the tranquil beach. It was such a stroke of luck to get offered a private beach house for a small break between the Japan and Australia tour dates. The promoter was a generous man. Brian and Roger gladly accepted the offer while Freddie and Deacy opted for more time in Japan. The house was tucked away in a secluded area near Perth and had its own private beach. They arrived to find a well stocked kitchen and a small but comfortable two bedroom bungalow. Brian had immediately messed up the bedding in the smaller bedroom and joined Roger in the larger room for a good night's sleep. They had slept in and Brian had made them something to eat while Roger took a quick drive in a car left for their use to see what the town had to offer. He returned and reported his findings as they ate a late breakfast. Since then Roger had called Jo to check in while Brian cleaned up the kitchen and then took a walk. Brian had changed and headed to the beach as Roger was ending his phone call. Roger saw Brian laying down a blanket on the sand. He watched as Brian pulled off his t-shirt and kicked off his sandals and sat down on the blanket. He spread it out around him and then proceeded to lay on his back; his knees bent and arms placed underneath his head. Roger walked to the end of the deck and took the few steps down to the beach. He went over to the blanket and stood directly in the path of Brian's sunlight and created a shadow over his face. Brian opened his eyes and looked up at Roger.

"Did you have a nice chat with Jo?" Brian asked him as Roger remained standing in the bright light. Roger knew Brian was being sincere and nodded to him with a smile.

"I did yeah..." she's heading back to London in a few days...her research is finished.." Roger remarked and took a few steps and went to lay down on the blanket next to Brian. Brian scooted over a bit to make room and Roger first sat and pulled off his shirt. He then laid down and mirrored Brian's position by putting his arms under his head. The intense heat of the mid day sun radiated down on his body and he quickly warmed up. Beads of sweat formed in his armpits and on his scalp.

"I can't believe Freddie and Deaks skipped the chance for this getaway..." Roger told Brian as they both baked together on the blanket. "We did plenty of shopping in Japan...how much more did Freddie need to buy?" he asked Brian but didn't move his head to look at him. Roger was already feeling sedated from the warm blanket, the sun overhead and the sounds of the ocean waves lapping heavily on the shore.

"Crazy shopping is what Deacy called it....one of the interpreters told him about the term..." Brian answered as he kept his eyes closed and savored the nice change from the wintery conditions they had faced in America. The weather in Japan wasn't too bad but did not compare to the summer heat they had at the moment. Australia was experiencing higher than normal temperatures right now and Brian appreciated their well timed trip. 

Brian suddenly remembered they needed sunscreen and cursed as he sat up on the blanket and reached inside his bag. "We forgot sunscreen Rog..." he remarked as he pulled the bottle out and opened it. He squirted some in his hands and began rubbing it over his exposed skin. Roger didn't say a word as Brian finished placing the protectant on himself. Brian leaned over to give him the bottle. "Here you go..." he said as he held it out to him.

"Can't be bothered..." Roger mumbled to him without opening his eyes. Brian's brow furrowed and he began to place some of the lotion in his hand.

"You'll be bothered when you're as red as a lobster.." Brian lectured to him and began to coat Roger's chest and stomach with the substance. Roger let Brian cover his skin without protest and actually enjoyed his greasy hands gliding over his body. Roger was confident he wouldn't burn entirely. He never did during their short trip to Hawaii before they had to headed to Japan for the next leg of the tour. He smiled as he recalled the fun they had on the beach playing with Tiger Lily and building sand castles with her bucket set they bought for her at a beachside vendor. Everyone had a marvelous time relaxing and lounging on the beach or at the hotel pool. Clare got a much needed break from being a nanny while Roger and Brian enjoyed taking care of Tiger Lily together.

"I miss Tigs..." Roger said out loud and it made Brian smile widely. Brian missed her terribly even though it had just been the 20th of March when they put Clare and Tiger Lily on a plane back home. It had been only about 15 days but the time in between had been a chaotic whirlwind as they resumed the tour.

"I do too but it's a good thing she didn't travel to Japan with us...the fans were almost out of control this time.." Brian answered. He didn't mean it in a bad way but the increased number of them and their overt enthusiasm had culminated in near hysteria when they landed in Tokyo. The large crowd of fans waiting for them had overwhelmed security and it caused a few frightening moments when some fans got hold of Brian and relieved him of his shoes. Roger and the others had been shoved about in the melee as security pulled them to a safe area and held them there before escorting them to the safety of a convoy of cars. The ensuing days in the country were rampant with crowds and eager fans stalking them in hotel lobbies and everywhere they went.

"If we ever tour there again...it would be nice to take her but we need better security.." Roger answered. "I guess some of these countries are a challenge with taking a family on tour..." he added. Brian liked Roger's reference to them being a family and he instantly envisioned them touring in the future with more than one child in tow. He smiled at the thought.

"We'll know better next time....we can be better prepared to bring the kids along..." Brian said casually as he finished rubbing the lotion on Roger's legs. Roger opened his eyes when he heard Brian used the word 'kids.' Plural meant one thing. He was thinking about having another child.

"You're really set on having another child..." Roger said out loud in a neutral tone. Just wanting it to be an observation and not a point of contention in any way. Brian took it as he intended and nodded to Roger.

"I am..." he confirmed. "I'll be thirty next year..." Brian reminded him. "I don't want to wait... even though I know our life isn't ideal for children...I still want them...I want to find a way to make it work in the future where they are with us...if the band is still together and we are still doing all this.." he explained to his husband with determination and passion. Roger could see how important it is to him.

"You make thirty sound like old age Bri..." Roger responded and was trying to understand the urgency on Brian's part. 

"I know I sound a bit dramatic but I remember people telling me how fast the time of childhood goes by...you should have them young...is what most people say...if we wait for a moment in the future when our lives are slower paced...I may be too old for this..." he explained. "Plus I want my parents to have time with their grandchildren....before they're too old or they're gone Rog..." 

Roger could appreciate that Brian wanted his parents to experience the joys of being grandparents. He saw only too well what Tiger Lily had brought to his mother's life as well as Brian's parent's lives. It was nice to watch them engage with her and how much she was loved by them all.

"Alright...so you want a child...how do you go about having one then?" Roger asked bluntly. "Since you agreed to forgo Chrissie's offer....how does it work?" Roger was keen to know what ideas Brian had come up with since he removed Chrissie from the equation. He considered telling Brian what Jo had mentioned on the phone.

"I know adoption isn't going to be available..." Brian acknowledged to him. Roger nodded agreement but said nothing as he waited for Brian to continue. Brian sat the bottle of sunscreen down and brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around the front of his legs. He looked pensive. Brian had done a lot of thinking about this. He had even had a private conversation with Freddie and David about it. Wanting to know if they knew of any couples who had children and how they came about getting them. The conversation had proved fruitless. The only couple they knew with a child in the picture was one where one of them had been married and had some kids before they divorced and then embraced his true sexuality. This wasn't much help. He wasn't going to marry some girl just to use her to get children. Even though Chrissie made an easy offer it didn't sit right with him after thinking about it. He loves Roger and doesn't want a life with someone else. Just him and their children.

"I'm not going to find some girl to pretend date and marry just to get a child...and even Chrissie's offer has no appeal for me....it's inherently inauthentic..." Brian candidly told Roger. He laid his head down on his knees and faced Roger's way; looking frustrated. Roger reached over with his hand and rubbed Brian's bare leg. He felt bad that Brian hadn't found a solution. Nothing Jo had mentioned really provided any other avenue. They would never consider buying a black market baby.

"It's a shame we aren't lesbians.." Roger joked to lighten the mood. "We'd only need some dumb fuck to have a one night stand with and our problem would be solved.." he laughed gently and saw Brian's frown loosen up. It made Roger feel good to get even a smirk from him.

"Why couldn't god let men have babies too?" Brian mused out loud. Roger laughed at the thought. 

"Now that would be a sight!" Roger remarked as he pushed his stomach out and held his tummy like he was expecting. Brian watched him and burst out laughing. 

"Forget the world finding out about us...you being pregnant would be the real headline.." Brian told him as he and Roger both chuckled at the notion. Roger patted his tummy and made sounds like he was in labor which had them both in hysterics. Roger couldn't stick his tummy out any longer as he rolled on his side gasping with laughter. Brian had relaxed his body and was laying back and resting on his elbows as he tried to calm down. Roger was grateful the discussion hadn't ended in a fight or tense feelings. He got up and crawled over and straddled Brian's legs and looked down at him as he sat on Brian's thighs.

"Want to put a baby in me?" he joked and patted his tummy again. He gave Brian a daring look. He was in the mood and found this an amusing segue way to fooling around. He noted the whimsy that crossed over Brian's face.

"Oh...wouldn't that be lovely..." Brian remarked to him as he stroked Roger's stomach with his hand. "I think we would make a beautiful baby...don't you?" Brian fantasized out loud. "I'd want your beautiful eyes and golden hair color and maybe a bit of my curls...but not as curly as mine..." Brian told him as he reached down and stroked Roger through his swimsuit. Roger instantly felt hard with Brian's touch and leaned into his hand a little as he placed his own hands on Brian's chest.

"Our baby would be so fucking smart..." Roger remarked and closed his eyes as he felt Brian slip his hand through the leg of his suit to touch his cock. He groaned at the feeling and clenched his legs against Brian's thighs. "And boy could it play rock and roll..." Roger added to the dream as Brian began stroking him inside his baggy swimsuit. Roger's mouth went slack.

"We're positive this beach is private?" Brian asked Roger in a husky voice. Roger nodded to him with heavy lidded eyes.

"Yeah...the promoter told me it's a private lot...the next neighbor is quite a ways down the beach..." Roger assured him in a breathy tone and lifted up from Brian's legs as he slid his swimsuit off. Brian helped him and then Roger grabbed the edges of Brian's swimsuit and got it part ways down his legs. Brian resumed stroking Roger as he leaned down and they kissed each other. It started out tender and quickly grew heated when Roger scooted up from Brian's thighs and pulled his mouth away from Brian's so he could pull Brian's fingers into his mouth. He wet them heavily and Brian reached around to open him up as they kept up their deep kissing. Both of them were sweating and breathing rapidly as Roger pulled Brian's hand away after a few minutes and wet his own hand and coated Brian's cock with saliva. He lifted up from his seated position and Brian held onto his hips as Roger closed his eyes and slowly sunk down onto Brian's cock. They were silent as Roger got comfortable and then he opened his eyes and stared directly into Brian's as he began to move up and down on his lover. He leaned forward a little and placed his hands on Brian's chest to get a bracing position as he picked up speed. Brian quickly got in the act and they both treated the moment for what it was. A spontaneous and quick fuck on the beach.

"I've never fucked you outdoors..." Brian gasped to Roger as they both slammed into each other. "It's really hot!" he commented to him as the sounds of the waves were overtaken by their groans and the noise of their skin making repeated contact. Roger only nodded as he focused on the feeling and closed his eyes again to soak in the sensations of the blazing sun on his back and the intense feeling of Brian deep inside him. Their bodies were a bit slippery with sweat but Roger got hold of Brian's hands and they clasp their fingers together and locked their elbows up to hold each other in place.

"God you feel amazing!" Brian shouted as he bucked his hips up from the ground to meet Roger's downward thrust. The friction became overwhelming and a wave of pleasure shot through Roger as Brian kept making contact with his prostate. He knew he was coming before he could communicate it.

"Fuck!" he shouted as he clenched involuntarily around Brian as he rolled his head back and gasped and unloaded all over their stomachs. Brian watched every movement and saw every emotion on Roger's face and let go of his hands to grab Roger's hips as he slammed into him repeatedly as he came inside him.

"Roger...god!" he groaned as he finished his orgasm and savored the weight of Roger on top of him. As they stopped their movements and tried to catch their breath, Roger laid forward as Brian took him in his arms and held him to his chest. They both lay silent and sated for a minute.

"I love you but it's hot...." Roger groaned as he kissed Brian and then slowly pulled away from Brian's chest. Brian helped lift him out of his lap and off him completely. Roger crawled away from him and stood as up he bent down to get his swimsuit. Brian only had to pull his suit back up his legs and over his hips as Roger deferred to simply using a beach towel to cover up and held out his hand for Brian to take. Brian took hold and stood up as they both walked in silence to the bungalow for a shower and a large drink of water.

\--Later that night--

"The movie starts in 30 minutes.." Roger told Brian as he looked over the t-shirts for babies in the souvenir shop. There was a cute pink one that had a koala and the word 'Australia' on it. He considered buying it for Tiger Lily. Roger walked over carrying a kangaroo plush animal. They smiled at each other's gift ideas. Both were purchased as they left the store and put their presents in the car. Roger drove the few miles to the cinema he had noticed earlier that day during his drive around the area. He parked and they walked to the box office and Brian paid for two tickets.

"Want some popcorn?" Roger asked as they got in line for the concession. Brian nodded as he picked up a box of chocolate drops. Roger got them two small popcorns and drinks and they found seats right before the film trailers began. Both enjoyed some fresh popped corn as they watched the coming attractions. Brian was intrigued by a preview for a film version of the Stephen Book he read called 'Carrie.' It was releasing later in the year. He knew the book would probably be better but looked forward to seeing the film version anyway. Roger stole his candy and opened the box to take a few chocolate pieces as the feature began. The only film either was interested in was 'The Enforcer.' Roger had seen it in America with Jo when he and Brian weren't together. He said he would see it again and the film wasn't as exciting the second time around. He was more interested in the popcorn to be honest.

The film soon lost Roger's attention as he waited for the next big action sequence to occur. He thought about the time he saw it with Jo in Chicago and his mind drifted to their conversation earlier that day about how to have another baby. Roger was perplexed about how they could make this happen. He smiled to himself as he recalled the exchange about the ease in which a lesbian could have one of their own. He felt annoyed that it wasn't the same for him. For Brian. He thought about Chrissie's offer again and actually considered how that might work. But it felt impossible. She wouldn't give them the child to raise on their own and would be a constant presence in their life. It invited unwelcome tension and stress they didn't need. Brian had enough challenges to handle as it is. He stopped his thoughts to enjoy a gun fight scene despite knowing what would happen and focused on enjoying his popcorn before the movie finally ended. They got up and walked towards the exit as Brian took Roger's trash and dumped it as they left the theater. Roger kept the box with the remaining chocolates and they were both fairly quiet as they went to the car.

"Was it just as good the second time around?" Brian asked him as Roger started the car and pulled out into the empty street. He shrugged at him and focused on remembering the way back to the beach house.

"I guess knowing what was going to happen took something away from it.." Roger admitted and Brian smiled at him. He could appreciate that loss of the element of surprise. "But it was worth it for the popcorn.." Roger remarked and they both smiled widely at their mutual appreciation for the salty snack. Roger's mind returned to Chrissie as they made their way home. 

"Hey Bri...what did Chrissie say when you told her you weren't interested in her offers.." Roger suddenly asked Brian. It felt like a question out of the blue and Brian was curious what brought it on. He also wasn't sure how Roger was going to feel about the fact he hadn't called her yet.

"To be honest....I haven't told her yet.." Brian admitted right away. Roger took his eyes off the road to glare at Brian for a moment. He wasn't sure how he felt about the fact he never called her. "I was thinking it would be more considerate to tell her in person..." Brian hastened to add as he tried to explain himself. Roger's look softened a bit with the reason but still seemed annoyed.

"I get that Bri...but have you considered that she is probably sitting around waiting for you to tell her no and she could be moving on with her life?" Roger posed to him. Brian hadn't considered it and felt bad that he might be stringing her along somehow. He nodded agreement and sighed.

"I didn't think about that Rog....you're right...I should just tell her.." Brian told him as Roger turned down the gravel road that led to the house. "How many hours difference is it again between here and London?" Brian asked Roger as he pulled the car into the drive of the bungalow. Roger checked his watch and determined it was one in the afternoon in London.

"It's one in the afternoon there.." Roger informed him. Brian nodded to him as he opened the car door to get out. He waited for Roger and they walked to the front door.

"I can call her now since it's daytime..." Brian informed him. Roger was surprised at how eager Brian seemed to do this. Brian quickly opened the front door and turned on the lights as they went inside. Roger watched as Brian removed his clogs and went straight for his bag to get his notebook out. He barely had the keys to the car placed on the wall peg when Brian was sitting by the telephone and opening his notebook.

"I guess I'll give you some privacy..." Roger told him as he walked to the large French doors and stepped out on the deck to have a cigarette. He felt gratified at Brian's prompt handling of the situation but sad that an easy shot at a baby was going to disappear from his reach.

\-----------------

"Hello..."

"Hi Chrissie...it's Brian! Are you free to talk right now?" Brian asked her politely.

"I am yes.....how are you doing?" Chrissie asked. Brian smiled at her kindness.

"I am actually doing quite well...been feeling good and managing things better than before.." Brian answered honestly. "How are you?" Brian asked to be considerate.

"Excited! My midwife program started last week and it is just fascinating.." Chrissie explained. "I've already been reading some recent articles about current pregnancy and childbirth trends...it certainly has changed from when we were born..." she remarked to him. "You wouldn't believe how many single parents there are in the world these days.." she told him. Brian could imagine the number had increased dramatically with casual sex so predominant in society and more women having independent lives.

"I'm glad you are enjoying your studies... as you know...I love children and think your desire to help bring them safely in the world is quite admirable.." Brian complimented her. He genuinely felt this towards her and smiled as he spoke. "In fact...the reason I called is to talk about your offer regarding children.." Brian added to the conversation. His heartbeat sped up as he felt a bit stressed with letting her down. He was also disappointed he was choosing to walk away from the best chance at a child. He knows it is for the best. 

"Have you made a decision Brian?" Chrissie asked him in a straightforward manner. Brian did like the fact that she isn't a game player and can be direct. He swallowed hard before he spoke.

"I have made a decision.." he replied. "I need to let you know I won't be accepting your offer but I want to say that I am truly flattered and grateful to you for it..." There was a moment of silence between them and Brian tried to imagine what was going through Chrissie's mind. It had been over a month since she left and he realized that was a long time to keep her waiting. Maybe she was disappointed, but maybe she is relieved.

"So you and Roger have truly reconciled?" Chrissie asked him. 

"Yes...and I firmly believe it is permanent....I want to spend my life with him..." Brian told her with conviction. There was silence again and Brian pondered her thoughts.

"I have to admit I'm actually relieved..." Chrissie announced to him and Brian was immediately comforted by her words.

"Really?" he asked in a disbelieving voice. "Sorry...I just thought I might upset you and I'm glad you aren't disappointed..." Brian explained to her. He heard her laugh lightly at his jumble of words. 

"To be honest Brian...I met someone..." she confessed. Brian's face lit up with happiness at her news. 

"Chrissie...that's wonderful! Lovely..." Brian replied with a wide smile. He actually was happy to hear she had found a love interest. She is a sweet caring person and deserves happiness and love. Chrissie laughed warmly again at Brian's response.

"The funny thing is you know him!" Chrissie told him and Brian found this amazing. "It's Doctor Roberts!" she revealed. Brian's mouth hung open in surprise and delight.

"Chrissie! How serendipitous!" he exclaimed to her. Brian laughed joyfully at the news. "He is a fine man and has admirable qualities....congratulations!" 

"Thank you Brian! I actually haven't gone out with him yet. I told him I needed to get settled in my studies. I really needed to talk to you first and gauge where you were at with your decision.." she explained to Brian. "I do still feel something for you Brian... but I can see now with time and consideration...it helped me see that we are not really a good match for each other...our lives are so different....and...I don't think I could be with you if you remained in the group with Roger....so all's well that ends well..." she told him in a carefree tone.

"I think you said everything that needs to be said Chrissie...and you're right...all is well...for both of us..." Brian eagerly concurred. He wasn't disappointed in the least with Chrissie's admission that they weren't going to work out. It was the reality of their very different lives.

"I hope you will call Dr. Roberts today and make a date....and please keep me posted...I am really happy for you Chrissie..." Brian said to her warmly. 

"Thank you Brian....that means a lot..." Chrissie told him honestly. She was so thrilled that Brian wasn't upset with her news and that it seemed like they could remain friends. "I will let you know how things go....when do you get home?" she asked him.

"We arrive back on the 22nd...I will call you when I get home..." he informed her. 

"Tell Roger I said hello and I hope the rest of the tour is successful..." Chrissie expressed with heartfelt sentiment.

"I will Chrissie...thanks...take care..." Brian told her as he hung up the phone. Brian sighed with a mix of happiness and sadness as he got up from the chair and walked to the kitchen. He poured himself and Roger each a glass of whiskey and took them in his hand as he walked out to the deck. He tapped on the glass and Roger saw him and opened the door for him. Brian stepped out and handed Roger a glass as he finished a cigarette.

"How did it go?" Roger asked tentatively as he sipped the whiskey and savored the warm burn down his throat. He saw an odd expression on Brian's face and felt a little anxious.

"She met someone else..." Brian told him casually as he took a drink from his glass. Roger's eyes grew large as he ingested the news.

"Wait! Who could she meet that is better than you?" Roger asked him in a disbelieving tone. Brian smiled and laughed.

"Well Rog....the old adage is true....nurses like doctors..." he mused to his partner. Roger laughed and then pondered what they say about rock stars.

"Who do rock stars like then?" Roger asked him with a hint of amusement. Brian snickered at him.

"Anyone whose willing...." he joked and Roger laughed as they clinked their glasses together and then downed the remnants of their whisky.


	60. Future Management - Part 1

22nd April 1976

London

Brian's POV

"My ear and my head are killing me..." Roger informed me as we left the customs area of the airport and headed for the exit. He had kept his sunglasses on to manage the glare of the bright lights in the customs section. It was irritating after being in a dark airplane cabin so long. His ear had been bothering him since we swam in the ocean on our little break.

"We'll be home soon and you can lay down.." I told him as he made our way down the walkway. I was grateful our luggage was being handled for us and would be delivered to the house tomorrow. It was such a long journey home from Australia and our flight had been delayed leaving from our fuel stop in India. We arrived in London five hours later than scheduled. I was completely turned around on what time of day it is and what it felt like it should be. We are both tired. We arrived at the exit area and found a uniformed man holding up a sign that read May/Taylor on it. I waived to him and he nodded as he approached us.

"Are you Mr. May and Mr. Taylor?" he asked me. 

"Yes.." he smiled and began walking us out of the exit doors. We followed him to a dark grey Rolls Royce. It felt quite ostentatious to travel in this type of vehicle. I guess John Reid only travels in style. Roger and I shared raised eyebrows as we slipped in the backseat. The driver got in and began our journey to Fulham.

"You gents are in that band aren't ya?" the driver asked us. He had a distinct East end accent.

"Yes...we're in Queen..." I replied to him and he grinned widely in the rear view mirror at me. 

"I saw you on the telly....your big song! Congrats on being #1!" he said to us with enthusiasm. I smiled and Roger tried to provide a semblance of acknowledgement. I could see his headache was causing him real pain. His ear made him irritable. 

"Thanks...it's quite exciting...but we are exhausted to be honest...been on tour for months.." I informed him. He seemed to get the message that we aren't in a talkative mood and resumed his focus on the road. I was grateful. It was a silent drive until we reached our house. He pulled up to the curb as the driveway had both our cars and he then got out to open the door for us. Roger slid out and thanked him as I grabbed my bag and stood on the sidewalk.

"Good luck gents..." the driver said to us as he got back in the car and left. Roger was halfway to the front door when I started my own path there. It was nighttime but I hadn't even bothered to check my watch since I needed to reset the time zone. Roger had the front door open and was inside as I crossed the threshold. He dumped his flight bag by the stairs and pulled off his jacket. I took it from him and he nodded thanks as he climbed the stairs in silence. Clare came walking out of her bedroom when she heard us and looked like she had been asleep for a while. 

"You're late..." she said to us softly. Roger walked over and kissed her head and hugged her briefly.

"Hey Bear....I need a shower and some paracetamol..." he informed her as he pulled away and headed into our bedroom. I climbed up the stairs and pulled Clare into a big hug.

"Our flight was delayed when we re-fueled..." I explained and kissed her cheek as we parted. "It's good to see you..." I told her as we looked each other over. "Sorry about Rog....he has a bad headache and an earache.." I explained. She nodded understanding and watched as I walked to Tiger Lily's door. I gently opened it and peeked inside. The room was lit by moonlight and I crept in to get a look at her. She was sound asleep and curled up on her side on her cot. She looked absolutely precious and a calm smile broke out on my face as I slipped back out of her room. Clare was headed back into her room and I went into mine and dumped my bag on the floor. I was exhausted and looked forward to sleeping in my own bed. I reached down and grabbed my medication from my bag and headed for the bathroom. I set them on the shelf as I saw Roger in the shower. He had a bottle of pain reliever set out so I knew he already took something for his pain. I quickly took my dosage and brushed my teeth. I went back into the room and peeled off my travel clothes and dumped them in the hamper. It felt nice to reach into my own dresser for some sleep wear and I got dressed. I was under the blanket and fast asleep before Roger even made it to bed.

\-----------------------

Clare's POV

Tiger Lily had no idea how late the guys arrived home but she was up at her regular time and ready for a new day. I got up with my alarm clock and showered and headed straight for her room. She was already awake and was standing in her cot waiting for me.

"Morning Tiger!" I called to her as I came inside. She had her usual wide smile for me as she bounced excitedly on her feet for me to pick her up and set her free. I kissed her cheek and set her down on the floor as I walked over to get her a new nappy and fresh clothes. She ran about the room and babbled words at me and I laughed at her ever cheerful demeanor. She is an incessantly happy child. I swooped her up after a minute and got her settled on the changing table and get her diapered and dressed. 

"Guess who came home last night?" I asked her as I finished buttoning her shirt. "Your Papa and your Brimi!" I exclaimed to her and she opened her eyes wide and I mirrored her action. "Yes! They are back!" She clapped her hands excitedly.

"Papa!" she repeated back to me and I nodded and smiled. 

"And Brimi!" I added and she kicked her legs out and squealed with delight.

"Bihmee!" she shouted as she kicked. I laughed at her reaction as I sat her up to comb her hair. We chattered on about them as I set her down on the floor and threw away her soiled nappy and wipes. She ran for the closed door and tried to reach the door handle.

"Hang on!" I told her as I came up behind her. "We need to wait for them to wake up so let's be quiet, okay?" I asked her as I placed my finger over my mouth. She did the same and made a 'shush' sound just like I did and I wanted to giggle at how cute it was. I gently opened the door and she burst out running before I could stop her and ran to their door. She began knocking on their door before I reached her. She slapped her pudgy hand at the wooden surface and it was surprisingly loud.

"Papa!" she shouted as she tapped. "Bihmee!" I came up and gently pulled her hand away and made the 'shush' sound at her as I put my finger over my mouth. She repeated it to me but turned to slap the door again. I picked her up and turned to head down the stairs when the bedroom door opened and Brian came out and closed the door behind him. His face lit up as he saw me put Tiger Lily down and she ran into his arms. He swooped her up and smiled at her as he pressed kisses to her face.

"I heard you calling me poppet..." Brian told her gently as we both headed down the stairs with him holding her close and kissing her cheeks. Brian was still in his pajamas and his hair was wild but he looked better than he had last night. I'm sure sleeping in his own bed helped.

Bihmee..." She giggled at him as he spoke to her and she took hold of a wad of his hair and held it as we came into the kitchen. He didn't try to pull her hand away and it was surprising how gentle she was as she held on. He took a seat in a chair as I started the coffee and held her in his lap. They needed some time to reconnect. It was nice to have him attend to her as I made my morning coffee and something to eat. Breakfast was easy these days as I always had a bowl of cut fruit made up and she loved cereal or toast. Brian made something for them both and I sat and read the newspaper and nibbled my toast. 

"I need to call Dr. Roberts....Rog needs his ear looked at and I need to get my medications refilled.." Brian told me as he watched Tiger Lily eat some diced up pear. He took a bite from his own plate. 

"How long has his ear been bothering him?" I asked as I sipped my coffee. 

"About two weeks...it's better but not healed....it's been sore since he swam in the ocean in Perth.." he explained. He got up from the table and walked to the telephone to call for an appointment. I thought about my 'to do' list for the day and kept an eye on Tigs as Brian spoke with the doctor's office. He hung up the phone and walked over to get Tiger Lily out of her high chair. He sat her down on the floor and began cleaning up their breakfast as Tigs walked over to play with her toy kitchen set I kept nearby. 

"Did you get an appointment?" I asked Brian as he wiped down her high chair tray. 

"Yes...they had an opening this afternoon...I have to go get grumpy out of bed.." Brian said to me with amusement. He finished cleaning and picked up Tiger Lily. "I figure using her as bait will help get him out of bed.." he told me as he headed upstairs.

\--------------------

Later that day

Roger woke up from his nap so I was able to go into their bedroom to drop off some clean towels for their bath. He was sitting up in bed with Tiger Lily and he had one of his albums playing on the turntable. They were petting Squeaky as they listened to Rubber Soul by The Beatles on a low volume.

"Starting her music education already?" I asked him. I was surprised to see him wanting to listen to anything with his sore ear.

"I've been dying to play her my favorite records and my ear feels much better since the doc cleaned it out.." he told me as Tigs played with Squeaky's tail. "Careful with her tail Tigs.." Roger instructed her as he kept watch over her. "Where's Brian?" he asked me as I came out of the bathroom.

"He went to refill his prescriptions and pick up some things at the market.." I explained to him. He nodded understanding and I went to leave the room. "Hey Bear...." he said to me and I stopped. "Can I talk to you about something?" he asked me. I was curious what it was and took a seat on the end of the bed.

"Sure..." 

"First...I want to tell you that you are just an amazing nanny and Aunt and Brian and I both owe you so much....for taking care of her while we tour....shit....everyday...you are the best Clare..." I felt warmth radiate through me at his praise.

"Thanks Rog...but just so you know she is a breeze to care for and such a joy in my life..." I told him honestly. "I have to say this job has turned out to have some nice perks...so I can't complain..." We both could agree she is an easy going child and trips to America and especially Hawaii are amazing side benefits.

"Speaking of perks....we'd like to take you to a nice dinner....I know you like Italian so we thought we could go to that café we all like..." I smiled instantly. We hadn't been there since before Christmas and their food is marvelous.

"That would be lovely...yeah..." I replied as I reached over to pet Squeaky. "Tigs has never been there...." I pointed out. Roger nodded and smiled.

"The owner's wife will have a fit over her if she's there..." he told me. "We certainly have plenty to celebrate so a nice dinner is in order for us all..." Roger remarked. 

"What would you place on your list of things raise a glass to?" I asked him; curious what he felt his accomplishments are. Roger's expression turned soft and dreamy; which was nice to see. 

"Well...Brian and I for starts...getting back together and it really feeling like it's for keeps Clare....that's the big one..." Roger leaned over and kissed Tig's head and sighed happily. "Of course, this amazing girl and my favorite sibling..." he added as he winked at me.. I smirked at his lame attempt at flattery.

"Rog...I'm your only sibling...of course I'm you're favorite..." I snorted at him. We both laughed at our shared joke.

"Don't forget that I'm rich and quite successful these days Bear..." he reminded me as he wore a smug expression. I decided to poke fun at him.

"Oh! You left off devilishly handsome!" I teased. He looked offended for a moment and then waived his hand dismissively at me.

"Now Bear...that's a given..." he replied and I burst out laughing at his arrogance. He joined in and Tigs started laughing along with us even though she doesn't know what we are talking about. 

"Bear!" Tigs suddenly announced and I realized she had picked up on Roger's nickname for me. We both smiled widely at each other and then at her.

"Can you say Clare Bear?" Roger asked her and she looked at him with a curious expression. He pointed at me. "Clare Bear...." he repeated and she looked at me. 

"Care Bear...." she said back and we giggled as her pronunciation. 

"Well I do care..." I pointed out and we all laughed again. We calmed down after a moment and Roger got a serious look on his face.

"Speaking of care....I wanted to let you know that Brian and I plan to have another child..." he revealed. For some reason I wasn't surprised. I was aware of Brian's desire and knew it had come up in the past few months. Roger had told me about Chrissie's offer and his plans to thwart her efforts with Brian. I was interested to know if they were taking her up on her offer to have a child.

"Can I ask if this will be happening with Chrissie?" I said to him gently. He firmly shook his head at me.

"No...it won't. I asked Brian to decline her offer since I am uncomfortable with her being in the picture....she has feelings for him and it would just make things more complicated than they already would be....so no...it won't be her..." he answered and then a funny smile formed on his face. "I haven't got to update you on that actually... but Chrissie is now dating Dr. Roberts....so she really isn't trying to go after Brian now....but I still wouldn't want to accept her offer and I think it's off the table now anyway..." I was surprised to hear about Chrissie and the doctor. It was a nice surprise though.

"Dr. Roberts is a nice man....that actually is a happy ending for everyone...wouldn't you say?" Roger seemed to like my sentiment. 

"That's a nice way to put it Clare...." he remarked. I still hadn't heard what their plan was for another child and was curious.

"So if Chrissie is not in the picture....how do you plan to have another child? And are you asking me to nanny for it as well?" I really was curious. It certainly affected my future.

"We are trying to figure that out now...." he explained with a look of frustration. "Brian really wants to have one soon since he is almost 30 and he worries about his parents a lot...he wants them to be around...but adoption isn't an option and he would really like to be the father of the next child..." I could understand Brian's feelings. His parents are older than ours and since he is an only child, I can imagine he feels more passionate about providing them with grandchildren.

"So you need to find someone who is willing to have a baby for you and just let you keep it?" I asked him bluntly. He nodded to me.

"That's it in a nutshell...." he replied. "Any ideas on where we could hire someone's egg and womb?" he joked with me. "Particularly someone who won't reveal who we are and what we've done?" I could instantly see how complex this issue was. I felt bad for them both and wished I knew someone who would consider doing something like this. As soon as I thought about it I said the words.

"What about me?" I blurted out. I was shocked to hear myself say it but knew inside my soul I was okay with it. I wanted to do this. Why wouldn't I want to give my brother anything he desires? He is so good to me and my mother and has such a big heart. I also think of Brian as just the loveliest brother in law I could ever ask for. Such a tender and caring man and has proven himself a loving parent. My heart filled with an overwhelming sense of joy as I imagined giving them this gift. Roger's face held a range of emotions.

"That's....." he started off saying and I wondered what his next words would be. I could see the wheels turning in his head.

"That's what Rog?" I asked him and he left the inside of his thoughts to look at me. "That's wonderful? That's crazy? That's what?" I asked him again. "Just tell me what you are thinking...be honest..." I said to him. I really wanted to know. 

"That's the most beautiful thing I think I've ever heard in my life..." he confessed to me as tears formed in his eyes. "I can't even...." he went on to say and stopped as he wiped at his tears and seemed engulfed in emotion. "Shit! Clare!" he said and laughed lightly as he returned his gaze to me. "You would really consider doing something like that for me?" he asked me in a disbelieving tone.

"I would give you anything Rog....you've given me so much..." I told him honestly. "You and Brian both..." I said to him. I reached over and took his hand in mine. "You've always been there for me.....when things were bad at home...you protected me....when I got mixed up with that shit boyfriend...you sat and let me cry in your arms and didn't tell me what an idiot I was...you just loved me....when I wanted to move to London you were supportive and paid for me to relocate...you've helped me get work and let me live in your home....so much Rog..." I explained to him. He seemed to be unaware of all these things and seemed heartened at finding out he is a good brother. 

"I love you Clare...you're my baby sister...I would move mountains for you.." he responded in his natural brotherly way. I smiled and felt my own tears form at his lovely words. 

"And I would gladly have a baby for you my dear brother...." I replied with a loving smile. We both sat in silence and smiled at each other. Letting this soak in and only being interrupted by the child sitting between us.

"Baby!" Tigs announced as she listened to us say this word multiple times. I leaned over and patted her cheek as she babbled.

"Would you like a baby Tiger Lily?" I asked her and she bounced excitedly as she grabbed Squeaky's tail. 

"Baby!" she squealed and tugged a bit too hard on the cat's tail. Squeaky took off running from the bed and we laughed as we watched the cat run down the stairs. I sat and thought about the decision I had just made and loved the joy that spread over Roger's face as he considered it as well. Suddenly a hard fact in the case entered my mind.

"Ahhhh...I guess I might have one problem with my idea..." I said to him and he looked at me with concern.

"What is it?" he asked with a little fear in his voice.

"Ummm.." I felt really awkward having to bring this up but it was an important part of the whole idea. "I don't want to sleep with Brian....but how else would I get pregnant?" I said to him timidly. Roger laughed and shook his head at me.

"Clare....no...don't worry about that...I would never want you to do that...shit...I don't think Brian would either....no offense....it's just...you know...you're like a sister to him..." I was glad to see Roger understood my dilemma. I did see Brian like a brother and had no desire to do anything remotely sexual with him. It would almost feel like incest. 

"I'm glad to hear that...but how would I get pregnant?" I asked him again. Roger smirked and then looked me in the eye.

"Do we own a turkey baster?"


	61. Future Management - Part 2

April 30th 1976

London

Roger's POV

What do you do when your sister offers you the most precious gift possible? You take her out to dinner and celebrate - but don't mention this one big thing - that is the best possible news - to your husband as you toast other recent happy events over a wonderful Italian dinner. Clare and I raised our glasses to her amazing idea over dinner that night, but we didn't tell Brian yet because there is a lot to consider before we decide this is something we both want to do. If we decide it's not feasible then we don't mention it to Brian. We were both fearful that him knowing and it falling apart would break his heart. So we left him out of the equation for now.

And boy is there a lot to consider. I mean, my sister is going to be impregnated with my husband's sperm and then carry his baby to term and then hand it over to us. At least that was the basic idea of it all. We needed to go over this plan in major detail and make sure we are both on the same page with everything. I wanted nothing more than to accept my sister's generous offer but needed to know we wouldn't be damaging our relationship. I asked her to make a list of questions and concerns and I did the same. We agreed we needed to discuss them together and both felt a third party would be helpful to navigate it all. Clare didn't want to tell her best friend Alli anything about this idea yet. She felt it was too radical for her and she would shut it down completely. If we proceed with it, then she would inform her friend after she is pregnant. Alli does know about Brian and myself but has always been loyal to my sister and my family. They've been friends since primary school. She doesn't have a problem with Brian and I's relationship, but she isn't as open minded as Clare. We decided Jo might give us good insight and could be impartial. She agreed to come over for lunch one day when we knew Brian would be gone. Brian went to his parent's to do some maintenance on the Red Special and took Tiger Lily so Ruth could see her. Jo came over shortly after he left and brought takeaway with her.

She pulled her silver and black mini cooper car up to our curb and stepped out. She was the picture of spring time in a yellow and green crepe jumpsuit. She looked ultra chic as she glided to the front door and I met her halfway. She held up the bags from the takeaway shop.

"Hungry drummer boy?" she said to me in a saucy fashion. I laughed as I wrapped her in a hug and we kept our arms around each other as we went inside. Clare has never met her but has heard about her from me. I could see on my sister's face that she was a bit intimidated by her appearance. Jo is very much London born and bred and has the clothes and style to prove it.

"Jo Morris...meet my sister...Clare Taylor..." I introduced them and Jo held out her hand to Clare; who took it and smiled as she greeted her.

"Wow! My brother wasn't kidding! You're a true city girl!" Clare said to her in a meek voice. Jo gave her a dismissive gesture and smiled at her.

"I'm alright.....I must say Clare...there is no denying you two are related...it's lovely to meet you finally..." Jo remarked as we made our way towards the kitchen. Jo hasn't been to the house and began checking everything out as we went. "This is really nice Roger..." she commented to me. "You have a lot of space...ideal for your kid.." she added.

"We don't own the place...though it's tempting to consider buying it...but I want to wait for a place in the countryside to be honest..." I explained to her as I gave her a quick tour of the house. I showed her each room on the first floor and Clare got some dishes out for the Chinese food as I took her upstairs. "This place really needs decorating....we've just not been home enough to see to it..." I remarked to her. We walked through each bedroom and ended up in mine as Jo looked at our view from the window. I was next to her and she turned and smiled at me.

"My sister, Trisha, is a decorator..." she told me as she went and bounced on my bed with a light laugh. "If your interested...she could come over and give you some ideas..." she suggested.

"Not a bad idea...." I replied and she got up so we could head downstairs. "Does your sister have a card?" I asked and Jo smiled at me. When we reached downstairs she walked to her purse and pulled it out for me. I took it from her and slipped it in my wallet. "Thanks..."

Clare had our lunch arranged and we took a seat and began eating. We each had a glass of wine and talked about current events as we warmed up to the conversation we needed to have. Clare and I both already had our lists on the table and Jo reached over for them as we finished up our meal.

"I think this approach with your lists is the wisest..." Jo remarked as she read over Clare's list first. She glanced at Clare at few times which made my sister a little self conscious. Jo set the list down and reached over and patted Clare's arm. "Clare....these are very intelligent and practical questions...I think you really have thought about this...you are a smart young lady..." she complimented her. Clare looked elated at Jo's remarks and seemed to relax a little. I knew she would like Jo. She is so easy to talk to. Jo then picked up my list and for some reason laughed out loud as she read it. She looked my way and rolled her eyes. "Rog! You are such a man!" she pointed out in a condescending fashion.

"Yes....I've been told that a few times in my life..." I remarked to her. "I think my cock is a dead giveaway..." I retorted and they both laughed.

"Well...you wouldn't know it from your hair..." Jo threw back and we all lost it. After a minute of laughter, we all calmed down as Clare poured some more wine in our glasses and Jo cleared her throat. "Okay...let's get serious.." she announced and Clare and I gave her our attention. She had both lists laid out in front of her.

"I think we should start with how we actually get me pregnant before we even talk about what comes after.." Clare suggested. Jo looked at her and smiled.

"That is a good place to start.." she replied and pointed to the top of Clare's list. "So Roger...how do you see this conception taking place?" She looked directly at me with an interested expression.

"It doesn't involve sex..." I explained to them both. Clare blushed a little at my statement but I ignored it. "I read about a procedure when I was in university where women are artificially inseminated to get pregnant.....it means that instead of having intercourse the woman had a long syringe placed inside her and sperm was released in or near her cervix..." Clare's eyes grew large but Jo listened intently with no change in her expression. "It's been in practice for some time..."

"And is there a pretty high success rate with it?" Jo asked me.

"Yes...there were some good statistics on it since a lot of men came home from war who were injured and couldn't have regular intercourse but could produce sperm. This procedure was used to help them have children.." Both of them seemed impressed with my knowledge. It helped that I found my old textbook and my notes from that lecture but I didn't tell them that.

"So you would stick the syringe up my...?" Clare began to say and stopped herself and took a large drink of her wine. I worked not to smile at her embarrassment.

"I'm not personally going to do it...if that is your concern..." I replied. Clare nodded to me as she took another drink.

"Clare...I think this requires a women's touch to be honest.." Jo interceded. "Rog...hear me out...I see Brian providing the sperm and maybe it is delivered to a separate room where I can then take the syringe and help Clare get things started so to speak?" Jo suggested. I thought it sounded practical and realistic.

"That sounds perfect actually...Clare what do you think?" I proposed. She seemed to be visualizing it all and then took another drink of wine. I started to get the feeling my sister might be drunk by the time this conversation is over.

"I can live with that..." she finally announced to us. We al seemed to let out a breath and relax a little. I guess for Clare this felt like the worst part. Jo took a blank piece of paper and made some notes. She then looked over the list and checked off some questions.

"Okay...moving on..." she mumbled as she looked over the questions. "Let's talk about the roles you will have once the baby is here..." I wondered what Clare had asked about this. "Roger...you stated that you feel the baby would belong to you and Brian and Clare would be the caregiver in the same vein as she is with Tiger Lily..." I nodded agreement and looked at Clare to see her reaction. I could see a little concern in her face and definitely wanted to talk about it.

"Clare...do you see things differently?" I asked her. She did look me straight in the eye; which I appreciate.

"I guess I want to be completely honest and say that I don't know how it will feel to carry a baby and then also be a nanny to it and then possibly walk away from it after a few years..." she explained to me in a forthright manner. "My feelings are that I can do this....I mean...I can always have more children down the road with someone I'm involved with....so it's not like this is my one shot.." she remarked. I appreciated her honesty and was glad we are having this conversation now.

"Clare...I have no idea what that would feel like and never will...I want nothing more than for you to meet someone who is worthy of you and build a life with them like I have with Brian...and to have children of your own...I guess we need to talk about what happens if you can't walk away from the baby..." I said to her in a direct manner.

"Hang on.....we need to remember that Clare might technically be the mother but she will always be the Aunt...Am I right in saying this?" Jo interjected. I was happy to find Clare and I nodding agreement. "So there is no real walking away ever....she will always be in the child's life...just in a different capacity..." Jo spoke with such practicality and I was grateful she agreed to help with this.

"She's right Clare...I would never expect you to just walk away...you would always be in their life..just like Tiger Lily..." I offered. "If you find you can't be the nanny for emotional reasons...we can figure that part out..." I assured her. She seemed heartened by the fact I am not being rigid about anything. This was unchartered territory and needed flexible thinking.

"I do want to take care of the baby...especially since I brought it in to the world...I would feel like I had to make sure they get through the first few years alright..." Clare told us with conviction. "I just want to be honest about the unknown...I don't want to fracture our relationship in any way.." she confessed to me. I agreed completely.

"I don't either. That is why I am glad we are being honest right now...talking about these concerns openly....nothing to hide..." I said to her. She smiled warmly at me and seemed more assured about it all.

"Clare....Roger does have a note on here about legal matters....he indicates that he would like some papers drawn up with their attorney regarding guardianship in the event of someone becoming incapable of caring for the child or death..." Jo told her. I wasn't sure how Clare felt about this aspect of it. It felt a bit cold and formal. Clare's face looked serious.

"Absolutely...I would want that...the child would be mine and Brian's in the eyes of the law but I am clear about who the parents really are....that is you and Brian solely..." Clare assured me with a smile. "I think some guardianship paperwork is good to have to protect whatever arrangement we settle on... I hope you have something in place for Tiger Lily now...just in case.." Clare answered. I nodded to her.

"There is Clare....last fall Brian and I had some paperwork done with Jim, our attorney, to designate Brian as guardian if something happened to me. You are listed to be her guardian if we both should die..." I clarified to her. "As much as we travel...it's prudent to have this arranged legally..." I added. "And our money would go for their care...." Clare seemed relieved to hear this.

"I'm glad you have this Rog...I've wanted to ask a few times but wasn't sure it was my place...it's good to know.." she said to me with a warm smile.

"You can thank Brian for making sure we have our ducks in a row..." I told her. She didn't seemed surprised.

"That sounds just like Brian..." Clare remarked and we all smiled at his practicality.

"Speaking of Brian..." Jo announced. "Let's talk about him in this whole picture..." she suggested. We both nodded agreement. Jo looked over our lists again. "I think Clare has a very important concern...let's start with it.." Jo mentioned. I was curious what it was as Clare's expression grew serious. "Clare has indicated she has a concern about Brian's emotional well being.." I was surprised to hear this but tried to keep my mind open to her thoughts and feelings.

"Alright...what is it?" I said to her in a neutral tone. Clare seemed uneasy but she did look me in the eye.

"You know I think Brian is an amazing parent...he is the sweetest and kindest person...and his love for Tiger Lily from day one is a joy to behold.." Clare began. "I really don't doubt his abilities to be an excellent provider, parent and role model for Tiger Lily or the child we are discussing here today...but I have to be honest and say I'm a little concerned about his recent struggles...I mean...he got himself in a pretty bad place and he tried to hurt himself...." Clare voiced to me in complete honesty. She is right. It is a valid concern.

"You are right Clare....he did end up in a dark place and didn't tell us what was going on...so I can see why this would make you question if he would go there again in the future....I have that concern myself..." I told her bluntly. "I do know that he told me he would never try to hurt himself again because of Tiger Lily. And I believe him. Another child would just reinforce his resolve to make sure he is taking care of himself. He is taking his medication and we are trying to find him another doctor that won't have issues with us...." I explained to her. "He has talked to me about some things he would never really vocalize before so it's encouraging..." I tried to assure her. "If we decide to proceed, I am okay with having a frank discussion with him about his emotional struggles and how we manage this going forward so it doesn't cause problems with the children..." I suggested. I feel like Clare really listened and seemed heartened by my willingness to have Brian make some assurances.

"That would be great Rog...it would help me feel better about doing this...I just want to know that we are not creating more struggles for Brian...that he could really handle two children along with everything else and keep himself in check..."

"I will add that to the plan then.." Jo remarked as she made some notes for us. She finished writing as Clare and I both took a drink from our glasses and tried to process everything. "I have a question for you both..." she announced and got our attention. "How do you envision your lives while Clare is pregnant and then once the baby is here? Day to day things...not just the bigger events...." she asked us both. "Rog...you go first..." I instantly visualized it in my head and actually smiled at the thought.

"To be honest...once the baby is here...I just see it as Tiger Lily times two..." I answered. "As far as Clare being pregnant...well...that will be different...but I don't see it being a huge deal....I know Brian and I would make sure she gets the best possible care and doesn't want for anything...we are really making some good money now so that isn't an issue..." I added. I felt that was sufficient and saw dubious expressions on Jo and Clare's faces. "What?" I instantly asked them.

"This is the part where you are a man!" Jo replied with a smirk and her and Clare giggled at me. I rolled my eyes and made a gruff sound in response and took a drink of wine to console myself.

"Well tell me what I am missing then?" I asked them both. They shared a glance that spoke volumes and was completely about them both being female.

"So I get pregnant after a terribly awkward procedure involving Brian somehow delivering sperm to insert inside me....and then I might have horrible symptoms for months...you know vomiting, fatigue, moodiness, erratic emotions...not to mention being unhappy about weight gain and discomfort and having to think about delivering the baby at the end of it all.." Clare laid out it for me in plain English. I already felt a little naïve.

"Let's not forget that the world thinks Clare is Brian's girlfriend so her pregnancy is good for business from a Queen standpoint... but you all will undoubtedly head back out on tour at some point and possibly leave her alone for months...did you think about that?" Jo asked me and I shook my head. I had not even got that far in my thinking. I did feel a little bit inconsiderate.

"Okay...I get it...I'm actually clueless..." I remarked in an apologetic tone. They both laughed at my misery.

"Oh! I can't drink for probably a year and sex and dating are completely off the table...plus my whole wardrobe may not fit me when this is over..." Clare tossed in for good measure.

"And you haven't even mentioned how you explain all this to your parents..." Jo had to put the icing on the cake. I laughed out loud as I felt a bit overwhelmed by all of this.

"Okay...you've got me! It's quite complicated and the real loser in all this is Clare...." I owned up to the reality of what they are saying. "So how about I sweeten the pot so to speak..." I suggested to them with a gleam in my eye. "I will send on an amazing holiday with your best friend before you get pregnant. Drink, fuck and be merry for two weeks....just use a condom.." I threw at them. Clare's face was red and I laughed. "I will open your own bank account and place five hundred pounds in it tomorrow...hell...I should do this regardless just for doing what you already do for us everyday..." I pointed out to her. She beamed at me and her eyes were wide at the thought of being rich.

"Oh Rog!" she exclaimed and jumped up from the table and ran over to hug me. I know she's a little drunk so she is emotional. I am a bit myself. I accepted her hug and laughed at her gesture.

"So go on a nice trip and come back rested and ready...and while you are pregnant...if you are feeling up to it...come on tour with us so we can keep an eye on you and help take care of Tigs....alright?" I suggested. She smiled and wiped some tears from her eyes as she hugged me again. We finally separated and saw that Jo was watching us with a tender smile. I know she is pretty stoic so I didn't expect tears.

"How about just a week away? I don't think I want to be alone with Alli for more than that...I'd like to stay best friends..." Clare joked as she took her seat. We both smiled at her honest take on tolerating her best mate.

"Whatever you want Bear..." I replied. "And if you can't fit in your clothes once the baby is here..I guess I owe you a new wardrobe..." I promised. She nodded at my suggestion and Jo laughed as she wrote the words 'new wardrobe' in her notes.

We talked some more about the other things on the lists and made great progress in finding a middle ground where we both felt this was feasible. Jo was amazing and played devil's advocate more than once to make sure we covered our bases. We finished off two bottles of wine and came to the conclusion we can do this. Jo left after organizing our plan on paper for us and Clare and worked on sobering up before Brian returned with the baby.

"When do we want to tell him?" I asked Clare as I shut the door after walking Jo to her car. She was taking the dishes to the sink and seemed pensive.

"I guess as soon as possible...you are on a break from touring now...so it seems like the best time to go ahead with the plan...don't you think?" she remarked to me as she set the clean dishes in the drainer.

"You're right....we might as well tell him now...I mean he has a say in all this too...not just us.." I reminded us both. We both grinned at each other and I laughed as I imagined telling Brian our news.

"How do you think he will react?" Clare asked me like she was reading my mind.

"He will either cry or pass out..." I replied and we both laughed. "Either way...let me think of a special way to tell him..." I suggested and she nodded with a happy grin. "You decide where you want to go on a holiday..." I reminded her. She gasped when she remembered and set her kitchen towel down.

"I need to call Alli to figure out when we can go..." she remarked as she headed for the stairs. "Can I use the phone in your room?" she asked me.

"Of course..." I replied and she disappeared up the stairs to make her call. I decided to play some catch up on our large stack of mail that was left over from our tour. The bills had been extracted and paid but there was a lot of other things in the pile. I turned on the radio and took a seat at the kitchen table with a bundled stack and pulled the elastic band off to go through it. There were some invitations to events and I laughed to myself when I saw most of them had already occurred. I tossed those in a stack for the rubbish bin. I did find one for a listening party for a new group I'd never heard of that John Reid has signed to his agency. I put it aside and thought I would ask about it at the office. I found a lot of junk mail but was surprised to see a letter addressed to me that had the words - Private and Confidential. It had apparently gone to the Queen business office but was in a small stack of correspondence that didn't appear to be fan mail. The return address had the name Father McKenzie on it and I knew it was from the vicar that had married us. I quickly tore the envelope open; curious and hopeful. I found a letter inside and read it.

Dear Roger -

I hope this letter finds you well and I sincerely hope it finds your dear Brian healthy and happy. I found an address for you in a music magazine fan section so I hope it's alright that I write you. I marked it private due to the personal nature of my letter.

First - I want to congratulate you both on the immense success with your group. I have watched from a distance as you reached new horizons with your musical career. Your songs continue to bring me great pleasure. I have every album you have released. It is nice to see such lovely young men find the reward of diligent efforts and great talent. Bravo to you all!

I am making a grand assumption that since you and Brian remain in the group together that you are still - in fact - together. This brings me great joy! I fondly recall uniting you both in a life bond together and standing in the presence of god to celebrate the love you have for each other. It was a blessed day for all in attendance. Your continued relationship has provided me with great inspiration in my chosen work with the homosexual community in our dear country.

I did leave the church and retained my educational degrees so I was able to return to school to complete a degree in psychology and counseling with only a years worth of courses. I am proud to say I am preparing to begin a practice to provide counseling and resources for the gay population in London. Between the impact of meeting you and Brian as well as my own brother's challenges in his life, I am committed to helping those who can't find help elsewhere solely because of who they love. I wanted to send you a letter to let you know about my clinic and that I would love to know how you are both doing. Enclosed is my contact information and I welcome hearing about your lives.

All the best

Broderick McKenzie

I smiled widely at the lovely letter he wrote. I couldn't believe our good fortune. We had inspired him to become a counselor and we are actually in need of counsel ourselves. I couldn't wait for Clare to get off the phone and I couldn't wait for Brian to get home. I really feel like things are going our way.


	62. Future Management - Part 3

April 30th 1976

London

Brian's POV

I can't believe this song came on the radio while I am driving with my baby girl. I was tickled by the coincidence and decided to change up the lyrics to 'I'm Your Puppet' to better suit my serenade to my favorite little female in the whole wide world. It is whimsical and it feels fun.

Pull the string and I'll wink at you, your my poppet  
I'll do funny things if you want me to, your my poppet

I'm yours to have and to hold  
Darling you're in control - your my poppet

Pull another string and I'll kiss your lips, your my poppet  
Snap your finger and I'll turn you some flips, your my poppet

Listen, your every wish is my command  
All you gotta do is wiggle your little hand  
Your my poppet, Your my poppet

I'm just a toy, just a funny boy

That makes you laugh when you're blue  
I'll be wonderful, do just what I'm told  
I'll do anything for you  
Your my poppet! Your my poppet!

Tiger Lily was giggling at me and then trying to sing along in her own way from the back seat as I sang to her. I glanced at her in the rear view mirror and kept singing as I tried to get on Chertsey Road. There was some construction I wasn't aware of and realized I had to take a detour. I had finished earlier than planned at my parents so I decided to take a drive through the old neighborhood. It was a nice sunny spring day and I had my best girl with me so I took off towards the street where Roger, Freddie and I first shared a flat.

"We are taking the long way home today.." I told Tiger Lily as I found the street I wanted and headed towards Shepherd's Bush. "Want to see where Papa and I used to live?" I asked her like she could answer. It felt a little silly but I am in a great mood. My mother had made us a lovely lunch and my father had helped me with some maintenance on my guitar since the tour was over. It had been a nice visit all around and seeing my old room and my childhood home today made me sentimental. I kept the radio on and sang as we arrived on Sinclair Road. I drove down to the block with the old store front and our flat that was above it. I almost didn't recognize the building. It was painted a different color and was now a flower shop. I slowed down as I went by and peered up at the window for the bedroom Rog and I shared. It was open and the curtains were blowing out of it. I smiled as I thought of all the wonderful moments I had in that room with him. My heart felt full and I was so grateful to still be with Roger. "That was our first flat together..." I called out to Tigs as I moved on down the street. "Papa and I fell in love in that place.."

Since I was in the area I thought I would drop in to see if my friend Tom still worked at the record shop. It was nearby and I actually had time to stop. I made it to Goldhawk Road and found the place was still there and was open. I smiled as I found a spot to park. "Let's see if my old friend is here today..." I told Tigs as I got out and pulled her from her car seat. We crossed the street and went inside the shop. It still looked the same and the windows were filled with promotional materials for all the latest releases. I smiled as I saw a poster for 'A Night At The Opera' in a corner of the window. A bell rang on the door as we entered and a man about my age waived as we walked in. He barely looked up from the newspaper he was reading as I walked up to the counter. Tiger Lily was looking around at all the 7 inch vinyl records hanging from the ceiling by fishing wire. I thought they must look like they are floating in her mind and she did seem enchanted with them. The man saw me approach and looked up at me.

"Can I help you?" he asked me and I smiled at him. I could tell he was looking at me like he might recognize me but I played it cool.

"Yes...I was wondering if Tom Evans still works here..." I asked the clerk. He smiled at me and then I could see he must have recognized me by his expression.

"Wow! He told me he knew you but I didn't believe him....you're Brian May!" he said to me in a surprised voice. I smiled at him and he held his hand out for me to shake. I kept hold of Tigs with one hand and shook his with my other hand.

"Yes...Tom wasn't lying...we are friends.." I confirmed to him. "So Tom does still work here?" I asked again. 

"I would hope so...since he owns the place..." he informed me. I was surprised at the news but thrilled for my friend. I know my face must have shown my happiness.

"Is he here right now?" I asked. The clerk shook his head.

"No...but he lives about five minutes from here....let me give him a call because I know he would want to see you..." he told me as he picked up the telephone on the wall.

"Thanks..." I told him as he dialed the number. He watched me as he waited for an answer. I could see his eyes taking me in and then he began looking at Tiger Lily. She did look extra adorable today. Her hair is longer and little wavy on the ends. I had dressed her in a purple cotton dress with white tights and her pink converse shoes that matched Rogers were on her tiny feet.

"Is that your daughter?" he asked me. I had never been asked this before and suddenly realized I wasn't sure how to answer. She is my daughter but that information is really private. I felt a little deflated as I answered him. I realized I can't acknowledge her as mine in public. 

"She's my god-child.." I lied and he nodded understanding as he watched me hold Tigs in my arms and she looked around the shop. He went to say something to me but apparently Tom picked up his phone.

"Hey Tom! It's me...Frank...yeah....can you come to the store right now?" he asked him as he looked at me with a small grin. "Well....an old friend of yours is here...you probably want to head this way...." he hinted. "It's your old college mate...Brian May.." he informed him and a large smile grew on his face and I could hear Tom speaking loudly in the phone. "Sure thing boss.." Frank told him as he hung up the phone and kept his smile.

"He is on his way and said not to leave..." he told me with a smug look. I was happy to hear he was coming. I did want to see him again. It has been to long.

"I appreciate you making the call...I haven't seen Tom in a while..." I told him as he continued staring at me.

"I can imagine you've been a little busy..." he remarked to me and we both laughed lightly at the obvious thing we both know has occupied my time. 

"I'm just going to look for some records while I wait..." I let him know as I set Tiger Lily down on floor and took her hand in mine. She grasped my hand tightly and tried to swing around while holding on to me. I steadied her before we began walking around.

"Let me know if you need help finding anything.." he replied. I smiled at him and walked over to the area that had a sign indicating children's records. There was a selection of albums from Disney and classical music arranged for children. A few novelty 7 inch singles were displayed as well. I looked to see what soundtracks they had from Disney films and felt Tigs tug on my hand. I stopped and looked at her. She pointed at the record bin.

"Pooh.." she said to me. I glanced at where she was pointing and saw a soundtrack to 'Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too. ' I know she recognized the characters from her room.

"Do you want the Pooh record?" I asked her and squatted down to her level so we could look at it together. I pulled the record from the bin so we could both see it better. I pointed to the picture of Winnie The Pooh. "Is that Pooh bear and his friends?" I asked her. She nodded and smiled as she moved her tiny finger over and pressed it to Tigger.

"Cat.." she told me and I smiled as I knew she couldn't say Tigger yet but she knew cat.

"He is a type of cat...you're right.." I confirmed to her. She turned to look at me with her adorable open mouthed grin and I instantly felt warm inside. I was so glad to be home with her. I noticed someone walking up out of the corner of my eye.

"Are you from Queen?" a young girl asked me as she stood close to us. I saw she wasn't alone. There were two other girls behind her and they were all looking right at me. I stood up from my squatted position and they seemed to follow me with their eyes. I was quite a bit taller than them but they instantly smiled at me. "You are him! You're Brian!" she exclaimed to me in an excited voice. I could see the same excitement on her friend's faces as well. I kept hold of Tiger Lily's hand and smiled at them.

"I am....yes.." I confirmed to them. They all bounced on their feet and I wanted to laugh at their reaction. One of the girls standing behind the main one suddenly produced two copies of our latest single for me.

"Would you sign these for us?" she asked in a pleasant manner. I nodded to her and picked up Tiger Lily so we could walk to the counter to get a pen and a surface to write on. I had the Winnie the Pooh record still and laid in on the counter. The girls followed me and I saw one of them go to the bins and pull out a copy of 'A Night At The Opera.' Frank saw us approach and smiled as we came up to him.

"Can I borrow a pen?" I asked him as the girl laid her record on the counter. He nodded and reached under the counter and pulled out a jar of pens. I found a thin black marker and took it from the jar. I sat Tiger Lily on the counter and pulled the record over to sign it as the girl watched. "Do you want it personalized?" I asked her and she nodded eagerly at me.

"Yeah! My name is Noreen and that's Cilla.." she told me as she pointed to the other girl. "I love your records....Queen is brill..." she remarked as I opened the pen and tested it on the edge of a notepad. I kept watch on Tigs as I signed the records for the fans. I noticed her looking at the baby.

"Is that your girl?" she asked me with a curious look on her face. "I didn't know you had a baby..." she remarked as she kept staring at us. I noticed the other girls looking as well and one had a sudden change of expression before I could respond.

"Is that Tiger Lily?" she asked me in a loud voice. Her face erupted in a huge smile and she looked excited. I realized she recognized her from one of the pictures that had been published. Shit! I didn't think about running into any fans when I came in. It never occurred to me they would know who she is.

"She's my god-child..." was all I said and immediately picked her up from the counter and held her close to me. The girls were all glaring at us now and I literally felt them closing in on us physically as I stood trapped by the counter behind me. My heart rate shot up. 

"That is her!" one of the girls announced and they all got closer. I wrapped my arm around my daughter a little tighter and felt panicked. "That's Roger's baby girl...." she said to her friends. "Is that her Brian?" she asked again. "It is Tiger Lily?"

"Yes..." I finally spit out to them. I knew it was pointless to deny it since they recognized us both.

"Awwwww..." they all cooed at us in unison as they looked right at her. "She is so cute! She looks just like Roger!" The girl called Cilla reached out her hands towards Tiger Lily. "Can I hold her?" she asked me. I felt a desire to hold Tigs tight to me and run for the exit. I didn't like this situation at all. I wasn't going to let some stranger hold her. Even if she is a fan. I looked over at Frank and hoped for some help. Before he could respond the door to the shop opened and Tom came in. I was saved! 

"Brian!" he shouted and waived at me with a huge grin. I noticed his expression change and he saw that I was in a difficult situation. He quickly walked over to us. "Hey girls....can you excuse us please?" he asked them politely. They all looked disappointed in not getting more time with us but moved out of the way to let us walk by. Tom put his arm around me and we began walking towards the corner of the counter. "Let's go to my office..." he explained to me as he guided me through a door marked 'private.' We went inside and I saw it and remembered the small office with a desk and chair and a couch against a wall. He closed the door and I felt safe again and smiled gratefully at him.

"Thanks...I was in a bit of a situation out there.." I said to him with relief in my voice. I set Tiger Lily down and she reached for my legs as she looked over at Tom. Tom walked over to give me a hug.

"It's great to see you Brian...thanks for waiting.." he told me sincerely as we hugged. He let go and stepped back as he looked down at Tigs.

"Is this your daughter?" he asked me as he looked her over with a sense of wonder on his face. I beamed at him and nodded.

"Yes...she's my daughter..." I replied proudly and happily to him. "Well...she's our daughter...Roger's and mine.." I clarified to him. His eyes grew wide and he looked quite shocked at my information. He put his hand over his mouth and seemed astonished.

"How.....?" he asked me as he cut his own sentence off. He kept looking back and forth between Tiger Lily to me. She was hanging off my leg and trying to swing herself again. I steadied her with my hand. "How did you get her?" he finally asked me.

"Well...technically...she is Roger's...but we are raising her together....she lives with us..." I explained to him in quiet manner and then smiled. "Tom...I'd like you to meet Tiger Lily Taylor..." I announced with a smile. Tom seemed to be absorbing things better and looked down at her with a sweet grin.

"Hello Tiger Lily....I'm Tom..." he said to her in a sweet voice. She peered up at him and then looked back at me. I nodded to her.

"He's my friend....." I told her. She smiled at me and then look at Tom again. She seemed shy for some reason and turned around and held her arms up to me. I reached down and picked her up to hold her. She instantly grabbed my hair and held it gently in her hands as she laid against my shoulder.

"Bihmeee.." she said to me with a sweet smile. I noticed Tom watching us.

"Shit Brian....she really is yours.." he said to me with a soft smile. "Wow!" I smiled proudly as I cuddled her to me. Tom walked over and sat on the edge of his desk. He gestured for me to sit on the couch. I went and sat and kept Tiger Lily in my lap. "Boy...your life is quite different these days..." he remarked to me as he kept his eyes on me and the baby. 

"You could say that..." I agreed with a smirk. He laughed lightly and I remembered the news about him buying the shop. "I heard from your clerk that you bought this place...congratulations.." I told him. He seemed pleased to hear this from me and looked proud.

"Thanks...yeah...I guess it's the only way I know how to be in the music business....some of us never could master playing a guitar..." he teased and we both chuckled at his reference to both of our professions. He softened his smile. "To be honest....the owner was going to sell and I inherited some money when my father passed away. I wasn't happy with my other job and was facing a possible layoff anyway...it just seemed like I should go after what I really love and buy the place.." he explained. I had not heard about his father and felt awful that I was just now finding out.

"Tom...I'm sorry about your father....I hadn't heard..." I told him sincerely. He mouth was thin and he nodded to me as he seemed to try and hold his emotions in. It hurt to see the pain in his face and I couldn't imagine what it felt like to lose a parent. I dreaded the notion of it. I set Tiger Lily down and walked over to him and gave him a hug. I heard him gasp a little and pressed him close. We remained that way for a minute while he composed himself. He let me know to pull away and he smiled gratefully at me as I stepped back and gave him a sympathetic face. 

"Thanks Bri....yeah...he had a heart attack...it happened so fast..." he explained as he wiped his eyes in a subtle manner. I nodded understanding and patted his shoulder before I walked back towards the baby and sat next to her on the couch. 

"Are you doing okay? How is your mother?" I asked him. I knew both of his parents and hoped she was managing alright. He nodded at me with a better smile.

"My mom is a rock....she is handling it better than anyone else....better than me...." he replied. "So she's good...thanks for asking.." I smiled and nodded to him as I kept my eyes on Tigs. He looked over at the baby and brightened a little. "I do have some other news..." he informed me as he walked around to his desk and opened a drawer. "I'm glad you stopped in because I didn't have a current address for you..." he said as he walked over and handed me an envelope. I took it from him and saw it was an invitation. I opened it up and saw it was for a wedding. His wedding. I was thrilled for him and looked up at him with a huge smile.

"Tom! That is marvelous! Congratulations!" I said to him. He looked quite happy and leaned back to sit on the desk again. 

"I met Sandra about a year ago....she's amazing Brian....I knew I wanted to marry her after our first date.." he told me with enchantment in his expression. I took a peek at the invitation and saw the wedding was in a few weeks. Roger and I should be free to go. I then wondered if I could bring Roger.

"I should be in town on this date..." I remarked to him and he smiled. "Can I bring a guest?" I asked him. I could see a shift in his expression. I wasn't sure how to read it.

"You mean Roger?" he asked me. I nodded to him and tried to remain neutral. It is his wedding and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He has been open minded about our relationship but this is his big day.

"Yes...I mean Roger..." I replied as I saw Tiger Lily getting fidgety on the couch. I pulled her into my lap and wished I had brought a toy in for her. 

"Papa..." Tigs said to me. I guess she knows that Roger is Papa's name and we were talking about him. I nodded to her.

"Yes...we're talking about Papa..." I said to her and ran my hand through her hair as she wiggled around in my lap.

"Do you think bringing Roger is a good idea? I mean people will already take an interest in your presence...and...well...bringing him as your guest might spark questions..." he said to me in a direct manner. I understood his intention with his words and appreciated his candor. It did sting a little though.

"I see what you mean.." I responded. "Maybe I'll come alone..." I answered. "It's your day and I don't want to cause any more distraction than what my own presence would bring..." I assured him. Tiger Lily began climbing down from the couch and was trying to walk over towards a large plant. I reached over to grab her.

"I like Roger...I just don't want you put on the spot is all..." he pointed out. I nodded understanding but felt uneasy about his response for some reason. I got the feeling he didn't want us to come together.

"Whatever I decide I'll let you know...I would love for you to come see our house sometime...come for dinner....bring Sandra..." I said to him as I stood up and picked up the baby. I could see it was time to get her home. I got her in my arms and smiled at Tom. "I have to go...she's getting restless and it's past her naptime anyway..." I remarked as she grabbed onto my shirt collar and started pulling at it.

"I'd love to come for dinner....I guess if I bring Sandra I need to tell her about you and Roger then...I've never said anything to her...." he told me. "I wasn't sure what to tell her and since you're famous now....well...I almost felt like I shouldn't...." he explained to me. I appreciated his explanation but felt like he didn't want to tell her about his gay friend. I smiled and nodded to him as he walked up to hug me. We embraced but I made it brief. I was ready to leave as things felt a bit awkward.

"Let's at least have lunch one day while I have some free time..." I suggested. "We start recording our next album soon.." I said to be polite. 

"Yes...I would love to catch up on your adventures on the road....I'm sure you have some stories to tell..." he commented as he opened the office door. He looked outside and then nodded to me. "The girls are gone..." he informed me. We walked out in the store and he had me write my address and phone number down before we headed out. I almost hesitated in writing them down for him. I handed him my information and Frank picked up the album I had brought to the counter.

"Did you want this?" he asked me. I did want it for the baby but needed to get going. Tom saw what Frank was holding and walked over and put it in a paper sack and handed it to me.

"A present for Tiger Lily.." he said to me. I smiled and felt a bit better about our interaction. I took the sack from him.

"Thanks...that's really nice...see you soon Tom...bye..." I said to him as we walked out. I got Tiger Lily settled in the car seat and headed home. I didn't even turn the radio on as my head was swimming with thoughts about what Tom and I had discussed. I was happy to find my friend doing well for himself and finding true love. I did want to celebrate his wedding with him. As I thought about attending his wedding I replayed his comments about me bringing Roger. I know from a practical viewpoint that us going together might invite speculation. I had to admit to myself that it hurt me when he implied us coming together was problematic. I immediately wondered if he had said these things to sway me to come alone and if he was actually embarrassed by us being together. Did he really not have a problem with us or was he trying to coddle me? Is it just that he wanted me at his wedding because I'm famous? I hated the way all these thoughts made me feel. It seemed like I wasn't confident in what this friendship holds for me any longer. Why did simple things get so complicated?

My thoughts turned to his fiancé as I drove towards Fulham. Why didn't he tell her about me? Well, about me and Roger? Was it really because I am famous and he wanted to protect me or that he doesn't want her to know his friend is with another man? I felt a sense of shame cross through me that I hadn't felt since speaking to Dr. Fischer. All those things the doctor told me about society not accepting Roger and I poured through my head. He was right. They don't accept us and even people you think you can count on may not really be on your side. I actually wondered if going to his wedding was even a good idea. And I hated that I felt this way. Tom had always been a good friend. When he discovered my secret about Roger he had initially walked out on me. But he had come back and we talked and things were fine. I wondered now if he was not as accepting because we now have a child. I don't know. I just feel insecure for some reason. It all engulfed my brain and I wanted it to stop. There is a heaviness in my heart as I pulled up in the driveway and parked the car. I was glad to see Roger's car in the drive as I really wanted a hug right now. I opened the car door and pulled Tiger Lily out and walked to the door. We got inside and I heard the Rogers' voice coming from the kitchen. I set her down and she ran into the kitchen as I followed. Roger was on the telephone and had a huge smile come over his face when Tiger Lily ran up to him. He swooped her up in his arms and held on to her as he hung up the phone. When the phone was cradled he rubbed noses with her and she giggled at him.

"I missed you today princess..." he told her in a sweet voice and walked over to me. I leaned down and we shared a kiss. It felt good and comforting. Seeing him again and seeing Tiger Lily content in his arms felt soothing to me. I was glad to be home and safe in our sanctuary. Roger started walking towards the stairs with Tigs. "I think someone needs a fresh nappy.." he commented as he headed for her room. I remembered I left my guitar in the car and went out to get her. I pulled her out of the boot and noticed the wedding invitation and the album in the front seat as I walked by the passenger door. I stopped and opened the door to get it. As I went in the house I had an impulse to throw the invitation away and forget about going. I put Red up in the music room and left the invitation and the album on the piano as I headed upstairs.

That night I felt like bad company as Clare and Roger seemed to be in high spirits as we ate at the dining table. Tiger Lily had her dinner and fell asleep on the couch as we watched a program on the television. I wasn't feeling talkative and was still distracted by the day's events. I used the baby as an excuse to go upstairs. I get her settled in for the night and went to my room. I went ahead and dressed for bed and did my nightly routine. After taking my medication I sat up against the headboard in bed and pulled my journal out and grabbed a pen. 

30th April 76

Saw Tom today - he's getting married - does he respect my relationship with Rog? I'm not sure anymore.. things seem different

Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I wish I knew the answer...

I'm tired of feeling bad for loving my husband...

I closed my journal and sighed as I tucked it in my nightstand drawer. I turned out the light and scooted down to get under the covers. I felt tired and a little sad and closed my eyes. I just wanted to not feel bad anymore.

Roger's POV

I realized Brian had never come back down from putting Tigs to bed and wondered if he fell asleep in her rocking chair. 

"I'm going to turn in..." I told Clare as she watched a movie and ate some popcorn.

"Night Rog..." she told me as she spread out on the couch. I went upstairs and noticed my bedroom door was closed. Tigs' door was partially open. I peeked in and found her asleep but no Brian. I went my room and quietly opened the door. The light was out and Brian appeared to be asleep. I figured he was worn out from his day. He had been quiet all night and it seemed he was tired. I crept to the bathroom and got ready and then slipped in my side of the bed. I laid down and got comfortable. The room was cool from the night air and I pulled the blankets up over me. Brian was laying on his side facing away from me. I rolled over and wrapped my arm around his middle. I immediately felt him take my hand in his and I smiled. He is awake.

"You're not asleep..." I said to him quietly. I nestled my face into his neck and hair and savored the warmth and the fragrance of his shampoo.

"No...I'm tired but I can't seem to make myself sleep..." he told me in the dark. 

"Did you take your medicine?" I asked him. I hoped he had remembered before he got in bed. 

"Yes.....but it's not helping tonight....maybe since you're here now I can sleep..." he said as he tightened his grip on my hand. I rolled in closer to him.

"I hope so...love you..." I told him and kissed his head.

"Love you too..." he answered. 

I laid next to him and thought about the exciting news Clare and I had for him. I needed to come up with an amazing way to tell him. A wonderful surprise. I fell asleep fairly quickly despite my excitement. I only woke again later when I rolled over and was thirsty. I sat up and took a drink from my water glass and realized Brian wasn't in bed. I hoped nothing was wrong with Tigs and left the room to check. Her door was ajar but Brian wasn't in there. I walked quietly down the stairs and began to hear his acoustic guitar coming from the music room. I went to the door and saw him seated in a chair playing to himself. The room was lit by lamplight and he had a soft glow around him as he was hunched over his guitar. He was facing the other way and didn't know I was there.

Take heart my friend we love you  
Though it seems like you're alone  
A million light's above you  
Smile down upon your home  
Hurry put your troubles in a suitcase  
Come let the new child play  
Lonely as a whisper on a star chase  
I'm leaving here, I'm long away  
For all the stars in heaven  
I would not live I could not live this way  
Did we leave our way behind us  
Such a long long way behind us  
Leave it for some hopeless lane  
Such a long long way such a long long way  
Such a long long way I'm looking for  
Still looking for that day

I was enchanted by the melody he was playing and listened to his words as he sang. It was a sweet song but some of the lyrics felt melancholy to me. Only Brian could write such a sweet song with such sad words. I felt a pang in my heart as he finished playing. I didn't say anything and considered leaving without him knowing but he turned and saw me.

"Hey..." I said to him as he picked up his pen to writing something down. He seemed sad and I wondered if something was bothering him. I walked in the room and went up to him. "Is something wrong?" I asked him. He nodded to me as his face got a strained look and I saw he was starting to cry. "Bri! What is it?" I asked him and bent over and put my arms around him. I hated to see him upset and wondered if he had been bothered by something all night long. He has been awfully quiet.

"I'm sorry..." he said to me as he had his arms wrapped around my waist as I stood at the chair and held him. The side of his face was pressed into my chest and I held him close and ran my hand through his hair.

"Don't apologize for feeling emotional babe....what's going on?" I asked him gently. I pulled his head back to look at his face and wiped some tears from his cheeks. I hated the sadness that lingered in his beautiful hazel eyes. I wanted to wipe it away as well as his tears. I looked at him intently. Waiting for an explanation.

"Tom is getting married..." he told me in a quiet sad voice. I had no idea why this would bother him. 

"And you're upset about this?" I asked him. He looked into my eyes and nodded a yes to me. "What about him getting married is upsetting?"

"I got an invitation to his wedding..." he told me. "But it was apparent that we aren't welcome to attend together..." he revealed to me. I nodded understanding as I processed his words and his feelings from the way he said it to me. He felt let down by his friend, and knowing Brian, he probably felt ashamed about us.

"I'm sorry he made you feel bad...did he say you couldn't bring me?" I asked him for clarification. He thought for a minute before he responded.

"Not in those exact words....he just questioned if us coming together was a good idea...it would raise questions..." he said to me in a manner that confirmed Brian felt like he was meant not to bring me. "He hasn't told his fiancé about us either..." he added with a sour tone. I really felt like Brian was overreacting a bit and making some assumptions about Tom's intent.

"Bri...if Tom didn't flat out say I couldn't come with you...I don't think he said 'no' to you.." I pointed out to him. "Maybe you should call him tomorrow to clarify what he meant...I think you are reading into what he was saying..." Brian looked uncertain and I wasn't sure if he was questioning Tom's words or mine right now. I wanted to remind Brian of the practicalities of our situation. Particularly since we are well known in public these days. "We need to remember that we are somewhat famous now....you going alone is enough to make people curious about you....if we go together....it does invite questions....that is our reality babe...like it or not....you have to remember that we have to be careful sometimes and present something different to the world....it's a choice we both made a long time ago..." I said to him in a blunt but caring way. He listened to me and didn't seem upset with my words.

"I guess I didn't really think about that..." he responded in a quiet voice. "I guess I just took what he said to heart and took it personally..." he added. I smiled softly at him and gave him a sympathetic look.

"Tom is a good friend....he found out about us and stayed friends with you....he came around regularly when we were home more often....he is a good guy....you need to go to his wedding.." I assured him. Brian smiled at my opinion and leaned his head into my chest as he looked up at me.

"You're a wise man Roggie....." he replied back. I leaned down and kissed his head. Feeling good about helping him sort out the situation and his feelings. 

"You need to remember that no matter what the world thinks and what the world knows...we both know the truth babe...that inside this house there is a family and there is love...and we are a good thing together..." I reminded him. We shared an understanding look of acknowledging this truth. "If you don't want to go alone to the wedding then take Clare with you..." I suggested to him. As soon as I said this I had an idea. "In fact....you need to take her as your date Bri..." I informed him. He pulled back from my stomach to look up at me in surprise.

"Why do I need to take her? Why do I need her as my date?" He looked quite curious about my command. I smiled widely at him.

"It's important that the world thinks she's your girlfriend..." I replied and pressed his head back against my stomach. He sighed.

"Why?" 

"I have my reasons.." I told him and smiled to myself. "Let's go get some sleep..."


	63. Future Management - Part 4

18 May 1976

London

Roger's POV

Brian has no idea about our baby plans and I am glad. When we told him about Clare taking a well deserved trip with her best friend Alli he was in complete agreement that she needed a break and was excited for their plans to visit Paris. Brian had contacted the travel agent he used for our Tenerife trip and helped get the arrangements made. Clare was beyond excited and shopped for some new clothes using the bank account I had opened for her. Alli was soon on her way to London from Truro on the train. I drove to pick her up at the station and delivered her to our home. They were flying out tomorrow morning and Brian and I would be full time parents for the time she is gone. I would also be finding the right time to reveal our baby idea to Brian. I was still trying to find the perfect way to tell him. It was strange to have Alli in our home where it was clear that Brian and I are together. She knows about us but it was the first time she was facing it directly. We both found ourselves being conscious of our behavior with each other as we had dinner and tried to be good hosts. Luckily Alli was occupied with her impending trip and playing with Tiger Lily. The night went by and her and Clare turned in early. I was driving them to the airport so we decided to go to bed as well. We smiled at each other as we got settled into bed and anticipated the coming days of being real parents to our daughter. Morning arrived and Brian got up with Tigs and I drove the girls to the airport after their goodbyes with us and the baby. I came back to find Brian and Tiger Lily both dressed, fed and ready for a day out as a family. With no rain in the forecast we had decided on the zoo and we packed up the necessities for Tigs in her baby bag and took off towards Regent's Park in the family car.

It was a nice sunny day and we parked and got the stroller from the boot of the car and got Tiger Lily settled in it as we walked to the entrance. Brian got a map and we headed inside. We had considered having Brian wear a baseball cap to hide his hair and give us a bit of a disguise but we couldn't fit his hair in the hat. It was too bulky. We laughed and decided to just say we were two friends hanging out and that my sister was away on holiday if we were recognized. It was the truth so it felt easy enough. It felt nice to be ourselves and we strolled past the entrance and first stopped to see the owls. I got Tigs out of the stroller and we walked around to see the different species. She was not entirely captivated by the dark places where the owls perched but was curious about pretty much everything else. Brian got his camera ready as we headed off to see the otters. They were much more animated and she watched them excitedly as they swam and played about in their habitat. It was so much fun watching her experience these animals for the first time. Brian isn't big on zoos and captive creatures but he was swept up in her enchantment with the place. We crossed into the main section of the zoo and visited the apes and monkeys next. There was a lot of energy in the monkey house and we all adored watching a mother with her newborn chimp. Despite the hyper chaos around her the new mother sat quietly in a corner and tended to her little one with a gentle touch. Tiger Lily had watched with an opened mouth wonder as the baby was held gently by it's mother and carefully groomed.

"Awww....it's a baby...just like you.." I told her. She kept watch on the maternal encounter and Brian took a wonderful picture of her completely absorbed in the moment. I felt sad for a moment as I thought about Tigs not having her mother but shook it off as I remembered how much she is loved by us and by Clare. By everyone in her life.

'Awww...baby..." she repeated to us and we both melted a little watching her. We stepped away from the primate area and made our way to the polar bear exhibit. We were thrilled to find yet another baby animal on display. There were three polar bears and the mother and child were so cute.

The largest of the white mammals was pacing around his sizable enclosure and seemed almost surreal. The artificial atmosphere created an arctic backdrop but it still felt like looking through a window at him. I caught Brian looking at me and for some reason the song he wrote with Tim during our Smile days entered my head. I couldn't help myself and started to sing it to them both.

In the bright shop window sits the polar bear  
Makes the children's eyes light up to see him there  
Amongst the tinsel he gives everyone a smile  
To see him and he'll be a star  
Love him from where you are  
He's not for, not for, not for sale..

Tiger Lily stared at me with huge adoring eyes as I sang the song softly to her and Brian. Brian beamed at me as I made us both think of our younger days. When I finished Brian laughed lightly and shook his head as he seemed sentimental and amused at the memory.

"What?" I asked him as he practically blushed. 

"How long ago was that Rog?" he asked me as he kept laughing softly. Tiger Lily bounced on her feet at him and called to Brian. He picked her up and tucked her in his arms.

"Oh...let's see..." I replied with a questioning expression and tapped my finger tip on my mouth. He grinned at my antics. "Is that six or seven years?" I posed to him. He grimaced.

"Ugh...now I feel old...thanks Rog..." he remarked in a faked glum tone. I laughed at him as we kept watching the giant bears and Brian occasionally looked at me with a warm smile. I found myself grateful for this day with Tiger Lily. With Brian. Being a real family and sharing new experiences with her. We had both felt like being on the road without her made us miss important moments in her life. Sharing this together seemed like it was making up a little for those times. Brian kept hold of Tigs and we moved on to the next area as I pushed her empty stroller. After checking out the reptile house and an aviary we came across the sea lions. They were enjoying the sunshine and played about in their pool. Tigs was delighted by their activity and we stood and watched for some time. Brian handed Tigs off to me after a while to get a break and we eventually got her back in the stroller. It was the best possible day to come to the zoo. It was the middle of the week and the crowd was sparse. Most of the people here were mothers and caregivers and were just focused on their children and the animals. Only one or two people took a good look at us but didn't bother us. 

"Whose ready for some elephants?" I asked Tigs as we arrived at the elephant encounter. She had no idea what I was talking about but was dazzled by their size and movement. We got close to the railing and I held her up so she could see the elephant swinging his trunk about and eating some straw. Brian took some more pictures as we enjoyed the nice afternoon sun. Tigs wasn't interested much in the rhinoceros but they were just laying around in the grass and dirt.

"You like cats poppet....here are some big ones.." Brian told her as I pushed the stroller up to view the cheetahs. She stood up in her stroller to see and Brian pulled her out for a better look. He ended up sitting her on his shoulders and she became wide eyed as she saw the world from his vantage point.

"Cat..." she repeated to Brian as she kept watch of the animals.

"Finally someone named Taylor is taller than you..." I remarked to him with fun. He stuck his tongue out at me and Tigs laughed at our banter. We walked over to see the lions and Tigs was enamored of their regal poses and I saw they also had two new babies as well. It was definitely spring at the zoo. All these new babies felt so appropriate and I couldn't help but feel it was somehow a sign that our baby plan was a good thing. I watched Brian hold onto Tigs as she sat on his shoulders. He was so happy and content as he watched the lions and then glanced up at his daughter.

"Do you see the babies Tigs?" I asked her as she looked over at the lions. She turned to look at me with her precious face. "Do you like babies?" I asked her in a sweet tone.

"Babies..." she said to me and clapped her hands together before she planted her hands in top of Brian's head to steady herself. 

"Do you want a baby brother or sister?" I found myself asking her as we watched the lion cubs play in the grass next to their mother. Brian turned to look at me once I spoke the words. His smile was wide as he waited for her response.

"Babies.." Tigs said again and we both grinned at her answer. I felt a warmth spread through me as we walked the rest of the zoo. We finally reached the penguins and Brian pulled her from his shoulders as we sat on a bench to watch them toddle about their habitat. I walked over and bought us some candy floss as Brian showed her his favorite animal. He had worn his penguin pin today as he remembered I got it for him on our last trip here. They were so lovely together and I wished everyday was like this as I walked up and tipped the floss covered stick towards Brian's mouth. He bit a large chunk of it and tore it off. He chewed up the sticky goo and Tigs giggled at his messy face. I pulled some off for her to try and she took it from me and made her own sticky mess on her mouth and fingers. Brian pulled out some baby wipes and cleaned us all up as I tossed the remainder of the sweet concoction in the trash. It wasn't as good as I remembered. But this day was much sweeter. After leaving the penguins we saw the flamingoes and some other birds as we headed for the exit. We stopped in the gift shop and couldn't resist buying her a plush penguin and lion for her growing animal collection. We made it to the car and I got her settled in her seat as Brian stowed the stroller. We got in the car and I pulled out to head home. Brian reached over and put his hand on my leg as I drove us back to Fulham. It was a quiet and content drive as Tigs fell asleep in back and we made it home around 2pm. Brian carried her up to her room for a nap as I went looking for something for us to eat. I made us some sandwiches and we both sat down at the kitchen table.

"This is good Rog...thanks.." Brian told me as he enjoyed his lunch. He grabbed some crisps on his plate and popped them in his mouth as I watched him and savored his happy mood. My mind kept drifting back to the beautiful memories we made at the zoo today. I thought about all the baby animals.

"Could you believe how many babies we saw today?" I said to him casually as I leaned back in my chair. He smiled as he chewed up his food.

"I guess you can call it mating season...eh?" he remarked to me. We shared a warm smile as we focused on our sandwiches and I saw my chance to bring up the surprise.

"Speaking of mating season.." I replied to his comment. "Have you given any more thought to your baby plans?" I asked him casually. Brian got up from the table to clear his food dish and seemed to be thinking as he threw away his trash and began washing his plate in the sink. I got up and followed him to do the same and he looked at me as I stood next to him at the counter. He seemed a little sullen.

"I'm lost for ideas to be honest..." he told me as he rinsed his plate. "I have to admit now that Chrissie was probably my one real chance...." he said to me with a sense of resignation. I had to hide my smile from him but I didn't want him to sulk about it either. I sat my plate in the sink and put my hand on his shoulder.

"What if I told you that there is a way for you and I to have a baby?" I said to him as he set his dish on the drying rack. His face showed disbelief and then registered amusement.

"Are you trying to get me into bed Rog?" he asked me suggestively and ran his wet finger under my chin. 

"I'm serious....what if you and I could have a baby that is half May and half Taylor?" I asked him sincerely. He dropped his finger from my chin and almost seemed annoyed.

"Stop messing with me Rog.." he replied and reached down to get my dish to clean it. "It's impossible and it's not funny this time..." he said in a solemn tone. I took his hand and stopped him getting the plate. I turned him to face me and looked at him with a loving expression.

"But it is possible.." I assured him and pulled him away from the sink and took his hands in mine. His face was a mix of emotions as I gazed into his warm but confused eyes.

"What do you mean?" he asked me in a trembling voice. I could see he was becoming emotional and I didn't want it to be for any reason other than happiness. I wasn't going to play with him anymore.

"What I mean is that you are going to be a father Bri....and Clare is going to give you a baby..." I told him. I wished I had a way to capture the range of emotions that ran across Brian's face. He went from disbelief to understanding and then shifted into radiant joy. I wanted Clare to see what her offer had meant to him as he first learned of it. I could see tears forming in his eyes and knew they were only formed from happiness. A smile grew on his mouth and I smiled back.

"Please tell me this isn't a joke..." he said to me in a still shaky voice and almost gasped the words out as tears began streaming down his face. I widened my smile and shook my head at him as I kept hold of his hands.

"It's real babe...." I assured him. "It was Clare's idea and we have worked out all the details...when she gets back from her holiday...we are making a baby.." 

Brian's POV

"I still couldn't believe the words that left Roger's mouth. But he didn't seem to be joking. His face held a sincere look and his words felt the same. I gripped his hands tightly in mine and blinked back the tears that had rushed into my line of vision.

"She's going to give us a baby?" I asked him again. I needed to understand that I was hearing this correctly. That this was true. My heart was in my throat and I almost felt dizzy. Roger simply nodded to me with his warm assuring smile.

"She is Bri...she is..." he answered. I felt shaky all over and it was solely from shock. I pulled Roger into my arms and almost gasped from the reality sinking in. I tried to avoid giving in to the desire to openly sob about this. I worked to stay as composed as possible as I hugged him to me and cried softly against his head. My mind was filling with images of that fantasy baby Roger and I had mused about when we talked that day on the beach. Our silly dream of a baby that came from us both. It was utter nonsense then but now it felt almost real. Or as real as it could ever be. I ran my hand through Roger's silky blond hair and considered this feeling being attached to another child we would call our own. It felt similar to Tiger Lily's own soft hair and I smiled thinking about another baby with similar features and hopefully a similar temperament. It wouldn't matter though how much it looked like either of us. It would be as close to us as possible and that is all that counts. And it would be blood related to Tiger Lily. It felt perfect.

"Oh Rog! It would really be our baby and it would really be related to Tiger Lily...it's.." I said to him and had to stop as my emotions took over. I tried to swallow them down so I could tell him what I am feeling. "It's the most amazing thing ever..." I told him in whisper as I barely held on to my voice. 

"It is...." Roger answered me gently as he ran his hand up and down my back. "Technically it would be Tiger Lily's cousin but it doesn't really matter....it would be our baby....and Tiger Lily's brother or sister..." he confirmed to me. I tried to absorb it all and finally pulled myself away from Roger to look at him. We shared a tender smile with each other and I almost laughed from the joy that was filling my heart.

"Does your sister know she is the most generous and amazing person to do this?" I asked him as we slowly let go of each other and Roger slipped his arm around me and began walking me to the living room. "I can't wait to see her and thank her and tell how her wonderful she is....she is just.." I felt lost for enough adjectives to describe my feelings about Clare. About my love for her right now. My gratitude. Roger laughed gently at me as we sat together on the couch and I put my arm around him and pulled him close.

"She is pretty remarkable..." Roger agreed and leaned in to kiss me. I kissed him back and we smiled at each other as we sat in a haze of utter happiness. "I still can't believe she offered...we have talked about this at length so it's not something that is impulsive and without consideration.." he added. I was glad to hear they had talked about it. Had a conversation that was between them since they are siblings and so terribly close. I wouldn't want anything to change their relationship and was heartened to hear how maturely they approached this.

"I'm glad you've talked. I hope she feels like this won't impair your relationship in any way.." I said back. "She is such a great sister and of course the best nanny and Aunt..." I expressed to him. He nodded agreement to me and I reached over and pulled him into my lap. Roger straddled my legs and sat facing me. We both loved how intimate this feels and I laced my fingers together behind him to hold him in place as we looked into each other's eyes.

"You'd be proud of us Bri....we both wrote out our questions and concerns and sat and discussed them at length..." he explained to me. "Jo came over and helped us think through it all and come up with a plan..." I was surprised to hear of Jo's involvement but was grateful she was there to be a sounding board for them both. Despite my initial reservations about her, Jo had grown on me.

"And what brilliant plan did you formulate?" I asked him softly as I savored his soft beautiful features and the glow of contentment on his face as we spoke. He did look proud and I was proud of the maturity he is showing. Roger suddenly got an expression of amusement on his face and I couldn't help but smile at him.

"Okay...the funny bit is when Clare wanted to know exactly how you were going to get her pregnant..." he told me. As soon as he said this it registered in my brain that I would in fact have to actually get her pregnant. I felt my entire being shudder at the thought of having to have intercourse with his sister. I couldn't hide the cringe that crossed over my face. Roger burst out laughing at me and shook his head.

"Oh my god Brimi! That is the exact same look that Clare had when she asked me!" he told me in a loud voice filled with amusement and slapped his hand at my chest. 

"I'm sorry Rog but there is nothing amusing about the consideration of having sex with your sister...no matter the reason.." I pointed out to him. He shook his head at me. "You are both idiots!" he remarked to me as he tried to stop laughing. I felt a little offended by his statement to me.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I said to him and considered shoving him out of my lap. He got hold of himself and sighed heavily to brush off his laughter.

"You're not having sex with my sister...." he informed me in an assured voice. "You just have to provide your seed so to speak..." he added with a smirk. "You'll just jerk off into a cup and then I will put it in a long syringe and hand it off to Jo..." he explained to me casually. When he mentioned Jo I almost did launch him out of my lap. What the hell does she have to do with this plan?

"Jo?" I almost shouted. "Why is she even in this equation?" I asked him in surprise and dismay. I was already feeling a growing sense of embarrassment. Roger's amusement remained in his eyes and smile.

"I'm not going to walk in my sister's bedroom and hand her a syringe full of your cum Bri!" he bluntly remarked to me as his face grew stern. "Consider Jo as a delivery system..." he informed me as his face softened a bit. "I'll get your sperm and place it in the syringe and take it to her in the bathroom....she will then deliver it to Clare in her room and help her in any way she may need assistance to implant your seed inside her..." he said in a clinical manner. "It's called artificial insemination....I learned about it in school..." he boasted to me. I was impressed with his knowledge and after listening to him the plan did make more sense. The thought of cumming on command felt a little intimidating and I know I squirmed physically thinking about it.

"I guess that is the best way to handle things.." I told him to show him I agreed with their idea. He smiled at me with a sense of pride and then a funny look came over him.

"Tell me something..." he said to me with a curious look on his face. "If you had taken up Chrissie's offer...how did you plan to get her pregnant?" he asked me with a hint of unease. I had to be honest with him. I had only considered one way to do it. It simply hadn't occurred to me there were other options.

"Intercourse?" I replied hesitantly. An annoyed expression filled his face and I rushed to consider how to relieve it. "Rog..I didn't know about this option....obviously you would have told me about it and we would have gone this route with Chrissie..." I tried to assure him. He seemed to accept my argument and I could see he was happy again. "I never had any interest in her sexually Rog...please know that..." I told him truthfully. "She's cute but she's got nothing on you..." I pulled him closer to me and kissed him softly. I began kissing him all over his gorgeous face. I pressed my lips to his nose and smiled at him. I then moved my mouth back over his and he began to deepen our kiss. It felt special considering this moment between us. He moved one of his hands into my hair and gently grazed my scalp and I stirred beneath him. As soon I as felt the desire to take this further we heard the cry of a certain girl who had awoke from her nap. Our lips parted and we both giggled.

"And you want another one?" Roger remarked to me with sarcasm as he slid off my lap and moved to get off the couch. We both walked to the stairs to get our girl and Roger turned to me with the brightest smile. I can't describe the complete happiness I am feeling with him right now. To think a few months ago we seemed doomed as a couple. Now we have shared one of the best days of our entire life together and I couldn't imagine what the future would bring. It seemed like only good things. For the first time in a while I really believed the darkness is fading. I am finding my light again.


	64. Future Management - Part 5

27th May 1976

London

Brian's POV

"This feels weird to say but.....enjoy your date..." Roger said to us as we lingered at the door of the house. He was standing with Tigs in the living room and we were telling her goodbye before we leave. "Tell Tom congratulations for me..." he said as we went to head out.

"I will...see you later..." I told him and Clare and I left the house to attend Tom and Sandra's wedding. We walked to the car and I opened the door for her to get in and closed it behind her. I got in the driver's seat and we took off for the church in Shepherd's Bush where the ceremony and reception were being held. Tom had grown up in the area and had attended this church in his youth so I wasn't surprised he was getting married here. I didn't know Sandra's background but wondered if she was from the same area. I glanced over at Clare as I drove and thought her choice of dress was just lovely. She wore a yellow sun dress and a floppy white hat and some heeled sandals. Her blond hair was loosely curled and laid against her shoulders. She was excited to go to a wedding and was happy to be my 'pretend' date. Of course I couldn't forget that she is soon to be the real mother of my child. That is, once we actually do the deed. That deed being the artificial insemination Roger explained to me in great detail. She smiled at me as I returned my eyes to the road. Everything about the situation with us and a baby feels so surreal.

Once Roger shared the news with me about Clare's offer I was beyond happy. It felt like forever before she returned from her trip but I was grateful for the time in the end. It gave me a chance to collect myself so I didn't behave like a complete idiot when she came home. Of course once she arrived home I was over the moon to thank her. I had to wait for her friend Alli to return home and then as soon as she was on the train to Truro I was beside myself in conveying my gratitude to Clare. She took it in stride and reminded me she wasn't pregnant yet. She assured me she was going to the doctor for a full checkup before we consider making any attempts for the baby. I understood her wanting to set the right expectation on the whole situation and was grateful for her level headedness. For once I can rely on someone else to be practical while my head is in the clouds.

We arrived at the church and got parked on the side street. I checked over my dark blue suit to make sure it looked good and grabbed my wedding gift and camera. I took Clare's hand in mine as we walked to the entrance. The sun was out and it made for a nice Saturday afternoon for a wedding. I was looking around for anyone I might know and was surprised to see some old school mates in the church yard. I kept hold of Clare's hand and we walked over to say hello.

"I don't bloody believe my eyes....Brian?" a familiar face said to me as I approached. I hadn't seen Will in years. We had shared many hours together studying for our shared math and physics courses.

"Will Templeton...great to see you!" I replied to him and we smiled and shook hands. He ran his eyes all over me with an expression of disbelief.

"I think we can all surmise who wins the 'most successful' trophy out of our lot here today...eh?" he remarked to me as some other school mates walked up to us. I thought he was talking about one of the people approaching. He nudged my side when I didn't respond. "I mean you Brian....congratulations! Who'd have thought you'd end up number one on the hit parade?" he commented. I smiled and nodded acknowledgement.

"Thanks Will...though it is a group effort..." I reminded him. "I'd like to introduce Clare Taylor....Clare...this is my old mate from university days...Will Templeton.." I told her and they greeted each other. As other friends approached we began a succession of introductions as a few of them had girlfriends or spouses. I was relieved at how easy it was with Clare. Knowing her so well and living with her made this situation feel more natural. While it is a boldface lie that we are dating, she is in my life and I do have a strong love for her. It's just not romantic in any way. But the warmth and familiarity made us seem authentic to others. I did get asked several times about the band and my current life but they were just enthusiastic about my success and no one made me feel awkward. We joined the university group and made our way into the church for the ceremony. I noticed a really diverse ensemble of guests and wasn't surprised. Tom has always known a wide range of people and has many friends of different backgrounds and ethnicities. It is one of the engaging things about him as a person. The organ music began and I noticed Tom entering with the vicar and his brother as best man. They took their places and Tom saw me along with some others and nodded to us. He seemed confident and happy. Not nervous at all. The doors opened and the we all stood for the bride. I watched as her and her father entered and I couldn't help the huge smile that erupted on my face as I saw his lovely wife to be. I wasn't totally surprised but was heartened by his choice in love and in life.

Roger's POV

"Can I pour you some tea?" I asked Tigs as I held up the plastic tea pot and smiled at her. She gazed at me and bounced on her bottom excitedly as we sat on the floor near the kitchen. She wanted to play with her kitchen set and we had pretended to make some tea for us both.

"Tea papa...tea..." she repeated to me with an opened mouth grin. I placed the tea pot over her tiny cup and made a sound to imitate liquid coming out. "She squealed at me as I made a goofy face to go along with the sound. Her enthusiasm for pretend play reminded me a bit of Clare when she was a tiny girl and I smiled at her.

"Did you make us some nice cakes to go with our tea?" I asked her as she held out a plastic plate to me. "Thank you..." I said as I pretended to take one from her plate. The doorbell sounded and I set the toys down to go answer it. "Stay here Tigs..I'll be right back..." I told her as I got up from the floor and walked to the front hall. I heard Tigs get up to follow me. I could see through the leaded glass on the door that Freddie and Deacy were standing on the porch holding a box. I opened the door to them and put a fake scowl on my face.

"Sorry...no solicitors.." I said to them snidely and acted like I was going to close the door on them. Freddie stuck his hand out to keep me from closing it and rolled his eyes at me. I laughed as I moved to let them come inside.

"Fine friend you are...." Deacy mumbled to me in mock irritation as he stepped into the house. Freddie bounded past me as he saw Tiger Lily practically running for him.

"There is my precious princess!" Freddie cooed to her and swooped her up in his arms as she giggled at him. 

"Fah!" she called to him and he beamed at her. Freddie had Tiger Lily on his hip and looked her over as he swept her hair away from her face. "I think you need a haircut dear..." he remarked to her as he groomed her.

"Don't tell Brian that..." I replied to him as he looked around the house. "He wants her hair to grow out.."

"Where is the mother hen?" he asked me as he began walking into the kitchen carrying the baby. Deacy followed with the box still in his hands.

"Brian is at a wedding with Clare..." I informed him casually. "Anyone want some tea?" I asked them both and bent down and picked up the plastic tea pot from Tigs' play set and held it up. Deacy chuckled as I demonstrated it for them.

"I wouldn't mind a real cup...." Deacy told me as he sat the box down on my kitchen table.

"Why is Brian at a wedding with your sister?" Freddie asked me as I went to put the kettle on for some authentic tea for everyone.

"Well...number one...his friend Tom is getting married and invited him.." I replied as I filled the kettle with water. "And number two....we need the world to feel confident that Brian and Clare are seriously involved..." I added and Freddie looked baffled by my explanation.

"I know you use Clare as a decoy sometimes regarding you and Brian...but why do we all need to think they are engaged or something?" Freddie asked me as he sat down in a chair with Tigs in his lap.

"So when they find out she is pregnant with his child it will be completely believable..." I said to them casually and waited for a response.

"What the fuck?" Deacy said first and them tried to catch himself as he realized he said it in front of the baby. Freddie's mouth hung open as he glared at me in disbelief.

"Are you telling me that Brian is now fucking you and your sister both?" he asked me bluntly. Freddie didn't care that he said 'fuck' in front of Tiger Lily.

"Brian is not fucking my sister you sick twat..." I told him tersely as I slammed the mugs down on the counter. "That is....." I started to comment and realized I didn't even want to put it in words.

"Kind of like incest really..." Deacy remarked to us as he came up and took a mug for his tea.

"Exactly! ..thank you Deaks...." I agreed and felt like shuddering a little at the thought. Freddie seemed relieved.

"Thank god! I know you like some kinky shit Rog but the whole scenario that filled my head when you said Clare was carrying his baby made me cringe inside.." Freddie admitted as he physically demonstrated the shivers to us.

"Well she is going to carry his baby.." I clarified for them both with a deep smile on my face.

"I thought you just said he wasn't fucking her? Now please explain yourself..." Freddie demanded as he looked at me with absolute confusion and dismay.

"Fuck!" Tigs repeated to us all. We all turned to look at her and I tried to hide a smile but also knew this wasn't a good thing.

"Well great!" I told Freddie as he sat Tiger Lily down on the floor and she walked over to her kitchen set to play. "Brian is going to just love that!" I said sarcastically as I poured out the boiling water in the mugs from the kettle. We all giggled at the thought of Brian's annoyance at Tigs saying 'fuck' from now on.

"You can thank me later..." Freddie responded but returned to his confusion. "So what is this baby business with your sister?" he asked me as he took a cup from me. Deacy walked over with the tin of biscuits from the counter and took a seat. He seemed curious but remained silent.

"Clare offered to have a baby for Brian and I.." I began my explanation to them and told them the entire story of how this came about. They both sat quietly and listened to my telling. Before I could explain how we would get Clare pregnant Deacy's face registered confusion.

"I'm still not understanding how Brian gets your sister pregnant.." Deacy questioned to me as he sipped his tea. I smiled at him and couldn't wait to divulge the details.

"It's called artificial insemination..." I told him in a clinical fashion as he munched on a biscuit and looked at me blandly. "What will happen is that Brian will provide his sperm and I will place it in a syringe and take it to the bathroom. Jo will meet me there and then take the syringe in to my sister in her room and help her use the syringe to release the sperm near her cervix..." When I finished Freddie looked mortified and Deacy seemed amused.

"This I've got to see!" Deacy informed me with a gleam in his eye.

"You won't be seeing any part of it! I can assure you of that!" I informed Deacy as he gave me a devilish expression. I shook my head at him.

"Well that's not very romantic.." Freddie whined as he pulled some biscuits from the tin. "For god's sake...they aren't even going to see each other naked..." Freddie apparently was affronted by my description of the event. I pointed my finger at him with assurance.

"And it will stay that way! There is no reason for Brian or Clare to ever see each other nude..." I remarked to him in a firm tone. Freddie giggled at me.

"I know dear...it's just a terribly odd way to bring a child into the world....but good luck!" he replied and sipped his tea. I turned back to see Deacy was watching our exchange with continued amusement. I realized I had never asked what the box was about. It was sitting at the end of the table.

"So what's the mystery with this box?" I asked him; hoping to change the subject. He smiled widely and stood up to open it.

"It's a present from me and Freddie..." he informed me as he pulled another box out of the plain cardboard one. "It just arrived with Freddie's crazy shopping from Japan.." he told me as he showed me the contents. The words were in Japanese but the picture on the box told me it was some type of machine.

"Well..what is it?" I asked him; unclear what kind of machine it actually is.

"It's an telephone answering machine.." Freddie answered as Deacy opened the box and removed the machine to show me. "We all have one now...I can't have us missing important phone calls anymore..." Freddie commented as Deacy walked the machine over to the telephone we had in the kitchen. He moved some cookbooks over on a shelf to set the machine near the phone and began setting it up. 

"What important phone calls am I missing?" I asked Freddie as I watched Deacy grabbed some wires and pull a screwdriver and some wiring tools out of his pocket. 

"Well the calls from me...of course.." Freddie informed me with a Cheshire cat grin. "Oh...speaking of calls and me..." he said as he pulled a card from his ever present bag. "I have a new phone number dear..." he advised as he laid the card on the table and gestured for me to take it.

"Too many fans get your phone number?" I asked as I took the card. He and Deacy shared an interesting look between them and Freddie had an uneasy demeanor.

"Actually...I've had a change of address as well..." he said and pointed to the card. I looked and saw he had in fact a brand new address on his card. It was for a place at 12 Stafford Terrace. It was still Holland Park though. I wondered if the fans had found out where he lived.

"New flat Fred? Are you and Mary finally upgrading from your tiny place?" I questioned but the look on Freddie's face showed it wasn't that. He remained solemn. 

"It's a bigger place...yes...but Mary isn't coming with me..." he revealed. I wasn't entirely surprised by this news. He had traveled across America with his boyfriend David in tow and I'm sure news of it spread to Mary somehow. He had not been flaunting the affair but wasn't entirely discreet with our band intimates.

"I'm sorry to hear that..." I responded. "Are you two calling it quits?" I asked him plainly. He shook his head and gave me his best attempt as being nonchalant. I didn't buy it but would pacify him. I'm sure whatever happened between him and Mary to end their cohabitation was painful.

"It's like this...as far as the press and the public are concerned...we are together..." he advised me in a practical manner. "I guess it's like Clare with Brian...she's happy to keep up appearances for my sake....we are still best of friends.." he assured me. "We just both see the reality of our lives now and it's only fair she get a chance to see other people if she wants and being on her own will provide that option to her..." I liked how Freddie tried to slant this whole thing as being in Mary's best interest. He left out the fact that he would now be living alone and could now invite anyone over whenever he desired. I guess it's the best for them both. I can appreciate him wanting to feel he was putting her first. He does still love her.

"As long as you're still friends...that's important....I know how much you both love each other..." I told him with sincerity. Freddie smiled but opted not to answer and we both turned to watch Deacy make good use of his electronics degree.

\--------------------- 

Brian's POV

"I told you I'm a terrible dancer.." I remarked to Clare as she dragged me to the small dance floor in the church hall. She gave me a sad eyed puppy look that her brother, my husband, is famous for. I gave in and followed her to the edge of the floor and took her hand in mine and placed my other against her waist. "You'll probably regret this.." I informed her as we began moving to the song. She smiled at winning this battle. "One dance...that is all!" I added and she laughed as I gently took her around the floor. I tried to keep watch on my feet and relax at the same time. I always count on Roger to keep time and wished he was here counting in my ear. I smiled at Clare's absolute smugness. She liked winning. Just like her brother.

"You're not as bad as you think Bri...I believe you probably just overthink it..." she told me in a motherly fashion. "Just let yourself go and enjoy it...." she suggested. "I know you have rhythm ...I've seen you on stage..." Clare made me laugh with her practical wisdom on the matter. She does have a lot of common sense and is pragmatic in her life. It has made her a reliable and trustworthy nanny. I never doubt her ability to care for Tiger Lily. She took wonderful care of me when I was recovering from my surgery. I had no doubts she would take good care of herself while pregnant. Another reason I am grateful she offered to do this for me. For Roger and I both.

"Have I told you lately how amazing you are Clare?" I said to her as we kept dancing to the waltz timed number the deejay was playing. Clare rolled her eyes at me but smiled.

"Only about five times a day since I got back from holiday..." she answered. "I get it Brian...you're quite thrilled with my offer....I accept your compliment but let's be done with it for now..." she remarked and I blushed a bit at her calling me out for my excessive adoration of her. I nodded in defeat.

"Alright...I'll quit telling you...but I might have to start up again once you're pregnant.." I countered to her. 

"Fine! But remember... I could be a moody bitch and I might slap you if you get on my nerves.." she warned. We both laughed as the song ended and we pulled apart to walk back to our seats. 

"Alright .let's all watch as the bride and groom cut the cake.." the deejay announced to the room. We both sat down and turned our attention to the cake table. Tom and Sandra walked over and stood together as Sandra's mother helped them with the knife. They cut the cake and everyone cheered. I grabbed my camera and managed to get a photo of them gazing at each other lovingly before they picked up some cake to feed each other.

I grabbed my camera and managed to get a photo of them gazing at each other lovingly before they picked up some cake to feed each other

"Tom is a handsome guy..." Clare commented as we watched Tom and Sandra eat cake and drink some champagne. I noticed Clare was having another glass of champagne herself.

"I think Sandra is quite lovely as well..." I said back and I held up my glass and we toasted them. 

"Did you know Tom was marrying her? I mean that she's...." Clare asked me in a quiet voice as she leaned in towards me. I know she was trying to ask me if I knew Sandra was black. I didn't know but I wasn't entirely surprised. Tom had dated all sort of women over the time I have known him. More than one girl was black and I know he fancied Freddie's sister Kashmira at one time.

"I didn't...but if you know Tom...well...it wasn't a surprise..." I answered. "He has always had an open mind and an open heart..." I added. "I mean...even with Rog and I....Tom was shocked at first...but he did come around quickly..." I said. Clare nodded understanding and smiled as we watched them finish with their cake and sit down to open their gifts. 

"Did you wish you could have had a wedding like this? A reception with all the trimmings?" Clare asked me quietly. I was happy with the fact that Roger and I were able to have something. Anything. It was more than I had ever dreamed would be possible. I saw all the extra things here at this event as just that - extras.

"I have a lovely invalid marriage certificate and a secret album full of photographs.." I recounted with a smile. "I'm luckier than most in my situation..." I added. Clare nodded understanding. I was curious what she wanted for her long term future. If she wanted to be a wife, mother and traditional bride on her wedding day.

"Are you interested in doing all this someday?" I asked her sincerely. She glanced over at the couple and shrugged.

"Maybe if I meet the right person...." she answered. "Sandra is lucky she has a father she wanted to walk her down the aisle..." she commented. I wondered if she felt that wasn't something in her future. Her relationship with her father is just as strained as Roger's. 

"If you meet the right person....I am confident Roger will get you down the aisle.." I assured her. She smiled deeply at me.

"If he's still rich....I'm banking on him paying for it as well...." she joked. 

\------------------------- 

Roger's POV

"It sounds like you had a good time...are you glad you went?" I asked Brian as he undressed after returning from the wedding. I sat on the bed and watched him as he stood in his briefs and hung up his suit. Brian and Clare had returned and told me all about their 'date.' It felt good that not only had they provided a picture to the world of being together but also had time to bond some more. I laughed as Clare recounted getting Brian to the dance floor for a singular waltz. We talked a little more in the living room before Clare had retired to her room. I had put Tigs to bed a few hours before they got home. It was just the two of us in our bedroom. I had the radio on low. Brian shut the cupboard door.

"I am glad...yeah...it was nice to see Tom happy and settled....he deserves it.." Brian answered me as he walked over and took off his jewelry at the dresser. He kept on his Japanese coin necklace. We both rarely take them off. I reached over and took a large drink from my water glass. I felt a bit talked out after conversing with Freddie and Deacy and again when Brian and Clare came home. My mouth was dry. We had talked for quite a while and I had showed off the answering machine to Brian and Clare and even had Clare record the outgoing message. It felt safer just to have her voice. That way no fan could be sure it was our phone number if they discovered it.

"Now that Tom's wedding is over...I guess the next big moment in our lives is.." I left off the last few words as I knew Brian was fully aware what was coming this week. Clare would be in the best possible place to get pregnant during her monthly cycle. She was seeing her doctor Monday and would get checked out and know she is a good candidate to get pregnant. I had no doubts she will be okay to proceed. So now we have to face our first attempt at insemination.

"Could you be referring to us getting ready to make a new album?" Brian teased as he walked over to the bed and laid down next to me. He had a mischievous look on his face and I couldn't help but feel grateful he isn't a nervous wreck right now. Of course, that could change once we actually attempt to do this.

"Oh...I think we can agree we will be making something new.." I retorted to him as I leaned down and kissed him from my seated position. He smirked at my response and grabbed my head and pulled me into a better kiss. I let my body get moved to lay down next to him and enjoyed his surprise response to my light peck on his lips.

"God! I love the taste of you..." Brian murmured against my mouth as he deepened our kiss. I scooted down to lay flat and Brian rolled over and moved to hover himself over me. He smiled warmly at me as he gently kissed my mouth and chin. I could still smell the cologne he had worn to the wedding. It was light but musky and mixed well with his own scent. His long curls brushed against my neck and face as he kissed me. It was like feathers dancing on my skin and it almost tickled but tingled instead.

"Want a better taste of me?" I asked him in a sensual way and he immediately devoured my mouth with his and pressed his body against mine. Since we had engaged in a lot of sex since getting back together during the tour, we had taken somewhat of a break from this activity when we arrived home. There had been several times we snogged quite a bit and we are constantly intimate in other ways, but actual sex had not really happened. We had been pretty busy with other things. I felt like we were about to end this dry spell. The ache of desire filled me as Brian shifted his body and ran his hand up under my shirt. He caressed my chest and stomach as we continued our deep kissing and added tongues. I reached over and slid my hand into Brian's briefs and felt him already hard and ready. Brian stopped kissing me and moved his head up to look at me.

"Do you think we're okay doing this? I mean...I have to...you know..." Brian said to me with a look of concern on his face. I knew he was asking about the fact he would have to come on demand in a few days. 

"Consider this a good warm up..." I replied and he smiled at me. He moved to resumed kissing me but stopped again.

"Do you think I should go to the doctor like she is? Get checked out?" he asked me. 

"Well...you haven't been ill and we know you don't have any venereal diseases..." I reminded him. "You haven't been with anyone else have you?" I asked him in a light joking manner. He gave me a condescending look as a response. He them smirked at me.

"To be honest...there was someone else.." he confessed to me. I felt an immediate physical and emotional reaction to his words and then quickly realized he was smirking at me. I tried to shake off the shock. He was joking.

"Oh yeah? Who?" I asked him in a feigned curious tone. He smiled wider at me as he appeared to be remembering something quite pleasant.

"You remember that girl you asked me to sign an autograph for?" he answered innocently. I couldn't help the smile that erupted on my face. He was referring to our little role play.

"You mean your number one fan?" I said to him and he beamed at me.

"That's the one!" he replied. "I believe her name was Meadow..." he added.

"So you're worried that she might have given you something?" I asked him back. He shook his head and grinned at me.

"Not actually..." he answered and then looked like he had a secret and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "I took her cherry Rog....." he reminded me. I laughed out loud and he joined me. It took a minute for us to calm down and we both looked at each other with contented smiles and happiness in our eyes for each other.

"I love you Roger Meddows Taylor..." Brian told me in a soft loving voice.

"I love you Brian Harold May..." I replied in equal measure. Something crossed my mind as we shared our feelings with each other. I felt I needed to say this and didn't want to do it right before the big event. I wanted it to have time to settle if need be.

"Brian....will you promise me something?" I asked him. Hoping this mood wouldn't be broken by my words. 

"Anything...." he replied without hesitation as he gazed at me. I swallowed hard and forced the words out. I had to voice that inner fear now. And settle it in my head and in my heart.

"Promise me you won't fall in love with my sister..." I asked him in a completely serious tone. Brian seemed completely surprised by my statement. But he didn't shift away or remove his eyes from my own. His warmth radiated from the smile he drew for me. 

"A million girls can give me babies Rog...." he told me gently. "But there is only one you..."


	65. Future Management - Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't claim to know a lot about biology and medicine. Please forgive any incorrect information. My mother is a nurse and did verify that you can get pregnant with this process. She worked for an OBGYN office for ten years and on the labor and delivery floor of a hospital for ten years before that. Enjoy!

1 June 1976

London

Roger's POV

"We need to go or we will be late.." I told Brian as I kissed Tigs goodbye. I know Clare and Jo are waiting in the car for us and we have to worry about traffic. Brian gave our baby girl one last kiss and we walked towards the door.

"Thanks again for watching her...we'll see you tomorrow.." I told Ruth and Harold as we walked to the car. Brian was anxious about tonight but I was fine. Well, maybe I am anxious too but I wasn't going to show it. I needed one of us to keep it together. We got to the car and I slid in the driver's seat next to Jo and Brian got in back with Clare and smiled at her sweetly. He put his arm around her as we drove off.

"So it's date night I guess..." Jo observed with amusement and we all laughed as I drove us to the cinema. We were attending a special screening of our 'Live At The Rainbow' concert film and it was being used as a support feature for the film 'Hustle' starring Burt Reynolds.

It felt like an odd mix of films but I'm not an expert on marketing. We arrived and I parked across the street in a reserved lot. Brian and I got out and walked around to open the doors for our 'dates.' The girls stepped out and took our hands as we walked to cross the street to enter the cinema together. We held hands as we neared the crowd of people outside the venue.

"This is different .." Clare remarked as we reached the entrance of the cinema. There were some press people in attendance and we all heard photographs being taken. This is good. I need published pictures of Brian with my sister; appearing together in public hand in hand and looking every bit like a real couple. I slipped my arm around Jo's waist and saw Brian notice my move as we walked into the lobby. He did the same with Clare and we tried not to appear awkward as we looked around for the others. I quickly spotted Freddie and Mary and we made our way over to their group.

"Look at these lovely couples here tonight.." Freddie remarked to us in a half sarcastic way. I shot him a look of annoyance as he smiled wickedly at us. I could be sarcastic right back at him these days. He was here with Mary on his arm. Another 'pretend' date! At least Mary gave us a warmer greeting. She was dressed to the hilt and looked perfect as always.

"Hello all...long time no see." Mary remarked as she eyed my friend on my arm.

"Mary...you haven't met my friend Jo....Jo Morris...this is Mary Austin..." I explained as introduced them. They greeted each other warmly and we all stood around waiting to take our seats and had some bland conversation with a few guests. Some were from the press and some were from John Reid's office. A few were reps for Paramount Pictures. I have to admit this did feel a little more like the big time. I was grateful we had all taken great care with our appearance tonight. Not just the appearance of having girlfriends but also with our clothes. Brian had worn his black suit with the white satin trim and a whimsical t-shirt underneath that he got in Hawaii. His hair actually needed to be trimmed but I loved how long and voluminous it is right now. He used a lot of cream rinse and it's really soft and bouncy. He looks perfect to me. I put on my salmon colored jacket and a black silk shirt and had my hair blown out straight. Both Jo and Clare had complimented on how good we looked. Of course, I considered how good we looked together. Pretty fucking good in my opinion. 

Jo and Clare both had on full length dresses and Jo wore a blazer over hers and Clare opted for a crocheted shrug. They both looked amazing and we all took a glass of champagne from a tray as a waiter came by. A journalist approached us and we tried to act natural as the man asked us about the film. We answered his easy questions and then the usher announced we could take our seats. We went in the theater and got seated on our reserved row. The girls sat between us and a concession man came through and we took some popcorn and drinks. Deacy arrived just in time for the show with Ronnie in tow behind him. They quickly sat down next to me as the theater darkened. The screen came to life and it soon filled with the sounds of our introduction song 'Procession.' The screen showed our car pulling up in front of The Rainbow theater and we all piled out in front of the camera. Brian and I shared a funny look between us as we watched ourselves on the big screen. I hadn't realized there was a moment where I practically flirted with the camera. Jo nudged me hard during the scene and I laughed at her teasing. I guess it was a bit too much. We sat and watched spellbound as we performed larger than life for the entire cinema audience. I was relieved to find that nothing Brian nor I did on stage ever suggested anything between us. We were absolutely in our musical element. What I found humorous was that the real moment in the film that one might consider sexual between any of us happened to be Freddie and Deacy when they sang 'Liar' together. The way John leaned in to him when they shared a microphone felt incredibly intimate and the heat they generated between them was palpable. I hoped Ronnie didn't hone it on it as we sat and watched them have musical foreplay together on the big screen. The film ended all too soon and we settled in to sit through the Burt Reynolds crime drama. It wasn't too bad a picture but still felt like an odd pairing with our concert. Eventually the lights came up in the theater and we all started leaving as we shared comments about the film. 

As we left the cinema as a group my mind wandered to the bigger event that was taking place tonight. My heart started racing a little as I imagined what was to come tonight. We had decided on tonight since the four us were going out together to the preview and Tiger Lily would be away from the house. So tonight was first about appearances. Brian and I had talked more about the importance of being seen in public with our presumed 'girlfriends' since we are becoming higher profile. I had convinced him it reduced questions about our dating lives in general and staved off some women hitting on us. It also reduced questions about the fact that we share a home and were often together without the girls. We are planting seeds and need the world to believe Brian is seriously dating Clare and the resulting child is a product of this. I needed to be seen with Jo to create the illusion of my own love interest. Nothing could point to Brian and I being together and that the creation of this child was something that only came from the generosity of my sister and some applied science. Jo is the perfect cover for me. She is great company and Brian isn't threatened by her. We all headed back to the house in our car and the girls made a point of keeping the conversation light and easy. Jo and Clare have bonded in the past few weeks and it has made what we are about to do much easier to contemplate. I ran through a mental checklist in my head and signaled to Jo that we are good to go for tonight. We exited the car and went inside the house. I made my way to the kitchen and casually got some wine out for us all. We wanted Brian and Clare relaxed and in a good mood. I brought the four glasses into the living room.

"Here we go ladies..." I said to Clare and Jo as I stood in front of them with the tray. They both smiled and each took a glass. Brian grabbed one as he went to sit down and I placed the tray with the half empty bottle on the table. I took my own glass and sat next to Brian on the couch. I noticed Brian switch on the radio and turn the music to a low volume.

"I guess this is it..." Clare suddenly said and we all looked at each other and then burst out in nervous laughter. Brian was blushing slightly and looked over at Clare to see she was red as well. I know this is going to be embarrassing for them both but it is a necessary evil to get the end result. I saw Jo raise her glass up in the air.

"To life!" she announced loudly to us all and them smirked a little. "Or at least to the successful creation of one.." she added in a lesser volume. We all smiled at each other and raised our own glasses.

"To life!" we all toasted and took a large drink. I quickly finished mine and looked at my sister as she swirled the remainder of her wine around in her glass and avoid looking at anyone.

"So Clare...are you still on board with this?" I asked her directly. "You can change your mind at any time...please know that..." I assured her. I was glad to see Brian nodding his head to concur but Clare looked me right in the eye and then Brian and smiled confidently.

"I'm good Rog....let's just get it over with.." she replied and swallowed the last of her drink. She stood up and set her wine glass down. "I'm going to my room now....Jo?" she announced calmly. Jo set her glass down and glanced my way with a warm smile before her and Clare moved to leave the room.

"I love you Clare..." I told her as she brushed by. "Thanks again for doing this..." I said to her knowing that just saying this will never be enough. Brian appeared a little awkward as the reality of tonight's plan began to sink in. He suddenly shot up from his chair and ran towards Clare.

"Clare!" he said loudly to get her attention. She stopped and watched as he approached her. They shared a similar blushing expression between them as Brian leaned in and kissed her cheek as he held her by her forearms. "Have I told you yet today that you're amazing?" Brian said to her sweetly. Clare nodded to him with a huge grin.

"You have now Bri...." she remarked back and turned to leave with Jo. Brian watched them walk out and turned to me with a still blushing face and a fidgety demeanor.

"I guess we go to our room?" he asked me. I nodded and got up from my seat. We lingered purposely at the bottom of the stairs until we heard Clare's bedroom door close and then made our way to our bedroom. Brian walked to his side of the bed as I closed our door. He pulled off his jacket and hung it up in the cupboard. I decided to get mine put away as well and followed suit.

Brian glanced at the towel, plastic food storage bag, bowl and lubricant I had laid out on his nightstand. I walked over as he sat down on the bed and sighed. "Okay....so how do we this exactly?" he asked me with a hint of uncertainty. I know that all we have talked about was him providing sperm and focused mainly on how Clare uses it to get pregnant. We had managed to avoid a conversation about how he actually produces the sperm. We both know he has to orgasm obviously but never talked about strategy or a plan. I had been afraid to discuss it as I thought it would just make him anxious. It probably didn't matter. He is already anxious.

"To be completely candid....you need to ejaculate in this bag for me..." I explained to him. I picked up the plastic bag and showed it to him. "Aim and shoot!" I said to him and tried not to laugh because it does feel a bit silly. He eyed my improvised sperm container as I stood in front of him and his face reddened up again.

"So you're telling me I'm just supposed to wank off and them come inside this bag?" he replied. I tried to keep a straight face and nodded.

"That's it!" I concurred. "Do you think you can manage this on your own or do you need my help?" I asked him. I tried to read his face to see what he might be thinking. It wasn't clear.

"Hand me the bag..." he grumbled at me as he started unzipping his trousers. I smiled and placed the bag in his hand after he got his trousers undone.

"Want me to stick around or are you doing this alone?" I asked him again. I could tell he wasn't sure what he wanted. I walked over to the radio and turned it on and moved the dial to find something that might put him in the mood.

"Put on a record..." he asked me. I avoided looking at him and switched off the radio. I went to the turntable we keep in our room and looked through the stack of records. I found the White Album from The Beatles and immediately grinned. I pulled out side one and placed it on the turntable. I switched on the power and placed the needle on the last track. I turned to look at Brian as the song began playing and hoped it would inspire him. Or at least make him laugh and lighten up a little.

She's not a girl who misses much  
Do do do do do do...oh yeah  
She's well-acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand  
Like a lizard on a window pane  
The man in the crowd with the multicolored mirrors  
On his hobnail boots

"Really?" Brian scoffed as he turned to look at me. His annoyed expression was priceless! I couldn't help myself and started to laugh. Brian tried to look stern but a grin broke out and he shook his head at me.

"Well... for tonight...happiness is a warm gun Bri..." I pointed out to him. He broke into his own laughter and I felt relieved. If he relaxes it will go much easier.

"Bang bang...shoot shoot.." Brian replied to me as he laughed. I let the song finish as he pushed his trousers all the way off and then scooted up onto the bed and sat against the headboard. I replaced this record with "Are You Experienced?" by Jimi Hendrix. I know how much he loves this album and we played it the first time we had intercourse so I feel it might help the mood. Brian smiled at my music choice and I walked over to the side of the bed. He was sitting in his briefs and was still a little on edge. I squatted down by the side of the bed near and smiled.

"Do you want me to help?" I asked him gently. He shook his head and tried to smile at me.

"I'm a grown man Rog...I can do this.." he assured me. I leaned over and kissed him and he smiled as I parted our lips.

"I'll wait in the bath then?" I suggested. He nodded to me and waived the bag at me. I stood up and walked into the bathroom. I left the door open a crack and sat down on the counter. I had planned for several scenarios tonight and one did involve my waiting in here and having a smoke. I pulled a cigarette out of the packet I purposely left in the top drawer of the vanity. I found my lighter and lit up. The first drag is always the best and I inhaled it deeply. I wondered how many cigarettes I could smoke between now and the time he finished. I pondered making a game of it, but dismissed the idea and got up from the counter to look out the small bathroom window. I couldn't see much as the moon wasn't full tonight. I smiled as one of my favorite tracks on the album began playing. I started singing it softly. I kept singing and smoking and eventually stubbed out my remnant in an ashtray I had brought in earlier. I realized the song had ended and I hadn't heard anything from Brian. Three songs had played already. I wanted to ask if he was making any progress but was afraid to interrupt him. I quietly walked to the door and tried to peek out of the crack. It was the wrong angle to see him. I sighed to myself. Is this going to take all night?

Brian's POV

I had my eyes closed and was trying to let the music take me back to the first time I had sex with Rog. It helped but I was beginning to feel it wasn't enough. I had been stroking myself for a while without feeling like the end was near. I tried to refocus on the memories instead of thinking about reaching this lofty goal right now. But I started to feel like I was going to let everyone down. If I couldn't come...well...I couldn't have a baby. But the problem was that everyone would know. And they would know it was me. Shit! I actually felt myself groan from the thought of disappointing everyone and not feeling remotely close to an orgasm.

'Focus! Stop letting your mind wander and think about Roger's perfect mouth or his gorgeous cock or his lovely soft bottom...' I lectured to myself. I decided to picture Roger differently from the memory I had been using and think of something dirty and kinky to try and progress towards an end result. I instantly pictured him in those ladies satin panties he wore that one time under his stage clothes. Now that was a nice hot memory! As soon as I remembered it I pondered why he never wore them again for me. I started drifting off into ideas as to why he stopped wearing them and found myself losing steam. My hand felt a bit tired and my cock was starting to get a little tender from my abuse. I realized I was in danger of not delivering on my end of the bargain and practically froze on the bed.

"Brimi?" I heard Roger call out softly from the bathroom to me. I immediately tensed up and could see that this wasn't going to work. This was more than a one man job apparently. I sighed heavily as I stopped stroking myself and turned to call to him.

"Rog...I need you..." I called out as I felt it was time to surrender and accept his help. I noticed the bathroom door slowly open and Roger came in looking curious as he approached. I noticed he saw I hadn't finished and he seemed to avoid trying to show disappointment on his face. But I felt it none the less.

"Need a hand?" he asked me timidly as he stood by the bedside.

"Apparently...I need your hand or something else because my own bloody hand isn't cutting it.." I grumbled to him and felt a little deflated emotionally and a little deflated in my penile area as well. I couldn't help but notice Roger glance at the clock and I wanted to groan. How long had I been sitting here accomplishing nothing? So I did groan. Loudly. "Fuck! This is a disaster!" I whined to him and moved my tired arm across my eyes to hide my humiliation.

"Hey...." Roger said to me in a soft voice. I heard him messing with something near me but ignored it as I decided to become engulfed in my own little pity party about my inability to get myself off. I can't talk right now. I feel like an idiot. 

"I need you to get off the fucking bed right now!" he suddenly told me in a loud authoritative voice. I almost jumped from the change in his demeanor. His timidity was gone and he almost sounded angry. I quickly pulled my arm back from my face and sat up and looked at him. He had a stern look and pointed at the floor by the bedside. "Stand up right here and turn around to face the door.." he commanded. I felt like it was a bad idea to argue with him and pulled myself from the bed onto my feet and then turned quickly without looking at him. I felt him put his arm on my back and he pushed me down and bent me over the bed. My heart started pounding in my chest. I was a little frightened but also felt something else. Aroused? "You ready?" he whispered as he bent down by my head. Before I could respond I felt one of his fingers slide right into my bottom. Fuck! Roger's face remained near my head as he began sliding his finger in and out of me. It was heavily lubed and actually felt really good after I got over the initial shock of what he did. It actually forced me to relax a little. This time my groan was a bit more about something pleasant.

"Rog..I.." I was going to tell him how good this felt but he cut me off.

"No words! I'm doing the talking!" Roger told me sternly and moved his finger out and then quickly added a second one. I instantly felt myself harden up fully as he began moving his fingers back and forth and gently spread them as well. His mouth moved close to my ear again as I moaned. "I'm going to fuck you with my fingers and make you cum so hard your head is going to explode!" he grunted in my ear. I almost came off the bed when I heard him say this and he rammed three fingers into me at the same time.

"Fuck!" I yelled out and literally felt my cock twitch from his immediate contact with my prostate. I felt Roger move to stand behind me and he kept his fingers deep inside me. Every move he made felt amazing and quite helpful to be honest. I was confident he would get me off. I felt Roger start moving his fingers in and out of me again before he would slow down and press them firmly into my favorite spot.

"Ready to see stars?" he asked me as he leaned against my back and I felt him pick up speed. I simply nodded as I was afraid to speak again. Roger shoved me forward some more and began to really push in deep with his fingers as he leaned against my body. I was using my hands to support myself against the mattress and was starting to breath quite heavily. Most importantly I felt my orgasm starting to build inside me. But I let go of the thought and went with the feeling of Roger's body heat against my back and his breath against my shoulder and his fingers sending shock waves through me. Fuck! This feels so good!

"Rog...soon..." I whimpered to him as he kept at me. I heard the sound of him grabbing the plastic bag and suddenly felt him move his hand around to touch my cock. I felt him slip the bag over the end and he stroked me a little as he stroked my insides as well. My stomach clenched and I felt the familiar sensations of an impending orgasm. Roger didn't stop any of his ministrations and I almost cried out when he suddenly wiggled his fingertips inside me as he pressed into my prostrate. "Fuck!" I shouted and jerked forward and instantly felt myself unload into the bag. I moved my hand down to make sure the bag didn't slip off and helped Roger as I finished off providing my contribution for the big event. I sighed with deep satisfaction as I realized I was done and my body began to relax. Roger pulled his fingers out of me slowly.

"You done?" Roger asked me gently as he held the bag in place on my cock. I slipped my hand away slowly and nodded.

"Yeah...thanks babe..." I said to him even though it felt completely insufficient for what he had done for me. "I think I might owe you a really big favor.." I said in a breathy voice to him as he started to pull the bag off of me. I exhaled and went to stretch a little.

"Stay still.." he ordered as he held the bag and I felt him slowly pull away from me. I turned around on the bed and moved to sit but realized I might be a bit sore from his efforts and opted to lie on my side. I watched Roger lay the bag inside the bowl he had on the nightstand and then he turned to look at me. "I can think of a few ways you can pay me back for this..." he said to me as he winked and walked into the bathroom and turned the sink on. I was curious how much sperm I had produced in my contribution and leaned over to look in the bowl. It wasn't as much I as had hoped. 

"Why is it when we're having sex we make a huge mess but when you cum in a baggie it doesn't seem like much?" I said out loud. I waited for him to respond from the bathroom.

Roger came out wiping his hands with a towel and then handed me the towel as he picked up the bowl. "Trust me Bri...it's enough for what's needed....now if you'll excuse me...I have a meeting in the ladies room..." he told me as he began walking to the door. I turned to watch him leave. He stopped and opened the door as he held the bowl in one of his hands.

"Good luck..." I told him as he smiled at me and left the room. I turned and collapsed on the bed. Feeling sated and still a little embarrassed but hopeful this will all work.

Jo's POV

I was leaning against the wall and sharing an assuring smile with Clare as we waited for the signal. When would it come? Or more importantly, when would Brian cum? This seemed to be taking a while. I avoided looking at the clock and realized the record Clare was playing had ended.

"Want me to change the record?" I asked her as she laid on the bed with a towel over her lap. She smiled and nodded at me.

"Actually...if you could just start this side over...that would be grand...." she requested. I pushed off the wall and walked to her turntable and set the needle down to start the album over again. The song started up and I saw Clare smile and seem happy to hear the track. I realized for the first time we were listening to a Queen album.

"Is this their second album?" I asked her. She nodded.

"Yeah...I love it so much and I wanted Brian's side playing when I try to...you know.." she explained to me. I found it sweet and smiled widely at her as I resumed my place against the wall.

"That's a lovely thought Clare...does Brian know?" I asked her. She shook her head.

"No...just a little secret of mine to keep...and I guess you as well.." she replied. I would keep her sweet secret. I was thrilled to hear a loud knock on the wall. It was time!

"Finally!" I remarked with a smirk as I pushed off the wall and went to the door to open it. I looked back at Clare. "This is it! You still want to do this?" I asked her. I know Roger wanted me to double check with her so she remembered she could change her mind.

"Yes...go on!" she told me confidently. I slipped out of the room and headed straight into the bathroom next door. I walked in to find Roger standing at the vanity placing a plastic syringe inside a small towel. He turned to look at me with an odd expression.

"Does this feel incredibly strange for you as well?" I asked him as I tried to make him feel better. He breathed out heavily and laughed a bit.

"You could say that..." he remarked to me as he walked up with the towel in his hands. "Between you and me...I had to resort to plan B with Brian.." he informed me and we both burst out laughing. I wasn't surprised considering how long we had waited for the signal.

"I almost wish you hadn't told me your plan...now I have to look him in the face and know what you did..." I said to him as we chuckled together in the small room.

"Just keep it to yourself alright?" he asked as we both calmed down. He gestured towards me with his hands to move. "I guess we need to get on with it..." he told me and I realized he was right. The clock is ticking.

"Alright....here we go then..." I said to him as he handed me the towel. I pressed it firmly in my hands and leaned over and kissed Roger on the cheek. "Just so you know this is my first time with another girl..." I teased and winked to lighten the mood. Roger rolled his eyes at me as I left to go to Clare's room. I had left the door ajar and walked in to see her looking up with wide eyes as I came in and nudged the door closed with my hip. I held up the towel in my hand.

"I come bearing gifts...." I teased and Clare smirked as I walked over to her bed and sat the towel down on her nightstand. She was a little pink in the face as the reality of this moment began to sink in. "Do you need any help?" I asked her gently. Roger had gone over this with me several times to make sure Clare did it properly. She seemed to think about my offer for a moment and then shook her head.

"I think I can do the main work...but if you could stay..." she responded to me with a softness in her voice. I got the impression she was looking for moral support more than technical assistance.

"Of course Clare....we ladies stick together..." I assured her with a big grin. I turned and unfolded the towel to show her the large syringe and her eyes were a little wide again. I smiled confidently at her and patted her leg before I stood up and went to look out her window to give her some privacy. There was some light from the street lamp and I could see the houses across the street in the dim light. I did my best not to listen as Clare took care of business. I started to think about my schedule for the coming week and some mindless distractions.

"All done..." I heard her announce. I slowly turned to see her placing the syringe back on the towel. She had already returned the towel that covered her stomach and privates back in its place. I saw her adjust herself a little against the pillows that were placed under her bottom and legs.

"Everything good?" I asked her as I slowly walked back over to her. She nodded with a wide smile and patted her stomach.

"Yeah...let's hope he has some strong swimmers..." she remarked and we both laughed out loud. I walked over and banged on the wall to provide the signal we were done with our part of the procedure. I then went over to Clare's dresser and grabbed the bottle of wine we snuck upstairs earlier today. I pulled the cork off and handed it to Clare. She took a drink and passed it back to me. I had a sip as well and we smiled at each other.

"I just want to say I think you are pretty remarkable Clare....I don't know many women who would do something like this..." I told her honestly as I moved to sit on the end of her bed against the wall. Clare seemed unaffected by my words.

"If they had a brother like Rog they might..." she told me sweetly. "And a brother in law like Brian.." she added. "They broke the mold after they were both created..." she remarked to me as she took another sip of wine. I found her statement incredibly sweet and telling.

"They are quite unique men....aren't they?" I answered back. She nodded to me with a wistful smile on his face. She took another drink.

"You should have been there on their wedding day..." she said to me with that same wistfulness in her voice. "I cried...it was so lovely...." she told me and I noticed a glistening in her eyes. She is a bit emotional. Or maybe a little drunk. "When Brian was wheeled into the little chapel and helped to stand up for the ceremony..." Clare started to tell me. I had never heard the details of their wedding and was mystified why Brian had been wheeled into the chapel.

"Wheeled in?" I interrupted her to double check what I heard. Clare's eyes grew wide as she heard me.

"Rog never told you their wedding story?" she asked me with a hint of disbelief. I shook my head.

"No...just that they had been married by a real vicar.." I informed her. Clare handed me the wine bottle with a dreamy look on her face.

"Well....sit back so I can tell you then....it all started when Brian collapsed in Boston..."


	66. You Make Me Feel...Like A Millionaire - Part 1

7th June 1976

London

Brian's POV

"We're going to run out of room to hang these gold records.." Roger remarked to me as we both placed our new awards in our music room. He is right. Between the awards for our prior three albums and the new one, the space on the walls has diminished.

"We need more space I guess.." I replied benignly. I noticed Roger's face light up at my suggestion. He sat his award down against the wall and walked over to me and put his arms around me. I instantly pulled him in for a hug then held him loosely in front of me.

"Are you suggesting we find a bigger place to live?" he asked me with a huge grin on his face. This isn't what I had intended but I could see he liked the idea.

"I was going to say that we could hang some in the bathroom to be honest.." I teased and Roger rolled his eyes at me.

"Hey...in all seriousness...hear me out.." Roger responded and slipped out of my hold to look at me intently. "If we are having another kid...we probably need a larger house..." Roger took my hand and started to lead me out of the room. I followed him to the kitchen and he gestured for me to sit down at the table. I sat and he walked over and grabbed a folder and came and sat down next to me. He pulled out some papers and put them in front of me.

"What's this?" I asked him as I looked at the material. They were flyers about real estate. I was shocked to see the size of some of the houses in the photos attached to the information sheets. They were basically mansions. Some appeared to be estates on large pieces of land.

"I was just looking at some houses.." he tried to sound casual as he pointed to the pictures of the enormous homes displayed on the brochures.

"These aren't houses Rog...they're mansions...estates even..." I clarified to him. "We live in a house...these are homes for the rich and famous.." I remarked in a serious tone. I wondered why he was even taking an interest in these houses. We can't afford this. 

"I think you need to remember that we are rich and famous Bri..." he countered to me. I shook my head at him. I can't believe he thinks we are at this level of fame and wealth. We are not even close. 

"Yes..we've had some hit records and made some money..." I agreed. "But these places cost a fortune Rog...we don't have this kind of money...we need to save our money to make sure we have some if this all ends..." I explained to him. Roger looked unhappy with my response to his declaration.

"Were you even at our meeting today?" he questioned in a slightly annoyed tone. "Did you listen to the figures Reid and the accountant gave us?" he asked me. "Or are you just distracted by whether Clare is pregnant?" he threw at me. I was irritated that he felt that was all I have on my mind. The baby.

"I heard every word they said Rog...trust me...I know we've made a lot of money...I know you've certainly cashed in with your B-side of the single.." I told him with a tone that showed my annoyance. I didn't begrudge him his earnings but I didn't want him throwing his money in my face either. 

"So let me take that money and buy us a nice place to live.." he responded with passion. 

"So this place isn't nice enough?" I questioned as I gestured at the room to reference our perfectly nice house. A house much fancier than the ones we lived in growing up. "I guess when it was my money mostly paying for things...this was more than adequate...now you're rich and we need to live somewhere more palatial?" Roger's smile disappeared and a scowl formed on his face. He stood up from the table.

"That is not what I meant and you know it!" he barked at me. I didn't want to fight but he needs to pull his head out of the clouds. We have one meeting implying we've made some real money and he's ready to buy his country estate and live beyond our means.

"I know what your dream is Rog...but let's be reasonable...yes...we've finally got some real money...but it's not enough for a place like these.." I pointed to the brochures again. "Do you even know how much these homes cost?" I was curious if he even knew the true price of these lavish homes. Roger pulled one of the brochures from the table and opened it up and pointed to a price written in pen on the corner of the page.

"The realtor told me the price when I saw it..." he answered. I noticed the price was much less than I imagined but it still seemed like an enormous amount of money. Then I realized he said he had seen the place. I lost my cool.

"You saw the place?" I asked him in a clearly upset tone. "When was this?" 

"A few days ago....when I was out with Jo..." he answered directly. I recalled him saying they were going to lunch and doing some shopping. He never mentioned it was shopping for a fucking mansion!

"So you lied about shopping then?" I shouted. I stood up from the table myself and glared at him. 

"Well I never said what I was shopping for..." was his surly comeback to me. I felt like he was being dismissive of my feelings about this whole situation. I also wondered what else he might be keeping from me since he lied so easily about this.

"Anything else I need to know that you are doing behind my back?" I snapped at him. His face went dark and I was sure for a moment he wanted to hit me. I also realized that I had gone too far. I don't know why I said what I did. I'm angry and acted out. I put my hands up in surrender at him. "I'm sorry Rog...I didn't mean it..." I said to him quickly and in apologetic tone. He turned away from me and started walking towards the hallway. "Hey!" I called to him but he ignored me and I heard him go up the stairs. Shit! I considered following him up but I know we both need to cool off. I sighed in frustration and glanced at the brochures spread on the table. I know his intentions are good but he isn't being realistic. I checked my watch and realized I needed to get to my errands and pick up Clare from her appointment. I walked to the stairs and then quietly climbed them in case Tiger Lily was still asleep. I got to the top of the stairs and didn't see Roger in our room. I went and looked in the other rooms and didn't see him. I turned to see Tiger Lily's door open and Roger came out holding her in his arms. She was awake and was laying her head against his shoulder. Still a little sleepy looking.

"I've got to run my errands..." I told Roger as I walked up to them both. Roger still looked upset as I leaned down and kissed Tiger Lily's head. "Did you have a good nap poppet?" I asked her sweetly. She turned to look at me with her wide blue eyes. 

"Nap..." she repeated to me. I smiled at her for using the word and kissed her head again. 

"A kiss for my girl..." I told her. I looked at Roger with a regretful expression. He still seemed annoyed with me. "Can I get a kiss from my guy?" I asked him softly. His expression didn't change.

"Kiss..." Tigs repeated and Roger couldn't help but smile. I smiled as well and we both shared an apologetic look between us.

"Sorry Rog...I didn't mean it.." I told him again. He nodded to me and I leaned down and kissed him on the lips. I pulled away and smiled at him again. He seemed to be better and I ran my hand through his hair before I turned to go downstairs. "I'll be back soon.." I told them both.

I met my guitar tech at the music store to check on a new line of guitar strings and then picked up our dry cleaning. I am amazed at the amount of clothes we both have these days. As I drove to the bank I thought about how cramped our bedroom closet has become. As well as all the storage in our house. Despite this house seeming huge when we moved in almost a year ago we had managed to fill every spare nook and cranny. Roger owned a lot of clothes and had extra things hanging in the guest bedroom closet. I seem to hang on to everything I've ever collected in my life and the cupboard space in several areas was crammed with boxes of photographs, photography equipment, collectables, books and astronomy equipment and charts. Now with Tiger Lily there are even more toys, books, clothes and mementos taking up space. This didn't even include Clare. As I parked the car on the street by the bank I realized Roger is right. When you add a baby into this I even wondered where we would put the cot. I went inside to make a withdrawal for our weekly pocket money and our expenses. I filled out a check and walked up to the teller window that was open. I recognized the young lady and she smiled broadly at me.

"Good afternoon..." she announced as I handed her my slip. I glanced at her teller name card.

"Hi Carol..." I replied back. She read over my request and keyed some information on her computer terminal. I was impressed this bank had started using computers for record keeping. 

"Are you enjoying this warm weather Mr. May?" she asked me as she counted out my money. 

"It is nice...I'm probably cutting the grass tomorrow.." I remarked to her. She smiled widely at me as she handed me the envelope with my cash. I took it from her and smiled back and left to head towards the exit. I noticed a sign for information about mortgages as I neared the door. I glanced at my watch and found I had about twenty minutes before I needed to pick up Clare. I turned back and walked over to the loan department. The receptionist smiled as I walked up.

"Can I help you?" she asked me. I noticed her look me up and down and I wondered if she was considering that I don't look like her average bank customer. She probably thinks I am some broke student or lay about.

"Is there anyone I could talk to about a mortgage? I don't have a lot of time but was looking for some basic information.." I explained to her. 

"Yes...right this way..." She stood up from her chair and motioned for me to follow her. We walked to an open door and I saw a young man seated at a desk. He stood up when he saw us and smiled as the receptionist motioned for me to go in his office.

"Thank you Alice...I'm Robert Goodwin....how may I be of service this afternoon?" the man greeted me politely but I noticed that he looked me over as well. I smiled at him as I took the seat he gestured at. 

"I was curious about looking into a mortgage..." I informed him. He smiled as he took a seat but I could see he probably was wondering if I even qualified for a loan. I realized I had on my old purple t-shirt and some black trousers and my clogs. I had changed out of my suit when we got home from the award reception and our business meeting. 

"I can help you with that...now...do you currently bank with us...Mr. ?" he asked me. 

"It's May...Brian May...yes...here is my bank book..." I told him and pulled out my bank book and handed it to him. He found my account number and began to type it into his computer terminal. 

"Now Mr. May...it's important to know that a mortgage is a serious matter. In order to qualify for a mortgage you must be gainfully employed and have a fairly high salary. Let me get your information pulled up and we can talk about what we can offer you..." he explained. "Have you ever had a mortgage before Mr. May?" he asked me as he glanced at his computer terminal. I got the feeling he doesn't believe I will qualify for a loan.

"No...I currently rent my home but was considering buying a larger place..." I explained. I noticed Mr. Goodwin look at the balance on my bank book and his expression changed. He then looked at his computer terminal and my balance must have come up there as well because his expression shifted dramatically and his smile widened as he returned his eyes to mine.

"Well Mr. May....how much were you wanting to borrow?" he asked me in a completely different tone. It was clear my bank balance told him a different tale from my appearance. I had a feeling I wouldn't have any trouble getting a mortgage. 

\----------------------------

Roger's POV

"He did tell you he was sorry Rog...." Jo told me on the phone. I took another hit from my cigarette as I watched Tiger Lily play with her kitchen set on the floor. I know I'm not supposed to smoke in the house or near her but I fucking needed a cigarette. Brian really pissed me off earlier and I had to have one to calm myself down. After I smoked one I had another and then picked up the phone to call Jo. We had been talking for about almost an hour and I felt bad for ignoring my daughter.

"I know...I just can't believe he said that to me....I know I didn't tell him we were looking at houses but it wasn't a lie. It was meant to be a surprise. But he implied he doesn't trust me Jo...and I thought we were past that..." I explained to her as I smashed my cigarette out in the ashtray and waived my hand in the air to clear the smoke. I had opened the kitchen window but there wasn't a breeze to help move the smoke out.

"Then you need to tell him how it made you feel when he said it...he needs to state clearly whether he trusts you..." she suggested to me. "But you have to remember that you did fuck up and trust isn't always restored quickly.." she pointed out. She is right and I did remember Brian saying once that trust was still an issue. But it seemed ages ago when he said it. Maybe it wasn't that long. 

"I'll tell him...he's still off running errands and picking up Clare from her hair appointment...so I can talk to him after dinner.." I answered. "They are bringing home some pizza.." I commented.

"That sounds divine.....well...I have to go...we can talk tomorrow...promise me you won't smoke another cigarette in the house Rog..." Jo suddenly asked me.

"I won't...and thanks for everything.." I replied to her. "I feel like all I do is complain to you and you always listen...thanks Jo.." I said to her as I watched Tiger Lily get up from her toys and walk over to me. 

"You're not that bad drummer boy....I'm seeing my family tonight so I'll probably need to vent to you tomorrow...we'll call it even then.." she replied. I laughed a little and it felt good to smile. I certainly feel better after talking to her.

"Call me and bitch all you want...talk to you then..." I told her as we hung up. Tiger Lily came up and tugged on my trouser leg.

"Milk..." she asked me. I nodded to her and walked to the refrigerator to get her a drink. She followed me and stood at my side.

"Are you hungry?" I asked her as I took out the milk carton and filled a small bottle for her.

"Yes..." she replied to me. I reached over for the tin on the counter. I took out her snack biscuits and handed one to her. She took a bite as I screwed the lid on her bottle. 

"Come sit down with Papa..." I told her and walked to the kitchen table. I picked her up and sat her in her high chair and she remained focused on her biscuit as I placed the tray in front of her and handed her the bottle of milk. "We'll have dinner in a while...Brimi will be back with some pizza and with Clare..." I explained to her. She sat her biscuit down and took the milk bottle in both her hands and took a large drink. She had her eyes half closed as she swallowed and then popped the nipple out of her mouth and giggled at the noise she made. I laughed at her. The simplest things amuse her and I find it so charming. It also helped improve my mood.

"You're so much like me baby girl...you love to laugh..." I told her as I chuckled at her antics. She laughed back and then picked up her biscuit and took a bite. She then held up the soggy end of the remainder of it to me. She was offering to share. I was surprised and reached over for it. "Thanks Tigs...that's nice of you to share.." I told her as I took the mushy piece of biscuit from her. It didn't look appetizing at all but I wasn't going to disappoint her. I gladly popped it in my mouth and smiled at her as I chewed the gummy mess. She giggled at me as I made a funny face at her and added sound effects to my chewing. "Nom...nom...nom.." 

Tiger Lily erupted in a fresh bout of laughter and I reached over and tickled her side as she held onto her bottle. I heard the front door open.

"Who wants some pizza?" Clare shouted as she came in the room carrying the pizza boxes. She walked up and set them down on the table. I noticed her hair looked really nice. She had it colored and trimmed.

"I don't know what looks better...that pizza or your hair..." I said to her with a hint of cheekiness. She rolled her eyes at me.

"Oh...aren't you the flatterer...." she remarked sharply. We both laughed and I stood up to get some plates for our dinner. I heard Brian come in the house but he didn't appear in the kitchen. I heard him go upstairs and figured he was hanging up our dry cleaning. Clare took a seat at the table.

"Care!" Tigs said loudly at Clare. She is still working on her l's and r's. Clare leaned over to the baby and kissed her head.

"Hello Tiger.." she said back to her in a sweet voice. Tigs cooed at her.

I brought over the plates and went back to get drinks for us all. I grabbed three bottles of coca cola and returned to the table. I saw Brian walking in and noticed he had a folder in his hand and his other hand was behind his back. He walked over to me and I tried to read his face. I couldn't figure out what he was doing.

"I am still sorry about earlier..." Brian told me sincerely and pulled a single red rose from behind his back. I instantly smiled. He certainly was striking the right chord with me. I took the flower from him and he looked hopeful.

"I know you are..." I responded. "We're good for now....let's talk later.." I told him. He nodded understanding. "Thanks for the flower..." I said and walked to the kitchen to find something to place it in.

"There's a vase in the cupboard under the sink.." Clare informed me. I took it out and placed the rose inside. I inhaled its lovely fragrance as I put some water in the vase and then walked it to the table. I sat it down so we could all enjoy it. I noticed Clare and Brian exchange a glance. I wondered if Brian had thought of this on his own or if Clare suggested it. I would find out later.

The mood was light at dinner and Clare told us about her hair appointment and we told her about the plans for recording to start in July for our new album. Everyone was enjoying a long break from work since we arrived home in April but there was pressure mounting for us to make a follow up album since our last release performed so well. The direct evidence of the sales was shown to us clearly in our meeting today. I know Brian heard the same financial figures I did we just seemed to walk away with different ideas about spending some of our hard earned cash.

We finished with dinner and Clare, Tiger Lily and I watched some television while Brian worked on a song in the music room. Clare went upstairs to put Tiger Lily to bed and I changed the channel to watch a special about the upcoming Summer Olympics being held in Montreal. They were featuring the selected British athletes. Clare joined me and we shared some comments about their potential to complete in several fields. A movie came on afterwards and at some point we both fell asleep.

"Rog...wake up..." I heard Brian tell me as he pulled me up from the sofa. I shifted around to stand up and Brian was waking up Clare as well to help her up. Brian turned off the television and we all made our way upstairs and to bed. I completely forget about talking to Brian about our fight.

\--The next day--

I woke up to find Brian sitting up in bed reading something and noticed Squeaky nestled into his side. He was petting her and looking over some papers. He noticed me stirring and smiled at me. There was something adorable about his grin. His hair is so long right now that its like a giant lop sided pillow around his face. I couldn't help but smile.

"You're awake...good.." he said to me. I sat up in bed next to him to see what he was looking at. I was mindful of the cat so I didn't sit on her and leaned over to read. I was instantly frustrated to realize that the words on the page were a little blurry for me. Shit! This has started happening more often. I noticed it at the meeting the day before when we were handed several pages of financial reports and our schedule for recording our next album. I had to work to focus on the words on the page before they cleared up. I blinked a few times and then decided I would just ask Brian what he was reading.

"What are you looking at?" I asked him as he turned the page on the brochure. He glanced my way and smiled. Squeaky got up from her spot and stretched and then walked to the end of the bed and hopped down.

"Oh this?" he remarked to me casually. "It's just the contract for our mortgage..." he informed me. I know what the word means and couldn't believe my ears. Well...I didn't want to believe what I heard.

"Mortgage?" I questioned and he smiled at me and nodded. 

"Yeah....for when we buy a larger house..." he confirmed to me. A smile erupted on my face and he sighed lightly at me. "I suppose you want me to say it..." he remarked to me. 

"Say what?" I asked him. I wasn't sure what he meant but I had an idea and I hoped I was correct.

"Fine! I'll say it! You were right!" he announced. I felt quite satisfied hearing him say this. Especially after he started that argument with me about it. 

"So you do agree we need a larger place?" I asked him and tried not to sound too self-satisfied when I spoke. 

"I do agree we need more space...yes...I don't agree that we need to buy a mansion..." he countered to me. "I don't want us over extending ourselves.." he explained to me in a calm rational manner. Quite different from yesterday's lecture like tone. "I know you just see a grand house and grounds Rog...but you have to consider the continued cost of upkeep and the taxes and such...it's a lot more money than you think.." he pointed out to me. He was right. I hadn't given any thought to much beyond the aesthetics of it. I was happy though and gently reached over and pulled the papers out of his hand and laid them on the other end of the bed. Brian looked a little put out about my actions until I slipped my leg over his and proceeded to straddle him and sit in his lap facing him. His hands immediately went to my waist to hold me and I placed my hands on his shoulders and smiled warmly at him. He smiled back at me.

"So.." I said to him softly. "Are we going to kiss and make up from our fight?" I asked him demurely. He didn't wait and pulled me in for a soft kiss. It felt wonderful and we didn't break from it. Since we have been so focused on making a baby and business distractions we haven't actually been intimate. While I did use my plan B strategy on Brian the first time he needed to provide a sperm donation, the next few nights he had to ejaculate went smoothly. He was able to get the result he needed on his own. We had Clare inseminate herself for fours nights in a row to try and get a successful result while she is ovulating. Now we are waiting to see if she is pregnant or gets her period.

Brian held me tightly and we began to deepen our kiss. Despite just waking up he tasted good and I missed this closeness between us. I moaned lightly when he slipped his tongue in my mouth and moved one of his hands slowly up my back and onto my head. His fingers slipped into my hair as our kiss escalated. I grinded a little on his lap and found us both starting to feel aroused. I considered breaking our kiss and getting naked with him. I moaned again and pressed myself harder into his lap when I heard a sound from the door of our room.

"Bihhmmee.." I suddenly heard the voice of my daughter and pulled away from Brian to see her standing in our doorway. How the fuck did she get here? She should be asleep in her cot. I instantly moved off of Brian's lap and we both had a combination of embarrassment and alarm on our faces as Brian climbed off the bed and walked over towards her. She came running up to him. "Bihhmmeee.." she called to him again and he picked her up and looked her over. Brian had on a pair of pajama bottoms but I only had on my briefs so I stayed in the bed.

"How did you get here poppet?" he asked her as she nestled into his arms and grabbed a clump of his hair. "How did you get out of bed?"

I shifted back over to my spot and got under the blanket to hide my erection as Brian walked out of our room with the baby. I heard him talking to her as they went into her room. They both came back after a minute and Brian's face showed surprise. 

"Well?" I asked him as he brought Tiger Lily to the bed and plopped her down by me. She crawled over to hug me and I scooped her up. "Hey baby girl..." I said to her as Brian sat down next to us.

"Her door was open and there isn't anything wrong with her cot....and Clare is still asleep..." he informed me as he ran his hand through Tig's hair and looked at us both. "I think she climbed out of her cot..." he surmised. I was surprised and concerned to hear this. "And I think she knows how to open her door..." he added. I was both proud and frightened by this aspect. She looked so innocent as she sat with me in bed and began to babble at us both. How did she go from being this helpless little baby to a capable adventurous toddler? 

"Did she open our bedroom door as well?" I asked Brian. He shook his head. 

"No...I had it partly open for Squeaky....she followed me in when I went downstairs to get those papers..." he informed me as he got up and gathered the papers from the bed before Tiger Lily could get them. He looked at the clock and smiled at me. "By the way...we need to get ready...we have an appointment in a few hours..." he announced as he sat the papers on the dresser and walked towards the bathroom.

"I didn't think we had anything planned for today.." I remarked to him. He stopped at the door and smiled at me.

"I might have called the realtor yesterday...." he revealed to me. "She was going to find us some properties to look at together..." I smiled at his words. I am thrilled he is on board with this and can accept I have to wait longer before I get my country estate dream fulfilled.

"Well....get in the shower babe...I'll go get Tigs ready and wake up my sister..." I informed him excitedly and bounced a little on the bed. He smiled and walked back over. He leaned across the bed towards me and we shared a sweet kiss. He then leaned in to kiss Tiger Lily as well. He pulled back and smirked at me. 

"I'm happy at home....you're my best friend.." he sang to me sweetly as he walked back to the bathroom. He knows that line in the song annoys me. I huffed at him dramatically despite enjoying it. 

"Fuck off..." I grumbled jokingly at him. Brian stopped and tried to look shocked at my reaction. We both laughed lightly.

"Fuck!" Tigs repeated loudly. The look on Brian's face was priceless.

\-----------------------------

"So...are you looking to pay cash out right for a property or are you getting a mortgage?" Melanie asked us. She is the realtor John Reid recommended to us a year ago and helped us find our current home. She was beyond thrilled when I called her a week or so back and wanted to see some properties to buy. When Brian called her yesterday she was over the moon.

"We are looking at a mortgage....with a sizable down payment..." Brian replied for us both. We were driving to see the first property she found for us. Brian had told her we wanted to see more homes but for a lower price than my original request. 

"It is an optimum time to get a bargain on a home..." Melanie said to us as she drove the main road through the Barnes area. "With this horrid economy there are loads of people trying to sell...it is truly a buyer's market..." she explained with great enthusiasm. "I have to say you are in the right kind of business for a recession gentleman...entertainment never seems to wane despite the condition of people's pocketbooks.." Melanie stopped at an intersection and then turned down a smaller lane. "I helped Elton find a country retreat a few months back....he got it for a steal of a price!" Melanie really loves her business and was excited about finding us the ideal place. It helps so much that she knows our relationship and we don't have to deal with questions about our living arrangements and any judgement that goes along with it. She is also discreet and wants repeat business.

"I hope you can find us a bargain..." I agreed and smiled at Brian as he held Tigs in his arms in the back seat of the car next to Clare. There wasn't room for all of us to fit along with her car seat so Brian was holding her during the ride today. I was riding in front of the Land Rover with Melanie. She slowed her car down and pulled up in front of a sizable home.

"This is it!" she exclaimed to us. I liked the house but wished the grounds were a bit bigger. I immediately noticed that there was a large church across the street facing the house. I glanced over at Brian and we shared a knowing look between us.

"Not interested..." I told Melanie and she nodded and pulled back into traffic. "Can't cope with God staring us down every day.." I remarked to her. She laughed gently and glanced at her list of properties.

"Right then...off we go!" she replied and we moved on to the next house.

\---------------

We exhausted our search of Barnes and she headed out towards Richmond. She had a house out there on her list that was in our price range. 

"I remember this house..." she remarked as she drove us through an area with a primary school and some shops. "It has been on the market for a bit but I'm not sure why...there isn't anything wrong with it from my report...just not found the right buyer..." she told us.

"I like Richmond... it's closer to Feltham..." Brian commented to us all. He is right. It is closer to his parents than where we are now. Having them nearby would be handy if there are two children to look after.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you! Guess what home just came on the market?" Melanie asked me with a hint of intrigue. "Would you be interested in buying John Lennon's former home in Surrey?" I couldn't believe my ears and immediately looked at Brian. He leaned forward in his seat and seemed as excited as I am at the prospect.

"How much is it?" he asked Melanie. My heart actually started beating faster in my chest at the thought of living in his former home. One of my rock and roll heroes!

"To be honest....they may already have a buyer and its asking price is about 30 thousand more than your budget..." I felt deflated at the news and wished she had never mentioned it. I saw Brian's face sink a little as well. "If the deal doesn't go through and they drop the price...I can let you know..." she informed us. 

"If we don't find something soon...do let us know.." I heard Brian reiterate to her. I turned to look at him and he smiled widely at me. I was surprised he would even consider it because of the price.

"Really?" I questioned as I looked at him hopefully. He shrugged but smiled wickedly at me. I turned and sat back in my seat and fell in love a little more with my husband. Melanie turned down a long drive and then slowed the car.

"Well....here it is!"

I groaned as soon as I laid eyes on it. How hard is it to find a house?


	67. You Make Me Feel...Like A Millionaire - Part 2

9th June 1976

London

Brian's POV

"I'm sorry Brian...." she told me as she stood in the doorway of my bedroom and had a somber expression. I walked over to her and gave her a hug. I'm certainly disappointed but I don't want her to feel like she let me down. It takes us both to make it happen. And it didn't happen this time.

"It's okay....we know there are no absolutes....we'll try again next month...just like we talked about..." I did my best to console her. "That's if you still want to..." I added. I want her to know she can still change her mind. Clare smiled at me and nodded.

"Yeah...I do...we'll try again next month..." she agreed. I gave her an encouraging smile and hugged her again. I hope her cramps aren't too bad. I know she tends to have pretty bad cramping the first day of her period.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything? Can I get you a hot water bottle?" I asked her gently as I loosened our hug. 

"I've got a heating pad so I'm good...thanks....I'm going to lay down for a bit...could you see to Tigs?" she asked me. I nodded to her. "She's playing in her room..." 

"Of course..." I answered. Clare gave me a thin smile and left my room and walked to her own. I followed her out and went to Tiger Lily's room. She was sitting on her floor playing with some blocks. She looked up when I walked in and smiled at me.

"Hey poppet....are you making something?" I asked her as I walked over and sat down next to her. She was stacking blocks and talking to herself. I grabbed a couple of extra blocks and built a little house. "I'm building a house..." I told her as I placed two squares together and put the elongated triangle on top.

"House..." she repeated as she watched me. I love it when she speaks a new word. It feels like a little victory. Hearing this is a nice distraction from the bad news Clare delivered to me. This month is having its share of ups and downs. We tried for a baby and failed. We tried to find a new home and can't find one Roger and I agree on. It's frustrating. I also have a growing fear I won't have enough song material for our recording session next month. Roger hasn't indicated he has any workable songs. I don't like the feeling that we aren't prepared to work. 

Tiger Lily got up from her place on the floor and walked to her bookshelf. She grabbed a little Japanese doll that Freddie had bought her on tour and walked over to me. It was dressed in a silk kimono and had her black hair in a large bun on her head.

"Feddie...." she said to me. I wondered for a moment if she remembered that Fred had given her the doll or if the doll reminded her of him. Between the kimono and the dark hair it was possible she thought it was him. I couldn't help but smile.

"Yes...Freddie gave you the doll..." I confirmed to her. I realized she had gone from calling him 'Fee' to 'Feddie.' It was a marked improvement in her speech. We still had to develop her 'r' sound. She left the 'r' out of my name as well.

"What are you two up to?" I heard Roger ask me as he stood in the doorway watching us. I smiled at the site of him. He had returned from the hairdressers with his hair freshly layered and lightened. He looked so beautiful.

"You look really good babe...beautiful.." I complimented him. He smiled at me and ran his hand through his hair. "I like the layering.." I commented.

"Good papa..." Tigs told him and Roger's face lit up at her opinion. I felt like her opinion mattered more and decided to tease him about it.

"Oh...I see how it is...her opinion matters more than mine..." I said to him sarcastically. He rolled his eyes at me.

"You're required to say something....when she says it.. it's because she really means it.." he informed me with his arms folded in front of his chest and a smug look on his face. We shared an amused glance between us. The doorbell sounded and Roger walked from the doorway to go answer the front door. I realized I didn't tell Roger that Clare isn't pregnant. I figured it could wait until we are alone later. I returned my attention to Tiger Lily.

Roger's POV

I didn't recognize the man standing at my door and wondered if he was a salesman. I really needed to get a sign advising no solicitors are allowed. I huffed to myself and opened the door.

"Good afternoon...you are Roger Taylor....am I correct?" the man asked me directly. He was wearing a buttoned shirt and a cheap blazer and mismatched trousers. He was reaching into his pocket for something. I figured he knows who I am by the look on his face so denying it was pointless.

"Yes...I'm Roger Taylor..." I confirmed. "What do you want?" I tried to sound cordial as he pulled a card out and handed it to me.

"Alan Lewis...News of The World..." he revealed to me and I looked at the card he gave me. It was his press identification card and it seemed legitimate. Of course, I don't consider the 'News of The World' a legitimate paper and sighed as I realized he was probably looking for some type of dirt. It is a tabloid after all.

"Sorry...not interested..." I replied and began to close my door on him. I wonder where he got my address from?

"Is it true that you and Brian May live together?" he shouted at me as the door closed. Fuck!!! How did he find out? I realized I couldn't ignore this as I have no idea what he knows. I at least had to ascertain what he wants. I slowly opened the door back and grunted at him.

"I suppose since Queen is famous now, you're looking for something to write in your shitty little paper about us?" I scowled at him. "What are you getting at?' I asked him bluntly. I wasn't going to hide my anger at his intrusion in my life. I also needed to come across as highly offended at whatever he implies about Brian and myself. The man seemed taken aback by my lack of shock or surprise. I noticed him swallow hard.

"Well...I've learned some information and just wanted to get your statement regarding the matter...before we publish.." he informed me. My heart rate sped up as I wondered what he had learned and from who. Who would tell the press about us? I tried to stay calm despite my anger. Fear was slowly taking over.

"And what information is that?" I asked him in a short tone. He seemed eager now to share whatever it is he has discovered and practically licked his lips at me.

"Well...is it true you and Brian May live together?" he asked me again. I considered lying but since he knows our address it is possible he has already observed us both coming and going from the house. I decided to stick to our main cover story.

"Brian does live here...yes...but we don't 'live together..' " I pointed out to him and used my bent fingers to make quotation marks to highlight the 'live together' part. "He is dating my sister.."

"So your official response is that Brian lives with your sister and she lives with you?" he asked me with a hint of disbelief. I felt my anger rise but my fear also increased because it was clear he wanted to write about the more salacious story of Brian and I being together. Did he have some actual evidence?

"I don't have an official response mate...I'm just telling you the facts....which to be honest...aren't really any of your business.." I said to him gruffly. He seemed amused at my displeasure which made it worse. "Are we done?" I said with the same annoyance. 

"One more thing....I have it on good authority that there is more to your relationship with Brian than you imply....care to respond?" I really did need to know what evidence he has. 

"Before I say anything...I need to know what your good authority is and how did you find out where I live?" 

"I received a phone call from a group of fans who told me where you reside and that they feel Brian's relationship with you is the real story here and not that he is dating your sister...as you pointed out to me..." the journalist informed me. I felt my heart sink a little that we had been discovered by some fans but it didn't sound like they had any real evidence. Just a hunch based on observation of us from a distance. I could still deny it all.

"So you're telling me that a few fans who've spent an hour outside my house decided that Brian and I are somehow involved with each other?" I said to him with disgust. "He is my best friend and I really find it offensive for you to imply anything besides that..." I told him in a blunt manner. "If you publish this garbage you will be hearing from my solicitor..." I finally told him and slammed the door in his face.

"Can I get Mr. May to provide a statement?" the prick then asked me through the door. I ignored him and headed for the stairs. I bounded up them with purpose. My head was filled with rage and growing paranoia that maybe he knew more than he was letting on. I walked straight to Tiger Lily's door.

"We have to move....now!" 

\--------------------------

"Brian....you have to come out of there..." I pleaded to him. When I told him what happened he went into a full on panic. He tore out of Tiger Lily's room and went straight into our bathroom and locked the door. I was frightened by his reaction and didn't like the idea of him being alone in there with his pills and our razors. I shook with fear.

Clare came into the room and walked straight over to my side at the door and pounded on it.

"Brian Harold May!" she barked at him like a mother. "Get your bloody ass out of that room right now!" she sounded so authoritative and bold. I was proud of her at this moment. Taking charge and being assertive. "You made a promise Brian!" she reminded him sternly. "Get out of that room so we can see you're okay..." she instructed him in a softer voice. She turned to look at me and I nodded agreement to everything she said. I heard some shuffling in the bathroom and the click of the door lock caused a wave of relief to pour through me. Brian opened the door and walked back over to sit on the toilet and placed his face in his hands and grabbed his hair with his fingers. Despite opening the door to us he still looked distraught. I glanced over at the counter to make sure his medication bottles weren't sitting out and the razors weren't either. The counter was empty. Thank god!

"You scared the shit out of me!" I scolded him as I rushed up and pulled him into my arms. Clare lingered in the doorway watching us. Brian wrapped his arms around my waist and began crying into my shirt. "I'm sorry we yelled at you Bri....but you can't do this to us..." I stroked his hair and pulled his face back to look at him. His eyes were wet and sad. They were also filled with fear. "I can deal well enough with a fucking reporter but I can't deal with you locking yourself away like this..." I squatted down in front of him and cleared his hair away from his face. Some of it was damp from his tears. I held onto his arm and looked him in the eye. "It's okay to be upset...to be scared.....to be angry....but you can't deal with it by hiding from me babe...you scared me more than that piece of shit reporter ever will....do you understand?" I said to him as gently as I could manage. Brian nodded agreement to me and sniffled hard to try and control the flow of tears. He wiped at his face with the sleeve of his shirt. I heard the sink turn on and saw Clare wetting a washcloth. She walked over and handed it to me. She looked sympathetic as I wiped gently at Brian's face to clean up his teary mess and cool his red cheeks off.

'But he knows Rog....he knows.." Brian told me in a less frantic voice than he had earlier. He was calming down a little. I smiled at him and ran my thumb over his cheek to soothe him.

"He knows something a fan told him.....that's all..." I explained to him. I wanted to dissuade his belief this reporter had evidence about us because my gut told me he didn't. He was fishing for something based on a comment from a fan. "He doesn't have any evidence Bri....he is simply looking for us to hand him a story...." I added for good measure.

"All you need to do is get me pregnant and announce it to the world....that will help stave off any rumors from any story he might publish..." Clare remarked to him with a confident tone. She is right. When they announce her pregnancy it will erase any doubts planted by the article.

"She's right Bri....she may already be pregnant..it will be the perfect revenge..." I agreed. A look crossed over Brian's face. It was a sadness that wasn't there before.

"But she's not pregnant...." he told me sadly and a fresh tear slipped down his face. He looked up at Clare who was standing by us. He gave her a sad smile and Clare reached over and took his hand.

"I got my period today..." Clare announced and I felt my heart drop a little. I was disappointed because I know it had hurt both Brian and Clare to find this out and I was disheartened that we didn't have this plan already in play to debunk any news report.

"We'll try again..." I responded and smiled at Brian and then Clare. We all shared a hopeful nod between us. I reached over and took my sister's hand and kissed it. "You okay?" I asked her. She nodded to me.

"I'm alright...." she responded and let go of my hand. She let go of Brian's hand and smiled sweetly at us. "I need to check on Tigs..." she remarked and left the room. I turned back to Brian and began to stand up. I pulled him up with me.

"Get up! You're not wasting any more tears on this..." I told him firmly and handed him the washcloth. He wiped his face again and nodded agreement.

"You're right...I'm sorry Rog..." he told me as he tried to compose himself. He walked over the sink and got himself a drink of water as I left the bathroom. When he came out I held my arms open for him and he let me pull him into a hug. 

"We will just move to another place and soon Clare will be pregnant and everything will be okay.." 

\------------------------

"Are you feeling any better?" I asked Brian as we cleaned up the kitchen together. We gave Clare a break from everything since she isn't feeling that great. After we got Tiger Lily fed and down for the night we returned to clean up the mess we made earlier. Focusing on caring for her seemed to help Brian and it actually helped me calm down as well.

"I am...thanks Rog..." he replied to me as he wiped the counter off. I put the last dish in the drainer and turned off the faucet. I had thought earlier today about something Clare had said to me when we were talking about the plan to have a baby. She had commented about her concern regarding Brian's emotional problems. I had dismissed it to a degree at the time because he had been doing well. I realized now that she was right. He does struggle when things get tough. He needs to see a therapist. He needs to see Father McKenzie.

"Bri...I need to say something and I need you to hear me out..." I told him as I turned to face him and leaned against the counter. He faced me and gave me his attention.

"Okay..."

"What you did today....that is unacceptable..." I began my speech and tried to keep my tone soft. "I know you get stressed and upset but you can't lock yourself away and hide from me in a room full of pills and razors....it frightens me when you do this..." I explained. His face showed remorse about his earlier actions today. I was glad he seemed to understand my feelings. "If you even thought for a second that swallowing some pills or cutting yourself would make this situation better....you are wrong..." I emphasized. He nodded to me.

"You're right Rog...I'm sorry.." he told me. It was about the fifth time he apologized today. 

"You need to see a therapist Bri....you need someone to talk to about all this stuff inside your head....someone who understands it all...because I don't.." It isn't a suggestion and I could see he knows this. "If you want another baby and everything that comes with it....you need to take better care of yourself...." Brian looked at me with clear agreement in his face. I reached over and took his hands in mine. "I think you should call Father McKenzie tomorrow..." I said to him.

"I will...I'll call him in the morning..."

\------------------------

Despite all the emotion or because of it I slept hard. I woke up and found Brian's side of the bed empty. I panicked for just a moment but then saw the bathroom door was open. So was our bedroom door. I slid out of bed and grabbed my robe since I only had on my briefs. I used the toilet and then headed downstairs. 

Tiger Lily was in her high chair and was eating her breakfast. Brian was standing in the kitchen and was on the telephone. 

"That will be great...we will see you at eleven..." I heard Brian tell the person on the phone. He hung up and smiled at me.

"Who are we seeing at eleven?" I asked as Brian walked over to me and smiled widely as he took my face in his hands and kissed me gently. I welcomed his kiss and his calm demeanor. It was a nice change from yesterday. 

"We have some houses to look at...." he informed me as he kissed me again. This is good news.

"Kiss..." Tigs called out to us. I smiled against Brian's mouth as our daughter called us out on kissing in front of her. I pulled away from Brian and went over to properly greet my baby.

"Good morning Tiger Lily...does someone else want a kiss?" I asked her as Brian watched me with a warm smile on his face. My girl beamed at me as I approached and she clapped her hands.

"Kiss Papa kiss..." she told me excitedly. I leaned down and planted a big wet kiss on her mouth. She tasted like banana. I purposely made a big smooch sound as I kissed her and then pulled away. She squealed in delight at me.

"I love your banana kisses baby girl..." I told her as I touched my forehead to hers. And I do.

"I see Father McKenzie on Friday..." Brian announced. I turned and smiled at him. This is a good morning.

\------------------- 

"So this house just came on the market again....a pending sale fell through..." Melanie explained to Brian and I as she drove down a country lane. This was the last house we were looking at today. Brian really liked the one we just saw but I wanted to look at this last one before we decided. It is amazing how many perfectly fine homes I find I like that Brian doesn't care for. And vice versa. I guess our differences as people are showing. We are so in sync in many other ways but our tastes do differ a lot. 

"Do you know if it fell through because of a problem with the house?" Brian asked Melanie as she slowed the car to turn. 

"I know from the realtor the funding fell through....the buyer couldn't get it financed..." she answered. She leaned over my way and smirked at me and then watched the road. "The realtor also let it slip the inspection came back before the sale fell apart.....so no major problems with the property. I liked the sound of this and smiled at her and then Brian. The car slowed and Melanie provided her usual announcement as she turned down a gravel drive.

"Well...here it is!" she said to us in her excited manner. "As you can see it is quite private but not too far from the main road...or the village.." she remarked as I looked over the house. I really like it. It is a Tudor style home with two floors and looks pretty large. Maybe a bit smaller than the one we just saw but there is just something I like about it. Melanie stopped the car and we stepped out by the large double garage. "As you can see there is plenty of room for your cars and even room for another if you like..." she began to ramble off the facts about the place to us. Brian walked up to my side and began looking it over with me. He didn't look opposed in any way, which I found encouraging. We walked a few yards and I suddenly saw something I just decided I can't live without.

"We'll take it!" I announced to her and Brian. Brian looked at me like I am crazy and Melanie scolded me.

"Now Roger....you haven't even seen inside yet....it could be appalling for all you know..." I walked over and looked at the beautiful inground rectangle pool that is adjacent to the house and surrounded by a nice spread of lawn. Everything looked clean and in order. The water was inviting and I wanted to jump in right then. It is unusually warm for a June day.

"Is it heated?" I asked my realtor. She glanced at her paperwork. 

"Yes..it is..." she confirmed to me. I turned to Brian with a huge smile and he laughed a little and shook his head. 

"Do we even get to look inside Rog?" he asked me with amusement. He could see I was already sold on the place because of the pool. "Maintaining a pool is quite expensive..." he remarked as we headed for the door to the house. Melanie unlocked the door and we stepped inside after Brian insisted she go first. I want this house! I have to convince Brian we need to get this one.

"I know...it costs a lot of money.....let's keep looking..." I responded and moved him along to follow Melanie.

"Now this floor has some nice rooms for living and dining....oh...and there is a study off the kitchen..." she informed us. Brian's face lit up hearing this and I realized I found some ammunition to get him on my side.

"Brian! You can have your own study for your books and things..." I emphasized to him. We walked in to find it a decent sized room with built in book shelves. The windows had a nice view of the back garden. There was a entry from the kitchen as well as the main hallway. In addition to the main stairway at the entryway I saw a metal spiral staircase. Brian was intrigued as he glanced upwards at the ascending steps just outside the study entrance.

"Where does that go?" I asked Melanie. She shrugged like she didn't know but I could tell she was aware of where it leads. She wants to surprise us.

"Go on then....see for yourself..." she encouraged us with a bright smile.

Brian began climbing up the stairs and I followed him. He gasped when he reached the top which excited me. I came up behind him and saw him staring into what had to be the master bedroom. It is enormous! Much larger than the other house. The picture windows on the far wall looked out over the front lawn. I walked in to gauge the space and went in to check out the master bath that was attached. There is both a deep long tub and a glass shower stall. It's perfect. I was tempted to have Brian climb in the tub to measure it but thought better of it. He already seemed pleased by the amenities. I could see from his face he really likes it. 

"You like what you see?" Melanie asked us as she approached us from the other set of stairs. "This house only has 5 bedrooms but the master is larger than the one we just looked over..." she walked over and handed Brian a large piece of printed paper. "Here is a diagram of the house in case you're interested.." He took it from her with a smile and we both gazed at it for a moment.

"What's this storage?" Brian asked her. I had to admit the small print was a bit blurry for me but I played it off and let Brian ask the questions. 

"This is a space that they had enclosed to make a walk in closet...its to compensate for the smaller cupboard in the room itself...it's located above the study...." I hurried over to the door that was situated by the spiral staircase and opened it. It was amazing! I have never had this kind of space for my clothes and knew I had to convince Brian to get this house. He left my side and went to look at the other bedrooms. I didn't need to see them.

"Rog....this room is much bigger than Clare's is right now....this would be nice for her..." he remarked as I lingered at the closet to count the shelves and rods for clothes. I turned see his wide smile and knew I needed to go look. I rushed over and found it was quite nice. A definite improvement over Clare's current lodgings. "Oh!" he suddenly said loudly and I looked at him in surprise. He formed an amused look on his face as he handed me the schematic of the house.

"I guess we'll have to take this place...." Brian announced to Melanie and myself. I wondered what had sealed the deal for him. He pointed to something in the corner of the printout and I read over it.

"Is that the name of the house?" I asked them both in complete disbelief. Brian nodded and Melanie snorted a bit with laughter.

"To be honest...I forgot that is the name...." she remarked as she tried to stop giggling. I had to laugh myself. It was too good to be true. I handed the schematic to Melanie and clapped Brian on the back.

"Melanie! Where do we sign?" 

\------------------------

12th June 1976

"Now why the fuck do you want to live all the way out here?" Freddie asked me as I drove the distance from his flat in Kensington to our new home in Surrey. We had the top down on my car since it is so hot outside. The sun was beating down on us but the speed of my driving provided a nice windy respite. Freddie and I both had on sunglasses and our hair was flying behind us in the breeze. 

"We need to get out of the city....away from prying eyes..." I answered as I noticed my exit was approaching. I got in the slower lane in preparation. "I didn't care to learn that some of our fans found out our address and happened to share their opinions about Brian and I with that bloody reporter..." Freddie waived a dismissive hand at me.

"Oh Roger...that story he fed you was utter bullshit...trust me....he just figured out your address and decided to look for some type of dirt.." Freddie tried to assure me. "Remember....he came to my flat as well with similar questions..." he reminded me. I smirked at him.

"And what was your beautifully delivered response?" I asked him despite knowing it already. He giggled at me.

"Well I told him what I tell everyone who dares to ask me if I'm gay...." he remarked back. "I told him I'm as gay as a daffodil!" he exclaimed loudly with a flourish of his hand and laughed again. I couldn't help but laugh at his brashness. He didn't actually admit he was gay but he did take the question head on with some balls. I admire that.

"Regardless of the fan story and the reporter....we need more room..." I confessed to Freddie. Brian and I decided not to say anything about the baby plan with Clare until she is actually pregnant. I realized in saying this I need to explain why we need the added space.

"Why do you need more room? Is your mother moving in with you?" he asked sincerely. It wasn't an unreasonable question. I decided to use it to my advantage.

"It's a possibility..." I said benignly. Freddie watched my face as I spoke and I could see he knows there is more to this than I am stating. He got a concerned look on his face.

"Wait a minute! Is this about you having a baby using your sister as incubator?" Freddie questioned me with dismay in his voice and in his expression. 

"Clare isn't pregnant...!" I assured him. I reached over for a cigarette after I turned onto the country road that leads to the house. We began to pass through a small village. 

"So...are you sticking with the one baby then?" he asked me as he grabbed my lighter to help me light my cigarette. I nodded thanks to him after he held the flame aloft. I hated lying to my close friend. I took a drag from my cigarette and watched for the drive to my new house. 

"How about you ask me that question again in six months.." I responded vaguely. His eyebrows raised at me and I saw the drive and turned. A sale pending sign now hung at the corner.

"Let's talk about the house instead....." I suggested to him. I drove about two thirds of the way down the drive until you could get a better look at the property. "Here we are!" I announced proudly. Freddie surveyed the surroundings and formed a smile. I waited for his reaction.

"Well...it's actually pretty nice...it's certainly private with that large hedgerow..." he responded as he opened the car door to get out. I put the brake on the car and stepped out with my cigarette in my hand. Freddie took a few steps and could see the back garden. His face erupted in excitement. "Hey! You didn't tell me you have a pool!" he exclaimed to me. I was smug as I took a low bow and grinned devilishly at him.

"Welcome to Meadow Hall...."


	68. You Make Me Feel...Like A Millionaire - Part 3

One Month Later - 14th July 1976

London

Brian's POV

"Brian...you seem to worry a lot...I want you to tell me three things that are worrying you right now...." Father McKenzie requested of me. Well, he prefers to be called Mack since he left the church. I thought about his question and responded truthfully.

"Whether Clare is pregnant; the new house and that I don't have enough material for our new album..." I told him. He didn't seemed surprised by my answers. He grinned warmly at me and leaned back in his chair. I noticed he doesn't take any notes during our sessions. This is our third visit together. Dr. Fischer took a lot of notes and would always tap his pen against my folder. Thinking about it now it seemed like he was inpatient with me and his tapping was a little unsettling. I feel comfortable with Mack. He is so relaxed and calm.

"Can you expand on these for me?" Mack said as he stared at me with complete interest. "The baby for starters..." he suggested. I liked that he decided to go in order of my list. I like a bit of order about stressful things.

"Alright.....we tried again with the insemination around the first week of the month...and we are now waiting to see if she gets her period....like last time...." I explained to him. Mack pressed his lips together and nodded at me. 

"And if she's not pregnant.....like last time....how will you feel?" he asked me in his matter of fact manner. 

"Well...Rog said that it can take several tries you know....so I have to be patient..." I answered. Mack seemed dissatisfied with my response.

"I didn't ask how Roger said things might play out....I want to know how you will feel if she still isn't pregnant..." he asked me gently. I could feel my face fall a little. I swallowed hard.

"Like I let her down..." I said quietly. Mack's face registered surprise and he seemed inquisitive.

"How are you letting her down?" 

"Because that's what I do in life...." I said to him before I realized the words came out of my mouth. I felt like one of my biggest secrets slipped away from the deepest and darkest parts of my being and I almost shuddered. Why did I say this out loud?

"Brian....what makes you believe you let people down?" Mack pointedly requested of me. The giant list of my offenses began filling my head. Well. It's always there! It just got better organized. Or maybe overwhelming. I don't know. It's just always there.

"God...where do I begin?" I honestly replied. "There is my parents for a start..." Mack made a gesture for me to stop.

"Stop right there!" he ordered. "I need to know how you've let them down..." he sounded sincere and not in any way condescending so I feel it is okay to speak my inner truth. I sighed heavily before I began my speech about my father.

"Not my Mum so much...but I know I've disappointed her at times....but my Father...." I revealed to him. "He has told me more than once I let him down..." I confessed. Mack maintained an even expression as he listened. "I mean look at me! I married and live with another man! I dropped out of my doctoral studies to play rock and roll! I'm raising a child as my own that was born out my husband cheating on me!" I let my memory of my Father's list of my failings fall out of my mouth. "My Father doesn't even know about my situation last year..." I said as my voice got quiet. I realized if my Father knew I had tried to hurt myself in any way this would be the ultimate.

"It's not a situation Brian...let's call it what it was alright?" Mack reminded me. "You had a breakdown...now....I'm not a psychiatrist but I know the guidelines they use to diagnose. I agree with Dr. Fischer when he told you that you suffer from depression..." I gave Mack a disapproving stare.

"And you and I both agree he is a bad doctor....." he concurred. "Let me find you one who isn't going to make your lifestyle an issue in your treatment...." he explained. I understood what he meant and nodded to him. "Anyway....back to your Father..." he steered us back to the subject at hand. "Has your Father continually been judgmental of your life decisions?" I didn't have to think about this. 

"Yes...since I can remember..." I acknowledged. "He has always held me to incredibly high standards..." 

"And these standards pertained to what?"

"Well...everything!" I confirmed. He looked surprised and nodded.

"Alright....so that would include the things you mentioned before then...education, friendships, romantic relationships, career choices, family...all of it?" he asked me to confirm.

"Yes..." I agreed with a surge of emotion.

"And do you think it is fair for him to exact those standards on you?" he asked me bluntly.

No! I don't!" I replied passionately. He smiled at me.

"But you allow him to make you feel like a let down because he makes unreasonable demands upon you.." he informed me with sincerity. He is right. I do allow him to make me feel this way.

"I do allow it...yes..." I had to admit. I felt small inside at this realization.

"Why do you think that is?" he asked me with complete curiosity. I think I know why and I immediately realized a connection to Tiger Lily and me wanting another baby.

"Because I'm his only child....his one shot at greatness!" I said out loud. It felt good to admit these truths. To say them out loud. To verbalize these weighty thoughts that sit in my chest. "I know I want another child because I don't want all the onus put upon the one child..." I confessed. There I said it!

"I find it interesting that you chose to use the word 'onus' in your response..." Mack pointed out. "That is a word with a negative connotation to it...." I had not thought about it but he might be right. I am not sure.

"It can mean responsibility..." I tried to counter and he nodded to me.

"Yes...but it generally implies it in a negative context..." Mack leaned forward in his chair and gestured to me in an open manner. "I'm curious why you choose to dwell on your responsibilities as a child to your Father when you are a grown man?" he remarked to me. I hadn't thought about it in these terms. I reflected on his words. "You are almost 29 years old Brian....why do you feel you owe your Father anything at this time in your life?" he questioned. "As an adult, the best we can offer our parents is showing them we have found happiness and fulfilment in our adulthood and give them any credit they deserve for their part in it...." Mack made it sound so simple and easy. I wanted to believe him. But something inside me told me I owe my Father more than this.

"But I would be nothing with my Father..." slipped out of my mouth. I almost gasped at the words.

"You truly believe this?" Mack questioned me. I wasn't sure what to say. I had spoke the words so they must be true. Right? "I think we need to talk about this some more....how about next week?" Mack suggested. I glanced at the clock and realized our hour was already ending. I nodded agreement. 

"That sounds good..." I agreed and stood up from my comfortable chair in his office. Mack stood up as well and walked to his desk. He opened his book and began writing something down. He finished and look at me with a smile.

"First of all....don't dwell on this topic for the whole week okay?" he asked of me. I nodded agreement. I would do my best to let it keep until our next appointment. "I know you have a lot going on right now but I have some homework for you..." he informed me. I was curious what he had in mind. "I want you to make me a list of all the people you feel you've let down in life and why.." I immediately felt this was an overwhelming task but nodded agreement to him.

"When do you want it?" I asked him. He smiled warmly at me and gestured for the door.

"I'll let you know...just get started..." he replied. "I'll see you this same time next week?" he asked me. I thought about my schedule and nodded. He smiled at me and walked me to the door.

"What does your next week look like?" he asked me as he opened the door for me.

"We are moving in a few days and then it's my birthday and Roger is throwing me a party at the weekend." I explained. "Well...it's actually a joint birthday party for us both since we are only a week apart..." I added with a smile. "It's the first time we are having a pool party!" I told him excitedly. I didn't realize how excited I was at the prospect. He looked happy to hear about our plans.

"That sounds like the perfect way to celebrate...especially with this heat wave going on...." he remarked to me. "I expect to hear all about it next week...good luck with the move and I wish you and Roger a Happy Birthday!" he told me with a twinkle in his eye. I smiled at his sentiment.

"Thanks Mack...." I replied and left his office.

\----------------------- 

16th July 1976

"Why are we moving again?" Roger whined to me as he watched with trepidation as the mover's carried our bedroom furniture down the stairs. He was making sure they didn't hit the walls as they maneuvered the narrow passage.

"Because you decided you needed a fancy home befitting a man of your newfound wealth.." I said to him snidely. I almost laughed after I said it. He shot me a look of utter contempt. He walked over and leaned close.

"I'll get you for that remark later..." he informed me as he poked my side with his hand. I jumped as it tickled a bit. We shared a happy smile between us. Despite the short time frame of finding a house and finalizing the mortgage and closing, it wasn't too bad. Maybe it helped that I was seeing Mack and had an outlet to finally sort out my inner feelings. Having a place to take this made me better manage the day to day issues we have right now. Roger had told me more than once I was handling things better than he thought I would and was happy I was not too stressed. It felt good to hear I was doing something right and I focused on the tasks at hand.

With my organizational skills we had our home packed a few days ahead of time and were able to take a breather before the movers arrived. We went and closed on the sale and signed the reams of paper that Jim Beach, our solicitor, had read over for us. Jim helped us with the bank by implying this home purchase was a business investment for Roger and myself and that is why both our names should appear on all the legal documents. He attended the signing with us and we were grateful to him for his valuable help. I noticed that day that Roger seemed to struggle reading all the documents. It wasn't that he didn't understand what he was reading but it seemed like he was struggling to see the words on the page. I planned to say something about it on the way home but he became excited like a puppy when we were handed the keys to our new kingdom and he practically bounced in his seat the whole drive home. I forgot about it until now. I poked him back.

"Hey Rog...I meant to ask you something..." I casually said to him as he continued watching the movers. "Were you having trouble seeing those documents at the closing?" I asked him in a curious tone. His eyes immediately darted to mine and told me I was right. He looked like he had been caught in a secret. Before he could answer me one of the movers interrupted us.

"We are done filling the first lorry and are leaving...is someone at the other house?" the man asked us both. Roger shook his head and began moving towards the stairs and glanced my way for a brief moment before he followed the man down the stairs.

"I'll follow you over..." Roger informed him with an excited smile. I watched my husband disappear and smiled at his enthusiasm. I guess it's time for me to focus on what is left here. I walked into the other bedrooms to make sure everything was gone and then checked the storage areas and crawled into the attic space one more time. It was all emptied out. The movers were working on the downstairs furniture so I made my way down to see Clare waiting with Tiger Lily for our journey to our new home. I haven't received any news from Clare so far this month. She hasn't told me she got her period but she hasn't told me she is pregnant either. Perhaps it's too soon to tell or perhaps she's afraid to ruin my birthday in a few days with bad news. I thought about my lists of worries and decided to let this go for now and focus on the move today. We can always try again next month. Clare has the baby bag and our own bags by the front door and was walking Tiger Lily over to me as I approached. I noticed Squeaky was getting a little restless in her carrier. I didn't like that we had to keep her in it but she can't be in the way of the movers and I need her ready for when we leave.

"They should almost be done..." I remarked as I picked up my girl and she grabbed onto my hair in her gentle way.

"Papa gone..." Tigs remarked as Clare walked to check on something in the kitchen. I shook my head at the baby.

"That's right...he isn't here right now..." I explained to her as I made sure I was out of the way of the movers. "He went to the new house...we will go there soon...." I added. One of the movers stopped and smiled at us.

"She's a cute baby...." he remarked as he resumed his journey with one of our end tables. I smiled at his compliment. She is a cute baby. Our baby.

"Thanks.." I replied as he walked away. I bounced her in my arms and yelled to Clare. "We are going outside..." I informed her. I walked to the entrance and waited for the path to clear and went to stand outside to survey the lorry loading. I instantly felt the heat of the day and was grateful I had on a t-shirt and some old cotton shorts from ages ago. I honestly couldn't remember where they were from but found them when packing. I looked down at my feet and smiled at the trainers I had worn today. Roger had lectured me about the suitability of clogs as a safe shoe on moving day and I acquiesced and wore my sole pair of trainers. Roger had bought them for me last year and whined that I never wore them. He reminded me he wore the trainers I bought him all the time. I had pointed out that I bought them as a gift because he had ogled them from a store window. His purchase for me was a bargaining tool to get me to change up my shoe wardrobe. I found my clogs suitable for most occasions and stuck to their practicality. 

"We are finished..." the man announced to me as he carried some dining chairs to the lorry. A few men followed with assorted small items. Clare came out after they cleared the doorway with Squeaky and our bags. I sat Tiger Lily down and she walked with Clare to the car.

"I'll walk the house one more time and then we will go..." I told her and headed inside. I quickly ran up the stairs and did a final sweep and then checked over the lower floor. I checked on the back patio as well and found the plants and lawn chairs were gone as well. I smiled at the job well done by the movers and headed for the door. As I walked to leave I thought about the short list of memories made here. We hadn't been here but a year. Not that long. It had been a rush to find a new home before we had to leave for recording an album. Funny. We are in the throes of a new album again. It is a pattern with us it seems. I thought about Tiger Lily's birthday party right after we had moved in and my Father's harsh words about her existence at the time. As soon as I considered this I remembered he did come around. He showed up to her party and seemed to accept her place in our lives. That ended better than it started. Christmas had been special as well. As soon as I considered this fact my mind slipped to the days following the holiday and my mood instantly darkened. I immediately thought about those moments of sheer emotional agony laying on my bed and willing myself away from my pain in my head and my heart. How could I even think I wanted to leave those I love so much? Utter madness! Well...never again! I am saying goodbye to this chapter as I walked to the front door with purpose and slammed it on my way out. Clare looked surprised as I approached her with a widening smile.

"Everything alright?" she asked me as I walked up to the car.

"Yes...everything is going to be wonderful..." I said to her sincerely. We shared a hopeful expression as I opened the car door and a new chapter in my life.

\-----------------------------

19th July 1976

We couldn't have picked a more ideal summer to move to a house with a pool. It was turning out to be a record breaking year for summer heat. It was also turning into a drought with no rainfall in the south for quite some time. It felt odd not to have rain but I'm not complaining. Every ray of sunshine felt like a blessing on my soul. 

I laid in bed and listened to the sounds of my new home. They were different than the other place. More steeped in country life. Birds, insects and distant farm animals. There were no sounds of cars on the street in front of the house or of emergency vehicles flying down nearby roadways. There is a quiet beauty with the sounds of nature. Well. Except for the rooster that woke Roger at the crack of dawn our first morning here. The sounds Roger made in response to our new neighbor were not natural. Well. They are natural for Roger when he is grumpy. But I didn't mind. The rooster finally stopped and Roger slipped back asleep next to me and all was well with the world. When I woke up this morning I felt so rested. I slept hard because of being so physically tired. Between overseeing the movers and unpacking we have been going non-stop for several days. Buying the house, packing, moving and un-packing has absorbed us all. Even Tiger Lily was tired from her endless running through the large spaces in the new house as we worked to make this large space feel like home. 

Roger was up before me today and I yawned and stretched as I slipped out of bed. I felt a little stiff from unpacking. I went to the toilet and washed up. I walked back out into my room to find Roger standing there holding Tiger Lily in his arms. He was smiling widely at me and then leaned in and whispered something to the baby. She seemed to listen and without really turning directly towards me responded to him.

"Brimi!" she said out loud. She had added her 'r' ! She finally said my whole name! I almost burst into tears at how wonderful it sounded coming from her. 

"You said my whole name!' I told her with delight. Roger leaned into her ear again and whispered. She fussed with him and giggled and then looked at me. 

"Bird day!" she managed to mumble out to me. It was jumbled a bit but I understood her. I then remembered today actually is my birthday! Where had this week gone? I walked up to them both and pulled them into a hug.

"Happy Birthday Brimi...." Roger told me softly as I embraced my family. I took a moment to savor everything positive in my life. I don't always remember to do this but I am doing it today. How lucky I am to have my own family and to be do something I love in life and to make enough money to help provide a comfortable life for us all. To have my health and theirs as well. As I started my mental checklist I felt Roger slip out of my arms. He pulled away so we could share a quick kiss. I placed one on Tiger Lily as well.

"Thank you for the birthday wishes poppet..." I told her as she squirmed away from Roger and he sat her down to stand. She took off towards our door and Roger shouted after her.

"Stop!" he shouted and she stopped and turned to look at him. She formed a daring grin and I could tell this was some new game of theirs. They have both been quite hyper since we moved. She went to move and he laughed and started to give chase. I laughed as he took off after her. He turned towards me quickly as he neared the doorway.

"Come down to eat..." he told me and disappeared out the door. I wondered what they were up to and could hear them making all sorts of noise as they reached the stairs. I hoped Roger had a good hold on her as they navigated the steps. I quickly got around and headed downstairs. I could smell blueberries as soon as I neared the kitchen. The radio was on and I recognized the song playing. It was Elton's new single - 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart.' I found Clare manning the stove as Roger was filling a bottle of milk for Tigs. She was already in her high chair. Clare had her long hair pulled into a ponytail and she danced in place a little to the fast paced song as she scooped some blueberry pancakes on a plate and then added some scrambled eggs. I admired her ability to dance and cook simultaneously. She turned and walked towards me with the plate.

"Happy Birthday!" she told me sweetly and laid the plate down on the kitchen table for me. She leaned down and kissed my cheek and then hurried back to the stove. I watched her pour some more batter on the skillet.

"Thanks Clare...this is nice!" I told her fervently. The food smelled marvelous. Despite the heat I have been pretty hungry with all the work. I made myself a glass of orange juice from a pitcher on the table and a glass near my plate. I took a bite of my pancakes and they were moist and delicious. "Mmmm...delicious!" I remarked after I swallowed my bite. This is a lovely birthday breakfast. I enjoyed my treat as Clare handed Roger a plate for Tigs and he got her food sorted for her. I was halfway through my food when the telephone rang. Roger's face lit up and he looked at me.

"Could that be your first birthday call of the day?" he remarked to me. I smiled at him and stood up from the table and walked to the telephone installed in the kitchen. Clare turned the radio down as I picked up the handset. I turned and looked at Roger as I answered. He was getting his food from Clare but was watching me.

"Hello?"

"Happy Birthday Sweetheart!" 

"Hi Mum!"

"Are you having a nice day so far?"

"Yes...Clare made me some lovely blueberry pancakes.."

"That was nice of her....what have you planned for today?"

"Not a lot other than finishing un-packing....you know...since the pool party is this weekend...we want to be ready.." 

"Speaking of this party...are you sure there isn't anything your Father and I can bring to this event?"

"No...just yourselves....the food is all arranged and Freddie insisted about providing the cake so it's covered....sorry.." 

"That's alright....it just feels odd not making you something for your birthday dear..but I guess you are getting older and don't need me for these types of things anymore..."

"Mum! I'll always need you....and I love it when you make me anything..."

"Well...I'll bring something you can have the next day...since you'll be tired and all.."

"That sounds perfect....'

"Well...I won't keep you dear...we will see you at your party....tell everyone hello and give my little one a kiss from me..."

"I will....and don't forget....it's Rog's birthday party as well..."

"I never forget my son-in-law's birthday...."

"I know you don't...."

"Bye darling..." 

"Bye.."

I hung up the phone and enjoyed the amusement on Roger's face. He laughed as I walked back over to my seat.

"What?" I asked him. He shook his head at me as he chewed. I realized Roger hadn't quite got around to brushing his hair today and it was a bit wild. Not that mine looked any better.

"Your Mum is bringing something to the party isn't she?" he asked me in complete amusement. I smiled at his accurate observation.

"She might be.....she is bringing something for us to have the next day....since we will be tired.." I answered. "Is that a problem?" I asked him with a hint of mirth. He laughed lightly. 

"No...because my Mother will probably do the same..."

We finished breakfast and got busy. I asked for no birthday celebration or gifts today since we are so busy and there is the party. The day of my birthday flew by in a flurry of half un-packed boxes and pictures to be hung on walls. Some leftover furniture from the previous owners was kept and rearranged to work with our existing furniture. Roger frowned a lot and mumbled about a decorator as we tried our best to make our house presentable for our guests. I wasn't going to sweat it at this point. This place was grander than anyone else's home I knew of except for John Reid's place and the house in California we stayed in. I also had a feeling most guests were more interested in our swimming pool right now than well decorated our rooms are. Of course, our house also has some air conditioning. Another bonus this summer season.

The day before the party Roger's mother arrived for her first visit. Roger picked her up at the train station in London and headed back to Surrey. I know he is proud as punch to show her our new place. We were all excited to see her as it had been a while for Roger and myself. Winnie had visited Clare during our touring absence but had not seen the baby since we returned in late April. She was eager for her grandchild and had commented a few times to Roger that he was lax in driving her down for a visit in the south. He promised we would drive to Truro later this summer. I was in my study unpacking some of my collectables on to my new shelves when I heard the horn honk as Roger drove down the drive. I quickly got up and headed for the door. I found Tiger Lily with Clare coming from the living room. 

"Your Gran is here!" Clare announced to the baby as we walked to the door together. I opened the door and walked out to see Winnie and Roger looking at the grounds and the pool. Winnie looked wonderful as always. Her hair and makeup are perfect and she is wearing a madras plaid cotton jumpsuit and kitten heels. Her face was filled with wonder and pride and Roger beamed as he spoke to her about the details of the place. I kept quiet and watched her until she turned and saw me and her face erupted in a joyous smile.

"Hi Winnie!"

"Oh Brian! It's unbelievable!" she exclaimed as she stepped faster to meet me in the walkway and I held out my arms to hug her. She gushed as we embraced and she met me halfway for a tender shared cheek kiss. "Look at you dear...you and Roger are looking so tan and fit...and this house ..oh my goodness!" she began to spew out happy comments about the state of us both as she began to resume her focus on the house. I moved aside as Roger took her arm to show her inside. Tiger Lily popped out the door and Winnie dropped Roger's hand and practically screamed in delight as her hands flew up in the air.

"My lovely precious angel! There you are!" Winnie cooed to her as she picked Tiger Lily up to squeeze the oxygen out of her. "Did you miss your Granny? Yes you did!" Winnie kept hold of her as Roger and I followed her in the house. I hoped Tiger Lily could still breath but she was giggling and seemed happy to see her Grandmother. Clare got the next round of greetings and Tiger Lily squirmed away to stand on her own. Roger got hold of his mother again and began the grand tour of the house. He waived me over to join them and soon all of us walked and listened as Roger showed off our humble abode. 

After a detailed tour Winnie retired to her guest room for some freshening up and I got back to finalizing my collection in the study. I purposely placed these items on the higher shelves so a certain pair of little hands couldn't get to them. It felt a little silly to keep some of these childhood mementoes but I loved finally having room to actually enjoy them. My biggest joy was laying out my first stereoscopic viewer that I got in my Weetabix cereal box all those years ago and the collection of stereo cards that followed. 

When I finished I pulled out the Diablerie stereo card Roger bought me as a Halloween gift two years ago. I carefully placed it in a desktop easel to display it proudly. I have several others that I like better visually but this one is special because Roger found it for me. This is the one that means the most.

After laying everything out and emptying my books into the lower shelves I felt I was finished. Now I just need a desk for my room but that is for another day. I closed the door after making sure Squeaky wasn't hiding somewhere inside. She has remained elusive since we moved but has a lot of spaces to explore. I left to join the others for any remaining items on our 'to do' list. Tomorrow is fast approaching.

23rd July 1976

I woke up to the sound of something along the lines of a construction crew in my yard. For a moment I thought I was back in my old house in Fulham and a city crew was at work on my roadway. I blinked twice and opened my eyes and confirmed I am in fact in my new home. I turned my head to find Roger was not there. The bathroom appeared empty. The distinct sound of what was certainly a large mallet hitting something metal made me sit up in bed. What the fuck? I hopped out of bed and walked out of my bedroom to look through the hallway window into the back garden. To my utter horror there were about 10 men moving about and four of them appeared to be erecting a large tent. A tent? What is going on? I began to head for the stairs to go find out what was happening but quickly realized I only had on my briefs. I ran back to my room and found my shorts from the previous day and pulled them on as I continued to hear the increasing noises of labor in my yard. I ignored my hair and my breath and grabbed the first t-shirt I saw in my dresser drawer and pulled it over my head as I made quick work of the spiral staircase. I bolted straight for the back door by my study and flung the door open. I took several steps outside to find Roger smoking a cigarette as he watched Freddie speaking animatedly to a man holding a clipboard. Roger noticed me and smiled widely as he pulled his cigarette from his mouth.

"Morning sunshine!" he greeted and winked at me. I stood and placed my hands on my hips and glared at him.

"What is all this?" I barked at him. He raised his eyebrows and pointed to Freddie.

"It's all Freddie's idea!" he blamed the person standing next to him. Freddie finished his words with the man and turned to look at me with his Cheshire cat grin.

"Surprise!"


	69. You Make Me Feel...Like A Millionaire - Part 4

23rd July 1976

Surrey England

Brian's POV

"Why is a tent being erected in my garden Fred?" I demanded to know as I folded my arms in front of my chest to show I am serious. "And why are all these men milling about?" I looked around at the variety of men setting up outdoor lawn chairs, tables, sound equipment and what is clearly a bar area. Roger continued smoking his cigarette and watched my interrogation with a smirk on his face.

"It's your birthday party dear....well...yours and Roger's...and this is my present to you both....a proper soiree!" Freddie elucidated to me with a dramatic flair of his hand. I wasn't quite satisfied with his generalized response regarding the disruption to my home.

"You said you wanted to arrange for some food and cake Fred...I can understand a few folding tables and chairs....but why do we need a tent and all this?" I waived my own arm about displaying to Freddie exactly what I wanted an answer for. Freddie followed the direction of my hand and then had to move a few steps closer to me as a laborer came through pushing a large catering cart. Freddie walked over and placed his arm around my waist and attempted to lead me back inside the house. He began walking me forward and patted my arm as I gave in and moved. I noticed him glance back at Roger looking for some support.

"I honestly don't have time to get in a lengthy discussion about all the semantics of today's party with you right now....how about you go back inside and get a shower and shave and something to eat? A nice cup of tea perhaps? I'll come find you when we're done and we can talk then....alright?" Freddie's speech to me felt reminiscent of a mother trying to dismiss a young child. I was slightly insulted and readied my marked response but Roger came up behind him and replaced Freddie at my side. Freddie slipped away like a stealth feline and Roger pressed his hand into my waist as he led me back towards the stairs.

"C'mon...it's Freddie Bri! You know how he is....don't fight it.....just go with it..." was Roger's sage advice. I then realized an argument with Freddie about the scale of his party planning at this point was moot. The delivery men and all their trappings are already here. I let out a defeated sigh as Roger started me up the staircase. I turned to look at Roger who had slipped his arm from my waist but he turned me back around and then used his hands to pat my bottom. "Up you go! See you in a bit...." Roger coaxed me. I couldn't help but smile at him and obey and went to get cleaned up and would then go find some food. As I reached the landing I saw Roger grinning with victory as he winked at me and began to whistle a song as he took off back outside. I guess some things aren't worth arguing about.

\--One hour later--

In the melee of departing service people and arriving guests, I actually forgot my parents are coming. I only remembered because of a phone call they made from the nearby village to confirm they were in the right area. I swiftly headed outside to wait for them as I mingled with Roger, Deacy, Veronica, Freddie and Mary. David Minns is absent due to business commitments in the United States. I guess that keeps things simple for Freddie at the moment. Deacy had brought their son but he was inside napping right now in the cool quiet of the upstairs nursery. Winnie was tending to Tiger Lily for us. I listened for the car and soon heard one coming up the drive. I am excited but feeling a bit nervous. My father had received a bonus at work for their finished project on the new Concorde airplane. I had convinced him to get himself and my mother a car. They deserved one and could enjoy more outings in their free time as a result. One great benefit was the ease to come see us in Surrey.

I excused myself from the mingling group of people and walked to meet them as they left the driveway. Both of my parents looked a bit overwhelmed as they took in the site of my new home. I smiled as I came up to them both. My mother was carrying her handbag and an aluminum pan. She had on a lightweight yellow dress and my father had actually skipped his traditional garb for a short sleeve button down shirt and light brown trousers. He had even donned a straw fedora hat against the sunlight. A large wrapped box was under his arm.

"Hi Mum! Hi Dad!" I greeted them with a proud smile and my Father nodded acknowledgment as he looked over the grounds. I tried to gauge if he was impressed or embarrassed by it all.

"Is this really all yours?" my Mother asked me in apparent disbelief as I came up to her. I leaned in and kissed her cheek and took the pan from her. I grinned at her and nodded.

"Yes...it's mine and Roger's and Tiger Lily's..." I confirmed to her. "And I guess you can throw Clare in there as well....we can't get on without her..." I added as I wrapped my arm around my Mother's back and began the walk to the house. My father looked reserved in his observations of the place and remained silent. I wasn't sure what to think. I decided to not let it take over my thoughts and kept them moving. We arrived at the yard and the beginnings of the party.

"Oh my!" my Mother exclaimed as she took in the decorations, the tent full of catered food, a complete outdoor bar and table clothed seating. She stood gob smacked at Freddie's efforts and almost seemed self conscious about the simple aluminum pan resting in my hands.

"It is pretty amazing! Just so you know Freddie had this catered and someone decorated for him. He is creative but he didn't execute this by himself..." I tried to assure her. "This is much grander than anything I would ever have put on for myself..." I explained to them both. "He just wanted to spoil Rog and I for our birthdays..." I laughed to show my own disbelief at how much this all was. It seemed to help as my mother gave me a grateful expression and gestured at the foil pan.

"Well tomorrow you might prefer a slice of my ordinary chocolate cake once this formal affair is over then..." my Mother commented to me. I instantly smiled and was thrilled to know she made the cake Roger and I both like so much. 

"Your cake is far from ordinary....if I don't eat it all first, Roger might...." I promised and found Roger coming up to greet them both. We made our way back to the small group of friends already here and excused ourselves to show my parents the house. As we looked at the lower floor I stopped and tucked the cake from my Mother in a far off corner of the kitchen counter and we finished showing them our living spaces. My father enjoyed my study and quickly looked over what I had chosen to display. We soon made our way upstairs and I showed off the sleeping quarters for our family and occasional guests. We were quiet due to the sleeping children. Winnie was heading down for the party and had a quick reunion with my parents. Tiger Lily was in Clare's room with her since she woke up and Robert was still napping. She came bounding up to my parents when Clare opened her door after hearing us. Tigs threw her arms up for my mother who beamed at the sight of her favorite baby. My mother picked her up as Tigs began calling her name a bit loudly.

"Nana!" she cried out to her. She was quickly quieted with a loving and gentle hand placed on her lips and a warm smile from my mother who quickly began walking her away from the nursery area to keep Robert asleep.

"Now sweetheart....let's be quiet for little Robert and go downstairs to make some noise.." my Mother told her gently. Tigs listened and seemed enchanted by her calm voice as she walked the stairs back down to the lower floor. Roger and I shared an amused expression at the magic our Mothers had over the baby. Winnie, my Father, Roger and I followed suit. Clare was finishing getting ready in her room.

When we arrived outside again I was surprised to find some additional arrivals at the party. The music was louder as well. Some of our crew was in attendance and I greeted Gerry Stickells, Ratty, Crystal and Big Rich. Peter Brown, our day to day man, also came along. This was a really nice turnout and I began to feel like this was our first real party Rog and I had ever had as a couple. It is nice! The small wait staff that remained to manage the food and drinks invited everyone to get some food and the party really began. A line quickly formed to enter the tent and make a plate from the buffet style arrangement. I lingered for awhile outside the tent and talked to Peter as I kept a hold of Tiger Lily while Roger got her some food. Peter was updating me on some studio news and Roger came out of the tent and walked Tiger Lily over to a table where her high chair was set up. He got her situated as Winnie and my mother came out with their own food. They all got seated at a reserved family table and Roger waived the server over to get them all drinks. As he went to get back in line for his own food he stopped as someone else arrived. 

"Jo!" he yelled and I turned to see Jo coming down the path from the driveway. She looked really chic and sunny in a red halter dress and cork sandals. She had someone with her who looked like they could be related to her. She was wearing similar clothes but had lighter colored hair. Roger and Jo embraced and kissed and she looked up and waived at me. I smiled and waived back. Jo turned to make an introduction of her guest to Roger and then they walked over to us.

"Brian May....meet my sister....Tricia Morris-Everett..." Jo informed me. I greeted her sister and then she was introduced to Peter. Roger leaned in towards me as the others spoke.

"She's the one who is a decorator..." he remarked to me. I nodded understanding and got out of the way as people began to leave the tent with their food. I began to get in line myself when someone shouted my name.

"Brian!" I turned and was thrilled to see Tom and his new wife Sandra. I walked over quickly and pulled him in for a brotherly hug. I was so happy they could make it. I gave Sandra a friendly hug and we shared a warm smile.

"Tom....Sandra...I am so glad you could come...it's good to see you both.." I told them. Roger approached us and I immediately wondered if Tom ever told Sandra about us. Since I took Clare to their wedding and there wasn't time for any real visiting; I wasn't sure. Tom smiled and stuck his hand out for Roger. Roger shook it firmly and smiled at Sandra and extended his hand to her.

"Roger....this is my wife Sandra.." Tom announced proudly to Roger; who donned his most beautiful smile for the newlyweds.

"It's lovely to meet you....congratulations by the way..." he expressed to them both. I noticed Tom and Sandra exchange a quick glance between them and some type of recognition crossed Sandra's face. She brightened up and smiled widely at Roger.

"Oh! You're Brian's husband!" she exclaimed in a sweet tone. "It's a pleasure to meet you..." Sandra expressed to him. She turned and beamed at me. "You do make a handsome couple..." she remarked with genuine affection. Tom pulled her into his side with a tender smile on his face. I felt a warmth go through me that had nothing to do with the bright midday sun.

"Thanks Sandra....that's lovely of you to say... " Roger spoke before I could and slipped his hand in mine. I embraced it and then I gestured with me free hand towards the tent.

"Please help yourself to some food and there are drinks over there...I hope you brought your swimsuits..." I said to them both. Sandra lifted up a tote bag on her shoulder at me and Tom smiled.

"This looks like an amazing place....can we get a tour after some lunch?" Tom asked me. I nodded and led him towards the tent.

"Food first....then a tour..."

\--2 hours later--

Despite the heat everyone had a wonderful time. The road crew in attendance ploughed through the food and drinks being served and spent a lot of time getting rowdy in the pool. Since there was a small staff ensuring we were fed and kept hydrated Roger and I managed to avoid some of the usual hosting duties and had some fun of our own in the pool and with our friends. A variety of invented games were played in the pool and the onlookers managed to stay dry. The road crew gang calmed down after a bit and some disbursed for more food and drink and a quieter set took over the pool. I noticed Tom having a discussion with Deacy as they sat with their legs dangling in the pool. Clare, Mary, Ronnie, Jo, Tricia and Sandra found room for themselves and enjoyed a dip in the refreshing waters. Baby Robert was taken around the pool in an inflatable dinghy and Tiger Lily hammed it up in her new pink and white polka dot swimsuit. She ran all around the party visiting and spent some time with all her array of people. With less noise everyone could hear the radio playing over some speakers and we all enjoyed the summer sounds from Capital Radio. After cooling off in the pool for a bit, I took Tiger Lily from Freddie as he had pulled her around on her little swim ring for a while. We both left the pool and I walked over to a stack of towels and got one to dry her off. I loosely dried myself and Tiger Lily and we walked over to the table where my Mother and Winnie were sitting and chatting together. I wondered where my Father was and looked around. I was worried he might grow bored with no other fathers or men around his age. 

"Where's Dad?" I asked my mother as I took a seat on a plastic chair and Tigs climbed into my lap. My mother had an amused look on her face as she pointed to the house.

"Your father is holding court inside with a few admirers..." she informed me. "He is giving a lecture on how he helped build your guitar..." I looked around and noticed that Big Rich, Ratty and Crystal were missing. I smiled as I shifted back into my seat and figured my Dad was probably enjoying the spotlight for a moment. Discussing his craftmanship put him in his element.

"Everyone on the crew knows the story about Red..." I told my mother with a sense of pride. She nodded understanding and we both watched as Winnie stood from the table.

"I need a break if you'll excuse me...." she told us. She headed for the house and I turned back to my mother as Tigs leaned her body into mine. I could tell the extra activity today was wearing her out. I put my arm around her to hold her in place so she could relax in the chair with me. My mother watched us with a loving expression.

"I need to say something to you Brian..." my mother announced to me in her soft voice. I made sure I showed she had my attention. 

"Yes..." I responded.

"I want to tell you how proud I am of you..." she said to me with conviction and warmth. "You really have made a lovely life for yourself and it makes me happy to see it..." My mother leaned over in her chair and placed one of her hands on my knee as she spoke to me. Her eyes radiated her love and admiration. "When you were so ill darling I really worried you would struggle and not achieve the things you held most dear....and I so wanted those things for you....a career in music and enough success to keep you comfortable....but you've certainly grown beyond that scale...." she explained to me and paused and looked around my new home. She smiled and returned her focus to my face. "And you know better than me that money isn't everything...and you have much more than that....you have a real family and friends and a caring environment for this little one to grow up in...." I felt so much pride and acceptance from my mother's kind words. I slipped a hand away from Tiger Lily to hold my mother's hand. 

"I learned what's most important from you Mum...." I assured her. She smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

"My biggest pride is watching you with her Brian.." my mother revealed to me. "I do worry about the lifestyle that goes with your work and the time you are away from home....but when I see her with you and with Roger as well....it is so evident she knows she is loved and is content and happy.....you are doing a good job with her...." her praise to me about my abilities as a parent meant more than any kudos I could get for writing or performing. I felt a little emotional but mostly gratitude that she took a moment to tell me this. How will she feel if we were are able to have another baby?

"That means a lot coming from you Mum.....you are a great role model as a loving and kind parent...thank you..." I said with deep appreciation. I could tell she was going to say something else but was interrupted by the loud voice of Freddie standing by a table with gifts on it.

"Can we get the birthday boys up here to open some presents?" Freddie asked the small crowd of partiers. I saw Roger walk towards the house to alert those inside we were going to open some gifts. I had been surprised when people showed up with packages. We didn't ask for anything and were thrilled to have them come see our new place and enjoy a swim on a hot day.

"I'll talk to you later...." I told my mother and went to stand up while keeping hold of Tiger Lily. She was getting a bit heavy between all her growing but also because she was feeling sleepy. I got a better grip on her as I walked over to the two chairs placed by the gift table. I took a seat and Tiger Lily slipped out of my grasp and walked over to look at the packages on the table. "Do you see all the nicely wrapped gifts poppet?" I asked her as she touched the ribbons and bows and ran her finger over a shiny silver box. Several people made cooing sounds at her and she turned to look at them all. 

"Pretty!" she remarked as Roger came up to sit in the other chair and she lost interest in everything else and walked over to lean against his side as he sat down. He immediately picked her up and got her settled on his thigh and we shared a warm smile between us. This has been a good day.

I was thrilled to find quite a few of the gifts we opened were for the both of us and turned out to be more of the house warming variety. Winnie bought us some new towels for our master bathroom and Jo had purchased matching lightweight summer robes for us both that had our first initial embroidered on them. They were a lovely satin material and a deep burgundy color. Tom and Sandra had gifted us a wonderful photo Tom had found of Roger and I from our earliest days. He had it enlarged and framed. We had never seen the picture before and were touched by his thoughtfulness. We both talked of hanging it in our bedroom. My parents had bestowed a joint gift on us as well. Roger let me tear the paper off and I pried open the cardboard box as my parents watched us. When I pulled the lid off I found inside an incredibly beautiful handcrafted wooden sign for our new home. It's name - Meadow Hall - was carved into the wood and it has been embellished with a lovely scroll pattern that had a musical note at the center of it. I instantly knew my father had made this. I was stunned and so was Roger.

"That is gorgeous! Where on earth did you get that made?" Winnie remarked to my parents.

"Harold made it..." Roger answered his mother as we both stood up and walked over to my parents. My father stood as we approached and we both pulled him into a hug.

"It's beautiful Dad.....thanks..." I told him and tried to keep my emotions in check. 

"It's just lovely Harold....thanks...." Roger said to him. I could tell my Father was satisfied to see how much we like it. "Can you help us hang it before you go?" Roger asked him. I knew what this meant to my Father. I also know that my Father is becoming someone important in Roger's life. My Father nodded graciously to Roger and patted him on the shoulder.

"I'll be happy to...son..." he told Roger. My mother and I shared a happy expression between us. Roger leaned over and kissed her cheek as thanks for the gift and the cake. Roger and I resumed our seats and opened some other gifts. John Reid had been unable to attend due to business matters with Elton John but a small box from him was in our stack anyway. Roger tore it open and pulled out a card first. He read it and smiled and handed it to me. I took the card and saw his hand written sentiment.

To Brian and Roger

To the couple who share everything - a band, a bed, a baby, an abode and now I hear you even share your birthday party? 

With affection and awe - John Reid

"Oh wow!" I heard Roger say and he handed me a scrolled piece of paper. I unrolled it and read it and saw it was a certificate for housekeeping services. He got us help with our housekeeping for the next six months! I noticed there was some fine print and read it.

FYI - This service is known for their discretion and provides these services for many of my business clients. Your privacy is as important to them as your porcelain surfaces.

"Rog...did you see the fine print?" I asked him. He glanced over the scroll again and shrugged. I took my opportunity to corner him about his eyesight and leaned close to him. "Someone is getting an eye exam for their birthday..." I whispered to him. He practically glared at me and I laughed out loud. Roger immediately grabbed another gift to change the subject and pulled the card to read it. He held the card up and blocked my view.

"It is for both of us..." he informed me and then handed me the card to read. It was from The Deacons. I smiled as I read the sweet sentiment inside. Roger tore the paper and opened the large box and peered inside. He immediately closed the lid and handed me the box.

"What is it dear?" Winnie asked him since Roger didn't hold up the present. I was curious and took a look inside the box. 

I almost gasped when I saw it was a copy of the book 'The Joy of Sex.' I tried to keep my face from showing the surprise of this erotic gift from such a seemingly innocent couple. I looked right over at John and Veronica who both had devilish grins on their faces. I turned my attention to Winnie and everyone else trying to come up with an explanation.

"It's just a book that Deacy remembered Roger and I liking....it's nothing you'd find interesting..." I mumbled and then looked over at The Deacons again. "Thank you Deacy.....Ronnie...." I told them flatly. They both maintained their knowing expressions. Roger quickly grabbed another gift and handed it to me as he took the box with the illicit book from me. I smiled and read the card. "It's to Roger and I both from Ratty, Crystal and Rich...." I announced to everyone and handed Roger the card. It was a typical card from men with a photo of a beer and a reference to partying on it. I tore the gift wrap and opened the box and then promptly slammed the lid shut. "You know what?" I said to everyone at the party. "I'm dying for some cake!" Ratty, Crystal and Rich all began chuckling at my discomfort. Roger leaned in towards me as Winnie stood up and announced that cake would be served in the food tent. Everyone began to mill about to get cake and some drinks. I opened the lid when the coast was clear. Freddie came walking up towards Roger and myself.

"What did they get us?" Roger asked me as I opened the lid wider. His eyes grew wide and he stifled a loud gasp. I had too as well. Inside the box was two pair of handcuffs, a velvet eye mask, several long silk scarves and a massive bottle of lube. I closed the lid and we turned to face each other and started to laugh.

"And what pray tell did those deviants bestow on you for your birthdays?" Freddie asked us as he arrived at our chairs. Roger flipped the lid up on the box and Freddie peeked inside. A wide grin appeared on his face and he looked at both of us with a devious expression.

"Tie Your Mother Down indeed!" he quipped to us and walked away. Roger and I burst out laughing at the reference to the song we were working on in the studio at the moment. Roger closed the lid on the box and leaned close to me.

"I think that needs to go straight to our room....right now..." Roger suggested. He grabbed the box and then I found the one with the sex book and stacked it on top of the one on his arms. He began the walk to the house and I worked to divert anyone from stopping him.

\----------------------------

Everyone had cake and ice cream and the party began to wind down. As much as our crew is into partying and staying up all night, there is family here today and two small children. We see plenty of hard partying on the road. Deacy and Ronnie left first so they could get Robert home for his bedtime. Tom and Sandra left after a promise of a casual dinner for just the four of us sometime soon. A trail of other guests left shortly thereafter. The caterer and other staff began the cleanup and the leftover food was stored in our kitchen. Our large refrigerator was stuffed and we encouraged some people to take some food with them. As we said goodbye to our remaining guests and thanked Freddie for throwing us a wonderful party I noticed that Clare had not been around that much today. She had enjoyed some food and a brief time in the pool. As the day wore on she seemed to disappear. I wondered if she had got her period and wasn't feeling well. Winnie had taken care of Tiger Lily this afternoon and now her and my mother had got the baby settled for bed before my parents left. I felt sad that Clare's fun today may have been spoiled. 

Roger and I walked the grounds around the house to check for any trash or other items and then headed inside together. Our presents were piled on a table in the living room. We would see to them tomorrow. The racier gifts had been secured in our bedroom by Roger earlier. Roger turned out the lights on the lower floor except for a kitchen light we leave on and we headed upstairs. He slipped his hand into mine and we shared a contented smile as we reached our room.

"Is Clare alright? I didn't see much of her..." I remarked to him as we reached our doorway. Roger looked surprised and I wondered if he had just realized the same thing. She had not been around much. His eyebrows raised as he began to walk to her bedroom door. I followed him and we both stopped at her closed door. "Maybe she isn't feeling well.." I said to him as a hint that I probably know why she wasn't around. I'm disappointed if that is the case, but not upset. Roger looked concerned. He tapped lightly on her door.

"Who is it?" Clare asked softly.

"It's me Bear.....well...me and Brian...." he told her quietly. "Can we come in?" he asked her. I hope she is okay and was relieved when she told us to come inside.

"Yeah....come on in...." she answered. Roger turned to me with an encouraging look.

"We'll just make sure she's okay..." he told me as he opened her door slowly. I stood behind Roger but could see her resting in bed as we stepped in her room together. She looked tired but smiled at us both. She was already dressed for bed and had her blanket pulled up to her chest.

"Everything alright? We didn't see you much tonight?" Roger asked her as he walked towards her bed. I lingered by the door and watched them. Clare smiled sweetly at him and then leaned over and waived me in. I nodded and walked closer to the bed to see she was okay.

"Oh...I'm fine you two...." she informed us as she patted her throw pillow and shrugged at us. "I did get a bit warm earlier and it made my stomach queasy...." she explained. I was relieved to hear this and smiled at her.

"I hope you're feeling better now..." I remarked to her as she looked at me with a sweet expression. She nodded and smiled at me.

"I am.....I threw up and I feel much better....thanks.." she said to me casually. I was surprised she had felt that ill and my brow furrowed.

"You threw up? Are you sure you're okay?" I asked her as my concern for her grew. Roger chuckled and Clare began to giggle. I wasn't sure what was funny about her being ill.

"What's so funny?" I asked Roger. "Your sister is sick and you're laughing about it?" I asked him sternly. Feeling a little cross at his callous attitude. I realized Clare was giggling as well and wondered what had got into them both. Roger tried to stop laughing but kept a wide grin as he looked at me and ran his hand up my arm.

"You better get used to it Bri...." he told me as he tried to keep hold of his amusement. "Morning sickness comes all hours of the day and night..." I was going to challenge his continued disregard for Clare's comfort when I realized he had said 'morning sickness.' Morning sickness! My heart began to flutter in my chest and I know my eyes practically popped out of my head.

"Did you say morning sickness?" I asked him carefully. I gauged his eyes and saw confirmation of my question. I immediately turned to look at Clare. She beamed at me and nodded with a gleeful grin on her face. "So you're???" I asked Clare directly. She nodded again.

"Yes....I am!" she told me with the loveliest expression on her face. Oh my god! She is pregnant! I felt a wave of emotions roar through me and my face erupted into a massive smile. I could tell Clare and Roger both were watching me for my reaction. I don't think I disappointed them. I actually was so overcome with the surprise of it that I had to sit down on the end of Clare's bed and clutched at my stomach. I was almost queasy myself as the butterflies were erupting from my insides. From sheer joy. I got a hold of myself and resumed my smile.

"So you know for certain you're pregnant?" I carefully asked her. Clare nodded to me and then glanced at Roger.

"They have some home pregnancy tests you can buy at the chemists but they are new and I wasn't confident with how reliable they are...." Clare explained to me as Roger and I listened. "I went to the doctor's right before we moved and had a blood test and they called me two days ago with the results.." Clare was so casual telling me this. Like she was telling me about a shopping trip or something ordinary. I am just in complete awe of how calm she is about the whole thing. I scooted closer to her on the bed and reached out to hug her. She instantly beamed at me and accepted my offer. I embraced her and her wonderful news. We slowly pulled apart.

"Clare! Thank you so much.....I just..." I am truly speechless and don't know how to convey what I am feeling. Clare nudged me away from her and looked up at Roger.

"Take your dumbstruck husband to bed...." Clare teased and I smirked at her for lightening the moment for me. "Brian....just promise me you aren't going to obsess over this....alright?" Clare asked me in a tender tone. I wanted to tell her it was a bit late for this request but nodded to her and then looked up at Roger who was watching my face for my response.

"I'll do my best....luckily I have an album to record, a tour to undertake and a husband to keep me occupied..." I replied to her with my sincerest regard.

"And a therapist to boot..." Roger added with a hint of humor. He is right. Mack can help me sort out the excessive worry. That is certain. I leaned over and kissed Clare's cheek and then stood up from her bed. Determined to prove I will take this in my stride. 

"Well....get some rest Clare....good night..." I said as casually as I could muster. She looked amused at my restraint and tucked her blanket up towards her chin.

"Good night Bri....." she replied and her and Roger shared a surprised expression as I headed for the door.

"Coming Rog?" I asked him as I opened the door. He shrugged at Clare and began to head my way. I held tight to my neutral demeanor as Roger reached me. We slipped out of her room and Roger gently closed her door. We began the steps towards our room and I felt like I might float there as I allowed myself to feel everything that was bursting inside me. I had to react somehow and do something or I felt I would explode. In a burst of spontaneous joy I turned and lifted Roger off his feet and picked him up by his hips. He gasped at my actions and had to lean into my shoulder as his hands grabbed my shoulders to keep from slipping out of my hold on him. He shifted down a bit due to weight and gravity but I grabbed him by the thighs and bottom and he slipped into my arms as I carried him to our room. I managed to get the door closed using my foot.

I slowly walked the steps to our bed as our eyes held each others gaze and he had his arms wrapped around my neck. He leaned in and kissed me softly as I stood at his side of the bed but didn't set him down. He is heavy in my arms but the strain felt a little satisfying. My Roggie.

"So is that the best birthday present you've ever got?" he asked me softly as we shared a few more kisses. I smiled at him and couldn't resist the tease.

"Your kisses are always the best gift any day of the year...." I toyed back. He smirked at me.

"Really?" he replied in mock disbelief. I then had a better idea.

"Oh? You mean the sex book and the handcuffs and such.." I remarked casually. He shot me a complete look of disdain.

"You know I mean the baby..." he said to me coyly.

"I know what you meant..." I replied softly. We shared a warm loving smile between us. "And yes....it probably is the best birthday gift ever..." I agreed. I kissed him again. "But none of this would be possible without you babe..." I reminded him. It is true. "And I wouldn't want this with anyone but you..."

"Happy Birthday Brimi...."

"Happy Birthday Roggie..."


	70. New of The World - Part 1

26 July 1976

London / Surrey / Oxfordshire

Roger's POV

What a difference a year can make! I laid in bed and thought about the course of my life since my last birthday. So much has changed. At this moment a year ago I was miserable. I felt my life had been turned upside down by the unwanted addition of a child and complete disruption to my contented little world I resided in. My bubble of an existence I had with Brian. We shared a decent sized flat and a comfortable bed. A car built for two and a life built much the same. I was happy in that world. And then came Tiger Lily. And everything that came with it. It is hard to believe now how bitter and resentful I felt about her abrupt appearance in my life. The anger and mixed bag of feelings that came with that paternity suit letter and then the gut punch of her mother's sudden death and the unfair choices thrust upon me regarding my baby's future. Feeling completely overwhelmed and unprepared for parenthood. 

I shifted under the bed sheet and turned on my side as I considered all the fallout from my daughter's arrival. I sighed into the pillow as I recalled the immediate resentment I felt that Brian was better suited to the task of childcare than me. I also recalled the fear he would love her more than me. I would never admit to feeling it at the time but it was true. I already knew of Brian's desire for a child so it was like he was handed a gift and I was handed a punishment. And I handled it oh so well! Such maturity! Not only did I emotionally neglect my poor baby for a time I also seemed inclined to take out my angst on Brian and those around me. 

I cringed inside at the thought of my incredibly poor choices made during that summer and fall. The immense amount of alcohol and time spent away from my husband and child. The drugs. And putting myself in situations that led to sexual encounters that came back to haunt me in the most embarrassing of manners. And I thought getting a girl pregnant was bad enough? The emotional toll my behavior took was something I will have to live with for the rest of my life. The damage to my relationship with Brian. The stress placed upon Brian that caused him to break. The disappointment of my sister and my friends in knowing how selfish and destructive I had become. The secrets we now keep from our parents. 

But I am so fucking fortunate! I am lying next to my Brian right now. We survived the storm and came out of it together. And our beautiful daughter is sleeping soundly in her comfortable room down the hall. My sister, who I am so grateful for, slumbers as well in her spacious quarters. She cares for our precious daughter and now carries the precious promise of another child to fill another room and another part of our hearts. Who would have thought a year ago as I laid in bed and thought my life had gone to shit that so much could change. That I would not only be so fucking grateful for my Tiger Lily but that I would actually be happy about the possibility of sharing my life with another child as well. As long as I can share this with Brian then I am a happy man. 

"You awake?" Brian asked me and I opened my eyes to find him watching me as he laid on his side facing me. I smiled and nodded lightly to him. "Happy actual birthday..." he told me sweetly as he acknowledged that today is in fact my birthday.

"I am officially 27 years old Bri..." I remarked to him. "I'm almost past my prime..." I joked. Brian's face held an incredibly cute grin and he leaned in and kissed my nose.

"I think you have quite a few years before you reach your 'sell by' date Rog..." he informed me. "You don't look a day over 21 to be honest..." he added. He sounded sincere. I want to believe him. "I do need to say that even though your eyes were closed, you looked awfully pensive a few moments ago....that kind of worry while half awake will age you....." Brian observed. "Take it from a worrier....I'm already sprouting lines on my face..." he tried to convince me and pointed to his forehead and the corner of one of his eyes. I didn't really see what he was referring to.

"I guess I can take solace in the fact that no matter how old I get....you will always be older than me..." I teased and Brian acted offended by my remark. He then took my hand in one of his and smiled at me.

"So what are you thinking about that has your brow furrowed?" he asked me. I was going to shrug it off but I am still working on sharing my feelings with Brian. Something we are both trying to get better at. I decided this is a good opportunity to practice this important tool.

"I was considering where I was exactly one year ago and where I am now.....how I almost screwed up my life, my happiness by not dealing with everything I was feeling and just trying to drink it, drug it and fuck it all away...." I said to him bluntly. He looked at me intently.

"Don't forget to consider how you worked to remedy your situation and make things right again.." he reminded me. I smiled warmly at him.

"I do consider it....and I am grateful for how things have worked out....believe me..." I assured him. "It is just amazing to realize how much my life has changed in one year and that I find myself truly happy again...." I wanted him to know I feel I am in a good place. So far away from that old misery. He didn't answer me with words. He leaned over and placed a tender kiss on my lips. It felt warm and wonderful. I reached up with my hands and slipped them in his hair and held his head as I deepened our kiss. I love his morning kisses. Always have. Brian pulled away from me with a deep smile.

"I seem to recall that we were getting frisky on your birthday last year but were interrupted by a crying baby..." Brian reminded me as he pulled the bed sheet off of me and pushed me on to my back. I couldn't help but smile myself at the awkward memory of Brian trying to give me head and being distracted by Tiger Lily calling for him. It was a complete mood killer. 

"Well....that baby sleeps through the night these days and there are two other people in this house right now who can see to her needs..." I pointed out to Brian as he began to kiss my neck and shoulders and he ran his hands up and down my arms and sides. I happen to glance at the clock and saw it was almost 9 am though. We are working today because we are behind schedule and have to drive to the studio north of London. I really want to get laid but we are on a time schedule. I almost wanted to laugh at how ordinary this felt. A working man trying to get fucked before work. I gripped Brian's arms to get his attention and he lifted his head up from my chest and looked at me.

"I really feel old saying this but we have to be at work soon and I do want to get laid for my birthday...can we speed this up?" I reported to him. Brian quickly glanced at the clock and groaned. He suddenly lifted up from his position next to me and grabbed my hand as he slid out of bed.

"C'mon birthday boy...." he ordered and I allowed him to pull me from the bed as we walked into the bathroom together and I closed the door.

Brian got the shower going and then pulled his sleep shorts off and tossed them to the side. I quickly got out of my night clothes as well and Brian slipped into the glass shower stall and beckoned me to join him. I realized we haven't christened this shower since we moved. Shit! We actually haven't had sex in this house yet. I stepped in and closed the door behind me. There is room for two but not much more. Brian got himself covered in water and pulled his hair back from his face as he pulled me under the warm water. We both quickly got lathered up with soap and helped each other get clean. Our assistance soon turned to other pleasures. I loved the feel of Brian's large delicate hands sliding up and down my back as I was drenched in water and desire. I slicked my own hair back as Brian pulled me in for a kiss. We both got busy with each other and each grabbed the other's cock as our tongues met and we both got hard. I pushed Brian against the wall and lifted my leg up to grind against his thigh and crotch as I stroked him and kissed him passionately. I thought about taking him for my birthday but relished the thought of him filling me up and pounding me good. I pulled away from Brian and then I switched places with him. He got the hint and reached for a bottle of lube we now kept in our shower behind the shampoo. Brian expertly got his fingers coated and then turned me around to face the wall. I felt a rush of excitement as he pressed himself against me. Then he slid his body down my own and I spread my legs a little as I felt his hand go towards my bottom. I felt both of his hands spread my cheeks wide and then moaned in delight when he began to tickle my hole with his tongue. He licked and sucked and poked on me as he reached around my front and gently stroked my cock. I was in heaven as he worked me from both sides. He soon slipped a finger inside me as he continued to tease me with his tongue. My legs felt a little wobbly from the rush of electricity that filled my core. I pressed my hands into fists as I groaned in immense pleasure. My forehead was flat against the wall and I almost whined when I felt Brian move his mouth off of me and slip more fingers inside me. He slowly stood back up and leaned his body against me as I was pressed into the wall. He placed his face against the side of my head and breathed heavily into my ear as he curled his fingers inside me. I gasped in sheer pleasure when he pressed and curled into me.

"Feel good?" he asked me in a deep voice. 

"Yes...." I breathed back to him. 

"I've never fucked a 27 year old...." Brian teased me. I grinned as I sighed in happy anticipation of his next move.

"Well...what are you waiting for?" I retorted to him. I felt his fingers slowly slip out of me and he grabbed one of my hips. The feel of the head of his cock at my entrance was just what I needed and he pushed in slowly and beautifully. I will never tire of how much I love the size of him. His body, his hands, his cock and mostly his heart. Brian slipped an arm around me and held me to him as he began to thrust into me. We both began breathing heavily as he picked up the pace. His hand slipped from my stomach down to take my cock and stroked me in a slow and easy manner. He kissed and grazed my neck with his lips and teeth. Everything felt delicious in the warm water and in his arms. Despite the rushed feeling because of work we still enjoyed each other and finished off nicely. While I sometimes really like my sex hard and edgy there is sometimes nothing better than just being loved by Brian. I felt this right now. I hoped I would have it forever.

\--------------------- 

"Did you call to get an appointment?" Brian asked me as I drove us north to Oxfordshire in my little green monster. With it being another hot summer day, we took the two seater with the top down. I glanced at myself in the rear view mirror to note the ultra cool shades that currently cover my eyes. I know Brian is referring to me securing a visit to an eye doctor. Since he caught me being unable to read the documents at our house closing he has mentioned more than once I need an eye exam. I know I need one but cannot stand the idea of having to wear glasses. Now this will really make me feel my age. I like sunglasses and all - but prescription eyeglasses feel so uncool to me. 

"Not yet....we've been so busy..." I argued to him as I fumbled for my cigarettes. Brian found them for me and lit me one as I drove north up the M40 motorway. I took it and savored a drag from it as I tried to figure out how to change the subject. "It's my birthday....save it for another day..." I suggested to him. He looked a touch irritated and then sighed at me.

"Fine...I'll remind you again tomorrow..." he replied with a wry smile. I rolled my eyes at him and returned my focus to the road ahead of me. I know I will have to break down and do this. Brian will not relent on it. It was time to change the subject though.

"Do you think we are going to finish this album in time?" I asked Brian. I think we both know the answer but it was another topic besides my poor eyesight. He gave me a knowing look and sighed.

"I don't know what possessed Reid to think we could deliver a new record by August or September...it's just not enough time to rest from tour, write new material and get it recorded...I mean...you haven't finished a song yet and neither has Deacy.....shit! I haven't even finished the few I feel are good enough to offer up...plus it has been nice to get a bit of a break from it all and enjoy some personal time...." Brian began to continue on about his concerns and reflections and I listened as we drove. I happened to notice the fuel gauge and realized I forgot to stop for petrol yesterday. Shit! I needed to stop to make sure we had enough to get home after work today. With us working late hours I couldn't guarantee to find a station late at night.

"We will deliver a great album....it just will be on our timeline...not Reid's..." I confirmed to Brian. "I have to stop for petrol....." I remarked as I saw an exit and pulled off to find a station. I drove up to get the full service option and Brian stayed in the car while I went inside. I wanted something to drink. It was another hot day without rain and I was pretty thirsty. I found the cooler inside the little shop and pulled out two chilled bottles of orange soda. The attendant was reading a newspaper as I walked up to pay. I could see the cover of the paper and something caught my eye as he lowered it to acknowledge me and ring up my drinks. 

"Mornin..." he mumbled to me as he laid the paper down with the cover facing up. As he rang up my items I scanned the cover to see what had grabbed my attention and almost gasped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It was the News of the World paper and on the right side of the front page was a photograph of Brian and myself. I tried not to show any reaction and hoped the man wouldn't recognize me from the photo. I casually grabbed a copy of the tabloid from the stand adjacent to the counter and laid it down. The attendant barely registered my presence as he added the newspaper to my total. I pulled a couple of pound coins from my pocket and quickly grabbed my drinks, the paper and my change. I scurried out the door to see the petrol servicemen finishing up. My heart was racing as I walked up and shuffled the items in my arms to get my wallet out to pay but noticed Brian leaning over towards him from his side of the car with a fiver in his hand. 

"Keep the change..." Brian said to him graciously as the attendant took the money and smiled widely as I slipped by to get in the car. I handed Brian a soda as I got settled in my seat. I kept hold of my drink and the paper as the petrol man walked over to another customer. Brian took a sip of his drink and I peered around to make sure we didn't have an audience.

"What did you get?" Brian asked me benignly as he watched me set my drink between my legs and unfold the newspaper. He read the headline - 'You're My Best Friend - or More?? The Bohemian Lifestyle of Queen's Taylor and May.'

"Oh shit!" Brian shouted and then realized how loud he was and lowered himself in the car seat a bit. His face registered shock and dismay as we read over the headline. Fuck! The reporter went through with it and printed his story!

"I really thought since he hadn't published anything he had dropped the fucking story..." I swore to Brian as we both sat in utter disbelief. "It's been weeks since he showed up at our door....I really did think he just let it go..." I muttered as my shock began to turn to anger and outrage. "I don't fucking believe this!" I suddenly let out and slammed my hand against the steering wheel. Brian jumped in his seat in response to my outburst. I immediately grew concerned about Brian's state of mind in seeing our worst fears in actual print. He immediately began flipping the pages to find the actual story that was teased on the front page. A horn sounded behind us and we both literally came out of our seats. Another car was waiting for their turn to get petrol and I immediately started the car up and quickly checked around me before pulling out of the station. 

"I'll drive and you read..." I told him as I turned into the road to head back to the motorway. I tried to maintain my cool since I was driving and we needed to get to the studio. I tried to take some deep slow breaths and waited.

"Here it is!" Brian declared to me and I heard him sigh. His voice was a little shaky but he didn't sound too bad off. Yet! 

"Go ahead..." I encouraged and steeled myself for what was to come.   
\------------- 

'As Queen sits comfortably in the top ten chart with their recent single, 'You're My Best Friend,' and is still riding high off their magnificent run at #1 with their mammoth operatic 'Bohemian Rhapsody,' interest in the pop group has grown as much as their sales figures. Plenty of press has been written about their flamboyant and arrogant lead singer Freddie Mercury. He garners most of the attention of the enigmatic foursome that make up the rock band. Their bass player, John Deacon, seems to enjoy a minimal amount of attention from both the press and the fans. Deacon, 25, is married and has an infant son and appears to lead the most traditional life of the successful act. 

It is well known that Freddie Mercury, 29, has a longtime girlfriend in Mary Austin. The pair share quarters in Kensington and are regularly seen together in the social circles of London's music scene. While speculation has circled Mercury from time to time regarding his sexual proclivities, he is often found to be amused by the questions from the press rather than offended and often offers up a cavalier response. 'I'm as gay as a daffodil darling! ' was a recent retort to a direct question from yours truly when I spoke with the gentleman in question at his London home.

While Freddie enjoys a tete-a-tete with the occasional journalist about his private life, the band members who seem the most muted on the topic are guitarist Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor. With growing fame and the riches and opportunities afforded up and coming rock stars, one would think you would find these two bachelors living it up in their own luxury flats in the heart of London's singles scene with a different lady on their arm each night. But this is not the case. These band mates not only share the stage but also share a home. Taylor, 26, considered the best looking band member by many does not appear to have a regular girlfriend. Or any girlfriend for that matter. The only female in his life appears to be his one year old daughter, Tiger Lily. His daughter does live with him since the baby's mother died tragically. Roger was not married to nor in a relationship with the baby's mother at the time of her passing. Roger's sister, Clare Taylor, resides with him and helps care for her niece due to the demands of her brother's career. And this household has another tenant as well. Guitarist Brian May.----- 

"Here we go!" I grunted as Brian read on. 

\------  
May, 28, has continually shared a home with Taylor since the early days of Queen. In fact, this reporter could not confirm any former residence of the guitarist since leaving his family home that did not include the drummer as a fellow flat mate. An anonymous tip recently led me to the current domain of these enigmatic musicians. Living on a quiet street in the middle class area of Fulham, these two rockers enjoy a hearty slice of domesticity. A two story detached house with an unknown numbers of bedrooms houses both pop stars along with Taylor's child and sister. 

A visit made to the house by this reporter to question the exact nature of the living arrangements was met with hostility and uncooperative responses from Roger Taylor. The official word from Taylor as well the Queen promotions office is that May and Taylor are close friends. It was confirmed that May currently resides at this address but the reason provided was his purported relationship with Taylor's sister, Clare. The official comment from both camps is that May has been romantically involved with the drummer's sister for a few years.

Romance you say? Fans and other observers of the house find that most of the coming and going from the residence involves the two band members and that May is rarely seen in the company of his supposed girlfriend. An anonymous source placed Brian and best mate Roger together with drummer's daughter, Tiger Lily, on an outing to the London Zoo in recent months with no sign of Clare Taylor along for the visit. It must be noted that Brian May could not be reached for comment in response to this article. A request for an official response from Queen promotions was also left unanswered. So with so many unanswered questions one has to ask - Is Roger Taylor happy at home? And is Brian May just his best friend?'-------

Brian read the entire story out loud with a few pauses to swallow his dismay or to catch his breath. I'm not sure. I just know my anger simmered when he first began reading it and now it had reached a boiling point. I was grateful we were close to our exit as I began to feel out of control of my bearings. I got off the motorway and focused on just getting us to The Manor. I glanced over and saw Brian leaning forward with his head in his hands and his fingers began crawling into his hair. I decided then this asshole reporter wasn't going to get to us.

"Bri! Don't you dare give that fucker an ounce of your worry!" I barked at him. I reached over and grabbed his arm to get his hands away from his hair. I don't believe he realized what he had been physically doing and sat back up and grabbed my hand for support. We shared a quick glance at each other showing solidarity and he nodded to me that he would not cave in to his strife over this. I had to let go of his hand to drive but he reached over and placed his hand on my leg as I turned down the drive to the main house. I found a place to park and after I turned the engine off we both let out a huge anguished sigh. I glanced around the grounds to see we were alone and reached over and grabbed his head and kissed him hard. It took him by surprise and he gasped a little when I parted our lips. Brian immediately looked at our surroundings and looked back at me.

"That was foolish..." he told me softly but I could tell he didn't regret it. I simply smiled at him and got out of the car.

"I'm a fool for your love..." I replied with a wink and he managed a laugh as we both headed for the main doors.

\---------------------------

"Happy Birthday darling!" Freddie cooed to me as we arrived in the rehearsal room. Freddie was lounging on a chaise and looking at a magazine. I walked over to him and shoved the News of The World copy in his hands. He frowned at my intrusion on his current reading choice and then saw the front page and his eyes grew wide. "Oh my!" he declared as he stared back at me. 

"Page 6..." Brian remarked to him as Freddie began to open the paper up. Brian slumped into a chair next to Freddie's while we waited for him to read the pulp on us. Deacy came walking in with a cup of tea and a notebook. He looked curious about what Freddie was doing as he saw Freddie grimace as he read the story.

"What's going on?" Deacy asked as Freddie rolled his eyes and dropped the newspaper in his lap.

"Just some guttersnipe reporting on our beloved duo here..." Freddie informed Deacy as he handed him the newspaper to read for himself. We all watched Deacy as he sat his tea down on the table and took a seat to peruse the scoop about our love life. I enjoyed the look of disdain that appeared on his face. He folded the paper up when he finished and tossed it on the table.

"He slagged off my song!" Deacy whined to us as he took hold of his tea and sipped it. I was annoyed as fuck that he was more concerned about the reference to his hit single than the fact Brian and I were basically being outed to the general public.

"Excuse me?" I snarled at him. "My fucking private life is laid to bare to the world on my fucking birthday and you are put off by him using your song as a bad pun?" I glared at him and he gave me a nonchalant expression; which made me angrier.

"C'mon Rog....you knew sooner or later something would get reported about you two...." he explained to me. He frowned a bit and then looked right at me. "Of course, he didn't get all his facts straight..." he observed to me.

"We all know that!" I retorted to him. I realized that the core of the story is actually true and there is nothing I can really argue about the fact. I suddenly wondered what facts Deacy was referring to. "Like what facts?" I asked him. He eyed the newspaper on the table and folded his arms across his chest.

"Well...for starters...I'm only 24!" he announced with a hint of annoyance. I got up from my chair and walked over and grabbed the newspaper from the table and glared at Deacy.

"I'll be sure and ask them for a retraction regarding your age when I sue the newspaper!" I shouted at him as I barged out of the room. Brian got up from his chair to come after me.

"Oh! Happy Birthday....by the way...." I heard Deacy murmur as I went to find a telephone.


	71. News of The World - Part 2

27 July 1976

London/Surrey

Brian's POV

"They're here..." Roger informed me as I wiped my hands with a towel in the kitchen and walked towards the door to meet my parents. We shared an anxious look between us as I went to meet my parents. When I got to the path outside the house, they were coming from the car. My mother smiled and we hugged and I kissed her cheek as we began to head for the house. I shared a nod of hello with my father. 

"Your dinner invitation yesterday was a surprise..." she remarked to me. I know she is curious about the sudden invite and I could tell my father had the same feeling.

"Sorry for the short notice...but I'm glad you could make it..." I replied to them as casually as possible. I guess they haven't seen the newspaper, which I know they don't usually read and I am relieved that neither a neighbor, friend or co-worker made mention of it. We stepped inside and Roger greeted my mother with a hug and kiss and began to greet my father as my mother asked Winnie if she needed any help. 

"We are all set....I just need to get the food on the table..." she told us all. Winnie had insisted on cooking despite our invitation to bring something in from a restaurant. She loves our new kitchen and was thrilled to try it out. Clare walked in with Tiger Lily following her and Roger took the baby and got her situated in her high chair as the food was tabled and we all took our seats. On the surface it felt like a regular family dinner. Winnie had made some light summer foods so we enjoyed some sliced ham, roasted vegetables, a salad and for something sweet, a gelatin and whipped cream parfait. Roger and I purposely waited until everyone was enjoying their dessert before we started the real topic of the evening.

"Thanks for the lovely meal Winnie...this is really nice...." I told her as I watched everyone take another spoonful of their parfait. Winnie smiled graciously at me.

"It's always a pleasure to cook for my family..." she responded. We all shared a warm expression with each other. While we are not a traditional one, we have become and are a family. I am grateful for us all. 

"Roger and I asked for this dinner because something has happened which warrants a difficult conversation...." I revealed to the table. I quickly glanced at Clare. She looked calm and already knows what the plan is tonight. After Roger and I got home yesterday, we managed to take a walk with her outside to tell her about the news article and what our response will be. She is completely on board. Tiger Lily was making a mess of herself with her dessert right now but it was something we could tend to in a bit. I did see looks of concern cross the faces of our parents. I was ready to proceed. It was decided I would do the explaining since Roger's anger about the situation had not completely waned. I took a solid breath and Roger nodded to me so I proceeded.

"I first want to say that Roger and I both are so grateful to you for your love and support as our parents. We both know how difficult we sometimes makes your lives because of our relationship.." I began with reminding them how much we appreciate their acceptance. We are so lucky in this regard. I could see the acknowledgement of my appreciation on their faces but they knew whatever I was going to tell them was probably not good news. At least one piece of it is! "To get straight to the matter at hand....a reporter came to our house right before we moved and wanted us to respond to a rumor about Roger and myself. That rumor being that we are romantically involved..." I let that sink in for a moment and there was surprise on their faces mixed with alarm. "Roger spoke to him and denied everything....he even put forth that Clare and I are involved....which has been our official statement for some time as to why we all share a home..." I explained to them. They nodded understanding of my explanation but the alarm remained. For good reason. "Roger didn't give him much else and the reporter claimed he found us because some fans had discovered where we live.... and the reporter claimed they were the ones who speculated about our relationship....which by the way....we don't believe is the case.." I added. "We think this is something the reporter wanted us to believe to get us to talk.." I could see Roger getting anxious as we began to unveil this news. He got up from the table and walked to his bag and pulled out the newspaper in question. He walked over and handed it to my father. Roger's body language told me how anxious he is about my father's reaction.

"Here is the article....just so you know exactly what was printed...." Roger informed my father as he turned it to page 6 for him. My father looked dour as he began reading the story. Both Winnie and my mother watched my father's face as he went over the article. I know my father detests this newspaper. He finished reading and sighed deeply before handing it back to Roger.

"I see no reason for you ladies to read this garbage..." he commented as he saw both Winnie and my mother indicate a desire to be handed the paper. "While the base story is true the content is not worth your time.." Both women took the hint he prefer they not read it. The situation is upsetting enough and the snide words in print would only heighten their worry. 

"Dad's right.." I agreed and watched Roger take the newspaper back from my father and return it to his bag. "So we wanted you all to be aware that this was published and what our plan is to deal with it..." I explained to them. They all looked eager for some words of comfort and assurance. I know the fallout from this for them as parents is quite stressful and embarrassing. "First off.....there is something that we need to tell you about our little family...." I advised them. I swallowed hard and quickly looked at Roger and Clare. We all shared a look of anticipation. This is good news but we had hoped to tell them under better circumstances. Roger and Clare stood up from their chairs and walked over to join me. We had agreed to stand together. Clare stood in the middle and Roger and I put our arms around her and then touched each other with our hands behind her. I couldn't help but smile despite the newspaper article. I looked over at our parents and hoped they would be happy. 

"We all know that Tiger Lily came into our lives in a very unplanned and unfortunate way..." I began and glanced at our sweet girl who was now looking at me as I spoke. Her face was smeared with whip cream and she looked absolutely precious. "I think we can all agree that we have grown to love having her in our lives....and....well....we need to tell you that there will soon be another baby gracing this household..." I blurted out finally. A look of complete surprise appeared on our parent's faces. A smile then grew on my mother's and Winnie's mouths as they considered another grandchild in their lives. My father seemed a little confused and dubious of the news. Before anyone could speak, Clare suddenly took over the conversation.

"I think I should probably say this part..." she announced to everyone. She looked a little sheepish but kept going in a strong voice. "I need to let you know that I am pregnant..." she told them. Winnie's face dropped and I'm sure she thought the worst. My own mother tried to looked reserved in her reaction but my father couldn't hide his disdain. I felt a bit of anger at his quick judgement. I know they all assume Clare got pregnant by someone she was either dating or had a fling with. An unwed mother.

"Let me say something and please let me finish before any of you decide how you feel about this news...." I said to our parents with resolve. I pointedly looked at my father as I said the words. "Clare is pregnant and the child is mine....and before you make any assumptions about how this came about....please let me tell you the entire story..." I demanded. I watched them all close their open mouths from shock. Roger pressed his hand against my arm and we all held each other close.

"I want to emphatically state to you that Clare and I have not had any sexual relations whatsoever!" I reported to them. They immediately looked subdued but confusion quickly took over. My father looked like he was going to stand up but tried to contain himself. I know he is shocked and this situation goes against his beliefs.

"Explain this....you're not making any sense..." my father asked of me firmly. My mother and Winnie also seemed hesitant to believe my words. I let out a soft sigh and gestured to Roger to take over.

"Here is what happened.." Roger began and gestured for his sister to take her seat again. She walked over and sat between her mother and mine and they both leaned in towards her. Already feeling protective of her newfound condition. "Brian and I decided we want to have another child and want a sibling for Tiger Lily..and Brian feels strongly about having a child of his own..." I felt good about the way Roger was presenting this information. I felt like he is behind me in my desire to have a child and that he welcomes the addition for Tiger Lily but also for himself. "Adoption is not a possibility for us and finding a woman to have a child for us without any romantic entanglement is just not realistic...." Roger did a good job of avoiding a conversation about Chrissie. Bringing her up would make them question why she was present in our lives and would result in having to discuss everything from earlier this year. We both want those events to be something that we are past. "I want you all to know that neither Brian or myself asked Clare to have a child for us.....this was entirely her idea and is something that was discussed in great detail and with a lot of thought.." 

"It's true!" Clare chimed in with a heartened smile. "I'm happy to do this and want to give back to them both....Roger and Brian have been the best brothers to me....I owe them so much.." Clare said with great warmth and affection. 

"But back to the mechanics of the situation...." Roger interceded and I couldn't help but smile at his choice of words. Clare did as well. "When I was in my biology courses I learned about a technique called artificial insemination..." Roger began to explain the science and medicine of how Clare became impregnated. He tried to keep it as generic as possible and both of our mother's blushed a bit when he talked about my donation to the event and how the insemination occurs. My father listened keenly and didn't seem as embarrassed by the facts. Disappointment still lingered on his face. I realized that no matter when we decided to tell him about the baby, he would have issue with it.

"So after two months, Clare is now pregnant and she has an appointment with her doctor in a few days to get an exam and start her formal care..." Roger informed them. "By the way...she will be seeing a private doctor and get whatever she needs during her pregnancy...." he emphasized to them. By the time Roger finished both our mother's looked emotional and had slipped their hands into Clare's own hands. I was heartened by their quickly united front. I glanced again at my father and felt a pang of guilt for yet another moment in my life where I seem to have let him down. "Clare will have the baby and if she is still comfortable with the role of caring for him or her as well as Tiger Lily, then she will remain their caregiver...but to be clear for everyone's sake....the child will be mine and Brian's. We will have legal custody paperwork drawn up to protect everyone and there will be contingencies relating to guardianship and financial matters..." Roger said plainly to them all. I think this came as a surprise. I guess they hadn't considered this aspect of it. We had all discussed it and Clare was confident about us considering this our child. I know that our family and household dynamic blurs the lines of parenting. So far, this hasn't been an issue. I would be the first to agree Clare is much more than a nanny. We can't do this without her and I hope this doesn't change. 

"I would like a word with you both...alone...if you don't mind..." my father suddenly announced to Roger and myself. I felt a stir of anxiety in my stomach and Roger nodded to him. Before my father could stand up, Winnie interrupted. 

"I do mind actually.." she informed my father. He turned to look at her firmly holding Clare's hand with a stern look on her face. My mother also seemed put off by my father's request for a private audience. "Harold....I know that you are probably unhappy about this news for reasons which I personally don't care about..." Winnie told him frankly. "Why you feel the need to berate your son or mine for something that is already done and is actually a blessing for this family is beyond me....but I for one am happy to hear another grandchild will be in our lives....one that actually brings us all closer together.....please remember that this child will be the blood of us both..." Winnie declared with clear purpose. I could see my mother's agreement with every word she said and I wanted to smile at her bold challenge to my father. I also wanted to hug Winnie and tell her how much I love her undying loyalty. 

"I am happy about this Harold....." my mother chimed in with a heartened smile. "I hope you are as well.." she cautioned to him. Roger walked over and grabbed his cigarettes and glanced at my father.

"Smoke?" he asked my dad and my father nodded and stood up to follow Roger to the patio. When they stepped outside I walked over to my mother who stood up and threw her arms around me with tears in her eyes. I pulled her close and smiled at the happiness I know I've given her.

"Oh Brian! It's such lovely news!" my mother proclaimed to me and I heard her sniffle a bit. "I was so afraid your news was going to be something just terrible...and this is such a beautiful relief..." she told me. She pulled away from me and gently tucked my hair away from my face. "Son...you might need a haircut..." she chuckled at me as she smiled widely. I laughed at her unexpected comment. Clare and Winnie stood up and we all had a group hug.

"I hope your father isn't too upset with me...but I'm not letting him dampen our spirits...this moment...I know the newspaper article is unfortunate but I think we all know this was a possibility at some point....we are a family...and we will stick together through this....right Ruth?" Winnie expressed to us. My mother smiled and nodded agreement.

"I know Harold has to deal with his co-workers commenting to him about your group and I'm sure someone will see this article.....it is harder for him than us....but please know he loves you Brian and he will find a way to accept this...." my mother assured me. I want to believe her and smiled at her words. I tucked Clare into my side for a hug and we shared a happy expression. I hoped Roger was faring okay with my father as they shared a cigarette and whatever my father needed to say about our news.

Roger's POV

I lit Harold's cigarette for him and watched him inhale and organize whatever words he wanted to say to me. I took a drag from my own cigarette and gave him my attention. We had taken a seat in the chairs on the small patio.

"I'm listening...." I finally said to him as I watched his wheels turning in his eyes. Harold looked at me intently and then took a quick drag from his cigarette.

"I know you are an adult Roger and I know that you can make whatever decisions you want in your life....you and Brian both..." he began. "I want to remind you that I'm not against you being in a relationship with my son...and you earned a lot of my respect for your willingness to take responsibility for your daughter; especially when her mother died.." Harold told me. I felt it coming and steeled myself. 

"But...." I told him bluntly. He sighed at me and almost seemed to look a little guilty for what he was about to say. Not that it would ever stop him. He is an opinionated man. 

"I just ask you to consider that you are not the only people affected by your choices..." he replied. "I really don't have an issue with your relationship....but bear in mind that others do..." Harold sighed again and I could this was actually difficult for him to say. I honestly think he is being truthful about not caring personally about us being together. But I get it. The real world certainly has a different opinion. 

"Trust me...I know the world doesn't like the idea of us...." I affirmed to him. He nodded to me and then smashed his cigarette out in the ash tray I kept on the outside table.

"I just need to get this off my chest....and I hope this can stay between us..." Harold said to me. I know he needed to vent and nodded agreement. 

"Alright..."

"Please be assured that I love my son.....Brian and Ruth are everything to me....always have been...but my work is an important part of who I am....it is an outlet for my mind and I love being part of something that contributes to the world at large..." he told me. I wanted to laugh as I felt I could say that Brian and I felt exactly the same way about our families and our careers.

"I don't doubt your love for either of them....and I understand how important you work is to you..." I acknowledged. He smiled at me for a moment and then had a look of mild despair.

"Most of the people I work with are good people....intelligent...well educated...well meaning..." Harold ran his hand over his hair in a way that reminded me of Brian. "I've had the occasional comment made to me about Brian's career choice. Since I have been at the same employer for some time they all knew about his studies and plans for his Phd...It was a bit embarrassing to explain his abandonment of this for pop music..." Harold confessed. I cringed at his use of the term 'pop music' but wasn't about to correct him. "A good friend at work couldn't believe I allowed him to waste all his efforts and throw it away on playing guitar..." Harold ranted to me and I laughed despite trying not to. He looked taken aback by my response.

"I'm sorry...it's just so ironic that he abandoned his Phd to play guitar on an instrument you helped him make..." I confessed to him. We both smiled at the irony and he seemed to understand the humor of it. I had to ask him something though. I had to know. "Do you regret that you helped him build Red?"

"If I had known when we were building it that it would lead to him not finishing his studies...then yes..." he admitted. "But considering he has earned a tidy living from it and it has brought him immense joy in his life....I can't really say I regret it..." I smiled at his honesty. 

"Don't worry...we'll keep this to ourselves.." I assured him and patted his knee. Harold smiled gratefully at my words.

"I hope you can appreciate that your lifestyle and career sometimes causes me difficulties..." Harold appealed to me. "I truly don't care for anyone else's feelings about it because they don't know my son....and they don't know you..." he pointed out. It felt good to hear him include me in this statement. "I want to say I am not unhappy about the news of another child but I just can't help but feel you invite more trouble in your lives with these decisions..." he said to me honestly and with care. "I have to be honest as well and say that the manner in which you are having this child invites even more unwelcome opinions.." he added.

"I know that from an outsider's perspective they see your son living in sin with my sister and now are going to have a baby out of wedlock....I get it!" I said to him. "I also know the fact that you see your son already living in sin with me is a big enough disappointment and then there is the whole issue with Tiger Lily and how she came to be...." I sighed and leaned forward in my chair. I know this isn't easy for him as a man who deals with other people's views on his son's lifestyle and career. The hint of Brian being gay is a big enough disaster in his mind. Our planned distraction of this article with the news of a bastard child doesn't make him feel much better. I know his generation doesn't see our choices as ones they would ever make. "I'm sorry that this will bring added scrutiny for you....it is never our intent to make your life more difficult....I hope you know that..." I explained to Harold. 

"I'm glad to know you can see my situation....I wish the world was a different place and I could carry a picture of the two of you in my wallet from your wedding and tell my co-workers how great you are together..." he remarked to me. I felt warmth in his words as I felt they were the truth and not something being said to coddle me. "I wish your marriage was legal and that you could live openly and honestly....I know your burden is much harder than mine..." he assured me. I nodded agreement. We both have our own burdens with these choices. "I will just say this once and if you choose to share this with Brian...so be it!" he suddenly announced and sat up straighter as he looked me in the eye. "I know you love your daughter and I know my son does as well....I know she is loved and well cared for and has a happy life....but I think you don't understand what her future holds...what your future holds......I don't think either of you see that when she is older and starts school and makes friends and you have to interact with other parents and the school that your situation will only get more complicated...." he said to me in a blunt tone. "How are you going to explain two fathers to the school and to other parents?" he asked me. Before I could process this and answer he proposed more to me. "How are you going to handle things when Tiger Lily wants a friend to sleep over and you have to explain why you and Brian share a room and a bed? How do you explain that to the child's parents? How do you explain Tiger Lily telling her teachers and friends about the way you live? I know they will mostly be interested in the fact you are pop stars....but what about when she tells them about how you all live together in the same house and she will tell someone that you are both her parents...mark my words!" he finished his speech and I realized that he was right. We had not really discussed these things. To be honest, I had not really considered any of this. I don't know if Brian had. The truth of it all was a bit heavy to swallow. 

"You are right.....these are complicated matters..." I acknowledged to him. 

"And you've just gone and made it more so with another child...." he replied. "Do you plan to raise them as brother and sister?" I nodded to him and his face registered more concern. "I would want that for them....I know Brian was a lonely child and I understand why he would want Tiger Lily to have a sibling....but the world is going to have a hard time absorbing whatever 'story' you concoct about your living situation as a family..." Harold was blunt but I appreciated his candor. Part of me wished we had discussed this with him before we made our final decisions. He had a lot of insight.

"I guess we are naive in thinking that being a loving family and taking care of each other is enough..." was all I could muster for him. He smiled at me gently and stood up from his chair. 

"I don't like being the one who does nothing but come across as a critic or bearer of ill will...I just see the real world and know the pain it can cause....undeserved.. but there none the less..." he said to me as I got up and extinguished my cigarette. "Maybe with your money and other resources you can find a way to minimize the brunt of it...." he remarked hopefully. 

"Maybe my generation can find a new way to forge a life that isn't traditional but is loving and meaningful...and eventually accepted.." I told him. I am probably still being naive but I wasn't going to give up my husband and it was too late to stop the process we have begun in expanding our family. "I do think you have some valid points though....I will talk to Brian about them....I promise.." I assured him. He seemed happy to hear I wasn't going to disagree with his concerns. "Thanks for talking to me about it...I know you and Brian sometimes knock heads a bit more....but I can see your view on things..." I confided to him. Harold seemed to understand what I was telling him. Maybe talking to me sometimes might get a better result. I moved to return to the house. Harold followed. "Can I ask that you try to find a way to accept and be happy about the baby? I know right now you are thinking about all these important considerations....but...Brian is over the moon and.." Harold stopped me with a smile.

"You let me express my views and concerns Roger....you heard me..." he answered. "I am happy to have another child in our family....as unusual as our family has turned out to be..." he remarked wryly to me. I smiled at him and chuckled.

"Yeah...I guess we do make for an interesting family group photo..." I replied as I opened the door. "Probably not one that is suitable for your wallet..."


	72. News of The World - Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder - this is fiction and I am not a medical expert.

1 Aug 1976

London/Surrey/Oxfordshire

Roger's POV

"So...your single peaked at 7 and it did quite well in the U.S." Reid told us as we sat at the meeting table in his office. "It was at 16 on Billboard and Cashbox placed it at 9 when it peaked there...." he remarked to us as he looked over his notes. He smiled and then looked at us all. "I know you're disappointed it wasn't #1 but it sold quite well worldwide.." Deacy looked satisfied and I was happy for his success. Maybe a little envious his first A-side single did so well. I will get my chance one day. I was quite happy for Brian's extra income from the B-side with '39.'

"Congratulations Deaks.." I told him and we all showed our admiration. Freddie beamed at him and Reid moved on to the next order of business today.

"Now...there is pressure from promoters to get you out on tour again...you remain a hot commodity and we are getting a lot of inquiries about your availability....I know the album isn't going to be released anytime soon.....so are you still interested in doing a free show in Hyde Park?" Reid asked us all. We had come up with this idea while in Japan and mentioned it to Reid when we returned. He had looked into the logistics of it and Virgin Records owner Richard Branson had proven to be a valuable asset in putting it together. "We were looking at mid-September..." he informed us. We all smiled and nodded agreement.

"I think it is a great way to thank the fans for their support and keep our name out there while we finish our album..." Freddie remarked. He then glanced over at me and smirked. "Of course, some of us are keeping our name in the public eye without uttering a single note..." he remarked teasingly to Brian and myself. I know he is taking a jibe at us over the article about our relationship.

"We have an interview with Disc magazine after this meeting...." I reminded Freddie. We shared a salty expression between us and Deacy giggled. Reid just smirked and jostled his paper to get our attention.

"So I will put a green light on the concert and announce it right away..." Reid informed us. "What do you think about a few concerts before then to drum up some excitement and to warm up for the show?" Reid inquired next. I was happy to perform and really needed to work off my angry energy of late. The others seemed okay with the plan.

"I wouldn't mind a few warm up shows...we can make sure any new material we want to include is rehearsed.." I commented. We all nodded agreement. Reid explained what our options were and the possible dates. Brian had our calendar out and made some notes as we all discussed and agreed to a show in Edinburgh and that we would accept an offer to play at Cardiff Castle in Wales. Our dates were set and we all seemed excited to get back on stage a few times before we finished the album. EMI is eager for a new release but aren't breathing down our necks yet.

"I guess that wraps us what we needed to discuss right now...anything to add?" Reid asked us all. Brian and I shared a smile before we prepared to announce the news to them all.

"I do have something...yes...actually Rog and I both do..." Brian announced. They all gave him their attention. Brian remained calm but the light in his eyes made my heart swell. "We would like to announce that we are adding to our family and expect to have a baby in the spring..." Brian told them proudly. Reid looked completely surprised but Freddie and Deacy both had a predictable response. They both knew this was a possibility. They were all smiles.

"Congratulations!" Freddie cooed to us with a heartened expression.

"Well! That is wonderful news...congratulations!" Reid told us with sincerity. He then looked a little confused and leaned towards me in his seat. "Not to pry...but how does one go about having a baby when you are both gentleman?" he asked me in a humorous manner. I laughed a bit before answering him.

"We artificially impregnated my sister with Brian's sperm..." I replied like I was answering a simple question. I wish I could have taken a picture of the look on Reid's face. His eyes were wide and I had never seen him look so shocked. He isn't a man that shocks easily. 

"I have to say....you two love to throw things at me that Elton never has..." he quipped back. "At least I know who to recommend if he ever decides he wants children..." he told me as he grinned at me. Brian laughed at us both and shook his head. "Anything other profound announcements?" Reid asked the others. We all chuckled as we shook our heads. Reid got up from his chair. "Gentleman....I'll be in touch with the concert details..." he informed us. We all began to stand as Reid walked over to Freddie. "See you tonight?" Reid asked him. Freddie nodded and Reid left the room as we all gathered our things. I figured Freddie and Reid were going to a party or club. They had begun moving in similar social circles and often went together. Since Reid and Elton don't date anymore, Elton often attended events with his current boyfriend. David isn't always available to socialize with Freddie so I know he found Reid to be a good companion on a night out.

"Good luck with your interview..." Freddie said to us as he grabbed his bag. "I'll see you at the studio tomorrow..." he added. We nodded as he headed out. 

"Congratulations boys..I guess you're beating me to the punch again...I might have an announcement of my own sometime in the future.." Deacy remarked to us as we lingered at the meeting room door. "I'm glad it didn't take too long to get pregnant...that must be a bit awkward..." he commented and Brian did blush a bit. "Does she have a due date yet?" he asked in all seriousness. Brian shook his head.

"Not yet....we are seeing the doctor after the interview today..." Brian informed him. Deacy grinned at us and reached over and hugged Brian; which surprised him.

"I know how happy you must be....I look forward to hearing more tomorrow....see you then.." he told him sweetly. Brian smiled warmly at Deacy as he took off from the meeting. I joined Brian as we walked to the car together to go see Rosemary Horide at Disc.

\------------------------------- 

Brian's POV

The interview was finally over and we were prepared to respond to the News of The World speculation with some news of our own. Rosemary was her usual wonderful self. She listened with empathy and understanding and guided us through creating an article that would steer all attention away from Roger and I's relationship. We had contacted Jim Beach about possibly suing the newspaper. After reading the article and making a few phone calls he cautioned us against this. He advised that suing them would just keep this a newsworthy story and would generate more articles about it. If we pursued any legal action the newspaper would only be motivated to dig deeper to get more information to combat a possible lawsuit. We would probably be more exposed than we are right now. He truly felt an interview with a friendly journalist and the announcement of the baby would make the gay implications disappear from the radar. So we took his advice.

On the drive home from the interview I felt better about things in general and my excitement for the doctor's appointment grew. I was accompanying Clare to the doctor as we needed everything to appear as we indicated it to be. That her and I are having a baby together. Roger is disappointed about not going but there would be opportunities down the road once the gay story goes away. We arrived home and Roger parked the car. We found Clare, Winnie and Tiger Lily outside. Clare was tossing a ball to Tigs and Winnie watched them with amusement as she smoked a cigarette on the patio and observed them play a few yards away. I checked my watch and knew we needed to head out. Clare and Tigs finished playing and we all went inside as Clare went to freshen up before we leave.

"Want to watch a show with Papa?" Roger asked Tigs as he walked up to the television and turned it on. He began switching the channels as Tigs crawled up on the couch. Winnie came in and sat in an arm chair. Roger found some cartoons and smiled as he took a seat next to our baby. They snuggled together as they began watching the program about some type of car racing. It was an American animated show. I stood and watched it for a moment and laughed at how ridiculous the characters seemed; especially the wheezing laughing side kick dog of the villain. 

"I'm ready..." Clare announced as she walked in. We were watching the show and Roger began laughing loudly at something a character said and Tiger Lily immediately joined in. It was nice to see them sharing something silly together. I walked over and kissed Roger goodbye and then placed a kiss on the forehead of my baby girl.

"See you in a bit Poppet..." I told her. She smiled at me and then resumed watching the show. Winnie enjoyed watching her little and her giant babies laugh at the show. Clare and I took off to London.

\----------------------------

"Clare Taylor?" the nurse called us and we both stood up and followed her back into an exam room. I think she was surprised to see me join them. Clare had told me I was welcome to come back so I decided to go. After the nurse took her vitals she looked over the paperwork Clare had completed. She is an established patient so it was mostly information about the pregnancy and family history. 

"I think everything is in order....if you want to wait here....Dr. Larsen will be in shortly..." the nurse informed us. She closed the door and we shared a smile as Clare sat on the exam table and kicked her legs back and forth. It reminded me of Roger's restlessness. He had trouble sitting still quite often. 

"You know....you are Roger are similar in some ways..." I remarked to her. She looked interested in my viewpoint. "You both are quite energetic and positive people..." I said. She smiled at my remark.

"So in what ways do you see us as different?" she asked me with curiosity. I was instantly reminded of one key thing.

"To be honest...you aren't as quick to become angry about things..." I replied. She clearly understood what I meant. 

"Well...that is where he is like my father and I am more like my mother...." she explained. I had to agree. Winnie does take a lighter view of the world. Clare does as well. 

"I think you are right about that....but I do want to say that you both have a wonderful sense of joy and humor.....it's nice..." I wanted her to know that this is a blessing in our house. Before she could respond the door opened and the doctor stepped in. I immediately stood up to greet her.

"Hello Clare! It's good to see you....I see we have an introduction to make..." she remarked and I smiled and stuck out my hand. 

"Brian May....father to be..." I replied. She smiled and shook my hand.

"Nora Larsen...." she answered. There was a warmth and care in her eyes that made me feel like Clare was in good hands. I was thrilled to hear Clare found a female doctor for her care. It was exciting to see so many women in medicine these days. "Clare says good things about you.." I remarked. She gestured for me to take my seat and turned to Clare.

"Well..I hope I can keep her faith over the next 9 months..." she answered with a warm smile. Clare grinned and leaned forward on the table. "How about we see how you are doing and then let's try and establish your due date.." she explained. I felt some excitement in knowing when we could expect the baby to arrive. I sat and observed as she examined Clare and asked her questions about her symptoms and general well being. Clare was feeling pretty good except for some periodic morning sickness and a need for a nap when she normally didn't require one. Clare had been pre-examined before we attempted to get pregnant so a lot of things she may have been asked to do at this appointment were not necessary. She explained what would happen during the course of the pregnancy and how often the doctor visits would be. It was too soon today to probably detect the baby's heartbeat but it should be audible at the next visit. It was exciting to think we would hear it next time we came to see her.

"Are there any questions?" Dr. Larsen asked Clare and then turned to me as well. I appreciated being included in her inquiry. 

"What should I be concerned about? What should warrant a phone call to you?" Clare asked her calmly. I thought this was a wise question.

"Well....bleeding is always a concern. A tiny amount of spotting isn't unusual at times but anything more should be discussed and possibly require an examination....the most important thing is your own intuition..." Dr. Larsen explained to her. "You know your own body and you can trust your own judgement....if something doesn't feel right....go with that feeling..." she assured Clare. I liked that expressed this to her. Clare also seemed satisfied hearing this.

"Are there any books we should read?" I asked the doctor. She looked surprised that I was the one asking and smiled at me. She walked over to a drawer and pulled out a sheet of paper.

"I actually have a list of things I recommend if you want to read up on pregnancy and early childcare..." she handed me the list. Clare looked at me and winked. It reminded me of Roger and I smiled widely at her gesture. She knows I like to be informed. 

"Thank you....I'll probably read them all..." I replied and Clare giggled. The doctor turned to look at her.

"He definitely will...." Clare assured the doctor. She laughed a little as she walked over to look at Clare's file and made a note. She then looked at us both.

"So....based on the information you provided....I want to estimate a due date of April 3rd..." she announced to us. I felt a flutter in my stomach and Clare and I shared a warm smile at the news. "Bear in mind this can change slightly as we near the final stage of pregnancy..." she reminded us. She closed her file and smiled at us. "I think we are done for today....I will see you in a month and we can look forward to listening for a heartbeat....alright?" she asked us. Clare stood up from the exam table and nodded to her. I stood as well and we walked out with the doctor. "Please remember to take your vitamins and keep the phone number for the office handy at all times....if you have concerns and cannot reach anyone....you have the option of visiting a casualty..." she informed me. "But always try to reach me or my service first...if possible..." she asked. "Please remember that you are young and in excellent health Clare....this pregnancy by all measures should be relatively uneventful...." Dr. Larsen shook our hands and we headed to the reception area to make a follow up appointment. We soon left the office and headed out.

\---------------------------------

Roger's POV

It was odd to send Brian and Clare off to the doctor's but they came home with nothing but good news. I could see the excitement they both shared in the experience and they told us everything that happened today. It was still an unusually hot summer day. Clare was tired and retired early; wanting a cool shower before heading to relax in her room. My mother was doting on Tiger Lily and insisted on putting her to bed. I felt the need to unwind from so much going on and slipped into my swimsuit and went outside for a swim as Brian went to work on a song. I savored the cool water and enjoyed a solo swim in the pool as the sun was setting. I did a few laps and felt my body loosen up. I floated for awhile and looked up at the orangeness of the sky above me. I did feel better and was thankful we had chosen this house and had this pool. My body was relaxed but my mind wandered back to the look Brian and Clare shared as they talked about the baby and the future. I couldn't help but have a murmur of worry. Brian assured me that he wouldn't fall in love with my sister and I believe him. It just crossed my mind again when I witnessed their mutual happiness. I sighed and closed my eyes to think of something else as I let myself float across the width of the pool and let the sun set on my worry.

I eventually left the pool and went upstairs. I took a quick shower to clean off the chlorine and ran a towel over my hair and slipped on my robe. I walked out to find Brian in the bedroom and he was standing by the table we had set up with our record player on it. We have talked about buying a real stereo for our room but there hasn't been time to look into it. I smiled as I saw Brian pick up Led Zeppelin II and placed it on the turntable. I walked over towards him and he placed the needle down and turned towards me. To my great surprise he put his arms out in a gesture for a dance. Brian hates dancing and doesn't consider himself a dancer in any manner. I heard the first notes of the song he chose and couldn't help but smile softly at him. I accepted his offer and put my own hands out and he pulled me in towards him. He began moving us slowly to the song as he held me close.

If the sun refused to shine  
I would still be loving you  
When mountains crumble to the sea  
There will still be you and me

Kind woman, I give you my all  
Kind woman, nothing more

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain  
Tears of loves lost in the days gone by  
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong  
Together we shall go until we die  
My, my, my inspiration is what you are to me  
Inspiration look, see

"I think I need to remind you how much I love you...." Brian told me gently in between the words of the song. "And I want to thank you for giving me your heart and giving me your faith and giving me the gifts of the child down the hall and the one come spring...thank you Rog..." Brian kissed my head and held me close as we continued our slow dance.

And so today, my world it smiles  
Your hand in mine, we walk the miles  
Thanks to you it will be done  
For you to me are the only one  
Happiness, no more be sad  
Happiness, I'm glad

If the sun refused to shine  
I would still be loving you  
Mountains crumble to the sea  
There will still be you and me

The song ended but Brian held me close. This side of the album was finished but we weren't finished with our moment. I did feel restored and my worry slipped away as Brian reminded me of his love for me. I do have faith in him and I do believe we are in a good place. A great place.

\---The Next Morning---

I woke up to the sound of the bloody alarm clock and sighed. We had studio time booked today and since our drive is so long, we have to be up much earlier than we like. I rolled over to turn the alarm off and nestled into Brian's side. He pulled me towards him and rested his head on top of my own.

"There is something I want to show you before we head out today...." he told me. "I want you to hear it before everyone else...." he said. I was intrigued and figured it was what he was working on last night. He pulled back to look at me and he leaned in to kiss me. It helped to start the day this way so we both got around quickly and headed down to the piano in the room we use for our work. Brian got situated at the piano and I leaned against the wall to listen. He began playing a beautiful melody that instantly took me to Japan. The feeling of the notes evoked the mood and beauty of that place. He gently began singing lyrics that made me feel a myriad of emotions all at once. I had a feeling similar to when he first played me 'White Queen.' I almost had shivers.

When I'm gone  
No need to wonder if I ever think of you  
The same moon shines  
The same wind blows  
For both of us, and time is but a paper moon...  
Be not gone  
Though I'm gone  
It's just as though I hold the flower that touches you  
A new life grows  
The blossom knows  
There's no one else could warm my heart as much as you...  
Be not gone  
Let us cling together as the years go by  
Oh my love, my love  
In the quiet of the night  
Let our candle always burn  
Let us never lose the lessons we have learned

"I want to see if we can get the lyrics translated to Japanese and add some verses in that language..." Brian remarked to me before I could respond. He looked at me intently. "What do you think?" he asked me gently. I was overwhelmed with the immense beauty of the song and walked over and grabbed his face and kissed him hard. I couldn't help it. I was so moved by his work.

"I think I might have just fallen in love with you all over again..." I told him after I released our kiss. He smiled widely at me and almost had a blush on his cheeks. "Fuck Bri! This song is beyond measure...." I announced as I pulled away from him and leaned into the piano as I gazed at him. "The words are so lovely.....Freddie is going to go ballistic!" I informed him with bravado. I know Freddie will eat this song up. Brian stood up from the piano and grabbed his notebook.

"Let's go knock him out then!" Brian replied with great confidence and we headed for the studio.

\---Later than day---

We had finished the plans for our birthday party for Tiger Lily. I can't believe she will be two years old in a few days. She is so grown up compared to a year ago. We picked up takeaway for dinner and Clare and my mother were watching a movie in the living room. It was another hot day and Brian and I decided to enjoy the pool to unwind from our time in the studio. I had swam for a bit and then laid on a lounge chair and watched Brian swim some laps and then float in a similar fashion to what I had done the night before. As I sat and watched him I felt so relaxed and content. The quality of that wonderful heaviness you get when you feel like you could just slip off to sleep and dream beautiful things came over me. Before I could go there I felt a splash of water and opened my eyes to find Brian sending a wave of water at me from the pool. He was laughing at waking me up and I immediately stood up and walked briskly towards the pool and jumped in right next to him. He was laughing still when I surfaced and we wrestled for fun in the pool as we both tired ourselves out from our day.

We headed for our room after a while and while Brian was showering I was laying on the bed thinking about the past few weeks. I have been so pensive lately and so much has entered my train of thought. I considered the words and warnings of Harold and the excitement and enchantment of the promise of a new life. It made me think of my own life and I pondered many moments and feelings as I laid there. Some words began to fill my head and they felt more like lyrics than just observations. I got up and went and found my music notebook. I opened a fresh page and took a pen from my nightstand and began to jot down the things that filled my head right now. While some of it seemed disconnected I still felt there was something there and continued writing. I didn't notice Brian come out of the bathroom and he left me to my work as he prepared for bed. After letting the words pour out of me I made a note or two about possible melody ideas. I felt something click when I considered the drag of a guitar slide and smiled to myself as I noted the possibility and closed my book. Brian had tucked in to his side of bed already and noticed when I placed my book on the my table.

"Get inspired?" he asked me as I settled myself down against the pillows next to him and I nodded to him.

"I did actually..." I answered. He smiled at me and reached over and touched my face.

"I love the way you look when you create something..." he told me. It made me smile to hear this and reached over and kissed him. "You look so focused and happy....I like it..." he added. An idea occurred to me in relation to my new song.

"You know what I like?" I asked him back. He looked curious and shook his head.

"What?" he asked me. I gave him a secret smile and placed another kiss on his lips.

"You'll have to wait and see...." I told him.


	73. When You're Young and Your Troubles Are All Very Small...

6 August 1976

Surrey

Brian's POV

I woke up early today. I don't know why. Maybe I do. Excitement? Sheer happiness? I slipped out of bed and went down the hall to Tiger Lily's room. Her door was partly open and I gently opened it and could see her asleep in her cot. She has grown so big since we first got her and she looked every bit of her now two years on this planet. I took light steps and went over to look down at her. Her face was soft and peaceful as she slept and I noticed the same lashes on her closed eyes as Roger's and the same beauty. She is so much like him. The same spirit and love of life, the sense of wonder and easy going nature. Her hair is also similar to Roger and Clare's own hair. I know they both color their hair but it still similar in its texture and silkiness. It's so lovely. I wondered if our baby would have my hair color or the Taylor blond. Straight or curly? It doesn't matter. The baby will be wonderful.

I was thinking about her smile when her eyes slowly opened. Those amazing azure orbs looked right at mine and a smile drew on her perfect mouth. Her brightness immediately radiated through me and I smiled warmly at her. 

"Happy birthday poppet! You are two today!" I told her sweetly. She slowly turned on her mattress and stood up. She put her arms up to me.

"Brimi..." she replied and I reached down and picked up my precious girl. She smelled like morning and softness and I snuggled her to me. I still cannot fathom how much love I feel for her. Its depth is so profound to me and I held her close and was grateful for another day with her. 

"You are going to have a lovely day.....we are going to celebrate the joy that you are..." I promised her as we slowly walked out of her room and into her special day.

\-------------------------

By two in the afternoon everyone had arrived. It is a week day, so we are just having cake and ice cream. We are all so busy but wanted to mark her special day. Freddie was the last to arrive and came to the house via Ratty. I hope he pays him extra for everything he does for Freddie. He is sometimes more his personal assistant than a roadie. Roger gave Ratty a quick tour of our place as we all got settled. Freddie seemed excited about something and could barely sit still as we got settled to open her gifts. We didn't expect everyone to buy her something. We just want to celebrate her turning two. We were having the party outside since it was a nice day and the major heat of the summer was beginning to wane finally. It had been a record year for summer heat and we couldn't have timed the pool purchase any better. There was a lovely breeze and some bright sunshine as we all took seats around the patio area. We had some folding chairs set up and the presents were stacked on a table by Tiger Lily and Roger. So much attention has been on me and also Clare, I wanted Roger to have this moment with our girl. He helped her with the packages and tore the paper off and read the little cards. I had my camera out and was thrilled to capture the day on film. Clare had dressed Tigs in a cute little pink dress for the occasion. 

Winnie had bought Tiger Lily a box of dress up clothes and jewelry. She was mesmerized by the large bauble necklaces and a tiara. There were a few fancy dresses as well and I could picture her having loads of fun with this. Winnie had been careful and picked necklaces with beads that were too big for her to swallow.

"Pretty....." Tigs said as she held a piece of the play jewelry in her hand.

Deacy and Ronnie and Robert gave her some new books and a framed picture he took of Roger and I when we were on tour. 

"Papa....Brimi!" Tigs announced as she looked at the picture. She smiled so sweetly at the photo. We didn't know about it and found it sweet and thoughtful. It was taken after we had reconciled and we were sitting with our arms around each other looking quite happy. I didn't recall him even having a camera that day.

Jo had come to the party and gave Tigs some lovely clothes. They were for the fall and Jo had admitted while she wasn't too big on children, it was fun to shop for the clothes. Her and Roger looked over what she had selected but Tigs lost interest and wanted to open something else. Jim Beach had sent a present along but couldn't attend. He gave her a little music box and we were delighted to find it played 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. She still loves this song. He had her named engraved on the lid. She loves it and began singing the song in her beautiful way. I planned on penning a nice thank you note to him.

John Reid was also invited and had business to attend to. He bought her a ballerina outfit. There was a pink tutu and even the little slippers. We all laughed at the idea of her dancing through the house. Another thank you note was in order. I noticed Freddie checking his watch and he had a smug look on his face. He leaned over and said something to Ratty. He also checked his watch and nodded. For some reason he stood up and walked to head down our driveway. What are they up to?

"I need to let you know my gift should be arriving any time now..." he announced to us. I was curious what required delivery. Roger and I shared a quizzical look. You never know what Freddie will do for presents. My father stood and straightened his legs a moment and then waved me over. I stood up and walked over to him. 

"Our present is in my car.....I need your help with it..." he informed me. I handed the camera to Deacy and followed my father to the car. He opened the boot and I saw him pull back a blanket and almost gasped at the handmade doll house sitting in his car. My father wore a timid smile as he began to pull it out of the boot. I helped him and felt a little emotional as we began to walk it back to the house.

"Dad.....it's just..." I was speechless. It was such a beautiful gift and the fact that I knew he had made it himself made it so special. "She will love this!" I finally blurted out to him. I proudly helped him walk it over and we sat it down in front of Tiger Lily as everyone watched. My mother was beaming at my father. Her pride was evident.

"Oh! That is so lovely Harold!" Winnie exclaimed. "She will enjoy this for years..." she remarked. There was another gift on the table that I knew was from my parents. Roger picked it up after admiring the dollhouse.

"You shouldn't have bought her anything else...this is just brilliant!" he told them both with complete awe of the gift. He got Tiger Lily interested in the present since she was completely absorbed in the dollhouse. Inside the wrapped box from my parents were a few pieces of furniture and five little dolls. I sat down next to Tiger Lily as everyone remarked about how beautiful the dollhouse was. Roger and I showed her the furniture and helped her find a place for the couch, bed and baby cradle. One of the dolls was a tiny baby.

"Baby..." Tigs remarked as I handed her the doll and showed her how to put it in the little cradle. She was quite fascinated by the house and all the little accessories. I showed her all the dolls.

"This is the father and the mother and then..." I realized there was one adult female and two adult males and then a little girl doll and the baby doll. I looked over at my mother who was watching us.

"Brian dear....they are you...." she informed me. "The blond man is Roger, the brown haired man is you, the blond woman is Clare and...well you know who the other two are..." she explained to me. I was so blown away that my mother took enough care to have the dolls represent who actually lives in our house. I loved my parents so much at this moment. Roger looked surprised as well. We both stood up and walked over and hugged my mother and then hugged my father.

"Thank you...this is so special..." Roger told my parents. He seemed so pleased with the gift. Everyone had got up to look at the dollhouse closely and Ronnie looked envious.

"I didn't have one this nice growing up..." she remarked. She looked at the detail on the rooms and smiled. Clare was checking it out as well.

"I didn't either...I might have more fun than Tiger Lily playing with this..." she said to us. We all laughed at her honesty. We heard a vehicle coming down the drive. Freddie tapped me on the back and I got up to look at him. He seemed vexed about something.

"Well....now I feel a right shit!" he told me in a regretful manner. He glanced down the drive as a large lorry approached.

"Why?" I asked him as we watched Ratty walk up to the lorry. The driver got out and he and Ratty and another man walked to the back. Freddie took my arm and began walking me towards the house.

"I didn't do this to upstage anyone....so I feel horrible since your Father made our princess that gorgeous dollhouse..." he mumbled to me as he watched the lorry. I started to really wonder what Freddie had bought my daughter for her birthday.

"What did you buy her Fred?" I asked him with concern in my voice. He grimaced as he saw Ratty get the house door open and the delivery men started carrying in some furniture covered in plastic. It looked like bedroom furniture. It appeared to be white and looked quite expensive.

"I may have bought her a princess bed...." he told me in a timid voice. He then looked serious and let go of my arm and placed one of his hands on his hip and the other he waved about the house. "Well...you moved her into a fucking mansion so it's only fitting she have a bed that shows her station in life..." he argued to me. Roger came in the door and looked at us both.

"What is going on?" he asked us as he watched a delivery man come through with a white nightstand in his arms. He leered at Freddie. I hoped Roger would have issue with this. This extravagance.

"I got our princess a princess bed...." he said to Roger casually like he bought her a regular toy or book. Roger instantly grinned and I rolled my eyes as Freddie came and took Roger by the arm to follow the men up the stairs. "I was just telling your husband that I didn't mean to upstage your dear father in law.." I heard Freddie tell an already sold Roger about his over the top gift for our two year old daughter. I'm not even sure she is ready for a normal bed. I guess there isn't a point in arguing. The look on Roger's face told me this was a battle I wouldn't win. 

\--Later that day--

"You have to admit her room looks amazing!" Roger argued to me as we got all of her presents situated in her room. I still couldn't believe Freddie had purchased a whole new suite of bedroom furniture for our girl. It was nicer than the furniture Roger and I had in our own room. Tiger Lily sure liked it. The delivery men took apart her cot and set it up in the spare bedroom for the future baby. They got her new bed assembled with the new mattress and bedding. There was also a matching nightstand, dresser and a bookshelf. She managed to climb onto her new bed and proceeded to try to bounce on the mattress. Roger started laughing and I frowned as I went to stop her before she hurt the frame.

"Rog...she'll break the bed..." I told him with an irritated tone as he stood and laughed. I grabbed Tiger Lily and pulled her off the bed. He frowned at me.

"She doesn't weigh enough to do anything...." he dismissed my words and came over as I set Tigs back on the bed. He laid down on the bed and she dove at him and they giggled as they enjoyed her new sleeping space. I noticed Squeaky was over sniffing around her new dollhouse. She walked over to check out the bed and jumped up by the foot board. 

"Kitty.." Tigs said to her and reached over to try and touch the cat. Squeaky was patient with her and let her stroke her fur for a minute before she jumped off the bed and walked over to rub between my legs. 

"I guess you like all this too..." I remarked to my cat as she blinked at me. Yes, she was sold on it as well.

7 August 1976

"I don't know why you were so surprised....look at what he got Robert for his birthday.." Deacy pointed out to me as we waited for Roger to finish adjusting his drums. "Freddie got him his own piano Brian..." He almost giggled at the memory of Robert's birthday party. I had forgot that Freddie had spoiled his little one as well. "How is a one year old supposed to play a piano? But he means well..." he reminded me.

"You're right...it's lovely that he spends his money to spoil them...." I agreed. I decided to let it go. Roger waved to us and we got up from the chairs and walked to our guitars. "Where is the man of the hour anyway?" I asked Deacy as I looked to see Freddie wasn't here right now. I peered into the control booth and saw him speaking to Mike, our engineer. They finished in a minute and he came out smiling.

"Somebody To Love please..." he informed us as he walked to his piano. We were still working on the backing track. I got my guitar settings switched and checked the tuning as Freddie got seated. 'I hope you two are ready for some hard work tomorrow..." he said to me and Roger. "I've got the harmonies sorted and your boys will be busy..." Freddie looked pleased with himself.

"Ready when you are..." Mike informed us on the speaker and Freddie turned to Roger for the count in. 

14th August 1976

Roger's POV

Brian was not at the studio today. He was working with the Japanese translator on the lyrics for his song, Let Us Cling Together. I was glad because I didn't want him there when I recorded my vocal for my new song. He has seen the lyrics I wrote but doesn't know about the surprise I am doing. I got set up to record a third run at the vocal as Freddie and Deacy sat in the control booth.

"This is such a cool thing Rog..." Deacy told me over the speaker as Mike readied the tape. "We are ready.." I heard Mike say from his chair. I nodded and then settled myself in front of the microphone and put my hand up for him to begin. The backing track came on and I took a breath.

It's the sad eyed goodbye  
Yesterday's moments I remember  
It's the bleak street, weak knee'd partings I recall  
It's the mistier mists the hazier days  
The brighter sun and the easier lays  
There's all the more reason for laughing and crying  
When you're younger and life isn't to hard at all   
It's the fantastic drowse  
Of the afternoon Sundays  
That bored you to rages of tears  
The unending pleadings  
To waste all your good times  
In thoughts of your middle-aged years  
It's the vertical hold all the things that you're told  
For the everyday hero it all turns to zero  
And there's all the more reason  
For living or dying when you're young  
And your troubles are all very small   
Out here on the street we'd gather and meet  
And scuff up the sidewalk  
With endlessly restless feet  
Half on the time we'd broaden our minds  
More in the pool hall  
Than we did in the school hall  
With the down town chewing gum bums  
Watching the night life the lights and the fun   
Never wanted to be the boy next door  
Always thought I'd be something more  
But it ain't easy for a small town boy  
It ain't easy at all  
Thinkin' it right and doin' it wrong  
It's easier from an arm chair  
Waves of alternatives wash over my sleepiness  
Have my eggs poached for breakfast I guess   
I think I'll be Clint Eastwood  
Jimi Hendrix he was good  
Let's try William the Conqueror  
Now who else do I like...

It sounded better than my previous attempts and I waited for them to stop the tape.

"That was much better.." Freddie told me over the speaker. I nodded agreement and smiled at him through the window. Freddie leaned in. "Are you ready to record the last part?" he asked me. I nodded. I waited for Mike and shifted my weight on my feet. 

"Ready...." he told me. I smiled as I counted to myself and then spoke it quietly into the microphone.

"Brian May..."

20 August 1976

Brian's POV

"Come on in..." Mack told me. I stood up from the couch and followed him into his office. How are you doing today Brian?" he asked me as I found my usual spot in his little meeting room.

"I've been really good.." I told him. I had my notebook in my hands and smiled at him as he took a seat and got comfortable. "The recording is going well and we are doing a few shows before our Hyde Park concert on the 18th of next month..." I added. 

"I know you've been really busy...it's been 3 weeks since I've seen you.." he reminded me. I nodded agreement. It has been pretty hectic.

"Between moving, all our birthdays and such....there hasn't been much free time...of course, we also had the situation with that reporter and that article he published...." I reminded him. He looked concerned and leaned forward in his chair.

"I read the article after you called and you said there would be an article coming out in Disc to counter his insinuations...right?" he asked me.

"Yes...the article will appear this week....the magazine comes out tomorrow actually..." I remembered now it would be in the newsstands tomorrow. Good. I smiled to myself and to Mack.

"I'll get a copy and read it....are you happy with it? You said this reporter knows about you and Roger and is friendly...." he remarked. I nodded as I smiled widely. Rosie is a good person.

"Yes...her name is Rosemary Horide....she does know about us and is on board with keeping it private...she has written an article before to help us out....she's a really nice person and has no issue with us as a couple..." I replied. 

"Well...it's good to know you have an ally somewhere in the press..." he remarked back. 

"It helps...yes...of course...we often give her exclusives and things in return....so it's good for business all around..." I explained. He understood my meaning.

"So....how have you been feeling about all this going on at the same time you find out that you are actually having a baby?" I smiled as I recalled my phone conversation with him. Telling him about having to postpone my appointment but also informing him Clare was pregnant and bringing him up to date on the article about Roger and myself.

"It has been a lot of up and down I will admit that..." I confessed to him. It has been a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. "Between buying the house and moving, the birthday celebrations, the article and working on our new record...I honestly can't tell you when I last got a full nights sleep..." I realized I had been up late most nights and having to get up with an alarm. It was crazier than touring almost.

"I hope you can get some rest before you do those shows....I would hate to see you have problems from fatigue..." he remarked to me. I nodded understanding and realized he was right. I recalled having trouble with my mood when we worked on our last record. Roger had remarked more than once about my frame of mind and lack of sleep. 

"I'll be sure and make time for some real sleep...." I told him. I wanted to laugh because his couch is quite comfortable and I could actually have a nap right now if I am honest. 

"I've had some good exercise though with our pool....we've really enjoyed having it with the summer heat..." I commented. He smiled at me.

"I bet that has been a nice treat with your busy schedule...that is a good way to relax and unwind..." Mack got a tender look on his face.

"How is Roger handling this hectic schedule?" he asked me. I smiled.

"He is a ball of energy Mack....he seems to find the fuel for anything.." I smiled as I recalled his rocketing about all this past month with everything going on. He loves to sleep but has plenty of stamina regardless. Mack laughed at my comment.

"I hope he never loses that...it's a good trait to have in this busy world of ours..." he told me.

"Yeah....between you and me....he wears me out sometimes....particularly in the bedroom.." I confessed. I have never said anything about our sex lives in a session before and felt a little odd saying it out loud. Mack smiled at me with warmth. He wasn't embarrassed so I felt better.

"I hope you have a healthy sex life...it is good for your well being Brian...don't ever feel embarrassed talking about that with me..." he assured me. I still felt a touch of a blush on my face but smirked at him.

"I am happy to report that that area of our relationship has always been good...of course...we get really busy sometimes and it becomes a matter of having enough hours in the day...but we do make time and I'm never disappointed.." I told him candidly. Mack laughed out loud at me and slapped his thigh.

"Well...I remember the way you looked at each other on your wedding day...your love was obvious but you two definitely have a chemistry...." he remarked to me. I grinned at his memory.

"I know you're not into men...but I think Roger is the most beautiful person I have ever seen..." I admitted to him. Mack looked amused at my statement. 

"Roger is a very good looking man....but you are quite handsome yourself....you make a beautiful pair.." he replied. I smiled at his compliment and felt a little awkward. It always feels odd to be called handsome. Except when Rog tells me.

"Thank you...I do feel good when I am with him..." Mack and I exchanged a smile. "You recalled our wedding day....are you aware it was 2 years ago in 5 day's time?" I reminded him. He looked surprised at the information.

"Right! It was August...though the weather was much cooler..." he recalled with a lighthearted look. "Do you have any plans for your anniversary?" he asked me.

"We are recording right now so not really...we will have some time alone when we are in Scotland and Wales....so we will find a moment then..." I replied.

"I'm glad you can work something out to mark the occasion.. he commented. "Have you made time for journaling and have you worked on your homework at all?" I nodded to him and patted my notebook.

"Both actually...it has helped me a lot....some nights when I have trouble shutting my mind off...I write in my journal about my thoughts or I work on the list you asked me to make.." I held my notebook up to him. "Did you want to see it?" I asked him. He smiled but shook his head.

"I don't want to see your journal...that is for you alone..." he informed me. "I am glad you are working on the list but I want to wait a little longer before we look at that...alright?" he told me.

"Okay...." I agreed. "Should I keep working on it?" I asked him with uncertainty. I knew there was more I could put on it. 

"You didn't finish it?" he asked me. I shook my head. "Then yes...keep working on it and we will look at it soon.." he replied. "Now let's talk about this new baby..." Mack changed the subject but I instantly beamed when he brought it up. "How is that going so far?"

"I have been feeling pretty excited but trying to keep it all in perspective...I went with Clare for her first doctor visit....I got to meet her doctor and ask questions..it was nice...her doctor had a reading list which I greatly appreciated....I like the doctor and feel Clare is in good hands..." I remarked back. "We are pretending to a be a couple with the doctor....just to keep up appearances..." I added with some unease. Mack could see my implication of not being thrilled with this. "Of course...the excitement of the baby makes it worth it and I adore Clare so it's not a real effort or anything..." I felt like I needed to say this.

"But you wish you could just be honest about the whole thing..." Mack pointed out the truth and I nodded agreement. I sighed.

"Yes.....the one thing I don't like about being with Rog is that we have to lie a lot....it just feels bad....it gets tiresome sometimes..." I told him with a sense of weariness. "I wish we could just be ourselves...all the time..." Mack looked sympathetic.

"You are an honest person by nature Brian so it is clear this bothers you....I can see how this aspect of being with him can be emotionally draining at times..." he told me. I appreciate Mack's empathy. It is nice to have a therapist who approves of us and is understanding of our situation. Such a difference from Dr. Fischer. I never feel the judgement and don't feel I let Mack down at all. 

"Thanks Mack....I think Roger handles this better than I do sometimes...not that he is okay with lying....he just doesn't let it get to him as easily..." I tried to explain and felt like I made Roger look bad. 

"It is interesting how you two handle the different aspects of your life...." Mack commented. "You balance each other well...I hope you see that..." 

"There are some obvious things...that I do know....I am lucky that I do get to see a side of Roger a lot of people never see....he really is a tender guy at times....he's not all anger and grit!" I remarked with sincerity. 

"But you are drawn to his feisty spirit though... " Mack pointed out with a twinkle in his eye. I couldn't help the wide smile that crossed my face. 

"Yes....he is a lively one!" I laughed. "Practically a wild stallion at times..." I added. We both chuckled at this. 

"I think it might be good sometime for me to see the two of you together..." Mack advised me. I wasn't opposed to it.

"Alright...." I agreed. Mack looked pleased I was okay with it. 

"How was your birthday? Well all of them!" he laughed gently as he remembered the 3 birthdays we have within a 3 week time period. 

"Roger and I actually had a joint birthday party at the new house. It was a pool party since it was blazing hot at the time..." I replied. "I have to admit it was a lot of fun..." I told Mack all about our party and then what happened on Tiger Lily's birthday as well. He listened and seemed interested in it all. 

"So Freddie bought her a whole new bedroom set?" he repeated to me. I nodded to him.

"Yes....he doesn't seem to understand that a two year doesn't need these kind of extravagances.." I explained. "But once Roger saw it all...well there was no returning it..." I told him with a hint of annoyance. "Now he is insistent that we get a decorator in to do the rest of the house..." I huffed a bit as I said it. Mack looked amused at my reaction.

"Are you worried about the money?" he asked me with genuine concern. 

"A little.....I mean....the house is mortgaged but we put down over half of the purchase price so the mortgage isn't really sizable.....I didn't want an outrageous payment in the event we don't continue to see this level of success...." I explained to him. "I try to stay practical about money....but Roger is almost like Freddie sometimes and seems to want to spend it all as soon as we've made it.." I feel like this is the prudent way to be. "His friend Jo...well...her sister is a decorator and he wants to her come have a look and give us some ideas and an estimate..." 

"Well...that seems a reasonable place to start....it's not like he is spending a lot of money behind your back is he?" he asked me sincerely. I get frustrated with Roger about his lack of concern about money but do trust him regarding our finances.

"Not that I'm aware of..." I replied. "I do trust him overall about our finances..." Mack seemed intrigued by something and shifted in his chair.

"Are there things you don't trust him about?" he asked me carefully. My mind immediately went to thoughts of him cheating on me. I hated that this happened to us. 

"I feel like I do trust him about most things....but one day we got in a fight when he was trying to get me to look for a larger house. He confessed to me that he had lied about what he had been doing one day when he was out with Jo. It was really about surprising me but it really bothered me and I said something to him that I instantly regretted.." I admitted to him. Mack waited for me to explain further. "When he admitted he had lied I kind of knee jerked and asked him what else he had been lying to me about..." I said to him with regret. "When I said it I was pretty hateful about it..." 

"How did Roger react?" he inquired. I sighed heavily and looked down at my hands.

"Not well...as you can imagine...he stormed off and things were tense for a bit...even after I apologized a few times and told him I do trust him...." I explained. Mack looked serious.

"Do you trust Roger? Has the trust been restored or is it still a work in progress?" Mack asked me frankly. I had to answer truthfully. What is the point if I lie to him or myself?

"To be honest....I think I do and then something like that moment happens and it almost feels like a trigger of some deep seated feeling I have that hasn't quite gone away..." Mack didn't looked surprised.

"That is pretty normal Brian....he cheated and lied to you....it is hard to erase the impact of it even though you have forgiven him and reconciled....be patient with yourself but make sure you talk to him about your feelings....it helps him to know where you are at....it may help prevent another moment like the one you had with that fight..." His words made sense to me and I felt better about not completely being over it.

"That is good advice.....I'll do that..." I told him. "We did both promise to try and talk more about our feelings to each other....so this helps...thanks.."

Mack smiled at me and leaned back in his chair. "So.....tell me about your new album..."

I instantly smiled. His loving rock and roll is a great side benefit in a therapist.

"Well...we've almost finished my first song....it's called 'Tie Your Mother Down..." I answered. Mack had the most buoyant expression on his face.

"Have you told your mother about this song yet?" he asked me with deep amusement in his voice. I laughed and shook my head.

"Not yet....though it is not what it sounds like..." I tried to defend the song. Mack still looked highly amused.

"Is this where we need to have a talk about the relationship you have with your Mother?" Mack joked. I laughed out loud and purposely moved to lay down on the couch.

"Where do we begin?" I joked back. "I'm not sure I remember being born..." I quipped to him.

Mack laughed and threw his head back at my remark. 

"How about you just tell me what the lyrics are...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> ** A little Queen factoid - you may already know this - on the song Drowse, the last audible line from Roger is 'Now who else do I like?' If you turn your volume up all the way and keep listening while wearing earbuds or earphones to the very end of the song - Roger tells you who else he likes. He says 'Brian May.' When I first read this I was skeptical but I have listened to this track a dozen times with the volume on full and carefully listened. I am pretty sure that is what he is saying. If you think it is something else, I would be keen to know your opinion.
> 
> From a Maylor writing standpoint - this is pure gold!
> 
> Oh one more thing - Drowse is a one of my favorite Queen songs. This is Roger Taylor at his finest. That drowsy guitar sound gives me the feels.


	74. When Your Radials Squeal - Part 1

24 August 1976

London/Surrey

Rehearsal Hall

Roger's POV

"I think we should add this to the set..." Freddie remarked. "We can do it after '39'...it is a slow number and would fit well right there..." He campaigned to us. Freddie was seated at his piano but was turned around facing us as we all relaxed with our instruments. 

"I'm okay with it...." Brian responded. I know Brian is happy that we are doing '39' in our show. We had discussed the idea of all of us coming to the front of the stage. I would have a bass drum and play tambourine and share the backing vocals. The main difference was that Freddie would sing the number rather than Brian. It made sense since Freddie is our lead singer and he wouldn't have anything to do otherwise. 

"That works for me..." I added to the vote. Deacy shrugged and seemed indifferent.

"Ditto..." he remarked. Freddie beamed as he turned back around to face the piano, grabbed his pen and added 'You Take My Breath Away' to the set list. 

"I guess you will perform this by yourself or do you want to rehearse us doing some backing vocals?" Brian asked him. Freddie's plan was to do all the vocal work on the album track when we got around to recording it. I was curious as well how this would work. Freddie waived his hand at us dismissively. 

"I'll just do it as a little solo piece if that's alright with everyone...." he replied. "Just me and the piano..." he added. He began to play the introduction on the piano and we all stood and listened as he ran through his abbreviated live version of the song. It was really tasteful and powerful. Just amazing how good he was all by himself and his piano. The fans will love the sneak preview of the new album track. His live version is simple in comparison but still evocative. He finished with a flair of notes on the keys and turned back to face us all. "Well?" he asked us knowing full well it was bloody perfect.

"I think it will do..." I remarked in a monotone manner. He scoffed at me but we all laughed. "It's perfect Freddie....would it be any other way?" I questioned him with delight. He looked pleased with himself as he grabbed the set list from the top of the piano. 

"So... we've added this and along with 'Tie Your Mother Down,' we are now previewing two new tracks...sound good everyone?" he asked us all. We all nodded. I had considered asking about 'Drowse' but it really felt like a slow number for a live set. I figured it would get argued out or voted down. It would be fun to do a live number myself but knew most of my tracks weren't suited for a live forum. Only Freddie had sang so far, even now with '39' being added. 

"What is everyone wearing for these shows?" Deacy asked us all. He had taken a seat on a tall stool with his bass resting in his lap. I hadn't given it much thought. Since I sit behind the drums, I don't think about this in the same manner as the others. Brian smiled widely.

"I don't know if it will be ready for the out of town shows but Zandra has made me a new frock..." he announced. He and Freddie shared a giddy look. I know they had gone to see her for some new stage clothes. He wouldn't tell me what she is designing for him.

"I am scaling it down a bit.." Freddie remarked casually. "I do find that wearing white on stage helps tremendously with large crowds as they can see me better. I suggest you all find something predominantly white or light in color..." he suggested to us. I could manage that. "Roger dear...since you will be out front during '39,' try to come up with something to coordinate with us..." he told me. I understood his intent and smiled at him.

"White it is...." Deacy agreed. We all seemed pensive for a moment and went to resume our rehearsal. The door suddenly popped open and Ratty stuck his head inside.

"I was supposed to let you know when it was midnight..." he informed us. We had all agreed we would stop at midnight and go home to get some rest.

"Thank you darling....I'll be just a few minutes.." Freddie informed Ratty. I am presuming Ratty is his chauffeur today. Freddie gathered his music sheets and personal things as I slid my sticks into their bag and stood up and stretched a bit. Brian was setting his guitar in its case and Deacy already had his secured. I shivered for a moment as I had got a bit sweaty earlier from playing but had cooled off and felt a little chill. I found my jacket and pulled it on. 

"I guess we meet back up here again tomorrow...same time.." Brian remarked to everyone. We all nodded and Freddie headed for the door and Ratty.

"See you then..." Deacy replied to Brian as he followed Freddie out. I lingered as Brian gathered his things and I went and grabbed his bag for him since he was taking Red home with us. He doesn't like leaving her here overnight. I don't blame him. We walked to the door and saw the tech shutting out the lights as we left.

"You okay to drive?" Brian asked me. I am not at all tired and am fine to drive.

"I'm good..." I confirmed to him. We left the rehearsal hall and walked to the car. We got Red in the boot and jumped in for the drive home. Gone are the days of the car top being down. Summer is dying out and the evening air is taking on the promise of autumn. I was glad I brought my jacket in as the wind outside was crisp when we walked to the car. I pulled out and headed for the motorway to get us home. I will admit the one downside of moving to Surrey is that any trip to London or nearby is a journey. I love driving but sometimes it is a bit much. I was fine tonight. The cool air and energetic rehearsal mixed with the excitement of doing some shows next week had me feeling pretty ramped up. I know Brian might be a bit tired. I will get us home and get him some rest. He had mentioned that Mack expressed concern about him sleeping enough. I certainly don't want a relapse of his emotional state. He is still taking his medication and is doing well. I want this to continue. 

I reached the entrance to the motorway and got on. It was about 35 minutes to get home from the hall we rented for practice. I was kind of lost in my thoughts when I felt his hand slide over to my thigh.

"It's after midnight...so Happy Anniversary..." Brian said to me in a tender voice. I smiled and turned to look at him quickly. He leaned over and kissed my cheek. 

"Happy Anniversary..." I responded. "It's a shame we have so much going on right now..." I remarked to him. "We could have tried to sneak away for a night somewhere..." I told him. Brian smiled warmly at me.

"We will have some time together when we are in Edinburgh and Cardiff...." he reminded me. I nodded agreement as I drove.

"Yeah....I remember last year when we went to that restaurant in Cardiff for our anniversary dinner..." I told him. I wanted to smile at the memory but that was a painful time for me. I was really struggling to cope with a lot and made some big mistakes around that time. I felt instant regret.

"You okay?" Brian asked me. I guess my face gave me away. I nodded to him but knew I needed to say what I was feeling. We had promised to talk to each other. 

"I was thinking about what a shit I was this time last year...." I confessed to him. "The drinking and me always in a bad mood....I wasn't coping well with everything and took it out on everyone...you and Tigs..." I said to him with regret in my voice. Brian nodded that he heard me.

"But look how far you've come Rog....how involved you are in Tiger Lily's life....you quit the excessive partying and..." Brian paused his statement and I knew what was next.

"I quit cheating on you....." I said out loud for both of us. Brian looked uneasy for a moment but then smiled at me and nodded.

"You did quit cheating...." he affirmed to me. "You showed me that you regretted it all and you won me back...." he reminded me. I had to smile at the knowledge I had restored our relationship. I was quite happy about it.

"I'm glad you came back...." I told him. I turned to glance at him with gratitude and love.

"So am I....." 

\-----------------------

We arrived home and I parked the car and slipped out of the driver's seat. I walked to the boot and we grabbed our things as we headed in the house. It was about 1 a.m. in the morning. My mother had returned home following Tiger Lily's birthday so just Clare and Tigs were asleep upstairs. We left his guitar in the main room and began the walk to the stairs.

"I need to do something in my study...I'll be up in a few minutes.." Brian told me. I nodded and headed up alone. I went and checked on Tigs and she was fast asleep. Clare's door was partly open and I could see her sleeping as well. I was thirsty and decided to head back down to the kitchen before bed. I went down and got myself a drink of orange juice and walked with it to Brian's study. The door was open so I peered in and found him seated and writing something in his journal. He looked up at me and smiled.

"Want a drink?" I asked him. He nodded as he wrote something and I walked over and handed him my glass. He took a sip and handed it back to me.

"Thanks...that was good..." he remarked. I walked over and looked at a photograph hanging on the wall next to a shelf. It was a picture he took of Freddie and I years ago. When we had first moved into the flat above the shop and we had not even met Deacy at that time. Queen was only an idea in Freddie's head. I couldn't get over how young we both looked. It was hard to believe it was six years ago.

"God! We were young..." I commented as I looked at us in the picture. I remembered everything about that day. "You took that picture the day The Beatles broke up..." I reminded him. I turned to look at Brian and found him standing and walking over to me. He came to stand behind me and slipped his arms around my waist.

"You're right...it was that day....wow! I remember how deflated we all felt at the news..." he said to me as he gently squeezed me to him. "You know...that was also the day Freddie confessed he knew about us being together..." Brian remarked. I had not recalled that and my mouth remained opened as we looked at the picture.

"I guess the joke was on us..eh?" I replied. "He turned out to be the same..." I added. Brian laughed lightly and then moved the arm he had wrapped around my waist up to my face. He turned my head around and leaned in to kiss me. It felt so good. His soft lips always feel so perfect to me. To this day I still get a feeling in my stomach. That rupture of butterflies when he kisses me unexpectedly. I turned in his arms and pulled him in for a real kiss. He tasted like my orange juice. Warm and sweet. I deepened our kiss as Brian ran a hand up into my hair and held the back of my head. I moaned lightly at the feel of his fingers gripping my hair and my head. He pressed us closer together as I ran my hand around to his back and slipped it inside the bottom of his t-shirt. Brian took a step back and almost stumbled. We parted and laughed for a moment but looked into each other's eyes. We have been really busy lately and had not had time for much intimacy. There was desire in Brian's eyes and I felt it myself. He quickly began walking to the study door and I followed, thinking we were heading upstairs to our room. I was surprised when he quietly closed the door and locked it. He turned around and grabbed me and I was shocked when he lifted me up by my legs. I instantly wrapped myself around him and put my arms around his neck. We began kissing with desperation as he walked me over to his desk and sat me down on it. It was a good height balance and we continued kissing fervently as I grabbed the buckle on his belt and undid it. I began to unzip his trousers and he stopped kissing me and then I leaned over to help him get naked. I shoved his trousers and briefs down his thighs and he grabbed at my shirt to get it off. I pulled it over my head as I laid back on his desk and he began undoing my own trousers. He quickly got me undressed and then slid me down the desk towards him a bit to kiss me again. He pulled me up to kiss him and we ran our hands over each other in a hungry manner as I pulled his shirt up. He managed to get it off in between kissing and fondling each other. I ran my hands up and down his long lean torso and pulled him towards me as I spread my legs sitting on his desk. He reached over and took my face in both of his hands and kissed me with intensity before moving one of his hands down to my cock. He stroked it a few times before I moaned loudly and pushed him back a bit. I slid off his desk and got on my knees in front of him and licked my hand and fingers before I stroked him gently and kissed his stomach and hips. I ran my free hand up between his legs and lightly touched his thighs.

"Fuck Rog!" he moaned to me. I took him in my mouth and began licking and sucking him as I reached carefully for his balls. He almost popped out of my mouth with surprise when I slipped a finger inside him. He then reacted differently. He relaxed into me and let me work him open as I continued blowing him. Brian grabbed hold of my head and I could feel his legs clench up as he tried to remain standing and in control. "God.....you are so fucking good at this....you might need to stop..." he breathed out to me. He had grown winded and his fingers clutched tightly at my hair. I let up on sucking him and just licked him and then stroked him but kept my other hand busy with his bottom. I got him open well enough and then stood up and looked him in the eye.

"Wet my cock for me..." I told him in a husky voice. I saw him swallow hard and he barely nodded as he got his hand wet with his own saliva and then took hold of me and stroked me lightly to coat me. His hand felt delicious on my cock and I almost didn't want him to stop. But I wanted him. I pulled his hand away and then took hold of him and turned him to face his desk. "Bend over..." I told him in that same husky voice. Brian silently did as I asked and spread his legs for me. He turned to look at me with his large eyes and his mouth and expression showed the anticipation of what was to come. He wanted me. I spread his cheeks and bent down and let a large pool of saliva run down from my mouth right onto his opening.

I got behind him and took hold of one of his hips. I grabbed my cock with my other hand and pushed myself just inside him. Once I was in I grabbed his other hip and began slowly working myself in.

"Oh Rog....fuck!" Brian groaned as I got inside him. "It's been too long...god...it feels so good.." he told me in a whispered voice. I kept one hand on his hip and used the other to press on his back to hold him in place. Once we both got warmed up and comfortable I increased my pace. We both began making sounds as I thrust into him steadily. He had a grip on the edges of his desk and his breathing was audible along with the sounds of our flesh meeting. "So good..." he muttered to me as I kept at him. It is good! He feels so fucking good. Tight and warm and soft. 

"Fuck Bri....you feel amazing..." I groaned to him as I kept hold of his hips and pounded into him. It had been a while and this felt too good to last. I knew I was going to come soon. I went with it. "Not gonna last.." I told him as I leaned over his back and moved one of my hands onto his neck. I leaned over and swept his hair away and kissed and licked his shoulders and neck and grabbed at his hair. "So fucking good..." I managed to get out before I felt that intense twinge inside me and I erupted as I pushed harder into him. "Yeah!" I groaned as I kept pumping into him. I emptied inside him and heard his moaning as I pulled out.

"Fuck!" Brian whined to me as I moved to turned him over and up on the desk. He complied but was moving awkwardly and I quickly ran my hand over his sticky bottom and used my wet hand to stroke him. He instantly gasped at the feel of my hand on his sensitive cock. I slid my hand back down to his hole and sunk my fingers in as I bent down and took his cock in my mouth and worked to finish him off. Brian instantly grabbed hold of my head and I knew he was close because his control was gone. He shoved his cock into my mouth with almost a cry and held my head as I found the edge of his prostate with my fingers. It didn't take long and Brian shouted as he came hard into my mouth and I wiggled and pressed my fingers inside him. "Rog!" he cried as he spilled into my mouth. His body jerked a few times and he sighed heavily as he began to relax on the desk and his arms and legs fell to the sides like jelly. I smiled after I pulled my mouth away. He looked utterly spent laying on his desk. He had a stupid grin and his face was red and warm. I fought the urge to grab his camera and take his picture. I leaned down instead and grabbed my cotton shirt from the floor and used it to wipe myself off. I then gently got him cleaned up and we almost giggled when I tickled his inner thigh with my finger.

"Stop it!" he half whined and half laughed. I laughed back as I helped him up from the desktop. When he sat up we shared a kiss and then he looked around and noticed a few things had come off his desk in the process of our fun. They were scattered about on the floor.

"Clean it up tomorrow..." I told him before he could say anything. I bent down and found his briefs for him. He got up to put them on and I got my own as well. I bundled up our clothes in my arm and went to open the door.

"We have to get dressed...what if Clare is up?" Brian asked me innocently as I opened the door and turned to look at him.

"Now...that is the beauty of our spiral staircase..." I informed him. He smiled widely and moved to follow me out. We both went quietly up the stairs that were right by his study. We were halfway up when I felt Brian pinch my bottom. I stopped and turned to look at him. "Don't start something you can't finish..." I warned him. He laughed quietly as we began to climb the stairs again. We reached the top and we could easily see that the view from Clare's room door could not see our stairs or our bedroom door as we slipped in our room and closed the door behind us.

\--The next morning--

Brian's POV

We had to be at rehearsals and I woke up before the alarm clock. I turned it off to spare Roger the horrid sound of it and slipped out of bed and took a quick shower. I walked into our room as I toweled off and reached over to wake up my beautiful husband. I smiled as I watched him peacefully nestled against the pillow and his body completely relaxed. He still looks so bloody young. Nowhere near his 27 years. I wasn't sure if that made me feel old or young because of it. I dropped my towel on the bed and leaned over to try to wake him up. I took hold of his shoulder and gently shook him.

"Time to get up babe..." I told him softly. His eyes slowly opened and I moved his hair out of his face as he turned towards me. He blinked a bit and smiled at me as he woke up. 

"This is a nice way to greet me...." he said to me as he reached over and pinched my nipple. I yelped a little in surprise. I had forgot I am naked. I was going to pull the covers off him to wake him up more but he moved them first. He pushed them off towards his side of the bed and I went to turn to go back to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Roger grabbed my arm and stopped me. "Where do you think you're going?" he asked me in a scruffy morning voice. I turned to look at him and he was looking me up and down with a wry smile. I decided to play innocent.

"Just going to finish getting ready..." I replied casually. He pulled on my arm harder to force me back on the bed. I fell down a bit onto the mattress and he laughed as he quickly pulled off his shirt and briefs.

"I want you to sit up for me..." he told me in a soft but a bit of a forceful way. 

"Aren't you the bossy one?" I said to him with a snarky tone. I found him to be sexy this way but wanted to give him a hard time about it. He almost pouted at me but then looked stern.

"Do what I say or you might regret it..." he said forcefully to me as he helped shuffle me into a sitting position against the headboard. I laughed as he got me situated. He climbed onto my lap and straddled my legs. "You should be careful these days...remember...I now own some handcuffs Bri..." he teased as he placed his hands on my shoulders and leaned in and kissed me. "Happy anniversary Brimi...I love you.." he told me as I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. 

"If we weren't already running late I would get those cuffs out and punish you.." I told him in a cheeky tone. "I love you too...." I told him with conviction as we hugged each other tight. We stayed that way for a minute and then I pushed him back and leaned forward for a kiss. 

"You always taste so good..." Roger told me sweetly as our lips parted. I smirked at him and pressed another kiss to his mouth. He pressed his hands into my shoulders and I held one of my hands against his neck as we kissed deeply. Roger instantly began grinding against me and it had an immediate effect on me. 

"We are already going to be late...." I chided him for starting something. Roger ground against me more forcefully and winked at me.

"If we are already in trouble...then why not?" he challenged me. "We're excused...it's our fucking anniversary...." he told me firmly. I slipped my hand around and squeezed his bottom.

"Fine...you tell them we were late because it is our anniversary and we were busy fucking then..." I replied as I leaned over and opened my nightstand drawer for some lube. He giggled at my faked contempt.

"I will....now if you would kindly snog me senseless and fuck me already...." Roger told me but I cut him off by kissing him fiercely. We kissed quite passionately and I popped the lid on the tube of lubricant. Our kiss broke apart as I had to look to get some of the lubricant on my fingers. 

"You're a brat sometimes..." I teased him and pinched his bottom. He smirked at me and kissed my nose.

"Yeah...but I'm your brat..." he reminded me.

\-----------------------

"Where the hell have you been?" Freddie barked at us as we walked in the rehearsal hall about an hour after our planned meeting time. Roger looked practically smug. He turned and kissed me and I kissed him back. Completely unapologetic. Freddie scoffed at us both. "I see....you were too busy fucking to care about your best friends....and to be on time for a very important rehearsal..." he scolded us as we approached the stage area. Deacy looked indifferent as he took a sip of tea and just smiled warmly at us.

"Morning..." Deacy mumbled to us. Roger and I both smiled at him.

"And a good day to you too Fred.." I told him as I ignored his badgering. I hopped up on the stage and then reached my hand out to help Roger up. He took it and let me help him get up on the platform. I pulled him into my arms and kissed him again. He giggled and I walked him over to his kit and held the stool as he sat down.

"Why thank you Mr. May..." he told me in a gallant manner as he got seated. Freddie stood and watched us with an offended expression. He folded his arms across his chest and grunted a bit. I walked over to my guitar stand and realized I had left Red in the car. I jumped off the stage and began walking to the door.

"Where are you going?" Freddie asked me indignantly. I didn't turn and kept walking.

"I'm going after my Red Special..." I told them all and was almost to the door when Deacy spoke up.

"From the look on Roger's face when you guys walked in, I think he already enjoyed your 'red special' this morning..." he quipped to us. Both Freddie and Roger burst out laughing. I know I was blushing a bit so I kept walking.

\---Later that day---

"Let's take a little break...." Deacy suggested after we had run through our new material a few times. We planned to do an entire run through of the set list but were waiting for our lighting and sound men to arrive. I slipped my guitar off and hopped down from the stage to find something to drink. We had been going for about two hours and I was thirsty. I went in to the break room and found a refrigerator. There were several bottles of coca cola in there so I grabbed two and got the caps pulled off and walked back to the stage area. Roger, Freddie and Deacy were standing in a circle chatting. Roger had lit a cigarette.

"Is it on your actual birthday?" I heard Roger asked Freddie. He grinned and nodded to him. "Of course dear.....luckily with our schedule I was able to do it this day..." he replied.

"Having a party Fred?" I asked as I came up and handed Rog a bottle of soda. 

"Yes...and of course you are invited....." he informed me. "Can I ask if you are bringing your husband as your date or are you bringing your fake pregnant girlfriend?" he teased. Roger and I shared a smirk. Roger walked over and sat on his stool again and sipped his soda.

"I guess it depends on how public your party is..." I responded. I glanced over at Deacy. "Deacy had a private party and so did we..." I gestured at Roger. "Are you having it at your flat or a private venue or is all of London invited?" I asked him as I sipped my drink.

"You sure are cocky today..." he remarked to me with a raised eyebrow. Roger laughed and I couldn't help but laugh as well. I was feeling a bit bold and surly today. And quite happy. Roger and I finding some time for each other had me feeling really good.

"Don't remind Roger of his cock Freddie.....they'll end up in the cupboard with the door locked. "Deacy remarked to us. I got a stern look on my face and stared at Deacy and Freddie both.

"You may not recall but today is Roger and I's wedding anniversary..." I announced to them. They looked a little surprised and then both of them got wide smiles.

"Well that does explain your tardiness and general state of bliss..." Freddie replied with a romantic tone in his voice. "I guess you are excused...." he said diplomatically.

"It also explains why Rog keeps shifting about so much on his drum stool..." Deacy shot back. Roger threw his drum stick at Deacy and it bounced off his back as Deacy laughed and jerked forward in response to the guided missile.

"Fuck you!" Roger told Deacy while laughing. Deacy picked up the drum stick and tossed it to Rog. He caught it easily and kept hold of it. I took a big drink of my soda and sat the bottle down on a table before jumping back on the stage. 

"So where is your party?" I asked him. Freddie walked to his bag and pulled out an invitation. It was written by his own hand; which I found sweet. I looked it over and saw it was a private affair at a club. I smiled and looked up at him.

"Hey Rog....would you like to be my date at this birthday party? I asked him sarcastically. Roger pretended to blush and batted his eyelashes at me. 

"Why Brian....I would love to..." he replied with utter charm. Deacy giggled at our exchange. The doors to the room opened and our technical guys had arrived. "Let's get this run through going....I have a birthday gift to shop for...." Roger said with a wink at Freddie.

\----------------------------- 

We finished around 9:45 pm and Roger and I were famished. Despite it being our anniversary, we opted for some quick takeaway and I had stole two more colas from the break room at the rehearsal hall. We ate our food in the parking lot of the takeaway and got back in the car to head home. Roger took the usual route and we were soon out of London proper. Neither of us said much as Roger turned off the motorway onto the road that would take us through the nearby village. It was around 11:30 pm so pretty much everything was closed. The road was pretty dark.

"What are we going to get Freddie for his birthday?" I asked Roger as he sped down the road. He shrugged and was silent for a bit.

"We could always get him his own princess bed..." he replied with a wide smile. I laughed out loud at the reference to his outrageous birthday gift for Tiger Lily. "I don't know...what is something he doesn't have that he needs...." Roger questioned. I drew a blank but then realized the main thing he lacks in life.

"An operator's license..." I joked and Roger burst out laughing at the reference to Freddie's lack of interest in driving a car. 

"I thought that is what Ratty is for these days..." Roger pointed out. 

"I don't believe Ratty signed on to be Freddie's driver....." I argued. We both knew that Freddie had taken a shine to Peter Hince a.k.a. Ratty and had begun to rely on him for more than microphone and piano duties. Roger turned to look at me as he laughed. He turned back to look at the road and shouted.

"Fuck!" he roared and I saw him quickly turn the wheel of the car and hit the brakes. I didn't know what was happening and felt myself be propelled a bit around the car. I had my lap belt on and it held me down but I felt my upper body jerk at the force of the car in a half spin on the road. Roger had a vice like grip on the wheel and was completely focused on keeping us from going off the road. I noticed something move out of the corner of my eye and turned quick enough to see back end of a deer bounding away from the road. The car skidded a ways but stopped before we completely landed in the ditch. Just a part of the car was in it. Roger also managed to keep us clear of a tree nearby.

My heart was hammering in my chest so hard it physically hurt. I instinctively clutched at my chest to soothe it. Roger uttered a loud 'argh' that came straight from his gut. I looked over at him and he seemed okay. I didn't see any obvious injuries and he wore a scowl on his face. There was a vast amount of debris swirling in the air outside the car from our skidding. I could see our front beams were still on. The car had died in the process of wrecking. 

"You okay?" I asked him as I leaned over gently to touch his arm. He flipped his arm up and pushed mine away as he opened his car door and bolted out of his seat. "Hey!" I called after him. It was apparent he is angry about the accident. I tested my car door and it opened after I applied some extra pressure. I carefully stood up and got out of the car. It was at an odd angle due to the shallow ditch my part of the car was seated in. I instantly coughed at the air quality around the vehicle.

"Fuck!" Roger shouted so loud I almost jumped. I felt a little shaky. It all happened so fast. Roger was walking around the car and stopped and looked down at the rear driver side tire. He kicked it and screamed. "Fuck!" he yelled again. I guess it is damaged or the tire is flat. 

"Flat tire?" I asked him. His eyes shot up to look at me and I could see fire in his gaze. He is livid! He barged around to my side of the car to check the tires and I realized the front tire on my side was flat as well. He sighed heavily and turned to glance off in the direction the deer had gone.

"I don't fucking believe this!" he barked at me. I jumped again at his state of rage. I was in shock from the event and his ire about it was unsettling.

"Rog...it's okay.....we aren't hurt...." I said to try and soothe him. He glared at me with fury still in his face. I hate it when he gets this mad about something. He seems out of control. 

"The body is damaged and we have two bloody flat tires Bri!" he informed me in a hateful tone. "I have one fucking spare!" he added. "We are stuck here!" he pointed out to me and kicked the car tire again.

"I'll walk to the village...." I said to him meekly as he stood and stared at his damaged car with his hands on his hips. I felt cold and wished I had worn a better jacket tonight. I hadn't planned on a walk after sunset so the air in the countryside was breezy and gave me goose pimples. Or maybe they are from the shock of the accident. I don't know. I started walking in the direction of the village. 

"Brian....wait!" Roger told me in a slightly calmer voice. I stopped and turned to look at him. "Nothing is open....save the pub probably...." he sighed heavily and turned to look at our car again. He opened his door and reached in for his coat and then slammed the door. He pulled his coat on as he came up to join me for the walk to the village. We both began moving and were silent as we found our way in the dark. I heard Roger fumbling for something and then his lighter blazed to life as he lit a cigarette. 

"I hope that calms you down..." I said quietly to him as we shuffled along. I was beginning to fill a bit of an ache in my knee and wondered if I had possibly banged it on the car console or door during the accident. "In case you are wondering.....the deer appeared unharmed..." I remarked to him.

"Yeah? Well the car sure isn't...." he snapped back at me. "I kind of wish that fucking dear had at least broken a leg or something..." he said in a hateful tone. I couldn't believe his words and stopped walking and stared at him in the darkness. I was mortified.

"You know something Rog.....that deer and his ancestors lived in this area long before man did...." I began to lecture him as I felt myself losing my cool. "It's not their fault we built our houses and roads across their forest and glades..." I argued to him. He kept walking and took a drag from his cigarette. "It was an unfortunate accident Rog! We should just be grateful we aren't hurt!" I shouted towards him as he kept moving farther away from me. He didn't say another word as he continued his walk. I finally began walking again and grunted in resignation that he was going to remain mad about this and maybe talking right now wasn't the best idea. 

I tried to move faster to catch up to him and the more I moved the worse my knee felt. "Ow!" I grimaced as I stepped on a bump in the road and twisted my knee a bit. The pain shot through my leg and I stopped to nurse my knee with my hand. Roger actually stopped and turned and began walking back towards me.

"Are you hurt?" he asked me as he came up to my side. I was still bent over rubbing my knee when lights from a vehicle coming towards us filled the road. We both stood up as the car slowed down and then stopped a few feet away. The car door opened and an older woman stepped out wearing an expensive fur coat and had on driving gloves and riding boots over her trousers.

"Are you from the car in the ditch a quarter of a mile back?" she asked us in a crisp upper crust accent. I nodded to her as I walked towards her with a slight limp.

"Yes....a deer ran out in front of us..." I explained as I came up to her side. "Thanks for stopping..." I said to her as I clutched my jacket around my sides. She looked me up and down and then glanced at Roger. He had on his fur coat as well and had chosen to wear his pink sparkling sneakers today with tight blue jeans and a black silk shirt covered by a new satin jacket. His dyed blond hair was blown out and he looked every bit the rock star. She seemed disenchanted with our appearances.

"From the looks of you....maybe I should just keep going..." she replied to me sharply. I could feel the angry energy coming from Roger even though he was several feet away. I prayed he would be civil so we could get a ride. Before he could react the lady huffed to herself and turned and opened the back door to her car. "I saw you limping so I guess come along then..." she remarked in resigned tone and gestured to the back seat. I was grateful and could appreciate that she doesn't know who we are. She is a woman on her own late at night. I turned to Roger and my expression tried to warn him to be nice as I walked over and slid into the back seat.

"Thank you very much....." I said sincerely. Roger walked past her and I swear they both glared at each other momentarily before Roger got in beside me. Roger closed the door but said nothing as the woman got in the driver's seat and began traveling down the road. 

"So....do you need to be dropped off at the local pub to make a call or do you live around here?" she asked us as she eyed the road. I saw her glance at us in her mirror. I smiled as politely as possible. 

"We don't live far...just beyond the village..." I replied. She raised her eyebrows as we shared a look at each other through her mirror. She was curious but cautious. 

"And where would your home be?" she asked me warily. I had no idea why she had taken on such an odd tone but I kept my smile as I felt Roger's growing irritation next to me. 

"We moved out here from London a little over a month ago..." I explained. "Do you know where Meadow Hall is?" I asked her carefully. She almost stopped the car but gazed at us both in her mirror with a look of dismay. She stopped the car and then turned to look at us both with distaste in her expression.

"So you're the ones who moved in!"

To be continued.....


	75. When Your Radials Squeal - Part 2

26th August 1976

Surrey England

Brian's POV

"What is that supposed to mean?" Roger replied to our rescuer's curt remark about us being the people who bought Meadow Hall. His tone spoke of his extreme displeasure at her attitude. The pain in my knee was quickly replaced by the pain of listening to the escalating class war taking place in the car. I closed my eyes and hoped for a brief car ride.

"The value of these homes is unstable enough with our economy. We don't need your kind bringing the price down any lower...." the woman responded bluntly. I was offended by her remark but just wanted to get home and get away from this. My knee was aching and so was my head now. I reached over and motioned to Roger to stop this. It is clear she is a snob and thinks little of us, despite not knowing us, but she did stop and offer a ride. I tried to focus on the sole redeeming quality she seemed to contain. Roger shoved my hand away and leaned forward in the seat. I realized this car ride was probably about to end.

"Your kind???? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Roger yelled at her. "You know....the people selling their home had no issue with us buying their property.....our money is as good as yours.....if not better.....tell me...Madam....did you earn your money with hard work or did you simply inherit it from your dear old Pah..Pah????" Roger said to her in a fake affected accent. The woman hit her brakes and we both went forward in our seats. I grabbed the edge of the front seat and sighed. She stopped and turned to look at us both.

"My home has been in my family for a hundred years....we have always taken pride in this quiet and respectful community and the caliber of our neighbors.....now every bloody actor and pop star is moving into Surrey and bringing their decadent lifestyle and coterie of riffraff with them..." she lectured us with narrowed eyes and definitely a narrow view of people in the entertainment industry. 

"Thank you for stopping....I appreciate it...." I said to the woman as I opened the car door to get out. Roger grabbed my arm and kept at her. My headache began to intensify.

"So you judged of us simply because of the business we are in? You don't even know a damn thing about me....or him....." Roger responded to the woman with conviction. "Let me tell you something...." he said as he looked her straight in the eyes and kept hold of my arm. "We moved out here to provide a quiet and safe environment for my daughter to grow up and to get peace from the riffraff that tried to invade our lives in London....the coterie that share our home are my sister, who is my daughter's nanny and also happens to be his girlfriend and my two year old daughter...." Roger informed her in a calmer voice as he pointed at me. "By the way....who are our most frequent visitors? Our parents! Who are kind middle class people who raised good children and ensured we are well educated...." Roger kept his gaze on the woman as her understanding of us shifted. Her prim expression softened a bit but her lips remained pursed. 

"Well....I know for a fact you've had a few parties....some neighbors noted a few occasions with many visitors and quite a bit of noise..." she responded in a challenging tone. I couldn't help but smile a little and Roger laughed out loud. The woman almost looked offended.

"Yes....we've had two parties since we moved in! The first was a birthday party for myself and him....our birthdays are a week apart..." Roger explained to the lady in an amused tone. "Our guests were family, our closest friends and a few people who work for us...did your nosy neighbors bother to tell you this party didn't go past 10 at night?" he asked her. She apparently wasn't aware of this fact. 

"No....they didn't mention that..." she admitted. Roger gleamed.

"As for our other gathering....it was my daughter's 2nd birthday and it took place in the afternoon..." Roger informed her. "I can assure you that we left the sex, drugs and rock and roll tucked away for the occasion..." he told her with assurance. He almost got a smile from her but she held on to her flat line of a mouth. I realized the fire was dying out between them both and felt I could say something.

"I understand the opinion you may have of the sort who move to your area and have non-stop parties and all sorts of questionable types of hangers on invading your community....that won't be us...." I said to her in a polite voice. "Roger and I were simply driving home from working a late night...." I added. "As odd as it seems....we are a family...and enjoy a quiet life at home..." I revealed to her. We looked each other in the eye and she seemed to relax a little at our assurances that we aren't going to be living like Keith Moon or one of the Rolling Stones..." 

The woman sighed and appeared to accept our explanation of why we moved out here. She slowly turned around and resumed the drive to Meadow Hall. I turned to look at Roger. He was apparently pleased to have won the battle of the classes with our mystery rescuer. 

"My name is Brian by the way....Brian May..." I offered to the woman as a peace offering. I could see a tiny smile on her lips in the mirror. 

"Portia.....Portia Ormsby-Hughes..." she replied in her crisp accent. I felt Roger tap my thigh. I turned and saw him trying his best not to roll his eyes. I know her name probably made him snicker inside. I scolded him with my eyes. I then prodded him to give his name to keep the friendly tone that had taken over the car.

'Roger....Roger Meadows Taylor..." Roger told her. I knew from his tone and the fact he provided his full name was his slight dig at her. 

"Oh!" she remarked after Roger said his full name to her. "I can see why the house appealed to you....Meadow Hall..." she stated. I found her making this connection heartening. Apparently Roger's opinion of her is still under consideration. 

"We did actually see it and like it before we noted the actual name...." I casually mentioned to keep a light conversation going. I saw we were arriving at the drive to our property and felt relief this ride was over. Portia turned down the long drive towards the house.

"It is a nice property....I hope you take good care of it.....the previous owners were just lovely..." she remarked to us as she slowly crept down our dark drive. We were silent as she pulled up behind our other car.

"Mrs. Hughes....thank you so much for the ride....you were a lifesaver tonight...." I told her with complete sincerity as I opened the car door and stepped out. 

"Thank you...." Roger added as he followed me out of the car. "We appreciate it..." he added with some warmth. 

"Well...I am glad you are both alright...good night...." she responded and began slowly backing down the drive as we stood and watched her. I sighed heavily and began the walk towards the house. My knee ached and my head was still throbbing. I took a few steps and thought about what we would arrange for the car in the light of morning. As soon as I thought of the car, I remembered Red!

"Oh my god!" I said loudly and with a slight panic. Roger stopped and looked at me in the low light of our yard. 

"What is it? Are you alright?" he asked with concern. I groaned and shook my head.

"We forget about Red....." I told him and almost felt fretful as I imagined her laying damaged in the boot of the car. Or worse, someone coming along and stealing her. I tried to remain calm but didn't want to leave my guitar out in the cold night air. I also needed to know if she was damaged in the crash. My heart rate instantly sped up and a familiar feeling of anxiety rose up in me like it had when I had ended up having a panic attack. I grabbed Roger's arm to help ground me and my body started to shake. I purposely took some slow breaths to calm myself. 

"Brian....calm down...." Roger told me as he reached towards me. I realized he was pulling my hand from my hair. I hadn't even realized I had stuck my hand in my hair. He put his arm around me and guided me to the door of the house. My impulse was to turn and go to our other car and drive frantically to go get her. I felt tears form in the corner of my eyes and my lips trembled.

"Red..." I whimpered as he got the door open. Roger made me step inside and then he got in front of me and held both of my arms in his hands. He looked me in the eye.

"Brian....I need you to do as I say...alright?" he said to me in a calm voice. I nodded as I felt the heat of my tears as they slipped down my face. He gripped my arms. "We are going to walk to our room and you are going to have you take your medications along with a valium..." he said to me in a slow careful manner. He pulled at my arms to get me to move and I complied and followed him. I felt really shaky and also felt my knee throbbing. I stumbled and limped along as we climbed the stairs to our room. 

"What about Red?" I asked him as we reached the top. He kept me moving as he spoke in a whisper. 

"One thing at a time Bri..." he told me. "Do what I asked first..." he said to me gently. I tried to focus on reaching our room. Roger guided me straight to our bathroom and flipped on the light. He sat me on the toilet as he opened the little cupboard and pulled out my medications. I fought the urge to grab my hair and leaned forward a little as I began to feel a bit nauseous. I rocked myself back and forth a bit to try and calm down. I felt a tap on my shoulder and pulled up as Roger held a glass of water out for me. I took it in my shaky hand and then had to use my other to stop it from spilling. "You need to take these...." he told me and held out his hand with my pills in it. I managed to get each one and had to swallow hard to get them down as my mouth was so dry and my throat and body felt tight. After finishing Roger took the glass from me.

"Red?" I asked him again. He smiled at me and helped me stand up. He began walking me to our bed. He made me sit down on the bed. He squatted down in front of me with a warm smile.

"I'm going to make a deal with you..." he announced to me. He took my hands in his as he looked in my eyes. "If you promise to get out of your clothes and slip into bed and try to close your eyes and just focus on breathing and staying calm, then I will go and get Red...alright?" he proposed. If I knew he was going to get her, I can do this.

"Thank you..." I told him as he leaned in and kissed me. He wiped my hair away from my eyes and then I slowly got up from the bed as Roger stood up straight and headed for the doorway. I wiped my face to clear away my tears and began to unzip my trousers as he lingered at the door.

"I love you Bri....I'll be back soon...." he said to me and slipped out of the room. I managed to get my clothes off and focused on my breathing like I promised to remain as calm as possible. I was proud of myself when I made my way to the dresser and got a drawer open and found some pajamas. I pulled them on and sat on the edge of the bed and tried to think of nice and calming things. Tiger Lily's face, Roger's laugh, Freddie's cheshire cat grin, Deacy bouncing up and down on his feet on stage. I actually felt a tiny sense of peace at these thoughts. I let out a breath as slowly as possible and then turned to pull the bedclothes back and get in bed. My body felt heavy as I moved to lay on my side and reach for Roger's pillow. I held it against my chest and breathed in the faint smell of his shampoo. My knee hurt in this position but I really didn't want to move. I bent my leg a little differently and then used my other leg to support it. It was better. I just kept trying to think about calm things and about my breathing. I could feel myself slowing down.

Roger's POV

I turned the car radio on but kept it low. The noise helped soothed my nerves. This had been such a great day until it went to shit. I drove carefully down the dark road. I have to admit I feel a bit jittery from the earlier close call with the deer. I tried not to think what might have happened it we had hit the deer and if it had been thrown into our windscreen. I hoped Brian wasn't laying in bed reliving all this and obsessing over his guitar. I took a slow deep breath myself as I focused on the road. I knew I was close to where we crashed so I slowed down and glanced over at the road side. I was almost to a crawl when I saw the edge of my car poking up from the ditch. I sighed at seeing what a mess she is. I kept my lights on and pulled up a few feet behind the car. I turned off my car as I needed the key for the boot on my key fob. I walked to the boot and looked it over. It didn't appear to be dented so I was hopeful it would open easily. I slid the key in and turned it. The resistance was more than usual so I carefully applied some force. It finally clicked open and I slid my keys in my coat pocket and the tiny light was still working so I could see inside the boot. I saw Brian's guitar case was shoved into the far corner. It looked okay at first glance. I used both hands to gently pull it towards me and looked it over before I tried to lift it. I tested the handle and it seemed fine. I tentatively took the case by the handle to lift it out. Once it was free of the boot I gently sat it down against the side of the car and closed the hood. I grabbed the case with both hands and walked back to the other car. I placed it on the back seat but wedged it gently so it wouldn't slide around on the leather. I got in the driver's seat and headed home. 

I felt tired but grateful as I pulled into our driveway. I turned the car off when I reached the house and then got out and took Red from the back seat. I kept careful hold of her and went to the door. I had left it unlocked and went inside. My impulse was to leave her where Brian always keeps her but knew the second I went upstairs he would want to see her. If he was in bed, as promised, he would get up and come downstairs. I decided the best thing to do was to see if she was damaged first and then take her with me. I walked to the kitchen and set her case on the large table as I switched on the overhead light. I said a little prayer despite not believing and carefully unlatched the case. I held my breath as I lifted the lid and looked inside.

"What are you doing?" a voice asked me out of nowhere. I literally jumped and felt my heart stop.

"Christ Clare!" I shouted as I felt my heart hammering in my chest. I turned to see her standing in the kitchen doorway wrapped in her fuzzy pink robe. Her face showed surprise at how much she had startled me.

"Sorry Rog....I just heard something as I came down to get some milk and saw you at the table...I didn't mean to give you a fright..." she said as she walked up to me. She saw the guitar case and curiosity filled her face. "Anyway...what are you doing? Why is Red in here?" she asked as she looked into the case. I looked down as well and could see at first glance she is intact. No apparent damage. I let out a sigh of relief.

"I was checking for any damage..." I told her absentmindedly as I ran my hand over the neck and then the body.

"What happened?" she asked me as she walked to the refrigerator and pulled out the milk. 

"Don't freak out but Brian and I were in a car accident tonight..." I informed her. Her eyes grew big and her mouth dropped open. She looked around and then back at me.

"Where is he? Is he okay? Is he injured? Are you okay?" she asked me in rapid succession. She set the milk down on the counter and walked up and hugged me close. I patted her arm and pulled her away and smiled at her.

"I'm fine....Brian is upstairs...I think he bumped his knee on the dash but he can walk....we are okay..." I assured her. "My car is halfway in a ditch about eight miles from here though....I had to go back in our car and get Red before Brian had a meltdown...we forgot her in the confusion after we wrecked..." I explained to her. She still looked me over and then turned to look at the guitar.

"Is his guitar damaged?" she asked me as she ran her hand over it. She finished and looked at me as I scratched my head and shrugged a bit.

"It doesn't appear so...but Brian will have to be the judge of that....I was just checking it out before I took it upstairs....I needed to know what shape she was in before he sees her. You know..." I said to her and she nodded understanding. She had an empathetic look on her face. 

"How bad was he?" she asked me gently. I smiled at her and she smiled back.

"Not too bad....I got him straight upstairs to take his pills and a valium...." I replied. "I need to go check on him..." I told her as I closed the case lid and secured it. I picked up the case and she smiled as she grabbed the milk and opened the cupboard for a glass. 

"I'm glad you are both okay....as well as Red..." she told me sincerely. "I'm sorry about your car..." she added. I would tell her the whole story tomorrow. 

"Thanks Bear.....good night..." I replied and headed to the stairs. I got to our room and found the door was still open. To my utter delight Brian had fallen asleep. He was laying on his side clutching my pillow in his arms and I could hear him breathing the way he does in a peaceful sleep. Watching him made me yawn. I carefully placed Red down flat on the floor over in the empty space by the dresser. We had a lot of room in here we haven't filled yet. I made my way to the bathroom and quickly pissed and left my clothes in a pile on the floor. I found one of Brian's t shirts on top of the laundry basket and slipped it on as I walked back to bed. I suddenly felt too tired to bother with pajamas and crawled to my side of the mattress. I wasn't going to be able to get my pillow away from Brian without waking him up so I bent myself in half to get my head resting on the pillow and his arm next to it. I was out like a light.

The next morning

When I woke up it was apparent I had been in a car accident. I felt really stiff all over. Except in the usual place. I groaned as I tried to move my body. I opened my eyes and found Brian's side of the bed was empty. I remembered what happened last night and carefully sat up in bed. I hoped he had managed to sleep through the night. I looked over and saw his guitar case was gone. I needed to pee so I slid out of bed and walked to the bathroom; trying to loosen up my muscles as I went. I used the toilet and washed up and took a huge drink of water before I went to find some clothes to put on to go downstairs. I gave up and grabbed my heavier blue robe. I wrapped it around myself as I took off down the stairs.

I heard Clare speaking and found my way to the kitchen. Tigs was standing next to her by the counter as Clare prepared some food for her. Tiger Lily was trying to reach up to get something from her. "Care...I want it." Tigs whined to her.

"In a minute Tiger....let me finish...." Clare told her in a firm but caring tone. My daughter seemed inpatient so I spoke up. 

"Is someone hungry and can't wait?" I asked her as I approached them both. Tigs immediately turned away from the counter and ran towards me. 

"Papa!" she had her arms up and came at me wanting to be held. Without thinking I bent down and grabbed her and felt the strain in my back, neck and shoulders. "Oh boy!" I groaned as I did my best to hang on to her and give her a hug and kiss. "Papa is sore baby girl.....I need to put you down..." I told her as I slowly set her back on her feet. I patted her bottom as she took off to go back to waiting for her sandwich. Clare smiled at me as she walked a plate over to Tig's high chair. Tiger Lily started climbing up into her seat as Clare got her settled and put the tray in place.

"Finish this and I will get you some fruit.." she told her as Tigs picked up a small cut square of her sandwich and shoved the corner in her mouth. I walked over to the kettle and turned it on to make myself a cup. "Are you sure you didn't get injured last night?" she asked me with concern in her face. I shook my head.

"Nah...just woke up a little stiff but it's working itself out....." I replied. "Where's Bri?" I asked her as I found a cup. Clare took a seat with her own plate of food. 

"He drove into town to arrange for the car to be towed and to run some errand.." she told me. I wasn't sure if she meant the nearby village or some part of London. "He said to tell you he already phoned the boys about missing rehearsal today since you had the accident..." she added. I nodded understanding as I made my tea. 

"Did he just go to the village or into London proper?" I asked her. She shrugged as she munched on some crisps. I guess he didn't specify. "Did he say when he would be back?" I asked next. Her mouth was full and she shook her head. "Did Brian say anything about his guitar?" Clare nodded and finished chewing. I waited for her to swallow and she took a sip of her drink.

"Yes....he had already inspected her closely and said she seemed okay...he said he would try playing when he got back and you were up..." she told me. I was relieved to hear this and relaxed as I took a seat and savored my hot drink.

\--------------------------- 

I showered and got dressed before Brian returned. I took a few pain relievers and felt better after my long hot shower. Jo called and I was telling her about what happened when Brian came in the door.

"Brian's home....I'll call you back later.." I told her and hung up and Brian and I shared a look full of questions. I met him halfway in the kitchen and we kissed and hugged.

"You doing okay today?" I asked him as we held each other. Brian had his long arms wrapped tight around me and didn't let go. 

"I'm alright....thanks to you..." he told me softly as he kept hold of me. We were alone in the kitchen as Clare had taken Tiger Lily outside to play ball. "My knee hardly hurts today..." he commented. "Rog..." he said as he pushed me away from him and looked at me. "I'm so sorry I freaked out last night....and you went back and got her for me....I love you so much..." he said with shiny eyes. I thought he was going to cry and I shook my head at him. 

"Don't apologize Brian....Red is important....she's a part of you babe....I'm just glad you remembered and she wasn't out there all night..." I tried to assure him it was all good. He did freak out but he did what I asked to help get him calmed down and let me do what I needed to do. Brian ran his fingers across my jawline softly and smiled widely at me. 

"I love how much you understand..." he replied. I nodded to him and smiled back. I do understand. 

"Did you get the car towed in?" I asked him. I wanted to change the subject before either of us got too emotional. We are both fine so it's all good. Brian slipped his hand away from my face and walked towards the refrigerator.

"I did....I called that garage you always liked and they have the car now...they are going to call with an estimate in a day or two....I also called the insurance..." he explained. "It may be bad news I'm afraid..." he informed me. "Because of the age of the car....they may consider it a total loss..." he said. I wasn't surprised. I remembered the body damage and if the wheels or any part of the steering was damaged as well, the cost would add up. 

"I wondered about that..." I replied with a heavy tone and ran my hand through my hair. "Let's see what the estimate is..." I said as I watched Brian make himself something to eat. The car was old but I do have a strong sentimental attachment to it. I was getting ready to ask him about his guitar but he beat me to it.

"Let me eat this sandwich and we'll have a closer look at Red..." he told me as he grabbed a plate and the bag of crisps.

\--Later that night--

"No....Red is fine....Brian looked her over again and played her for about an hour to make sure she held up to performing..." I told Freddie as I sat up on my side of the bed with the phone cradled in my hand and tugged the blanket up higher. It was a cold night and I felt a chill. 

"I'm glad neither of you were really hurt....my heart stopped when Brian told me what happened...and that poor little deer....goodness Rog! This could have been terrible.." Freddie sounded a little shook up as he spoke to me.

"We just have to hear about my car...but yeah....it turned out okay.." I assured him. I reached over and took a sip of the whisky I had poured myself. It tasted good and soothed my lightly aching body. I still felt a lingering effect of the crash. "We will be fine to perform our shows next week..' I added. I heard Freddie breath out.

"I will have Reid send a car round for you both since yours is out of commission..." Freddie advised me. It was kind of him to think of this. He is a thoughtful friend.

"Thanks Freddie...I would like to leave the big car for Clare....she has her license but didn't care for driving in London much....she always let me do the driving....she will drive to the village for the market and such..." I explained.

"I know exactly how she feels.." Freddie concurred with detesting city driving. I remembered the joke Brian made about getting Freddie his operating license before we crashed and smiled to myself.

"I take it an operating license isn't in your future?" I asked him. 

"Roger dear....what is the point of money if you can't spend some of it on a perfectly fine chauffeur?" Freddie remarked to me. I laughed at his reasoning.

"So are you just going to use a service for the rest of your life or actually buy your own car and hire a permanent driver?" I asked him. "Or are you going to just continue to abuse poor Ratty until he quits?" I threw at him. Freddie laughed in the phone.

"Now Roger....Ratty adores me! Why would he want to work anywhere else?" he questioned. "Besides...there are too many perks under my employ...." he pointed out.

"What perks? How are you any different from Mott or some other band?" I bluntly asked. I could sense the smile on Freddie's face through the phone.

"I think we can both agree I attract quite a few beautiful ladies while out and about..." Freddie replied with a smug tone. "Since my proclivities these days lean the other way....that leaves a nice selection of female company for Ratty.....wouldn't you say?" Freddie sounded absolutely arrogant and I couldn't help but find the truth in what he offered. I had never considered if my roadie, Crystal, was consoling my disappointed fans.

"A sound argument...we will leave it at that..." I offered back. Freddie giggled in the phone.

"I will let you go Rog....but before I hang up....I wanted to let you know that there is a gorgeous new collection of suede and leathers at that shop we both like that's off Bond Street..." I knew Freddie was hinting at a gift for his birthday. I was relieved to be honest. 

"Really?" I acted surprised and interested. "I'll have to check it out..." I confirmed to him I would make a selection from their fall line for him. "Thanks for the tip...." I added. Brian walked into the bedroom. He raised his eyebrows as he heard me thank Freddie.

"Anytime darling...see you tomorrow.." he told me as we hung up. Brian sat down on the bed next to me and leaned over.

"And what tip were you thanking him for?" Brian asked me as he kicked off his clogs and laid his head in my lap. I instantly ran my hand through his pile of soft curls. It was as soothing as my glass of whisky.

"I nice little hint of a gift idea for his birthday..." I replied as Brian peered at me from his comfortable place.

"I guess we forgot we need to find him something soon...the party is next week.." I nodded to him.

"It will be a quick visit to a clothes shop in Mayfair..." I informed him. He rolled over and brought his legs up on the bed and scooted over so he was half laying in my lap. His weight and warmth was nice.

"We are so busy again...." Brian commented to me as he closed his eyes. "Shows and a record to finish..." he remarked as he reached over with his hand and ran it up my arm. "I feel like we are hardly here for Clare...." he commented. "I hate that..." he added. I know he wishes we could be here everyday for her since she is pregnant. Besides her occasional bought of morning sickness, she really hasn't said much or complained about her symptoms. The most notable thing is liking to nap when she can. She usually takes advantage of Tiger Lily's nap to to take one herself.

"The housekeeping people start this week so that removes the cleaning from her list..." I reminded him. He nodded and smiled.

"That does make me feel better....she already does way too much for us..." he replied. "We need to arrange something permanent after our gift from Reid ends.." he told me. I was reminded we had free services for six months. It would end before Clare gives birth and then with two children and this giant house, there is no way she can keep up or should have to. The children were her main focus, not the tidying up. Brian and I both still do whatever she asks. A load of laundry or cleaning the kitchen, dusting or even running the hoover on occasion. We live here too. I laughed out loud as I tried to imagine a photo shoot of us doing housework as a promotional piece in Disc or Melody Maker magazine.

"What's so funny?" Brian asked me as he opened his eyes to watch me laugh. I calmed down and sighed.

"Wouldn't it be a sight if promotional photos of us appeared in a magazine doing housekeeping?" I poised to him. Brian grinned at my question.

"You are kind of sexy when you're washing up the dishes..." Brian replied with a saucy tone. I laughed at the imagery and Brian closed his eyes again but the smile remained. I love his warm smile. I love everything about him. Even his stubborn moments and his obsessions over somewhat silly things. I kept my hand wrapped around his curls and was grateful we both walked away from that mess last night. I was even more grateful that we had not been in the other car with my sister and Tigs in the back. I know Brian had thought it as well but we left it unsaid. "I forgot to tell you earlier that I arranged to have some flowers sent to our late night rescuer as a thank you..." Brian informed me as we laid quietly in our room. I was kind of annoyed at his actions because of the way she treated us. Despite trying to leave it on a better note than the encounter started, I still found the woman deplorable and nothing but a hyphenated snob.

"You are much nicer than me Brian..." I informed him as I pulled my hand from his hair and bopped him gently on his nose. "I know she gave us a ride, but she sure enjoyed judging us the entire way home.." I reminded him.

"I was trying to be nice...prove her wrong in her assumptions about us....I put your name on the card with mine so you're on the hook for it....sorry..." he argued back. "Just trying to smooth things over..." he added. Brian liked things smoothed over. I pursed my lips and then couldn't hold my tongue.

"I'd like to buy a Porsche simply so I can run over our Miss Portia with it...that's my idea of smoothing things over..." I knew instantly what was coming and grinned as I waited for it.

"Roger! What a terrible thing to say!"


	76. Good Old Fashioned School of Lover Boys...

3rd September 1976

Edinburgh Airport

Brian's POV

"Have you read this?" Freddie asked me as Roger and I arrived in the airport lounge. He was holding up a newspaper. I walked over and took it from him. It was folded over to the page with a review of our show.

"I take it you are happy?" I asked him and John Reid, who was sitting next to Freddie. They both smiled. I shivered at the chill that remained with me from outside. You forget it is always colder up here than in London. I had not worn the right coat for the weather.

"It is certainly one of the better reviews we've had..." Freddie remarked as I took a seat to read it through. Roger took the empty seat by Deacy. He was nice and warm in his awful fur coat. I began to read the article. It was a nice piece on us. I wanted to laugh as it was mainly about Freddie and mentioned myself and Rog and Deacy in one little paragraph towards the end. That is alright by me. Freddie and Roger are the ones who get bent out of shape the most about the reviews. I judge it based on my own feelings of our performance and the reaction of the crowd. The fans in Edinburgh seemed pleased.

Freddie and Reid were sharing some type of gossip as I tried to finish reading the article. I heard them say something about Freddie's birthday party. Before I could ask there was a flight announcement.

"That would be us gentleman..." Reid announced. I carefully folded the newspaper and handed it to Freddie before I stood up.

"I believe you might want this for your scrapbook..." I teased. Freddie gave me an amused grin and accepted the newspaper.

"You know me too well darling...." 

5th September 1976

"It's at a cabaret club?" I asked Roger as the hired car pulled up in front of the venue for Freddie's birthday party. Roger shrugged at me.

"I'm not sure...to be honest...we've had so much going on I forgot to ask him the specifics...I know Freddie planned this with Reid..." Roger informed me as he grabbed the gift-wrapped box from the seat and we both slid out to step onto the sidewalk. I checked my pocket for the invitation as Freddie advised we needed it to be allowed in for the private affair. I was happy it was a warm night for September and had skipped wearing an overcoat. I wore my favorite suit of late. It is black with white satin trim on the lapels. Roger told me to dress smart tonight. I paired it with a nice shirt and tie. I wanted to look good for the birthday boy and for Rog.

Roger looked amazing. He decided on his cream blazer with the colored birds on it. He wore a blue and white striped shirt with a pair of his tightest blue jeans. His hair is perfect. I double checked my shirt and suit as we reached the entryway. I pulled out the invitation and showed it to the doorman. He waived us inside. The music wasn't too loud but the room was dimly lit and quite a few attendees had already arrived. The club was fairly large and there was a stage, dance floor and a sizable area full of linen covered tables. It was tasteful and elegant. Velvet curtains and the staff was dressed in satin waistcoats. Roger dropped our present on a large table at the entrance piled with gifts.

"Nice place..." Roger remarked as we made our way towards the tables marked 'Reserved.' A placard on a table read - "Queen only. We mean the band!" Roger and I laughed as I set my camera down on the table. We looked around the room and saw some familiar faces but I had to admit most of the people were ones I didn't recognize. "I want a drink..." Roger informed me. I looked for a bar and then saw some waiters walking around with glasses of champagne. 

"Looks like it's full service tonight.." I remarked as the waiter approached. We each took a flute from his tray and he winked at us and walked on. There were a lot of small groups of people chatting and enjoying their drinks and appetizers. I finally spotted Freddie. He was standing at the center of a group of people I didn't know. He was talking and was quite animated as they all appeared to listen intently. Suddenly they all burst into laughter. As we approached Freddie was chuckling and I was happy to see he wasn't trying to cover his smile with his hand. He saw us and waived us over. I noticed Mary was absent from tonight's event. Maybe they were figuring things out or it was too awkward with David here.

"There are my boys!" Freddie cooed as Roger and I came up to him. I leaned in for a hug and Freddie kissed my cheek as we embraced. 

"Happy Birthday Fred..." I told him as we let go of each other. Freddie and Roger then hugged and I notice Freddie kiss his cheek as well. This is new. Maybe he is feeling extra sentimental and loving tonight. 

"Happy 30th Freddie..." Roger told him. Freddie showed mock offense at being reminded of his age.

"I can't believe my 20's are over but I guess we'll all celebrate its passing tonight...be sure and eat, drink and be merry....because I sure plan to..." he told us both. He then turned to his circle of friends. "Let me introduce my band members and dear friends...here is Brian May and this is Roger Taylor.." the men in his circle all eyed us both. I smiled and greeted them.

"Hello..." I told them all. Roger smiled as well. Freddie made more introductions.

"Boys...this is David Evans....he is David Minns' flatmate.." he informed us. "And this is Dr. Gordon Atkinson....he is my new GP..." I was delighted to hear Freddie had found a regular doctor. "And this lovely young man is Peter Straker....he is a quite talented performer.." Freddie bragged on the man standing closest to him. Not only did Peter stand out from the others with his cocoa colored skin and head of kinky curly afro hair. He also stood out as receiving the most visible affection from Freddie. When he introduced him he wrapped his arm around him and looked serene and maybe already a little tipsy. "Peter and I might have been separated at birth..." Freddie told us as Peter seemed content with the attention from his apparently new best friend.

"It's lovely to meet you all..." Roger told them all as we all shook hands and smiles. David Minns arrived and slipped in between myself and Freddie. Freddie instantly put his arm around David and leaned into him.

"There you are....how is dinner coming?" Freddie asked David. He touched Freddie's hand in a way that clearly showed the level of their relationship. 

"Everything's in order.." he told him quietly. Freddie beamed at David.

"I have to say....Freddie has regaled me with quite a few charming tales of your early days as flat mates and your band adventures.." Peter told Roger and myself. Some other people approached and Freddie got distracted with their arrival. Peter stepped away from Freddie and walked over to stand closer to Roger and I to chat.

"Well...we do go way back....known each other since 68..." Roger answered. "I bet he exaggerated a lot...." he added with a smirk. A waiter came up to us holding a tray of finger foods. I perused the choices for something meat free. I grabbed a couple of cheese poufs as I listened to the others. Peter leaned in towards us as the waiter walked away. 

"Well he did tell me about you both..." he revealed to us. I wasn't sure how happy I am about Freddie telling strangers about us. I tried to keep my expression even. Peter appears to be close to him but I had no idea how long they had been acquainted. Roger just smiled at him.

"Did he now?" Roger answered back wryly. I guess Roger was trying to gauge everything Peter knew about us. I eyed Freddie and found him deeply immersed in new guests and conversations. He was no help. 

"In case you didn't know...you're his favorite couple.." he told us sweetly. Peter's smile was lovely and he looked sincere when he said it. "Don't worry...not every one of his friends is aware..." he assured us. "Freddie only told me recently and I've known him for almost a year..." Peter revealed to us. I was surprised to hear this as I didn't recall Freddie ever mentioning him. As I looked around the group of guests in the room, I realized they were mostly male and as I observed more of them, I began to suspect that a large percentage might be gay. I wondered if he had met a lot of these people through David or John Reid. His social circle had certainly expanded and changed.

"I hope you will keep this information to yourself.." I asked Peter politely. He smiled warmly at me. 

"I understand completely....just wanted you to know you can be free to be yourselves around me....that is all.." he clarified to us. "I met Freddie right after he started seeing David...his flatmate...David Evans...was my manager at the time...after seeing each other a few times in our social circle Freddie and I hit it off one night and have grown close since then...." Peter's expression showed his affection for Freddie. 

"So I guess we will see you around from now on...." I replied to him warmly. "It is nice to know Freddie has made some new friends..." Some people came up to chat with us and I listened more than talked. Mick Rock had arrived and he and Roger chatted away as I became mostly an observer. John Reid found us shortly thereafter and we found our way back to our table to get seated for dinner and the entertainment. Deacy arrived and I was surprised to find Ronnie wasn't with him. 

"Where is Ronnie tonight?" I asked him. He sighed and looked disappointed. 

"Robert has a fever and she didn't want to leave him....it's a mild one...but you know how it is..." he remarked to us. We understood and smiled sympathetically at him. 

"Sorry...I know you both enjoy a night out when you can get one..." I told him. He smiled and nodded agreement. He grabbed a drink as a waiter came by. The call for dinner came and Freddie and David came our way. Our table had about 10 chairs and was the largest in the room. They both took a seat and along with Reid and Deacy we enjoyed the company of Peter Straker, David Evans and Mick Rock. The remaining seat was empty since Ronnie didn't make it. The waiters came out with the food and we were served the first of several courses. It was like fine dining. Roger was thrilled with the food and I had to admit I enjoyed the prawn cocktail we had first. My mood lightened up as we all relaxed with more drink and good food. The waiter's took our plates and then delivered another course. It was a lovely courgette and pasta soup. I was thrilled as it was meat free. After the soup, Roger and the others were delivered lobster and some side dishes. A waiter carried over a selection of roasted vegetables and a small fruit platter for me.

"Awww...Fred...thanks.." I told him. Freddie beamed at me as he worked to open his lobster up. Roger was getting his butter for his own dish as I took a bite of the lovely asparagus. Roger stole a strawberry from my fruit plate when he finished his meal. There was friendly chatter as we enjoyed our food and as we finished the entree Peter excused himself from the table. Our plates were cleared and some light sweets were served along with coffee, brandy or whisky. The room darkened a bit and the stage had a spotlight erupt onto a piano. Peter came out dressed in different clothes and stood next to the piano as a man I didn't know took a seat to play. 

"I asked Peter for a few numbers while our food settles.." Freddie remarked to the table. The man began playing a few notes and I recognized the song from a musical. Peter has a lovely voice but it was certainly not as stellar as Freddie's. He was quite suited for a cabaret setting. He had a nice stage presence though and it was a enjoyable way to enjoy a glass of whisky and pick at my fruit plate. By the time Peter finished I felt a touch tipsy. Roger had several whiskies and was feeling pretty good. 

"Can we all sing a happy birthday to our lovely Freddie?" Peter asked the crowd. The piano player began the chords and we all joined in to sing for him as Peter led us from the stage. Freddie blushed but adored the attention. A large cake was wheeled out from the back and it was lit up with 30 candles. Freddie jumped up to take a closer look. I grabbed my camera and took some shots of him along with our table and other guests. Peter wrapped up his performance to applause from the attendees. Music began playing from a deejay. The dance floor was lit up and guests began milling about and some began dancing.

"Will I be able to manage a dance from you tonight?" Roger asked me. While this is a private party I was surprised he wanted to dance when quite a few people here aren't aware of us. I shook my head.

"C'mon Rog..." I replied. He rolled his eyes at and stood up.

"I want to dance though...come on Deaks..." he proffered to Deacy who stood up and followed him to the dance floor.

"See ya Bri!" Deaks exclaimed to me as he took off. I turned to watch them as they joined some others. I stood up from the table and went to find a waiter for another drink. 

\-- 30 minutes later --

I chatted with some people casually as we observed the dancing. Freddie had joined the others on the floor and he and David openly danced and enjoyed each other. It is Freddie's party after all and I'm sure those he chose to invite know about David. I shared a drink with Caroline Boucher, our press agent, before she left for the night. I enjoyed and envied my band mates ease with moving on the dance floor. Roger and Deacy had no problem dancing together but were soon joined by a few of the ladies present at the party. I felt a twinge of jealousy as a pretty young thing got cozy with Roger. I finished off my drink as I watched her try to get handsy with my husband. I could tell Roger was enjoying it but was trying to keep the touching to a minimum. Her hand kept slipping to his ass as she tried to keep any distance between them obsolete. Luckily the song ended and he was able to fend her off. A dance club number started up and Roger looked to find Deaky. He was still dancing with his girl. She was behaving. Roger looked over at me and shrugged. I assumed he was heading back when a young man stepped in his path and spoke to him. Roger smiled at him and nodded. He and the good looking guy went back on the floor and began dancing.

"Do you know that man dancing with Roger?" I heard someone ask me. I turned to find an older man who was dressed pretty formally standing next to me. I shook my head.

"Nope.." I told him. I realized I had slurred my word a bit. I think I might be drunk. The man leaned in close.

"He is a total cad....is your friend gay?" he bluntly asked me. I had no idea what to say and half shrugged and looked unsure. The man smiled at me.

"Well....Devon is a prowler...your friend might watch himself.." the man remarked as he turned to watch them both dance. My face was burning with jealousy and I wasn't sure what to do. I was also concerned about the man's warning. 

"Excuse me.." I finally mumbled and began walking to the dance floor. I made my way there and set my drink down on a nearby table as I stepped on the floor. I began walking to Roger but he stopped dancing with the man and walked the other direction from the floor. He had walked about 10 steps when Devon began following him. For some reason, his action worried me so I followed behind. I saw Roger head into the toilets. Devon soon followed after him. I reached the door and went to open it and found it had been locked. I heard some shouting and felt panicked as I tried to get the door open. The door suddenly swung open and Roger ran right into me as he bolted out of the room.

"Keep your fucking hands to yourself prick!" Roger barked at Devon as he moved away from me with a scowl on his face. He was clenching and loosening his right hand in front of him. I looked in to see Devon holding his jaw and appearing shocked. I guess Roger decked him! I turned to chase after Roger.

\-------------------------------

Roger's POV

"Fucking wanker!" I shouted after as I looked for the waiter. I found one as Brian came up beside me. He put his hand on my arm.

"Are you alright?" he asked me with concern in his voice. I flagged the waiter.

"Whisky please..." I told him. "Want another?" I asked Brian as he pressed his hand into my arm. He nodded to the waiter and the man left. I turned to Brian.

"That fucker followed me to the toilets and tried to get in the stall with me...I told him no thanks but he kept at it...tried to grope me...I had to punch him to get him to stop.." I explained to him in disgust. Brian looked alarmed and then angry. He slipped his hand off my arm and turned to go back to the toilets. I grabbed his arm. "Bri! Let it go...." I told him. He exchanged a challenging look with me but I closed my eyes to ward him off and shook my head. "Leave it.." I told him firmly. He finally relaxed a bit. I really want a cigarette and found them in my pocket. I got one lit as the waiter returned with our drinks. I downed it to calm myself down and enjoyed the warmth and the edge. Brian sipped his but I could tell from his glassy eyes he had already had quite a few. His mouth was a bit slack as well. I grabbed Brian's hand and began walking to the dance floor.

"What are you doing Rog?" Brian asked me in a slurred voice. Okay! He is definitely drunk. He stumbled behind me as I brought him on the floor.

"You're drunk and I almost got jumped by some sod....so give me a dance...just one..." I asked him nicely. Brian had a goofy grin on his face. He looked around at the crowd of men dancing nearby and shrugged and then began doing the oddest moves to the fast paced song. I almost laughed but reminded myself I asked for it. I went with it and enjoyed an awkward dance with my husband. Brian finally got loosened up and seemed to be watching a man nearby who was doing some type of shuffle. Brian tried to emulate him and wasn't faring too badly. He always does better when he is shit-faced. His inferiority complex about his dancing falls away. Once Brian got the hang of the dance he got closer to me. I avoided my desire to grab him and hold him close and just danced in place.

I was floored when Brian moved closer and put his hands around my waist. He actually caught the groove of the song and swayed us both. I couldn't believe it but Brian was really dancing. I smiled widely at him and savored the feel of the whisky in my system and his wonderful hands spanning my hips. My head swirled a bit with the movement. The song ended and I was sad to see my moment end. We stood and looked at each other sweetly. A new song started and to my utter delight Brian began dancing again and kept hold of me. It was that fantastic number by the British soul act - Hot Chocolate. We both smiled as we had met the band on tour once.

'I believe in miracles....where you from? You sexy thing?'

Brian stayed and danced through the whole number with me. He kept his groove and actually pressed himself against me by the end of the song. Yes. He is totally wasted. And he is mine. The song was ending and Freddie and Peter strode over towards us. Freddie looked amazed at Brian.

"How did you get him out here and where did he get those moves?" Freddie asked me as he leaned in to his friend. Another song started and we all began dancing together. I didn't know the number but it seemed like Freddie did. 

"I believe he learned his moves from a bottle of whisky..." I told Freddie. He burst out laughing and bumped his hip with mine. I began to move with him and Peter shouted praise as Freddie and I did our thing. Brian seemed awkward without me but closed his eyes and bopped to the number. It was a short number and when it finished a slower song began. Freddie looked over at Brian and then at me.

"I will leave you to your slow dance blondie...." Freddie told me with a wink as Brian smiled and got closer to take my hand and my waist. I smiled at Freddie.

"Happy Birthday.." I replied to Freddie as Brian pressed me close. We shared a tender expression between us as he moved me gently to the song.

"Thanks for dancing with me.." I told Brian. He smiled warmly at me.

"Anytime...." he replied like it was something he always did. We both laughed. He held me gently and I savored every moment of the song. It ended too soon. Freddie came back over as another number started up. He had Deacy with him this time. I didn't recognize the song so I leaned close to Freddie. Brian did as well.

"What song is this?" I asked him. He smiled widely and leaned in to us both. 

"It's the new release from Abba....and you'll never believe the title....it's 'Dancing Queen'..." he informed me with a giggle. I smiled at him as the song got going. He turned to begin dancing and the pace of the song was slower but it was a fun song. "We are Queen and we shall dance..." Freddie ordered. Brian laughed at him and began moving as instructed. Some people formed a circle around us and cheered us on. There we were. All four of us. The dancing Queens.

You are the dancing queen  
Young and sweet  
Only seventeen  
Dancing queen  
Feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah  
You can dance  
You can jive  
Having the time of your life  
Ooh, see that girl  
Watch that scene  
Digging the dancing queen

\---------------------------

10 September 1976

"Has the rain stopped?" I asked Ratty as he came back to our dressing area. He shook his head.

"It's more like a drizzle really...not too bad at the moment.." he remarked as he wiped his hands on his jeans. His hair was damp and his face was dark pink. I kept my robe on over my stage clothes as we waited for the call to go out. Brian was leaning against the wall as he spoke to Deacy. Freddie was checking his hair in the mirror. I figured if the drizzle kept up there wasn't much point in worrying about my hair. I grabbed my glass of whisky and drank the remaining liquid. I thought about another as I pondered what the temperature might be like outside. The room door opened and Reid poked his head in.

"Ready?" he asked us all. I nodded and set my glass down as Deacy and Brian moved to line up to leave the room. I decided to keep my robe until right before we went on. Brian took the lead as usual and I came up behind him. I pinched his bottom as we began walking out the door. He turned and grinned at me as we headed for the stage area. I felt a change in the air as we neared the stage. The air was wet and cold and I shivered at the thought. The faster I got behind my kit and got moving the better. Freddie was walking behind me and was shaking out his arms and legs to keep warm and remain loose. Brian got handed his guitar and smiled at me as he went to his side of the stage. Crystal was waiting for me and took my robe as I was helped to my kit in the low lighting. I got seated as our introduction music played. It was the music for the opening and closing of our new album. Brian had created it. It was a perfect way to open our show. It felt exciting and built momentum. 

The clip from the Bohemian Rhapsody video began playing and displaying above us. I got my sticks and twirled them in my hands at the ready. I could hear the crowd but couldn't see much without any light. When we broke into our live portion of the song the lights came up and I could see not only the crowd but the immediate increase in the volume of rain. It was like the drizzle was waiting for us to appear and it became a downpour. Most of the crowd seemed to be wearing some type of rain gear. It was mainly polythene raincoats. Cheap plastic slickers over their probably wet clothes. The wind wasn't too bad or the temperature might prove intolerable. This is not the warm temperatures still trying to linger in London. This is autumn damp and cold.

I purposely played hard to keep my muscles warm. My hands felt a touch of the cold air but I just tried to focus on hanging on to my sticks. Freddie had started off in his new white boiler suit. I was certain he would have kept it on with the deteriorating weather. No. Ever the professional, he slipped it off during the final moments of 'Ogre Battle.' Brian only had on his white satin trousers and his bolero jacketed top tonight. I imagined he was freezing. Deacy sported his new white coveralls and a short sleeve shirt. He was definitely trying to keep moving as he played. We were all feeling the cold. The crowd and us both. Brian found the odd moment to make his way close to my drums and I could see the chill in his face. His lips were a touch pale and his cheeks were red. He was more exposed at the front of the stage. He certainly was moving around a lot tonight. Trying to get warm.

We got through the show and headed off before the encore. We all stood cloistered together for a moment. Enjoying the small amount of heat emanating from the inside of the venue. We were given towels to dry off a bit.

"We're sticking with the encore..." Freddie announced. There was no point in arguing. Despite the desire to call it a night the fans had stuck out this torrential rain with us. They kept up their enthusiasm and we owed them our all. I wiped my face and kept the towel for my hands as we headed back to our places. Brian began the opening chords of 'Now I'm Here' and we took off into our encore set. The crowd ate it up and we fed off them to help finish the show. As we played the final notes of 'Jailhouse Rock' I was relieved. As much as I love performing, I was ready for a hot shower and a warm bed. I stepped down from my drums and walked up to take a bow with the boys. We made quick work of the goodbye and rushed off desperate for our robes. Crystal got mine wrapped around me and we wall hustled to the backstage area for a hot drink and a change into some dry clothes. None of us were interested in the niceties of the after concert experience. We got fresh clothes and quickly found the path to our waiting cars.

It was a quiet drive to the hotel as we all were happily pressed together in the limousine. We were slowly thawing out and enjoyed a glass of whisky each as we arrived at our lodgings. Reid had booked a few suites together on the same floor. Roger and I were in one suite and we said goodnight to the others as we made our way to our door.

"I'm all about a hot shower..." I told Brian as he got our door opened. I peeled my coat off and hung it up to dry on a hangar. I quickly walked to the bathroom and turned on the water to warm up. "You joining me?" I asked him. He nodded as he got his own coat placed over the back of a chair. He shivered a bit as he joined me in the bathroom. I peeled my clothes off and piled them in a corner. Too miserable to care. Brian followed me in the shower and closed the glass door. The hot water was like heaven on my numb skin. "Fuck this feels good.." I commented as I let it cover my entire body. Brian pushed me away for a moment to get a turn and I avoided getting my hair wet as I warmed up. We cleaned up a bit and then got out of the shower and dried off. I walked in my towel to grab some pajama pants and saw Brian's jumper from earlier today. I put it on over a t shirt and slipped into bed as he took his medication.

"Wear some socks Rog.." Brian called to me from the bathroom as I got comfortable in the bed. I was already tucked in and didn't want to leave the beginnings of a warm bed sheet and comforter. I ignored his request and snuggled into my pillow. Brian came in and got dressed for bed. I watched him put his socks on and he climbed in next to me. He leaned over to kiss me and his mouth was nice and warm. I gladly accepted the kiss and pulled him close to me under the covers. Some body heat would work nicely as well. Brian slid over and laid against me as we kissed a little deeper. I was beginning to feel like I was interested in more and slid my foot up his leg to send a message. "Fuck...you feet are like ice!" Brian snapped at me. He kicked my foot away and frowned at me. "I told you to get some socks..." he growled. Brian turned away from me and kicked the covers off as he launched off the bed and walked to my suitcase. He opened the lid and reached in to my zippered compartment and came back to the bed holding a pair of my socks.

"I don't want to pull my feet out...they'll get cold..." I whined to him. Brian's frown took on irritation. He sighed heavily at me.

"They are already cold...trust me....put the socks on or I'm not warming you up..." he declared as he tossed the socks at me. I considered standing my ground. Brian got inpatient and began walking towards the door. "Fine...I'll just sleep with Deacy..." he informed me. I scoffed at him and grabbed the socks.

"Alright!" I barked as I slid the socks below the sheet and worked to get my socks on without my feet coming out of their blanketed womb. Brian stood and watched me. When I finished he walked over and got back in bed. I pulled him towards me and kissed him. "You happy now?" I asked him as I wrapped my arms around him and we warmed each other up. He just gave me his quirky little grin and kissed my nose.

"I don't understand why having you put on socks makes you behave like a toddler..." Brian murmured to me as we got settled in next to each other and he got me turned around so he could spoon me under the blanket. I ignored his statement and closed my eyes. I wasn't going to admit my feet are warmer. Maybe it is the socks or maybe it is being held close to him. Either way, I win!


	77. Welcome To Our Picnic By The Serpentine...

15th September 1976

Surrey/London

Brian's POV

"Lunch.. Brimi!" Tiger Lily called to me. I nodded understanding.

"We just need to get my outfit and we will get something to eat..." I assured her. I opened the door to Zandra's studio as I held her on my hip and her baby bag on my other arm. We went inside and I walked up to her assistant at the front area. "Hi Tara!' I said as she approached us.

"Is this Tiger Lily?" she asked me. I smiled proudly and nodded.

"Yes!" I told her as I felt the baby tug on my hair. I turned to see her looking wide eyed at all the colorful fabrics and garments on display in Zandra's studio.

"She's lovely..." Tara replied with a smile. "Where's you other half?" she asked me. Zandra and her staff don't know about Roger and I, so they believe I am with Clare.

"Clare and Roger both had hair appointments today in the city...we all drove in together and I have her while they are at the salon. It was the truth and I didn't really answer which one was my other half.

"Pretty!" Tiger Lily declared as she tried to lean over from me to touch a bolt of yellow satin material laying on the counter. I shifted her to keep her from reaching it. Tara laughed.

"We can look...but we need to ask before we touch..." I told her. Tara motioned for me to follow and we walked to the fitting room. There weren't any clothes in here so I felt okay setting Tiger Lily down on the giant ottoman in the middle of the room. She immediately tried to climb off. 

"I'll get Zandra.." Tara told me as she slipped out of the room. I let Tiger Lily run around the ottoman in a circle as she ran her hand over the brocade fabric that covered it. The door opened quickly and Zandra came in with Tara, who was holding my new clothes on a hanger. My tunic looked so beautiful. I beamed at Zandra.

"Who is this captivating girl?" Zandra asked me as she looked at Tigs. I grabbed my daughter to still her. I gestured to get Tigs' attention and pointed at Zandra.

"Tiger Lily...meet Zandra and Tara..." I said to her. "Can you say hello?" I asked her. She looked at me and then up at the ladies. She smiled and waived at them.

"Hi..." she told them in a soft voice. They both looked at her with adoring expressions. Zandra turned to me as she hung the hanger on the hook outside the dressing room door.

"You were right...she looks so much like Roger...such a little beauty.." she remarked. Zandra returned her attention to our business at hand. "I want you to try this on one more time to make sure the alterations were right..." I bent down towards Tigs.

"I'll be just a few minutes...I am going to try on my new clothes...I need you to stay here and look at your book.." I told her gently but firmly. I pulled her favorite tiny book from the bag and she took it from me.

"I'll keep an eye on her.." Tara told me. I nodded thanks and pulled off my jacket and then my shirt. I slipped into the trousers in the dressing room and stepped out. Zandra pulled the tunic off the hanger and helped me get it on. It felt like a perfect fit as I pulled it down my torso. Zandra helped me straighten it out.

"It looks wonderful....can you lift your arms so I can see the flow of the sleeves?" Zandra asked me. I smiled and lifted my arms like I would when playing guitar. The sleeve length seemed right and the weight held them in place as I moved around. I noticed Tiger Lily was watching me and she giggled. I felt like a graceful bird with massive wings.

"Brimi....pretty..." she told me. I walked over to her and she reached up to touch the satin hem. I let her do it but watched her closely. 

"You like my new tunic poppet?" I asked her. She smiled at me and ran her tiny hand over the soft material of my cream colored top. The design on it, made it with the colorful arrows going in different directions, is fun and quite different. It might be my favorite piece Zandra has made for me.

"Pretty...." Tiger Lily told me. I felt pretty in it.

18th September 1976

"Are we there yet?" Freddie whined to the laundry van driver. The day had not started out this way but I guess things change. When we were preparing to leave the house earlier today to head to Reid's office to be transported later to the show; we were informed that the park was already overflowing with attendees and the police were concerned about our arrival. A last minute phone call was received by us right before we walked out the door.

"Get a move on....change of plans....the police want to take you on to the park grounds in a laundry van..." Gerry Stickell informed us as Roger was slipping on his jacket and shoes. I hung up the phone and we rushed out with barely a kiss for the baby and a goodbye to Clare. We soon found ourselves in the back of a stuffy van seated on narrow benches as we were driven down Bayswater Road. Ratty and Crystal were riding with us in the back and Gerry Stickell was up front with a policeman driver. 

"Keep your knickers on.." Ratty told Freddie sharply as we held on to the side of the bench to keep from sliding off. Roger and Deacy were laughing.

"It's like the bloody Beatles...isn't it?" Deacy chirped to us as he giggled about our unusual journey to the show. I had to admit there is a level of excitement to it. Who knew we would attract so many people? We could already hear the crowd as one of the opening acts played. I believe Supercharge were playing right now. 

"Don't get ahead of yourself..." Freddie chimed in. "We haven't performed yet..." he told us. "Just make sure we are that fucking good...alright?" he told us in a serious tone. I was surprised to see Freddie's nerves on display. Our last few shows have been pretty good considering we have been off the road and stage for months. Our rehearsals were tight so we are ready. Of course, I know right before we go on stage I'll probably get a case of the nerves myself so I gave him some room to fret.

"We've got this Fred.....we will give it our all and show our worth..." I assured him. He seemed slightly satisfied and looked away towards the front of the van as we turned onto a different road. The van slowed down and we crawled for about a half mile. As we came to a stop we all smiled. We heard the front doors of the van open and then the back doors were pulled wide. We forgot how bright the sun was today as it poured into the back. I shielded my eyes as we slid off the benches and vacated our transport. The crowd was quite noisy and there were a lot of people milling about on the backstage grounds. We were waived at by Gerry and then followed him.

Roger and I walked side by side as we made our way around to the actual backstage area. I had never seen so many policeman at one of our shows before. We could see some of the crowd and they were luckily focused on the stage. As far as you could see there were bodies. It reminded me of a show Roger and I saw here with the Rolling Stones in 1969. It was a mass of people then as well. We were two of them. That swell of London humanity. I smiled as I recalled the memory.

"Remember the Stones in 69?" I asked Roger as we reached the quieter backstage area. He smiled and nodded to me.

"I do...yeah....definitely more people than today..." he recollected. "I remember it was right after Brian Jones died..." he added. He was right. Jones had passed a few days before the show. He had already been expelled from the band at that point.

"Just like Jimi...another one who died before his time..." Freddie remarked as he overheard our reminiscing. We all knew today was the anniversary of Jimi's passing all those years back. It has been discussed and commented about many times since the show was booked for this specific date. We had all talked about this show being in his memory. 

"Another glorious moment from the memory banks...." Roger said with a hint of sarcasm and sadness. We all missed Jimi and still pondered what he would have done for music had he lived. He was so far ahead of the curve. We were all quiet for a moment and then let ourselves get sucked back in to our day. Our moment to make a lasting memory of our own on London. 

We spent some time relaxing and hanging out for a bit in the secured area. There were several VIP's here today from the entertainment business. We had the privilege of meeting the bassist for Pink Floyd, Roger Waters. We chatted for a while about music and recording. Reid appeared with Richard Branson in tow and a formal introduction took place between us all. He had a small entourage of people with him. He seemed nice enough and was excited about the turnout. We met several of his staff members as well. A young attractive dark haired woman kept eyeing Roger the whole time we talked. She had been introduced as Dominique. They stood and chatted as Branson fawned over Freddie and he, along with Reid, discussed our current album. Branson did ask us about our experience at The Mansion studios. His company owns it. We had favorable reviews for him. Reid excused himself to see to his other act on the bill tonight, Kiki Dee. While she had a number one song this year in a duet with Elton John, he was not available to perform with her tonight. The rumor mill was rampant with speculation he would show but Reid assured us it wasn't happening. Freddie seemed a bit relieved. He didn't want anyone upstaging us tonight. 

We soon made our way to the dressing rooms and started to prepare. I finished with my hair and makeup and unzipped my garment bag. I pulled out my stage costume and Roger watched as I got dressed. We were all wearing mostly white tonight. This would help the crowd see us better. At Freddie's request, Roger also wore the appropriate clothes to come stand out front to sing with us. His top was a beautiful short white kimono imprinted with Japanese imagery and birds. His trousers were white and quite tight. Of course, his gorgeous legs and bottom filled them out quite nicely. I finished with my clothes and Roger walked around me to make sure the tunic laid properly. I fanned my arms out to show him and he stood and gazed at me.

"You look absolutely gorgeous..." he told me quietly. "A rock and roll angel with satin wings..." I smiled at him and almost blushed. There were some people about who weren't part of our inner circle. I wanted to kiss him for saying this to me but it wasn't possible right now. We shared a knowing smile as Roger slipped on his shoes. I couldn't wear my white clogs as they aren't entirely practical for what I do when performing. Plus, Freddie would have my head if I slipped out of my shoe on stage. I had found some ordinary white loafers. Deacy quickly donned his coveralls and his requisite undershirt. Freddie was having his hair worked on as we all stood around and waited for the sun to set enough to do our show. We had brought all the lights and spectacle with us and wanted to give everyone what our normal concert offers. It just had to be dark outside to appreciate the effect. Reid came and went as Kiki was on stage before us. Freddie was moody due to nerves and snapped at David and a few others more than once as he prepared for tonight. I know we all feel the weight of giving London a show they will never forget. More than once we have all observed a belief that we aren't totally in favor in this country despite our huge number one single and album. This was our chance to prove ourselves once and for all. British music press be damned! I realized we were getting close to showtime so I made a quick visit to the loo and downed a drink of beer. Roger followed suit but enjoyed his glass of whisky. Soon enough we were called.

We could hear the chants of 'We want Queen' as we arrived at the side stage. Reid was beside himself with glee at the response to this event. Another feather in his cap. Our last outdoor show had proven to be a chilly wet endeavor but the air was pleasant for a September evening and not a rain cloud was on the horizon. It couldn't be better. 

"Ladies and Gentleman...this is Queen.." we heard our compere - Bob Harris announce. Our introduction music started as Roger went to get seated behind his kit. He ran his hand across mine as he passed by. It felt reassuring since my own nerves had kicked in. The butterflies were rampant in my stomach as we took our places in the dark and waited to come in on 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' I eyed Freddie as best as possible in the low light. He was completely within himself so I knew he was ready. We can do this! I swallowed my anxiety as best I could and got on with it. 

We finished 'Rhapsody' and went straight into 'Ogre Battle.' Freddie was already on fire with energy and excitement. I felt like I needed to match some of his energy and worked the stage. The cool night air was refreshing and being outside on a beautiful night added to my experience. As I scanned over the audience I saw people are far as I could look. A massive sea of faces. As I played my final heavy guitar licks of the song, Freddie discarded his over sized boiler suit to reveal his all white leotard and ballet slippers to the crowd. Half the audience was on their feet and the other half were seated. There were cheers and catcalls as Freddie pranced about the stage like a mischievous feline. When we finished Freddie greeted our audience.

"Thank you very much...good evening everybody.." he said to them with sincerity. "Welcome to our picnic by the serpentine..." he added with utter eloquence. The crowd ate it up. We began our next number, 'Sweet Lady.' Everything feels and sounds good. I shared the occasional glance with Roger and Deacy and we all seemed enthused. I kept an eye on the crowd I could see as I played. There was a lot physical activity and shouting going on. I tried to remain focused on my instrument and singing as I observed them. We got through a few more numbers. Freddie finished 'Flick Of The Wrist' and walked towards his piano. He was called over for a moment and whispered to by a policemen that had lingered at the side of the stage. Freddie looked annoyed as he took his seat. He directed his focus to the screaming crowd.

"Now...now then my darlings...listen!" he commanded their attention. "I have been requested by the constabulary for you to not throw things around...tin cans or whatever...so make this a peaceful event...okay?" he requested of them all. I was shocked to hear they were throwing these type of things. There was someone shouting back and Freddie pursed his lips. "Sit on your asses and listen..." he told them firmly but nicely. We moved on with our performance and got through a few more numbers, including my solo piece on 'Brighton Rock.' It was time for our new acoustic set. Big Rich handed me my acoustic guitar as I got settled on my new stool. Crystal had carried Roger's special bass drum out to the front of the stage and got it settled. Roger stepped down from his kit to join us at the front of the stage. I loved this part of our show and having him come up where the crowd can see him. He has so many fans and they sometimes only get a good look at him when he comes down for the final bow. Freddie and Deacy took their places. I had tried to come up with something clever to say for the occasion.

"Thank you very much.." I said a little nervously. "From one piece of nonsense to another...I've said it before...we were going to do this with the London Philharmonic but they didn't turn up...so we will do the ethnic version of it....a song called '39!' " I announced. I raised my eyebrows as I finished and signaled to the others as I began strumming my guitar. We played loose and fun with the song and Freddie handled the main vocal. Roger stood at his bass drum and kept time with his foot as he worked a tambourine with his hands. When we reached the chorus, Freddie walked over and Roger leaned in to share his microphone. 

I couldn't help but smile at our sharing of my beloved song with the crowd and all of us enjoying the moment. Roger provided his over the top falsetto vocal harmonies. He managed to hit the highest note and looked a little smug when he finished. I still can't believe he can hit these notes. We finished the song to a large reaction from the crowd. Roger, Deacy and I disbursed as Freddie sat at his piano and performed his short solo venture on 'Take My Breath Away.' " I was on the opposite end of the stage from the others so I stood and watched as Freddie did a note perfect rendition. His voice just seems to get better with age. Incredible! Big Rich handed me a beer so I took a few drinks. We soon returned to the stage to do the remainder of our main set. After finishing Liar, we prepared to play our last number. I introduced it. 

"Thank you...thank you for making this a great day and a great evening for us...I hope you come again...we are going to finish in the manner in which we are accustom...this is 'In The Lap of The Gods'.." I announced and left my microphone to stand towards the back as Freddie began his piano introduction. The crowd sang along as we played out. When we finished, we headed backstage as always and stood together.

"I think London likes us now.." Roger remarked as he took a big drink of water from Crystal. Deacy nodded happy agreement as Freddie was checking himself in a hand mirror as we prepared to go on for our encore. Reid walked up to us with a tense expression. He got everyone's attention.

"Your encore has been canceled..." he informed us knowing how we would take the news. Freddie stared daggers at him.

"What do you mean?" he shot back. A policeman came up behind Reid and looked right at Freddie.

"Mr. Mercury....gents.." he said to us but kept his eye on Freddie. "There is a curfew here and we have already gone 30 minutes over tonight since you insisted on not beginning until after sundown..." he explained. "We've already received noise complaints from nearby residents so you cannot go on..." I was disappointed and we all expressed this in our faces. 

"Well...what's 10 more minutes if we make it quick?" I asked the constable. He shook his head and pointed at the watch. Roger rolled his eyes as he stood out of the policeman's line of sight.

"Your past the curfew...no!" he barked back. I wasn't going to get in a row with the officer so I let it go. Apparently Freddie wasn't going to.

"Officer...you don't seem to understand..." he responded with a hint of arrogance I found a bit dangerous. The policeman instantly furrowed his brow. "We are artists and our audience is expecting us to come back on....if we don't return...you might have problems with the crowd.." he explained to him. The policeman appeared to lose his patience.

"Let me make this simple for you...if you go on, I will arrest you! Does that make things clear?" he barked at Freddie. I wasn't interested in spending a night in jail. I could Roger and Deacy felt the same despite the letdown of ending the show early. Freddie seemed to want to continue pushing the matter. Ratty came over with his robe but Freddie pushed him away.

"Freddie...come on..." Roger argued at him to stop this stand off.

"We are finishing the show!" he challenged the policemen again. I felt I needed to say something and leaned towards Freddie. Reid happened to as well and spoke before I did.

"Freddie...do you really think going to jail in a leotard is smart move?" Reid was blunt with him. It was clear he would be arrested and Freddie seemed to mull over the image of himself locked in a cell with god knows who while wearing his body stocking. It seemed to register and Freddie drew a resigned face.

"I can't believe all these people came to see us and we don't even get to go out and properly thank them and big them goodnight!" Freddie scoffed with total disdain as he motioned for Ratty to cover him up and he began stomping off towards our dressing room. 

"Thank you officer..." Reid informed the policeman. He nodded understanding and tipped his cap to us all.

"I am sorry...it's the law gents.." he informed us and walked away. We all let out a sigh of disappointment as we heard Freddie slam the dressing room door. 

"There has to be some way to thank them all..." Deacy proposed as we all began to get on our robes and head back to change clothes. Reid patted Deacy's arm.

"We will come up with something.." he assured him as we disappeared into the private room.

\----------------------------

Roger pulled out his cigarettes as I finished buttoning my shirt. Deacy was sitting and drinking a beer and Freddie was still arguing with Reid over the police decision about the show. It was a letdown to be sure but out of our hands. Reid had assured us again we would make some type of gesture of gratitude to the fans. We heard the shouts for us to take the stage again and the ensuing moans and boos when the show was called off. Poor Bob Harris was tasked with stepping on the stage and breaking the news to the overwhelming crowd. They were told we had left but we were ensconced in our dressing room for now. The private room door opened and Richard Branson came in with a few people. He came over to congratulate us and was wearing his massive grin.

"Brilliant show! What a night!" he said to us as he shook our hands. I noticed his assistant Dominique go over to talk to Roger as he smoked. He offered her a cigarette and she accepted one. He lit it for her and they seemed awfully cozy as they chatted. I didn't like watching it.

"Thanks Richard....it was a great show despite the short ending..." I acknowledged. He went over to thank the others as I got my shoes on. Freddie had not changed clothes and still donned his robe. I was ready to head out but apparently none of the others were. I casually made my way over to Deacy as I kept an eye on Roger and his new acquaintance. The dark haired beauty liked to stand so close to Roger as they talked. I huffed inside at the sight of it. 

"Are you ready to go?" Deacy asked me as I leaned against the wall next to his chair. I nodded to him.

"Yes..." I replied and sighed. "I would say the other two seem not to be in any hurry..." I remarked to him. He glanced over at Freddie then Roger and then looked at me as he gestured with his eyes back to Roger.

"She seems like she's interested...wouldn't you say?" he commented to me quietly. I looked at the two again and sighed a little.

"I would agree..." I replied in a voice filled with concern.

"Want me to interrupt them?" Deacy offered. It was a nice gesture but I felt I needed to have faith in Roger to handle this. We had worked on rebuilding trust. I needed to show my trust in him. I just had no trust in her.

"Thanks...but I think Roger can handle it.." I assured him. He smiled with understanding and pulled another beer from the beverage cart on the other side of him.

"Want one?" he asked me. I nodded and accepted the beer as we sat and waited on the flirt and the fussy one.

\--Two hours later --

"So Dom said that Richard drives one and really likes it..." Roger told me as we drove home to Surrey. "We have to get another car....this sharing is becoming problematic.." he argued. I was annoyed that he was so enchanted with Dominique's opinion on anything and more annoyed that he was calling her by a nickname. 

"And does Dom have time to car shop and arrange for delivery and payment?" I snapped at him. I am tired but mostly put off by how long the two chatted each other up after the show. I had also had several beers and felt a little surly. Roger wasn't pleased with my comeback to his remarks.

"Really Bri?" he said to me with annoyance and rolled his eyes at me. "You are going to be jealous?" he asked me like it was almost a dare. I am jealous. And I'm irritated enough to let him know it.

"As a matter of fact...I am!" I confirmed to him as he drove us home. Roger smirked at me as he drove the low lit roads towards our house. He avoided turning to look at me. His eyes were locked on the dark corridor in front of us. Ever aware of keeping an eye out for deer at night.

"Well it is a waste of time..." he assured me as he shifted gears. "I just find her interesting...she's French..." he explained to me. I raised my eyebrows at the information.

"Oh! Is she now?" I asked him with a hint of sarcasm. He laughed at me as he eyed the road.

"Yes....and she just has some different observations on things... a breath of fresh air so to speak.." he added. I was actually a little offended at his choice of words. Am I old and dull now?

"So if she is a breath of fresh air...what am I?" I asked him with more scorn than I probably meant to have. He quickly glanced at me with a face that reflected the trouble he knew he had landed in.

"Shit Bri! Sorry...I didn't mean you..." he replied hastily. He sighed. "I meant girls I meet in general...." he tried to explain. I wondered how many girls he meets and how often and then told myself I was getting carried away with my thoughts again. 'I do trust him!' I told myself.

"So...you are trying to say something about most British girls you meet?" I said carefully and tried not to imply something more. He seemed relieved I was understanding.

"Not just British girls..." he clarified. "I find a lot of them just are star struck...you know...so trying to have a real conversation just goes out the window..." Roger looked pensive for a moment. "Like Jo for instance....she is different. She immediately had a normal impression of me and wanted to get to know me and have a genuine conversation..." Roger was talking about how much Jo was an ideal female friend. I hadn't realized he needed more female company in his life. He has Clare and his mother. My mother as well. He also now has Jo. So he needed another? Was Dom going to be another Jo in his life? It seemed like he spent a good amount of time with Jo already. Talking on the phone and lunches and shopping. Was Dom going to take up more of his time? Did Roger know for certain Dom wasn't interested in more than friendship? I had my doubts for some reason.

"So are you having lunch with Dom or what?" I asked him without trying to sound short but he took it the wrong way and his eyes narrowed and his mouth tightened.

"You know what? Forget I ever mentioned her!" he argued back. His temper flared as he reached the turn for our drive. Roger turned the car hard and skidded a bit as he went barreling down our gravel drive.

"Roger! Stop it!" I yelled at him. My own temper inflamed. "Are you insane?" Roger glared at me as he slammed on the brakes and I lurched forward in the front seat. As soon as we stilled I got out of the car and slammed the door. "What the fuck!" I yelled as he got out as well.

"Don't you fucking tell me how to drive and don't tell me who I can be friends with!" he shouted at me. This felt like it had come out of nowhere but I knew inside this was built from prior spats we've had since we reconciled. It was clear we had some work to do but it was forgotten in the moment. I completely lost any sense of calm and reason and pointed at him from across the car.

"I will tell you my feelings when it is clear the woman in question is interested in you!" I barked back at him. He almost looked satisfied that I had noticed her flirtation. Was he aware he had basically flirted back?

"That is rich coming from you!" he countered with a sneer. "I fucking told you about Chrissie more than once and you insisted you could just be friends!" he reminded me. For some reason this touched a nerve with me. Guilt or just how snide he was being. I completely lost it.

"Yeah? Well at least you knew I would never actually fuck her!" I screamed at him. His face was dark.

"So are you saying I would?" he asked me with great intensity. I honestly felt deep down I wasn't entirely sure. Was the alcohol in my system a great truth serum? Did I really not feel I could trust him? I took to long to ponder this and he snapped. He opened his car door again and looked at me with complete disgust. "Fuck you!" he told me and hopped in the car and started it up. Before I could react he reversed the car and began pulling out of the drive going backwards.

"Roger!" I yelled as he disappeared in the dust spun up from the fast moving gravel. "Shit!" I watched helpless as he took off into the night. I could hear him headed down the road at a fast pace of speed. How did we go from talking about how great our show was to this blow up? How did we end up so angry at each other when we left London on such a high? I struggled to understand as I got the door to the house open and went inside. I dropped my bag on the floor and immediately put my face in my hands. 'What the fuck did I just do?' I asked myself with great regret. I heard someone's footsteps.

"Brian! Are you alright?" Clare asked me as she came up to my side. "I could hear the shouting in my room...it woke me up.." she revealed to me. I was embarrassed and upset. I shook my head. I am not alright. I think I just confessed to my husband that I think he will cheat on me again. 

"I'm okay.....we just had a row..." I told her as I pulled my face from my hands and tried to cover my worry. "Sorry about all the noise..." I told her quietly as I ran my hand through my hair to calm myself down.

"Did he leave?" Clare asked me carefully. "It sounded pretty heated..." she admitted to me. I tried to give her a semblance of a smile but it felt crooked and fake.

"It was stupid....." I answered. "He got pretty mad and took off..." I told her honestly. She looked alarmed at the confirmation but tried to wear a fake smile of her own.

"Yeah...maybe it's best he cool off then..." she replied with an attempt to reassure me. I acted like I believed her.

"You're right..." I agreed. I gestured towards the stairs. "Let's get some sleep.." I suggested to her. She nodded agreement and turned to head up the stairs. I followed her up and was grateful for the dark stairwell to hide the pain in my face. My mind was racing with memories of what we both said and how angry he was. 

"Everything will be alright...goodnight Bri..." Clare told me sweetly and kissed my cheek as we parted at the top of the stairs. I nodded to her.

"Goodnight..." I replied. I was still in shock about our blow up as I walked on autopilot to my room and prepared for bed. Of course, after laying down in our empty bed and feeling the vastness of the space left by his absence I closed my eyes and tried to vanquish enough of the worry, hurt, fear, anger and rumination from my brain. Some of it went away as my body felt the pull of sleep. But not all of it. I was kept awake by many things. But one thought in particular.

Where did Roger go after he left the house?


	78. Leaving Home Ain't Easy....

19th September 1976

London

Roger's POV

My head was splitting when I woke up. I didn't even have the energy to groan about it. I laid on my back on the bed and relived every moment of last night. I had tried to drink enough to forget it but was punished with a fully intact memory combined with a gripping hangover. Fuck!

I dragged myself from the bed and walked slowly to the toilet. Every step hurt and I closed my eyes and sighed at the only relief I felt. An emptying bladder. I finished and leaned against the wall. I really needed a lot of water and some paracetamol. I opened the unfamiliar cabinet over the bathroom sink and found a bottle of pain medicine. I swallowed them with a whole glass of water and then stood and purposefully drank another. Biology class had taught me about hydration being the primary resolution of a hangover. I never forgot it. I looked in the mirror after closing the cabinet and wanted to groan again. My hair looked like a rats nest and there were dark circled under my eyes. Ugh! My insides felt as ugly as my outsides right now. I walked back into the foreign bedroom and found my trousers and shirt on the floor.

I made my way down the tiny flight of stairs in the flat and heard someone singing softly to the radio as I approached. She looked up when she heard me and gave me a look of sympathy.

"Oh...poor little drummer boy!" Jo cooed to me. "You look a right mess this morning..." Jo was already showered and wore the Japanese kimono robe I bought her in Japan earlier in the year.

"I need coffee and sympathy..." I whined to her. She looked surprised at my comment.

"I thought the saying was 'tea and sympathy'.." she told me with a smirk. I grunted at her.

"Like tea will fix this mess..." I grumbled at her. She laughed as she poured me a fresh cup of black coffee and handed it to me. She kissed me chastely on the lips as I turned to take a seat at her tiny kitchen table. I hung my head low to reduce the pain I was feeling. I leaned over and shut the curtains that were letting in some really bright morning sun. 

"Thanks Jo..." I told her as she joined me at the table. She shoved a plate with two pieces of dry toast at me.

"Eat and you're welcome.." she replied. I nodded understanding and grabbed a slice of the bread. I didn't taste great but I sat and finished a piece in silence as her radio played. My stomach felt a bit more grounded with something in it. "Do I need to help you remember anything from last night?" she asked me. I shook my head and sighed.

"Nope! I remember every word....every fucking minute of it all...." I told her with a sense of regret. She smiled at me with amusement. I am glad she finds it funny. I haven't found any humor in it yet. Maybe she can get me there soon. I glanced at the wall clock. It was after one in the afternoon.

"Should I call him?" I asked for her advice. She looked me over and seemed serious.

"Are you still angry at him?" she asked me with sincerity. I am. I can't believe that I had two very public conversations with this woman. Dominique. Both of which took place in front of Brian and he decided I was going to sleep with her. Apparently, he doesn't trust me at all.

"I think I am...yeah..." I answered truthfully. She stood up and walked to the phone.

"How about I call him and just tell him where you are....maybe you should stay here for a day or two and cool off?" she suggested. It felt like a good idea. If I tried to speak to him today I feared it would end with another blowup. I nodded agreement.

"Would you mind?" I asked. She doesn't have a spare room and was kind enough to share her bed with me last night. I can't imagine how bad my breath is right now and how much I might have snored or smelled last night. I fought the impulse to sniff my pits. Jo just smiled at me and picked up the phone. 

"Stay as long as you need Rog....you're welcome here..." she assured me. She dialed our home number as I worked on the second piece of toast and watched with trepidation. She turned and sat down as she waited for an answer. She crossed her legs and smiled at me. I could tell someone picked up.

"Hi Brian! It's Jo!.." she said into the phone. "Yes...he is here with me...he stayed the night..." she explained to him. She listened to him for a moment as she looked at me. I wondered what he was saying.

"I don't think that is a good idea...he is still mad at you..." she informed him. I guess he wanted to speak to me. "Maybe Roger should stay with me for a few days....you both can calm down and then go from there..." she suggested to Brian. She listened intently and then looked concerned. I suddenly worried if Brian was panicked or something and felt an impulse to get on the phone to make sure he is okay. I stood up but Jo gestured to me to sit back down. I complied.

"Brian...I understand you are upset about what happened....please just give him some space right now....let him sort himself out and then you can both talk..." I nodded to her to agree with her choice of words. "Maybe you should call your therapist..." she said to him. This made me really concerned and I stood up again. Jo didn't stop me and I walked over to her. She placed a hand over the receiver.

"Is he having a panic attack or something?" I asked her. She shook her head. 

"No...he's just really upset and wants to apologize to you.." she informed me. I wondered if I should just let this go and get back home. Jo looked at me with resolve in her eyes. "I think you need to both think on this one...." she suggested to me. I knew inside she is right. This blowup was big and ugly and for some reason felt different from others we have had. It really burned me up that he basically told me he doesn't trust me. I nodded agreement.

"You're right...a few days.." I answered. She smiled and resumed her phone conversation as I walked out of the room and felt like I might throw up my toast and coffee.

\--------------------------

20th September 1976

"I forgot we have a session today....I can't miss.." I told Jo as I looked through her closet to find something of hers I could borrow that was clean. I had been wearing the same clothes for two days now. There was an over sized black button up silk shirt that I pulled from a hanger and she actually lent me a pair of her panties. She has some in a larger size she wears sometimes when she's bloated. I had enjoyed a lovely hot shower and the fresh clothes felt good on my clean skin. I smiled to myself as I thought about the underwear hidden under my jeans. Jo was kind enough to leave the room as I dressed. She has seen me in my briefs before but respects some boundaries. I love Jo to pieces but really have never felt anything romantic towards her. She feels like a soul mate in a way. More than like a sister. Clare and I grew up together. I feel like sometimes Jo is helping me grow up in some ways as well. She is a solid friend. I really need one right now. I adore Freddie but he is caught up in all the changes going on in his life right now. He needs his space and his own energy for himself. Deacy is a friend but he is too wrapped up in his happy home and contentment with his new station in life. Brian is my best friend but right now he is more so the spouse I can't not be angry at. So Jo is my best friend right now.

"How is Brian getting to the session?" she asked me. Shit! I keep forgetting I left them without any car when I took off. I suddenly felt really bad. If they needed anything they had to call the car service or a taxi. I felt really selfish.

"I guess a car service...I should give him the car at the session today...you're in London so I can just grab a taxi or something..." I told her. I hoped maybe we can resolve our fight and I can just go home. But I had to admit that the time away had given me space to think. It really bothered me that Brian didn't trust me. It was something that we really had to talk out before I came home. It gave me an idea and I reached over and grabbed Jo's telephone on her bedroom table.

\-----------------------

I arrived at the studio and felt a bit anxious as I opened the door and walked inside. We are behind on our recording schedule so I didn't feel I could cancel today. Despite what is going on with Brian and I, we had business to handle. Sure enough Brian was already there. The minute I arrived in the control booth he stood up and looked at me with a mix of fear and uncertainty in his eyes. He hadn't shaved and had the beginnings of a beard. He had washed but looked haggard and stressed.

"Rog...can we talk?" he asked me immediately. I noticed Freddie and Deacy had not arrived. I then saw Deacy inside the recording booth. He waived at me and I waived back.

"We have work to do...it can wait..." I replied. I looked around for Freddie. "Where is Freddie?" I asked. For some reason I didn't want to be alone with Brian in the room. Mike was there sitting at the console but I felt like we might start arguing and I didn't want to do this at work. In such a public place. 

"Freddie hasn't arrived so we have a few minutes.." Brian countered to me and motioned to the door. I gave in and walked to it and opened it as he followed me out. We found an empty room and stepped inside and Brian closed the door. I looked at him as I crossed my arms in front of me.

"Be quick..." I told him and instantly felt the unresolved anger simmer back up. Brian looked confused at my request and seem to fumble to find his words. He started to speak more than once and then stopped. He sorted himself out and then looked at me intently.

"Rog...I want to apologize to you for everything that happened.." he began. I felt he was sincere but I immediately wondered if he was apologizing quickly to smooth things over and get me home. I had to know the answer to the vital question at hand here. I didn't want to waste my time with his speech. I placed my hand up to stop him talking.

"I just need you to answer one question...okay?" I said to him bluntly. He startled a bit at my interruption and nodded meekly. 

"Okay..." he said with his nerves on full display. I swallowed hard and looked him in the eye.

"Do you trust me?" I asked him. He instantly had doubt in his face. I hoped he wouldn't bother lying to me or trying to hide his feelings. I already had my answer without a word from him. Fuck!

"I'm not sure...." he finally blurted out. I walked to the door of the room and went to open it. Before I did I stopped and looked straight ahead at the door.

"Do you have your car keys?" I asked him. 

"Yes.." he answered quietly. I avoided looking at him.

"Take the car when you leave today...I won't need it in the city..." I told him and walked out the door.

\---------------------------------

I returned to the studio and Brian remained gone until after Freddie showed up and apologized for his standard tardiness. David was with him and they seemed to have lingered too long at lunch with friends. I was annoyed but was ready for the distraction of work right now. Brian came into the booth and looked horrible. It was evident he had been crying. I steeled myself and immediately looked at Freddie and David and shook my head before they could ask what was wrong with Brian. He sat and sniffed for a moment and got hold of himself as I tried to get busy with Mike at the console. Freddie took the hint and went inside with Deacy to work on his song, 'You and I.' Deacy smiled as Freddie strolled in to take a seat at the piano. They were finishing up the piano track and then Freddie was doing his main vocal. I felt Brian staring at me through the back of my head but ignored it. Soon enough Mike got me busy with the console and I focused on it instead. Brian finally took a seat on the opposite side of Mike.

We finished up work on Deacy's track for today and we had to do some more backing vocals for 'Somebody to Love.' Brian and I stood up and went into the recording booth to ready ourselves to sing. Freddie looked at us cautiously as we donned our headphones and got arranged around the large microphone in the center of us all. Brian kept it together and kept it professional as we spent several hours repeating lines to build the choir effect for the track. Deacy sat with amusement and watched our labors. He stood up from his comfortable spot when we finally finished.

"It's like a sausage factory..." he remarked to us as I stretched from standing in place for so long. I actually laughed and the others did as well. It seemed a fitting description of our endeavors. 

"Plenty of sausage here already.." Freddie quipped back and gestured at his crotch. We all burst out laughing. It helped to have a light moment. Despite joining in there was no brightness in Brian's eyes. I felt bad that this is hurting him but I am hurt as well. It was evident that Freddie noticed Brian's lack of light as we finished for the day. Brian and Deacy were looking over their notes for some work on one of his tracks and Freddie pulled me over to the side. 

"Did you have a fight or something?" he asked me quietly. I nodded to him.

"Yes...it's not resolved but we are here to work..." I answered. He understood and dropped the subject as Brian talked about our plans for tomorrow. We finalized the schedule and Deacy took off for home. Freddie and David went to see another artist in an adjoining studio as I grabbed my things. Brian lingered and I knew he wanted to talk more. I had a plan.

"Rog...can we go somewhere and talk?" he asked me. I shook my head and he looked dejected.

"We are going to talk...but I think we are better served if we do it with Mack..." I informed him. I wasn't sure if Brian was relieved to hear my idea or not. He bit his lip and nodded agreement. "I called him and got us an appointment before our studio time tomorrow..." I explained. Brian was surprised and looked uncertain. I moved to leave the studio but he grabbed my arm.

"So..you are just staying with Jo?" he asked me with a hint of nervousness. I nodded to him.

"Yes...for now.." I replied. He got a distraught look on his face and suddenly grabbed his things and headed for the door. I wasn't sure why my words caused him to react this way. He took off.

\----------------------

22nd September 1976

"Roger...it's good to see you...Brian....." Mack told us as he led me into his inner office. Brian followed after me and I looked at the seating arrangements and found one large couch and one arm chair. It was evident the chair was for Mack so I took a seat on the couch and Brian sat down next to me in a careful manner. He seemed a bit withdrawn and had been quiet the entire time we waited for Mack to get us. I guess he was saving all his talking for our time with Mack. 

"So..." Mack began and got comfortable in his chair. He noted the gap of space Brian had made between us on the couch. He was leaning into his side of the couch purposefully. I found it a bit disconcerting. "Roger called me.. Brian.. and said we all needed to talk about trust issues in your relationship..." he said to us both. Brian nodded and avoided looking at me. He kept his eyes on Mack. I noticed his hands had slipped into his lap and they were grabbing at the bottom of his jumper. It shook me up to see him engaging in this behavior as it reminded me of when he was in the clinic after swallowing those pills. He had done the same thing then. Almost like a nervous tic. 

"Roger...care to start?" he asked me. I began by telling Mack a brief history of things between Brian and myself. I began when Tiger Lily had arrived and the problems we had that led to me cheating. I was brief with it and focused more on how we reconciled and then brought up the fights we had since that time. I then explained what had taken place the night of the 18th. Both Mack and Brian listened to me without interruption, which I appreciated. Mack took a moment to absorb what I said. He then looked at Brian.

"Well Brian....do you agree with the events that Roger laid out here?" he asked him directly. Brian nodded a little and then shifted a bit on the couch. He seemed anxious but wouldn't look at me.

"Yes...except I think he failed to tell you he was flirting with Dominique both times he spoke with her.." he gave his opinion about my behavior and I tried my best not to have a cavalier reaction. I wasn't flirting with her from my recollections We had just engaged in a serious and interesting conversation on both occasions.

"Roger...were you flirting with Dominique?" he asked me. I shook my head and looked right into Mack's eyes.

"I was not flirting with her...and I didn't take her as flirting with me either....we simply had an engaging couple of conversations...she is an interesting person..." I provided my explanation and Mack listened. Brian looked dubious so I looked at him. This time he met my gaze and looked angry and upset.

"I guess we have differing opinions on what constitutes flirting.." Brian told me sharply. I kept my gaze on him. 

"Yeah? Well tell me exactly how we were behaving then?" I demanded. "Tell me what appeared to be a flirtation to you?" Brian kept his gaze on me as well and I could see fire in his eyes. He got the same set in his jaw that his father gets when he is mad or being stubborn. Oh great!

"I know how you behave when you flirt Rog!" he told me with extreme arrogance. "You lower your eye lids when you speak and get close to people...you speak in a certain tone and gesture in a certain way..." he explained to me and seemed almost self righteous as he described it. "And she was standing extremely close to you the entire time you chatted with her..." he added. "Plus you offered her a cigarette and then lit it for her.." Brian was apparently convinced and I didn't know how to negate this. I turned to Mack when I didn't know how to respond to Brian.

"I can see he is convinced...but I'm telling you there was no substance to this.." I assured him. Mack glanced at Brian and then back at me.

"I'm not the one with the issue Roger...so talk to him about it..." Mack reminded me. He is right. I should get Brian to consider my side of things. But then it occurred to me that he had questioned his trust in me before this incident. Did it matter if it was Dominique or any other woman? Or even another man? Was my future with him going to be filled with moments like this? If I spoke to any other person in a way he construed as flirting, was he going to think I would cheat? I felt a pain in my heart as I realized we might be back to where we were at the beginning of the year. 

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked Brian. "I know I wasn't flirting and I don't think she was either....are you going to think anyone I speak to intently about anything is a person I am going to jump into bed with?" I bluntly asked him and waited for a response. I couldn't believe the doubt I was seeing in Brian's face. My stomach dropped. 

"Not everyone.." he told me in a sullen tone. I stood up from the couch. I almost felt like there was no point in continuing. Brian looked shocked at my reaction. So did Mack. 

"Roger..." Mack said to me in a careful tone. 

"I think there may not be a point to continuing this conversation today.." I replied and headed for the door. "Thanks for your time Mack..." I said and bolted out the door. I began walking briskly out of the office. I heard the door open and Brian came out after me.

"Rog...we need to talk about this...we can work this out..." he told me but inside I felt like there was a crack in our foundation that wasn't ever going to go away. I walked out of the office and hurriedly went down the stairs. I opened the building door and stepped out to flag a taxi. I didn't want to give Brian a chance to stop me. For some reason that struck me hard and tears formed in my eyes. I didn't want to give Brian a chance because I feel like he isn't giving me one. A real chance. Had this whole year been a waste of time? Had we jumped back into our relationship too soon? A taxi pulled over and I slipped inside.

"Mayfair....24 Haswell Road.." I instructed the driver before he could ask. I ignored the tears that threatened to spill and looked out the window of the taxi as he took off. We moved into traffic and I felt my life had suddenly and irrevocably changed. How did this happen? How did we go from having what felt like a fantastic relationship to this place of doubt and anger? Where did we go wrong? I wiped the dampness from my cheeks and wondered what my next step is. Our lives are completely and purposefully enter twined. Our home, our car, our job, our child, our everything. While a few days ago this felt like everything good in my life, I now felt trapped in a web of complications. We soon arrived to the building that houses Jo's flat. I glanced up at the meter and fished out a 5 pound note and handed it to the driver.

"Keep the change.." I told him as I exited the taxi. I walked up and pressed the buzzer for her flat. The intercom came on. "It's me...Roger..." I informed her. She pressed the button to open the door and I slipped inside. I took the stairs to expel some of my anxious energy. I reached her door and she had left it ajar. I walked inside and she was standing in her work area and was on the telephone. She mouthed to me as she listened on the handset.

'It's Brian..' she mouthed. I shook my head. "No...not now Brian...I'll ask him to call you later.." she informed him and hung up the phone. She looked really concerned as she walked over to me. "What happened?" she asked me as she put her arm around me. It felt comforting and I savored it. The thought that had loomed in my brain since I walked out of Mack's office spilled from my lips.

"I think I might want a divorce..."


	79. I Just Wanna Testify - Part 1

22nd September 1976

London

Roger's POV

"I think you need to explain yourself...really?.. a divorce Rog?" Jo's response was one of disbelief and surprise at my choice of words. Maybe I am over reacting right now but I think I mean it. If there is no trust, then what is the point? Jo walked to her cocktail cabinet and poured two glasses of whisky. She walked over and handed me one. "Drink this and then tell me what happened..." she said. I took the glass from her and had a large sip and savored the effect. I walked over to her sitting area and flopped down on her small couch. She joined and faced me as she looked at me with concern in her eyes. I reached in my jacket pocket for my cigarettes. I lit one and she stuck her hand out and took it. I grabbed another for myself. We sat in silence as I organized my thoughts.

"We went and saw Mack and it was clear that Brian doesn't trust me....never has since last year..." I explained to her. "He won't believe that I wasn't flirting with Dom and admitted that he believes when I behave that way with other people, it is possible I am going to sleep with them. Can you believe this?" I declared to her with irritation. She listened to me and seemed to be processing my statement. She took a drag from her cigarette and reached over the back of the couch for an ashtray. She tapped her cigarette and looked at me. 

"I want to have a really honest conversation with you and I want you to really listen to me.." Jo announced. I nodded agreement. I need this. I need her help. 

"Okay.." I responded. Jo took a deep breath and looked me in the eye. 

"I think you and Brian do have some real issues but I think you might be over reacting right now...." she informed me. I disagreed with her but decided to hear what she had to say before I spoke. I nodded for her to proceed. "Did Brian tell you he wanted to end your relationship?" she asked me. I shook my head.

"No...but to be honest...I didn't let it get that far.." I told her and took another sip of my drink. 

"What did he say?" 

"I ask him if he thought I was going to sleep with anyone I had a meaningful conversation with and his response was...get this....not everyone!" I told her with an air of outrage. She leaned towards me and took my hand.

"How did you respond to this?" she asked me.

"Well...I got up and left.." I replied. Jo looked surprised.

"Wait! You just left?" she asked me with disbelief. I nodded an affirmation. Jo looked really concerned.

"Rog...I think you left the therapist prematurely.." she told me. "I know what Brian said upset you but you should have stuck it out and talked more about this..." I could see her point to a degree but 'what is the point?' If he doesn't trust me? 

"What is the point if he doesn't trust me?" I challenged to her. Jo sighed again and ran her hand over mine.

"Roger....you have cheated on him more than once! You got a girl pregnant and you told me that even though you knew what you were doing was wrong...you still cheated on him more than once last year.." she told me bluntly. "Of course he has trust issues!" she told me firmly. "I know I would!" I smashed my cigarette out in the ashtray and drank the final dregs of my glass of whisky. 

"So you think I'll do it again?....Is that it?" I asked her directly. She seemed to think for a moment before she answered. Just like Brian did. Fuck! She does think I will do it again! 

"Roger...when people get stressed out...they often do bad things to cope..." she explained. "Some people drink too much...some people do drugs....some people gamble or overspend...." she added. I knew where this was headed.

"And some people screw around?" I added to her list. She nodded her head. She left out the fact that some people do more damaging things to themselves. "Don't forget some people try to kill themselves.." I informed her. She looked shocked at my statement for a moment.

"Rog...I think Brian's problems are a bit more than just stress....that may not be a fair statement.." she informed me. "This is about your behavior right now so don't try to and make this about Brian's problems..." She was right. I was trying to counter the truth she was telling me by trying to pull his issues into this. It might be a cheap shot.

"You're right...sorry.." I told her wearily as I fumbled around for another cigarette. Jo stopped me with her hand and looked at me with worry. 

"Don't you have a session today?" she asked me. Fuck! We are scheduled for work. I don't know if I want to see him right now. There is too much going on right now to keep it just about work. I groaned.

"Yes...we do..." I confirmed with a weary sigh. I dragged myself from the couch and walked to the telephone. I pulled the phone number for the studio from my wallet and dialed the number. That had to be where Brian was calling from.

"Wessex Studios..." the receptionist answered.

"This is Roger Taylor from Queen...can I speak to studio C please?" I asked. She transferred me and Mike picked up.

"This is Mike.." 

"Hi Mike...it's Roger...is Freddie there?" I asked him; wanting to avoid Brian right now. 

"Hang on...." 

"Roger....where are you dear?" Freddie immediately asked and was short with me. 

"I'm at Jo's...look... I don't know if I can come in today...." I told him. Before I could explain I was cut off.

"So you are in London...good...I guess I'll see you in say...45 minutes?" he informed me. I knew if I said no he would probably get in a car and show up here to collect me. I sighed and looked over at Jo. 

"I guess I'll see you then..." I replied and Freddie hung up the phone.

\---45 minutes later---

I opened the door to the converted church studio and went inside. My stomach was in knots. A huge difference from my contained anger yesterday. Today felt painful. I walked straight to our studio door as I knew any hesitation would make it worse. Like ripping a band aid off. I flung the door open and walked in. Deacy looked at me and smiled softly. 

"Hey Rog.." Deacy told me in a friendly manner. I saw Brian was in the recording booth with Freddie. "They're working on Brian's Japanese song.." Deacy informed me as I took a seat next to him at the console. Mike wasn't in the room and I could hear Brian playing the piano over the speaker. 

"Hey Deaks..." I replied and tried to focus on the work at hand. I didn't know if Deacy was aware of what was going on with Brian and myself and hoped to avoid a conversation about it. 

"Mike went to the loo..." Deacy informed me. I nodded understanding and looked up from the console and watched Brian sitting by Freddie on the piano bench. They appeared to be going over the piano part for the song. Brian was playing the melody to him as Freddie watched and made some notes. The door to the studio opened and Mike popped his head through.

"Hey Roger....do you all want to order lunch?" he asked us both. I looked at my watch and noticed it was already 1 pm. Where has this day gone? We were at Mack's at 10 am this morning. I sat back and observed as Deacy took everyone's food order and then had the receptionist phoned it in. Freddie and Brian continued work as I slipped over to sit on the couch and had a cigarette while I watched Deacy and Mike talk about a new idea for recording vocals. Soon enough the food arrived and we took a break to eat. I stood up from the couch and slipped out of the room before Brian and Freddie came inside. I used the toilet and went to the break room to eat. Everyone was seated at the big table and opening their containers. The only empty seat was by Brian and I gingerly sat down next to him.

'Hey Rog..." Brian told me quietly as I grabbed my food. Brian wouldn't look at me as I settled in my chair. 

"Hi....." I told him back. I felt someone watching me and glanced over at Freddie. His expression told me he wasn't happy with me right now. I returned my focus to my food. Most of the conversation during lunch was from Mike, Deacy and Freddie. Brian and I sat stone silent and picked at our meal. I gave up after eating half my lunch and wanted another smoke. I found my packet and was annoyed to find it empty. I considered using it as an excuse to leave for a bit but knew Freddie would have my head. "Are we doing the backing track next?" I asked Brian as he sat and stirred his spoon in his styrofoam bowl of soup. 

"That is the plan...." he confirmed to me. I found my reason to leave and stood up..

"I need to tune my drums..." I said casually and left the room as I tossed my food containers. The studio was quiet and I did actually work on my kit while waiting for the others. The door opened a few minutes later but only Brian walked in. He came over but kept a little distance as I checked the head of my main tom. Brian was picking at the hem of his jumper again and I worked to not think what it meant. 

"I don't appreciate you walking out of Mack's this morning..." Brian told me in a voice that was filled with emotion. I looked up at him and thought about what Jo had said to me this morning. About not sticking around to discuss his feelings more. I also considered my thoughts regarding chances.

"To be honest Brian I wasn't interested in giving you a chance because I felt like you weren't giving me one..." I replied earnestly. Brian's mouth hung open a bit with shock and then he closed it and pressed his lips together tightly. His eyes narrowed.

"How many chances am I supposed to give you Rog?" he snapped back. I didn't see it coming and the reminder I was guilty of more than once offence of cheating actually hurt. I looked down at my drums to avoid the judgement from my husband.

"Apparently you've run out.." I answered back. We both glared at each other for a solid minute and then I saw Brian's mouth tremble. He was going to crack first. Perfect! I know there was a semblance of a smug grin on my face from the sharp retort I made to him. I saw the liquid pool in his eyes and my own self satisfaction at watching him dissolve into tears waned quickly. I filled with guilt and remorse at wanting to see him hurt. Because I am also hurting. My grin disappeared and my stomach churned heavily. I realized this time things might be damaged beyond repair and my heart shuddered at the consideration.

"I want to trust you.." Brian told me as he began to cry. The pain in his face struck me hard. "You just make it so hard sometimes.." It hurt so much to hear this from him. There wasn't any anger in his tone at all. Just sadness. The door to the room opened up and Freddie and Deacy came in chatting animatedly about some television program. Brian quickly wiped his face with his hands and walked to his guitar as he rubbed his damp palms on his trousers. The other two didn't seem to notice and took their places at their instruments. I felt a mix of shame and regret as I tightened my toms and waited for the signal. This was going to be a long, tense session.

\------------------------

"So tomorrow we can work on the backing vocals for Deacy's number and then finish up the track for 'Waltz..' " Freddie suggested as we all put our equipment away for the night. 

"Sounds fine..." I told them. I was preparing to head out of this room as quick as possible to avoid Brian. I wasn't sure I could handle any more of the heavy emotions from earlier. I felt tired and irritable from the events of the past few days. I wanted a drink. I wanted to go somewhere and forget about my problems. Brian already had Red in her case and was looking at me as Freddie spoke. I worried I wasn't getting out of here without a few words between us.

"So we can meet at 10 then?" Freddie asked us all. I quickly nodded and gauged the number of steps needed to get past everyone and out the door. The intercom switched on.

"Rog...you've got a phone call..." Mike informed me. "Dominique from Richard Branson's office..." he added. My heart rate jumped at the news and I immediately looked at Brian. He looked like he had been punched in the gut. He grabbed his guitar case and bolted out the door.

"Brian!" I called out as he disappeared from the room. My insides deflated. Her unexpected call wasn't helping my situation at all. 

"Can you tell her I will call her back and get a number?" I asked Mike through the speaker.

"Will do..." he informed me and turned the intercom off. Freddie glared at me from the piano bench.

"Care to tell us what the fuck is going on?" Freddie said to me in a terse manner. "I know you said you two have fought....does this Dominique person have something to do with this?" he asked me bluntly. I figured there wasn't a point in trying to avoid the topic with them. Especially if things deteriorated between us.

"Brian and I had a big fight a few nights ago..." I started. I glanced over at Deacy and he seemed curious about something.

"Is Dominique that woman you were flirting with at Hyde Park?" he asked me sincerely. My face grew hot at his words.

"I wasn't flirting with her!" I yelled at him as I felt anger soar inside me. I picked up my tambourine from the top of my percussion table and threw it across the room. It smashed against the wall to the right of me. It was several feet away from Deacy but his face showed his shock and anger.

"What the fuck Roger!" Deacy shouted at me. He shut the case on his bass guitar and shot me a hateful look. "I have news for you!" he told me boldly. "You were both flirting and I watched Brian try to not let it get to him...so you can believe what you want..but I saw it myself...." Deacy challenged back. I didn't want to believe what he told me. Was I flirting with her? Was she flirting with me? My thoughts must have been obvious on my face as Freddie walked over and put his arm around me.

"Rog dear....what is that line from Shakespeare?" he said to me in an even keeled manner. "Me thinks you doth protest too much?" he told me in a whimsical voice to lighten the blow. 

"So you think I was flirting as well?" I asked him in a tight voice. Freddie seemed sad to answer.

"You were flirting Roger Taylor....get over yourself.." Freddie informed me as he rubbed his arm up and down my back. "You are guilty as charged!" I had to know if they assumed I would cheat. Like Brian thought I would.

"So do you both assume then that I am going to cheat on Brian?" I asked them bluntly. They shared a quick glance and I wasn't sure what they were telling each other.

"Considering your history...chances are that it is likely..." Deacy said matter of fact to me. He had calmed down from his harsh words earlier. "I'm just considering your recidivism rate.." 

"I appreciate your honesty.." I told him snidely. Deacy just shrugged at me. I then looked at Freddie for his thoughts.

"What do you want me to say?" Freddie said to me with a touch of pleading. I took it that he was going to imply the same as Deacy. Well shit! They all think I am a serial cheater.

"I'd like to remind you both that you are guilty of infidelities in your own relationships.." I said with clear annoyance at their opinions.

"But this isn't about us..now is it?" Deacy snapped back. Fuck! He had me there. 

\-------------------------

Brian's POV

Why did we have to move all the way to the countryside? Why did I let Roger convince me to live so far from everything? Why did I let myself believe everything between us was good? Why did I reconcile with him? Why did he let Dominique call him at the studio? Why did I impregnate his sister? I am a fucking fool!

It was one of the longest and tedious drives of my life. There was congestion on the motorway and I crept along with the other traffic. I tried to listen to the radio as a distraction from my intrusive thoughts but certain songs would just trigger me. They played 'Dancing Queen' and it quickly reminded me of Freddie's birthday party. Hadn't Roger danced with that other guy? The one who followed him to the toilets. Had Roger flirted with him and given him the wrong impression? Probably! I am a fucking fool!

I had switched the station to find myself hearing The Beatles and the tears spilled from my eyes as I fumbled to switch the radio off altogether. Fuck! Traffic finally began moving and I found my exit towards Surrey. I sighed in relief as I turned onto the main roads from the motorway. Almost home! As I arrived in the village area I remembered that Clare had asked me to get some milk. Since there was only one car, she couldn't go shopping while we worked. I sighed in resignation and parked in front of the shopping area. I checked my face in the mirror before I got out of the car. I didn't want anyone to see I've been crying. I sniffed away the residual tears and walked into the market. It wasn't busy and was near closing time. I quickly went to the dairy section and grabbed a carton of the milk we buy. I thought about how stressed out I have been and hoped I hadn't put any burden on Clare right now. I told her briefly this morning before the therapy session the status of things with her brother. She was trying to stay neutral on the matter, which I completely respect. Roger is her brother no matter what! I could tell she was disappointed in his behavior though. He had only called once and mainly asked to talk to Tiger Lily and his conversation with her was brief. The baby was looking for him around the house. It was hard to explain in any way she can understand that he is away right now. I am here so she believes he should be as well. 

I walked up to the counter and saw a selection of flowers on a stand. I grabbed a bouquet of flowers for Clare to say sorry for having to put up with us both right now. I purchased the items and got to the car and headed home. I arrived safely and grabbed my things. I went inside and heard Clare on the telephone in the kitchen as I came in.

"I need to call you tomorrow...bye Alli..." she told her best friend and hung up the phone.

"I hope you didn't end your call because of me.." I said to Clare as she grabbed her glass of water and took a big drink. She shook her head.

"You actually gave me an excuse to get her off the phone...she's gone on for ages about her new boyfriend..." she complained as I walked up and handed her the flowers I bought.

"It's to say sorry for the past few days..." I told her humbly. She smiled at me and leaned in and kissed my cheek. 

"You know Brian...you create a standard that I hold other men to and it's bloody hard to find a boyfriend under these conditions..." she teased me. I smiled gratefully at her. "So? How did things go with Roger at Mack's office this morning?" she cut right to the chase and I lowered my head and found the bottom of my jumper with my fingers.

"Badly...I'm afraid.." I told her as I walked to the refrigerator to put up the milk I bought and to hide the tears that threatened. I wiped my damp eyes before turning back to her. She had an expression of empathy.

"He can be such a prick sometimes...what did he do now?" she said to make me feel better. 

"I'll spare you the details...let's just not talk about it tonight...okay?" I told her. I didn't know what to say and really needed a respite from it all right now. She seemed to understand and nodded to me with a warm smile.

"Alright! Did you get any recording done?" she asked me and changed the subject. I smiled at her willingness to let it go for now and nodded back.

"We did...yeah....we finished the backing track for my Japanese song today...Freddie is going to do the main vocal in a few days.." I informed her. She listened as I grabbed some cheese and an apple and made myself a snack. I wasn't really hungry but knew I shouldn't take my medication on an empty stomach. I poured myself a glass of milk and took a seat next to Clare as I explained what our recording plans were for the rest of the week. I finished my snack and grabbed the mail. It was an odd mix of bills, a letter from Trevor and Wilkie and some type of invitation. I opened the envelope and looked inside. I pulled out an expensive looking invitation to a special party commemorating Buddy Holly's birthday. To my surprise and utter delight I saw that the event was being hosted by Paul and Linda McCartney. I had to look twice to believe my eyes. I also had to look twice at the envelope to believe they had invited me. How? I'm not really anybody!

"What is it?" Clare asked me as I gasped at the honor. I leaned over and showed her the invitation. She read over it and gasped as well.

"Wow!" she said and we shared an excited grin.

"Wow! Indeed!" I replied. "I can't wait to tell Rog..." I started to say and then realized he wasn't here to tell. "Well...I guess I'll tell him tomorrow..." I told her quietly as the realization of him not living here right now sunk in. Clare suddenly put her arm around me and leaned in.

"It's going to be okay Bri..." she told with confidence. I wanted to believe her but she doesn't know about today. About the words we shared and where things were left. That Roger seemed to feel I was out of chances to offer him and I had to wonder if I really am. I tried to convince myself I had blown this whole thing out of proportion and maybe Roger had as well. When Mike said that Dominique was on the phone for him; it felt like I wasn't wrong. My instincts were right. I focused on forcing down the rest of my food as I pondered attending the Buddy Holly event alone. I picked up the envelope to put the invitation inside and noticed it was addressed to both Roger and myself. Shit! Another complication in the middle of this mess! I went ahead and tucked the invite away. It could wait a day or two.

"Thanks for your support Clare...you're the best...you know that, right?" I told her truthfully. She hasn't once mentioned our baby and questioned where it fits in all the uncertainty right now. She has remained focused on me and my feelings. She is a total gem! "I'm going to head up...it's been a long day.." Clare smiled at me as I walked my dishes to the sink and then turned to leave.

"Try to get some sleep Brian...you'll feel better.." she suggested. I nodded agreement and left for the stairs. I stopped and went inside my study and grabbed my journal and my list I was working on. I made my way upstairs and stopped at Tiger Lily's room. She was sound asleep in her princess bed and Squeaky was nestled in the corner by the edge of her pillow. Watching over her like the good girl she is.

"Good night girls..." I told them softly as I left the door ajar and went to my own room. I got ready for bed and slid under the covers on this chilly night and picked up my journal to use for a hard surface. I took my ever expanding list and moved to the end of it and grabbed my pen.

'I disappointed Roger today by not being willing to give him another chance and giving him the benefit of the doubt about a flirtation.' I wrote this down and felt only a tinge of relief at putting my feelings on paper. I thought about Roger's reaction to my words today. It was painful to remember the anguish in his face when I asked him how many chances I was supposed to allow him. He had answered that he figured he was out of chances. Is he? I picked up my pen and began writing.

'I let myself down today because I let my anger and pride get the best of me. I wanted to make Roger hurt the way he has hurt me and it felt terrible.' I slid my list over on to the bed and opened my journal. I found the next empty section and began writing.

'Saw Roger at Mack's today. Came to realization I believe Roger is capable of cheating on me again. Roger won't believe he was flirting with that French woman. Why? Is this something he inherited from his Father's example? Why is it when I think I am doing the right thing for myself it feels so awful?' 

I felt tired and drained and decided I would write more tomorrow. Despite knowing I would probably wake in the middle of the night with my head full of my problems I decided to try and sleep for now. I put my things on the nightstand turned out my light. I turned on my side facing Roger's side of the bed and wondered if we would ever share a bed again. I closed my eyes and clenched at my blanket for a tiny bit of comfort.

Roger's POV

"Why don't you listen to some music instead?" Jo suggested as I grabbed the whisky bottle and considered getting drunk again. It had become a habit since I arrived here. She is right. I can't drink my problems away. I set the bottle down and tightened her robe around my waist. I still had not managed to get any of my clothes and had slowly invaded her wardrobe. Today I had hijacked her robe. She didn't seem to mind. She lit a fresh cigarette as I walked over to her stereo equipment. I looked at her album collection and flipped through it. 

"Anything you want to hear?" I asked Jo as I let my mind get distracted with a running commentary on the albums she owned. I was impressed that her collection appeared to be in alphabetical order. "Something soulful or cerebral?" I asked as I flipped to the middle and found myself in the letter M. There was a Manfred Mann album. 'They were on our showcase at Cardiff Castle,' I told myself. I kept flipping through.

"Mmmm..soulful sounds good...we've both had to think way too much already today.." she responded. Truer words she has never spoken. I kept looking and came across an album for the R&B group, The Parliaments. I pulled it from her crate and slipped the album out.

" The Parliaments? " I offered to her. She nodded agreement so I put the record on and started it playing. I set the album sleeve on top of her turntable cover after lowering the lid and began moving to the music. The beat was grooving with the first track so I considered losing myself in a silly dance. I purposely gyrated my hips and move my hands at her in a suggestive manner.

"Careful Rog! I might think you are flirting with me..." she teased. She had tried to help me make light of the heavy events of the day and this was another gesture on her part. I had admitted to her I might be guilty of flirting while unaware. She had listened to me with patience and support as I told her I needed to find a way to apologize to Brian and hope he would accept it. I also wanted to ask him to find a way to give me one more chance and that I wanted to try and do better going forward. It felt like a long shot right now but it needed to wait for tomorrow. It was late and Brian probably wasn't interested in talking to me after Dominique had called the studio. I had a realization and looked at Jo as I danced.

"You know...I never even called Dominique back to find out why she called today..." I informed her. She looked happy to hear this. "If I really wanted to sleep with her...I mean...this is my chance right?..I would have already phoned and been at her place by now..." I proposed to Jo. 

"You are correct..." Jo surmised. "But you didn't even think about her or pick up the phone drummer boy...." she reminded me. "Maybe you aren't a scoundrel after all..." she added. I smiled and laughed at her encouragement. The song ended so I stopped dancing.

"Come dance with me..." I told Jo. The next song started but she waived me over.

"No...I like this song...come listen..." she told me. I obeyed and walked over to sit and listen with her. 

Friends, inquisitive friends  
Are asking me what's come over me  
There's been a change (there's been a change)  
And it's oh so plain to see

Love just walked in on me  
And it's taken me by surprise  
Happiness surrounds me  
You can see it in my eyes

Now it was just a little while ago  
My life was was incomplete  
I was down so doggone low  
Had to look up at my feet

Don't you know that  
I just want to testify  
What your love has done for me  
I just want to testify  
What your love has done for me

I listened as she asked. I recalled this song from my early youth and followed along with it. In hearing it again I found a connection to this record. I liked the chorus part - where they sang about testifying your love. It felt like I was feeling this right now. At this moment. I wanted to find a way to testify to Brian that his love is what matters to me. Not a million woman I have met or will meet now or in the future. I want to be with him. No other woman. No other man. Just him. I suddenly realized I needed to get up and fight. Don't let this just play itself out any longer. This fight had gone too many rounds and was close to a technical knock out with me losing. I turned to Jo.

"Can I borrow your car?"


	80. I Just Wanna Testify - Part 2

22nd September 1976

London/Surrey

Brian's POV

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't seem to let go of all the unresolved issues running through my mind. With everything up in the air about our relationship, trying to sleep in a bed where Roger should be next to me became too much. I glanced at the clock and saw it was after midnight. I sighed and considered taking a walk to clear my head. I got out of bed and pulled on my jumper over my pajamas, stepped into my clogs and went downstairs. I decided on something different and went to my study and pulled out my telescope. I went outside and took a stroll out to the middle of our vast lawn. I set the tripod up and wiped off the instrument with a cloth I kept in the case. I cleaned the lens and realized it had been ages since I lost myself in the stars. It was a clear night and I marveled at how much I could see from our back yard. So much more than I ever saw in the London sky. Maybe moving out here wasn't all bad!

I spent some time gazing through the viewer at some of my favorite constellations and wondered how different my life would be if I had stuck to astronomy. I was interrupted from my thoughts by the sound of a car coming up the drive. I knew it had to be at least 1 am in the morning. I left my telescope and walked towards the driveway as a mini cooper arrived to the parking area. I didn't recognize the car. It stopped and Roger stepped out. What is he doing here at this hour? He saw me on the lawn and walked hurriedly my way. I instantly felt anxiety rupture through my nervous system.

"Brian!" he said loudly as I walked back to my telescope in an attempt to ignore him. I wasn't sure I could handle talking to him right now. Unfortunately, he followed me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him as I stood next to my telescope and folded my arms across my chest and glared at him. Roger approached me and stopped a few feet away. I could tell from his expression he knew I wasn't thrilled to see him.

"Well...I do live here..." he responded in a cavalier manner. Him trying to make a joke right now was not going over well with me. His tone cut me the wrong way. He hasn't been here for days!

"You could have fooled me.." I replied shortly to him and went to walk back to the house. He ran up and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Alright...I get it....I'm a piece of shit Brian!" he told me as I pushed his hand off me. I turned to face him. My anger on full display.

"You know what...this time I'm inclined to agree with you Rog....you are a piece of shit right now!" His face registered surprise that I didn't try to counter his words. I hate it when he refers to himself this way but this time I feel like he really is acting like it. Roger seemed to struggle with what to say next. I didn't care to give him any more of my time right now so I began walking to the house again. I got a few feet and he grabbed me again.

"I am and you deserve so much better..." he answered. Oh! I have to admit that he is right.

"You are right! I do deserve better...which is why I'm not interested in listening to anymore of your crap!" I informed him and turned again to try and go inside. Roger put his hand on me again and this time I was fed up. I turned and shoved him away from me. "Stop touching me!" I told him as I turned again to reach for the door.

"I just need you to stop and listen to me..." he pleaded. I had my hand on the door handle and kept it there. I was going to say my peace and then go to bed. 

"Stop and listen to what Rog?" I asked him incredulously. I raised my hands up in frustration and anger. "For you to tell me how sorry you are that keep doing the same things over and over again despite the pain it causes me? That I am supposed to forgive you?" I barked at him. "I seem to recall the last time we had this conversation, after I forgave you..do you remember what you said to me?" I asked him. Roger looked confused for a minute and then his face became sullen. It was clear he remembered. "You made me promise not to forget because you wouldn't..." I verbalized the memory for us both. "So here I am Rog! Keeping my promise!" I stated to him in a loud voice. He almost cringed at the words but worked to keep himself together. But I am not finished. "So I guess your promise was forgotten, huh?" I pointed out. 

"Brian...I need you to know that I realize now I was probably flirting with her and I wasn't aware of it..." Roger tried to throw back to me. I couldn't believe this was his response.

"I think you should have left off the word 'probably'.." I told him in a condescending manner. "And I guess you flirt so much that you aren't even aware you do it now? Is that it?" I questioned to him. Roger seemed to regret his choice of words. I didn't because it made me realize how angry I am at him and how much I need to get off my chest. 

"Honest Brian!...I didn't know I was doing it! Deaks and Freddie told me I was....I really didn't know....I'm sorry!" he argued back and I thought for a minute he was going to start crying. While this normally would tug at my heart it just steeled my resolve.

"So you wouldn't believe me and then behaved like a complete shit but you believed them, huh?" I countered. Roger looked contrite but I don't care. "Do you know how it feels when I have to stand there and watch you flirt like that?" I asked him. "To see you stand there and lean in close to her and offer her a cigarette and bat your fucking perfect eyelashes at her!" I didn't wait for him to answer as I was sure he doesn't know. "It hits me right here!" I barked and pointed at my heart. "It tears at my heart and makes me question how you really feel about me.." I explained to him. "And then it moves to my fucking head Roger!" I said in a louder voice. I felt my grip on self control falling away but I was too far gone in my unloading of all my angst about him. I pointed to my head. "It feeds all my dark thoughts and makes me question my sense of self worth..." I am unraveling in front of him and I just don't care. "And to make it worse...you have her fucking call you at the studio!" I reminded him. Roger walked towards me with his arms up in surrender.

"Brian...you have to believe me...I never spoke with her except those two times backstage at the concert...I have no idea why she called the studio...please...believe me!" he begged and seemed quite sincere. But I do know why she called. Because he flirted with her and led her to believe she can pursue him. That is why.

"Let me tell you why she called you Roger.." I told him as I tried to calm my voice and my volume. "She called because your behavior that day backstage told her she could.." I clarified to him. "You led her on!" I declared to him. Roger shook his head at me and almost seemed despondent.

"But I didn't mean to....I told you I wasn't aware of what I was doing.." he pleaded to me again. "Trust me! I am aware of it now and I won't do it again!" he tried to convince me.

"I'm not as confident in those words as I used to be..." I replied with resignation. "I don't know if I want to trust you with my heart anymore..." I confessed to him. Roger's face dropped and he shook his head at me.

"You can't do this Brian...you can't.." he told me with anguish in his voice. My stomach churned with a nauseous feeling. I realized I am at the moment of truth. What do I do? Roger ran his hand through his hair and I saw tears form in his eyes. He looked me in the eyes with an expression of absolute sorrow. "I will do whatever you want...but please don't give up on us...you are my whole fucking world Brian....I love you so much and I don't know how to live without you...and I don't want to...please!" he pleaded. Roger dropped to his knees which made my heart hurt. He clasped his hands together and looked up at me with the most humility I have ever seen him exhibit. "Tell me what to do....tell me what I need to do to fix this....I beg you!" I hate him right now! I hate that he is being so damn humble and penitent. The only time he ever acted like this before was the one time he attacked me. I struggled with what my heart and my head told me to do. I want nothing more than to tell him it is over and that I won't risk my heart any longer. But when I look at him I know I would be absolutely miserable without him. He is far from perfect but so am I. The one thing that is clear is that we have work to do so we don't end up back here again. That I can't do anymore. I exhaled deeply and looked down at my husband.

"Fine! I will give this one more shot!" I surrendered to my heart and felt like I might really be the fool I told myself I was earlier today. "But we are doing things differently..." I told him firmly. Roger's face lit up and he nodded to me.

"Yes...we'll do it differently..." he agreed and seem relieved I was willing to try. 

"First off....we need to see Mack together for a while....because we can't keep repeating this.." I explained to him. Roger looked agreeable as he continued kneeling in front of me. 

"I will do it!" he said eagerly. I felt some satisfaction that he is willing to do this. If not, this would probably be the end. 

"And I don't think I want you in my bed....I am still really angry at you.." I informed him. Roger frowned for a moment.

"I understand..." he told me with resignation. I couldn't deal with him kneeling anymore and gestured for him to stand up. He quickly got to his feet. I sighed as I turned back towards the door and opened it. We both went inside and I suddenly realized the racket we had made outside.

"I hope we didn't wake Clare or the baby..." I whispered as Roger came up and slipped his arms around my waist and held me tight from behind. Part of me was annoyed at his tactic and another part savored the feel of his body next to mine. Why does this have to be so difficult?

"I'm so sorry Bri!.." he told me quietly. Much calmer than before. "Thank you for giving me another chance..." I fought with myself over whether to pry his hands off me or to enjoy the moment. I gave in and stood there and placed my hand over his that were covering my stomach.

"I love you Rog....I just wish you didn't make it so hard sometimes..." I responded and patted his hand. I began to feel exhausted from the day and from lack of sleep. I pulled his hands away. "Sorry...but I need to get some sleep..." I told him as I slipped out of his grasp and made my way to the stairs. 

"I love you too Bri..." he told me as I climbed the stairs and prayed I wasn't making a huge mistake.

\---------------------  
I guess knowing where we stood helped me sleep. When my head hit my pillow I was out. I don't think I managed to move until I woke the next day. My bed remained empty which left me with mixed emotions as I got up to use the toilet. I washed up and slipped my robe on and glanced at the clock. It was already after 9 am. Shit! We had to be at the studio in less than an hour and had the drive into town ahead of us. I rushed from my bedroom down the hall to the guest room. I opened the door and was surprised to find the bed was empty. As a matter of fact, no one had slept here. The bed was still made and nothing was disturbed. I considered the fact that Roger may have slept on the couch. I heard a noise in Tiger Lily's room and walked to the open door. I looked inside and couldn't help the smile that spread on my face. Roger was sound asleep in her princess bed. I walked in to the room and got next to his side of her bed. He was covered up with her pink duvet and his head was nestled into her fancy pillows. He looked so cute! I pondered going to get my camera but we have to get to the studio. I leaned down and shook Roger's shoulder. 

"Rog...wake up...we're going to be late..." I said loudly to make sure he heard me. Roger jumped a bit but quickly opened his eyes and sat up.

"What time is it?" he asked me. 

"It's already after 9.." I informed him as I began walking from the room. "Get a move on..." I told him as I rushed to get dressed. We both made our way downstairs in short measure and I walked quickly into the kitchen. Clare was tidying up from breakfast. 

"Morning Clare...we're late.." I announced as I came through the entryway. I walked up and kissed her cheek. She smiled at me.

"We? Alright..." she answered with a curious expression.

"Roger's here..." I informed her. She grinned at me. I grabbed some fruit from the bowl we keep on the counter and tossed it in my day bag. Tiger Lily was playing in the corner where her kitchen set is. She turned when she heard me. 

"Brimi!" she smiled up at me as I dropped my bag and bent down to kiss her.

"Morning poppet....I'm so sorry but we're running late...I only have time for a kiss.." I explained to her as I kissed her cheek and ruffled her messy hair. She got up from the floor and reached up to me. I couldn't resist and picked her up for a moment as Roger rushed in pulling on a jacket. He rushed over to Clare. Clare had a stern look for him.

"Morning Bear..." he told her as he walked up and gave her a hug and a kiss. "I know...I know...I'm already in the dog house with Bri....you as well?" he asked her. She nodded to him as he grabbed some fruit for himself.

"You only called once Roger....you bet you're in the dog house.." she informed him as he came up to me and I handed Tiger Lily over to him.

"Papa...." she told him softly as she wrapped her little arms around his neck and hugged him. He pressed her close and kissed her.

"Thanks for sharing your bed princess.." he told her in a sweet manner as he hugged her and twisted his body from side to side as he held her. "You are my best girl..." he said as he made a sound of frustration and went to set her on her feet. "I'm so sorry...but we have to go..." he told Tigs and she began to cry and hopped up and down by bending her knees and proceeded to throw a fit.

"Papa...no!" she told him. My heart ached because I know she is acting like this because she missed him. Roger looked torn about leaving her and so did I. I wasn't sure if she heard us shouting last night or even several nights ago. It bothered me that she might have woke up to it. I had an idea.

"Rog...stay for breakfast and I will tell the others know you'll be there soon...alright?" I suggested. Roger nodded and picked Tiger Lily back up. I leaned down to kiss her again. She was calming down.

"Papa's going to stay for bit...but I need to go...kiss me goodbye poppet.." I told her in my sweetest possible voice. Roger leaned her towards me and I smooched her as our lips met. I walked to the door. "Bye baby..." I told her.

"I need to drop Jo's car off first and I'll meet you at the studio.." he told me as I opened the door. I turned to look at him and Tiger Lily. She had already calmed down and was hugging his neck again. Clare looked happy that I had suggested he stay. "Thanks Bri.....for everything.." he told me. I nodded to him and glanced back at Clare. 

"See you tonight..." 

\------------------------ 

"So what is the deal with you two?" Freddie asked me when I arrived 20 minutes late. I apologized for my tardiness and explained Roger would be in later. I sat down on the stool in the recording booth and grabbed the banana I had tossed in my bag. My stomach was growling as I peeled it and explained the situation.

"We had a fight because I caught him flirting with that Dominique woman from Richard Branson's office..." I replied. "It got quite heated and Roger left..." Freddie looked alarmed at Roger's leaving. 

"Yeah...we both told him we saw him flirting with her...he denied it at first.." Deacy informed me as he sipped his morning tea. "And he threw his tambourine against the wall for good measure.." Deacy told me and pointed with his cup towards the wall. I looked and saw a mark where it hit. I wasn't surprised at his blow up. Roger's temper had flared and it was easy to get him going.

"Sorry about that..." I replied sheepishly. Freddie scoffed.

"Brian darling...I believe he was the one who did the throwing...not you.." he reminded me. I shook my head.

"I got him all riled up.." I countered. Freddie walked over and patted my shoulder.

"Don't make excuses for his tantrum Brian..." Freddie scolded me. "Roger's temper is his own..." I nodded agreement and took a bite of my banana. It tasted heavenly as I am pretty hungry. 

"So did you two settle things?" Deacy asked me. I finished eating and shook my head.

"Not entirely...he came home last night and begged me to give him another chance...against my better judgement I am...but I insisted we have to see my therapist for counseling.." I explained to them. Freddie and Deacy shared a look of surprise at my news. 

"So..how does that work?" Deacy asked. "Is he going to still live at your house?" he asked me with curiosity. 

"He stayed last night but I'm not letting him back in the bedroom for the time being.." Freddie drew an amused grin and leaned into me.

"Careful you don't deny him your bed for too long.." Freddie warned me. I shook my head.

"Roger swore he wasn't going to flirt or cheat..." I assured him. He and Deacy exchanged another look. I felt I needed to say something more. "He got on his knees and begged me to take him back....he told me he wouldn't flirt again.." I argued. 

"Now that is a sight I would have loved to see!" Freddie snickered and he and Deacy shared a laugh. I was being serious and didn't understand the humor they saw in it. 

"Guys...I'm being serious...we almost ended our relationship...our marriage!" I told them both. They switched off the laughter and looked regretful. 

"Sorry Brian...I didn't know it was that serious....we just thought Rog was over-reacting..." Deacy replied in timid voice. "I hope things work out for you..." he added with his sweet nature poking through. I smiled as best I could.

"Thanks Deaks.." I told him. "Look...when he gets here can we not talk about it?" I asked them both. "I just want to stay busy and focus on getting the album finished..." they both nodded quietly.

"Sure Bri...whatever you need..." Freddie responded and patted my arm before he moved over to the vocal microphone. "Since we're waiting on blondie....I guess I'll do another run at the vocal for Teo Torriate..." Freddie suggested. I smiled at his improvisation with our work schedule since Roger wasn't here to help sing backup yet. Deacy stood up to leave the room and walked to the recording booth. I kept my seat to watch Freddie work his magic from the piano bench. 

\----------------------------

Roger's POV

The second Brian was out the door my sister laid into me. I guess I deserve it. I watched my daughter eat a snack while my sister made me some fried eggs and bacon and bitched at me the entire time. 

"Roger Meddows Taylor...I am going to say this to you one time and you better listen.." she began. She stood at the stove and gestured at me with her spatula as she cooked my bacon and fried eggs. Her tone was abrupt and her pointing was quite aggressive. "I don't know exactly what you did..but you better fix this situation with Brian..." Clare informed me. She stopped to move the bacon around in the skillet and resumed looking at me with a scowl on her face.

"I am working on it...I promise..." I tried to assure her. She looked unconvinced.

"I am pregnant with his child Roger! There is no deciding you don't want to be with him anymore and there is no screwing things up because you are an idiot!" she barked at me. "We are all in this for keeps!" Clare looked indignant as she scooped the bacon onto a plate and cracked two eggs open into the skillet. She is right. Neither of us can walk away at this juncture. We are bound by too many things. Both Tiger Lily and the impending baby being the most important. Queen is a close second.

"We will work it out...I swear it!" I answered. "I screwed up but he already told me he would give me another chance...." I added to make her see it would be alright. She got a curious look on her face.

"I want to know....what did you do this time?" she asked me. I don't want to tell her but I figured she would find out at some point anyway. I was certain Brian wouldn't say anything because he always tries to keep these things between us. I sighed before answering.

"I flirted with this woman in front of him..." I mumbled to her as I focused my gaze on my daughter in her high chair. I didn't want to see her reaction. I didn't need to see her face to know how she felt.

"Roger Taylor!" she yelled and her face was red as she stormed over to me and whacked the side of my head with her oven mitt. Tiger Lily looked up at her in confusion as I tried to move my head out of the way.

"Shit! Clare! Stop it!" I told her as she continued swatting me with it.

"No! You stop! Stop doing shit to screw your marriage up Roger!" she whacked me hard one more time before she huffed at me and walked back over to her pan. 

"Stop!" Tiger Lily shouted at me; mimicking my sister. Great! Now she is bitching at me too!

"I know I screwed up...okay?" I told them both with a pleading tone. "I'm home to stay and things will get sorted out...I promise..." I explained to them. "I am going to take Jo's car back to her after I eat and then after work I'll be home with Brian....we are going to see Mack together to work this all out..." Clare watched me as I tried to assure her. She turned to finish my eggs and I pondered asking her to make me some toast. I figured I should probably get it myself and walked over to the bread box.

"Brian is one of the good ones Rog! You probably won't ever find anyone better...you hear me?" she said to me in a motherly fashion. "So don't mess up the best thing in your life dear brother...and quit hurting him..." she said to me with heavy emotion. I watched as tears spilled from my sister's eyes and I felt like a complete shit for making her cry. She walked towards me with the tears pouring out of her face and shoved my food plate in my hand. "I need to go have a good cry...so watch her for me.." she told me as she wiped at her tears with her hand.

"Clare...I'm such a total shit...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to upset you...I'm so sorry.." I told her sincerely. She sniffed and wiped her face again.

"I'm hormonal these days so you best remember that if you don't want to set me off..." she reminded me and walked out of the kitchen.

\-----------------------

I took the car to Jo's place, and after providing a quick summary of events to her and a return of her car keys, I grabbed a taxi to the studio. I arrived to find Freddie in the recording booth working on his song 'Take My Breath Away.' The others weren't with him. I tapped Mike's shoulder.

"Hey Mike...sorry I'm late..." I told him. "Where are the others?" I asked him. Mike pointed at the door.

"Freddie got the notion to work on his track so they decided to go run some errand.." he explained. I sat down and watched Freddie sing his vocal harmonies while I waited for Brian and Deacy to return. His focus on getting each harmony part perfect was admirable. He is so dedicated to his craft. The telephone in the room rang. I picked it up since Mike was busy with Freddie.

"Hello.."

"I have a guest at the front desk for Roger Taylor..." the receptionist informed me. I wasn't expecting anyone. 

"Who is it?" I asked.

"She said her name is Dominique..." she answered. My stomach churned when I heard her name. Fuck! I wanted to tell the receptionist to lie and say I wasn't here. I realized that she would probably come back so I decided to deal with the problem. I created it so I need to resolve it.

"Tell her to wait there...I'm coming.." I replied and hung up the phone. Mike was focused so I quietly left the room and walked to the lobby. I felt bad about leading her on and steeled myself to explain that I am taken and apologize for my behavior. I arrived in the lobby to find her standing there wearing a beautiful cashmere coat and riding boots. She looked ultra chic and I my stomach flipped at the sight of her. Maybe I am attracted to her and I didn't realize it? I swallowed my feelings and walked straight towards her.

"Hi!" I told her and held out my hand to her. She shook it and remained close to me.

"It's lovely to see you Roger...I hope it's okay I stopped by.." she told me in her gorgeous French accent. She smiled at me and I tried to find a way to put some space between us. I reached behind my head to pretend to scratch and casually took a step back from her.

"It's fine...what brings you here?" I asked her. She slipped her hand inside her pocket and pulled out a business card. She handed it to me. I looked down and saw it was for a car dealer.

"I wanted to give you the card for the car dealer that Richard used to buy his Rover.." she told me. "You seemed keen on getting one so I wanted you to have this.." she explained in her thick accent. 

"Right...thanks...I appreciate it..." I told her. I guess I misunderstood and this was a friendly visit to give me a referral. I was happy that was all it turned out to be. I smiled at her and kept the card in my hand. She looked at me and smiled again.

"And I wanted to give you my number in case you might be interested in meeting for a drink or dinner sometime.." she told me and reached over and turned the business card over to show her name and telephone number written on the back of the card. I guess I did lead her on. Shit!

"Dom...thanks for bringing me the card..I do appreciate it...the thing is...I need to tell you...well...I'm taken..." I told her in a forthright manner. She looked disappointed.

"So what...you have a girlfriend or something?" she asked me. I nodded to her. 

"I do have someone and it's pretty serious..." I explained. Her expression softened and she took on the expression on someone who doesn't like the word 'no.'

"Oh come on Roger...surely you could meet for for a drink...there is no harm in that.." she purred to me. I realized I am an idiot because she is flirting with me and doing some of the same things I do. Why didn't I notice it before? I really owed Brian a huge apology. I shook my head.

"Actually...there is harm in that because I love them and I don't ever want to hurt them.." I explained in complete honesty. Dom looked at me with a touch of sweetness in in her expression.

"Now I'm even more charmed by you Roger Taylor..." she told me. "I admire your loyalty to this woman...she must be something special..." she said to me. Before I could answer her the door to the studio opened and Brian and Deacy walked in. Their mouths fell open when they saw who was standing next to me. Brian turned to walk back out the door.

"No... Brian! I told her I'm not interested..." I explained to him as he held the door halfway open. Dom looked surprised and turned to look at Brian. I know the look on his face told her exactly what my situation is. Who we are to each other. She turned back to look at me. "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression the other day...but I am in a relationship and I am completely and hopelessly in love with them.." I explained. Brian closed the door and stood there watching our exchange with nervousness. Dominique looked over at him again and Brian lowered his eyes from her gaze. She turned back to me.

"Tell your special someone they are a lucky man..." she stated boldly and turned to walk to the door. Brian and Deacy quickly shuffled out of her way. She glided across the floor to the door and stopped in front of Brian as he darted his eyes between me and her. 

"My apologies..." she said to him sincerely and slipped out the door. 

\-------------------------

Later than night

"I've got it!" I told Brian as I slipped into the car with two plastic bags filled with Chinese takeaway. Brian pulled out into traffic as we headed home. We had called Clare to tell her we had an early night of it at work and she said she was craving Chinese food. We don't have a takeaway in the village so we stopped at her favorite place in Fulham and grabbed all the items she loves. We grabbed food for ourselves as well. I was pretty hungry. Brian got on the motorway and I turned on the radio to find something to pass the time.

"Clare will be happy she doesn't have to cook tonight.." Brian told me as he watched the road. It felt odd to be in the passenger seat but he said we needed to do things differently and he walked to the driver's side of the car when we left the studio. I almost told him no but realized I had to accept some changes in my life.

"And no dishes!" I added to his comment. We smiled at each other for the first time in days. It felt good to see a genuine smile as he looked at me. 

"You think Dominique knows about us?" Brian blurted out at me. I laughed and leaned back in my seat as I watched Brian merge onto the A3. I wasn't sure if he was really asking me or just making an observation about the obvious.

"I'm pretty fucking sure she does...yeah..." I replied as Brian grinned broadly. He was silent after that and I chalked it up to him thinking about everything that has happened the past week. I felt tired when we arrived home but did enjoy the food we brought. Tiger Lily had already gone to bed so we relaxed and drank some wine as we ate and watched Clare pig out on her favorite dishes.

"I'm beat!" I declared as I picked up my dishes and walked them to the sink. "Leave the dishes...I'll do them in the morning.." I told them both. I stretched and turned to them. "Good night..." I said and headed out of the kitchen. I went to my bedroom to grab some pajamas and prepared to go to the guest bedroom. Brian came into the doorway and stood there and leaned against the door frame.

"Is it true? What you said?" Brian asked me as I walked his way. I was confused by his words.

"What do you mean?"

"That you are completely and hopelessly in love with me?" he said to me tentatively. I could tell he wasn't sure if it was a line I gave Dominique to get rid of her or if I really meant it. I did mean it.

"I spoke the truth Bri..." I said to him with completely honesty. Brian formed the warmest smile on his face and he almost beamed. Not quite. He tried to hide how it made him feel but I saw it. "Well...good night..." I told him and moved to get him out of the way so I could head to bed. Brian held his arm out to stop me.

"I think you can sleep here..." he told me casually as he moved out of my way and walked to the dresser. I tried not to show how happy this made me as I used our shared bathroom and then climbed into my side of the bed. It felt good to be home and even better to be sharing this bed with him. I got settled in and knew I would sleep better tonight than I had for days. Brian got in next to me and I leaned over to kiss him goodnight. He put his hand out to stop me. "Baby steps Rog..." he reminded me. I nodded and backed away and laid my head down and closed my eyes. Brian set the alarm and settled down to sleep. I really wanted a kiss from him but knew we would get there in good time. I turned to lay on my back and thought about our work schedule for the rest of the week. I smiled when I realized I knew how to get my kiss.

\------------------------------

23rd September 1976

"Hey Mike...can you put on my tape for 'Drowse?' " I asked him as soon as Brian left the studio to go to the toilet. Mike nodded and got up and went to the bin for the tape. He got it set up on the machine and turned to look at me.

"Are we making any changes?" he asked me. I shook my head. 

"Are there any headphones in here?" I asked as I looked around the room. He pointed to a drawer so I opened it and grabbed the pair laying inside. I went over and plugged them in.

"Are you trying to check the levels on your secret message?" he asked me with a wink. I smiled at him.

"I'm going to show Brian today....he doesn't know about it yet..." I revealed to him. Mike got a smug grin on his face as he watched me put them on and I started playing it. I fast forwarded the tape to the end so I could make sure I had the volume set where he could hear it. I finished and was rewinding the tape when Brian returned. 

"Whatcha doin?" he said to me in a goofy voice. I smiled widely at him and waived him over.

"I need you to listen to this whole tape and not say a word until it's finished..." I explained to him. Brian shrugged and sat down and took the headphones from me. Mike stood up and left the room. I know he was giving me some privacy and I appreciated it. Brian watched him leave and looked curious as I switched the tape on. "I added something to the end and I want you to hear it..." I told him. He nodded and closed his eyes as he listened to my song. I sat and watched him and found his inability to not move his hands endearing. They seemed compelled to play his guitar part as he listened. I couldn't help the smile it gave me. I knew the song was nearing the end by his face and sat in anticipation. I could tell he was listening intently and was certain he was deciphering my words. I leaned forward in my chair next to his when his face registered surprise and then delight. The light in his eyes was everything I hoped for as he smiled widely as he reached over and turned off the machine. He pulled the headphones from his hair and then fluffed it momentarily.

"Well? What did you think?" I asked him gently as we gazed at each other. Brian leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I smiled against his kiss and he chuckled at me as he pulled back.

"I like you too..."


	81. A Day At The Races - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder - I don't include any technology that wasn't in existence at the time of the story. No ultrasound machines! Enjoy!

25 September 1976

London/Surrey

Brian's POV

"You're right at 12 weeks..." Dr. Larsen advised as she examined Clare. I sat in the chair in the small exam room with my notebook open to make notes and watched as the doctor set up the machine to listen to the baby's heartbeat. "Now...we should be able to find a heartbeat today...but not always.." I know the doctor was setting the right expectation. I still had butterflies in my stomach as she began running the wand over Clare's exposed abdomen. Her flat tummy had disappeared a few weeks ago and now had the appearance of looking swollen. When I saw the doctor move the wand over her it was evident it is more than swelling. The doctor smiled and stopped moving. "I think I've got it!" she exclaimed and reached over and turned the volume up. The room filled with the rhythmic sound of the heartbeat. My own heartbeat sped up as I heard my baby for the first time. I almost couldn't close my mouth because my smile was so wide. Clare turned her head to look at me and had an excited grin.

"Isn't it amazing?" I asked her. She nodded eagerly at me. I couldn't help myself and set my notebook down and walked over to her. "Oh Clare! It's the most beautiful sound.." I told her as I stood by her head and took one of her hands. The doctor smiled at us both.

"It sounds perfect...about 150 beats per minute..." she observed. Too soon she pulled the wand away and the magical sound of my baby disappeared. The doctor walked over to the counter to lay down the equipment and make some notes.

"This is so real now!" I told her excitedly and gently squeezed her hand. Clare and I shared an exuberant expression. 

"It it real.. trust me!" Clare joked as she let go of my hand and reached down to close her jeans up. "The morning sickness and the weird cravings remind me it is real..." she remarked.

"We are all done for today....don't forget to schedule your next appointment.." Dr. Larsen told Clare as I gave her my hand to help her sit up on the exam table. I kept hold of her hand for appearances and because I am really happy. "Any questions before you leave?" she asked us both. I actually didn't have any at this point. 

"I know it seems old hat these days...but what do you think about midwives and home births?" Clare asked the doctor. I was really surprised by her question. The doctor smiled at her.

"I think if you have a normal pregnancy and no complications...a home birth should still be a viable option...you are young and in good health....is this something you are interested in?" Dr. Larsen asked her. Clare shrugged at the doctor.

"I read about it and I ask my Mum what it was like....she had my brother at home but had me in hospital....she said both had their pluses and drawbacks.." Clare remarked to her. The doctor nodded agreement.

"If you are serious about it...I recommend you decide no later than the end of the your second trimester.." the doctor explained. "We do have a private midwife service if you are interested.." Dr. Larsen walked to the room door. "Let me get you the information I have about it.." she told us and left the room. 

"I didn't know you are interested in a home birth..." I said to her as she got off the table and went to put her coat on. 

"I want to weigh all my options...and if it's not much different pain wise...then I wouldn't mind it so you and Rog can have a better experience when the baby comes.." she told me sweetly. My heart burst at her intentions. I pulled her into a hug and kissed her cheek. 

"I don't know how I got so lucky Clare..." I told her as I embraced her. "You are such an amazing woman...thank you so much for always considering us in your decisions.." I smiled and held her close as the doctor walked back in. She smiled warmly at our affection. 

"I'm glad to see you both so happy about how things are progressing..." Dr. Larsen said to us both. She held out the material she had mentioned. I let go of Claire and she took it from the doctor.

"Thanks Doctor....I'll look it over right away.." she replied. We left the room and Clare scheduled her follow up for a month. I jotted the date in my notebook and we headed for the car. 

"What would you like for lunch? All of London is yours.." I announced to her. Clare looked thrilled at the prospect of any type of food she desires. There are limited options in our nearby villages. 

"I have to admit...I'm dying to have an ice cream sundae..." she confessed. We both laughed at the prospect of having ice cream for lunch but I nodded agreement.

"There's no meat in ice cream...so it works for me..." I responded. We got in the car and headed for the ice cream shop I knew about in Mayfair. We both enjoyed double scoop sundaes before we headed for Notting Hill to go to Sarm West studio. 

\---------------------- 

29th September 1976

"So we have finalized plans for the racetrack promotional day set for the 16th...let me know what guests you want invited and I will get them on the list.." John Reid told us all. We were meeting with him to go over the schedule for the rest of our recording and mixing and our planned promotions for our new album. A large placard showing our finalized album cover art sat on an easel at the front of the table. Since this record was a follow-up to 'A Night At The Opera,' we had decided on the name 'A Day At The Races' in a continued nod to the Marx Brothers.

"I'll only be bringing Mary.." Freddie informed Reid. He jotted down her name as Deacy spoke up.

"Put Ronnie down for me...that's all.." Deacy advised. Reid nodded as he wrote. 

"I'll be bringing Clare.." I announced. Freddie smirked at me and Deacy grinned as well.

"Jo will be my date.." Roger added. I shared a knowing smile with Rog as Reid finished writing.

"So...that's one wife and three beards.." Reid teased as he winked at us all. We all broke out laughing at his reference to our 'fake dates' with the ladies. 

"By the looks of Brian these days...you might toss him in as well.." Deacy commented and everyone chuckled at me as I rubbed my hairy jawline. We've been so busy and between all the drama of late with Rog, I haven't slept as well and began skipping shaving in the morning to remain in bed. It didn't take long before I was sporting a full beard. I smiled at the teasing but felt tired. It had been difficult to focus at the meeting despite my excitement. Reid carried on advising us about some other appearances he wanted us to make in the next eight weeks leading up to the album release. Freddie was touted for an appearance on Kenny Everett's Capital One radio program in early December. Roger was slated to appear on Saturday Scene with Sally James near the release date as well. He had been on her show once before promoting our last record. It was the first time he appeared alone on television and was asked about Tiger Lily. I remembered what a tense time that was in our lives as I tried to listen to the other details Reid gave us. I heard some mention of a radio interview and my own name. I glanced at the schedule print out in front of me and circled my interview. The meeting went on and all I could think about was taking a nap. I know I'm not looking my best right now and ran my hand over my beard again as Gerry Stickell began speaking about tour dates for next year.

"We have a tentative touring schedule that begins earlier in January that you've done in the past..." he explained as he handed us a mock up of a U.S. tour plan. I looked at it as he talked. "We have to wrap it up earlier next year because someone had to have a baby in the Spring and ruin our plans.." Gerry was looking my way as he spoke. I smiled at his reference to me.

"Sorry mates..." I responded and smirked at everyone. They all laughed as they know I'm not a bit sorry. Deacy threw a wadded up piece of paper at me. 

"Who decided Beardy runs the show? Mmm?" Freddie teased. I laughed along with the others as Freddie winked at me. It felt good to have the support of everyone and their excitement for our future. I had to fight off a yawn as Reid wrapped the meeting up. We finally stood up to leave and I stretched to try and wake myself up. 

"See you tomorrow.." Deacy announced as he left the room. 

"Bye Deaks.." I replied. Freddie waived to him as he spoke with Reid. I shuffled my papers together and felt something tickle me when I bent over to get my documents. Roger had stuck his finger on my bare waist as I bent over.

"Stop it!" I told him as I tried to get his hand away from me. He laughed as he withdrew his hand.

"Just trying to wake you up...you look like you could doze off at any moment.." he remarked as he grabbed his things. I nodded at him as we walked out of the room. "Want me to drive?" he asked as we left the office and walked to the car park. I fought off another yawn but the cool air outside helped perk me up.

"Would you mind?" I asked him. He smiled and nodded as we got in the car and headed home. It was a sunny day and the car interior felt a bit warm from the sun coming through the windscreen. It made me drowsy and I nodded off as we drove home. I wasn't great company either as we had dinner. My mind was filled with everything that had taken place recently. I was tired but knew if I didn't sort out my head I wouldn't sleep. Roger, Clare and Tiger Lily watched television while I went to our music room and played around on the piano. I felt the stirring of some lyrics inside me so I got up and went to my study and grabbed my songwriting notebook. I found a fresh page and wrote down the words that came to me.

It started off so well  
They said we made a perfect pair  
I clothed myself in your glory and your love  
How I loved you  
How I cried  
The years of care and loyalty  
Were nothing but a sham it seems  
The years belie we lived a lie  
I love you till I die  
Save me save me save me  
I can't face this life alone  
Save me save me save me  
I'm naked and I'm far from home

I couldn't think of what else to write and left it for now. As I read over my writing I got emotional. I knew instinctively these words were really about the time when I took all those pills. I had never been able to get this out before in lyric form, but with the time that has passed for perspective and the recent blow up with Roger, the feelings surfaced again. I felt heavy from reading it and decided to go to bed early. I hoped for some solid sleep. I turned out the light in my study and went to say goodnight. Tiger Lily was asleep in Roger's lap.

"Hey...I'm going to bed...I'm knackered..." I told them as I lingered in the entryway. Clare nodded understanding and Roger looked surprised.

"You okay?" he asked me with concern in his voice. I nodded to him and tried to find a smile.

"Just tired...goodnight..." I responded and headed out of the room. I went upstairs and made quick work of getting ready for bed. I recalled how well I slept that first night Roger was back but had been plagued with insomnia ever since. I slid under the covers in bed and planned to fall asleep right away. Everything was warm and comfortable so I hoped for the best. But I felt betrayed as I laid there and was physically drained but wide awake. My mind wouldn't switch off and the words I had written downstairs flooded my brain. I got emotional again between the memories that brought about the lyrics I wrote earlier and how much I craved some real sleep. A single tear left my eye and slid down my face. I wiped it away and sighed to myself as I accepted another sleepless night.

Roger came into our room later and tried to be quiet; believing I am asleep. I listened as he readied himself for bed and kept my eyes closed as he got settled under the bedclothes. I was laying on my back and felt him slide over and rest his head on my chest and lay his hand on my stomach. His weight and warmth are comforting.

"You're wide awake...aren't you?" Roger asked me quietly as he remained on my chest.

"Yeah...." I replied honestly. Roger sighed audibly.

"Bri...have you slept at all lately?" he asked as he shifted off of me and I opened my eyes. "And don't lie to me because I can see it in your face.." he revealed to me. I knew it was pointless to downplay it at this point.

"No...I've not had much sleep since you came home.." I admitted.

"You're taking your medications...right?" he checked. I nodded despite it being dark in the room.

"Yeah...it seems like it doesn't work as well as it used to..." I remarked as Roger ran his hand up and down my arm. 

"We've got Mack tomorrow...you need to tell him..." Roger reminded me. He is right. I need to see what he thinks. Roger took my hand and began pulling me up. "Come with me..." I let him drag me from the bed and he led me to the bathroom. He sat me on the toilet.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he knelt over the tub. He turned the water on and grabbed a bottle of bubble bath. 

"Drawing you a nice warm bath..." he told me and turned around and reached for my pajama top. "It might help you sleep..." he suggested. I was willing to try and pulled my clothes off as he checked the water with his hand.

"Worth a try I guess.." I told him as I walked over and stepped into the tub. The water was the perfect temperature. I sat down and enjoyed the soothing quality of floating in the warm sudsy liquid. I laid back and closed my eyes. "This is nice....thanks.." I told Roger. He got up and I realized he turned the light out. He lit a candle and placed it on a shelf.

"Maybe you should look into that meditation thing The Beatles did..." Roger spoke to me in a soft voice as he sat down by the tub. "I hear George still does it.." he commented. I recalled reading about their time with the Maharishi and extolling the virtues of transcendental meditation. 

"Well...we see Paul McCartney in a few days...maybe I'll ask him about it.." I told him with hint of disbelief we are going to meet him. Roger had been ecstatic when I showed him the invitation.

"And to think they invited us to go together...like it's almost a real date.." Roger remarked to me as I smiled thinking about the upcoming event. "You need some sleep so you look your best...and you should probably shave.." Roger suggested to me. I nodded to him.

"I will...don't worry.." I answered as I felt my body relax. We both sat in silence for a while and I could only hear myself breathing. Sitting in the dark floating in the warm water with Roger speaking softly to me was lulling me into a sleepy state. My eyes felt heavy and I pondered falling asleep in the bath. "Sleepy.." I mumbled to Roger. He leaned over and opened the drain for the tub. He took my hand. 

"C'mon then.." he said gently and helped me stand up in the tub. I felt him wrap a towel around me and I got out of the bath. I got my body dried off and Roger handed me my pajamas back. I put them on and headed back to bed. The room was still dark as I climbed back under the covers. I did have a heavy drowsy feeling and it held the promise of real sleep. Roger pulled my blanket up over my shoulder and leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Love you babe...sweet dreams.." he whispered to me. I closed my eyes and fell deep.

\---------------------------

I woke up and was amazed at how rested I felt. I could hear birds singing in the trees in our yard and the sun gently poked through our heavy curtains. I didn't mind it and savored my body being relaxed and loose. The fatigue I struggled with yesterday was almost gone. I was facing the window and turned to find Roger sitting up in bed writing something. His face had the look of deep focus and his tongue ran over his lips as he wrote.

"Hey.." I said to him in a lazy tone. He turned and smiled at me. His hair was sticking out in all directions and he looked frumpy and adorable.

"There you are sleepyhead...did you get some rest?" he asked me as he sat his writing down on his nightstand. I nodded as I went to sit up in bed.

"I did ...finally!" I answered as I shuffled my pillows and got comfortable. Roger placed his hand on my blanket covered thigh.

"I'm glad...you look better..." he observed and pulled some hair from my face. He then leaned over for a kiss. I welcomed it and kissed him back.

"Thanks for last night.." I told him gratefully. "The bath helped but so did you just being there..." Roger looked happy to hear this and I pulled him to me for another grateful kiss. It felt good to be with him. My anger about recent events had dissipated and we have both been trying to be considerate with each other. I glanced over Roger's shoulder and noticed the time. It was after 10! Shit! My eyes went wide and my stomach twisted with stress.

"Shit Rog! We're late!" I groaned as I went to move from the bed and get ready for the studio. Roger grabbed my arm.

"We're fine! I called and told them we couldn't make it today.." he informed me as he pulled me back towards him. I shook my head.

"We need to go....we have so much to do.." I reminded him. He held me in place.

"You need some rest Brian...I worry about you not getting enough sleep and with how busy we are...I just think you need a break today.." Roger smiled at me and reached over and brushed my hair out of my face again. He laughed gently. "Your hair is becoming a bit monstrous.." he remarked as he worked it back with his fingers. I laughed a little as well but enjoyed the feel of his care and his fingers running over my face and scalp. I missed being close with him. Between our schedules and falling out we haven't been that intimate lately. It just added to our tension. I reached over and took his face with my hand and pulled him closer. We kissed a little more and I could see this is something Roger definitely wanted. He ran his hand over my bearded jawline and his eyes were half closed.

"I want to.." I went to tell Roger but he interrupted me by smashing his mouth against mine. He practically climbed onto me as we kissed with heated passion. I put my arms around him as he straddled my legs and pushed his tongue past my lips. I let him inside my mouth and our tongues escalated our arousal.

"I need you so bad.." he murmured to me as I held Roger with my arms and moved him down on to his back on the bed as I climbed out of my blanket. I got my legs free and straddled across his thighs as I continued our deep kisses. I was bent down over him and took hold of both of his hands and pulled his arms above his head and held them there with one of my own hands. I used the other to grab his face by his jaw and kissed down from his mouth onto his soft supple neck as I turned his head. He tasted warm and wonderful as I nipped and licked across his jugular and adam's apple. I inhaled his essence as I showered him with kisses. "Oh...that beard...fuck!" Roger moaned at my actions and I could feel him melt into the mattress as I tended to his earlobes and back down to his shoulders. I let go of his face and reached down to tug at the hem of his shirt. Roger pulled his hands from my grip and helped me get his shirt off. He lifted up to make it easier and I took advantage and pulled at the waistband of his pajama pants to shove them down his legs. Roger managed to remove my shirt between kisses and I bent down and sucked on his beautiful flat nipple. I kissed and nibbled until it was hardened and Roger gasped when I bit at it a little too hard. "Fuck Bri!" he growled at me. I felt bad but he tasted so good.

"Sorry babe.." I grumbled as I let up and moved my mouth down his torso and pressed my lips into the softness of his tummy. The feel of it never failed to make me hard as a rock. "You feel so good.." I said in almost a whisper as I kept moving down his body. I teased him and pretended to go for his cock but moved my mouth to his hips and thighs. 

"Please!" Roger scolded me as I giggled and he pushed my head over his cock. I complied and took hold of the end and licked a stripe up the side of it. Roger's hips rolled in response and he buried his hand in my hair. "More..." he whined. I gingerly handled him as I licked all around his shaft and then ran my flattened tongue over the tip. "Better..." he told me as I opened my mouth and took him in. He felt warm and silky as I moved my tongue around and then began moving up and down on him. Roger sighed at the sensation and clenched his fingers in my hair. "So good..." he groaned. I focused on his pleasure and finally stopped to reach over to the nightstand and extract the lube. After wetting my fingers I resumed my work.

Roger's POV 

We are finally having sex! It felt like so long since we had done this. Brian's mouth was heaven as he sucked on my cock. I had a good grip on his hair and pressed my fingers into his scalp as my thighs clenched in pleasure. I eagerly spread my legs more as Brian began to slide a finger inside me. It was a welcome intrusion and the anticipation of a good pounding made my body tingle. I felt the early stirrings of an orgasm from Brian's attention and quickly pulled him off me. Brian smiled at me and then buried his face between my thighs and rubbed his bearded chin and cheeks against my tender skin. It tickled like mad and I laughed and shoved him away from my legs. He laughed too and gazed down at me with adoring eyes. He looked so much better than he did last night.

"Need a kiss.." I told him. Brian's mouth was warm and plump as he moved up and pressed his lips to mine. He remained diligent in opening me up as we kissed and I stroked his back and bottom. I couldn't wait to feel him inside me and lifted my hips up at the thought.

"Somebody's eager.." Brian teased. I pressed my arm into his back and lifted my legs up to go around his hips. Brian moved his mouth away from my lips and looked at my own eyes with sheer lust and gave me an opened mouthed grin. "Alright...alright..." he groaned. "I'll hurry it up!" Brian got three fingers inside me and buried them deep. He made contact with my prostate and my bottom came up from the bed. Now I really want it! 

"I'm ready..." I told him. "Use a lot of lube.." I wasn't totally ready but I couldn't take it any longer. I needed him in me. I needed to feel that connection to him that I only get when we are together like this. Knowing his love for me and his desire as well. Being totally his and feeling complete. My heart rate sped up as he slipped his fingers out of me and then focused on wetting his cock with some of the lubricant. Brian laid the tube aside and stroked himself loosely before returning his gaze to me.

"How do you want it?" he asked me in a deeper voice as he leaned down to kiss me again. I love it so many different ways but I really wanted to feel connected completely with him. I knew what I wanted. 

"Hold me..." I answered. Brian smiled widely as he brushed his lips across my nose then my chin. He told hold of my hip and turned me on my side. I got comfortable and raised my leg up towards my chest as Brian pressed his body close to mine. He was warm and his heat radiated all across my back. He pressed himself into me slowly and it was everything I wanted at this moment. "Yeah...." I sighed out to him as he got fully seated. He slipped his arm under me and pulled me close. His arm went across my chest and his hips pulled away from me as he began moving inside me. Brian moved his mouth up by my neck and cheek and nuzzled into my hair as he began slow easy thrusts. The fullness was so satisfying and his breath and beard against my ear felt hot and sexy.

"You are so beautiful..." Brian whispered in my ear as he began to speed up his movements. He moved his free arm down to take hold of my leg and lift it higher as he worked to get deeper inside me. Being tucked up in his long arms and held by him as he made love to me almost made me cry. I swallowed my tears as I rolled my head around to get a kiss from him. "So beautiful..." he told me again and I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Brian didn't see it or if he did he said nothing as he kept hold of me and connected with me in such a precious way.

"I love you..." I barely got the words out of my mouth. I was intoxicated with the sensations going on in my body and my heart. I reached down to touch myself and began light strokes to finish myself off. Brian began thrusting into me in hard heavy punches. My prostate lit up with the contact and I cried out with the intense pleasure it gave me. It seemed to drive Brian's passion and he held me tighter as he slammed into me. I gasped as my orgasm exploded from within and squeezed my cock as I spent all over my hand and the bed. My bottom clenched around Brian. I was breathing heavily and so was Brian as the sound of his flesh meeting mine stilled and he held me to him as he groaned. 

"Oh!" Brian cried out and I felt the spasm as he came inside me. I remained pliant in his arms as we both mellowed out together. Brian moved his arm from my legs and I slowly and gently straightened them out a little. He remained inside me and kept a loose hold around my chest. I purposely rolled back into him and sighed with deep satisfaction. We shared sideways kisses as we laid together.

"I love you too..." Brian said to me and confirmed he heard me moments before. I smiled lazily at him. "Can we lay here forever?" Brian asked me quietly as we savored each other. I took a peek at the clock. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Our appointment with Mack is in two hours.

"We've got an hour.."

\--------------------------

"It's good to see you back Roger..." Mack remarked as he got seated in his chair. I instantly felt bad about how I left the last session prematurely. I tensed up at the reminder of my behavior last time I was here. Brian and I were seated on the couch again but this time the distance between us was gone and our thighs touched. This helped.

"Sorry about last time...it won't happen again.." I assured him. Mack glanced at Brian and then nodded to me.

"I'm glad to hear that..." he replied. "So Brian told me that you made up from your argument and you moved back home..." Mack looked at me intently.

"Yes....we did work things out and I came back..." I answered. "I know we have work to do about trust and communication..." I added. "That is why I'm here...I want Brian to trust me again and I do want us to be able to talk to each other..." Mack nodded understanding.

"Well you are in the right place then.." Mack assured me. I smiled at his encouragement and relaxed a bit more. "So Roger...in your own words...tell me what happened the other day.." Mack asked me. I felt tense again but Brian smiled warmly at me and placed his hand on my thigh. His action told me that despite landing here to talk about our problems, we would be okay. 

"Alright..." I started. "It all started because I unintentionally flirted with a French woman.."

"Well that's not one I generally hear in this office...." Mack said with a touch of mirth. I was reminded of his mostly gay male clientele and had to chuckle at his observation. Brian did as well which surprised me. Mack's gesture to lighten the moment made me feel better and I smiled. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.


	82. A Day At The Races - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brian, Roger and John actually attended a birthday party celebration for Buddy Holly in September 1976 thrown by Paul McCartney. I changed the day of the month it took place. It was held on the 7th. If you look up the photos taken that day you will find them there.

30th September 1976

London/Surrey

Brian's POV

"Does my hair look alright?" Roger asked me for the third time as we walked to the venue. I smiled at him as I looked over his perfect coif. He looked amazing as always so I don't know why he was so self conscious. I wondered if my own hair was okay. I ran my hand up to my head and touched it gingerly before I responded.

"It looks great...calm down..." I told him. It was evident he is nervous. Okay - so am I. I mean, this is the big leagues of rock and roll. I gripped the invitation in my hand and glanced over at Deacy. He seemed unaffected by the whole thing. He looked so at ease as he accompanied us and smiled lightly. The sun was shining and it was pleasant with a light breeze.

"Nice day for it.." he mused as we strolled the sidewalk heading for the Orangery. "It's lovely to be back in the old neighborhood.." We are in our old stomping grounds in Holland Park. It was a funny coincidence that Paul McCartney had procured the Orangery building at the park for his party today. Many a time in the past have we all walked these grounds when we lived in the area.

"Oh my god!" I heard Roger mutter under his breath. I turned to look at him and his mouth hung open in awe. I turned my head to see what he was looking at and found myself gazing upon true rock royalty. 

"Shit!" I murmured back and grabbed hold of Deacy's arm. "Is that..?" I asked them both in a quiet voice. I know it's him but I can't believe I am at the same party as someone like him. 

"It is...that's Clapton..." Deacy confirmed to me. "And isn't that George Harrison's wife?" he asked us his eyes grew wide. There sat Patty Harrison. She still looked young and was extremely attractive. Her confident smile made her even sexier and her form fitting low cut leopard print dress didn't hurt matters either. I didn't realize Deacy was unaware of their affair. I assumed everybody knew about Patty and George splitting up and her being seen with Eric soon after.

"You didn't know about their affair?" I asked Deacy. He shook his head as we all tried not to stare at the group of rock legends visiting at a table in front of the building. I slowed us all down as I felt really intimidated to be here. 

"So is George here as well?" Deacy queried as we stood together and surveyed the growing crowd of music celebrities. 

"I doubt he wanted to come hang out with them...think about it.." Roger cut back snidely at Deacy's question. I nudged Roger and felt bad for Deacy.

"It was just a question..." I scolded Roger. He looked annoyed and huffed. 

"Let's just go mingle..." he suggested. I took a deep breath and walked towards one of my heroes. The door to the building opened and we all froze and gasped.

"Fuck me..." Roger declared as we all looked wide eyed at Paul McCartney casually walking out of the doorway followed by his wife and music partner, Linda. "It's really him.." he muttered and I just stared open mouthed and in utter shock as Paul began chatting with Eric and Patty. He looked so easy going and unaware of himself as he stood and made conversation with another icon. He still looked so young and had a fresh haircut reminiscent of the mid 60's.

"Wow! He really is cute!" Deacy commented and I grinned at his honest observation.

"He has a mustache again...like Sgt. Pepper..." I remarked. Roger nudged me and we shared a knowing look and a love of The Beatles between us. I was grateful that I shaved because Paul and Eric both had facial hair and I didn't feel worthy. I noticed both of them were dressed fairly casual and I worried I was overdressed until I saw a few other people mill about the table and each wore a suit jacket. I felt better. A man approached and smiled at us.

"Do you have an invitation to the event here today?" he asked us all. I nodded and produced the engraved invitation I had unknowingly clenched in my hand. The man flattened the paper out and looked irritated as he eyed his clipboard. "Names please..." he ordered. I shook off my dazed feeling.

"Brian May...and this is Roger Taylor and John Deacon..." I replied. The man looked over his list and nodded to me.

"Yes...I see you are guests of John Reid....Elton's group.." he remarked as he pulled three badges from his pocket and handed them to us. I thought the man made a mistake.

"We're not in Elton's group...we're in Queen.." I informed him. He laughed lightly as I took the badge from him. 

"I was referring to the group of people invited today...you are part of Mr. Reid's organization..is that correct?" he corrected me with a curt manner and I felt a little embarrassed. A faint blush went across my cheeks. 

"Thanks Mister.." Roger told the man in an annoyed tone and took my arm. He began moving us towards the party. We all got our badges attached to the lapels of our jackets.

"What a wanker..." Roger mumbled. We were a few steps from the table when Linda McCartney noticed us. She walked over and held her hand out. Her long silky blond hair reminded me of Roger's.

"Ahh...Queen! I'm thrilled you could make it..." Her smile was warm and friendly and she had an odd mix of an Eastern American and British accent. It was quite unique.

"Hi Linda..." Roger said to her with a bit of reverence in his tone. Linda's smile was wide as she shook his hand. We introduced ourselves and she led us towards her coterie of luminaries. They were all deep in conversation but stopped as Linda interrupted them.

"Paul..it's the guys from Queen..." she told her famous husband. Butterflies erupted in my stomach as he held his hand out to me. I know I bore the stupidest grin of my life but took his smooth warm hand and shook it forcefully.

"Brian May...Queen.." I said to him in a dazed voice. That surreal feeling had returned. Paul raised his eyebrow at me.

"Are you now?" he quipped. Everyone burst out laughing and I wondered what was so funny. I noticed Roger was laughing as well and whacked me in the arm.

"Good one Paul..." Roger said back to him. I still didn't get the joke as we were all introduced. My hand was shaking by the time I exchanged greetings with Eric fucking Clapton.

"It's a honor to meet you..." I told him as we shook hands. He looked me over and appeared to know me.

"You've got that handmade guitar..." he replied. I felt my heart explode at his recognition of Red and smiled at him. 

"Yeah...I do..." I couldn't believe I was standing in the presence of greatness and he knew about me and my guitar.

\-------------------------

The party turned out to be great fun. Buddy Holly music played over a sound system and everyone chatted about his influence and mentioned their favorite songs. Once we all came down from the high of meeting these incredible people we breathed and relaxed. I had a couple of drinks and we all split up to chat with different people. John Reid and Elton arrived and we exchanged greetings with them both. Soon it was time to eat and we went to our assigned seats. To our amazement, Eric and Patty were at our table and were in the chairs between Roger and myself.. Roger squeezed my arm before walking around the table to his assigned place. We weren't together which was disappointing. I wanted to be able to whisper my excitement to him. Deacy was assigned to our table but was focused on a conversation with an American musician who shared an enthusiasm for Motown and Tamla music. I sipped my glass of wine as we listened to everyone talk. Eric was constantly interrupted by other guests stopping to say hello and catch up. He definitely knew everyone here. Roger and I managed a bit of conversation across the table but felt mostly overwhelmed by the A-list people milling about. Elton stopped by and asked why Freddie was absent. Freddie had only mentioned a family commitment and we passed that along as the reason. 

Lunch was served and I was delighted that vegetarian options were available. We sat and ate and I managed some actual conversation with Patty and a little with Eric when he wasn't engaged with someone else. We were introduced to Roger Daltrey from The Who and his wife Heather. They chatted with us briefly before they moved on to another table. Paul then got up and made a lovely speech to the attendees. He spoke about the influence of Holly on The Beatles and his continued passion for the rock pioneer's music. Paul discussed his recent purchase of Buddy's song catalog and showed pride as he spoke of future plans to keep Buddy's memory alive. Everyone looked surprised and excited when he announced a possible biographic film about Buddy's life. Paul introduced Norman Petty, the man who was Buddy's writing partner and manager and the guest of honor. He said a few words and shared some memories. The speeches ended with great applause and a commemorative cake and champagne were served. I tried to talk with Roger but the area around our table got noisy as Elton and Paul both loitered by our table visiting Eric and Patty and throwing us the occasional comment to make us feel included. 

I leaned over the table to talk to Roger as the others were sharing a story that seemed a bit personal to overhear. "I'm off to the loo.." I told him and stood up and found the sign on the far wall. I made my way there and relieved myself and went to wash up. I was alone inside when the door opened and Roger came inside. I finished at the sink and waited for him as he began washing his hands.

"You should have brought your camera..." Roger commented to me as we both tried to absorb our experience today. I shook my head.

"It would be rude to take photos...this is a private event...I only saw one or two men taking professional pictures.." I replied. Roger looked amused at me as he checked his hair in the mirror. 

"Don't tell me you wouldn't kill to have your picture with any of them..." he commented as he wiped his hands. "It's just a shame Lennon is in the states these days...this type of event might have drawn him out.." Roger remarked to me. I agreed this type of occasion may have contributed to a Lennon-McCartney reunion. While meeting McCartney was an incredible dream I knew that Roger and I both would probably faint if we got the chance to meet Lennon. But he left for New York years ago and now seemed to have disappeared from the music scene. It made me sad.

"That won't be us will it?" I verbalized to Roger. "We won't split up and move thousand of miles away from each other...will we?" Roger looked surprised at my statement and moved closer to me.

"Brian...that won't happen to us..." he told me with confidence. He reached over and placed his hand on my chest. "You're forgetting that we don't write songs together.." he winked at me to lighten the moment but I was being serious. 

"But we're band mates.." I replied. "And they were mates and apparently fell out..." Roger seemed to process my words but smiled at me. 

"But they weren't married to each other.." he informed me. He had me there. To my knowledge Lennon and McCartney weren't involved with each other romantically. 

"So I'm stuck with you then...for better or for worse?" I teased with a grin. Roger leaned up and kissed me quickly. 

"I'm afraid so..." he teased back. I was enjoying our moment but almost jumped when the bathroom door opened and Paul walked in and moved over to the urinal. My heart hammered in my chest. We had been close to being caught and by him of all people! Sometimes we are so careless! Roger casually moved away from me as Paul had his back to us and relieved himself. He finished and zipped up as he walked to the sink.

"You enjoying the party?" he asked us as he washed. I nodded and smiled nervously.

"It's brilliant! Great speech.." I managed to say to him as he turned to face us both and grabbed a paper towel.

"Elton told me your group was influenced by us but you had also mentioned Holly from your early days...I was happy to have you along today..." he remarked to us. It was heartening to hear Elton speak well of us. I gave Paul a grateful expression. 

"It's been a thrill to be here to be honest..." I confessed and my face felt warm. Paul smirked at me and laughed lightly. 

"Hey...sorry about the quip earlier...it's just that way you introduced yourself was quite amusing.." Paul told me with a glint of mischief. I still didn't understand what I said that he found so funny.

"Pardon?" I asked him. I felt clueless. Paul smiled widely at me and his own hazel eyes gleamed.

"When you introduced yourself you said your name and then said Queen, like you were describing who you are....or what you are.." he informed me with that same mirth in his face. "You have to admit...it's pretty funny.." he added. "I mean...you're not really a queen.....are you?" I instantly froze at his question before I realized he was still joking. I heard Roger laugh so I quickly faked my own laughter. I tried to find the humor in it despite feeling a little panicked.

"I sure hope not....he knocked my sister up.." Roger suddenly announced to Paul. I know my face went red and Paul's eyes grew wide. He got a devilish grin on his face. 

"Well I guess you're not a queen...." he replied. "Congratulations..." he added and stuck his hand out to me. I felt honored to be congratulated by him and was almost smug as I accepted his handshake. 

"Thanks..." I replied. 

"When is she due?" he asked with real interest. I felt Roger lean into me slightly as I answered.

"Beginning of April..." I told him with pride. 

"Your first child?" I nodded to him but felt bad about having to deny Tiger Lily. I felt Roger's finger on my arm and he pressed it to me gently for support.

"My first biological one..." I clarified and suddenly felt the need to be honest. "I live with Roger and his sister and we are all raising his daughter together..." I told Paul as I gestured towards Roger and it felt good to say. To acknowledge our little one somehow. Paul looked happy for us. 

"A daughter...eh?" he answered warmly. "Aren't girls the best?" he asked us as the bathroom door opened and a few others filed in. The room was getting crowded. 

"Tiger Lily is an amazing baby...she is so easy to love..." I replied. Paul clearly understood as I know he has a few girls of his own. He gestured for us all to head out of the busy bathroom. I opened the door and we headed out.

"Tiger Lily...that's a unique name....Peter Pan?" he asked Roger as we walked to the table together. Roger nodded with a heartened smile.

"It was her mother's idea but I like it...it really suits her..." he said proudly. Paul patted him on the back and I beamed at Roger as Paul waived goodbye.

"Gentlemen...good luck with the new baby...oh.. and by the way...love your music..." he said and headed towards his wife. Roger and I shared an expression of absolute joy at the compliment Paul paid us as he disappeared into the party.

We prepared to leave and found Deacy as we headed towards the exit. Before we reached the door an announcement was made.

"Paul would like his guests to join him on the front lawn for a group picture please..." a man announced over the speaker system. Everyone started walking out some french doors so we followed them out and found a man getting everyone organized for a photo. We moved in to the grouping and the man positioned me in back. "You're one of the taller ones.." he remarked to me as he got other people moved to certain places. Roger stepped in front of me and I fought the impulse to place my arms around his waist. I noticed Deacy walking my way so I waived him over. He was walking a little funny and almost tripped over a taller patch of grass. 

"Careful Deaks...." I told him but he smiled lazily at me as he stood nearby and faced towards the photographer. I turned to pay attention and quietly placed my hand on Roger's waist. He leaned in slightly as I heard the pictures being taken. I knew it wouldn't show as we were all wedged together to fit in the frame. We finished the photo and most people started heading out. Deacy walked over to us and we started the walk to the car. 

"Did you have enjoy the party?" Deacy asked us as we made our way across the street to the car park. 

"We did yeah...got to speak to Paul a few times actually...he said he liked our music..." Roger told him as he unlocked our vehicle and we all got inside. Deacy looked please to hear Paul's opinion of our band. "Are we taking you home?" Roger asked as he started the car. Deacy nodded.

"Yeah...I'm a bit drunk and want a nap..." Deacy confessed to us. We all laughed and I watched over him as Roger turned directions to head south. Deacy told us about the American he chatted with as we drove him home. Roger and I shared our conversations with Clapton and McCartney. Roger soon pulled up in front of Deacy's home and he slipped out of the back seat. "Enjoy your nap..." Roger quipped to him as he leaned down to say goodbye. 

"See you at the studio..." Deacy told us and headed inside. Roger pulled out to drive us home. 

\----------------------------

5th October 1976

"We need to go over this..." I told Roger as he leaned in the doorway of my study. I know bills and financial matters aren't his favorite thing to do but it is both our money and both our responsibility. He took a drink of his beverage and walked in and pulled the only extra chair in the room over to my desk. I made room for him as he sat his drink down and sighed.

"Alright...." he told me in a defeated tone. I laid out our bills and my ledger of our expenses. I pulled out our last bank statement and his eyes grew wide at the balance. "Is that how much we have in the bank?" he asked me in disbelief. I know lately he has just endorsed his checks and handed them to me. He doesn't think about our combined income. I glanced at the savings account balance of 43,000.00 pounds. It was quite extraordinary to see this. More money than I could ever imagine us having. Our checking balance of 4,000.00 pounds was pretty remarkable as well. 

"As of the end of August, yes that is how much money we have..." I confirmed. "We don't even have our royalty checks for this month yet..." I reminded him. Roger took a new interest in things after that. I showed him the ledger and the details about the mortgage payment, insurance, car payment, utilities, diapers and supplies, food, medical bills and Clare's wages. It added up but we had more than enough to cover it all and our check amounts just keep going up with each payment.

"And to think we used to fret over our 34.00 pound rent for our flat and the storefront..." Roger remarked as I closed the ledger. "We could buy that entire building nowadays..." I smiled at the reference to our meager past expenses. "I guess I can go find another car then?" Roger proposed and I suddenly realized why he was so excited about our money. We really need a second car but I wanted him to be realistic about how much we spend. 

"I suppose we need to get another car...but we need to be reasonable about it.." I responded. Roger immediately stood up and walked out of my study. I organized my things and put our checkbook back in my top drawer. I went out to find him and saw him speaking on the telephone to someone. He hung up as I entered the kitchen. Roger was smiling as he saw me enter. "Get the checkbook!" he ordered.

\--------------------------- 

9th October 1976

"I like that one..." I told Roger as we looked over the results of a promotional photo shoot we had done a few weeks ago. It was a shot of Roger by himself and I thought he looked really handsome. Well, he looks good in about any photo ever taken of him. Roger smiled at me and looked back at his picture.

"Shall I get a framed copy for your bedside?" he replied sarcastically. I smirked at him and shrugged.

"Why bother....you're generally right next to me.." I responded and we laughed as we moved to look at the next set laying on the table. A mock up of four photos of us was put together as potential photos to use for our album artwork. I found we all looked a bit serious but lighthearted photos of us smiling end up seeming odd most of the time. I liked the choices and the others seem to agree. I guess that is one more decision checked off our list of things to do.

"I have a time scheduled to shoot your music promotional film..." Peter Brown told us as we all took at seat to finalize the remaining plans for promoting the forthcoming album. We were almost done with recording and just needed to do the final mix. We now need to film our video for 'Somebody To Love' and then prepare for our upcoming tour. I realized before we know it Christmas will be here. Peter went over the next few weeks calendar with us and I made some notes on our copy of it. We finished our meeting and Roger and I headed for home. Roger drove as I went over our next week schedule with him. There is so much to do. We stopped in the village at the market to pick up some items Clare had on a list. She handed it to me before we went into the city for work today. Roger grabbed a shopping cart and pushed it down the aisles as I filled the cart. I was eager to get home and try to catch a nap since we had an early end to our business.

"We need to get more nappies...." I told Roger as I looked over the list. I mentally crossed off the things I had already grabbed. 

"What about wipes?" he asked as he pulled a large packet of nappies from the shelf. I glanced at it to make sure he got the right size. 

"Wouldn't hurt I guess..." I responded. It wasn't on the list but we found more uses for these wipes than we could ever imagine. Roger placed a box of wipes in the cart and we moved down to the area with health and beauty products. I grabbed some toothpaste and the brand of dental floss I know Roger likes the best. I looked over and saw Roger reading the back of a tube. I noticed he was squinting as he read it and wondered if this was another opportunity to ask him to get his eyes checked. He walked over to me and dropped it in the cart. 

"What's that?" I asked him. He smiled and began pushing the cart. 

"Just a beauty item..." he answered with a bashful look on his face. I reached over and picked up the tube and saw it was some type of facial mask. He had pulled it from the women's skin care section. Roger saw me looking it over and grabbed it from me. "Give it here.." he scolded me for being nosy. I grinned at him as we moved on to the cereal aisle. I loved that he was embarrassed by his purchase. 

"Is that for Clare?" I asked with amusement. I am pretty sure it's for Roger but I wanted him to admit it. He smirked and turned his attention to the corn flake choices.

"It might be..." he commented. "It might be for me as well..." he added. I fought the urge to giggle and grabbed the box of cereal he was looking right at but ignoring while he avoided me.

"Did she tell you about that mask?" I questioned as Roger added a box of hot cereal to the cart. 

"Actually...it was Jo..." he informed me. "We did a mask treatment one of the nights I stayed with her.." I got the image in my head of the two of them sitting around in bathrobes wearing face masks, drinking whisky and smoking cigarettes. I burst into laughter.

"What's so funny?" Roger demanded and sounded rather annoyed. I turned to him and ran my hand across his cheek. 

"Do you think the alcohol and cigarettes counter any attempt to improve your skin?" I asked him and sounded a bit pompous when I said it. Roger rolled his eyes at me and aggressively moved the cart down the narrow aisle. 

"Don't knock it till you try it..." he replied and disappeared around the corner. I smiled to myself as I reviewed the list. I then wondered if that is why his skin is so damn perfect. I rushed to catch up to him and shouted after him.

"We need ice cream..."

Later that night 

I finished my journal entry and closed the book. I was tired and never got the nap I had hoped for. I noticed no one was downstairs and made my way up to find my family. I yawned as I reached the top of the stairs and heard some music. It was coming from Tiger Lily's room. I walked inside and found Roger, Clare and Tigs dancing to a song on the radio and Clare was holding Tiger Lily's hairbrush like it was a microphone. It was that crap cover version of 'I Only Wanna Be With You' by the Bay City Rollers. Dusty Springfield's original version was far superior. I had to smile though because Roger was bent in half trying to dance with Tigs. He had her tiny hand and was swinging her around as they all moved to the song. When Roger stood up for a moment I noticed he had some type of cream caked on his face. I looked over at Clare and noticed she had it as well. I couldn't wait to tease them and walked over. As I got near I realized something was on Tiger Lily's face and she was licking at it. I panicked when I considered her eating some of that beauty product Roger had bought. We don't even know what toxins might be in it. I rushed over to the baby and picked her up.

"Rog! She is eating the mask!" I barked at him and immediately put my hand on her cheek to wipe the cosmetic off. Roger pulled my arm away laughing at me.

"It's just honey and banana..." he told me as he kept laughing and I felt like a fool. I took my messy fingers and tasted what Tiger Lily had been wearing and eating. Yes - honey and banana.

"Oh! The look on your face!" Clare was practically cackling at me. I frowned at her and licked my fingers.

"I'm glad I could make you both laugh this evening.." I grumbled to them. Before I knew what was happening Roger grabbed me and walked to me the bed. 

"Sit! Mr. Grumpy!" he told me as he grabbed a bowl from the nightstand and proceeded to plaster some of the honey and banana concoction on my face. I wanted to protest at first but Tiger Lily walked up and looked at me.

"Brimi pretty...." she told me. Her little bright smile warmed my heart and I surrendered to the vanity of my husband and my child and let him plaster my cheeks, nose and chin with the edible goo. 

16th October 1976 

"I'm so sorry Brian...I really am...." Clare sat up in her bed and blew her nose into a tissue. I feel terrible that she caught cold. Luckily she didn't have a fever but felt miserable. Her nose was red and she had been coughing all morning. I was grateful it was only a head cold and nothing worse since she is pregnant. I glanced at her brand new outfit handing on a hook on her closet door. I guess she isn't going today.

"It's alright Clare...it's not your fault you're sick....do you need anything?" I asked her with sincerity. "Do you want me to call my Mum?" I wondered if she needed help with the baby since she is sick and Roger and I have to attend this event. Clare blew her nose again and shook her head. I worried for a moment about the baby but reminded myself it is just a cold.

"I think I can manage..." she told me as she moved to get out of bed. I stopped her and walked over to get her waste basket and moved it closer to her. Roger walked in carrying a tray with some hot tea on it.

"Drink this..it will help your cough and your sore throat..." he instructed her. Clare took the cup and tried a sip. She smiled at us when she finished. "It's got honey in it...it's the same stuff Freddie uses to soothe his throat.." 

"Thanks Rog..." she told him gratefully and sipped again. Roger turned to look at me.

"I think we should call your Mum.." he suggested. Clare shook her head again.

"Guys...I'm fine...really..." she pleaded to us.

45 minutes later Roger arrived back at the house with my mother in tow. I had bathed, dressed and fed Tiger Lily. My mother greeted me in the kitchen as I wiped down the high chair tray.

"Hi dear...oh? Aren't you going to shave?" my mother asked me. I had shaved to attend the Buddy Holly event and for the photo session but had let my beard grow back since. I ran my hand over my chin and shrugged. 

"It will feel good in the cold.." I lied and my mother appeared resigned as she looked around the kitchen.

"Where is our girl?" she asked me as she kissed my cheek. I pointed to the living room.

"She's watching a show..." I replied and dried the tray off as Roger came into the house. 

"Jo should be here any minute..." he informed me and I nodded and went to go finish getting ready for our big day. I straightened my suit while looking myself over in the mirror and Roger walked in to change. He was finishing up as I knocked gently on Clare's door. 

"It's open..." she answered. I peeked in to find her still sitting up in bed and tossing a tissue in the bin. 

"We're getting ready to go and my Mum's here..." I informed her. She smiled at me despite feeling awful.

"Thanks Bri...I appreciate it..." she responded. 

"Need anything?" I asked. She shook her head.

"I'll get some rest and be fine tomorrow..." she assured me. I nodded understanding at her wanting to downplay how she felt. 

"Of course...get some sleep and Mum will check on you later....take care..." I told her and closed the door. I went downstairs and heard voices in the living room. I found Jo and my mother chatting while Tigs watched some cartoons. Jo stood up to greet me.

"Hey Jo!" I told her and we had a brief hug as my mother watched. "Rog will be right down.." She smiled at me as she took her seat by my mother again. 

"Your Mother told me Clare is ill and won't be going today...that's too bad.." she remarked. I nodded to her as I took a seat.

"She's got some type of cold...sore throat and aches...a bit of a cough.." I explained to her. Roger walked in the room and Jo stood up as he walked over to hug her and kissed her cheek. 

"Hi!" he told her. "You look nice..." Roger remarked about her outfit. She was wearing a white jumpsuit with a black shirt underneath and had her coat by her side. 

"Thanks Roger.." she replied and Roger motioned at me. 

"We need to go..." he advised. My mother stood up and I kissed her cheek. Roger and I both went over to Tiger Lily.

"See you later poppet....be good for Nana..." I kissed her forehead and she smiled up at me.

"Bye bye..." she told me sweetly. Roger kissed her and the three of us headed out. We walked to the cars and Jo motioned to hers.

"We can take my car if you'd like.." Jo offered and Roger laughed and shook his head. I eyed her mini cooper with disdain. It's a shame we didn't have Roger's new car yet. It was on order.

"I don't think Bri will fit..." Roger told her as he unlocked and opened the passenger door on our car. "He would have to fold himself like an accordian..." I chuckled at Roger's remark and slipped in the back seat as they got in the front. We took off for Kempton Park, which wasn't that far of a drive for us. Soon enough Roger pulled up at the racecourse entry gate and we were directed to park in a reserved area. We stepped out of the vehicle and saw Peter Brown waiving at us. Roger got next to Jo and took her hand. "Remember...it's for show only..." he told he as he leaned towards me. "I love you Bri..." he whispered. I noticed Roger was rubbing his fingers over his coin necklace and it warmed my heart. It meant a lot that Roger took a moment to say this. 

"I love you too..." I replied and we began walking towards Peter.

"You're right on time..." Peter announced as we reached him. He smiled at us all and looked at Jo. "I remember you....Jo - right?" she nodded and they shook hands. "Where's Clare?" Peter asked as we began moving towards a large crowd of people. 

"She's ill...she won't be coming..." I explained. Peter looked sympathetic.

"Sorry to hear that...I guess you can sit with Chrissie..." he said to me. I stopped walking and so did Roger.

"Chrissie?" I questioned. Was he confused or something? Roger looked almost distressed. Peter smiled and pointed towards the edge of the crowd.

"Chrissie is here...." he confirmed as I looked over and saw her chatting to Crystal Taylor, Roger's roadie. "I guess you didn't hear....there was a mix up and the girl that sent out the notices for today invited everyone from the last tour by accident..." I looked at Roger who wore an expression of absolute horror. I swallowed hard and then peered back at the crowd. Chrissie noticed me and smiled and waived. She said something to Crystal and then began walking our way. Roger squeezed my arm so hard it hurt.

Shit!


	83. A Day At The Races - Part 3

16th October 1976

Sunbury on Thames England

Roger's POV

The air was brisk with a cold breeze and smelled of cut grass. A loudspeaker regularly blared race updates to the crowd in the stands and adjoining walkways. My nose curled at the faint scent of horse manure and my brow furrowed at our unplanned guest in attendance today. Why did she have to be here?

"Hi Brian..." Chrissie greeted him with her too sweet smile and walked up to give him a hug. She failed to notice the dismay present on my face. Brian looked absolutely mortified to see her which helped quell my increasing anger. I know Brian feels obligated to be friendly. Yes, Chrissie has done nothing wrong and was just trying to be sociable, but I reserve my right to dislike her on principle. He accepted her hug and smiled nervously as he noticed me observing his every move. Careful there Bri.. 

"It's lovely to see you.." Brian replied and quickly ended their embrace. I noticed Chrissie glancing at me and I know my expression reflected my feeling that she isn't welcome here. She seemed uneasy and moved her gaze over to Jo who provided a more friendly response.

"Good to see you Chrissie.." Jo told her as she exchanged a small handshake with her. We all stood in awkward silence as the activity around us swelled. The shutter sounds of cameras were heard and we all turned to see Freddie, Mary Austin and John Reid arriving. The press were apparently more interested in our lead singer and manager; which was a relief. Peter Brown ran over to greet Freddie and Reid and some unknown assistant walked up and handed each of us a large bag. 

"What's this?" I asked as I peeked inside the canvas tote. The assistant smiled and gestured at the sizable box inside. 

"It's your commemorative gift for today....it's a horse racing board game and some other trinkets..." the assistant explained. I eyed a t-shirt next to the board game and figured I would give it to my sister. Not that Clare doesn't already own a few Queen shirts. I mean - I have a few himself.

"Thanks.." Brian replied to the assistant. We have never seen this young man before. I know Brian is as curious as I am about who he is. "Are you new?" Brian asked him politely. The man gave Brian a warm smile and nodded.

"I am....yes...I was brought on to help Peter..." he explained. "My name is Paul...Paul Prenter..and you're Brian, right?" the young man stuck out his hand and Brian accepted it. 

"I am...nice to meet you Paul.." Brian responded and pointed at me. "This is Roger..." he introduced me. I smiled at the assistant who was gazing at me. Before I could say anything Deacy arrived with Ronnie and a few photos were quickly snapped by the press corps.

"Is is alright if I sit with you?" I heard Chrissie ask Brian. This is not how I envisioned things being today and I could see the conflict in Brian's face. He looked over at me for a decision on the matter. I really want to tell her to fuck off but I realize that is not the mature way to handle this. He is going to owe me big time! I gave a resigned nod but retained my frown.

"Sure..." Brian responded to Chrissie's great relief but not my own. I felt Jo press her hand into my arm. I turned to look at her and she leaned close to my head.

"I know you're not happy right now but it is one afternoon in your life drummer boy...play nice.." Jo cautioned me. I get it. This is purely happening due to a misstep by someone else and Chrissie came under invitation from our management. Jo is right. I have to let this go and deal with it like an adult. I grunted inside but found myself forming a semblance of a smile on my face. Jo patted my arm in response. 

"If you could all please follow me....your luncheon is being served.." a racecourse representative announced to us. I put my arm around Jo and began walking us to the path for the clubhouse. I watched Brian gesture for Chrissie to walk beside him. I glanced over periodically as we made our way to the building to see if he put his arm around her or held her hand. They were chatting but he had put his hands in his coat pocket. I felt a sense of satisfaction that he was not giving her any mixed signals.

The clubhouse was pretty nice and we were directed into a reserved room. Several waist-coated waiters stood around with trays of champagne. I pulled Jo towards one of them and took two glasses for us. She took it from me and gave me a warm smile as she sipped the bubbly beverage. I found Brian handing a glass to Chrissie and I finally got a look at what she was wearing. A plain white sweater set and black skirt. She looked like a secretary, or worse yet, the nurse she actually is. No style like Jo has. She doesn't deserve Brian. Oh wait! She isn't with him so why am I getting my head in this deep? Shit! Get a grip Roger!

"I'm famished! I hope it's something good.." Jo commented to me to break the silence as we took a seat at the nearest table. Everyone was getting seated so they could begin the service. 

"With Reid doing the planning it will be first class...trust me..." I took my fur coat off and laid it over the back of my chair as Jo got settled across from me. Brian and Chrissie walked over and sat down next to us. Jo lit a cigarette and I considered having one myself but felt Brian would get put off by it. I am put off by Chrissie being here so I mulled it over in my head and decided to keep being an adult for now. I took my chair and enjoyed watching the line of smoke that wavered in the air from Jo's cigarette. I then felt someone watching me and turned to see Chrissie smiling at me timidly.

"Hi Roger!" Chrissie said to me in her undeniable cheery manner. I forced a smile and gave her my attention. She stuck out her hand and I swallowed my pride and took it in a gesture of good will.

"Hey Chrissie..." I manage to get out with a civil tone. Brian seemed pleased at my effort. He had taken the seat next to mine which I appreciated. It told me he was considering my feelings right now. He slipped his hand onto my thigh under the table and squeezed it gently as I took a drink of my champagne.

"Thanks Rog..." Brian said to me quietly. It struck the right chord with me and I casually slipped my own hand under the tablecloth to lace his fingers with mine. Our fingers pressed into each others and it gave me the resolve to get through this already tiresome event. A waiter approached with a large tray of bowls and I slipped my hand from Brian's as we were served some soup. I noticed Deacy and Ronnie had sat with Freddie and Mary at long table that included Reid, Peter Brown, that new guy Paul and our Public Relations agent Caroline. Most of our road crew had encamped together at a nearby table. A few empty seats remained at ours and I wondered if some people had avoided our table because they sensed the tension emanating from us all.

"This soup is really nice.." Jo remarked in an effort to make conversation. She had extinguished her cigarette and was tasting the soup and bread. I made an effort and tasted it. I realized it was beef barley and noticed Brian making do with his dinner roll. I picked mine up and turned to him.

"Want my bread?" I asked him with obvious meaning. Brian smiled gratefully at me and took my piece.

"Yeah...thanks..." he replied. I took a few spoonfuls of the soup to be polite and flagged down the waiter as he walked by. 

"Can I get two whiskies?" I asked the man. He nodded and disappeared as Jo beamed approval at me. 

"Thirsty Rog?" Brian remarked to me. I know it's a warning about drinking too much but today I was going to compensate for my suffering. My drink arrived and I handed the other to Jo. I had it halfway finished before Jo took a drink of her own. I ignored Brian. Our main course was served and I enjoyed some lamb with mint sauce and potatoes and carrots. Brian was served a plate just like mine and my impulse was to stop the waiter and get my husband a plate without meat. There were a couple of press photographers in the room now so I stopped myself and waited for Brian to do something. To my horror he simply moved the meat away with his knife and focused on his vegetables. I know it was bothering him and he was trying to be polite but I couldn't even eat as I thought about his discomfort. When the photographers were busy taking some photos of Freddie as a reporter asked him some questions, I quickly grabbed Brian's plate and he watched in surprise as I slid his lamb onto my own plate and then used my own napkin to wipe the residue away. I handed him his plate back and he gave me the warmest and loving look.

"Need to eat some more if I'm going to drink so much..." I mumbled to him as I tucked in to eat his portion of lunch. Jo beamed at me as I focused on my food. We all made small talk as we finished our entree and soon some sweets arrived on a cart. I chose a slice of treacle cake and Jo skipped the pudding. Brian and Chrissie both selected fruit cups. I flagged another waiter and got more drinks as the reporters found our table.

"You are Roger Taylor, the drummer...correct?" the reporter asked me. I didn't recognize him and determined he was with the regular newspapers. The badge he flashed at us confirmed it. Daily Mail. Not a music publication.

"That's right...and this is Brian May...our guitarist.." I replied and gestured to Brian. They shared a quick greeting. The man opened his notebook.

"Are either of you racing fans?" he asked us as he looked us both over. His photographer took a few photographs of us all as we spoke.

"Well...I'm more about cars than horses to be honest...but this looks to be a fun day..." I replied. The man smiled at my comment and made a quick note. He looked over at Brian for a response.

"It's my first time seeing a horse race so I'll have to wait and see....the betting seems interesting.." Brian responded. The reporter seemed pleased with our remarks. I hoped he was finished.

"I understand one of you is engaged.." the reporter asked us. I was confused by his question and shrugged. 

"I think you mean Freddie...." I replied. I know Freddie had referred to Mary as his fiance in prior interviews. The man peered over at Chrissie.

"Well how do you explain her engagement ring?" the reporter asked Brian boldly. I looked over and found Chrissie with a pink face and she was clutching her left hand in her right and seemed disconcerted by the question. I had not noticed the ring before and was shocked to find her wearing a small diamond solitaire. Brian apparently had not noticed it either. His mouth dropped open.

"Are you engaged?" Brian asked her with total surprise. Chrissie blushed deeply and nodded as she held up her hand. Brian seemed elated and to be honest, so am I. Hopefully she has lost all interest in Brian.

"Chrissie! That is wonderful! Congratulations!" I shouted over to her. I am so fucking relieved to find her engaged to be married. The reporter was confused by our behavior and I turned to him to clear the matter up as Brian and Jo congratulated her. "I'm sorry for the confusion....Chrissie worked for us on our last tour and she apparently just got engaged and had not told us yet.." I explained. The reporter's face dropped at the loss of what he had deemed some type of exclusive. I felt a small amount of satisfaction in bursting his bubble.

"I guess that is what I heard then..." he answered in a disappointed tone. He glanced over at Jo. "And this is?" the reporter nosily inquired. It caught everyone's attention as I considered my answer.

"Jo Morris..." I advised him. I could tell he wasn't going to let it go at just her name. I sighed inside. "My girlfriend...." I spit out. Jo kicked me lightly under the table to lighten the moment. I smirked at her behavior and noticed the reporter seemed pleased to get something out of us. 

"And how is your daughter doing?" he added to his interrogation. I didn't like reporters asking about her but the public knows about my baby. I felt obligated to give him something.

"Tiger Lily is great. She is two now and every bit the toddler these days.." I remarked casually. The reporter made a note and gave me a genuine smile. 

"Anything you want to tell your fans about your upcoming album?" the reporter finally got down the business at hand and I smiled genuinely at him for the first time.

"It is a great follow-up to our last record and I think the new single will be a refreshing surprise to our faithful fans..." The reporter jotted down my words. I stood up to excuse myself as he cornered Brian with a similar question.

"I'll be right back..." I told Jo and headed for the toilets. I was considering another whisky as I finished my business and washed my hands. I took my time and was glad to find the reporter gone when I returned. Everyone was getting up to head for the grandstand. I quickly got back to Jo and we headed off to watch the races. I slipped my sunglasses on as we found some seats behind Reid and Freddie. 

Peter asked Brian and Deacy to sit behind us so we would all be framed for any photographs the press might take. Jo pulled out her camera and we went over the racing form as the next race began taking bets. The afternoon flew by in a blur of galloping horses and last minute decisions on placing wagers. It was a nice distraction from the day's earlier drama. I began to enjoy myself and when it was time to place a bet on the race we were sponsoring, I took a wild guess and walked up to head for a betting window. To my delight Brian was already in line in front of me.

"Fancy meeting you here..." I said to Brian in a light-hearted tone to show him I had got over the anger from a few hours ago. He smiled at me as I poked him in his side. 

"I'm glad you didn't let Chrissie spoil your fun today..." he remarked a we both waited in line to place our wager. 

"I'll admit...her engagement ring certainly changed my mood..." I told him honestly. Brian's eyes showed me his own relief. 

"She said they got engaged a few weeks ago....once they began dating they both knew this was it for them....they had each found their partner....so I'm happy for her...for them both actually..." I could see Brian feeling this for her. I know he thinks highly of her and I get it. 

"Yeah....it's good news.." I agreed and decided to change the subject. "Who are you placing a wager on?" I asked Brian. He gave me a secretive smile.

"I'm not going to say...let's see who wins, eh?" he proposed to me. He leaned in to me since there was someone nearby. "How about the winner get's their choice of fun later tonight?" he challenged. I was completely game for that and felt an instant uplift in my mood.

"You're on!" I replied. "May the best man win!" I added. We shared a knowing look between us and Brian took a step forward to the window as the person in front of him moved aside. He made quick work of his wager and smiled at me before he took off back to the stand. I had a good feeling as I laid my money down and announced my choice to the attendant.

The race was preparing to commence as I took the camera from Jo to use as makeshift binoculars. Right before the bell sounded I turned and winked at Brian. He gave me an animated grin and a thumbs up as the race commenced. I quickly turned back to see the horses burst out of the gate and begin a mad gallop down the track.

We all watched with anticipation as the core group of riders made their way around the bend and ran in front of the grandstand. Once they passed I pulled the camera up and used the lens to see further out from our line of vision. The fact that I needed this reminded me I need to get my eyes checked but blew it off as my excitement rose. I spotted my horse and was thrilled to find him closing in on the front spot. My heart rate did go up as they neared the end and I stood up and cheered as my choice pulled ahead and took the lead before it crossed the finish line. There were great cheers from us all as the race completed. Everyone seemed really enthusiastic and happy with the result. I wondered who Brian had bet on. I turned to look at him and found him looking almost reticent.

"Well?" I asked him and he just played me off and went to ask Chrissie something. I wondered if his horse lost and he didn't want to admit defeat just yet. I didn't let my winning show in my face and turned back around. I leaned in to Jo. "My horse won but don't mention it as Brian and I have a wager and I don't want him to know yet..." I revealed to her. She had a Cheshire cat grin as she nudged me. 

"I won! I fucking did it!" Freddie proclaimed when the official announcement was made. I leaned over and patted his shoulder. I should have known that our minds would be on the same wave length. Deacy suddenly shouted out.

"I won too! We picked the same horse!" Freddie and Deacy leaned towards each other and squealed with delight. Freddie stood up and held his hand out towards Deacy as he scooted past Brian and Chrissie.

"Let's go get our spoils darling....any other winners here?" Freddie questioned the whole group of guests. I turned to look at Brian and we both shrugged at each other. Freddie and Deacy took off while chattering about their victory. I sat back and smiled to myself. Fuck the prize money! I had my own victory planned for later.

\----------------------------- 

Brian's POV

"So when do you think you'll get married?" I asked Chrissie as I walked with her towards the racetrack exit.

"Oh...probably not until sometime late next year....we're both so busy with work.." she replied. "Henry...I mean Dr. Roberts.." she felt the need to correct herself which I found charming and respectful of her fiance's profession. "He is so supportive of my work and my own plans.." she explained to me with a look of admiration on her face as she spoke of the good doctor. "I want to keep working until we have children and he wants me to be fulfilled..." I was truly happy for her and put my arm around her for a genuine hug.

"I'm so thrilled that you found each other....to be loved and to love another is such a powerful thing in this world....congratulations..." I said to her with warmth. I let go of my hug and we beamed at each other.

"Thanks Brian...I am really happy..." Chrissie and I walked to the path for the train station. 

"Are you sure we can't give you a ride back into London?" I asked Chrissie again. She pulled a ticket from her purse and shook her head. 

"I'm fine on the train....promise!" she assured me. "I've got a lovely book with me that I'm dying to read...so no worries.." Chrissie smiled at me and leaned up to kiss my cheek. I bent down to let her. "Thanks for a lovely day....I hope Roger wasn't too upset with my presence.." she remarked. I wanted to tell her that her engagement was the panacea he needed to set this awkward relationship right.

"Roger's fine...don't worry about him.." I told her as we heard the call for her train. As soon as she motioned to leave I realized I had not told her about my baby. 

"Welll...that's me...it was good to see you again Brian...take care..." I stopped her and smiled widely at her.

"I almost forgot to tell you...I'm going to be a father..." I announced to her. "Well...biologically that is....I do count Tiger Lily.. as you know.." Chrissie's eyes grew wide and she had a look of complete astonishment.

"How did you manage it?" she asked me with curiosity. I beamed at her.

"Roger's sister offered to carry for us....she's 16 weeks along..." I couldn't hide my excitement and Chrissie didn't seem disappointed in any way. She reached up and threw her arms around me which was so satisfying and validating.

"Brian...I am so happy for you....for you both really...tell Roger I'm thrilled for you both.." I nodded understanding and she pressed his purse and new tote bag to her side. "I've got to go...do let me know when the baby arrives...." Chrissie waived to me as she began taking quick steps to make the train. I felt heartened and happy as I walked back to the parking area to find my husband and his 'girlfriend.' 

Roger's POV

"It was no trouble Roger...I assure you..." Brian's mother had cooked a lovely dinner for us all from the contents of our kitchen and surprised us when we arrived back at the house. We got Jo to stay for a home cooked meal and we enjoyed the chicken casserole and roasted vegetables. Ruth even made a nice pudding for us and Clare had felt well enough to join us for some food. I finished my plate and walked them to the sink. 

"Everything was delicious Ruth...thanks again..." I told her as I ran some water to prepare to do some dishes. Jo came over to help and we both got busy with cleaning up as Clare excused herself to return to bed and Brian and his mother put Tiger Lily down for the night. 

"This turned out to be a nice day...thanks for the invite Rog.." Jo remarked as she dried the dishes I handed her. I smiled at her and rinsed another plate.

"Thanks for putting up with my bad mood earlier today....at least things turned out better than they started.." I replied. "Clare is feeling better and Chrissie is practically married off.." I added. Jo smirked at me.

"Chrissie really pushes your buttons doesn't she?" Jo suggested to me. "And she's such a helpless little creature...." she said to me in a snarky tone. I rolled my eyes as I drained the sink.

"Oh.. helpless? She had my husband by his fucking testicles..." I chortled back. We both started laughing and didn't stop as Brian and his mother returned to the kitchen.

"You're both in good spirits.." Ruth observed as she gathered her things. Brian had an amused grin on his face.

"They're probably making fun of me..." he told her and I bit my lip to keep from acknowledging the truth.

"No comment..." I finally blurted out and Jo and I gave each other a expression of controlled hilarity. Ruth was leaving and Brian was driving her home. I kissed her goodbye and they left as Jo and I poured a glass of wine and leaned against the kitchen counter. 

"To a day at the races!" Jo toasted and I tapped my glass with hers and smiled. 

"To winning!" I added and we shared a knowing smile as we walked to the patio for a cigarette and a long goodbye. Jo left after we finished our smoke and our wine. I kissed her chastely and got her in her car to head back to the nightlife of London. I checked on Clare and the baby and went to my room for a shower and some preparation for my victory lap in bed. I was feeling pretty good about myself and put on a record before I went to brush my teeth. I decided on 'Wish You Were Here' by Pink Floyd and started it on side one. I slipped on my robe and stayed naked beneath it as I went back into the bedroom and got comfortable in bed. I enjoyed the low lighting and mellow music and began to sing the words as I waited for Brian.

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun  
Shine on you crazy diamond  
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky  
Shine on you crazy diamond  
You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom  
Blown on the steel breeze   
Come on you target for faraway laughter  
Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine

I sat and listened and wished I could write something as profound as this song. 'Drowse' felt promising and I hoped I could expand on my observations made in my most recent effort. As the middle instrumental part played my bedroom door opened and Brian slipped inside. He smiled at me and walked over and leaned down to give me a kiss.

"Nice choice..." he remarked on my album selection as he went in to the bathroom to change. I felt the anticipation of choosing my desire since my horse was the winner. Brian soon returned as I adjusted myself up against the headboard. He bore that same smile he had when he first came in. I still couldn't tell if it was because he won or because he was trying to hide his loss. He sat down on the bed and swung his legs over and faced me.

"So..." I remarked to him as we shared a buoyant expression between us. "Are you a winner?" I asked him in a arrogant manner. I could see him scanning my eyes for an idea of my own standing in the horse race. I tried to remain unreadable. He finally gave in.

"Who was your horse?" he asked me as he leaned over and ran his hand across the sleeve of my silk robe.

"I picked the winner...same as Freddie and Deacy....and you?" I replied confidently. Brian leaned closer and kissed me.

"Winner's choice then..." he surrendered to me. I pulled him towards me and pressed our lips together. Brian let me guide him as I smirked and took hold of his arms. I got him close to sitting in my lap. 

"How about you sit in my lap for a change?" I proposed to him. He shuffled over and folded his long legs on either side of mine and faced me. He sat taller than me but could easily lean down to meet my lips.

"Now what?" he asked me in an innocent voice. I tugged at his robe to pull it away. 

"Ride me..."

\------------------------

I woke the next morning to find Brian sound asleep next to me. It was reassuring to see him getting some rest. I slipped quietly from bed to use the toilet and padded over and gently closed the door. I relieved myself and washed up before quietly heading back to bed. As I walked past the dresser I noticed Brian had placed his pocket change and some other items on the top. I stopped and smiled at his wager voucher and picked it up to see which horse he had actually bet on. To my complete surprise it read 'Lickety Split!' Wait! That was the winning horse! The same horse I chose. I turned to look at Brian and went over and leaned down and kissed his forehead. He didn't stir. There was an innocence in his face I found endearing. Brian had let me think I won and then allowed me to choose what activities I wanted in bed. I scooted back under the covers and pressed my body next to his and laid my head on his chest. Without fully waking he moved his hand over my shoulders and I felt his warmth and care. I know my reaction to Chrissie yesterday was a bit over the top. It had unsettled me to come face to face with her again and all the uncertainty of that time not long ago was rekindled. But as I laid next to the man I love I felt calm and confident. Brian is so selfless sometimes and I feel so lucky to be the recipient of his generosity. I am spoiled that way and need to remember it more often. I reached up and ran my fingers gently against his soft beard.

Brian's eyes opened slowly in response to my stroking his chin and jawline. His smile warmed me through and through.

"I know...I need to shave.." Brian murmured to me. I shook my head against his chest and smiled at him.

"You're fine just the way you are...." I assured him and meant it in every way.


	84. Kings Will Be Crowned and The World Goes Around - Part 1

19th November 1976

London/Surrey

Brian's POV

"I love it!" Clare cooed as she held up the maternity dress she was fawning over in the shop. It was a corduroy tunic dress in a dark blue. "This will be nice to wear around the house.." Clare added it to her stack of clothes as she looked over the remaining garments on the rack in the maternity and baby shop. "I can't believe how suddenly everything I own doesn't fit anymore.." Clare said to herself as perused a shelf with pajamas on it. I smiled watching her make over her wardrobe for the coming months. Her stomach had grown quite a bit in the past several weeks and her form fitting clothes no longer worked.

"Did you find something to wear to the Christmas party?" I asked her a she gathered up the items she selected. Clare smiled and pointed to something velvet.

"Yeah...that velvet dress.." I picked it up and looked over the burgundy colored velvet swing dress.

"You'll look really good in that.." I remarked as I watched her struggle with the stack of clothes. "Let me help with that.." I told her and took half of her bundle of garments. She smiled at me.

"Thanks Bri..." she said as we walked to towards the register. A sales lady approached us and looked a little frazzled.

"I'm so sorry for not being much help...we are so busy today..." she declared as she reached out to take the clothes Clare wanted. "Is there anything else you needed?" she asked Clare as we followed her to the counter. Clare looked a little sheepish.

"Actually...I need some help with undergarments.." she replied bashfully to the sales lady. I felt a bit awkward as I could see Clare wasn't comfortable asking about this with me standing there. I smiled at her and gestured towards the baby section.

"I'll just go look at some baby things..." I told her and she giggled as I went over to see what they had in the nursery area. I found nothing but white furniture and heaps of plush animals on one wall. They had some cute tiny teddy bears. I ran my hand over the soft fabric as I looked at the nursery bedding. You could get so many different designs on the material. Baby animals, stars and moons, a circus theme. It was overwhelming. I noticed a lot of pink and blue and for the first time thought about what gender the baby might be. It surprised me that I had not given it any thought before. Would I be having a boy or a girl? I didn't really care. But it was fun to imagine a baby sister for Tiger Lily or even a baby brother. Since Clare had begun really showing and we had heard the baby's heartbeat I did find myself thinking more about the reality of it all. She is only halfway through her pregnancy but time was passing quickly. It seemed like it was yesterday she told me she was expecting and now four months have gone by. I smiled as I pondered holding my child and showing it to my parents. Their proud faces and undying love for their grandchild. It felt good to give them this while they are young enough to enjoy it. The time they have spent with Tiger Lily has shown how much they love having a little one around. Now there would be two.

I made my way over to the baby clothes and looked at the newborn layette sets you could buy. There was a beautiful one in a soft lavender that caught my eye. I really liked the little booties and footed pajamas. The tiny t-shirts were adorable. I tried to recall how small Tigs' things were when we first got her. She was about 8 months and her clothes were completely different. So much bigger.

"I'm finished when you are..." I heard Clare announce to me. I turned my head to see her walking up. I smiled and pulled the layette set off the shelf.

"What do you think?" I asked her as I showed her the set. She smiled at me and looked over my selection. 

"You like that color don't you?" she remarked to me. I do love purple and nodded.

"It's my favorite..." I replied. "I mean I love blue...but sometimes I think purple might really be my favorite.." I added. She grinned at me.

"Are you going to get that?" she asked. I looked it over again and felt like buying something for the baby seemed a bit premature. She must have seen the hesitation on my face.

"I don't see a lot of sets in that color Bri....if you like it you should get it..." she informed me. "It's about time you bought something....I'm surprised you've held off this long..." I was surprised at her observation and felt a little embarrassed.

"Well...I recall promising you and Rog that I wouldn't obsess over the baby..." I reminded her. She laughed lightly and took hold of my arm as he began dragging me towards the checkout counter.

"When I asked you not to obsess....I meant don't ask me all the time how I am doing...how I am feeling...how much longer...watching everything I eat or drink....telling me I can't do this or that.." she explained as we approached the register. The attendant seemed pleased to find another purchase to add to our bill. 

"I hope I haven't been a nag Clare...I've tried to keep my distance.." I replied sincerely. She leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"You've been brill Brian! The best actually..." she told me and I felt good that I have not been too much for her. Clare gestured for the attendant to ring up our items and I handed over the layette. 

"I'm glad to hear that.." I said back. We shared a blissful smile as we waited for the bill total. Clare got a funny look on her face and moved a hand to her stomach. It concerned me for a moment but she looked more surprised than worried.

"Shit!" she said out loud but had a smile. I watched her hand and noticed her gently moving it around. She looked up at me with happy alarm. "I really felt it move Brian!" she declared with a huge open mouthed grin. My heartbeat sped up at the idea of it. Clare reached over and grabbed my hand. She placed it on her stomach and pressed it in a little. "Right there....wait for it.." she ordered. I held my breath as I focused on any sensation coming from her stomach. This is the first time Clare has mentioned feeling the baby and I wondered if only she could feel it.

"Is this the first time you've felt them?" I asked her as I kept my hand on her.

"To be honest...I have felt it a few times before...it only ever felt like it was just inside me...this time I actually felt it on the outside.." she revealed to me. My excitement grew as I realized I might actually feel it. We both stood patiently and kept quiet. I suddenly felt something akin to a bubble like feeling. My eyes met Clare's and we shared a wide eyed smile.

"Was that it?" I asked her with my excitement clear in my voice. She nodded to me as she grinned and pressed my hand in further.

"It is....you felt it!" Clare confirmed to me. I felt some bubbles again and actually let out a delighted giggle. I noticed the lady behind the counter watching us with a warm look on her face. I felt marvelous and also felt a bit self conscious. I slowly pulled my hand away and reached over and kissed Clare's cheek. 

"Have I told you today how amazing you are?" I said to her with genuine affection. She smiled up at me and leaned in for a hug.

"Not today....thanks Bri..." she responded.

\--------------------------- 

"Oh the rain!" I told Clare as we left the shop to head for the car. "Careful..." I cautioned her as she moved quickly to get under the umbrella I produced and opened. I held her close as we tried to juggle the bags and get to the car without getting soaked. I managed to open the car door for her as she slipped in the passenger seat and pulled some bags in with her. I opened the back door and slid the remaining bags inside before rushing to my own door. I got inside and closed the umbrella before pulling it in and closing my door. My pant leg was pretty wet but I ignored it as I started the engine.

"What time is it?" Clare asked and I glanced at my watch. We were right on time.

"We'll be right on time..." I replied and smiled at her as I pulled out to drive to the studio. 

"You know...with the time you will be on tour...you should probably start buying the things you'll need for the baby before you leave in January...there won't be much time when you return.." Clare suggested to me as I headed for Sarm Studios. She had a point. There were just a few weeks between our return from the U.S. and her due date.

"You may have a point Clare....we should draw up a list of the things we will need.." Clare smiled at me and pulled a sheet of paper from her purse.

"Already started..." she informed me. I felt a sense of confidence in Clare being the right person to have a baby with and knew my baby was in safe and capable hands. The drive didn't take long and luckily the rain began to dissipate. It was only sprinkles as I found a parking spot and got out to walk to Clare's side to assist her. She already had her door open.

"I'm fine to get out of the car Brian..." she told me sternly. "No need to fuss.." I felt a little put out at her not liking me tending to her and stuck my tongue out at her. 

She burst out laughing at me as she began walking from the car and I hurried over and covered us both with the umbrella. "Don't get your hair wet...." I told her as I hovered around her. We made our way inside the studio and I checked us in at the reception desk and left my umbrella to drip dry by the entrance. We went to the studio and found the others were already here.

"Finally! Now we can start.." Freddie announced in a mock annoyance. He grinned as he said it and I winked at him as Clare took the empty seat on the couch next to Ronnie. She had Robert in her arms and Roger was sitting in a chair by the console holding Tiger Lily. Deacy was on the other side of the console leaning against the wall.

"How was shopping?" Roger asked us as Freddie sat down next to Mike at the mixing board. Tiger Lily scooted off of Roger's lap and walked towards me.

"Brimi..." she said to me as I scooped her up and held her. I pressed her close and kissed her cheek. She turned her face and pressed her lips to mine. "Mmwhah!" she parroted the sound Roger and I make to her when we kiss her. I smiled at her effort.

"I found loads of clothes...so I'm all set..." Clare told her brother as I warmed up from the chilly rain with my baby in my arms.

"We're ready..." Freddie announced and we all got quiet as he prepared to press the button. "This is our first official listen to the final mix...so without further ado..." Freddie said with purpose and smiled as he pressed the play button. He leaned back in his chair as we all felt the room pulse with the opening notes of 'A Day At The Races.' Roger and I exchanged a happy expression and I walked over with Tiger Lily and leaned against the wall beside him. He reached out and pulled me closer as we all listened to the first guitar chords of 'Tie Your Mother Down.' I sat Tiger Lily down and then bent down to sit on the floor. Tiger Lily climbed into my lap. Roger scooted his chair over a little and reached over to mess up Tig's hair. We both smiled at his show of affection. When Freddie's vocal started Tiger Lily looked over at Freddie.

"Freddie!" she shouted and I pressed my finger to my closed lips and then moved it to hers. 

"Sssshhh.." I said to her quietly. She looked at me with curiosity and then looked up at Roger. He made the same gesture with his finger and lips and she smiled open-mouthed at us and then moved her own finger to her lips.

"Ssssss" she repeated but sounded more like a snake. I kept my giggle to myself but Roger and I shared a look of amusement. I leaned my head back to savor the satisfaction of us finally finishing the album. It had been a long haul since June. I saw how relaxed Deacy was as he stood against the wall by Freddie. I know he is glad to have some time off before we tour in January. We have some promotion work to do but not the schedule demands of late. I glanced over and found Freddie beaming as the songs changed and 'You Take My Breath Away' began. His vocal performance sounded exquisite. 

"Is that all of you or just Freddie?" Clare asked us. I pointed to Freddie.

"Just him.." I replied. Freddie gave a low bow from his chair and Clare looked impressed. She raised her hands and quietly clapped to him. My next song came on when Freddie's finished and the lovely guitar sound that reminded me so much of my beloved Beatles began. I smiled at the cymbal crash at the intro of the song and Roger and I shared a contented grin as the song got on its way. I turned back to our little one and began softly singing the words to her.

' You might believe in heaven...I would not care to say  
For every star in heaven  
There's a sad soul here today  
Wake up in the morning with a good face  
Stare at the moon all day  
Lonely as a whisper on a star chase  
Does anyone care anyway  
For all the prayers in heaven...So much of life's this way' 

She held my gaze with her enchanting eyes and seemed to enjoy my little serenade. I didn't sing all the words to her but she easily swayed in my arms as the music played.

The abrupt piano of 'Millionaire Waltz' started. I love the cadence of this song and swayed myself a little from side to side as Tiger Lily watched me. I began mouthing the words and she looked serene as we listened together. Freddie stood up from the console and walked over. He bent down and took hold of Tiger Lily's hand and she got up from my lap and went to Freddie. He picked her up and began dancing to his song with our daughter and my heart filled at the sweet sight. I wished I had my camera handy. He waltzed with her in place since there was no room to really move about the small area. He twirled her about and she squealed in delight. Freddie had quieted her earlier but now relished all her noise as he celebrated his song with one of his littlest fans.

'My fine friend...take me with you and love me forever.....my fine friend.....forever...forever...'

Freddie sang the interlude with his German accent to Tigs and she radiated joy at him. He kept up his little dance as the song came to a close. When it ended he kissed her cheek. "Thank you for the dance princess.." he cooed to her before returning her to me. I got her settled down as Deacy's song 'You and I' began and we all nodded to him to show our affection for the track. He mostly glanced at Ronnie during the song and I felt the warmth of their relationship in their shared expression and the lyrics of the song. It was true. They are both sunny and bright together.

'Somebody to Love' soon started but everyone had heard the song. It had already been released as our first single on the 12th. It was getting heavy airplay on the radio. Kenny Everett touted the song to all his listeners on Capital Radio. He had arranged for Freddie to do a live playing of the new album in a few weeks on his weekend show. We hoped the single would be number 1 by then. Roger and I began singing backup out of habit and Tiger Lily watched us both as we covered our parts in soft voices. I clapped her hands in time on the song and she swayed her body to the gospel rhythm. 'White Man' started soon after and it was a subdued listen. The lyrics are heavy and everyone just sat and listened. 

"I told you using the chord right there would make an impact..." Roger remarked to me as we kept listening. He was right. A suggestion he made about my guitar work on the song did improve it. I nodded agreement. "This mix is really good.." he complimented me and I smiled at him as we finished listening to my song. Freddie's last number started and we all bopped our legs and enjoyed the rollicking fun of 'Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy.' As the song was nearing the end Deacy shook his head and giggled.

"That song is so gay Freddie..." he remarked to him earnestly. Freddie laughed and dismissed Deacy's remarked with a flourish of his hand.

"It is... but it's solid gold darling..." he argued back. We all laughed as the song played it last few notes. It ended and I gave Tiger Lily an excited face.

"Here is Papa's song!" I told her before my lazy long guitar strokes started up. Tiger Lily got wide eyed and turned to look up at Roger.

"Papa....song!" she said to him loudly. Roger looked elated at her excitement and reached over to take her from me. I released her into his safe arms and he snuggled her as his vocal started. I glanced over at Clare who was listening and gently caressing her stomach. I wondered if she had felt the baby move any more since we arrived at the studio. She caught me looking at her and gave me a small smile. She patted her tummy and I smiled back.

"The guitar is amazing!" Clare spoke loudly and I nodded understanding.

"The vocal is not so bad either.." I said back and felt Roger kick my leg with his foot. It was all smiles as his ode to taking it easy while musing about life played on. I lost myself in the drone like tempo and felt Roger's song writing skills were really improving each year. Each new effort revealed his intelligence and unique way of telling stories. The final number, my ode to our Japanese fans, soon started. I recalled how much fun it was to get the translation with the help of our beloved Japanese friend, Chika. It had been grand to show her a bit of London when she journeyed here to work with Freddie and I on the song. I hoped we could release it in Japan as a single. I felt it held great promise to get in the top ten. Our final piece of instrumental music played out the album and Mike hit the stop button once it faded. He turned in his seat to look at us all.

"Well?" he asked us all. I felt quite proud of our accomplishment and was so grateful to be involved musically with these people. We all seemed pleased and Freddie leaned over and patted Mike's arm.

"I think we can all agree...this is a solid piece of work...and kudos to you Mike for your ingenuity at the board...." Freddie is right. Mike brings so much to the table. He set us free to produce this album ourselves but kept us on course and provided the incredible mixes we heard just now. I stood up from the floor and walked over to Mike.

"It's brilliant Mike! We couldn't have done this without your guidance....thanks for your hard work...we know it's been a long haul...." I reached down and gave him a grateful hug. Deacy soon followed me with thanks and a hug of his own. Roger got Tiger Lily on her feet and shook Mike's hand.

"Now let's hope it debuts at number 1!" 

\-----------------------------

4th December 1976

Roger's POV

"Let me just touch him up.." the makeup girl announced as she leaned over and used a powder coated brush to lightly cover my cheeks and nose. She looked at me intently and then ran her brush over my chin and then blotted it a bit on my forehead. She turned around to the producer. "He's ready..." she announced and then turned back to me. She bopped me on the nose with the brush again and leaned close. "You are just lovely...." she purred to me but then looked a little embarrassed as she pulled the paper cover from my shirt collar and dashed away from the set. I grinned at her innocent flirtation and checked my clothes for any makeup residue. It all looked good. 

A sound man walked up and began attaching a small microphone to my shirt. He then moved it to be hidden from view and then tapped the head on it. "Can you say something? Normal speaking voice..." he commanded. I nodded and adjusted my head to how it would be for the interview.

"Testing....testing..." I said to him. He nodded that he could hear me in his headphones and walked away. The perky show host walked up and smiled at me. 

"Roger! It's good to see you again...thanks for being on the show today..." she remarked as she leaned over and we shook hands. She got settled in her chair. "We're on in less than a minute.." she warned me. I nodded understanding and tried to relax as the producer counted us down to be on the air. Sally did some quick stretching of her face muscles and then smiled as the producer signaled to her. She instantly looked into the camera to my side and smiled.

"I'd now like to welcome to Saturday Scene...Roger Taylor....hello Roger.."

"Hello Sally...nice to be here.."

"How are you?"

"Very well thanks..."

"Nice to see you again...it's a long long time since you were last on Saturday Scene..I think in fact it was just before the American tour before last.."

"Yes...something like that...quite a while...it was before Bohemian Rhapsody.."

"Yeah...now you've had two very successful American tours since then...and you came back from the last one at the beginning of this year...what's been happening for Queen since then?"

"Ahhh...since the beginning of the year? Well...basically we've done an album which took a long time to record...and we took some time off in the middle of that to...um...do a few concerts..uhh..two in Edinburgh...one in Cardiff...and one in London at Hyde Park.."

"Yes...that was obviously very successful..."

"The big free one..."

"We read a lot about that...now...the album...I've got a copy of that here...A Day At The Races....now you say it took a long time to record...how long did it take to record?"

"Well...including the sort of three weeks that we off to do the concerts in the middle...about 5 months...something like that..." 

"Why does it take so long...is it because you are such perfectionists?"

"Ahahhh! I don't know...perhaps we're slow.....um....it's hard to say really...we just like to get things right....um...it's just the amount of time that it takes...until it sounds right...and it feels right.."

"Now...you've written one track on the album...in fact you've written one track on every album...this one though.."

"My annual track!"

"Yeah...your annual writing...thing...it's called Drowse...and it's a lot different to the rockers we've heard from you before...what's the reason for that?" 

"I suppose so...I think...I...I...seem to have a bit of a rock and roll tag.."

"Yes.."

"Um...I have my quiet moments as well...and this is one of them...just kind of a slightly more relaxed thing than usual...it's rather American...it turned out...and you never know until you've finished...you can't sit back and judge it all until you've actually finished it..."

"Now...the title 'A Day At The Races...and in fact...also before with A Night At The Opera...are both Marx Brothers...titles of their films...aren't they?"

"They are...yes.."

"Was that deliberate?"

"Well..it started out...we got the first title after watching a video of A Night At The Opera while we were recording the album and it seemed to fit in so well with just some of the things we were doing on the album...um...for instance...some of the little operatic bits..in Bohemian Rhapsody...and things like that....it went well...and when we were trying to think of a title for this one...A Day At The Races was the film after A Night At The Opera...so...that's what we went with..."

"I see...and is this going to be a trend you think? ...To always adopt a title.."

"Oh...no...no...no...it's just the way it turned out.it just seemed to fit well.."

"That lovely....so Roger...the holidays are fast approaching....any big plans for your holiday time before your next tour?"

"Just some time with my family before we leave for the states in early January..."

"Will you be spending Christmas with your daughter?" 

"Yes...this year should be loads of fun...Tiger Lily is two now so she is into everything.."

"Roger...it's been lovely talking to you and we can hear in the background...Somebody To Love...so let's not only hear it...let's have a look at it as well..."

The producer signaled to us as being off the air and Sally smiled at me.

"Roger...thanks for a lovely chat..." she told me as she stood up from her chair. I stood as well and she leaned over and kissed my cheek. "If you're ever interested in bringing your little one on the show with you.. I know your fans would be thrilled to see her..." I found her request a bit intrusive but smiled at her and shook my head.

"I really prefer to keep her out of the limelight..." I remarked as we walked off the set towards the dressing rooms. 

"I understand...to be honest...our producer asked me to request this from you.." she seemed apologetic so I didn't get upset with her. She is just doing her job. 

"Well...sorry to disappoint Terence.." I replied to her. We shared an understanding smile as I walked to the dressing room they had for me. "Have a good day..." I said to her as I went inside to get my coat and my gift bag. The production assistant had handed me a gift bag when I arrived and I had not seen the contents. I pulled my coat on and took a peek inside. There was a shirt with the show's logo on it and some samples of some beauty products. I laughed when I saw they were all for women. Clare gets another gift. I considered starting a line of my own beauty products for men as we I left the television studio.

I drove straight to the offices of our new home decorator Trish. Jo's sister had helped us with some home decorating in the last month. Brian and I agreed to have this work done as our Christmas present to each other. She came to the house and went through each room with us. We selected new furniture, accessories, paint and floor coverings. A crew was arriving on Monday to paint and lay carpeting. With the fumes and disruption to our house, we decided to make a trip to Truro to see my Mum. We haven't been there for ages. I parked my car and dashed in to Trish's office to leave a key for our house and headed home. The traffic wasn't bad so I made good time. I arrived to find my family busy with preparing to leave for our trip. Clare was in the kitchen placing some things in the baby bag.

"Hey...everyone about ready?" I asked her and kissed her head as I walked by. She waived me on.

"Yeah...just getting some snacks for our girl..." she remarked as I went upstairs. I heard the radio playing and found Brian folding some clothes on the bed. 

"You ready?" I asked as I walked in. He smiled at me and placed the clothes in his suitcase.

"Almost..." he replied and stuffed some socks in his bag. "Tiger Lily is in her room...I told her to pick out some toys to bring.." I went to our daughter's room and found her sitting at her dollhouse. It had been pulled to the center of her room along with her furniture since it was being painted. 

"Hey baby girl...did you find some toys?" I asked as she looked up at me. She got up from the floor and walked towards me.

"Toys Papa..." she replied and had some of her dollhouse furniture in her hand. I found her choice a little strange.

"You can't take your dollhouse baby....let's find some smaller toys to pack...alright?" I suggested and walked to her toybox. She came over and dropped her furniture in the box and we pulled out a few things for her to bring. I found a tote bag and we filled it up with some books, plush animals and the toys we selected. I got her bags and we made our way to meet the others.

\------------------

"Oh....Freddie called while you were gone..." Brian informed me as we headed towards the entrance to the motorway. "He found out from Reid that we have almost a half million in advance orders for the album..." I turned and smiled at my husband. 

"Half a million?" I asked him in disbelief. Brian reached over and took my hand.

"A half million Rog...." he confirmed. "And the single is rumored to be at #2 on tomorrow's chart results..." I squeezed his hand as we both looked quite smug. 

"Well..." I replied with a pleased tone. "That's our home decorating paid for.." We all laughed with satisfaction. "If we do well enough....we can pay off the mortgage.." I added. I glanced at Brian and swelled with pride at how far we have come. From scraping by during our university days to living in a small mansion in the countryside. From that beat up van that we had to haul ourselves to gigs to owning two cars. Well - my new car was arriving soon. Custom ordered. But we paid cash for it. Brand new. We truly are making it these days.

"We'll have a toast at dinner..." Clare remarked. "Mum will be thrilled to hear the news.." I laughed at Clare.

"Mum will be more excited to feel the baby move..." I reminded her. We all shared a knowing look between us. Money was impressive but my mother cared more about grandbabies. We carried on about how my mother would be fawning over my pregnant sister while we traveled west. I enjoyed getting out on the open road and Clare and Tigs both fell asleep during the five hour drive. Brian had the radio on, but kept the volume low and we talked but spent some time savoring the quiet and down time from our hectic schedule of late. Before long we arrived in the city limits and I drove the familiar path to my childhood home. I got parked and we exited the car. Brian pulled Tiger Lily from her car seat as I grabbed her baby bag. The front door to the house opened and my mother came down the walkway towards us. She looked perfectly dressed and groomed as always and held out her hands towards Tiger Lily.

"Hello everyone!" she declared and wiggled her fingers on her outstretched arms. "I need to hold my grandbaby..." she ordered as she approached Brian.

"She's just woke up..." Brian told her as he leaned down to let my mother take the baby into her arms. My mother instantly held her close and I watched her inhale her scent and smile deeply.

"Oh....she is so lovely..." she muttered to herself as she stood and cuddled my half awake daughter. Clare approached her and my mother squealed at her.

"Look at your tummy!" she shouted with glee. Clare laughed as she got within touching distance. My mother freed a hand up and pressed it gently to Clare's growing stomach. My mother looked like she was in heaven. I walked up and kissed my mother's cheek and began the path to the front door.

"Hi Winnie..." Brian greeted her and they exchanged a kiss as well. 

"Dinner's ready!" my mother announced as we all headed to the front door. I stepped inside and caught a whiff of the pot roast and sighed. Now...this was my kind of heaven!

We all got settled in at the house and enjoyed the home cooked meal. We were all tired and sat quietly to watch some television after my mother got Tiger Lily laid down to sleep. It wasn't long before we all gave in and called it an early night. I felt too young to go to bed so early but the long drive and early call for the television appearance left me drained. Brian and I headed to my room. It had been a long time since we both shared my tiny room and I laughed lightly as we prepared for bed. I finished changing clothes as Brian returned from the bathroom. He sat on the bed and patted the mattress.

"Ready to join me?" he teased and demonstrated the lack of space. We are so used to our enormous room and bed these days. Spoiled. Brian got under the covers as I turned out the main light and sat down to crawl in next to him. My old bed was narrow and the best way to sleep was on our sides. I laid down facing him and he pressed a kiss to my forehead as I got comfortable. 

"Comfy?" I asked him and Brian murmured an answer as I slid close to him. He already felt warm under the covers and it was good for my chilly body. 

"I can't believe I get to sleep next to a television star..." he remarked to me as I snuggled into him. He wrapped an arm around me. I leaned forward and kissed his nose.

"Keep up the flattery and you might get laid this weekend..." I taunted. Brian moved his lips up to mine and we kissed gently.

"I seem to recall this bed has a terrible squeak...." he reminded me. I made a cursory motion with my body and heard the telltale grunt of the coils below us. We both softly giggled.

"Oh well....we can wait till we get back home..." I countered. Brian kissed me firmly and I smiled against his lips.

"Now...now...who cares about a little sound effect while we do it?" Brian responded. It seemed bold of Brian to not care if everyone knew what we were doing and exactly when.

"I seem to recall the last time we got it on in this room my sister filed a grievance..." We both laughed again at the memory. 

"You know...that was when your mother hinted at one of you giving her a grandchild if I recall..." Brian observed. His words rang familiar. 

"Oh yeah...." I agreed with his recollection. "I remember telling Clare we were working on that very problem when she complained about us fucking..." Brian laughed as he kissed me again and ran his hand up under my shirt.

"Well...I think you've both delivered on the baby making front..." Brian commented as he caressed my chest with his fingertips. 

"I guess we did...yeah..." I told him sleepily as he made me relax with his tender touch. I felt soft and heavy as I slipped into a contented sleep in my husband's arms.


	85. Kings Will Be Crowned and The World Goes Around - Part 2

5th December 1976

Truro Cornwall England

Winnie's POV

I am always up before my children. No matter their age my job is to be up and presentable and preparing a lovely breakfast. They don't live here anymore and have made a life completely different from my own. I miss them terribly at times but I do understand. Roger has been given opportunities because of his immense talent and I have to share him with the world now. And what a gift he is. So much energy and passion. Such lust for life and boundless love. I smiled with pride as I recalled his television appearance yesterday. He was so charming and well spoken as he discussed their new record. I didn't make a big fuss over it to him but I made sure all my girlfriends knew about it so they could see my handsome son on the telly. My friend Roberta called right after the show ended to ask again if he was single. It still feels odd to lie about his romantic situation but I don't mind. My son is happy and has a good life. Brian is a wonderful person and such a warm and caring soul. He helped Roger through such a difficult shock with Tiger Lily's appearance in his life. I am so grateful Roger has him. They are quite a unique pair.

I knew instinctively when Tiger Lily would be awake and got her cleaned up, fed and dressed quietly. I found her toy bag and arranged them for her in the living room with the television on a children's program. She is the sweetest child and I hoped the new baby would be just as easy to manage. Clare does such a good job with her and Tigs is loved but not spoiled. I poured the boiling water in the cups and stirred them carefully as they steeped. The fragrance of the breakfast tea filled my nostrils and it was incredibly soothing. I grabbed my tray and placed the three cups on it before I smoothed out my apron and carried the tray from the kitchen. I was careful on the stairs as I made my way to Clare's room. I balanced the tray against me as I knuckled her closed door.

"Morning Mum..." I heard Clare answer my inquiry. I smiled as I managed the door and walked in with a cheerful greeting for my beautiful daughter. She was sitting up in bed and reached over to take a cup from my tray. "This is lovely...thanks.." she remarked as she tentatively sipped her hot drink. "Where's our Tiger?" Clare asked me. 

"She's playing in the living room and watching a show..." I explained. Clare went to get up but I stopped her. "She's fine dear...I'll just be a minute with the boys and get right back to her..." I remarked. She pulled the blanket back over her lap and held her stomach as she grinned at me. 

"Thanks...a lie in would be nice..." I smiled at her and headed out of her room. I got her door closed and walked straight to Roger's room. I tapped gently and waited. 

"Morning Mum..." he called out. I got his door open and walked in to sleepy smiles from my boys. Roger was facing the door and pushing his hair out of his face. Brian had his chin resting on Roger's head and had a contented look.

"Morning Winnie...thanks for the tea.." Brian said as I placed the tray on the nightstand and walked over to them. I leaned over and kissed my son's head and then Brian met me halfway for a quick peck.

"Thanks Mum..." Roger said as he yawned. They looked adorable cuddled together and it warmed my heart to see them still so happy after all these years.

"Breakfast in an hour?" I suggested to them. Roger nodded to me as he pulled the blanket off him to get up for their tea. "I laid out some fresh towels and soap out for you..." I left the room and headed down to mind our precious girl and prepare a lovely meal for my children.

\------------------------

"I've brought you a copy of our new album..." Roger informed me as he walked into the kitchen holding a paper sack. He slipped the album out to show me as I placed his bacon, potatoes and eggs on a plate. It looked just like the album they had shown on his television program yesterday. 

"Thank you dear...we can listen to it after we eat.." Roger nodded and placed the album on the hutch before he took a seat at the table.

"Brian should be down in a minute.." he remarked as I served him his food. "Thanks...this looks great..." Roger quickly grabbed his fork and began eating. I returned to the stove to finish Brian's food. I checked on his tomato slice and mushrooms as I began cooking his eggs. 

"When does the album release?" I asked him as I watched the eggs. 

"On the 10th..." Roger replied between bites. "We have a party that our manager put together..." There was always something filling up their calendar these days. It seemed like the boys were busier than ever. I called and found them out or busy quite often over the past months.

"Have you all had any breaks? It seems like you've been so busy for months..." I remarked. 

"It has felt non-stop to be honest....It probably doesn't help that we chose to move and then redecorate but with a tour in the new year there just isn't any other time for it..." he explained.

"Don't forget you have a baby on the way....you managed to fit that in as well.." I reminded him. Roger stopped eating for a moment.

"You know Mum....sometimes I almost forget....it's just been that hectic..." Roger looked regretful of his honest comment. 

"Well that baby will be here before you know it young man.." I informed him with amusement. I was trying to lighten his mood. He smiled at me as he got some eggs and potatoes on his fork.

"I know...I know....don't worry...we've got a plan..." he assured me. "Clare is seeing Alli today.." Brian walked in the kitchen holding Tiger Lily. She was playing with his hair.

"Ready to eat?" I asked him as he took the seat next to Roger. 

"I am hungry....thanks..." he replied. I plated his food and carried it to him. He sat Tiger Lily on her feet and she walked over and leaned into Roger. 

"Where Bear?" she asked him. Roger smiled at her and tapped his finger on her nose.

"Clare Bear is sleeping in baby girl..." he informed her as he grabbed a strawberry from Brian's plate on the table and handed it to her. I enjoyed watching my son interact with his daughter. It was so natural and effortless for him these days. They had grown close and his love was evident in everything he did for her. It was heartening after seeing him struggle to accept her in his life that first year. Roger finished his breakfast and pulled Tiger Lily into his lap. I should have been doing the dishes but found myself proud of how that precious girl has grown and how happy and content she is. They got up from the table and Roger walked over to collect his new album. 

"I'll get the dishes Winnie...go listen to the album..." Brian suggested while he finished his food. I smiled gratefully at him as he sipped his orange juice.

"Thanks Brian...you're a gem dear..." I slipped my apron off and followed my son into the lounge to listen to their latest effort. 

"Careful Tigs...I've got to put the record on.." Roger was prying the album out of Tiger Lily's little fists as he switched on the hi-fi console. He was fiddling with the controls when I heard him curse. "Shit!" Roger exclaimed. He turned and looked at me. "How old is this console Mum?" he asked me as he opened the cabinet to look at something.

"How old is this console Mum?" he asked me as he opened the cabinet to look at something

"Your father bought that hi-fi in '65'...I believe.." I reminded him. Roger sighed and closed the lid on the console.

"I wonder when this needle was last changed....you've not got any replacements..." he remarked as he left his album on the top and walked to the kitchen. "I need to get my Mum a new needle for her stereo Bri..." I heard him tell Brian. "I'll be right back..." Roger walked back in and looked at me.

"So you're off to buy me a new needle then?" I asked him. He pulled his shoes on and grabbed his coat.

"Well...I can't very well play the record without one..." he replied with extreme sarcasm. I smirked at him but walked up and swatted his bottom.

"Cheeky!"

\-----------------------

Roger's POV

I drove through the business center of Truro and headed for Ford's Record shop. I was surprised to find it had been replaced with a HMV shop. I pulled over and popped out of the car. It was quite chilly and I was grateful I wore my heavier coat. I went inside and found the place pretty busy. It is Christmas season so I shouldn't be surprised. I walked to the rack of turntable needles and began looking for the right model. As I checked for the model number I had a surreal feeling of being watched. I looked up to find several young people staring at me. One teen girl walked my way and was holding a copy of our new single. I found my desired needle and pulled it from the holder.

"Are you really him?" she asked me as she pointed to my caricature on the picture sleeve of our record. I found her choice of words amusing but smiled at her and nodded.

"Yes...I'm really him..." I replied with warmth. Her face lit up and she gave me the biggest grin. The others overheard us and moved closer.

"Would you sign your record for me?" the girl asked politely. I couldn't deny them and gestured to the store counter.

"Sure...we'll need a pen though..." I informed her. She beamed at me and followed as I walked to the counter. There was no one working the register so I looked around the store as several others formed a group around the girl waiting on me. A young man came rushing up to us.

"Sorry...getting some more copies of..." he announced in a hurried voice but stopped when he saw me. He stood still and glared at me.

"You're Roger Taylor!" he announced in a surprised tone. I smirked at him and felt amused at the level of shock on his face.

"I am yeah.....do you have a pen I could borrow?" I asked him. He was frozen for a moment and then seemed to shake himself loose and reached under the counter to get a pen. He produced a felt tip pen and I smiled as I took it from him. "Thanks..." The eager girl handed me her record. "What's your name love?" I asked her sweetly. Her eyes practically burst out of her face.

"Laura..." she replied with a hushed tone. I personalized my autograph and signed my name and the year below it. I handed it back to her. Her copy was quickly replaced with another girl's copy and she hovered close to me.

"I love your coat!" she remarked as I smiled and placed the record on the counter to sign it.

"Thanks... what's your name?" I asked as I readied the pen. I noticed about four others loitering nearby. 

"Maggie..." she told me. I wrote her name and finished my autograph to her. "I can't believe you are here!" she declared. 

"Well...he is from here...aren't you Roger..." one of the boys nearby responded. He looked about 14. 

"I am...grew up not far from here..." as soon as I said that I wondered if I should have mentioned it. I hoped none of the fans would try and find my Mum's house. I was hoping for a peaceful visit. 

"Does your family still live here?" another person asked. I was hesitant to answer and was saved by the voice of someone approaching. 

"Go on....all of you...leave the man be..." a woman shouted at them. She was making a gesture for them to move away from me. I got a better look and recognized her face. I couldn't believe it! It was Jill! After all these years.

"Jill?" I asked in complete disbelief. She smiled at me and reached out her hand.

"Yes...it's me you daft sod..." she told me with a hint of mirth in her voice. I still couldn't believe I was looking at my old girlfriend. It had been so long since I laid eyes on her. "Quit gawking! You look ridiculous!" she barked at me. The kids looming around all giggled and I felt a bit embarrassed at my reaction to her presence. She grabbed my arm and began leading me to the back of the store. 

"How long have you been back?" I asked her as I blindly followed her to the door to the storage room. She opened the door and we slipped inside. She locked the door and turned to smile at me.

"Roger Meddows Taylor! As I live and breathe...I never thought I would see you again..." she didn't answer my question and stood with her arms folded on her chest and looked me up and down. "My goodness! You sure have changed....look at you..." she sounded partly amused and partly impressed.

"Jill Johnson....how long have you been back in Truro?" I asked again. She smiled warmly at me and placed her hand on my arm. 

"About a year....I came back after my band broke up and I ended things with Clive..." she explained. I looked her over and found her still so youthful. Her hair was grown out from her signature pixie cut and she still had that same elfin quality about her. I forgot how short she was but she was still feisty. Her actions on the store floor had shown that.

"You look good Jill...the road wasn't too hard on you.." I remarked as we both eyed each other. "Sorry things didn't work out with Clive..." she lowered her eyes for a moment but then met mine again with warmth. 

"I guess things worked out well for you Rog....congratulations on your success...Queen has really made a name for itself..." she said with complete sincerity. Before I could say anything there was a knock on the door. She walked over and opened it. "Yes?" I heard her say. The sales clerk mumbled something to her and she nodded as she listened. I watched her and remembered all the things about her when we were together. It was so long ago. It felt like a lifetime had passed. It had been 1968 since I last saw her. A broken promise to join me in London when I got settled in school. I remembered her sole visit to my London flat. To tell me about the offer to join The Famous Jug Band. They were making waves in the folk scene and she couldn't pass up the chance to chase her own dream. It had hurt to let her go but I couldn't deny her the shot she wanted. But not everyone makes it. I am so fucking lucky.

Jill kept chatting quietly with the sales clerk as I checked out her small frame in front of me. I felt a hint of desire and fumbled in my pocket and realized I didn't have my cigarettes on me. I still remembered the feel of her naked in my arms. The lazy afternoons spent making out in the back garden of her parent's house. How soft her skin was and the scent of her flowery perfume. I smiled to myself as it really felt like a snapshot of my younger days. She felt like some of the lines from my song 'Drowse.' But that was ages ago and I had moved on. I built a new life without her in London and with new friends and have had the adventure of a lifetime. And discovered the love of my life. Jill finished her words with her co-worker and closed the door. She turned back to look at me with an expectant expression. She walked back over.

"Sorry about that...." she said as she got close to me again. She took my hands in hers and walked me over to a desk. She sat down and kept hold of my hands as she looked me over again. I leaned against the desk edge and smiled at her. "Your hair is long...and so blond!" she teased. It had never been this light shade during our days together and certainly not as long. I was trying to grow it out back then. "But you still look just as good..." she remarked and I felt a touch self conscious at her praise. "So....I read you have a daughter...." she suddenly announced to me. I smiled widely at the reference.

"I do....yeah...." Jill seemed intrigued by me being a parent. "She's two now and she lives with me...." I explained. "She's amazing! I love her so much..." Jill ran her hand over mine. It felt familiar and comfortable even after all these years.

"I read her mother died....I was sorry to hear that....did you love her?" she asked me. I had not thought about Kim in a while and it still hurt a bit to remember it all. I must have shown something in my face as Jill looked remorseful at asking me the question. "Sorry...I guess it's not really my business..." she went to slip her hand away from mine and I stopped her. It felt nice to reconnect with her despite the uncomfortable topic.

"No...it's alright..." I replied to her in a friendly tone. "And the answer is no by the way...to be honest...I barely knew her..." Jill's face softened. 

"So... was she just some girl you met on tour or something?" she inquired. I nodded as I recalled my great mistake that gave me my great gift. I reached up and slipped my free hand into the collar of my shirt to rub my shoulder. 

"I only met her that one time....it was just a fling on the road....I was actually with someone else at the time and it was just a huge mistake..." I regretted revealing that I had cheated. Jill got a funny look on her face.

"Were you with that women I've seen you photographed with? Jo?" she asked me. It occurred to me that Jill had been keeping tabs on me. She seemed to know what had been printed about me in the papers. I felt a little uneasy.

"I guess you've kept tabs on me then..." I commented to her and my tone expressed my concern. She shook her head and laughed lightly at me. 

"Oh! I'm not stalking you....don't worry! You have to realize my mother and my sisters show me everything they find of you in the papers or magazines...they won't let me forget I walked away from you..." she explained and I laughed a little at the thought of her getting cornered by her family with everything printed about me.

"So they rub it in that you left me and now I'm a big star or something?" I questioned and she nodded and laughed. I felt better in knowing she wasn't watching my every move from afar.

"That's about it....you summed it up quite well..." Jill looked amused and we both seemed to drift off for a moment. What would we have been if she had come to London to live with me? Would we have made it and got married? Would we still be together and would I have been as driven to make it with Queen? I had mourned the loss of our relationship and moved on in 1968. My life completely changed by the end of 1969. I wondered what Jill would think if she knew what my real life was like now. What she would think of the fact that I was with Brian?

"Well...to answer your question...no...I wasn't with Jo....and she is just a good friend really..." I told her truthfully. Jill seemed relieved and I wasn't sure if it was because I wasn't upset with her or because I clarified Jo isn't my girlfriend. 

"So do you have someone special in your life?" she suddenly asked. I wanted to tell her that I do have someone but I know the next question would be about who they are. How would I answer her? She isn't some reporter or stranger asking. This is someone I shared so many intimate things with during a special time in my life. My inner most thoughts and dreams. I always remembered her being a discreet person and I doubted she would tell anyone my secret. I just didn't know how she would react to me being with a man.

"I do...someone really special...I'm happy..." was my answer. She smiled at me and pressed her hand into mine.

"I'm glad to hear it...you deserve it..." she remarked. She patted my hand and didn't seem disappointed to find I am taken. I was relieved. "Look...I have to get back to work...it was wonderful to see you....I hope your family is well..." she remarked as her hand slipped out of mine and she stood up. 

"My parents finally split up and my Mum is the better for it..." I answered. "Clare lives with me now....she takes care of my daughter for me..." Jill began walking to the door.

"I saw that she is dating your guitarist....that must be an odd situation..." she remarked as she opened the door. She turned to watch me as I walked over. 

"Yeah...it's a bit odd..." I wanted to laugh at her comment. If she only knew how strange our whole setup was! I reached the door and moved to hug Jill goodbye. She leaned in and kissed my cheek as we embraced. 

"Take care of yourself Roger and I hope to see you again sometime....maybe we can have a real talk then and catch up better..." she commented. I nodded agreement and slipped out of her arms.

"That would be nice....I hope your doing okay being back here...maybe I can look you up next time I'm here..." 

"If it's not in the next six months...I'm afraid you might miss me...I am considering moving to Canada..." she revealed to me. "My sister moved there and she really likes it....I've been thinking about emigrating..." I was surprised to hear this but was glad she has some goals.

"I've only been in the big cities of Canada on tour but it seems like a nice place...I hope it works out for you.." I replied. Jill peered out the door and smiled at me.

"Thanks Roger..it doesn't look too busy out there so you can probably make a clean getaway.." she teased. I smirked at her and pulled the turntable needle from my pocket where I had secured it.

"I might get mobbed at the register..." I joked back. She rolled her eyes and pressed the tiny plastic packet in my hand.

"How about you consider it a Christmas present?" she countered to me. It was a lovely gesture and I smiled gratefully at her.

"Happy Christmas Jill..." I told her and leaned in and kissed her cheek. She smiled in response to my gesture. 

"Happy Christmas Roger...take care..." 

I walked out of the back room and briskly made my way out the shop door. I smiled and remembered our better moments as I got in the car to drive home. My trip down memory lane and my drive was short as I pulled up and got out of the car. I felt light and whimsical as I went inside my mother's house.

"There's the boy wonder!" Alli teased to me as I came in. I saluted my sister's best friend and stood at attention after seeing her.

"Reporting for duty!" I joked back. Clare and Alli began giggling together on the couch and Tiger Lily ran up to me laughing.

"Papa...hug!" Tigs demanded. I reached down and picked up my daughter and felt happy with where my life has landed. Despite the bumps along the way I found myself in a good place. I hugged my baby close and took in her essence.

"Love you girl.." I told her softly and nuzzled my face in her hair.

\--------------------------

Brian's POV

Roger had seem distracted by something all afternoon. We were busy helping his mother with some yard work and winterizing her home. I noticed several times that he was lost in his thoughts. I wondered if something was bothering him. He didn't complain of a headache or not feeling well. I decided to ask him later when we are alone. 

We ordered some pizza for dinner since we didn't feel like dressing up to go out somewhere and we wanted to give Winnie a break from cooking. Roger was in a more focused mood and we all shared some laughs and drinks after we ate. We moved our party to the living room and got settled to watch The New Avengers program on television. Tiger Lily fell asleep in Winnie's arms as we watched another show and the news. Clare soon said goodnight to Alli and walked her to the front door. Winnie carried Tiger Lily to the guest room and Roger disappeared to take a shower upstairs. I watched the weather and then headed up myself. After dressing for bed I used the bathroom to clean up and found Roger going through his closet in his bedroom when I returned.

"Looking for something?" I asked as he went through a box on the floor of his closet. I pulled my robe off and sat on the bed. 

"Just some pictures..." he remarked as he pulled out some envelopes and looked in them. 

"Anything in particular?" I inquired as I scooted back on the bed and watched him. He turned back to look at me with a whimsical expression and a few photos in his hand. He walked over and sat on the bed next to me.

"I ran into an old friend today.." he told me as he looked over the pictures he found. "An old girlfriend actually..." I felt an instant pang of jealousy but bit my tongue at the emotion.

"Really? Was it someone I would have known?" I asked nonchalantly. Roger held up one of the photos and I knew who it was. It was that girl he was with when he moved to London. The one who dumped him to run off with some other band. She eventually hooked up with their guitarist.

"Do you remember Jill?" he asked as he climbed back towards me. I spread my legs and he moved up between them and leaned back against my stomach and chest. He held the photos in his hand and I could see them. I put my arms around his lower waist. I almost felt possessive of him right now.

"I remember her...she was the girl you were dating when you moved to London.." Roger nodded and kept his eyes on the photographs. I looked at them as well and recalled how young he looked then. He looks young now but he really looked like a teenager and often got asked his age in the pubs during that time. They thought he was around 15, not 18. I noticed even then he was remarkably beautiful.

"Do you remember she was supposed to move to London with me?" he asked. I remembered.

"Yes...and she showed up and told you she was joining some band and going on tour.." I recalled his pain and disappointment when she broke off their relationship. He never had a serious girlfriend after that. Just dated and slept around.

"That's right...she was in a folk group when I met her and we both played a lot of the same circuit in Cornwall..." Roger looked sentimental as he spoke. "I left for college and she was to join me when she finished her schedule with her act at the time...The Jayfolk...well...she got an offer from another folk group right before she was to move and she had to take it. It was her dream to be in a real professional folk group. She had a great voice and played guitar...." Roger sounded proud of her and her ambitions. It was nice he felt that way despite her leaving him. The fact that he ran into her today made me nervous. Did he still have feelings for her?

"But she broke up with you when she joined that band? Right?" I asked him. He nodded and turned a bit to look at me.

"She did...yeah...but we were so young Bri...I mean...who knows if we would have made it.." he remarked to me as he pressed his head back against my shoulder and looked up at me.

"Do you still have feelings for her?" I couldn't help myself and had to ask him. Our recent problems with him and women just felt raw again. Roger moved to turn around on the bed to face me. He set the photos down and sat on his knees. He placed his hands on my thighs and looked me straight in the eye.

"In all honesty...she just made me feel nostalgic is all..." he told me in a clear even voice. "And if she made me feel anything more....I would be telling you right now...because we made a commitment to communicate and to be honest about our feelings babe...and that is why I am telling you I ran into her....to be completely honest..." I felt immense gratitude for Roger's growth in the past few months. He has really tried and been serious about our time together in Mack's office. It has paid off. I was honest in asking my question and he answered it without getting angry at me. Progress! I smiled warmly at my husband and ran my hand across his shoulder and down his arm.

"Maybe I should find her and thank her for leaving you all those years ago..." I told him with amusement. "You never had a real relationship after she left...until we got together.." I pointed out. Roger seemed amused as well. 

"Now...I would love to watch you walk up to her and thank her and tell her how grateful you are that you got to have me all to yourself forever..."

"Forever?" I chimed back at him. He slapped my leg and I laughed.

"Remember those vows you took?" he gave me a stern look but it was mixed with mirth.

"Oh those? Well...that wasn't official or legal or anything..." I said back to give him a hard time. Roger reached up and took hold of my coin necklace around my neck and pretended to try and strangle me with it. He had a maniacal but funny look on his face.

"Well till death do us part arsehole!" he barked back. I pulled his hand away from my necklace and grabbed it and got hold of his other arm and threw him down on his back. He laughed at me as I pressed his arms over his head and straddled his thighs. I hovered over him with mock menace.

"I was just kidding...forever works for me.." I said to him sweetly and leaned down to kiss him. He let me brush my lips against his. I moved back but stayed close and stared into his heavenly eyes. He gave me his best smile and I couldn't resist his lips. I kissed him again.

\-------------------------

Roger and I got settled down and fell into a comfortable sleep. It rained that night and the soft but steady pattern of the rain made us sleep quite heavily. No one heard the front door of the house get opened and someone slip inside unseen. I was sound asleep on my back with my husband nestled into my chest. The sound that woke me was the loud declaration that spewed from the mouth of the intruder.

"What the fuck is all this?" someone shouted and my eyes flew open and I instinctively pressed my arms around Roger to protect him from whatever this nighttime evil might be. As my eyes adjusted to the dark I saw someone looming over our bedside wearing a rain soaked overcoat and the smell of alcohol wafted in my nostrils. 

"Christ! What the fuck are you doing here?" Roger shouted back as he moved to pull away from me. "Get the fuck out of my room Dad!"


	86. Kings Will Be Crowned and The World Goes Around - Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the first book of the series we had an incident with Roger's father. It was in the Christmas in Truro chapters if you want to read it again.
> 
> ** Warning of domestic violence in this chapter

6th December 1976

Truro Cornwall England

Brian's POV

"What are you doing son? Are you a fucking poof?" Roger's father's eyes bore down at us with rage in the dim light of the room and his tone held shock and disgust. "Christ! Look at you! Laying there in his fucking arms like his bride or something!" Roger sat up in bed and began climbing out. He was instantly shoving at his father's body. My heart was hammering in my chest and I felt frozen in fear. Please don't do anything stupid Roger! Please don't let him hurt you! Why is his father here? It was all happening so fast and my eyes tried to focus in the near dark to keep watch on my husband.

"Code red!" Roger shouted and pushed his father away and ran to the wall. He banged on it twice. "Code red!" I had no idea what he was doing. What did code red mean?? His father lunged at him and Roger managed to skirt out of his grasp. I found my courage and will and sprang from the bed. I got behind his father and tried to get hold of his arms as he reached for my husband. I was afraid he was going to hurt him. I felt like I had a good grip on him but he jerked his arms up and got loose and then spun around to face me.

"Get your hands off me you fucking queer!" his father spat at me as he spoke. There was venom in his voice and total disgust as he glared at me and I suddenly feared for my life.

"Brian! Watch out!" Roger yelled. I wasn't sure what Roger meant and before I knew it his father swung his fist at my face. It caught me on the edge of my jaw. The force was something I had never encountered before and felt myself lift off my feet. My body shuddered from the impact and I stumbled backwards toward the bed. I landed on the mattress and my feet came off the floor.

"Get off him!" Roger yelled. I felt muddy in my head from the blow to my jaw and from falling down and tried to roll to my side to try and get my bearings. I heard a grunt from someone and the sound of scuffling and furniture being jostled in the room. It was so dark in the room and I could only make out the human shapes going at each other. Why is this happening? What is his father doing in this house? He found us together! He knows! He's going to kill us! My head jerked at the sound of someone gasping and there was a thud. I held my breath in fear as I tried and figured out what the noises meant. The room seemed silent after the amount of chaos I'd heard before. I could hear and feel my heart pounding wildly in my chest and my stomach was twisted in knots. My panting seemed audible as I listened for any clue as to what was happening. "Piece of shit!" I suddenly heard Roger say in a breathy but hateful tone. Relief washed over me upon hearing his voice. I went to speak and found my throat was dry and thick.

"Are you alright?" I managed to squeak out. My jaw was stiff and the pain was growing. I reached up and cupped it with my shaking hand. It felt tender and achy. I could see Roger coming towards me.

"I'm fine...he passed out! Thank god! Shit Bri! He hit you! Are you okay??" Roger's voice filled with concern the more his words came out. He was soon kneeling in front of me and leaned over and turned the lamp on as he place a hand on my thigh. The brightness from the lamp made me see spots for a moment but my vision was soon filled with his father laying in a heap on the floor. He appeared to be unconscious. Roger came into my view and he looked worried as he scanned my face and touched my hand that was holding my jaw.

"Did you knock him out?" I asked Roger with curiosity. He shook his head and turned to look at his father. He made a grunting sound.

"I wish! He passed out...." he explained. "Miserable piece of shit is completely pissed out of his mind!" he remarked as he gingerly touched my cheek. "I'm so sorry he hit you...are you sure you're okay??." Roger's tone was filled with worry. I reached up and touched his arm.

"It's not your fault...I said to him in a cracked voice. "I'm okay....really...just a sore jaw..." I replied and tried to reassure him but as I spoke my voice broke and I felt tears pool in my eyes and the relief I had a moment before turned into an emotional meltdown. There was a loud knock on the bedroom door which made us both jump. I cried out in surprise.

"Code red!" I heard Clare shout through the door. Roger moved to sit next to me on the bed and he pulled me in for a hug. 

"He's passed out....wait outside.." Roger shouted in response to Clare. He held me close and began stroking my hair. "Bri...hey....it's okay....he's passed out and we're going to get up and leave the room...okay?" he told me in a soft, calm voice. His touch and his voice was soothing to me. I swallowed hard to try and get a grip on my emotions and nodded to him. I clenched my fingers into his shirt.

"Okay..." I told him weakly and tried to not hiccup as I spoke. Roger stroked my cheek gently and smiled at me. I worked to take a deep slow breath. 

"I'm going to stand up and I want you to get up with me....and then let's walk straight to the door..." he instructed me. I nodded and choked back a sob and Roger kept a hold of me as he slowly began standing up. I slipped a hand down to brace against the mattress to help me get up. I felt shaky and weak. Dizzy and almost faint. Roger got us both standing and I felt a return of fear as he took a step forward. I stopped and hesitated against him. 

"I don't know.." I choked out in a feeling of panic. We were going to walk by his father. I know he is laying on the floor and I could see his face turned sideways. His eyes were closed and his mouth hung open. All I could think was that he would reach out and grab me as we walked by. I almost fell back on the mattress in fear. Roger took a delicate hold of my face and looked sternly at me.

"I won't let him touch you...." he said to me firmly. "He is passed out cold....we are going to walk by him and leave the room....let's go..." his command and confidence helped. So did the gentle touch of his hand on my cheek. I nodded to him and took a deep breath as Roger walked us forward. He quickened our steps once we got moving and my heart rate felt like it would explode as we hurried to get past the sleeping lump on the floor. Before I knew it we were at the door and Roger was opening it with one hand and holding on to me with the other.

The door flew open and I was pushed out to the hallway. Roger came up behind me and he closed the door. I turned and saw Clare standing by her doorway. She was holding her stomach and looked frightened. Seeing her looking so fragile and scared made my own anxiety diminish quickly. I found my courage again and clenched my fists and walked over towards her. Her arms flew up and I pulled her in for an embrace.

"My god! Are you alright?" she asked us both as Roger came up behind me. Clare started crying and I pressed her close. I couldn't answer and just held onto her. I could feel her overgrown stomach against my own and wanted to protect her and the baby. Roger came up and pulled us both in for a group hug. Fresh tears sprang from my eyes but they were from the relief of knowing we were out of that room and we were safe.

"Where's Tiger Lily?" Roger asked his sister as he held us both in his arms. She sniffed a bit.

"I got her and took her downstairs and told Mum to call the police..." Clare responded in a small voice. "I remembered Code Red Rog...." she told him with more strength in her voice.

"That's my girl Bear..." Roger replied with warmth and love. I wanted to know what was going on but didn't want to break the spell of feeling safe and comforted. Roger slowly pulled away from us. I kept hold of Clare though. It felt good to know she was safe and that she didn't have to witness what happened earlier.

"I can't believe he is here...." Clare murmured to us as she remained in my arms. She started to let go of me and I let her. I exhaled and moved a hand up to wipe at my wet face. "Why did he come here after all this time?" Clare asked Roger in disbelief as he looked at the door to his bedroom. He turned and ran a hand through his tangled hair. He sighed heavily and looked at us both.

"I don't know...but let's get downstairs....the police will be probably here any moment..." he commented. Clare pulled away from me and began to head for the stairs. I took a few steps and still felt a bit shaky. Roger came up and put his arm around me and I felt more solid as we both walked to head downstairs. As we approached the bottom of the stairs I heard some noise outside. There was a knock on the front door and Roger motioned for me to follow Clare as he answered it. Clare and I took a few steps into the foyer but turned to see who it was.

"Hey Keith...." Roger said to someone. I could barely make out the shape of a tall man outside the door. Clare nudged me and I turned to her.

"That's our neighbor....Keith..." she remarked. "I guess Mum called him after she called the police..." I nodded understanding and wondered where Winnie is. I assumed she was locked in her bedroom.

"Where is your Mum at?" I asked her. She glanced back towards the hallway. 

"She was locking her door and barricading herself and Tiger Lily inside..." she explained. She turned away from me. "I'll let her know what's happened..." Clare took off towards her mother's room and seemed calmer than before. I had calmed down myself and wrapped my arms around me as I felt cold with no robe on and the front door letting in cold air.

"I'll let the cops take him..." I heard Roger tell his neighbor. "Thanks for checking on us...sorry for all the trouble..." I felt bad for Roger. No one likes your neighbor knowing your family's private problems. I wondered if this wasn't the first time Keith was aware of something happening in this house. "Looks like the cops are here.." Roger remarked to his neighbor. "Thanks again Keith...you're a good friend..." Roger sounded so mature and together right now. So calm. He turned to look at me and then glanced up the stairs.

"What can I do?" I asked him. Roger gestured down the hall. 

"Make sure Tiger Lily is okay..." he told me. I nodded and headed for his mother's room. As I got to the door I saw it was open and the light was on. I stepped into the doorway to see Clare sitting on the bed holding a sleeping Tiger Lily and Winnie was fumbling with a bottle of pills. Her hands were shaking and so was her body. I felt immediate empathy for the fear his mother must live in during moments like this. I experienced some of it myself tonight. I walked into the room and found a small smile for Winnie. She was trying to get the cap off her pill bottle and began muttering with frustration.

"Let me get that for you..." I said to her quietly and walked over to take the bottle from her. She looked up at me with troubled eyes and held out the bottle with her tremored hand. I carefully took it from her and worked the cap open. I noticed it was a prescription for Valium. She must have it to calm herself. "How many?" I asked her with the same quiet tone. 

"Two dear....thank you.." she replied and sounded flat. I pulled two pills out and handed them to her. She moved her shaking hand straight towards her mouth. I saw a glass of water on her nightstand and grabbed it for her. She took it from me with a grateful expression and managed to sip it. She handed me back the glass and I returned it as Winnie spoke. "Sit down dear...you look awfully pale..." I didn't argue and took a seat at the edge of her bed. She reached out to touch my face and I winced when she pressed her fingers into my jaw. Her eyes grew wide. "Are you alright? Are you hurt?" she asked with great concern. I reached up to nurse my jaw and tried to play down the growing pain.

"It's nothing..." I replied with an attempt to sound dismissive. Winnie was not convinced.

"Oh Brian..." Clare whispered as she rocked the baby slowly.

"That monster hit you didn't he?" Winnie asked me as she reached up and moved my hair from my face. She looked me over closely and turned to Clare. "Go get me a bag of frozen peas..." she told her daughter. Clare gently laid Tiger Lily down with her head on the pillow next to Winnie and looked at me with concern as she got up and disappeared from the room. 

"I'm fine...really.." I tried to convince Winnie. I saw some tears form in her eyes as she kept looking at me. I felt bad for the pain I imagined she has endured all these years in dealing with her husband.

"It's not fine Brian...not all all!" she answered. "Is Roger okay? Is he injured?" I shook my head at her. 

"I don't think he got hit....he's too fast..." I told her with a small smile. Winnie actually cracked a smile at me for saying that and slipped her hand away from my face. Her face too quickly resumed a strained look.

"I'm sorry you had to see this Brian...I thought this was all behind us..." Winnie turned her face from mine and appeared ashamed about tonight's events. I reached over and took her hand.

"Winnie...you don't have anything to be sorry for...this isn't your fault...." I assured her. She brought her other hand up to her face and formed a fist over her mouth. The emotional pain was evident as she tried not to cry but there was a small moan coming from inside her. I squeezed her hand. "We are all okay...that is all that matters...the police are here.." I hoped she would feel some level of relief in my words. I could see that years of dealing with similar situations had taken their toll. There was a lifetime of weariness in her eyes. I had never seen Winnie like this before. I felt immense sadness for her. This is a woman who by all appearances has her life together and is strong and capable. Right now she seemed small and tired and scared. It broke my heart a little to see this hidden truth.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of people upstairs and the apparent struggle to get Roger's father awake and arrested. Clare came walking back in carrying a frozen food bag and forced a smile as she approached.

"I couldn't find peas...but how about some nice carrots...yeah?" she said to me a soft and sweet voice. She handed me the floppy bag of frozen vegetables and I gave her a genuine smile as I pressed it to my sore jaw. It was really cold and it instantly soothed my pain.

"Thanks Clare..." she took a seat next to me and took my hand. "Are you doing okay?" I asked her. She nodded to me and moved her free hand to her stomach.

"We're both just fine....." she remarked. "And we will be bloody perfect when he's gone.." she added. She glanced over at her mother with the same smile. "It's almost over Mum..." she told her with confidence and heart. Roger came walking in to the room and we all looked up at him. I only realized now his shirt was torn and his hair was a frazzled mess. I scanned his face and found no evidence of physical harm. He looked drained though and ran his hand up into the opening of his shirt and rubbed his shoulder. 

"They're taking him out now...." he told us in a quiet voice. "I told them we were pressing charges.." Roger looked earnestly at his mother. "You are pressing charges Mum..." Roger seemed to be telling his mother an order. I wondered if she has failed to do this in the past.

"You won't get an objection from me...." Winnie replied forcefully. Roger seemed to relax hearing this and he moved to leave the room. 

"I'll just see them out..." he remarked and glanced my way for a moment before he slipped out of the doorway. 

\--------------------------

Roger's POV

I watched the policemen drag my father to their car. My father was emitting slurred curses at the officers and I felt embarrassed as I watched a few neighbors poke their head out of their windows to watch the spectacle taking place on my front lawn. I hadn't been party to a scene like this in ages but all the shame returned as I closed the front door and locked it and sighed. I heard the door close on the police car and knew the police were headed to put my father in jail. Why did he come here? What possessed him after all this time to show up in the middle of the night? Drunk! Breaking in my mother's home and coming into my room. How did he know I was even here? I ran the image through my head of him getting the front door open and waltzing inside. Did he go to my mother's room and look in on her? I felt a chill as I imagined him climbing the stairs and approaching my room. Did he stop at Clare's room? Did he see that she is pregnant? I prayed he did not and shuddered when I considered the possibility that he might have opened the door to the guest room and found my daughter sleeping innocently in her temporary bed. I shook this from my mind and moved on to more worrisome thoughts. He had come to my room and found me sleeping in Brian's arms. I can't imagine what went through my father's mind seeing it. His only son. Feeling safe and loved in the arms of another man. I almost smiled at the satisfaction of giving my father so much grief. But I had paid a price. We all had. He had yelled horrible things at us and attacked us both. I suddenly felt the need to check on Brian again. The experience shook him up so badly. Thank god he only got a pop to his jaw. I was grateful my father was so pissed. It didn't take a lot get him to pass out from exertion. I made quick steps to my mother's bedroom and walked back in.

"He's gone..." I announced to my family. I saw Tiger Lily dead asleep on a pillow and was grateful that she would probably have no memory of tonight. No realization of what took place here. Brian stood up from the bed and walked right to me. I opened my arms and felt a sense of calm as we embraced. "You okay?" I asked him softly as we held each other close. I pressed my hands into his back and felt comforted by his presence.

"Are you okay?" Brian asked me in response. I pulled back and smiled at him.

"I'm okay Bri....promise..." I told him. He seemed to believe me and nodded a bit. "I'm sorry about all this..." I told him. He shook his head at me.

"Like I told your mother....don't apologize....this isn't your fault Rog....you didn't ask him to come here....this is on him..." I was heartened that Brian felt that way. 

"No...we didn't invite him....and I don't know why he was here....of all nights to show up.." I began to think out loud. "How did he know I was here?" I asked out loud.

"Maybe someone local saw you and mentioned it to him..." my mother surmised. "You were in town and maybe one of his friends saw you..." she remarked to me. "I didn't tell my friends about your visit....only Alli knew..." I nodded understanding to her.

"Alli wouldn't have told anyone except her boyfriend or her Mum...." Clare chimed in. "She knows you want privacy when you visit....too many people recognize you these days.." I decided it didn't matter how he knew. What was done was done.

"No point in dwelling on it...let's try to get some sleep..." I suggested. Brian kept his arm around me as we turned to say goodnight. Clare didn't get up from my mother's bed.

"I think I'll stay here..." she advised. "We'll keep Tiger with us..." I nodded understanding to her. I know she would feel better being with my mother and knowing where the baby is. I wanted to take Tiger Lily with me but knew she was safe with Clare and my mother. 

"Alright....we'll check the locks and windows and you can lock the bedroom door if you like.." I told her. Clare got up from the bed and walked with us to the door. We stepped out and Clare followed us as we went to check the back door. I found it locked and the windows in the kitchen were secured. "I wonder how he got inside?" I pondered as we walked to the front door. I know I locked it but felt compelled to check again. Clare seemed concerned about something.

"I need to tell you something Rog..." she said to me in a timid voice. I instantly knew I wouldn't like it. I gave her my attention and Brian placed his hand on my arm. "Remember when you told Mum to get the locks changed?" she asked me. I knew where this was headed and didn't like it.

"Yeah...go on.." I replied. Clare glanced down the hallway and looked back at me with guilt in her eyes.

"I don't think Mum bothered with it..." she answered. All the animosity I felt towards my mother for staying in a relationship with my father for so long resurfaced. My fists clenched and I bit my bottom lip in frustration. She never had the fucking locks changed when she knew my father had a set of keys! Getting angry about this was kind of a moot point. The damage was done. I sighed heavily and looked at my sister with an even expression. It wasn't Clare's fault that my mother made a mistake.

"I'll get that rectified tomorrow..." was all I could muster. "Get some rest Bear..." I told her and walked over and kissed her forehead and put my arm around her. "Love you..." I said as we hugged.

"I love you too Dodger.." I gave my sister a solid embrace and then we parted. We both looked into each other's eyes. I could see the effects of tonight in her eyes and I knew mine held a similar weariness. Too many times. To many times we have been through this. I really hoped this was the last. Clare slipped away from me and began walking to our mother's room. I turned and looked at Brian. He was gently rubbing his jaw. I felt instant guilt watching him. "Did you want something for that?" I asked him as we began the journey back upstairs. He shook his head.

"I had a bag of frozen carrots on it earlier..." he replied as we climbed the stairs. "Clare got it from the freezer for me.." I felt better knowing someone had tended to him. We reached the top and I began to walk to my room. Brian grabbed my arm to stop me. "Do you think we could stay in there tonight?" he asked and pointed to the guest room. I understood why but didn't say. 

"Sure..." I told him and Brian opened the door for us. I walked over and grabbed the extra pillows from the chair in the corner and Brian sat down on the bed and put his face in his hands. I was concerned he might break down again but he sighed and ran his hands over his face and winced a bit when they hit his jaw. The guilt of my father's violence washed over me. I walked over and sat down next to him and leaned over and gently kissed his jaw. He smiled at me and turned to face me.

"You are so fucking brave Roger..." he told me as he took hold of my hands and looked at me with admiration. I didn't feel brave. Just physically and emotionally drained. I shook my head at him.

"I'm not brave Bri....I'm just tired..." I told him. He pulled me towards him and kissed me softly on the lips. I am so grateful right now to have him. This gentle loving man. 

"Let's get some rest then..." he told me in his soothing manner. He crawled over to his side and laid down and held his arm out to me. I climbed in next to him and turned around so he could hold me. I suddenly needed to be held and comforted. Tonight's events were over but I was left with that familiar emotional hangover. Once the fear and the rapid heartbeat go away, the ache of a broken family life settled back in. Too many years of stress and worry. Of hoping my father wouldn't drink too much or be too angry about something completely unimportant. Of fending off his blows and trying to forget the hateful things he said to me. Praying he wouldn't start in on my sister and wondering when my mother would have enough. And hating other families whose lives seemed so much happier than ours. I rolled into Brian's back to feel connected to him and he pressed me close. His arm wrapped across me and holding my heart in a way. I moved my arm up to feel his own. He murmured to me as he pressed a kiss to my head. "I love you..." he told me in a whisper.

"I love you too babe..." I replied in a quiet voice. I closed my eyes and hoped for solace in my sleep. And I prayed inside to never become the monster that my father is to my own precious family.

\--The next morning--

I wasn't used to the bed in the guest room and woke up feeling a bit stiff. During the night I had shifted on to my back and was laying crooked with my leg crossed over Brian's. I opened my eyes to find Brian still asleep next to me. I hoped he had slept well enough considering everything. I carefully slid my leg away from him and realized my body was aching from the physical altercation with my father last night. It was an all too familiar feeling from my past. I got off the bed and went straight for the toilet. I relieved myself and cleaned up at the sink. The warm water felt good on my hands so I splashed some on my face. I noticed a faint bruise on my neck and figured it was probably from my father trying to grab me at some point. I hoped it wouldn't get any darker. I didn't have any stage makeup with me. I sighed as I wiped my face off and walked out to go downstairs.

I went into the kitchen to find my mother standing at the counter smoking a cigarette. She was not dressed and wore only her robe and her hair was in a pile of curlers. No trace of makeup was on her face and I noticed how much older she looked. It was striking to find her not made up and manicured. But after last night, nothing surprised me. I walked over and pressed a kiss to her cheek as she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray.

"I'd say good morning...but is it really?" she asked me bluntly. I smiled at her failed attempt to be amusing. 

"It will be when you press charges at the station..." I reminded her. She got a sullen look and turned to walk to the stove. 

"I suppose we have to..." she remarked to me. I walked over and got her attention again and looked at her with a sober expression.

"Yes...we have to...." I argued. "I know this is humiliating for you and you probably think the whole town knows....well they probably do....but it is what it is Mum..." I walked away from her and went to the hutch in the corner of the kitchen. I pulled out the phone book and walked to the table. She came over and handed me a cup of tea.

"What are you doing?" she asked me as I flipped through the pages to find a locksmith.

"Something you apparently failed to do a long time ago..." I responded and tried not to sound too harsh when I said it. I got up from the chair and dialed the phone number I found. I pulled the phone cord to lengthen it and took a seat with my tea as the phone rang. I spoke with the owner and explained the need to replace the door locks on the house. I also advised him we would need 5 sets of keys. He said he would be over within two hours and I hung up. My mother was watching me as she sipped her tea. She didn't seem cross at my actions. 

"Five set of keys?" she asked me. I nodded to her as I stood up to hang up the phone.

"You, me, Clare, Brian and one extra set in case someone loses theirs..." I explained to her. She appeared to be absorbing the information as she grabbed a pan from under the counter and she didn't look at me as she lit the stove.

"Hungry?" she asked me as she walked to the refrigerator. I wasn't hungry but I know making me something to eat would give her something to do and something she could control right now.

"Sure...thanks Mum.." 

\----------------------------

I went upstairs to clean up my room while my mother made breakfast for me. I checked on Brian and found him still asleep. I opened my room door and saw the chaos left behind from the scuffle in the dark. There was a faint odor of alcohol lingering in the room. My dresser had a few drawers pulled out halfway, my bookshelf was half emptied onto the floor and Brian and I's shared suitcase was on its side and our clothes were strewn about. I bent down and picked up my belongings. As I went to grab some shoes I noticed a dark spot on my carpet. Shit! I knew instinctively what it was. My father had pissed himself when he passed out. I sighed in disgust and flung the clothes in my arms at the bed. I quickly gathered everything that didn't appear soiled and tossed them in a pile. I left my room to go get a cleaning agent and found Brian coming out of the guest room.

"Hey..." he told me in quiet voice and walked up to me. "Something's wrong..." he said with concern in his face. I sighed at him as he pulled me into his arms for a hug. 

"My room is a mess and my fucking father pissed himself last night....the carpet is soiled.." I groaned to him. Brian ran his hand gently up and down my back and then pulled me away to look at me. He didn't look upset or disgusted. His eyes were warm and comforting.

"I'll clean your room up...why don't you go have a smoke?" he suggested to me. My love for this man couldn't get any bigger but somehow my heart managed it and I smiled gratefully at him.

"You are the best Bri..." I replied back and Brian leaned over and kissed my forehead. It instantly made things better. 

"Where can I find something to clean up with?" he asked me as I began walking to the stairs. I made a snap decision. I couldn't change what happened last night but I could change a few things.

"You know what? Sod it! I'll buy myself a new carpet!" I exclaimed to him with a real smile. Brian seemed to find my decision a good one. He grinned as he walked to my bedroom.

"That is money well spent...I'll just roll the carpet up then....."

\--------------------------

My breakfast laid heavily in my stomach but I ignored it as I enjoyed a soothing shower. I got dressed and made it downstairs in time to greet the locksmith. He was a pro and didn't ask questions. He quickly got the front and rear doors changed out and handed me the 5 sets of keys I requested. Brian gave me the cash to pay him and the man was gone within an hour.

My mother had disappeared to her bedroom after she prepared food for us all and finally surfaced an hour later. She had dressed and done her hair and makeup. She looked perfect on the outside but I know inside she was engulfed in the anguish of having to go out in public and people knowing what had happened. I walked over to her and kissed her cheek.

"You look lovely Mum..." I told her as she gathered some things in her handbag and slipped on her gloves.

"I guess if we have to do this...let's go..." she responded. I knew it was best to go now before she changed her mind. I ran upstairs to tell Brian we were heading out. He was getting out of the shower.

"I'll be back in a bit...we're going to the station now before my Mum changes her mind..." I explained as he stood and dried off. 

"Before you go...can I ask you something?" Brian looked subdued.

"Sure..." I replied.

"What is code red?" he asked me. I realized I had never told Brian about it.

"Code red? Well....that is a little scheme I devised a long time ago for Clare and I..." I explained to him. "When my Dad used to come home drunk and start something..it was a warning call to her about what was happening..." Brian looked surprised but intrigued by this. "If I shouted 'code red' then she knew to go get help and to stay away to avoid getting hurt..." 

"That is brilliant Rog!" he told me with a sense of awe. I didn't think it was genius or anything. It was a survival tool. A way to warn her and keep her safe mostly.

"It was just about survival..." I replied back. "I also needed to know Clare wouldn't get hurt..." I also realized something else Brian didn't know. It seemed like all my family secrets were spilling out in one weekend. "You know about Clare and I's nicknames for each other...right?" I asked him. He smiled and nodded to me.

"Yeah...she calls you 'Dodger' and you call her 'Bear..' " he confirmed. We had used these names for a long time.

"Well...they just don't rhyme with our names..." I revealed to him. "Clare calls me Dodger because I got so good at dodging the blows from my father..." Brian's face held complete surprise and shock at this news.

"And what does Bear mean?" he asked me in complete seriousness. I smiled widely at him.

"I call her Bear because her bear hugs after my father would hurt me were the only thing that would make it better...." Brian pulled me into his arms and pressed me close.

"I am so sorry that you've had to endure this for so long Rog...you are such good people and don't deserve any of this..." he told me with passion. "I think you are all so brave to have come through this intact..." I wanted to protest his remark about us being intact. But then I realized we are. We have gone through a lot with my Dad but we have always done it together. He may have broken his family but he didn't break us. We are still a family without him. We survived this and will carry on. I felt a sense of pride when I decided to accept Brian's compliment.

"You're right....we are brave..." 

\----------------------------

The drive to the police station was short and I held my mother's arm as we made our way inside. We both held our heads high as we walked to the sergeant's desk. A middle aged man in a uniform looked up at me as I approached. My mother looked down at the ground and I could tell she was feeling a bit uneasy. I tightened my grip on her arm to show her strength.

"Good morning....we need to speak to a detective about our case.." I asked the officer.

"Name please..." 

"Roger Taylor and Winnifred Taylor...we are here to press charges....you are holding my father....Michael Taylor...he was arrested last night...." I explained to him. He looked me over and then my mother and peered at his log book. 

"Breaking and entering....assault....resisting arrest....domestic disturbance..." the sergeant read off the list on his log.

"Yes....we were told to come down today to file a formal report..." the sergeant nodded and turned to pick up a phone.

"One moment please..." he informed us. He dialed a number and then waited. "Barnesy...the Taylor family are here...." the sergeant listened for a moment and his eyebrows raised. He hung up the phone. "If you could wait here.....Detective Barnes will be here in a minute..." 

I guided my mother to some chairs and we took a seat. There were several people wandering about and one of them appeared to recognize me. I hoped they wouldn't approach us. We heard some footsteps and turned to see an older man in a plain suit walk up to us.

"Roger Taylor?" he asked me and stuck his hand out towards me. I stood up and so did my mother as I nodded and shook his hand.

"Yes....are you Detective Barnes?" I replied. 

"Yes....thank you for coming today....though I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.." he said as he crossed his arms over his chest. I was immediately concerned by his words.

"What news?" I asked him. He looked solemn.

"Michael Taylor was transported to hospital early this morning....they think he might have been having a heart attack...."


	87. Kings Will Be Crowned and The World Goes Around - Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains homophobic language.

6th December 1976

Truro

Roger's POV

I should have never come back here. We should have packed some bags and gone to a resort or gone for a visit in Brighton with Trevor and Wilkie. But I can't change what has happened. And I have to go find out what happened to my father. I drove my mother to the hospital and felt a mixture of intense anger and also dread. Did my father have a heart attack? Is he dead? Was he faking to avoid spending a night in jail? I got us parked and made our way to the visitors desk. We were advised to go to the third floor and ask for the charge nurse. We arrived on the floor and found the nurses station. An older woman wearing a nurses uniform and white cardigan greeted us.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes...we were told to ask for the charge nurse...we are here to see a patient...Michael Taylor.." I explained to the woman. Her eyes widened but she kept a composed expression.

"I'm the charge nurse....Miss Gaines...are you family?" she asked us. 

"I'm his son Roger....this is his wife, Winnifred...." I explained. The nurse gave us a look of surprise and glanced towards the hallway.

"Ummm....I'm afraid I'm confused....a Mrs. Taylor is already here and is with Mr. Taylor right now...." she informed us in a calculated tone. My stomach dropped. His fucking girlfriend was here and had told them she is his wife. My mother looked absolutely mortified.

"Well....I guess I'll just wait here then..." she informed me in a curt manner and walked over and sat down in a chair in the waiting area. I knew my mother was embarrassed right now but there is nothing I can do about it. I turned to look at the nurse.

"For your information...that woman in my father's room is not his wife..." I explained to her. The nurse looked conflicted but I didn't want to waste any more of my time dealing with this situation. I also didn't want my mother sitting out here alone for any length of time. "Can I see him please?" I asked the nurse. She nodded and cleared her throat. 

"He's in room 312...follow me..." she advised. We began walking down the corridor and I saw a door open on a room. I instantly recognized the woman coming out. It was her. Moira Dunny. The woman who had been with my father for almost ten years. A woman who knowingly lived and slept with a married man. A man with a good and caring wife and two children. She looked older than last time I saw her. Her red hair was faded and she had developed some wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. She didn't look as young and full of vigor. But I guess my Dad didn't either. She caught site of me and her mouth dropped open a little. She stopped and seemed to hesitate coming any closer.

"Thanks for your help..." I told the nurse and she got the hint and walked off. I turned back to face my father's mistress. 

"Hello Roger..." she actually spoke to me and her voice was low and cautious. I got closer to her and I could feel she was intimidated by my presence. "It's good to see you.." her sentiment felt forced. I know I am probably the last person she expected to show up.

"So he's alive then?" I asked her bluntly. She nodded slightly in response.

"Yes..."

"Well...that's a shame..." I remarked to her. She looked shocked at my statement and her brow furrowed.

"That's a horrible thing to say about your own father..." she scolded. I grinned at her as I walked past her to step inside his room. I could feel her disapproval.

"Don't worry...I'm just here to make sure he lives to face the charges filed against him...if I could get some privacy...that would be nice.... Mrs. Taylor..." I purposely used this title and his girlfriend looked offended at me calling out her lie.

"I was just going for some coffee..." she mumbled to me and marched off in a huff. I turned and faced the door and pushed it open. The sound of medical equipment filled my head as I stepped inside. The light was turned down low and I could see my father sitting part ways up in bed with his eyes closed. He had a hospital gown on him and a cannula of oxygen at his nose. He was incredibly pale and there was a thin layer of sweat on his face. I took a few steps closer and he heard me and looked up.

"Did you get my smokes?" he asked me. I think he believes I am Moira. His rotten luck.

"I don't think you're allowed a cigarette with the oxygen..." I responded back. His eyes narrowed and he focused his gaze on me. "Hello Dad!" I called out to him to confirm it was me. I saw him clench his fists into the bedsheet.

"How did you get in here?" he snarled at me. As soon as he said it he began coughing. He grabbed his stomach and groaned. I have to admit I enjoyed watching him suffer. 

"Well....rather I like it or not....I am family..." I reminded him. He finished his coughing spell and cleared his throat as he kept hold of his stomach. 

"No poofter is a son of mine!" he suddenly snapped back at me. I suddenly remembered last night. He had found me with Brian. I felt a bit anxious but brushed it aside. He is the one in trouble here. Criminal charges and apparently a serious health problem. 

"I am happy to relinquish the position of being your child..." I assured him. "I am just here to make sure you're alive and well enough to face charges..." My father's face drew a scowl.

"I'd like to remind you that it's not against the law for me to walk into my own house...I do own the place....my name is on the deed..." he gloated to me. "There won't be any charges...you can count on that!" he seemed sure of himself. I begged to differ.

"You seem to have forgotten that you assaulted me and also assaulted Brian...those charges will stick..." I argued back. He seemed confused for a moment.

"Who is Brian?" he asked and then his face registered the memory. "Oh! So that's his name...eh? Your fairy friend? I would have thought his name was Nancy!" he had a condescending tone and my anger at him increased. 

"Call us whatever you like....we will be pressing charges...you will go to prison..." I told him boldly.

"I got news for you! No one is going to prosecute me for pummeling two little sodomites! You are fucking disgusting and don't deserve my bloody name!" My father's venom was on full display despite whatever malady landed him in this hospital bed. I wouldn't let him have the satisfaction of feeling immune to the law despite a nervous feeling I got when I considered our homosexuality being in the police report.

"You will be brought up on charges!" I spoke with confidence. He laughed and leaned forward in the bed. I felt his menace from five feet away.

"You listen here!" he warned me and raised his finger at me. "There won't be any charges filed...because if you do...I'll be calling every newspaper in this country to tell them all about my poofter son and his boyfriend....how do you think your band and your career would fare after news like that...eh?" I knew he was serious and would do it. Shit! A vision of Brian and I on the cover of every newspaper and magazine with the word 'gay scandal' next to our faces filled my head. We would be ruined and the band would be over. Freddie might be outed and our chance to make any money in the future would be finished. I never hated my father more than I do at this moment. But he had me cornered. I felt anguished inside about this whole situation and wanted to cry. I had to give in. I don't have a choice.

"Leave us alone...we'll forget the charges..." I replied in abject defeat. He bellowed at me.

"Damn right you will!" he coughed again and I prayed he might choke. He cleared his throat. Before he could say anything else there was a knock on his room door. It opened and a doctor appeared.

"Oh good! You have some family with you..." the doctor walked up to me with his hand extended. "I'm Dr. Halford....and you are?" 

"Roger Taylor...his son..." I replied and heard my father made a disgruntled sound from his bed. I turned and shot him a warning look.

"Well...I have some test results and wanted to go over them with your father...please join us..." the doctor advised me. I nodded and watched the doctor open a flip chart and then look over at my father. "Mr. Taylor....your results didn't show any sign of a heart attack but you do have some minor artery blockage.....the main issue today seems to be your pancreas..." I wasn't surprised by the doctor's findings. With the amount of alcohol my father consumes it made sense he would inflame this vital organ.

"What's a pancreas?" my father asked him in complete ignorance. I stood and listened to the doctor's basic explanation of the organ and its function. He went on to explain what happens when it gets inflamed and the possible problems he would have. 

"Mr. Taylor....I know you were inebriated when you arrived here this morning....I need to tell you that I'm afraid your alcohol consumption is a primary factor in your condition...to put it bluntly....you have to stop drinking..." I wanted to laugh out loud but knew it was highly inappropriate. But I enjoyed the feeling that karma is a bitch and she just came calling on my father. 

"What do you mean? I'm not giving up my drink!" My father yelled at the doctor. As soon as he began arguing his coughing resumed. The doctor shook his head at my father.

"About that cough.....we want to do an upper GI on you Mr. Taylor...there is some concern about your esophagus....your cough may be from some erosion to the lining..." I wanted to stay and enjoy the impending misery this doctor was going to put upon my father but I frankly can't stand the sight of him any longer. It was time for Moira to deal with everything she had signed up for.

"Excuse me doctor...let me get his wife in here....she really needs to hear this.." I explained to the man. He seemed to understand.

"Yes...of course...." he replied to me. I turned to look at my father. 

"Good luck Dad...see you around..." I told him. He had a mix of ire and fear in his face. I know him hearing he can't drink anymore is worse than having a gay son. I turned to leave and focused on finding his mistress and getting the fuck out of here. I left the room and found her loitering by a nearby window. She looked at me with concern as I approached her.

"The doctor is in his room and needs to talk to you about his condition.." I told her. "Good luck..." I remarked to her and turned and walked away.

"He told me about you...." she replied as I headed down the hallway. "I know your secret..." I brushed it off and went to find my mother. I felt the need to be around someone who loves me for who I am. 

\----------------------------- 

The car ride home was fraught with trying to explain to my mother what a total piece of shit my father truly is. Over each of us having two cigarettes apiece I explained to her what transpired in the hospital room and why we wouldn't be pressing charges. She looked absolutely devastated when I told her the things my father said to me. Said about Brian. The remainder of our car ride was quiet and I soon found myself pulling up to the house.

"Are you going to tell Brian everything he said?" my mother asked me as I pulled the car keys from the ignition and slipped them in my pocket. I wanted to spare him the hurtful details but knew I owed him the whole truth.

"We tell each other pretty much everything..." I replied to her. She got a proud smile on her face and leaned over and patted my leg.

"That's probably why your marriage has lasted and others have failed...." she remarked. "I certainly can't say my marriage to your father was steeped in honesty..." she moved her hand back to her lap and sighed. I know her failed marriage weighs heavily on her. But my father is the real failure in this dynamic. Not her.

"Have you ever given more thought to actually divorcing him?" I asked her bluntly. "I know you don't like the spectacle of a divorce....but staying tied to him just gives him license to do whatever he wants..." I reminded her. "Wouldn't you rather have this house in your name and have free reign over your whole life?"

"Tell me how I would pay my bills Roger? I don't know how to do anything...I'm only fit to be a housewife....you wouldn't understand dear....not even Clare understands....her life is so different from my own....she has choices I never had..." I had not considered this in my wish for my mother to be free of her association with my father. I sometimes forget her only source of income is him. But I knew the answer.

"I'll pay your bills..." I told her. "Just divorce him already..." I pleaded to her. She shook her head at me.

"You can't afford all this...you have a family of your own to support...you just bought a new house and a new car...and there is a little on on the way...." she argued back. "Besides...I don't want to leave this home...it's got all our memories dear..." I couldn't believe she thought I had a sentimental attachment to this place. 

"Memories Mum?" I questioned back. "Not good ones in my book!" I said sharply. "You can plaster over the punched holes in the walls of my room but it doesn't erase the bad things that happened there.." She looked almost contrite for implying there were good memories to be had in this house. "How many broken dishes and broken promises do you include in those memories?" I asked her. I saw tears form in her eyes and instantly felt like a total shit for making her cry. 

"I'm sorry Roger....but it is the only life I've known...I just can't walk away from it.." she said with total belief that this is all there is for her. 

"Start over!" I challenged her. "Divorce him and leave this place....move somewhere else and find new friends who don't know your whole bloody history..." I added to my list of things she could do. "Did you ever think about meeting someone else? Someone nice who would treat you with respect and never lay a hand on you or say horrible things to you?" 

"Don't be ridiculous! I'm almost 50!" she dismissed my idea of finding someone new at her age. I leaned into her and smirked at her.

"Don't you hear all the things people say these days about divorced older women?" I teased her to get her to smile and unload the weight of this conversation. "They say you're 'hot to trot!' " My mother's face turned red with embarrassment and she elbowed me in my side.

"Roger Meddows Taylor!" she barked at me but had a smirk of her own now. "Your mind is always in the gutter!" she said to me accusingly. I laughed out loud.

"It's one of the things Brian likes about me most..." I teased back. We both started laughing and I felt better now than I had when we left the hospital. Seeing my mother laugh instead of cry helped a lot. We finally left the car to head inside. As we neared the door my mother stopped me.

"Roger....I'm sorry you have such a horrible person for a father....I guess that's partly on me..." she told me with remorse.

"You may have married him and bore him children...but it is his choice to be a prick every day of his life....not yours..." I reminded her. I kissed her cheek and put my arm around her back. "Please think about what I said..." I asked her again. She nodded and walked towards the front door.

We went inside and I instantly smelled the aroma of baking apples and cinnamon. My mother smelled it too and we shared a happy expression between us.

"What is that glorious smell?" my mother called out as we hung up our coats. Clare came wandering into the living room wearing an apron. It was pulled taught over her burgeoning stomach. She smiled proudly at us.

"You had some apples getting ready to spoil....so I made my apple crumb...." I practically salivated at the thought of eating it and grinned widely at her. "I thought you could use something nice for a treat after everything..." Clare remarked as she wiped her hand on her apron. 

"That's lovely dear..." my mother told her as she walked over to join Clare in the kitchen. "I was going to make some pork loin for dinner so this is perfect.." They turned to go.

"Where's Brian and Tigs?" I asked Clare. She stuck her finger up towards the ceiling.

"Having a bath..." she replied. I wanted to see them both. I wanted their presence and the comfort of their smiles right now. I hurriedly went up the stairs and walked to the bathroom door. It was closed so I knocked.

"Who is it?" Brian asked. I wondered why he was not just letting one of us in.

"It's me Bri...we're back..." I replied.

"Are you alone?" he asked me. I found it odd.

"Yeah...it's only me..." 

"Okay...you can come in...." he announced. I was intrigued by what was going on and opened the door. I stepped in and was surprised. There were clouds of random bubbles floating around and also stuck on the walls. A large quantity of bubbles remained in the tub as well and nestled in the middle was Brian and Tiger Lily. They were sitting in the tub facing each other. A huge grin formed on my face as I stood and watched Tiger Lily lean over and pick up a wad of suds and stick them in Brian's hair and on his face. He had his eyes closed and his face was all scrunched up. She giggled as she patted his face and spread the bubbly mess all over him. 

"Did Mr. Bubble vomit in here?" I joked to him. Brian wiped at his eyes and then carefully opened them. 

"I think we might have got carried away..." he responded. Despite the mess they made, I couldn't get over how cute they both looked in the tub together. I couldn't recall any other time he took a bath with her. Or me for that matter. 

"How did you end up in there with her?" I asked out of curiosity. Brian laughed lightly and reached over and bopped Tigs gently on the nose; which made her squeal in delight.

"She made me get in with her.." he told me. I had a hard time believing she had the word capacity to tell him this but smiled anyway. Maybe it was impulsive but it was fun. They both seemed quite happy to be playing in the water and soapy mess.

"Papa...play!" Tigs called out to me. I pulled my shoes off and walked over and knelt down by the tub edge. I picked up some suds and placed them on top of her head.

"Here is your tiara princess!" I told her and she smiled up at me and then moved her hand up to feel the pile of bubbles crowning her head. My heart filled with gratitude for having her in my life. My father has let me down in so many ways and I made a promise right then to try and not let her down. To do better and be a father she wants to spend time with. To be a father that she loves and is never afraid of. To be worthy of her. My moment of renewed commitment to my child was cut short when a splash of water hit my chest. I looked down to see her staring at me with mischief in her face. Before I could do anything she splashed me again in the face. "Hey!" I shouted at her playfully. She squealed in a really high pitched tone and splashed me again. I wiped at my face and pretended like I was going to dive in after her. Brian laughed as Tiger Lily bounced up and down and kept giggling at me. I leaned over and held on to the edge of the tub and made a kissy face at her. I made a lip pucker sound and she turned and met me for a big wet sloppy kiss.

"Do I get a kiss?" Brian whined to me. I smiled and leaned his way as he met me in the middle and we both playfully kissed and made smacking sounds. Tiger Lily squealed again.

"Kiss..Papa...Kiss!" she touted at me. I turned back to her and leaned in for another kiss. I felt light and like myself again as I got lost in the small joys of sharing affection and suds with my favorite people.

\-----------------------------

As Tigs took her nap and my mother occupied herself with making dinner, I told Brian and Clare what transpired at the police station and the hospital. I didn't spare them and repeated all the words my father said to me. Clare got quite emotional as I explained my father's demand to drop any charges and his threat expose Brian and myself. I hugged her close to me as I finished telling the story and Brian held my hand. Clare excused herself to go lay down and left Brian and I to mull over the day's events. We sat silent for a while until Brian stood up and held out his hand to me.

"Let's take a walk..." he suggested. I nodded agreement and we both pulled our coats on and told my mother we would be back. We went outside and ignored the brisk cold wind as we walked towards the high school. We didn't speak for several blocks and used the physical activity to relieve some tension.

"I sometimes wish we could just tell the world about us and let them react and get over it..." Brian mused to me. I smiled at the idea of not having to live a lie. But it is an unrealistic dream. 

"Oh yeah?" I replied with amusement. I was done with heavy conversations today. "And how would you announce this?" I asked him with curiosity. A mischievous gleam came over Brian's face and his mouth curled into a smile. 

"Oh...I don't know....release a statement to the press with one of our wedding photos maybe..." he told me in a whimsical voice. I couldn't help but laugh at the thought. What would the press say in response? Shit! What would the fans do? 

"That's a beautiful dream Brian..." I replied with a touch of my own whimsy. "Saturday Scene asked me to bring Tiger Lily on the show sometime...maybe I'll just surprise them and bring my husband instead.." I winked at him as I said this and we both shared a merry grin. 

"Now how would Sally James handle that interview?" Brian mused to me. I laughed a little as I thought about the television presenter's shocked face and her attempt to find the right questions to ask us. I decided to imitate her for Brian's amusement.

"Tell me....Brian and Roger...how did you fall in love?" I did my best attempt at her posh accent and Brian giggled at me.

"Oh Sally....I think I loved him from the first time we met..." Brian responded in a sing song voice. He turned to look at me and batted his eyelashes as he spoke. "He's just so dreamy!" Brian did a pretty good job of mocking some of the gauche interviews we have seen by celebrities on television. I had a better response.

"For me Sally....I think it was the first time I had his cock up my arse..." I added to our little skit. Brian's mouth dropped open in astonishment at my response and he whacked me in the arm.

"Not very romantic Rog!" he barked at me but burst into giggles. I joined in as we both held on to each other and began laughing hysterically. It felt like the tension of the day had sent us over the edge and we both formed tears from laughing so hard. 

We made it back for dinner and the mood was lighter than earlier today. My mother put a bottle of wine on the table and we each enjoyed a glass with our meal. There was a film on television my mother wanted to watch so we adjourned to the living room. A talk show was on first and Brian and I laughed at some of the questions due to our prior conversation during our walk. We got some odd looks from my mother and sister but enjoyed our little inside joke. Brian went to put Tiger Lily to bed to give Clare a break. I found the movie boring and bid them goodnight. I went upstairs and found Brian sitting next to Tiger Lily in her bed and he was softly singing to her. 

'Just you know why  
Why you and I  
Will bye and bye  
Know true love ways  
Sometimes we'll sigh  
Sometimes we'll cry  
And we'll know why  
Just you and I  
Know true love ways'

Brian's voice was perfect for this tender Buddy Holly number. As he began to sing the middle bit I leaned into the room and harmonized with him. He turned to look at me as we both sang the song.

'Throughout the days  
Our true love ways  
Will bring us joys to share  
With those who really care'

Tiger Lily watched us both as I walked over and crouched down in front of the bed. We both kept singing to her. She had a soft smile on her sleepy face.

'Sometimes we'll sigh  
Sometimes we'll cry  
And we'll know why  
Just you and I  
Know true love ways'

"Good night poppet..." Brian told her gently and leaned down and kissed her goodnight. I kissed her next and stood up as Brian shut out the little lamp and we left the night light on as we both slipped out of her room. 

"I guess I need to buy a new carpet tomorrow..." I told Brian as we went inside my bedroom. My floor was bare where Brian had rolled up the soiled carpet. He carried it to the garage while I was gone with my mother. 

"We can add it to our Christmas shopping list.." he remarked as he went to use the bathroom. We got dressed for bed and it felt good to lay down and know there wasn't a chance of my father showing up tonight. We got settled under the blankets and I turned out my light. It was nice to be alone with Brian and feel him slip his arms around me.

"You feel nice..." I told him and gave him a kiss. Brian returned my kiss and escalated it. For some reason a need to be connected took us over and we both quickly grew heated. Our kisses got needy and our hands desperately clung to each other as Brian pushed me down on my back and spread my legs. He pressed his hips against mine and we began grinding into each other. We tried to keep our noises low but we both moaned at the intensity of our desire. Brian slipped his hand into my pajama bottoms and began stroking me as I clung to his waist. Our kisses grew deep and tongue filled and I reached down to shove Brian's pants down his thighs. "Need you..." was all I could manage to verbalize to him as we kept at each other's mouths. 

"Need you too babe.." he mouthed to me and slid his bare cock up against my groin. Brian moved his hand from my cock and pulled my clothes down my legs as he turned and fumbled around on my nightstand for my bag. He retrieved the lube and quickly got some on his fingers. I lifted my legs up as he slipped a finger in me. I needed him so badly and began working myself against his single finger to open me up faster. Brian quickly added a second finger and began spreading me. It became too much to bear when he pressed into my prostate. 

"Now....want you now!" I grunted out to him. Our mouths tried to keep contact as he pulled his hand away from me and hurriedly coated himself.

"Fuck.." he groaned as he began pressing himself into me. "Rog....so good..." he mumbled incoherently. I wrapped my legs around his waist and helped him get fully inside me. I could already feel the edge of an orgasm as he started thrusting into me. He wasn't gentle and I didn't want him to be. We both began moving against each other and practically grunted with each stroke. Brian leaned down and pulled me up towards him. Our mouths kept contact and we panted and whined together and kept moving. Thrusting and just needing each other. It was over fast but it satisfied our compulsion to be one. To be united in our love and solidarity right now. Everything that happened in the last day felt like a threat to us and our love making was a necessary bonding of our hearts and bodies. When our climax hit it was fast and glorious and we both gasped heavily against each other's faces. Our eyes had remained fixed on the others and only closed to experience the euphoria of our efforts. Brian laid spent against me in the aftermath and we were silent and sated. I felt the pull of sleep upon me and only felt awake when Brian finally kissed me one more time and then slipped out of me and away from me. He pulled at the bedsheet and began wiping us up. I know we were both a mess but I didn't care and grabbed him and pulled him back to me. He collapsed onto my chest and I held him there and fell fast asleep.

\----------------------------

I woke early the next morning and got Brian up. We snuck off to the shower and quickly bathed together. After getting dressed we managed to get the bedclothes collected and padded downstairs to wash them. We shared a devilish grin like two naughty teenagers who didn't want to get caught by a parent having sex. Brian started some coffee and I went to find my shopping list to add a carpet for my room. My mother came in after we put the bedclothes in the dryer. She walked in looking like her old self and gave us a cheerful smile as she took a cup of coffee from Brian.

"Well you both look rested and refreshed..." my mother remarked as she took a seat to enjoy her beverage. She eyed us both as she sipped.

"I could say the same of you Mum...you look like your back in the game..." I replied to her. She smiled at me and seemed to have a wicked gleam in her eye. I wasn't sure why.

"Let me finish this and I'll make a lovely breakfast dear.." she told me. I was hungry and agreed.

"Alright...I just need to go make the bed..." I replied and tried to be casual about pulling the bedsheets from the dryer. "I am hungry..." I commented as Brian and I went to leave the kitchen. As we walked out I heard my mother say something.

"I expect you are dear..." Her tone was sarcastic and it occurred to me as Brian and I climbed the stairs that my mother might know we were having sex last night. I dismissed the idea and didn't say anything to Brian because it didn't appear he heard her comment. I noticed the bathroom door was closed and Tiger Lily was making noises inside with Clare. I smiled at the activity as we went back in our room. I noticed a can sitting on my nightstand and walked over to it. There was a note below the can of WD-40.

Dear Roger and Brian

Please oil your squeaky bed - the only sounds I want to hear coming from your room are guitar and drums please...

Love Clare

P.S. Mother heard you

Yeah - there was no way I was going back down to breakfast...


	88. You've Got The Cutest Ass I've Ever Seen -  Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's time to for a jump ahead in the story! I hope you are still enjoying the read and thanks again for all your support and comments. I appreciate your feedback.

4th January 1977

London to Boston

Brian's POV

"I can't believe I am leaving you alone....I'm sorry Clare.." I told her as we stood in the living room and embraced. I could feel her large stomach between us. We pulled apart and Clare shook her head at me.

"Brian...this was all part of the plan....we knew you would tour before the baby came...don't worry...I'm doing fine and Alli and Mum will be here to help me..." Clare is so calm and confident. I wish I was. These past several weeks have made me have second thoughts about going on tour and not being here during her third trimester. If felt wrong despite our lengthy discussion and agreement to it before the baby was conceived. But it's too late to cancel the tour and Clare can't go with us. A lengthy winter tour is no place for a toddler and someone who is 6 months pregnant.

"I trust your judgement Clare...I won't blather on anymore..." Clare took my hand and placed it on her tummy. I could feel the baby moving. A smile erupted on my face and Clare got one of her own.

"He or she will be waiting for you when you get back...no worries.." she told with a sweet tone. I nodded agreement and gently ran my hand over her stomach. Trying to memorize the feel. Something came over me and I knelt down on one knee in front of her. Clare didn't stop me as I gently pressed a kiss to her belly. I couldn't help myself. I had never got this close to Clare before but needed to kiss my baby goodbye. She patted my head before I stood back up.

"Enough with the dramatics! Let me have a go at her!" Roger barked at me and shooed me out of the way. Clare laughed and her belly moved as Roger took my place and hugged his sister. I watched and got emotional seeing them being so affectionate. He stood back from her and placed his hand on her stomach like I did. They exchanged a lovely warm look between them and Roger leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Keep this bun in the oven Sis...we'll be back before you know it..." he told her in a caring voice. Roger turned away from her and looked at me.

"You ready?" he asked. I nodded and was afraid to speak as I was on the verge of tears. This is harder than I imagined. I knew now that kissing Tiger Lily goodbye and not waking her up was the right move this morning. Her radiant little smile and sparkling eyes on me would have done me in. I walked back over and kissed Clare's cheek and touched her tummy one more time. She patted my arm and I felt wetness in the corner of my eyes.

"Go before we all end up a sobbing mess!" she commanded. I wiped the beginnings of tears from my face and turned towards the door. No looking back! 

"Bye Clare....love you..." I told her and went straight out the door. I felt Roger's arm wrap around me as we walked briskly to the waiting car. I seemed to recall the last time we left for the states Roger was the one in fits. Now it's my turn. There was a miserably cold rain falling as we rushed to the car. Roger opened the car door and I slid inside. The door closed and the driver began backing the car down our long drive. I watched the house slowly disappear from view as I clutched my coat around me. Roger leaned into me and I knew it was partly for warmth and partly for comfort. It was still early morning and there was dim light as we began the journey to the airport and to America.

\------------------------

I looked over the tour itinerary again as we waited for the airplane to take off. There was a lot of activity around me as everyone got settled for the flight. I smiled as I looked at everyone in first class seats. This was new! No more coach for us! We are truly in the big leagues now. There were just two seats per row so Roger and I sat together and had Freddie and Deacy in front of us. Our assistants for the tour sat behind us. Peter Brown and Paul Prenter. Our road crew and equipment had flown out two days earlier. Except for Red, of course. She was coming with us.

Our stewardess greeted us with glasses of champagne and orange juice and informed us breakfast would be served once our early morning flight took off. This was so different from our prior plane trips. The seats were larger and reclined further back and I had a bit more leg room. I sipped the champagne as I finished checking the schedule for our rehearsal time in Boston. I put my agenda away as the plane took off and saw Roger was tucking in for some sleep. I pulled out my journal and wrote some thoughts about leaving on tour and my feelings regarding leaving Clare and Tiger Lily behind. It helped me sort it out and I smiled to myself.

"What are you smiling about?" Deacy asked me as he peeked through the seat gap in front of me.

"Just feeling better about leaving Clare and the baby behind...it was tough this morning.." I replied to him. He nodded his head in agreement.

"Yeah...there were a few tears at my front door as I left..." Deacy remarked to me. "Robert didn't have a clue but he got upset because Ronnie was emotional...I had to leave before I got that way myself.."

"I was on the verge..." I confessed. He smiled warmly at me.

"Have you thought of any baby names yet?" he asked. I had made a list and had not yet shown it to Roger. He has remained somewhat disconnected during a large part of Clare's pregnancy. I know the situation feels odd for him. But once she really began to show and we could feel the baby moving in her stomach, Roger warmed up to it all. I will always remember the beautiful moment we were all on the couch together at Winnies house in early December and watching a Christmas movie. Clare's feet were in my lap and Roger was towards the other end with Clare's head in his lap. When Clare remarked about the baby moving, Roger reached over and placed his hand on her tummy and kept it there for a while. The whole moment felt special and really seemed like Roger was accepting what was to come.

"I have..." I answered and went to the page in my journal where I had jotted some ideas down. Deacy watched me as I looked them over. "For a girl I kind of like Amelia, Emily, Elizabeth, Louisa, Jane or Melissa and for a boy I like Edward, James, Michael..."

"We are not naming any son of ours Michael..." Roger suddenly interjected. I didn't realize he was awake and listening. I forgot it is his father's name. I took my pen and crossed it out.

"Why not Michael?" Deacy asked him innocently. Roger opened his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Because it is the name of my piece of shit Father!" Roger said a bit too loudly for our environment. I motioned to him to be quiet as another passenger stared at us. Deacy got a subdued look on his face.

"I kind of like that name to be honest.." Deacy responded sincerely. 

"Well it's all yours then!" Roger spat back in a quieter volume this time. Roger leaned over and looked at my list. "Kind of boring choices...aren't they?" he remarked. I shrugged at him.

"I don't know...there's nothing wrong with a traditional name..." I countered. I realized my family had fairly saccharine names and here was Roger with a mother named Winnie and a sister named Clare. A bit more exotic than Harold or Ruth. "What names do you like?" I looked at Roger and waited to hear his idea of something suitable for our baby.

"Something with a little more personality.." he offered. "If it's a boy...how about something like Max or Rufus or Felix?" Roger looked at me for a response.

"They are different...." I responded to him. He looked unhappy with my vague opinion. "What about if we have another girl?" I questioned. He seemed to think for a moment and then smiled.

"Well you can't have a Tiger Lily and then some ordinary name like Jane or something.." Roger formed an amused expression. "I would want a name that's more dynamic and individual...like Samantha or Rory or even something like Lola.." I could agree that they are names with a bit more punch to them. I guess my names just didn't excite him.

"What's wrong with Edward or Melissa?" I asked. Roger now shrugged at me but looked sour.

"They just sound so common..." he said with honesty. "I mean...even Tiger Lily's nickname is more interesting than Eddie or Mel....right?" He had a point. They did seem rather dull in comparison. I felt conflicted now about my list. I scratched through Edward and Melissa. 

"So I guess we scratch these out and start over?" I asked him. Deacy watched us expectantly. Roger shook his head at me.

"I think Amelia is okay....and if you like James...I think you should stick with the idea you had a while back....name the boy Jimi instead...James is so formal and Jimi has more of an edge to it....plus they would be in honor of Hendrix..." he replied. His face suddenly lit up. "Oh...how about naming a boy Hendrix?" he then suggested with excitement. "Or even Lennon?" Roger seemed quite taken with his ideas.

"What are you going to come up with next? Naming him Moonie after Keith Moon or Bonham?" Deacy added to the conversation. I smiled at his remark and Roger formed a wide smile.

"Hey now...Bonham's kind of cool too.." I shook my head as I wrote down Jimi, Hendrix and Lennon on the list of boys names to appease Roger for now. He watched me with a smug face and I caved and added Rory and Lola to the girls list. 

"I think Freddie is a lovely name for a boy..." Freddie suddenly chimed in and turned around in his seat. Before I could respond Roger scoffed at him.

"It's not even your real name..." he reminded him. "And we aren't naming the child Farrokh!" he added to his comment. Freddie acted like he was offended and I grinned at him. 

"I do like your sister's name..." I told him. Freddie beamed at me.

"Yes...Kashmira is a beautiful name...." he agreed and got a whimsical look on his face. "It's quite exotic..." He is right. It seems like a name belonging to a dark exotic beauty like his sister and not some pale Anglo Saxon. I didn't write it down. "If you could choose, would you prefer a boy or a girl..." Freddie asked us both. I glanced at Roger. He seemed indifferent. So am I.

"I don't care really...just as long as they are healthy..." Freddie seemed disappointed in my response.

"It would be nice to have a boy...one of each then..." Roger answered. "But if it's another girl...that means Tiger Lily would have a sister...that would be alright.." 

"Ronnie and I are thinking about having another one..." Deacy chimed in. I was happy to hear it. We all smiled at him. 

"Have you been trying?" Roger asked him directly. Deacy shook his head. 

"She is a pretty staunch Catholic but she is taking the pill...we talked about her stopping before I come home...we'll see what happens then..." Deacy had a cute little smirk on his face and Freddie patted his cheek.

"I'm sure you'll knock her up in no time..." he cooed encouragingly to him. We all laughed at his teasing. I looked at Freddie and wondered if he ever wanted children. He never talks about having one of his own.

"So Fred....any plans for you to knock someone up in the future?" Freddie looked appalled.

"Darling...the only pussy I want in my future is the kind with whiskers and tails..."

\-------------------------------

5th January 1977

Boston - Rehearsal Hall

Roger's POV

"I think we should break for some food.." I argued to Freddie. It was time to give Deacy a break. We had talked about him helping out with backup vocals during this tour as we felt some of our numbers were weak. Of course, he didn't want to do it. He has sang back-up before but generally had his microphone volume fairly low. His main contribution was his featured moment with Freddie on 'Liar.' But this time we need every voice we can get. These shows have to be their absolute best. Deacy had been unusually grumpy during rehearsals today and I know its because he is self conscious about singing. And Freddie is not helping matters.

"I could eat...." Brian chimed in. I was grateful for a second vote as I watched Freddie begin to lose his patience with our bassist. Freddie rolled his eyes at both of us and walked over to hand Ratty his microphone stand.

"Fine....but we are all singing in one hour!" he announced as he walked off in frustration backstage. Deacy watched him walk away and pulled his instrument from his shoulder.

"Sorry..." Deacy announced to myself and Brian. He almost looked sheepish but I understood. It's just not his comfort zone. I stood up from my kit and walked his way. Brian had been distracted by Rich, his guitar tech. 

"It's okay Deaks...but you need to relax and just do it..." I explained as I put my arm around him. He nodded agreement but had a flat smile.

"You know I can't sing Rog....why would you want me trying to harmonize with you all? I'll just make it worse.." This isn't true. He is pretty competent on doing basic backup singing. He just always compares himself to Freddie. And well - none of us stack up to that!

"Deaks...listen to me...this is the honest truth..." I pleaded to him. "You are better than you think you are....you don't sing off key and your voice is a nice filler.." I complimented him. "And quit comparing yourself to Fred because that sets you up for failure....none of us are him!" I said with a light hearted laugh. Deacy formed a grin which told me I had hit on what he was thinking. 

"You're pretty good yourself Rog....it's not just Freddie who can sing..." he complimented me in return. It was nice to hear.

"Thanks...now do me a favor...when we resume after lunch....I want you to go over and have Ratty turn your volume up and I want you to just own it when you sing...alright? You will be amazed how good you sound when you aren't meek about it and put some real energy behind it..." He seemed a bit dazed by my request. "Like how you sing the word 'Anytime' on 'Killer Queen'...you know...sing with that same gusto!" I recommended. He seemed unconvinced.

"There's a McDonald's down the street...what do you want?" Crystal asked me as he walked up and interrupted my coaching session. We gave him our orders and he took off. "Just promise you'll try it once..." I told Deacy. He sighed and looked over at Brian as he walked up to us.

"Boy... Fred's been in a mood.." Brian commented. I wanted to say that Deacy was in a mood first but it didn't matter at this point. Freddie was in a mood and we needed to get him out of it.

"Well...Deaks is going to try out the singing after lunch..." I informed Brian. His eyebrows raised and he smiled.

"You're better than you think....you'll be fine..." Brian encouraged and I was grateful he said something similar to my own remarks. Deacy seemed a bit more enthused. 

Crystal and Paul soon returned with some large sacks of food and drinks. I got my Big Mac and took a seat on Fred's piano bench to eat. I was pretty hungry and downed my sandwich and fries quickly.

"I'm going to take Freddie his food and talk to him..." Deacy informed me and headed backstage. I hoped our afternoon rehearsal improved. I bagged up my trash and sat and watched Brian and Ratty finish eating while I sipped my cola. Brian had ordered a fish sandwich and fries and his usual bottle of milk. I love my wholesome husband! I smiled as I observed them chatting. I walked over to my bag behind my kit and pulled out my new polaroid camera. Freddie bought one for each of us to use on the tour. I walked around and aimed it at Brian and Ratty and took a photo.

They didn't seem too distracted by me and and chattered on as the photo spit out. I admired Brian's legs in the developed picture and tucked it inside my jacket pocket. I noticed Deacy heading my way from the side of the stage and he looked a bit spooked about something. He saw me watching him and gestured for me to follow him. I sat my camera down on the bench and followed as he walked to an area with a men's restroom. We went inside and Deacy checked around to see if we were alone.

"What is it?" I asked him as he fidgeted about. He turned his eyes from me and looked down.

"I walked in on Freddie and Dane..." he informed me. I knew by the way Deacy was acting that he walked in on them doing something of a sexual nature. I was surprised by this news. Dane was a new employee and Freddie had got him hired to help with hair, makeup and wardrobe. He never let on that there was anything going on between them. He stated he met Dane at a party and that he knew how to do hair and also had some masseuse training. We all agreed to the extra help.

"So...were they fucking or what?" I asked him and then realized that with Deacy and Freddie's past that maybe he was feeling something more than just embarrassment. I felt bad for my choice of words. Deacy shook his head.

"They were kissing...but Freddie was mortified!" he explained as he leaned against the sink and sighed heavily. "I'm not upset or anything...I just feel bad....I didn't see Freddie in the dressing room and walked in the adjoining toilet and found them in there.." 

"It's not your fault....they should be more discreet..." I tried to lessen his unease. Deacy looked subdued.

"How many boyfriends does Freddie have now?" he asked me as he reached for the door for us to leave. I shrugged. It was a good question.

"I don't know Deaks...I don't know..."

We returned to the stage area and waited for Freddie to return. I got settled behind my kit and Brian came over and squatted down next to me.

"I think I like the name Harrison for a boy..." he commented to me. He looked at me for a response. I wondered why he didn't just go with Harold.

"Well...add it to the list then.." I told him. He seemed disappointed I wasn't excited about it. Before he could respond Freddie came strolling back on the stage.

"Lunch is over! Back to work!" he announced and clapped his hands over his head to get everyone's attention. I noticed Deacy blush a bit and they both avoided eye contact. Freddie walked to the piano and frowned as he looked at the bench. "Who the fuck ate food on my bench?" he snarled. I forgot to wipe down his bench and cringed.

"Sorry Fred! It was me..." I told him. He turned and stared daggers at me. What is up with him today? Ratty came over with a towel and Freddie grabbed it from him and began wiping his bench in an overly dramatic manner. I noticed Deacy stop Ratty and whispered something to him. Ratty nodded and walked off. Deacy looked my way and winked at me. 

"Now that my work area is sanitized...let's begin..." Freddie commanded in a snide tone. I decided to blow off his mood and readied my sticks. "Let's run through 'Somebody'..." he suggested. Freddie sat down and began the introduction on the piano. 

Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little  
Can barely stand on my feet  
Take a look in the mirror and cry   
Lord, what you're doing to me   
I have spent all my years in believing you  
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!

'Somebody (somebody)' Suddenly everyone could hear Deacy over his microphone. His face was scrunched up with concentration. Freddie's face lit up with delight as he kept going.

'ooh somebody (somebody)' Everyone stood and watched spellbound as Deacy gave his all and punched out the word just like I suggested. I was proud of him and Deacy and I exchanged an expression of satisfaction.

'Can anybody find me somebody to love?'

"I think our performance just got a whole lot better.." Freddie remarked with a smug grin when he finished the line. He stood up and walked over to our bassist and gave him a little pat on the head. Deacy blushed and Freddie's mood was back in check for the rest of rehearsal.

\--later that day--

Brian's POV

"Wanna bite?" Roger asked me. I smiled and opened my mouth as he spooned in some of the Boston Cream pie he was eating. The custard cream filling was divine combined with the fluffy yellow cake and chocolate coating. A nice flavor combination. I smiled gratefully at Roger as I swallowed my taste of his dessert.

"Thanks...it's delicious!" Roger smiled back and leaned back in the chair in the dining room of the Parker House Hotel. We had only stayed here once before. 

"I hope you can make some better memories during this stay than the last time we stayed here..." he commented. Roger is right. My memory of our prior stay here was foggy due to the circumstances but was not a happy one. Deacy gave me a sympathetic smile.

"Do you remember it?" he asked me as Roger took another bite of his pie. I nodded to him and felt subdued by the recollection.

"Some of it...I do remember getting out of bed and feeling quite ill...I remember seeing myself in the mirror and my skin being yellow.." I told them both. Roger seemed unhappy with my talking about it. He set his fork down and casually slipped his hand over mine. 

"The important thing is that you recovered..." I gripped his hand and smiled warmly at him.

"Because of you...I did.." I told him. We shared a loving expression and my desire to kiss him was strong. Someone was approaching our table so Roger quickly slipped his hand from mine. I turned to see who it was.

"Evening ladies..." Ratty joked to us. The three of us smiled at him. "Can I interest you in some entertainment tonight?" he asked. I had thought about checking the movie listings and wondered what he had in mind. It was only 8:30. 

"What did you have in mind?" Roger asked him. Ratty smirked and glanced at me and then back at Roger. 

"A nightclub perhaps?" he propositioned. I wasn't really interested in going to a club and fending off girls. Especially having to watch all the girls that hit on my husband. I shrugged.

"Like a dance club?" Roger asked him. Ratty got a mischievous look in his eye. 

"Gentleman's Club..." he clarified. I knew this meant strip club. I had never been to one before. Apparently Deacy hadn't either by the look on his face.

"I'm game!" Deacy suddenly announced with a broad grin. Roger nudged me.

"Yeah...let's go..." Roger suggested. I didn't want to be a party pooper and definitely wanted to keep an eye on Roger. I groaned a bit but nodded.

"Fine..."

\---------------------------------

"I'm telling you Brian...we will have two kids at home soon...we need to do a bit of living on this tour...have some real fun before we are bogged down in nappies and late night feedings.." Roger made his best argument for ramping up our good times on the tour as we rode in the limousine to the nightclub. We left the hotel dining room and went back upstairs to dress up for our night out. Deacy met us in the hallway and we came down together as Deacy asked questions about strip clubs. I half listened as we got in the car and took off with Ratty, Crystal and Big Rich in tow.

"Are you hearing me?" Roger asked me as I thought about all the potential trouble we could get into during our American tour. I turned to give him my attention.

"I heard you...I get it....we just can't go off the deep end...alright?" I replied. He leaned into me and slipped his arm around mine. He gave a satisfied smile and leaned over and kissed my chin.

"Don't worry...we'll keep it reigned in..." 

We arrived at the 'Gentleman's club in question. There was a large neon sign with the name of the club on it. Medusa. Interesting. We slipped out of the limo and Ratty took care of our cover charge and we went inside. He walked up to the hostess and whispered something to her. She smiled as I saw him slip her an American twenty. Ratty waived to us and we followed them into the club.

Ratty waived to us and we followed them into the club   
It was pretty lavish with a side of tacky. Loads of velvet and feathers and dark colors mixed with gold accents. We were shown to a roped off area and let inside. There were two large velvet booths and two waitresses arrived as we got seated. Both women were scantily dressed in sheer black tops and were wearing purple shorts as tiny as the ones Freddie wears onstage.

"Hi gentleman...we will be serving you tonight...my name is Ricki and this is Jojo..." the ladies greeted us with wide smiles. "What would you like to drink tonight?" they asked us. I was going to ask for a drink list.

"Your best whisky for us here.." Roger remarked and pointed to me and Deacy. Ratty asked for a pitcher of beer for himself. The ladies nodded and took off. 

"What if I wanted something else?" I asked Roger. He shook his head as he eyed the women walking away from us. I glanced over and saw they both had glow in the dark hand prints on their bottoms. We exchanged an amused grin and got comfortable at our table. Some louder music began and the stage lit up nearby. A spotlight went on and a few men at a nearby table started calling out someone's name. A voice came over their speaker system.

"Welcome to Medusa's....tonight we have some lovely ladies dancing for your pleasure...our first performer will be Miss Ginger..." the man announced in a lively manner. The same men continued their catcalls as the music got a bit louder and we saw a woman come strolling down the small catwalk. She was wearing a crocheted two piece white bikini that barely covered her ample breasts and she had fairly long red hair. We all sat and watched her performance as Ricki returned with our drinks. I observed as she served us and Ratty leaned over and slipped some money into a garter belt she wore on her thigh. Ricki smiled at him and patted his cheek before she walked off. Deacy had watched as well with wide eyes.

"I want to tip the next one.." he asked. He seemed quite eager and Ratty nudged him teasingly. Roger was still watching Miss Ginger and nursing his drink. He quickly finished and flagged Jojo for another as she stopped by. The dancer soon lost her top and the energy of the room escalated as she showed off her assets to the clientele. There wasn't anything remarkable about her moves but there was the element of the forbidden that gave it an edge. She finished her dance and we all applauded. It was an acceptable form of entertainment and the others seemed to enjoy it. I decided to just sit back and observe. A new song began and the spotlight lit up once more. I figured this was going to be a bit repetitive but kept an open mind as I sat and sipped.

\--Two hours later--

"C'mon...have another!" Roger insisted. I shrugged and took hold of the shot glass and quickly downed the dark brown concoction. It had a strange yet sweet flavor but I went with it and let it slide down my throat. The group at my table cheered. I noticed Ratty was watching his new friend enjoy a sip of her cocktail. Miss Marti was a petite brunette sitting in his lap and enjoying all the dollar bills he carefully slid into the waistband of her skimpy spandex costume. I wondered if Ratty was spending his tour earnings tonight before we even had our first show.

"What's in this?" I asked the group. "What's in a Rattlesnake?" Roger just looked smug.

"Don't ask....just have another..." It didn't seem to taste like a heavy drink and almost had a coffee element to it. I grabbed another shot glass and downed it as Ratty, Deacy and Roger watched. I wiped my mouth when I finished.

"Well...have one of yours now..." I insisted to them. They all picked up one of their own shot glasses and emptied it in their mouths. We shared an agreeable expression as the music started up again and some men at another table got excited. The spotlight once again shown on the stage and a curtain was pulled back to reveal a pole that extended up into the ceiling.

"Oh boys....you are in for a treat!" Miss Marti announced to us. The loud speaker blared to life and we all watched the stage. "This next dancer is our best..."

"Gentleman...for your pleasure....our featured performer tonight...Miss Amber Waves..." The table nearby erupted in applause and shouting. Apparently they are repeat customers and knew all the dancers names. A song started over the stereo system that I had never heard before. It was played mainly on synthesizers and had an edgy disco feel to it. It had a fast pulsing beat and suddenly a strobe light appeared on the stage. It was a little difficult to see what was happening on the stage itself but then I realized a woman had appeared and began moving and dancing up against the metal pole. The woman had long blond hair and was dressed in lingerie. A black lace and pink bra and panty set. She had that bronzed American glow about her and a beautiful figure. The best one of the night so far. 

"That's Donna Summer's new song..." Deacy shouted to us at the table. I knew that performer's name and realized I recognized her voice. She was singing in a breathy manner and it was quite sensual. The dancer really let the song guide her movements and I found myself mesmerized as she worked the pole and her body to the erotic song.

Ooh, it's so good, it's so good  
It's so good, it's so good  
It's so goodOoh, I'm in love, I'm in love  
I'm in love, I'm in love  
I'm in loveOoh, I feel love, I feel love  
I feel love, I feel love  
I feel loveI feel love  
I feel love

We all sat spellbound as this quite agile woman exhibited her talents on the small stage. The strobe had disappeared and she was washed in purple and pink lights as she swayed and gyrated for us. Deacy's mouth practically hung open as we watched. I had to admit she was markedly better than the others and had mastered the use of the pole as a prop. I glanced over and saw Roger quite enamored. Even Marti watched in awe. Miss Amber wrapped her long legs around the pole at the peak moment of the song and then released her arms and let her upper body extend outward from the pole. Her strength was impressive. She gracefully moved a hand down and popped a tiny button and let her bra slip slowly down her arm. It fell to the stage as she held her position and then reached up and compelled her body back towards the pole. She wrapped her whole body around it and sensually slid down to finish out her number. As the music faded she gently landed on the floor still wrapped around the pole. She then took hold of the pole and leaned back and spread her legs in an incredible wide split. Her stacked acrylic heels perfectly pointed outwards. The men around us stood up and cheered as she carefully pulled away from the pole and moved like a cat to stand herself upright and take a bow. As she stood straight up I noticed how lovely her body really was. Quite tone and she had soft supple breasts. They were clearly natural and more attractive than the boob jobs we had seen on earlier dancers. All of us were applauding.

"Wasn't she amazing?" Miss Marti asked us as we all calmed down from the experience we had and shared satisfied grins.

"That was pretty remarkable.." I commented as Jojo walked up with fresh drinks for us all. Roger took hold of a new shot glass and raised it in the air.

"To Amber Waves..." he announced. We all grabbed a glass and joined him in the toast. Deacy slid a five dollar bill from his pocket onto Jojo's waist band and giggled as she smiled at him. His face held a huge pink cheeked and gap toothed grin. He is clearly drunk and feeling quite merry tonight.

"Thank you Sir..." Jojo said to him and winked at him. Deacy blushed heavily and mumbled at her.

"You can call me Deacy..." he told her shyly. She smiled widely at him and leaned over and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you Deacy...." she replied with a sweet manner and walked from the table. Deacy acted like he was going to slide under the table and we all laughed at him. Roger leaned over and poked him in the stomach.

"Better not break any hearts while we're in Boston..." Roger teased him. 

"Speaking of heart breakers..." Ratty remarked. We all turned to look at what grabbed his attention. Amber Waves was walking towards our table.


	89. You've Got The Cutest Ass I've Ever Seen - Part 2

6th January 1977

Boston

Roger's POV

"I lit a cigarette as we watched Miss Amber Waves saunter up to our table. She still had on her lingerie and was wearing a little see through shirt over it now. I was amazed how well she walked in those stacked heels. She had a wicked smile on her face as she arrived and glanced over at Miss Marti.

"Boys....I'd like to introduce Miss Amber...." Miss Marti announced as she gestured to her co-worker. Ratty kept hold of Miss Marti in his lap and waved at our new acquaintance.

"The names Peter...my friends call me Ratty..." he told her warmly. She blazed her smile in his direction. 

"Hello Ratty..." she greeted back. Deacy was practically sliding under the table in her presence and I reached over to anchor him up. He giggled when when she laid her eyes on him and rested her hand on her perfect hips.

"What's your name cutie?" she asked him with an amused grin. I thought Deacy would burst from embarrassment and he squeaked out his response to her.

"John...but my friends call me Deacy..." he told her in the highest pitch I have ever heard out of him. This was quite enjoyable to watch. I laughed at his behavior and Brian poked me in the ribs.

"Be nice..." he mumbled to me. I quieted down as Deacy covered his face with his hands in self consciousness. Ratty leaned over and pulled his hands away and Deacy giggled again. Amber winked at him. 

"So do all you boys have nicknames?" she asked as she looked over at Brian and myself. I shook my head at her.

"I'm just plain ole Roger.." I informed her. She raised her eyebrows at me and kept her wicked smile.

"Honey...there is nothing plain about you..." she remarked back to me with a bit of sass. I liked her attitude. 

"I could say the same about you.." I replied and took a drag from my cigarette as we maintained eye contact. I felt Brian poke me in my ribs again. I realized I was flirting with her and stopped. Without thinking I placed my hand over his on the table and he quickly slipped it away. I turned to see him looking alarmed at me. I glared at him.

"What?" I asked him and he shook his head and didn't answer. I looked back at Amber and she seemed to ignore our actions.

"What's your name honey?" Amber then asked Brian. Like the gentlemen he is he reached his hand out to shake hers.

"Brian...it's lovely to meet you.." he told her in his soft demure manner. Her smile warmed and widened as she gently took his hand and shook it.

"Aren't you a gentleman?" she responded and Brian gestured at me to move over to make room for our new friend. 

"Would you care to join us?" Brian asked politely. She nodded and took the few steps to take the empty place made for her. She slid in next to Brian and got cozy with him. I felt a slight pang of jealousy as she eyed him.

"You have the most beautiful hair..." she commented and placed her hand on his head and stroked his curly locks. Brian blushed a bit at her comment and her touch and I felt my own face get a little hot. With irritation. I wanted to tell her to get her fucking hand out of his hair but knew better. I took a deep breath and turned to look at Deacy. He was watching her with his mouth open and wide eyes. I leaned over and put my finger tip under his chin and popped his mouth close.

"You look a bit desperate...." I whispered to him. He nodded to me but didn't take his eyes off her. I chuckled a bit at his response. Ricki arrived at the table holding her small round tray.

"Can I get you your usual Miss Amber?" she asked our guest. Brian turned to the waitress.

"Whatever she wants...put it on our tab please..." he requested. Ricki looked at the rest of us.

"Refills gentleman?" she asked. I nodded and held up an empty shot glass.

"How about another round of these for all of us?" I asked her. She smiled and nodded and walked away. 

"The rumor going around the club is that you boys are in a famous band?" Amber asked us as she leaned into Brian and ran her hand over his arm. I didn't like watching her flirt with him but knew she is just doing her job and Brian is trying to be polite. I still didn't like it. I took hold of my remaining whisky and emptied the glass. I wasn't as amused as I was earlier and needed another drink.

"Yes...we're in a band called Queen..." Brian explained to her. She looked at us all and kept her hand on Brian's arm. 

"Ahhhh! I'm in the presence of royalty!" Amber responded. Brian laughed lightly at her attempt to be witty. I forced a smile and nodded at her and wished I had my drink already.

\---One hour later---

I lost count of the number of drinks I'd had. I wasn't sure how many Brian had either. I do know without a doubt all of us are pretty much shitfaced right now. I had left the table to use the toilets and returned to find Amber cozied up to Deacy in my spot at the table. She had her arm around him and he was laughing about something and was leaning into her side. He looked absolutely taken in by her looks and charm and was completely plastered as well. Brian saw me walk up and smiled as I slipped in next to him.

"I think Deacy has a crush..." Brian whispered to me as I got close to him. 

"As long as it stays an innocent flirtation..." I cautioned. Brian slid his hand onto my thigh under the table and smiled drunkenly at me.

"No worries...he's happy at home..." he reminded me and we both burst into loud laughter at his quip about Deacy's song. We calmed down and I noticed Ratty had disappeared from the table and Marti was gone as well.

"Where's our friend gone?" I asked Brian. He smirked at me and lightly stroked my thigh under the table.

"Something about a private room for a private dance.." he informed me. I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I didn't know they offered such services.

"Really?" I responded. Brian nodded at me with a sloppy grin. He is so drunk! I put my hand under the table and took hold of his hand and moved it over my crotch. Brian's eyes went wide and he giggled at me. I leaned close and whispered in his ear. "I could give you a private dance back at the hotel..." I offered. 

"You naughty boy!" he teased at me with heavy lidded eyes. I guess the drink had made us both a bit daring tonight. He kept his hand on my cock.

"Is someone being naughty?" Amber suddenly asked us. I guess she overhead him. Brian turned and winked at her.

"Roggie's a bad boy!" he told her. I couldn't believe he said this to her but he is wasted. She laughed and leaned towards me over the table.

"Are you bad boy's interested in a little more fun in a private setting?" she offered to us. Before I could say anything Deacy grabbed her arm.

"I am!" he shouted at us all. Brian and I laughed at Deacy's newfound confidence and enthusiasm. I looked over at Brian and we shared a questioning glance. We've not done anything like this in a long while. Brian leaned close to my head.

"You said to live a little..." he reminded me. I smiled at him as he pulled back from me. I was surprised. After the cheating and everything we've been through, I was certain Brian would have said no. He is pretty intoxicated and he does loosen up when he's drunk. I slid out of the booth and stood up.

"I guess we're all game..." I told Miss Amber. Brian slid out to stand next to me and held his hand out to help Amber. She took his hand and scooted over gently and got to a standing position. 

"This way gentleman..." she gestured to us to follow and we all headed for the back of the club.

\--------------------------

We found ourselves in a low lit room with two long couches in it. Amber left us there and disappeared as Deacy flopped down on one couch and I sat next to Brian on the other. We all leaned back and smiled at each other lazily. The music from the club could be heard but it was low. 

"Ratty said he was getting a lap dance...I want one of those.." Deacy remarked to us as he bounced a little on the leather sofa. 

"You can go first..." I offered to him. He smiled at us and sighed.

"She's really sexy..." Deacy remarked and had a moon eyed look on his face. It was obvious he has a massive crush on her and I knew it was purely a fantasy thing for him. It was kind of cute how smitten he was. The door to the room opened and Amber came back in but was followed by two other young women. They were all smiles as they approached us.

"May I introduce Miss Kat and Miss Velvet..." Amber advised us as she showed off her friends. Kat wore cat ears on her head and had furry material on her two piece bathing suit. She had a full figure and auburn hair and made a gesture at us like a cat showing it's claws. Velvet wore a pink satin bra and matching panties and had a wide black velvet choker around her neck. Her ashen hair swept around her heart-shaped face and she had vivid green eyes. She was tall and lean and blew us a kiss. "Do you have a preference?" Amber asked us.

"Miss Kat please!" Brian asked politely but firmly. I was amused at his choice and nodded agreement. Kat walked over to Brian and he stood up to greet her. She pushed him down gently on to the couch and he laughed.

"Relax..." Kat suggested to him. "We're going to do a little dance for your first.." she revealed. Their music started up and we instantly recognized the song. It was our old friends Aerosmith. The guitar licks started up and Brian instantly went into air guitar mode. The girls went into dance mode.

I'm back  
I'm back in the saddle again  
I'm back  
I'm back in the saddle again

I had to admit they put on a good show as they swayed and bucked their hips around to the hard rocking number. The three of us watched them with great admiration as the ladies showed us their best moves. They did their hometown boys proud.

Ridin' into town alone by the light of the moon  
I'm lookin' for old Sukie Jones, she crazy horse saloon  
Barkeep gimme a drink, that's when she caught my eye  
She turned to give me a wink, that'd make a grown man cry  
I'm back in the saddle again  
I'm back  
I'm back in the saddle again  
I'm back

When the chorus came on again the girls all strutted up to us and proceeded to sit on our knees. They weren't facing us but turned at their waists and gave us winks as they began sliding down into our laps and grinded on our thighs. They each were soon straddling our laps. I put my hands out to grab onto Velvet's waist and then remembered we weren't allowed to touch. I heard Deacy giggle loudly as Amber undulated on his legs and raised her arms over her head and twisted around to blow him a kiss. The next part of the song started up and they slid off our legs and began dancing again. It was a great tease to get us going and then leave again.

Come easy, go easy, all right until the rising sun  
I'm calling all the shots tonight, I'm like a loaded gun  
Peelin' off my boots and chaps, I'm saddle sore  
Four bits gets you time in the racks, I scream for more  
Fools' gold out of their mines, the girls are soaking wet  
No tongue's drier than mine, I'll come when I get back

As the next round of the chorus started up the girls returned to us but this time they faced us as they slid into our laps. I sat straight up as Velvet moved her hips closer to mine and proceeded to grind almost right on top of my crotch. The sensuality of her dance and movements had me feeling aroused and I started getting stiff from the friction. She leaned in and placed her hands on my shoulders. It was fucking fantastic! I was really getting into this and turned my head to check on Brian. Kat positioned herself in the same manner as Velvet had and she looked like she was riding him. I noticed Kat took her hands and grabbed Brian's and placed them on her waist as she began rocking on him. I wondered if my girl was going to do the same. I caught a view of Deacy and found he has getting a similar treatment from Amber. I then saw Amber pop a button and her bra opened up to reveal her breasts. She leaned into Deacy and I thought he might pass out. Her tits were right at his face! I turned to look at Velvet and found her reaching for my hands. They were placed on her waist and I felt a bit lightheaded from the drink and her wicked smile as I pressed my fingers into her fleshy hips.

I'm back in the saddle again  
I'm back  
I'm back in the saddle again  
I'm ridin', I'm loadin' up my pistol  
I'm ridin', I really got a fistful  
I'm ridin', I'm shinin' up my saddle  
I'm ridin', this snake is gonna rattle  
Yodalayhe yodalayhe yodayahehoo

I was feeling pretty warm and pretty horny when Velvet reached back and undid her top. Her full round breasts spilled out and she leaned in towards me. I caught a mixture of her perfume and her natural scent as she pressed her groin into mine. My erection grew and so did my desire to get fucked tonight. She teased me with her ample bosom as they swayed heavily in front of my line of vision. I looked up and found her gazing at me. She leaned closer and her breast brushed my chin.

"You are really hot!" she whispered to me. I squeezed her waist and smiled back and winked at her. I am so damn drunk and really wanting some action. She is attractive but my mind drifted to thoughts of Brian holding my waist and me in his lap. Me grinding against him and feeling really good. I felt a rush of arousal pour through me. "I can feel you..." Velvet whispered to me. "I want you..." she added to her whispering. The urge to do more with her came over me. It became even more abundant when she moved one of her hands down my arm towards my crotch. "I've never fucked a rock star...want to be my first?" she asked me in another secret whisper. I had to admit the idea of fucking a stripper was intriguing. I am not going to cheat on Brian but was titillated by the offer. I turned my head and noticed Brian was getting a face full of breasts and had an aroused look about him. He must of felt me watching him because he turned to look at me. Yeah. His pupils were large and his mouth was slack. I knew he had an erection for sure. I turned back to Velvet who had slowed her movements against me and had an erotic expression on her face and her hand moved to hover over my crotch. It didn't help my situation. Then she leaned in and pressed her hand right onto my cock. Shit!

The song started its wind down and the girls began sliding off of our laps. Before Velvet moved away from my face she brushed her lips against my cheek. I didn't try to touch myself to hide my erection as she stood up as it would have made it worse. I fumbled in my pocket for a cigarette. The girls stepped away from us and began straightening their skimpy clothes and putting their tops back on. They were looking away from us as they adjusted their bras. I glanced at Brian again who was adjusting his trousers. I could see he was turned on as well and we shared an excited expression between us. 'That was hot!' he mouthed to me. I nodded agreement. I noticed Deacy was shifting on his couch and looked a little out of it. He had a lot to drink and I wondered if he was going to pass out from the booze and the warm room we are in. I got up from the couch and inhaled on my cigarette as I walked over to him.

"Alright Deaks?" I asked him. He smiled lazily at me and pointed to his crotch.

"I'm horny Rog..." he told me and giggled as he said it. I giggled back. 

"Well...lets go to the hotel and sort ourselves out..." I told him. He nodded agreement and slowly began to stand up from the couch. Amber walked over to help him up.

"Easy there cutie..." she told him sweetly. He smiled lovingly at her. 

"You're my new favorite American..." he told her with a goofy grin. She laughed lightly at him.

"You might be the cutest thing I've ever seen..." she told him as she gave him a brief hug. Brian walked over and pulled out his wallet. He handed me a fifty dollar bill and gave Deacy one as well. I walked over to Velvet and handed her the money. She wrapped her fingers around it and leaned in to kiss my cheek. When she did she whispered to me again.

"I can meet you at your hotel later..." she offered and I felt her slip something in my jacket pocket. "Call me at this number..." she informed me as she slipped away from me. I saw Deacy giving his money to Amber and Brian was doing the same with Kat. I wondered if they got propositioned as well. The girls walked us to the door and Velvet winked at me as we stepped back into the noise and darkness of the club. We began walking to the exit and stopped so Brian could make sure our tab was paid. As he was taking care of it Ratty came out of the toilets and was smiling and waving as he rushed up to us. 

"Now this was fun!" he remarked with a huge grin as we headed for the exit. We got our coats on and went outside. The limo was sitting at the curb and we all climbed in. Deacy and Ratty took a seat together and began chatting about their experience. I slid in to a seat and Brian got in next to me and closed the door. We took off and Brian ran his hand through his hair. It was a bit tangled from being manhandled.

"So?" I asked him as he loosened his curls. He smirked and looked over at me.

"That was pretty fucking hot!" he told me and leaned over and whispered to me. "I'm really horny right now.." I smiled as he whispered and ran my finger over his thigh.

"Ditto..." I replied and we shared an amorous look between us. I sat back and kept my hand on his thigh. I noticed Ratty watching my hand on Brian's leg. He gestured at me.

"That's not fair you know..." Ratty commented with a hint of sarcasm. "We are all sitting here worked up from those lap dances and you're practically eye fucking each other over there.." he remarked to me with humor in his tone. I smiled wickedly at Ratty and stroked Brian's thigh shamelessly. Deacy giggled at his comment.

"Maybe you should hook up with Crystal then?" I countered back and they all burst out laughing. We all knew my roadie Crystal was his room mate during our stay in Boston. Ratty calmed down and slid his hand inside his jacket. He pulled out a card and smirked at me.

"Maybe I'll just call up Miss Marti for a little fun back in my room.." he remarked. I saw he had been offered the same as me. Deacy giggled and reached in his coat and pulled out a card.

"I got propositioned by Amber!" he bragged as he held up the card and had a proud look on his face. "But I'm just going to call Ronnie when I get in..." he told us with the sweetest expression and tore the card up. We all beamed at Deacy's wise choice. I considered showing them my card but waited to see if Brian had got one as well. He didn't budge and just sat with a drunk smile on his face. I decided I would trash my card when we got to the hotel. Deacy and Ratty began talking about the great bodies their dancers had but I my mind on the body next to mine. 

"Stop!" Deacy suddenly announced and banged on the partition behind him. The limo driver stopped the car and Deacy opened his door. He went to get out and Ratty grabbed him. 

"What are you doing?" he asked him with a worried voice. Deacy giggled and pointed out the door. "It's an all night diner!" he told him. "I'm hungry!" Ratty shrugged and looked at us.

"Want some food?" he asked us. I wasn't hungry and Brian shook his head.

"We're good..." I replied. "How will you get back?" I asked him. Ratty smiled.

"I'll get us a taxi.....no worries...let me get him fed and we'll head back.." he informed us. Deacy moved to get out and turned to us both.

"Goodnight.." he told us. We waved goodbye as they disappeared from the limo. The limo driver turned to look at me and wait for instructions. I nodded and he turned back and resumed driving. Brian and I looked at each other with sloppy smiles. I still had my hand on his thigh and pressed it firmly. Brian moved his hand over to my thigh and did the same. My arousal grew as we looked into each other's eyes. I leaned in towards him and considered a kiss but he got a bit wide eyed as he saw me draw near. I had a bold idea and would only consider it since I am so drunk. 

"We need to live a little...right?" I said to Brian and he smirked and nodded agreement. I slipped over to the seat across from us and behind the driver and tapped the window. He pulled open his little partition. "If I give you $50, you'll keep your eyes on the road....right?" I said quietly through the small partition. I glanced back to see Brian watching me intently. The driver nodded and turned to face forward. 

"I don't really even know who you are to be honest....for $50 you can do whatever you want back there...it's none of my business...I'll put up the visor..." he told me without turning to see me.. I pulled the money from my wallet and slid it through the partition. He grabbed it with his hand and waved to me. I sat back and watched the privacy visor start rolling up over his window and the radio volume went louder. I turned and looked at Brian and he smiled and held his arms out to me. I launched myself at him.

Brian caught me with his arms and pulled me into his lap. I straddled his legs and he grabbed my ass as our lips met and we both kissed each other passionately. He moved one of his hands up my back and into my hair and gripped it tightly as we licked into each others mouths.

"You're so fucking hot!" Brian muttered in between our fervent kisses. I had my hands on his shoulders and began grinding myself into his crotch as we both grew hard fast and moaned at the intensity building between us. Brian pulled his hand from my hair and slipped it between us as we both got engulfed in desire and sheer drunken horniness. His mouth separated from mine and he looked down and put his fingers on my trouser zipper and began working it down. "Wanna touch you.." he mumbled to me and I stopped and helped him out as we managed to get me unzipped. The waist of my trousers was peeled back and Brian slipped his hand inside my briefs to hold my cock. It felt hot and delicious and I groaned at the feel of his long delicate fingers gripping me. I reached back and shoved the waist band of my trousers down further and Brian immediately gripped my bare ass. I reached down between us and began getting his trousers undone as well. He assisted me and soon he lifted up a bit to move his pants down and I got him out and gripped his cock in my hand.

Our mouths resumed their work and we kissed sloppily as we began to jerk each other off. I pulled my hand away and licked my palm and returned to stroking Brian. I pressed kisses to his neck as I ran my wet hand up and down his shaft. Brian wet his hand as well and then grabbed both our cocks with one hand and began sliding them together.

"Fuck that feels so good..." I told him in a moan filled voice. I pressed up close to him and one of his hands returned to my bottom and kneaded one of my cheeks as he stroked us both with the other. I began moving my body to simulate sex as Brian kept hold of us both. He used his hand on my bottom to help push me into his hand more. The feel of his warm stiff cock next to mine was almost too much. My face was buried in his neck and hair and it smelled so good. Our breathing got heavier and louder. Brian began lunging up from the seat and the friction on our cocks intensified. A rhythm formed between us and the groans synced up with our movements. I slid my hand up into Brian's shirt and found a nipple and pinched it hard. His head went back on the seat and he gasped. I chuckled at his reaction and pulled my head back from his neck to look in his eyes. They were so full and dark.

"You little minx...." he grunted at me and slipped his hand holding my bottom between my cheeks. He smashed his mouth into mine and ran his finger in a circle around my hole. He teased me with his tongue in my mouth and a hand on my cock and started teasing me with his fingertip. My cock twitched from all the attention my body was receiving. I found his nipple again and pinched it. I then went for a clear spot on his neck and buried my teeth into his throat.

"Fuck Rog!" He almost shouted and I felt his hand grip both our cocks in a really tight grip. He picked up the pace and I leaned into him more as I felt my orgasm building. 

"Faster!" I breathed into his hair and Brian increased the strokes. We were both out of breath and panting into each other's shoulders. Brian's finger pressed into my hole and I lost it and came all over his stomach. "Fuck!" I gasped and my body jerked and spasmed right against his. I felt a little lightheaded and my hand on his shoulder dug into his skin. Brian cried out and stilled himself against me as I felt his body shudder against mine. We both went silent as we finished and began coming down from our climax.

We caught our breaths and I leaned down for an afterglow kiss. We brushed our lips together gently and I smiled as our mouths parted. "You are amazing!" I told Brian and lightly pinched his nipple again. He chuckled warmly at me and kissed my nose. 

"I have to tell you Rog....that Kat girl propositioned me..." he confessed with a contented smile as he wiped his messy hand on his shirt tail. "I was flattered...she was kind of cute.." he added. I knew I needed to come clean.

"Velvet wanted to meet me at the hotel later.." I revealed to him. His eyes grew wide but he just chuckled again.

"Did she now?" he said in mock surprise. "Well you can't blame her..." he remarked to me as he squeezed my bottom. "I mean...you're always the hottest person in the room..." he told me with a wink. I love it when he is in this kind of mood. Sated and silly.

"My girl was pretty hot....but I think you're sexier..." I said back and he looked a little bashful. He shook his head at me and closed his eyes.

"Not true! But thank you for saying it..." he argued back. I reached up and pulled his hair away from his cheek and took in his handsome face. 

"She may have had great tits! I'll give her that.." I told him and leaned in and kissed his lips. "But you've got the cutest little ass I've ever seen.."

\--------------------------------

The limo arrived at the hotel as we both got our clothes sorted and we cleaned up as best we could. We checked each other over and when the limo pulled up at the entrance we shared a devious smile. I tapped the visor covered window and yelled thanks to the driver and we stepped out of the car as the doorman opened it. We both tried to act sober and casual and did a fair job of it. We headed straight for the lifts and stepped in with a few other passengers. We stood apart from each other and both had smug expressions. We stepped out on our floor and I pulled out my room key for our suite. I got us inside and Brian gently pushed me up against the wall and kissed me softly.

"You always make my life worthwhile..." he told me with a droopy smile and planted another soft kiss on me. "I just wanted you to know that..." I grinned at him as he slipped away from me and disappeared into the bathroom. I began pulling my jacket off and felt like this might be the start of a fun new chapter in our lives.


	90. I  Heard It on My Radio....

7th January 1977

Boston 

Brian's POV

The shrill sound of a ringing telephone woke me up and I groaned as I tried to open my eyes. My head was pounding and my body felt like I had been hit by a car. I blinked a few times and leaned over to try and find the telephone to answer it. I didn't want to talk to anyone but I couldn't take the noise any longer. My fingers gripped the receiver and I brought it to my ear.

"Mmmmm.." was all I could manage vocally.

"Is that you Brian?" Freddie asked me. I coughed a bit to clear my throat but my tongue felt thick and my mouth was incredibly dry and paste like. I peeled my lips open to respond.

"Yes..." I mumbled. I placed my free hand over my eyes as the room felt too bright despite the dark heavy curtains. 

"You're late dear and so is your better half!" Freddie announced to me. Shit! We overslept!

"Mmmmm...sorry....we're ill..." I lied and turned my face to see if Roger was next to me.

"Liar! You're hung over! Just like Deacy! Now get your asses out of bed and I will see you in the meeting in 20 minutes!" Freddie barked at me in a loud voice and hung up on me. I dropped the receiver in the general direction of the cradle and rolled over towards Roger. He was laying face down on the mattress. I placed my hand on his shoulder and shook it. 

"Rog....wake up..." I mumbled to him as I tried to jostle him awake. He only groaned at me and wouldn't move. My impulse was to lay back down and cover my head with the blanket but I knew Freddie would just come to our door. I sighed in defeat and pulled myself up into a sitting position and pushed the covers away from me to let the cold air wake me up. I turned and felt every aching muscle in my body as I planted my feet on the floor and stood up. My head felt like an anvil as I walked around the bed to get to Roger's side. I grabbed the edge of the comforter and began pulling it off of his body.

"Don't touch my fucking blanket!" he growled at me as he took hold of the blanket to keep it from leaving his body. I yanked firmly on it and felt the ache through my shoulders and back as I made the covers slide off of him.

"You have to get up!" I barked at him as I let the comforter and sheet fall onto the floor. I kicked it away as I leaned over and grabbed Roger's arm. "We're late Rog and Freddie isn't happy..." I whined to him. I shook him again and he turned his head around to look at me.

"I feel like shit!" he growled at me and had a cross look on his face.

"Yeah...well...join the club....c'mon...we need a shower!" I continued to whine as I rubbed my temples with my fingers and walked to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and went to my bag for some pain reliever. I got a cup of water and quickly swallowed the pills. I went ahead and drank another cup of water before I pulled off my clothes and checked the water temperature. Roger had not arrived so I slowly made my way to the door and leaned out. "Fuck's sake Rog! Get a move on!" I shouted and turned back to the shower looking for solace from my misery. The warm water helped and I let it run all over me to loosen up as I ran some shampoo through my hair. I was rinsing it when the curtain drew back and a blond head popped in.

"Move over..." he grumbled at me and slipped into the shower. I sighed and stepped aside so he could get wet. He stood under the spray with his head bowed and groaned as the water saturated his dehydrated body. "Never drinking again..." he muttered to me as he soaped up and tried to wake up.

\---------------------------

We both slouched against the walls of the lift and stared past each other. Too miserable to offer any affection this morning. My hair was damp and so was Roger's and I watched as he shivered a bit from the cool air. The door opened to the second floor where we were having our meeting and we both trudged along until we found the room we needed. I got the door open and the aroma of food made my stomach churn.

"How nice of you to join us!" Freddie called out to us as we both walked to the empty chairs at the table and slumped down to sit. I disregarded his sarcasm but Roger grunted in his direction.

"Alright....let's get started..." Peter announced and gestured at the folders in front of each of us. I looked over the schedule as Peter began talking and tried to ignore my headache and upset stomach. I glanced up and found Deacy sipping a cup of tea and looking pale and tired. He was feeling the effects of last night as well.

"You can see we have several interviews lined up for concert promotions and the first of these is this afternoon..." Peter explained to us. "The big one is for a syndicated show for the East Coast stations and you will all be interviewed together.." I checked my wrist to see what time it was and realized I forgot my watch. It figures. I don't have my shit together at all right now. I felt a little embarrassed for my poor state at the moment and tried to focus on the information Peter was sharing. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see the new assistant Paul leaning down by me.

"Maybe this will help..." he told me quietly and sat a glass of some type of juice in front of me.

"What is it?" I asked him in a whisper. He smiled at me.

"Its carrot and apple juice with some ginger in it...trust me...it will help.." I nodded at him.

"Thanks.." I replied and he kept his smile as he placed a glass next to Roger. I sipped the chilled beverage and enjoyed the flavor despite feeling like crap. It soothed my throat and seemed to settle alright as I listened to our schedule. I noticed Roger trying to swallow some of the juice and making a nasty face. He apparently didn't care for it. He moved the glass aside and lit a cigarette. 

"So we leave on the 9th by bus to head for Milwaukee for the opening night of the tour..." Peter remarked as I looked over the travel information. "Make sure you've got your warmest clothes in your main luggage...the forecast isn't looking good..." I hate the extreme cold and wondered why we always seem to tour here during the coldest months. The door to the meeting room opened and John Harris poked his head inside.

"The media man is here..." he informed Peter. Peter nodded understanding to John Harris and stood up.

"That's all for now....make sure you are in the lobby for your ride to the radio station at 2pm... Don't be late!" Peter advised us and shot a look at myself and Roger. I closed my folder up and stood up to leave. The others stood as well and several headed out of the room.

"What time is it?" I asked out loud as Deacy walked by. He looked at his watch and sighed heavily.

"About time for me to go throw up...I think.." he replied and clutched his stomach. "You two look as bad as I feel..." he commented. I nodded at him and so did Roger.

"I don't know if I need some food or some more sleep to be honest.." I remarked and Roger shook his head.

"No food....cause I will be sick for sure.." he told us and began walking out of the room. Deacy tapped my shoulder.

"It's 11:30...since you asked..." 

\------------------------

"Gentleman...welcome to Atlantic Radio Productions...if you'll just follow me.." a young guy in a cheap polyester suit gestured for us to follow him. We walked down the hallway in the production office for the radio interview. He stopped at a studio with a green light over the door and he led us inside. "Please take a seat at the table and Rick will be in momentarily...would any of you like something to drink?" We all nodded and he took our coffee orders. Roger lit a cigarette as we waited for the deejay. Our drinks arrived along with our host.

"Good afternoon...I'm Rick Cannon...nice to meet you all.." he had a friendly smile and a great voice for radio. We shook hands and introduced ourselves and his sound engineer tested the equipment before we began. "I listened to your new album last night....really interesting collection of materials guys....you're so eclectic...no two songs sound the same.." he remarked as he picked up some index cards and looked them over.

"We like to do something different with each number...keep it fresh..." Freddie replied as the sound engineer prompted him to begin the interview. Rick smiled at us as he leaned forward in his chair towards his microphone. I took a sip of the coffee and wanted to spit it out. It almost tasted burnt. I sat the cup down and gave the host my attention.

"Could I trouble you for some water?" Freddie politely asked the young guy that hovered at the back of the room. "I have to watch my throat..." he explained and placed his hand on his neck. The guy nodded and stepped out of the room quietly. I wanted to ask for a water as well because I am still a bit hung over but felt I didn't have Freddie's more valid excuse. 

"This is Rick Cannon with Rock News Radio and today I'm speaking with the members of British rock band Queen....they have a brand new album out and are preparing to tour North America...let me have the band members introduce themselves..." Rick gestured at me since I was on the far end of the table.

"Brian May...guitar and backing vocals...." I answered. He pointed at Roger sitting next to me. 

"Roger Taylor...drums...backing vocals..." 

"Freddie Mercury....vocals and piano...."

"John Deacon.....bass...."

"So Queen! Your new album is called 'A Day At The Races'..." he began and I already knew his first question. "Your previous album was titled 'A Night At The Opera'....is it safe to say you're all fans of the Marx Brothers?" I grinned at his obvious question. Roger spoke first.

"Yes...we enjoy their films and the previous album got the title because we happened to watch the film while in the middle of recording it...with the element of opera playing a role in our single from the album...it just seemed to fit....' Roger adeptly explained. "The reason the title for this new record came about had to do with the feel of our record....a bit like a sequel....so we opted to borrow their sequel title..." Rick nodded as he listened.

"Any 'Duck Soup' in your future then?" Rick responded in an attempt at humor. It fell flat with me because it's inaccurate. 

"The next film was actually 'Room Service'..." Deacy interjected in the conversation. I smiled at his knowledge and desire for the facts. Rick laughed lightly.

"Now that would be an odd album title..." Rick replied as he tried to come back from being corrected by our bassist. I knew Deacy would have something to say.

"Considering how often we eat room service...it's quite fitting actually.." I grinned at Deacy and we all shared an amused grin at his clever observation. 

"This will probably be the last Marx title for a record....we prefer not to repeat things too often.." Freddie added to the remarks. Rick moved on to his next index card.

"Freddie...tell me a bit about your new record..." our host suggested. Freddie proceeded to explain the approach we took and some basics on how we chose the songs. I moved my eyes from Freddie to the host and then felt a finger tap on my leg. I glanced at Roger and his expression told me he was bored. He kept up the tapping as Freddie continued his remarks and I tried to focus on the conversation. 

"Roger..." the host direction his next question to my husband. His finger slipped from my leg as he sat up to listen. "You wrote a track for this album that is a departure from your prior efforts...'Drowse' is the name of the song and is quite a bit laid back from you earlier rockers...why the change?"

"I seem to have been put in a box where I'm just seen as this hard rocker...." Roger answered with a controlled tone. "This is just me exploring a different side of my writing and trying out a new mood and feel....the edge is still there if you read the lyrics...just the delivery is a bit softer.." I was proud of his response and saw the host preparing to move to another question.

"His vocal on this song is remarkable..." I chimed in. Rick looked at me and then smiled at Roger. 

"You do have a good voice..." Rick added to the conversation. "Are there times you've wanted to do lead vocals in your stage show?" he questioned. Roger seemed a little awkward since he was sitting right next to our lead singer. I leaned into him a little for support.

"We have a amazing lead singer....why would I need to do any of the main vocals?" Roger threw back at him. Freddie beamed at Roger's compliment. "Besides...it's quite challenging to perform on the drums and sing at the same time...I already do a lot with the backup vocals...but if I were to do both...the lead and the drums.......it would detract from both aspects of my performance..." Freddie seemed pleased with Roger's answer. 

"Roger does has a brilliant voice....it's such a boon to our work on our harmonies.." Freddie complimented him back and Roger smiled warmly at Freddie for his effort. 

"Yes...the harmonies your group produces are some of the best in the business...what do you think makes you a cut above the rest?" Rick asked us next. It was my turn to take a question.

"I would say two key things....first we spend a lot of time crafting and polishing our harmonies in the studio......lots of rehearsing and layering and overdubs to create the richness you hear on our records...and second would be that we are quite lucky in how our voices blend together so well..." I explained to him. I was using my hands to gesture as I spoke and I noticed Roger watching me with a soft look. "Roger has an incredibly high register and a bit of an edge to his voice...I cover the middle to lower range quite well and am a bit softer......and Freddie...well...he crosses right over both of us to fill out the sound and his power as a vocalist strengthens our efforts.." Rick seemed happy with our detailed responses but glanced over at Deacy.

"John..you don't sing on the recordings...but I've been told you do provide some backing vocals in your shows..." he commented to our bassist. Deacy nodded agreement.

"I'm not really a singer so I prefer not to do any studio work..but I'm happy to help out on the road..." he offered as a response. Freddie patted Deacy's arm and smiled widely. 

"That brings me to your stage performances....there has been some criticism from your previous concerts that implies your shows are too rehearsed....too sterile...what is your response to this?" I hadn't heard this comment from the American press before and apparently neither did the others. We all shared a surprised look between us.

"I'm going to have to disagree with that statement..." Roger remarked and managed to keep his cool. "If you call being prepared and professional...." he paused for a moment and I knew he was trying to hold his tongue. "Let me put it this way....we aren't going to apologize for being polished and for giving our audiences the best possible show for their money.."

"Well some of the reviews seemed to think you were coming across as too slick...that you might lack the intimacy of a looser show that other bands put on..." I guess Rick wanted more from us. I leaned into my microphone.

"Well...I for one don't care much for sloppy musicianship...our shows are rehearsed because we have a complicated light and effects setup that is synced with our music....in order for us to deliver the experience we intend the audience to have, you have to work together and fine tune the flow between our performance and the men working our lighting rigs, our sound board and our effects..." I know the source of his information is the crap written about us by the British music press. We all knew it.

"That criticism is from the English press.. who can't seem to find much they like about us...our audiences deemed our shows a success...at the end of the day that is what matters most to us..." Freddie threw in for good measure. "As far as intimacy during shows in larger venues...I project myself to the people in the back of the auditorium as much as the front...every person in that crowd matters to us....come see one of our upcoming shows and you will find this is the case.." Rick seemed to have worn out the topic with us and moved on.

"I've noticed a trend with your singles in that they seem to steer towards lighter fare...when you plan your singles....are you consciously going for a more pop sound than a rock one?" 

"We don't write any songs specifically as singles..." I pointed out to him. "We write for the express purpose of making an album....once we are done then we decide what might represent the album well as a single...we have had some heavier singles in the past....and will in the future..." 

"It's interesting that all four of you write songs...that is not the usual case for most groups...do you partner on the songs at all or are they individual contributions?" Deacy leaned forward to answer.

"We mostly write by ourselves and might get some input from the others during our studio time but the person who brought the song in really steers the recording session....we find it works well for us..." 

"Are any of you interested in recording your own songs for a solo project for yourself or any other acts?" Roger took this question.

"A few of us have done some work with other artists but our priority is always Queen....with the time we need to record and our heavy touring schedule...there isn't much time for other work these days...."

"Speaking of touring....you open in Milwaukee in the 13th of January and will remain in North America through the middle of March....does it get challenging being away from home that long? I know a few of you have wives and children..." We all seemed to wait for someone else to answer. I gestured at Deacy to reply.

"It is a long time...yes...I am a family man and do miss my wife and little boy when we're away...I'm hoping when he is older they can accompany us for some or all of the tour..." Rick glanced over at Roger.

"You have a young child as well....I understand she was here for part of your last American tour.." Roger nodded at him.

"My daughter made a brief visit during a break in our tour dates...since we were headed for Japan and Australia before returning home...she came out for a few weeks..." Rick then looked my way. 

"Brian...I understand congratulations are in order....you have a baby on the way...is that right?" he asked me. I guess he had been reading every single British press story out there. Not just the concert reviews. I nodded and felt a bit odd since this was the first time I had been asked about it.

"Yes...that's right...it's due in the Spring..." I commented. Rick seemed to want more.

"Now an interesting fact for the American fans...you're engaged to Roger's sister...have you set a wedding date?" he asked me. I had no idea where this came from and wanted to look at Roger for guidance on how to answer this question. I didn't know what to say. This was never discussed in our plans. 

"I believe they're getting married in the summer...isn't that right Brian?" Roger responded and looked at me with an expression on his face telling me to play along. I nodded at him to tell him I would do what he asked. Even though I don't like it.

"Yes...the summer..." I replied and turned to give Rick as genuine a smile of happiness as I could muster. Shit! 

"That's all we have time for today....I'd like to thank Queen for making time to visit with us today and wish them a safe and successful tour here in America....

"Thanks Rick..."

"Tickets for their shows are on sale at the venues and local ticket outlets....though some shows have already sold out.." our host added to the end of our conversation. "This is Rick Cannon with Rock News Radio..."

\-------------------------------

I couldn't get my mind off the question during our interview about being engaged and then Roger telling the host that I am in fact engaged to his sister and we have a summer wedding in the works. I guess we never considered the assumption people would make that since we are having a baby together we are getting married. We rode back to the hotel and I noticed Roger was pretty subdued in the limo. We were all talking about the questions we were asked and how much the British press coverage had seeped into the American media. The topic of my impending marriage never came up but I preferred to talk to Roger about it in private. It started snowing as we drove to the Parker House hotel and we were dropped off as the temperature dropped and the wind picked up. We didn't have rehearsals today and had planned a night off. Freddie had tickets to a theater production and was going with Dane, Peter and Paul. Deacy, like us, was trying to recover from last night's adventure. We parted ways in the hallway of our hotel floor. Deacy was ordering room service and having an early night. I seemed like Roger and I might do the same.

"What are the soups you have?" I asked room service on my call to order us some dinner.

"Chicken noodle, french onion and potato..." I was happy to hear I had more than one option. 

"Okay...make that two potato soups then..." the lady read back my entire order and told me it would be about 45 minutes. I hung up the phone and walked in the bathroom as Roger turned on the bathtub faucet.

"You're taking a bath right now?" I asked him. He checked the temperature with his fingers and looked up at me.

"I've had a chill all day...want to warm up..." he told me as he pulled off his socks.

"I ordered some soup along with your steak...that will help..." he nodded to me as he undid his trousers and peeled them off. "You didn't get your robe..." I reminded him and walked back in the room to get it for him. The hotel provided nice heavy terry robes so I grabbed one from the closet and carried it in for him. He was stepping into the steamy water. I hung it on the back of the door and closed it to keep the room warm and took a seat on top of the toilet.

"This feels good.." he told me with a contented sigh as he sunk deep in the water. We didn't have any bubble bath but he made do. We were silent for a few minutes as he laid with his eyes closed and warmed himself up. I found myself thinking about the engagement question again.

"Hey Rog....can I ask you something?" I asked him. He didn't open his eyes.

"Sure.." 

"Why did you tell that reporter that I am marrying your sister?" I asked him carefully. "We've never talked about it and I was curious why you chose to say 'yes...we're engaged.. " Roger didn't open his eyes and just shrugged at me. His facial expression didn't change.

"I guess I said yes to keep it simple....you know....it makes sense you would be engaged if you're having a baby...so I just went with it....you seemed to have froze up when he asked you so I was trying to help you out..." It sounded reasonable but I still felt this was a bad idea.

"I'm not sure this was the wisest choice..." I responded. Roger opened his eyes and looked at me. It was partly curiosity but part annoyance.

"Why?" he asked me and I felt a weight in his tone. I have a right to express my opinion and we are trying to be open and honest with each other.

"For one....Clare knows nothing about it...."

"Well we can solve that with a simple phone call..."

"That's true...but it just seems like we could have said she is just my girlfriend...you know...how we originally planned..." I told him. 

"So are you trying to say that she's good enough to be your girlfriend and to have a baby for you...but she's not good enough to be your fiance?" he asked me with apparent dislike for my thoughts on the matter. But he is missing my point.

"That is not what I meant Rog...you know I love Clare and think the world of her...of course she is good enough to be my fiance or wife..." Now I felt muddled in my thoughts and in the mess that has come out of this. "It just seems like it is wrong to imply we are getting married after the baby...because how is it going to look when we don't get married?"

"Look.. for now just agree that she is your fiance and that you're planning to marry...it keeps things simple and clear for the fans and for the reporters...." he told me firmly. "Later on...you can just say that you changed your mind..." I didn't like this plan at all because at the end of this charade I would look like a complete arsehole.

"Oh...so I get to the be that shitty guy who dumps his fiance after she has my baby? Thanks Rog! Thanks a lot!" I argued back and crossed my arms in front of my chest. I hated this plan and felt like Clare wouldn't like it either.

"We can have it where Clare calls off the wedding.." he countered back. I didn't like either scenario as it looked like I failed in a relationship. Like something was wrong with me.

"So no matter what I look like a shitty boyfriend..." I grumbled at him. Roger leaned forward in the tub and sighed heavily. He looked at me with some regret.

"I'm sorry Bri....I guess I didn't think it through..." he conceded. I was grateful he could see my side of things but it didn't change what happened. I stood up from the toilet and went back in the main room. Trying to absorb that fact that I had inadvertently become engaged today. Trying to figure out how to tell Clare what happened and hope she wouldn't be too upset. I hated this.

Our food arrived and Roger came out of the tub to eat. We were both pretty quiet and lost in our thoughts as we picked at our food. To fill the silence I turned on the television. I flipped through the channels and was surprised to find Monty Python showing on the public television station. Roger smiled at me as I kept it on the channel and got back in my chair. We shared some much needed laughs as we finished eating and forgot about what happened earlier. One of my favorite sketches came on. It was the one where the man goes to a company to pay to have an argument with someone. 

The absurdity of it all hit home a bit as Roger and I sometimes have ridiculous fights. I got up from my chair and moved to the small couch in our suite and Roger joined me. He leaned into me as we watched and we both laughed out loud. When the show ended we seemed relaxed again and I decided to let go of what happened today. We would call Clare tomorrow morning like we usually do and tell her what happened and deal with it from there. We sat together and watched an episode of the department store comedy 'Are You Being Served' and enjoyed some more lighthearted smiles as we wound down our day. A documentary about a tribe living in the Amazon Rainforest came on next and I got up and grabbed a blanket from the extra bed in our suite and came back to sit next to Roger. We both watched quietly and shared the blanket. Soon Roger slid down and laid his head in my lap and closed his eyes. I noticed it was only 9:30 when my own eyes got heavy and I fell asleep.

8th January 1977

Roger's POV 

I dialed the number for home as Brian finished up in the bathroom. It started ringing and I braced myself to tell Clare about the interview and what I had said about them being engaged. I was going to be accountable for my fumble on this one. 

"Hello..." It wasn't Clare but it wasn't my mother's voice either. It had to be Alli.

"Alli? Is that you?"

"Roger? Yeah...it's me..."

"Hi! Can I speak to Clare?"

"She and your Mum have run into town I'm afraid....there's a winter storm coming and they are picking up some supplies..." 

"Oh...is a bad storm predicted?"

"Yeah....we might get quite a bit of snow..."

"Alright then....let her know I called...how is everyone?"

"We're all good here.....Clare is feeling good and getting bigger by the day it seems..." I knew my sister probably wouldn't like this brought to her attention but Alli is her best friend and probably wouldn't tell her that. "How's America? Meet any film stars?" I smiled at Alli's desire for celebrity. She didn't really consider me one which is nice.

"We're only in Boston so far....Hollywood is not for several weeks I'm afraid..." 

"If you see Robert Redford....give him a kiss for me..." I laughed at the notion of kissing someone who is a complete stranger on her behalf.

"I'll give him your regards......can I talk to Tiger Lily?" 

"She's watching her favorite show right now...hang on.."

"Wait! I will try to call back later to get Clare...I can talk to Tigs then..besides..Brian will want to speak to her as well....."

"Are you two enjoying the tour so far? Do anything exciting?" I was tempted to tell her we got wasted at a strip club and got off in a limo last night but figured it would shock the hell out of her small town mind.

"Alli....we are here to work...we've only been rehearsing so far..." 

"I hope you get to do something exciting while you're there....it is America after all!" 

"I'll give you a full report of our adventures when we come home..." I tried not to sound sarcastic but Alli sometimes makes me laugh. She is quite naive and unsophisticated.

"I'll tell Clare you called then....bye..." I hung up the phone and leaned back on the bed and chuckled at the thought of kissing Robert Redford. He's a decent looking bloke but he's not my type. Brian came into the room and grabbed his jumper from his suitcase.

"Did you talk to Clare?" he asked me as he pulled the jumper over his head. I shook my head at him.

"No...her and Mum went into town for some shopping...there's a storm possible so they were getting some supplies...Alli answered the phone.." Brian raised his eyebrows and looked amused as he sat to put on his socks.

"Alli eh?"

"Yes...and she wants me to kiss Robert Redford for her when we see him in Hollywood..." I remarked and Brian formed a wide smile.

"But I might be jealous...." he quipped back at me but kept his amusement when he said it.

"He does nothing for me...so no worries there..." Brian stood up to go get this shoes.

"Good to know....so how is Alli otherwise?" 

"She was concerned we weren't having enough adventures here in America...of course of failed to tell her about last night..." Brian plopped down on the bed next to me. "I did promise her a full report of our activities when we return..." I told him with a wink and he smiled and leaned in and kissed me and then winked back at me.

"I guess we better make it good then...."


	91. The Harder You Play...The Faster You Fall - Part 1

27th January 1977

Montreal Canada

Roger's POV

"The tours been great so far...our shows are tight and we've not had many problems.." I told Jo as I interspersed talking and smoking. I had a few hours before we were leaving Montreal to head for Chicago and had time for a quick phone call. "Our opening act is Thin Lizzy right now and they've been loads of fun...." Jo laughed in the phone.

"Watch how much fun you have....I know the kinds of trouble you can get up to on the road..." she remarked to me. I smiled at her words of caution.

"Brian is right there having fun with me..." I replied. "He's really loosened up this tour.." 

"Well that is refreshing...what do you think happened to make him that way?" 

"I guess it was me....I told him when we first arrived we should try and live a little since we have a baby arriving when we get home....we will be so busy then and won't have any time for us...so I figured we should enjoy our time now..."

"I'm glad to hear you are getting some quality time together....you're right...a newborn will certainly eat up your sleep time as well as everything else.." she replied enthusiastically. "Have loads of sex and enjoy what the bigger cities have to offer for entertainment..."

"If I had time I would tell you all about one night in Boston...but I'm afraid Brian might come back and I'd have to cut the story short...I'll tell you when we get home.."

"At least give me a synopsis...I'm curious...what kind of mischief did you get up to?"

"A synopsis? Alright.....lap dances from strippers and limo sex.." I boasted to my friend. She gasped in the telephone receiver and my smile broadened as she responded to me.

"You dirty birds!' she told me and sounded impressed. "So I have to ask....was the limo sex with the strippers or just you two?" 

"It was just us but it's funny you mentioned the strippers because we did get propositioned by them.....we just enjoyed each other on the ride back to the hotel.." Jo chuckled at me.

"Boy you are living it up.....well... be careful out there..." she cautioned. 

"We haven't found any trouble since we left Boston but we have had some pretty good sex..."

"I want some pretty good sex...it's been a while for me....tell me some details...I'm lonely in this miserable winter cold..." I laughed at Jo's whining. I know she doesn't have a regular boyfriend and did feel bad for her.

"It sounds like you need to take a lover for the winter...keep that bed warm and you satisfied.." I suggested. Jo groaned.

"Tell me where I can find a decent lover and I'll hop in my car right now....all of the good ones are taken Rog...or they're with other men...." she groaned at me.

"Sorry the options are so limited....any good nightspots in London right now?" I asked her. 

"There's a few new places but it's the same old faces..." I laughed as it sounded like a song lyric.

"Have you considered song writing Jo? You might have a knack for it..." I remarked.

"I'll leave the rock and roll to you drummer boy...." I smiled at her comment. "So...did your sister get over her engagement surprise?" I sighed at the reminder of my bad judgement call a few weeks back.

"Yes....she wasn't happy with me when I told her but at least Brian had calmed down by then...they both felt since it was just the one interview that maybe it might be forgotten....I guess we will wait and see..." 

"Hopefully no one took notice....I'll keep an eye out in the papers here for any mention of it..." Jo suggested. "Rog...I have to go....I have a meeting in an hour and I'm not even dressed yet..." 

"Okay....I'll try to call again soon...take care Jo...love you..." I made a kissing sound in the phone.

"Love you too Rog...give Brian my love..." she made a kissing sound back and we hung up.

I smashed out the remains of my cigarette and climbed off the bed to finish packing. I then checked the bathroom to make sure we got everything and closed up my suitcases. I carried them over to the door and checked that our carry on bags were ready. I was grabbing my coat from the hanger when a knock sounded on my door. I opened it to find Vick was here for the luggage.

"Hey Rog...you ready?" I nodded and stepped back to let him in. He grabbed the large cases to put them on his cart. "You remembered to pack a small bag for the plane?"

"We both did...they're right here..." I replied and pointed to the small bags. He grabbed the last large case and resumed pushing the luggage cart down towards Freddie's room. I heard the familiar sound of my husband's ridiculous clogs and saw him walking hurriedly down the hallway.

"Sorry!" he said in a loud whisper as he came up to our room. He had a few shopping bags with him. 

"I thought you just went to the chemist.." I remarked to him as he went to take his small bag in his already full hands. I gestured to him that I could get it. "What's in the bags?" he looked guilty for some reason.

"There was a baby shop on the way back..." he told me and had a little smile on his face. 

"So what did you get?" I asked him as we began walking down the hallway for the lift. His smile grew when he saw I wasn't annoyed with him.

"Some clothes and a few little presents..." he informed me as we rode to the lobby. I put my hand on one of the yellow bags and peeked inside. He moved the bag away from me. "I'll show you on the way..." he told me and had a coy look. We exited the lift and went out to the waiting car. To our surprise and delight there were two Rolls Royce vehicles waiting for us. I guess John Reid's refined tastes spilled over into Canada. Freddie and Deacy came out after we did and hopped in one along with Paul Prenter. We climbed in the other one and enjoyed having it all to ourselves. I watched the snowy landscape as we rode to the airport. Brian finally gave in and pulled the shopping bags onto the seat next to us. I smiled as he excitedly pulled out his purchases.

"I really like the baby grows I found..." he informed me as he opened a box and showed me two soft tiny one piece outfits. One was a buttery yellow and the other was a soft mint green. I felt the material and they were quite soft. Brian looked so cute as he held up the green one.

"I like this green and I wanted to avoid just buying pink or blue..." he explained to me. I smiled at how pleased he is with himself. How happy he is over a simple thing. A new baby outfit.

"The green is nice but I really like this yellow.." I told him. He beamed at me paying attention and not teasing him for his excitement. I don't think it will really feel real to me until the baby is here but Brian's enthusiasm is growing on me.

"What do you think of the name Jason?" Brian suddenly asked me. It wasn't a favorite of mine so I gave him a look of dislike. "No?" he asked for clarification.

"No..." I replied. He sighed and pulled out a little book. I took it from him and saw it was The Tale of Peter Rabbit. I smiled at the memory of these stories from my childhood. I always loved the illustrations. "Peter Rabbit..." I said to him and he grinned widely at me.

"I love the soft colors in the pictures and always liked these stories.." Brian remarked to me. We sat and looked at the pages in the book until we arrived at the airport. The car went through a gated entrance and we were driven out to the hangar area. We stopped in front of a small plane and found Freddie and Deacy waiting on us. We got the baby things packed back up and got out in the cold mid-day air.

"Get over here....Ratty's getting a picture of us...it's our first private plane after all.." Deacy told us. Paul said he would get our bags and we walked over to pose for a picture. Ratty got positioned and gestured at us.

"Ready?" he asked us. I stood and tried to play it cool as he snapped a few pictures. I was getting pretty cold despite my fur coat.

"I'm freezing!" I finally shouted and turned to climb into the tiny cabin of the aircraft. I noticed there were only six seats and the back rows didn't have a lot of leg room. I took a seat in the front row where I knew Brian would need to sit. The others started boarding and Peter Brown arrived. We all got seated and the pilot came over the small speaker.

"Welcome gentleman to your private flight bound for Chicago...the flying time will be approximately two and a half hours.." I decided this craft was a bit small for its purpose. I wanted to block out his un-nerving experience. I secured my seat belt and closed my eyes.

"Wake me when we get there..." 

\---------------------------

28th January 1977

Chicago Illinois 

"You should have seen the lorry! It was almost rolled on it's side...." I was listening to the roadies talk about one of our transports getting blown off the road on their journey from Montreal to Chicago. The crew had encountered some travel problems and lost a lorry. A replacement PA system had to be found on short notice but it had arrived and was being installed as we waited. I lit a cigarette and watched as Crystal finished with my kit. Paul came through with a tray of hot coffee and walked towards me.

"I made you one just how you like it..." he told me and gestured at the cup on the left end. I picked it up and smiled.

"Thanks...." Paul was certainly working out as an assistant. He was conscientious and tried to remember little details that made our lives easier. It was a big help to Peter since his job had grown in the past year. I noticed Peter himself walking up the center aisle of the arena and he ascended the temporary stairs we had rigged for the soundcheck.

"Hey guys....we've had a request from the promoter....they are asking if we can go ahead and let the fans queuing outside to come on in because the weather is pretty bad out there and the temperature is below freezing right now..." 

"We can't let them in.....it will spoil the show if they see us now...." Freddie argued. "My answer is no..." I wasn't sure I agreed with Freddie. Before I could chime in Brian walked over to Peter.

"What's the temperature outside?" Brian asked him. 

"Right now it's about minus 1 celcius..." Peter informed us. That sounded dangerous to me.

"I think we should let them in Fred..." Brian said to Freddie as he turned to face him. Freddie frowned at him.

"I disagree...they live in this city...they are used to the winter and probably have the right clothes for it....my vote is no...." Freddie immediately looked my way for my input. I kind of agreed with Brian but the look on Freddie's face told me my answer should be no.

"I'll go with the majority..." I told them and felt a bit like a coward. Freddie then shot a look at Deacy.

"Let's just hurry up and finish so they can get inside.." was Deacy's passive opinion. Freddie looked triumphant as he returned to his piano and Peter walked off to break the news to the promoter. Brian put his hands on his hips and glared at me. I hoped we weren't making a mistake.

The PA got installed and we rushed through our soundcheck and retired to the backstage area for some food. The doors were opened and the swell of fans poured in as we disappeared behind the curtains. After a nice roast beef dinner I found a newspaper and tried to catch up on current events as Brian showed Deacy the baby items he purchased. Dane arrived and checked that our wardrobe was ready and then stole Deacy so he could style his hair for the show.

Dane arrived and checked that our wardrobe was ready and then stole Deacy so he could style his hair for the show 

"I'm thinking of cutting my hair off.." Deacy remarked to me as Dane ran a brush through his long mane. I was surprised to hear this as I had only ever known him with really long hair.

"Oh yeah?" I responded and Deacy grabbed the end of his hair. 

"Just feel like a change....been this way for so long...ready for something new.." I could understand wanting something fresh. I glanced in the mirror at my own lengthy locks.

"I've done a bit of haircutting in my day..." Dane hinted to us. He and Freddie shared a warm smile as Freddie breezed into the room in his robe. Dane waved me over when he finished with Deacy and got my hair in order. It did feel good to have someone brush my hair and I wondered why I never had Brian do it. I already liked it when he ran his fingers through it. After spraying me down I thought about how I would look with short hair. It hadn't been really short since the late 60's. A lifetime ago. It was something to consider. I had noticed that long hair was becoming a bit outdated. Freddie had already cut some length from his hair. It looked good and as Deacy mentioned it seemed new and fresh.

"Want a beer?" Brian asked me as he lingered at the hospitality table. I shook my head.

"I'll wait on my whisky.." I told him. He took a beer and headed to his dressing station. Brian needed a haircut worse than the rest of us but I doubted the scissors would lay claim on him any time soon. And that was fine by me. I never wanted to imagine him with short hair ever again.

\-------------------------

We lined up to head for the stage as our opening act loitered in the hallway. Scott Gorham, the guitarist for Thin Lizzy, came walking up to us. 

"Watch out tonight....that crowd is riled up about something...." he informed us. 

"What do you mean?" I asked him as the rest of his band walked by. 

"I got a lemon to the head tonight..." he responded and rubbed a spot near his temple. We have encountered the occasional incident of things being thrown onstage but this sounded a bit heavy.

"We'll keep an eye out...thanks.." I remarked as Scott went to join the others in their dressing room. We walked to the stage and I got settled on my kit as the intro music ramped up. I leaned in towards Crystal as I twirled my sticks to warm up. "Lizzy told us they got some stuff thrown at them..." Crystal nodded confirmation.

"Yeah...several things were tossed from the balconies..." I was grateful for being further back on the stage for once and glanced up to get a view of the balcony section as we started the opening track and there was enough light to see. We got through several songs before I noticed some activity and noise from the balcony in between numbers. Freddie began 'Somebody To Love' and there was a lot of cheering from the crowd since this was our current single. We all focused on performing this number since the backup vocals were complex. I smiled as I saw Deacy give his contribution. We finished in good form and Freddie began his piano introduction to our medley. 'Killer Queen' started us off. Brian was in great form tonight and his solos were hitting their mark on every song. We merged into 'Millionaire Waltz' and that is when I noticed some debris raining down from the upper sections. Shit! What are they tossing at us? I remained focused on my playing and tried to keep an eye on the others since they were out in front. More debris came down and I caught out of the corner of my eye the faint silhouette of someone throwing something. I realized it had landed fairly close to Brian. Luckily it missed him. I wished there was a way I could warn him about it as he didn't seem to notice it. But my microphone was hot and I couldn't risk it. I watched in horror as Brian took a few sweeping steps and his legs came out from under him. His feet abruptly went up into the air and he went straight down on his bottom and his back. Fuck! I heard him hit hard and I dropped my sticks and scurried out from behind my kit. The music stopped as I jumped down to the stage floor and a spotlight gave us some light to see. Ratty had ran from his spot by the piano to help Brian and Rich had already got to his side and was delicately moving his guitar away from his body. Freddie was rushing over as fast as his slippers would permit and Deacy stood there with his mouth open in shock. My heart was pounding as I feared he might be badly hurt. The crowd was shouting and I heard some people screaming Brian's name in a frightened tone. Rich made room for me as Brian laid flat on his back and his face reflected he was in shock as to what had happened. He looked pale and his mouth was tight. But he was conscious. He was blinking a lot.

"Shit Bri! Are you okay?" I asked him as I hovered at his side. I laid my hand on his arm to comfort him as best I could. He looked right at me and seemed a bit off. I worried he might have hit his head. "Did you hit your head?"

"No..." he finally answered in a breathy voice. "Got the wind knocked out of me..." he mumbled as he tried to sit up. He realized it wasn't a good idea and laid flat again.

"Brian...what happened?" Freddie said in a fretful voice as he knelt down next to us. I turned to Freddie. 

"I saw it....someone threw something from the balcony and Brian slipped and fell.." I thought Freddie was going to kill someone by the look on his face. He stood up and glared at the audience.

"Let's get him backstage and have the medic look at him..." Ratty announced. 

"Think you can get up?" I asked Brian. He nodded and held his arms up for assistance. We all grabbed onto his arms and gently got him to his feet. I got on one side of him and wrapped my arm around his upper back as Ratty took the other side of Brian. We began walking him off the stage as the crowd cheered for Brian. Deacy and Freddie followed us as we helped him get backstage. I hated how long the walk was to our dressing room but it was the only place with a couch and some long benches if he needed to lay down. We arrived and Dane came rushing in with the medic.

"You said he fell?" the medic asked as we helped Brian remove his stage top.

"Yeah...he landed on his back..." I explained. The medic looked him over as he stood and then we slowly laid him down across a padded bench on his stomach. Brian grimaced as he tried to get comfortable. The medic carefully examined his back and didn't seem to find any major problems until he got to his tailbone. When he placed some pressure on it Brian hissed loudly.

"Well...I don't think it's broken but he might have bruised his tailbone.." the medic advised us as he walked over to his medical box. Freddie grunted and threw his arms up in the air at the news.

"I hope those fuckers in the balcony are happy! They've ruined the show and damaged poor Brian..." Brian began lifting himself up from the bench despite a protest from the medic.

"What are you doing?" I shouted at him and tried to get him to lay back down. He shook his head and managed to avoid any contact with his lower back and the bench as he stood himself up. 

"It's not that bad Rog....let's just finish the show..." Brian stretched himself carefully and tried to fake a smile for me as he gingerly rubbed his lower back. I looked to the medic to back me up regarding him calling it a night. The medic looked pensive.

"To be honest....it probably wouldn't be too bad if he stood for a while....he probably is going to have more pain later anyway than he will right now....just don't overdo it out there..." I was surprised at the medic's advice. Deacy shrugged at the news and Freddie remained angry. I am pissed off but more worried about Brian right now.

"We can just tell the crowd to fuck off and go back to the hotel..." I told Brian as he walked around to loosen up. 

"It's not fair to the crowd that one or two people did what they did Rog....let's remember the fans who were appreciating us out there and finish the show..." Brian touted his feelings to me and also to Freddie as he spoke. Freddie marched over to some security people who were lingering in the doorway.

"I want the balconies swept for anyone possessing things to throw and I want them kicked out of the show..." Freddie demanded. The security men left as Freddie walked over and held out Brian's stage shirt to help him get it back on. "I'm only going on because that's what you want..." Freddie told Brian in an endearing tone. Brian smiled at him and accepted his help getting dressed.

"Can we get a moment alone please?" Deacy suddenly asked all the people in the room. The medic walked over to us as the others began trailing out of the room.

"I want to give him a shot for the pain but it would better serve him after the show...I'll wait here for you..." he told Brian before he left the room and Deacy closed the door. I wondered why Deacy wanted us alone and he walked over and smiled at us. "I figured Brian needed some TLC before we go back on..." he told us as he grabbed Freddie and headed towards the door. 

"Cheers Deaks..." I said gratefully to my friend. He and Freddie stood and talked quietly and ignored us as I finished helping Brian get dressed and smiled at him.

"You're a better man that I am..." I told him and leaned in to kiss him tenderly. Brian smiled at me as we parted lips and sighed at me.

"The show must go on..."

\----------------------

We made our way back to the stage and Brian seemed better as we got to the edge and Rich helped him pull the guitar over his shoulder and around his chest. He didn't seem too bad off as I smiled at him and resumed my spot on the drums. The lights darkened to signal our return and Freddie headed back on stage. He turned and looked at us all with a resolute expression before he walked to his piano and sat down. He leaned in to his microphone.

"Listen here you motherfuckers that threw shit on my stage....we don't have to continue if we don't want to....but for the 99% of you that are here to appreciate the show...this is for you..." Deacy came out and took his place and then Brian walked out to resume his spot. The crowd erupted in cheers when they saw him. He smiled gratefully at the audience and signaled to Freddie. He started 'Waltz' from the beginning and sang like nothing had happened. But something had and I kept a close watch on the balcony as we carried on. I wasn't the only one. Security guards were now evident and I noticed Rich and Crystal both eyeing the crowd.

We soldiered on through our set and were relieved there was no further incident as we played out the last notes of 'Lap of The Gods.' I noticed Brian grimacing as we finished and wondered if we should skip the encore. We walked off the stage and Rich hovered nearby; ready to take his guitar. Brian tried to stretch a bit but grabbed at his lower back.

"Maybe we should call it a night?" I asked him as we lingered at the stage side and determined if we would do an encore. Brian shook his head.

"Let's at least do the first number.." he argued to me. Freddie and Deacy looked subdued but we agreed to go on and we returned to applause and cheers. Brian started up his riff to 'Now I'm Here' and we all joined in to give our all for the crowd. I could see Brian struggling as we neared the end of the track. When we finally finished he quickly gave up his guitar and went to stand to bow. I jumped down from my kit and carefully touched his shoulder as we bowed to the audience and received a standing ovation. It was the least they could do for Brian considering what happened. We adjourned backstage and found the medic waiting as promised.

"How about a little something to ease that pain?" the medic announced to us as we walked in. I helped Brian with his shirt and the medic gave him some type of shot. We skipped the showers and got dressed to head to the hotel. No one was interested in lingering backstage and the usual hangers on were dismissed earlier tonight. Brian struggled a bit with his trousers and I helped him change. The pain medication seemed to be helping as he soon was able to manage for himself. We all walked to the limousine and climbed in. Brian had been given a regular bed pillow to help cushion his tailbone as we rode to the hotel. He had carefully sat down on it and was pretty quiet. I wondered if the shot was making him drowsy. About halfway to the hotel Brian suddenly leaned my way and kissed my cheek. I smiled at him and saw his face looked a little slack. 

"I love you..." Brian told me and I noticed his voice was slurred. I realized whatever drug the medic gave him might have made him a little loopy. I took Brian's hand.

"I love you too babe.." I told him as I ran my fingers over the top of his hand. I saw Freddie and Deacy looking quite amused at our affection. Brian was beaming at me with glazed eyes and then he licked my face. It took me by surprise and Deacy and Freddie burst into laughter.

"Bri...what are you doing?" I managed to get out before he leaned in and licked my lips.

"I feel really...." he mumbled to me in a slow drawl. Shit! He is stoned out of his mind from that pain shot! I took hold of his face to stop him from licking me more.

"I think you're feeling good from your shot...yeah?" I replied to him. He nodded at me with a sloppy grin as I held his cheeks. The next thing I knew he moved a hand down and grabbed the crotch of my trousers. "Hey!" I almost shouted from the shock of his bold action.

"Want you to feel good too.." he told me in a heavy slurred whisper and began stroking my cock through my clothes. 

"Brian!" I grabbed his hand to stop it.

"Someone's feeling frisky!" Freddie quipped and he and Deacy laughed again. Brian started laughing with them and fell back against the seat. He was soon laughing almost to the point of hysterics and wrapped his arms around his waist. It was so fucking funny to watch I joined in. We were soon all in tears and Brian rolled over into my side.

"You are so fucking high right now..." I told him and Brian half nodded as he proceeded to try and lay down on top of me. I conceded and let him lay his head and shoulders in my lap and I stroked his hair. "Someone really needs to go to sleep..." Brian murmured agreement at me as he ran his hand over my knee and closed his eyes. He then rolled his face into my stomach and tried to give me raspberries on my tummy. I just let him do it and exchanged a look of amusement with Freddie and Deacy as we all proceeded to resume our laughing fit.

Brian finally calmed down and we arrived at the hotel. With my band mates help we got Brian standing and moving. Freddie grabbed his pillow and a paper sack with some insulated ice bags the medic gave us. We made it to our hotel suite and got Brian settled in bed with his pillow and an ice pack against his bottom. He was soon fast asleep and I enjoyed a double whisky to soothe my nerves before I joined him in bed.

\---The next morning---

"You've got to look at this in the mirror..." I told Brian as he moved stiffly to the bathroom. I spotted him as he tried to make his way to the toilet. He was sore all over from his fall and was slow in all his efforts. He finished relieving himself and turned to see himself in the mirror as I guided the back of his pajama bottoms down so he could see. His eyes grew wide and then he grimaced when he saw the horrid bruising that was surfacing on the skin around his lower back and top of his buttocks. He groaned at the sight as we both got a good look. "You almost look like you've been jackhammered.." I teased. It was clear he didn't find it amusing and gave me a sour look.

"Not funny right now..." he told me and pulled up his clothes and began walking from the room. There was a knock on the door and I went to open it as Brian adjusted the pillow on the couch so he could sit down. I got my robe wrapped around me and opened the door to find the medic from last night accompanied by someone else.

"Hey...I wanted to check on Mr. May and brought a doctor with me to make sure he's good to travel..." he informed me. I appreciated his conscientious attitude and was grateful our suite had enclosed bedrooms. I didn't need them seeing only one bed was slept in. I let them in the main room.

"Brian...it's the medic from last night...he's brought a doctor..." Brian looked up and smiled at them despite his hurting.

"My name is Ed and this is Dr. Ridley.." he introduced them and they walked over to Brian.

"Thanks for checking on me..." he told them as they shook hands.

"So Mr. May...let's take a look at your back and see if your fit to travel today..." the doctor instructed. Brian stood up and went to the bedroom with the doctor as I followed them and lingered in the doorway. I hoped no one would notice that there were personal effects from both of us on either side of the bed. The doctor seemed focused on Brian and examined his back as he stood by the bed. "You've got some sore muscles but nothing appears broken..." he commented. He closely examined Brian's tailbone and Brian made a few wincing sounds as he pressed at the bruised area. "Did you get some sleep last night?" the doctor asked Brian.

"I did...but woke up hurting all over...especially my tailbone.." he explained in a labored voice as the doctor finished his exam. He carefully pulled Brian's pajamas back up and turned to me. 

"What kind of travel is planned for today?" the doctor inquired.

"We're traveling by bus to Dayton Ohio...." I advised him. 

"Is there any accommodation for lying down?" I nodded in response.

"Yes...we have some bunks and a there is a long bench seat as well..." the doctor looked pleased.

"If he can lie down when needed then I think he is fine to travel...though he will probably need some pain relievers to be able to be comfortable and also to help him play..." he remarked. He pulled out a bottle of pills and handed them to me. He also gestured to the medic who opened up a plastic bag. "We brought him a couple of donut pillows as well..." he commented and the medic placed two rubber inflatable rings on the bed. "Have him take two pills every six hours and he should alright in about a week..." he explained as he gathered his medical bag and smiled at Brian. "Make sure you eat with those pills..." the doctor advised him and patted his shoulder before he and the medic walked out of the bedroom. I followed and walked them to the door.

"He's on some medications already..." I informed the doctor. "Trofanil and valium..." I told them quietly. "Is he okay taking it with this?" I asked him and shook the pill bottle he had given me.

"It should be fine....good luck..." he told me and they left our room. I returned to the bedroom and found Brian picking up the phone.

"Ordering some food..." he told me and I smiled at his idea. He needs to eat so he can take the pills.

\-------------------------- 

We got settled on the bus and Brian took the long bench seat and got comfortable with his new rubber ring pillow. After we all did some obligatory teasing, Brian fell asleep from the pain pills and we started our 5 hour trip to Dayton. Most of the riders fell asleep as it began snowing and the outside sky darkened. I enjoyed some quiet and a few cigarettes and beer. I watched Brian and thought about how different things would be on the next tour. Europe in the summer and a toddler and a baby in tow. I hoped Freddie didn't mind it being a family affair. Deacy had mentioned bringing Robert and Ronnie along as well. Freddie liked the kids and fawned over them when they were around, but it was different to be stuck with them on a bus for hours at a time. I laughed to myself as I imagined him surrounded by dirty nappies and noisy playtimes. 

The snow picked up and traffic slowed. I checked my watch and hoped we would arrive in time in Dayton for our sound check. The road crew left after tearing down last night so they should have beat the weather when driving in. I got up and walked to the front where Peter was speaking to the driver. 

"This snow is getting heavy...how are we doing for time?" I asked them both as the driver remained focused on the road ahead of us. Peter turned to me.

"We'll make it if we don't get stuck....but I'm not confident we can have a solid sound check..." I pondered waking the others but knew they needed the sleep. As I walked back to my seat and observed the conditions out the window I noticed Brian was awake.

"It's so dark out..." he told me as he laid and watched me. I got up and sat on the edge of the bench seat so we would talk quietly. 

"The snow's pretty bad right now...we are crawling in traffic..." I explained. He glanced around and saw the others sleeping.

"We going to make it?" I shrugged at him. I didn't know.

Everyone eventually woke up and we finally pulled into the downtown area of Dayton around 4pm. We were heading straight for the venue. We could check in the hotel after our show. The snow had stopped falling but it was evident it had snowed quite heavily in this city. The bus stopped at the guarded entrance to the arena. Peter threw on his coat and hat and stepped down the small stairs at the bus door as it was opened. He spoke for a few minutes to the security guard and then returned with an astounded look on his face. The door to the bus closed as he brushed the snow from his coat. He leaned down and said something to the driver and our bus began backing up.

"Well...that was a wasted trip..." he informed us as he stood at facing us all. "They canceled our show..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Brian really took a tumble on stage at the Chicago show on that tour during Millionaire Waltz. Someone was throwing things on the stage and it is believed to have been eggs or ice that was tossed. The information I could find is that he wanted to finish the show and they did as I wrote it. One encore song and they stopped. One source indicated he bruised his tailbone in the fall. Ouch! This man is a trooper! Luckily their next scheduled show was canceled due to the extreme weather and a heating oil shortage in Dayton. It is good to know he got a night off.


	92. The Harder You Play...The Faster You Fall - Part 2

5th February 1977

New York City

Brian's POV

"Thank you so much Peter...and tell John thanks again next time you speak to him..." I shook Peter's hand gratefully and smiled at him. He and John Reid helped me pull it off and I was beyond excited. The weather was cold but clear and the sun was shining. It was a good day for their flight and my heart fluttered as Roger and I stepped into a limo and took off for the airport. We sat close together and enjoyed the views of the city as we made our way to JFK International. We went straight to the International arrivals gate. I already knew the gate number they were using so we walked the distance to gate 12 and found some seats. It was crowded and the wait area filled up quickly. It was a new spectacle in airline travel so quite a few people loitered at the giant picture window to watch the plane come in. We joined them and savored some anonymity with most people being distracted by the incoming luxury passenger jet. 

"To think that my father finally gets to experience the landing equipment he worked so hard on all these years..." I remarked to Roger as we waited to catch a glimpse of the new Concorde aircraft. I held a proud look as Roger put his arm around my shoulders and we shared a warm smile.

"I know him flying on the aircraft he helped design is a big deal Bri...but so is you paying for him and your Mum to come visit New York City and see our show..." Roger reminded me. I nodded agreement. 

"We both paid for it..." I corrected him. "Remember...it was our Christmas present to them both..." Before Roger could respond someone nearby shouted.

"I can see the plane!" the man said excitedly. We both turned to look and could see the narrow sleek craft approaching. 

The excitement was palpable as we all watched this amazing feat in air travel arrive at the gate. There were some audible gasps and nothing but smiles as the craft halted and was secured to the gateway. Everyone turned to face the glass partition to watch the passengers disembark and head to customs. The doors opened and people started coming through. We both watched with anticipation and finally spotted my father by his height as he and my mother strolled the walkway together. Both had bright smiles and looked good despite the long flight. After seeing them arrive safely we hurried along with the large crowd to the welcome area and waited for them to clear customs. Roger smoked a cigarette as we loitered and finally I could see them coming our way as they managed their suitcases. I had a wide smile as we met them on the tiled walkway and I hugged my mother as Roger shook my father's hand.

"Welcome to America!" I told them both as we traded people and I shook my father's hand with pride as Roger got a huge embrace from my mother. "How was the flight?" My father had a broad smile and my mother beamed at him.

"It was remarkable!" he commented. "I couldn't believe how quickly we actually traveled and I have to say the landing was smoother than I anticipated..." I was so proud of my father and reached over and hugged him. He accepted my hug.

"You should be proud Dad....you worked so hard on that project and are a part of its success.." My father seemed heartened by my compliment and my mother seemed so happy to see us have a tender moment.

"Thank you son....now why don't you show me this city you raved so much about..." I knew my father wanted to change the subject before either of us got emotional. I nodded and gestured down the walkway.

"Our chariot awaits..." I told him as I grabbed his suitcase and Roger took my mother's. We chatted about their flight experience and the plane as we walked the concourse to the exit.

I have to say my parents were impressed when we walked out of the airport and our limo driver pulled up and got out and opened the passenger door for us. We all climbed in as the driver secured their luggage and took off for the hotel. My parents took in all the sights as we rode to Central Park and the Plaza Hotel. We pulled up at the city landmark after my parents gushed over the views in the park.

"Oh my goodness....we're staying here?" my mother asked in astonishment. I waited for the doorman to open our car door and I smiled broadly as I stepped out and gave her my hand.

"You deserve the best Mum..." I told her and she took my hand and slid out as Roger and my father followed. The doorman had a bellhop take their luggage and we got them checked in at the grand reception desk in the lobby. I had arranged for a room for them on our floor. They refused a suite and were happy with a smaller room. Both my parents marveled at the luxury of the hotel and were blown away by the size of their quarters. Roger enjoyed showing them all the amenities and we left them to get settled as we returned to our own room.

"I think your parents are impressed..." Roger told me as he closed the door to our suite and I kicked off my clogs. He walked over and put his arms around my neck and smiled lovingly at me. "It feels good to spoil them....yeah?" he remarked to me as I I ran my hands over his arms.

"It does....I can't wait for them to see the Garden..." Roger beamed at me and I leaned down and kissed him softly. We shared a few easy pecks and then he slipped away from me to freshen up.

Roger and I had to go to soundcheck and my parents were staying at the hotel to rest and have some dinner before a car took them to Madison Square Garden for our concert tonight. After running through our equipment check and a few songs, we adjourned backstage. There were some reporters on site and all of us were photographed and interviewed about our first time at the Garden. We were were excited to hear a Rolling Stone writer was doing our first feature article on our tour and our story as a band. We sat and took questions and enjoyed the thought of possibly making the cover of this illustrious magazine. As the journalists left I saw a security man approaching.

"Your parents have arrived..." the man informed me. I followed him to find my parents being provided with backstage passes. 

"Hey!" After some quick hugs I escorted them to our private dressing rooms backstage. "I warned everyone you're coming..." I explained as we arrived at the door. "I didn't want you walking in on them changing clothes.." My parents grinned in amusement as we went inside. It was an enormous room and there was a lot of people visiting tonight. Roger walked over and hugged my mother as I introduced my parents to some of our crew they had never met before. Freddie came over and politely greeted them before having Dane fix his hair. Deacy shook hands with my father and asked some questions about their flight on the Concorde. He and my father spoke for several minutes while I showed my mother around and explained what we do before a show. She watched as Dane helped Roger style and set his hair. She teased him and said she wished she had someone to do her hair all the time like this. Dane told my mother all about preparing our stage clothes and helping us look our best for a show. Roger got out of his chair and I took his place. My hair only take a few minutes. Roger grabbed his polaroid camera and took some candid shots of me and also my parents. My mother observed Roger as he sat down and began his ritual at his dressing station. Her face was aghast as she noticed the blisters in his palms. Roger explained how his energetic drumming often caused cuts and blisters. He pulled out his iodine that he often used to treat the damage.

My mother sat down by him and helped him apply some ointment and some plasters to his hands. Her motherly instincts had kicked in. Big Rich took my father to look at our stage equipment and my guitar setup before the opening act started. My mother remained backstage with us and enjoyed the banter with me and the others. Freddie showed her his ballet slippers and his stage costumes. Deacy shared some recent pictures of baby Robert. My father returned as Thin Lizzy took the stage. We had to start getting dressed and our main security man Terry was going to escort them to their seats for the concert. Roger grabbed his camera and got a photo of us backstage before they left.

"I hope you enjoy the show.." I told them as Terry escorted them from the dressing room. Roger and I shared a warm smile as we began changing clothes. 

"I think your Dad was impressed..." Roger commented to me as I slipped into my satin trousers. I wasn't sure about that. He hadn't said a lot but seemed to be enjoying his visit. We finished dressing and preparing for our show. I felt a buzz of excitement as we lined up to walk to the stage and realized we are playing the eminent venue in America. I have been so wrapped up in my parents being here I forget to feel the immense recognition of making it to this level in our career.

"How many people does this place hold?" I asked Freddie as we waited for our signal to go on.

"Almost 20,000..." We all looked at each other in the low lighting but could see the light of recognition in our faces. This was it! The big time! We had really made it! 

"20,000..huh?" I repeated casually to us all. Without speaking a word we all smiled widely at each other and then pulled ourselves into a group hug. To share this achievement with these people meant everything. My band mates. My friends. I kissed Freddie's cheek in appreciation and he mockingly acted offended.

"You'll mess up my makeup!" he scolded me in jest and pushed me away as he grinned at my open affection. Our intro music started up as Deacy and I shared a warm expression at our accomplishment here tonight. I turned to Roger and we shared a quick kiss before Crystal grabbed his arm to get him seated at his kit. 

'I love you..' Roger mouthed to me as he disappeared in the darkness. I felt like my feet lifted off the ground as I floated to my place to begin the performance of our careers. 

\--------------------

I played my heart out tonight and so did the others. I hoped our audience was as thrilled to be here as we are. We ended the show with our usual bravado and finished with Jailhouse Rock. We took our final bows and I wondered what my parents were thinking as we accepted a standing ovation from the enormous crowd. There was a party being given by Elektra records tonight and we had to attend. My parents were going back to the hotel and we would see them for breakfast tomorrow morning. The party was fun and we met a few celebrities. David Minns was in attendance and he and Freddie were joined at the hip but it was evident something was different between them. Their affection almost felt forced. When the time was right Roger and I slipped away from the party and went back to the hotel to try and get some sleep.

"I hope my father liked the show..." I thought out loud as we rode to the hotel. Roger lightly ran his fingers over my arm.

"Did you like the show?" he asked me sincerely.

"I did...I thought it was great despite the power problem we had..." I responded honestly. There had been a brief power problem in the arena in the latter part of our show but we didn't let it dampen our performance. 

"Then I'm sure he thought it was good.." Roger assured me with a pat on my leg and a confident smile. We were both tired from a long busy day and went to sleep right away. As usual I woke in the middle of the night and buried myself in thoughts of my father's opinions about the show. And then it became his feelings about everything in my life. I tossed and turned for a few hours as I replayed my entire history of choices and his repeated disappointment in me. I finally feel asleep again around 6 am.

6th February 1977

I woke with anticipation of my father's review of our show and was quiet as we got ready for the new day. We soon found ourselves walking to their room. My apprehension grew as self doubt crept inside me. Had my father been impressed? Was I finally showing him I had made the right choice for once and music had given me great reward? I almost hesitated to knock on the door but tapped it gently. Roger looked rested and refreshed and I suddenly felt like a bundle of nerves. The door opened and my father greeted us in his standard attire. My mother came walking up to the door behind him in a smart new suit.

"Good morning!" I told them nervously. Roger could obviously see I was anxious. I tried to hide it with a smile.

"Good morning....I take it your party went well last night?" my father asked us as we all began the walk to the lift. 

"It was nice...we met a few famous people...nobody you'd know.." I replied. My mother seemed impressed but my father had a neutral expression. "Elektra records has been pretty good to us..." 

"I suppose there is a lot of drinking and drug use at these parties..." My father remarked to us both. There is a lot of drinking and drugs and I felt like he was preparing to criticize our occupation for the millionth time.

"We had some champagne...but we never touch drugs...I've told you that...none of us do..." I tried to convey to him.

"It's true Harold....we don't touch the stuff..." Roger assured him. My father seemed convinced and his expression lightened. We arrived in the lobby and went to the Palm Court for our breakfast. We had made a reservation for a table. The waiter sat us and handed out menus. 

"You'll want to get your tea here...no other place in the city does it like home.." Roger commented to them. We all ordered some hot tea and the others got some fresh squeezed orange juice and I opted for grapefruit. 

"Have you dined here before? What's good?" my mother asked us as we looked over the menu. I closed mine and smiled at her. 

"We're in luck...it's the weekend...so we can enjoy the buffet..." I informed her. My mother kept looking at the menu and I saw her expression switch to disbelief.

"My goodness....the prices.." she remarked quietly to me. 

"I told you Mum...we've got it covered...." 

We all opted for the buffet and enjoyed eggs cooked to order along with a huge array of breakfast meats, including salmon. I filled my plate with potatoes, some cheese and fruit and fresh warm croissant. My eggs were fluffy and perfect. Our conversation was filled mostly with chatter about our sightseeing today and we soon laid our napkins down and the waiter brought the bill for me to sign. I saw our total was $74.00 and knew my father had never paid that kind of money for a meal for four in his life. It felt good to provide them with some real luxury. I charged it to my suite and we departed the restaurant with our coats and some anticipation for our day on the town.

Since we only had half a day with them, we opted to take the ferry out and see the statue of Liberty from the water. Our driver took us on a scenic drive down 5th Avenue so we could see the tall buildings. We caught glimpses of the Chrysler building with its art deco facade and metal terrace crown top. The Empire State building seemed larger than life and my parents marveled at the height of these structures. London certainly didn't have this many tall buildings. Of course, we couldn't help but admire the twin edifices dominating the Manhattan skyline in the lower part of the island. The World Trade Center buildings loomed over us as we got close to our destination. Our driver dropped us off at Battery Park and we got our tickets for a sightseeing ferry. We boarded the boat and found some nice seats on the starboard end and appreciated it being a warm day for February. The sun shone the entire trip that we took around the island of Manhattan. There were clear views and I was able to get some nice photographs of the sites as well as my family. One picture I hoped turned out well was an informal shot of Roger standing with my mother looking up at a bridge together. They both looked serene and happy to be in each other's company.

I was watching the shoreline with my father when someone walked up and tapped my shoulder. I turned to see a two young guys and a girl standing behind us and one of them had a Queen tour shirt on from the merchandise stand at our concert. 

"Are you Brian May?" one of the guys asked me. I smiled and nodded. There wasn't any way to deny it. I was on his shirt.

"Yes..." I told him and a huge grin broke out on his face. He turned and swatted his male friend in the arm.

"See...I told you it was him..." he boasted to his friend. They all looked at me with awe. I noticed Roger walking up with my mother next to him and the girl saw him.

"There's Roger! Wow!" she remarked excitedly. Roger smiled at her acknowledgement and my mother appeared a little awkward about us being recognized. She left Roger's side and stepped over next to my father. We shook hands with each of the fans. 

"Gosh! I wish we had your album or something....to get your autograph..." the guy in our shirt told me as his friends stood and stared wide eyed at us. My mother opened her handbag and pulled out a little notepad and handed it to me with a pen. I smiled gratefully at my mother's quick thinking. The fans were elated as Roger and I each signed three separate pages for them.

"Your show last night was the best I've ever seen....and we go to a lot of shows..." one of the guys commented as we finished signing the slips of paper. 

"Thanks...I'm glad you liked it....we were thrilled to play the Garden.." Roger replied as we handed over the autographs. Their faces were beaming at their newfound souvenirs.

"I saw you in Waterbury last year....I have all your records...." the other guy began talking fast out of nervousness. "The way you play that guitar....it's just incredible to see it live....I got to tell you....I saw Zeppelin last year and Page was phenomenal but you blew me away last night!" I couldn't believe the compliment he was giving me and felt a little warm in the face from his praise. I almost felt bashful but was still proud.

"Thanks...that's nice of you to say..." I replied warmly. The girl leaned in towards me.

"My boyfriend says you built that guitar....is it true?" she asked me as she wrapped her hand around one of the guy's arm. I nodded at her.

"I did...it's true!" I confirmed to her. I remembered my father was standing and watching this. I turned and gestured at him. "That's my father right there....we built it together..." I boasted to them. Admiration was on my face as I said it and I saw it in the faces of the fans. 

"Mr. May...that is one amazing guitar!" the guy in the Queen shirt told him sincerely. "You're a pretty cool Dad with helping your son build a guitar and letting him play rock and roll!" the guy expressed with respect. "My old man wouldn't give me the money for an album....let alone my own instrument..." My father seemed lost for words and then smiled at the fans and shook the guy's hand.

"Well...all the credit goes to my son....an instrument is only as good as the person playing it.." he told the fan as he looked at me with esteem. I felt something akin to pride from my father in this moment. And it felt really good.

"Hey...would you mind taking a group picture of us?" Roger suddenly asked one of the fans. They happily obliged and we were lucky enough to get a photo of the four of us together on the ferry with the Statue of Liberty in the background. The fans handed back our camera and left us alone. The remainder of our ride was not interrupted and we all enjoyed the fresh salty air and the wonders of the Big Apple.

\----------------------

All too soon our day together ended. We had a show on Long Island tonight. My parents were heading for a museum next. They had several things they wanted to see on their vacation we arranged for them. The ride back into upper Manhattan was a little quiet and my father seemed lost in his head.

"We are dropping you off at the museum and then our driver is taking us out to Long Island...he'll be back to pick you up in three hours.." I explained to my parents as we arrived in front of the Natural History Museum. "We're on the bus to Syracuse in the morning...so I guess this is it..." I said to them as we sat facing each other in the limousine. I looked at them expectantly and wished we had longer with them. My mother wore a loving smile and she leaned over and cupped my face with her hands.

"You are a wonderful son and I can't thank you enough for this trip dear....I never dreamed I would see the sites of this city and to be here with you made it so special...thank you...both of you..." my mother kissed my cheek and then did the same with Roger. It was clear what this meant to her and we were happy to see her getting to relax and be pampered. I looked over at my father and hoped from something similar in sentiment from him. He leaned towards me and patted my leg.

"This is a marvelous gift...thank you both...I wish there was more time together...but we will see you when you return from the tour..." my father said it with gratitude but I felt almost gutted by his generic response.

"Enjoy the museum.." I told them with a forced smile and felt empty inside as they departed the limo. We waved goodbye to them and disappeared into afternoon traffic. I didn't know how to feel about my father's words. Or lack thereof. Roger grinned at me and rubbed my arm.

"It's a shame we didn't have time to get them some real New York pizza but I'm sure the concierge will recommend it to them..." I nodded agreement and didn't feel much like talking. Roger seemed absorbed in the sights from our car window as we left Manhattan and headed for Long Island. 

"I'm going to nod off for a few..." I told Roger and closed my eyes and slid down in the seat a bit. I hoped to avoid any conversation about my father despite my head being full of emotions about him right now.

\-----------------------------

I decided by the time we reached the arena that I would just let it go. I couldn't control how my father felt about me and wondered if I could ever do anything right by him. But I had a show to do and moved my focus on my performance tonight. We did our soundcheck without incident and I did my best to be good company for the band and the crew as we ate some dinner and enjoyed a few drinks before showtime. 

My mood improved as we got down to business and gave our audience a night to remember. There was a party atmosphere that had carried over from the night before and I decided to make the most of it. Roger noticed my vigor tonight and joined in my heavy drinking. All of us were soon drunk and crawled into limousines for the ride back to the Plaza hotel. We somehow made it to our rooms and fell into bed for some sleep before our bus ride in the morning. 

I woke up feeling quite poorly but shook it off. I was ready to get on the bus and move on. I hopped in the shower and then got Roger up before I finished packing and readied us to leave the hotel. Vick came by and collected our things and we left our room by 7:30 am. There was time for a quick breakfast so we went into the small cafe and ordered sandwiches and some coffee. We paid and went to board the bus waiting on us. As we crossed through the lobby a man from the reception desk waved at us.

"Mr. May!" he called out. We stopped and he rushed up and handed me an envelope. "Sorry...we didn't have time to deliver this to your room this morning...have a safe trip..." he said and I took the letter and we began heading out to the bus. I shoved it in my jacket pocket.

I forgot about the letter as we got busy settling in for the ride and eating our breakfast. Freddie boarded last and looked tired and hung over. He clutched his fur jacket around him and got nested on the large bench seat nearby. Dane boarded the bus and sat down next to him with coffee and sweet rolls. 

"Late night Fred?" I asked him as I finished my coffee. Freddie sighed and looked at me as Dane handed him a napkin.

"It hasn't ended actually..." he informed me as he sipped his drink. I realized he meant he hadn't gone to bed. He could really party when he sat his mind to it. "Did you have breakfast with your parents?" he asked me as the bus pulled out and began the journey to Syracuse. I shook my head.

"With our early start and them being on holiday...we opted to let them sleep in...they leave for the airport tomorrow..." Freddie nodded understanding and found a smile for us. 

"It seemed like they had a good time..." he remarked to me. "What did your father say about the show?" he asked with genuine interest. Everything I had thought I let go of crept back into my mind and my heart. The disappointment and bitterness. I tried not to show it in my face.

"He seemed to like it..." I remarked dismissively. Freddie got an affronted look.

"Is that all he said?" he asked me. I shrugged at him.

"He's not a man of many words...." I told him and felt embarrassed at my father's lack of enthusiasm. 

"Ruth loved the show and thinks we are all immensely talented..." Roger chimed in.

"Especially you dear....we know how much she adores her son in law..." Freddie remarked and winked at Roger. My mother's feelings were always clear on any topic and I appreciated every ounce of her admiration. But it was lost on me as I struggled to accept my father would never embrace my life and show some real appreciation for my efforts. All those moments from my visits with Mack ran through my head. Our talk regarding me letting my father down over and over and Mack asking me to make a list of people I have disappointed and when. Most of my entries were about my father. I realized I had another item to add to my list. Everyone got busy talking about the party last night and I got into my bag and pulled out my journal. The all too familiar loose pages that represented my list got removed from my notebook and I went to get a pen so I could write down another failing on my part. I knew writing it down would help. As I reached inside my jacket for my pen I felt the letter and pulled it out. I hadn't even looked at the writing on the envelope before I shoved it in my pocket earlier. But I did now. It was my father's scribe. I opened the envelope to see what it was about. A problem with their room? An insistence that he pay for something? A complaint about me or my lifestyle? I felt a tide of annoyance rush through me as I unfolded the paper inside.   
\------------------

Brian -

I couldn't sleep last night and went to the bar in the hotel for a night cap. I found myself troubled by something. Something unsaid. Words I should have expressed to you and didn't. So I will say them now.

I am proud of you son. These simple words have often escaped me during times I owed them to you and for that I am sorry. I always try to think that we as men don't need to hear these kind of things from our kin but I learned a lesson today. A stranger on a boat reminded me how proud I should be of you. Proud of your dedication to your craft and how you share this gift with the world. With your dedicated admirers. And I was reminded to be one of them. 

I know I haven't always agreed with your choices and have been too quick to express my disappointment. I will try and remember to give you credit when it is due. You are a remarkable musician and a good father. You have had many great accomplishments in your life and I want you to know I count you as one of mine.

With my love and respect - 

Your father 

\---------------

Some of the words on the page smeared a bit as tears fells from my eyes. But they were some of the happiest tears I ever shed in my life. I carefully dried my letter and placed it back in the envelope.

"You okay Bri?" Roger asked me with concern. I nodded through my tears and smiled widely as I took hold of my list of letdowns and tore it in two.


	93. The Harder You Play...The Faster You Fall - Part 3

12th February 1977

Philadelphia PA

Roger's POV

"Hurry up Roger! Let's get the fuck out of this bloody cold once and for all..." Freddie whined to me as he hurried me on to our waiting tour bus. I had been running late all morning and told Brian to go on ahead of me. I couldn't seem to get myself together and threw on a pair of sweatpants and a jumper over the t shirt I slept in and slipped on my trainers before I grabbed my fur coat and bag and handed over my suitcases to Vick. I hoped Brian had got me something to eat as I rushed through the hotel lobby for the bus. Freddie was getting ready to board and shoved me ahead of him. 

"Alright! Alright!" I answered Fred in an irritated voice and made my way towards the empty bench seat. Freddie noticed me going for it and tried to push past me to get it first. I shoved at him and launched myself at the cushioned seat and landed with a grunt and smile as I claimed victory over him. I laughed as Freddie flipped me off and he plopped down in a large chair on the opposite side of me. He pressed the button to recline the chair a little and held up his hand as Dane came over to give him a coffee.

"I expect a turn on that bench seat in a few hours you little shit..." Freddie informed me as he took his coffee cup and sipped his hot morning beverage. Dane set some food down on the table next to him and laid a blanket over his legs. I realized Dane was now practically his manservant. 

"Maybe your butler can shove me off in a little while..." I cut back at my friend. Freddie hissed at me and Dane just giggled as Freddie grabbed his fork to begin eating. My own stomach growled watching him and I looked over to see Brian enjoying his own breakfast. I considered getting up to see if he had anything for me but knew Freddie would take over my preferred seating.

"Hey Bri...did you remember to get the love of your life some nice breakfast?" I asked him sweetly. He turned and looked all around him and I wondered what he was doing. "What are you doing?" I asked him. He looked lost.

"I'm looking for the love of my life!" he told me and looked right past me. I hoped he was joking and Freddie started laughing loudly as I picked up a rolled newspaper and flung it at Brian. It landed near his shoulder but he managed to catch it and tossed it back at me while smiling. Deacy came out of the toilet at the back and Brian stopped him as he walked by.

"There you are!" Brian told him and stood up.

"What?" Deacy asked him with curiosity. Brian took Deacy's face in his hands and pretended to kiss him. Deacy giggled as he pushed Brian away.

"You're cute Bri...but I value my life!" Deacy told him and winked at me. Brian had a smug grin on his face as he grabbed a paper sack and walked it over to me.

"Your breakfast my liege!" Brian announced as he bowed low and placed the sack in my lap. I grabbed the hem of his jumper and pulled him down towards my face.

"Hah Hah!" I told him with a huff and pulled him in for a kiss. He pressed his lips to mine and we both smiled as we parted. "Thanks for the food.." I told him softly. 

"You're welcome babe..."

\-------------------

We left the winter blues of the northern part of America and drove due south for the warmth of sunny Florida. Our next show wasn't until the 19th and we had some time off during our stay in Miami. But the drive was almost 18 hours so we had some time to kill. We managed to fill it with a heady game of death Scrabble and everyone napping at different intervals. The mood was light and everyone was in good spirits and ready for some surf and sun. We had loaded up the bus's kitchen with snacks and beverages to avoid having to stop for meals. The driver just stopped once for some burgers and fries and a few times for petrol. Before we knew it we arrived on the coast and the bus dropped us off at the gate of our local promoter's beachfront property around 1 in the afternoon on the 13th. The promoter was lending us his summer home during our stay. It was a nice all white dwelling with lush grounds and access to a private beachfront only used by the residents on this tiny street.

We unloaded our things as we were greeted by the promoter's assistant. He handed over some keys to the house as well as a car for our use. The house had four bedrooms and lots of space for us all. We waited until the assistant left and then Brian and I took a larger bedroom and Fred and Deacy grabbed one each. The remaining small bedroom housed Dane so he could see to us all during our stay. It was really warm out and I found my bathing suit so I could change for the beach. I was getting dressed as Brian picked up the telephone to call home.

"How far along is she now?" I asked Brian as he dialed the phone number.

"Clare is at 33 weeks! 33 weeks Rog!" he exclaimed with an excited grin. "The baby will be here in about 7 weeks..."

"Unless she delivers early..." I replied and Brian shot me a look of utter horror.

"Don't even say that...or make a joke...." he argued back. I held my hands up in a gesture of repentance. 

"Sorry..." I told him. He grunted at me and focused on his phone call. I pulled on my swim trunks and flopped down on the bed next to him.

Brian POV

"Hello..."

"Hey Claire..it's Bri...how are you?"

"I'm doing alright...considering...." I felt a tremor of panic in my gut.

"Considering what?"

"Oh you know....swollen feet and waddling about like a duck.." Clare giggled and I smiled at her choice to laugh rather than complain. I glanced at Roger who was watching me intently.

"But you're doing okay overall?" I asked her to clarify. 

"I'm good...everything checked out fine at the doctor's yesterday..." I had about ten questions but decided I should probably cease any interrogation of her condition before she said anything about me obsessing.

"That's wonderful....how is Tiger Lily doing?" Roger smiled at the mention of our daughter.

"That girl is a character Bri! I have to tell you that she has taken a keen interest in drawing as of late..." I was happy to hear Tigs was being creative. 

"That's good to hear...." I replied happily. 

"It's good until she decided to use her crayons on the wall in her bedroom..." Clare advised me in a sharp tone. I cringed at the thought of trying to clean the markings off the new paint. Roger gave me a funny look at the change in my expression. 

"Sorry to hear that....is Picasso available to talk on the phone?" I joked back. Clare laughed at my quip.

"She is...let me grab her..."

Clare got Tiger Lily on the telephone and Roger and I both chatted with her. We hung up with the family and I got changed into my swim suit and we headed for the beach. I found a large bottle of sunscreen in the bathroom and made sure we all coated ourselves in it to avoid a harsh burn. It wouldn't be fun to perform in a few days with sunburned skin. The beach was clean and only had a few others on it from neighboring homes. Freddie, Deacy and Dane soon joined us and we enjoyed the remaining hours of sunlight relaxing in the water and the sand.

After the sun started going down I found my way to the kitchen and discovered it was fully stocked. I pulled out the ingredients for making omelets and Dane sliced some potatoes. We prepared a lovely omelet, fried potato and toast meal for the occupants of the house. Freddie found some champagne and dosed our glasses of fresh orange juice. It was nice to have a homecooked laid back meal. Dane told some crazy stories about former clients in the grooming business and we had some good laughs before we all decided to call it an early night. We relished not having to sleep on a bus or in a hotel room filled with the noises of the streets below. Roger took a shower while Deacy and I cleaned up the kitchen. I hopped in after to clean myself up and found Roger going through the channels on a television in our bedroom as I came out drying my hair. There was a remote control for the tv and he kept changing stations. He stopped on one and looked up at me. He pointed towards the television.

"Hey - it's that show we saw last fall! The one with the cops and the muscle car..." he told me as gestured for me to sit next to him against the headboard of the bed. I laid my hair towel over a chair and sat down by Roger. I recognized the characters and the red and white striped car.

"I remember this..." I told him as I got more comfortable. The characters were speaking and the dark haired guy said the other's name. "Yeah...it's called Starsky and Hutch.." I reminded Roger. He looked pleased that I recalled the title. He crossed his legs and smiled at me.

"I like that guys cardigan..." he remarked to me. I know it appealed to Roger because he always seems cold...except on stage when he is all hot and sweaty. "I'd look good in that cardi...don't you think?" he asked me as he watched the show.

"Rog...you'd look good wearing nothing but that cardi..." I remarked back in a cheeky tone. Roger leaned over towards me with a sultry expression. 

"How about laid out naked on the hood of that car?" he questioned to me and lowered his eyelids and bit his bottom lip. It was intriguing and I felt the stir of arousal at his flirtation.

"You're the one with the thing for cars..." I reminded him. "But you do look amazing in red..." I teased. Roger chuckled at me and leaned over and kissed me and then we resumed watching the show. We laid in bed and fell asleep watching more television. I woke up several hours later and couldn't sleep. My mind drifted to thoughts of everything and nothing at all. I got up from the bed and turned off the tv and walked to the doors of a balcony. I opened it quietly and stepped outside. I still had my robe on and it was enough to keep me warm in the cool ocean breeze. The balcony faced the water and it was a calming and serene place to try and clear my head so I could go back to sleep. I leaned against the wooden railing and looked out into the sky. The clouds had cleared somewhat and the moon's glow improved and quite a few stars were visible. It made me wistful and a bit melancholy at the same time. I realized I was probably going to end up way too far inside my head for my own good out here. I pondered going back in but was interrupted in my thoughts by the balcony door opening and Roger stepping outside.

"Can't sleep?" he asked me as he walked up to my side and leaned against the railing next to me. I shook my head.

"No...my pills just don't help like they used to..." I explained to him. Despite getting a higher dosage from the doctor, it seemed like the pill's effects diminished over time. Roger leaned in closer to me.

"Want to try a warm bath?" he asked me as I slipped my arm around his shoulders. 

"Maybe.." I said with uncertainty. Roger slipped away from my arm and turned to face me. 

"I know something that might help..." he offered. He reached up with his hands and took hold of my face and pressed a strong kiss on my lips. It felt good. Really good. I turned to face him better and began kissing back with more attention. Roger pulled away from me with the same sultry expression he had earlier tonight and took hold of the belt on my robe and pulled it apart. He pushed me up against the railing and knelt down in front of me. I felt a huge rush of arousal and adrenaline as he placed a hand on one of my hips and took my cock in the other. He stroked me a few times and I practically hissed at the friction from his dry strokes. Roger stopped and wet his hand and looked up at me with those incredible eyes as he stroked me with his slick fingers. I rolled my head back and braced my arms against the top of the railing as Roger slowly took me into his mouth.

"God! That feels amazing!" I told him in a voice that was a bit too loud for this time of night but really didn't care. I clenched the edges of the railing with my fingers and groaned in sheer pleasure from his lips, tongue and warm, wet mouth. When he took me all the way in his mouth my toes curled against the wicker floor mat below us. "Too good...Rog.." I mumbled out and Roger moaned against my cock and the vibration made my hips buck forward.

Roger pulled his mouth away from me and slowly stood up. I kept my eyes on his as he undid his own robe and let the sleeves fall away from his arms and onto the mat. He looked radiant standing there naked in the moonlight. The body of a young mythological god. And he is mine. I couldn't help but recall the first time I laid eyes on him standing naked in front of me. All those years ago in my bedroom at my parents house. I had never looked at another man and found beauty in the way I did with Roger. His was exquisite and still is. And age has only enhanced him. I reached out and ran my hand from his shoulder down his chest and over his soft stomach. I let my hand graze over his cock and then stroked his thighs. He took in a heavy breath and leaned into me. I went to begin to kneel down in front of him but he stopped my actions.

"Wait..." he told me. He moved towards the railing and I stepped aside as he faced towards the ocean. He placed his hands on top of the railing and spread his legs in a manner that told me he wanted me inside him. He turned his head to look at me and his eyes were heavy with lust.

"Shouldn't we go inside?" I asked him as I glanced over the balcony to see if anyone was out on the terrace or the nearby beach. I felt exposed out here and knew someone walking on the beach might see or hear us. There was enough moonlight.

"Live a little...." Roger told me in a quiet voice. He was right. We had said we would live a little. I decided to do just that. I pulled off my own robe and stood behind Roger and gripped one of his hips as I leaned in and ran my lips over his shoulder. I nuzzled into his neck and nipped at his ear as my free hand moved down in front of him and loosely stroked his cock. "That's more like it..." Roger whispered to me and I smiled as I slowly slid down his body and squatted behind him. I wet my fingers and then got my lips wet and began teasing his hole. Roger gasped as I licked him and began fingering him open. "Fuck...that's good..." he told me in a husky voice. 

I soon had him ready and wiped at my mouth as I stood up behind him. I got my cock wet and pressed into his entrance. Roger sighed out into the air as I stood behind him and grabbed onto his hips and began filling him up. Roger leaned into the railing as I began to move slowly in and out of him. He turned his face to watch me and I felt like I could cum just from seeing his face as I thrust into him. 

"God your so beautiful in the moonlight..." I told him in breathy voice as I picked up the pace and leaned in to kiss Roger sideways. His back felt so warm against my chest and the cool air kept me from sweating too much. It was an intoxicating mix of Roger's skin and tight heat and the salty breeze blowing by. As much as I loved this position I wanted to look right into that gorgeous face right now. I slowly pulled out. "Turn around...." I told him gently and Roger held onto the railing and turned his body to face me. I walked him to a tall table against the wall and lifted him up on top of it to sit and lean back. He wrapped his legs around me as I used my hand to get myself back inside him. I wrapped my arms around his back and pressed him close to me. We were practically hugging each other as I proceeded to pound into him. It felt so good to hold him so close and make love to him. He buried his face in my neck and hair.

"You feel so good inside me..." Roger said in a low whisper. This was such an intimate deep position and I knew I wouldn't last much longer. Roger's legs clenched around me and I knew he was getting close without me even touching him. I was pressing straight into his prostate in this position and each movement forward made him quiver. The familiar rush poured through me as I pressed him taut against me and gasped. I held the need to cry out inside me as I emptied into him. The release was exquisite. I slid my arm down between us to move my hand to his cock to finish him off as I kept thrusting into him. Roger grabbed a hold of my hair and pulled as he came all over my hand and himself with a gasp of his own. He then let out a massive sigh and pressed his other hand into my back. His face remained buried in my shoulder and hair and we held each other quietly for a minute. My eyes had closed as we stayed silent and then I heard the sound of shifting pebbles. I opened my eyes and looked down at the beach trail. I focused my eyes in the dim light below and made out the shape of a small dog walking around. I sighed in relief.

\-----------------------------

14th February 1977

Roger's POV

I woke to the scent of something sweet and opened my eyes. Brian was sitting on the side of the bed holding up a plate of warm pancakes covered in crushed berries and cream. I smiled at the thought of him bringing me breakfast in bed. He is such a considerate husband.

"Hey babe...this looks good.." I told him as I pulled the blanket away from me and moved to sit up in bed. I saw there was a large tray next to Brian that had a small plate of bacon on it and some tea and juice. It looked divine. 

"Happy Valentines Roggie..." Brian told me sweetly as I took the plate from him and swiped my finger through the cream topping and had a taste. I took another finger full of it and plopped it on Brian's lips. He smiled widely and leaned towards me as we kissed.

"Happy Valentines Brimi....love you..." 

I had forgot it was Valentine's Day and didn't have anything for him. Brian assured me my gift had been our late night tryst on the balcony. Not only had Brian slept well afterwards but his mood that day was bright and energetic. The bruising on his lower back was almost healed from his fall in Chicago and the sunny climate of our current location did wonders on him. Well - all of us actually. To make up for the road crew being stuck in a hotel rather than a beachfront mansion, we threw together a Valentine's beach party that afternoon for the guys and had food and spirits delivered from a local vendor. Our quiet holiday spot quickly became rowdy and loud as music blasted from a makeshift sound system and a few bonfires were built on the beach as the sun began to set. To the great delight of the crew several young women from the neighborhood crashed the party and soon some of the guys found themselves with potential company for the night as the party headed into the evening hours.

Since we didn't know any of these people, Brian and I played it cool and kept our distance from each other. We also had to fend off a few ardent admirers who brazenly flirted with us both. After spinning our practiced tale of girlfriends at home and being flattered at their offer, we turned them down and left them resigned to make a night of it with one of our staff. 

Everyone was enjoying the effects of the sunshine and some good food and drink. The party marched on towards 11pm when the embers of the bonfires glowed flat on the beach and I noticed several of the newly formed couples making out in the sand. Some of the people started leaving so I walked up to the back terrace for a night cap. I saw Deacy and Brian sitting at a table nearby and they were playing a game of chess. I smiled and waved at them as I walked in the back door to head to the loo. I went inside and used the small toilet off the kitchen. I wanted some whisky and went to the liquor cabinet in the living room. I could hear someone speaking loudly in the study nearby and recognized Freddie's voice. It sounded like he was arguing with someone but I only heard him. I assumed he was on the phone and went to the kitchen with the whisky to give him some privacy. I found a clean tumbler and poured myself a double as Freddie came storming into the kitchen. He was holding an empty champagne glass and looked a little fretful. He walked to the counter and grabbed a half empty bottle of champagne. He didn't say anything and I wondered if something was bothering him.

"Everything alright?" I asked him. He shrugged but appeared troubled as he filled his glass and looked over at me.

"I hate Valentine's Day..." he muttered to me and proceeded to swallow half of his newly filled glass. 

"And why is this?" I asked him casually. Freddie let out a dramatic sigh.

"Because David and I just had a horrible fight over the phone...and I don't understand why he decided on today of all days to bring up my behavior on the road!" Freddie complained to me. I loved his vague reference to the numerous conquests he has had on tour.

"You mean he is upset about your cheating?" I said to him plainly. Freddie's eyes narrowed at me reminding him of the hard truth. Something he has never had trouble calling me out on in the past.

"He wouldn't come on tour with me...and it's not like we're married dear...." he countered back to me. I found him belittling his love affair with David to admonish his guilt amusing. 

"Oh that's right! You're engaged to Mary.." I replied.

"Fuck you Roger!" he threw back at me. I just smiled at him and Freddie poured himself more champagne. "How did my life get so complicated?" Freddie pondered to me and he seemed serious as he ran his hand through his hair and looked a bit lost.

"Because you can't be gay in this world Freddie...." I said bluntly. "And to be gay means your life is complicated...."

"Well your life isn't that complicated..." he remarked to me as he sipped his drink. I wanted to laugh out loud.

"Oh really?" I shot back. "I am secretly married to the guitarist in my band and have a fake girlfriend.... and my husband pretends his girlfriend is my sister to explain why we live together and my sister also happens to be giving birth to his child in a few weeks! I also have a child from basically a one night stand whose mother died and left me raising a daughter I didn't know existed until after she sued me for paternity..." Freddie seemed taken aback at the roster of complications in my life. 

"So maybe we both have our issues..." he conceded. I wasn't finished.

"Let's not forget I have an abusive alcoholic father who disowned me on one hand and is basically blackmailing me about being gay with the other..." 

"Okay! You win!" Freddie remarked in a huff and then he started giggling. His head rolled back and his wide mouthed grin surfaced as he began a hearty laugh. I couldn't help it and laughed a bit myself. It was quite the laundry list of issues in my life. Freddie calmed down a bit and wiped at one of his eyes. "Shit Rog! You really are fucked...aren't you?" he told me and laughed again as he took another drink.

"But I wouldn't trade my life for anything..." I reminded him as I held up my glass towards his for a toast. He smiled warmly at me and raised his own.

"To all our lovely complications..." Freddie mused and we touched glasses and drank.

\------------------------------ 

Brian's POV

Deacy beat me in our third game of chess and surrendered to his desire for some sleep. He gathered the chess board and pieces to head inside and I got up from the table and walked to the back door. I looked around for my t shirt and couldn't find it. I did find Roger and Freddie seated in the kitchen bar on stools.

"Hey Rog...Fred....we need to go clean up..." I shouted through the door into the kitchen. I heard some grumbling from them as I grabbed a few plastic bin bags and headed down the beach trail to collect any trash I could find. There was plenty. I quickly filled one bag and tied it off and left it on the trail as I wandered near a low burning bonfire. I shivered at bit at the cooler air near the water and then I saw Crystal laying in the sand snogging with one of the girls who had crashed our party. They heard me and both turned to look at me. "Sorry.." I told them and reached for some empty beer cans and tossed them in my bag. There were several lit tiki torches around the perimeter of the beach. I headed off towards one at the far end and found some abandoned bottles. I was picking them up when I heard the bark of a small dog. I looked up to see that same little dog I saw on the beach last night walking towards me. He didn't seem aggressive; just curious. I sat the bag down on the beach and squatted as he approached. I reached out carefully and laid my hand palm down in front of him. He sniffed me for a moment and then licked my hand. He was some type of corgi mix and he wagged his stubby tail.

"Hey..." I said to him gently. "I hope you're not lost..." I said to him gently. 

"He's not lost..." I heard someone reply. I looked up and saw a beautiful tall woman walking through the sand. She had long black braided hair and was dark from the sun so her face was dim in the low light on the beach. I saw a man approaching behind her. He looked older than her but was handsome and well built. His sandy blond hair contrasted with his tan. He looked like the All American guy. 

"I'm glad to hear it...." I told them in a friendly voice. I stood up and smiled at them both. 

"I take it your a friend or guest of Murray's?" they asked me. I knew the promoter's first name was Murray and nodded.

"Yes...he's promoting part of our tour....I'm with a band he is representing..." I explained to them. I held out my hand to the man. "Hi....I'm Brian...." the man smiled back in a congenial manner and took my hand and shook it.

"Cliff...and this is Helen..." he informed me. I shook her hand as well.

"You're British!" Helen exclaimed to me. She seemed to like it and I nodded to her.

"I am...I am here for a few days with my band for a bit of a holiday between shows...we've been in the states since January..." They both looked interested as I spoke and I felt relaxed in their presence.

"That is quite some party you all had today..." Cliff remarked to me. I hoped we didn't disturb them.

"Sorry if we were too loud..." I commented. Cliff shook his head and had a friendly smile.

"No...just good to see you all enjoying the nice weather...you were fine...in fact...we plan to have a little gathering of our own tomorrow night..." he informed me. Helen walked up and put her arm around Cliff's waist and leaned into him.

"It would be lovely if you could join us...we have all sorts of interesting people coming and you would certainly be a feather in our cap..." Helen told me in a smooth voice. Their dog suddenly took off after something on the beach and Cliff rolled his eyes.

"I'll go after her...nice to meet you Brian..." Cliff remarked to me as he turned to go after the dog.

"See ya!" I told him as he took off. Helen stood in the sand and smiled at me as she twisted her long black braid in her hand.

"You know I recognized you the moment you stood up..." she told me and I figured she knew I was in Queen.

"You know the band?" I asked her with curiosity. She smiled devilishly at me.

"No...I saw you last night on your balcony..." she answered and had a knowing look on her face. "I was out for a late night stroll with my dog..." It suddenly occurred to me that she had seen me with Roger on the balcony last night. Shit! My heart started pounding and my stomach twisted. I clenched my hands and tried to maintain a cool demeanor.

"You must be mistaken..." I said to her dismissively and hoped she would agree. She shook her head at me and my stomach dropped.

"No....it was you!" she assured me. She walked over and got close to me and ran her fingers over the edge of my hair. I shivered at the feel of it. Partly from fear and partly from excitement. "You are pretty remarkable looking..." she said to me in a sultry voice. "And I mean that in a good way..." I felt self conscious and a bit turned on at the same time. This woman has a commanding presence. She let go of my hair and took a step back. I knew I was blushing as my face burned. 

"What did you see?" I couldn't believe I had said this out loud but felt compelled to know what she witnessed. Her expression told me exactly what she had seen and my face burned hotter and my stomach filled with butterflies.

"I saw you making love to a beautiful blond..." she told me bluntly. "And it was a lovely sight..." I felt the stir of arousal at knowing she had seen me with Roger. The idea of getting caught always felt shameful to me but for some reason this beautiful woman catching us made me feel alive and a little dangerous. It felt so erotic. It felt really good.

"You liked it?" I said to her and again felt amazed I was saying this to a stranger. Her face glowed with appreciation.

"I did....I would love it if you and your lady could join us tomorrow night....I think you'll have a really nice time..." I realized she thought Roger was a woman. I felt a sense of relief that she didn't know it was a man and then figured with his long blond hair she had made an assumption. It was also dark and he was pressed up against me. The bubble burst for me a bit when I found myself having to explain that I wouldn't be able to attend her party despite a desire to go. 

"I don't think I can make it..." I replied and felt disappointed to say no. She was looking at me with a frown but then I saw her look past me at something. Her face resumed a smile and it widened immensely. I heard someone approaching and turned to see Roger walking up to us both. I looked back at Helen and it was clear she now recognized him. Her attention returned to me with a knowing look on her face.

"So will I be seeing you and your beautiful blond tomorrow night then?" 

.....To be continued....


	94. The Harder You Play...The Faster You Fall - Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING - ** This chapter contains a trigger warning regarding possible non-consensual sex **

14th February 1977

Miami Florida

Brian's POV

"So will I be seeing you and your beautiful blond tomorrow night then?"

Roger came up to stand beside me and had a stupid grin on his face. It was apparent he had too much to drink. I hoped he wouldn't say anything foolish because our situation was precarious enough. He leaned into my side as he looked Helen over.

"Hey!" he told her in a slightly slurred voice but with his killer smile plastered all over his face. She looked him over and walked closer to us. 

"Hey yourself....I'm Helen..." she told him and held out her hand to him. "What's your name beautiful?" Roger clearly appreciated her flattery. He took her hand in his.

"Roger....nice to meet you Helen..." he told her and I could tell from his tone and his expression that he found her as compelling as I did. 

"So I was just asking Brian if you both would like to come to a party at my place tomorrow night?" Helen glanced over at me with a deep smile and then returned her eyes to Roger.

"Oh yeah?" he said to her in his flirty manner. I needed Roger to know she was aware of us but couldn't say anything in front of her. "Where do you live?" he suddenly asked her with great interest.

"I'm only two houses down the beach...." Helen answered and turned to point in the direction of her home. "So it won't be any trouble to come over and join me tomorrow for some fun..." she offered to us both. "Brian told me you're here on a little holiday...so I would love to be a good American host and show you a good time..." I had to admit Helen was a persuasive figure. I couldn't explain it but I felt drawn to her and the desire to agree to attend the party was overwhelming.

"We have some work tomorrow...what time?" Roger asked her as he took a drink from a glass of whisky in his hand.

"Everyone is coming around eight...." she responded.

"I guess we need to see when we finish....we are shooting a promotional film for a new single.." I explained to her. Her eyes widened a little and she looked intrigued. 

"That sounds fascinating!" she got closer to us both and placed her hand over mine. "Now you must come tomorrow and tell me all about your film...." she insisted.

"We'll let you know...." I said to be non-committal about it. She squeezed my hand and stepped back to leave.

"Goodnight lovers...." she said demurely as she turned and walked down the beach.

\-------------------------------------- 

15th February 1977

"I can't believe she knows..." Roger said for a second time as we lingered backstage waiting for a signal that we are ready to film. 

"Yeah....well...she does...that's what we get for doing it where someone could see us.." I said to him in a weary voice. Roger sighed at me and took a large drink of water from a paper cup. He was trying to manage a mild headache from drinking a bit too much last night. I was trying to manage the reality of this woman knowing our secret. 

"Maybe the best thing to do is just stay away from her....not go to this party....just forget she knows and hopefully she will as well..." Roger remarked to me as he finished his drink and crushed the paper cup in his hand and tossed it towards a garbage bin nearby.

"That seems the best way to handle this..." I agreed. She had never implied she disapproved or was planning to say anything to others. Maybe this was the way forward.

"We're ready!" Ratty yelled to us. I checked my clothes and shrugged to myself. I had put on my white stage tunic to wear for the shoot but had left it un-buttoned. It was to be a loose energetic feel for the video according to Bruce, our director, so I decided to just wear it open like a jacket over my t-shirt. That felt a bit edgy. Roger had on a brown leather jacket of Freddie's because he got cold waiting for the call. He didn't remove it as we headed on the stage. Deacy was talking to Ratty and already had his bass around his neck. He had donned his white coveralls from his own stage clothes. Roger climbed up on his drum riser as I walked to get Red from Rich. Freddie strolled by with Dane behind him carrying a large hand mirror. I got ready as Freddie shifted his white boiler suit he was wearing across his shoulders and then Dane held up the mirror so Freddie could check his face and hair one last time. Bruce, the director, walked up to us all.

"Okay guys....we're all set with the lights and pyro..." he explained. "It will be a lot like you are in concert but we've jazzed up the lights and Tony's adjusted some of the flash pots for a bigger bang...so just perform as you normally would and we'll shoot this a couple of times.." We all nodded and Bruce took off down a flight of stairs to oversee the cameras. An assistant with the clapboard walked in front of Freddie to mark the take.

"We're bringing up the music...." Bruce announced and held up his hand. "Five, four, three..." he mouthed the last few numbers and I prayed I would catch my mark with my guitar licks. The music started and it felt right as I got into playing despite the sound of my amps being turned off. I hated miming and was glad I could actually play the song despite it being the recording playing over us. I just tried to imagine it was a show and gave it my all. Of course, I had to be mindful of the marks made for me on the stage so I didn't disappear from the camera view. The song began to pick up and I knew the first set of flashes was preparing to go off so I made sure I wasn't close to Roger's drum riser. I heard the first set go off and Roger crashing his cymbals in unison. I stepped closer to my microphone as the second blast occurred. But this time it was really loud and the stage practically shook. I noticed Freddie whip around from his position to look back at Roger. I turned myself and saw his kit partially fallen over. I felt a rush of panic through me as I realized it may have fallen on to him. Freddie was already moving towards the riser and I followed. I saw Crystal rush from the side towards the kit with an anxious face. There was a lot of smoke in the air from the explosion so I couldn't see exactly where Roger was.

"Fuck!" Roger screamed and he sounded angry rather than injured. It felt a tinge of relief at hearing that. 

\----Roger's POV----

I fought the urge to cough in the overwhelming smoke swirling around me. I was flat on my back and shoved up against one of our equipment cases. Crystal appeared in the fog and looked worried as he eyed me up and down.

"You okay mate?" he asked me with concern. I moved to sit up on my elbows and felt a little shell shocked. But the feeling was fading as the smoke cleared a bit and saw my kit in disarray around me and my stool laying on its side. It was apparent the flash pots had exploded and blew me off my stool and toppled my kit. It was a complete mess!

"Fuck!" I shouted in frustration at the disaster before me and utter annoyance at being hurled through the air. Crystal stuck his hand out to help me get up from the floor. I gripped his hand with my own and managed to stand up slowly. I saw Brian come up to my side and he was holding his guitar away from him against his side.

"Rog! Are you alright?" he put his hand on my arm and was looking me up and down. I could tell Brian wanted to hug me and was holding back because of the people around us. But I was completely pissed off at the ineptitude of the technical crew on this film. I brushed Brian's hand away and began walking towards the front of my riser.

"What the fuck!" I shouted and glared at all the crew members looking at me in shock. 

"Oh my god Roger! I thought you blew up!" Freddie shouted in alarm as he came to my side and threw his arms around me. 

"I'm fine!" I told him in a short tone and shoved him away from me as I turned to survey the damage to my kit. Shit! What a fucking mess! Freddie remained close to me and looked me up and down and brushed at my jacket. "You're not too messy....we can just have Dane clean you up a bit..." Freddie mumbled as he fretted over me. 

"Are you okay to play Rog?" Brian said and got closer to me as he eyed the director and some other film crew members. I let Brian put his arm around me and it felt comforting and it helped me calm down a bit. 

"I'm think I'm good..." I told him and Freddie both. Freddie smiled at me and turned to face everyone. 

"He's good everyone...let's give him a few minutes and get this cleaned up!" Freddie barked out at everyone. I appreciated him trying to smooth over the situation. He walked straight over to our director and began berating him about the mishap. Brian pressed me close against his side and smiled lovingly at me. We quickly parted as some of the crew began gathering pieces of my drum kit and I went to supervise the reassembly of my equipment. I needed to see what was actually damaged. Crystal and I began inspecting everything and one of the pyro crew walked up to apologize to me.

"Roger....I'm so sorry...." he began and looked guilt ridden as he ran his hand over the back of his head. "It's a miracle you're alright!" he remarked as he helped us pick up some equipment. 

"Lucky me!" I snorted back at him. I was pissed but knew we had a job to finish right now. I just wanted to get this film made and get out of here. The guy looked miserable. 

"I'm truly sorry...you...you could have been hurt or killed.!" he exclaimed to me as we both picked up a cymbal from the floor. I could see it had shaken him up. Hell! I am bit shook up now that the shock and anger are wearing off. I patted the guy's arm and tried to seem calm.

"I'm not hurt...so let's just get on with it..." I told him. He nodded agreement and walked off as Crystal and I shared a look of complete contempt for the close call I just had. I shook my head and carried on.

Filming continued and I managed to soldier on despite the bad mood in put me in. I put all my anger into my playing and felt a streak of aggression pour through me as I laid into my kit. Thoughts of how this incident could have hurt or killed me skirted at the edge of my mind. It became a mix of dread at not being there for Brian and Tiger Lily and the baby. My friends and family and then feeling as if I had somehow chased the edge of death. It ramped my playing up a notch even though we were miming to our recording. By the time we finished my blood was pulsing through me and I felt alive and felt like living dangerously.

The whole ride back to our beach house had me twitching. Part of me wanted to push open the car door and burst out into the dark street and another part of me wanted to take Brian straight to our room and pound him into the mattress. We arrived at the house and I noticed extra cars parked on the street. I remembered the party being held by the mysterious neighbor and her enticing invitation to join her for a good time. That was something we decided wasn't a good idea. I followed Brian into the house and changed clothes and went to the kitchen for some food. My mind kept drifting to earlier today and I picked at my food. I was hungry for something. It just wasn't food. 

"Are you sure you're okay Rog?" Brian asked me quietly as we all sat at the table eating. I didn't want to lie to him but I didn't want to talk about it all right now. I also didn't feel like sharing my inner thoughts with everyone. Dane is a good guy but this was ultra private. Shit! I wasn't sure I could tell Freddie or Deacy what I am feeling right now. I'm not entirely sure how to convey it to them anyway.

"I'm going for a walk..." I told Brian and stood up from the table and grabbed my drink and my cigarettes as I headed out the back door for the beach. The sun had set and the torches on the beach were lit so there was ample light to walk the beach trail and the shoreline. I could hear music in the distance. It must have been Helen's party. I ignored it and walked the path down to the water's edge. I kicked my shoes off to feel the water roll over my feet. I wanted to feel something. Something real to ground me right now. I finished the contents of my whisky and chucked the glass into the sand. I stood and lit a cigarette as I saw Brian coming down the path. 

"What are you thinking about?" Brian asked as he approached. I inhaled deeply on my cigarette and contemplated my answer. Brian put his hand on my shoulder and looked intently at me. "Talk to me Rog..." I honestly didn't know what to say. I just felt it inside. No words.

"Bri....I just can't.." He pulled me into his arms and held me close. I went to close my eyes to shut out my troubles and saw a shadow at the edge of the water. I opened my eyes fully and saw Helen approaching. I got Brian's attention so he could turn and see who was coming our way. He saw her and pulled away from me. I instantly noticed she was wearing a sheer black caftan with a large silver choker. Her breasts were visible through the wispy fabric as it moved against her body. 

"There you are...." she said and had a devilish grin on her face. She walked right up to us and held out her hands to us both. I thought she was just greeting us but she took hold of our hands and began walking us with her towards her house.

"Wait!" Brian told her and let go of her hand. Helen stopped walking and looked at him with that same grin. Brian looked conflicted on what to do. He turned and looked at me with a question in his eyes. All I knew is that I didn't want to talk about what happened today and I needed a distraction from everything I am feeling. I pressed my hand in hers with a desire to go. 

"Is there a problem?" Helen asked as she waited for our response.

"I don't want to talk about our filming today.." I said to her in a controlled manner. Her expression changed to one of empathy. 

"Alright..." she told me in agreeable tone. "You know...you can be whoever you want at this party....if you don't feel like being who you really are....then by all means be someone else tonight..." she remarked to us. It was like she read my mind. It was exactly what I wanted right now. Needed. I took a step forward to follow her lead. Her devilish smile returned and she began walking again. I grabbed Brian's hand for him to follow. He looked uncertain.

"Let's go be someone else for a night...live a little....." I told him. He seemed to understand and laced his fingers with mine and we disappeared into the darkness.

\---The Party---

"Everyone...this is Brian..." Helen told the small group of people who lingered in the expansive living room of her beach house. Brian raised his hand and smiled at the party goers. There were returned smiles and looks of interest as we were presented.

"And this is Roger..." she added as she looked at me with a warm smile. I also waved at the small crowd and smiled. Similar looks were sent my way. A dark blond man I didn't recognize walked over with two large glasses of white wine.

"Brian....good to see you again...." the man said to Brian and handed him a glass. He glanced my way and Brian gestured towards me.

"This is Roger...." he told the man. "Rog...this is Cliff...." I recognized the name from Brian telling me about his encounter with Helen last night. Cliff handed me the other glass.

"Hello..." I told him in a friendly tone. The man gazed at me in a way that almost made me uncomfortable. I brushed it off and smiled at him. Helen grabbed my hand and pulled me her way.

"Enjoy yourself..." Cliff told me as he grabbed Brian's arm and pulled him towards some other people. Helen and I went to speak to a group of women of mixed ages. I was introduced and I decided to tell them I was a biologist on vacation with some friends. Helen seemed to enjoy my ruse. I was vague about my specific work and mostly listened to the guests talk about current events and pop culture. That was easy to follow since we've been in the states over a month. I noticed Brian speaking to a few men who seemed a bit overdressed for a beach house party. He seemed engaged in conversation with them and looked content. It was nice. The pressure was off to be celebrities of any measure. 

Casual conversations continued and Brian and I both made the rounds with the small gathering. Helen disappeared and returned carrying a tray with cocktails on it. Everyone seemed intrigued by the beverages. I accepted one and found it light on alcohol but there was an interesting flavor I didn't recognize. I inquired about the taste and was met with shrugs and a few giggles from my fellow guests. As I worked on my beverage I noticed that Helen had served one of these to everyone at the party. Brian and I caught each other's eyes and he raised his glass to me with a smirk as he downed the last of his portion. I finished mine as well. Someone turned down the music and then put on some really eccentric instrumental album. I noticed a few of the women disappeared down the hallway together as I wound my way back to Brian. He was visiting with a man who appeared to be about 50ish wearing a bow tie and dress shirt with his shorts. He wore glasses and seemed a bit of a square to me. 

"Oh hey!" Brian told me and seemed a little animated. "This is Albert and he has done some work with NASA!" he boasted as the man smiled at me and we shook hands.

"Nice to meet you..." I told him as I stood next to Brian. He looked me over and smiled widely at me.

"Your friend tells me you are visiting from England...I'm curious..do you have parties likes this where you live?" I wasn't sure what the man was referring to. Apparently neither did Brian by the look on his face.

"I'm not sure what you mean...what kind of party?" I asked him. The man gestured towards the hallway as the small group of woman returned wearing matching satin robes. They walked over to the area by a fireplace and sat down in a large pile of floor cushions on the carpet. Cliff, the host, went over to the group of woman and sat down on the fireplace ledge and and was looking over the girls. Someone dimmed the lights in the living area and we all watched as the girls proceeded to remove their robes. I was surprised to find they only wore panties underneath. I wondered exactly what kind of party this is. Albert was watching the women and hurriedly finished his cocktail. I glanced at Brian and we both looked confused about what was happening. Albert left us and went to stand against the wall near the girls. I guess to have a closer look. Brian and I stood side by side and watched as one of the girls reached over and pulled another one to her and began kissing. Ah! So this was some kind of sex show. The two other girls began kissing as well and all the party guests had their eyes on the activity unfolding on the floor.

Brian and I exchanged an amused expression. The room felt warm and I wondered if it was the temperature or the beginnings of arousal on my part. I felt warm enough to remove my jacket. I handed it to Brian as I lit myself a cigarette and decided to enjoy the free show. Brian began pulling his jacket off as well and laid them on the back of a chair. We stood in silence and surveyed the growing sexual tension in the room as one of the girls laid on her back and the other girl began kissing all over her body. Despite the room being full of veritable strangers I felt pretty relaxed watching everything and Brian seemed calm as well. We exchanged a warm amused grin and returned to being voyeurs along with everyone else. I finished my cigarette and we stayed at the back of the room to watch.

My relaxation soon began transitioning to a state of arousal as all the girls stripped their panties off and began kissing and fondling each other. The crotch of my jeans felt tight and I wished I had worn looser clothes. But I hadn't planned to be here tonight and my clothes felt constricting. I noticed Brian shifting a bit on his feet and he ran a hand across his neck and looked a bit flushed. I wondered if he was feeling aroused as well and was self conscious about it. Suddenly Cliff got up from his spot at the fireplace and began removing his shirt. He tossed it aside and unzipped his trousers and stepped out of them. He was wearing some type of cloth thong and he went and laid down in the pile of cushions as two of the girls crawled over to him and began making out with him. It was quite erotic to see the group of them all engaged in pleasuring each other. It was apparent that some of the watchers were beginning to pleasure themselves. Brian's new space buddy Albert had placed his hand over his crotch and wasn't being subtle as he stroked himself through this bermuda shorts. Sweat had formed on my forehead and my lower back was a bit damp as well. I was starting to feel weird inside and I didn't know why.

"Do you want to stay?" I whispered to Brian. Before he could answer I saw slender fingers wrap around Brian's waist. I turned to see Helen standing behind us. Brian noticed her hand and smiled wickedly at me. I saw that his pupils were off and he almost looked drugged. 

"Would you like to go somewhere more private?" Helen asked Brian in a slant on my question to him. Brian looked at Helen and had what was clearly an aroused expression. He turned back to me and took my hand. 

"Let's go..." Brian said to me and glanced at Helen again. Helen slipped her hand away from his waist and grabbed hold of Brian's free hand and began walking us towards the hallway. I had no idea where she was taking us but felt an overwhelming desire to see where it led.

I had a warm rush of euphoria that I couldn't explain as Helen led us into a low lit room with the faint odor of incense and some psychedelic music playing on a small turntable. My body felt extremely loose and I formed a stupid grin. Brian and I stood next to each other as Helen gestured towards the bed in the room.

"Get comfortable..." she told us. She lit some candles on a shelf as Brian led me over to the bed. He kicked off his clogs and sat crossed legged on the mattress as I sat and leaned back on my hands. Helen walked back over to us and stood at the bedside. She smiled warmly at us.

"Do you mind if I sit and watch?" she asked us in a polite manner. "You're just so beautiful together..." she remarked to us. I felt a little strange at her wanting to watch us make out. I wondered what all she had in mind. Did she want to see us fuck or did she plan to join us? What was Brian thinking or wanting right now? Brian shifted over to make room for her between us. Helen sat down and scooted back up against the wall. I saw her caftan shift to reveal her breasts pressed tightly against the fabric. Her nipples were hard and I fought the desire to lean over and lick at it. For some reason I began to feel really hot and bothered and we hadn't even done anything yet. Brian leaned across Helen's legs to get near my face. I could see he wanted a kiss. It felt really erotic that Brian seemed to have no reservations or hesitation in doing anything. What had come over him? What had come over me? I leaned over and met his lips with mine. They felt so soft and pliant. He moaned at our contact and he shifted his position as he reached over and grabbed me and pulled me towards him. His impulses were out of control and it felt really sexy and edgy. I let him move me and he soon had me laid out on my back and was kissing me feverishly right next to Helen. She had rearranged herself to be out of our way but yet very close.

Brian had me pinned down on the mattress and we were snogging as if Helen wasn't a foot away from us. I quickly lost any concern about having a witness as my body melted at his fervent touch and he began pulling my shirt up my torso. I pushed him away enough to get my shirt off and Brian was quickly discarding his as well. He leaned back over me and seemed to want to resume kissing. He glanced over at Helen first as he hovered above me.

"What do you want?" Brian asked her in a slow drawl. I realized he sounded drugged. The intense mix of mellowness and arousal I feel suddenly made sense to me. We've both been drugged. But I was too far gone to do anything. And so was Brian. Helen leaned over towards Brian and kissed his forehead. He smiled as she leaned lower and kissed mine. Her long black braid brushed across my bare chest and tickled me.

"Do what makes you feel good..." she told him. A sloppy grin formed on Brian's mouth and he leaned down and ran his tongue from my neck across my chest. It felt electric and I practically whined for more when he stopped. The urge to do more overcame me. I moved my hands to my trousers and felt Helen stroking my hair as I unzipped and shoved my clothes down my body. Brian immediately helped me rid myself of my briefs as well. He stroked my torso and my stomach and kissed me all over as I felt Helen's heated gaze on us. She moved her hand from my hair and caressed my cheek. "He's so lovely....I can see why you like making love to him..." Helen told Brian as she watched him kissing my stomach and sides. Brian sat up for a moment and stared right into Helen's eyes. They were mixed with desire and curiosity.

"He has the most beautiful body.." he told her. I felt a course of heat run through me as Brian took Helen's hand and ran it gently across my stomach. My skin quivered at their mutual touching. Their hands soon moved lower and Brian placed them both on my cock. Helen took a heavy breath and looked over at me.

"May I?" she asked me gently. I nodded without realizing it and Helen bent down and proceeded to take me into her mouth. I rolled my head back and moaned at how incredible it felt. Brian's hand remained low on my cock and then slid down between my thighs. He slowly caressed my balls and then moved to spread my legs out. Helen was masterful and had most of me in her mouth as she squeezed my base. Brian's delicate fingers danced against my inner thighs and began playing with my hole. I closed my eyes to savor all the other senses. I began to feel really light in the head and before I knew it I couldn't open my eyes again. A disconnection grew between me and my body and I seemed to just float away.

\---------------------------------

\---Brian's POV---

The need to be ill woke me from a deep slumber. My mouth filled with saliva and nausea gripped me. I opened my eyes and clutched at my stomach. I fought to move from where I was laying down and realized I was trapped by a body. As I tried to climb over them to make a run for a bathroom I realized I didn't recognize the person laying next to me. I was going to be sick so I forced my way over them and went sideways on my feet to avoid another sleeping body. I didn't know them either. I shuddered inside at the shock of feeling so ill and not quite knowing where I am and who these people are. I stumbled away from the strangers and went looking for the bathroom. I found the kitchen first and leaned over the sink to empty my stomach into the drain. I stayed bent over the counter and breathed heavily as waves of nausea poured through my body. After a few minutes it finally passed. I reached over and turned the faucet on to rinse the remains away before the smell made me sick all over again. I let the water run and cupped my hands to drink some water to clean away the bile and and horrid taste in my mouth. My entire being felt heavy and drained. I was a bit shaky but better on my feet as I pushed away from the sink and realized I am naked. Why am I naked? I felt panic rise in me as I looked around for something to cover up with. There was nothing. Only a small kitchen towel. I covered myself with my hands and walked back to the area where the people were. Maybe my clothes were in there. As I walked back in the room I saw there were several people laid out on large floor cushions all piled together and asleep. Male and Female! And one of them was Roger! And they were all naked like Roger and I were. What the fuck? Where are we and how did we end up in a pile of naked bodies? My heart began hammering in my chest and I forgot my own nudity as I went o Roger's side to wake him up so we could get out of wherever we are. I bent down and shook his side.

"Rog! Wake up!" I said in a quiet tone. I forcefully shook him as much as I could manage with the weakness I feel. He stirred after a minute and opened his eyes. He worked to focus on me as I took his hand and tried to get him around another body and off the cushions. "Get up! We need to get out of here..." I whispered harshly to him. He stood up awkwardly and straddled the stranger next to him to get away from the pile. I got him walked over to the edge of the room and he bent down and placed his hands on his thighs and breathed heavily for a moment. I considered he might be ill like I was. "Are you going to be sick?" He shook his head and then finally stood back up slowly and looked over at me.

"We're naked..." he told me in a sluggish tone. He breathed heavily again and ran his hand over his chest. I noticed there were some light marks on his body. Like someone had marked him. Some had touched and kissed him. I shuddered as I considered that we might have had sex with some of these people. We are both naked and so are they. I took a good look at my body and saw the telltale signs of activity. Between my own body markings and the dried crusty material on my stomach and other places, I felt need to get out of here and get cleaned up. A headache was forming and my anxiety was growing as I grabbed Roger's hand and began walking out of the room.

"We need to get out of here..." I told him in a panic filled voice. I looked all around and tried to remember anything I could but I had nothing. Roger stopped me and I turned to look at him.

"Hang on!" he told me and peered down a hallway. He seemed to be concentrating on something and then he had a look of recognition. "Wait here..." he told me and walked down the hallway. He went inside each room and then came out of the second one he entered carrying our clothes. I felt some relief that he found them and grabbed them from him as he walked up to me.

"How did you know where they were?" I asked as I pulled on my trousers and tossed my shirt over my shoulder. I had skipped my briefs and socks and slid into my clogs.

"We came to the party....Helen.." he told me as he zipped up his trousers. We both started walking to the back exit and I did feel a faint recognition of our surroundings as we stepped outside into the daylight. It was blinding and my headache pulsed in my head. I immediately shielded my eyes and Roger did the same as we began the walk down the beach back to our place. I remembered Helen from the night I met her and also Cliff. I recalled all the mixed feelings that had stirred up inside me when we spoke and she revealed she had seen me with Roger. As I thought about her more I had some flashes of memory that placed me in her house. I didn't recall getting drunk and wondered why I was feeling so bad and why I couldn't remember everything.

"Rog...why can't I remember last night?" I asked him as we came close to the house we are staying at. 

"I think we were drugged..." he told me. "We got slipped something..." I felt a sense of betrayal and anger slide into me as we took the trail to the beach house back door. Why did we go to her fucking party? Why did I let my guard down and get into this mess? What happened to us last night? Roger and I shared a troubled look between us as he tried the back door and to our relief found it unlocked. We slipped inside and headed straight upstairs for our room. Without any more words between us we both stripped our clothes into a pile and walked into the bathroom. Roger turned the hot water on and we both braved the scorching water as we stood and washed each other down with care and tried to figure out what happened last night. 

The silence continued as we both found pajamas and felt the need to be clothed as we slipped into bed and laid facing opposite directions. We were both lost in our thoughts and lost on how we could let this happen to us. As time went on we both slowly turned to face each other and soon Roger was in my arms and we closed our eyes and tried to remember and tried to forget.


	95. Come Let The New Child Play - Part 1

19th March 1977

Edmonton to New York to London

Roger's POV

It was finally over and we were ready to go home. We finished our show in Edmonton last night and reveled in the grand success of the tour. Everyone was on a major high after our last performance and celebrated in style with a big party at our hotel's banquet room. Brian and I drank but were careful not to overdo it. We had an early flight in the morning and were actually a little gun shy about excessive behavior as of late.

We both felt we had learned a hard lesson about living to the extreme in the aftermath of the party we attended in Miami. After the initial anger at being drugged without our knowledge wore off, some regret and guilt settled in for a bit. We talked about what happened and worked through what memories we had of the event. I have to say it killed our desire for any sexual activity between us for the time being. But the intimacy remained. Our solace from it all was only found in each other's arms. Brian was emotional at times about it and felt it was his fault. I had to assure him we were both culpable about going to the party, but once there, fell victim to the deceitful behavior of the hosts. After speaking to Mack one day on the phone to sort out our feelings, we both felt better and accepted this happened to us, it wasn't our fault and to try and move on. Going home and leaving this country felt like a good way to turn the page. The last piece of this drama involved getting tested for diseases with a doctor Reid knew about in L.A. Luckily the results were negative. We bid Freddie, Deacy and the crew farewell and went to bed at a decent hour and promptly rose and traveled to Edmonton's airport. A direct flight to New York didn't take too long compared to the trans-Atlantic journey that awaited us. Soon enough we landed at JFK airport and spent our layover shopping in the airport to kill some time. We then hustled to our designated gate for our flight to London.

"We're in the 3rd row..." Brian told me as we lined up to board our second plane of the day. I kept my fur coat wrapped around me as we walked to the stairs on the cold windy tarmac to board the giant aircraft. There was the promise of snow in the air and I was grateful it hadn't started before we needed to fly out. We got settled in our first class seats and handed our coats to the stewardess. Our seatbelts were fastened and Brian and I shared an excited grin as our flight took off for home.

The flight was full so there were too many potential witnesses for any real signs of affection between us. We were restrained with each other as lunch was served and got settled for the remainder of the long flight. Brian pulled out his journal and opened it up.

"Can we talk about baby names?" he asked me. I sipped on my coca cola and nodded to him.

"Sure...I guess it's time to narrow it down...huh?" I replied. Brian looked agreeable as he showed me his list. I looked over the ones that weren't crossed out.

Boy Girl

James Emily

Max Louisa

Rufus Samantha

Felix Rory

Jimi Lola

Lennon

"What do you think?" Brian asked as we looked over the short list. I preferred the names I gave him obviously. I knew this could be a lengthy discussion and we might actually come up with more names before the baby is born. I decided to give up one or two of my suggestions so he would as well. 

"I'll let go of Max if you let go of one..." I told him. Brian looked at the list and seemed deep in thought. He crossed through Max and then through the name Louisa. I was happy with his choice. We smiled at each other. 

"Can you cross off another?" he asked next. I looked them over again.

"Samantha?" I offered to him. He nodded and crossed it out. He then looked at the list again and struck through the name Lennon. I was a little miffed he chose one of mine but I still had several of my choices remaining.

"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" I asked him. "Just whatever your hunch is..." I added to my question. Brian shrugged but then smiled knowingly at me.

"I get the feeling it might be a girl....but who knows?" Brian responded. I couldn't hazard a guess but I know what I want deep inside.

"I think it will be a boy..." I told him with conviction and a smug grin. 

"Well...I guess we'll both find out in a few weeks..." he remarked as he closed his journal and closed the conversation about names.

\------------------

After sleeping away a big part of our overnight flight we finally landed in the typical London rain. Customs was backed up and we both grew anxious to get going as we declared the contents of our suitcases and were accepted back into the country. A limo driver holding up a card with our names was waiting for us in the arrivals lounge. We were soon bundled in the car with our luggage and leaving the airport towards Surrey. The rain picked up as we drove home and Brian and I sat excited in the back of the limo. Before long we were off the highway and winding towards the country road that held our house. We pulled into the drive and fought the miserable weather to get our luggage out of the boot and the driver helped us with it to the back door of the house. My mother opened the door as we ran up carrying suitcases, griping about the cold rain.

"Boys! You're both home safe!" my mother declared to us as we rushed inside with our bags. A pile was made by the door and we generously tipped our driver for his efforts and he left us dripping wet in the kitchen. "You're a wet mess!" my mother told me as she laughed and I peeled off my wet fur coat and my mother hung it up to air dry. "Give me a proper hug now!" I wrapped my arms around my mother and savored her warmth as I shook off the chill from being in the cold rain. Tiger Lily came into the room and I couldn't believe how much she had grown. Her hair was a bit longer and so wavy. She seemed taller and had lost some of the baby look. I felt quite emotional looking at my precious girl and she ran straight towards us both.

"There's my baby girl!" I greeted her with a huge smile and she wore one as well. 

"Papa!" she shouted and I welled up with emotion as she ran into my arms and I swooped her up for a big hug. I kissed all over her face and she giggled at me. I savored the smell of her hair and skin and the softness of her cheek. Brian was elated to see her and looked a bit teary eyed himself as he wrapped his arms around us both and we held on to each other.

"Brimi!" Tigs said to him sweetly and Brian kissed her head and loosened his grip on us.

"I missed you so so much poppet..." Brian whispered to her. Tigs got a little wiggly in my arms so I loosened my hold. She looked at me for a moment and then lunged herself right at Brian. He took hold of her and looked serene as she laid her head on his shoulder and took hold of his hair.

"My Brimi..." she told him sweetly. Brian stroked her back with his free hand and smiled lovingly at her and then at me.

"Yes poppet...I'm yours..." he replied. 

"Wet hair!" Tigs told him and we all started laughing as she made a horrid little face and played with his damp curls. 

"There you two are!" Brian and I both turned to see Clare standing in the kitchen doorway watching us. I couldn't believe how big her stomach had grown since we last saw her. It was undeniable that she is pregnant and close to her due date. Clare stood there with a warm smile and had one hand on her stomach and one hand holding her back. Brian handed Tiger Lily to me and immediately went to Clare and hugged her. The emotions in his face told me how much he hated missing out on the past few months.

Clare embraced him and held him as he proceeded to dissolve into tears. He made a choking sound as he began crying and clung to her as his emotions took over. I felt like I should intervene and worried Brian was making Clare uncomfortable. But my sister must have expected this. I forget how well she knows him sometimes. She stroked his back and whispered to him and he finally began to calm down.

"I'm sorry Clare....I just..." he finally told her as he attempted to collect himself. She shook her head as he finally let go of her and stood with his face in his hands. Clare gently pulled his hands away and wiped at his tears. He smiled at her and seemed less embarrassed as she spoke to him.

"Bri...don't apologize for your feelings....I know you're sad you weren't here these past months...it's okay....you're here now...and everything will be alright..." Clare sounded so mature and I felt proud of how she handled things. My mother and I shared an expression of warmth and pride as she came up and put her arm around me.

"It's spring Roger.....the promise of nature reborn and of new beginnings...." my mother remarked to me. I kissed her cheek and smiled at her and knew she was right.

\-----------------------

"And this is for you..." Brian told Clare as he handed her a box and she began opening a gift from us both. Clare tore the paper away from the small box as my mother and Alli looked on. She opened the little box and pulled out the jewelry box inside. I could tell all the women were excited by the aspect of it being some kind of jewelry. Clare flipped the lid and smiled widely as she inspected the silver necklace and heart shaped locket. The locket had a heart shaped diamond inset and Clare picked it up from the box to open it.

"Oh! It's just beautiful!" she remarked as she opened the small hinge. Her face lit up when she found the tiny photo of Tiger Lily inside. She held it up and had a joyful expression. "There's a cute little picture of Tiger Lily inside..." she told my mother and her best friend. Alli leaned into Clare's side to get a closer look and Clare showed her the pendant. My mother looked pleased with our gift choice. 

"There's a blank spot on the other side of the heart...for a picture of the baby..." Brian explained to her. Clare nodded understanding and she began to get a little emotional. A few tears left her eyes as Alli hugged her close. 

"It's lovely guys....thanks so much..." she told us as she wiped away her tears. She went to pull herself from the love seat to stand up for a hug but Brian stopped her.

"Stay put Clare...your smile is thanks enough..." he told her sweetly. She laid back and let out a huge sigh. 

"I'll accept that offer....cause getting up these days is a bit challenging!" she told us and we all laughed at her current state. I reached over and grabbed the next gift. I got up and handed the bag to Alli. She looked surprised and took it from me. 

"What's this?" she asked as she began pulling out the tissue paper inside.

"Just a little something for helping us out..." I remarked to her. Brian and I exchanged a grin as Alli got excited and pulled out the t-shirt we found for her. She laid it out to look at it and laughed out loud. It was an oversized shirt with a picture of Robert Redford on it. We found it in a shop in L.A. and thought it was a good size for a sleep shirt. "We didn't run into him but we found you that shirt....thought you might like the idea of sleeping with him..." I teased her. Alli looked a little embarrassed but then kissed the picture of her favorite actor and smiled at us.

"It's brilliant! Thanks!" she told us and carefully folded it up. I grabbed the final gift and walked it to my mother. She beamed at me as I handed her the foil wrapped box.

"You boys didn't need to get me anything....but thank you.." my mother told us as she carefully peeled back the wrapping paper. Brian sat up to watch despite Tiger Lily being asleep in his lap.

"In case you've forgotten...it's Mother's Day tomorrow..." I reminded my mother. 

"That is true....what have you done then?" she asked me as she opened the box in front of her. We had disguised the jewelry box in a larger one. She opened the large square velvet box she found inside the cardboard one and gasped in shock and delight. Her eyes darted up to mine and then Brian's. "Oh my goodness! I don't even want to know what this cost you!" she said sternly but with clear happiness. "They are breathtaking dear! Oh my!" My mother stood up and walked her present over for the others to see. Their eyes grew large at the sight of her new Tahitian Black Pearl necklace. Brian and I had seen this when shopping for a locket for Clare and both found it quite remarkable. My mother loves jewelry and it felt wonderful to be able to to spoil her with something expensive. While my father had purchased some things for her over the years, it was generally high end costume jewelry. Only her wedding ring was genuine.

"Wow!" Clare almost shouted as she looked over my mother's necklace. "That is stunning!" I walked over and hugged my mom and she held me tight.

"I don't deserve you..." my mother said to me with emotion in her voice. "You are too good to me..." she said as she kissed my cheek. "Both of you..." she added and let go of me and walked over and kissed Brian's cheek as well. Brian smiled warmly at her.

"We love you Winnie....you have always supported us....you deserve everything you want..." Brian replied with fondness. It made me feel good to see my mother so happy. It is even better when I know how much she cares about Brian and he cares about her. Like I care about his parents. I was glad we arrived home in time for Mother's Day. We've missed it the past few years and could only send flowers and a card from far away. This was much nicer.

"Not to break up this love fest...but I'm starving!" Clare announced to us all. Alli stood up to help her stand from her seated position on the love seat. 

"Let's get you fed...and then how about a nice pedicure?" Alli suggested to her as they walked from the room. I was glad to see the care Clare was getting from her friend and watched them walk from the room. Well - Alli walked and poor Clare waddled out.

"I'm going to call Roberta to tell her about my necklace....she is going to die from envy...thanks again.." my mother told me with a smug grin as she walked out of the room. Brian and I were left alone in our living room with our baby. I walked over and sat down next to Brian as Tigs continued to sleep soundly in his lap. 

"The gifts seemed to go over well..." I told Brian as we sat quietly and watched our child slumber. "I'm sure your Mum will like that bracelet we found for her..." Brian nodded and smiled at me as he brought his hand up and stroked my cheek.

"She will....but what will make her the happiest is us being home and the baby almost here..." He is right. No matter how much my mother likes her necklace and can brag about the money we spent on her, the true gift both our mom's treasure most in another baby. 

"It's a shame we couldn't have timed it where Clare was having the baby this weekend...for Mother's Day..." I told Brian with a grin. He returned one to me.

"Trying to get out of buying presents?" he teased. "You love to shop!....Beside.s..I'd prefer she not deliver this early....it's still 15 days until her due date.."

"So we are safely home in time....what are you going to do to make the time pass while we wait?" I asked him as I laid back and leaned into his arm and shoulder.

"I have a list of things to keep us busy...don't you worry..." he assured me.

"I hope a nap is on there..." I told him and then yawned. "I'm tired..." I replied and closed my eyes.

\----------------------------

23rd March 1977

Surrey

Brian wasn't kidding when he said he had a list of things to help keep him busy. What he didn't tell me was that I was included in it. Helping out. Being distracted. Our first order of business after Mother's Day celebrations with both our families was sorting out our laundry from our travels. I took all the dry cleaning into town and Brian began washing the other clothes. We both sorted, washed, dried, folded and hung up everything on our own. The women in the house were busy enough with caring for Clare and Tiger Lily. Most of the housekeeping was done by our service and the day to day was still managed by my mother and Alli. Clare was ordered off her feet at this point due to swelling. She did take regular strolls to stretch and keep her blood flowing. Alli was a great help though and made sure she wanted for nothing. My mother took care of Tigs mostly but with us being home now, the baby's attention was drawn to us. As we got our laundry handled, Tigs helped us by folding socks and putting them in a basket. She sat on our bed and watched as we hung things up and cleaned out our suitcases. While she wasn't able to do a lot, her presence made the chores less tedious and we had some laughs and listened to records as we worked.

"We've finished the laundry...what's next?" I asked Brian as he put away his clean pajamas.

"Since the rain stopped...we need to see to the back garden..." he informed me. It had not rained for two days and the sun was out. The air was cold but spring was coming. We pulled on some old clothes and hats and proceeded to do some trimming and clearing out of the flower beds. The garage was next and we threw out some boxes and junk and tidied up. The next day we moved inside and both of us went through our wardrobes to clear out clothes we hadn't worn in some time. We bundled them in stacks for throwing out and for donation. Brian also sat us down to go through our mail. After paying bills and balancing the accounts, we felt like we were in good shape and marveled at the money we had earned while out of the country.

The time arrived for Clare to see her doctor and we both decided to go this time. Clare had to decide now if she was having the baby at home or in hospital. She already had a home visit with a midwife service and had seen the maternity hospital. Today's visit would tell her if she was still a candidate for a home birth. I was opposed to the idea but felt it wasn't my choice to make. Brian had left the decision to her. I loved how much she wanted us to have the privacy of home when the baby arrived but since we lived so far from a hospital it made me really nervous. We drove into London and arrived on time for her now weekly appointment. Clare checked in as Brian and I took a seat in the waiting room. I instantly wondered if we had made a mistake coming with her. Every woman in that waiting area was staring at us.

"Do you think they know who we are...or is it just that there are two men here with her?" Brian whispered to me as Clare walked from the receptionist desk and took her seat between us.

"It's mostly that there are two of you..." a woman nearby said bluntly to us. Apparently she had heard Brian. Everyone in the room laughed as she said it rather loud. Clare was laughing as well and we soon joined in.

"I know who you are!" another woman told us. "I love your new single..." she told us with a bright smile. We waved to her and smiled widely. Feeling a bit embarrassed but at least no one was hostile or looking judgmental. 

"Thanks!" I told her.

"Not to be nosy...but who's the father?" another woman asked us. Wow! These women aren't shy! Brian raised his hand and the woman all cooed at him. He blushed deeply.

"I have to ask....are you her brother?" the remaining woman asked me politely. "Cause you look alike..." I nodded confirmation.

"Yes! She's my sister..." I answered. They all beamed at me.

"That's so lovely that you'd come along...." the receptionist remarked to me. "We barely get the Dads in here....let alone a sibling..." Clare put her hands on both of our legs and leaned forward.

"They are the best!" Clare told the ladies and beamed at us with pride. I felt some pride of my own for my sister. She has handled this whole situation with maturity and ease. I didn't regret our decision to do this at all and actually felt a real excitement for what was soon to come.

"Clare Taylor..." the nurse called from the doorway. We all stood up and felt all the eyes still on us as we walked with my sister to the exam room. As I slipped past the receptionist desk I saw the lady wink at me. I smiled back and followed my sister and my husband because they knew the way. We were led to a room and Brian helped my sister get up on the exam table after the nurse weighed her.

"So this is your brother..." the nurse commented as she placed the blood pressure cup on my sister's arm. Clare smiled and nodded confirmation to her.

"Yes...this is Roger...." she told the nurse. The nurse turned to look at me with a huge grin.

"I'm Patty...it's nice to meet you...." she told me. "It's good to see you back Brian..." she remarked to Brian. I guess she remembered him for earlier appointments.

"You too Patty....we got back from tour a few days ago..." Brian told her. "Roger and I are in the same band...." Brian informed her. She nodded understanding.

"I know your songs...Queen is really good..." we both thanked her for the compliment and Patty returned to my sister's blood pressure reading and finished up as the doctor walked in.

"Oh! Hello!" Clare's doctor told me in a cheerful voice. "Well...you must a relative because you look so much alike..." she remarked to me. 

"Dr. Larsen...meet my brother...Roger..." Clare introduced me and I shook the doctor's hand. 

"Lovely to meet you...I guess it's all hands on deck!" the doctor commented with a smile and turned her attention to Clare. She looked over the information the nurse handed her as we watched. "Oh! That's not good!" she said out loud and looked at Clare intently.

"What is it?" Clare asked her in a serious tone. I felt a little anxious and Brian seemed to as well.

"I'm afraid your blood pressure has gone up again..." the doctor told Clare. "That's bad news for a home birth...." she added. "We need to do some tests today to see what is going on...alright?" I was really anxious now and Brian and I shared a concerned looked between us.

"What kind of tests?" Clare asked her and the disappointment was on her face regarding the option of a home birth fading away. I felt bad for my sister.

"For starters....a protein test...since you're close to your due date...I want both urine and blood work done..." The doctor had Clare sit back and she examined her legs and feet. "I see you've got swelling....are you staying off your feet like we discussed?" Clare nodded.

"I have been...I've got plenty of help at home...so I'm getting plenty of rest and sitting around..."

"That's good...you need to continue that and try to keep your legs elevated as well....are you having any problems with your vision or headaches...any pain?" I felt like the doctor was looking for symptoms of something and I didn't like it. It was un-nerving to sit and listen to this.

"No....just the swelling and I feel fine really....my appetite is good and no pain or vision problems..." the doctor looked happy to hear this. She examined my sister's burgeoning belly next. It was odd to see how high it stuck up as she laid on the exam table. She finished up with her and helped her step down from the exam table to go provide a urine sample. The nurse walked my sister out and I immediately felt compelled to ask what her concern was.

"Doctor....can I ask you a question?" she nodded to me. 

"What are you looking for with my sister? I could tell you were asking about symptoms....I have a biology degree so I know about these things...what condition are you concerned with?" the doctor seemed surprised to hear about my degree.

"Clare never told me you had a medical background...." she answered first. "I just want to rule out any potential problem with preeclampsia to be perfectly candid..." she confessed. I recalled something about this from my reading and remembered it was quite serious.

"So a protein test is telling then? I asked her. She nodded and walked over to me.

"The good news is she only has two possible symptoms....the high blood pressure and the swelling...and it could be they are just two symptoms of late stage pregnancy..but since her reading is higher than last week...I just want to make sure we don't overlook anything..." I liked hearing the cautious position the doctor was taking. I felt like my sister is in good hands.

"I remember reading this condition was quite serious....a lot of doctors would miss the signs until it was too late...thank you for being on top of this.." I responded with sincerity. "I won't say anything to Clare until you do...." I assured her. She looked pleased to hear this.

"I'll have the results tomorrow for her tests...I'm requesting a rush since we are close to her date.." Brian looked distressed hearing all this and I knew I would have to talk to him about it later. The exam room door opened and Clare came back in.

"That was easy enough!" she told us with a smile. "If there is one thing that comes easy these days...it's peeing on command!" We all laughed at her remark and I hoped that the doctor's concerns turned out to be nothing. Still - I wasn't taking any chances with my sister's well being. If she was at risk for anything like this, I was going to take some aggressive measures.

We left the doctor's office and Clare complained about having to let go of the home birth plan. Brian and I were supportive and listened to her as we headed home. I didn't get a chance to talk to Brian alone until it was time for bed. The spring storms rolled in and it began raining as we enjoyed a family dinner. The miserable weather made everyone subdued and ready for bed earlier than usual. Brian and I read a bedtime story to Tiger Lily and headed for our own room not long after turning out her light. Brian put on a Doors album and we both started getting ready for bed. I pulled my old biology book from the shelf in our room and began looking for the chapter on pregnancy. 

"Are you going to tell me about what you discussed with the doctor today?" Brian asked me as he came out of the bathroom and changed his clothes. I found the chapter and read over the information again. 

"Some women develop serious problems with high blood pressure during pregnancy..." I began and Brian sat down on the bed next to me to listen. "They also have damage to some of their organs...their liver and kidneys..." Brian's eyes filled with worry. "They can face real problems with delivery and sometimes suffer seizures and strokes in certain cases.." I know Brian is probably freaking out hearing this but he likes facts and I wasn't going to lie to him. "Remember Bri....this is only a concern right now because of her blood pressure readings and some swelling....the tests will tell us more..." I reached over and took his hand in mine. "It is cause for concern....but we shouldn't get worked up over this until we know more tomorrow..." He seemed to take the information in stride. He nodded understanding and slipped his hand away as he reached over to get his pregnancy book from his nightstand. 

"I'll read over the chapter about complications with pregnancy again to see if it mentions this.." he told me quietly. 

"Alright...just try not get upset about anything yet....there is a strong chance it isn't this and we just need to watch her blood pressure...okay?" Brian looked in my eyes and I knew he was seeing if I was being truthful with him. I am. I leaned over and kissed him for reassurance. "It's going to be fine....I promise....I like Dr. Larsen...she seems really capable.." I added for good measure. Brian seemed a little more at ease as he began reading his book.

Both of us sat and read what we could find and then listened to the thunderstorm as we finished the last side of the Doors album. Brian got out of bed to turn off the record player and we got settled to try and sleep. I wasn't sure either of us would find peace tonight and the increasing violence with the thunder and lightning didn't help. Not long after the light was turned out the storm erupted and the room flashed with brightness and loud claps of thunder. A sudden boom was felt by us both as we laid side by side. It was followed by the sound of a knock on our bedroom door. I slid out of bed to answer and found Tiger Lily dragging a blanket behind her and sucking her thumb as she stood at the door with fear in her eyes.

"You scared of the storm baby girl?" I asked her as I squatted down in front of her. She nodded as she kept her thumb in her mouth. I reached for her and picked her up and carried her to bed. Brian smiled as I sat her down. He shuffled a pillow around to make room for her and we both laid back down with Tigs between us. I pulled the covers over us and she turned to face me. Brian got up behind her and spooned her for comfort. I laid and watched them both fall asleep as the storm slowly died out and my eyes grew heavy and I joined them.


	96. Come Let The New Child Play - Part 2

25th March 1977

Surrey

Brian's POV

It was the last thing on my mind last night and the first thing I thought of when I woke up. Clare! I wanted to know those test results! I needed to know what was going on and if she is okay. And if the baby is okay. I know Roger is feeling the same way. But we have to wait for the phone call. I laid in bed and looked over at Roger sleeping next to me. And Tiger Lily. They both looked so peaceful. Hopefully having good dreams right now. I got up quietly and used the toilet and returned to my family. I looked around our fancy bedroom and thought about how much things had changed in our lives in the past few years. It didn't seem that long ago that we were living over a shop with Freddie and just making ends meet. A used van for transport and our dreams still ahead of us. It never occurred to me that we would actually find ourselves living in the luxury of a two story home in Surrey of all places. With Roger's brand new Range Rover parked outside and sitting next to a second car and both were paid for. A swimming pool gracing our lawn and hired help for domestic matters. And a sizable bank account to cover it all. 

By most importantly was the fact that Roger and I are still together. We found a way. Despite growing fame and the ever more present press, we somehow have evaded being outed. And we have a real family. Not a traditional one, but it is ours. A beautiful healthy and happy daughter who makes everything she touches better. A caring sister, aunt and nanny in Clare. Who not only has devoted herself to her niece but bestowed a precious gift to us. And also kept our secret. God! Some days I truly feel like we don't deserve Clare. We owe her so much. How do you ever truly repay someone like her? I smiled as I remembered seeing her for the first time in months. When we returned home a few days ago and marveled at the size of her stomach. The size of the baby. Clare let me sit and lay my head against her tummy so I could hear the baby and feel everything they are up to right now. The baby is so active and seems to be thriving. And Clare looks so good despite some swelling in her calves and feet. She has that pregnancy glow they always talk about. But Clare has always had a glow about her. Just like Roger. A light that emanates from them and draws you to them. Roger's light certainly got me. I hoped that someday Clare will find someone worthy of her who treats her with kindness and respect and loves her as she should be loved. Like I love Rog. Someone nothing like their father.

There was a soft knock on our door. I got up and answered it; hoping it wouldn't wake the others. Winnie stood in her robe and smiled at me.

"Morning dear.....can I ask if Tiger Lily is in there?" I nodded and smiled at her. Winnie looked relieved.

"Yeah...she got frightened by the storm..." I explained in a whisper. "They're both still asleep..." 

"I'll be in the kitchen...." she told me and walked away. I was wide awake now and decided to get up. I crept back to the bathroom and got ready for the day. I left the room and went downstairs. Winnie was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.

"The coffee's still hot..." Winnie informed me as I walked over to grab a cup. "Want something for breakfast?" she asked me.

"I can make something in a bit...thanks though...." I told her. "I miss being able to do things like cook and such when we're on tour..." I explained to her. She sat the newspaper down.

"I suppose restaurant and hotel food grows old...." she remarked to me. I took a seat at the table.

"It does....when we were in Miami and had a few days off....I did some cooking...it was nice.." Winnie smiled at me.

"You certainly have a domestic side to you...." she told me in a complimentary tone. "You cook, know how to clean and are good with kids..." she added to her comment. "You're almost the perfect wife!" she teased and giggled at me. I laughed as well and enjoyed her kidding.

"Rog does make a good husband...so I guess we're a good pair!..." I said back. Winnie got a serious look on her face and reached over and took my hand in hers.

"Between you and me Brian....I always used to worry that if Roger got famous he would marry one of those horrid trashy girls that chase after pop stars and marry them only for their money and then she'd divorce him and take everything..." I knew the type she was referring to. Plenty of pop stars had married similar creatures. Winnie smiled deeply. "At first I was gob smacked that he was with you...but now I am so grateful....because you truly love him and want to be with him for all the right reasons..." she told me sincerely. I felt warm inside hearing this and squeezed her hand.

"I'm glad to hear that...especially since your next grandchild has me for a biological father..." I replied. We shared an amused grin.

"As strange as the arrangement is....there's no one I'd rather have than you dear...you're good people...." she told me sweetly. "And I know you're not in it for the money...." she added with a chuckle. 

"Nope!" I agreed. "I'm with him strictly for his looks!" I joked back. We both laughed and Winnie stood up and grabbed her cigarette case.

"I'm outside for a moment...." she told me and slipped out the back door. I sighed and smiled to myself. Glad that Winnie is so content with our situation. It gets difficult for her having to lie to friends and family about us. Knowing she genuinely likes me and approves of us makes it easier to bear. I decided that I wanted to fix something for everyone to enjoy and went to see what ingredients we had in the pantry. I found what I was looking for and got busy mixing some pancake batter. There were fresh berries in the refrigerator so I made a quick compote to pour over the finished pancakes. Winnie came back inside and helped me by setting up a lap tray. I made a plate for Clare and set it with a cup of tea and a small carafe of cream. I grabbed a napkin and fork and proceeded to head upstairs to surprise Clare with some breakfast in bed.

As I arrived at the top of the stairs I heard a door open and Roger came out carrying Tiger Lily. He saw the tray and I could tell he thought it was for him. Tiger Lily looked excited by it all.

"You brought me breakfast?" he asked me with a smile. "I can crawl back in bed..." I shook my head and turned towards Clare's door. "Oh! I see how it is now..." he said to me sarcastically. "I'm worthless to you since we're back home..." he teased. He walked over and kissed me good morning. Tigs leaned over and I kissed her as well.

"There's more pancake batter downstairs..." I informed him. I knocked on Clare's door as Roger and Tigs took off down the steps. 

"I'm awake...come on in..." I opened the door and walked in to see Clare sitting up with a huge grin on her face. "Those smell amazing!" she told me and reached out with her hands towards the tray as I approached. "God Bri! It's like you read my bloody mind!" she accepted the tray and took a sip of her tea. Fixed just how she likes it. She set her cup down with a pleased look and poured the cream over her pancakes and berries.

"I thought you might enjoy some breakfast in bed.." I told her nonchalantly. She gestured for me to lean down and kissed my cheek.

"I'm starving so you're timing is impeccable....thank you so much!" Alli walked into the room wearing her Robert Redford nightshirt and pajama bottoms and rubbing her eyes. They widened when she saw me standing there as Clare proceeded to take a large bite of food.

"I hope there's more of that! she remarked to me as she walked over and sat on the end of the bed.

"Downstairs...only Clare gets food in bed..." I informed her. She huffed at me in jest and I left the room to go make my family some more pancakes.

\----------------------------

We all ate the food I made and I got Roger to help me clean up to give the girls a break. He was drying the dishes when the telephone rang. We both looked at each other anxiously and he dropped the towel to go answer it.

"Hello..." he immediately looked at me with recognition in his face telling me it was the doctor's office calling.

"I need to get her on the phone...hang on please..." he answered and turned to press the intercom button for Clare's room. When we had the house decorated Trish suggested an intercom system be installed so we could contact each other in the different rooms in the house. I forgot we had it until Roger used it.

"Yes?" Clare answered Roger's notice to her.

"The doctor's office is calling....take the call in my room if you want..." he told her. 

"Give me a minute..." she answered. Roger looked nervous but tried to hide it from the others as he waited for Clare to pick up the line upstairs. I walked over to stand next to him. Winnie and Alli seemed oblivious to a degree and I wondered if Clare had even mentioned the tests she had to them. Roger soon shot me a look that told me she was picking up the phone.

"Can I stay on the line?" Roger asked Clare on the phone. Apparently she said yes as he kept listening. I watched Roger's face for any sign of trouble of relief. He listened intently and a smile broke out on his face which made me breath out a sigh. A minute later he hung up and got close to me. "Negative.." he said to me quietly. I was so relieved. "They also said they determined there was a problem with their blood pressure cuff and they need to redo her blood pressure reading..." I pressed my hand into his arm and we shared an expression of profound satisfaction that she is okay. It is possible her blood pressure may be better. "We need to take her back into town for a new reading.." Roger told me. I returned to the dishes and Roger went to get dressed.

\---Later that day---

"Come on back...they want you in room 2.." the receptionist told Clare as Roger and I took a seat in the waiting room. We were subjected to more stares and just ignored it this time. I began reading a woman's magazine but not 5 minutes later Clare came back out wearing a wide smile and stood at the reception desk signing some papers. She walked up to us and we stood up to leave.

"I take it that smile means your reading was good?" I asked her as we walked to the car. She beamed at us both.

"It was back down to the regular number...so I get to have a home birth if I want it....." she informed us. I know Roger isn't keen on that idea but it sounded like Clare had made her decision. "I'm calling the service when we get home...that is my choice..." I put my arm around Clare as we walked and hugged her to my side.

"I'm happy you got to choose...." 

We talked about the plans for the home birth the entire drive and stopped in the village for a few things before returning home. I put the items away while Clare informed Winnie and Alli about the birthing decision. She went to call the service when Roger came walking in with a document that came in the mail.

"What does this say?" he asked me and it was apparent he was trying to read the small print on the page and couldn't. I finally had my moment to corner him about an eye appointment.

"I will read it to you on one condition..." I told him. He looked at me like he already knew what the condition was.

"I'll call for an appointment after you read it..." he told me with resigned acceptance. I smiled and looked at the letter he had.

"Its says you need to have a physical exam for the life insurance we are getting..." I informed him with a smirk on my face. "How ironic!" I told him. He grabbed the letter from my hand and stormed off to call the eye doctor. I felt like a had a little victory as I turned back to my chores.

Roger's POV

I went to Brian's study and telephoned the eye doctor. I got an appointment for an exam in one week. It was around Clare's due date so I was hopeful I could cancel it when she had the baby and Brian would forget about it in the excitement of the arrival. I was looking through some photos when Clare leaned into the doorway of Brian's study.

"Can I talk to you Rog?" she asked me. I nodded and set down the pictures to give her my attention. She walked in the study and closed the door. I felt like it was serious and private.

"What is it?" I asked and wondered if my sister was starting to have misgivings about giving us the baby. I swallowed and tried to just listen. Clare stood in front of the desk with a serious expression on her face. She had her hands rested on her belly.

"I need to ask you for a favor...." she said to me. I felt a little relieved this was all it was. 

"Anything!" I told her confidently. I hoped it was something like wanting money or driving her somewhere. Something easy. Clare looked pleased to see my openness.

"I want to use Chrissie as my midwife..." she told me and looked like she was ready for me to explode. My immediate feeling about this was a giant No! But as soon as I thought that I remembered two things. Chrissie is happily engaged to Dr. Roberts and my sister wants her there. As much as I don't care for Chrissie, I had to be an adult about this. I had to do what my sister asks. And I also knew deep down that if Chrissie is the midwife, there won't be any issue with me being there with Brian and Clare for the birth. There won't be any questions about my involvement and we can be ourselves. The more I mulled it over, the more sense it actually made. I hated how much sense it made. For once I am going to be the selfless one and handle this the right way. I looked over at Clare who seemed to grow more anxious as I thought it over.

"I appreciate why you want to use her..." I answered. "And I promise I won't make an issue of it..." Clare's face lit up as I stood up and walked around the desk to hug her. She threw her arms around me and I held her as best I could. Her giant tummy made this quite a challenge these days.

"I love you so much Dodger! Thank you! Thank you!" she told me and peppered my face with kisses. I pulled her away and smiled at her. I did have one question.

"Does Brian already know?" I asked her. She smiled at me and patted my chest.

"I am asking you first!" she informed me. "I wasn't going to say anything to him if you told me no..." I felt like I came first on something and it had been a while since I had been there with Clare. There had been a sense of exclusivity between her and Brian since we started this journey and I made myself okay with it. But Clare asking me first told me how much I still matter. It was nice. 

"Thanks Bear....that means a lot that you asked.." I told her. I hugged her close.

Clare went up to her room and I went to get Brian so we could tell him. He seemed nervous when I said Clare wanted a word with us in private. We arrived at her room and I closed her door behind us. Clare had got comfortable in her arm chair so we both took a seat on her bed.

"I called and made the arrangements for the midwife service..." Clare began and gestured towards a packet on her dresser. I got up and retrieved it and handed it to Brian. "Brian...I already checked with Rog and we've decided that we are going to have Chrissie be my midwife..." I watched as Brian first looked confused and then surprised. He looked at me intently.

"You're okay with this?" he asked me seriously. I nodded to him and smiled warmly.

"I am....it just makes the best sense for our situation...she knows us...." I answered. I slipped my hand in Brian's to prove my comfort with it. "If it's her...I can be there for everything without any questions..." Brian seemed to absorb my answer and leaned over and kissed me gently.

"I love you...." he told me sweetly and then looked over at Clare. "Chrissie will do a great job...she's the best nurse..." he said enthusiastically. I had to give her credit for that much. Chrissie had proven she was a capable caregiver. I hoped it translated to midwifery.

"Now that it's all settled...." Clare told us with a smile as she rubbed her stomach. "Chrissie will be coming over tomorrow to get everything prepared....and then she will be waiting for our call..." I realized that the baby could actually be here at any time. I felt some butterflies in my stomach and watched as Brian beamed with happiness. I had to admit that I was starting to feel a bigger amount of that happiness myself.

26th March 1977

When she knocked on the door we had just finished our lunch and the maid was cleaning the downstairs area. I had told everyone I would answer the door so I went and opened it. Chrissie stood there in her uniform and and coat. She looked professional and prepared as she clutched a large case and had her hair pulled back in her requisite bun. Chrissie seemed a little startled to see me answering the door. I immediately stepped outside as I wanted to speak to her. She was alarmed at my action but I put my hands up in a neutral gesture.

"Chrissie...I just want to say something to you in private..." I began and I could see the discomfort in her posture and expression. I smiled at her. "First off....I come in peace!" I told her. She seemed to exhale a little and drew a small smile on her face. "I wanted to tell you that I am okay with you being here and I agree you are probably the best candidate for the job..." The relief on her face was palpable.

"I'm glad to hear it Roger....I am here in a professional capacity.." she reminded me. 

"I know...but I wanted you to know that I won't give you any grief..." I assured her. We shared a warm smile and she hitched up her case in her hand.

"Let's get on with it...shall we?" she asked with a friendly tone. I nodded and opened the door up to let us both in.

Chrissie was introduced to my mother and Alli and her and Brian shared a warm embrace. I ignored the jealousy raging in my brain and smiled as we began to give Chrissie a tour of the house. We moved it upstairs and I carried her case as Brian went to get a box from her car. Chrissie told us about getting her operator's license since they were provided cars with the midwife service she works for. I was impressed that she went that far for her work. Brian brought the box up to Clare's room and Chrissie began pulling out some supplies for the birth. She asked Brian to put some waterproof liners on the bed for Clare's mattress and went over how a home birth took place. I listened and was impressed with Chrissie's precise and detailed information. It was clear she is passionate about her work. It helped me relax a bit more about the situation. She explained the equipment she would bring when Clare went into labor. After walking us through the steps she placed a card by each telephone in the house that contained the phone number and information to reach her or the service. Brian walked her to the door as I got Tiger Lily up from her nap. We all resumed our normal activities and started the waiting game.

Everyone had turned in for the night and Brian was watching a documentary. I was headed outside for a quick smoke when the telephone rang. I wished I could smoke in the house as I answered it in the kitchen.

"Hello..."

"Roger dear....long time no hear...." It was Freddie and he was being cheeky.

"Are those new song lyrics? " I asked him in jest. He groaned into the telephone as I chuckled at him.

"Ha Ha!" he told me. "I was calling to see when that baby is going to arrive.." he asked me in a whiny voice. 

"Can't wait to see it huh?" I asked him and it felt nice that he cared. 

"To be completely honest...I am calling to make sure you don't forget about Top of The Pops tomorrow..." he reminded me.

"We haven't forgot..." I answered and leaned against the kitchen wall. "And no baby yet...nothing to report..." 

"She can have it anytime after we finish tomorrow...but of course she needs to have it before our next tour date..." I laughed in the phone.

"I am pretty sure she will have it sorted before May Freddie!" I assured him. "Her due date is early next week..." I reminded him. 

"So keep her legs crossed tomorrow then and I will see you at 4!" he told me and hung up the phone.

I stepped out and had my cigarette and then went to the living room to regale Brian with the details of my conversation with Freddie. Brian was laying on our new extra long velvet couch. Trish had found a couch that Brian could stretch out on when she shopped for new furniture to decorate for us. It was nice to see him so relaxed as he watched some show about the history of aviation. He was on his side and watching the screen as I walked in and knelt down near his face.

"Who was on the phone?" he asked me as he stared at the screen.

"Freddie...calling to see if the baby was here yet and to remind us about tomorrow..." I told him and ran my hand over his long leg.

"Top of The Pops..." Brian said out loud without taking his eyes from the screen. I glanced over to see what was so interesting. They were discussing the designs of Leonardo Da Vinci relating to flying. 

"Yeah....we're recording tomorrow at 4...." I repeated to him. Brian shuffled back on the couch and patted the space in front of him. I turned and moved to lay down in front of him and watch the show with him. I laid out flat on my side and rolled back into Brian as he wrapped an arm around me. It was a deep couch and it was comfortable and warm like this.

"What do you think of the name Leo?" he suddenly asked me. I smiled to myself as I realized every name he saw on the telly, in a book, overheard, etc.. he considered it as a possible baby name.

"I like Da Vinci better..." I told him cheekily. Brian swatted at me but smiled at my teasing. We kept watching the documentary and for the first time in a while I felt like fooling around with my husband. As he watched the show I slowly turned my body around on the couch to face him. He noticed my actions but didn't respond. He kept hold of me as I rolled into him and kissed his face softly. I started with his chin and then moved my lips over to each cheek. Brian continued peering at the television as I moved my mouth over to his and pressed down a firm kiss. He kept trying to see the screen as he half opened his mouth to respond to me and I felt him press his fingers into my back as I licked into his mouth. I cupped his face with my hands and began exploring his mouth before he finally moved his eyes to me and then closed them as he kissed me back and pulled me towards him. We began a full on snog and he forgot about the program as we turned our bodies on the sofa and he pushed me down on my back. Brian laid himself on top of me and I felt like a naughty teenager as he ran his hand up under my shirt and kissed me deeply. I had the strong beginnings of an erection and so did Brian. We both began grinding into each other and moaning. I ran my hands from his back down onto his bottom and squeezed as we traded tongue play and grinned at each other as we stopped to breathe. 

Brian stopped after several minutes and hovered over me with a deep smile on his face. He looked so warm and content as he ran a hand over my face to move my hair away. "Want to continue this upstairs?" he asked me in a deep voice as he gazed at me. "Once the baby is here who knows when we'll get a moment..." He is right. We were close to having some sleepless nights ahead of us.

"Alright.." I told him in a sultry voice and he leaned down and kissed me quickly before he climbed off me and the couch and stood up. He held out his hand and I used it to pull myself up. Brian walked over and turned off the tv and and I got the light as we walked to the stairs. We went upstairs in silence but in anticipation. When we arrived at the top of the stairs Brian grabbed me and picked me up facing him as he carried me and kissed me as we walked into our room.

"Thank you Rog..." he told me as he closed the door with his foot. I smiled at him as I held onto him with my arms around his neck and my legs wrapped around his waist.

"You haven't even fucked me yet..." I reminded him in teasing voice. Brian looked at me with adoration in his eyes.

"No...thank you for everything....for being with me....for loving me...thank you.." he said sincerely. 

"Forever Bri....forever..." I told him and kissed him like I meant it.


	97. Come Let The New Child Play - Part 3

27th March 1977

Surrey / London

Brian's POV

"You awake?" Roger asked me as I laid buried in blankets and half asleep. I opened my eyes and found him looking down at me. How did he manage to look so good in the morning? I will never understand. Despite his hair being disheveled, his face was fresh and beautiful. I smiled at the sight of him and remembered how much fun we had last night. I rolled over and Roger lifted the covers to climb on top of me. I let him and savored the feel of his warm body against mine.

"Mmmm.." I breathed out and he leaned down to kiss me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me as he straddled my thighs and laid right on top of me. We were both still naked and morning erections were evident between our stomachs. But we ignored it and just held each other and kissed lightly.

"I've got that hair appointment soon..." he told me as we enjoyed our intimacy. I know we have a busy afternoon and should probably get around. I glanced at the clock. It was 11 am. We had slept in! Considering how busy we were late into the night it didn't seem like that long though. There was a knock on our bedroom door and Roger and I sighed as he climbed off me and reached for a robe. He walked to the door. "Who is it?" he asked as he reached it.

"It's Alli....are you decent?" she asked him and Roger turned around and flashed me quickly before he closed his robe. I laughed at him as he opened the door. I pulled the blanket up over me to hide the fact I am naked.

"Hey Alli..." he told her and stood in a posture that hid his semi-erection. 

"You're in London today...right?" she asked him. Roger nodded to her.

"Yeah...we've got a television performance to record..." she looked excited at the prospect.

"Oh! Which show?" 

"Top of the Pops..." Alli's face lit up at the news.

"I would love to see you perform! That must be so exciting!" she told him enthusiastically.

"Actually...it's not!" Roger replied and Alli's eyes grew curious. "We have to mime to our record so it's mostly crap!" She appeared disappointed.

"So you mean all those pop stars are miming?" she asked in disbelief.

"They are!" Roger confessed to her. "Of course...some of them probably need to..." I giggled at his cutting remark about the poor quality of some people's live performances. "Why did you want to know if we were going into town?" Roger asked her. She seemed to have forgotten her purpose in knocking.

"Oh yeah!" she responded and had a goofy expression. "Clare wanted me to ask as she is dying for some chinese takeaway..." I know how much Clare likes that food and with no takeaway in the nearby village she doesn't get the food as often. We should have offered it to her as soon as we got home from the tour. I felt bad for not thinking of it.

"We'll pick up some on our way home.." I answered and Roger opened the door more so Alli could hear me. Alli caught sight of me in bed and went pink. She grinned and seemed embarrassed as she put her hand over her mouth.

"What?" Roger asked her and looked like he was enjoying her moment of agony. I had a feeling I knew what it was.

"I just forget....you know...that you share a bed..." she told him awkwardly. I feared for a moment what Roger might do to shock her. He turned and winked at me and returned his gaze to her.

"Alli....there's no reason to be embarrassed..." he replied in a soft voice. "It's not like we're naked or anything..." he added. I fought the urge to laugh since we are in fact naked. Alli's face went red and she disappeared from the doorway.

\---Two Hours Later---

"Bri...get your camera and get up here..." Clare informed me when I answered the intercom in my study. I wasn't sure what she wanted a picture of but would comply. 

"On my way.." I told her. I reached for the camera I kept loaded with film and headed up the private stairs. I came out on the second floor and walked down the hallway to Tiger Lily's room. The door was open and I could hear music playing. I walked into the room to see Clare sitting at Tiger Lily's little table and chair set and Clare had her loose fitting blouse pulled up and was baring her giant baby belly. Tiger Lily was sitting next to her and had her tiny hands pressed flat on Clare's stomach. Alli was using a marker to outline her little handprints. Clare was giggling and seemed ticklish from the marker. She looked up at me with the most joyous smile and by chance I was able to catch a photo of her in that moment. A broad smile broke out on my face at witnessing such a sweet and tender sight. Alli finished the handprint outline and Tiger Lily shouted at me.

"Baby!" Tiger Lily told me as she patted Clare's stomach. Tigs looked so elated as she kept hold of Clare's stomach. I got a few more photos.

"Yes...it's the baby...and they will be here soon poppet!" I told her as I walked over and pulled out one of the little chairs. I sat my camera on the table and struggled to bend my long legs down enough to take a seat. As I tried to lower myself on the chair my feet came out from under me and I landed on my bottom and the chair tumbled away from me. The girls burst into fits of laughter and I groaned from a low ache that remained from my stage injury. I tried to right myself and sit on the floor crossed legged. Before I could sit all the way up Tiger Lily dashed from her chair and ran full stop at me and threw herself at my chest. She knocked me back and almost knocked the wind out of me as she climbed onto my torso squealing with laughter. For a moment she reminded me of Roger.

"Why did you think you would fit on that chair?" Clare told me with disbelief in between her fits of laughter. She held her stomach and was practically crying. Her face was red. "Oh! I've got to pee or I'll piss myself!" Clare announced as she tried to stop laughing and stand up from the little chair. Alli helped her up and they were both still having giggles. Clare began walking to the door and then stopped. She made a funny sound and then her face looked surprised.

"Did you piss yourself?" Alli asked her and looked like she was going to start laughing all over again. I felt bad that Clare had an accident. I know at this point her bladder is compromised by the baby so it doesn't take much.

"Yes...or my just water broke!" Clare told her and then looked over at me with a wink. For a moment my heart started pounding and then I realized Clare was joking. Clare waddled from the room with Alli behind her and they were both still chuckling. I sighed in relief as Tiger Lily remained contentedly seated on my chest. She had straddled my chest with her squat legs and was looking down at me as I laid on the floor. She leaned down and gave me a wet kiss on my chin and then giggled at me.

"Are you ready for the baby?" I asked her as she smiled down at me. She nodded and patted my chest.

"Baby...want baby!" I smiled at her and put my hands on her waist to lift her off of me. We both got up from the floor and I took her hand and we walked to the baby's room. I opened the door and we went inside to look around.

"Let's go look at the baby's room..." I told Tigs and let her hand go so she could move about the room and check everything out. I was so happy with our final choice on the room decor. At first we had decided just to have the room painted white and use just yellow and green as the colors since they are neutral. But after I came across the Peter Rabbit book at the baby shop in Montreal, Roger and I both agreed we liked the illustrations and he called Trish to see what she could come up with for a Peter Rabbit themed nursery. When we got home we were pleasantly surprised.

The walls had been changed to an eggshell color and Trish had found Peter Rabbit themed bedding and decor. It was soft and neutral and felt like a warm place for a baby to live in. Despite the hefty price tag for our spontaneous decision, Roger and I both loved it. Something we both agreed on and the girls really liked our choice. Our mothers almost cried when they first saw it. They were afraid we would have a room full of brown and dark colors. So everyone was happy. Tiger Lily looked over all the furniture and toys and crawled up into the stuffed chair. 

"Soon you will have a baby brother or sister.." I told her as she sat in the chair and gazed around the room. She reached her arms up towards me so I picked her up. I walked over and started playing the little music box on the dresser. 

"I'm back..." Roger told me as he walked into the room. I turned to see him and was shocked by his appearance. He had cut some length from his hair. He looked so different. He looked so good.

"You cut your hair!" I told him with a smitten grin on my face. He almost looked bashful as he walked up to me. I reached out and touched his feathery layered hair. Still silky soft and lovely.

"I didn't cut it that much..." he told me and seemed almost shy about it. I leaned over and kissed him and he smiled at me.

"It's lovely.." I told him sweetly.

"Papa... you pretty..." Tiger Lily told him. She shifted in my arms and reached for Roger. I handed her over to him as he took her and made a winded sound.

"Oof! You're getting so big.." he told her but smiled sweetly at her. She kissed his nose and he laughed.

"We probably need to get going..." I remarked as I checked my watch. We walked out of the room and I closed the door. I smiled as I felt like this room would soon see its purpose.

\---Later that day---

'I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things  
We can do the tango just for two  
I can serenade and gently play on your heart strings  
Be your Valentino just for you   
Ooh love ooh loverboy  
What're you doin' tonight, hey boy  
Set my alarm, turn on my charm  
That's because I'm a good old-fashioned lover boy'

We were recording our performance of 'Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy' for Top of The Pops and weren't half bothered with wardrobe and such today. Yes, Dane brought our stage costumes for us to pick from but I kept on my blue button up shirt and just threw on my white jacket and kept it undone. Freddie pulled on his boiler suit and Roger grabbed his white shirt and trousers. Even Deacy kept most of his street clothes on. None of us were thrilled with Top of The Pops these days. We had to mostly mime our record and the energy often went out of our performance as a result. Plus we are tired from touring and just wanted to get it over with.

We took our places and began recording. Freddie did camp it up as he performed. It was easy enough to do on this number. It had that vaudeville feel to it and was quite fun to play. Roger took over the part Mike Stone sang on the recording and we began to run through the song. Freddie got through the first verse and stood up to sing and walked my way. 

Freddie got close to me and I tried to ramp up my performance a bit. He leaned in so we could sing together but then he looked down at my feet.

"Stop!" Freddie shouted. Everyone ceased playing and the sound man stopped the playback. Freddie stood and gawked at me. "Where the hell are your shoes?" he asked me and pointed at my socked feet. I realized I had forgot to put my clogs back on before we walked to the stage. 

"I forgot them..." I mumbled in mild embarrassment. Deacy started laughing and Roger just rolled his eyes at me. Freddie had the beginnings of irritation on his face but then waived his hand in the air. 

"Fuck it! Start the tape over!" he yelled. I gave him a sheepish grin as he walked back to the piano and took a seat. We got through one taping and then the cameras needed to film close ups. We got back in starting positions and they began the playback for us. We each had a camera focused right on us. I felt a little self conscious as I did my solo and they filmed my hands and face as I played. When they finished my part I glanced over and saw how handsome Roger looked and wondered what the fans would say about his hair when this aired. There was a lot of gold in the set decoration and it warmed his skin and made him glow in the lights. His white clothes added a romantic quality as well. He looked soft and kissably sweet.

'Ooh love, (there he goes again just like a good old-fashioned lover boy)  
Ooh loverboy  
What're you doin' tonight, hey boy  
Everything's all right  
Just hold on tight  
That's because I'm a good old-fashioned fashioned lover boy'   
'Ooh love, (there he goes again just like a good old-fashioned lover boy)  
Ooh loverboy  
What're you doin' tonight, hey boy  
Everything's all right  
Just hold on tight  
That's because I'm a good old-fashioned fashioned lover boy'

"And cut!" the director shouted. We all ceased playing and sighed in relief. For good measure Roger struck his cymbals to show they weren't taped up to dull the sound like they had been on past appearances. We all chuckled at his gesture. He stood up from his kit and Crystal hovered nearby.

"Is that it?" Roger asked the director. He nodded and Roger gestured for Crystal to start tearing down his kit. He hopped from the riser and walked over as we all went to have some promotional photos taken.

"Your hair does look really good Rog..." Freddie remarked to him as the photographer positioned us against the backdrop. Roger smiled at Freddie's compliment.

"Thanks..." he told him. Freddie glanced at me and nudged Roger.

"You should have taken the poodle with you for a trim..." he commented. I shot Freddie a look of annoyance. Roger laughed at Freddie. 

"When was the last time you had a haircut?" Deacy asked me as the photographer finished and we walked to the dressing room. I know my hair is really long these days. The longest its ever been. I shrugged. I honestly couldn't remember my last trim.

"Don't recall...." I replied. Freddie bolted into the dressing room and whispered something to Dane. Dane nodded agreement to whatever he told him and went to his large vanity case. I went over to hang up my white dress coat and saw Dane pull out a pair of hair scissors. He started walking towards me with Freddie right behind him. "Oh no you don't!" I shouted at them and began to head for the doorway. A production assistant came in to the room and I stopped quickly to prevent running into them.

"You're Brian...right?" he asked me. I nodded and kept an eye on Dane. He and Freddie stood in the middle of the room chuckling. Deacy and Roger were as well. 

"Yes..that's me.." I informed him. He pointed to the wall behind him in the hallway.

"Telephone..line 3..." he replied and walked out of the room. I went to answer it and wondered if it was Clare. I stepped out and pressed the button marked 3 as I lifted the receiver.

"Hello.."

"Hey Bri...it's me.." it was Clare. I instantly felt butterflies form in my stomach. She sounded calm and relaxed so I tried to just keep cool.

"Hey Clare...what's up?" I said casually. 

"I wanted to remind you to get some extra egg rolls..." she told me. My butterflies disappeared as I smiled and felt a little let down. I secretly hoped she was going to tell me it was time.

"I won't forget....was there anything else you wanted besides your usual order?" I asked her.

"Don't let Roger order the chicken dumplings...it's the pork ones that I like.." I remembered how cross she was with Roger last time he got the chicken.

"Got it!" I replied. "We've just finished so we should be heading out shortly..." I saw Deacy coming out of the room and he patted my arm and waved goodbye to me. I waved back.

"There is one more thing..." she remarked. I was watching Roger and Freddie laughing about something inside the dressing room and was a little distracted.

"Yeah?" I told her so she knew I was listening. Freddie slapped Roger's arm and they threw back their heads in a fit of laughter.

"Promise me you'll remain calm...but...I think I might be in labor..." My heart rate shot up and those butterflies returned and burst in my stomach. I refused to act like one of those men you saw in comedies. I took a deep breath and leaned against the wall for support.

"Are you having contractions?" I asked her and tried to avoid my voice going up two octaves. 

"I am....they are really different from those Braxton Hicks ones..." she replied in an even tone. "I didn't want to say anything to distract you earlier today...cause I know you had to do your appearance....but they started this morning......" I didn't know whether to thank her or throttle her when she said this. Why didn't she say something? As I thought about it I understood her motivations. It was a practical decision. 

"That's okay....let's just deal with right now..." I told her and swallowed hard. "Maybe we should skip the Chinese and we should come home..." I suggested to her as I tried to get Roger's attention. He and Freddie walked out of my view.

"Don't you dare!" Clare said back with a hint of forcefulness. "I can eat until I am in hard labor so you better get going and bring me my food!" I felt like this wasn't a suggestion.

"Understood...let me call the order in so it will be ready when we get there..." I replied and felt growing excitement. "Go relax and we will be there as soon as possible..." Clare sighed in the phone.

"Just don't forget my egg rolls..." she told me. "And Brian..." she added. "I am excited...and I know you are too...but promise me you'll keep your head and don't let Roger drive like a maniac...." I smiled at her request. She knows us both too well.

"I promise Clare....pork dumplings....extra egg rolls and we will both keep our cool..." I had to say this because it really mattered to me. "I love you Clare....see you soon..." 

"I love you too Brian.." I hung up the phone and exhaled but my insides quaked with anticipation and utter delight. I walked back into the dressing room and went straight for my bag to fish out the phone number for the Chinese takeaway.

"Roger!" I yelled and he almost jumped at the volume of my voice and the urgency in my tone. "Get a move on!" I announced as I hurried back to the telephone. He followed me with a look of curiosity on his face. 

"Was that Clare?" he asked me with a mix of hope and worry. I smiled and nodded as I dialed the phone number for the takeaway in my notebook. 

"Yes...she's probably in labor but we can't come home without her food.." I told him with a hint of humor and excitement. Roger's face lit with and he grinned at me.

"Don't forget the chicken dumplings!" Roger told me and dashed back into the dressing room to change.

"It's pork.. you idiot!" 

\-----------------------

"Well at least she kept her legs crossed until we finished..." Freddie remarked snidely as we all walked to the parking lot at the television studio. Freddie's car was waiting and he smiled at us both. "Best of luck boys...I hope it doesn't take forever..." he told us sincerely. "Call me when the baby is here...and tell Clare I'm thinking of her..." Freddie blew us a kiss as he slipped in the car and took off for Kensington. Roger and I got in his Range Rover and he started it up.

"It's 15 minutes to get the food and about 25 minutes to get home....a total of 30 if I rush.." he informed me as he pulled out of his parking spot. I shook my head.

"Clare made me promise not to let you drive like a maniac..." Roger dropped his mouth open and looked irritated. "Her words...not mine!" I told him. He snickered and pulled into the street and headed towards our old neighborhood.

"So are you ready?" Roger asked me with a wide grin as he shifted gears and kept an eye on the road. I reached over and put my hand on his leg to ground me. I was trying to stay focused on the ride and the food for now. 

"Of course I am....I plan to stay calm Rog....I promised Clare I would keep my head..." Roger didn't seem confident in my answer.

"Sure....I'll believe it when I see it..." he told me. I decided to turn the tables on him.

"Are you ready?" I asked him. Roger kept watch on the road and looked serious.

"In all honesty Bri....it hasn't felt real to me yet...I know it was my idea how to get her pregnant and I've loved all the talks we've had about it and the names and the nursery stuff....but until it's here...it just doesn't seem real...." he confessed to me. I could appreciate him needing to hold the baby for it to feel that way.

"Maybe because you missed out on all this with Tiger Lily it hasn't sunk in...when she came into our lives...she was 8 months old...we missed so much..." Roger seemed to understand my point.

"Maybe.." he said and appeared thoughtful as he navigated his way to Fulham. His expression changed and he seemed to lighten up. "It doesn't matter.....the baby is on it's way..." We shared an excited expression and carried on to get the food and get home.

I put on the radio to distract us and we were soon picking up the food. I checked the order before leaving the takeaway and we got on the motorway towards home. Roger only sped a little and remained focused on getting us there safely. I didn't say a word about his driving. Clare would get a glowing report. He soon had us on the country road to the house and we were both pleased to find Chrissie's car already parked on the gravel drive.

"If Chrissie's here...that's a good sign.." I told Roger as he parked the car and we grabbed the food and hurried to get inside. We walked into the kitchen to find everyone seated at the table. There were plates and drinks laid out and Clare smiled widely as we came in.

"About time!" she said to us with a mix of annoyance and humor. I dropped the food on the table and went to her side. She was seated in a chair but had a bed pillow under her and behind her for comfort. She looked completely relaxed and I was a little surprised. Chrissie walked in drying her hands.

"Oh good! She can still eat..." Chrissie told us with a smile. Winnie started opening the containers and Roger came over to the other side of Clare's chair.

"How are you Bear?" he asked her sweetly. Clare looked at him lovingly.

"I'm doing fine right now....I am going to enjoy my dinner....thanks for bringing it.." Roger kissed her cheek and we both stood up. I pulled a chair out for Chrissie and was glad we ordered a lot of food.

"Let's all have some food and take it from here..." I told Chrissie. She smiled and sat down and we all began dinner. As the food got sorted on plates and everyone began eating Clare suddenly moaned and held her stomach. My own stomach knotted a bit at the sound and seeing her face tense up. I wanted to get up and see to her. I sat my fork down and began to shift in my chair. Clare saw me and raised up her hand in the air to stop me.

"Alright! Here are the rules everybody!" Clare announced as she rubbed her stomach. She glanced at Chrissie and they smiled at each other. "Number one - no one is allowed to fuss over me, freak out, panic or come unglued!" 

"We all know who that rule is for!" Roger remarked as he looked right at me with a smirk. I was offended and picked up a wooden chopstick and threw it at him. He caught it as he laughed and Chrissie looked shocked at my behavior. Clare and the others began giggling.

"Brian!" Chrissie said with a tone of disbelief. I pointed at Roger.

"Well.. he started it!" I protested. 

"Rule number two!" Clare suddenly interjected. "Once I got upstairs only Chrissie, Alli and Mum are allowed in my room until the baby is here..." I know that meant Roger and I were to keep out while she had her hard labor and delivery. I understood why we weren't invited. I nodded agreement and so did Roger.

"Rule number three!" she added. "I need you two to look after Tiger Lily until further notice..." Clare informed Roger and myself. "I need Mum and Alli free to help Chrissie right now and to help me..." 

"Understood.." I told her with a warm smile. Clare gave me a look of confidence and resumed eating her food. 

'Having my baby....What a lovely way of saying how much you love me..'

Roger began singing that dreadful song that was a hit a few years back and I groaned at the sound of it. Before I could tell him to stop Clare flung an egg roll at him. It hit him in the face.

"Rule number four!" she shouted at him with annoyance. "No singing that bloody awful song!" she chided him. We all broke up laughing and even Chrissie joined in this time.

"My goodness!" Chrissie remarked as we all tried to calm down. She had her hand at her throat. "You are a lively bunch!" 

"We'll see how lively they are at 4 in the morning..." Winnie remarked as she stood up and walked over to Roger. "Behave yourself!" she told him sternly and swatted his head. We all snickered at her admonishment of him.

"Bad Papa!" Tiger Lily said in a stern tone and pointed at him and we all lost it all over again.

We finished our meal and I kept a clandestine eye on Clare. As a goodwill gesture to his sister and mother, Roger went around the table and gathered up the dirty dishes as I took over caring for Tiger Lily. Clare got up from her chair with Chrissie and Alli's help. When she began having another contraction I noted the time and saw they were about 30 minutes apart. She managed it well. Winnie stepped out for a smoke and Roger joined her. I got Tigs cleaned up from eating and picked her up to follow the women as they left the kitchen. They began to ascend the stairs.

"Do you need my help?" I asked without thinking. Chrissie turned to me with a amused look on her face.

"Women have been having babies since the dawn of man Brian...I think we can manage.." I felt the sting of her barb and nodded agreement.

"Sorry...you're right.." I replied and they proceeded up the stairs carrying my baby and my ego with them. I was at a loss on what to do to pass the time. Tigs and I went to watch some television. I thought about taking her to her room but was afraid the others would think I am trying to spy. Her room is across from Clare's. I put on a program I thought was suitable for the baby and sat next to her on the couch. My mind quickly drifted to wondering how things were progressing upstairs. I had not considered what I would do while we waited. I always skipped to the part where the baby was already here. I sighed and ran my hand through Tiger Lily's hair and tried to focus on the show. This could take a long time. I remembered reading about how long the labor process could last. Sometimes days!

"What are you watching?" Roger asked as he came and took a seat beside us. I shrugged. I hadn't really paid attention to the show. I glanced at the tv and heard canned laughter.

"Some comedy...I think.." Roger got up to change the channel. Tigs crawled off the couch to stand next to him. 

"Tv show papa!" Roger went through the different stations and settled on a movie. We three got situated and began watching. The film was kind of quiet and I realized we couldn't hear anything going on upstairs. I guess that is the beauty of luxury living. Soundproofing! Neither of us were really watching. Tigs laid down in Roger's lap and soon feel asleep.

"Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?" Roger asked me as he laid a blanket over our daughter. I shrugged.

"I can't pay attention to this movie so I don't know how I am going to be able to fall asleep. I can't stop thinking about the baby..." I replied honestly. Roger gently pulled himself out from under Tigs and stood up. 

"I'll be right back.." he told me. I tried to watch the show and then he returned a few minutes later and handed me a glass of wine. "I'm going to put Tigs to bed...drink this...at least it will relax you..." I figured it wouldn't hurt. I smiled gratefully and took the glass and had a sip. 

\---Five hours later---

"Brian...wake up!" Winnie was shaking my shoulder and I stirred and felt panicked as I opened my eyes.

"Is the baby here?" I asked her immediately. She just smiled at me. Roger was already getting up to switch off the tv.

"Boys....Clare would like to see you..." she told us calmly. I jumped up and felt a surge of adrenaline as we both followed Winnie up the stairs. 

"Has she had the baby?" I asked her in an excited tone and wanted to run up the steps.

"Not yet...she wants to see you first..." For some reason I filled with a sense of dread. Was something wrong? Had Clare changed her mind about giving us the baby? I felt a huge knot form in my stomach.

"What is it?" Roger asked her with concern in his voice. I was glad he asked because at this point I couldn't speak.

"I'll let Clare tell you..." was Winnie's vague response. It confirmed the bad feeling inside me. Roger looked my way with a furrowed brow and worry in his eyes. I didn't like this at all. We reached the door and I could hear soft music. Winnie knocked and then opened the door. The room had low lighting and a record was on the turntable. Clare was laying in bed and propped up by some pillows. Her lower half was covered with a white sheet and she had on one of her oversized Queen t-shirts. Her hair was in a pony tail and her face was sweaty and red. Alli was changing the record as we walked in. 

"You wanted to see us?" I asked her and Roger took my hand as we waited to hear what she had to say. I know we both feared the worst. Clare just smiled and held out her arms to us.

"I changed my mind..." she said to us and my heart felt like it would smash into a million pieces. I thought she had changed her mind about giving us the baby.

"I decided I want you to be here when the baby comes into the world...."

"Oh!" 

To be continued....


	98. Come Let The New Child Play - Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is ready to have a baby???

28th March 1977

Surrey

Roger's POV

I know I said that this whole baby thing just didn't seem real to me yet. Standing in the doorway of my sister's room and seeing her in the throes of labor brought it home to me. Shit! We are really doing this! We are having a baby today!

"She's in hard labor and ready to push.." Chrissie told us as Brian and I stood spellbound. "Get a move on and go stand by her shoulders....the both of you!" she ordered. Before we could decline her offer we were being shepherded to either side of my sister. Brian and I stood facing each other across the bed and above Clare's head. She was supported by several pillows so she wasn't quite laying flat on her back. Her hair was damp and flat against her forehead. There was a sheen of sweat on her face and her cheeks were red from her endeavors over the last several hours. 

"I want you to be here....I want to you to see your baby when it's born.." Clare told us again. I couldn't believe my sister's conviction in including us in this moment. Brian took Clare's hand and smiled at her and then looked up at me.

"We are here...and we will be here for you as well.." Brian told her in such a calm confident voice. I was surprised at how even keeled he seemed right now. He was really keeping it together and I felt like I was going to fall apart. My sister suddenly grabbed for my hand and squeezed it. I took hold and used my other hand to wipe the matted hair from her forehead. I wanted to feel useful to her right now.

"We're here Bear....for whatever you need..." I told her. Clare's face scrunched up and she closed her eyes as she experienced a hard contraction. I could see her body tense from the involuntary reaction. Chrissie stood focused at my sister's feet and lifted up the sheet that covered her lower half. 

"Take some breaths Clare....I'm just checking to see where you are at...." Chrissie had put on a white surgical gown and had her equipment neatly laid out on a small table. Alli walked back into the room carrying several towels and washcloths. My mother stood a few feet away and came up and stood closer to me and rubbed Clare's bent knee. 

"You're doing well dear...really well.." my mother told her encouragingly. There was pride in my mother's expression as she caressed Clare's leg. I shifted my gaze back on my sister. Her face had softened and she blew out a heavy breath. Brian had moved his free hand to Clare's shoulder. He was completely honed in on her right now. I tried to do the same and moved a hand to her other shoulder. Offering what little comfort I can. 

"Ohhhh...that one really hurt!" Clare told us in a strained voice. Alli came over and had a damp washcloth. Brian took it from her and began gently wiping Clare's face. She looked up at him and showed some relief. 

"Thanks Bri.." she told him and let out another breath. Chrissie finished examining her. 

"I hope you boys don't mind...but we need to move this sheet away and you'll just have to deal with it..." she remarked. I knew she meant we might see things we would prefer not to but right now I knew our focus was on supporting Clare. Being here as she asked. I wasn't going to let any discomfort about her body get in my way. I knew Brian wouldn't either. I kept my eyes trained on my sister's face and so did Brian. Chrissie pulled the sheet off and laid it to the side. Alli took up a spot opposite my mother and they both began rubbing Clare's knees. 

"I can really feel the pressure..." Clare said out loud and gasped a little as Chrissie checked her again.

"Okay....everything looks good..so Clare...it's time to have you start pushing.." Chrissie told her in a calm and soothing voice. My sister nodded understanding and I could see her steeling herself to make the effort. I tightened my grip on her hand. "Ladies...if you could help her out..." Chrissie remarked and I saw my mother place her hand under the bend of Clare's knee and then Alli did the same. They both supported her legs as Clare lifted herself up a bit to push. Brian and I shared a quick glance and he bit his bottom lip as Clare leaned forward and made a grunting sound. Her face was so serious. It was un-nerving and little humbling to see her strength. She finished her push and let out a loud gasp and then expelled her breath.

"Mmmm..." she moaned deeply as she relaxed and kept breathing heavily. A few breaths turned into short little pants. Some beads of perspiration already were evident on her face again.

"That's it Clare! Great job!" Chrissie told her with warmth and a bright smile. She checked Clare's progress and patted her calf. "I can see the beginning of the crowning...." she remarked. I knew that meant the head was getting close to coming out and felt a rush of excitement I hadn't had yet. A feeling that soon we would soon see the baby. That it would really be here. Shit!

"You are doing so well Clare!" Brian told her as he ran the damp cloth over her forehead. I admired Brian finding the right words to say. For some reason I felt speechless about what is happening right now. I looked into my sister's eyes when they opened and for a moment we locked gazes. All I saw there was her strength, her will and her heart. I remembered how selfless she is and so generous in the gift she is giving us. My throat tightened with emotion and before I knew it a tear escaped and slid down my cheek. I was in complete awe of my sister right now and I knew there weren't words to describe what I felt for her. I didn't try to wipe my tear away and she noticed it and smiled at me. 

"Softie..." Clare cooed at me. We both smiled and she pressed her hand into mine. I winked at her. Clare resumed her serious composure and let out another loud breath and looked down at Chrissie. "I'm ready when you are..." she told her midwife with determination. 

"You're the boss..." Chrissie told her with a heartened tone. "Alright...let's do another..." Clare immediately lifted up and I slid my hand down below her shoulder to help hold her up as she leaned into another push. Brian saw my action and repeated it. We held her up as she let out a grunting sound and gave it her all. She finished her effort and leaned back into our hands as she gasped and dropped her body down into the pillows. Her back felt so hot and I couldn't imagine the energy she was exerting to do this.

"Hand me a wet towel..." I told Brian. He reached over to the stack and pulled a damp towel from it and gave it to me. I took it and settled it against the back of Clare's neck. I hoped it would give her some relief. She sighed and smiled a little. Brian moved onto the edge of the bed to sit down. Clare seemed okay with this so I did the same on my side. I felt closer to her and closer to Brian this way.

"That's nice...thanks Rog.." she told me. I felt better about doing something and nodded at her. Brian beamed at my gesture. 

"We've almost got their head..." Chrissie remarked as she looked up at Clare. Clare nodded and smiled despite her weariness. She suddenly leaned forward again and her face got dark as she made a hissing sound and then cried out. I almost jumped from the sound and the evident pain she was in. Clare began pushing again and shouted. 

"Oh god!" she cried and her face twisted for a moment. My heart ached for what she is enduring right now. Her decision to have the baby at home and without an epidural was weighing on my mind. Why did she feel she had to do this? I was starting to feel pained myself for watching her go through this. I don't think I could ever handle this level of pain. I looked up at Brian for a respite from the range of emotions in her face. Brian looked as agonized as I did. 

"You can do this! You're are so close..." my mother encouraged to her. Alli nodded and smiled up at Clare and patted her leg.

"Go Clare go!" she cheered to her with a giant grin. Clare laughed as she sighed and exhaled again.

"Try some of those quick breaths...." Chrissie suggested. Clare nodded and laid back and began doing rhythmic short panting style breaths. I found myself tapping my foot in unison and then was actually breathing the same as her. Brian watched me with curiosity and it quickly turned to amusement. My sister stopped and exhaled deeply. 

"Okay....let's do this.." Clare said in a determined tone. 

\---40 minutes later---

Brian's POV 

Clare leaned forward again with great resolve and clamped her eyes and mouth shut as she grimaced and groaned. My stomach ached at the thought of the terrible pain she has to endure to get the baby out. I felt humbled by her fortitude and will. Amazed by her stamina and knew I was forever in debt to her. A debt I'm not sure I can ever repay. 

I held onto her hand as she squeezed mine and slid my other hand down her back again to help hold her up as she pushed with all her might. She started panting as Chrissie reached down to check on the baby's status. 

"Shit!" Clare cried out and her legs shook a little as she rolled back against Roger and I's arms. "Ohhhh..." she moaned out and moved her head side to side as she tried to catch her breath. 

"The head's out Clare....you're doing marvelously!" Chrissie told her and looked up to check on her. Chrissie caught my eye and smiled at me. I am so happy she is here to help. For some reason her presence was comforting to me. Not only do I know she is a great caregiver but I know she really cares. I hoped Roger could see the benefit of her being the one to help bring our baby into the world. We are able to be in this room and can be ourselves. A real gift to us both. 

"I need a minute..." Clare announced as she tried to catch her breath. I could see the tiredness in her face and felt awful for what she is going through. After so many hours of contractions keeping her awake I knew she must already be exhausted. Roger and I shared a look of concern at the fatigue setting in on her. 

"That's fine....but when you are ready...we need to do several pushes...alright?" Chrissie informed her. Clare had her eyes closed and I grabbed the cloth to wipe the sweat from her face. She laid silent for awhile and the sounds of the record playing on low filled the room as her breathing quieted.

"Okay..." she answered after a taking a few deep breaths. I rubbed her arm and smiled at her.

"You are amazing!" I told her quietly. Her eyes remained closed but a small grin appeared on her face.

"Bear....he's right!" Roger added to my statement. "God! You're so strong!" Roger leaned down and kissed her forehead. When he stood back up I found tears in his eyes and instantly felt some of my own. We exchanged an expression of profound awe for her. How did we get so lucky? 

"Alli...can you change the music? I'm ready for it.." Clare suddenly asked her friend. Alli had a sweet smile as she gently laid Clare's leg down and walked to the record player. She pulled the vinyl from the turntable and then reached over to Clare's cassette player. We had bought Clare a little stereo system for her room last Christmas and she loved recording music on her cassettes. It was a new component in home stereos. Alli turned and smiled at Clare as she pressed the play button on the machine.

"This is for you boys..." Alli told us with real emotion in her voice. Roger and I shared a surprised expression as 'Here Comes The Sun' starting playing. My heart burst with the thoughtfulness that Clare had for us right now. 

"Clare...this is..." I felt words couldn't describe the immense love I had for her right now. I leaned down and kissed her clammy cheek. Roger then did the same and we then looked at each other with such gratitude for her.

"They have to come into this world with your favorite music in their ears...." Clare told us and she smiled up at us both. I nodded agreement and so did Roger.

"That's lovely..." Winnie remarked as Alli resumed her place at Clare's leg and Chrissie checked Clare's progress again. 

"Okay....I'm ready.." Clare told us all. Chrissie nodded and patted Clare's leg.

"I need one big push and then we need to do several smaller ones in succession...alright?" Chrissie asked. Clare nodded and I could see the resolve return to her face as she began to push her body up again. Roger and I both fell into our practice of our hands reaching to hold her back as she lifted up and leaned forward.

"Aaaarrggghhh!" Clare shouted as she pushed with all her might and dug her fingernails into my hand. I supported her back as best as I could with my hand splayed out and could see Clare shudder as she fell back and gasped from exertion. She began doing her quick panting breaths to ease her pain and I found myself mirroring them. I rubbed on her back and Roger began talking to her.

"You've got this Bear..." he told her with confidence in his voice. She nodded as she steeled herself for some more pushing.

"Okay...we need to do those quick pushes..." Chrissie told her. Clare nodded and leaned forward again as Roger and I assisted her. She let out a loud groan as she rolled into the next push.

"Ohhhhh!" Clare cried out and she tensed up as Chrissie reached down with both hands.

"The head is completely out and I can see the shoulders coming!" she told her with some excitement in her voice. "Give me another push...come on Clare!" she encouraged and I could see her trying to take hold of the baby. A huge rush of adrenaline poured through me as I realized the baby was almost out. Clare began her bursting breaths again and leaned forward as she cried out.

"Fuck!" she screamed and her body shuddered as Chrissie seemed to move in closer with her hands. A beautiful look came over Chrissie's face and my heart leapt at the thought my baby is actually here. My pulse sped up and butterflies erupted inside me. I looked over at Roger and his mouth was open and his eyes wide as he watched spellbound.

"I've got it!" Chrissie announced proudly as she carefully began pulling back with her hands from Clare's thighs. I could see Chrissie lifting up and her hands moved up as well as she brought the baby onto Clare's stomach. Clare fell back and began sobbing. She pulled her hands from our grasp and reached for the baby. I had never seen a baby as it was born and couldn't believe how different they looked. Despite the odd coloring and mucous, opaque colored film and patches of blood it was the most amazing and beautiful sight I had ever experienced. I let out a sound I had never made before. Complete awe was the only way I could describe it. I was humbled and amazed at the life that was laid out before me. Clare began caressing the baby as she wept and Chrissie moved up towards Clare's chest with a clean towel. She first began rubbing the baby's back and Clare stroked its head. I felt a pang of worry that the baby seemed unconscious and wasn't crying. 

Before I could voice my concern and let any real fear take over, the baby stirred its little body and I saw its delicate tiny hands clench into little fists. The mouth opened and the beginnings of a whine poured out. I felt relieved and ecstatic to to hear the first sounds of my child. My child. Oh my god! My child! Tears began falling down my face as I witnessed this miracle before me. I couldn't take my eyes from the sight of my beautiful living and breathing baby. But then I had to look and see Roger. Because it is our baby. His eyes were wet and his face bore the same reverence and disbelief that we are seeing our baby for the first time. He seemed to know I was watching him and he looked up at me. The love and gratitude I felt for him instantly deepened. He smiled his glorious smile at me and then looked back down at our child.

"Is it a boy or girl?" Roger asked Chrissie. Chrissie was getting the towel tucked under the baby's feet when she looked up and smiled at us both.

"It's a boy!" she told us. Roger seemed to float off the ground as he leaned over Clare towards me. I met him halfway and we kissed. A brief celebratory kiss. We parted and heard the first real cry emit from our son. Our son! 

"Oh!" Winnie cried out and I saw her look at Clare and the baby with total adoration. "A boy!" she said with happiness. Winnie then glanced at me and then Roger with the same happiness. "You have a son!" she told us. I nodded and wiped at the tears covering my cheeks. I sniffed loudly and my voice was tear laden.

"A son!" I said out loud and I felt Clare reach for my hand. She took it in hers and delicately placed it on my baby. She watched me as I felt their warm pink skin and the life within it. The feel of his body as he breathed. I then gazed lovingly at Clare. Despite everything she had just endured her face was serene and calm. We shared an expression of love and eternal connection in this moment. Even though this baby wasn't going to be hers she was forever a part of it. His mother and life giver. Clare then reached over and took hold of Roger's hand and placed it on the baby as well. He also seemed deeply moved by the gesture and soaked in the first feel of our son. My fingers shifted over and connected with his as we both held a piece of our new child. Clare placed her hand on top of ours and smiled at us.

"What's his name?" she asked us softly. I was at a loss for an answer as Roger and I exchanged a look of uncertainty. We never fully decided. Both of us were silent and I realized the song playing on Clare's stereo as our child was born and we sat sat deciding his fate was none other than my guitar hero Jimi Hendrix. I recalled that moment at his grave site when I expressed the intention to name my son after him. I also remembered Roger's words when we first discussed names and he told me he liked this for a name. So it seemed like the decision had already been made. I gestured towards the stereo and looked at Roger. He seemed to understand my intention and nodded to me. So as the soft notes of 'Little Wing' emitted from the speakers I smiled and looked down at my son. 

"Jimi....his name is Jimi..."

Chrissie motioned to us as she took hold of some towels laid on her table.

"I hate to do this....but we need to take care of some things....I need to get the baby and Clare cleaned up and I need his vitals...." she informed us. I know we needed to give them space to do this. I nodded understanding and hesitated to take my hand from my baby and my husband's. But I let go and leaned down towards Clare.

"Clare....you are the best woman I know...thank you...I love you so much...." I told her sincerely. She smiled warmly at me and nodded. I leaned in and shared a chaste kiss with her.

"I love you too..." she told me. Roger leaned over and kissed her forehead and smiled at her.

"There are no words Bear.....thank you..." he told her as he kissed her again and then moved to stand up from the bed. "We will see you in a bit...." he said and began to leave the bedside. I didn't want to really leave but pulled myself away and touched my baby one last time before I stood up to follow him. Alli hugged me briefly as Winnie hugged Roger and followed him around the bed. She came up and Winnie threw her arms around me.

"Congratulations!" she told me with great affection. She kissed my cheek and patted my chest as we parted. "Go tend to our other baby and we will see these two sorted..." Winnie assured us. Roger took my hand and we walked to the door to the room. I turned to look one more time at the wonder of it all. Chrissie turned and grinned at me.

"I know they are both in good hands....thank you Chrissie...for everything..." I said to her. She nodded and returned to her duties. Roger put his arm around me as we vacated the room. We stepped out and Roger closed the door behind us. We stood facing each other with the joy of our experience radiating between us. I leaned down and we shared a long sweet kiss. Feeling blissful in the wake of our child's arrival. Our lips parted and we then embraced. Holding each other up physically and emotionally. 

"How do you feel Daddy?" Roger said to me sweetly. I smiled warmly at him as we separated and I kissed his wonderfully perfect nose. 

"Absolutely wonderful Papa!" I answered happily. Roger kept hold of my hand and we walked to our room bathed in a relaxed feeling. Roger looked tired and he pulled back the comforter and proceeded to crawl in under it. I got in behind him. I pulled my watch off and laid it on the nightstand as I turned and laid on my side and pulled Roger close to me. I was fatigued but could not imagine how exhausted Clare was. I felt a little guilty as I laid my head on a shared pillow with my husband and smiled at the image of my son in my head as my eyes closed.

\----------------------

Of course I couldn't sleep and after a half hour of laying and holding Roger I finally got out of bed and went to take a shower. After throwing on some fresh clothes I padded down the hall and tapped on Clare's door. Alli opened it wearing a tired but calm face.

"Good timing....they're all cleaned up..." she remarked as she widened the space for me to enter. I walked in to find Clare looking better as she rested under fresh bedclothes and had on a light pink nightgown. Someone had brushed her hair and pulled it back in a headband on her head. Chrissie had removed her surgical gown and was packing up some things in her large case. There was a pile of dirty linens and towels resting on a sheet of plastic in the corner of the room. A chair had been moved up by the bed and Winnie sat holding Jimi in her arms. He was all cleaned up and his skin was a lovely light pink. I could see he had a large patch of light hair on the back of his head and it had a hint of curl on the ends. Winnie smiled at me as I approached her.

"Here is your Daddy little one..." she told Jimi as she waited for me to get close. I turned to check that Clare was okay and she patted the bed. 

"Sit here Brian so you can hold him..." she said in a quiet voice. I got settled on the edge of the bed and before I went to get my son I leaned over and kissed Clare on the forehead. 

"You're looking good...you feeling okay?" She nodded at me and gestured towards the baby. 

"I'll be fine Brian...just hold your son..." she insisted. I gave her a meek grin and turned back to face Winnie. She lifted Jimi up and leaned my way. I met her in the middle and took the lightweight bundle in my hands. 

"Oh! He is so beautiful!" I remarked to them both as I took in my first real look at my baby.

He is so little! I couldn't believe how different this was from getting Tiger Lily. She had been almost 8 months older then. Such a remarkable change between newborn and near a year old. It made him seem so fragile in comparison. I felt such a strong pull inside me to protect him and keep him safe. I was careful as I nestled him in one of my arms. His tiny features were soft and placid as he slept. I wanted to see his eyes but knew they would be with me forever. I didn't want to wake him as I know he must be as tired as Clare. I used my finger to feel the skin on his head and face. He was so soft and warm. I noticed all his tiny fingers bunched up as he slept. Everything about him felt precious and I pressed him closer to me. My heart swelled as his little tongue poked out for a moment and he shifted against my arm. I instinctively tucked his plush blanket around him to keep him warm. His rosebud shaped mouth puckered a little as he continued sleeping. I tried to really look at him to see who he might look like. But it seemed like he just looked like himself. He looked like Jimi. My Jimi!

"I knew you'd be in here..." I heard Roger's voice and looked up to see him lingering in the doorway. He walked towards me and I shifted on the bed to make room for him. "You doing okay Clare?" he asked her as he took a seat next to me. He picked up Clare's hand that rested on her lap and kissed it. She smiled lovingly at her brother.

"I'm good Rog....say hello to your son..." she told him. Roger leaned over my side and pulled the blanket back a little to peek at our new child. His eyes scanned over the baby and an enchanted look took over his face.

"God....he's so beautiful..." he remarked as he moved his hand over to caress his head. "He reminds me of that picture of you that your Mum has in your baby book.." Roger commented to me.

"Does he?" I asked and felt unsure. Roger nodded and tapped my chin with his finger.

"Yeah...he's your son alright.." he informed me. "When you call your Mum to tell her...have her bring your baby book...you'll see..." he assured me. 

"In all fairness to the Taylor side....I do see a resemblance to you and Clare in there..." Winnie chimed in. I smiled at Winnie and was glad she could see something of her own in the baby. I really wanted this child to feel like it belonged to us all. Not that Tiger Lily didn't but she wasn't planned. She was a gift bestowed to us and brought our families closer together. Jimi is another tie that binds. 

"Jimi is a part of us all..." I said to Winnie. "It doesn't matter how he looks in the end...he is a Taylor and a May through and through...." I added. As soon as I said that I knew his full name. "It's his name after all...Jimi Meddows Taylor May..." Roger's face lit up with delight as did Winnie's. He leaned over and kissed the top of Jimi's head and then reached for my lips. We shared a brief kiss.

"Welcome to the world Jimi...."


	99. Come Let The New Child Play - Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those Queen folks following the real timeline - you are correct. I have not used the actual birthdays for Tiger Lily Taylor or Jimmy May. Let's enjoy it anyway!

28th March 1977

Surrey

Brian's POV

Tiger Lily opened her eyes as Roger approached her. Her little lashes fluttered as she blinked. Roger sat down on the edge of her bed and began to run his hand through her tousled platinum hair.

"Morning Tiger..." he said to her softly. She yawned a bit and shuffled out from under her blanket. She sat up slowly and immediately went into Roger's arms. His face was tender as he embraced her and kissed her head. "Love you princess..." he lifted her up and carried her to her changing table.

"Love you...Papa!" Tigs replied in a sleepy tone. She was compliant as he pulled off her pajamas. I tidied up her bed as Roger took care of her nappy and a change of clothes. As I watched Roger clean her up I imagined him doing the same for Jimi and smiled widely at the thought. I walked over wearing a broad grin as Roger slipped some socks on her feet.

"Good morning poppet..." Tigs smiled at me and reached up for me.

"Brimi....." she said to me. I let Roger finish with her and she sat up as I took her in my arms to hug her. She smelled heavenly and I kissed her cheek before setting her on her feet.

"We have a surprise for you...." I told her. Her face grew excited and she took off towards her door and we followed. "Let's go see Clare...." I said to her as she tried to reach for the door handle. Roger opened it and we stepped out and I took her hand as we went up to Clare's open doorway. Roger knocked on the door frame and we looked in on the quiet scene. Clare was still sitting up and Winnie remained in her chair next to her holding her grandson. Both of them looked up at us and smiled.

"Tiger!" Clare told her sweetly and held her arms out to her. Tigs let go of my hand and took off towards her. She got up to the bed and then saw what Winnie had nestled in her arms. Jimi was fussing a bit and making some noises. Tigs immediately looked at the baby and pointed at him.

"Baby?" she asked as she looked around at us all. Winnie nodded and moved Jimi closer to her. Tigs got right up next to Winnie's legs and peeked into the fluffy yellow blanket.

"This is your brother sweetheart...." Winnie told her. Tiger Lily made a tentative touch on the baby's cheek with her tiny finger. She then touched his head and stroked his patch of wispy hair. She giggled and smiled widely as she looked up at us.

"Baby!" she yelled and seemed thrilled as she patted his body covered by the blanket. I brought up my camera and took some pictures to capture her reaction to him. Roger walked over and squatted at Tigs' side. He laid his hand on top of the blanket and looked at our daughter.

"Tiger Lily...this is your baby brother....this is Jimi..." Roger explained to her. Tigs listened to him intently and glanced over at the baby. She patted him again and smiled.

"Brimi...." she told him. Roger laughed lightly as we both realized she thinks his name is Brimi. Roger shook his head.

"His name is Jimi...not Brimi..." he said back. Tigs glanced up at me and seemed a little confused. I wondered if our name choice was going to be a problem. 

"The baby is called Jimi..." I said to Tiger Lily. She cocked her head and looked bewildered. She turned back to the baby.

"Brimi..." she repeated and patted his blanket again. Roger glanced up at me and shrugged. Unsure of what we should do. I didn't want to change his name. It felt right to me and everyone seemed to like it. 

"We can deal with it later..." I assured Roger. He went back to give his attention to both babies. He put his arm around Tigs as they looked over our new addition. I checked my watch and wanted to call my parents before my father left for work. I sat my camera down on the dresser. "I'm going to call my parents..." I announced. Everyone seemed excited to hear this. 

"I can't wait for them to see Jimi..." Winnie remarked. Roger smiled at me.

"I hope they can make it over today..." Roger noted to me. I nodded and felt the same. 

"I'll be back...." I replied and headed to our bedroom to make the call. Butterflies returned to my stomach as I grabbed the telephone from the nightstand and walked it over on its long cord to the arm chair in our bedroom. I hadn't had much of a chance to enjoy everything new about our bedroom. We had decorated it and then left on tour a few weeks later. Trish had raved to us about Asian influences since she knew we had been to Japan a few times and mentioned we liked the style. She completely redid the room and styled it with soft cream, gold and blues to give us a soothing and tranquil place just for the two of us. The furniture was a dark cherry with colored accents that complimented the bedding and room decor. Despite all the furniture pieces we now had, there was a roomy and warm glow about the place. It felt peaceful to me. It also seemed like a really grown up bedroom.

I dialed my old home telephone number and hoped my father had not left for work already. My call was answered and I took a deep breath.

"Hello.."

"Hi Mum...it's me!" 

"Hello dear...you're up early today.."

"I am...is Dad still there?"

"You called just in time...hang on!" she replied. "Harold!" I heard her call for my father and felt excitement bubble inside me as they both returned to the phone.

"Brian?" it was my father. I smiled widely as I gripped the phone. 

"Hi Dad...I've called with some good news....Clare had the baby last night.." I told him and waited for a response. 

"Congratulations son! That's wonderful news!" he told me. I felt a certain amount of satisfaction hearing the enthusiasm in my father's voice. "Now...tell your mother everything..." he informed me and handed the phone to my mother.

"Did you have the baby?" my mother instantly asked. I smiled at the sound of her voice. She was so ecstatic. 

"Yes Mum! He arrived early this morning...around 3:30..." I replied. My mother gasped in the phone and I felt so happy to hear her response.

"So it's a boy?" she asked me.

"Yes! We named him Jimi!" I said back. 

"Oh Brian! Jimi! That's a lovely name....oh my! I'm so happy for you dear....is Clare doing alright?" I knew my mother would ask about her. 

"Clare is good...yeah....she was so amazing Mum! I couldn't believe how brave she was...." I told her with pride and felt a stir of emotion inside me as I recalled witnessing her labor and all it entailed. I felt the sting of tears and my eyes welled up. "I saw the baby being born Mum...it was so beautiful to watch..." I revealed to her. "Roger and I both were there..." I sniffed at the threat of a runny nose as some tears spilled down my face.

"Now that is not something you would have seen in my day..." my mother remarked to me as I smiled and wiped at my damp cheeks. "I'm glad you got to see the miracle of him coming into this world dear....something you will never forget..." 

"I won't Mum...Clare made it happen for us....we got to share in it and I love her so much for it....I am so happy!" I told her through more tears. I hiccupped as I smiled and then laughed a little for how emotional I had become. I didn't think this would happen but I felt overcome with joy. It was a marvelous feeling.

"When can we come see everyone?" my mother inquired. I sniffed again before I answered.

"Anytime Mum! We aren't going anywhere for a while....at least not until our tour resumes..." 

"And you said you were taking them with you this time....right?" she asked me. 

"Yes....we're going on tour as a family....all of us..." I assured her. She took a moment to speak to my father and I tried to calm down a little. 

"We are going to head that way shortly....your father does need to go in to work for a while but will leave me at your place and return later...alright?" I was thrilled to hear they would be over soon. I am eager to show off my son. 

"That would be lovely Mum...see you soon.."

"I love you Brian..."

"I love you too Mum..."

I smiled to myself as I began dialing the phone again. I couldn't wait to wake a certain someone up. The phone rang several times and I almost laughed as it was finally answered and a grumpy tone greeted me.

"Yes?" he said in a short curt manner.

"Good morning Fred!" I told him with a cheery demeanor. "Are you sitting down because I have some news for you..." I said next and waited for his reaction.

"You know damn well I am lying down in bed and highly annoyed that you called me at the crack of dawn Brian May! Now spit out whatever this news is so I can go back to sleep!" he demanded. I leaned back against the chair and sighed with deep satisfaction.

"I called to tell you that you have a new baby Uncle Freddie!" there was silence on the phone and then a long winded cooing sound.

"Oh Brian! That's right ! She was in labor when you left yesterday. I forgot dear!" he seemed to have forgotten about his sleep disruption as well. "That is wonderful news darling!" he seemed to be awake now and sighed sweetly in the phone. "So tell me....do we have a boy or a girl?" 

"A boy!" He gasped with delight.

"How marvelous for you! One of each then!" he said with sincerity. "Who does he look like? What's his name?" Freddie began speaking faster and I smiled at his growing enthusiasm.

"He looks like a newborn baby to be honest...but he is beautiful....and we named him Jimi.." 

"Any chance his middle name is Freddie?" he asked me with a hint of humor.

"His full name is Jimi Meddows Taylor May...." I informed him firmly. 

"Brian...I love his name...that is so sweet....." he said with softness in his voice. "He really is from both of you so it's quite fitting...." I couldn't agree more with his sentiment.

"He is Fred.....I am so lucky.....we both are...." 

"When can I come see this little prince of a baby?" 

"Whenever you want.....Clare is doing well and Tiger Lily met him just now....so come over..." 

"I won't be there until later today dear...you know how it is....see you then..." he replied. As I went to hang up I heard him shout something.

"Yes?" I asked him. 

"Tell Roger congratulations for me...." he added and hung up his phone. 

I stood up and stretched. I was feeling the effects of being up most the night. A big yawn escaped me as I returned to Clare's room. Winnie was up out of her chair and Roger was sitting there holding Jimi. Tiger Lily stood at his leg and watched over her brother. I grabbed my camera again to snap a couple of photos. I hoped I captured the joy evident on Roger's face as he looked over his new son. Clare seemed to have fallen asleep. Even with the nearby noise she was out.

"My parents are heading over soon...." I informed Roger and Winnie quietly. I was greeted with happy faces as we all enjoyed a quiet moment watching Jimi sleep.

Chrissie came into the room and smiled at us all. "I'm getting ready to go..." she informed us. "I checked Clare before she fell asleep. She is comfortable and I will return tomorrow to check on her and the baby..." Roger and I both grabbed some of her equipment to carry downstairs. I was amazed at the reserves Chrissie had. She had been here since yesterday afternoon and was still going strong. We followed her to the car and loaded up her supplies. "Did you need me to register the birth or will you be doing it?" Chrissie asked me as she closed the boot.

"I can do it I guess...do I just go to the local registrar's office?"

"Do you plan to register with Clare as the mother and you as the father of record?" 

"I am definitely being listed as father but I'm not sure what our solicitor wants me to do in regards to registering Clare...let me check with him..." I told her. She pulled an envelope from her bag and handed it to me.

"Here is my information as the attendant at birth...." she explained. "You can register everything once you know what your solicitor instructs.." I nodded understanding.

"Thanks Chrissie...for everything...you've been brilliant and I appreciate all you did for Clare and the baby..." I told her with the utmost gratitude and respect. We exchanged a hug and a smile.

"Chrissie...I want to personally thank you for enabling us to be present for it all..." Roger suddenly declared to her. "If we'd had the baby in hospital....well...I wouldn't have been able to be a part of it....and...it means a lot that you accommodated us....so thanks..." I was heartened by Roger's words and surprised when he reached over and hugged Chrissie. She too was taken aback by this and smiled warmly at him.

"You're welcome....I know this baby will be loved and well cared for....he has so many people who will be there for him....so I am happy to know I helped in some way..." Chrissie was humble about her contribution but I knew I would be giving her a stellar review with the private agency when they inquired with us. Chrissie left and we went inside to see to about some food for ourselves and a hungry two year old.

Roger and I took Tiger Lily to the kitchen for some breakfast. I told Roger about my call with Freddie as I was giving her some bananas and hot cereal when my parents arrived. Roger answered the door and they came in wearing broad smiles. Alli happened to come into the kitchen as they stepped inside and she offered to keep an eye on Tiger Lily so we could take my parents to see the baby. After saying hello to our girl, we went upstairs and found Clare's bedroom door was closed. I knocked and waited. Winnie came and opened the door a small crack.

"She's feeding the baby..." Winnie informed us and smiled at my parents. "Oh! I am so glad you made it! She should be finished in a few minutes..." We all nodded understanding and I thought my parents could wait in our room since we had a nice couch and chair to sit on. 

"Let's just wait in our room..." I told them. They followed Roger and myself and my parents seemed a little uncomfortable as they took a seat on the plush sofa by our bedroom windows. I wasn't sure what was wrong. My father's body language was noticeably awkward and he turned to look out our window as we sat and waited. My mother looked around the room and seemed a little overwhelmed by it all. I realized my parent's had never really been in our bedroom.

"I guess you've never seen our room..." I remarked to try and break the tension filling the space around us. My mother nodded as she took in the view and then looked at Roger and myself.

"Sorry dear....if we seem a little taken aback...." she remarked to me. "This room is bigger than our entire living room..." she reminded me. I noticed both my parents glance at our bed. I guess the distinct reminder that we share a bed may have been a bit much for them. It was one thing to tolerate our chaste kisses in their company but maybe seeing our private quarters up close was more than they could handle. 

"Brian...how about we show them the music box we got from Tom and Sandra?" Roger suddenly suggested. It was apparent my parents were looking for an out as they shot up from the sofa and smiled.

"Yes...that would be lovely..." my mother commented. I hid my smirk as we vacated our den of iniquity and went to the innocent lodgings of our new baby. Roger showed them the music box and a few other gifts we had received recently. My parents relaxed and soon Winnie stepped in the baby's room.

"Clare's finished..." she announced and her and my mother hugged each other affectionately. "I guess we're grandparents times two now..." she remarked and they shared a blissful smile as we went to see Clare and Jimi. The door was open and Clare greeted us with a warm smile as she held Jimi in her arms.

"Oh!" my mother gasped as she walked up to the bed and instantly took a seat next to Clare. My father came up and stood behind her. Roger stood nearby and Winnie put her arm around him. 

"Here he is Ruth..." Clare said as she handed my son to my mother. I grabbed the camera I left on the dresser and got positioned to take some pictures. My mother's face was absolute elation as she looked over the bundle in her arms. She held Jimi with one arm and began to unfold the blanket to get a better look at him. My father rested a hand on my mother's shoulder as he leaned down to see his grandson. I hoped my shot of my parents looking down proudly at Jimi came out. It really captured everything. 

"He is so lovely....he's perfect..." my mother commented as she examined him. She reached over and took Clare's hand. "You don't know how much this means to us Clare....thank you..." she told Clare with a tenderness that made me emotional. Clare only nodded and seemed moved by my mother's kind words. 

"Doesn't he look like Brian?" Roger announced as he walked over and squatted near the bed. He rested his hands on his thighs as he watched my mother adore her new grandbaby. 

"He does Roger....you're right....there is a strong resemblance..." my mother ran her fingers through the fluffy mess of hair that covered Jimi's scalp. "Brian's hair was darker at first but it was this same texture....but his face is so much like Brian's when he was born...don't you think Harold?" she asked my father. He nodded agreement and reached down to tentatively touch Jimi's cheek with fingers similar to my own.

"He is a lot like Brian...." my father answered with a heartened smile forming on his lips. "But there is definitely some Taylor in there...." he added and turned and winked at Roger. 

"Have you decided on his full name dear?" my mother asked me.

"Yes....it's Jimi Meddows Taylor May.." I advised her. I saw a hint of disappointment in my mother's face. I guess she thought maybe a middle name might be a carryover from our family. I wasn't interested in having a child named Harold since it causes confusion in families when they do this. It was already my middle name. The baby had our last name after all and he isn't just my child.

"It's important that he have both our names somehow..." I told them as I set my camera down and Roger stood up and came to my side and slipped his arm through mine. My father smiled at me. He walked over to Roger and I and put his arm on my shoulder.

"It sounds like a fine name to me..." 

\-----------------------

The day flew by in a whirlwind of phone calls and falling into a schedule that operated around Jimi's sleeping and eating patterns. Winnie decided to lay down for a nap as my father left for a few hours at work. After Jimi fell asleep my mother situated herself in the kitchen to make a proper meal for us all. Roger took a tray to Clare and I looked after Tiger Lily. Alli fell asleep on the sofa in the living room watching a show with our girl in the early afternoon. 

Roger phoned Deacy at a reasonable hour. He was elated to hear we had a boy just like he did. He said they would visit before the end of the day. After a nice lunch my father returned and they spent some more time with Jimi and Tiger Lily. They left in the late afternoon and promised to come again soon. Roger and I began fighting fatigue since we had been up so long. It grew dark outside and Alli and Winnie got up and contemplated something for dinner. The telephone rang as we were deciding what we wanted to eat.

"Hello.."

"It's Freddie dear....just calling to let you know we are heading your way.."

"We?"

"It's Deacy, Ronnie and myself....was there anything you required before we leave the city?" 

"There is actually....could I trouble you to pick up some takeaway from Pirelli's?"

"Call in what you would like and we will gladly bring it to you...."

"Thanks Fred...you're a gem!" I hung up the phone and smiled at everyone watching me.

"Well..that's dinner settled!"

\----------------------

I sat in the chair next to Clare's bed and held Jimi in my arms. It was late and everyone was getting ready for bed. I wanted to see him one last time before I went to sleep. I needed to memorize him in my mind. He needed changing when I first came in the room so I enjoyed my first nappy change with my son. It was really different to have to manage a baby with an appendage but I took Clare's guidance as I carefully tended to him. I was mindful of his penis and his remaining umbilical cord as I laid a fresh nappy under his tiny bum. I fastened the tabs and ensured everything was in its place before I began dressing him in a sleeper.

"There you are....all snug and proper for some rest little one..." I told him quietly and leaned over to kiss his small forehead. He made some noises as I picked him up and returned to the chair. I sat down slowly so I wouldn't jostle him and smiled as we got settled. It was the first time he was really awake as I held him. Jimi's hands were reaching out for anything they could touch. I let him take hold of one of my fingers and savored the tactile connection to him. I couldn't get over how small he is. He only weighed 3.2 kg when he was born. Though he was light as a feather he seemed quite long. Winnie had commented that he was longer than her children at birth. I guess he got that from me. "Hello Jimi....I'm your Daddy..." I said to him endearingly. As he squeezed my finger in response I felt a warm fullness in my chest.

"You have the best voice for babies Brian.." Clare told me as she rested in her bed. She was propped up by her massive pile of pillows. A small television set that Roger had bought her was on but turned down to just white noise. She smiled as she watched me hold him and adore his every breath. Every little movement. "I know Tiger Lily reacts to your voice....he will as well.." 

"Don't discount Roger's voice..." I replied with a smirk on my face. "He has his soft moments..." I reminded her. We shared a knowing grin between us regarding her brother. We both know deep down he is a total softie. Jimi got a little restless in my arms and began crying. 

"I'm sure he's hungry....it's been several hours..." Clare informed me. She grabbed a spare baby blanket laying on the side of the bed and laid it over her shoulder. "I'm going to try and feed him..." she remarked as she began to unbutton the flap on her nursing gown. I felt somewhat self conscious about being present while she breastfed. This was certainly new territory in our relationship.

"I'll leave then..." I said to her. She rolled her eyes at me and then looked serious.

"Brian...listen to me..." she said firmly. "I know you aren't attracted to me in any sexual manner and right now my breasts are here solely for his nourishment....so relax and just give him to me....alright?" What she said was completely true and I felt somewhat immature for not handling it better.

"You're right Clare...I just wanted to respect your privacy..." I offered back. 

"I do appreciate that....but let's just be realistic....I may need to feed him sometimes and it may not be convenient for me to be entirely alone....so you might as well get used to it..." I leaned over and handed Jimi to her. She took him and got him positioned as she moved the garment over and revealed a swollen breast.

"How has it been so far...with feeding him?" I was genuinely curious and found the process fascinating. I hoped keeping it scientific would ease my awkwardness at watching her latch my baby onto her nipple.

"The first few times were a struggle...but once he latched on completely...it seems easier now.." she remarked as she helped him stay attached. I could hear him begin to suckle and Clare sighed with relief. I didn't want to stare but couldn't help watching him nurse. It was really a beautiful thing to behold. I was grateful I could witness it and that Clare felt comfortable enough with me to do this. 

"You're doing a great job Clare....I am just amazed at your stamina and your care for him.." Clare scoffed but smiled at me as she cradled Jimi.

"I am running on fumes right now...." she confessed. "As soon as he's full I want to lay him down to sleep and try to get a few hours of my own..." 

"Maybe you should try pumping your milk right away so we can help out with his feedings so you can get some real sleep..." she nodded agreement.

"Don't worry...I will...just right now...he's not even a day old...so this just feels right..." 

"I understand....and thank you for taking such good care of him...I mean it..." I reached over and placed my hand on her leg and gave her a grateful smile.

"I know I am not going to be his Mum in the real sense of the word...but that doesn't mean I don't owe him everything a baby needs from a mother right now..." Clare is so pragmatic in her thinking and it only reminded me of how appropriate she is for this role.

"You may not end up being his Mum but you are the most amazing Aunt and nanny in the entire universe..." Before Clare could respond her door opened and Roger popped his head in.

"Just wanted one more.." he stopped mid sentence and his eyes grew wide. "Shit!" he exclaimed and closed the door as he disappeared. It was apparent he had seen his sister's breast on display as it fed his child. Clare and I shared an 'oops' expression and began giggling.

"Well that's him turned off breasts for the rest of his life...." Clare remarked snidely as she tried not to move too much as she laughed. 

"I guess that works in my favor...eh?"


	100. I'm The Invisible Man - Part 1

20th May 1977

Switzerland to London

Roger's POV

We had only been gone twelve days but when you are traveling with a newborn and a toddler, it can be a little taxing. The continental tour of Europe was complete and the entire lot of us had traveled to the airport for the flight home to London. We had the start of our British dates in a few days but could at least rest at home tonight. Our flight took off on time and we were headed west to England. Brian and Clare were sharing a row on the plane and Alli was seated next to Tiger Lily behind them. The flight wasn't full and for once I was seated by myself. It was only two hours but considering I rarely get any alone time I savored it. I donned my sunglasses and closed my eyes. Maybe I should correct myself. Prescription sunglasses. Yeah - since Jimi was born several days before his due date I couldn't escape my eye exam. Lo and behold, I was told I need glasses and fitted on the spot. I have a pair of regular ones but wouldn't dare be seen in them in public. I know Buddy Holly and Lennon made wearing specs cool but I am a bit more Roy Orbison and need the shades to manage my vision problems. So I had them fix up a few pair of sunglasses for me to use when I'm with the band. When I am out and about. Brian had been empathetic and didn't tease me. He was so relieved I finally got my eyes checked. I am also relieved in a way. I can certainly read better and driving at night has improved.

I was glad to be lost in my thoughts as we travelled home. I had been bothered by some interviews we did when visiting Rotterdam. Some English music journalists had asked for time with us and we gladly offered it as a preview for our British dates. The first man we spoke with was from Melody Maker and had mostly talked with Freddie and Brian. Deacy didn't seem to mind as I know he isn't keen on talking but I grew a bit miffed when the man was finishing up with us and had only asked me one question. And it was about my daughter and my relationship status. There wasn't one inquiry about my drumming, my singing or writing. I was left feeling not such much as a musician but a pin up boy for the group.

The other reporter was from Record Mirror and worked with Rosemary Horide. I hoped this interview would glean a better result. His agenda seemed only to get a fluff piece and asked us to complete personal profiles of ourselves to print in the magazine. His actual questions for an article were about our hair and clothes. He asked me more than one question but it was only in regards to where I had purchased my shoes and jacket and who did my hair. So I was still a poster pin up. When I completed his questionnaire I bullshitted half my answers in disgust.

None of us were thrilled with the interviews but it seemed like a pattern had developed. The focus was often on Freddie and Brian. They were the imminent members of the group. The two out front that all the fans could easily see. Deacy was happy to be in the corner doing his own thing but I was slowly falling into the shadows behind my kit. As much as I gave at each performance, the only time anyone really sees me is for one song up front and at the final bow of the night. Other than that I am the backbeat and the mouthpiece that comes from the misty backdrop of the machine generated fog that hovers over our stage. I was beginning to feel a bit invisible. 

Soon enough our flight was over and we landed safely at Heathrow Airport. After trudging through customs we got to our hired cars and were soon heading to Surrey. A large pile of belongings was made in the kitchen when we arrived home. I sorted out the suitcases and took them upstairs to everyone's rooms. The extra baby equipment was stored in some spare cupboard space in the music room. Everyone was tired and ready for some rest. We had spent the morning doing some sight seeing before our afternoon flight. Despite it only being 8pm right now, we all headed to bed. 

"I'm going to feed Jimi and then I'll be in...." Brian informed me as he slipped on some pajamas. I was brushing my teeth as he left to tend to the baby. I was dressed for bed and got on my side and picked up the telephone. I had not had a free moment to speak to Jo lately and owed her a call. I grabbed my glass of water and took a quick drink as the phone rang.

"Hello..."

"Hey Jo...it's Rog...are you free to chat?"

"Roger! Of course! I do have some plans in a bit but I'm glad you called....how are you?"

"Tired to be honest....we've arrived home from the continental shows....just got in today.." 

"At least you're home safe....how was touring with a newborn?" She asked me.

"It was a lot more work than I thought.....even with Clare and Alli along to help....a newborn requires so much time and energy....I don't recall Tiger Lily needing that much care when we first got her..." 

"That's because she wasn't a newborn Roger....though I'm sure you're not remembering everything about that time....it was a while back.."

"You're probably right....I seem to mostly remember my anger and upset at the situation and her mother more than her day to day needs at that time....much to my regret.." I confessed. "Brian and Clare were the ones really taking care of her then..."

"You came around Rog..don't forget that....you take great care of her now..." Jo reminded me. 

"Thanks Jo! I do try to....I wouldn't give her up for anything...despite what I felt when we first got her..." 

"So how is it with two little ones? How is Jimi?" she asked me sincerely. I did smile when she asked.

"With two kids it does get hectic...you have two separate schedules to manage and Jimi eats so many times throughout the day.....and we are trying to get Tigs toilet trained but that was a challenge on the road....as you can imagine..." 

"Ugh! That would be a problem...." she agreed. "Speaking of Jimi's feedings..have you had any more unwanted encounters with your sister's breasts?" she asked me and I knew she was teasing me. She got an earful when I had called her to unload my traumatic experience. 

"Luckily she has switched to mostly pumping...so it's bottles these days...." I explained and felt relief that I had avoided any further glimpses of her breastfeeding. 

"So it doesn't bother you that Brian has seen her topless?" Jo continued with her taunt. 

"If it was any type of turn on...I am sure the glamour has worn off by now..." I replied and wanted to change the subject.

"So besides children....how was the tour?" Jo asked and sounded keen to know.

"The shows were great....we are in good form....the crowds seemed to like us..." I answered. "We got some gold discs awarded to us while we were in Rotterdam and did a few interviews to promote our upcoming British leg...." 

"Interviews? Anything I'd want to read?" she inquired. I frowned as I considered what she would find.

"Probably not....the one interview that wasn't a fluff piece will mostly be about Freddie and Brian..." I said honestly. 

"Oh? Why is that?" Jo responded.

"Because I guess in the eyes of the press...they are the ones that matter!" I replied with some annoyance in my tone.

"I know you think the press might believe that but the fans know who you are..." she assured me. "You have a big following and you are featured sometimes..."

"Yeah...I am featured....but it's generally about my clothes or my hair....not about my musicianship...not about me doing my real job..."

"Do you think some of this stems from the glam image of the band?" Jo remarked and it actually struck a chord with me.

"There might be some truth in that.." I agreed. "The music is changing and it seems like we need to switch gears a bit and do something different....maybe a new approach would help get rid of that label....have people look at us in a new light.."

"What are you thinking? Joining the punk scene Rog?" Jo asked me with some amusement in her tone. The punk scene was exploding in Britain and they were the darlings of the media right now. Even though it was their antics and anarchy that were attracting news stories it seemed like the breadth of their musical talented was limited. There was some good music to be had but it was so bloated with hype it took the edge off for me when I finally heard some of the tracks. 

"Punk is nothing new Jo....The Who have long engaged in this type of archaic and manic music and their stage shows and early antics mirror a lot of what these derelicts are doing right now...."

"So what do you want to do then?" she asked me next. I had put some thought into this. Shit! Some of my songs I had developed in the last couple of years had a punk edge to them. A few of these songs had not even been shown to the band yet. One in particular struck a chord though.

"I've got some songs I've written that fit the mold of what people are listening to now...so I am hopeful I can get them on our next record....get them heard....maybe I can get more than one track next time..." I explained to her.

"And if the band isn't interested?" she queried. 

"Maybe I'll just do one on my own..." I answered honestly.

"Are you saying you would leave the band?" she asked with alarm. 

"No! I would consider doing something on my own though... a solo record...but I have no interest in leaving the band....that would be ludicrous...." 

"Well I am glad to hear you won't be the newest member of The Sex Pistols!" Jo teased. I laughed at the thought of piercing my face and wearing torn t shirts and jeans.

"Yeah....I'm not that far removed from glam darling!" I countered with a chuckle. "You've seen my wardrobe...." Jo was laughing now and I smiled at her cheerfulness.

"And you've worn some of mine!" she reminded me with some cheek. We both got tickled at the memory of me borrowing some of her clothes and took a minute to calm down. I was still laughing when Brian walked into the room. He was pulling off his shirt and was walking towards the bathroom.

'Spit up!' he mouthed to me and showed me the stain on his shirt as he disappeared into the other room. 

"I know you've got plans...so I'll let you go..." I told her calmly. 

"Alright...but do let me know when you can get in town for lunch....I miss your face..." she replied warmly. 

"If you buy the next Melody Maker you can see my face in there....since that's all they care about.." I told her. "Actually...I have to take some things to our fan club office tomorrow...are you interested in lunch?" I asked her.

"Absolutely! How about we go to Godfrey's? I can meet you there at 1ish!" Jo suggested.

"Sounds good...see you at 1ish..." I replied. "Till then..." I added and made a kissing sound in the phone as I hung up. Brian came in wearing only his briefs and slid into bed next to me. 

"How is your girlfriend?" Brian asked me as he got comfortable. I smiled at his reference to Jo. 

"She's good! We have a hot lunch date tomorrow!" I told him with a wink. 

"Maybe I should tip off the press so they can get some pictures of you together?" he countered as he turned to lay on his side facing me. I was sliding down to lay on my back and first turned off the lamp. Brian pulled the blankets up over us both. 

"Maybe I'll kiss her for good measure!" I challenged back and Brian swatted my chest. I giggled at his reaction.

"Now why would you want to kiss her when you've got me?" he asked as me as I felt his hand move over and caress my head. 

"I don't know...maybe because you've been giving all your kisses to Jimi lately..." I said to him with honesty. I wasn't angry at him but did feel left out a bit since Jimi had arrived. We have both been so busy with the kids and with work there hasn't been much time for us. We'd hardly been alone between traveling and being with the band and with Clare, Tiger Lily and even Alli. By the time we'd made it to our hotel room after our shows it was late and we were tired. A few nights of the tour we ended up with Tiger Lily in bed with us as she woke up and wanted us since she knew we were in the next room. Sharing the attention with her baby brother wasn't always going over well with her and she was clingy at times.

"Can I make it up to you now?" Brian asked me as he shifted over on the bed closer to me and laid a hand on my chest.

"You might.." I answered with an indecisive tone. A smirk formed on my mouth as he moved up and pressed his lips to mine. It felt good. Really good. We began kissing with more intent and Brian pulled me towards him. His mouth was warm and inviting. I was hopeful this would lead to a higher level of intimacy. I ran my hand over his chest and began to reach down to slip it inside his briefs when there was a knock on our bedroom door. We ceased our kissing and pressed our foreheads together as I sighed and pulled the covers away to slip out of bed. Since I was the only one with pajamas on, it was up to me to answer.

"Who is it?" I asked as I watched Brian slide down underneath the blanket. I didn't hear any answer but the knock on the door repeated as I reached it. I pulled the door open to find Tiger Lily standing in the hallway dragging her blanket and sucking her thumb. We had put her to bed an hour ago but apparently we were unsuccessful. 

"Hey baby girl...." I said to her and squatted down in front of her. "Can you not sleep?" I asked. She shook her head without removing her thumb from her mouth. I know her doing this is partly to do with Jimi's arrival in our lives. "I suppose you want to sleep in here?" I asked her. She pulled her thumb out of her mouth and thrust her arms out at me. I gave in and reached for her and lifted her up. She instantly clung to me as I got the door closed and began carrying her to bed. Brian immediately slipped out of bed and went to his dresser for some pajama bottoms. Tigs rubbed her eye as I sat her down on the mattress.

"She sleeping here?" Brian asked me quietly. I nodded and he smiled as he pulled on his pajamas. "Alright..." he answered and walked back to bed. "Is she wearing a nappy?" he asked me and I looked down and peeked inside her pajama bottoms. 

"Yeah...she's good.." I replied. We all got settled and Tiger chose to sleep between us as usual and rolled on her side to face Brian. I got up behind her and put my arm around her as we all gave in to our travel fatigue and I conceded a night of passion with my husband.

\---21st May 1977---

"I'll have a cobb salad and an order of croissants.." Jo said as we gave our food order to the waiter. I sipped my Bloody Mary as Jo stirred her Mai Thai with a cocktail straw. The man wrote down her order and disappeared from the table. 

"Eating bread today? Aren't you adventurous?" I teased and she smirked at me before taking a drink.

"I'm famished and need some nourishment...and I love their croissants..." she remarked. Jo had a glow about her today and seemed liked she had a secret. Her mood was above par.

"What's got you so ravenous?" I inquired as she sat with a pleased look on her face. 

"To be completely honest....I met someone last night..." she answered and drew a devilish grin on her mouth. It was clear she had slept with this someone from the expression on her face. Jo took the straw from her cocktail and bit down on the end. Yeah - she fucked him!

"You dirty bird! You got laid last night... didn't you?" I remarked with mock disdain. Jo laughed and proceeded to slide the small straw into her mouth until barely the end of it was visible. "Well who is he?" I asked her. Curious to know. She pulled the straw out and seemed to ignore me as she had a sip of her drink. Her eyes then met mine.

"Jealous drummer boy?" she countered instead of answering. I leaned forward and rested my chin in my hand.

"No....just envious....it's been a while for me.....the baby and all..." I commented casually to her. Her smile faded a little.

"Sorry Rog...I didn't mean to gloat.." she said with empathy. I reached over and took her hand.

"Jo....it's fine! You listen to me all the time talk about my love life....really it's good....so tell me...who is he?" I encouraged to her. She seemed to lighten at my words.

"Well....his name is Henry and he's a consultant of some type....I'm not sure what exactly...but he drove a nice car and he has quite the wit!" she explained to me. I was thrilled to hear she met someone. Jo had experienced a dry spell of late with men and couldn't get excited about anyone she met. This was good news for my friend. I smiled widely at her as I kept hold of her hand.

"That's great Jo!" I responded. "Can I ask if he offered you anything else worth bragging about?" I asked her in a teasing manner. Jo lowered her eyelids and then smiled wickedly.

"Let's just say I found myself sore in all the right places this morning.." she answered coyly. I let go of her hand and gasped in feigned shock as I put my hand on my chest. I let up and smiled genuinely at her.

"I'm happy for you....I'm thrilled you actually found someone you like.." I told her with sincerity. The waiter approached with her basket of pastries and we got busy eating and drinking and gossiping. Our main courses arrived and we polished those off along with a shared dessert. We finished our meal and after I paid the check we got up to leave. As we stepped out of the restaurant in the hotel it was housed in I heard the whir of a high speed camera. I looked around and only caught a glimpse of a man ducking into a car. It took off right after the door closed. I wondered if my photo had been taken and found it odd since Brian had made that remark last night. I shrugged it off and we went to my car to drive back to her place.

"Are you still upset about that business with the interviews?" Jo asked me as we parked in front of her building. I am but felt like I had already whined enough about it.

"I am....but we can talk about something else..." I answered as we went inside. We got to her flat and she went to make some tea for us.

"I've got some new records if you want to put something on..." she told me. I went to her stereo and looked through the small stack sitting on her turntable. I noticed a few I was interested in having myself. I set them down and noticed the album sitting in front of her stack was that record I played a while back when I was staying here. I remembered how much I liked that one track and decided to have another listen. I know it is one of Jo's favorites. I set it up and placed the needle down. Jo's face was lit up as she walked in with two mugs of tea. 

"Hey!" she remarked as she came up and handed me a cup. "This song really grew on you.." It had and something occurred to me as we stood and enjoyed the song and the tea. 

"Can I borrow this record?"

\-------------------------

I was so enthused as I drove home and kept glancing at the album laying on the seat next to me in the car. A million ideas ran through my head as I determined how I might want to do a cover of the song. I arrived home to find domesticity rearing it's head at me. I left the album in the music room and got busy helping Tiger Lily with a puzzle and gave Jimi one of his bottles before we all sat down to eat some dinner. Soon I was helping clean up the dishes and Brian was holding Jimi as Clare went to go pump some more milk. Alli helped me finish up with the kitchen and Brian waved me over.

"Tigs has on her panties tonight...ask her if she thinks she needs to use the toilet..." he asked me. I nodded understanding and went into the living room where Tigs was playing with some blocks. 

"Hey baby girl....do you want to try and use to toilet tonight?" I suggested when I got her attention. She looked pensive for a moment.

"Potty..." she commented to me and stood up from her spot on the carpet. I gestured for her to follow me.

"Let's go then..." I replied and she came over and took my hand as we walked to the downstairs loo. We had put training chairs in each bathroom and I stepped inside as she followed. "Lift the lid and you can sit for a bit to see if you can go..." I explained to her. She had a dress on so getting her situated was easy. She took a seat and I smiled at her as we waited. "Do you feel anything? Think you might feel the need to wee?" I inquired. Her face seemed blank as she sat there. 

"Don't know..." she answered and seemed uncertain. I hoped we might get lucky tonight. It was close to bedtime. After several minutes I realized we needed to give up. 

"Alright...we gave it a try...let's get up..." I said to her and felt a little disappointed nothing happened. Tigs stood up and I watched as she got her panties pulled back up. She managed with her dress as well and we both headed upstairs to get ready for bed. I got a nightgown for her and we were beginning to slide it over her head when she stopped me.

"Pee Papa!" she told me and I whipped the nightgown from her head and took her hand as we hurried to the bathroom. Before she could get seated she starting going and made a mess on the floor and on her legs. Her face erupted in tears as she stood and looked down at her wet panties, legs and the puddle beneath her.

"Oh baby! It's okay! Don't cry sweetheart...it's just an accident..." I told her and felt awful for our failed attempt to get here in time. I avoided the mess below her as I pulled her in for a hug. She shed some fat tears as I patted her back and then gently pulled her away from me. "Let's get cleaned up alright?" I suggested. "No harm done....you're going to have some accidents Tigs...it's okay..." I wiped at her tears as she calmed down and then found some baby wipes to clean her up. She stopped crying after we pulled off her soiled underwear and wiped her down. I sat her down on the big toilet so I could clean her feet and the floor. 

"Clean up!" she told me and sounded a bit more lighthearted as I tossed the dirty wipes in the bin. I stood up to wash my hands and then helped Tigs get down. We headed back to her room for a story and bedtime. She picked the Cinderella book and I read it to her as we looked at the illustrations. When it ended with the happy ever after I smiled and kissed her goodnight before I got up and turned on her night light and left her room. I found Brian in the nursery with Jimi and went in to watch him changing a nappy. 

"How did it go?" he asked as he threw out the dirty nappy and got Jimi dressed for bed. I stood by the cot as I observed his expert technique.

"Partly successful.." I answered. "When we first tried she didn't go.. but I was dressing her for bed and she told me she needed to pee...so I hurried her to the loo but she had an accident before we got to the chair..." Brian looked sympathetic as he carried Jimi over towards me.

"That's too bad...but at least she recognized she had to go..." he said with encouragement. We both kissed Jimi goodnight and Brian got him situated in his cot. We left the room and Brian yawned. 

"Are you interested in some tv?" he asked me. I wasn't opposed so we went down to the living room. 

"We need a television for our bedroom.." I commented to him as we got settled and began watching the nightly news. There was a story about rising divorce rates in light of the economic hardships occurring in England right now. Inflation had risen dramatically and forced many people into poverty level existence. Jobs were still scarce as well. I felt fortunate for our situation as we ingested all the bad news. The show ended and a film started. My head was swirling with the events of today and I couldn't focus on the movie. "I'm going to be in the music room for a while..." I told Brian and got up to leave. 

"Feeling inspired?" he asked as he kissed me. I nodded and left the room. I went and found my notebook and placed The Parliaments record on the turntable. I sat and listened to it as I pondered how I could redo this song. I wasn't confident the guys would be interested in doing a cover but I felt strongly about this. Some words came to mind as I replayed the track and I soon found myself writing out a whole new version of lyrics. I considered a faster version of the instrumental to accompany my words and grabbed a guitar I had procured a while back. I plugged it into the amplifier and got it tuned. I listened to the record again and worked out the notes to strum a basic riff. I decided to make a demo tape with some of the newer equipment we had. I set it up to record and before I could start Brian walked in the room.

"I think I'm heading to bed...you ready yet?" he said as he leaned in the doorway and yawned. I wasn't. I really wanted to get a demo made since we were leaving for our tour dates tomorrow. 

"I want to make a demo...then I'll be up..." I answered. Brian walked over and peeked at my notebook and smiled at me. He gave me a quick kiss.

"Don't be too late..." he told me as he left the room. I turned my attention back to the machine and got busy. 

\---23nd May 1977---

"You ready to go?" Brian asked me as I tied my shoes. I nodded and stood up and pulled on my jacket. He was kissing Tiger Lily and I walked over and gave Jimi a quick kiss as Clare held on to him. I then got a smooch from my daughter as we said goodbye to everyone and headed out to my car. We slid in and took off for London. Our first British show was in Bristol tonight and the group were leaving from our offices in London. It felt a little ridiculous to drive east into town so we could turn around and head west again for Bristol. We planned to discuss our next album as we rode in a limo to our destination. After we arrived at Queen headquarters the limo picked us up and we headed out. Freddie pulled out a new issue of Melody Maker. He read it and passed it around. I wasn't surprised to find much more than a sentence that referenced my name in the article about our American tour and shoved the newspaper towards Brian.

I wasn't surprised to find much more than a sentence that referenced my name in the article about our American tour and shoved the newspaper towards Brian   
I watched as Brian read all the references to himself. He seemed satisfied as he handed it off to Deacy. 

"Enjoy reading about yourselves?" I asked Brian and Freddie with a touch of irritation in my voice. Brian caught on to my annoyance.

"What are you getting at?" he remarked as Deacy handed the paper back to Freddie.

"It must be nice to actually have something written about you is all..." I commented to them. Freddie rolled his eyes at me.

"We can't control what the papers choose to right about Rog and you know it..." Freddie reminded me curtly. "Don't take it out on us...." He was right. It wasn't their fault.

"Why can't they say more than a bloody sentence though?" I asked them seriously. "Deaks and I got mentioned in one fucking sentence!" I pointed out to them. Brian looked troubled.

"I don't know why Rog....the important thing is that we know you matter and so do the fans...and I thought you didn't give a crap about what the papers said about you anyway..." his words stung a little as there was some truth in it. 

"I guess I'd rather have something nasty written about me than nothing at all.." I confessed. Deacy had been quiet but seemed like he wanted to say something. "What do you think?" I asked him. Deacy shrugged and it only served to annoy me.

"Sorry Rog...I just don't need the spotlight like you do...." he said with honesty. It struck a nerve with me as he was right. It seemed like I was mad I wasn't in the spotlight at all. Even for the wrong reasons. I decided to let this go and just focus on our shows. But I was going to do something about it. I just needed a plan.


	101. I'm the Invisible Man - Part 2

23rd May 1977

London to Bristol

Roger's POV

"Can we talk about our next album?" Deacy suddenly asked to change the topic. That was fine by me because I had plenty to say about this as well.

"Fine by me..." I agreed and the others appeared relieved I had dropped my moaning about our press coverage. Freddie shoved his Melody Maker paper into his bag.

"So what are you thinking?" Deacy asked me. I appreciated him asking my opinion first and not automatically deferring to the others. I smiled gratefully at him.

"Well...I think we should take a new approach....maybe less complexity and try to get back to basics..." I offered. "Try and move away from so much production on every track and keep it simple..."

"Is simple in our vocabulary?" Freddie questioned but seemed more amused than annoyed. 

"Maybe not...but we could move closer to it than we are now..." I countered. Brian looked interested in what I was saying which encouraged me. 

"I think that would be a good next step..." Brian commented. "I've got some ideas that would work in that vein..." I felt enthused that I was getting a positive reaction. I waited on Freddie though.

"It is something we haven't done yet...it would not just be more of the same..." I offered to Freddie. He seemed to be thinking about my words and was silent.

"I like it...." Deacy remarked with a bright face. We shared a warm expression between us.

"I think you may be onto something Rog....and to be perfectly honest...it would be nice not spending 6 months in the studio for a change..." Freddie finally rendered an opinion and I felt victorious upon hearing his words. A satisfied smile formed on my face. "Tell me dear...do you already have something in the works for this new record?" Freddie asked me as I sat and savored my win.

"As a matter of fact I do..." I answered smugly. Freddie looked impressed. 

"Do tell!" he said with enthusiasm. 

"I have reworked a song from The Parliaments...it's.." before I could finish the look on Freddie's face told me he didn't like my idea so I stopped talking. I then decided to proceed to get the other's feelings on the matter. "It's that song 'I Wanna Testify'...but I've sped it up and changed the lyrics.." I explained. I watched everyone for their response to my idea.

"I don't know Roger....we've not done any covers.." Deacy remarked to me. 

"But you haven't even heard it yet..." I argued. 

"But it's not who we are as a group..." Deacy said back to me. I know we haven't made cover songs a consideration before since we all write, but I liked my idea and felt strongly about it.

"He is right Rog....we've made a point to avoid covers...and we all write plenty so we've always got enough songs for our records....I have to agree with him...it's not who we are..." Brian told me with sincerity.

"I have to concur Roger....I agree with what they've said...it's not us....we're not a cover band.." Freddie chimed in. 

"I'll just do it as my track and I can sing it...." I threw back at them all, feeling a bit dejected by my band mates. Slightly annoyed that Brian so quickly took their side. 

"We're not having a cover song on a Queen record.....end of story..." Freddie told me with a firmness in his tone. 

"That's rich coming from us... you know....we love everything that Zeppelin does and they've re-worked a lot of songs.....why can't we do one?" I argued to them all. It was clear from their expressions that they were all in agreement.

"The answer is no!" Freddie told me with a sense of finality to it. 

"Sorry..." Brian added and seemed to want to soothe the rejection. He shifted in his seat in the limo to take my hand but I wasn't interested in his comfort right now. I ignored his offer and moved my hands. I turned to look out the window of the limo and wondered how much longer we had until we arrived. 

"When do you want to start recording?" Deacy suddenly asked out loud. 

"Not before July....our last show is on the 7th and we could use some time off beforehand...I want to work on some material and I'm sure everyone else does as well....I'll see what studios are available in mid July...." Freddie responded.

"That would be nice...we could take some time and enjoy the Queen's Jubilee.." Deacy replied. "My neighborhood is doing a street party..." he informed us. I refused to enter into small talk right now as I was pissed at them all. I blocked out their banter and decided to stew in my anger until we arrived. My drums were going to take a beating tonight. 

\---------------------------------

Our premier night on our British tour went very well and we were all in good form. I played my heart out and put all my fury and temper into my performance. When the show finished I was still left with my resolve. I wanted to do this song and wasn't ready to give in. As we took our bows at the end of the show I decided I would try another tactic to argue my point. We donned our robes at the stage edge and walked to our dressing room. Everyone was in good spirits so it felt like the right time. We got inside and spent some time cleaning up and then visited with a few backstage guests. There were some winners of a local radio promotion and we posed for photos and gave autographs to the lucky fans. After a while only our crew remained and a small party started that continued back at the hotel. Everyone enjoyed some drinks in the bar and I was feeling the effects of too many beers. I hadn't really drank heavily since our tour in America. Our group was gathered at some tables pushed together in a corner of the bar. As we all laughed and got a little drunker I felt bold and decided to bring up my new argument. I stood up and raised my glass of beer to everyone. It was all smiles as they watched me begin my toast.

"To the best fucking band in the whole wide fucking world!" I announced and everyone cheered as I drank down the rest of my glass and took a seat again. Brian was seated by Deacy tonight and I was by Freddie. I grabbed a fresh glass of beer and stared over at Freddie. He leaned in towards me with his own glass and we clinked ours together.

"Cheers!" Freddie commented as we both drank. I wiped my mouth and smiled at him.

"Our show went over well...don't you think?" I asked him as he sipped his beer.

"Yes...it did...the audience reaction boded well for us..." I kept my eye on him and decided to go for it.

"It seems like our encore numbers get a great response every night...wouldn't you agree?" I said as bait. Freddie nodded agreement as he set down his glass and swallowed.

"They do....yes.." he answered and looked interested in where my conversation was going.

"So why is it we can do cover songs in our encore but they aren't good enough for our records?" I asked him bluntly and his face immediately formed a scowl. He set his beer glass down firmly and glared at me.

"Because a live performance grants us opportunities to do something extra...to give something we don't give on our records!" he threw back at me with ire in his tone. "Our albums are reserved for our utmost artistry and that is why we write songs!" his voice grew more irritated with each word. But so did my feelings on the matter.

"So I guess it's still a no then?" I asked him bluntly. 

"It will remain no Roger....I won't change my mind!" he replied with force. I emptied my beer down my throat and stood up from the table and began walking out of the bar. 

"Roger! Don't be a shit about it!" Freddie remarked to me as I left. I reached my hand up and flipped him off as I disappeared into the hotel lobby. I went straight to my room and took a hot shower to console my body and my feelings. My head filled with bad thoughts about my friends and I tried to stave off my dark side as I turned off the shower and toweled off. I stood in front of the foggy mirror and leaned over to wipe it clean. My hair was a mess on top of my head and I looked back at my reflection in the smeared glass. All I saw was my hair and my face and my body and thought about those images and articles in those papers and magazines. I had become nothing but sexual fodder. A pretty thing for the fans to ogle and wasn't worth much else. No one seemed interested in talking about my musicianship or my thoughts about anything of relevance. I was practically a prop!

I flopped down on the bed in my towel and turned on the radio on the nightstand. I tuned it to Capital Radio and laid back on the mattress. A forgettable song was playing and I sighed and closed my eyes as I tried to let go of the resentment that had built towards my group. 

"That was Tavares with their latest single and here is the new track by E.L.O. .." the disc jockey announced. I hadn't heard their new song and tried to shift my focus on it instead of my head. It was a most bizarre key that the song started in and had a telephone ringing in the background. I was intrigued. It felt dramatic. Really different.

Hello, how are you?

Have you been alright through all those lonely  
Lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely nights?  
That's what I'd say, I'd tell you everything  
If you pick up that telephone, yeah, yeah, yeah  
Hey, how you feelin'?  
Are you still the same, don't you realize the things we did  
We did were all for real, not a dream  
I just can't believe they've all faded out

Of view, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh 

The song began a series of Doo Wops that reminded me of the old vintage rockers from the late 50's and early 60's. See - even E.L.O wasn't opposed to covering something from the past and making it fresh again! I kept listening.

Blue days, black nights..doo wah...doo.lang..a..a..ang...

I look into the sky (the love you need ain't gonna see you through)  
And I wonder why (the little things you planned ain't comin' true)  
Oh, oh, telephone line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight  
Oh, oh, telephone line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight 

Okay, so no one's answering

Well, can't you just let it ring a little longer  
Longer, longer oh, I'll just sit tight  
Through shadows of the night  
Let it ring forever more, oh....

I was enjoying this new sound on the radio when the door to the room opened and Brian came in. My mood instantly soured at the look on his face. I felt a lecture coming and wasn't up for it. He walked over and sat down on the bed near me and leaned over.

"What is going on?" Brian asked me and sounded more concerned than annoyed. I was relieved he wasn't going to chew me out. I sighed and turned down the radio. 

"I'm not happy with the decision to not let me do that cover...." I confessed to him. Brian tried to avoid looking irked but I could see it in his face. 

"We voted on it Rog...it was a democratic decision...as it has always been..." he informed me as he spoke softly. "I'm sorry you're disappointed but you're going to have to let it go..." I rolled away from him to avoid seeing his face right now. I felt a little bad about being stubborn but knew there was more to this than just my song idea. 

"So I guess that is it then? I am just supposed to resign myself to being a pin up boy for the rest of my days?" I said and knew I sounded pouty but didn't care.

"What does that have to do with your song?' he asked me with a sense of confusion. Brian placed his hand on my hip and leaned over towards me. "I'm not sure what you mean.."

"Never mind...I'm going to bed.." I told him. I suddenly didn't feel like talking about it. Tired of not feeling heard or understood today. 

"Hey!" Brian replied. "We're supposed to talk things out....remember?" If he wanted to listen then I would talk. But I hoped for some understanding. 

"Fine! I'll tell you!" I answered. "I feel like I've become everything I feared that day when Peter said (1) I was to be the poster boy for the group Brian! All those years ago...you remember?" I said to him with passion. "Remember when Peter told me every band has a pin up and I am Queens and I fought him on it and said I wanted to be taken seriously and didn't want that role?" I asked Brian. He apparently recalled that fateful meeting with Trident all those years back and nodded confirmation to me. I was glad he remembered it because I sure didn't. "That day I argued my position that if they put too much focus on my looks that I would lose credibility as a musician and that is exactly what's happened!" I explained to him with an edge of anger in my voice. "I've become nothing more than a model for their clothes and an afterthought in any show review!" I informed him. Brian shook his head and ran his hand over my leg.

"That's not true Rog...that's not who you are..." he responded and gave me an empathetic face. I sat up and felt like he had not really heard me. I was irritated with him for not realizing how I saw things. How it felt to me inside. 

"You may not think that is the way things are...but it is how I see it...how I feel Bri..." I told him and ran my hands over my face to try and calm down a little. "It's my feelings..." I said again. Brian reached up and touched my cheek as I moved my hand away.

"I'm sorry you feel that way....I'm sorry it seems like that's all they write about you lately...I know...and the band knows...you are so much more than your face Rog.....I hope you know that deep down.." he told me gently. "Queen would never be Queen without you....you are such a strong element of our success.." His words felt a little hollow right now but I know he meant what he said to me. It wasn't entirely fair to take out all my anger on him. I was tired and decided to drop it for tonight. I just nodded to him and he smiled at me.

"Maybe I'm just tired..." I responded finally and Brian ran his thumb over my cheek as he looked at me. 

"Maybe....we've certainly had some sleepless nights recently..." he reminded me and I instantly thought of our children and couldn't help a small grin that formed on my lips. Despite the interruptions to sleep from Jimi needing feeding or changing and Tigs stealing into our bed, I wasn't upset with them in the slightest. This was definitely a good thing going in my life right now. The best actually. Brian saw my smile and formed one of his own.

"I could do with some real sleep..." I answered honestly.

"We both can...let's get some rest and we'll talk some more about it....alright?" he said with care. I felt comforted that he agreed to discuss it more. Brian leaned over and kissed me. He then got up from the bed. "Let me change and let's enjoy a quiet night..." he suggested as he pulled off his shirt. I nodded and got up and then got settled under the blankets. Brian was soon in his pajama bottoms and crawling in next to me. I turned to switch the lamp off and Brian pulled me into his arms. It felt good and I rolled into him for some real comfort.

\----------------------------

Brian's POV

The discussion we had last night remained in my head as I laid in bed and listened to Roger talking to Jo on the telephone. I was relieved to hear him sound like his old self and half listened to their conversation. Jo had apparently met someone and Roger was asking how things were going between them. He was enjoying their conversation and I was happy for him to find a distraction. I finally got up and went into the adjoining hotel room, which was mine on the hotel register, and made a point to mess up the bedclothes for appearance sake. I picked up the telephone to order some breakfast. I placed the order for us both and read some of the front page stories on my newspaper. I finished and began going through my suitcase to pull out some clothes for the day. Roger appeared in the doorway and leaned in looking at me.

"Did you remember to get me a side of pancakes?" he asked. I nodded and he smiled. I was curious why he asked for them as he usually didn't order them when he got a full English breakfast. 

"Why the extra food?" I asked him as I laid out my clothes. He smiled at me and then patted his stomach.

"Maybe if I get a bit fat they won't want me posing for any more cheesecake photos..." he remarked to me and disappeared into his room. His words weighed on me heavily as I heard him turn his shower on. Why did he feel he needed to change his looks in any way? I was bothered by this as I heard a knock on the room door. 

"Room service..." I heard the waiter announce. I went and answered and signed for the food after he wheeled in his cart. I pondered every word Roger said to me last night as I made my tea. I realized this issue was bigger than the tantrum he had yesterday. Bigger than his desire for a cover song on our next record. I sat the tea cup down and went to the telephone. I needed to make a call before Roger got out of the shower.

"Hello..."

"Hey Clare....it's me..look..I need to say this quickly before Rog hears me...but I think you and the kids should stay home for this leg of the tour..." I said in a hurry into the phone. 

"Is something the matter?" she asked me right away. 

"Rog is feeling a bit down right now and it's a long story...but I think I need to spend some time alone with him....it's only until we finish in Liverpool...we'd be back on the 4th....would that be a problem?" I asked her. I knew Alli was getting ready to return to Truro and her mother was already back home. 

"It should be fine....Alli can stay...it's not like she has a job waiting on her....there aren't any jobs out there..." Clare replied. I was reminded of the crap economy and felt like we should offer something to Alli for her troubles. We did pay her for coming with us on the European leg to help out. I was happy to keep paying her for her assistance.

"Tell Alli if she can stay I will make it worth her while..." I told her. "But help me out...what can I say to Roger about why you're not traveling with us..." I said to her and listened for the sound of the shower.

"Brian...just stick to the truth....it's much easier and Roger will appreciate how thoughtful you are....and don't worry....we will be fine..." Clare assured me. I heard the shower stop and knew Roger would come in at any moment. He knew the food would be here. 

"You're right...I'll just tell him...thanks Clare and tell Alli thanks as well...we will see you tomorrow..." I said and quietly hung up the phone as I heard the door to Roger's bathroom open. I walked back over to get my cup and he came padding in my room wearing only a towel around his waist as he dried his hair with another one.

"Oh good! I'm hungry..." he remarked as he took a seat at the small table. I set his covered dishes down in front of him and prepared his tea as he removed the lids and surveyed his food. "Thanks.." he said as I handed him his tea. I got my own food sorted and sat opposite him as he began eating his meal. I buttered and jammed my toast as I watched him devour his food. I glanced at the stack of pancakes waiting on him and felt the need to say something.

"Rog...can you promise me something?" I asked him carefully. He was chewing a bite but nodded at me. "Can you please just eat your food because you're hungry and you want to eat it and not because you want to make a point?" Roger stopped chewing and looked me right in the eye. I seemed to have got to him somehow. He sat down his fork and finished chewing and then swallowed his food. He took a sip of tea to wash it down and then sighed.

"You're right Bri....it's not going to fix the problem.." he said and gingerly eyed the plate of pancakes sitting on the table. His face grew lighter and he smiled a little. "I think I know what might really help..." he offered to me. I felt heartened to see him perk up and smiled at him.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked and he got a confident look on his face. He pushed his plate away and picked up his tea cup.

"I'm going to make a solo record...." he informed me with great pride in his voice.

My breathing stopped when I understood what he said to me. A solo record? I fought with myself to not display the alarm I felt inside. What did this mean? Was he going to quit the band? Why is this happening? I clenched my hands in my lap as I felt the urge to take hold of my hair. Was my world going to change in an instant? What did this mean to us? I knew I had to tread carefully and not start an argument. His loose hold on his temper yesterday and his emotion last night told me this is a delicate situation.

"A solo record?" I said with the utmost attempt to sound only curious and not panicked. Roger nodded at me and set his tea cup down. He leaned on the table with his elbows and laced his fingers together.

"Well...why not? None of you want this song for our next album and I really want to do it....so I just thought I'd record it by myself..." he explained to me. I wasn't sure how to ask him what this meant about his future in the band. I was too afraid to know his answer and my heart rate escalated at the thought.

"What about Queen?" I finally asked without giving away the fear that was building inside me. Roger kept his smile and stood up from his chair. He walked over to me and proceeded to sit on my lap. I immediately put my arms around him and hoped he couldn't feel my pounding heartbeat in my chest. He looked down at me with a loving expression and I prayed he wasn't trying to use his charm to break the bad news to me.

"Relax Brian! I just want to record this one song and put it out...get it out of my system...and then we can focus on the new album...alright?" he sounded sincere and calm so I decided to believe him and discreetly let out my breath. Roger leaned in to kiss me and I was glad to find my own sense of calm in his affection.

"If it's important to you...then you have my support..." I told him sincerely. I was just so relieved he wasn't talking about leaving the group I would agree to whatever he wanted. We shared another kiss and Roger moved around in my lap to straddle me. In the process his towel came loose from his waist and slipped off. I slid my arms around his waist to hold him in place and he put his arms on my shoulders.

"Thanks Bri...it means a lot.." he said as he began kissing me with more purpose. I pressed my hands into his soft waist and moaned at the feel of his naked body pressing into my clothed lap and stomach. "I don't want to be the band's poster boy any more..." he told me as he began placing tender kisses on my face and neck as I shifted in the chair and leaned back a little to give him more access. "I only want to be your pin up boy...." he whispered in my ear. The reminder that I am the only one he wants seeing him in a sexual way made me feel heartened inside and hard on the outside. It was a powerful turn on. Roger pinched my nipple as he sucked on my neck and it had been so long since we really had sex that it became almost too much. My hands slid down and squeezed his bottom. Roger moaned into my neck and I moaned in response as I moved one hand around his front side to take hold of his cock that was hard against my stomach. As soon as I began stroking him I realized we had an interview in about half an hour. Neither of us were dressed and I needed a shower. Shit! I sighed in defeat and let go of his cock as I patted his bottom with my other hand.

"Rog....we've got a press conference in 30 minutes..." I reminded him. He groaned against my neck and pinched my nipple again in frustration.

"Well fuck!" he remarked as he leaned back to look at me. His grimace softened and we kissed gently. "Tonight! After the show!" he told me intently. I nodded agreement as he slid from my lap and I felt letdown as he picked up his towels but didn't bother to cover up his beautiful body and erection as he walked back into his own room through the connecting door. I looked down at the large bulge in my pajama pants and considered a quick wank while in the shower.

We both got ready and left our rooms for the conference that was being done in the open air courtyard of the hotel. As we rode in the lift it occurred to me that Roger should not tell the others about his plans while we are on the road. I wasn't sure what their reaction would be and didn't need any discourse that could impact our performances. 

"Hey Rog....let's not mention your plans to the others until we're back in London..." I said casually. Roger smiled at me and nodded.

"Alright..." he replied. I felt better as we stepped off the lift and went to the designated meeting area. Deacy, Freddie and Peter Brown were waiting for us. We stepped out into the courtyard to find quite a few reporters and photographers present. Several pictures were taken as we entered and we were asked to go stand by a brick wall for some posed shots for the press. Despite Roger's grumblings about the press to us yesterday he was professional and posed as he usually would for pictures. It was a nice day despite some cloud cover and we found our way over to the long table set up with chairs and microphones and took our seats. The reporters moved in towards the front of the table to get our attention as Roger lit a cigarette and I moved an ashtray his way from the corner of the table.

"I'll call on you for your questions if you please...we can start with you sir..." I watched Peter instruct the journalists. He pointed at a man I recognized from some prior interviews.

"Thank you!" the polite journalist responded. "So gentleman....how does it feel to be having your Silver Jubilee?" the reporter teased at us. It was a fun way to break the ice today. Queen Elizabeth is having her Silver Jubilee celebrations this year and her biggest celebration is in a few weeks. The press had already dubbed our British leg as the 'Jubilee tour' as a result. We all laughed at his remark.

"I feel ever so young!" Freddie quipped with a giggle and a happy grin. "We do love her majesty..but she's not really that rock and roll!" he added to his comment. The press liked what they heard and raised their hands. Peter pointed at another one.

"There is a rumor you have a surprise coming at your Earl's Court shows...any hints?" the reporter asked us. We weren't ready to reveal our new stage design just yet. We had arranged separate promotion for our London shows. I decided to answer since the others seemed lost as to what to say.

"We do have something special planned for our locals fans...and all will be revealed the day of..." I announced. Peter seemed grateful for my answer and the reporters guessed we weren't telling anything else for now. Another reporter was chosen.

"You haven't had a number one single with this album...like you did with the last...any guess as to why your current singles haven't fared as well?" the reporter asked us. I felt this was a somewhat loaded question. Freddie offered a response.

"I think 7 top twenty singles in the past few years says a lot for us...don't you think?" he countered with a hint of arrogance. "Not many other acts can make that claim..." he added as a challenge to the reporter. The man seemed to accept that as a fair argument. We all looked a bit smug as the man made some notes. Peter flagged another reporter.

"Any truth to the rumors you're breaking up?" this question had entered the dialogue in the past year and seemed to be a token inquiry of any successful act. I tried to avoid rolling my eyes at the press contingent. I pondered answering but was beat to it. 

"Right mate! We've all got our solo records planned out!" Roger told him and my heart stopped for a moment as I wondered if he was saying more than he should right now. The others didn't bat an eye at his remark so I tried to smile and join in the laughter. The questions continued and were mostly general inquiries about our setlist and Freddie's stage costumes. I was asked a question about my guitar and Deacy was complimented on his bass playing on 'Millionaire Waltz'. I noticed as we went on that Roger was never asked a direct question. I started to see a little of what he was telling me. I listened intently and hoped for the best as our interview wound down.

"A few more questions and then we will need to wrap up..." Peter announced. He pointed to a female reporter who smiled graciously at being chosen. 

"I wanted to congratulate Brian on his recent foray into fatherhood...I understand you had a son..." I was surprised by this question and felt a little awkward talking about Jimi to the press. I also felt bad that this was directed solely at me since it is Roger's child as well. But of course, they don't know that. I smiled at the journalists as Deacy patted my shoulder and grinned at me. 

"Thank you....yes...I have a son...he was born at the end of March...." I answered and didn't really want to say much more. I really wanted to say that Roger and I are the proud parents of a perfect baby boy. That wasn't going to happen. The woman appeared dissatisfied. 

"Any details for your fans?" she asked me pointedly. I hesitated and tried to figure out what I could give her to satisfy her curiosity. I felt protective about the children and didn't like how much they already knew about Tiger Lily. Everything about our private life came with a risk.

"To be honest...I prefer not to say..." I finally answered. She looked put out by my response.

"We know the names of John and Roger's children...can we at least let the fans know what you named him?" she asked as she pushed the issue. I felt Roger's thigh up against mine and knew he was trying to give me support. 

"Not everything about our private lives is your business..." Freddie suddenly commented. He looked straight at her. "Next you'll want to know what brand of cereal I eat in the morning!" he complained with a hint of humor. I worried the reporters would get mad at our handling of this. 

"Would that be Weetabix or Frosted Flakes?" a reporter shouted at him with amusement. Freddie grinned at the query and casually looked my way with a slight wink.

"Now you know it has to be the one with the frosting darling!" he quipped back and they all began laughing. I was grateful to Freddie for his adept interruption. Peter pointed to the man who made the cereal joke. He nodded affirmation to him.

"This is for Roger..." he informed us and Roger brightened at the chance to answer something. I noticed Roger trying to focus on the reporter's face and I realized he didn't have his glasses with him. "Speaking of private lives....is it true that you and Brian are still living together?" he bluntly asked us. Roger's thigh slammed into mine and we both physically froze a little.

"It's you again!" Roger suddenly said to the reporter and sounded almost angry. It occurred to me that this might be the same reporter who had questioned him before about us. The man who wrote that article. Fuck! My heart rate shot up and I wondered what we should do. How to respond. I tried to remain calm or at least look like I was.

"Yes...Alan Lewis....News of The World...can you answer my question?" he asked Roger and then looked over at me for answers as well. The other reporters all appeared confused or a little shocked by his question.

"I think I answered all your questions last time we spoke Mr. Lewis...so I have no further comment..." Roger told him sharply. The reporter looked determined and I began to panic inside. He turned his attention to me.

"Well Brian....I haven't heard your answer...care to comment?" he said to me directly. I knew if I didn't say anything that every reporter in this room would leave wondering what this was about and only ask this scumbag for answers after the conference ended. I glanced over at Roger who was leering at the reporter with daggers in his eyes. There was no cute remark that Freddie could make to distract the press from this potential scandal. I took a deep breath and went to say something.

"I think this press conference is over..." Peter suddenly interjected. They all looked up at him like he had to be kidding and turned their gaze back on me. I knew there was no way to avoid this.

"Wait!" I said and looked straight into the faces of the reporters and pointedly ignored Alan Lewis. "I will answer his question and say yes....we do live in the same house...to be completely accurate..." I began. I would never give this man the satisfaction of saying any words that could be misconstrued. "Roger and I do share a house...and there are a few important reasons for this..." I explained to them. They all looked at me with bated breath. "I have a son with Roger's sister and she also happens to be Roger's nanny. She takes care of his daughter...." the reporter's seemed to follow what I was saying. "You need to understand that with recording and touring so much we spend a lot of time away from home...well...it is just easier for the children to be looked after properly and for me to have time with my son and my girlfriend..." I wanted to die when I called Clare my girlfriend to this roomful of people. If felt so dishonest and a betrayal of Roger. For some reason, having to say it to the public hurt.

"We are just trying to do what is right for our kids..." Roger suddenly said to the room. We had apparently got the right message across as there was sympathy and a hint of admiration in some of the eyes of the reporters. The sole female reporter practically had heart eyes as she wrote in her notebook.

"So that is why we've asked for some degree of privacy...for the sake of the children..." I added to Roger's comment. It seemed to strike the right chord with most of the people by their expressions. 

"That will be all...thank you ladies and gentleman for coming today..." Peter announced and walked over to stand in front of the table to block any further questions. The reporters all stood up and began to mill about. I wanted to find a way to get out of here and avoid any further contact with that sleazy tabloid journalist. Peter managed to keep the people at bay and all four of us made our escape into the hotel lobby. We grabbed the first lift we saw and Deacy pressed the floor button as we all stood and seemed a little shell shocked.

"That was uncomfortable..." Roger finally said out loud and we all shared a look of concern between us. Freddie's face showed his dismay at the direct question about our living arrangement.

"I had to say something!" I told them all as we shared troubled looks. "I couldn't let that man just tell everyone what he thought was the truth!" I argued. Freddie tried to appear sympathetic and softened his expression.

"I think you did the best you could under the circumstances...let's just hope no one took his bait..." Freddie offered to me and Roger both.

"Well..there goes our Jubilee right out the window!" Deacy quipped to us and we all shared a much needed laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) Story clarification - the 'Peter' Roger is referring to is their original handler that they had when they were signed with Trident. His name was Peter Winstone and featured primarily in the first installment of this series and the first few chapters of this current book. This is not the same Peter who represents them currently in this chapter. He is Peter Brown and was a real person. Peter Winstone was a fictional character and a representation of someone who did work for them in their early days. I needed to create a protagonist regarding their secret relationship.


	102. I'm The Invisible Man - Part 3

25th May 1977

London / Surrey

Brian's POV

Our brush with that News of The World reporter left us shaken a bit. It was apparent this man is determined to create a scandal for us. And for his newspaper readers. Roger and I made ourselves scarce during the remainder of our time in Bristol to avoid any further run in with Alan Lewis or other reporters. We hid in our rooms until showtime and were escorted through the hotel kitchen to a waiting car to go to the venue. Freddie and Deacy accompanied us to show it was a group choice to leave privately. No press was allowed backstage and we did our final show at the Hippodrome and returned to our hotel without even changing clothes. The next morning we all left the hotel in our hired car and traveled back to London. Peter Brown joined us for the ride.

"I spoke with Mr. Reid as well as Caroline about what happened..." Peter informed us as we took the motorway east. Peter had made sure the limo driver secured the privacy visor on the inside window before he began speaking to us. This was definitely a private conversation. "They had some ideas about what we can do to stave off any further speculation about you two..." Peter said directly to Roger and myself. I was all ears and so were the rest of them.

"Like what?" Roger asked him with concern. 

"For starters....you need to emphasize the relationships you have with your 'girlfriends.' " he said and made quotation marks with his hands as he spoke. "You need to let the public see you in the frequent company of these women.." 

"That makes sense....I guess when we go back out on the road tomorrow we can make sure Brian is only seen with Clare and I won't accompany them..." Roger suggested. It appeared our current behaviors were going to have to change and I didn't like it. I had never got the chance to tell Roger that I asked Clare to stay home. In light of what has happened, I can see now she has to go with us.

"Can you see if your friend Jo can accompany you on the rest of the tour?" Peter asked Roger. Roger shrugged slightly but then answered him. 

"I'll call her first thing..." he answered. My head was mulling over how we could present a desirable front to the public and something occurred to me. 

"How is Clare going to just be seen with just me when she is Tiger Lily's nanny?" I asked Roger. He patted my arm.

"We will figure it out..." he assured me and kept listening to Peter. I refocused on hearing what else Peter had to say.

"Ronnie is joining us tomorrow as well...maybe we can do a double date with them?" Deacy suggested. It was a good idea and Peter looked pleased at the thought.

"Marvelous! We can tip off someone to get some photos...or arrange for one of our people to take some and leak them to the press..." he thought out loud. Peter then turned his attention to me. "Now Brian....another idea was put forth and you may want to think about this further before you give us an answer but have you considered marrying Clare?" Peter asked me in a direct manner. Before I could even react to his words Roger was practically off of his seat and in Peter's face.

"No!" Roger shouted at him. I grabbed Roger's arm to stop him doing anything and forced him to sit back down. I tried to remain calm despite my hatred for the suggestion. This situation was quickly getting out of hand.

"Peter....I appreciate that we are trying to figure out how to mitigate the situation but I cannot marry Clare!" I said with firm words. "Need I remind you I am already married..." I told him. Roger immediately slipped his hand into mine and glared at Peter. 

"Don't shoot the messenger guys!" Peter said to us and put up his hands in a neutral gesture. "That grand idea was Reid's!" 

"Let's stick with them being seen with their lady friends for now.." Freddie interjected. "I think a wedding is quite a drastic step.." he added to his comment. I was grateful to see Freddie found it to be unacceptable.

"You can argue all this with Reid when you get back to town...he just asked me to put forth some ideas before you arrive....he will meet you when you arrive..." he informed us. 

The rest of the journey was tepid as everyone seemed lost in their thoughts. Roger was unusually quiet and kept hold of my hand. I know this issue wasn't really their problem but Freddie and Deacy clearly understood what the impact of us being exposed would mean for their careers. Freddie especially had a stake in this since it could potentially expose him as well. I felt compelled as we came into London proper and neared our offices to say something to them.

"Sorry about all this...." I directed my words to Freddie and Deacy. They both looked sympathetic. 

"It's not really your fault Brian....there has always been a chance of this happening..." Freddie responded with kindness. "We just need to figure out the best way to manage it.." he said with a degree of confidence. I tried to hang on to his confidence as we went in to meet with our manager and press agent. Roger tapped my shoulder.

"I'm going to try and call Jo before we talk with Reid..." he told me. I nodded and took a seat at the table in the meeting room as Roger disappeared to make his call.

Roger's POV 

I dialed Jo's number on a phone at John's secretary's desk. She had left her office to give me some privacy and I sat on the edge of her desk. Jo finally answered.

"Hello..."

"Hi Jo...it's Rog...do you have a minute?" I asked and prayed she wasn't busy.

"Yes...how are you?" she replied in her casual way.

"To be honest I'm in a bit of a jam right now..." I admitted to her. "I was wondering if you could accompany me on the rest of our British tour dates...we are heading for Southampton tomorrow and would be back in London by the 5th..." I explained quickly.

"Why the sudden need for me to go?" she asked in a direct manner. I didn't have a lot of time but she needed to know.

"I'm late for a meeting so I need to be quick....we had a run in with a journalist at our press conference who was asking questions about Brian and I....and well....we need to have the public see us with girlfriends right now to smooth things over..." I hoped Jo was free and waited for her answer.

"Roger I would love more than anything to help you out....you know I would...but I need to talk to Henry about this...." she answered. I was surprised to hear she had to consult with her new friend. 

"Henry? Are things getting serious with him?" I asked her and worried I was not going to have my cover anymore. 

"As a matter of fact...they are!" she declared to me. "He asked me to go on a holiday with him in a few weeks and I said yes...." she explained to me. "I really like him Rog and we are a good fit for each other...I don't want to spoil this so I need to explain our situation to him before I give you an answer..." I was happy for Jo and didn't want to ruin her chance at some happiness.

"Jo...if you're worried this would be a problem....I understand....please don't risk anything with him....I will figure something out..." I told her and was sincere in my words.

"Rog...I am sure he won't have a problem with it...he's a mature and open minded person..."

"I don't know Jo....since you are going away with him soon and might be looking at a long term relationship....it may not be very believable if you go with me now and then run off with another man..." I considered how it would look for us both if we were on tour together and she's off with someone else a few weeks later. If the press found out they would question whether we broke up or if she was cheating. I didn't want her embroiled in something that could put her in a poor light. I cared about her too much.

"Are you worried about my reputation?" she asked me with a hint of amusement. I couldn't help but smile at her good nature..

"Maybe..." I answered. "Maybe I don't want to get dumped in the eyes of the public..." I admitted to her and she laughed.

"Yeah...I can appreciate you not wanting your fake girlfriend to fake dump you..." she mused to me. We both laughed some more and I knew I needed to get to the meeting.

"I'm late for my meeting....thanks Jo but I will find someone else....make your plans with Henry and I want to hear all about this budding romance when I get back..." I said to her.

"Alright....we will talk soon....I hope you can sort things out....call me if you need to talk.." she said and we hung up. I felt a new weight laid upon me as I walked to the meeting and wondered what to do next. I went to the meeting room and Brian looked expectantly at me as I took my seat. Freddie and Deacy were being served tea by Reid's assistant.

"Did you talk to Jo?" he asked me as Reid came in the room. 

"I did but I'm not sure she's available..." I answered and Brian looked concerned as Reid took a seat at the table.

"Well gentleman....it seems we have ourselves a problem..." Reid commented to us as Caroline came in and took a seat next to Reid. Reid's assistant placed a tea in front of me. "I guess I will start by letting you know we've had four phone calls since your press conference regarding the question of your domestic arrangements..." My stomach churned at hearing this news. Brian looked equally subdued. "So you want the good news or the bad news first?"

"I guess get the bad news out of the way..." I said and Brian seemed to agree as he nodded but remained quiet. 

"Alright.." Reid answered and took a moment as he looked over some papers in front of him. "Your new best friend Alan Lewis from News of The World is asking for an official interview with you to follow up on your claims about the nature of your living arrangement....he implied he was eager to write all about the relationship Brian has with your sister and to tell your story..." Reid explained. I felt nothing but revulsion hearing this. I knew that this scumbag wants only to catch us in a lie or find out something that would give him new ammunition in his crusade to expose us.

"I hope you declined his offer!" I told him and Reid smiled at us. 

"I told him we were not interested in his kind of journalism and hung up the phone.." Caroline informed us. There was some gratification in hearing what she did and Brian and I both formed a small smile on our faces.

"Thanks Caroline...." Brian said to her with gratitude. I nodded agreement. "What is the good news then?" Brian then asked her and Reid. Caroline looked heartened and smiled at us both.

"First off...Rosemary Horide from Disc called and offered to do an article in whatever way would benefit your situation..." Brian and I shared a tender smile hearing the name of our favorite journalist. She has always been on her side.

"We're happy to give her an exclusive!" I told Caroline and she already knew what an ally Rosie is to us. 

"I imagined that would be your response...but hear me out!" she said back. "The two other inquiries were from the Sunday magazine at the Times and from a woman who wants to write a story about your unorthodox living arrangement....she admires you putting your children's wellbeing ahead of a decadent rock and roll lifestyle..." Caroline was apparently impressed with the calls she received from these people. It was refreshing that someone wanted to focus on the fact we are trying to be good parents. 

"Now look whose happy at home?" Deacy quipped at me and I rolled my eyes at him and ignored his remark.

"That may be well and good but the problem is anyone wanting to write about our domestic life would probably want to visit our home and would find that we are both sharing the master bedroom....I don't think any article about this topic would be a good idea..." I commented.

"I had mentioned to Peter on the phone this morning that Brian marrying.." I cut Reid off before he could finish.

"The answer is no...so don't even go there!" I warned him. Reid didn't look happy but didn't finish his sentence.

"Can't we just decline these requests and if something happens and we need to address this further we can ask Rosemary for help?" Brian asked them.

"That is probably a good idea...we can fend off the requests by reminding them you are on tour and off on holiday as soon as it ends....that will buy some time and by the summer it will have been forgotten...." Caroline remarked. 

"I think that will be for the best..." I said to her.

"Yes....I agree...." Freddie remarked. "If we can have this matter become old news that would be the preferred option..." I knew Freddie was worried about his personal life getting closer inspection and appreciated why he wanted this to go away as much as Brian and I did.

"Roger...Brian said you were checking on your friend possibly accompanying you on the tour...is this feasible?" Reid asked me. I shook my head.

"Unfortunately Jo is not available so she can't come along..." I announced. Reid appeared disappointed and then glanced down at his papers.

"I see...well...I guess we'll rely on Brian and your sister putting up a good front then..." he remarked and he looked back up at everyone. "We do have some other business to attend to...so let's get on with it..." Reid updated us on the sales of tickets for the remainder of our tour shows and then we reviewed our earnings report for the first quarter of the year. We were all pleased with both pieces of news. He mentioned us taking more promotional photographs and Caroline showed us some new magazine articles that were being printed while we are on tour. I looked them over and was not surprised that I was still a footnote regarding our music and that most of the words printed about me remarked on my looks. We finished the meeting and Brian and I got in my Rover to head home. We were both quiet the first part of the drive. Neither of us slept well the night before. 

"I need to tell you something before we get home.." Brian announced. I glanced over at him quickly. "I had asked Clare on the phone yesterday to not go with us on the tour...." I was surprised to hear this and wondered what his reasoning was.

"Why is that and why I am only hearing about this now?" I asked him and felt a little put off that he didn't discuss it with me first. Brian seemed regretful by the expression on his face.

"I asked her because I was worried about the things you've said the past few days and you feeling low about those articles and wanting to do a solo record.." he explained to me with a sense of real concern in his voice. "I meant to tell you right after the call but we had the press conference and then everything happened..." I instantly felt bad for my irritation at him.

"It's nice to know you wanted to focus on me....." I responded and smiled at him. "I'll admit I've felt a tad bit ignored since Jimi arrived..." I didn't want to come across as selfish so I quickly added to my statement. "Of course....I expected him to get all the attention.." Brian smiled warmly at me and reached over and ran his hand up and down my arm.

"You've been great Rog...and I know I've been pretty absorbed with the baby..."

"I have as well!" I interjected to emphasis that I too have been focused on Jimi. I am thrilled we have him and didn't want Brian to think I feel anything less than that.

"You're right....we've both been absorbed with Jimi...." he corrected and we both smiled at his words. "We can tell Clare our plan for her and the children to come along is back on...." 

We were soon home and heading into the kitchen. Something smelled really good and the radio was on. 

"Oh! You're home already!" Alli declared as she walked into the kitchen and saw us. She looked a little sheepish as she went to the oven and checked on whatever was cooking. "We've been making something special for you since you'll be on the road the next few days..." she informed us with a huge smile.

"What's cooking?" I asked Alli in a saucy manner. She laughed and closed the oven door.

"I've made some stuffed peppers; with and without meat..." she explained. "And Clare baked you an apple crumb..." Alli replied. Brian and I both were enthused by our impending meal. Alli's face suddenly erupted with surprise. She ran over to the house intercom and pressed one of the buttons.

"Clare! They're playing it again!" she shouted as she then ran to the radio and turned it up really loud. There was an unfamiliar but driving guitar riff before the lyrics began. The song already felt quite chaotic but fun.

God save the queen  
The fascist regime  
They made you a moron  
A potential H bomb  
God save the queen  
She's not a human being  
and There's no future  
And England's dreaming

The lyrics were outrageous and bold as brass and I loved it! Alli had been dancing around the kitchen and mouthing the words. I listened keenly to the song and began thrashing about playing air guitar to it. I noticed Brian looking at me like I had gone mad.

"Bloody hell!" he declared and watched in amusement as Alli and I did varying gyrations to this insane musical diss at the Queen. The number finally waned and we stilled our bodies as Alli and I both breathed out heavily and laughed with a sense of glee. 

"That was 'God Save The Queen' by The Sex Pistols....played by popular demand..." the radio announcer said as the song finished. I immediately looked at Brian who knew what I was thinking. I took off walking to our music room. 

"You know what I'm thinking...right?" I asked Brian as he followed me. He nodded with a smile as I opened the door and switched on the lights. I walked straight over to my own guitar and began powering on the amplifier. Brian picked up a spare guitar he kept at home and did the same. We were both soon tuning the instruments and sharing a huge grin.

"I can't believe it Rog! You were years ahead of the game!" Brian commented to me as I began to quickly strum out the chords to refresh my memory. I found my starting point and began playing the rhythm part of my old song that had been planned a few albums ago. The one that I never quite finished because the band didn't think it would work for the record. The one we nixed but kept hold of the song title. I turned up the volume on my amp and Brian watched me dig into the chords as I began thrashing through the tune and throwing out the lyrics randomly as they came to mind.

'Hey hey hey hey it was the D.N.A.  
Hey hey hey hey that made me this way  
Do you know do you know do you know just how I feel?  
Do you know do you know do you know just how I feel?'

Brian joined in with his guitar and I saw Alli appear in the doorway with her jaw on the floor as she watched and listened. Clare came up behind her wearing an astonished expression and Tiger Lily burst through their legs and came into the room and proceeded to bob up and down in sync to our manic playing. I turned to look right at Brian and we both yelled out the chorus we both remembered.

'Sheer heart attack!  
Sheer heart attack!'

We didn't recall all my words and just kept playing the music as the girls danced about and Brian and I laughed with joy watching them. Brian stopped playing first and Tiger Lily came up to him to look at his guitar. I realized we had never really played much in front of her and she was curious. I stopped playing and flipped off my amp.

"It's a guitar poppet.." Brian explained to her as he knelt down in front of Tigs to show her the instrument he had been playing. I wished he had Red here right now but she was with the road crew headed for Southampton. Brian let her run her small fingers over the strings and she made a cute face when it created a sound through the speakers. I sat my guitar down and went over to join them. I noticed Clare and Alli looking appreciative at our impromptu performance. 

"That was brilliant Rog! We'll be seeing about dinner..." Clare announced as her and Alli disappeared from the doorway. I sat down by Tiger Lily as she played with the strings and Brian showed her how he made sounds on it.

"You know Rog....that song you wrote all those years back fits right in with these punk bands taking over the airwaves..." Brian told me as he kept an eye on Tigs. It felt good to get some validation for my song writing.

"Yeah.....I guess it does..." I answered with a smug grin. Tiger Lily grew bored of the guitar and turned and proceeded to plop down in my lap.

"Sing Papa..." Tigs demanded and I laughed at her bold order.

"What do you want to hear?" I asked her as she looked into my eyes with ones that mirrored my own. 

"Beadles!" she told me with gusto and Brian and I both lit up. Apparently our song tastes were already rubbing off on her. 

"Alright..." I responded and tried to think of a song she likes. Before anything came to mind Brian began softly strumming. I instantly knew what he was playing and smiled at him.

"I there anybody going to listen to my story...all about the girl who came to stay...she's the kind of girl you want so much it makes you sorry....still you don't regret a single day..."

\----------------------------

We all sat down for dinner and Brian and I proceeded to fill the girls in on what happened in Bristol. Clare was indignant on our behalf and moaned to Alli about the News Of The World article previously published about us. We spent the entire meal whining about the tabloid and the seemly stuff some of the papers had begun reporting about celebrities. It had began to be something we saw more and more in mainstream papers and it was a little worrying.

We explained that the children and Clare would be coming with us after all on tour and invited Alli along. She had done well for us on the European leg and since we have shows at night it really helped Clare to have Alli get Tigs put to bed and keep Clare company. The hotel rooms were already booked so there was no further arrangements needed and our travel was on a bus with room for one more. Brian told them about the need for him and Clare to present themselves as a couple when out in public and we had a few laughs about how ridiculous it sometimes felt to do this. Brian and I were tired from everything and retired earlier than usual. I wished our pool was ready for the summer season but the man who would get it prepared for use was scheduled to come in a few weeks. I resigned myself to a warm bath to relax before bedtime. Brian was in with Jimi feeding him as I finished my soak and put on a t shirt and pajama bottoms. I was trimming my nails when Brian came in the bathroom to ready for bed.

"Jimi went right to sleep....he's such a good baby.." Brian commented as he washed his face. 

"He does a better job sleeping than he did at first..." I replied and he nodded agreement. 

"He did that thing again where he sucks his fingers.." Brian told me as he prepared his toothbrush to clean his teeth. We shared a contented smile thinking about how cute he is when he does this. "Clare is getting everything packed and ready and Alli is helping....so we'll be ready in the morning..." 

"Okay..." I cleaned up my nail trimmings and lingered at the counter so I could wash my hands when Brian was done at the sink. I did a quick mental checklist of my own luggage. Brian finished and I got some soap on my hands.

"Hey Rog....I really think you should do that solo record.." Brian suddenly announced to me as he pulled off his clothes to change. He sounded sincere and it felt good to know I had his support.

"You are really talented and it's a shame you don't get the attention you deserve all the time in the band....so if you want to do this....I think you should go ahead and book some studio time for when we get home..." My heart swelled with confidence and love for my husband and I looked at him in the vanity mirror.

"Really?" I asked to make sure he meant what he said. Brian nodded but then looked a little subdued.

"Yes....just promise me if you make it big you won't leave the band and you won't run off with some television presenter or some actress..." he said and tried to sound like he was joking but I got the impression he was being semi-serious. I understood his concern about the band but found his statement about me running off with someone ridiculous.

"I don't know Bri....that Michael Parkinson get's better looking everyday!" I teased and Brian began to smile at my joking (1). I walked over to him and put my arms around his neck. "Don't be ridiculous Brian....you are the only one for me...." I tried to assure him. He kissed me and slid his arms around my waist.

"I don't think Mrs. Parky would be too keen on you showing up in their bed..." Brian mused to me. 

"Now wouldn't that be a scandal that our dear Mr. Lewis could sink his teeth into..." I declared back and we both laughed at the idea.

\-------------------------------   
29th May 1977

Stafford England

Brian's POV

We went to bed and enjoyed a good night's sleep in our home. Our sanctuary from the world. We both felt better the next morning and loaded up the family to head into London and join the others on the tour bus. Extra security was hired to not only manage the increasing swell of fans at the venues but also protect us when we were out and about and also to keep reporters at arms length. There were photographs taken of Clare and Jimi and myself, which we expected. We had preferred the baby's picture not be taken but it was a compromise to fend off any unwelcome questions about our unique little family. It was decided to go ahead and do a formal announcement about Jimi to the fan club members and knew the press would pick up details about him from that source. Our reception in Southampton was fantastic and we really began to feel this British tour would be a resounding success. We traveled north to Stafford and reveled in the excitement of seeing the queue to get into the hall running for what seemed like miles. It built the excitement for the show and the crowd did not disappoint.

Our band seemed to do no wrong with our show and the performance was energized by the enthusiasm of this northern audience. We were all taken aback by how much they sang and participated in our songs. It seemed like the crowd knew our entire setlist and sang along and shouted and cheered after each number. We fed off their exuberance and left the stage feeling high and ready to give them the best possible encore. Before we could even begin discussing our plans a unique sound filled the venue. 

"What is that?" Deacy asked and recognition grew on our faces as we listened. It was the sound of the crowd and they were singing. The air was dense with heat and the low pitched voices of our fans as they began to serenade us.

When you walk through a storm  
Hold your head up high  
And don't be afraid of the dark  
At the end of a storm  
There's a golden sky  
And the sweet silver song of a lark  
Walk on through the wind  
Walk on through the rain  
Though your dreams be tossed and blown  
Walk on, walk on  
With hope in your heart  
And you'll never walk alone  
You'll never walk alone  
Walk on, walk on  
With hope in your heart  
And you'll never walk alone  
You'll never walk alone

You could have knocked us over with a feather! We were absolutely gob smacked at the tribute we received from these ardent fans. Their desire to be a part of our performance stayed with me during our encore set and beyond. The impact our of experience carried over after the show ended and the band celebrated in the hotel bar with quite a few drinks. We had an early bus ride in the morning so we had to break up our fun. Roger and I treaded to our room and were in a fantastic mood as we arrived at the suite. We shared a shower and some serious snogging before we called it a night. 

I woke with the alarm the next morning and felt like the world was at our feet. I also felt the stir to do something to help our fans have a more inclusive experience at our shows. As I stood at the large mirror in our room fixing my hair something came to mind. I pictured the faces and bodies of the crowd as I saw them during our concerts and tried to imagine what they could do besides sing along. Something that could help them play along. Rock along with us. I leaned down on the dresser mulling it over and heard the slapping sound of my palms against the coated wooden surface. It made me think of the sound of clapping. Well - clapping was something the audience already did! But what if we came up with a special way of clapping or moving that our fans could do during the show? I considered all the things you can do with just a tiny bit of space and smiled at my reflection in the mirror. I lifted up my clogged heel and stomped it on the floor. I then slapped my palm against the dresser again. The sounds were pleasing but something was missing. After a few variations I had it!

"Hey Rog!" I shouted and waited for him to pop his head out of the bathroom.

"Yeah babe?" he asked me as his head appeared in the doorway.

"I think I've got an idea!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) Just a note about Michael Parkinson if you don't understand the reference. He was a high profile television presenter and interviewer from the 1960's up to just a few years ago. He has been married to the same woman since the late 1950's and had a popular talk show on British television during the time of this story.


	103. Dear Mr. Murdoch - Part 1

4th June 1977

Liverpool to London

Roger's POV

"Hand me that brush..." Freddie said to Dane as we road down the motorway in our luxury coach headed back to London. Dane set the brush in Freddie's hand and he brought it up to Tiger Lily's head and began fanning out her golden hair. "She really does have your hair Rog...it's so nice..." he commented as Tigs sat in his lap and thoroughly enjoyed the attention from her Uncle Freddie. 

"You could braid it or I have some lovely clasps..." Dane told Freddie as he watched his boss groom my baby girl. Well. She's not really looking much like a baby anymore. She will soon be three and I still can't believe it. 

"I'm not very good at braiding so I'll take the clasps.." Freddie replied and Dane laid out some plastic barrettes on the table top in front of them. 

"I want braids..." Tigs told Freddie and grabbed for the brush. Freddie shook his head and cooed at my daughter.

"Sorry princess...I never braided my sister's hair and didn't get any practice...I only ever brushed it out and put ribbons in Kash's hair..." Freddie explained to her and had a whimsical expression as he thought about his childhood memories.

"Roger never once did my hair...though he did try and pull it a few times..." Clare blurted out with a touch of sass and Freddie and Dane laughed as I stared daggers at my sister. She stuck her tongue out at me and I stuck mine out as well. Tiger Lily began giggling and stuck a tiny bit of her tongue out. It was too adorable and I notice Brian watching us from his seat nearby with an amused expression.

"This is what I have to deal with everyday...." Brian whined to everyone and rolled his eyes.

"You love it Brian and don't even try to deny it!" Freddie argued to him. "If it wasn't for that nutter over there your life would be dreadfully dull..." he commented. I had to agree that I brought a certain amount of vigor and mischief to his world. 

"Yeah!" I barked at Brian with some bravado. His response was to stick his tongue out at me. Everyone was laughing and in good spirits. Our tour has been a tremendous success and we were capping it off with two shows in London in a few days. Even though the coach was filled to capacity with kids and adults, it had been fun to enjoy each other's company on the short jaunts between cities. We all spread out as best we could and filled the time with laughs and shared enthusiasm for the good life we all had. Despite the depressed economy and outrageous inflation, Brian, Deacy, Freddie and I were fast becoming wealthy men. Based on our last meeting with Reid, we were approaching millionaire status. It was a long time goal coming to fruition but it also felt a little surreal at times. Things had really changed from just a few years ago. 

Freddie was living large and living the single life in his remodeled flat. He now employed a full time driver and had bought a flat nearby for Mary. Though their romantic relationship was in the dust, their friendship survived and in some ways they seemed closer than ever. The only hiccup in Freddie's world was his faltering romance with David Minns. We had not seen as much of him during the North American tour and even less since we returned to the U.K. in March. Our lead singer had not been entirely faithful during our time away from home. In fact, he had made frequent company of a young American named Joe and there was talk of him coming to live with Freddie in London. I figured this was the death knell for David and I would miss him. He was a gentle soul and I thought a good partner for my friend. I was never quite sure what relationship Freddie had with Dane and decided it was Freddie's choice to tell and left it at that. Dane was a competent assistant and had been quite useful on the road. He seemed to care about Freddie and that is what was important to me.

I watched Deacy sitting next to his wife on the bench seat of the coach. Nestled in Ronnie's arms was my son Jimi. She hadn't been able to keep her hands off him the entire tour. I was pretty sure she had 'baby fever' as my sister called it and we would soon be hearing an announcement from our bassist. Robert was napping in the portable playpen set up towards the back. He was almost two and I was confident he would soon have a sibling. Deacy and Ronnie seemed so content and well matched. I enjoyed watching their easy going manner with each other and their clear affection. I hoped that others saw this in Brian and I. I know I did.

I moved my attention over to Brian as he sat at a table with his writing notebook open. It was his songwriting book and not his journal and I was excited by how prolific he has been recently. His enthusiasm for my ideas about a stripped down and simplified new album seemed to inspire him. His support for my desire to do that solo recording also endeared him to me. I had called and booked the studio time for next week with his blessing.

"Is your pool going to be ready for a party anytime soon?" Deacy asked me as we rode south on the motorway in the bright mid-day sun. The weather had grown warmer and I knew our friends were keen to take advantage of our swimming amenity.

"The pool man is coming this week and it will be up and running by the weekend..." I answered. Should I book you a date?" I said with sarcasm. "Since you're a friend...you can have a discount.." I added. 

"You'll give it to me for free or I'll just call up your friend at the News of The World and tell him everything!" Deacy teased back. 

"That's not very funny!" Ronnie scolded Deacy and he looked a little subdued. 

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!" I said to Deacy and his eyes lit with fear at my words. We shared a moment of knowing exactly what I was referring to and then quickly let it slip away. I didn't find his words amusing and it was clear he didn't find mine amusing either. We were interrupted by the sounds of Robert waking up and Ronnie stood up and walked over to Brian.

"Do you want to see your Daddy?" she asked Jimi as she handed our son to Brian. I was grateful for Ronnie's acceptance of our family dynamic and Brian took Jimi and ignored his notebook as he sat and cradled him gently. Ronnie fetched Robert and carried him over to sit with her and Deacy. 

"Did you have a good nap?" Deacy asked his child as he set him in his knee and smiled at him. Ronnie brushed the floppy hair away from her son's face and Robert reached up with his hands for a hug. "Alright...Daddy's got you!" Deacy said in a sweet voice to Robert. 

"Daddy!" Tiger Lily said out loud. I turned to look at her and saw her looking at Deacy. She then turned and looked at Brian. She reached up and pointed towards Brian as Freddie was fixing her hair. 

"Yes...that's Jimi's Daddy!" Deacy said to Tigs. Tiger Lily seemed confused based on the look on her face and I wondered what she was thinking. Freddie patted her back.

"All done princess...you look lovely..." he told her. Tigs seemed to ignore Freddie as she kept looking at Brian as he sat and held Jimi. Tiger Lily suddenly slid off of Freddie's lap and walked over towards Brian.

"My Daddy!" Tigs announced firmly as she got up by Brian's legs and looked up at him. It suddenly occurred to me that we had confused her. She had always called Brian by his nickname 'Brimi.' It came about due to the circumstances surrounding the way she came into our lives. And I preferred Papa as my term of endearment so the phrase 'Daddy' never entered our vocabulary. Until Jimi was born. I recalled her confusion the day Jimi arrived because his name sounded just like what she called Brian. It was apparent this had become a problem.

"No poppet....I'm Brimi...." Brian corrected her and Tigs continued to look a little bewildered. She leaned over his leg with her head and smiled at him.

"My Brimi..." she said to him and Brian drew a warm loving smile. 

"Yes...I'm your Brimi..." he answered her. I decided to let it go for now and would talk to Brian about it when we were alone. We also need to let Freddie and Deacy what we decide. Boy! This had become complicated! I replayed that conversation Harold had with me in our back garden that night when he told me the older the kids got, the more problems we would have. I was starting to see his point. We soon pulled into the parking area where our cars were and began to unload our stuff from the bus. Alli had woke up from her nap and we all pitched in to get everything loaded in the cars. I noticed a woman who I didn't recognize walking up to us. I wondered if she worked for Reid.

"Mr. Taylor...." she began and pulled out a business card. I smiled at her.

"Yes..." I answered as I looked over the card. My glasses were in my bag but the print was large. I was a bit un-nerved to see she was with The Times newspaper. A small amount of anxiety fluttered in my stomach.

"Marjorie Cummings with The Times...I report for their Sunday Magazine..." she informed me despite her card already announcing it. "I know your office turned down my offer for an interview but I had to ask again and thought I would try you directly...could I possibly make an appointment with you to hear me out?" she asked with sincerity. I felt bad that she made all this effort but we weren't going to talk. I saw her glance over at Brian as he helped load up the luggage in one of our hired cars. "You and Mr. May both?" she added. I tried to find the words I could give her to be polite but firm about our decision. I felt some arms wrap around my leg and turned to see Tiger Lily standing behind me. She looked up at me and giggled.

"Come here..." I said and picked her up since there was so much going on around us and some cars were getting ready to leave. I got her in my arms and the reporter watched me with a wide smile. "Ms. Cummings...I'm sorry you came all this way.." I began but she cut me off.

"Your daughter is so lovely!" she remarked and looked her over with an adoring expression. She leaned closer and looked my baby right in the eyes. "You look just like your Daddy!" she told her and Tigs turned and looked at Brian and pointed at him.

"That's my Daddy..." she announced loudly. I shuddered inside when I heard her say it. The reporters eyebrows raised in alarm and she looked at me with questions in her eyes.

"Is that true? Is Brian May her father?" the reporter quickly asked me intently. I shook my head and tried to remain calm. I hoped the actual truth would explain things and then realized any explanation was basically granting her an interview. She had already begun asking questions and I hadn't even consented to talk to her.

"The only information I will give you is that Brian is not her father. I am! My daughter is a little confused because of the new baby in our house...alright?" I said to her in haste. She nodded as she followed my words and seemed to hear me.

"With what I know about your home situation that makes sense..." the woman responded with kindness in her face. "I won't trouble you any more...just please think about my offer and let me know if you change your mind...." she added to her statement. I appreciated her backing off and being professional. 

"Thanks Ms. Cummings....I've got your card..." I told her appreciatively. She smiled as she turned and walked away. I carried my daughter and went over to see Brian watching me with curiosity. 

"Who was that?" he asked me. I leaned down to set Tiger Lily in the car.

"That was The Sunday Magazine in The Times!" I replied and Brian's face registered alarm. "It's okay....I have to admit I was worried for a minute but it's good...I'll tell you everything .." I said and he relaxed and we finished loading up and began the ride back home. I went over my conversation with Ms. Cummings during our ride and we both agreed something had to change with what Tiger Lily called Brian. Soon enough we pulled into the drive of our home and began unloading all our luggage and baby equipment. I had a sense of deja vu from our European tour and we unloaded our things. After putting everything away and Clare getting Jimi settled in we all decided to take a nap. Tiger Lily was already laying down in her room when Brian and I went to enjoy the quiet of our bedroom. We ignored our suitcases and slipped off our clothes and I opened some windows to let some fresh air in and got settled next to Brian. I closed my eyes and loved the feel of my own pillow and my own bed.

\---Brian's POV---

I woke before everyone else and went to check on Jimi. I changed his nappy and warmed up a bottle for him so Clare could sleep. I sat in the kitchen and fed him as I listened to the radio on low. When we finished I walked out in the back garden to enjoy some fresh air as I rubbed his back to manage his wind. Roger came out for a cigarette and took Jimi when he finished. I went in and gathered the mail that had accumulated while we were gone and went through it as I walked to my study. After sorting it all I dropped it on my desk and went to leave but noticed two of of my desk drawers were askew. I tried to remember if I had gone through them for anything before we left on tour. Nothing came to mind and I always closed the drawers when I finished so I was certain it wasn't me. I went out and found Roger in the kitchen.

"Hey Rog...did you happen to get in the desk drawers in my study?" I asked as I stood in the doorway. He looked thoughtful for a moment and shook his head.

"No.." he replied. "You might ask Clare...but I don't know why she would be in there..." he suggested. I knew Clare would never get into my desk without asking first. I decided to unpack my suitcase while I waited for her to get up. I took a load of clothes down to the washing machine and was loading it when she came in.

"Hey guys..." he said as she went to check on Jimi. He was sleeping in the cradle we kept downstairs. 

"Did you happen to get in my desk for anything?" I asked Clare as she picked up a magazine that came in the mail for her. She shook her head.

"No...is something the matter?" she asked me. 

"Some of my drawers were open and I never leave them that way..." I explained to her and Roger. "You don't think Alli got in my desk do you?" I questioned.

"You don't think Alli what?" Alli asked as she came in the kitchen. I felt bad having to ask but needed to know.

"Did you happen to get in my desk in my study?" I asked her plainly. She looked innocent and shook her head.

"No..." she said sincerely. "I would never go in there without your permission...that's your private stuff..." she remarked. I was pleased to hear the respect she held for my things.

"I didn't think so but I had to ask...." I told her. She was understanding as she took a seat at the table. I left the kitchen to go back to my study and sat down in my chair and began looking through the open drawers. It was evident they had been gone through. Nothing was in its place and I felt a bit of panic as I reached down to check the locked drawer on the bottom right side of my desk. It came open and fear spread through me as I realized someone had been in my study. Someone had been in our house! And they had gone through my desk! And they had somehow got my locked drawer opened up! 

"Roger!" I yelled in a state of distress as I began pulling out the contents of my locked drawer. I kept my most private papers in there along with some photographs. I opened up each file and made sure that copies of our legal agreements with our manager and solicitor were there along with some house paperwork. I laid the files aside and lifted the lid off a box I kept some photographs in. I began sorting through them as I yelled for Roger again.

"What is it?" he asked as he appeared in my doorway. I looked up at him with growing fear.

"I think someone's been in the house Rog!" I told him in a panicked voice. His face held shock and I resumed checking the photos. I quickly determined a photograph was missing and my hands began shaking. "There is a picture missing!" I told him in a halted manner. 

"What picture?" Roger's voice had an edge of anger and dismay to it.

"It's one of us kissing!" I told him and felt the beginnings of tears in my eyes. "It's one of us together!" I said to him as tears began spilling down my face. "From a few years back.." I explained to him. "When I had been sick..." I choked out the last words and Roger came over and stood behind me and hugged me from behind. 

"Are you sure? If that is the only thing missing...maybe you had it somewhere else? In our room?" Roger said with some reason in his voice as he began stroking my hair. It was possible. I didn't see anything else missing so far.

"But what about the drawers?" I asked him as I tried to pull myself together. "My locked drawer was open.." I explained to him. 

"Maybe you thought you locked it and it didn't catch..." he reasoned. "Is it just the one picture?" he asked me. It seemed that way and I began to let go of my panic as I nodded to him. 

"It is...you might be right..." I said in a much calmer voice. I wiped my face on my shirt sleeve and began to put everything back in the drawers. "Sorry..." I told Roger and felt like I had overreacted.

"It's alright..." he said in a gentle voice and kissed the top of my head. I placed everything back in the locked drawer. I leaned back in the chair and sighed in relief. "Let's get some dinner and try and relax...alright?" he suggested. I nodded as Roger moved away from my chair and left the room. I followed and we went to eat. The rest of the night felt normal and we got some laundry done and headed for bed after watching the news.

"Want the radio or a record?" I asked Roger as we went into our room. 

"Maybe a record....how about something old school?" he replied. I grinned and walked to the collection we kept in our room. I thumbed through them as Roger got comfortable on the couch and grabbed a book he had started. I smiled watching him. Since he got his glasses he has been reading more. He slid his glasses on and caught me watching him. I turned back and found an album from Cream and put it on. Roger's face brightened when the music started. He kept reading as I went to take some clothes off the bed and found Squeaky asleep on top of my black trousers. I almost didn't see her until she opened her eyes.

"Hey baby..." I said to her and sat for a moment to run my fingers across her head and neck. She stood up and stretched and began to rub her head against me. "I missed you..." I cooed to her a she purred and nestled against me.

"How old is she now?" Roger asked me and I looked up to see him watching me.

"We got her in the fall of 72...so she is 5 this year..." I replied. Squeaky got her fill and dropped down from the bed and walked over towards Roger. I walked into my closet to to get some hangers and pushed some shirts down the rod to make room for my clean clothes. When I did I saw the door to our wall safe was hanging open. My heart stopped and I knew every instinct I had earlier about my desk drawers was right. Someone had been in the house!

"Rog!' I said with great alarm and dropped the hangers on the floor as I stepped closer to look inside the safe. I heard Roger come up to my side.

"What's wrong!" he said and then he saw what I saw. "Fuck!" he shouted. Trish had a small wall safe installed in my closet when they redecorated the house. We used it for the money we kept at home and it also contained our birth certificates, passports and a few documents. The cash was there and I saw the envelope containing our birth records. Our passports were currently in my bag since I took them for identification when we went to Scotland. I moved the items around and began to feel nothing was wrong until I couldn't find one specific envelope. I counted the envelopes again and knew one was gone.

"Is everything there?" Roger asked in a worried tone. I felt the threat of tears again but tried to keep myself together and shook my head.

"No.." I told him as my heart sank and I was sure the coveted document was missing. And I knew someone had taken it. "Our marriage certificate! It's gone!" I answered and a tear escaped as I moved my hands from the safe and put them over my face. I heard Roger leave my side and I pulled my hands away to see what he was doing. He had dashed over to his nightstand and pulled open the drawers. I began to walk his way and saw him grab his old writing book and begin fanning out the pages. He tossed it aside when he finished and began tearing through the contents of both drawers. "What are you looking for?" I asked him as he dropped to his knees and dug through the drawers with a frantic pace.

"My letters! The letters you wrote me from Tenerife!" he answered in an anxious voice. Roger began tossing things to the side as he emptied out the contents of each drawer. I tried to remember what I had written in my letters and felt my stomach turn over as I recalled the intimate details I shared in them. 

"Did you find them?" I asked as my own panic took hold. Roger had emptied both drawers and sat on his knees as he looked anguished and was breathing fast. 

"No Brian...they're gone!"


	104. Dear Mr. Murdoch - Part 2

4th June 1977

Surrey / London

Roger's POV

"We can't call the police.." Brian said as he paced the floor of our bedroom and ran his hand through his hair. No - we wouldn't call the police. The first thing they would ask is what had been taken. An explanation of the items in question would reveal everything we've done our best to hide all these years. 

"No we can't..." I agreed. "Though.. what concerns me most is who did this!" I told him and Brian stopped and looked at me. "I am pretty sure we can agree that this wasn't a random burglary....whoever did this already knew about us and was looking for evidence of the fact..." I pointed out to Brian. His face registered the realization of my words. He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed and put his face in his hands. "Think about it! They've got a photo of us kissing, your letters to me that clearly say we are in a relationship and our fucking marriage certificate!" I stated as I felt my own anguish at the situation we are in. "They basically have all the proof anyone would want that shows we're together!" 

"Do you think they mean to give it to the papers or is this some type of blackmail?" Brian asked me. I didn't know what to tell him. I wasn't sure. I got up off the floor and sat down on the bed next to Brian and took his hand. 

"I don't know Bri...I guess time will tell..." I answered as we both looked at each other with troubled expressions. Brian's mouth began to tremble and I immediately pulled him into a hug as I saw the weight of this moment settle inside him. I held him tight as I heard a whimper from him and ran my hands up and down his back. 

"What if this is it Rog?" Brian asked me in an emotion filled voice. "What if we're exposed?" he said with despair. I didn't want Brian getting any foolish ideas about how he chose to deal with this news. I gently pulled back from our hug and held his chin as I looked him in the eye and searched for any hint of darkness inside him.

"No matter what happens Brian...know this!" I said to him firmly. "I love you and even if the worst happens and we lose everything...you won't lose me...we'll still have each other.." I assured him. "I know I talk about all the things we have here...the house...the cars...the money...but if we have to walk away from it....we are doing it together....you...me...Tiger Lily...Jimi....we'll go back to that tiny flat on Sinclair Road if we have to...but it will be okay...because we are a family....and we'll always have each other...and nothing any newspaper says about us can change that..." 

Brian smiled at my words and nodded agreement as tears ran down his face. He grabbed at the neck of my shirt and pulled me closer. We kissed with some desperation and then held each other close as we both tried to find our own resolve to deal with this moment. 

"I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.." Brian finally spoke after he calmed down. We both laid down and held each other and tried to get some sleep even though we knew that wasn't probable right now.

\-----------------------

It was around 6 am and I just couldn't lay there any longer. Brian and I both had tossed and turned all night and at times clung to each other for support. I was grateful when Brian finally fell asleep for real and I left the bed and took a quick shower. I went downstairs and felt a compulsion to know if whoever had taken those things from our home had waited until we were back home or until right before our London shows to have the scandal break in the press. With that thought in mind I hopped in my car and drove into the village to get all the morning newspapers. I parked in front of the newsstand/bookstore and went inside. I had only been in a here a few times since we moved to this area but liked the shop. I grabbed a copy of each of the dailies and held them under my arm as I took a quick glance at the books for sale. Since I can actually see now I've enjoyed reading a lot more. My interests lately have leaned towards science fiction so I checked out their selection. There were quite a few used books and magazines so I looked through them and was delighted to find a collection of short stories. It was a copy of an older monthly publication called Astounding Science Fiction.

I liked these since my time didn't always permit reading lengthy chapter books. I added the periodical to my items and headed to the counter to pay. I was walking to my car when I caught the scent of something warm and sweet. I noticed a bakery had opened up in the village. They were open so I dropped my purchase in the car and walked over to see what they had to offer. A few people were inside and being served at a large glass counter. I looked over the selection on display and savored the inviting aroma of brewing coffee, cinnamon and fresh baked bread. I got in line and purchased an assortment of pastries for the family. I headed out the door to go to my car and came close to colliding into someone.

"Sorry..." I said as I avoided walking right into a young woman and her bicycle. She managed to stay upright and I managed to hang on to my bakery box. We laughed nervously as we both righted ourselves. I noticed her stop laughing and an enormous grin broke out on her face.

"It's you!" she said to me in a declarative manner. I realized she must have recognized me and smiled back.

"Hi! I'm Roger...." I said to her in a friendly tone. 

"I know....my mother told me all about you.." she answered. I wasn't sure what she meant by her statement.

"Your mother? Do I know her?" I asked in confusion. She stood and held onto her bike and retained her knowing grin. I noticed she was wearing a skimpy halter top and some small shorts. It was a cool morning and I wondered how she wasn't freezing. She seemed quite comfortable in her own skin and there sure was plenty of it on display.

"You met my mother one night on the road...you had an accident and she drove you home.." she explained. I definitely recalled that night and the snobbish woman who managed to give us a ride despite her prejudice towards us. "Her name is Portia....Portia Ormsby-Hughes..." the girl reminded me.

"Ah yes! I remember....and what's your name?" I asked her. 

"Just call me Tilly...." she answered and I immediately wondered what pretentious name her mother had bestowed on her.

"Alright...Tilly...." I agreed. "So what do you do? Are you at university or do you work?" I asked her to be friendly. Her expression shifted to one of slight embarrassment.

"To be honest...I'm between commitments at the moment..." she confessed. "I was studying at King's College...but I found it wasn't right for me...so I've been considering working for a while and I want to travel....much to my mother's dismay.....I'm not well suited for country living and just want some real adventure in my life..." I understood her situation as I recalled my own struggle with deciding whether to continue my studies.

"That was me at your age...I switched my major and then didn't go any further after I finished my degree...." I told her. She looked intrigued by my remark and leaned closer to me.

"I can't believe we are talking about our studies when you're clearly one of the most famous people residing in this area..." she said with some bravado. "You are proof that I don't need a diploma to make my mark in the world..." I appreciated her feelings but knew that my degree had brought some value to my life. I would have never met my band mates and never met Brian had I not pursued a higher education.

"Don't be too hasty to dismiss a higher education....while I didn't go into biology as a career, having that knowledge has served me well...." I said with conviction.

"Yeah...I can see that being true...it's a shame my mother isn't hearing this..." Tilly answered as she appeared to accept my viewpoint. "I guess you found your passion and it steered you to success.." 

"You could say that..." I said back. We shared a satisfied smile as she gripped the handles of her bicycle.

"I used to go to Meadow Hall in the summer to swim....the prior owners had a daughter my age and we spent a lot of our free time during school break hanging in her garden and lazing by the pool.." she said with a touch of sentiment. "I'm glad someone nice is living there...despite what my mother thinks..." She made it clear she didn't agree with her mother's opinion of me and I appreciated it.

"That's nice of you to say....speaking of home....I need to get back with this food..." I said and raised the box in my hand to show my baked goods. She smiled warmly at me. 

"I take it you grabbed breakfast for all your groupies you partied with all night?" she said with sarcasm and a wink. I laughed and shook my head with amusement. I could just imagine what tales her mother has said about us to her family.

"I promise you my biggest fan is a 2 year old who will go crazy for the marmalade roll in this box..." Tilly smiled widely at me.

"Well enjoy your food and enjoy that lovely pool...." Tilly told me and began walking away with her bicycle. The unexpected meeting with her was a nice distraction from the ugly situation I was in right now and I tried to keep my smile as I drove home and dreaded going through the newspapers.

\--------------------------

"So I got all these papers so we can go through them to see if anything has been published about us..." I explained to Clare and Alli as they stood in complete shock after hearing what Brian and I discovered last night. Brian had not come downstairs yet and I was happy to spare him this ordeal as he slept in our bed. Jimi was in his downstairs cradle and Tigs was happily stuffed on pastries and milk and was playing in her corner of the kitchen.

"Who would do something like this?" Clare said out loud with disgust on her face. She was shaking her head as she took a seat and grabbed one of the newspapers and opened it up to go through it. Alli walked over and took another newspaper and opened it on the counter.

"So if we find something...what happens?" Alli asked as she started looking at each page. 

"I'm not sure....we just need to know if someone published the story...it's also possible the person just wants to blackmail us and we haven't heard from them yet..." I explained as we all perused our respective newspapers. I finished with mine and found nothing and grabbed a copy of The Sun and began nosing through. The room was quiet as we all finished our review and to my great relief found nothing. Of course, this was today's news and what would tomorrow bring? I wondered how long we would be in limbo as we waited for the hammer to fall.

"What's all this?" Brian asked from the doorway of the kitchen. I turned to see him standing there and he looked terrible. What little sleep he had managed to get did nothing to quell his fragile state. 

"The good news is that there is nothing in this morning's papers...." I told him as I stood up and walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. Brian clung to me and we stayed there quietly holding each other for a minute. 

"It's 10 o'clock Roger...." Clare suddenly announced. I slowly pulled away from Brian and looked up at him.

"I'm going to call Freddie and Deaks so they know and we should probably talk to Reid..and possibly Jim Beach..." Brian nodded agreement.

"You're right...they all need to know..." I walked to the phone and picked it up with great trepidation. The one person most affected by this if it became public besides our family was Freddie. His own private life would be blown wide open. I dialed his number and took a seat. Freddie often insisted we had to take a seat when he called with important news. I hated that the reason why he needed to sit to hear this wasn't anything fun or exciting. Brian came over and pulled a chair up by my side and took my hand as I waited for an answer.

"Mercury manor!" Freddie answered and sounded cheerful. It was unfortunate that his mood was getting ready to change.

"Hey Freddie...it's me.."

"Roger dear....I am so glad you called....have I got a funny story to tell you.." Freddie began chattering at me and I had to cut him off.

"It has to wait I'm afraid....I'm calling to tell you something quite serious and I need to ask you to sit down..." I said gravely to him. 

"You're scaring me Rog....is Brian sick again...is he okay? Did something happen to one of the children?" Freddie clearly understood the weight of my tone as he sounded frightened.

"Brian and the kids are okay....I just need to tell you that someone broke into our home while we were away on tour and stole a few items that may prove to be quite problematic for us all...." I heard Freddie gasp.

"Shit! What did they take?" 

"They only took three things that we are aware of....a photo of Brian and I kissing, the letters he wrote me from Tenerife and our unregistered marriage license..." 

"Oh my god!" he cried out. "Roger! That's everything they would need to prove you're married!" I loved that Freddie always believes that we are truly married despite the law banning it. He is right, it is everything someone would need.

"I know Fred....we are pretty certain whoever broke in knew about us already and were looking for proof.." I explained to him.

"Proof to show whom?" he asked with great dismay. "Do you think they are going to sell it to the newspapers or do you think they might try and blackmail you?"

"We don't know....the papers this morning had nothing in them...and if a story had been printed before today we would certainly know..." I accounted to him.

"So do you think it's blackmail?" he questioned. 

"We're waiting on the post....I guess we will see." I answered. "Anyway...I just needed you to know and be prepared in case it does go public..." Freddie sighed heavily into the phone.

"I'm sorry so this happened...I can't imagine how upset Brian is....tell him I love him and we will get through this together.."

"I will Fred...thanks.."

"You know I love you too Rog and please know that we are a family and we will face this as united front.." 

"This could expose you as well Fred...." I warned him.

"I'm well aware of that...but this is a risk we were all aware of...and if it was me in your shoes..well...I know you would have my back...so of course I have yours..." 

"I love you Fred....I need to call Deaks and probably Reid and Jim Beach.." I explained. "They need to know..." Brian clenched my hand and I felt support from both of them.

"I can call Reid if that helps at all..." I know Freddie is much closer to him than we are and appreciated the help.

"That would be great....thanks...I'll call you later...." 

I hung up the phone and looked at Brian. He seemed tired and he leaned over and placed his head on my shoulder. I pressed a kiss to his chin and sighed.

"What did Fred say?" he asked me quietly. 

"That we are a family and we will get through this together.." I answered. I ran my hand over his head and considered calling Deacy next. This was going to be a long day. "Try and get something to eat....let me call Deaks..." Brian nodded and pulled away from me and stood up.

"There's some pastries...I'll get you some tea..." Clare told Brian as he walked over to the counter. I dialed the phone number and took a deep breath.

"Hello..."

"Hey Deaks...it's Rog..."

"Hey Rog....got that pool ready for us?" I had completely forgot that the Deacons were coming over today to swim with us. I glanced over at the calendar on the wall and saw the reminder. Shit!

"I'm actually calling to tell you something...it's bad news I'm afraid..." I told Deacy the tale of what transpired last night and what Freddie has said during our previous call. He listened and was completely supportive.

"I'm sorry you are facing this Rog...you and Brian don't deserve this at all...you're just a family trying to live your life like anyone else..." I appreciated the kind words of my friend. 

"Thanks Deaks...that means a lot to me....to Brian..." 

"If you need to cancel the swim plans...I understand...we can do it another day..." Despite the situation at hand, it seemed like sticking with our plans and having a normal afternoon would be a nice distraction. The newspapers held nothing and the mail would arrive at any moment. Getting some support from friends right now would help. I also knew that Tiger Lily wanted to see Robert.

"You know what? Let's keep the plans for today...we could use some normalcy right now....we'll see you later...and thanks Deaks..."

"We will see you soon..." Deacy replied and we hung up. 

"I told Deaks to come over as we had planned..." I told Brian as he picked at a pastry. He smiled thinly at me.

"Alright..." he answered and was quiet as he took a bite of his breakfast. There was nothing I could say to make Brian feel better right now so I left him to his thoughts and decided to make the best of today. 

"Who wants to get ready for a swim?" I asked out loud and Tiger Lily looked up at me with delight. 

"Me Papa!" she told me and I smiled as I walked over and took her hand. 

"Let's go get dressed then..." I said to her and we headed upstairs.

\-----------------------

"There was nothing in the mail...just bills..." Brian informed me when he came upstairs to get ready for our visitors. I wasn't sure if I was relieved to hear this or dismayed that we don't know what the intent of the thief is yet. I already had on my swim trunks and had got Tiger Lily dressed. She was sitting on our bedroom sofa playing with a baby doll. I tossed Brian his own swim suit as he walked to the bathroom. 

"I guess we just wait and see what happens...." I said to him as he closed the door. I rubbed my shoulder as I went to take a drink of my water on my nightstand and then came over and sat down next to Tiger Lily. She was trying to comb the doll's hair and had the comb stuck. "Let me get that for you..." I told her and managed to extract the comb from the knotted nylon hair. I began working out the knots in the doll's hair. "Are you trying to do dolly's hair like Uncle Freddie did yours?" I asked her as she held the comb. She nodded and stuck the comb out to me. Once I had the knots unraveled I combed the hair out straight as Brian came in the room.

"Fix hair Papa..." Tigs asked me. I got the hair smooth and straight as Brian watched me. Tigs handed me a ribbon and I managed to get the doll's hair pulled into a ponytail with the ribbon wrapped around it. It wasn't the best looking ponytail but my daughter seemed happy with it. 

"Here you go princess..." I said to her as I handed her the doll. The telephone rang and Brian walked over and answered it. I watched as he took the call.

\---Brian's POV ---

"Hello.."

"Brian...it's John Harris..." I found it odd for our roadie to be calling our home. I was curious what this was about.

"Hi John.." I replied to be friendly.

"Look...I'll get right to the point....I'm calling because you've probably realized by now someone was in your house...." My stomach churned at his words. How did he know?

"Yes...we discovered last night...do you know anything about this?" I asked him with a mix of panic and hope. I turned and gestured at Roger to get his attention. He immediately saw the worry in my face and stood up.

"I won't beat about the bush Brian....I took those things.." I was shocked to hear he was the one behind this and my heart hurt at the thought of being betrayed by someone who works for us. I sat down on the bed to try and manage the emotional blow in hearing this.

"Why did you do this?" I asked him with pain in my voice. Roger came right up to me and I mouthed 'John Harris' to him. His expression shifted dramatically from curiosity to anger.

"Well you fucking fired me...didn't you?" John declared to me. It was the first I heard he had been fired. I looked at Roger with confusion.

"You were fired?" I asked. "When did this happen?" 

"Oh.. get off it Brian! You've never liked me! You told me in Wales you'd have me fired because of hanging out with Roger....now I've been sacked by Peter and Ratty and I know you probably had something to do with it!" 

"John....I was upset about you taking Roger out and getting him drunk and doing drugs...but that stopped and I've not had any quarrel with you since....I assure you I had nothing to do with your getting fired!" Roger bolted from our bedroom and I wasn't sure what he was doing. I tried to focus on the issue at hand. I gripped the edge of the bed with my fingers.

"Well I've been sacked and you're going to pay me to get these things back or I'm going to that fella with the News of The World!" Before I could respond someone came on the telephone line with us.

"What the fuck is going on John?" Roger shouted in the phone line. He had apparently gone to another phone in the house and picked it up.

"I want some money for my troubles mate and you better fucking pay up or I'm going to the papers with your story!" John's voice had gotten harsher.

"Don't you dare think you can go to the papers John! This is my life and my family you are messing with!" Roger yelled at him.

"Calm down! Both of you!" I shouted into the phone so they would hear me. "Look! I'm sure we can come to an agreement of some sort with you John....please... just don't go to the press..alright?" I begged him. "I know your upset right now...please think of the children..." I reminded him there was more to this than hurting Roger and myself. Both of them made noises of trying to get a hold of themselves. Tiger Lily walked up and stood in front of me with a frightened look on her face. "John...please think of Tiger Lily..." I said in the phone calmly as I reached over and stroked her cheek and tried to give her a smile. I know John is fond of her and I hoped invoking her name would help.

"Brian...let me handle this...go take care of her..." Roger instinctively knew Tiger Lily was still in the room with me and had to be scared. It was probably for the best that Roger talk to him since John had some issue with me. 

"Alright..." I reluctantly hung up the phone and reached out to pull my girl into my arms. "Don't worry poppet....Papa will fix this..." I said to her quietly and hugged her close.

"I love Papa..." Tigs told me sweetly. I smiled at her words and felt strengthened by them.

"I know...I love Papa too.." 

\---Roger's POV---

"John...listen to me..." I began and tried to keep my cool. I was beyond angry at his vengeful actions against us. "We didn't know you'd been fired...and I understand you're upset with our organization right now....but we can work this out...." I explained to him calmly. "Can I meet you somewhere so we can talk?" I hoped we could settle this today and I could get back our things and get his word to keep quiet.

"23 Gladstone Terrace.." John replied. "Two o'clock..." 

I parked my car in front of his building and extinguished my cigarette. After convincing Brian to let me go alone I had left the house. It was too late to catch Deacy and his family coming to swim so Brian would explain what happened when they arrived. I stopped at the bank on my way to John's flat and withdrew several thousand pounds. I had to know this was settled and he wouldn't do anything with his knowledge or the evidence. I walked to the door and knocked and waited. After a minute the door swung open and John stood in front of me. He was clearly hung over and appeared haggard and weary. He needed a shower and a shave.

"Can I come in?" I asked carefully and tried to keep my tone friendly. He nodded and took a step back to allow me entrance. I followed him to his small sitting room and found the place in a bad state. As bad as he looked. There were takeaway boxes and empty bottles strewn about and some dirty clothes and a spilled bin of trash. The room reeked of stale cigarettes and beer. It was apparent his girlfriend didn't live here anymore. I pushed some clothes from a chair and took a seat. John stood in the doorway and stared at me. "You still with Tandy?" I asked him as he took a few steps to a table and grabbed a half empty bottle of beer and placed it to his lips as he fumbled for his cigarettes.

"She left about 6 months ago.." he mumbled to me as he lit a cigarette. "Got tired of me always being gone..." I felt bad that his job had cost him his relationship. I was lucky that I worked with Brian and we spent most of our time together. These separations didn't happen to us.

"I'm sorry mate...that's too bad.." I said with sincerity. "You don't look good John...what's been going on with you..." I did want to know how he ended up where he is right now. Fired and living in this mess. John looked at me with a touch of anger in his face.

"It's funny how you only care now that I've threatened you with exposure..." he said with irritation. "And we used to be mates....but you dropped me like a bad penny and hardly given me a word for ages...." his words stung me.

"I know we've not hung out much lately...you have to understand I had to get myself straightened out ...I didn't want to lose what I have with Brian...and I've got kids John...I had to get my priorities straight....and as much as I enjoyed partying with you...it isn't what I should be doing..." I explained to him. He raised his hand up and pointed at me with an irate expression.

"So you get everything in life and I get nothing!" John argued to me. "You get the family and the money and the fame....I work harder than you do and you've got the world handed to you!" he tried to imply I had an easy life. I wasn't sure what this was about but it rubbed me the wrong way.

"Don't you dare try and tell me I've hand things handed to me!" I told him sternly. I tried to hold my temper but it was faltering at his accusations. "I busted my ass for years to get what I have... and as you well know, one word to the public about Brian and I and it's over!" I wanted him to remember the threat that looms over my family. "Don't punish my family because your angry at me..." I asked him in a calmer voice. "C'mon John...you're a better man than this.." John shoved his cigarette into the neck of his beer bottle and let it roll onto the table next to him.

"You got any money?" he asked me bluntly as he lit another cigarette. I was saddened that he had brought our relationship to this level. But I needed him to keep quiet and get over whatever chip is on his shoulder. I needed to know what is really going on underneath all this anger.

"Before we talk about that...tell me why you were fired.." John looked surprised and took a long drag from his cigarette.

"I got the sack after the show in Liverpool..." he explained to me and lowered his eyes with chagrin. "They told me I was out because of the drugs..." he said quietly. I hadn't realized his drug use had become an issue with his work. 

"Have you been using on the job?" I asked him in a considerate tone. I was sad to see his career ending because he couldn't control his habit. John seemed to struggle with his answer. He ran a hand over his face as he tossed his cigarette into an already full ashtray. He sighed heavily and then looked over towards a window. 

"I thought I had a handle on things..." he finally spoke and it confirmed he had been getting high while working. My anger at him began to dissipate as I saw myself looking at a man who had become addicted and it was taking its toll. A part of me knew this could have been me if I had let myself give in to the compulsion to drown my problems in drugs and alcohol. I was reminded of the sad state of my father's life as his continued drinking was destroying his health. John's my age and he already looked five years older. I knew what I had to do.

"John...if you know this has gotten out of hand....are you willing to get some help to kick it?" John raised his head and looked me straight in the eye. I hoped he could see my intent. "Cause if you are....let me get you some help mate..." I saw him tremble and cover his face with his hands. He didn't say a word and I heard a small cry escape him. I got up from my seat and walked over to him. I could see the weight upon him as he struggled with accepting his situation. I put my hand on his shoulder to comfort him. We were silent for a while as he tried to get himself back in check. 

"I've got no money Rog....I'm broke from buying and I've only got friends who want to use...Tandy left because of the drugs....not the job...." he finally confessed. He let out a shuddering breath as he wiped at the tears in his eyes. I pressed my hand into his shoulder for support.

"How about you go somewhere and get cleaned up and then you can start over..." I suggested. "Take care of yourself and I will make sure we take care of you when you're done..." I felt we owed John the chance to get straight. He had been a loyal employee and was only making shit choices right now because he was in a tailspin. The malice I felt earlier was gone and I found myself wanting to see him get sober and come back to Queen to continue with us. I was certain the others would agree with me. "Check in somewhere and get sober....when you're ready...come back to us John....I promise your job will be there when you're ready..." 

"What about my flat?" he asked me in a worried voice. "I'm behind on the rent...I've got some bills..." he explained and pointed to a stack of mail on the table. I walked over and picked up the letters and looked them over. They were small debts. 

"Don't worry about these....and I'll take care of your rent....just get some help mate..." John nodded and looked me in the eye.

"Alright...I'll do it..."

After several phone calls and waiting for an answer, John began to pack a bag to take with him to the private clinic John Reid knew about. I informed Reid that the cost of the treatment would be covered under the band's expenses and if the other's disagreed I would pay for it. I cleaned up some of the mess in John's flat and took his trash out to the large bins while he finished getting ready to go. I came back inside to find John was ready. He held out a large envelope to me and I knew it was the things he stole from my house.

"Sorry Rog..." he said to me in a penitent tone. "It was a shit thing to do you....I'm sorry about what I said to you...and to Brian....please tell him I'm sorry..." 

"You can make it up to us both by getting better..." 

We left his flat and I grabbed his stack of bills for us to pay while he got treatment. We were soon at the private clinic north of London. I walked in with him and made sure he checked in and didn't change his mind. We shared a strong hug before he was taken back and I began the drive home to my family. I stared more than once at the envelope resting in my passenger seat. Relieved this nightmare was over and worried about future problems with the people who worked for us and who we had to trust with our secret. I thought about the conversation I had with John as we drove to the clinic and he told me how easy it was to break in the house. How he figured out what we might use for a combination on the safe on his first try. It left me feeling vulnerable as I arrived home and surveyed our property. I parked my car and leaned forward placed my arms over the steering wheel and let out a deep breath.

We had come close to having our most private life handed over to the fucking tabloids and I couldn't help but feel we got lucky this time. I said a silent prayer that we never face this again but knew deep inside that was a dream. I just hoped I never faced the nightmare of our relationship being front page news and everything that came with it. I couldn't wait to get inside and hold my husband and slid out of the car as I grabbed the large envelope and knew we couldn't use Tiger Lily's date of birth for a combination anymore. As I walked to the house some words came into my head and I knew I had the beginnings of a song.

'Hey you boy, hey you'  
'Hey you boy, think that you know what you're doing..'


	105. If You Make It To The Top..And You Want To Stay Alive - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N - Please be mindful of the dates indicated in this chapter! There will be a time jump in the story. Please remember that I love to follow timelines but sometimes will change things for storytelling purposes.

18th July 1977

Surrey/London

Brian's POV

"I guess we can add another top 20 hit to our accomplishments.." Roger remarked to me as we listened to the radio. It was the weekly chart countdown and 'Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy' was at number 17. We shared a satisfied smile between us before he resumed reading. I took a sip of my tea and set my cup down on the end table in our bedroom. I watched as Roger looked through a magazine. He was lounged in the corner of our bedroom sofa flipping through the pages with his feet in my lap. I admired how cute he looked with his glasses on. They were the pair he only wore in private. I found him to be quite studious as he pored over some news story. "Did you know they had to rescue 4000 people from the subways during that blackout in New York City?" Roger remarked to me. "Can you imagine being trapped underground with the power out in the summer heat?" While I thoroughly enjoy the heat of summer, I shuddered at the thought of this scenario.

"I guess its a good thing we can afford an air conditioned limo when we're in the city.." I commented and Roger appeared amused by my remark. He closed his magazine and dropped it on the side table. He leaned forward and then moved his feet from my lap as he proceeded to crawl over to me. I shifted a little to accommodate him as he climbed into my lap. He faced me as he straddled my thighs and got settled as I wrapped an arm around his back.

"Speaking of heat..." he said in a low voice with a seductive smile. "Want to go take a late night dip with me?"

"Yeah..." I said to him as we shared a few quick kisses. We stayed in this position for a few minutes just enjoying being close and the low volume of the radio playing in the background. It felt good to have some quiet time with him and my family. Our tour had ended several weeks ago and we had enjoyed some down time before spending a few weeks in the studio just workshopping some of our new material. Everyone was on board with a simpler approach with our new record and our creativity was in full swing. Roger had revealed to the band his solo recording effort and they were surprised but supportive. They weren't going to pay for his expenses from our band account but this was fine. Roger was having the studio time billed to our home. He was recording the tracks for his single on his birthday. I planned to stay away from the session partly because he wanted to do this on his own and partly because there was some press interest in his venture. Jo planned to go to the studio with him and they would be photographed together. So it was good for us all around. A planned release date was slated for August.

Roger slid out of my lap and we both went to throw on our swim trunks. We were quiet as we took our spiral stairs down to the lower floor. It was close to midnight and Clare and the kids were asleep. Alli had gone back to Truro. The back garden was lowly lit from some outdoor lighting as Roger sat our towels on a chair and we walked into the pool using the steps as we didn't want any splashing waking anyone up. The water was so relaxing as we both dove under and loosened up by doing a few strokes around the pool. I surfaced and wiped my hair from my face as I saw Roger heading for the deep end. He was treading water as he turned to watch me wearing a contented smile. The night air was cool and there was a slight breeze. I looked up and noticed how clear and vivid the nighttime sky was. My entire line of vision was filled with the beauty of the stars against a velvet backdrop. It reminded me this was one of the reasons I liked living out here and away from the city. This was certainly a view I didn't get from the roof or windows of London. I swam over to take a seat on the steps and just leaned back on my hands and kept looking up. I soon became transfixed by the sight above me.

"Enjoying the view?" I heard Roger ask me and realized he had swam closer to me. I nodded to him and then looked down at him as he approached me.

"It's certainly a benefit of being here in the countryside..." I remarked to him. Roger got in front of me and looked up as I resumed my stargazing.

"It isn't quite the view we had in Tenerife but it is beautiful!" Roger said to me as he used his hands to clear his hair from his face. I looked down at him and smiled at his wonder as he gazed upward. I admired his form in the low light of our outside lights and considered the star that sat before me. I was now transfixed by him in the moonlight.

"I still consider you my favorite star..." I said to Roger in a whimsical tone and Roger looked down at me and rolled his eyes.

"That line is so corny Bri..." he said to me with a large smirk on his lips. He moved closer to me and I took hold of his arm and pulled him into the spot between my legs.

"Those celestial bodies have nothing on this one..." I said to him in a sexy voice and ran my hand up his chest. His smirk turned to a genuine smile.

"That's better...." he remarked and leaned in to kiss me. I sat up more and accepted his lips. We spent some time kissing in a slow and lazy manner. We parted and shared a happy smile.

"You know Rog... its almost midnight... care to make love one more time before your husband turns 30?" Without a word Roger pulled away from me and began to climb out of the pool and held out his hand to me.

"C'mon old man... time's a wasting.." he said to me and I laughed and got up and followed him into the house as we both quickly toweled off. We made quick work of getting up the stairs and both dropped our wet swim trunks on our bedroom carpet as we began kissing and fell onto our giant bed laughing and smiling. We ignored our damp hair and the faint odor of chlorine as I forced Roger on his back and laid myself over him and kissed all over his face and neck.

The radio was still on and the room was cool from open windows. Our hands quickly roamed all over each other as we retained our happy smiles and contented feeling from earlier. I glanced at the clock and saw it was 11:50 pm. I rolled onto my back to reach over and get the lube and Roger turned around on the bed and got positioned over me where I could finger him and he knelt down and took me in his mouth as I got my fingers wet. His mouth felt amazing as always as I tried to keep quiet from his efforts. Roger made some loud noises of his own and I ran a finger over his entrance and then leaned over and licked him. He moved against my mouth and I lifted my hips as we were both pretty worked up. I got him opened up and had to pull him away from me so I wouldn't miss out on being inside him. Roger turned around as I wiped my mouth and kissed me before he laid back and spread his legs in front of me. He looked over at the clock and grinned invitingly at me.

"It's 11:56 babe..... how about we go into your new decade in this world together?" he said with a tender tone. My heart swelled at his words and smiled lovingly at him as I moved up between him thighs and leaned down and kissed him.

"I love you Roggie..." I told him and lifted his legs up over my hips as I pressed myself slowly into him. We both moaned with pleasure as I got seated and began to slowly move against him. I lifted one of his legs and bent it closer to his chest and kissed his calf as I began to move more purposefully. Seeing this pleasured expression and deep smile made it even better as I savored the tight feel of him around me.

"Love you Brimi... happy birthday..." he told me sweetly. I leaned closer and we shared soft kisses. I decided I wanted him on top of me and stilled and slid out.

"Get in my lap..." I said to him and Roger eagerly moved around on the bed to let me sit back. He straddled me and raised his bum up so I could get myself positioned. He sunk down onto me and we both groaned in satisfaction. I got my hands wrapped around his hips and looked into his heavenly face as we began to move together. It was the perfect way to finish our lovemaking and to head into my future as a 30 year old man. We finished and fell into a sated slumber in each others arms. I didn't think my birthday could be any better than this moment.

\---19th July 1977---

The knocking on our bedroom door woke us up and Roger rubbed his eyes as he slid out of bed and grabbed a pair of pajama bottoms from the end of the bed and put them on.

"Hang on!" he told the person knocking and I slipped into the bathroom to pee and put on my robe. I heard him open the door as I stepped into a pair of briefs. I walked out and smiled at the sight of Tiger Lily standing there holding a handmade card. I went over to and kneeled down next to her and sat on my legs.

"Happy birfday!" she told me with a slight lisp in her words and held out her folded piece of paper to me. I took it from her and opened it up and saw a page full of brightly colored scribbles and what was clearly Clare's handwriting across the top. 

"Awww! This is lovely...thank you poppet!" I told her and she puckered up her lips and we shared a loud kiss. 

"Mwwaaa!" she said as our lips parted and Roger laughed. Tigs took my hand and tugged on it. "Let's go!" she said excitedly and I wondered where she wanted to go. 

"Papa and I need to get dressed.." I told her and she made that same irritated face that Roger gets and pulled on my hand again.

"Now!" she whined at me. I got up from my sitting position. 

"Give me just a minute to put something on..." I insisted. 

"C'mon Tigs....let's go on down...give Daddy a minute..." Roger told her and took her hand. I smiled at Roger referring to me as Daddy and Roger winked at me as they left the room. We had decided after much deliberation to go ahead and let Tiger Lily call me Daddy. After mulling over the confusion and jealousy she had about Jimi it felt like the best thing for her. It wasn't the greatest for us because if she did call me this in public it prompted questions. In the end we decided we just didn't care anymore. We had a simple explanation and if people didn't buy it or like it - well - Fuck Them! - as Roger always says. What we had wasn't illegal and despite people's feelings about homosexuality or alternative lifestyles we really weren't hurting anyone by living our lives the way we choose. We remained private and would keep up appearances as needed but it felt good to start to let go of some of my anxiety about being our true selves.

I got dressed and took the spiral stairs down and looked for everyone. I could hear activity in the kitchen and walked in to find them all seated at the table and a stack of pancakes was at my seat piled with whipped cream and sprinkles and a lit candle on top. Tiger Lily was jumping up and down in her chair and Clare was gesturing to me to sit as Roger held Jimi in his arms and waved his little hand at me.

"This is lovely...thanks!" I said as I went over to my seat. I stopped and gave Clare a chaste kiss and then sat down and leaned over to kiss Jimi and Roger both. Roger leaned my son towards me and I kissed his soft pudgy cheek and then shared a kiss with Roger. I turned my attention to my birthday breakfast and looked at the candle.

"Make a wish!" Clare said to me and I thought for a moment and hoped that my life would always be as perfect as it is right now and smiled widely as I blew out the candle.

\---19th July 1979 - 2 years later---

"I could say my life seemed perfect then...." I told Mack as I sat and felt embarrassed that I had not spoken to him in 2 years. 

"Okay....so what has changed? Something has or I wouldn't have got this phone call..." I rubbed my face with frustration and then reached over and took hold of the glass of vodka on my nightstand. I took a large drink.

"Where do I begin?" I said to him and felt a little overwhelmed by what has happened since I last visited his office and sat on his couch to share my life. And my problems. 

"How about you tell me what has happened in your life since you turned 30 and we can go from there.." he suggested. I let out a sigh of relief that he had at least directed me on where to begin. 

"Okay...that makes sense..." I replied and took a deep breath before I dove into my recent past. "We made that record...'News of The World' and recording and promotion took up the rest of 77..." I explained and tried to remember any details from that time that mattered. "I can say at that time the only friction in my life was having more arguments in the studio while we recorded and we did make a decision to get out of our management agreement with John Reid.."

"I remember reading about that in the papers...you all hired your solicitor, Jim Beach, as your representative..."

"That's right! Deacy made a proposal to us all about how things would be better for us financially and also with autonomy... if we self-managed... Beach agreed to be our manager in regards to business and legal affairs but decisions are up to the band and we would guide our careers going forward....we've certainly kept a lot more of our money....but that caused us another set of problems.."

"Too much money can cause problems?" Mack asked. I know it sounds ridiculous but in England it had become a real problem. 

"You remember Callaghan's* people imposed that higher tax rate...right?" I asked Mack. "We were being taxed at 83%!" I heard him gasp into the phone.

"Wow! I hadn't realized that had affected you that way.....that is a lot!" 

"We had to think about leaving the country....and we did...it was the only way to salvage the money we made from all that hard work!" I explained to him. "That is one of the reasons why you haven't seen me....we've been abroad..." 

"So where did you go?" Mack asked me. 

"We spent the spring of 78 touring Europe and then recorded in Montreux and Nice in the summer months..." I replied. "We also spent a lot of time on the road touring after that.." 

"I guess you haven't been home then..." He was right. 

"We were in England for the holidays but then got back out on the road.." I felt tired thinking about our relentless schedule. 

"So if you've been gone...have you been able to see your family?" he asked me with concern.

"We did take the kids with us for part of our tour....during the warmer months....and we had a break in March and went on holiday..."

"I'm glad to hear that...though I guess you've not seen your parents much.." He was right. I've not seen as much of my parents as I would like. They miss us and the kids. We miss them.

"We always see them when we are touring Britain and when we are actually home..so that helps...and they came over for a visit when we were in France.....we took the kids with us when we recorded 'Jazz' so that was great really....one of the best parts of the year...we rented a villa and had a lovely summer..." 

"It sounds like you've made the best of a bad situation...what is going on right now?" This is where I found trouble explaining things. Some of it is easy but some of it... I took another drink from of my vodka and sighed.

"We need to make a new album...and we decided to make a change....so we've come to Munich to record with a producer here....Reinhold Mack..." I told my therapist. 

"Germany...well that is a different setting..." 

"It is...we started with putting together our first live album in Montreux...we spent most of that time arguing about what we wanted on the record....it's been a little tense in the studio..." I explained to him. "Now we are working on some tracks for our new record..."

"So it sounds like work is taking up a large part of your life....do you have the children with you?" 

"No...this place doesn't feel as homey as the other towns we stayed in....and Tiger Lily was going to start her schooling...so we decided to leave them at home..." I glanced over at the photograph of my girl on my nightstand....not a baby anymore and already enrolled at our local school.

"Wow! Already school age! They do grow up fast!" Mack commented. "It's a shame you can't have them with you...how long do you think you will be working there?" he asked me.

"We've started some work on our new record and plan to be here a few more weeks..." I explained as I eyed my glass of vodka again.

"How are you and Roger doing?" he asked me next. I took another drink of my vodka and looked over at the empty spot on my bed. I sighed inside.

"We are pretty good....it just seems like we are so busy...we haven't had as much time for just ourselves...just the two of us with nothing else going on.." I answered. 

"That's a common complaint of two working people with kids Brian...is there something specific worrying you?" I began to feel a little foolish for why I called but knew deep down inside I needed to talk about it. I noticed my glass was empty and felt disappointed by it. I focused back on Mack's question.

"Did I tell you our producer's name?" I said to him with an attempt at laughing. 

"It was Reinhold Mack...right?" he replied. I nodded as I tried to form a smile.

"Yeah....it's funny....we call him Mack as well..." I said to Mack and he chuckled in the phone.

"So you have two Macks at your disposal these days.." he remarked with amusement. I lost my smile and wished I had more vodka. I slid my fingers into my hair and looked at the empty spot on my bed and wondered when Roger might be coming back.

"I get along much better with you..." I told him in a somber tone. I felt the threat of tears and blinked to try and prevent the onset. "I feel like the other Mack and I have got off to a bad start..." I said and choked back my emotions.

"I'm sorry to hear that Brian...what makes you think that?" my therapist inquired. I appreciated the compassion in his voice. 

"Let's just say that our working styles are quite different..." I began and tried to keep my voice calm. "He is more about quick decisions and moving on to the next section or song...he's not as interested in considering all the options..." I explained as I thought about what happened and wiped at the tears threatening to spill out.

"And you like to take more time with your work?" Mack proposed back to me. 

"I do....I've always tried to install a measure of quality in my work and for me that takes times and a lot of thought..." I answered with a touch of pride. "But Mack doesn't seem to have the patience for this and I've felt a lot of tension as a result...." 

"Have you tried discussing your strategy with him and come to some sort of compromise? Have you told him how this makes you feel?" Mack inquired of me. "Maybe you could ask your band mates to say something as well about your work style and try to find a solution?" His words made sense but the problem wasn't just Mack. I felt the return of being foolish and maybe a touch of pettiness. But after what happened in the studio I felt vindicated about my feelings. I wanted to solely blame Mack but knew I had to consider all the events that took place. The guys didn't have my back.

"I'm afraid my bandmates aren't on my side..." I finally confessed and got a firm grip on the phone and my hair. 

"Are you sure? They know you...surely they could say something.." he responded with confidence. A mix of anger and sadness came over me.

"Yes...they do know me...and maybe that makes what happened even more upsetting.." I revealed to Mack. 

"I can tell something has upset you...what happened Brian?" The tears finally made their appearance and I just let them go. They slid down my face as I answered him.

"Fred wrote a new track and wanted to record it right away...he had just arrived from London and called Roger and Deaks to meet him in the studio so they could work on it..." I said with emotion filling my voice. "He called them and not me...and they laid down the track without me..." 

"Is that unusual for your band?" he asked me for clarification. I swallowed my tears so I could explain.

"There have been a few times we've not all worked on something at once...but everyone knew about it and it was agreed to..." I tried to find the right words so he could understand. So I could understand why I am so gutted right now. "Sometimes we've hired two studios and split up to finish something to keep a deadline..." 

"But this wasn't the case?" Mack questioned. No. It wasn't.

"Roger got the call from Fred and told me he was going to see Freddie in his hotel suite....several hours went by and I hadn't heard from him so I called and found out he and Freddie had gone to the studio....when I checked with Deaks...well...he had gone there as well...so I went down to see what was going on and found them all listening to the finished track they just made..."

"Gosh Brian! How did you feel when you found out?" I wiped my face with my shirt sleeve and sniffed hard to make it easier to keep talking.

"Betrayed! Lied to! Angry! Mostly hurt!" I responded and sniffed again. "They all laughed when I walked in and said I was just in time!" I cried out to him. "If I could just manage the guitar solo and a few backup vocals then it was all in order!" I complained with a tone of haughtiness.

"That must have hurt to feel left out.." Mack empathized. 

"It did! I felt like a hired hand and not really part of the group.." I said in a tense voice. My stomach clenched with the hatred I felt right now. 

"Have you talked to them about it?" he asked me. "Told them how it made you feel?" My hand slipped from my hair and I clenched my fist and slammed it down on the mattress.

"I did! And you know what they said?" I said incredulously. "It was Mack's idea and they went along with it!" 

"I can see why you're upset with your producer..." Mack responded. I sighed and pounded my fist on the mattress.

"Yeah! I am!" I said with my anger on display. "But I am pretty upset with the guys as well...they didn't have my back!" I clarified. 

"No..they didn't..." he agreed. "I know things are tense with the group right now...how is this playing out with you and Roger?" I looked over at the empty spot on the bed again.

"I've not spoken to him since it happened yesterday..." I answered. "Actually...I've not spoken to any of them..." I confessed.

"Is this about needing time to cool off?" Mack queried in a concerned tone.

"Yes...and time to think..." I answered.

"Think about what?"

"About leaving the group...." I said to him and felt my stomach churn with anxiety. 

"Oh Brian!" Mack said with a sadness in his voice. "Are you seriously considering leaving the group?" he asked me intently. I closed my eyes and laid my arm across my face.

"I don't know....I'm just really upset about this and to be honest....I've felt really overwhelmed by everything lately.....we've got so much on our plate and more to come...it's starting to feel never ending..." 

"I can imagine that would make you rethink staying in the group...have you been feeling anxiety about this....are you feeling depressed at all?" Mack inquired. I kept my arm over my face and eyes.

"Maybe....I don't know..." I answered quietly. 

"Are you still taking any medication?"

"No....things had been good in my life and the pills seemed to stop doing much for me...so I just stopped taking them..." I said honestly. 

"Maybe you should call your doctor or see about seeing a psychiatrist..." I thought about this and felt annoyed that I couldn't see Dr. Thomas since I am abroad right now. The thought of having to see someone new and explain everything over again and reveal my private life felt more tiresome than everything else at the moment.

"Okay..." I said just to get past the topic. 

"I would encourage you to talk to your friends Brian and try and work through this....maybe you can arrange some time off after Munich....maybe you and Roger could get away somewhere alone and refresh yourself...." 

"You're right....maybe I'm just tired..." I agreed and actually felt exhausted from all the emotion of the past few days. I was ready to get off the phone and take a bath or something. "Look...I need to go....thanks so much for calling me back...it has helped...I do feel better about things.." 

"I am glad to hear that....can I call you next week at this time and we can talk further? I want to know you're doing okay..." Mack suggested. I nodded as I anticipated ending the call.

"That's good..yeah....I'll talk to you next week...thanks again Mack.." I said and rolled over and hung up the phone. I moved my arms to help me sit up and got up from the bed and walked over to the small kitchen area and opened a cabinet. I pulled out a new bottle of vodka and began to pull the seal off of it. I grabbed a fresh glass and poured myself a new serving. I stood at the counter and contemplated getting pissed. I emptied the glass and took hold of the bottle and walked towards the bathroom. Getting drunk in the tub sounded like fun and I forced a smile and went in and sat the bottle down on the tile as I started the water. I soon had a warm stream running and a scoop of bubble bath and stripped off my clothes. I slid into the sudsy water and reached over and took hold of the vodka as I slid back into the tub. I sighed before I took a large drink of the harsh liquid. I eyed how much vodka was left and held up the bottle above me.

'Happy birthday to me!' I sang in feigned jolliness and then took a giant swig of the liquor. I almost dropped the bottle as I heard the door to my hotel room burst open and shouts from several people filled the air. Familiar voices rang out.

"Where the fuck are you?" I heard Roger yell and I formed a grimace on my face and shouted.

"Fuck off!" My request was ignored as he and the others bounded into the bathroom. I sat the bottle of vodka on top of my privates and waved them away with my free hand. "Get the fuck out of my bath!" I told them and realized I sounded a bit drunk. They were all laughing and Deacy lingered in the doorway and Freddie took a seat on the toilet and rolled his eyes at me. Roger came over and plopped down on the edge of the tub and looked right at me.

"Alright mister! We've allowed you 24 hours of punishing us with your silence...so now you have to let it go so we can celebrate your birthday!" Roger informed me in a firm tone. "Though it looks like you started the party without us.." he added and tried to grab my vodka bottle. I gripped it firmly and tried to avoid smiling at him. I didn't want him to have any satisfaction in making me feel better. He was smiling widely at me and I hated his beautiful smile right now. 

"It's my birthday...I can pout all I want!" I reminded him and leered at the other two. Freddie huffed and got up from the toilet and left the room.

"Fine! You leave us no choice..." Freddie mumbled as he disappeared. I was curious what he meant as Deacy watched him from the doorway.

"What does that mean?" I asked Roger and he reached over and pulled my plug from my bath. "Hey!" I shouted in irritation. He got hold of my vodka bottle and took a drink as I covered myself in front of Deacy.

"Not the first time Bri...won't be the last...get over yourself..." Deacy informed me as he looked at my privates. Freddie came back inside and threw a towel at me and laid some of my clothes on the toilet seat.

"Get out of that tub you sorry sad man and get dressed!" he demanded. I had caught the towel and groaned at them all. 

"C'mon babe! We get it! We went behind your back and recorded the bloody song! We're sorry! We've told you a thousand times...you have to forgive and forget....remember?" Roger said to me as he held out his hand to help me get up. Freddie and Deacy lingered at the doorway.

"Are we forgiven?" Freddie asked me with a serious expression. I sighed and groaned loudly. I did hate them at this moment but fucking loved them as well. Ugh!

"Get out so I can get dried off!" I said in defeat and tried hide my smile and Freddie and Deacy laughed and left the bathroom. Roger got me up and began toweling me off. "I can manage!" I said in an attempt to remain irritated. Roger grinned devilishly at me and reached under the towel and cupped my bottom.

"I promise I will make all this up to you later on..." he said as he squeezed my arse. I wanted to ask if he planned on fucking me every time I was annoyed with the others. He might end being a a very busy man.

"So what's the plan?" I asked him as I finished drying off and he stood and watched me. 

"We found a new place! I think you'll really like it!" he informed me as I slid into my briefs.

"Oh yeah?" I asked him with curiosity. He resumed his devilish grin.

"We went last night and we've made some plans for your birthday tonight..." I slipped into my trousers and zipped them up.

"What is it?" I asked and saw excitement in his eyes.

"It's called the Sugar Shack! You're gonna love it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - *In 1978 British Prime Minister James Callaghan's government imposed a tax rate of 83% on earned income for top earners. This made the musicians who made a lot of money get hit with massive taxes. As a result a lot of them made the difficult decision to live abroad for a certain number of days per year so they could be considered tax exiles.


	106. If You Make It To The Top...And You Want To Stay Alive - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer - I do not speak German and apologize for any errors in this chapter. I relied in Google translate.

17th August 1979

Saarbrucken Germany

Roger's POV

"Here she is with a toy we got her..." I explained as I showed off another photo from Tiger Lily's 5th birthday party. She had whined and begged for this toy that one of her little schoolmates had. It was some type of drawing template for designing clothes called Fashion Plates. "She wanted this toy most of all and Brian found it in a shop in London..." 

"I think my niece has one of those..." Crystal told me as he smiled at the picture of my daughter. "Wow Rog! She is getting so big!" he remarked to me. I felt proud and grinned at Crystal. Brian walked up and smiled at us. "Bri! Tiger Lily is growing up fast...she is such a cutie!" Crystal said to Brian as he eyed the photo. Immense joy spread over Brian's face.

"She's is a beauty..." Brian answered and beamed at me. There was a loud noise from the backstage area and we all turned to look at Ratty throwing his hands up in the air.

"Fucking monitor!" he shouted and we all groaned at the sight of Ratty kicking the piece of equipment as Deacy looked on. 

"It's going to be one of those shows..." Crystal remarked as he laughed and walked back to finish attending to my drums. Brian and I shrugged as we resumed our spots for rehearsal. We ran through our shortened setlist for the festival and felt we were solid despite the technical problems that seemed to plague our rehearsal. But I guess that it was the run through is for. After leaving the electrical issues to the experts we all took off for a party at our hotel being held by the festival performers. We had not met most of the other acts and were introduced by the promoter as we all enjoyed some good German food and beer. I soon switched to a premium Russian Vodka that Freddie has asked for from the bar staff. He and I imbibed as everyone got loose and a heady party atmosphere led us into the late hours of the night. 

Brian spent a lot of time talking with Rory Gallagher as he was one of his guitar heroes. Rory is one of the nicest guys in the business and he and Brian sat in a somewhat transfixed state drinking beer and talking music. The festivities began to wind down around 3 am and I stumbled over to Brian feeling pretty soused. 

"Hey..." I said and didn't want to say anything in front of Rory as they sat at a small table. Brian leaned over and I bent down to whisper in his ear. "I'm heading up....are you coming?" I asked him. Brian glanced over at Rory and then shrugged. 

"Maybe in a bit...go ahead..." he said quietly. I nodded understanding though I felt a little put out as I left the table and and placed a lingering stare upon him. I noticed Rory watching me and turned back with a sigh as I headed for the lift. I leaned against the brass railing in the elevator car as I rode up to our suite. The walls were mirrored and I caught my reflection. The face I saw seemed older to me. I really felt I like I actually looked my age. 30! Fuck! It was hard to believe I had left my 20's. I wondered for a moment if my best years were behind me. I turned my head away from the reality starting back at me from the walls around me and focused on the floor indicator to see how quick I could get to my room. I was soon stepping off and walking a little crookedly to my suite. After getting inside I tossed my room key towards the table and let my jacket slide off my arms as I went for a piss. I relieved myself and went ahead and pulled off my tight trousers and shirt and remained standing in my briefs as I looked myself over in the long mirror in the bathroom. I started with my legs and wished they were longer like Brian's. Okay - maybe not that long but still. They could be longer. I could be a bit taller in my opinion. I got to my stomach and reached down and grabbed at the soft middle and felt like I could pinch too much there. I frowned as I let go of my fat and looked at my torso. There was a semblance of a tan from using the outdoor pool at the hotel in Munich and at home. Some sun on me looked good and I smiled a little at that observation. I held my arms out away from me and appreciated they were tone and bit more built up than they used to be. There was actually a bit a muscle there and I was impressed. Certainly more defined than Brian's skinny arms. I formed a smile at that revelation.

I felt my soft smooth skin on my chest and tweaked my own nipples for fun. I laughed as I tickled my arm pits and then opened my mouth wide and gooned it up a bit in the mirror by pulling long and caricature like faces. Shit! I am drunk! It was in complete seriousness that I carefully scanned over every pore in my face and took in every line and discolored spot. My eyes were puffy and small bags were forming due to a need for sleep. There were some fine lines at the edge of my eyes and lips and I sighed heavily. I did look a little old and quite a bit tired. As I noticed my hair I decided it was mostly to blame. I was long overdue for a cut and some fresh color. My roots had invaded and my blonde locks were fast disappearing under the threat of darker strands.

Maybe a restoration of my golden haired glory is just what I needed to make myself feel better. I had an idea and decided to act on it as I went to find my clothes. I managed to get my trousers and shirt back on and found my jacket on the floor. I slid it back on and foraged around for my room key. I couldn't find it and decided I could get another at the front desk. I got on some shoes and left my suite and got on the lift and went to the lobby. The night attendant greeted me as I approached.

"Du sprichst English?" I asked the young man. He nodded and smiled at me.

"Yes..." he replied. I was relieved and tried to act sober as we communicated.

"I need a chemist....pharmacy?" I inquired. The man nodded and grabbed a map on the counter. He pointed to it.

"One street over..Karlstrabe....look for the 'A' on the sign....Apotheke..." he explained in his thick accent. I understood him and smiled gratefully.

"Thanks...err...danke...." I replied and headed out the front entrance. I got my bearings and found the street name he mentioned. Soon enough I spotted the bright sign bearing the letter A on it. The street was well lit and I entered the chemist. A tall older man greeted me as I walked the aisles and found the area with hair products. There were a few options but the information was only in German. I made a choice based on the picture on the box and walked to the counter and purchased it. I lucked out and found enough currency to pay and left the shop looking for the right direction back to the hotel.

I returned to the hotel and got a hotel key from the desk and was soon back in the lift as I opened the box in my paper sack. After determining Brian had not returned I went inside the suite and pulled my clothes back off and returned to the bathroom to lay out the familiar equipment needed for bleaching ones hair. The instructions were in German but I was certain it worked the same as any other hair bleach and went with my instincts and memory. I turned on the radio in the room to liven my mood and got to work.

Before long my hair was coated in the thick substance and I combed it through to make sure I had good coverage. I really felt like my drunken state had worn off some and wrapped the plastic bonnet around the wet mound of hair to protect it while the bleach worked. I walked into the room and noted the time so I could manage how long to wait before I rinsed my hair. I found a towel and wrapped it around my head and shoulders and slumped down in an overstuffed chair to wait for the result. I ignored the smell of the chemicals and turned the television on for some added entertainment and some bizarre news program was airing. I saw I had about 20 more minutes on my hair and returned my focus to the television. 

\-----------------------------

I was awakened by Brian tugging at my arm. 

"Rog....you want to get in bed?" he suggested to me as I felt woozy and sleepy and opened my eyes to look at him. He was standing in front of me and looking at me intently. "Aren't you cold without a shirt? This room is freezing!" he remarked as he let go of me and began to pull off his clothes. As soon as he said that I did feel a shiver go over me. I realized I was only in my briefs and tried to pull myself from the comfortable chair. As I got up I felt some heaviness on my head and reached up to feel the towel wrapped around it. I suddenly remembered my hair bleach and quickly shot a look at the clock. Oh fuck! 

"Fuck!" I shouted and it made Brian jump as I yanked the towel from my head and began to grab at the plastic bonnet covering my hair and rushed into the bathroom. The counter was a complete mess of spilled hair bleach and clothes strewn about the floor. I ignored it all and went to look in the mirror as I felt a rush of panic go through me. The color on my head wasn't really telling me anything as it was still a wet gooey mess. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" I cried out. I got the shower on as Brian came in to see what I was shouting about. 

"What is going on?" he asked me as he stood in only his trousers. I felt the water and it was warm enough so I jumped in without removing my briefs. "Rog! You left your pants on!" Brian advised me in a surprised tone. I ignored his comment and furiously worked at rinsing my hair. 

"I was doing my hair!" I shouted out at Brian as I ran my fingers through the strands and rubbed at my scalp. "And I fucking fell asleep!" I explained in a harried tone. I muttered more curses but hoped for the best as I had thoroughly rinsed the chemicals from my hair. "Hand me the conditioner packet on the counter....would ya?" I requested. I waited a moment before Brian shoved his hand into the shower. 

"You mean the packet on the floor?" he corrected me and I huffed at him as I snatched the packet and tore it open. I quickly worked the conditioner into my hair and sighed in relief as I leaned against the wall to wait out the time it needed to set. I took a moment to pull off my wet briefs and left them on the shower stall floor. "Why are you doing your own hair and more importantly...why are you doing it at 5 o clock in the morning?" Brian asked through the shower door. They were perfectly valid questions but they were annoying none the less.

"Because I fucking wanted to...alright?" I bitched back at him. I heard Brian make a disgruntled sound as he left the bathroom. I figured the conditioner had done its job and began to rinse it out. After cleaning up overall in the shower I turned the water off and stepped out and grabbed a new towel from the rack. I quickly ran it over my hair and then wrapped it around me and walked over to the foggy mirror. I wiped at the condensation to clear my view and took a close look at my hair. It seemed okay so I decided to relax and walked out of the disaster in the bathroom and found Brian sliding into bed wearing a fresh t shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms.

"Everything okay?" he asked me as he got settled. I trundled over to my suitcase and found a shirt and looked over at him. He was watching me with concern.

"Yeah...it's alright....sorry I snapped at you..." I told him. I got dressed and went over to get in next to him. The sheets were cool but Brian already felt warm so I snuggled up close as he smiled at me and gave me a kiss.

"Let's get some sleep....we've got a show to do..." he reminded me. I closed my eyes and felt him wrap his arm around me as I fell into sleep.

\------------------------

I woke up tired and heard the shower going so I knew Brian was getting ready. I glanced at the clock and saw it was almost noon. I couldn't sleep any longer so I forced the blanket off me and slid out of bed. I stretched and groaned a little at the light headache forming in my head and went into the bathroom. I noticed Brian had cleaned up some of the mess and was grateful as I took a morning piss and then moved over to wash up and brush my teeth. The mirror was fogged over from Brian's shower so I focused on my teeth before bothering with my hair. Brian turned the shower off and reached out for a towel as I rinsed my toothbrush and laid it down. 

I wiped at the mirror since I knew the worst of the moisture was over and got a clear view of my head. As soon as I saw myself I did a double take and wiped furiously at the mirror again as a surge of panic filled my body. 'No! No! No!' I cried to myself as the image in front of me clearly showed me that my hair was not in fact blond. I ran my hands over my head and made a horrid sound as the reality of my situation sunk in.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" I screamed and slammed my fist down on the counter. Brian opened the shower door and yelled at me.

"Calm down!" he began and then stopped as he got a look at me. "Jesus Christ Rog! Your hair!" he declared in shock and quickly tucked a towel around himself and walked over to examine my disaster. I groaned as Brian actually seeing meant it wasn't just a sick imagining on my part. It was real! It was real and it was fucking green!

"Roger! Your hair is green!" Brian exclaimed to me as he went to put his hands on my head. I shoved them away and looked over the sad state of my locks in the mirror again.

"I can see that Brian!" I snapped at him and he remained looking shocked at how green my hair actually is. I groaned as Brian reached into the waste bin and pulled out the hair bleach box. He was examining it as I tried to figure out what I could do. Today was Sunday so I knew there were no hairdressers opened. I wondered if the concierge might know of anyone they could call to help me out.

"The instructions are in German...how did you know what to do?" Brian asked me as he held out the box for me to see the obvious. I sighed at him and grabbed the box and tossed it back in the bin.

"I just used my best guess at it..." I answered and that judgmental look Brian gets that is just like his father's spread over his face. I hate that look! "Don't fucking look at me like that!" I barked at Brian. He stood in his damp towel and put his hands on his hips.

"What are you going to do?" he questioned. I shrugged at him.

"I don't know! It's Sunday so no bloody hairdressers are open and I don't want to try and use some other bleach from the chemist's...." I explained to him as I eyed my hair again in the mirror.

"No...you shouldn't do that..." Brian agreed. He stood behind me as I tried to accept the fact I might be stuck with my hair this way until we get back home. Brian reached up and ran his fingers through my hair and gave me a small smile. "You look ridiculous...but I still love you...if that's any consolation....." he said and we both broke out laughing at the unbelievable mess I created for myself.

\------------------------------

The first big reveal happened with Freddie when Brian and I arrived at the festival grounds and were escorted to our reserved caravan. Brian opened the door and we went inside to find Freddie reading a magazine. He looked up at us and his mouth dropped open. "Oh my god!" Freddie shouted with great alarm in his voice. He rushed over to me with wide eyes and disbelief in his expression. "Roger! What did you do????" he yelled at me. I groaned as he examined my hair and stood there remaining open mouthed and shocked.

"I tried to bleach it last night...and it didn't quite work right..." I explained to him as he made some admonishing noises at me. 

"Well that is an understatement!" Freddie responded and he then looked at Brian. "Why did you let him do this?" he questioned and Brian looked defensive.

"Hey! I wasn't even there when he did it!" Brian argued back. Freddie gave Brian a stern look anyway and returned his attention to me.

"It's a shame Dane isn't here! He'd know how to fix this mess!" he pointed out. Dane had not accompanied us since it was just the one show at the festival. "Maybe I can call him to see what can be done..." Freddie suggested. I looked at my watch and shook my head.

"It's too late Fred....let's just get the show over with and go home!" I whined to him. 

"It's a good thing you're behind that drum kit!" Freddie remarked to me as we all got comfortable in the sitting area of our private quarters. "Maybe I should let you wear this..." Freddie told me and went to hand me a white short top hat. Before I could take hold of it he snatched it away and placed it on his head. "On second thought...you should be duly punished for your foolishness..." he decided. "I'll wear the hat myself so you can see me and be green with envy!" he chortled at me. I rolled my eyes at him and walked to a bucket full of beers and grabbed a tall can. The door to the caravan opened up and Deacy walked in with Ratty. They were laughing about something and in their own little word until they both caught sight of me.

"What the fuck!" Ratty declared and he and Deacy erupted in fresh laughter as they walked over to get a closer look at me.

"Ha Ha! Yes - it's fucking hysterical!" I barked back at them. "Say your worst then...get it out of your system...." I told them in a brusque manner. Deacy just pointed at me as he kept laughing.

"I don't even know where to begin!" Ratty replied and I felt extremely annoyed as I got up from my seat and kept hold of my beer as I took off out the caravan door. The hinged metal door slammed behind me as I began walking around looking at the backstage area. There were several other caravans nearby and I recognized a few people from the party last night. I noticed people staring at me and wondered if I was better off staying in the trailer and getting insulted. I kept walking and soon came upon Rory Gallagher as he got ready to go onstage. 

"Hey Rory!" I said as he walked up to me smiling and warming up with his guitar. 

"Roger! Hey! Ready for your show tonight?" he asked me kindly. I smiled and nodded.

"Sure..I am anxious to see how we go over with this crowd...." I told the legendary Irishman. He gave me a confident look as he glanced up at my hair.

"With that hair I think you'll have the luck of the Irish on your side.." he remarked with a glint of mirth in his face. I rolled my eyes at his leprechaun reference and he patted my shoulder with a light laugh as his roadie grabbed him. "See ya!" he announced as he was led up to take the stage. I shook my head but smiled as I decided maybe I should go back to the group. I wasn't going to escape the ribbings being out here so I turned back towards our caravan.

I arrived just in time for some promotional photos and was soon posing with the band in a large tent nearby. At this point I just let go of it all and decided to own my look for the night. Brian gave me some funny looks as I posed like an edgy punk. We all went to another tent to get some food and were sociable with some local radio people. I soon forgot about my hair and we went back to get dressed for our performance. 

It was a cool night out on the open field where the concert was being held. For once I appreciated the intense heat coming down from the lighting rig above us. The 'pizza oven' as it was christened, was doing its job tonight. Our show was going over well despite some continued technical problems we had seen during rehearsal. My monitor was giving me grief and between the stress with my hair disaster and the sound cutting out on me my frustration increased dramatically. I tried to focus on giving my best performance and hearing everything being said without the benefit of my speaker.

"Alright everybody!" Freddie announced to the audience as he walked the stage in his black leather trousers and jacket. He almost looked menacing but the white hat added a theatrical flair to his stage wear tonight. "We're going to do a little medley now...and this one is different from the last tour...so listen up!" he shouted with delight. I watched Deacy as he quickly played the note Freddie used to get in key as he started up his wailing voice on 'Mustapha.' I joined in with my drums on cue and we rambled through the medley. I sang my part and we moved on to the next few songs as my monitor kept up its intermittent failures. I was pretty irritated by the time Brian began his guitar solo feature and got prepared to do my own solo. I watched Brian lay into his finger work. Seeing his concentration and focus calmed me down a little and soon I joined in the song with my featured moment. The song finished, the crowd roared at us as Freddie smiled widely and he began speaking to the crowd.

"Ladies and Gentlemen....Brian May on guitar!" Freddie announced to the crowd so Brian could take a bow. A huge wave of applause greeted him and he beamed at the response. Freddie turned to look at me with a smug grin. "And on drums...we have Kermit the Frog!" he said loudly in his microphone. My face went hot and I flung a drumstick in Freddie's direction as he moved away quickly. He and Deacy both laughed at me and Brian formed an amused expression. I groaned and wanted to scream but my microphone is hot so that was out of the question.

By the time I was playing my cadence for 'We Will Rock You' I was done! My monitor was a piece of shit! I was pissed at Crystal and the crew for my technical problems. I was livid with Freddie for his remarks and continued jeering about my hair as the night went on. As we shifted into 'Champions' I was smashing my cymbals with a fervor and as Freddie sang out his final lingering note I stood up and proceeded to take out all my pent up fury on my drum kit. My hi hat went down first and I shoved the weight of my body into the main kit and grabbed the stands for my cymbals and threw one over towards Deacy. He ran away and headed towards the front of the stage as I wrecked all my equipment. Freddie looked at me with a broad grin and turned back to the audience as he held out his arm towards me to come forward to take my bow. I was out of breath and practically heaving as I leapt down onto the main floor and stumbled over to half fall into his arms. He caught me and laughed as Brian came up to my side and put his arm around my shoulders as we all bowed low to the roar of the masses.

We left the stage as our recorded music played us out and I got my robe on as Crystal had one eye on me and one on the mess I had left him and the crew on the stage. But I didn't care! I'd had a hell of a day and just wanted to get out of here and go home.

The next day we were flying home and it was Deacy's birthday. We boarded our private plane and were soon airborne. When the flight leveled out our airline hostess brought out a cake we planned to surprise Deacy with. We got him seated at the table in the back of the plane and stood around singing 'Happy Birthday' to him. He giggled at us all and blew out the candles marking his 28th birthday. It was hard to believe he was that old - but shit! I'm 30 now. Brian is 32 and Freddie will be 33 in less than a month. It seemed like yesterday I had my 21st and now all this. We all sat around and reminisced after Deacy opened some presents and told us his holiday plans since we had some time off. The flight landed and we all parted ways to head home for a break from Queen.

I dreaded going home because I knew I was in for a whole other round of teasing about my hair. We were walking to the hired car to take us home and I stopped to make a phone call. It was afternoon local time so I took a chance and called my hairdresser. Lexi was in and listened to my pleas for an emergency appointment. She made room for me so I had the limo driver drop me off there after we took Brian home. My hairdresser was now at a trendy place in Mayfair. I had bought a hat at the Munich airport and kept it on as I walked to the reception desk in the salon. I checked in and took a seat and buried my face in a magazine and hoped no one would recognize me.

"Lexi is ready for you..." the receptionist announced about 15 minutes later. I followed her back to Lexi's station. As I came into the private area I pulled my hat off and Lexi looked at me and grimaced.

"Boy! You weren't kidding!" she remarked to me as she came over and put her hands in my hair to investigate the damage. "Let's get your sorted...." she told me and walked me to her hair sink. A cloak and a towel were put in place and she got my hair wet. "We may have to give you a hair color with some red it in to cancel out the green.." she explained. After an hour she was drying my hair and I decided I had to be okay with this much darker shade. 

I thanked her for rescuing me and walked out to pay at the receptionist desk. I was settling my bill when someone tapped my shoulder. I turned to see a familiar face. I knew her from the village near my home but didn't remember her name.

"It is you!" she said to me. By the way she said the phrase I recalled bumping into her that day in front of the bakery. 

"Yeah...it's me! Sorry..I know you...I don't remember your name..." I said honestly. She smiled at me and gave me a dismissive wave of her hand.

"It's alright...it's been a few years....it's Tilly....you met my mother on a dark road one night after your car crash!" I laughed as I recalled the connection we had and she giggled as well. I shook her hand.

"That's right! Yes...Tilly! And how is your lovely mother these days?" I asked to be polite. She rolled her eyes.

"Still nosing about everyone's business in the village and still making my life a misery...how are you these days Roger? I've seen you on the telly and heard you on the radio..." she remarked. 

"I'm alright...just finished with my appointment.." I said and ran my hand over my freshly dyed hair. She eyed me and then got a funny look.

"I seem to recall you being a light blonde....going for a change?" she asked me with an amused grin.

"To be honest...I had a bit of a bleaching mishap!" I confessed. She burst out laughing and then tried to stop as she looked a little embarrassed at her response. I noticed she was wearing a fairly low cut dress and had on heeled sandals. Her own blond hair was cut with those large feathered bangs like Farah Fawcett had. She was cute and looked a little like Farah with that hairstyle.

"Sorry!" she told me as she collected herself. "I've had the same happen to me and it's dreadful but it's also terribly funny.." she informed me. I smiled at her.

"Yeah....I had all sorts of jokes made..." I confirmed. "It was good to see you again Tilly...but I just flew in from the continent and need to get home...my kids..." I said and then realized I shouldn't have made that plural. She didn't seem to notice and smiled at me as she reached up and touched my hair.

"Well...your hair looks brill..so I think you've staved off a disaster...." she told me. I nodded and went to walk away. She turned as I reached the door. "You'd be hot with any hair color..." she remarked. I waved at her and gave her a grin as I slipped out and looked for my hired car.


	107. If You Make It To The Top...And You Want To Stay Alive - Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a new POV in this chapter!

25th August 1979

Surrey England

Brian's POV

I had a dream last night that I'd never had before. Roger and I were walking down a busy London street and we were holding hands. And people were looking at us but it wasn't because we were holding hands. It was only because we are famous. It felt so odd but it was nice that we could be openly affectionate with each other. Something we have never had in the entire time we've been together. Of course, after all this time, not being this way in public was second nature to us. So my dream felt really good. I had a smile on my face and a warm feeling remembering this image as I opened my eyes and looked over to see that pile of blond hair laying next to me. 

I looked at the closed eyes with long light colored lashes and the partially parted lips nestled next to me and my smile widened. This was my happiness laying next to me. The eyes opened to show me their exquisite beauty. A smile formed on those lovely soft pink lips. We both lifted up and carefully leaned over the pile of children sleeping between us in our bed so we could share a kiss.

"Happy anniversary.." Roger whispered to me after our lips parted. We lingered and looked lovingly at each other and then wanted to laugh at the fact we were separated by two children sound asleep and blocking us from any more intimate contact. Roger carefully slid away from his side of the bed and stood up and walked to our bathroom. Right before he went in he leaned back and looked at me and gestured with his finger for me to follow. I quietly pulled myself from the bed and padded over to the bathroom door. Roger was using the toilet as I came in and carefully closed the door. He walked to the sink as I took his place and emptied my bladder. Roger leaned against the vanity as I washed my hands. I noticed him look over at the door and he went over and locked it. I smiled as I dried my hands and Roger came back over and pulled himself up to sit on the counter as I moved in front of him. He grabbed me by my shirt and brought me close to him as he spread his legs to make room for me. We shared a kiss and Roger sitting level with my face was always perfect for kissing. 

"Five years.." I told him as we held each other and felt content. "Five years ago I was close to death and then you promised to be there for the rest of my life..." I said to Roger as we just gazed into each other's eyes. 

"I love you Bri..." Roger told me and we shared a few more easy kisses and then I reached down and began to tug at Roger's pajama bottoms. He moved his hands down to shove them off when we heard a small knock on the door. "I guess that's the end of this..." I told Roger as we both looked disappointed.

We both knew that knock and Roger quickly pulled his pajamas up as I walked over to the door and undid the lock and opened it. A large pair of blue eyes that matched her father's peered up at me as she used her hand to push me out of the way.

"Potty..." Tiger Lily said urgently and walked over to the toilet and lifted up her nightgown and tugged down her panties as she awkwardly sat on the toilet. I wanted to laugh as she was so lacking in self consciousness as she proceeded to pee and sighed in relief. 

"She is so much like you Rog...I swear she was cloned..." I told him as we both avoided watching her. Roger grinned at the comparison. 

"I'm hungry..." Tiger Lily informed us as she slid off the toilet and got her underwear back on. She walked over and reached up for Roger to take hold her. She is always extra clingy when we first get back from any trip. 

"Hands first!" Roger reminded her. She sighed heavily and turned towards the sink. I got her the step stool and she climbed up as I turned on the water for her. I inspected her hand washing and was satisfied when she finished. Roger gave her a towel and she dried off and then reached up for him again. He swooped her up as she giggled. "What's for breakfast princess?" he asked her as he walked to the door. I got ahead of him and opened it as we walked out to find Jimi still laying in bed.

"I want waffles Papa!" Tigs informed him. Roger went to the bedroom door and opened it and took off with our daughter to start her food as I went over and laid down next to Jimi. My movement on the bed woke him up and he sat up as he rubbed his eyes.

"Morning little man..." I said to Jimi as he grinned and then launched himself at me. I caught him and laughed as I rolled onto my back and he began to giggle as well. I admired how much he had grown and that his blond hair was slowly getting darker. I was confident he would have my hair color before long. Just not my curls.

"Daddy..." Jimi said to me in a sleepy voice. I will never grow tired of hearing him call me that and hugged him close to me.

"Let's get you changed...." I told him and slowly sat up holding him so I could get a fresh nappy on him. He clung to me as I walked out of the room and went down the hall to his bedroom. I noticed Clare's bedroom door was closed and was glad she was able to sleep in since we returned from Munich. I felt like she never gets enough breaks from being their nanny. I sat Jimi down on his changing table and pulled off his sleep clothes. "You hungry?" I asked him as he let me clean him up.

"Nannas..." he replied and I grinned at his word for bananas. 

"Bananas..." I said to him to remind him how the word is pronounced. I picked him up after he was dressed and we headed for the kitchen. "Bananas..." I mumbled as I felt my own stomach grumble and realized I was hungry myself.

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Tiger Lily screamed in delight as she jumped off of Roger's shoulders into the water. She was such a fish and loved to swim. We had taught her to swim the summer she turned 3 and her skills had grown immensely. We always tried to stay in hotels and homes with pools when we traveled with the kids and she kept up her practice year round. I could tell that summer would be ending soon as the air felt cooler. I was grateful for the heated pool and that we could enjoy it beyond the hottest part of the season. Tigs and Roger rough housed in the shallow end and both were laughing as they splashed and tried to half dunk each other. I lingered in the deep end and watched them as I relaxed in the warm water. Jimi and Clare were both upstairs taking a nap.

"You want in on this?" Roger challenged me and I shook my head. I felt mellow despite all their antics and just wanted to chill out. He shrugged at me and then sent a big splash in Tigs' direction and then Roger bolted for the steps in the pool and ran out into the yard. Tiger Lily gave chase and was screeching as she went after him. Both of them looked completely joyous and I wished I had my camera handy to catch this moment. Something caught my eye and I saw someone walking up the driveway holding a bicycle. It was a young woman. I'd never seen her before and wondered who she was. I pulled myself out of the pool at the ledge and walked over and grabbed my shirt and headed towards her. She was watching Roger and Tiger Lily running in the yard. They were turned away from her and didn't see her.

"Boy - they're both a ball of energy..." she commented as I slid my shirt down my chest and got close to her. She gave me her attention and smiled at me as she set her bicycle on its stand. She was tall and had long blond hair that was feathered back from her face. She was a typical fair British girl and had on walking shorts and a cardigan sweater. I noted her sweater was unbuttoned halfway down and she had on a halter or bikini top underneath. "Hi! I'm Tilly! And you're Brian...right?" she asked me. I had no idea how she knew who I am. She looked over at again at Roger and then back at me. "I've met Roger a few times...I live nearby..." she remarked. I tried to be polite despite my confusion over how she knew Roger and shook her hand.

"Yes...I'm Brian....we've never met..." I clarified to her. She nodded agreement and looked a little curious as her hand slipped from mine. 

"You're right...we haven't...but you met my Mum once..." she told me as she looked over at Roger and Tiger Lily again. They were running our way now as they apparently spotted her. I noticed a really big smile form on her face as Roger came up to us both out of breath.

"Hey!" he said to her and clearly recognized her. "What are you doing here?" he asked her. He didn't sound upset, just curious. So am I. What is she doing here? Who is she?

"I was just introducing myself to your bandmate..." she informed Roger as she eyed him up and down. He was only wearing his swimsuit and was tan and wet. It made me feel a little hot in the face to watch her check him out. She seemed pleased with what she saw and I felt a pang of jealousy. She put her eyes back on me. "I was telling you that you've met my mother...she gave you and Roger a lift one night a few years back when you crashed your car..." she explained to me. I did feel a little better in understanding how she knew both of us but was still curious how she seemed to know Roger more directly.

"We met in the village...we almost collided in front of the bakery..." Roger explained to me and he and Tilly shared an amused expression. "That was a couple of years ago...but I saw her again at the salon this week..." Roger told me. He sounded reasonable so I decided to believe him. "So what brings you by today?" Roger asked her innocently. Tiger Lily came up and leaned against Roger as she peered at the stranger.

"I was riding by and heard you from the road...I just wanted to see the place again...it's been a while...but it's sentimental..." she told us both. Roger had a warm expression and turned to look at me.

"Tilly was friends with the family that lived here before us...she used to come swimming here with their daughter..." Roger explained to me. I could see now why she had come here and it seemed rational. I smiled at the news and felt Tiger Lily reach over and grab my leg. 

"Swim with me..." Tigs asked me. I smiled at her and reached down and picked her up and set her on my hip.

"In a minute...we're talking right now..." I told my daughter. She leaned into my shoulder and grabbed at my hair to entertain herself as she looked over at Tilly. "We love the house...it's really nice here..." I said to to be friendly. She looked happy to hear it.

"It's a great place...I spent a lot of summers here with my friend..." she remarked to us and glanced up at the house with a look of fondness. "I'd practically spend my entire school break with her..." I noticed a touch of sadness come over her face. "Her name was Meg and we had loads of fun staying up all hours swimming and talking and sneaking drinks of liquor from her father's cabinet..." A smile reappeared as she told us her tale of summertime adventure. "Her parents were gone a lot and she'd get lonely..." Tilly seemed like a nice enough person and was seeped in her memories of the place. I wondered if she was still friends with the daughter from this house. 

"So did you keep in touch when they sold the place?" Roger asked before I could. She nodded but looked a little sad again.

"Yes...but Meg went off to school in the states...so I haven't seen her in a few years..." I could tell that this information was hard for her to say. I felt a little sad for her myself. She almost looked like she could cry. Apparently Roger and Tiger Lily noticed it as well.

"Sorry to hear that....it's hard when someone you care about moves so far away..." I told her with empathy. She seemed grateful for my words. I felt Tiger Lily lean towards her.

"You want to swim with us?" Tigs asked her in a sweet voice. I notice tears form in her eyes and she grinned broadly at my daughter.

"That's lovely of you to ask...but I've not got a suit with me..." she told Tigs. "What's your name sweetheart?" Tilly asked her. Tigs suddenly seemed a little shy but kept looking at her.

"Tiger Lily..." she told her quietly. Tilly's face burst into a huge smile. 

"What a beautiful name..." she remarked and reached over and patted Tig's arm. "You look just like your Daddy...." she told my daughter. I cringed for just a moment but Tiger Lily just smiled at her and then hugged onto me. "Well...I'll be off...thanks for letting me take a look again...it's good to see another girl having loads of fun here..." she said and gave Tiger Lily a warm expression. Tilly moved her bike around so she could leave and waved to us as she headed off.

"Bye..." Roger told her and she walked down our drive and disappeared from view.

"I look like my Papa...right Daddy?" Tiger Lily informed me as we began walking back to the pool. Roger and I both laughed at her delayed comment and I was grateful she held her tongue in front of our unexpected visitor. 

"Right!" I agreed and Roger came up and put his arm around me as we resumed our swim.

\-------------------------

"You've got to hear this track..." Roger told me as he slid the vinyl from the sleeve and placed it on our turntable. We were in our bedroom and everyone else had gone to bed. We had cooked something for our anniversary dinner since we had grown tired of restaurants. We then watched a program with everyone and Clare put the kids to bed for us so we could have the rest of our anniversary to ourselves in our room. Roger had been to the shops a few days ago and bought some new records. It included the brand new Led Zeppelin album. It was already number one on the charts. I was grateful we weren't issuing a record right now as I didn't want the competition. Roger placed the needle down and turned back to face me as the song began. It had heavy synthesizers and felt so different from Zeppelin's other records. But I had to admit I liked it already. Roger had listened to it a few times since buying it and seemed to know the words.

Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light  
To chase a feather in the wind  
Within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight  
There moves a thread that has no end For many hours and days that pass ever soon  
The tides have caused the flame to dim  
At last the arm is straight, the hand to the loom  
Is this to end or just begin? All of my love, all of my love  
All of my love to you, oh...All of my love, all of my love, oh  
All of my love to you  
(All Of My Love by Led Zeppelin - In Through The Out Door album)

I listened and enjoyed the song and Roger singing it to me. When he got to the chorus he came over and got me up from my seat on the couch and pulled me in for a dance. While I hate dancing I never minded the occasional spin with my husband. I held him close as we listened to the record and smiled at him. These quiet moments together were precious to me since our lives could get so hectic at times. We slowly moved around and Roger laughed and seemed carefree and began kissing me as we danced.

"As much as I love being on the road...sometimes there is nothing better than just being here alone with you in our sanctuary..." Roger told me as the song ended and we held each other. The next song came on and it felt slower and sexy. The guitar had a lazy swagger to it and our kissing heated up as a result.

Oh, she's my baby

Let me tell you why  
Hey, she drives me crazy  
She's the apple of my eye  
'Cause she is my girl  
And she can never do wrong  
If I dream too much at night  
Somebody please bring me down

Hey, I love that little lady  
I got to be her fool  
Ain't no other like my baby  
I can break the golden rule  
'Cause I get down on my knees  
Oh, I pray that love won't die  
And if I always try to please  
I don't know the reason why, yeah

By the time the song was halfway over we were full on snogging and I reached down and picked him up. Roger lifted up and wrapped his legs around my waist as I carried him over to our bed. Our kissing never stopped as I laid him back on the mattress and knelt over him as he let his spread legs dangle off the side. I pulled my shirt off over my head and then helped Roger get his off as well. I moved my mouth down to kiss him all over his neck and chest. He murmured to me and I smiled against his torso. I got my hands on the waistband of his shorts and tugged them off as he scooted up a bit more on the bed. I stopped and got my own remaining clothes removed before I joined him on the mattress. We got back to kissing and touching each other all over. It was unrushed and teasing as we enjoyed our bodies. 

We both took hold of each other's cocks and Roger rolled over and we both got on our sides. It felt really good kissing and stroking each other. After a few minutes Roger pulled back and turned around on the bed and I pulled his hips towards my face as he bent down by my waist. I leaned over and took him in my mouth and Roger did the same to me. We were instantly rock hard and the intensity of giving and receiving at the same time got us both heading for our orgasms in short order. I went first after some aggressive attention from Roger and he soon followed as I finished him off. We both separated and laid back next to each other sated and silent. Once our heavy breathing slowed we turned and shared some lazy kisses. I felt sleepy and and shuffled around to get under the bedsheet. Roger gave me one final kiss before he rolled away from me.

"I'm thirsty....want anything?" he asked me. I shook my head as I laid on my back with my arm bent behind my head. Ready for sleep to take me. My eyes closed before he even left the room.

\------------------------

Tilly's POV

It was dark by the pool save for a few lights that flickered below the surface of the water. It wasn't the first time I had stole away from home and spent part of my night dangling my legs into the pool at Meadow Hall. I wish we had a pool at home but as my mother loves to remind me we don't get everything we want in life. Don't I know it! Despite the chilly air the warm water kept me comfortable as I looked over at the house that used to mean everything to me. I could easily see a vision of Meg and I stumbling out of the back door and running to the pool late at night. Just like now. We would be laughing and stripping off our bathing suits as we dove into the deep end of the pool for a naked dip. Our carefree summer days spent in each other's company. Spent in each other's arms. A smile formed as I recalled playing in the water and then reaching for her in the late night hours and kissing until we both couldn't take it anymore and left the pool for the privacy and comfort of her bed. I sighed with sadness as I wondered if I would ever see her again. If only we had been more careful. If only we hadn't been caught by her father. I felt the sting of tears and regret and kicked my legs in the water to try and focus on happier thoughts. But happiness had eluded me lately. When Meg's father had told my parents about catching us naked in her bed all hell broke loose. Even though we are both adults and were not breaking any laws our parents couldn't accept that we were in love and wanted to be together. They made certain that wasn't going to happen. Meg's parents put their house up for sale and sent her away to school in the states. My own parent's made me go to University to try and forget her and meet a suitable young man I could marry and retain my respectability in their eyes. But nothing was going to satisfy my mother. Even tonight she had invited that dreadful man to dinner with the intent of me dating him. He was ages older than me and had the look of a bona fide pervert. 

I wiped at the tears that rested below my eyes and recalled the heated argument I had with my mother before leaving the house full of anger and spite. She would never understand the love I had for Meg and was miserable in her own relationship with my father. Why should I just marry some rich man to maintain this horrid lifestyle just so she could remain acceptable in her social circle? She had done the same and only found loneliness and unhappiness sharing her life with my father. Yes, she had money but it never gave her anything but heartache and disappointment. It only saved her blessed family home and her reputation. And she had denied me access to any real money once she knew I wanted to run away and leave this god forsaken place. I felt trapped and hated my life. I wished I could just get on a plane and fly straight to Meg and have the real happiness I knew was possible. My thoughts were interrupted by a light coming on in the kitchen of the house. Someone was up and doing something downstairs. 

I was curious and got up from the pool and walked over to the back window. I crept quietly and avoided walking in places that would make any noise. I managed to bend down and catch a glimpse through the lace curtains that hung in the kitchen window. Roger was standing at the refrigerator and was drinking from a bottle of juice. He finished and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand as he returned the bottle to the shelf. When he closed the refrigerator door I almost gasped. He was naked! Even though I am only into girls I had to admire his physique. I had noticed earlier today how fit he is. It must be all that drumming. I didn't care to check out his penis but what I found interesting was the small heart tattoo at the top of his buttock as he turned to walk out of the kitchen. I had not seen many tattoos in my life and found it quite adorable. For a rock star he seemed down to earth and was good looking. He had been friendly to me and never leered at me like a lot of boys at school or my mother's creepy friends. I waited until he turned out the light and had disappeared before I stood up and wished I could just go inside this house and go lay in the bed in Meg's old room and find some comfort in being in that familiar space. I faced my reality and began the long walk down the drive to find my bicycle and find my way home.

\---The next day---

I was half listening to my cousin Linn as we waited in line at the market to pay for my things. She was going on about some new television star. The woman in front of us was taking forever and I was tired from being up so late the night before. I fought a yawn as the woman appeared to be finishing up with her purchases. I finally got to the counter and the clerk rang me up and I paid and we were soon walking out of the shop. I smiled as I saw Roger getting out of his car nearby and was walking up to the shop entrance. 

He spotted me and we both smiled. My cousin was dumbfounded at seeing him in person. I ignored her and walked over to say hello.

"Hey!" I said in a friendly voice and Roger waved to me. 

"Hey yourself..." he replied. "Been to the market I see..." he observed and I nodded and held up my bag. "That's where I'm headed...we've run out of milk..." he explained. He was a sweet guy and I found him easy to talk to. My cousin stood next to me speechless and practically drooling. It was embarrassing. I wanted to spare him but family loyalty won out and I pointed at Linn.

"Roger...this is my cousin Linn...she's visiting..." I introduced her and she was completely floored I knew him. Roger smiled charmingly at her.

"Hi Linn...." Roger said to her and she almost swooned at the attention. "Well...see you around..." he told us both and walked off to go into the shop. I had a smug grin on my face as Linn and I proceeded to head towards the car we drove to the village to shop. She wacked me hard in the arm.

"You never told me he lived here...that you knew him!" she exclaimed and was a mix of awe and annoyance. I kept my smug grin.

"Yeah...I've seen him a few times...he's a nice guy..." I answered casually. She remained annoyed with me.

"If I'd met a member of Queen you would have bloody well heard about it!" she informed me as we strolled the walkway. I felt even more smug when I turned to her.

"You know I've met Brian as well..." I bragged and her mouth dropped open. 

"I hate you!" Linn announced and I laughed at her response. "How did you meet Roger?" she asked me with a return of her awe. I explained in basic terms the times I had encountered him and she listened with envy. I added the story of seeing both him and Brian yesterday and she slapped my arm again. I laughed again and noticed a man walking up to our side.

"Miss! Oh Miss!" he shouted at me. I stopped on the walkway and turned to see a drab looking man in a cheap summer suit. Despite being repulsed a little by his presence I was polite.

"Yes?" I said to him. He slid his hand in his jacket pocket and pulled out a business card. He handed it to me.

"Alan Lewis....Sun Newspaper..." the man informed me. I looked down to see his card did show he was a reporter for The Sun. I wondered what he wanted. "I saw you speaking to Roger Taylor..." he commented and before I could respond Linn was nodding and looking excitedly at the man. 

"She knows him!" she told him and his face lit up and he smiled widely at me.

"I thought as much..." he replied and looked at me intently. "I've been working on an article about him for some time...just a human interest story..." he explained and he glanced back towards the market before returning his gaze to me. "Would you be interested in talking to me about him?" he asked. I wasn't sure what he was wanting and I really didn't know much to tell. I shrugged and wasn't sure what to say.

"Of course she would!" Linn insisted and pressed her hand into my arm. "She's met him several times...been to his place even!" she revealed. This man looked pleased as punch to hear this. I wasn't at all certain how I felt about this.

"If you have a good story...there's a load of money in it for you..." he said with a hint of something underneath the surface. I took the man's card and smiled at him. Wanting to be polite but uncertain about talking.

"I'll think about it..." I said to try and end the conversation. He seemed eager and pointed at the card in my hand.

"Call me! I promise I'll make it worth your while..." he assured me. He grinned at us both and walked off and left us standing on the pavement. As soon as he was out of earshot Linn grabbed my arm and turned me to face her.

"Oh my god Tilly! You could be rich!" she shouted and I tried to get her to be quiet. She was making a scene with her noise. 

"Calm down!" I told her in a stern voice. "I doubt he is offering anything worthwhile..." I added and began walking to the car. She stopped and looked at me with a know it all expression.

"I heard The Sun paid a girl 5 thousand pounds to tell her story about a night she had with one of the Bay City Rollers..." Linn informed me. When she mentioned the amount I couldn't believe it. My head started spinning and visions of money and a way out of my misery filled my head. "They expect it you know..." Linn commented as she looked at me. "Those rock stars...lots of kiss and tell is good for their image....sells records and all..." she added. While it seemed wrong to exaggerate my minor introduction into Roger's life I realized Linn was right. Great tales of rock and roll and sex and drugs were common place and sold newspapers and records. I bit my bottom lip as I turned and looked back at the market and at Roger's shiny Rover parked in front.

"You're right...they do expect it..." I mumbled and looked down at the business card in my hand and held on tight.


	108. If You Make It To The Top...And You Want To Stay Alive - Part 4

10th September 1979

London / Surrey

Brian's POV

"I think its a sound investment..." Jim Beach explained as we all sat and discussed the idea of purchasing the studio we had used in Montreux Switzerland when recording our Jazz album. We had spent the past few years looking at studios in Britain and could never agree on one to buy. We had all liked this place and I preferred this setting over any other European location if we couldn't buy in England. Roger sat across from me at the table nursing a cigarette.

"So are we all in agreement then?" Jim asked us all. It seemed unanimous. 

"Yes..." I said and the others followed. Jim wore a broad smile as he shuffled some papers. 

"Alright...I'll contact their attorneys to let them know..." he replied. We all shared a satisfied look at this being settled. "We should be able to arrange the money transfer by next month..." 

"The final piece of business is letting you know I confirmed the release date for your next single. It will go out on the 5th both here and in the states..." Jim said. Freddie was beaming at the news. 

"Maybe this one will fair better in the charts..." Roger commented as he stubbed out his cigarette. Deacy grinned confidently at Roger.

"I have a good feeling about this one..." Deacy replied. Jim stood up from his chair and smiled at us all. 

"I'm sure it will do well..." he agreed. "That's it for today...have a good afternoon..." he said and we all stood up and walked out together. 

"Are you going to pick it up today?" Deacy asked Roger. My husband smiled widely at our bassist and friend.

"I am...I have an appointment in a half hour..." Roger informed him. Deacy grinned at him and came up and put his arm around Roger. 

"You'll let me drive it...right?" Deacy asked him. Roger scoffed at him but was just kidding.

"Not bloody likely..." he told him with a half grin of his own. I waved to Deacy as we headed for the office door. 

"He'll come round so you can have a spin..." I assured him. Deacy waved goodbye as we headed out to the parking lot. I got in the driver's side of my car and Roger hopped in the passenger seat. We had bought me my own luxury car after we finished The News of The World . Roger insisted I splurge and get a new car and let Clare drive my family car. He had bought the Rover after Day At The Races. I fulfilled the only real automotive ambition I ever had and got myself a Jaguar. I have to admit I love the car and felt more like a bona fide rock star when I drove it. My Dad couldn't believe I owned one but for once didn't criticize my purchase and smiled the entire time he took it for a drive. So I drove with my own baby with pride to the Ferrari dealership. Roger had begged me to get an Italian sportscar. I had fought out of concern for his safety and also the cost. But once we separated our business from John Reid and became directors of Queen productions we made more money than we could imagine and denying him only came down to safety concerns. But he turned 30 and seemed more mature about things so I acquiesced and he ordered the car on his birthday. Now it was ready for pickup. Before I knew it we were pulling into the car lot and Roger was excited as a child getting a puppy.

"Promise me you will not be reckless with this car..." I asked him as I stopped my car to let him out. He reached over and patted my leg. 

"I'm 30 now Bri...it's about the prestige...not just the speed these days..." he replied and opened the car door and saluted me wearing a broad grin. I was happy for him and smiled back as he walked to the office to collect the keys to his new red machine. I returned to the streets of London and was soon heading towards home. Clare had asked to talk to me when I got back so I was curious what she needed as I parked in the drive and went inside. I found her feeding Jimi a snack as I came inside. They greeted me with cheerful smiles and I took Jimi and put him down for his nap so Clare and I could speak. She poured me a cup of tea as I sat down at the kitchen table.

"What's up?" I asked Clare as she took a seat next to me. She looked quite subdued and I wondered what she was going to tell me.

"I wanted to tell you before I tell Rog..." she began and I instantly worried she was somehow ill. My heart started beating fast as she found her words. "I've made a decision and wanted you to know first..." I lost my worry about her being sick but was curious what her decision was.

"What is it?" I asked as I saw her struggle to say whatever it was she needed to. She smiled at me but seemed a little nervous.

"I'm ready for a change Bri..." she announced. "I'm letting you know that I want to do something different and I want to get out in the world on my own and meet someone and build my own life..." she revealed to me. My heart instantly shattered but I also completely understood where she was coming from. I couldn't be mad at her wanting something for herself. Clare has been with us for 5 years and been there every step of the way with Tiger Lily and selflessly gave of herself so we could have Jimi. 

"Are you sure?" I asked her as I maybe didn't want to believe it even though I knew this day would come at some point. She nodded and then seemed to show some pain in her expression. I felt a pain inside me because of how much I love her and love having her in my life. I will miss her terribly.

"I know it's selfish of me..." she began and I reached over and immediately took her hand and cut off her words.

"Clare! You are to most selfless person I know! Don't even think that what you are wanting is selfish in any way...promise me!" I told her and squeezed her hand. "You have given up years of your life to be here for me and Rog and the kids and I can't even begin to think how to repay you for this..." I reminded her. She smiled at my words despite some emotion in her face. My own face twisted a bit at the thought of saying goodbye. We shared a sad smile between us as we held hands.

"Thanks Bri...that means a lot!" she told me as a few tears slid down her face. "I love you so much and it was hard for me to tell you this...I just need to do something new...I'm 27 years old and the only people I'm around are either small children or rock and rollers..." she explained with some humor. "I'm ready for some adult conversation that doesn't involve the top 40, a tour schedule or potty training children..." she said with a laugh. I laughed a little at her attempt to lighten the moment. 

"I guess living in luxury and being the fake girlfriend of a rock star doesn't cut it for you anymore?" I teased with a smile. She laughed again and wiped at a few tears. 

"To be honest Bri I am ready to be someone's real girlfriend and I've enough money saved to buy my own fancy home thank you very much!" she informed me with confidence and a touch of sass. She got a devilish grin that reminded me of Roger as well as a gleam in those same blue eyes. She leaned closer to me. "I'm a bit lonely and ready to share my bed with someone besides two toddlers..." she confessed to me. Clare and I rarely talked about sex but it occurred to me that she really hadn't dated anyone the whole time she had been with us and I felt horrible at the realization. 

"Clare...I'm so sorry...I never realized it but you've not had someone since you've lived with us...I am so sorry..." I told her and the guilt poured through me. She shook her head at me dismissively. 

"It's okay....really!" she said back. "At first I was so messed up because of that piece of shit Terry I dated for a while...you know the one that beat me up?" she reminded me. I very much remembered that deplorable man and Roger leaving suddenly to go see her when she was hospitalized from his beating. "I wasn't the slightest bit interested in dating anyone for a long time...but now..." she added. She formed another devilish grin. "And please never tell Rog...but I've managed to stay satisfied sexually on a regular basis..." she explained. I had no idea what she was referring to and I guess my face showed it. "You've had a few staff members over the years who were up for a bit of fun when I was interested..." she confessed. My face grew red and I immediately wondered who of our roadies or support staff she was talking about but decided I didn't want to know. She laughed at my embarrassment.

"Please don't ever tell me who...alright?" I said as I cringed and she laughed harder. "And I won't tell Rog...because he would probably kill them..." I informed her and we both laughed at the image of Roger's face if he knew this dirty little secret. We both settled down and took a drink of our tea. "So when are you thinking of leaving?" I asked her in all seriousness.

"I was thinking just after Christmas..." she replied. "You know...New Year...new start and all..." It made sense to me. Her face suddenly got serious. "Brian...I want you to know that I am keeping to my word...when I leave here it is by myself only...Jimi belongs to you and Roger...so no worries...alright?" Clare truly is the best woman I know and I smiled gratefully at her. 

"I never doubted in your word Clare...thanks..." I said back. "I want you to know you are the best woman I know and I think the man you choose to share your life with is the luckiest man on this planet..." I said truthfully. "I love you so much and I only want your happiness...so no matter how hard this will be for us all...I understand..." I leaned over from my chair and Clare and I embraced. We both shed some tears as we sat in silence and considered our futures. Our separate futures. "I will miss you so much...please know that..." I confessed to her.

"I'll miss you too...and thanks Brian...I knew you would understand..." Clare finally said to me. "I don't know how to tell Rog...so I need your help telling him..." I nodded understanding and pulled back from our hug to look at her. I wiped her hair that had got in her face as we hugged.

"We'll figure it out..." I assured her. She sniffed back some fresh tears and we both exhaled at the weight of this conversation. I glanced over at the calendar and realized we only had a few months to figure out who would help us with the kids. I would need to talk to Roger about it anyway so I let it go for the moment. I grinned at Clare. "At least Rog will have his new car to take the sting out of your news..." I pointed out and Clare grinned as well. 

"I'm In Love With My Car..." she sang out and we both laughed. 

\--------------------------

I considered everything Clare had said and what it meant for our future as I pulled up to the school to pick up Tiger Lily. Since I was home today I wanted to pick her up and give Clare a break from it. Tigs had begun her Year 1 in primary school a few days ago and I was anxious to see how she would like it. I loved school and hoped she would as well. Roger was annoyed that the school included some religious aspects in their morning program. I didn't really mind it. My own school had done this and Roger did attend this local Cathedral school in Truro but hated the religious part of their teachings. But that is what was available as a nearby school. 

I got out of the car and walked up to a group of other people waiting for their children. I shared a smile and hello with a few of the Moms and nannies standing around. There was only one other man and he looked uncomfortable being here. My only concern was people asking too many questions but we had told Tiger Lily to be careful about telling everyone our business. We all heard the bell and knew they would be out momentarily. I noticed a young woman staring at me and wondered if she recognized me. She walked over wearing a huge smile.

"Excuse me...are you Brian May?" she asked me quietly. I appreciated her being discreet and couldn't deny who I am so I nodded to her.

"Yes..." I answered. Her face lit up and she stood a little closer. 

"I love Queen!" she informed me and looked a little awestruck. I thanked her as I was watching the door for the children to come out as she tried to chat with me. "I didn't know you had a school age child.." she commented. I smiled as I eyed the school entrance. 

"I'm picking up as a favor..." I lied and she seemed satisfied. 

"What a lucky child!" she remarked. I wanted to laugh a little because I considered myself lucky to have this child in my life. "Are you putting a new album out soon?" she asked as the doors to the school opened and children came out. 

"Next year...." I said as I watched for my daughter. "A new single will be out soon though..." I added and my own face lit up as I saw my girl strolling out lugging her bag and wearing her new uniform. She was looking around and saw me and her face donned a massive smile. She sped towards me and I wished this woman would disappear. "If you'll excuse me..." I said to the woman and took several steps so I could meet Tiger Lily and we could avoid the woman wanting an introduction. I noticed her watching us as I greeted my girl.

"Daddy!" Tiger Lily shouted at me. I ignored whatever reaction anyone had to her calling me this and took hold of her hand as we began the walk down towards the cars. 

"Hey poppet!" I told her sweetly and she struggled to keep hold of her bag as she bounced excitedly by my side. I stopped and offered my hand to her. "Let me carry that for you..." She handed me her bag and then walked and partly skipped as we crossed the drive to where my car was parked. "Did you have a good day?" I asked as we neared the car. She nodded and kept up her skip steps. 

"Miss Bolton read us a story about a puppy...can I have a puppy?" she asked and I automatically didn't care for Miss Bolton. 

"You've got a perfectly fine cat at home..." I reminded her. "Papa and I would have to talk about getting a puppy..." she looked disappointed and sighed as I opened her car door for her. She climbed in the backseat and I slid in my seat in front. "Let's get going..." I said and started up the car. We had gone a a few blocks when she leaned forward in her seat.

"Daddy...Billy asked me where my Mum is....where is she?" she suddenly asked me. Now I sighed at the thought that we were about to have one of those conversations we had been dreading. Roger, Clare and I had explained what a Mom is before to her and why her Mum wasn't around but I guess she forgot or just needed to talk about it.

"Your mummy was named Kim...remember?" I said as I kept my eye on the road but tried to gauge her expression in the rearview mirror. She looked lost for a moment and then seemed to register something.

"She died..." Tigs related to me sadly. I nodded at her.

"She did sweetheart....I'm sorry..." I replied gently. Tiger Lily looked out the car window and I wondered what she was thinking about. "When we get home do you want to look at a picture of her?" I asked her. She smiled and nodded at me. 

"Please..." she said politely. I felt better about her question and would pull out the few photos we had of her as soon as we arrived. 

\---------

I found the photo album in my study and went into the kitchen where I had Jimi eating a snack in his high chair and Tiger Lily was watching him for me. I held up the album so she could see it and she smiled at me as I carried it to her.

"Here you go!" I told her and set it down in front of her. She opened the album up and looked at the few pictures we had of Kim and Tiger Lily together. They had been given to us by Kim's mother. "This is her poppet..." we were both looking at a shot of Kim holding her in the hospital when the door opened and Roger came inside looking quite satisfied. He dangled his car keys up by his head as he came over to the table.

"Who wants to see Papa's new car?" he asked. Tiger Lily forgot about her mother and turned to get out of her chair. She ran over to Roger and was jumping up and down.

"Me! Me!" she said and tried to reach up and get his keys. Roger laughed at her excitement.

"Alright princess!" he replied and handed her his keys. I wondered if that was a good idea. "Where's Clare?" he asked me. 

"She ran to the chemists..." I told him. He looked a little disappointed but turned to go back outside as Clare came in looking angry about something. She glared at Roger and went right at him holding up a newspaper.

"You better explain this and it better be good!" she barked at him and shoved the newspaper right into his face. He was taken by surprise at her actions and reached out to grab the paper.

"Hey! What are you on about?" he cried back with growing annoyance and he turned and laid the newspaper out on the table near me. We both looked it over and Roger audibly gasped. 

I saw it was the The Sun newspaper and glanced at the front page. The main headline was nothing about any of us and I wondered if Freddie had done something newsworthy again. The smaller headline caught me eye and my heart clenched in my chest. It read - 'Surrey Socialite in Sex Romp with Rock and Roll's Roger Taylor.'

Roger and I shared a look of disbelief and his face darkened with anger as he rapidly turned the pages to find the article. We both saw a photograph of Roger I had never seen before. It appeared to be one taken of him with a telephoto lens. He was standing at his car and it looked like it could have been shot in the village. There was a woman standing next to him but I couldn't tell who it was. It wasn't in focus but it was clearly Rog. It bothered me it was possibly photographed so close to our home. Had someone discovered where we are living? 

\--------------------------------  
It turns out Roger Taylor of Queen may have found Somebody To Love or maybe he is just nothing but a Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy; but according socialite Matilda Ormsby-Hughes, he certainly knows how to Get Down and Make Love!'

Ormsby-Hughes, 22, who goes by the nickname Tilly, told The Sun in an exclusive interview that she shared a hot summer night with the drummer from the hit pop group Queen. Taylor, 30, who resides on Northeast Surrey, became acquainted with the young woman after meeting her in a nearby village. "I met Roger at the village bakery and we hit it off immediately!" boasted Tilly during our recent conversation. "I found him very handsome and charming and he was quite the flirt!"   
\------------------------ 

I knew this girl's name! I remembered her coming to our house that day. The story was the same about them meeting at the bakery. I recalled her checking him out in his swimsuit though and my stomach churned at the thought. I immediately looked up at Roger and he seemed completely disarmed by this story.

"I swear this isn't true!" Roger declared to me in a clear but angered voice. He sounded genuine but my gut told me he might be lying. He had before. I guess Roger could see my doubt as he scowled at me and pointed to the article. "Come on Brian! Look who wrote this piece of crap!" he said and I looked to see the name.

"Bloody Alan Lewis..." I said to him sighing and Roger grunted and clenched his fists.

"I am going to kill that mother fucker!" Roger muttered and tried to contain his anger and language with the kids in the room.

"Let me see!" Tiger Lily interrupted our reading as she tried to climb into a chair to see the paper. Clare came up and pulled her away.

"Come on Tiger...let's go watch a show...." Clare told her and walked over and got Jimi out of his high chair. Clare looked over at me with extreme worry in her face and I knew she thought I was upset. To be honest I wasn't entirely sure if this was believable since Lewis wrote it.

"It's okay Clare..." I said to reassure her. She seemed to relax a little as she left the room with the children in tow. "I don't believe it!" I commented to Roger as he was finishing reading the story. His eyes grew wide and a complete look of horror erupted on his face.

"How the fuck?..." Roger said with complete astonishment. Roger pointed to the last paragraph so I quickly read it over.

\-----------------------  
Tilly's final kiss and tell was a piece of unknown information about Mr. Taylor. She remarked that he had an amazing physique and was quite the ardent lover. But the most remarkable thing about him was his rear view and that it included a tiny red heart tattoo on his bum. There's a new piece of trivia for you fans of the famous rock drummer!  
\-------------------------

I felt a wave of absolute pain roll through me and I found myself standing up from the table before I even knew it. There was only one way this girl knew about his tattoo. She had seen him naked! And if she had seen him naked then Roger was lying to me. I glared at him. He saw my expression and his own went from anger to panic.

"Don't even think for a second any of this is true!" he told me firmly and pointed at the paper. "I don't know how she found out about my tattoo but none of it's true! You have to believe me!" Roger cried out to me with growing anguish in his voice. I wanted to believe him but how did she know? What other way would she know? I felt my body start to shake and my stomach was rolling in knots.

"She saw you naked?" I asked him with my own shock at the information coming through in my voice. Roger turned to me and grabbed my wrists and looked me in the eyes.

"I swear to you Brian! This article is a complete lie!" he argued to me. "She has never seen me naked and I've never done more than share a few words with her!" Roger sounded so sincere I wanted to believe him. But my mind starting churning over everything from the past. The times he had cheated on me and the times he had flirted and claimed he wasn't aware he was flirting. I dismissed my heart in this moment and let my head take over. I jerked his hands away from my wrists and bolted for the door. "Brian!" he shouted after me but I was out of the house and running to my car. I heard the door open behind me but ignored him and got inside and started up my Jaguar. I couldn't look at him right now and had to get out of here. I almost couldn't breathe. I turned around in my seat and backed the car up and was tempted to smash into his precious new car on my way out but didn't give in to the compulsion and just kept on going. 

Roger's POV 

"Brian!" I shouted as I watched him back his car up and go barreling out of our drive headed somewhere. I considered getting in my car and going after him but had no idea which direction he might take. Why didn't he believe me? It's not true! Any of it! I screamed out in anger and fear as I stood in my garden. I turned and went back inside and slammed the kitchen door so hard the windows rattled. I walked over to the telephone and dialed Jim Beach's phone number.

"Queen Productions...Jim Beach's office..." Ann, his secretary, answered. 

"Ann its Roger...I need to speak to him now! It's an emergency!" I told her as I placed my hand on the wall and leaned into it for support. I heard her place me on hold and I tried to just breathe. The realization that Brian had gone was sinking in and I didn't know what to do. I felt a little sick despite my anger. 

"I'm here Roger! What's the matter?" Jim said on the phone with concern. 

"There's a story about me in The Sun and it's all lies!" I began and felt my chest start hurting. 

"Today's edition?" he asked me quickly.

"Yes! It's a bullshit story about me getting it on with this girl who lives nearby. It's not true Jim! And Brian's seen it and he left! He fucking ran out!" I told him with anguish in my voice and slid down the wall as I put my forehead in my hand. 

"Are you okay?" Jim asked me. I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. 

"No..." I answered honestly ands swallowed down my emerging tears. "Can we do anything about it?" I asked him next. I wanted to have this story retracted. I needed this revealed as a lie. I needed Brian to know it wasn't true.

"So there is no truth to it?" Jim asked me bluntly. 

"The only part that is true is that I met this girl...Tilly!" I explained. "I've met her and spoke to her for a few minutes about 3 different times but I swear I was with her maybe 5 or 10 minutes and it was always in public..." I assured him. 

"Okay...let me see what we can do...." Jim answered. "Do you know where Brian might have gone?" he asked me. I had a few ideas and would make some phone calls. 

"Maybe...I'll call around...I guess I need to tell everyone if they see this it is utter bullshit!" I informed him.

"I'm sorry this happened....let me get a copy of it and we will go from there....meanwhile don't talk to anyone in the press and stay at home for now..." I trust Jim so I would take his advice.

"Okay...I'll stay put..." I confirmed and hated having to wait to find out what can be done. 

"Good...and call me if you hear from anyone...and let me know when Brian is back..." he added. I hoped Brian would be back. I wanted to think he was just upset and would come home once he calmed down. I hope.

"I will...thanks Jim...." I said and slowly stood to hang up the call. I saw my sister standing in the kitchen doorway as I cradled the phone.

"So it isn't true then...." she stated and I looked her straight in the eye as she walked over to me.

"It's not true...I swear on my children's lives it's not true!" I told her and she seemed to believe me.

"I'm sorry I reacted the way I did...you can understand why though..." she explained and seemed regretful as she spoke. 

"I get it Bear....I do...but how can I convince Brian it's not true?" I asked her and she pulled me into a hug.

"We will find him and I will tell him....he will believe me.." she remarked. I felt a tinge of relief but also anger at her words. I pulled back and looked at her.

"Because he won't believe me...right?" I said bitterly. She looked like she felt bad for her words.

"Sorry Rog..." she said but it was little comfort as I wondered how to fix this and wondered where Brian had gone.

\---------------------

I called Freddie and I called Deaks and he wasn't there. I was sure they wouldn't lie about him being there because of the kids. When I told them about the article they were both outraged and immediately believed me. We were all curious how she knew about my tattoo but I felt a little better when I hung up with them knowing they had took my word.

With great trepidation I called his parents home. Luckily his mother answered but Brian wasn't there. She didn't know about the article but she believed me when I again swore on the life of my children it was all lies. Ruth didn't know about my cheating history so she didn't have this information to hold against me. It felt comforting knowing she was on my side but I dreaded her telling Harold about it. We hung up and I tried to figure out where Brian might have gone.

"Papa....are you okay?" Tiger Lily asked me as she walked into my bedroom. I smiled at her and she came over to my chair.

"I'm okay princess....just trying to get a hold of Daddy..." I told her honestly. She looked sad and reached up to me so I pulled her into my lap. 

"Where is he?" she asked and I sighed at her as I stroked her back.

"I don't know...but we'll find him..." I assured her and hugged her to me. "I'll find him...and I'll bring him home..."


	109. If You Make It To The Top...And You Want To Stay Alive - Part 5

11th September 1979

Somewhere in England

Brian's POV

I had considered going to my parents but didn't want to deal with hearing my father say anything about my relationship. I would have gone to Freddie's but that is one of the first places I knew Roger would look and I didn't want Freddie pulled into the middle of our mess. It would never be fair to ask him to take sides. He was a friend to us both and to be honest I knew that Roger probably was nearest and dearest to him so there was some possible bias on his part. I understand it. 

Deacy has three children of his own and a wife and doesn't need my drama interrupting his already busy life. Plus Roger would have looked there right after Freddie's. So I got on the motorway and headed south. I felt terrible that I didn't call in advance but when I arrived I was welcomed with open arms and a two pairs of sympathetic ears. I felt safe here and could sort through my feelings. I knew eventually Roger would figure out where I was through the process of elimination. But for now, I had some time and some space.

"Here you are...please eat something or Wilkie will be offended..." Trevor said to me as he placed a cup of tea and a plate of cheese rolls in front of me. I smiled gratefully and grabbed a roll from the plate. I was hungry I just didn't feel like eating. I had a bite and took a sip of tea.

"It's good...thanks.." I told him and he smiled warmly at me. Trevor took a seat as Wilkie came in carrying two more cups of tea and sat one down in front of Trevor. He took the other seat at the small kitchen table. I admired the pressed linen tablecloth with the lace edging and how clean and bright their little beach bungalow was. They had bought the place after selling the hotel and finally retiring to a life of real leisure. It was a quaint two bedroom with a nice sized sitting room and an enclosed patio with a large glass window looking out onto the coast. Everything they needed was in walking distance and their driveway had plenty of room for Brian's Jaguar as it sat in front of their home.

"Are you sure you don't want to at least call him and let him know where you are? That you are safe?" Trevor asked me in a pleading voice. I knew for the children's sake I should call but I wasn't ready. I shook my head and focused on my teacup as the room went silent. I noticed Trevor and Wilkie share one of those looks you only have with someone you've been with for a long time. I know because Roger and I do the same thing. Roger. I sighed as I thought about the look on his face as I pulled out of the drive of our home. I couldn't take it. I had to leave. I felt so deflated at the thought we are going to do this all over again. He is going to cheat and like the fool that I am I will somehow find a way to go back and carry on. Because I have to. I have two children to consider and since I know Clare will not be around much longer it is imperative that I go back and deal with it all. But right now I have to find a way to fortify myself for it.

As I sat and thought about all the other times I had to deal with his infidelities I almost laughed as I realized every instance involved him getting burned by it. When he messed around with Kim he got her pregnant. When he went on a self destructive binge of anonymous encounters he got gonorrhea. Now? Shit! It's splashed all over the news as a 'kiss and tell!' I don't even know if that Tilly girl is aware he is in a relationship. And if so, that it is with me. I have no idea. I guess my one salvation in this situation is that my humiliation is at least lessened by the fact that the world doesn't know we are together.

There has been some mild gossip over the past few years about him being involved with the odd woman. Some of the stories were planted by our publicist to keep reporters off our scent. One specific rumor was Roger being linked with Debbie Harry of the American group Blondie. Debbie was pretty open minded and Roger had confided in her about us. She was more than happy to play a game with the press and even posed for a photo kissing Roger. She was a warm and kind person and I was grateful to her for her help. There was a tinge of jealousy on my part but Roger had assured me I was the better kisser.

But what about this Tilly? Was she a better kisser than me? What was this exactly? A one time fling? A bona fide affair? I didn't know and part of me didn't want to know.

"What are you thinking about Brian?" Trevor asked me as he looked at my face. I guess it showed in my expression. I sighed and smiled at him.

"Thinking? I guess overthinking is probably more accurate..." I answered and he smiled at me and placed his hand over mine on the table. 

"I'm glad you came here to think...to get yourself sorted out....to work through some shock and anger...but you won't really get any answers here you know..." he commented to me as he looked at me with kindness in his eyes. "You'll only get the answers talking to Roger..." I know he is right. I felt tired as I considered the drive home to hash this out with my husband and figure out my next step. I actually yawned and remembered I hadn't slept much last night. Their guest room was comfortable and the bed was long enough for me. I had too many feelings running through me to lay there and truly close myself off and sleep. It was catching up to me now. "Why don't you try and take a nap? Get some rest...I know you probably didn't sleep well last night..." I couldn't argue his point and nodded at him.

"I think I will..." I told him and got up from my chair and walked to the hallway and went to the small bedroom at the back of the house. I went and laid down on the bed and rolled onto my side and clutched a pillow at my chest. I closed my eyes and hoped maybe when I woke up I would feel more rested. More ready to face it all. I missed my kids and I missed Clare. I even missed Roger. I tried to shut it out of my mind as I let myself drift off to sleep.

\-----------------------------

Roger's POV

"Jim is ready now...he's in his office..." Ann told me. I stood up from the waiting room chair and followed her into Jim's large suite. He was walking towards me and had a sympathetic look as he put his arm around me.

"Sorry about the wait...I was on a call with L.A. ..." he explained to me. I understood. He is running our business and this unexpected turn of events has probably messed up his schedule. Jim walked me over to the couch in his office and we both took a seat. I lit a cigarette as my nerves are pretty frayed right now. "Any word on Brian yet?" he asked me. I felt my stomach churn and shook my head as I exhaled smoke.

"No...I can't find him..." I admitted. "Maybe he's holed up in a hotel somewhere..." I remarked sadly and Jim stood up and walked to his small liquor cabinet and poured us both a drink. He sighed heavily as he handed me the glass and I took a big gulp of the premium whisky.

"The reporter should be here any minute...let's stick to our plan and see what we can find out..." Jim suggested. I nodded as I took another drink and emptied my glass. I sat it down as I nursed my cigarette and we waited for the enemy to arrive at our gates.

Ann brought Alan Lewis into the office and Jim stood up and shook the man's hand. I wasn't interested in any friendly gestures right now and just tried to maintain my cool. I wanted nothing more than to get up and pulverize the shit out of him.

"Mr. Lewis..." Jim said and motioned for him to take a chair next to the couch. I noted the cheap suit the man wore and his untidy wispy hair. He was one of those men who would always seem a bit disheveled no matter how much care he took with his grooming. It only made him more repulsive to me.

"I came as you requested...what can I do for you?" he asked us and appeared a little too smug for my tastes. I fought the urge to yell at him. I knew it wouldn't help.

"Well...to be perfectly frank...we have a bit of a problem with your article..." Jim informed him in a nice but firm tone. I could tell Alan was enjoying this and hated him for it. He laughed nervously.

"Oh yeah? What seems to be the problem?" he asked without apparent regard for any damage it may have caused me. I was glad Jim was doing the talking.

"It's the matter of the story not being true!" Jim pointed out to him. Alan looked surprised and glanced over at me. I hoped the simmering anger in my face would confirm it was the case.

"Wait!" Alan answered and looked back and forth between me and Jim. "I hope you don't think you can try and sue me or something because Miss Hughes assured me it was true and she knew about your bloody tattoo Roger!" Alan said with conviction. He shuffled on his seat and seemed a little agitated.

"Look!" I said as I couldn't contain myself any longer. "I did not sleep with her or kiss her or do anything of a sexual nature what that girl!" I argued to him. "She is a liar and you've printed a false story!" Alan scoffed at me.

"How did she know about your tattoo then...eh?" he questioned me in a haughty tone. "You've got the tattoo...don't you?" he asked me directly. I couldn't deny it. I hated this situation and still had no idea how she discovered it. It had kept me awake last night. That and my husband disappearing over this outrageous lie!

"I have no idea how she knows about my tattoo but I can assure you nothing happened between us! You've been lied to and printed lies!" I yelled at him as my temper flared and my hold on my anger faltered. Jim gave me a look of warning regarding my tone and I tried to get a hold of myself. Alan seemed a little flustered but then his expression calmed and he looked right at me.

"Well...I guess it really is just a case of her word versus yours then..." he countered. Jim leaned closer to him.

"I want you to get in touch with her as we would like to speak to her about this..." Jim informed him. Alan let out a sigh.

"That is a problem you see....cause she's left for the states..." Alan told us and he sounded believable. He formed a smirk and looked over at me. "I guess you could say she took the money and ran!" he said in a humorous tone and winked at me. I almost came off the sofa to go after him but Jim put his hand on my leg to prevent my movements.

"Do you have an address or telephone number for her?" Jim inquired and Alan shrugged. 

"She only said she was going to live with her best friend...she needed the money to get over to the states and was leaving as soon as she cashed the check..." he explained. My heart sank at the news. If she was gone then I had no idea how to get any answers from her. I sighed and sat back against the sofa and wished I had another drink of whisky. 

"If you hear from her could you let us know or ask her to contact me please?" Jim asked him politely. "We just want to talk to her...we're not interested in a lawsuit..." Alan looked happy to hear we weren't making any threats. He smiled and stood up from the chair.

"If I hear from her or find out her whereabouts...I'll let you know..." he said in a kinder tone. Jim shook his hand again and I pointedly remained seated as he walked Alan out of the office. Jim came back in and stood holding the back of a chair.

"I'm sorry Roger...I guess you may never know..." he said to me in a caring manner. It was evident Tilly's knowledge of my anatomy would remain a mystery. I let out a defeated sound and stood up from the couch. Jim put his arm around me and walked me out. "The only silver lining in this episode is that the article did imply you being a relationship with a woman..." he pointed out to me. "It never hurts to have more stories out there linking you with someone other than Brian..." he said quietly as I arrived at the reception area and Ann came over and handed me my coat. I slid it on and smiled at Jim. He had done what he could. He always does.

"You're right...there is the one tiny piece of good in this whole fucking disaster.." I said bitterly. I instantly regretted taking this out on him. I looked him in the eye with a kinder expression. "Sorry Jim...this isn't your fault and you've been great..." I told him. He nodded understanding and patted my arm. "If I can just find Brian and get this sorted...well...I think I can see the brighter side of things..." Jim seemed to get what I was saying.

"Sorry Roger...I should have considered the situation before I said that....but don't worry...we'll find him and it will turn out alright...I promise!" he said to try and reassure me. I appreciated his optimism. I nodded to him as I walked out of the office and felt my weariness return. Where was Brian at? How was I going to convince him it was all lies without getting Tilly to tell him so? My anger and frustration intensified as I walked out of our office building and found Alan Lewis loitering near my car. I groaned at the sight of him. He saw me and formed a mischievous grin.

"And to think I was certain you and Brian were together all this time..." Alan said to me in a cheeky tone. "I guess I was wrong...but I still found a story....." he added and I scowled at him over everything this man has done to me in my life.

"Stay the fuck away from me and my family! You hear me?" I said sharply and brushed past him to get in my car. He grinned at me and gave me a little wave as I turned on the engine and tore out of the parking lot. I wished I was in my Ferrari as I took the motorway home. I would have made it in half the time but probably would have either had an accident or been taken to jail. I was grateful for my Rover as it kept me in check as I wound my way into the countryside. I went into the village and parked to pick up some more cigarettes from the chemists. I went straight to the counter and noticed some people staring at me as I waited in line. I know I stand out because I had on my animal print fur coat and leather trousers but I tried to ignore them all. I'm a little too rock and roll for this crowd. I got to the front of the line and the woman behind the counter frowned when she saw me.

"You've got a lot of nerve..." she said to me in a halting manner. "Miss Hughes is from a respectable family!" This woman was judging me based on that fucking article! Shit! 

"I need a carton of Marlboro please.." I asked with as much politeness as I could muster and attempted to ignore her snide comment. She made a huffing sound and turned and grabbed the carton of cigarettes and dropped them on the counter. I laid out a 10 pound note and gave her a shit eating grin. "Keep the change!" I announced and grabbed the carton and stormed out of the shop. Fuck! I walked to my car and saw a few other people glaring at me. I realized this article was the talk of the village. My disdain for Tilly grew as I climbed in my car and pulled out. Has she ruined my life in the countryside as well as my marriage? I considered both matters as I drove home.

I arrived and went inside. Eager to see some friendly faces after the afternoon I've had. Clare came into the kitchen and looked like she wanted to tell me something.

"What is it?" I asked her. She smiled at me. 

"I know where Brian is....your friend Trevor called..." Clare informed me. I instantly knew Brian had fled to Brighton and must be at the home of our friends. I felt some relief in knowing he is safe and with good people. I smiled gratefully at my sister.

"Thanks...I needed some good news.."

\--------------------- 

Brian's POV

"I'm fine Brian! I need the exercise and I enjoy the walk..." Trevor told me as he slipped out the front door with his shopping bag. I had insisted I could drive him to the market but he preferred the three block journey on foot. I glanced out the picture window and saw him turn on the path towards the shopping centre. It was a beautiful day and the weather was warm. I considered going out and sitting on their back patio as Wilkie came in and took a seat next to me.

"Fancy a cocktail?" he asked me and I smiled but shook my head. 

"I'm alright..." I told him and he reached over and picked up his drink and took a sip. I liked that he was comfortable with me being here and could just be himself. I looked around their quaint sitting room and stood up to look closer at the mementos on display from their years in the theater. I admired some posters and playbills that were framed and saw several photographs of stage crews and Trevor on stage. One picture in particular caught my eye and I turned to Wilkie.

"Is this you and Trevor?" I asked him and Wilkie grabbed his eyeglasses from the table and stood up and came over to see what I was looking at. He smiled warmly as he got closer. The photograph showed both of them close together and smiling in their younger days. A warmth was apparent between them.

"It is....I think it was taken around 1951 or 52..." he remarked as he looked over the photo. I found them both to be handsome and refined looking. I loved the subtle intimacy they displayed. If you hadn't known they were a couple you would miss it quite easily.

"You make a beautiful couple...even then..." I told him as we both admired the picture. Wilkie seemed a little wistful. 

"I've got a bit pudgy round the middle...but Trev is still a stunner..." he told me with a gleam in his eye. It gave me hope to see how long they had been together and how happy they seemed in their golden years. Content and settled. I wondered if their relationship had ever been as tenuous as mine and Rogers. Before I could ask Wilkie spoke.

"I know Trev didn't say anything because he probably didn't want to make me look bad or hurt my feelings...but we had a crisis during our years together..." he revealed to me. I was keen to hear what happened. Since he indicated Trevor didn't want to make him look bad I wondered what he might have done.

"What kind of crisis?" I asked him. Wilkie didn't seem uncomfortable with my question. I was glad.

"His name was Casper Bennett and he was an actor...like Trevor..." Wilkie sighed and looked at the picture again. "We met him during a production in Cardiff...god - it was ages ago!" he recalled. "He was a charismatic fellow!" The look on Wilkie's face told me already that he had fallen for this man. "I guess the best way to say it is I was tempted by the fruit of another and I took a bite..." he confessed. He and Trevor were still together so they had obviously worked through it. Like Roger and I had before.

"What happened?" I inquired and Wilkie put his hands in his pockets and walked back to his chair. He sat down and looked at me as I followed him and resumed my place on the sofa.

"I had turned 30 and was feeling a bit old and useless at the time..." he explained. "Trevor had the starring role in the production and was completely focused on it and kind of left me feeling neglected..." He ran his finger over the top of his glass on the table as he reminisced. "It seemed like he was more into his career than us and instead of me talking to him about it I went and did something foolish..." he laughed a little and had a far off look in his eyes. "I know now that Casper was envious of Trevor and wanted to find a way to get back at him for getting the lead in the play....so he pursued me with a passion and used every trick in the book to wile me away from Trevor...." I could see that Wilkie felt taken advantage of as well as guilty for his indiscretion. "Casper was a true scoundrel in every sense of the word...." he declared and smiled at me. "I was taken in by his charms and fell fast....and I have to admit I enjoyed getting my dig in at Trevor for paying more attention to his star turn than to what I was doing behind his back..." he sighed heavily. "And it only helped that Casper told me that was how I should feel...he loved to point out the betrayal we both engaged in and soon the guilt started eating me up...even though I was mad at Trevor...the affair was deceitful and wrong..." 

"So you stopped seeing him then?" I asked hopefully. Wilkie looked embarrassed.

"I was going to end it but then Casper threatened to tell Trevor about us if I stopped seeing him..." he seemed weary at this particular memory. "It didn't matter though because Trevor already knew..." Wilkie smiled at me then. "He had figured things out by then and actually walked in on us one night at the hotel...." I gasped a little. Even though I know Rog had cheated I had never caught him in the act. I couldn't imagine how bad that was for them both.

"Sorry..." was all I could muster but Wilkie waved his hand dismissively at me.

"Don't be...it was the best thing possible....it put an end to it...and I had to face up to my mistake and try to patch things up with Trevor..." I smiled at him.

"And you did patch things up...so that's good..." I pointed out. Wilkie laughed and leaned back in his chair.

"Oh we made up...but it took a long time for Trevor to forgive me and he never forgot...that's for sure!" Wilkie seemed lighthearted as he mentioned their reconciliation so I felt better for him. I was grateful he shared their tale and that they weren't perfect either.

"I guess every marriage has their moments..." I commented and Wilkie smiled at me and then leaned forward and put his hand on my knee.

"I know Roger hasn't been faithful and I know it hurts....but I also know how much you both love each other...you've got those beautiful children...and that is something worth fighting for..." he reminded me. I nodded agreement and knew he was right. It was worth fighting for. And I knew the longer I hid in their bungalow the longer it would take to get back to a good place in my my life. I had already decided to find a way to make it work so delaying my return was only denying me my children and a return to a happier place. 

"You're right Wilkie...you're absolutely right!" I concurred and stood up from the sofa. "And I'm just wasting time sitting here sulking when I should be fighting for what's mine..." I told him and he smiled at me as he stood up and pulled me into a hug. 

"I have to say Brian...this article feels a bit fishy if you ask me...those tabloids are known for stretching stories to get a seemly angle and sell papers..." I had to agree with his view but there was one key point he forgot.

"It doesn't explain how she knows about his tattoo..." I reminded him. He nodded agreement and then patted my shoulder once we pulled apart.

"No...it doesn't...but I'm hopeful you can find a way past it..." he said it with compassion and I felt his support.

"Me too....thanks..." I replied and realized if I left now I would miss saying goodbye to Trevor. "I want to wait and say goodbye to Trevor..." I informed him and Wilkie shook his head. 

"Don't...go and get your man...and phone us in a few days and let us know how things are...and if you need to come back...well...the door is always open...for either of you..." he said to me firmly. I nodded and smiled as I pulled my clogs on from the floor by the sofa.

"Thanks again...and I'll call you..." I said gratefully. 

"And give Clare and the kids a hug from us both...send some new pictures when you get a chance.." Wilkie asked. I felt bad I had left home without even my bag. It had some recent photos I could have shared but I took off so abruptly it was left behind. I was lucky I had my driver's license in my car and some money hidden in the glove compartment. Roger had tucked it away for me. I smiled at remembering his care and wanted to get home and figure things out. My resolve was renewed as I found my car keys and walked with Wilkie to the door.

"Well...bye...give Trevor my love..." I told him. We hugged again and then I opened the door and left. If I missed heavy traffic I could be home in time before the kids went to bed.

\-------------------

Roger's POV

"No...I haven't heard from him yet...but he is in Brighton with Trevor and Wilkie...so I know he's okay...I just wanted you to know..." 

"Thanks Roger... I'm relieved...I'm supposed to fly to New York tonight...if you want me to stay.." I cut Freddie off. There was no need for him to interrupt his plans. 

"It's okay...go ahead and I will see you in a few weeks..." I told him. "We will both see you in a few weeks.." I said to be optimistic. 

"Alright then...good luck and you know my number there if you need me..." 

"I've got the number and I will call if need be...have a safe trip..." I answered. We hung up and I was relieved this was the last phone call to be made. I had notified Jim, Deacy, Brian's mother and now Freddie that Brian was safe. I got up from the couch in my bedroom and walked out and headed into Tiger Lily's room. She was bent over a piece of paper at her little table and looked up at me as I walked in. 

"What are you doing?" I asked as I went and squatted down by her chair. I saw she was drawing something and had some crayons strewn about the table.

"I'm drawing you and Daddy..." she informed me as she picked up a brown crayon and made a bunch of squiggly lines across the top of a stick figure. I smiled as I could see it was Brian's hair. Next to the figure was another stick person with yellow squiggles. A circle with a long line sticking out from it was by Brian's feet.

"What is that?" I asked her and pointed to the circle. Tiger Lily looked up at me and grinned.

"It's the kitty...silly!" She moved the brown crayon down to the area by my feet in her drawing and made another circle with a tail.

"And what is that? Another kitty?" I asked and she rolled her eyes at me. 

"No! It's our puppy..." she informed me. I wasn't aware we had a puppy but smiled at her anyway.

"It's really nice sweetheart.." I said and reached over and kissed her forehead. The buzzer from the intercom sounded and I knew it was Clare's signal that dinner was ready. "It's dinner time...let's get cleaned up..." I told my daughter. She laid her crayon down and stood up and followed me in to the bathroom to use the toilet and wash up. "Clare made some stew and I'm hungry..." Tigs laughed at me as I washed my hands also and we took off down the stairs after I dried them. "Want to watch Top of The Pops with me later?" I asked her and she nodded as we walked in the kitchen. We all sat down and had our meal and avoided talking about Brian as we focused on Tiger Lily's school day. Jimi was eating in his high chair and wearing half of his dinner. I finished eating and got up to get a wet cloth to clean him up when the back door opened and Brian came in. I stood frozen at the kitchen sink and Tiger Lily burst out of her chair and ran up to Brian.

"Daddy!" she shouted and threw her arms around his legs. He reached down and picked her up and held her close and closed his eyes and smiled. 

"I'm home poppet..." Brian murmured to her. I was so fucking happy to see him but gave him his moment with our girl. He held on to her as he glanced my way and then turned his attention to Jimi. I remained at the sink as he put Tigs down and squatted down to greet our son. Clare stayed in her seat and smiled at Brian as he walked over and kissed her head. He then came my way and I turned to face him as he stood by the counter.

"Hi!" I said to him and smiled at him. He looked tired but he didn't look angry so I was grateful. 

"Can we talk?" he asked me. I went to say yes and hoped to take his hand and go straight to our room.

"It's time Papa!" Tigs came up to us both and tugged at Brian's hand and looked up at me. "Top of The Pops..." I had promised her we would watch together. I didn't want to let her down.

"I promised we would watch it tonight...can we do that and then we'll talk?" I asked him. He smiled and looked down at Tigs.

"Can I watch too?" Brian asked her and Tigs beamed at Brian and bounced on her feet and tugged at him to move.

"Let's go..." she told us both. We followed her into the living room and I went over and turned on the set and found the right channel. Brian sat down and Tiger Lily sat in the middle and I took the spot on her other side. The show began and the first act was Gary Numan. He was a new act with synthesizer heavy music. These sounds were growing on me and I seriously considered buying one to learn how to use it. Brian and I exchanged frequent glances as the show progressed. A few forgettable acts appeared and then a new song began playing and the act was introduced as Sister Sledge. The song was soulful and four women identically dressed began dancing in unison as the song went on.

The beat was a little slow for my tastes and I considered Deacy liking this song. I wondered if he watching. I noticed Brian was watching me as I tapped my foot.

We are family  
I got all my sisters with me  
We are family  
Get up everybody and sing  
We are family  
I got all my sisters with me  
We are family  
Get up everybody and sing

Everyone can see we're together  
As we walk on by  
(And) and we fly just like birds of a feather  
I won't tell no lie  
All of the people around us they say  
Can they be that close  
Just let me state for the record  
We're giving love in a family dose

I listened to the lyrics and found it was a positive song about family and unity. I liked it and smiled as I heard more of the song. Tiger Lily stood up and began dancing around the room. She was really into the song and pretended she was performing. I saw Brian watching her and his adoration was evident as he suddenly got up and walked over and began dancing with her. He bent down and took her hands and they swung their arms and sang the chorus.

I pulled myself from the sofa and joined them. I felt joyful for the first time since yesterday afternoon and danced with my husband and my daughter and forgot about our problems for a moment. I was soon singing along with them and felt hopeful that we would find a way to be okay. We would find a way back to each other.

We are family...

Get up everybody sing!


	110. If You Make It To The Top...And You Want To Stay Alive - Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important - Please excuse my poor attempt at French!

11th September 1979

Surrey

Brian's POV

After Top of The Pops ended I got Tiger Lily up in her room and read her a story while Roger put Jimi to bed. Clare was cleaning up from dinner and was going to watch a movie so Roger and I went to our room to talk. I was anxious about it because I had decided on the way home tonight that I just wanted to tell him I forgive him and wanted to move on from it. I didn't want to have one of those long drawn out sagas like we've had in the past. The emotionally draining talks and the separate bedrooms. The strain in every interaction with him, Clare or even the band. I wanted to remain with him so I didn't see the point in going there this time. I guess I'm resigned to the fact that Roger will periodically do this. He will cheat and I just have to accept that is a part of who he is. It hurt and I didn't like it but I wasn't going to sacrifice my family over it.

I took a seat on the couch and Roger came over carrying a glass of water. He dropped down in the chair next to me and we exchanged an uneasy look. He took a drink and set the glass down and leaned towards me.

"I know you were in Brighton..." he informed me. "Trevor called..." For some reason I wasn't surprised. Since Trevor had asked me more than once just to call and let Roger and the kids know I was okay, finding out he took matters into his own hands seemed understandable. He only did it for good reasons so I wasn't angry. I nodded confirmation and saw Roger watching me intently. 

"I needed some space to think..." I replied. "I knew if I went anywhere else you would call and find me and...I just needed some time..." 

"So now you're back..." Roger commented and I knew he wanted me to start things. I guess since I walked out I needed to. I smiled at him and tried to find some confidence for my words.

"I am back....and I'm here to stay..." I assured him. He appeared happy to hear this so I continued. "And I want to say...that I forgive you..." I forced the words out quickly and hoped he would accept and we could just get ready for bed. I was still tired and missed my room and my bed. I missed being with him. Roger's brow furrowed and he looked almost offended.

"I don't need your forgiveness Brian....I didn't do anything..." he told me in a stern tone. I couldn't believe he wanted to play this game. I sighed and tried not to sound irritated.

"Look...I get it...you've got a strong libido and you're just going to do these things from time to time..." I began and Roger stood up from his chair and glared at me before I could finish. 

"Oh? So you think I'm a fucking whore? Is that it?" he roared at me and his face was red with anger. He looked like he might explode.

"I didn't say that and you know it!" I countered back in a heated voice. "I'm trying to be a reasonable adult about this..." I explained and tried to reach over and touch him to quell his anger but he shoved my hand away.

"A reasonable adult would listen to his husband and believe him when he said he didn't cheat on him!" he shot back at me. "If you really love me you would hear me when I tell you I didn't do anything with that girl!" Roger seemed so adamant about this and I wanted to believe him. I did. But I couldn't escape the evidence to the contrary.

"Just tell me one thing Rog...tell me how she knew about your tattoo...." I said to him bluntly. He almost looked distraught at my question and I took it to mean he knew he was stumped on what to tell me about this fact. He couldn't come up with a believable story.

"I don't know how she knew...and that is the truth!" he declared to me. He began walking around the room and seemed agitated. "After you left I called Jim and told him everything and he contacted that piece of shit reporter. We met with him today so we could confront him about the fact he published a lie..." This was news to me and I had to admit that Roger pursuing the issue with that article didn't seem like something a guilty person would do.

"What did he tell you?" I asked out of curiosity. Roger stopped pacing and looked over at me.

"Basically his view was that it was my word against hers since there was no actual evidence...but he was adamant it was true because of the tattoo reference...just like you seem to believe..." he pointed out to me. I was a little annoyed he was throwing it at me like a dig at my position on things but it was a valid point. "So Jim asked for that girl's phone number so we could call her and get her to talk to us....try and get her to rescind her story...since it isn't true! But she's left town....the country actually....he said she cashed the check she got for her story and left for the states..." Roger looked a little downtrodden as he told me this. I felt bad that there isn't resolution about it.

"Can't you just contact her family?" I asked him. "They must know where she is..." I pointed out to him. Roger sat on the arm of the couch and folded his arms and sighed heavily.

"I considered it...but I'm afraid calling or seeing them is only going to fuel a fire..." I wasn't sure what he meant.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"That article is the talk of the village!" he said and I realized I hadn't considered how this story would play out with the locals who knew her family and knew we lived here as well. Shit! "I went to get some smokes and was treated to a barrage of ugly stares and hostile treatment from the shopkeeper..." Roger stood up and walked over to get his water and took a drink. "Let's just say I am not feeling welcome in our little hamlet right now...they think I've corrupted the daughter of the village monarch..." I felt bad for him. Even if I still think he might have cheated, it isn't everyone's business and the whole town knowing the sordid story of him and this girl feels awful.

"Sorry Rog..." I told him and he looked a little satisfied to hear it but set his glass down and flopped back down in his char. 

"Well...sorry doesn't fix the fact that she lied about me to the whole fucking world....and you still believe I cheated.." he pointed out bluntly. I couldn't deny that I still wasn't sure so I stayed quiet as Roger fumbled with a pack of cigarettes he pulled from the table. "I'm going for a smoke.." he told me quietly and got up and walked out of the room. This talk did not go at all how I hoped and my body felt tense and tired. I got up from the couch and went to our bathroom and turned on the faucet for a bath. I got the water temperature where I wanted it and stripped off my clothes and sunk in to try and relieve the ache in my muscles and in my heart. The warm water and fatigue made me sleepy and at some point I drifted off. I woke up from the chill setting in on the water and pulled myself from the bath and went and changed for bed. I had no idea how much time had passed but crawled into bed and figured Roger had joined Clare to watch tv rather than face talking to me anymore tonight.

\-----------------------------

My alarm clock went off and I quickly rose so I could get Tiger Lily off to school. As I shuffled in the bed I saw Roger's side was empty and it hadn't been slept in. My stomach sank at the thought he had opted for the couch or the guest room rather than share with me. I got cleaned up and dressed and woke Tigs up. After getting her dressed and ready we headed downstairs for some food. I didn't see Roger in the living room and knew he had taken the guest room. We had not left things in the best place so I had to understand it as I walked with Tiger Lily to the car and drove to school.

She was in a good mood when we arrived at the carpark and I took her hand after getting her and her bag from the backseat. The doors were already opened so we walked up to the entrance and I bent down and smiled at her.

"Me or Papa will be here to pick you up...have a good day poppet..." I said and kissed her head before she smiled at me and turned to go inside. I am grateful she likes school and was happy to be there. I made sure she was in before I walked to head for the car. I noticed that same nanny from earlier in the week standing and watching me from the walkway. She smiled and waved to me so I did the same to be courteous. I got in and headed home and hoped to improve things with Roger. When I pulled in the drive I noticed the side door to the covered garage was ajar and wondered if Roger was inside tinkering with his Ferrari. I got out of my car and walked over to see. I was surprised to find the garage was empty. His car was gone. I hurried into the house to see if he had just gone for a drive. Maybe we could talk later. Clare was standing at the counter holding Jimi and looked at me as I came inside.

"He's gone....he left you a note..." she told me in a subdued voice. I immediately came up and took the envelope from the counter and tore it open.  
\--------------------

Brian -

You told me last you night had left because you needed some space and needed some time.

I guess I do as well.

I had an invitation to attend a race in France that I had turned down but I've changed my mind and gone. Crystal is coming with me so I'm alright. I'll be back in a few days.

I love you...

Rog

\----------------------

I folded the note and had to accept that Roger was entitled to some time just like I was. I wasn't thrilled he'd run off to some race in Europe but couldn't stop him at this point. I smiled at Clare.

"He's accepted an invitation to a race in France. He'll be back in a few days..." I explained to her. I didn't want to talk about it but knew she wanted to. She set Jimi down and he toddled over to me smiling.

"Daddy..." he said sweetly. I picked him up and found my excuse to avoid a complicated talk right now. 

"Let's go for a walk little man..." I said to him and gave Clare a look telling her we were going alone. She sighed heavily at me as I took my son's hand and disappeared out the back door.

\---Later that day---

Clare made herself busy with laundry and calling her best friend. I walked to her room to announce I was headed to pick up Tiger Lily from school. Jimi was having his afternoon nap. 

"I'm off to get our girl..." I told her as I leaned in her doorway. She was seated in her chair and was holding her phone in her hand. She nodded to me and then covered the mouthpiece.

"He'll be back...." she said to me. I was certain Roger would come home, but I appreciated her sentiment. I smiled at her.

"He will..." I agreed and left to go to the school. I parked and walked to the area where the parents and nannies were waiting. I recognized quite a few of the people and noticed some that were normally friendly were keeping to themselves. An older woman was watching me and gave me a disapproving look. I turned to focus on the school doors and started to understand what Roger meant when he said the village had not been welcoming. I felt someone tap my arm and turned to see the young woman I had seen this morning and earlier in the week. She had a friendly expression and leaned close to me.

"I think they've all seen the article...." she whispered to me. "I expect you won't get any friendly overtures from this group anytime soon...they think Roger seduced the county's most eligible young lady..." I had a feeling she is right.

"You know it takes two to make a liaison..." I countered and she rolled her eyes at me.

"I agree...I certainly don't think that Hughes girl is innocent...I mean...she is the one who sold her story..." the nanny replied. It was nice to hear that she seemed to be looking at the broader picture. She wasn't blaming Roger. "But take heed....Mrs. Hughes has it in for Roger...so I guess that would include you as well...and she holds sway in this place..." she warned me. 

"Thanks for the warning..." I said to her kindly. The school doors opened and the children came pouring out. I soon saw Tiger Lily coming out and was near a boy her age. He was saying something to her. She got an angry look on her face and turned and shoved him before she came bounding my way. I wondered what he said and was upset at her for striking him. Tiger Lily's face remained scornful as I went up to her and bent down.

"What was that for?" I asked her. "Why did you hit that boy?" she wouldn't answer me and began walking towards the car. I stopped her. "Answer me..." I said firmly to her. She looked up at me with anger in her eyes.

"Billy said you were bad..." Tigs replied. "He said my Daddy was a bad man..." she told me in a hurt voice. I felt awful that this boy had said something to her about Roger. Of course, that boy doesn't know that she calls Roger 'Papa' and I go by 'Daddy.' It didn't matter. He had said something mean to her. I squatted down in front of her and held her hand. I looked her in the eye. 

"You know I'm not a bad man....and neither is Papa...so it doesn't matter what someone says...what anyone says..." I told her. She thought about it for a moment and her face softened a little. "You know in your heart we are good and we love you...so who cares what he said..." Tiger Lily turned and looked back at the sidewalk where the boy was with his mother and I turned and saw them both watching us. Tigs returned to looking at me and threw her arms around me. I smiled and picked her up and managed to get hold of her bag and we walked to the car together.

"Yeah...who cares...." she repeated. I got her inside the back seat of the car and we left the school. As I drove home I thought about the bad things that had happened over the past few days and felt like my home wasn't feeling like home anymore. The tabloid article and Clare's news weighed heavily on me. Now Roger and Tigs both had been treated poorly by our neighbors. Was I next? Was Clare? It wasn't right! As I looked at the village I realized we had never really been a part of this community. And Mrs. Ormsby-Hughes didn't like the idea of us to begin with. We probably never had a chance. And by her daughter's hand we were now openly ostracized. 

"Let's take a drive..." I told my girl and turned down a road that wasn't towards home. I turned on the radio and found the station I know she likes. A song by Earth Wind and Fire finished and the new song by Rainbow came on. It was a great rocker and it cheered me up hearing it.

I get the same old dreams same time every night  
Fall to the ground and I wake up  
So I get out of bed, put on my shoes and in my head  
Thoughts fly back to the breakup   
These four wall are closing in  
Look at the fix you put me in 

Since you been gone  
Since you been gone

I'm out of my head can't take it  
Could I be wrong  
But since you been gone  
You cast your spell so break it

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh  
Since you been gone

As I listened to the lyrics it made me sad. It was really about a breakup and I couldn't help but think of Roger and I. Because of that I changed the station. To Tiger Lily's delight it was playing a Queen song. It was 'Somebody To Love.' Tigs began bouncing excitedly in the back seat and yelled out.

"It's Freddie!" she declared and began singing what she knew of the words. I smiled at the sight of her swaying in the back and loving our music. I sang my backup part out of habit and watched the road. I happen to catch site of several large estates as we took the road south through Surrey. There were so many homes and quite a few were on large parcels of land and were hidden from the main road. I noted several of them had notices of being for sale. I was curious and soon found a place to turn around so I could head back home and make a phone call.

13th September 1979

Le Castellet, France

Roger's POV 

"I saw James Hunt race at Silverstone once.." Rick told me as we sat in our VIP seats and watched the cars go by at a frantic pace. "I can't believe he's retired..." I couldn't believe it either. He was the best British driver around and it was a disappointment when he announced he was done with driving earlier this year.

"I guess we'll see what Watson does then..." Crystal commented. Watson was another British driver. He didn't replace Hunt on his team though. A Finnish driver was chosen.

"Or the Finnish one..." I added to the conversation. "I can't remember his name..." Rick looked like he knew it.

"Rosberg..." he told us. He was right. The was the fellow's name. A waitress came up and handed us fresh drinks and we thanked her as she walked off. There were just a few more laps to this particular race and it had turned out to be a bit of a bore. The earlier race was more exciting. We had just started talking to fill the time. I found a plate of appetizers on the table and grabbed a piece of cheese bread. Rick and Crystal were lounged back in their seats and were watching a woman go by. She eyed them both and winked as she passed.

"Now there's something French I could sink my teeth into..." Rick commented and we all grinned at his sexist remark. Rick had complained about the French food all day but seemed to like the French females present at today's rally. "I can't wait to get back home and eat some nice English food...shit! I'd even prefer that German stuff my wife makes.." Rick told us as he emptied his drink and made a contented sound as he wiped his mouth. Rick Parfitt and I had become friendly over the past few years. We both enjoyed a good drink, a great car race and a lot of laughs. I often saw him at the parties thrown in our music circles. His band Status Quo was quite popular in the U.K. and Europe. He had invited me a few times to attend a race with him but I had always declined. It was mostly due to work or family commitments. This time I accepted. He was married but didn't bring his wife. She was a German woman and I had met her at a couple of parties. She was nice enough but you would never know he was married by the way he had behaved since Crystal and I arrived in the south of France. He had met some girl at the club the night before and taken her back to his room. Crystal had found a friend as well but I had made my excuses and gone to my room alone. Rick didn't know about Brian and myself. I didn't know him well enough to tell him this. I was just never entirely sure who to trust.

We three had met up for brunch at our hotel and gone to the Paul Ricard motor racing circuit around noon. I had drove Crystal and myself over in my Ferrari and we enjoyed the sound system and some high speed shenanigans on the trip here. Rick was driving his Alfa Romeo around. I was watching my drinking since I had to get us back to St. Tropez. Rick and Crystal weren't being mindful at all. In fact they were pretty pissed at this point. Crystal stood up and stretched a bit.

"I'm off to the loo..." he informed us and stumbled off in the direction of the toilets. Rick watched him go and turned to me and smiled a sloppy grin.

"He's a good mate..." he commented to me. 

"Yeah...Crystal is a keeper..." I agreed. Rick flagged down the waitress for another round and then turned back to me. 

"Thanks for coming Rog...it's my birthday next month...it's fun to be out with the boys at my advanced age and having some fun... I laughed at his reference to his age. He was implying he was quite old when he is only a year older than me.

"Don't get ahead of yourself mate...I'm just a year younger than you and I'm certainly not ready to say I'm old..." Rick chuckled and slapped my arm.

"I forget that...you just look so much younger...we might be close in age but you've definitely got the youth and the good looks covered for us both..."

"Thanks..." I told him. A photographer came over and asked to take some pictures. We both got positioned in a spot behind the VIP seating and let him snap a few photos. We returned to our seats afterwards.

"You back to work soon? I know Queen doesn't take much time off these days.." I nodded.

"Yeah...we're releasing a new single next month and have a shoot for a music video planned for the 22nd..." Rick appeared interested.

"We've got a tour coming up...so I'm enjoying my time off..." he commented. "Do you ever tire of your band mates? You all have been together a long time...like Quo...I mean...you must get tired of May's face sometimes...you've known him the longest..." I wasn't sure how to answer this. Right now I missed Brian's face despite wanting some distance from him. I shrugged at Rick.

"Oh...Brian's alright....if he wasn't...I wouldn't work with him..." I said to give him some type of answer.

"You live together right? I mean...he's dating your sister...they've got a kid..." I nodded agreement and took a drink before I answered. I'm always a little nervous when someone asks these questions.

"Yeah...since my sister helps care for my kid it just makes it easier if we share a place....plus the kids get to be around each other...it's nice actually..." I told him with a smile. Rick seemed satisfied as he finished another drink.

"You should take advantage of being away from home then...have a little fun..." he then commented to me. He eyed a woman as she came by who mostly looked my way. Rick turned to me and smiled deviously. "I bet she wouldn't say no to a ride in your Ferrari and ride in your lap?" he teased. I just smiled at him and winked so he would think I was game. Crystal came back and flopped down in his chair.

"Whose up for some poisson tonight?" Crystal asked us both in a terrible attempt at a French accent. We were staying at a hotel on the water in St. Tropez and there were plenty of restaurants serving seafood. Rick leaned over and patted Crystal's leg.

"Poisson and a little pussy...eh?" Rick sniggered. They both erupted in laughter and I joined in for good measure. Crystal winked at me when Rick wasn't looking and I smiled at him. Thankful he keeps my private business private. Keeps Brian and myself to himself.

\--------------------------

I had my wits about me as I tore down the motorway heading east along the coast. I was grateful I hadn't got drunk so I could effectively navigate the road as I took my mate back to our hotel in St. Tropez. Rick had stayed around to flirt with some of the woman at the race track and to try and sober up to drive. The sun was starting to set over the watery horizon and was viewable from the coastal beltway. I carefully managed the curves in the road but enjoyed the rush of the speed and handling of my Italian automobile. Crystal was seated across from me and looked like he was guaranteed some quality time near a loo as soon as we get back. It was clear he was nauseas from the the winding turns.

"Maybe you'll finally run into ole Bridget Bardot when we get back in town..." he said to me as he shifted in his seat. "She's seen there a lot..." he commented. I slipped off the motorway onto the streets of the town as we got closer to where we are staying.

"I wouldn't mind a glimpse of her..." I acknowledged. I heard a weird noise and it sounded like it came from under the car. "What was that?" I asked Crystal. He shrugged and still looked a bit queasy. I let off the high speed a bit and noticed the air in the car seemed odd and heavy. It appeared to be steam and I wondered if I had overheated the car. I quickly turned off the main road and got on a less busy street. I was slowing down when Crystal shouted.

"Fuck! It's smoke!" he yelled out. I looked at where he was pointing and saw the thickening smoke coming inside the car. I immediately veered to the curb and stopped. We both quickly got our doors opened and scrambled out of the vehicle. We took several steps back onto the sidewalk and stood in horror as we watched my beautiful red baby go up in flames. 

"Fuck!" we both yelled and someone came running up to us.

"Nous avons appele le service d'incendie.." the man told me. I caught word that sounded like incendiary and figured he meant the fire department. I nodded to him.

"Je suis Anglais..." I replied. He appeared to understand my attempt at what little French I know.

"You okay?" he asked me in English. I smiled gratefully at him.

"Yes...thanks...merci..." I said back. Crystal smiled at him also. We all resumed watching the fire and soon after heard the telltale sound of emergency equipment in the distance. It was too late though. My car was a lost cause. What the fuck had made it catch on fire?

"How you say? Kaput?" the Frenchman asked me with a sad face. I nodded to him.

"Yes...kaput!" I agreed. Crystal came up and put his arm around me. It was comforting.

"At least the kids weren't with us..." he commented. He was right. This would have been terrifying if the children had been in the car. But I'm not sure I would ever travel with them in a car like this. Especially now. Maybe that is why most sports cars were just two seaters. Adults only. I suddenly wanted to hold my kids. And I wanted to hold my husband as well.

"I think I'm ready to go home..." 

\----------------------------

We caught a flight home since the car wasn't going to get us there. It had been hauled off to a garage after the firemen got it extinguished. I dreaded telling Brian about it as he would probably have some speech about my driving and being careless. It wasn't my fault and they didn't know why it caught fire yet. With the existing tension between us I hoped Brian would skip it and be grateful I came back. Crystal had called a hired car for us and dropped him off in London before it went out to Surrey to take me home. It was a good thing we had left our luggage and passports in our hotel room and still had it for our return to England. I was quiet and pensive as I arrived at our country abode. I got my bag and made my way to the back door as the car left the drive. I realized I didn't have my key since it had burned up in the car. I knocked on the door and waited. Grateful it was not the middle of the night. No one answered so I dug out a hidden key from a spot in the garden.

I was surprised to find no one was home. The downstairs was empty and my trip upstairs showed no one there. I left my suitcase in my bedroom and used the toilet to freshen up. I changed clothes and went down to see if I could figure out where everyone might be. There wasn't a note in the kitchen but I remembered they didn't know I was coming home. The house was so quiet and a little lonely as I went room to room. Missing my daughter's loud voice and my son's adorable smile. Wondering what was keeping my sister and my husband away from the house during a time Jimi would normally be having a nap.

I got the pile of new mail from the front door slot and walked to Brian's study as I went through it. I pulled my mail from it and also a magazine for Clare and was going to lay Brian's things on his desk when I saw something that made my heart stop. There were boxes strewn about the room and all of the things in his study were packed. The shelves were empty and his desk top was clean. Why had he packed his study? Why?

I dropped all the mail on the floor as I realized he was moving out. He was leaving. He was leaving me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI - Roger actually did have his Ferrari catch fire as he drove in St. Tropez in September 1979. He was on holiday and also experienced being stranded at sea in a boat with a dead engine on the same trip. He had to be rescued by the authorities. Not a relaxing holiday.


	111. Living In This Town Honey...Is A Letdown...

14th September 1979

Surrey

Roger's POV

I couldn't believe that Brian not only didn't believe me but was ready to leave over this. I had an impulse to pick up one of his packed boxes and throw it across the room. I kept control of my emotions and stormed from his study and went upstairs. I went into our bedroom and pulled open his closet and found he had also packed some of his belongings he kept in there as well. My anger spilled out and I picked up a box of his shoes and threw it across our bedroom. Several individual shoes scattered all over and one of his wooden heels caught the edge of our dresser mirror and cracked the surface. I found another box packed with belts and some accessories and tossed it as well.

I was yelling as my anguish over him leaving built and I went to go pull his dresser drawers out and had a notion to send his neatly folded socks out our bedroom window when I heard someone coming. Brian came bounding into the room and stood there with a startled look on his face.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he shouted at me. I picked up one of his stray clogs from the floor and threw it at him.

"You wanna leave? Fine! Fucking leave then!" I screamed at him and he lunged to one side to miss getting hit by a heavy shoe.

"Hey! Stop it!" he yelled back and gave me a stern look with narrowed eyes. "What do you mean...me leaving?" he shouted. I picked up another clog and threw it his way.

"I am not a liar or a cheat Brian and I can't believe you are walking out over this!" I said to him with my fury on display. "And if you think you are taking my children with you...you've got a battle on your hands!" Brian dodged the second shoe I hurled and put his hands up in a passive gesture.

"Roger! Stop it! I don't know what you think is happening here...but I'm not moving out!" he told me as he seemed surprised by my words. I dropped the third shoe I had found to throw and looked him in the eye.

"Then why have you packed your study and why are some of your things boxed up in there?" I asked him and pointed to the closet. He sighed and began walking my way.

"Because I began packing so all of us can move out..." he explained as he got close to me. I was confused by his response. What did he mean - all of us move out?

"What? We're moving?" I asked him. "What are you getting at?" Brian smiled at me.

"We need to move Rog...this place doesn't want us here and do we really want to be where we aren't welcome?" Brian asked me. He was right. I had already experienced hostility from a few villagers and it probably wouldn't get better. That Hughes family was here long before we were and our occupation didn't do us any favors in the locals opinion of us.

"You've got a point!" I agreed and felt myself start to calm down. Brian came right up to me. 

"Are you done throwing things at me then?" he said gently. I nodded as he pulled me into his arms. "I missed you..." he told me and hugged me close. I had missed him too and held onto him tightly. In a kind of delayed response to the car fiasco the day before I felt a little emotional and knew that is where some of my rage today came from. I tried to shift my focus to what Brian was trying to tell me.

"I missed you too..." I replied and we just stayed holding each other for a few minutes. "So what's this about moving?" I asked and he pulled away from me and took my hand.

"Come on...." he said and began walking me from the room. We headed downstairs and I found Clare and the kids in the living room. When she saw us walk in holding hands she smiled at me and got up from her place on the couch.

"So are both okay?" she asked and I nodded and felt a little tearful at seeing her and the kids again. I did miss them terribly and Tiger Lily hopped off the couch and came over to hug me.

"Papa...did you see the cars?" she asked me. Apparently she was told I went to the car race so I smiled as I knelt down in front of her and hugged and kissed her. Jimi came up behind her.

"I did see the cars...I went to a race with Crystal..." I explained as we embraced and Jimi also got pulled into our hug. I kissed his head. They both felt wonderful in my arms and Clare gave me a warm smile. She then looked over at Brian and they seem to share some kind of knowing look between them.

"Did you race your car?" Tigs asked me. I had to laugh because of what actually happened to my car. 

"I wasn't in the car race...but it was fun to watch..." I said and Jimi looked excited and made a car sound as I picked him up and took Tiger Lily's hand. "Want to get something to drink? I'm thirsty..." I told them both. They nodded as we walked out to go to the kitchen. I was glad to be home and glad to see my family. I had a lot of questions but needed to take a moment and relish my kids.

\----------------------

"I know I should have consulted you first...but Rog...this is just the place we need!" Brian told me enthusiastically. I wanted to laugh as he sounded like me when I've tried to sell him on something big in the past. I decided to humor him and smiled. He was driving me to this mystery location and I found us heading south of where we currently live.

"Where is it exactly?" I asked.

"It's located in Thursley...it's about 5 miles south of Guilford..." he explained. I kind of knew where Guilford was. "I'm telling you...you are going to love it!" I had to admit I had never seen him so excited about a property before. It must be something special for him to be this way. "It's called Milhanger...and it was built in 1907..." 

"What kind of house is it? What style?" Brian beamed at me.

"It's an Arts and Crafts style and it has 7 bedrooms and 5 baths..." he bragged. I liked what I was hearing. A lot of space would be nice. Even with just 5 people at our current place it sometimes felt crowded. I know I'm spoiled these days. We both grew up in fairly small and humble houses. Living in our mansion had afforded us some luxury and it was hard to give up. 

"I like what I've heard so far..." I replied. Brian reached over and squeezed my leg. 

"Just wait till you see it..."

He was soon pulling into a private drive and came up to a security gate. He pressed in a code and a large gate swung open.

"It's a lot more secure than where we are now..." he told me. "No one can just walk up to our house or our pool anymore..." I know he was referring to Tilly's uninvited appearance at our house and poolside. I then realized he mentioned the pool.

"Does this house have a pool?" I inquired and Brian glanced over at me. 

"It doesn't yet...but there is plenty of room to add one..." Brian took the private road and I soon saw a building in the distance. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and my stomach had butterflies as we approached the main house.

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed and took in the sight of what apparently is my new home. Our new home. I was actually speechless at the choice he had made. I had not even seen inside but felt like I would have made the same choice.

"Welcome home Rog!" Brian said warmly and smiled as he stopped the car near the front door and got out. I followed as he walked up to the front door. "The sale isn't official yet but since the bank already confirmed we had the funds the realtor gave me a key so we could get measurements and such..." he explained as he opened the door. I went to step in but Brian stopped me. "Wait!" he said and took my hand. I turned to give him my attention. "I just wanted to say that I believe you Rog..." he revealed to me. "I had some time to think about what happened and everything you said and I just...I want you to know I believe you..." There was nothing Brian could have said that was more important than these words right now. I felt restored and happy to know he had chose to take my word for it. That Tilly was lying and I wasn't a cheat. My faith in him was renewed so I reached up and kissed him. Brian pulled me into his arms and kissed me deeply. I hoped we were truly alone at this place but really didn't care because I had missed that kiss and those warm soft lips. We shared another moment or two of just being connected before we pulled apart.

"Thank you..." I told him and ran my hand across his cheek. "It means everything that you believe me babe..." Brian nodded and smiled and then formed an amused look. "What?" I had to ask because he looked so merry.

"Come here..." he replied and went to pick me up. I gasped as he got hold of me and lifted me up bridal style and kicked the front door open a little more. I hurriedly put my hands around his neck and laughed and screamed as he carried me over the threshold. He was giggling as he set me down and pulled me into a sweeping kiss. When we parted I swatted at him.

"If you ever tell anyone you did that I swear to god I will murder you!" I said with a scowl on my face. Brian just smiled and pulled me back to him again.

"Oh you loved it and you know it!" he told me and smiled. For someone I was so angry at not five hours ago, I think I fell in love with him a little more right now. "Now take a look! Take a look!" I turned my head to really look around and was gob smacked! The front hall was full of natural light and there was a beautiful oak staircase leading upstairs. As I looked it over I could easily imagine it tastefully decorated. Classic English with some antiques.

Brian took me around the lower floor and I marveled at the lovely sitting room and the study which was the triple the size of the one Brian has right now. No wonder he wanted this place. He showed me an anteroom off of his study which could be mine if I wanted my own office. The dining room was elegant but the kitchen was massive. There was ample room for a large table for the family to enjoy casual dining and I considered how easy it would be to entertain with facilities this size. We had gone to so many parties at estates of other musicians and envied the room they had for social gatherings. This place gave us the room and I got excited at the prospect of hosting something.

"What do you think so far?" Brian asked me as we looked over the rooms. I smiled at him.

"I would love to throw a party here sometime...you know...like the ones we've gone to.." I answered. "I know our situation makes this complicated..." I added. Brian smiled and took my hand.

"I was thinking the same thing actually....and I think I have the solution to keeping our private life private..." I was keen to hear his idea and followed as he took me back to the study and walked over to a large oak wall. To my complete amazement what seemed to be a wall panel moved easily to reveal a discreet staircase. He gestured for me to follow. He went up the narrow stairs and we both arrived inside a room that made our current bedroom seem tiny. I was stunned at seeing how much space there was. Brian walked around as he spoke to me.

"This can be our true inner sanctuary..." he began. "We can have our sitting area right here with the nice light from the windows and over there is a private bathroom..." I walked in and saw a spacious room with a glass shower stall and a nice sized tub. I loved the green and cream tile and the soothing decor. It was perfect.

"We can put our bed over in that darker space and these closets adjoin two other bedrooms Rog....there are two other entry points into this room...but you have to know they are there..." he explained to me as he opened the closet doors. We went into one large sized closet space and I saw the door on the other side. We walked over and peeked into another decent sized bedroom.

"Maybe I could decorate and furnish this room and say it's my bedroom if people ask..." I commented. Brian smiled as we looked around. We would actually have a secret bedroom sandwiched between individual rooms of our own. I loved it!

"That is exactly what I was thinking....we have enough bedrooms now we can create the illusion of separate quarters..." My face brightened as I realized we could live here and invite anyone over to visit that we wanted. In the past the fear of someone discovering our shared bedroom was a barrier to entertaining outside of our most inner circle. Brian closed the closet door and we walked back into the main room and over to where the other closet was.

"This closet leads to another bedroom I can say is mine..." he opened the door and we both looked in to see a smaller closet and a smaller bedroom than the one we first saw. I grinned at realizing I had the bigger closet and fake bedroom. We were soon back in the main bedroom making plans and sharing a smile as we dreamed about what we could do with this space. I went over and looked out the windows and gasped as I saw what lay behind the house.

"Is all of this ours?" I asked in disbelief as I saw the expansive grounds and several other buildings. Brian gestured for me to come with him and we went back down the private stairs and walked out of the study and out of the back entrance of the house onto a manicured lawn. There was a lot of space on the right side of the house. I could easily see where we could add a pool. We walked further on and down some stone steps there was a large cottage.

"They said it's called Cosford Mill..." Brian explained as we walked over to look at the cottage. We didn't go in because Brian didn't have the key yet. "Melanie and I saw it...and I was thinking if Winnie needed to come live with us...well...she could stay there and have her own private place..." Brian told me. "It actually has 4 bedrooms and 2 baths and it's nice and cozy...." I smiled at the thought of being able to offer my mother something like this and loved Brian for thinking of her. Melanie, our realtor and Brian had done well. I thought of my sister and had a question.

"I know this house has a lot more space...but we didn't finish looking at all the bedrooms...is there a good size one for Clare?" Brian looked subdued and took my hand.

"Rog...there is something I need to tell you..." he said and I knew it was something I probably didn't want to hear. 

"What is it?" I said with dread. Brian led me over to sit on the steps of the cottage and faced me.

"Clare has decided to leave..." he revealed and my heart almost stopped in my chest. Did all this recent mess put her over the edge with us? Had our lives become too much for her to deal with? I felt instant guilt.

"It's because of this mess...isn't it?" I replied and Brian shook his head as he squeezed my hand.

"No! She actually told me her plan before this happened..." he explained. I was annoyed she told Brian first and that he was the one telling me. She is my sister after all!

"Oh! And you've kept it from me? Both of you!" I charged and Brian looked beleaguered. 

"It wasn't like that..." he argued. "She told me a few hours before she came home with that newspaper and everything just blew up...so there wasn't a chance to tell you..." I felt a little better hearing this but still was upset to know she wanted to move on. I love having her in my life and raising the children with us. I trust her implicitly and she has been a rock during difficult times. Considering her not being a part of our new chapter in this house made me sad. As I looked around the grounds and up at the big house I felt an emptiness.

"So we start this part of our journey without her then..." I said out loud and Brian looked sad as he put his arm around my shoulder and sighed.

"You can't believe that she was going to be with us forever Rog....she doesn't really have a life of her own..." he pointed out to me. "If she wants someone in her life and possibly children of her own...well...it's hard to make that happen when she's busy living our lives and not one for herself..." Brian made sense. I hated how much sense it made and I felt selfish for wanting her to stay with us forever. I forget that the demands we place on her don't really allow for a real personal life. One she is entitled to. One she truly deserves.

"I guess you're right...I have to find a way to let her go..." I conceded. Brian leaned over and kissed my head. 

"I'll miss her too..." he reminded me. "We all will..." Brian pulled himself from the steps and reached his hand out to me. "C'mon...let's look at the rest of the place..."

\---------------------------

I was still in shock that Brian had found this paradise for us. Between the enormous house and the cottage and a 6 car garage, I was in heaven. We went through the massive barn and discussed converting it into a home recording studio. This would be a much better setup for our work than we had right now.

After spending more time looking over our new property we finally left to get back and begin the preparations to move. We could close in two weeks since we didn't need to finance the place. It wasn't a lot of time to prepare for the move and Brian talked about bringing in some people to help pack. We would look into whether Alli was free and we would pay her for her time and also one of the road crew who knew about us. They were always looking for extra work between tours.

Once home we shared a family dinner and then I went with Clare upstairs to talk about her decision. I had enough time during the day to absorb her news and tried to be supportive. We shed a lot of tears and a lot of laughs as we remembered the good times and the bad times together. I stayed in her room fairly late and Brian had put the kids to bed. After midnight I returned to our bedroom and found him writing in his journal.

"I'm almost finished..." Brian told me as I stepped in the bathroom to get ready for bed. I undressed and brushed my teeth and went back in to take my place in bed. He set his journal and pen aside as I took a sip of my water and turned to face him.

"I guess Clare leaving means we have to find a new nanny..." I commented to Brian. He nodded and looked a little sad.

"We do..." he agreed. "That will be the most challenging part of this move..." he remarked. He is right. In our prior attempt to find help our questionable living arrangement had been a barrier. "We have a few months...but we should probably start looking..." Brian suggested as I shuffled over a little closer.

"I guess our lives are changing..." I said and Brian knew what I meant. It was a lot to take in at one time. A new home and a new nanny. A new school for Tiger Lily and a new album to finish. He reached over and put his arm around me and pulled me into his side. I leaned down and pressed my head against his shoulder and neck. His warmth and scent were comforting. We sat for a moment lost in our own thoughts of what is to come and then Brian made a tiny chuckle.

"What?" I asked and looked up and admired his soft grin.

"We are turning into one of those old married couples that we both probably dreaded knowing about in our younger days..." I laughed at his observation.

"Can we leave out the word 'old' ?" I requested and Brian squeezed me closer and chuckled again.

"Okay...maybe I am the old fart here...I mean after all...you're the one with the youthful little Italian Sports car..." he taunted. It occurred to me at that moment we had never talked about my car.

"Uh...Bri...there's something I forget to tell you...

\----------------------------------

17th September

Brian had told me about the incident at Tiger Lily's school. Not only about the boy who had said I was a bad person, but the disapproving stares from the other parents. I was more than happy to end our daughter's tenure at this snooty primary school. I had to attend to filing an insurance claim on my car so Brian had taken Tigs to school that morning. I told Brian I would pick her up and go ahead and withdraw her from the school. Brian couldn't legally do it since I am her father. Even though we haven't moved yet I didn't like her being subjected to any possible umbrage from those village snobs.

I arrived and parked and headed into the school. I hoped to get her withdrawn before the school day ended and the entrance would be full of parents. The Administrative office didn't have anyone waiting so I walked up to the secretary.

"Good afternoon...I need to withdraw my daughter from the school..." I informed the older woman behind the desk. She looked surprised.

"Oh! Well...let me get the paper we need to complete..." she explained. She smiled before walking to a cabinet and pulling the form from a file folder. She returned and took her seat at the desk and inserted the document inside a typewriter. "What is her name?" she asked politely. 

"Tiger Lily Meddows Taylor..." the woman seemed to know the name and she smiled at me as she began typing.

"And you are?" she asked next.

"Roger Meddows Taylor...her father..." she typed the information on the form and then looked up at me.

"And the reason for withdrawal?" she then inquired. 

"We're moving and she will be changing schools..." I explained. The woman kept typing as he looked at me. 

"How exciting....where is she transferring to?" she asked. We had not decided.

"We are deciding that now..." I explained. The woman asked for some other particulars for her form and then pulled it from her typewriter. She leaned forward and handed it to me to sign. "Today is her last day..." I announced and the woman hand wrote in the date and then picked up the phone to notify her teacher. I stood and looked at the notice board and smirked as I saw a photograph from a village event that included the illustrious Mrs. Ormsby-Hughes. I assumed the dour looking man next to her was her husband. He looked miserable. I felt the satisfaction of having a happier marriage and turned when I saw Tiger Lily walking into the office with her teacher. As we told Miss Bolton farewell the bell rang and the hall began to fill up with students.

I took Tigs' school bag and her hand and we left the office and headed out the entrance. There were quite a few parents and nannies milling around and I immediately caught one of them giving us both a disapproving look. She leaned over and whispered something to a woman standing nearby and they both looked at me with judgement in their faces. Anger simmered inside me and I noticed a few others gawking at me. I realized I would probably never see these people again and turned around gave them all my middle finger. The adults all raised their eyebrows in response. I heard one of them gasp and I grinned with satisfaction as I picked my daughter up and headed for my car.

'Let's get the fuck out of here...'

\----------------------------

Brian's POV

"We have that photo shoot and an interview on Thursday and then we close the next day..." I explained to Roger as he folded the lid down on a box he had just packed.

"Did you arrange for a locksmith and someone to install a safe?" he asked me. I smiled and nodded to him. 

"They will be there in the afternoon...after our closing..." I replied. "Trish is also coming with the builder..." I informed him. We were lucky that Trish was available to assist us with decorating. She was in high demand these days. Roger set his packed box in the corner and came over to look at our calendar for the next several weeks. It was packed full. 

"Why do we always manage to move when we have so much going on?" he asked me as he stretched his arms over his head and sighed. 

"We have a bad habit of that...don't we?" I replied with amusement. I patted his back. "I guess we should try and get to bed...we've got filming tomorrow..." I reminded him. Roger turned and smiled up at me as I leaned in and kissed his nose. He padded off to the bathroom wearing the same smile. I pulled off my dirty clothes from packing and tossed them in the clothes bin. I walked past Roger brushing his teeth and turned on the shower. I wanted to get cleaned up to help me sleep better. With so much going on my mind has been racing and sleep has been evading me. I peeled off my briefs and stepped into the warm water. It was soothing and I felt some of the day's tension melt away. I was soon dried off and in a pair of pajamas as we both got settled in bed. After a few more quick mentions of tomorrow's schedule Roger turned out his light and rolled over to sleep.

I managed to fall asleep but woke a few hours later. I tried to just turn over and close my eyes but my running brain betrayed me and I sat up in bed and sighed as I watched Roger contentedly snoring. As I tried to clear my head an idea I had used before came to mind and I pulled my journal from my nightstand and found a pen. I turned on my lamp and opened up to a fresh page and began to list all the things that were rolling inside my mind. After jotting down the basics about packing, moving, dealing with movers and decorators and tradesmen my mind moved to matters of the heart.

I recalled all the events of the past week and how it all made me feel. I knew sorting out some of my feelings about the newspaper article and the decision to move could only help. I thought about how I felt when I read the story and everything since. I began to put my thoughts on paper.

It hurts when I think about Roger being intimate with someone else but I guess it is something I need to get used to if I stay with him. He always ends up going down this path at some point and I know his sex drive is greater than mine. With everything that has happened this past week I know each incident will have its cost. But I want to be with him and I want my family to stay intact. I know the children will be happier with a consistent life. Well; as much as we can give them a consistent normal life. Our careers make that enough of a challenge.

I lied to him! I am not entirely sure why I did it. I could have worn him down and got him to finally confess he did sleep with that girl. Maybe it is easier for me just to tell him I believe him and move on from it. I don't have the energy right now for it. I made a choice in that moment at the threshold of our new home. If I was willing to move away from this mess with him, I was willing to let him believe that I thought he was being truthful. Faithful. Maybe I'll regret it. I don't know.

Yes, he does stray. But he always comes home to me. Will him getting older curb his infidelities? Possibly. I am willing to stick around and see. I love him and I want my future with him. I guess that is why I told him I believe him. I need him to believe in my desire for a future. I guess we are both liars....

I closed my journal and laid it on my nightstand. I shuffled back down under the comforter and turned and put my arm over Roger's chest. I closed my eyes and hoped I was doing the right thing for myself and for my children. I smiled as I thought about Freddie's song and realized it was an apt title - Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - The home described in this chapter is the actual home Roger purchased in Surrey in 1979. Roger lived there from 1979 to 2003. You can see everything in great detail at the following website. https://www.onthemarket.com/details/1001776/
> 
> An additional note - I hope you enjoyed my placing them in a secret bedroom that is housed between two closeted entrances. I found it amusing to think that when they each left the room they were generally coming out of the closet!


	112. Sail Away Sweet Sister - Part 1

5th October 1979

London / Surrey

Roger's POV

"I'll take one of those..." I told Brian as he opened the picnic hamper and pulled out the sandwiches. He handed me one and I set it on my plate. We already had the food set out for the children and were getting our plates filled to eat our lunch. Each of us had a sandwich and some grapes along with bottles of lemonade. We were sharing a large tin of crisps and I had placed some on each plate.

"It's a shame it started raining..." Brian commented as he looked around at the large blanket we had spread out on the empty floor of the family room of our new home. The plan had been to have a picnic lunch on the grounds outside but the rain began an hour ago and had not let up. We resorted to plan B and were having our picnic indoors.

"This is still fun...right?" I asked the children. Jimi's mouth was full of sandwich so he just nodded at me. 

"I'm having fun..." Tiger Lily agreed and we all shared a contented smile as we ate. 

"Maybe we could do a camp out by the lake if it's not too cold..." I suggested. Tigs and Jimi both looked eager and bounced a little on their bums. They wore enthusiastic grins. 

"We don't own a tent Rog..." Brian pointed out as he used a baby wipe to try and clean up Jimi's smeared face. 

"I think we could manage to get our hands on one..." I replied and gave him a encouraging look. I thought it would be fun. We never get the chance to do anything like that because of our schedule and our large grounds afforded us our own private campsite.

"I think a campout would largely depend on some warm, dry weather..." Brian countered. "We may be too late in the season for it..." I felt like he was being a spoil sport and frowned at him.

"We could build a fire to keep warm..." I argued back. Brian shrugged a little and that told me he wasn't interested. I sighed at him and took a bite of my sandwich.

"You always make that sound..." Brian said to me with annoyance on his voice. I knew what he meant but wanted to be difficult since he was being a dud about camping. I swallowed my bite.

"I don't know what you mean..." I replied and tried to sound innocent.

"You do this Papa...." Tigs announced and proceeded to mimic my heavy dramatic sigh. Brian laughed out loud at her impersonation of me. Jimi joined in as well.

"I don't sound that bad!" I declared to her with a half snarl and a half grin. I tossed a grape at her and she squealed a little. We all laughed at her funny high pitched sound.

"Papa silly!" Jimi remarked and Brian grinned adoringly at him.

"Yes...Papa is silly...he's an absolute riot!" Brian agreed. He looked over at me and winked and wore a joyous smile. My heart felt full watching him with the children. He is the best parent and I never tire of seeing how much happiness they bring him. I counted myself lucky to have him as my partner in raising them. I had never intended to become a father but life had different plans for me. Once I embraced having Tiger Lily in our lives it wasn't that hard to imagine another child. They were both good kids. Well behaved and smart and already had wonderful senses of humor and a joy for music and life. We are quite a beautiful family.

I felt we owed my sister a lot of credit for helping us raise two well adjusted and content children. They were loved and cared for in a way I feared we could never replicate with a new nanny. Speaking of a new nanny. That is what Clare is doing today. She had placed an advertisement and was interviewing some candidates to replace her. After several talks about the challenge in finding someone, it was agreed that Clare would do the initial search and narrow the choices down to a few girls. We trusted her to know who would be a good fit as no one knew the children or ourselves better than she did. She would not disclose who we are until she was ready for a final interview and would bring them out to the house for a walk through and to meet us and the children. She would also show them the lodgings we had to offer. Adjacent to the house was a two bedroom cottage they could have to themselves. We were offering a generous salary on top of paying their expenses when we travel and the room and board were included. It was our hope this would attract the best possible caregiver.

We all sat and enjoyed the sounds of the steady rain and our own banter as we finished our food and felt lazy.

"Play me that song..." Tiger Lily whined to me. She stood up from the picnic blanket and tugged at my arm. I had played her a demo of a song I had almost finished for our new album. It felt timely and really different from the other stuff I had done. I had bought a synthesizer and had been learning to play it. It gave me the inspiration to write this. "Papa...come on..." Tigs kept up her insistence. Brian grinned at me as I rolled my eyes and stood up.

"Alright...alright..." I told her and saw Jimi climb onto his feet as we all headed into the other room. I had set up some equipment in my new study to use for songwriting since our studio was in the process of being built. My new desk and some other furniture was on order but had not arrived so I made use of the space with work things. I went over and turned on the synthesizer and amplifier and pulled out the little bench to sit on. Tigs came over to stand facing me over the keyboard. Jimi followed behind us and stood at my side. I adjusted the volume and adjusted the settings for this particular song as they watched me. I placed my fingers on the appropriate keys and began playing for them. I used my foot to keep time as I played the melody of the song and Tigs began bopping up and down to the beat. She started dancing around and had the lightest and most buoyant smile. I loved that I could make her feel that way. Jimi mostly stood in place and bent his knees as he listened. His lack of dance skills reminded me of Brian and I tried not to laugh. It was cute nonetheless. I started singing some of the words I had written for it.

What do you know  
What do you hear  
On the radio  
Coming through the air  
I said Momma  
I ain't crazy  
I'm all right, all right  
Hey c'mon baby said it's all right  
To rock'n'roll on a Saturday night  
I said "Shoot and get your suit and come along with me  
I said "C'mon baby down come and rock with me  
I said "Yeah

"Tigs shouted out 'Yeah!' and I smiled widely at her joining in. I stood up from the bench and tried to act like Little Richard as I screamed the words and both kids started laughing and screaming along with me. Now - this is the best part of being a parent! We were all bopping on our feet when I noticed Brian come into the room. He looked a little grim and it un-nerved me. I stopped playing and feared something horrible had happened.

"What is it?" I asked him. He glanced over at Tiger Lily and then looked back at me. He walked my way and leaned close to whisper.

"Jim called...he got a phone call from Ellie Kerrigan..." he informed me in a quiet, but tight voice. My heart clenched hearing her name. It was Kim's mother. Tiger Lily's grandmother. I wondered why she called. We hadn't heard from her since that day she handed my daughter over to us.

"Why is she calling?" I asked him as the kids began watching us. I saw Brian swallow hard and he took hold of my hand and began walking me away from the children. We got several feet away and he turned me to face him.

"Rog...she's dying..." he answered and his face showed sadness. "She doesn't have much longer..." he explained. "And she asked if she could see Tiger Lily...before she's gone..." My initial reaction sprang from my lips.

"Well...that's too bad..." I told him. "But that woman abandoned her grandchild...was ready to give her to social services...so sorry...she can't see her!" I felt anger and bitterness swell up in me. Brian took hold of my arm and began walking me from the room. His face was set in a stern look and I knew this was going to become an argument. I noticed the kids watching us as we left the room. Brian closed the door to his own study as he took hold of my arms and looked me in the eye.

"Look - I know you hate her! I know you have nothing but bad feelings about the entire situation involving her needing us to take Tiger Lily but I need you to understand something..." Brian told me in a firm voice. "You feel this way right now...and you want to protect your daughter...I get it...but what you are not considering is that Tigs has already asked a lot about her mother and is curious..." Brian seemed to be trying to contain his emotions but I could see he was upset. I guess with me. "If you deny her the chance to meet her only connection to her mother she may hold that against you someday..." he informed me. "It's one meeting and Tigs may not even remember it...but please think of Tiger Lily...and not yourself right now..." 

I hated how much Brian's words made sense. Why does he have to be so rational sometimes? Deep down I knew he was right. Despite all the ill feelings I have towards Ellie I couldn't let that prevent my daughter from seeing her. I wished this wasn't happening. I felt nothing but trepidation as I closed my eyes and saw the image of her handing me my daughter and crying as we walked out of Jim's office all those years ago. She had told us she was too sick to care for her. Part of me at the time thought she was lying and just didn't want the burden. I guess she was telling the truth. I opened my eyes to meet the warm hazel eyes looking into my own.

"Alright...we'll go..."

\---------------------------------  
8th October 1979

En Route to Worcester

I called Jim back to tell him to arrange for us to visit in a few days. We didn't tell Tiger Lily just in case something happened to Ellie before we could arrive. We just said we were going for a drive and might stop to see a friend. Brian, Tiger Lily and I left in the morning and Clare stayed home with Jimi. I had chosen a blue velvet dress for Tigs to wear and Clare had brushed her hair out and pulled the front back with a white bow.

We arrived in the Worcester area about 11 am and stopped for some lunch. We found a small cafe and had something light before I drove us into Rushwick where Ellie was currently living. She was staying with her only sister in a small house. We found the street and my heart began pounding as we pulled up to the curb.

"You ready for this?" Brian asked me as we got out of the car and Brian got Tiger Lily out of the back seat. He picked her up and carried her as we made our way to the entrance. 

"Let's just get it over with..." I replied and felt myself tense up as we approached the door.

"Where are we?" Tigs asked as Brian went to knock. He pressed her close.

"Remember how we've talked about your Mum before?" Brian said to her. She nodded and looked a little confused. I reached over and took her hand. "We are going to visit her Mum today...she's your grandmother..." Brian explained in his soft voice. Tiger Lily still looked confused. I reached out for her and pulled her in to my arms.

"You know how Grandma Winnie and Nana Ruth are my Mum and his Mum?" I told Tigs as I pointed at Brian. She nodded understanding. 

"Yes..." she replied. I smiled at her.

"Well...we are here to see Ellie...your Mum's mother..." I said. She raised her just like my Mum raised me and Nana raised him..." I explained. Tigs seemed to register what I was saying. I nodded to Brian and he went ahead and knocked on the door. Brian and I shared a look of anticipation as we waited. The door opened and a middle aged woman with short dark blonde hair looked nervously at us. She formed an awkward smile and opened the door wider.

"Hello..." she said in a quiet voice. "You must be Roger...and I know who this is..." she said to us. The woman was definitely related to Kim. She stood back from the door to let us inside. "Come on in..." she gestured at us and I smiled as I stepped in holding my daughter. The woman looked at Brian. "Mr. Beach said you were bringing your friend..." she remarked as she kept watch on Brian. He smiled at her and reached out his hand. 

"Hi...I'm Brian..." he told her in a friendly tone. She accepted his hand and returned a warmer smile.

"I'm Angie...Ellie's sister..." the woman introduced herself and she then shook hands with me. She looked at Tiger Lily with a sentimental expression. "She does really look like you...but I do see some of Kim in there..." she commented. She waved at us to follow her. "Ellie is back here...follow me..." she said and I felt a little nervous as we walked to the back part of her house. There was a sunroom and sitting in the corner of a small sofa was Ellie. I remembered her from that meeting and noticed she had aged. She did look ill. Her dark blond hair was dull and her skin was a bit gray. Her eyes were still the same though. They did remind me of Kim's. The same warm brown color. She was situated in a sunny corner of the room and it seemed cozy. There were some framed pictures on a shelf nearby and a photo album was sitting out on the table. There were fresh flowers in a porcelain vase on the end table and it made the area cheerful. Angie walked over by her sister and they both looked at us. Ellie had perked up upon seeing us and drew a smile as she took in the sight of her grand-daughter. 

"Oh my!" she remarked as she looked her over. Her smile deepened as she gazed at my daughter. Tiger Lily was looking back at her with curiosity. "She has grown so much!" Ellie exclaimed with a voice filled with emotion. I felt uncertain what to do or say. This was such an odd moment. Tiger Lily squirmed in my arms so I decided to put her down.

"Here...have a seat..." Angie offered to us and I smiled at her as I walked over and sat on the sofa and Tigs stood between my legs. Brian came over and took the seat next to me. I gestured at him as I spoke to Ellie.

"Ellie...you remember Brian...he was with me at the meeting when I met you..." I said and she smiled at nodded at him.

"I do remember you...it was so nice of you to be there for him...you're a good friend..." she commented. Brian smiled at her. 

"Would you all like some tea?" Angie asked. We both nodded and she left the room. I turned my attention back to Ellie as her eyes remained on Tiger Lily. The room was silent and an awkwardness crept in.

"Does she know who I am?" Ellie asked me intently. I kept hold of my daughter and nodded at her.

"Yes...we told her right before we came in...she knows you're her grandmother..." I replied. "Tigs knows about Kim...and that she passed..." 

"That's my Mum...that's Kim..." Tiger Lily suddenly said and I saw she was pointing at a photograph we have a copy of in her small album at home. The same picture was framed and sitting on the end table.

"She does knows her..." Ellie said in an grateful tone and beamed at my child. "I wasn't sure what you would tell her...since...well...you know..." Ellie said awkwardly as she looked over at me. 

"She knows that she lived with her Mum up until she was eight months and that Kim died in an accident..." I said to Ellie and emphasized 'accident' to her. Ellie nodded to me that she understood our decision to not say anything about her drug overdose. We planned to tell her the entire truth when she is old enough to understand it all. 

"I understand..." Ellie said to acknowledge my words. She looked back down at Tigs. "So you call her Tigs for short then?" she asked me. I smiled at her.

"Yeah...I love her name...don't get me wrong...it's just a mouthful sometimes..." I admitted. Ellie had a genuine smile for me. Her face took on a healthier glow.

"I warned Kim about that..." she said and actually chuckled to herself as she seemed to remember a happier moment. Her face suddenly tensed and she seemed to struggle for a breath. She reached out to take hold of a breathing mask she had nestled in the seat with her. I hadn't even noticed the small tank of oxygen sitting by her feet. It was partially covered by the blanket on her lap. She coughed a little as she got her mask on. Her sister came into the room carrying a tray with our tea and immediately looked concerned.

"You okay Ellie?" she asked her. Ellie nodded as she got her mask fitted on her face and stilled herself to take a deep breath. Tiger Lily turned to look at me with worry.

"What's wrong?" she asked me. I smiled at her and pulled her close.

"She has a little trouble breathing and she is using that mask to get some air..." I explained in a calm voice. Tigs turned back to look at Ellie and didn't seem afraid. Just curious. She pulled herself loose from my arms and I let her go as she slowly moved towards Ellie. She walked over slowly and turned back to look at me and then at Brian. We both gave her encouragement and she resumed watching Ellie as she got closer.

Ellie had relaxed after a few breaths and was watching Tigs approach. Angie came over with the tray and leaned down.

"There's milk and sugar..." she said and I smiled as I dropped a spoonful of sugar in my tea and picked up a spoon and my cup. 

"Thanks..." I said as I stirred my cup and she then served Brian and left the room. I kept watch on my daughter as she came up to Ellie's knee. Ellie was looking at her with a mix of adoration and emotion. 

"Hello there Tiger Lily..." Ellie said to her in a formal but warm tone. "You won't remember me but I knew you when you were a baby..." Tigs looked at the clear tube running from the tank up her chest to her mask. She reached over and gently touched it.

"Does it hurt?" Tigs asked her grandmother. Elllie smiled and shook her head.

"Not at all...it makes me feel much better..." she told her in a sweet voice through the clear plastic mask. Tigs formed a small smile and Ellie moved her hand over towards my daughter's hand resting on the blanket. Tiger Lily closed the gap and smiled wider as they touched hands.

"You knew my Mummy?" Tigs asked her with curiosity and Ellie grinned at her. I noticed how relaxed she looked now and her coloring seemed better between the oxygen and seeing her grandchild.

"I did know her...she was my baby...my daughter...and I loved her very much..." Ellie replied. "Want to see some pictures of her?" Ellie asked and Tigs smiled eagerly. Ellie went to lean over to grab an album on the table and she struggled a little. I got up and went over and handed her the album. As I gave it to her we exchanged a warm expression between us. Despite my misgivings at allowing her to see Tigs I knew this was the right thing to do. I smiled at her as she accepted the album and I got closer and helped Tiger Lily onto the couch. She happily got settled next to Ellie and was looking over at the album as Ellie opened the cover.

"Sit Papa..." Tigs said to me. I glanced over at Ellie and she nodded agreement so I sat on the edge of the small sofa and began watching them look at the pictures. Ellie began pointing at pictures and explaining when it was taken. A few were copies of ones she had given us and there were several that we had not seen. Ellie pulled her mask off and gently tucked it back in the corner of the sofa. She returned her attention to her grandchild.

"Your Mummy wanted to be a model....and she did get some work..." Ellie told my daughter. "This one was taken at a fashion show..." Kim looked so young and beautiful in the photo and I could see where Tiger Lily did favor her a bit. She had never mentioned doing any modeling during our conversations over the few days I knew her. I wasn't surprised as she was pretty and photogenic. I admired her commitment to pursue a nursing degree rather than fall back on modeling alone. It just reminded me that her getting addicted to drugs was such a tragedy.

It just reminded me that her getting addicted to drugs was such a tragedy  
"She's pretty..." Tigs remarked as she smiled at the picture. I noticed Brian get up and he glanced over at me as he left the room. I figured he needed the loo and went back to watching the picture show.

"She was quite a beauty...and I think you're quite a beauty dear..." Ellie told Tigs as she reached up and caressed her cheek. Tiger Lily giggled at her affection and I had to admit it warmed my heart to see them have a connection. They resumed looking at the album and I watched and wondered if we had left this opportunity too late. Why didn't Ellie ever try and reach us before? Why is it only now when she is probably near death that my daughter meets her and won't have a real chance to know her? Any anger I thought remained with this woman was gone and I sat and felt nothing but the pain of Tiger Lily losing another family member at a young age all over again.

Brian's POV

It was apparent Roger had warmed up to Tiger Lily and her grandmother getting to know each other. I was happy to see that my husband hadn't brought his ill feelings towards Kim's mother with him today. He had remained friendly and open and I admired his maturity with the situation. I found myself needing the toilet and left the room to find Angie standing in the kitchen. She was preparing some type of casserole.

"Hi...could I use the toilet?" I asked her politely. She looked up from her cutting board and smiled at me. 

"It's the first door on the right..." she informed me as she pointed down the hallway. I nodded understanding and went to relieve myself. I washed up and returned to the kitchen. She had returned to her cooking.

"Thanks.." I told her and she laid down her knife and looked at me.

"You're his best friend?" Angie asked me in a serious tone. I nodded to her.

"Yes...we've known each other about 10 years..." I replied. She looked uncertain about something.

"Can I ask you something?" she said next and her tone assured me it was an uncomfortable question. I hoped she hadn't figured us out. We had said nothing and Tiger Lily had not given us away in any manner. We had reminded her earlier not to say anything about us without asking us first. 

"Sure.." I answered and tried to just sound curious and not panicked. 

"If Ellie would have contacted Roger any earlier than now...before she was terminal...would he have brought Tiger Lily for a visit?" she asked. I tried to think of a way to tell her that answer would be yes and only because I would have made sure it happened no matter how Roger felt about it. I smiled warmly at her.

"Yes...it would have been arranged..." I assured her. Now I was curious if she had wanted to contact us before now. "Did Ellie try and contact Roger before?" I asked and Angie shook her head and sighed.

"I told her many times she should reach out...but she always told me she had left things in a bad way with Roger after the custody meeting.." she explained in a regretful voice. "Ellie said Tiger Lily was better off since Roger was becoming famous and wealthy and could give her a good life..." she added. "It might not be my business...but I do care about my great niece..." Angie stated and looked me in the eye. "She does have a good life?" she questioned. I was happy I could give her the answer she was looking for.

"Yes...Tiger Lily is quite happy and wants for nothing..." I informed her with a grin. "Roger's sister helps care for her when we work so she is surrounded by love and has a nice stable home life..." Angie's face lightened up hearing this and I felt good that she had been reassured. 

"That's wonderful..." she said with a touch of happiness mixed with sadness. "Though it's a shame it took Ellie reaching her final days to get her to change her mind..." she told me as she began to cut up some carrots. Since things were going well I decided to act on an idea I had thought of earlier.

"I'll be right back...just getting something from the car..." I said and walked out the front and got my camera from the bag I had stowed in the backseat. I checked the film and grabbed a flat box and returned to the house. I walked back to the sunroom to find all three of them laughing lightly about something and readied my camera. If there was just this one moment for the three of them, I wanted them to remember it with a picture. I walked in a showed them my camera. "Do you mind?" I asked them and was greeted with delighted smiles from Roger and Ellie. They all posed together for a photo while sitting on the small sofa. I took a few shots to make sure we had a good exposure and then handed the box to Ellie. Roger looked at me with surprise as she accepted the box.

"This is a present from Tigs...for you..." I told her. Ellie seemed taken aback by the gesture and it took her a moment to get the box lid off. Roger looked back at me with a questioning face. I hadn't told him about this because I wasn't sure how things would go today. I gestured at my camera to give him a clue as Ellie made a gasping sound and Tiger Lily imitated her.

"Oh!" Ellie cried out with delight as she pulled the photo album from the box and opened it up to find several pages filled with pictures we had taken of Tiger Lily over the years. Since we had a few days before our visit, I had some prints made from my collection and organized them in an album for Ellie to keep.

"That's me!" Tiger Lily squealed as she looked at the first page of photos. She looked up at me wearing that beautiful smile and her eyes were bright and her face was joyful as she and her Grandmother began a walk through her childhood so far. Roger leaned in over Tigs to see what pictures there were and began telling different stories about each one. I had included a few with his family and the band so Ellie could see the life her grandchild had with us. I even dared to put a photo of myself reading her a story that was one of my favorites.

"Oh! This is my mother..." Roger informed her as they scanned the shot of Winnie and Tiger Lily at the Taylor family home. Roger looked up at me when he finished his story and he mouthed 'thank you' to me. I smiled and got my camera ready to capture their trip down memory lane. I finished and took my seat as I watched an open wound in my husband's life begin to heal. I wished I could repair all the hurts in his world but this one today was nice. The expressions on all three faces made the effort worthwhile.

We finished our visit as Ellie was wearing out from the excitement. Angie took Tiger Lily to get a snack in the kitchen and Ellie explained that her organs were slowly shutting down due to a disease she developed from chemical exposure working in a factory for years. She was comfortable with oxygen and painkillers and would probably only live a few more months. She wanted to see her grandchild before she looked too bad. Roger asked if she wanted us to come again but she declined. She was probably going to a care home in the next week to finish out her days as she wanted to spare her sister having to care for her any further. I made a point to get a photo of Angie with Tigs as well and we soon headed out. Tiger Lily fell asleep on the drive home and the car was mostly quiet as Roger seemed pensive. 

We filled Clare in on the visit after dinner that night and once the kids were in bed. Roger talked mostly about the visit and not a lot about his feelings and we didn't push it. It was obvious he was emotional from it but wasn't ready to really talk about it yet. It was after midnight when we went to bed. Roger slept heavily as I knew he was drained from the day. I didn't as my insomnia was keeping me up. Between this unexpected reintroduction of Kim's mother in our lives and Clare preparing to leave us, I had a lot to process. I ended up leaving our bed and going downstairs to my study. I needed to sort out some thoughts so I could rest. I looked around the study at the photographs I had on the shelves and smiled at the beautiful memories we have made. I felt so lucky to have the life I have and tried to shake off the intrusion of sadness that sometimes haunted my wakeful nights. I opened my song notebook and made some notes. Thinking of passages in life. People who come into our hearts and then leave before we want them to. People who mean so much and leave a hole in their wake. I instantly dwelled on Clare and felt some tears form in my eyes. I was still trying to fathom saying goodbye to her. She was so much more than a caregiver and friend. Some words formed in my head and I put pen to paper.

Sail away sweet sister  
Sail across the sea  
Maybe you'll find somebody  
To love you half as much as me  
My heart is always with you  
No matter what you do  
Sail away sweet sister  
I'll always be in love with you


	113. Sail Away Sweet Sister - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder I don't always follow exact Queen timelines.

18th October 1979

Munich

Roger's POV

"Here's the key to your suite..." the receptionist told us and handed me a key and one to Brian. We thanked him and followed the bellman to the lift. We were back in Munich for a week to do some more recording and opted to just stay in the hotel that was in the same building as Musicland Studios. It was known as Arabella-Haus. We had stayed at the Hilton before but this seemed prudent since we wanted to accomplish a lot during our short visit. Freddie and Deacy were both flying in from holidays and would be arriving separate from us this time. 

"We're meeting them downstairs in two hours..." I reminded Brian as we rode to our hotel room. He seemed to be thinking about something and I touched his arm. "Did you hear me?" I asked. He nodded.

"Sorry...I was going over something in my head..." he replied. We were silent as we arrived at our suite and I pulled out some German Mark's from my travel bag and tipped the bellman as he left. "I'm going to freshen up..." I told Brian as I dropped my bag on the table and opened my suitcase up. He still seemed distracted and was pulling out his song writing book as I grabbed my toiletry bag. I guess he was focused on work so I went in to take a shower. As I stepped into the warm water I realized Brian hadn't shown me any new songs lately. If he had written some new material he was keeping it to himself. This was unusual. I had shown him my work in progress on several of my pieces. With the synthesizer being such a focus for me lately, it was hard for him to ignore me constantly tinkering with the instrument. The kids seemed to like everything I played. I finished cleaning up and grabbed a towel and wiped down my body. I had skipped washing my hair and stepped into my fresh briefs and went out to find something to drink.

Brian was seated at the small dining table in our suite and had his head inside his notebook. He was writing something. I walked over to get a look and was surprised when he quickly closed the notebook.

"You're being secretive..." I remarked and felt a little put out he was hiding his work. Brian shrugged but then grabbed my arm to stop me from walking away.

"Sorry...it's a surprise..." he told me and pulled me into his lap. I let him hold me and looked into his eyes. He seemed a little anxious. 

"What's wrong?" I asked as I moved around to sit more comfortably. He closed his eyes and let out a weary sigh.

"I'm worried that I'm going to have the same problems again with Mack..." Brian confessed. He laid his forehead against my shoulder and I reached over and put my arm around him. The last time we were here Brian really struggled with accepting Mack's working style. They hadn't exactly ended up in fights but there was a palpable tension with them in the studio. I could tell Brian felt coerced into ideas and the fact that us other three had fallen in line with Mack's approach only made Brian feel worse.

"Hey..." I said gently and pulled his head back so I could see his face. "I think you know what to expect this time and you know his style by now...just try and meet him halfway..." I suggested to Brian. "Mack does have some good ideas and this album will be an improvement from our last...I promise you..." I said to reassure him. He pulled me into a hug and we stayed that way for a few minutes. I finally parted us and smiled at him. I knew something that would cheer him up. "Remember...you can always drown your sorrows at Sugar Shack!" I suggested and Brian laughed as I stood up to get dressed.

\--------------------------

"What do you want to work on?" Mack inquired as we all stood around the large studio space. We all looked at each other to see who would go first. We only had a solid week before we needed to head back to prepare for our tour dates. I almost went to volunteer but Brian raised his hand. I was instantly excited to see what his surprise was.

"I'll go first..." Brian announced and he walked over to the piano with his notebook and took a seat. I lit a cigarette to enjoy while he demonstrated his song for us all. He messed about on the piano keys for a moment and I realized he was nervous. He cleared his throat and stilled his hands on the keys as he looked up at us all. "I...eh...I started writing this a while back...and I just finished it..." Brian told us and looked down at his notebook and started playing.

It started off so well  
They said we made a perfect pair  
I clothed myself in your glory and your love  
How I loved you  
How I cried  
The years of care and loyalty  
Were nothing but a sham it seems  
The years belie we lived a lie  
I love you till I die

I felt emotion well up in me as I listened to his words. This was so fragile and poetic. Freddie and I quickly exchanged a look of awe at what we were hearing. I noticed Deacy seemed entranced as well.

Save me save me save me  
I can't face this life alone  
Save me save me save me  
I'm naked and I'm far from home

The slate will soon be clean  
I'll erase the memories  
To start again with somebody new  
Was it all wasted  
All that love?  
I hang my head and I advertise  
A soul for sale or rent  
I have no heart I'm cold inside  
I have no real intent

There were tears forming in my eyes and I couldn't stop watching Brian's face as he sang the most vulnerable piece of music I ever heard from him. I absorbed the words of his song and began to realize what it was about. It was about us. It was about when I cheated and what it did to him; and hearing it in song made me feel shredded inside.

Save me save me save me  
I can't face this life alone  
Save me save me save me  
Oh I'm naked and I'm far from home

He started playing this melody that felt like tragic beauty and I wanted to tell him to stop because it was hurting me and to tell him it was so fucking amazing at the same time. I couldn't even focus on my cigarette as I took in this epic rendering of Brian's anguish.

Each night I cry I still believe the lie  
I love you 'till I die  
Save me save me save me  
Save me save me oh save me  
Don't let me face my life alone  
Save me save me oh  
I'm naked and I'm far from home

Brian played the last few notes and stopped. My heart was clenched in my chest and I actually felt a little ill. He looked up at me and his expression told me my take on this song was accurate. It was completely about me shattering him. It was how he felt right before he tried to hurt himself. It was too much to bear and I smashed my cigarette in the ashtray and averted my gaze from him.

"Brian....that is the most extraordinary..." Freddie began to compliment him and I felt a mix of anger and embarrassment flood my insides. It was just too personal. I snapped under the weight of it all and cut Freddie off.

"You're not recording it!" I barked and glared at Brian. His mouth opened in surprise.

"What do you mean?" Freddie said in disbelief. "It's a fucking masterpiece!" he argued to me. I stood up from my seat and avoided looking at Brian before heading out the door of the studio.

"Rog!" Brian called to me but I ignored him and wiped at my eyes as I pushed my way through the padded door and up the stairs to the hotel lobby. It was crowded and noisy and I hoped to lose myself in the shuffle of people. I began walking towards the main hotel entrance and considered hailing a taxi to go somewhere. Anywhere. I felt someone grab my arm and turned to see Deacy behind me. I pushed his arm away and tried to move quickly to get away from him. He came up behind me and grabbed me by the shirt to stop me.

"Stop!" he told me in a loud voice. I stood still and turned towards him and felt like shoving him but kept hold of my compulsion. Deacy got closer and put his arm around me. He began walking us towards the hotel exit. "Let's go have a smoke..." he said and produced my pack of smokes I had left downstairs. I sighed in resignation and let him lead me out and we walked out the front and across the street to an area with some benches. It was a cool afternoon and the sun was shining. He took a seat and gestured for me to join him. He pulled a cigarette from my packet and placed it in his mouth and used my lighter. Once it was lit he handed it to me.

"Thanks..." I said and took a deep pull from my cigarette. To my surprise Deacy pulled another cigarette from the pack and placed it in his mouth. "Are you smoking?" I asked in disbelief as he proceeded to light it. I watched him expertly inhale.

"Just this once..." Deacy informed me as he exhaled his smoke. I smiled at the new kinship I had found with this man. He looked so damn innocent though as he puffed away next to me. Like a 14 year old boy sneaking a smoke behind the school yard shed. We sat in silence as we both worked on our cigarettes. 

"I guess I've got a smoking companion then.." I remarked as we finished up. Deacy turned to face me but wasn't smiling.

"Not likely..." he replied. "Look...we're going to record the song..." he announced. What calm I had found in my cigarette and his company disappeared. "Freddie and I both like it and we know Brian does or he wouldn't have bothered..." I stood up from the bench and felt like a battle was looming.

"We'll see about that..." I argued back and began to walk back to the hotel.

"It's three to one Rog!" Deacy shouted at my back. I lifted my hand up and flipped him off as I returned to the hotel and went straight back to my suite. I opened the mini bar and grabbed some whisky and considered getting drunk. I twisted the cap off the small bottle and proceeded to empty it down my throat. I wiped my mouth and tossed the bottle in the bin next to the fridge when the door to the suite open and Brian came inside. All the bad feelings I had right now amplified as he lingered near the door looking at me.

"How dare you!" I shouted at him. "How dare you put all of that in a fucking song Brian!" he shrunk a little at my harsh words and tone. "You can't do that!" I cried out to him. 

He raised his hands up in a gesture of neutrality. "Sorry..." he mumbled to me but I wasn't having it.

"I can't believe you wrote that!" I cried to him. "Why did you think you could say all those things and think I would be okay with it?" I asked him in a shrill voice. "Now I know why you wouldn't show it to me!" I spat at him. "A surprise?" I kept on my tirade. "You kept it from me because you knew! " I was pointing at him and my face felt hot from anger. "You fucking knew what I would say...didn't you?" I screamed and the misery of it all welled up inside me and tears formed in my eyes again. He walked over towards me.

"Rog...it's just a song..." Brian argued back to me. I couldn't believe how insensitive he was being at this moment. My hurt and anger erupted and I lunged at him. He grabbed my arms and held me back so I couldn't strike him. 

"It's more than a song and you know it!" I yelled back. We struggled against each other and he got my arms down at my sides as he wrapped me in a hug and held me close. 

"I didn't write it to hurt you..." he said to me as he held me firmly. My face was hot as tears slid down my cheeks.

"Well it hurts to hear it..." I said in a sad teary voice and surrendered to his hold on me. Brian clutched me closer and pressed his cheek to mine. I sniffed a little and Brian pulled back and wiped at my tears. Brian released his hold on me and took my hand as we walked to the bed to sit down. He kept looking at me and then looked down at his hands and seemed flustered.

"I'm sorry Rog..." he finally said and seemed sincere. "You're right! I guess I knew you'd have reservations about it....that's why I didn't show it to you before..." he admitted. I felt vindicated hearing this and crossed my arms in front of me. 

"You realize you're telling the whole fucking world that I cheated on you!" I pointed out. Brian shook his head.

"You're forgetting that the world doesn't know about us..." he reminded me with a small smile. "I already have a story concocted if anyone asks about it...but Rog...this song is important to me...it comes from a place inside me that needed to process and do something with all those dark feelings..." he explained. I wanted to dismiss his attempt to justify it but I knew he meant what he said. He sighed and leaned over and gripped my thigh. "I wrote this song over several years and mostly in the dead of night when I couldn't sleep..." Hearing this made me more sad than mad at him. I guess this song really was therapeutic for him. "It's more than about what you did Rog...it's about my state of mind during that time...what a bad place I was in..."

"I'm glad you found it cathartic...but it still hurts to be reminded of that time..." I countered. Brian pulled me close and kissed my head.

"It is the past Rog...where we are now is what matters..." 

\---------------------------

We spent the week working on Brian's song and actually finished it up. Brian was running through the final mixing with Mack and they seemed to be getting along better. They had both found a middle ground and were trying to work to make this the best possible record. Since I wasn't needed tonight I returned to our room for an early evening and indulged in some room service food and a hot bath. I noticed it had begun raining as I wrapped myself in a thick fluffy hotel robe and enjoyed an after dinner cigarette by the open balcony door. It was cold outside but I put up with it to have my smoke. I almost finished when the telephone rang. I smashed out the remnants of my cigarette as I picked up the phone.

"Hello"

"Hey Rog...it's me...everything going okay?" Clare asked me. I glanced at the clock and saw it was about 9pm her time. The kids were in bed. 

"It's good...Brian is downstairs mixing a track..." I answered. "How are things there?" I asked back. "Any progress on the nanny front?" Clare had finished some interviews but had not updated Brian and I on her final decision yet. 

"I actually have another interview tomorrow and then I'll decide...I'll tell you when you get home..." she explained. I was glad to hear she was close to a decision. Time was flying by. 

"You know we're anxious to get someone started..." I reminded her. "I thought maybe you had called to say you've found the right one..." 

"The reason I called is I received a phone call from Mum today and I think you need to give her a ring..." Clare advised. I was curious why she called and wished my sister would just tell me the nature of the their visit.

"Can't you tell me what she said?" I asked as I realized I had left the balcony door open and the room was getting quite chilly. 

"No...this is important...you'll want to speak to her yourself...give her a call...you're free right now..." she pointed out. She was right. 

"Alright...I'll ring her in a minute..." I confirmed. "Before I go...anything else you wanted?" 

"Yes...don't forget to visit that shop Deacy talked about...the one there in Munich...where he bought those plushies for his kids...because Jimi really liked that stuffed bear Michael has..." I was grateful for the reminder. With Christmas coming we were trying to find some things for the children and Clare had mentioned this to us before we left. Michael had a stuffed bear Deacy had bought him on our last trip here. Every time Jimi saw him with it he wanted to play with it. 

"Thanks for the reminder...I'll go tomorrow...first thing...bye..." I hung up with Clare and went and closed the balcony door. I shivered a little since I was close to the now frigid air blowing in. I decided to slip under the covers to warm up as I picked the phone back up and rung my mother's number in Truro.

"Hello..."

"Hey Mum...it's me!" 

"I figured I'd be hearing from you..." she remarked to me and I grinned at her cheeky delivery.

"Yes...Clare called and told me you rang...tell me what's up..." I asked. 

"I have some news I think you'll find to your liking..." she announced. I was curious.

"Oh yeah?" I responded. "Well...come on then...out with it!..." I said back in that same cheeky manner. I wore a smile as she continued.

"I divorced your father..." she announced. My mouth dropped open in utter shock. Delighted shock.

"You did? When?" I practically gasped out the words. I was thrilled to hear this and it certainly improved my mood.

"It was final today...that's why I called...I filed earlier this year..." she explained.

"Why didn't you tell me when you filed?" I questioned. "I mean...I'm thrilled!... I'm just surprised you didn't say anything sooner..."

"In case it didn't work out...I wanted you to know only when it was final..." she answered. Even if I didn't fully understand her reason I didn't care. I was so happy she had finally severed ties with my father.

"Congratulations! I'm proud of you!" I told her and let go of any more questions. It didn't matter. It was finished. I was relieved.

"I knew you would be happy to hear this...and I hope you're happy to hear some other news I have..." she responded. I wondered what other surprises she had in store. Nothing could top this good news.

"Go on...." I encouraged.

"I met someone..." she revealed. I sat up straight in the bed and grinned broadly.

"You did?" I practically shouted. I was happy for her and immediately had a whole set of new questions. "Who is he?" I asked. 

"His name is Trevor Hitchens..." she began. "I met him at garden show at Caerhays Castle last Spring...I was there with my friend Roberta..." I knew her and Roberta did quite a bit together since they both lived alone. Roberta was a widow who lived down the street. I then realized she said she had met him in the Spring.

"You met him in the Spring?" I questioned. That was six months ago! 

"Yes...he moved here last year after he retired..." she informed me. "He's a retired policeman..." I was surprised to hear this and wondered how old he was. I then remembered my mother is 50. It wasn't unusual for policemen to retire in their 50's. It was a stressful job but had a decent pension.

"I look forward to meeting him..." I told her. I did. I wanted to size him up and make sure he was worthy of my mother. 

"I was hoping we could come for a visit when you get home..." she propositioned. It occurred to me this relationship sounded serious. 

"Okay...we leave day after tomorrow..." I replied.

"Wonderful..." I could hear the smile in her voice and smiled myself. It seemed like she was moving on with her life. I was happy about it and couldn't wait to tell Brian.

\-----------------------

20th October 1979

Surrey

Brian and I arrived home from Munich and seemed to have brought the rain with us. It was cold, wet and windy and I was glad to be home in our sanctuary. We unloaded our luggage and got cleaned up and enjoyed dinner with the kids and Clare. She filled us in on the house activities and the information she obtained about the local schools available for Tiger Lily. We had not enrolled her yet. She could actually wait to resume school because of her age so we were taking our time to find the right school for her.

Brian and I spent some time with the children before putting them to bed ourselves and then joined Clare in our bedroom to discuss the nanny situation. She had brought up some wine and glasses on a tray and we got settled in the sitting area to talk.

"I met the last candidate yesterday..." Clare told us as I poured the wine and handed her a glass. "She was great but I am sticking with the one I liked before I met her...I just have a good feeling about my choice...I hope you do as well..." 

"You've always had great judgement Clare...I'm sure you chose well..." Brian assured her. Clare smiled and grabbed a large envelope she had carried in with her. She opened it up and handed the document inside to me. It was the application for her choice and their C.V. 

"Her name is Mia and she's 21..." Clare announced. That seemed quite young and I wondered how much experience she actually had.

"21?" Brian asked before I did. Clare looked confident.

"I thought the same thing about her age but she has been a nanny since she was 17..." she explained. "She grew up in foster care and helped take care of other kids...so she's accustomed to it...probably second nature.." Clare observed. "And she's had some formal training...she knew she wanted to be a caregiver and had some courses..." she boasted. "Mia knows first aid and also completed some childhood development courses. Brian and I shared an impressed expression with each other.

"She sounds promising..." I commented with encouragement. "When can we meet her?" I asked next. Clare bounced on her seat and put her hands together as she looked at us both excitedly. 

"I was hoping for tomorrow.." she answered. I looked over at Brian and we both seemed agreeable. 

"Tomorrow afternoon?" I suggested. Clare smiled and nodded as she stood up.

"I'll call her right now...." she said. "Then I'm headed to bed...it's been a long day..." Clare told us as she yawned and left the room. Brian stood up and stretched.

"I'm looking forward to our bed...I didn't care for our hotel one..." Brian informed me as he walked over and sprawled himself across the mattress and sighed. I got up from my chair and walked over and crawled over to lay down next to him. 

"Tired?" I asked him. Brian made an exasperated sound and looked over at me.

"I'm just overwhelmed...there's so much going on in our lives right now..." he told me quietly. I reached up with my hand and stroked his cheek.

"Give me a list..." I told him and Brian looked a little confused.

"What?" he asked me.

"Give me a list...list out the things going on that make you feel overwhelmed..." I told him and pressed a kissed to his cheek. "You like lists...so make me a list...tell me what is making you feel overwhelmed..." Brian looked thoughtful for a moment then shrugged a little.

"Okay...uh...there's going to be a new nanny..." he started. I shuffled a little closer to him and kissed the tip of his nose. "And we're trying to get an album done...that involves being away from home..." Brian added. I kissed his mouth this time and he grinned a bit. 

"What else?" I said as I hovered over his face. 

"We need to find a school for Tiger Lily..." he remarked. I shifted my body and sat up so I could reach over and began unbuttoning his shirt. Brian looked down at my hands and grinned again. "What are you doing?" he asked me as I finished with his buttons and moved my hands down towards his belt. I stopped and looked him in the eye.

"You're stressed...so as you list all your worries I'm going to ease your suffering..." I teased and began sliding his belt end out of the buckle. 

"Um...there's trying to figure out the best farewell and thank you present for Clare..." he remarked as I pulled his belt from the loops of his trousers. "We've only bought one present and Christmas is two months away..." I smirked as I felt his list was getting a little stretched. 

"What else?" I asked again. 

"There's the tour looming..." he added and I smiled at him as I began unzipping his trousers. "Oh! Don't forget about your Mum!" Brian declared. I sighed at him and let go of his clothes.

"Don't bring my Mother up right now...you'll kill the mood..." I pointed out. Brian made an annoyed sound at me and grabbed my face. He looked right at me.

"You wanted a list...and us meeting your Mother's new boyfriend is on it..." he said firmly but then grinned and pulled me up towards his face so we could meet and share a kiss. I smiled at him as our lips parted and he pulled me down on top of him. I laughed a little as he proceeded to swat my bottom as I laid against him.

"Hey! What's that for?" I said and flailed a little to stop him. I didn't try too hard. I loved how lighthearted and playful he had become. Apparently my plan was working.

"You're on my list as well..." he said and proceeded to slide his hand into my trousers and under my briefs. He cupped my bum and I snickered at him.

"Oh yeah?" I replied with a naughty grin. "And what exactly have I done?" I questioned. 

"I worry about your bad driving and you smoke too much...and.." I cut him off by kissing him. He pulled his hands from my trousers and used them to roll us so I went underneath him. He straddled my legs. I put my hands up in protest when he went to remove my shirt.

"Sorry babe...my driving and smoking don't count..." I argued to him and Brian pulled back and sat on my legs.

"What do you mean?" he said with surprise. I smirked at him.

"You can only list things you have control over..." I pointed out to him in a snarky tone. Brian formed a massive grin and reached down and ripped my shirt open by popping the buttons.

"Oh yeah?" he said a little breathless. "Let's see who's in control right now!" he disputed and I laughed as he got off my legs and proceeded to force me out of my clothes. Brian started laughing too as I let him get me naked.

"Okay!" I shouted. "I give in...." I said to him in a quieter voice. Brian straddled me again and leaned forward and used both hands to cup my face. He gently stroked my cheeks with his thumbs and the tender look on his face made my heart full.

"I'm glad you surrendered..." Brian told me and leaned down and kissed me again.

\--------------------------------

21st October 1979

"There she is!" Clare announced at the train station platform. Mia came walking down the steps and Clare waved to her. She smiled and began walking our way. I immediately was struck by how much she resembled that female singer Kate Bush.

"Is it just me or does she look like.." I said and then Clare knew what I was going to say.

"Kate Bush.." we both said at the same time. She shrugged as Mia approached but then Clare got excited.

"Mia Haddon....this is my brother...Roger Taylor..." she announced as she introduced us. It was evident that Mia recognized me. She wore a surprised but delighted look.

"Hi! Uhhh...wow!" she replied and seemed nervous. We both smiled at her and I stuck my hand out to her.

"It's lovely to meet you Mia...you ready to come see our home?" I said to her in a friendly tone. She smiled and nodded but still looked a little nervous. We hadn't made her a formal offer yet. This was the final interview where we could met her and see if we agreed she was a good fit. She was also meeting the children as well.

"Yeah..."she answered and looked a little more confident. "I mean yes...let's go!" 

"The car is this way..." we walked down the path to the parking and I slid into my Range Rover. Clare got in front with me and Mia took a seat in the back. I pulled out and began the drive to our property.

"Do you drive Mia?" I asked her and Clare nodded to me that she did.

"Yes...my current employer arranged for my license..." she explained. "I've got a clean record...been driving for over a year..." she remarked. I smiled in the rear view mirror at her.

"That's great! There is a car you can use since we'd need you to take Tiger Lily to school or if you need to go into the village for anything..." I told her. She nodded as she listened and I glanced at her in my mirror. 

"And Mia can cook as well..." Clare boasted. "She's even had a proper course..." I was impressed.

"Good to know...the kids aren't picky eaters..." I commented. "But Brian is..." I added and Clare smiled at me. She turned around to look at Mia.

"Brian is the one who doesn't eat meat except for fish..." Clare informed her. Mia got a funny look and leaned towards Clare.

"So Brian would be Brian May then..." she stated and Clare nodded to her. 

"Sorry about the advert saying it was two businessmen..." Clare informed her as it became clear to Mia the caregiver's job was for two rock stars and not two businessmen often away on long business trips. I laughed a little as I watched Mia's reaction in the back seat. 

"We couldn't really advertise the position and say two rock stars in need of a nanny...we'd have got a thousand letters..." I told Mia and I saw her smile and lightly laugh.

"You're right! I think your entire fan club would have applied!" she joked back. I liked her so far. She was friendly and had taken the news of our identities in stride. She didn't go bananas over meeting me. It was a good start. I chatted to her about the property we live on as we drove to the house and soon I pulled up to the security gate. I pressed the button instead of the code so Brian would know we had arrived.

"Yes..." Brian said in the intercom.

"We're here..." I announced and I heard the mechanism on the door as it began to swing open. I soon pulled in to our property and started the drive to the main house. I pointed out the different buildings you could see from the road and then came up and parked in front of the house. "And this is the main house..." Mia had a look of wonder on her face as we got out of the car and she surveyed our home. We walked up to the front door and I opened it to let us in. The air was too cold today for Brian to greet us at the door with the children. As we came into the entry hall Brian came in carrying Jimi and Tiger Lily was at his side. Mia's face lit up as she saw them all. Her eyes seemed more focused on the children than Brian, which I found to be a relief.

"Mia...this is Brian..." I announced and Clare went over and took Jimi from Brian as he shook Mia's hand.

"Hi Mia...it's lovely to meet you..." Brian said. "I've got some lunch ready for us and we can all sit and eat and get to know each other..." Mia smiled at him and then looked at the children again.

"That would be nice..." Mia replied.

"This is Tiger Lily...." I said to her and gestured for my daughter to come over to me. "Come say hello..." I told her. Tigs looked at Mia and then over at me and walked my way. I took her hand for assurance and then we turned to Mia. Mia bent down and stuck her hand out.

"Hello Tiger Lily...it's nice to meet you..." she said. Mia moved her head in a cute friendly way and Tiger Lily smiled at her. She reached up with her tiny hand and shook Mia's own with it.

"Hi!" Tigs said to her in a quiet voice. 

"And this is Jimi..." Clare told Mia and walked over for an introduction. Jimi squirmed a little and appeared shy as Mia got close. "It's okay Jimi...she's a nice lady..." Clare told him. Tigs walked over and reached her hand up to pat Jimi's leg.

"Jim Jim..." Tigs said to him and used the nickname she had given him. "It's okay..." Tigs told him and I smiled at her imitation of Clare. 

"Hi Jimi...it's okay if you're shy...I can be shy sometimes myself.." Mia said in a soft voice to our son. Brian and I both looked happy to see her gentle touch. Jimi eased up on his shyness and gave her a small smile.

"He's my brother..." Tigs proceeded to tell Mia. 

"Is he now?" Mia said back to her in a curious voice. I could tell Tigs was ready to be the center of attention and seemed at ease with Mia. This was good. Tigs grabbed Mia's hand and began walking her towards the kitchen.

"I'm hungry!" Tigs announced and we all giggled a little as Tigs began to lead us to lunch.

"I'm hungry too..." Mia responded as she willingly let my daughter guide her way. Mia turned and grinned at us all. She was enjoying my daughter's friendly nature.

"My Daddy made lazzzonneee..." Tigs informed her and I smiled at her poor pronunciation of lasagna. Mia got a smirk on her face.

"Is your Daddy a good cook?" Mia asked her and Tigs stopped and smiled up at Brian as he came up to them. She pointed at Brian.

"My Daddy makes good lazzzonneee..." she said and smiled at Brian. Mia seemed confused when she saw Tigs point at Brian and then looked at me. 

"Uh...sorry...I thought you were her father..." she stated. I smiled and walked over to Mia.

"Did Clare tell you about the non-disclosure document our solicitor needs you to sign?" I questioned. Mia looked at Clare and then back at me and nodded.

"Yes...I actually brought my copy that I signed for you today..." she said and opened her bag and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. I took it from her and saw it was in fact the document Jim had drafted for our nanny to sign. It forbade her from speaking to anyone else about her work for us. It was a new type of document that was gaining popularity with famous people. Too many former employees were dishing to the press. Considering our unique circumstances it was ideal for us. I closed the letter and handed it to Brian.

"Right then....there are a few things you need to know before you may want to consider the job..." I began and we all walked into the kitchen as the smell of the lasagna in the oven filled our senses. 

"What kind of things?" Mia asked. Brian and Clare and I exchanged a knowing look between us as Jimi was placed in his high chair.

"Yes...well..."

to be continued


	114. Sail Away Sweet Sister - Part 3

21st October 1979

Surrey

Roger's POV

I had practiced this speech a few times and discussed it with Brian but in the actual moment I felt unprepared. It felt odd to sit and be so forthright with a stranger about our family situation. Our relationship. It was such a risky thing to do. She had signed the non-disclosure agreement so she was legally bound to not speak of any confidences we shared with her. Even if she didn't say anything about us, Mia could find our lifestyle unacceptable and leave and we would have to do this all over again with another applicant. I kept hope as I began to explain our biggest secret to her.

"Yes...well..." I hesitated and looked at Brian for reassurance. He seemed just an anxious as I feel. I swallowed and tried to ignore the growing knot in my stomach. "Our family situation is unique..." I began and looked Mia in the eye as I spoke. "Brian and I are bandmates...as you know..." I was having trouble finding my words and wondered if I was starting to sound like I was babbling. Mia was watching me intently as I started to feel like a fool. "Because of the nature of our work...we are gone a lot for touring and recording..." I knew I was skirting around the real information I needed to share with her but seemed too scared to just say it out loud.

Mia nodded as she listened so I knew she was hearing me. I turned to look at Brian for support as my courage began to fail me. Brian gestured to ask if he should take over.

"You want me to?" he mumbled and I quickly nodded. I was flustered and leaned back in the chair as my sister shot me a look of worry. Brian cleared his throat and finally spoke.

"So what Roger was trying to say is that..." now Brian halted his words and seemed hesitant as well. He glanced over at me as he ran his hand through his hair. We were both struggling. "What I mean is that...well...we are a family..." Brian's speech was as scattered as mine. "Even though the children have different biological parents...we are raising them like siblings..." I felt some relief that Brian found a gateway to the tougher subject matter by starting with the children.

"That's lovely..." Mia responded. "I grew up in foster care...it didn't matter who your parents were...families were different...but were still family..." she added. Her words made more sense than Brian and I were making and I was relieved she seemed to understand unconventional ideas of family. Brian's face lit up.

"Exactly!" Brian concurred as he smiled at Mia. His unease relaxed and so did mine. "Roger and I are best friends and since we work together and are both parents who need care for our children...we find it easier to just share a home..." Brian was edging closer to the actual details we needed to divulge so I felt a little anxiety return as he kept talking. But then he seemed to falter again and looked at me with dismay. We both were unable to just spit it out.

"What they are trying to say..." Clare finally interjected with some confidence but Mia raised her hand in the air.

"I don't mean to interrupt but I get the feeling you are trying to say something you are finding difficult to tell me..." Mia said and looked at us all. "I think I can hazard a guess as to what it is..." Brian, Clare and myself all sat silent and I nodded for her to continue.

"Go ahead..." was all I managed to get out. Mia smiled warmly at us.

"Are you trying to tell me your gay? Is that it?" I exhaled deeply and felt relief that it was on the table. I looked at Brian and Clare and they seemed relieved as well.

"Well...yes...actually!" Brian suddenly verbalized for us all. He laughed nervously and I realized now we needed to know how she felt about it.

"I guess we need to know if that is a problem for you..." I said directly to Mia. We all kept our eyes on her and looked for any hint of discomfort. Mia smiled warmly at us and shook her head.

"No. Not a problem..." she said confidently. A massive grin formed on my face and I found one on Brian's as well. Clare beamed at us and then turned to Mia.

"That's great news Mia!" Clare told her. "I had a feeling when we talked that you would be okay with it..." Mia nodded as she leaned towards us.

"I have to admit...I've never met a gay couple before..." she announced. "I knew a boy in foster care who liked other boys...but I just thought I should tell you...just so you know..."

"Can I ask you something?" I said to her.

"Of course!" Mia replied. I was curious about something.

"Can I ask how you knew? That we are gay?"

"To be honest I am a fan of your group..." Mia answered. "I am pretty sure Freddie is gay...am I right?" she inquired. I glanced quickly at Brian and then back at Mia.

"Yes...though I presume most fans have figured that one out..." I replied. Mia looked doubtful.

"I wouldn't be too sure about that!" she said and I was surprised to hear this. Apparently so was Brian by the expression on his face. "He has quite a large number of female fans who want to believe he is available...you know?" she said with some aplomb. Clare laughed lightly. I recalled that Clare had formed a massive crush on Freddie when she first met him. I understood.

"Well that is Freddie...what about us? How did you guess?" I was extremely curious by now. Mia seemed pretty astute.

"First off...I'm not a devotee of the tabloids!" Mia insisted and I knew where this might be headed. "I've seen those articles that implied you might be together or have an unusual relationship..." she said delicately. "I didn't believe everything I read but I am a regular reader of the music magazines...so I read about you a lot and seen loads of pictures..." she explained. "I kind of wondered when I saw some photographs of you all together...there is just something about the two of you...a closeness..." she remarked. I was struck by this and wondered if others saw it as well. "I thought maybe there was something there and with the articles and all..." she added and then looked over at me. "I wasn't really sure but when I saw you at the train platform today and remembered Clare's last name was Taylor...I guess it re-entered my mind..."

"I hope your the only one who's astute enough to see it..." I told her. "Maybe we should be more careful in our photographs..." I commented to Brian. He shrugged.

"I've noticed you both tend to stand next to each other in most pictures I've seen..." Mia said and I found it interesting. I guess I'd never considered this. Brian looked taken by her remark as well. "And when I saw you earlier with the children...well...it all came together..."

"Good to know..." I said and Mia grinned at me.

"Can I say something?" Mia said in a cautious tone. I nodded to her and so did Brian. "I have to tell you I'm a bit relieved I was right..." she revealed. Brian and I shared a questionable look between us.

"Why is that?" Brian asked her. She seemed a little nervous but looked us both in the eyes.

"I was a little hesitant about the position being with two single men..." she confessed. "You never know these days...there are some dodgy people in the world..." Boy did I know what she meant by that! I am glad she didn't consider us dodgy by being gay.

"I can assure you they are both gentleman!" Clare interceded and her and Mia smiled at each other. Brian and I smiled also.

"I'm glad! The first couple I ever worked for...the husband propositioned me...that's why I left that job..." she explained to us. I felt bad she had that experience with someone she should have been able to trust.

"Can I ask why you're leaving your current employer?" Brian asked her.

"Sure...the husband is taking a position abroad and I'm not interested in moving to Hong Kong...so I started looking elsewhere..." Her explanation was perfectly reasonable. Brian stood up at the table.

"Rog and I are going to get lunch..." he said. I took it that he wanted a word with me so I got up and walked to the oven with him. He had left the lasagna warming inside and pulled it out as we got close to each other.

"So...are we in agreement here?" Brian said quietly to me. We were. She seems a great candidate for the job. The worst of it was over. She knew and didn't have an issue with our relationship.

"Yes..." I told him. We shared a satisfied smile as we put the food on plates and carried it back to the table.

"Let's eat and talk some more..." I suggested.

We enjoyed Brian's homemade lasagna as we learned more about Mia's background and history as a nanny. She had a passport and a driver's license and had cared for children ranging in age from newborn to 10 years. We watched her actively engage with the children during lunch and seemed at ease with them both. Tiger Lily likes most people and even shy Jimi warmed up to her. She asked us some questions about work and touring life and never pried into our relationship. I liked her personality and she was a good mix of being professional but down to earth and friendly. My sister had chosen well.

After we ate Brian and I gave her a brief tour of the house and grounds and then showed her the adjoining cottage she would live in. It was plenty of room for one person. We explained we did have a cleaning staff but they did not live on the grounds and came in twice a week. I started explaining what things would be like when she cared for the children while we tour or are away recording. Mia listened and appeared to grasp it all. She asked some thoughtful questions and I was impressed with the maturity she had for her age.

After the house tour and discussion Brian asked her to accompany us to his study. This was the signal we were all on board and would offer her the position. Jim Beach's office had already verified her references so we knew she checked out. I had a good feeling as we took a seat at the table in Brian's study. Clare remained with the children in the living room.

"Mia...we would like to offer you the position..." Brian informed her. She smiled widely at us both.

"I'd be happy to accept...though I do have one condition..." she replied.

"Alright...what is it?" Brian said.

"I know you've offered that lovely cottage to me...but I was wondering if it was alright if I just lived in the main house?" she asked. "I noticed Clare doesn't live in the cottage and while anyone would be grateful for it...I'm not used to being on my own like that..." she explained to us. "Plus...I'd be in the house so much with the children when you're away...it just seems easier to take a room nearby..." It was a reasonable request and she made a lot of sense. We had just assumed someone would want their own place for privacy and it was a way to attract the right applicants.

"That shouldn't be a problem..." I answered and Brian and I shared an agreeable expression.

"If you decide in the future you want to move into the cottage...just let us know..." I offered. Mia grinned.

"Then I am happy to accept!" she announced. I was delighted this worked out and Brian opened a folder on the table.

"This is an agreement our solicitor drew up..." Brian explained as he handed her the document. "You are welcome to take it and read it and have your own counsel review it..." he offered. Mia took the paper and we remained quiet as she read it over. A few minutes later she looked up at us with a confident look.

"It's pretty much the same as the one I signed with my current employer..." she remarked. "I can sign it now if you'd like..." she offered.

"That's not necessary...you can keep that copy and we will all sign one together at our management office..." Brian instructed. "When can you start?" he asked next.

"Actually...my replacement was already hired and I've been training her for a few weeks...they've just let me stay on until they leave the country or I find another position..." Mia detailed out for us. "I can start whenever you like..." This was great news.

"How about the 29th...Friday morning?" It will give you a chance to say goodbye and we can arrange to collect you..." I suggested. "We can stop at our manager's office on our way back here so we can sign the papers..."

"That sounds wonderful!" Mia replied. We were all smiles as we finished our business in the study and we waited while Mia said say goodbye to Clare and the children. Brian and I both drove her to the train station so she could head back to London. We saw her off and went to drive home.

"That couldn't have gone any better..." I said to Brian in the car.

"Clare made a good call with her..." Brian commented and shifted my way in the car. "You Taylors are a clever bunch..." he remarked and leaned over and kissed my cheek. Brian was clearly happy about how things turned out today.

"Yeah...let's hope my mother chose better with her boyfriend than she did with her husband..." I told him and Brian rubbed my thigh.

"I'm sure your father had something redeeming about him when they met or she wouldn't have married him..." Brian argued. I sighed at the thought of my retched Father.

"Perhaps..." I mumbled and was curious how this next meeting in our lives would pan out. Brian was right. There is a lot going on in our lives and now I started worrying about meeting my mother's new friend.

\-------------------------

27th October 1979

It was like deja vu. Clare and I were back at the train platform but this time we were both waiting on our mother and her new boyfriend. Well - I guess he wasn't new since she had started seeing him six months ago. The train was on time and soon the passengers were coming down the walkway. I spotted my mother in a new crepe coat and next to her was a nice enough looking man. He was clearly older than her but didn't really look old. Mature and middle aged. He seemed in good shape and was a little under my height and had salt and pepper hair. He looked well groomed and wore a grey coat. We walked their way so I could get my mother's suitcase.

"Mum!" I shouted and waved as I approached. Her face lit up with a broad smile when she saw me. She turned to see Clare.

"There are my babies!" she boasted as I came up and she pulled me into a tight hug. She released me and kissed my cheek. "I have to say Roger dear...your hair looks much better this way..." she informed me as she inspected my haircut. She had not seen me in person since I had cut it really short and she stopped to admire it. "Clare dear...give me a kiss..." my mother demanded and Clare leaned in for a hug and kiss once my mother let me go. Our attention turned to her suitor. "Trevor...I'd like you to meet my son...this is Roger....and this is my daughter...Clare..." We all shook hands and exchanged smiles.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Hitchens..." I said and the man raised his hand up.

"The pleasure is all mine...but please call me Trevor...I hope I can call you Roger..." he answered. He was polite but warm.

"Sure..." I replied and gestured down the walkway. "Welcome to Surrey!" I took my mother's case and we walked to the car and started the drive home. I had deja vu again showing them both the sites on the drive to the house. My mother had not been to our new place so she was excited to see everything. I came up to the gate and reached out my window and pressed in the code. My mother was impressed as we entered the property and I drove slowly as I pointed out all the features. I noticed Trevor remained silent on the trip. We reached the house and headed inside. Before I could even get my mother's coat Tiger Lily and Jimi came bounding into the hallway and were excited to see their grandmother.

"Gran Gran!" Tigs shouted as she ran up to her for a hug. My mother pulled her close and kissed her.

"How is my Tiger doing?" my mother asked her as they looked each other over and Jimi got up to her and received a hug and kiss as well. "You've grown again Jimi! Look at you!" my mother cooed. Brian appeared and was all smiles.

"Winnie! Welcome to our new home!" he told her as they hugged and kissed. I suddenly realized my mother had never said if she told Trevor about us. About Brian and myself. I felt a rise of panic in me as I watched them engage with each other.

"Thank you dear..." my mother replied to Brian. She then gestured at Trevor and smiled. "Brian..I'd like you to meet Trevor Hitchens..." she said and then turned to Trevor. "Trevor...this is my son in law...Brian May..." Brian and I both had raised eyebrows hearing this but I saw Trevor smile and reach his hand out to Brian.

"Nice to meet you Brian...Winnie has wonderful things to say about you..." Trevor remarked and then he looked over at me. "Both of you..." he added. My mother beamed proudly at us and I let go of the anxiety I felt as I realized she had spared us having to tell him and he apparently had no issue with us. It was a relief.

"I hope she spared a good word about me!" Clare chimed in cheekily and we all laughed at her comment.

"Your mother thinks the world of you!" Trevor assured her. "Now...I believe you must be Tiger Lily..." Trevor said as he looked over at my daughter. She nodded her head and smiled at him.

"Can you say hello?" I asked her. She walked over to Trevor and reached out her hand.

"Hello..." she told him. We had been working on her manners and she was doing well. They shook hands and Jimi immediately clung to Brian's legs as attention turned to him.

"Jimi...this is Trevor...can you say hello?" Brian asked him. Jimi shyly turned his face into Brian's legs. We all looked enamored at his bashfulness.

"That's alright...we can get to know each other later..." Trevor remarked kindly towards Jimi. So far he seemed quite amenable and I hoped my first impression of this man was right.

We all went into the living room and took a seat to visit and get acquainted. We had tea and an enjoyable afternoon. Trevor talked about his time in the police force and he had been a patrolman in London and later was a detective. It was fascinating to hear one of his first investigations as an officer was assisting with the Ruth Ellis case in 1955. She was famous for murdering her husband and was the last woman hanged in Britain. Brian and I both remembered hearing about this as children. He had retired two years ago and was ready for a change of scenery and moved to Truro. He had always been fond of Cornwall. He wasn't overly familiar with the current music scene but remembered the police dealing with the problems of Beatlemania when it swept over Britain in the early 60's.

The kids grew bored of us talking so we all got our coats and took a walk around the grounds to show my mother and Trevor. We told them about the plans for converting the barn to a music studio and building an indoor pool. It got close to dinner so we went back inside and I ran into the village to pick up some pizzas. We ate dinner at the large table in the kitchen and the kids were watching a movie afterwards.

"Would you like a drink?" I asked Trevor. He nodded and we got up along with Brian and went to the study to have some whisky and a more private talk.

"I want you to know that I have no issue with your relationship..." Trevor told us right of the mark as I poured him a drink. "I just thought it should be said..." He was a direct person and I am sure that stemmed from being a policeman.

"Good to know..." I replied as I took a seat and had a sip of our finest whisky. Brian and I exchanged an intriguing glance as he had a drink of his own.

"Can I ask you a question?" Brian said and Trevor nodded. "When you were on the force...did you ever have to arrest anyone for homosexuality?" I was surprised at Brian's question but I guess Trevor had put the topic on the table. I was keen to hear his answer.

"Not me personally...but I certainly witnessed too many men who were prosecuted unjustly and received barbaric sentences..."

"I've read about what was done to them...it was barbaric..." I commented. Trevor nodded agreement as he took a drink of his whisky.

"I never understood the law to be honest...it's nobody's business what goes on between consenting adults in the privacy of their home..." Trevor reflected. "I was happy to see it abolished...though I know that didn't erase people's feelings..."

"Isn't that the truth?" Brian remarked. "We've had a few run ins with less than respectful people over the years..." Trevor seemed curious.

"Years?" he questioned. "Can I ask how long you've been together?" Brian and I grinned at each other. I felt proud.

"It's almost ten years...." I bragged. Trevor looked impressed.

"That's longer than my first marriage..." he commented. I didn't know he had been married before and it was obvious he felt the need to explain. "I was married once before...in my twenties...she was a good woman but my career was a marriage killer..."

"I imagine its tough with that type of work..." I said and he nodded.

"Of course...it seems like marriages in the entertainment field generally have a short shelf life as well..." I smiled at his observation.

"You're right....but I guess Brian and I have managed to weather some of the storms that bring down most relationships in our world..." Trevor raised his glass to us.

"To smooth sailing then!" Trevor proposed to us. We shared a smile between us all.

"Cheers!"

\----------------------------

The visit with my mother and Trevor was pleasant and he was friendly and a good conversationalist. We quickly felt at ease with him and he seemed to treat my mother with respect and great affection. It was a nice change to see her happy and making plans. I did wonder if there was the possibility of marriage in their future. I guess time would tell. For now, knowing my mother was free of my father and living for herself was the best possible Christmas present she ever gave us.

We filled my mother in regarding our new nanny and talked about Clare's plans for her next steps in life. She had started looking into finding a job. The prospects were somewhat better than the last time she worked in the secretarial field. I wasn't too worried as she had saved most of the money we paid her over the years. We covered her expenses for the most part so putting her salary back was easy enough. She was trying to decide if she wanted to return to Truro or move back to London proper. All I knew was that her time with us was winding down quickly. It would be a hard goodbye no matter her choice.

We saw my mother and Trevor off at the station after making plans for them to come at Christmas time for another visit. When we got home we began preparations for Mia to come live with us and to prepare for our tour.

The few days we had before Mia arrives flew by in a flurry of work meetings and arrangements at home. Friday got here and Brian and I took off for London to collect Mia. Her current residence was in Mayfair. We arrived at the posh house and packed her belongings in the back of my Rover. A stop was made at our management office so we could all sign the employment agreement with Jim Beach. While in the office we had her photo taken so she could be issued an ID for any future Queen events she might attend. We also got her a selection of Queen t-shirts.

An hour later we pulled up to the house and Brian and I helped her with the luggage and boxes of personal effects. Clare had moved out of her bedroom and was giving it to Mia since it was the largest one except for our private quarters. The children had been told about Mia coming to live with us and lingered with curiosity as she got settled in and unpacked. We planned for them to get to know her before we explained that Clare was leaving and Mia would be caring for them.

I had carried the last box of books from the car up to Mia's room when the buzzer sounded on the front gate. I checked and saw the mail had been delivered so I drove down to get it. I sorted the mail when I got back to the house and found a letter from the school we were interested in for Tiger Lily. I quickly opened it and was thrilled to find they would accept her. A space was not available under after the first of the year. With that in mind I carried the letter with me upstairs.

"Hey Brian!" I said and waved the letter at him. He took it from me and read it. He smiled at the good news.

"Well that is settled at least...though she can't start until next year..." he remarked. 

"Hey..." I said as an idea occurred to me. "What do you think about just taking them on the road with us?" I suggested. Since Tiger Lily wouldn't start school soon and we would be going back to Munich in the New Year, it felt like a good idea to spend time getting to know Mia and seeing the kids and Clare. Brian smiled at me. 

"Sounds good to me..." he replied. "Go check with Clare and Mia and I'll make a call to arrange for it..." I went to Mia's room and knocked on the open door. She looked up from putting away her clothes in a dresser.

"Yes?" she asked me politely. 

"I know you just arrived...but are you ready for an adventure?" I asked with a look of excitement on my face. Mia smiled widely at me.

"What kind of adventure?"


	115. Sail Away Sweet Sister - Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have provided a link to a video that is pertinent to this chapter. You might want to watch it before reading. This from the exact time period I am writing about below. Enjoy this time capsule. Watch it for some cheeky Deacy if nothing else! This is when he truly became more comfortable with doing interviews and it always seemed like having Roger at his side made him a little braver and brassy.
> 
> https://youtu.be/ayOeHM6CBl8

23rd November 1979

Birmingham England

Brian's POV

"Can I go? Can I go?" Tiger Lily asked me as she jumped up and down in place and looked up at me. I glanced at Roger for guidance as I couldn't go with them because of some interviews. He shrugged and then looked over at Clare and Mia. 

"Do you want to go?" Roger asked them both. Clare seemed indifferent but Mia really looked excited at the notion. 

"I'm happy to accompany her..." Mia remarked. Jimi walked over and tugged on the bottom of Mia's dress.

"Mimi! I go too..." Jimi insisted. We all grinned at the new nickname Jimi had bestowed Mia with. From her first day with us he began calling her Mimi and it has stuck. Even Tiger Lily began calling her this as well.

"Rog...we can both go..." Clare chimed in. I was happy to see they were both willing to do it. It would be easier with managing both the children. Tiger Lily's face lit up as she dashed over to Roger and climbed into his lap.

"Can I go?" she begged and Roger quickly caved in. His daughter's puppy eyes were more effective than his own. He sighed and pulled her in for a kiss.

"Alright!" he said in surrender and looked over at Clare and Mia. "You're sure you don't mind sitting with them in the audience?" he asked. They both looked agreeable. 

"It will be fun!" Clare informed him. "Besides...it may be the last time I get to do something like this with the kids..." she told us. I felt a little pang of sadness at the reminder her days with us are soon drawing to a close. I watched as Mia picked up Jimi and held him confidently as Clare smiled at their fast forming friendship. Both of the kids really warmed to Mia quickly and her new role as nanny was falling into place. Clare reached over and ruffled Jimi's hair and wore a huge smile as Tigs climbed out of Roger's lap and bounded over to her. Clare picked her up and snuggled her close.

"Thank you Bear..." Tigs told her sweetly. She was doing so well with her manners and I was proud as she thanked her current nanny; who would soon be just her Aunt. 

"I guess I need to call and have them arrange for some seats..." Roger remarked. I smiled and nodded to him as he got up and walked to the telephone. He called Paul to make the arrangements and we got ready to head down to the hotel dining room for dinner. 

\---------------------------

24th November 1979

ITV Television Studio

Birmingham

Mia's POV

"Remember...if anyone asks you about the band or Brian or Roger...just say 'no comment' or 'I'm not at liberty to discuss anything'..." Clare reminded me as we waited for Roger in the limousine. The children were all dressed up and bundled in their coats, hats and mittens. I sat on one end of the large seat in the car and the children were between me and Clare. The car door opened and Roger and John slid onto the seat across from us. The chilly outside air infiltrated the back seat as Roger quickly closed the door. The car pulled out right away and headed for the studio.

"Brrr...." Roger commented and his breath was visible from the frigid air.

"Hi ladies!" John said to Clare and I as he got comfortable on the car seat. Roger wrapped his coat around himself to fight off the chill from outside. 

"Hey Deacy!" Clare responded. I still wasn't use to his nickname and smiled at him. He was so cute and even better looking in person. He has such warm eyes and a sweet demeanor. 

"Rog told me you were going to the show..." he said to us all. "Do you know what Tis Was stands for?" he asked me directly. I shook my head and felt a little flutter inside from his attention. I still hadn't quite adjusted to working for famous people. I did not know what the show name stood for.

"No..." I replied. John grinned at me.

"Today is Saturday..." he announced. "Watch and smile!" His own smile was contagious and I grinned back at him as Tigs began to giggle. 

"You're silly Deacy!" Tigs told him.

"It takes a silly person to know one..." Roger said to his daughter. I laughed out loud when Tiger Lily stuck her tongue out at Roger. It was even funnier when Roger stuck his own tongue out in response. Clare leaned my way.

"You'll have to excuse them both....the craziness is inherited..." Clare said in a snarky tone. 

"Speak for yourself!" Roger retorted and Clare kicked Roger in the shin. "Hey!" he shouted at her and the kids giggled at their horseplay. 

"Stop it you two...or I'll tell Brian!" John suddenly declared to them. They both quickly calmed down but then I watched as Roger flipped his sister off. John saw it and shot him an annoyed look. "Watch it! Brian might spank you for bad behavior!" John informed him and I saw a devilish grin appear on Roger's face. He raised an eyebrow at his bandmate.

"Promises...promises..." Roger remarked with a hint of innuendo. My draw dropped at his implication and Roger noticed and immediately appeared remorseful. "Sorry Mia..." he said but I shook my head at him.

"Whatever get's you through the night!" I replied and winked at him. 

\-------------------------------

The usherette seated Clare, Tiger Lily, Jimi and myself towards the side of the stage and we waited for the show to start. We were surrounded by other children and their parents, mostly mothers. Roger had explained that he knew the show hostess from a different program she was on a few years back. He had appeared on her Saturday Scene show several times to promote Queen. I saw how warm and friendly Sally and Roger were with each other when we met her in the dressing room. 

Now the show began and was being broadcast live. The show presenter had quite a few children sitting on the stage behind her and it was lighthearted children's fare for the most part. Clare was holding Jimi in her lap to make sure he remained seated and quiet. Tiger Lily was transfixed with watching everything going on around her. Soon enough they took a quick break and Roger and John came out to sit next to Sally. There was some excited chatter from the mothers and some of the older children who recognized them. Tiger Lily waved to her Papa and her Uncle John. They both quickly waved back and some of the mothers nearby looked at us. It didn't appear they made the connection we are with them. Jimi got restless in Clare's lap at Roger's appearance but she kept him under control.

Sally turned towards the camera and began speaking so I realized they were live on tv again. They began talking about the tour and their current single. It was thrilling to know my new employers had the #2 single in the charts right now. 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' was so catchy and fun to hear and sing. I was happy for their success with the song. It was interesting to hear them talk so much about work. John and Roger both were animated and positive about the band and spoke about finishing their new album. I had not seen them in a recording studio yet and wondered if I would get the chance. Tonight would be the first time I get to see them in concert and was looking forward to it. Clare had told me how much I will love it. So far I loved everything about my new position. The children were happy and well behaved. Clare had done a brilliant job with them. I knew they would be easy to care for. Getting to live in that grand house and the surrounding property was like a dream. I had never had so much space in my life. Even though they offered me that cottage I wanted to be near the children. It was easier for them and me and I had no idea what I would do with myself if I lived all alone in that huge place.

It was a little different getting accustomed to Brian and Roger. I had never known a gay couple and wasn't quite sure what to expect. Of course I had images of all the horrid things that society told you they were about. The stereotypes and so much focus on sex. But what I had seen so far only told me they weren't much different from the married couples I had worked for or known. They were busy with work and spending time with the children. It was evident they love their children very much. Both were so openly affectionate and engaged with them. I felt they were better fathers than my previous employers ever were. I didn't recall ever seeing the two other father's I worked for change a nappy. Brian and Roger did it without a second thought. I really wasn't seeing either of them being a typical rock star like you see on television or in the magazines either. Sure, they had loads of money and the big house and Roger did have a sports car. But there weren't the parties and drugs and groupies that you heard so much about. I guess I would see what this tour holds though. The first show had been in Dublin and we left for Birmingham the next morning. Today they were doing some promotion work for the single and the tour and had their concert tonight.

There had been quite a few girls who had approached the band when we came in to the hotel lobby yesterday. Some were clearly just fans who wanted an autograph or a photograph with them. Each of the band members were gracious and signed album covers and posed for pictures. Only one or two of the girls openly came onto them and Roger was courteous but kept his distance as one of them tried to make it clear she would gladly go upstairs with him. I found her quite rude since Roger's children were present when she did this. Luckily one of their security people came over and escorted her away before Roger had to get firm with her. The children didn't know what she was talking about it but I could see it made Roger a little uncomfortable. It was forgotten as we went up to our suite and got settled for the night.

Clare and I have talked about handling their public situation at length. Several nights since I moved in we have stayed up and enjoyed a glass of wine and some candid conversation about how they have to present themselves to the public and who they really are in private. We shared some laughs as she recalled first finding out about them and her first visit to their shared flat when the band was still unknown and both had other jobs as well as performing with what was then Smile. Clare regaled me with the awkwardness of Brian and Roger trying to be themselves around her and yet being self conscious about their affection toward each other. She said it never bothered her as it was so clear they were in love and she is happy they are still together. Clare didn't go into a lot of detail but told me they have had their share of challenges as a couple. She admired their working through tough times and staying together. Clare said that I would probably never see anything more than an occasional kiss between them and they often held hands and were affectionate but anything more was kept behind closed doors. I have to admit the first time I saw them kiss I could tell they felt self conscious right after they did it. They both looked at me with trepidation but I only gave them a warm smile in response. After that they relaxed a little. I guess the remarks made in the car by Roger earlier showed he was still a bit self conscious. 

I was brought back to the place we were at right now as Tiger Lily got excited about something and I noticed a man holding some long sticks was approaching the large table Roger and John were seated at with Sally. The three were engrossed in conversation as the man got up to the side and slung what appeared to be bundles of fur on the bottom of the sticks right up in their faces. Everyone jumped at the surprise and the children were delighted at the playful interruption. I guess they were supposed to be small dogs or weasels or something. It was a bit frantic.

I laughed at the expression on Roger's face when he was ambushed by the playful puppets. Sally and her guests quickly resumed their conversation about a contest for a few viewers to win some Queen prizes and then they introduced the video clip for their new single. As the video played Roger and John left the stage. A production staff member came over and tapped Clare on the shoulder and we got up and were escorted from the audience as some of the mothers watched us leave. I saw a few whisper and wondered if they had figured out who we were. It was forgotten as we were met in the hallway by Roger and John.

"What did you think?" Roger asked Tiger Lily as she bounced up and down at seeing him. 

"Papa! You're a star!" Tigs told him and Roger beamed as he swooped her up in his arms with a giggle. Deacy crossed his arms as he looked at Tiger Lily.

"What about me?" John asked her in a phony whine. She leaned over from Roger's arms and Deacy leaned in towards her as Tiger Lily planted a big kiss on his cheek. He blushed a little at her affection and we all made a cooing sound. "Thanks Tiger!" John told her sweetly as Roger set her down to put his coat on. All of us headed out to the limo and took off back to the hotel.

\----------------------------

I had my new Queen t-shirt on along with a special ID around my neck as we lingered backstage at the Exhibition Centre in Birmingham. I sat in a chair and observed all the comings and goings from the people that surrounded the group. It was eye opening to see what took place behind the scenes of a show. Roger got a rub down of his back and shoulders from one of their crew. Freddie was avoiding talking to save his voice for the show. Deacy was sorting through his stage wear to decide on tonight's outfit and Brian was talking to a reporter for an interview. I sipped the soda handed to me by one of the band assistants. I'd already had a plate of finger foods from a large table in the corner. Brian nibbled on some grapes as he spoke about the album they are in the middle of working on. Freddie was handed a large cup of something from Phoebe and he thanked him as he began to focus on warming up his throat for tonight. I saw Paul, their main handler, walk quite a few extra people from the room as the others began to prepare for the show. Roger had finished his massage and came over wearing a robe.

"You enjoying it so far?" he asked me as I took the last sip of my bottle of Coca Cola. 

"I am..." I replied. Roger gestured to the guy called John Harris and he walked over to us.

"John's going to escort you to your seat..." Roger informed me. "I wish you had someone you could sit with..." he mentioned. I shook my head.

"I'll be fine! Just as long as I can get back here when it's finished..." I replied. John Harris gave me a confident look.

"I'll collect you...don't worry..." he assured me. I smiled and waved to the others as John and I walked out of the dressing room and down the long corridor. We were soon inside the auditorium and he looked at the ticket in his hand as we began moving down a long row of seats.

"You're over here..." John Harris told me as he pointed to a seat in the middle of the 5th row. It was a grand view of the stage and I was pleased to have this spot. 

"This is perfect!" I replied as I folded down the seat and sat. He smiled as he stood by me and folded his arms. The doors had not been opened yet for the attendees so I was the first seated. It felt odd to be in this giant space without others inside and I could see the finishing touches being done on the stage.

"You like working for them so far?" John Harris asked me. I smiled and nodded.

"Yes...it's different from my previous job but in good ways..." I replied. "They are both so nice and the kids are brilliant!" I explained. John Harris looked pleased to see me happy.

"They are good people...those two...well all of them really..." he said with a touch of emotion. I found it lovely that he would show his affection for the band. "I had some personal problems a few years ago and they had my back...took care of me and made sure I stayed on with the crew..." he revealed. It was heartening to know their loyalty to their employees and in turn that their employees felt the same.

"I've found that so far...I hope I can do a good job with the children..." Harris beamed at my mention of the kids.

"They have the cutest damned kids...don't they?" he said with amusement. I smiled broadly. The children are quite adorable. 

"They are lovely..." I agreed. John looked a little awkward at how much he revealed of himself and his feelings for the band. I found it reassuring that I had good judgement accepting the position. 

"Well...enjoy the show...I'll be back at the encore..." he reminded me. I nodded understanding as he shuffled away and the back doors to the auditorium opened up to the sounds of excited fans. I sat and watched all the people fill up the rows around me and couldn't help but enjoy the chatter about the band. There were a lot of comments about hopes that they would perform their favorite number and prior concert goers who bragged to others about seeing them before. Some of the boys were discussing their own efforts with their instruments at home and dreams of stardom and glory. I was lucky to have a group of girls sitting next to me. Four of them were together and they were so interesting to hear. There was Pauline, Emma, Trudy and Barbara. And each one was crazy about one of the members of the band. I sat and tried not to be too obvious as each one extoled the virtues of their preferred member.

"It's a shame my Johnny is married..." Emma whined to her friends. "Cause I would make him the perfect wife you know..." The others rolled their eyes at her.

"I think he must be pretty happy with his Veronica...they have 3 bloody kids!" Pauline snorted at her friend. "At least I know my Freddie is single..." she pointed out to the others.

"So is Brian!" Barbara chimed in. Trudy elbowed her as she made a scoffing sound.

"You know good and well Brian is living with Roger's sister...get over it!" Trudy announced. "I am certain Roger is not taken...I haven't seen a picture of him with a real girlfriend in ages..." she dreamed. They all formed a far off look not steeped in reality. Apparently they were fantasizing about their beloved Queen member. 

"Who's your favorite?" the girl called Emma suddenly asked me. I hoped they weren't aware I had listened to their entire conversation. I didn't actually have a favorite. I liked them all and never really thought about them in the same way these girls did. Not sexually at least.

"Oh...probably John..." I answered. I considered how much I enjoyed his personality and found him cute in a puppy sort of way. Emma beamed at me and reached over and put her arm around me.

"Unlike them...I can share my favorite..." she said and I laughed at her mild put down of her friends. 

"Is that a backstage pass?" Pauline suddenly asked as she pointed to the plastic badge I wore around my neck. I had forgotten about this and tried to think fast. I didn't need this group of girls finding out I actually knew the band and worked for two of them. 

"My Uncle works for the venue..." I lied. They all seemed to buy it but were eyeing my ID badge with envy. 

"Do you get to go back and meet them after the show?" Trudy inquired. I smiled at her and caressed the badge proudly.

"I hope so! That is what my Uncle promised me!" I falsely boasted. 

"You couldn't take any friends with you back there...could you?" Pauline then asked. I gave her a sad expression.

"Sorry...my Uncle barely got permission for me to go back..." I said with a high degree of disappointment. They all gave me understanding reactions. 

"Well...I hope you get to meet them...especially John!" Emma replied. I smiled gratefully.

"Me too!" I answered. The girls were distracted by some activity on the stage so I took my chance to disengage from them. I realized the arena was full and soon the lights were lowered and the entire audience began screaming and shouting for Queen. I got pulled into the excitement and when the music started playing my heart did start beating faster. When the band appeared and Freddie began singing a fast paced version of 'We Will Rock You' I was pretty certain he was right! They would rock us tonight!

It was definitely the most amazing concert I had ever seen. Of course I could only count the shows I had seen on one hand but I was impressed. So many of my favorites were played and their musicianship was un-matched by other groups I had seen live. I understood even more why they have such a loyal following with their fans. I was a fan but now appreciated them at a whole new level. I often looked over to see the girls in complete adoration of their idols and was happy for them. Even though they would never actually get to befriend or marry one of them, this moment meant something. 

The final song in the main set was played and the guys disappeared from the stage as they prepared for the encore. 

"That's it! I going to make a run for it!" Trudy told her friends over the din of the cheering crowd. "I'm getting backstage and Roger will fall in love with me!" she declared. I wanted to laugh at the thought of her somehow managing to invade the backstage area and finding Roger. She would confess her love for him and he would have to break it to her that his heart belonged to the guitarist. Boy! They would pass out if they only knew!

"Mia!" I heard my name being called and looked down the row to find John Harris gesturing for me to make my way down. I started heading off and heard the girls yell after me.

"Give John a kiss for me!" Emma shouted. I turned and waved to them as I shuffled past the others on the row and met John in the aisle. He took my arm and we headed to the safety of the back of the venue. He asked me the usual questions when it was quiet enough and I told him how impressed I was. He revealed he had worked for the band since the early days and only found them improving with each year. He truly felt they were the best live act around. I was soon secured in the dressing room and waited for the show to end.

I was enjoying a glass of wine as the hallway outside filled with loud voices and commotion. The doors burst open and everyone spilled in full of frantic energy and smelling of success and sweat. The band members were wrapped in thick robes and had towels around their necks. They were surrounded by their entourage of crew and assistants. Brian spotted me on the sofa and grinned at me as he ran the towel over his mop of wet curls.

"Mia! What did you think?" he asked in an excited manner. He walked my way. 

"It was absolutely brilliant! The best show I've ever seen!" I replied with complete sincerity. He sat on the arm of the sofa and smiled as John Harris came over and handed him a beer. Brian stopped to take a large drink and then made a sound of relief as he held the bottle.

"I'm glad we didn't disappoint!" he remarked to me. Roger shouted my name and came bounding over. He was followed by his crewman Crystal.

"Hey!" Roger greeted as he came to stand in front of me. "What's the review then?" he questioned. I gave him the same happy smile I gave Brian.

"Best show ever! You've ruined any other concerts for me..." he appeared to appreciate my opinion and had an opened mouthed grin. He left to get a drink as Freddie waltzed over bearing a massive grin.

"I have to say dear that I will always have a special moment anytime I sing my Bohemian Rhapsody from now on..." he informed me. "Whenever I sing 'Mamma Mia' it will remind me of you..." I laughed out loud at this revelation. 

"Here we go again!" John Deacon chimed in and sang it like Abba. We we all broke up laughing at his reference to Abba's song 'Mamma Mia!' He walked over and plopped down next to me and whispered in my ear. "I never said it to their faces but Brian and Roger kind of remind me of the girls from Abba..." he confided in me. 

I burst out laughing as I got a visual reference in my head and Brian immediately looked curious about what his bandmate had said to me. 

"What did he say?" Brian asked me in a concerned tone. I smiled and shrugged. 

"Nothing..." I argued innocently. Brian rolled his eyes as he walked off and John and I shared a another chuckle.

\----------------------------

5th December 1979

Newcastle

Roger's POV

I woke up before Brian and used the toilet. I washed up and returned to bed. It was cold for my tastes in this room so I hurried back to get under the covers. Brian was somewhat awake in our bed as I slid back in.

"I'm cold..." I whined to him. He reached out for me and pulled me close to warm me up and didn't really open his eyes. I snuggled into his side and rested my head on his shoulder and hoped for a bit more sleep. As soon as I felt the pull of slumber the telephone rang. It jarred me back awake and I groaned as Brian reached over to answer. I half listened and figured it would be someone from the crew or maybe Freddie or Deacy. I heard something in Brian's voice that made me open my eyes and look at him.

"I'll grab the paper..." he told whoever it was on the phone and hung up. He gently slid away from me and got out of bed.

"What is it?" I mumbled to him. I pulled at the covers to keep under them as he walked over to pull on his robe.

"Something happened at a concert in America...The Who..." he remarked and I watched him walk to the door of our room. We had one of the two bedrooms in our suite and Clare and Mia were sharing with the children. Our room had a king bed and the other room had two queen size. Brian slipped out and closed the door behind him. I heard some noise from the kids and knew they had probably all been up a while. We had a late night and didn't make it to bed until around 3 am. I shuffled around and sat up but kept my blanket over me. Brian soon returned and was opening the newspaper that is delivered to our room each day. 

"What is it?" I asked him. "Does it say anything?" Brian stood still and seemed to be reading whatever he found in the paper. His face went a little pale and I dreaded hearing what happened. "Did something happen to Pete? Roger? Entwistle?" The Who is one of our favorite bands and I was devastated when their drummer Keith Moon died unexpectedly the year before. The band was forever changed by his death. They had brought Kenny Jones on board to play for them but it wasn't the same for me. Moon was an idol of mine and I was glad they found a way to keep going but sad that Moon wasn't there anymore. Brian finally looked up at me and I felt my stomach drop at the look in his eyes.

"Rog...it says there were 11 people trampled to death at their show in Cincinnati..." Brian said with immense sadness in his voice. He swallowed hard before he came over and sat down on the bed and laid the newspaper out for me to see for myself. The headline was tragic.

"Shit!" I exclaimed. "What happened?" I questioned out loud. Brian shook his head as we both scanned the article.

"I don't know..." he answered as he reviewed the story. I didn't have my glasses on but Brian knew it and began reading it out loud to me. It was beyond sad to hear.  
\--------------------------------

CINCINNATI – Eleven people were killed and eight seriously injured at Riverfront Coliseum Monday night in a human stampede through the arena's doors before the start of The Who rock group concert.

The Hamilton County Coroner's office said the dead included seven males and four females. A coroner's spokesman said the ages of the victims ranged from 18 to the early 20s.

A team of clergymen accompanied parents of victims through the Hamilton County morgue late Monday night. Identity of the victims was to be released sometime today.

The total number injured had not been determined late Monday.

At a press conference at District One police headquarters, Lt. Dale Menkhaus said too few doors were opened too late to handle the sellout crowd.

"We needed to get the doors open much earlier," Menkhaus said.

Ray Schuerman, an usher at the main gate, said the trouble appeared to start when someone threw a bottle at the gate and broke the door's glass.

"The kids kept breaking the gate more and more. I just couldn't stop them. They rushed the gate."

Mark Shoner, general manager of Cincinnati Ticketron, would not disclose how many tickets were sold for the concert, adding those figures would have to come from Coliseum officials. "We weren't over capacity or anything like that," said Shoner.

Coliseum officials would not comment on which doors were opened and when.

The concert promoters, Electric Factory Concerts, based in Philadelphia, declined comment. A spokesman for The Who said the group has a booking in Buffalo today.

Police Officer Dave Grawe said the rush occurred between 7:30-8 p.m. Seats at the concert were both reserved and open, police and concertgoers said. The crowd began growing at 3 p.m., police said, nearly four hours before the gates were opened. The Coliseum holds 18,000 for concert events.

"The crowd must have jammed the people up so tightly in front that they just passed out. They didn't even fall down. They must have jammed up so tight that they didn't get any air and just died."

Cincinnati Safety Director Richard Castellini, who responded to the coliseum, said "apparently there was such a large swell in the crowd that there were some young people who got caught up in the swell and were suffocated or got trampled."

Castellini said he considered canceling the concert because he thought the problem was inside as well as outside the coliseum; however, he decided against that when he learned the problem was outside.

Concertgoers inside apparently were unaware of the tragedy that had unfolded just outside the main gates, where the entrance was strewn with broken glass, hats, gloves, coats and beer cans.

The doors are located on the west side of the coliseum on the plaza level.

A witness, Isy D'Agostino, a Dayton, Ohio, nurse, said, "For some odd reason people were compressed completely (near the coliseum doors). Some made it, some didn't. Several died within two or three minutes. The whole occurrence took no more than 40 minutes. It's a real sad way to go."

Police Officer Walter Bruce, who was at the coliseum, said the victims "were probably stepped on and fell down; people just fell down. I don't know if they had been moved from where they fell, but most were away from the door."

Bruce said he saw several bodies. He said the bodies were probably found only after the crowd passed over them.  
\--------------------------

"Oh my god!" I cried out as Brian read. It was hard to believe something so horrible could happen at a show. This was supposed to be a night that was exciting for both the audience and the performers. "I can't imagine how the band felt when they found out..." I said to Brian as he laid the newspaper down on the bed and reached over and pulled me into his arms.

"Rog...we played that same venue last time we were there..." Brian informed me. "That could have been us...our show..." he pointed out. It shook me to my core to consider it. I didn't even want to think about knowing something like that might have happened at one of our shows. My heart went out to The Who. To their fans. To the city where it occurred.

Neither of us said a word as we both laid back down in bed and held each other close and got lost in our thoughts about how something so wonderful could have such a tragic outcome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - On December 3, 1979, The Who played a show in Cincinnati and 11 people died attempting to wait to get into their show. It was a major tragedy for the music and entertainment world as it changed the way some people viewed concerts. If you have never heard of this event there are some good videos on YouTube about it and plenty of online information. I remember when this happened. I was nine years old. It stayed with me and made me think about how I behaved when I went to my first concerts. I never liked festival or general attendance admission. I did finally agree to see a band with general admission tickets with my future husband. He was begging to see Motley Crue. This was the only time we had those tickets as we were both shoved around a lot and pushed towards the stage more than once in the over excited crowd. It was incredibly hot and they had to hose the crowd down as a few were getting over heated. I found it terrifying and have had reserved seats for every subsequent concert.
> 
> Queen actually played that same venue on their previous North American tour.


	116. Sail Away Sweet Sister - Part 5

13th December 1979

Surrey / London

Brian's POV

"We can go tomorrow...I promise..." I told Tiger Lily as I pulled my coat on. She looked so disappointed but I had so much to accomplish in a short amount of time today and if I took her along I would never finish.

"We've got the pantomime in a few days..." Clare reminded us both. I had forgot and am glad she is on top of the schedule. I hope Mia is as organized as Clare. I try to be but we get so busy with so many things I sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed.

"That's right!" I said to Tigs. "We're going to see Cinderella!" I reminded her. She bounced up and down in her seat and looked excited.

"Is Jimi coming?" she asked me. I shook my head. 

"No...he's too little for it..." I replied. She looked over at Roger seated in his favorite spot to watch television. He was slumped over and looked like he might fall asleep.

"Is Papa going?" she then asked. We had already talked about this but I guess she didn't remember.

"No...Papa has to go Christmas shopping..." I explained to her. Roger glanced up at my saying these words and I shot him an annoyed expression. He detests music theater and refuses to go see the Christmas pantomime with his child. I was still cross at him for it. So here I was lying to protect her feelings that his disdain for theater was more important than her. My irritation was interrupted when Jimi went over to Roger and he reached down and picked him up and tucked him into his side as he switched the television channel.

"Tigs! 'Play Away' is starting...." Roger called out to our daughter. She dropped her focus on me and ran over and dove onto the sofa next to Roger. He pulled her close just like Jimi on his other side and looked up at me with a satisfied grin.

"I'll watch this with them instead..." he said with a knowing look. I knew he was saying this was his replacement for going to the theater. I sighed and decided the battle wasn't worth it and waved to them all.

"Well...I'm off..." I announced. The kids barely looked up from the show to say goodbye. I know they like this show. It is an odd mix of songs, jokes and some educational content.

I left home and drove straight into London. I had a list of people I needed gifts for and I had something special I needed to collect from a shop. I stopped into a book store and got a few gifts and picked up a special order for my father. My next stop was a boutique to find something nice for Clare. It wasn't my only gift for her but I wanted something tangible for her to open. Finding something for Mia had proven challenging since we didn't know her well yet. I managed to find out that she loved mystery books and had managed to come across a first edition signed copy of Agatha Christie's 'And Then There Were None.' I thought she might start a collection as something of her own.

Roger and I had already purchased everything for the children and our parents so my last items were for Roger himself. He had taken a keen interest in guitars and since he basically has everything he needs in life I decided to find him a guitar for Christmas. I had contacted the music store we have frequented for years and they located a Fender Telecaster he had mentioned. So this was my main gift except for some fancy pajamas I found that I knew he would like.

My bigger conundrum was the 10th anniversary of the day we got together. It wasn't our wedding anniversary but it was an important milestone in our lives. I wanted to make it special somehow. We hadn't really talked about it but I was certain he was expecting something. My thoughts were focused on this as I parked at the music store and walked inside. The manager saw me and waved as I walked up to the counter. 

"I'll be with you in a minute..." he told me as he assisted another customer. I decided to see what goodies they had for Christmas and walked over to the display of gifts and accessories. I smiled when I saw there was some Queen merchandise. I was personally intrigued by a book about early rock and roll history but I wasn't shopping for myself.

"Merry Christmas Brian!" I heard someone say and there was something familiar about their voice. I looked over and couldn't believe who was standing there. It was Tim Staffell.

"Tim!" I said and immediately walked over and we embraced each other. 

"I guess this is our place these days..." Tim commented as we let go of our hug and stood soaking in each other's presence.

"What do you mean?" I asked and he chuckled at me.

"The last time I saw you was in this exact place..." he answered. He was right. The last time we met was in this store. I remembered that day. Roger and I had stopped in so I could look at a piano. 

"Yeah...that's right!" I concurred and we shared a smile. "I was here buying a piano and today I am buying a guitar!" I pointed out. Tim looked surprised.

"You're buying a guitar?" he questioned. "Did something happen to Red?" he asked with concern in his tone. I shook my head and smiled at him. I guess it would be odd for me to be buying another guitar.

"It's not for me...it's a gift!" I clarified and saw Tim's face soften at the news. "It's for Roger..." I explained. Tim seemed intrigued by my news.

"It's amazing how you and Roger have stuck together all these years..." he commented. "I knew you had something special when you first played together...I'm just surprised you've been able to stay friends so long..." His last comment struck me as odd.

"Why wouldn't we stay friends?" I questioned. Tim's shrugged a little.

"I just remember you two would butt heads so much....you did fight quite a bit..." he answered. "I admire how you still manage to work together so closely..." I knew what Tim was referring to. In the Smile days Roger and I had often quarreled. Whether it was the songs or the struggle to get gigs and so many other things, we found ourselves disagreeing on a lot. I was surprised that is what he chose to reflect on. If he knew everything about us it would really shock him.

"We do argue...but he's still my best friend..." was the only thing I said. "What are you doing here?" I asked to change the subject. Tim looked a little awkward and I wondered why.

"Actually...I'm working here for some extra money right now..." he confessed. I felt bad that he needed to find extra work. 

"I'm glad you could find the work..." I replied. "I know times are still tough for many..." I acknowledged. It was a reminder of how lucky I am. I do what I absolutely love for a living and have earned over a million pounds. That didn't even include Roger's earnings.

"It is tough out there...I've tried to focus on getting back to my design work and it's been a challenge...but it is such a passion for me...well...you know how it is....you love music and so many other things too..." he observed.

"I do have other interests....though music doesn't always give me the time to pursue them these days..." I guess that is the trade off with success. Your time is taken up by all the extra things involved with fame. 

"I'll trade you my free time for a thousand pounds!" Tim joked and we both broke into laughter at the consideration. I would gladly write him a check for a week off to just take a breath right now.

"Would you like Tim to help you?" the manager appeared at my side and I smiled widely at him. I guess he didn't know about our history. 

"That would be great..." I replied. We all began walking to the counter and I overheard the manager tell Tim he could take his lunch after helping me. Tim and the manager went into the back room and I waited at the counter until Tim came out with a large black case. He had the sales slip and he laid it on the counter first and then set the case next to it and gently opened it up. There was the 1959 Fender Telecaster. It was beautiful and in excellent condition.

"It's a beauty Brian...I'm sure Roger will love it..." Tim commented as we both examined it. My guitar tech, Rich, had worked with the shop manager to locate it and he had checked it out personally before I agreed to purchase it. The shop had cleaned it up and ordered a new case for it. The one it came with had been damaged. "You need anything else today?" Tim asked me as I signed the bill of sale. Part of me wanted to invite him to lunch and catch up but I didn't have the time. I sighed inside.

"No...that's all..."

\---Later that evening---

"Mineshaft?" I asked Freddie as he pulled his t-shirt down and flattened it against his torso. He grinned devilishly at me as he tucked it into his tight jeans.

"It's a club in New York..." he informed me. I knew that as he had worn the shirt before. Freddie was spending a lot of his free time in the American city. He had bought an apartment there and made quite a few friends. He had told us he enjoyed some anonymity there he didn't always get in London. I also knew he could explore a different side of gay life than the one I am interested in living.

"A dance club?" I asked him and feigned ignorance. I knew about the club and exactly what when on there. It was pretty heady stuff. Paul Prenter had filled me in when I asked about Freddie wearing the shirt when we made the 'Don't Stop Me Now' video. He had been quite candid in his description.

"It's more of a place to experience like minded individuals..." he said and Roger leaned closer to me.

"It's a gay leather bar..." Roger declared and he and Freddie shared an amused grin. Freddie turned and pulled his hat from a box on the counter and plopped a black leather cap with a metal chain as braiding on top of his head. It seemed fitting for him to wear this with the shirt he had on.

"I'm surprised you're not wearing leather chaps..." Deacy quipped to Freddie as he donned his own hat. I was tickled to find it was a shark. I reached into my bag and retrieved the white hat that Clare had made for me to wear. It had one of Tiger Lily's polar bear plush animals sewn on top. Deacy and Freddie giggled at me.

We all shared contented smiles as we looked at each other's crazy hats for the party tonight. Our attention went to Roger as he stood in his trendy blue jacket and look nonplussed. And was not wearing a hat.

"What?" he asked us all.

"Where's your hat?" Freddie asked him and Roger shrugged a little.

"It will mess my hair up..." he complained. Freddie formed a scowl on his face. 

"Roger dear....we simply can't throw a Crazy Hat Party and not wear a hat!" Freddie argued. I turned and pulled the item he had selected when we first had the idea for this party. When Freddie saw me with it he yanked it from my hands and went over to place it on Roger's head. "It's not exactly a hat...is it?" Freddie said with annoyance. He made a huffing sound. "I guess it will do..." he said; resigned to it. Roger adjusted the headband with the plastic axe on it and then walked over to check it in the mirror. He turned and showed it off as Paul Prenter came bounding into the dressing room.

"C'mon...we're late as it is!" Paul announced. We all were shepherded out of the dressing room of the Lyceum and put in a limo and rushed to the club. Legends was a fashionable night spot in London and we had reserved the place for a massive party. Invitations had gone out to a few hundred people and the place was already swelling with bodies, booze and people boogying on the dance floor. We were greeted by our entourage and some invited press. It was a Christmas party and a chance to do some promotions work for our upcoming record. 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' had reached number 2 in the charts but stalled out there for two weeks before dropping. It was still in the top 20 though. The single was being released in America finally and we hoped for a strong performance. We had slated my song 'Save Me' as the next single and I was excited and proud as the invited media asked questions about our current project and what was coming soon. I had quite a bit to drink as I answered questions and enjoyed my night out with the band and our employees.

There was a presentation made to us of Gold Records for our Live Killers album and also for our single. We posed for some photos with the venerable Gertrude Schilling. Everyone was feeling the effects of drink and merriment and I even managed a few dances on the floor of the club with some employees as we partied the night away. I was pretty drunk when the night started winding up and Roger found me and we went to our hired car.

"You're a bit of a mess Bri..." he teased as he helped me into the back of the limo. The car pulled out and we headed for the hotel we were staying in. We had another show in London tomorrow and since the party would be late into the night, we had booked a hotel suite. I was feeling high and happy and wanted to make the most of being alone with Roger right now. The presence of the limo driver prevented that. I laid my head back on the seat and proceeded to fall asleep. I woke only when Roger prompted me to. "We're here..." Roger announced and pulled me by my arms out of the car. I chuckled as he steered me through the door to the hotel and up the lift to our shared quarters. As soon as he had the door closed I pulled him close and gave him a kiss.

We both grinned at each other as I slowly walked him through the room towards the couch and he fell back over onto it. I let myself fall down with him and he made a sound as I landed on top of him.

"I can't breathe babe..." he told me in a stifled voice. I shifted around and could hear him take a breath. I kissed him again and he returned the kiss. Roger suddenly pushed me away and coughed a little. "Sorry..." he said and then began to sit up. He kept coughing and seemed to have something caught. I moved away to give him some breathing space. I reached over and patted his upper back. He finally cleared his cough and then looked at me. "Too many smokes tonight..." he confessed and stood up and went to the mini bar and got himself a glass of water. I got up myself and went into the bathroom and relieved myself. When I came out Roger was getting undressed. "I think I just want to get some sleep..." he told me. I was disappointed but smiled at him and began to get undressed myself. The mood was gone and I had sobered a bit. We both got down to our briefs and slid into the bed. Even though I was little concerned about his cough I fell asleep quickly with the lingering effect of drink.

23rd December 1979

Roger and I stood out of the way as the men brought the tree into the house. We let Clare select a tree from a nearby nursery and it was delivered as I fought a yawn. We were both tired but excited for our first holiday in our new home. Roger guided the men in getting the tree set up in the stand. We had it in our living area and had plenty of room since we still hadn't filled the large space with furniture. The men finished their work and we signed some autographs before Roger walked them out. Clare and Mia came in with bowls of popcorn strung on thread and I grabbed some lights to get on the tree before they started decorating. Roger joined me and we managed to get the lights strung. Soon everyone was placing ornaments on the tree and we all helped Jimi and Tigs with hanging a few. We all munched on some leftover popcorn and after an hour we had it decorated. It seemed a bit plain and homespun for our grand mansion but it felt like us. 

Clare and Mia went to start dinner as Roger and I got the kids to help us wrap their presents for their nannies. We were using Roger's study and had set up a gift wrapping table in there. They made a mess with the paper and cellotape. Squeaky made an appearance and was chasing bows around and went to inspect the tree as we carried some wrapped gifts to place under it. It really felt like Christmas as we surveyed our decorations. Clare had placed some greenery on the mantle of the fireplace and my mother had found a wreath for our front hall.

We had dinner and everyone seemed occupied with wrapping presents or getting the house ready for our guests for Christmas day. Winnie and Trevor arrived late that evening. They had elected to make the trip by car. After meeting Mia, Winnie put the children to bed since she made it in time and we all settled in for a visit to catch up. I was yawning and fading fast so I excused myself after a while. It occurred to me that I still didn't have a present for Roger for our anniversary and felt like a lousy husband as I drifted off to sleep.

24th December 1979

It is amazing what sleeping in on your own bed will do for you. I was renewed with some energy for the holidays and got busy with finishing up my wrapping and checking on the guitar I had hidden away in the closet of my 'fake' bedroom. Clare had been using my bedroom until she leaves since she gave up her quarters for Mia. She knew all my Christmas secrets except for her own gifts. I felt a mix of excitement and sadness as the time to give her the presents and to also say goodbye drew near. Clare had decided on moving to London and had begun a serious inquiry into finding a flat and a new job. There was no rush. We weren't telling the children about her leaving until after Christmas. This was Clare's idea as she didn't want the season spoiled with the news. The kids simply thought we had adopted Mia and were quite happy with it. 

The house was loud and hectic as Winnie did some cooking and everyone was finishing up their last minute things for Christmas Day. I was seated in my study trying to figure out a gift idea for Roger for our anniversary. I was also making sure our bills were paid. Since we had been on tour things had piled up. I sorted through a stack of mail as someone knocked on my study door.

"Come in..." the door opened and Roger came inside. I looked up and smiled at him.

"Ahhh...bills!" he commented as he came over and saw them laid out on the desk. He got next to me and sat down on the desktop. "You all set for Christmas?" he asked me. I nodded.

"Yes..." I answered truthfully. I was set for Christmas. Just not the next day. Boxing Day. Our day. I felt bad. 

"Good..." he replied. He leaned closer and looked me in the eye. "About Boxing Day..." he stated. "We both know it's our tenth anniversary..." I smiled and he did as well. "I just wanted to tell you now that I haven't got you anything..." he revealed. I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I let out a massive breath and grinned widely at him.

"I have to say I am thrilled to hear it..." I announced and Roger looked surprised. "I've got nothing for you either..." I confessed. "We've been so busy and to be honest...I was stumped what to get you...." 

"It's the same for me..." Roger agreed. "How about we both agree that going forward we don't get each other anything for this anniversary...." he suggested. I thought it was a prudent idea.

"Agreed!" I told him. We sealed it with a kiss. I was so happy that I wasn't going to disappoint him I pulled him into my lap. Roger didn't fight it and let me hug him close to me. I heard the sound of someone lightly knocking and looked up to see Mia standing in the doorway. She grinned at me holding Roger in my lap. It was the first time she had caught us in a moment like this.

"Winnie wanted me to tell you she's got some cookies in the kitchen...if you want some..." she told us with a look of amusement.

"We'll be right there..." I told her enthusiastically and she disappeared as I chuckled a little. Roger tugged on one of my low hanging curls.

"I knew it!" he declared to me. 

"Know what?" I asked him as I watched him play with my hair and form an annoyed look on his face.

"You like my Mum's chocolate chip cookies more than you like me..." he pouted in a playful manner. I shoved him off my lap and he protested as I got up to head for the kitchen.

"On Christmas Eve....yes, I like her cookies more than I like you!" I agreed and took off running as he came after me.

We had an informal dinner since everyone was baking and preparing food for tomorrow. Roger and I filled the children's stockings and one each for Clare and Mia and hid them in our room for later tonight. Tiger Lily talked about Father Christmas all evening and we got her and Jimi off to bed before enjoying some adult time. Tomorrow was a busy day so we all headed to bed fairly early. Once we were sure the kids were asleep we snuck their stockings into their bedrooms and we settled in for some rest.

I woke up Christmas morning full of butterflies and saw it was early. I decided to make the most of it and slid out of bed and got ready for the day. I left Roger to sleep and wasn't surprised to find Winnie in the kitchen as I arrived there for some tea. 

"Happy Christmas dear..." Winnie told me as I came up and kissed her cheek. She was already dressed and coifed and looked perfect as she poured me a cup. 

"Happy Christmas Winnie..." I replied and stirred in some sugar and milk. 

"Want some breakfast?" she asked. I would be happy with toast but I know how much she likes to cook for us when she visits. 

"That would be lovely..." I replied and she beamed at me as she grabbed a skillet. She got busy making my food as I went and drove down to collect the newspaper at the front gate. I returned to find my food being plated and took a seat.

"My how things have changed..." Winnie commented as she served me and took a seat next to me. 

"What do you mean?" I asked. I had an idea of what she was getting at . Winnie sipped her tea and looked pensive.

"You've moved out to this secluded estate and Clare is moving on with her life..." Winnie commented. "Mia will be looking after the kids and you and Roger are away so much with work..." She was right on all counts. I knew her life had changed this year.

"Don't forget your life has changed as well..." I reminded her. She formed a warm smile.

"It has!" she agreed. 

"I like Trevor...he seems like a kind man..." I told her. Winnie seemed glad to hear my opinion.

"He is...." she agreed. "Unlike Michael...." Winnie remarked. It was candid of her to say this and I appreciated her honesty. She looked right at me with great affection. "I didn't realize how much I was missing some kindness in my life..." Winnie said. "I see you with my son and you are a kind person...you've always been so respectful and caring towards him..." she commented. It felt good to hear.

"I try to be..." I said back.

"You are Brian...and it means so much to know Roger is with someone who treats him well..." she remarked. "I hope when Clare is out there looking she is able to find someone as nice as you..." I almost blushed at her compliment.

"Thanks Winnie...and I agree...I hope Clare meets someone who truly knows how amazing she is and treats her in kind..." Winnie raised her teacup at me and I raised mine.

"To a little kindness in the new year..." Winnie proposed. I grinned at her sentiment.

"To a little kindness in the coming new decade!" I countered and she smiled as we toasted our wish.

I finished eating and returned to my bedroom to get Roger up. He got ready and then we woke the kids. Tiger Lily was bursting with excitement as we got her and Jimi and headed downstairs. The others joined us in the living room as the children found their presents from Father Christmas and were overjoyed. Tiger Lily was thrilled with her new bicycle. Jimi adored his very own Steiff stuffed bear. My parents weren't at Christmas this year because my Aunt in Scotland was ill. They were afraid it might be her last Christmas so they opted to see her this holiday. We planned to celebrate with them after they returned in the first of the year. I felt bad I hadn't seen my Aunt in ages but I had sent a gift and letter to wish her well.

Everyone opened up presents and we took turns watching. I felt excitement building as Roger finally reached for the small box I had wrapped for him to open. He had loved the silk pajama set I had found him. He shook the small box and then grinned as he tore it open.

"Jewelry?" he questioned as I watched him open the lid. Inside was an enamel pin of his Fender guitar. He looked slightly confused but kept his smile as he pulled it out. "I like it!" he said and I laughed at his attempt to be polite.

"Look under the cardboard...." I said to him. He smiled and lifted the thin cardboard the pin had been attached to and found a slip of paper. He opened it up and his eyes were large as he dropped the box and got up from his seat. Everyone watched as he disappeared from the room. I got up to follow him as he went to my study. Tiger Lily was right behind me.

"Where are you going Papa?" she asked him.

"Your Daddy is playing games with my present..." he replied. Roger opened my study door and walked straight to the cupboard and opened it. 

"Is this what I think it is?" he asked me as he reached in and pulled out the large black case. I said nothing as I followed him back out of the room and back to where the others were. Everyone was excited as he placed the case in the middle of the floor and kneeled down to open it up. Tigs plopped down next to him and Jimi went over to see what he had. I loved the expression on Roger's face as he looked inside and shouted.

"Yes!" he declared and carefully pulled the guitar out of the case. Everyone leaned forward to look as Roger cradled the Fender in his lap. It had a black body and natural finished neck and looked great leaned up against him. 

"Wow!" Winnie remarked and Roger let Tiger Lily touch it and Jimi quickly followed. The others came over to look as well. Roger handed the guitar off to Clare to check it out and then walked over to me. 

"It's beautiful...thank you!" Roger told me and we shared a quick kiss. We parted and present opening resumed. Mia was surprised and thrilled with her Agatha Christie book and was touched at the presents she received from Clare and the children. I found a large box with my name on it and saw the tag said it was from Roger. I placed it in front of me.

"This is from Rog..." I announced to everyone and noticed eager expressions on Clare's face as well as Rogers. I tore the paper and felt excited as I realized he had bought me the new Atari home video gaming system. It had just come out and was hard to find. "It's Atari!" I declared with a massive grin. The children came over to inspect the box and I looked over at my husband. "We can set this up in our room..." I told him. "Thanks babe..." 

I explained what Atari was to Winnie and Trevor as some other presents were opened. After we finished I knew it was time. I stood up as everyone was chatting about their gifts.

"There is one more present..." I announced. All eyes were on me with curiosity. Even Roger. I had not told him about this. I wanted it to be a surprise for them all. "If you could join me at the piano..." I instructed. We all went over to the piano in the corner of the room and I took a seat on the bench but turned to face everyone. "I wanted to give Clare something special for Christmas this year because she has given me something beyond measure in this life..." I explained. I think it was clear to everyone it was probably a song. Roger looked at me with a mix of emotions in his face. Clare seemed absolutely shocked at the prospect. "Clare..." I began as I looked her in the eyes with warmth, love and gratitude. "You came into my life and brought me the joy of your company, your wisdom, your loyalty and most importantly your friendship and love..." I said to her as Roger went over and put his arm around her. "But you gave also gave me a child...and for that I cannot fathom a gift to equal that..." I blew her a kiss. "But Clare Taylor...this is for you...to the sister I never had..." I turned to the piano and began playing.

Hey little babe you're changing  
Babe are you feeling sore?  
It ain't no use in pretending  
You don't wanna play no more

It's plain that you ain't no baby  
What would your mother say?  
You're all dressed up like a lady  
How come you behave this way?

Sail away sweet sister  
Sail across the sea  
Maybe you'll find somebody  
To love you half as much as me  
My heart is always with you  
No matter what you do  
Sail away sweet sister  
I'll always be in love with you

Forgive me for what I told you  
My heart makes a fool of me  
You know that I'll never hold you  
I know that you gotta be free

Sail away sweet sister  
Sail across the sea  
Maybe you'll find somebody  
To love you half as much as me  
Take it the way you want it  
But when they let you down my friend  
Sail away sweet sister  
Back to my arms again

Hot child don't you know you're young  
You got your whole life ahead of you?  
And you can throw it away too soon  
Way too soon

Sail away sweet sister

Sail across the sea  
Maybe you'll find somebody's  
Gonna love you half as much as me  
My heart is always with you  
No matter what you do  
Sail away sweet sister  
I'll always be in love with you

I finished the song and turned around to see Clare being held by Roger. I saw that everyone had tears in their eyes and the children looked bewildered. I had felt emotional as I sang it and wiped at my own tears as I watched Clare for her reaction. Before I could say anything Clare pulled away from Roger and ran from the room.

To be continued.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little something - the show Roger was watching with the kids was called Play Away. It was a children's program on British TV during the 70's and 80's. One of the featured players on this show in the early 80's was a young actress named Anita Dobson! The future Mrs. Brian May!


	117. Sail Away Sweet Sister - Part 6

25th December 1979

Surrey / London

Voyeur's POV

Roger and Brian both looked at each other after Clare disappeared from the room. Brian was filled with concern about the reaction Clare had and worried he had upset her somehow. He went to stand up but Roger raised his hand up in the air.

"Let me go..." he said and Brian half nodded as Roger went after his sister. Roger's head was spinning with trying to understand what just happened. While he found the song incredibly beautiful and a sweet tribute to his sister, a part of him was questioning what the underlying message of the song was. Did Brian just say he was in love with Clare? Did Clare run because she heard this in the song as well and left because she couldn't deal with it? Did Clare run because she feels the same way? A certain amount of fear crept into Roger's psyche that his husband and his sister had fallen in love right under his nose. It was something he head feared when his sister agreed to have a baby for them. He instantly recalled Brian's assurances it wouldn't happen but doubt about their ability to control their feelings absorbed Roger's thoughts as he reached the door to his sister's bedroom. A million questions and a lot of uncertainty dwelled as he gently knocked on the door. There was no immediate answer and Roger didn't know if she wasn't in there or if she was choosing not to answer.

"Clare...it's me...." he called out. He waited and listened.

"I'm in here..." Roger heard the faint response of his sister and realized she wasn't in her bedroom but was in Jimi's room. He went down the hall and pushed open the slightly ajar door. Clare was sitting in the rocking chair and looked up at him. Her eyes were tear stained and she was holding a pillow against her stomach.

"Hey..." Roger said softly to her. "Are you okay?" he asked her. Clare wiped at her face and nodded to him. There was silence for a moment before Clare spoke.

"Sorry..." she finally muttered. Roger shook his head and moved from the doorway closer to her. He walked over and rested his arm against the top railing of the cot. 

"There is nothing to be sorry for...just talk to me..." he replied. More silence ensued. Clare looked around the room and then over at her brother and smiled at him.

"I'm okay really..." she suggested. Roger didn't fully buy it. 

"Did the song upset you or was it something Brian said?" he asked carefully. A fresh tear slid down Clare's face but she managed a smile. Roger felt on edge not knowing what was wrong and feared the worst.

"I can't believe he wrote that for me..." Clare told her brother. "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard..." Roger walked over to the dresser and grabbed some tissues from the box and then squatted down in front of his sister. He handed her the tissues and she smiled as she took them. "Thanks..." she whispered and immediately dabbed at her eyes.

"So you're not upset with him?" Roger asked her and Clare shook her head and made a sound of exasperation. 

"Of course not! I just have no idea how to tell him what it means to me...I just felt overwhelmed and I guess I panicked a little..." she confessed. Her and Roger both shared a small chuckle as she sniffed and wiped her nose. Roger reached over and grasped her free hand. He was relieved to see it was just a case of being overcome with emotion.

"I know how it feels...." Roger told her in a gentle manner. "He's written a couple for me as you know... he reminded her. She smiled and squeezed her brother's hand. 

"What did you say to him about the last song you knew he wrote for you?" she asked. Roger tried to hide his negative feelings but wasn't going to lie to his sister.

"To be honest...the last song he told me was about me kind of pissed me off..." he remarked. Clare looked surprised and then a little curious. 

"What would he say about you that would make you mad?" she asked him sincerely. Roger laughed a little as he looked for the right words.

"He just finished a song that was about how he felt when I cheated on him..." Clare immediately felt bad for asking.

"Oh Rog!....sorry..." she responded. 

"It's okay...it's actually about me and also everything he was dealing with at the time...so I couldn't stay that angry at him..." Roger explained. He stood up and walked over to sit on the small sofa in Jimi's room. 

"Is it going to be on the new album?" Clare questioned. Roger made a sound of disenchantment. 

"Actually...it's our new single..." he replied. Clare groaned but then had an idea and smiled at him.

"Maybe you could get him to switch songs and use mine instead?" Clare suggested. 

"Hey now...I get to be the inspiration for a hit song before you are!" he argued. Clare giggled at her brother's vanity. She had stopped crying and dried her damp cheeks.

"I hope I can find someone who will love me the way Brian loves you..." Clare stated to her brother. Roger felt bad that she had not had any romance in her life and got up from the sofa and walked back over to his sister. He pulled her up from the rocking chair and hugged her close.

"You are such an amazing woman Clare...and you are worthy of great love....keep the faith that you will find it..." Roger said as he embraced his sister. "Just remember to not let your desire to be with someone and to be loved cloud your choices..." 

"Good advice..." Clare replied and they remained silent as they enjoyed each other's comfort. They heard a gentle knocking and turned to see Brian standing in the doorway. He looked awkward and uncertain.

"Sorry...I just couldn't take it anymore..." Brian commented and looked at Clare. "I'm sorry if I upset you..." he began. Clare smiled at him and waved him over. 

"I'm not upset! Promise!" she told him and Brian eagerly went over to accept a hug from her as Roger took a step back. "I'm just blown away by it...I don't know how to tell you what it means to me Brian..." Roger patted Clare's arm.

"I'll let you talk..." Roger announced and slipped out of the room. Brian and Clare watched Roger leave and then Clare reached up and kissed Brian's cheek.

"I don't have the words to describe what I felt hearing that song..." Clare said to him in a tender voice. "It's just beautiful..." she added. Brian beamed at her positive review. 

"I'm glad to hear it...I was so afraid you were upset...I'm relieved..." he said back to her. They embraced again.

"I love it..." she assured him. "I guess what I want to say is that I am lucky to be called sister by Roger...but I am proud to be considered one by you..." Brian felt immense pride in her words and gave her a heartened smile. 

"I think you told just me in the best possible way what it means to you..." 

26th December 1979

Roger's POV

We are on the cusp of a new year. A new decade. A new beginning with Mia in Clare's place. A new man in my mother's life. A new album to finish and release. A new tour to plan and execute. A new decade in my life with my husband. But I felt old at the moment. Old and tired. Too tired for my age. I had heard people complain about work and kids and obligations being draining at times. I felt it right now. I woke up with the need to cough and sat up in bed. I quickly realized I needed something to drink and slipped away to get some water and clear my throat. The water tasted like heaven and I finished the entire glass. I set it on the counter and worked to clear my throat. It finally cleared and I used the toilet and washed up and returned to bed. Brian was sound asleep. I climbed back in next to him and nestled myself into his chest as I covered up with the duvet and closed my eyes.

\----------------

"Rog..." I heard Brian's voice as he jostled me gently. I opened my eyes and realized the fatigue remained. 

"What?" I mumbled and tried to remain asleep and warm under the covers.

"You have to get up...we've got that charity show tonight...remember?" Brian remarked. I groaned at the thought of leaving my cocoon. 

"Tired..." I mumbled and didn't move. I felt Brian sat down on the bed.

"We've got to be in town in a few hours..." he reminded me. "It's already noon babe..." I resigned myself to having to get up and slowly opened my eyes as I sat up in bed. 

"Okay..." I agreed and slid out from under the bedclothes and immediately felt a shiver run through me as I moved slowly towards the bathroom. I managed to slump myself into the shower and hoped it would wake me up. The water was nice and I felt like I could get awake and going. I was almost done when I felt the need to cough again. At first it was like it had been in the early morning. I couldn't seem to clear it though and my coughing became more aggressive. I leaned over to brace myself against the wall of the shower as I forced some harsh coughs and finally got some relief. I turned and took some water in my mouth and gargled and spit it out when I finished. It was better so I hurried to finish my shower.

"Happy anniversary..." Brian announced to me as he walked into the bathroom carrying a cup of tea on a tray with some toast. I appreciate his gesture and hoped the tea would soothe my throat.

"Thanks...happy anniversary..." I replied and we shared a warm smile as I picked up the tea and sipped it. 

"You feel alright?" Brian asked me. I shrugged at him.

"I'm okay....my throat is a bit irritated for some reason..." I answered. "What time is it?" I asked and Brian checked his watch. He was completely dressed and ready. 

"You've got about 20 minutes before the car arrives..." he replied. I had a lot to do so I nodded understanding and quickly downed my tea. I handed Brian my cup.

"I better get on it then..." I told him. I leaned over and kissed him and then reached for the hair dryer and got busy.

\---------

"The good news is you can sleep in tomorrow..." Brian assured me as I yawned. The hired car stopped and we stepped out to make the walk into the Hammersmith Odeon. Some security was standing by as we signed a few autographs and posed for some pictures. It was always amazing how many people arrived early for these concerts just to say hello and hopefully see us up close. Despite my fatigue I enjoyed interacting with the fans and felt a little energized from their enthusiasm. 

I had a cigarette as we were escorted into the venue and soon arrived in the backstage area. Everything was set up and Freddie and Deacy had already arrived.

"Gentlemen..." Freddie greeted us. "I hope you had a lovely Christmas..." he commented as we approached. 

"It was good...how's your family?" Brian asked him. They began to exchange Christmas stories and I noticed Deacy looking at us and whispering something to Ratty. They looked like they were up to something. 

"What are you up to?" I asked them. I grabbed a beer from the hospitality table. Both of them formed neutral expressions.

"Just talking about Christmas..." Deacy replied innocently but I could tell it was bullshit. I let it go and walked over to Brian and Freddie looking at a new bracelet Freddie was wearing. It was a nice silver band and I admired it.

"It's from Phoebe..." he commented. I smiled at him as I looked at the beautiful craftsmanship.

"That's really nice..." I told him. 

"They're ready for you..." one of the crew announced at the door. We all headed out and began our soundcheck. We did a run through and got everything in working order. I couldn't help but notice Freddie and Deacy exchanging frequent looks and then Ratty also joining in. I knew something was up and waved Brian over. He came over to the side of the drum riser.

"Is it just me or do they all seem to be acting funny?" I asked Brian. He glanced all around and then returned his gaze to me.

"Now that you mention it...they have been a bit odd..." he commented. I felt some validation in his answer and we shrugged at each other before resuming the warm up. After the last number Crystal came over and took my sticks from me and took my final instructions. I notice him share a look with Ratty and knew for certain something was going on. I began to fear some type of prank was imminent. If I asked I knew Crystal wouldn't fess up. He enjoyed a good prank as much as anyone else here. I accepted my fate as a possible victim and hopped down from the riser as I lit a cigarette. Freddie gestured to myself and Brian.

"I have a special Boxing Day dinner prepared for us..." Freddie announced. While it sounded sincere I wondered what joke he was planning. Brian and I followed Freddie and Deacy backstage and down a hall. Only some security was present and I realized the crew had disappeared. I got a little nervous and leaned close to Brian.

"I think they're going to play a prank on us..." I whispered as a warning. He nodded understanding and formed a wary look on his face. Freddie and Deacy both stopped at a door to a room marked Private Event and I braced myself for what was to come. 

"Let's enjoy a nice meal...shall we?" Freddie proposed wearing a smug grin. Brian put his arm around my back to prepare for whatever stunt they were pulling. I held my breath as the door opened and was shocked out of my wits at the crowd of people waiting inside.

"SURPRISE!" they all yelled. "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!" My mouth dropped open and so did Brian's as we found a party waiting on us in the large room. There was a large banner that was hand written by someone that said 'Happy 10 Years Roger and Brian.' Crepe paper adorned the walls and the tables were decorated. A tiered cake stood at the end of a long table that was filled with food. 

The road crew were all standing around and Freddie and Deacy appeared absolutely gleeful. Freddie walked a few steps into the room and turned to face us as Deacy grabbed us both by the hands and walked us over to sit in two chairs that were decorated and placed next to each other. We both took a seat and Brian reached over and took my hand.

"Oh my god!" I cried out in absolute surprise. "Did you know about this?" I asked Brian. He shook his head and appeared just as surprised as me.

"No! Freddie...Deaks...this is amazing!" Brian told them all. "Everyone...thanks!" I nodded agreement.

"Yeah...thanks...this is really nice!" I concurred. Crystal came over and handed Brian and I glasses of champagne and I saw everyone else was holding one as well. Freddie made some noise to get everyone's attention.

"I met Roger and Brian through a mutual friend around 1968..." Freddie began and everyone was listening intently. "Now I have to say that when I first met them they both were clearly into girls..." Many of the men in the room snickered at his comment. "We were all sharing a flat with several other students and were forced to share a bedroom and basically lived on top of each other..." he explained. 

"Who was on top of who?" someone shouted and several people started laughing. I could see some real ribbing about us being a couple was about to take place. Brian and I shared a look of understanding at this fact and then I rolled my eyes as Freddie continued. 

"Let me finish before you dive in with your crass remarks...." Freddie declared. "As I was saying...we were all sharing cramped quarters but were happy with how Smile was shaping up. We were looking for the right bassist but were confident he would come along..."

"Oi Deacy!" Ratty shouted. Deacky took a bow as he received several cat calls from the crew. Freddie shot them all a warning look so he could get some quiet to finish his speech. Brian and I were laughing at his efforts to try and control the unruly gang.

"Roger and I had left school and found a place to run a shop selling all the fine vintage clothing we had procured during the past few years..." I laughed now at Freddie's continued slant that what we sold was premium merchandise. 

"It was utter tat!" I shouted out this time and Freddie turned to look at me with disdain as everyone roared with laughter. Freddie formed a smile and then chuckled himself. He winked at me before resuming his speech. Brian grinned at my cheeky comment.

"So we opened a lovely boutique!" Freddie continued with his rose colored memory of our past lives. "And as luck would have it there was living space above the shop and Roger and Brian and myself moved in..." Brian and I both grinned at the reminder of our first real place together. "We all moved in but there were only two bedrooms in the place..." Freddie pointed out. "And Roger kindly volunteered to share his room with Brian..." he told them all and turned and winked at me again. There were several rude comments from the crew.

"I was being a good friend!" I shouted in protest to their catcalls. Brian laughed at my embarrassment. 

"You were being a horny bastard!" Crystal shouted back and everyone roared again with laughter. 

"It was romantic!" Brian protested as they all continued with their rude comments. 

"All I know is that they were at it the moment we moved in!" Freddie declared and everyone snickered at his comment. "But I have to say that it was clear from early on that it was true love..." Freddie mused with a sentimental smile. The crew all cooed at his comment. "And it is a love that has endured despite many things trying to get in their way..." It was a beautiful thing for him to say about us. Freddie beamed at us both with admiration and my heart felt full. I looked over at Brian and we shared a warm and contented smile. To my surprise he leaned over and actually kissed me in front of everyone. A cheer erupted from them all.

"To Brian and Roger!" Freddie declared and raised his glass. "Long may their love reign!" he added. Everyone raised their glass and concurred. Then Deacy came over and popped a fresh bottle of champagne and proceeded to pour it over our heads. Brian and I broke up laughing as we were sprayed with the foam and bubbles. 

We got cleaned up and received congratulations from each of the crew as they stopped to say something before grabbing their dinner. As we ate our meal the lights were dimmed and we were subjected a slideshow created by our tour photographer. Brian and I sat completely mortified but feeling quite loved. At first they were early photos and were a nice trip down memory lane. They soon descended into pictures taken without our knowledge. We had been captured kissing and there was even a photo of me in Brian's lap. I knew and Brian did as well that these photos were dangerous. I couldn't believe they actually existed but tried to just enjoy the moment for what it was.

The best part was the last set of pictures. Two of the crew men had dressed up as the two of us and were photographed in lewd situations. The long blond wig and the massive brown curly one were hysterical. So were the pictures where we were supposed to be naked and having sex in crazy places related to touring. I roared with laughter at these but at first Brian gave the crew members an irritated look. He soon found the humor in it all and started laughing along with us. One picture had them half naked behind my drums and peeking over the toms like we had been caught doing it behind my kit. It was pretty funny. My favorite was me getting bent over a stack of amps with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and Brian was standing behind me supposedly giving it to me. The best bit was he wearing only his clogs. All in all it was a humorous tribute to us.

A few of the crew had actual gifts for us and I was surprised at the nicer photos they gave us. Some had actually caught us in sweet moments together and they brought back nice memories. Crystal and Ratty gave us a small photo album with some shots they had captured over the years. Brian and I thanked them all and enjoyed the attention and celebratory atmosphere. After we all had something to eat and enjoyed a piece of the cake we shifted focus to the concert we had to perform. Brian and I peeled off our champagne sodden clothes and got cleaned up and dressed for the show. We were here for the fans and to raise some money for a worthy cause. 

Soon we were lined up and heading for the stage. I drank my traditional whisky before we went on. It went down well but I found myself coughing again as I got situated at my drums. Crystal grabbed me a cup of water and I leaned down away from the mike to clear my throat and sip from the paper cup. I felt better and got busy with drumming and singing.

We all had an abundance of energy and enjoyed playing. It was a spirited night and I was amused at the contrast my bandmates displayed as individuals on stage. Deacy almost looked liked a businessman with his suit and shorn hair. I did enjoy the slight punk feel he exuded. Freddie was much more the rock star but had an edge with his leather trousers and knee pads. The tie without a shirt. So fucking cocky tonight. It was fantastic. Brian had on a western style shirt and his new Nike trainers. He also had some real swagger. He was feeling good after our surprise party this afternoon. He and Freddie in particular were sharing some craziness as they both moved about the stage. We got through the majority of our set and I noticed I was feeling a bit tired. I guess with everything going on during the past week it wasn't surprising. I smiled as I remembered Brian reminding me I could sleep in tomorrow. I placed all my efforts into the remaining bits of the show. We started up Sheer Heart Attack in our first encore and I took some pride in my song as we belted it out for the fans. Freddie really enjoyed performing this and it was fun to do the backup vocals. Freddie was all over the place and Brian was really getting into his playing. This song has such a frenetic pace and even Deacy was thumping away and tapping his foot as he stood on bobbed up and down on the steps of my drum riser.

'Do you know...do you know...do you know...just how I feel...'

'Sheer heart attack!'

I watched my bandmates as the middle section started and Brian began distorting his guitar sounds. Freddie bounded over to him and postured as Brian laid it on. Suddenly Freddie dropped to his knees right by Brian and was moaning into the mike and Brian played off his energy like a pro. Their chemistry was great. It got even better when Freddie got back up and waltzed over to a large amp Brian had situated on a storage crate. Freddie ran up behind it and began shoving on it in a crazed moment. I laughed as Brian got on the other side and braced his precious amp with his foot. A shoving match ensued and Brian relented as he jumped back to see his amp fall to the stage at Freddie's bidding.

It felt chaotic and the audience ate it up. When the song finished I felt a touch of weakness and steadied myself by grabbing my toms in front of me. I shook the feeling off as I waited for my signal and began playing the drums for We Will Rock You. My shoulders felt achier than usual and I ignored it as I watched Freddie come from the side of the stage on top of Terry's broad shoulders. Terry was wearing that Superman costume and carefully positioned himself with Freddie wrapped around him at the front and center of the stage. It was so fucking arrogant but I loved it. Freddie belted out the lines to the song as I kept time. The others joined in as the crowd stomped and clapped. The cheers were loud and fervent as the song finished and Freddie sat at his piano for our final number. 

The fans sang along and waved their banners high and I felt proud of what we had accomplished as a group this decade. We had come so far. Together. I really felt we were the champions of the world as I finished and stood up from my drums and came down the riser steps to join my best friends in taking a bow. We had finished the last concert of the last tour of the last year of this decade. And we were all standing together. We walked off as the crowd sang along to God Save The Queen. Everyone's spirits were high but I felt a chill run through me as I donned my robe. Crystal lit a cigarette for me and we both had a smoke as we made the walk to the dressing room.

The after party had already started and there were several celebrities in attendance for our benefit show. I had a beer and did my best to be a good host despite the fatigue starting to set in. I excused myself after a while to get dressed as my damp stage clothes were giving me chills. I fought the urge to lay down in the back part of the dressing room. I felt that weakness return. I took a seat for a moment and ran a fresh towel across my face. I wasn't sure how long I sat there before the door opened and Deacy came through. He began slipping off his own robe and reached for his street clothes.

"Great party...but I'm ready to go home..." Deacy commented as he tossed his stage suit aside and picked up a clean shirt. 

"I couldn't agree more..." I said back. I stood up and tried to get motivated to return to the party when Brian came inside. 

"They're moving the party to a nightclub...the venue said they need it cleared to prepare it for tomorrow night..." Brian advised us. I was not interested in a party tonight. I was starting to feel a bit crap.

"I think I want to skip..." I replied. "I'm really tired and I'm not feeling that great..." I told him honestly. Brian immediately appeared concerned and walked over and felt my cheek and forehead. 

"You don't feel that warm but I know you were coughing earlier..." he said. I didn't realize he had heard me at the beginning of the show. "You had that cough this morning as well..." he pointed out. He was right. I had coughed a few times today. My throat actually felt a little thick as I thought about it.

"Can we go?" I replied. Brian agreed and quickly grabbed his clothes and changed. Deacy finished and came up and looked me over.

"You look a bit pale..." he commented. "I'll let Freddie know you're leaving..." he offered.

"Thanks Deaks...we'll see you on New Years Eve..." I reminded him. He smiled at me.

"See you then...get some rest and feel better..." he said back and opened the door to leave. 

"Thanks.." I replied. Brian slid on his clogs and we collected our things. 

"You ready?" he asked. I nodded a I stood up and got my coat from the rack. He helped me get it on and we took off out the side door. I felt heavy and sluggish as we climbed in the car. I was grateful not having to drive and curled myself into my leopard print coat as the car took off for Surrey. Brian noticed and wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. His body and care were comforting as I closed my eyes for the rest of the journey.

I guess I had nodded off but woke up with the strangled feeling of needing to cough. My eyes flew open and I turned my head to not cough on Brian. I must have coughed for several minutes and couldn't seem to get my throat irritation cleared up. Brian found a handkerchief in his bag and gave it to me. I finally coughed hard enough to get some relief and he found a bottle of water in the small bar on the back seat. I took a few sips and sighed out but felt really drained. Brian felt my forehead again and looked troubled. "Let's get you home and to bed..." he commented quietly to me. I leaned into him and didn't care if the driver noticed. I was really feeling poorly at this point. I closed my eyes again and didn't open them until Brian was waking me to get out of the car.

He walked with me to the door and into the house and straight up the stairs. The house was quiet because of the time of night and we went through into our shared room. Brian helped me get undressed and into bed and tucked the duvet around me before he went to our bathroom and got me a glass of water and a box of tissue. My eyes were closed though and I was out as he slid into bed next to me.

\-------------------------

The cough returned in the early morning hours. I woke up and sat up a little trying to clear the irritation. My throat felt sore now and really thick. I also felt really warm as I leaned over and grabbed a tissue as I tried to loosen whatever was irritating my throat. I also sipped some water. I felt exhausted and once the coughing was better I laid back against the pillows and rested my arm over my eyes.

"You okay?" I heard Brian say quietly. I felt him shuffle in the bed and he reached over and felt my face. "You're hot...you might have a fever..." he told me. I wanted to shove the blanket off me but didn't have the energy. "You're sick..." Brian announced. I was inclined to agree with him. I felt like shit. I managed to get the glass and sip some more water before I collapsed back on the pillow. "Do you need anything?" Brian asked me. I need some comfort and rolled over towards him. 

"Just you..." I said in a whisper. He pulled me towards him and wrapped me in his arms. It was just what I needed to fall back asleep.


	118. Sail Away Sweet Sister - Part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a medical expert!!!!

28th December 1979

Surrey/London

Brian's POV

"You've got the flu..." I informed Roger as I hung up the telephone. The doctor's office called to confirm it. He had only got worse after feeling ill after our concert and developed a fever, body aches, weakness and headache. And then there was the cough. It had started a few days ago and got progressively worse. That is what made me take him to the doctor yesterday more than anything. Roger's reaction to the news was to cough some more. He sounded awful and I was concerned it was already headed into his chest. "That cough is terrible..." I commented as I walked over and handed him a fresh tissue. He covered his mouth and coughed into it and seemed to loosen some phlegm up. He leaned over and tossed it into the bin I set by his bedside. I felt bad for him. He looked absolutely miserable. His hair was a mess and his face was flushed and sprouting a light beard. Those gorgeous blue eyes were glassy and he was hunched over as he tried to clear his throat.

"I brought you something to try and eat..." Winnie said as she lingered in the doorway. I had forbidden her or the others to come inside the room since he became sick. My concern was that he was contagious and now we knew for certain he was. Since I had been around him and already exposed I was the best person to take care of him. 

"The doctor just rang...it is the flu..." I informed her. She got a sympathetic look as she gazed at her son.

"My poor baby..." she cooed to him from afar. Roger looked over at her and tried to smile but he didn't have the energy.

"Just set the food down on that table please...I'll bring it to him..." I instructed. Winnie set it down and I heard Tiger Lily's voice as she appeared in the doorway. I worried she was trying to come inside the room. "Stop!" I shouted. I walked closer to the door with my hand held up and she froze in the doorway as Winnie turned to get hold of her.

"Sweetheart...your Papa is sick and you can't see him right now...because you might get sick..." Winnie explained to her in a tender voice. Tigs looked up at me and held out her arms.

"Can I see you Daddy?" she asked me. I felt terrible about denying her some affection right now. We had been so busy lately with the tour and I wanted nothing more than to hold her and spend some real time with her. Her and Jimi both. But it would have to wait.

"I'm sorry poppet..." I replied. "I have to take care of Papa and I might get you sick..." Tigs glanced over at Roger and he coughed really hard. Her eyes went wide at the sight and the sound and she returned her eyes to me. She looked worried. 

"Is he okay?" she asked me. Roger waved to her and managed a small smile. 

"I'll be okay...." Roger forced the words out in a scratchy throttled voice. Despite how bad he sounded it seemed to appease our daughter. She smiled back at him and waved. Winnie bent down towards her.

"Why don't you blow him a kiss?" Winnie suggested. Tigs wore a tender smile and turned back to look at Roger. She lifted her hand up to her mouth and blew him a sweet kiss. Roger smiled at her affection and lifted his hand and blew one back. Tigs was tickled by his gesture. I blew her one as well and got one in return. Winnie smiled at me as she held onto her grandchild. "Come along dear...Papa needs his rest..." she told her. I waved goodbye as they both disappeared from the room. I sighed and walked over to get the food tray from the table. I was happy to see two cups of tea. I was grateful she thought of me. There was some chicken soup for Roger and a sandwich for me.

"Your mother made you chicken soup..." I told Roger as I carried the tray to the table by the bed. Roger made a face as he tossed another tissue in the bin.

"Not hungry..." he mumbled out. 

"You need to try and eat it..." I said and brought the bowl of soup over in my hands to him. "You need to take your medicine and it will go better on a full stomach..." Roger frowned at me. 

"I don't like it..." he whined to me. I know he hates the cough medicine but he has to have it. I felt like I was taking care of a six year old. It has been ages since Roger was really ill and I forget he is basically a grumpy baby when sick. 

"No one likes it Rog...but you have to have it..." I lectured. I took a seat at the edge of the bed with the soup. "Just eat it..." I commanded. Roger lifted up from the pillows and opened his mouth. Apparently if he was going to eat it, I would have to spoon feed it to him. I gave in. "Fine...I'll feed you...I'm just glad your children aren't seeing this..." I said with annoyance and Roger almost grinned despite feeling terrible. I sighed and lifted a spoonful to his mouth. He dutifully accepted it and swallowed it down. I sat and repeated this until he ate the small bowlful. I got up and sat the bowl down and reached for his cough syrup. Roger looked at me like I was trying to hurt him. I almost smirked at how dramatic he was being. 

"Ugh...." he groaned. I hadn't even given him the bloody syrup yet and he was already complaining. 

"Open wide!" I said to him like the baby he is being. He grimaced before he finally accepted his fate and opened his mouth. I slid the spoon in and he made a gagging face as he swallowed. We repeated the process and he kept his scowl. "Trust me...you'll be glad you had it...you can get some sleep..." I said compassionately. I got off the bed and cleaned up around the area. Roger was still coughing a bit as I emptied his bin full of soiled tissues. I got a warm wet cloth and came in and leaned over and wiped his face and mouth. He looked appreciative and I ran my hand over his cheek. 

"Thanks babe...gonna try and sleep..." Roger mumbled to me. I nodded understanding and helped him get comfortable. He closed his eyes and looked really tired. I hoped the medicine would keep his cough at bay so he could really rest. He had been up half the night. After turning off the lamp by the bed I walked over and took a seat on the couch in our sitting area. I was grateful for the space we had right now. I could take care of him and also relax while he rested without disturbing him. I turned the television on a low volume and looked for something to watch. As I looked at the guide the telephone rang. We had a private line installed in our bedroom and study when we moved in. I had turned the ringer down and quickly picked up so as not to wake Roger.

"Hello..."

"Hi Brian...it's Ronnie..." This was unusual for her to call. It was always Deacy.

"Hey Ronnie..." 

"I wanted to call to let you know that John is sick..." This explained her calling instead of Deacy. I guess Roger wasn't the only one stricken with the flu.

"I guess that makes two..." I replied. "Roger is sick in bed...he has the flu..." I informed her. 

"Did he see a doctor?" she asked. 

"Yes...he went yesterday and they called today with his test result..."

"Well I guess I need to get John in for a test then..." she remarked. "How is Roger doing?" she asked. 

"He's pretty ill...fever, body aches and a nasty cough..." 

"Much worse than John...but maybe it's early days..." Ronnie commented. 

"I hope he has a mild case...give him our best..." I replied. 

"Tell Roger we're thinking of him too...take care..." I hung up with Veronica and wondered if Freddie was sick. Was any of the crew ill as well? There had been a lot of influenza in the past several years. The swine flu had run rampant. And some controversy about the vaccines offered. I considered asking Roger if he had read much about it in his medical journals. I got up and went to check on him and was pleased to see him sound asleep but there was a faint wheeze when he breathed and it worried me. 

29th December 1979

"I'm fine dear...I just hope poor Deacy and Roger get better soon...do you think you'll be going to that New Years party?" Freddie questioned. I was relieved to hear Freddie was okay but was pretty sure Roger wouldn't recover in time for the party. Status Quo was throwing a big bash and had invited a lot of people in the business. Roger was keen to go because he had become pretty friendly with Rick Parfitt. I figured I may have to call and tell them we weren't coming.

"If he isn't better by morning I'll call Rick..." I informed Freddie. 

"I was thinking about flying to New York to celebrate..." Freddie advised me. "My friends there have something planned and I might go and Paul said he could accompany me. I might see Joe when I am there..." I knew Freddie had shifted gears with the crowd of people he preferred to spend his free time with these days. He was really embracing being single and gay. He and Joe had been a thing but it had cooled off and Joe went back to the states. Paul Prenter had become a constant companion of late. I guess I was glad he had friends. I didn't want him to be alone.

"If you're worried about us...it's okay...go ahead and enjoy yourself...have a safe trip..." I told him.

"Alright...but do call if things get worse...I can always hop the Concorde if need be..." I smiled at the image of Freddie lounging in first class on the luxury plane. He must love it! 

"I promise I will keep in touch..." I assured him. "Bye..." I hung up and went to check on Roger. I was happy to see him awake and sitting up in bed. "Good news...Fred isn't sick...but a few of the crew have it..." I updated Roger. He picked up a glass of water and took a drink and I could tell it hurt to swallow. I cringed a little watching him.

"How is Deaks?" he asked me as he set the glass down. His voice is so rough. I hate it.

"Ronnie said he is a little better...he doesn't have the coughing like you do so but he is pretty wiped out..." I sat on the edge of the bed and ran my hand up Roger's leg. Trying to offer some comfort. 

"How did you sleep?" I asked. Before he could answer he started coughing again. It sounded jarring and made me anxious. I got up and grabbed some tissues for him. He took them and leaned over to cough some more. It was a few minutes before he finally stopped. My stomach twisted a little as I watched him struggle. Roger tried to clear his throat before he spoke. It was an effort.

"Okay..." he managed to say to me. "Hurts..." he said as he patted his upper chest. My anxiety rose at hearing this. I went and sat down next to him and placed my hand on his chest. The wheezing was more apparent since I was closer and my pulse quickened. 

"Are you having any trouble breathing?" I questioned. Roger didn't seem to know. He looked confused as he took a deep breath. I could hear it in his chest. "I think you need to go back to the doctor..." I suggested. Roger shook his head at me. 

"No...I'll be fine..." he said in a strangled voice. I hated this and couldn't take it any more. I ignored his opinion and walked to the telephone and called Dr. Roberts office. I was transferred to his nurse and told her about Roger's cough and wheezing and his mention of pain. The nurse told me to wait for Dr. Roberts to call me back. I knew the doctor was probably at home and they needed to contact him. A few minutes later my phone rang.

"Brian...it's Dr. Roberts...based on what you said to my nurse he needs to get an x-ray...since you live so far out I want you to take him to the hospital in Guilford for a follow up..." he instructed. "I will call them to make the arrangements..." I was glad to hear he wanted to do something. Anything. 

"Okay...I'll get him there...." I replied. Dr. Roberts told me to take him to the A&E entrance and explain our appointment when we arrived. I knew Roger wasn't going to be happy about this but I couldn't take any chances. I was afraid he might have pneumonia. I hung up and walked back to the bed. "Rog...we need to go get you an x-ray..." I advised him. He looked irritated at the news.

"I told you...I'll be fine..." he tried to convince me. As soon as he said it the cough returned. It took several minutes to clear up and as I stood and watched I saw him recognize that maybe getting checked again was a good idea. "Okay..." he finally conceded and I picked up the phone and called the other phone line in the house. I saw it was around 8pm and knew the kids were in bed.

"Hello..." I was glad Clare answered.

"It's me...I wanted to let you know I am taking Rog to the hospital for an x-ray..." I informed her. 

"Is he worse?" she asked with concern. 

"He said he has some pain and there is a wheezing sound when he breathes...I called Dr. Roberts and he said he wanted him to get one..." 

"Do you want me to go with you?" she asked. I appreciated the offer and knew Mia was caring for the kids now. Clare was trying to remove herself from their daily routine. If she got sick she wasn't caring for them and Winnie and Trevor had stayed on since Roger got sick. Winnie was too worried to leave her son.

"If you don't mind..." I replied. 

"I'll go warm up the car..." Clare responded. I was grateful for her help. 

"Thanks...I'll get him up and we will be down soon..." I advised. We hung up and I returned to get Roger up and dressed. He was already sitting up and had pulled the blankets off his body.

"Do you think you can get dressed?" I asked him. Roger shook his head and I helped him stand up from the bed. I could see he was weak and he slumped against me a bit. I got my arm around him and we made it to the bathroom. He drank some water and I helped him use the toilet and wash up. I was certain he didn't have the energy for dressing and then getting downstairs so we opted for his robe and slippers. We made slow work of leaving the room and descending the stair case. Winnie was standing several feet away in the hallway as we reached the front door.

"Clare told me you're going to hospital..." she said. "Roger I know you dislike hospitals...but please do whatever they say dear...you look terrible..." Winnie told him with real worry in her voice. She broke the rules and came up to us and ran her hand through his dirty tousled hair to fix it a little. 

"I promise..." Roger said to her quietly as I got his coat on him. She smiled at him and kissed her fingers and then pressed it to his fevered cheek. I could tell she was a little emotional. 

"Call me when you know something..." she requested. I nodded to her and we took off out the door as she came up behind me to close it for us. "I love you.." she called after us. We made it to the car and I helped Roger get in the back seat where he laid down. I found a blanket, a box of tissues, a paper bag and some water waiting for us. Clare was seated in the driver's seat and I got in next to her after covering Roger up.

"Go ahead and drive..." I asked and she nodded and we took off for Guilford. It was a quiet drive as Roger laid in back and was half awake. The A&E wasn't too busy and I got Roger's NHS card out and went to the receptionist. She did have his name down and handed me the usual clipboard with papers to complete. I sat and filled them out as Clare let Roger lean against her in the waiting room chairs. A few other people there appeared sick with something similar. The room was constantly filled with the sound of coughing. Roger managed to only have one spell before he was called back. The nurse had a wheelchair and I helped him get seated before she wheeled him back and disappeared to the X-Ray department. Now Clare and I waited. I saw a coffee machine and got us both something to drink. I came back and handed her a cup.

"Here you go..." I said as I sat down next to her. I wondered how long it would be but needed a distraction. "Don't you have a job interview tomorrow?" I asked her. She smiled and nodded.

"Yes...but it's in the afternoon..." she answered. "Don't worry...he'll be alright..." she told me. I tried to look confident. 

"Let's hope the x-ray is clear and it's just a bad cough..." I said to her earnestly. She reached over and took my hand. 

"He'll be okay..." she said to assure me. And to assure herself. "I have some flats to look at with the agent after my interview..." Clare said to redirect the conversation. I smiled gratefully and was interested in her plans.

"Anywhere in particular?" I asked. She sat up a little straighter. 

"Your old stomping grounds..." she revealed with a warm smile. "There's a place near Holland Park and another closer to Shepherd's Bush..." she advised. Boy did I have some memories in those areas.

"I hope you find something you like...though I am still going to be sad when you actually leave..." I confessed. Clare leaned close to me and kissed my cheek. 

"I hope you can find a way to be happy for me..." she asked. I was happy for her. 

"I am happy you are spreading your wings..." I said and she grinned at me. 

"You just don't want me to fly away?" she mused and I knew she was referring to Deacy's song. It felt appropriate for this moment. 

"I love you Clare...you have been a big part of my life these past five years..." I told her truthfully. "You've been there for some of the hardest days of my life..." I felt a little emotional. "I cannot tell you how much you've enriched it..." I added. "And you gave me Jimi..." I whispered. Clare seemed calm but then her lip slightly quivered and she suddenly wiped away a tear that had not fallen. 

"You did tell me Brian...in song..." she reminded me. I still didn't feel it was enough. No amount of money or trips or gifts was enough to repay what she gave me. Gave me and Roger both.

"I will never feel I've equaled your gift to me Clare..." I finally said to her. "But I promise you this...you will always have a place with us...a home...and if you ever decide you want to move back...you are always welcome..." She leaned into me and I pulled her in for a hug. We just held each other and were silent for a minute. 

"She's leaving home..." Clare quietly sang to me as we held each other in the waiting room. I loved her poetic choice of a Beatles song to break the weight of the moment. And so I responded in kind with a line of my own.

"Bye....bye...." 

30th December 1979

"He doesn't have pneumonia..." I told Freddie. "We brought him home and he has a breathing treatment he has to do...but the doctor felt it should keep him from getting it..." 

"That's a relief...it's only a few weeks before we're back in Munich..." Freddie commented. "I hope his voice is back..." I did too. He sounded awful and wasn't up to speaking on the phone despite Freddie wanting to talk to him. 

"That should be enough time to get him back in shape..." I replied. "I need to go...it's time for his breathing treatment..." I heard Freddie giggle in the phone.

"Alright Dr. May..." he teased. "Or is that nurse?" he asked. "Are you wearing some naughty uniform while you take care of him?' he questioned with amusement and a touch of hope at something illicit.

"Goodbye Fred..." I told him and heard him giggle again as I hung up. I walked back over to the bed and found Roger holding up a piece of paper. It was the invitation to the New Year's party. 

"Call and cancel..." he told me in a scratchy voice. I felt bad and could see his clear disappointment. He was looking forward to the party. I took the invitation from him.

"Alright...sorry you're going to miss out..." I told him as I stood at his bedside. "You ready for your treatment?" I asked. Roger shrugged and looked indifferent. I know he is tired of being sick. I left the bed and went to the bathroom to prepare his treatment. I picked up the apparatus and opened the cap to put the medicine inside. I got it sealed and then carried it to Roger in bed. He took it from me and placed the clear plastic mask over his nose and mouth and inserted the tube between his lips. He slowly squeezed the bulb and the fine mist came out for him to breathe. I watched as he emptied the contents and inhaled the medication. When he finished I took it from him and carried it to the bathroom sink to wash. I got it cleaned up and laid on the towel to dry. I went back in to find Roger sipping some water. He put the glass down.

"Tastes awful.." he mumbled to me. I nodded understanding and took a seat on my side of the bed and Roger instantly leaned into my side. I pulled him close and wrapped my arm around him. 

"You seem better today...I think the medicine is helping..." I pointed out to him. He didn't answer and just rested his head against my chest. His fever was finally gone. It was progress. "I know you're tired of being sick...hopefully you'll be up and about in a few days..." I said to encourage him. I ran my free hand through his hair to comfort him.

"I miss the kids..." Roger finally spoke and sounded sad. I pressed him closer.

"They miss you too..." I assured him.

"At least you're not sick..." Roger managed to say without sounding too awful. His voice was still really rough.

"No...I can't get sick...I have to take care of you..." I pointed out to him. "Besides...I've had my turn with being sick and you nursing me...so now it's your turn..." I said with a smile. 

"I guess we're even..." Roger mumbled. I loved that he had managed to keep some part of his humor during all this. 

"Well...if you're keeping score Rog...I think I still owe you..." I remarked. Roger actually managed a mild snicker. 

"Good to know..." he answered. I heard some knocking on the door.

"Come in..." I shouted. Clare opened the door and stepped inside. Since Roger had broke his fever we figured it was okay if they came in but not too close. Winnie and Trevor left to drive home since he was improving. Clare walked over and stood a few feet away.

"How are you feeling Dodger?" Clare asked him and used his nickname as a term of endearment. 

"Better..." he replied in his cracked voice. Clare smiled at his answer.

"I have some news..." she said and I was certain it was about her plans. "I was offered that job I interviewed for..." she announced. I was happy for her and smiled widely.

"That's wonderful!" I told her. "Congratulations!" Clare looked quite pleased. Roger managed a smile for her. 

"When do you start?" Roger asked her. He sound a bit better and I felt the medication actually was helping.

"Two weeks..." she replied. That wasn't long. I knew the time had come to talk to the kids and for us to prepare to say goodbye. 

"Did you find a place you liked?" I asked her. She grinned at us.

"I did actually...it happens to be on the same street you used to live on..." This was an interesting coincidence. "It's on Addison Road..." Roger and I shared a look of sentiment at her news. It was a good neighborhood and a safe walk to the tube station. Things were quickly falling into place.

"I guess you'll be moving soon?" I asked her. Clare bit her bottom lip before she answered.

"The flat is available now...I move in a week..." she confirmed. We were all silent as we accepted the fact that she would be gone in a weeks time. Clare started to fidget and looked back at the door. "I'll let you get some rest..." she said and turned to leave. She began walking out.

"I'm happy for you Bear..." Roger said and Clare stopped and turned back and smiled at him. She didn't say a word and turned around and left. Roger buried his face in my chest and I knew he was crying. I felt the sting of tears myself. I held him to me and let him fall asleep as we both imagined how different things would be in just a week's time.

31st December 1979

Roger seemed to turn a corner overnight. He was breathing better and seemed perkier. For the first time since he became ill he managed a shower and a shave. I hovered nearby to make sure he had the strength to handle it. After his breathing treatment, he got dressed and I took advantage of him being out of bed and changed the bedclothes. Clare brought in some lunch she was thrilled to see him up and about. 

"You look much better..." she commented as she left us both a tray. "Is it alright if the children come see you?" she asked. "They've been on me all morning about it..." Since Roger had been fever free a few days and his cough was better this morning I figured we were okay. We shared a look between us and both nodded agreement.

"Yes..." Roger told her. "We need to talk to them...about you..." he said. Clare shared a knowing look with us before she disappeared and I took a seat next to Roger as I sat the food tray down in front of us. We opted to ignore our food for the moment as we anticipated having a difficult conversation with our children.

Mia came in holding Jimi and Tiger Lily rushed past her and headed straight for us on the sofa. Roger opened his arms to her and she went straight for him. 

"Hey princess..." Roger said to her. His voice was still terrible but it didn't seem as hard for him to speak. An improvement. Tiger Lily wrapped her arms around him and Roger smiled at feeling her comfort.

"Are you better Papa?" she asked him as she pulled back and looked at him with her curious eyes.

"I'm getting there..." Roger replied. Mia came up and sat Jimi down and he toddled over to my side. I made room for him to climb up between Roger and myself. Jimi managed to scale the sofa and I let him take my hand to finish the climb. 

"Hey little man...." Roger said to him and Jimi stood up on the cushion and launched himself into his Papa. Roger made a sound like the wind was knocked out of him but I knew it was for play. He was so happy to see them. Tiger Lily got down and came over to me. I picked her up and put her in my lap as Jimi got some closer attention from Roger. 

"They've missed you..." Mia remarked as she watched our reunion. Clare came into the room and I waved her over. She took a seat on the chair next to us and Mia went to leave.

"Stay..." I told her. Mia stopped and came back and stood behind the chair Clare was seated in. 

"Hey..." I said to the kids. "We need to tell you something..." I said as I lightly clapped my hands to get their attention. They both turned to look at me. "You know how we all like to go on adventures?" I asked them. Tiger Lily smiled widely and nodded. Jimi just looked up at me. I know it will be harder for him to understand but we will get him there. "Well...Clare is going to go on a new adventure!" I explained to them. Tigs looked over at Clare wearing an excited expression. Clare smiled back. 

"She's going to live in the city..." Roger chimed in.

"Can I go too?" Tigs asked. 

"No...this is an adventure that Clare is going on by herself..." I explained. "She wants to make some new friends and see the world..." Tigs looked confused by this and looked over at Clare.

"If she goes to the city who will take care of me?" she asked. 

"Mimi is going to take care of you..." Clare announced and used the name the children gave Mia. "She is going to be your nanny..." Tiger Lily seemed to take a minute to process the information. She looked over at Clare again.

"So I won't see you anymore?" Tigs asked her. 

"Of course you will!" Clare responded. "I'll will be in my own place but I will come back to visit...and maybe when I'm settled you can come see..." she explained. "Would you like to come see me in the city?" Clare asked her. Tiger Lily nodded excitedly at the prospect. She slid off my lap and walked over to Clare. Her Aunt pulled her into her arms and held her close. 

"Will you have a puppy?" Tigs asked her. We all laughed at her question. Tiger Lily is so set on having a puppy. Clare shrugged at her. 

"Not at first...but I might get a puppy or a kitten later..." she answered. "Maybe when I get one you can help me pick one out..." I loved Clare's handling of the situation. Instead of this being a sad occasion she has made it something for Tigs to look forward to. I know Jimi won't really grasp it all but Mia had made a point to form a quick bond with him so the transition would be easier.

"Is it okay if Mia is your new nanny?" Roger asked Tigs. She looked like she was thinking about it and then looked over at Mia and smiled at her.

"Yes...I like Mimi..." Tiger Lily answered. It was what we hoped to hear and we all shared satisfied smiles. Clare turned and looked up at Mia behind her. 

"I do too..." Clare concurred. "I like Mimi too..." 

\--------------------

We spent the rest of the day talking about Clare's plans. After Roger had an afternoon nap, he felt good enough to go downstairs and had some dinner with the entire family. Mia got the children ready for bed. At some point we remembered it was New Years Eve. Once the children were asleep we adults gathered in the living room and had an early toast to the coming year and a new decade. No one was confident about being awake at midnight. It had been a tiring week.

I poured some wine for myself, Clare and Mia and Roger opted for a wine glass of orange juice. I raised my glass at them all.

"Here is to new adventures!" I toasted and everyone grinned at the term we had used earlier today to explain why Clare was leaving.

"It's a new year and a new decade..." Clare commented after we all took a sip of wine. "Anyone have any resolutions for the coming year or coming decade?" she asked. I had honestly not given it much thought. Roger looked like he had.

"My resolution is to finally get one of my songs as an A side!" Roger declared. It felt like a reasonable goal. We both touched glasses and took another sip. After we finished Roger kept his eye on me. "No resolutions Bri?" he asked in a voice that still broke up a bit from his cough. I shrugged at him. I felt like I had accomplished so much in the last 10 years. I was happy and actually felt good about the future. It gave me my resolution. 

"I resolve to be happy...." I announced. It seemed like something they could each relate to. Mia raised her glass up in the air.

"To happiness!" she declared. We all raised our glasses in response and repeated her toast. As I took a sip I glanced at Roger and found him looking at me. My happiness was looking right back at me and I hoped that I could look into those beautiful eyes for the next decade and for the rest of my life.


	119. Light Another Cigarette...and Let Yourself Go...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FYI - I am not British and only have a basic knowledge of the school systems. Please remember this is fiction!

10 January 1980

Surrey

Roger's POV

I wanted a cigarette desperately but fought the urge as I watched Brian on the telephone. He was looking up at me and I knew he could tell I was struggling. Since I had been ill for almost two weeks I had not had a cigarette. Brian asked me to consider this as an opportunity to try and quit. Being a smoker had made my cough much worse and it took me longer to get over it. My voice was still recovering though I sounded more like myself. I was concerned about it being in good form for our return to recording next month in Munich. But right now we were dealing with something more important. 

"Yes...it has to be two dozen tiger lilies...." Brian told the florist on the phone. He was tapping his fingers on his desk as he spoke. "Is that doable?" he asked them. I watched him listen to their answer and hoped it could be arranged. Brian looked up at me and nodded. "Thank you...and I understand the extra cost...that isn't a problem..." he replied in the phone. "I need the card to read as follows: 'With love from Tiger Lily' ..." I picked up my glass of water and took a large drink as Brian listened to the florist. "That's it...yes...and send the bill to the address I gave you...thanks..." Brian hung up the phone and smiled at me.

"So it's all set?" I asked. He nodded as he stood up and walked over to me. We embraced each other and Brian sighed. 

"It's a shame we can't go...but I understand why she asked us not to...it makes sense..." 

"At least we got the flowers we wanted..." I replied. 

"You okay?" he asked me for the millionth time. I am okay. But I am sad. When Angie, Tiger Lily's Great Aunt, called to tell us Ellie died it wasn't entirely unexpected. She was terminally ill and had lived longer than we would have thought. Angie told us the funeral plans but then asked that we not attend. She was afraid it would generate questions and someone might recognize us. We didn't want anything to take away from the service so we opted to not go. Brian had called to confirm the funeral time and then contacted a florist to arrange for a large bouquet of tiger lilies to be sent as a tribute to our daughter's grandmother. Now it was arranged so we would try and move past this moment. 

"I am good...really..." I assured him. "A death is not exactly how I wanted the new year to begin..." I explained. Brian knew what I meant. With so many good things happening for us it felt extra sad. We shared a brief kiss and Brian pulled away to go check on the kids. I wrung my hands a bit as I tried not to think of having a smoke and wondered if there were any biscuits in the kitchen.

11th January 1980

"Are you ready?" I asked my daughter as we got out of the car at her new school. She was wide eyed as we surveyed the building and the grounds. We had found a new school that we felt might be a good fit for her. I hated the idea of my child going to some posh institution but Brian had received a solid education at a fee paying school and wasn't too affected by it. His parents didn't have a lot of money and he attended on scholarship. I myself had gone to the cathedral school in Truro and it too had been on scholarship. I couldn't truly knock the system entirely but didn't want my child becoming one of those horrid people who looked down on people of less financial standing than herself. We also didn't want her drowned in a sea of heavy religious indoctrination. The fact that most religions considered homosexuality heresy would only upset and confuse her. I took her hand as we walked into the building and went to the admissions office. I still felt bad that Brian wasn't here. We had talked about it and decided it was best that I take her on my own. If he was there it would result in a lot of questions that we weren't prepared to answer. When Tigs had gone to the school near our former home Clare had been the one who was the main contact. It was the local school and a nanny wasn't something anyone batted an eye at. Since this was a different type of school we had to apply and I knew I needed to be the one there on her first day.

"Good morning!" an older woman greeted us with a cheerful smile. "How can I help you?" she asked. I pulled the letter from my pocket and handed it to her.

"My daughter starts today..." I explained. She nodded as she looked over the letter and guided us to an office. She purposely spoke to my daughter instead of me. 

"Well Miss Taylor....if you and your father could have a seat I will get Miss Adams to help you get settled....welcome to Faircroft..." she said to her. Tigs just stared at her as the woman left the office. 

"Is she my teacher?" she asked me. I shook my head. 

"No...she is just the secretary..." I explained. Tigs looked curious.

"What's a secer-turary? she asked back and fumbled up the word. I smiled at her pronunciation. 

"It's sec...re...tary...." I said and sounded it out for her. "She helps run the school...she's a bit of a nanny to the headmistress..." I added to put things in her perspective. Tigs giggled at my description. A nice looking woman arrived at the door wearing a broad smile.

"Good morning Mr. Taylor...I'm Wendy Adams...I'm headmistress...we spoke on the phone I believe..." I smiled back at her. She appeared to be a bit young for the job but I liked that someone youthful was running things. I hoped some of the old guard mentality I'd seen in my school days might be avoided. 

"That's right...you spoke to my sister, Clare, first and then we spoke...this is my daughter Tiger Lily..." Miss Adams held out her hand and greeted my daughter in a friendly voice.

"It's lovely to meet you Tiger Lily...I'm Miss Adams..." she said and Tiger Lily accepted her hand. They shook and Miss Adams gestured for us to sit down. She opened up a folder she carried in with her and looked it over. She then looked up at my daughter as we got comfortable in the leather chairs on the other side of the desk. "It seems your paperwork is in order...we received the information from her previous school...I know she didn't attend there very long..." she remarked. 

"We were moving not long after she started and then I had a business trip and decided to take her with me..." I told her to explain her absence. Miss Adams gave me a knowing look.

"I'll let you know that I am aware of who you are Mr. Taylor..." she remarked. "I am familiar with Queen and I find your music engaging...it's really different..." I appreciated her compliment. Before I could answer my daughter chimed in on the conversation.

"My Papa is a Queen..." Tiger Lily suddenly announced to Miss Adams. To my delight Miss Adams only laughed and looked me in the eye. She seemed to not take in the potential context of my daughter's choice of words. At least I hoped not.

"Yes...your Papa is in Queen..." Miss Adams agreed and wore an amused expression as she reached for a paper on her desk. "Now...I just need to get some contact information for our file...it's important we have this...especially since I know you travel for business..." she said as she wore her amusement. "If you could just list the people we could reach out to if there was an emergency and you weren't available..." she requested. I picked up a pen and began to fill in the blanks. I listed Mia as the main contact and indicated she was the nanny. I then paused as I considered how to put down Brian or his parents. Since my mother didn't live nearby I hesitated to list her. In a real emergency they could get in touch with Clare. The closest people to our home though were the May's. I decided I was paying for this school and they would need to accept what I asked. I wrote in Clare's information but also listed Brian and his parents as alternate contacts. I handed her the paper and she skimmed it before sliding it into the folder. A young woman knocked on the open door and Miss Adams smiled at her.

"Mr. Taylor....Tiger Lily...this is Mrs. Webb...she will be showing you around the school and will take you to your class today..." Miss Adams informed us. "Since she is in her first year...she will only have one teacher..." she explained. "I've assigned her to Miss Page..." We all exchanged greetings and Miss Adams stood up from her desk chair. "If you're ready to start your day Tiger Lily then Mrs. Webb will show you around..." We left the small office and walked out to the school hallway. It was quiet and classes were already in session. I squatted down to give my daughter a hug. 

"You go with Mrs. Webb and you can meet your teacher Miss Page..." I explained to her. "Have a good day and you can tell me all about it when I pick you up later..." Tigs nodded understanding and I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. She turned and took Mrs. Webb's hand and I waved to her as they began their journey down the hallway. I stood up as they left and Miss Adams gestured for me to return with her to the office. She led me into her actual office and I took a seat at her main desk. It was a traditional looking headmaster office and saw her diploma on the wall. 

"Now that we are alone...I have a few questions..." she stated and placed her hands together on top of her desk as she looked at me. This statement made me wish I had a cigarette. My fingers twitched at the thought. "We do have quite a few children that attend our school with high profile parents...many of whom are in the entertainment field..." I wondered where she was headed with this statement. She smiled warmly at me. "My experience has been that people in the artistic world tend to live unusual lifestyles..." I felt some judgement getting ready to occur and began to think this school may have been a bad idea. Fuck - I really could use a smoke right now! 

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I asked her. She kept her warm smile.

"I want to assure you I am not being judgmental in any way...I want to express my understanding that your lives are different from the norm...and not always in a bad way..." I was curious what her ideas about different were exactly. 

"Care to clarify what you mean by different?" I requested. 

"Different as in your work lives can cause disruptions to a normal school schedule...and we try to be flexible about this....it is our desire that you see your child as much as possible so we understand there are times you might take your children with you on trips....we will try to work with you about their studies to keep them on track...." It was good to hear they understood this facet or our career choice. 

"That's good to know...thank you..." I replied sincerely. 

"We also value your child's privacy as well as your own...we have strict policies about anyone trying to see or have contact with our students....especially those whose parent's are in the public eye...." This was something else that was encouraging to know. 

"Wonderful!" I concurred with a smile of my own. She nodded agreement.

"It is also important that we recognize that the family dynamic is changing in these modern times...and we want to be sensitive to this...many of our students have parents who are divorced or are even single parents...." she explained with compassion. "Our staff is trained to deal with these situations and how to support children from these non-traditional settings...as you know...many people in the entertainment field have alternative lifestyles...our staff is required to maintain confidentiality about a child's home setting and support that child as they learn and grow...I only bring this up because I know that Tiger Lily's mother has passed away and you rely on your family and friends to assist in caring for her..." she remarked. "As you might have seen in your school days....these different home situations were often folly for teasing and bullying...this is something we will not tolerate at Faircroft..." 

Miss Adams couldn't have chosen better words to convince me we had made the right choice for a school. They were progressive in their thinking and were trying to change the way schools operated from my younger days. 

"I am really glad to hear this...when we spoke on the phone I had a good feeling about this place...now I know my instincts were right..." 

"Wonderful! I think your daughter will enjoy her learning experience here....our day program is above par and if she never needs to consider boarding with us...just let us know..." Miss Adams replied. "Did you have any questions for me?" she asked. In light of what she said I felt comfortable sharing some of the home dynamics we had with her. 

"Not a question...but for the record..." I began. "You are right about unusual home situations...and ours is just that..." I explained. "I am raising Tiger Lily with the help of my sister, mother, a nanny and also my best friend..." I advised her. "My friend, Brian, has a child with my sister...and we decided to raise them together..." Miss Adams didn't seen surprised or taken aback by the news. She remained focused on my words and appeared neutral so I continued. "To be honest...Brian lives in the same house as me along with his son Jimi...and we are both using the same nanny..." I watched her for any reaction but she just kept listening. "Since we share the house and the nanny...the kids pretty much feel like siblings...and Tiger Lily tends to view Brian like another parent..." I waited for any reaction. She just smiled at me.

"I appreciate you sharing your situation with me Mr. Taylor..." she responded and sounded sincere. "I take it we can expect Tiger Lily then to refer to them as family when we ask her about her life?" I was grateful she was accepting of the information. 

"Yes...she sees Jimi almost like a brother..." I told her carefully. "So she would refer to them as family..." Miss Adams opened up her file and jotted some notes down. She closed it and we both stood and shook hands and she walked me out towards the school exit. 

"Thank you for helping me know what I need to about your family so we can create an accepting environment for your daughter..." I left the school feeling like everything might actually fall into place with my girl and smiled as I got into my car to drive home. I couldn't wait to report this to Brian. I felt like celebrating and immediately wished I could have a smoke right now as I sighed and tried to focus on holding the steering wheel instead of holding a cigarette.

\-------------------------------

1st February 1980

Munich Germany

"What do you want to do tonight?" Brian asked me as I came out of the shower in our hotel suite. We had arrived in Munich earlier today and were meeting the band at Musicland Studios tomorrow to finish recording our new album. 

"What I really want is a cigarette..." I confessed to him. "That man next to us on the plane smoked the whole bloody flight..." I whined. I ran my towel over my chest and made a grumpy face at my husband. Brian was leaning against the bathroom counter and gave me a sympathetic look. 

"How about we go on a date...get your mind off of smoking..." he suggested. It sounded good to me. Nice actually. We hadn't been on a date in ages. I smiled at his offer.

"Alright..." I answered. Brian walked over and took my towel and helped me dry my back. 

"We can do whatever you want..." he told me. I knew instantly what I wanted. 

"Can we go see a film?" I asked. Brian smiled and finished drying my back and shoulders and handed me the towel. 

"I'll call the concierge to see what cinema is nearby..." Brian responded. A newfound happiness came over me as I began hurrying to get around. Suddenly quite excited at the prospect and distracted from my craving for some nicotine. 

We left the hotel and took a taxi since it was snowing. The cinema wasn't too far and we were soon in line to buy tickets. I glanced at the marquee and the film posters and was excited to finally see the Australian film Mad Max. I never had time when it was released earlier last year and it was still showing in Munich. It was my kind of movie. Fast cars and a futuristic setting.

Brian grabbed us some drinks and popcorn and we went into the theater. There were just a few people at this evening showing and we got comfortable in some optimum seats. I grabbed the popcorn from him and began eating it. Brian watched me and reached over for his own bite as I tried to keep most of it for myself. The lights dimmed and the film previews started. I was really enjoying the popcorn and grateful for something to do with my hands. I did notice one of the other patrons smoking several rows away from us. My body almost twitched as I casually observed the man enjoying his cigarette. I watched his face as he inhaled and savored the smoke that he exhaled. I could smell it as well. My body ached for a cigarette. I shoveled some more popcorn in my mouth as the main feature started. The opening scene pulled me in and I knew I would like this movie. The opening titles came up on the screen and to my complete surprise as well as my husbands, we both noted the name of the composer on the film. It was Brian May!

Brian and I shared raised eyebrows and I suddenly knew I was going to enjoy this film even more than I thought before. There were loads of car chases and it was pretty violent. For a low budget film though I found it intense and a lot of fun. It ended and we were both in a good mood as we headed out of the cinema and discovered the snow had really picked up. We managed to hail a taxi and made the slow trudge back to the hotel. I loved watching the heavy snow come down as we rode along. Despite the cold it was beautiful to see it. We arrived and walked through the lobby. I was reminded yet again of abandoned habit as I observed many people with cigarettes in their mouths or hands. That twitch returned and I knew sticking to this idea of quitting was only going to get tougher. 

"It was so odd that the film composer had the same name as me..." Brian commented as we rode the lift. I ran my hands together as they felt naked without a cigarette in them and tried to focus on the conversation.

"I hope it's not a problem if we actually do that film music for Flash Gordon..." I said back. We had been approached about doing some songs for a film and were interested in the offer. Jim Beach was finalizing the deal for us. 

"That composer is probably Australian so I doubt we would get mixed up..." Brian answered. I became silent as I thought about how much I wanted to smoke. Needed to have just one. It would help me sleep. It would help me relax. I noticed I was wringing my hands again.

"You want a cigarette...don't you?" Brian asked. I looked up at him and nodded. Brian reached over and ran his hand over mine. It felt good to have something to hold so I grabbed it. I laced our fingers together and stood in silence until the lift door opened. Brian peered out the door and found the hallway empty so he kept hold of my hand as we walked to the suite. "There is some chocolate in the room you could eat if you think that might help..." Brian suggested as he opened our door.

"Sounds good..." I agreed. We got inside and I got my wet coat and shoes off as Brian went to his bag and pulled out a box of chocolate bites. I filled a glass of water for myself and took a seat on the sofa in the room as Brian came over and handed me the box. "Thanks..." I told him. He disappeared into the bathroom. I turned on the television and used the remote to see what was on. I popped one of the chocolate bites in my mouth and appreciated the nice smooth flavor and grabbed another. The only thing of interest on the television was a talk program but I immediately noted both of the people on screen were smoking. I shoved the second bite of chocolate in my mouth and felt like this was going to be a losing battle. I sighed and shut the tv off and felt like throwing the remote across the room. I dropped it on the table and reached for another chocolate. 

2nd February 1980

The telephone rang as we finished the last of our late lunch in our room. I got up to answer it as I wiped my mouth and hands.

"Hello..."

"It's Crystal....you ready for the studio?" he asked me. I was ready to get some work done. I hoped staying busy there would help me ignore my cravings. Though the thought of working without my smokes felt foreign and a little daunting.

"I am....we are finishing up our lunch and should be there in about an hour..." I reported to my drum tech. "Remember...I need you not to smoke in front of me..." I reminded him. I looked up at Brian biting off a piece of a strawberry and he gave me a thumbs up. 

"I remember...don't worry! I told Ratty as well!" Crystal replied. "Do you need me to pick anything up for you to have on hand?" A myriad of options ran through my head. I smiled as I responded to his request.

"Chocolates, gum, licorice, some cokes and make sure I've got some vodka..." I told him. Brian looked alarmed at my supply list. If he wanted me to quit then I needed something to help.

"Alright...see ya!" Crystal hung up and I cradled the phone and walked back to our dining table. Brian pushed his chair back from the table and held his arms out to me. I went and sat in his lap as he pulled me in a for a hug.

"I am proud of you...you're really trying and I know it's tough...but you can do this..." Brian said to me and ran his hand through my hair as I leaned into him. I could smell his lavender soap since he was just out of the shower. It was a nice antidote to my cravings. I nuzzled my face into his hair to enjoy the fragrance and sighed as Brian pulled me back and kissed my gently. "You can do this..." he said to me again and leaned his forehead against mine. "We can ask Mack not to smoke while your around...just until you can handle it better...and since none of the band smokes...well...that should help..." he said with encouragement. "We will get you through this rough patch right now..." he assured me. We shared another kiss and I enjoyed the taste of the strawberries he just ate. I was enjoying the taste of anything to stave my cravings these days. It made me groan at the reality of it.

"I'm afraid this rough patch will cost me in weight..." I argued back to Brian. "If I keep eating at this rate I'm going to get fat..." He chuckled at my complaint and pulled me back from him to look at me. Brian seemed amused by my words.

"So what if you gain a bit....you lost some being sick..." he observed. "Even if you get fat Rog...I'll still love you..." he assured me. It was nice to hear but the thought of gaining some real weight was unappealing and didn't fit with my rock star image. I prided myself on appearance and couldn't imagine having a paunch or a double chin. I also knew Freddie would never let me live it down. It also wasn't fair that Brian was so thin and despite having an enormous appetite at times he didn't seem to gain any weight. I envied him sometimes for it. 

"I appreciate that babe...but the last thing I want is to gain weight...it would make me miserable and I'd probably want a cigarette more than ever..." I admitted to him with a laugh. Brian smiled at my observation and kissed me again. He raised his eyebrow at me and formed a suggestive smile. 

"They say you should burn calories to keep weight off...maybe when we get back from the studio we could work on burning some of those together..." he told me in a flirtatious manner. I grinned at his suggestion and ran my finger across his chin.

"What did you have in mind for this calorie burning?" I teased back. Brian shrugged but kept his devilish smile.

"I thought we could go for a nice swim in the hotel pool..." he said back. I wacked him in the chest. I certainly hoped he would be interested in something involving a bed, not a pool!

"Fuck you!" I said to him but was smirking at his joke. He grabbed my hand.

"Or I could fuck you...that would burn some calories too..." he said and pulled me into a more passionate kiss.

\---------------------

We arrived at Musicland and I tried to avoid seeing all the people in the lobby of the building who were smoking. I thought about some of that licorice and then smiled to myself as I thought about having some intense sex to ease my suffering later tonight. We went down the stairs and headed into the studio. The first person was saw was a friendly non-smoking face so I instantly smiled. Deacy was seated at a table drinking a bottle of coca cola and he looked up and smiled at me. He raised the bottle in my direction.

"Thanks for the coke..." Deacy said to me. I realized he had already raided my stash of coping food and I snarled at him.

"Those are mine Deaks!" I told him in a sharp tone. "I'm trying to quit smoking and I need my food!" I barked. Deacy jumped in his seat at my reaction and then glared over at Crystal. Crystal came up to my side holding a bottle of the cola for me and put his arm around me. 

"Calm down mate! I've bought you two cases to drink....I'll think you'll have enough..." he assured me. I realized I had overreacted and gave Deacy a remorseful face.

"Sorry..." I told him and felt Brian put his hand on my shoulder. "It's been a rough start...." I confessed to Deacy. He smiled at me as I took a drink of the sweet concoction and felt some relief for my irritability. It wasn't nearly a cigarette but it was something. 

"What's been rough?" I heard the familiar voice of our lead singer arrive in the room. It was wonderful to hear him again. I hadn't spoke to him in weeks. Once he knew I was recovering from the flu, he focused on his holiday and disappeared to some island paradise with friends to relax before our session. I turned around to look at him and my mouth dropped open.

"Fuck!" I groaned at the sight of him. Dangling between his fingers was a lit cigarette. He placed it on his lips and pulled in on it and I knew all my efforts to quit might now be in vain. If Freddie had taken up smoking there was no way in hell I would give it up. Could give it up. 

"Are you smoking now?" Brian asked Freddie and the tone in his voice told me exactly what he thought of it. He was not happy. Freddie just glared at Brian and blew out some smoke. 

"What do you care? Roger smokes...so what difference does it make if I do as well?" he argued. Brian looked right at me to say something. To tell Freddie I had quit and to admonish his newly formed habit. But any strength I had about the matter was melting away as I watched my good friend enjoy his cigarette. It looked beautiful and sexy to me and I almost whined at the thought of having one. 

"When did you start smoking?" Deacy asked him in a more curious manner and Freddie smiled at him. His question was definitely the nicer of the two being asked of him. 

"It just happened...I've had the odd cigarette over the years and I guess with being around so many friends who have the habit it's really just been a case of osmosis..." he advised us. 

"Is that mustache another case of osmosis?" Brian said back and I noticed Paul Prenter come into the room and noticed his mustache had grown in a little thicker than he wore it before. It looked quite similar to the style Freddie now had across his upper lip. He also had a cigarette in his hands. 

"Hey fellas!" Paul greeted us all with a friendly tone. "Anyone need anything?' he asked us all. Everyone was looking at him and then back at Freddie. 

"I'm good...thanks!" Deacy answered and got up from his seat to throw away his empty soda bottle. Brian just stood and stared at Freddie and I stared at Freddie's cigarette. There was a sense of tension in the room before it was broken by Mack rushing into the room wearing a broad smile.

"Oh good!" Mack remarked as he found us all together. He rubbed his hands together. "I'm glad you are all here because I have some good news!" he declared. He had our attention and I was curious what he was going to say. 

"What is that dear?" Freddie asked and Mack almost bounced on his feet. 

"I just took a call from EMI....Crazy Little Thing will be number five in America tomorrow!" 

Everyone erupted in excited chatter at the news and we shared some hugs and a real sense of accomplishment. We had enjoyed a few top twenty hits in America but reaching number five was a new milestone for us all. It suddenly seemed like we might actually be able to reach number one if the momentum held. It was a shame we were halfway around the world in Munich instead of making some appearances on American television or doing some radio interviews. But the song had got this far on just its own merit and the promotional video we made.

"I say we postpone any work and head straight for the Shack to celebrate!" Freddie announced to us all. It sounded like a plan to me and most of us seemed in agreement. Mack smiled at us all and gestured for us to head out of the room. Crystal and Ratty hurried ahead of us to arrange for the cars. 

"Gentleman..." he said to us and we all marched from the lounge up the stairs. We got up to the lobby and Freddie wore an expression like he was a cat who had swallowed a mouse. He wrapped his arm around me as we headed out the front doors and looked for the hired cars to ferry us to our favorite nightspot. Brian was behind us talking to Deacy and the others were in tow. 

"I can feel it Roger!" Freddie told me with a smug grin on his face. "I can taste the number one slot in America...it is finally in our grasp!" We stood at the curb in the cold as the doorman walked up to our arriving cars and opened the back door for us. Freddie slid inside and I got in next to him. Brian followed along with Deacy. As the door was shut and Crystal leaned over in the front seat to tell the driver to take off, Freddie leaned over with his packet of cigarettes and held it out to me. "Fancy a smoke darling?" he asked me as I looked at the contraband being offered up to me. 

I glanced over at Brian who was watching everything and then saw him turn and look out the car window with a face that showed me he knew what I was going to do. Despite the disappointment I knew he was feeling right now about me giving in and the disappointment I felt for myself, I reached out and slid one of the slender white sticks of tobacco from the packet and smiled at my dear friend.

"Thanks Freddie...got a light?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - There is an Australian film composer whose name is actually Brian May. If you see a film that lists this name as the composer, don't assume it is our Bri! Our Brian has done work on several films though so you need to do a little research to confirm it is in fact our boy!


	120. Play The Game...Everybody Play The Game - Part 1

27th March 1980

Munich to Surrey

Brian's POV

My father would tell me I have nothing to complain about. Maybe I don't. I mean I've got a successful career and have made loads of money. I really want for nothing these days. I live in a beautiful house on a large estate. I never imagined residing in a place like this. I've been blessed with two wonderful children. A daughter and son who are both healthy and happy. I have an amazingly supportive family despite decisions I've made that are challenging for most parents. And I have Roger. For ten years we have been in love and built a life together that most people dream of. So with all these wonderful things to consider, why do I feel so empty inside when I look out the window into the darkness of the Munich night? On the surface I seem fulfilled. I try to believe that is how I feel. I got everything I ever wanted, right? I shouldn't feel this way. I should be the happiest fucking man on this planet! God - I hate it when I can't sleep!

Despite everything on my list of things that should remind I am a lucky man; the grayness of the skies and the loneliness of being in this place remain. There hasn't been much sun these past weeks. The streets are wet with snow or ice and there is no real color anywhere. The buildings are monochromatic and lacking in personality. At least the ones I see each day around where we are staying and working. It almost feels industrial and antiseptic at times. I miss the colors of home. The golden hair of my children and the striking colors in their eyes. The pink in their cheeks. I need to hear their laughter and see the carefree abandon in their faces. I want to touch their warm soft skin and smell how much they are just children. Baby powder and soap and the essence of milk and biscuits.

I've decided I am not a big fan of winter; especially here in Munich. Between the cold and the miserable weather it isn't ideal. I would take ten days of straight rain stuck in my home over a day of the bleak feeling I have right now. I need to quit looking out in the void of night and occupy my thoughts with something brighter. Because I know better. I've felt this same set of emotions before and know where it leads. So I crept back to the bed and lifted the covers to get back under them. Roger had turned on his side and was facing away from me. Peaceful and content in sleep. As he often is. I envy that. He had always been able to drift off so easily and remain dead to the world all night long. I got comfortable and brought the duvet over my shoulders to warm me up. I looked over at Roger in the low light of the room and tried to remember the good times we've had. Something cheerful to make me smile and have better thoughts as I drifted off. Because I have to shake off this feeling. I have to find my smile and my spirit. Tomorrow is so important and I need to be in a good place for it. I reached out and ran my fingers over Roger's hair. It was grounding and gave a bit of comfort. I closed my eyes and hoped to be a in better place come morning.

28th March 1980

"Want some coffee?" Roger asked me as we waited to board the plane. We had rose pretty early to catch the first flight to London. Despite a heavy workload in the studio we had planned this time off to be home for Jimi's 3rd birthday. I nodded as I yawned at him. Roger grinned at my inability to stop yawning this morning. Sleep had evaded me last night and I hoped to get some on the flight home. Roger disappeared to get us our drinks and I slouched down in my chair. I was too tired to read anything and hoped we wouldn't run into any fans. I figured it was a small chance this time of morning in Germany. I wanted to save my small amount of energy for my children. 

Roger returned and handed me the foam cup. It was robust and did perk me up a little as they called for boarding. We gathered our things and walked over holding out our boarding passes. We just had a small carry on each since it was just a few days at home. After getting settled I asked for a blanket and pillow as Roger pulled out a newspaper he purchased in the airport. I had one last sip of my coffee and wrapped myself in the thin blanket.

"Nothing new on the Iran hostage situation..." Roger commented to me as I leaned in to his side and he read his paper. I didn't care who saw us as I was tired and it was too cold to lean against the window of the plane. 

"They're still captive?" I questioned to him in a sleepy voice. The thought of being held prisoner in a foreign country was terrifying.

"Yeah....and guess what?" Roger replied. "There's a place in Washington state with an active volcano..." It was fascinating but I was fading fast. I simply murmured that I heard him and let my head fall against his shoulder.

\----------------------- 

"Brian...we're landing..." Roger told me as he gently shook me awake. It literally seemed like I had just fallen asleep. I sat up and felt stiff from the awkward position I had slept in. I could stretch once we were off the plane. We were soon deplaning and heading towards the customs area. The wait wasn't long and we found our driver and sped off to Surrey. The anticipation of seeing the children was comforting and a welcome relief from my low mood the night before.

The car dropped us in front of the house and we went inside. Since it was around 9 in the morning we knew everyone would be in the kitchen. Winnie and Trevor had drove up the day before and were seated at the large kitchen table with Mia, Tigs and Jimi having some breakfast. 

"Papa! Daddy!" Tiger Lily cried out when she saw us and bolted from her chair towards us. Jimi was still in a high chair but bounced up and down in his seat at the sight of us both. The sensation of Tiger Lily's arms wrapped around my legs lifted my mood instantly. Her sweet face looking up at me with complete happiness. After kissing and hugging her I went over as Mia helped Jimi out of his chair. He put his arms up towards me and skipped in place excitedly as I wrapped him in my own arms and soaked in his presence. 

"Daddy!" Jimi said in his tender tiny voice and it melted my insides. I nuzzled his head with my cheek and felt like I might cry at how much I needed this. How good he felt. 

"Happy Birthday Jimi!" I told him and kissed his cheek. I felt Roger come up and pull us both into a hug with him.

"Happy birthday Jimi...I can't believe my baby boy is 3!" Roger told him. Jimi wiggled in my arms and reached for Roger so I let him go and watched as he went to his Papa. It was heartening to get some affection from my family and I was soon getting a hug and kiss from Winnie. Trevor and I shook hands and I finally got around to saying hello to Mia. 

"I'm three!" Jimi told us all suddenly and we laughed at his charm as Roger held him on his hip. 

"Yes you are!" I concurred. "And you are having a birthday party today!" I reminded him. The room filled with excited chatter about the plans for this afternoon. Everyone in the family would be here. Unfortunately, Freddie and Deacy remained behind in Munich to do some vocal work on a track of Deacy's. The crew stayed there as well. It was funny that we now had so much room for larger gatherings, but everyone couldn't make it.

By one in the afternoon the dining room had been decorated and Roger had gone to collect the cake from the local bakery. He was going to pick up Clare from the train station but Jo was in London and said she would bring her to the party. Everyone began arriving and I was thrilled when Tom and his wife Sandra showed up. I had not seen them in over a year and couldn't wait to see their new baby. She had been born when we were on a tour and time had never permitted for a visit. Their daughter was named Calypso and they called her Caly. Tiger Lily was enthralled with her and held her after I had a turn. Things had been going well for my friend and the record store was making good money. Roger and I told him we would arrange for some signed copies of our upcoming album to be sent to him as a giveaway in his shop. Jo and Clare arrived and then my parents. We had a light lunch that was served buffet style as everyone sat around and visited. My parents had not seen Tom in ages and enjoyed catching up with him and meeting his family. My mother held Caly for half of the visit.

After we ate it was time for Jimi to open his presents. I sat down with him in the center of the room and we began placing gifts in front of him. He received quite a few toys, books, puzzles and new clothes. Freddie had threatened to buy him a pony since we had stable space on our property. He bought him a large rocking horse toy for his room instead and it was delivered a few days ago. I took some photos to make sure Freddie could see him when he first tried it out. Our gift to him was last. Roger had insisted on getting him a pedal car because he had one as a child and loved it. I thought Jimi was rather young for one but I caved in on Roger's demand. He tried to find a car that matched his Aston Martin but settled for a red race car style for him.

Jimi was quite excited by it and we let him drive it inside the house for a bit to make sure he could actually operate it. He got the hang of it and Roger promised to take him outside to drive it on the back terrace after we had cake and ice cream. Clare and Mia got the cake lit with three candles and we sang 'happy birthday' to him as they carried it into the dining room. Jimi did manage to blow out the candles and the cake was pretty good. He didn't get too much cake on his clothes but made a mess with some ice cream. Mia changed his shirt and Roger got his coat and hat and most of us went outside to watch him drive his new car around the back terrace. Some people watched from the large windows on the back of the living room.

The party was winding down and I gave Tom and Sandra a quick tour of our home. After showing them the nearby grounds and the upper floor, we stopped in my study to look at my collection of stereoscopic photographs. I now had plenty of room to display them all and Sandra had never seen anything like it before. I demonstrated the viewer and she sat at my large table to look at some of my Victorian cards. Tom was looking at old school photographs I had on some shelfs.

"I remember some pretty good times we spent on campus..." Tom said to me as we both glanced at the pictures. "And I don't mean the times you were in the library or the lab..." Tom noted to me. I grinned at his reference to the endless hours I spent studying during our school days.

"I do remember the social moments..." I confirmed with a grin. "I especially recall many awkward ones involving girls..." I joked and Tom laughed at my comment.

"I guess you figured out that dating guys solved that problem..." he teased back. We both chuckled at his observation of my romantic life. Tom got an inquisitive look on his face. "So I am curious...was there anyone before Roger?" he asked. "I mean any other guys?" 

"No...Roger was the first guy I ever was involved with romantically...sexually.." I confirmed to my friend. "In hindsight I recognized there were a few guys I had been attracted to in the past, but wasn't aware of it until after I had been with Roger for some time and accepted I like both men and women..." I explained. 

"So you still find yourself attracted to women even now?" he questioned. It was a fair question and I understood that Tom was just trying to understand me. Who I really am these days. 

"Sure...I see women who I find attractive...just like you do..." I answered. "And there have been one or two men I found appealing..." I was being honest since he asked a straightforward question. Tom grinned and poked my side.

"Any of them famous? Someone I would have heard of?" he asked with a sense of wonder.

"Obviously a few famous rockers I've had the chance to meet were thrilling...and I might have thought about them beyond just adulation for their musicianship..." I hinted. I could tell Tom was dying for a name. I formed a smug grin and leaned close. "I got to meet Robert Plant a while back..." I boasted to him and Tom's eyes widened at the news. "And I met that actress Helen Mirren once..." Tom looked envious. 

"Wow!" Tom replied. "I think even I might be a bit taken in by Plant..." Tom admitted. We both chuckled at his revelation and went back to reminiscing about our school days. Sandra joined us and we showed her some photos of our time in school together. It was a cheerful afternoon in the company of good friends. It definitely lifted my spirits.

I made some plans to stop by my parents as soon as we are back in town again. They did come to visit their grandchildren frequently during our time away recording. My father had taken early retirement from his job and now worked part time in a pharmacy to keep himself occupied. As a result, he had more time to do social things with my mother and it seemed to improve their relationship. Roger and I walked them to their car and I carried Jimi to give them one last goodbye kiss and hug. I got one myself as did Roger. Tom and Sandra left soon after and Jo and Clare lingered to visit more and catch up.

Winnie and Trevor were watching a new video with the kids. We had purchased a video tape player and Roger regularly bought movies on tape as he came across ones he thought the kids would like. He had managed to get his hands on a few Disney films and they were always a favorite. Mia was getting an evening off and was meeting some friends in London.

We had Clare and Jo join us in our room for a glass of wine before they left. We got settled as Roger poured the drinks and I put on some music. 

"Roger told me you were in Paris doing some research for a new book..." I asked Jo. She grinned and nodded confirmation to me. Roger plopped down on the sofa next to her and she leaned in closer to him.

"Yes...Henry and I were there for a few months...he had some consulting work he was doing for his firm and I took the chance to finish some things up for a book I've worked on for years..." she explained. "Paris was fantastic in regards to my research...but unfortunately I think it might have spelled ruin for my relationship..." she revealed to us all. Roger put his arm around her for support and I felt bad that her romance was in a bad way. 

"Sorry to hear that Jo...did something happen while you were there?" I asked her. She had an expression of frustration and sighed before answering. 

"I think our relationship has run its course..." she confessed. "He is a great man...I just think we've both figured out we want different things in the long term and won't be able to satisfy those needs for each other..." Jo explained. 

"Do you have different ideas of what you want in your future?" Clare asked. 

"We do have different ideas....and at first they just seemed like interesting aspects of ourselves that didn't matter....but Henry really wants a more traditional life...and he wants to get married and have children..." she told Clare. "After serious consideration I've realized that is not for me..." 

"It's good you aren't just caving to convention and getting married because that is what you think you're supposed to do..." Roger remarked to her and showed his support for her choices. Jo grinned at his loyalty. 

"He's right...you need to be true to who you are and what you really want...I know how much you enjoy your career..." I concurred. 

"It is a challenge to find men who are okay with you wanting to work and having your own identity...not just being an appendage of their life..." Clare chimed in. "Some guys are so threatened by any amount of real independence..." Jo raised her glass up to Clare.

"Amen!" Jo agreed.

"How is the dating pool in London these days?" Roger queried and Clare made a disgruntled sound and Jo rolled her eyes.

"It seems like all of the good ones are taken..." Clare informed us as she emptied her glass of wine. She held it out for Roger to pour some more. He dutifully complied. "I've had a few dates since I moved out and most were dreadful..." Clare told us. "One was a bit too attached to his Mum, another was a liar, and the best one of all was already married but looking for a bit on the side..." she explained. Jo seemed to agree.

"I have to say two of the best catches London ever had ended up with each other...so the choices out there are thin..." she commented with a wink.

"I don't follow you?" I asked Jo in confusion. "What two catches?" She grinned at me and glanced at Roger. Roger rolled his eyes as he looked right at me.

"It's us! You idiot!" I blushed at her compliment and Clare giggled and raised her glass in the air for a toast.

"Here is to Jo and I finding our own 'idiots' to love!" she decried. I chuckled and took a drink.

29th March 1980

Our time at home flew by and we soon found ourselves reaching for our coats and saying goodbye to our children, Mia and Winnie and Trevor. Some construction people were going to be on our grounds for the next few weeks to begin some work on our indoor pool and also converting the barn to a studio. Winnie and Trevor were staying on so Mia wouldn't be home alone with all those men around. We appreciated their help while we were away working. Our schedules were tight this year and I was hoping we could find some time for a holiday. It was ages since we last got away.

Once Roger and I were settled on the evening flight to Munich I found my chance to talk about it. We were the only people in first class and it was a nice quiet flight. After getting some drinks the stewardess disappeared so I spoke up.

"Hey Rog...what do you think about taking a holiday this year?" I asked as he sipped his whisky.

"When did you have in mind?" he replied. I opened my bag and pulled out my planner. I opened up April and looked it over even though I knew we would be in Munich the entire month. I flipped it to May.

"If we are able to finish the record in May, maybe we would find a week then?" I suggested. 

"What about Flash Gordon?" he responded. Shit! I had forgot about our plans to do the soundtrack music. It wasn't set in stone yet but it seemed pretty firm. 

"June?" I countered. 

"When does the tour start?" Roger questioned. I turned to June and looked over the notes about our American tour dates.

"We leave on the 19th..." I replied. Roger sighed.

"That's pretty tight to try and fit in a trip somewhere..." he commented. "They said that movie is scheduled for a Christmas release so we've not got a lot of time with the tour dates and all..."

I flipped over to look at July and August and remembered that Deacy had arranged for us to be off the last two weeks of July due to his son's birthday. Robert was turning five. 

"We've got those couple of weeks in late July...remember? Deacy asked us to be off then for Robert..." I reminded Roger. His face lit up and he smiled at me. He glanced down at my planner and pointed to the show on July 14th.

"We'll be in California...we could take off then and take the kids to Disney..." he suggested. It was a wonderful idea. My heart leapt at the suggestion and I smiled back at him. Excited to make a plan. 

"That's perfect!" I responded and circled the date on my planner and wrote in HOLIDAY. "I wonder if Mia has ever been to Disneyland?" I asked Roger. He shrugged but picked up my pen and drew a little heart over the top of the word HOLIDAY. I wanted to kiss him badly for the happiness I felt right now. Having this to look forward to. I quickly looked around and saw no one was in sight and quickly pecked his lips. Roger grinned and looked around and then reached over and took my hand. 

"Love you..." he whispered.

"Love you too..." 

1st April 1980

"I've got the contract here for you to look over...it's pretty standard and I got us a good deal..." Jim Beach explained to us all as he met with us at Musicland Studios. Jim had flown in to finalize the deal for the Flash Gordon movie and also to go over some other business.

Deacy immediately began scanning the contract and I trusted his judgement so I would see what he had to say about it. He finished and nodded his approval to us as he signed his place on the contract. 

"Looks good to me..." Deacy commented and Jim smiled as he watched Deacy slide the contract over for Freddie to read. Freddie simply signed where indicated and moved the contract over to Roger who put his glasses on to take a look.

"I've got the finalized dates for your North American tour and Gerry should be getting the itinerary to you shortly..." Jim informed us. "Any special requests should be made to his office now..." he added. We all grinned at this direction. Sometimes we could get a bit unreasonable with our demands for our shows or lodgings. "Let me know what each of you have planned during that late July break...just so we know where you can be contacted..." 

"I am not sure yet what my plans are...I'll let you know..." Freddie replied. 

"We've got Robert's birthday so I'll be at home then..." Deacy reminded us all.

"We want to spend some time in California with the kids...go to Disneyland..." I told Jim. Everyone smiled at hearing our plans. "I'm going to make the arrangements closer to the time..." I explained. 

"Call our travel agent and she can get that handled for you..." Jim reminded me. I nodded and kept my smile at the thought of some real summer fun with Roger and our kids.

"As you can see...we've got quite a busy rest of the year...and adding the music soundtrack in there is really tightening things up...try and get this album finished on time...you'll need every spare minute for Flash Gordon..." Jim pointed out. Roger signed the movie contract and so did I and slid it back to Jim. He placed it in his briefcase. 

"That's it for now...I'll see you at the screening Dino is setting up for you..." Jim remarked as he stood up from his chair. We all adjourned to the studio to resume working as Jim left. Mack had set up a demo tape compilation for us to go over and make some decisions about the tracks we wanted to keep working on. Everyone of us had brought numerous songs to the sessions and it was time to whittle things down. We listened to the first few songs which were mine and I immediately agreed to toss a few songs. I was adamant that Sail Away Sweet Sister be included and Save Me was a given since the single had been released. Deacy wanted to keep Another One Bites The Dust and we had to retain Crazy Little Thing since it was also an existing single. 

"So that's Sister, Save Me, Dust and Crazy so far...what about Roger's tracks?" Mack asked us all. 

"I want Rock It on this album...and I think it should be considered for a single..." Roger requested. 

"I agree it's a good fit for the album...not sure about it being a single...but we can revisit that..." Freddie chimed in. 

"I like Coming Soon..." I told them. I felt it was a modern sounding number and was a nice balance to the other tracks we had selected. It felt so hip and a bit bluesy. 

"I like that one too...it's got potential..." Deacy remarked. Roger looked pleased that we were considering two of his songs. 

"You just like the bass line..." Roger said to our bassist cheekily and Deacy chuckled at being found out.

"So those two for Rog and how about that Lovin Tonight song Deacy?" Freddie inquired. 

"Need Your Loving Tonight..." Deacy corrected him and Freddie smiled as he swatted him playfully. Deacy fended off his hand. 

"Let's hear the demo again..." Freddie suggested. Mack nodded and started up the track on his mixing board. We listened to what we had laid down for this song. It didn't have a guitar solo yet and Freddie's vocal was just a run through but it was a strong number. 

"I think it's a keeper..." I commented. Roger nodded agreement and Mack wrote it on his list.

"So that makes seven...." Mack announced. "My suggestion is to work out that jam track you did....it has a great feel to it and Brian had worked on some lyrics..." I nodded agreement. It was such a loose track and something different from our other choices. I tapped my fingers on my writing notebook remembering the melody.

"I can finish the lyrics..." I advised them. They seemed intrigued to follow through.

"Yeah...let's give it some more work..." Roger agreed. Mack made a note and then look over at Freddie.

"You said you had a few more songs you wanted us to give consideration..." Mack asked Freddie. 

"Yes..." Freddie confirmed.

"Can we look at some more of mine?" Roger asked politely. 

"I think we've already picked the best from your lot..." Freddie responded firmly. Roger's face showed frustration.

"I thought you liked A Human Body?" Roger questioned back and Freddie looked indifferent. He then turned to me. I liked the song well enough but felt the other two were his strongest. 

"It's not as good as the others..." I said honestly. Roger then shot a look at Deacy. He shrugged.

"I agree...it's not as strong....maybe it could be on the backup list....a B-side?" Deacy suggested. Roger opened his notebook and looked over the list of songs he had brought with him. 

"So you're telling me of all the songs I've shown you...this is all I get?" Roger questioned with annoyance in his voice. 

"It's a fair allotment..." Freddie countered to him. "Deacy has two and Brian and myself only have one more each right now..." he pointed out. 

"We had 13 songs on the last album...there's room for more..." Roger argued back. He was getting angry and I hoped this wouldn't escalate. It was a business decision. It wasn't personal. 

"Roger dear....this album will be much better...we need to keep a tight reign on our choices...don't you agree?" Freddie responded and looked up at me for my opinion. I hated it, but I agreed with Freddie. We had put too many tracks on the last record and it hurt the overall quality. 

"I think Fred's right....we shouldn't overwhelm the record with too many tracks...we've got some solid stuff here...." I offered back. Deacy nodded agreement. 

"So what other songs of yours are you wanting?" Roger asked Freddie directly. Freddie looked over at Mack.

"I want Play The Game...and there is another I am playing around with..." Freddie said and seemed a bit coy. He glanced my way and then gestured to Mack. "Play that demo I showed you this morning..." Freddie requested. Mack pressed a button and we all sat and listened.

Don't do it don't you try it baby  
Don't do that don't don't don't  
Don't do that  
You got a good thing going now  
Don't do it don't do it  
Don't  
Don't try suicide  
Nobody's worth it  
Don't try suicide  
Nobody cares  
Don't try suicide  
You're just gonna hate it  
Don't try suicide  
Nobody gives a damn

As I listened to his song I really liked the cadence of it and was all for it until I heard his lyrics. What the fuck?

"We are not putting that on the record Fred!" I snapped at him and stood up in disbelief. Mack turned off the tape and everyone was looking at Freddie with surprise.

"And why is that Brian?" Freddie asked me pointedly.

"A song about suicide? Really?" I questioned to him. "You wrote a song about fucking suicide?" I said in a harsh tone. "You can't do this Fred!" I commanded. He shot me a look of annoyance.

"If you think this song is about you...it's not!" he shot back as he looked me in the eye. "You're not the only person in this world whose tried to off themselves..." Freddie said to me with a complete lack of compassion or discretion. It hurt a bit to hear him be so cavalier about it. It was also something incredibly private and he had just basically told Mack that I had done this in my past. I looked over at Mack who was staring back at me with empathy.

"Thanks for respecting my privacy!" I shot back at Freddie. "You just told Mack something that was my business!" I said in a heated manner. I felt my face burning with anger. 

"And telling Mack and the whole world for that matter that Roger cheated on you was something you cleared with your husband before you played your song for all of us?" Freddie said bluntly as he held my gaze. We stared each other down and I moved to leave the room. Roger reached out and grabbed my arm.

"Stop!" he barked at me. "He's got a point Bri!" Roger remarked. "If you're putting Save Me on the album then you might as well put his song on as well..." he told me. I sat back down in a huff and avoided looking at Freddie. 

"It's kind of dark...I like it!" Deacy suddenly announced and I shot him a look of ire. 

"You would take his side..." I snapped at him. Deacy furrowed his brow at me.

"At least Freddie has a sense of humor in his writing....if your songs were any more morose...I think I'd slash my own wrists!" Deacy cut back at me.

"Fuck you!" I shouted at him and stood up and stormed out of the room. I almost ran straight into Paul Prenter as I burst through the door.

"Sorry!" I said and then realized he had been listening at the door. He knew! My annoyance at everyone knowing my secret made me lose it. "I suppose you heard it all then?" I shouted at him. "Great!" I yelled and went straight for my bag and coat and took off up the stairs..


	121. Play The Game...Everybody Play The Game - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a reminder that this is a work of fiction and I sometimes take liberties with timelines. The tour dates are correct but other events are not. Thanks!

22nd June 1980

Los Angeles

Roger's POV

"Give me a minute...I'm almost off the phone..." I said to my daughter as she tried to get my attention. I was seated on the bed in our rented house and was talking with Jo. Well, maybe I was complaining. I felt like that is all I had done lately. But my life was so tension filled right now and Jo was good at listening and helping me find perspective. 

"Papa!" Tigs whined to me. I was annoyed at her constant interruption but tried to remain calm. I really needed a cigarette right now. 

"Where is Daddy? Or Mimi?" I asked her as I covered the mouthpiece to avoid irritating Jo. I looked at the door to the bedroom I was in and wondered where they were. Tigs tugged at my trouser leg. I groaned in frustration. Brian suddenly appeared in the doorway and Tigs looked up and went running over to him. I was relieved to see him. Maybe I could get a few minutes peace to finish my call.

"Come on Poppet...Papa needs to finish his call..." Brian said to her with as much stern-ness as he could manage. It certainly wasn't as cross sounding as I get but it worked. Tigs followed him out and Brian gave me a look of apology as he closed the door to give me some privacy. 

"Sorry about that...where were we?" I asked Jo. I swear I could sense her grin over the phone.

"You were telling me how frustrated you are with your band right now..." she reminded me. That was the truth. It seemed liked ever since we went back to Munich in March all we had done was argue about everything. I don't know why but this album had become a battle of sorts. I wasn't happy that I only got two songs. Brian was annoyed at Freddie's suicide song. Freddie was irritated at us both for being annoyed in general. Deacy was irked at us all for fighting so much. And boy had Deacy become more marked in his opinions these days. We got into it over how he wanted the drum sounds on one of his songs. He and Brian went at it over some guitar choices with Deacy's funkier sounding track and things became pretty heated one day with me and Freddie about some vocals. Luckily Mack was able to reign in our bickering and help us pull our album together. The album was being released on the 30th and we had decided to call it The Game. It felt fitting since it seemed like you had to have a strategy to win this time around in our studio battles. Everyone had played to some degree and some felt more like losers than others. I for one felt I had lost the most. I only got two tracks and my campaign to get Rock It released as a single was not going well for me.

"Sorry Jo...I know it seems like all I have done is complain about the band..." I replied. 

"I believe our phone conversation began with me bitching about my date last night and the state of my relationship with my editor....go on...your entitled..." she pointed out. She was right. She had called to vent about her life as well. I had listened and supported her. She was giving me my turn.

"Thanks...you're a good friend..." I told her. "I guess I really need to find an outlet for my music...I just feel a bit stagnant at the moment with Queen..." I remarked. 

"Are you still thinking about doing another solo record?" Jo asked me. I know she meant another single. Like the one I did in 77. She had gone to the studio with me then to record it. Partly as moral support and partly as a photo op for the press. I had bigger plans this time.

"I do want to make another record...but this time I have enough material for a whole album..." I explained. "This time I am going for it..." I announced. "The problem is when would I have time to record it..." I sighed. "We're already rehearsing for our tour and have to work on Flash Gordon as soon as it ends...there's just no time for it this year..." 

"I thought you had several breaks in this tour...hang on..." she said. I heard her set the phone down and wondered what she was doing. She came back on the phone. "I've got your itinerary right here...you've got 3 weeks in the middle of July...starting on the 15th..." she read off to me. "You can't do something then?" It made the most sense except that I had said we would take a holiday.

"We've got a holiday planned with the kids..." I told her. It occurred to me that we didn't need three weeks for a holiday and wondered what I could do. We were in Los Angeles right now. Maybe I could book some time locally. The wheels in my head started turning. "But it is three weeks...maybe I could arrange something..." I said out loud. 

"I think you would be happier if you knew you could do something with your songs..." Jo remarked to me. I agreed. This tour would be a nicer experience if I felt I had that to look forward to.

"I'm going to check on it...thanks Jo..." I said back. "I should probably go..." I told her as I glanced at the clock. "We've got rehearsal.." 

"Alright...let me know what happens...love you..." she replied. 

"Love you too...bye.." I said and hung up. I got off the bed and felt like doing something about my own music was a step towards quelling my irritation with the band. I decided I would do some checking on some studio time before I said anything to Brian. Let alone the others. I got up and dressed for rehearsals and joined my downstairs in the house. Everyone was seated at the large dining table having a snack. 

"Want something to eat?" Brian asked me as I approached. I saw they had orange slices, grapes and some cheese and nuts. It did not look appealing to me. I made a face at them all.

"I'll pass...thanks.." I remarked. Brian looked amused at my response.

"Too healthy for you?" he questioned. I ignored his comment and went to my bag and pulled out my cigarettes and waved the packet at him. He looked displeased with my choice. "We need to get around...the car will be here soon.." he announced. 

\--------------------------------

All of us bundled into a limo and rode to the rehearsal venue. The kids wanted to see us working and Mia said she would take them back to the house after a few hours. We arrived and were escorted by security into the arena. Gerry Stickells was waiting for us and made sure Mia had her permanent backstage pass around her neck. Brian got pulled into a brief interview with a reporter so I took the kids over to get some passes. Gerry went to put the backstage pass stickers on the kids shirts and I noticed they were the raunchy ones with the woman with her tits out.

"Uh...Gerry?" I said to him. "Do you think you have something a little less adult they could wear?" I asked him with a hint of concern. Gerry looked inside his briefcase and seemed troubled. He found a felt tip marker and began to draw in some clothing on the woman's body. Once he had her fully dressed he handed the passes to me and I snickered as I stuck them on my children's shirts. "Maybe we could arrange for some age appropriate permanent ID for my kids..." I suggested. Gerry laughed as Crystal came up to us all and squatted down in front of Tiger Lily and Jimi.

"What are you doing Taylors?" he asked them both and raised his hand up for a high five. Tiger Lily laughed at him and slapped his hand with her own.

"I don't know...what are you doing Taylor?" she asked him back in a sassy tone. This was a cute game Crystal had started with them since we all had the name of Taylor. Jimi slapped his hand as well but hadn't quite sorted out the call and response yet. Crystal laughed at their PG version backstage passes and ruffled Jimi's hair as Tiger Lily took my roadie's hand and they headed towards the stage. I picked up Jimi and followed Crystal with Mia in tow. 

"I got that problem fixed with the foot pedal..." Crystal informed me as we arrived at my kit. I noticed Ratty greeting Mia at the edge of the stage. Tigs took a seat on my stool and Jimi starting playing with my hi-hat. I watched to make sure he didn't do anything to it or hurt himself. Jimi's attention was diverted when Freddie arrived on the stage. He had Phoebe and Paul with him. 

"Greetings everybody!" he announced and was wearing a contented smile. My children took off running to see him despite being told before not to run on the stage.

"Don't run!" I yelled in vain as they barreled over to their beloved Uncle. Freddie squatted down and then pretended to fall over as my kids both tackled him. They were all laughing and rolling around. I knew the stage floor had been cleaned earlier. Freddie liked his stage area spotless. We all enjoyed watching them goof around and Brian showed up after getting away from the reporter. 

"I see Fred is in a good mood..." Brian remarked as we observed Freddie slowly standing back up and adjusting his clothes. The children were still laughing as Brian walked over. "Come on..." he told them. "We need to start work..." Brian explained. Mia collected the children and took them down to get seated to watch us. I noticed Deacy was already down there with Ronnie and his kids. They were giggling at something he said. I smiled at seeing how content his family is. Like mine is. Brian had some cups of water and came over and handed me one.

"Will your children be joining you for rehearsal every day?" I heard Paul ask us curtly. I didn't care for the tone he used. Based on the expression I found on his face he wasn't a fan of the kids being here.

"No...just today...they wanted to see us perform..." I answered. "But if we want to have them here again...I believe that is up to us..." I added in a firm tone. Paul gave me a derisive look and then walked off towards Freddie. Brian and I shared a look of frustration at him implying he could dictate when we brought our kids with us. I wondered if he had ever said anything to Deacy about his children.

Our rehearsal went well and we took several breaks to make adjustments and the kids came back up one more time before they all left. We had an album release party tonight and Mia and Ronnie were getting together with all the kids to watch some movies and have dinner. We were soon in the backstage area getting dressed for the Elektra Records event. Several limos collected our entourage and we set off for the party at a downtown hotel. At first it was a boring affair full of industry men who stood around and patted themselves on the back for making so much money off their artists. We all found it tedious and were looking for our first chance to leave. Things did improve when Jim Beach arrived. He was a nice buffer in dealing with these arrogant pricks. 

Some other musicians started turning up and the party picked up steam. Jackson Browne was there and Don Henley from The Eagles. Later a few members of the American group called The Cars made an appearance. To Brian's particular delight Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath arrived. He had met him before and they began a lengthy conversation in a corner. There weren't a lot of woman but the ones who were there were eager and interested and I worked to fend off a few during the course of the night. I made sure I was photographed being cordial to some of them for publicity sake. I happened upon a guy who was a producer in Los Angeles and spoke to him about booking studio time. He had bad news for me. It was hard to come by right now. If I was looking for something in late July it wasn't going to be in Los Angeles. It was a disappointment. It grew late and I wanted to leave. This wasn't a crowd I wanted having any indication about Brian and myself. I had Deacy go over and tell Brian we were leaving. Brian wanted to continue his visit with Tony so we opted to leave without him. Freddie was already making plans for some partying in West Hollywood so Deacy and I found one of our limos and took off for home. It was clear Deacy was drunk and I was pretty buzzed myself. We leaned into each other as we slumped in the back seat on the late night drive.

"I wonder who else we'll meet at our shows in L.A. ?" Deacy pondered. I shrugged but it was an interesting question.

"We've got 4 shows at The Forum and this is the town we tend to see people in the most...save for home and New York City..." I replied. "Maybe Gerry will know who asked for tickets..." I suggested. Deacy grinned at me and then yawned. 

"It will be cool to meet some more famous people after having the #1 song here..." he remarked. Shy Deacy would only feel this way when he is drunk. It would definitely improve our standing with the American music scene. We finally had a #1 single here and held that spot for four straight weeks. I wondered if we could ever repeat that feat again.

"It certainly elevated us..." I agreed. "I'm pretty sure our new single isn't going to top it..." I remarked. Play The Game was a fantastic song but it didn't have the same appeal as our first effort from the new album. Deacy nodded agreement.

"It's good but it's not as commercial as Crazy Little Thing..." Deacy replied. 

"Maybe we should have released Rock It..." I suggested. Deacy rolled his eyes at me but grinned. 

"You just can't let that go...can you?" he responded. I swatted his arm.

"Easy for you to say...you've had a few A sides of your own....I've not had one!" I reminded him. "Maybe I'll just make my own record and can release all the bloody singles I want!" I said out loud and then realized I had said to much. Deacy chuckled at me and swatted me back.

"That's ridiculous!" he responded and was chuckling at the consideration. It kind of chafed me but I said nothing. I did, however, become determined to make my own record.

The limo dropped me off first and I moved about the house quietly. Everyone was asleep at this hour and I went up to my bedroom. It was 2 am in California but I knew it was already business hours in London. I found my address book and called our office in London. They patched me through to the booking number for our studio in Montreaux. We owned the studio and could record whenever we wanted. I decided not to waste a bunch of time trying to find something in the states. The studio was available during our break so I booked myself in and felt a sense of real satisfaction as I hung up the phone and hopped in the shower. My mind was swimming with ideas and anticipation of finally doing something for myself. It felt empowering and exciting. I got out and slipped on a pair of silk boxers as I went downstairs and poured myself a night cap. I took it back to the bedroom and opened my writing notebook. I knew I couldn't sleep so I perused the songs we never used for our Queen album.

I heard some noise downstairs and heard the door open and close. I got up and walked to the stairwell to see Brian picking up his clogs to make his way quietly up the stairs. He followed me into the room and gently closed the door.

"Couldn't sleep?" he said to me in a low volume. I shook my head as he peeled off his socks and undid his shirt and belt. 

"Nah..." I responded. I went over and picked up my drink to finish it. I suddenly felt Brian come up behind me and he pressed his mouth against my neck. He slid his arm around me and ran it up my chest. It was unexpected and sent a volt of arousal through my body. He ran his lips across my shoulder and then slid his hand down to caress my hip. He pressed himself close to my back and I could feel he was already getting erect. I could smell the vodka on his breath and the faint scent of cigarettes from the party.

"There was a woman at that party who came and sat with me and Tony and all she could talk about was you..." Brian told me in a low whisper as he moved his lips all over my neck and shoulders and teased me by brushing his hand over the front of my cloth covered cock. 

"Oh yeah?" I said back in an curious manner and Brian brought his other arm around to hold me tight against him.

"She kept asking me if she could meet you..." he told me as he lightly groped me through the silky material. "It was clear she wanted to fuck you..." he whispered and tugged at my earlobe with his teeth. Brian's breathing was heavy and seductive. He then slid his hand inside my boxers and wrapped his hand around my cock. My heart rate sped up and my own breathing deepened. A heady smile formed on my face. 

"Did she now?" I asked him with a devilish tone. He jerked my body closer to his again with the arm wrapped around my chest.

"She did..." he replied as he slid his tongue across the bend in my neck. The spot he knows sends me reeling. I made a sound of satisfaction feeling it. "She wanted you so badly she even offered to do me...just for a shot at you..." he revealed as he kept up his lazy strokes.

"So...did you fuck her?" I asked him tauntingly and he pinched my nipple with the hand he had across my chest. 

"No...I told her I had the hottest blond in the world waiting for me at home..." he replied. "I told her that you were taken and she couldn't have you..." I loved hearing his words and turned around in his arms. 

"I am taken..." I agreed and Brian smiled at me and we kissed. Our lips spread and our tongues licked into each others mouths. It was hot and needy and it felt fantastic. He wrapped his arms around me and then I felt him lift me up and I brought my legs around his waist as he carried me; kissing me; and laid me down on the bed. I made a sound of desire as he crawled up the bed over me and pressed his body onto mine.

"You belong to me..." he growled and buried his face into my neck again and began kissing and sucking and biting me. Making his mark on me. I couldn't remember the last time he had been this aggressive and possessive of me and I savored his need. Feeling desired and not minding feeling a little bit like I was his property. He brought a hand down between us and resumed stroking me. Brian then worked to shove my boxers down. 

"I'm yours...." I confirmed and he groaned and reached over to the end table and pulled the drawer open and grabbed the bottle of lube. The heat between us was palpable as Brian unzipped his trousers and shoved them down to his thighs. I spread my legs and was breathing fast as I watched him quickly coat himself with lube. He moved his wet hand down to my entrance and teased my opening as he leaned back over and me kissed me hungrily. 

I was falling into his well of desire as I wrapped my arms around his neck and sucked on his tongue. He moaned into my mouth and I felt his finger plunge into me. I was so relaxed and the want inside me was building fast. Our mouths parted and I panted before making a command.

"Do it...fuck me!" I told him with bated breath. Brian didn't hesitate as he pulled his finger from me and then he leaned back onto his heels and lifted me up using my thighs as he brought his mouth down onto my entrance. I gasped as his tongue lapped at me and licked around the edges. "Fuck!" I shouted and then realized I needed to be quiet. Brian didn't even register my volume as he pressed his mouth against me and darted his tongue past the rim. I couldn't take it anymore and pushed him away from me. My breath was labored as we both stared into each others eyes. The intensity of his gaze undid me. I wanted him now. I rolled onto my stomach and turned my head to look at him as he straddled my body and pushed himself into me. 

"Oh god!" Brian murmured as he slid all the way into me. He braced his hands against the mattress on either side of my arms and began moving. I felt so full and so satisfied. His weight on my back and his labored breathing was intoxicating. His need for me so fulfilling. I let him do the work as I relished the sensation of being fucked so perfectly. Loved so intently. Desired so profoundly. Brian kissed my back and shoulders as he worshipped me. He slowed down and spread his knees out and reached under my sides with his arms and pulled me up to my knees as he brought my back up against his chest. We both knelt on the mattress as Brian held me in his arms and embraced me as he pounded it me. I gasped from the intensity and moved with him. Wanting it as deep and gratifying as it could be. 

"I love you..." I whispered to him as he turned my head and kissed me from behind. Our mouths barely met but it was more than enough. Both of us were panting as we kept up our movements against each other. The heat of on orgasm grew in me and I reached down to stroke myself as we both reached our climax. I went first and then Brian came and we ended up falling onto the bed and in a pile together. Him clinging to me and me letting him pull me close as we both slipped from our high and fell into a fast sleep. 

Brian's POV

I felt somewhat constricted for some reason when I woke up with the alarm and turned to shut it off. I realized I was sleeping with my trousers and briefs halfway down my legs. I groaned as I sat up and pulled the blanket off me and shoved my clothes down my legs and onto the mattress. My memory kicked in and I smiled recalling the late night encounter with my husband. I found Roger turned away from me and curled up in a bedsheet facing the other way. He was snoring lightly as I stumbled from the bed and went to the toilet. I wasn't feeling too hung over as I turned the shower on and stretched as I waited for the water to warm up. The shower really helped to wake me and loosen my muscles. I finished and wrapped a towel around me as I brushed my teeth and quickly shaved. I then wandered back into the bedroom. I sat down on the bed as Roger woke up and leaned up on his elbow to look at me.

"Morning..." I told him. He yawned and shuffled on the mattress into a sitting position next to me. He leaned over and we shared a long soft kiss. I ran my hand over his chin and realized how much more facial hair he could grow in between shaves these days. The stubble was so blond and ultra soft. I smiled as we shared another quick kiss and then Roger grabbed me and pulled me down onto the bed with him. "Hey....we need to get up....the kids..." I told him as he crawled on top of me.

"In a minute..." he replied and leaned down over me and we kissed again. Roger straddled my legs and pressed himself into me. "Do I get a turn?" he inquired as he reached down and slid his hand between my thighs. It tickled and I squirmed a bit. I shoved his hand away.

"Tonight..." I said back and pushed him off me. "Come on....we need to get up..." I scolded and patted his bottom as he climbed off me laughing. There was a knock on our door and Roger scurried naked to the bathroom. "Hang on..." I shouted and pulled on some briefs and shorts and walked to the door. I opened it and found Jimi standing there looking up at me. I instantly smiled seeing his beautiful face. "Hey little man...how are you this morning?" I inquired. 

"Morning Daddy!" he told me in his sweet little voice. He reached his hands up to me so I picked him up and settled him on my hip. I kissed his forehead and walked back into the bedroom. He smelled like his baby lotion and I felt his thick light brown hair. 

"We only have to work a few hours today...what do you want to do?" I asked him as I walked to the window to see what the weather looked like outside. It was sunny and clear. 

"Swim!" he declared and I smiled at his request. Both our kids were little fishes. Roger came out of the bathroom and walked up to us.

"Morning Jimi..." Roger told him and pressed a kissed to his head. "You hungry?" he asked him. Jimi nodded. "Good! I'm starving!" Roger replied. We headed downstairs and found Mia preparing some food in the kitchen. We planned to give her a break from all her duties when we are on our holiday. She seemed content as she scrambled some eggs in a skillet.

"Good morning Mia!" She turned and smiled at us. 

"Morning...you want some breakfast?" she asked. 

"Yes...I can make us something if you've only cooked for you and the kids..." I answered. She shook her head.

"It's no trouble..." she replied. I looked around and didn't see Tiger Lily anywhere. 

"Where is Tigs at?" I asked. 

"She was looking for a book in her suitcase..." she informed me. I sat Jimi down in his booster seat and Roger poured himself some coffee. He raised up a cup towards me.

"Want some?" he asked. 

"In a minute...let me check on Tigs.." I told him. I went back upstairs and could hear Tiger Lily talking to herself in her room and grinned at how funny she could be sometimes. I stood in her doorway and saw her reading the book to herself. Well, she couldn't exactly read most of it but she was pretending she could and was repeating her favorite story to herself. I listened for a minute and was amused at how animated she was. Having the children here was wonderful. After the miserable months in Munich and the fighting in the studio, it felt so good to be in sunny California. The band was getting along better with our record finished and were looking forward to performing. A holiday in a few weeks meant a break from everything and some time at the beach and at Disneyland with my family. Life couldn't be better. I heard the telephone ring and she looked up at me as I left her doorway and went to my room to answer it. 

"Hello..."

"Roger Taylor please..." the woman wasn't American but I couldn't place her accent. I worried it might be a fan or reporter who discovered where we are staying.

"May I ask who is calling?" 

"Renee....from Mountain Studios..." I was curious why they were calling.

"Hello!" Roger had picked up the downstairs phone. 

"Is this Roger Taylor?" the woman asked him. 

"Yes..." I would normally hang up but was curious why they were calling him on tour in California.

"Hi Mr. Taylor...this is Renee...we spoke previously about your studio booking..." 

"Oh yes!" Roger responded. Why did he call them and what was this about booking studio time? I remained quiet as I listened. 

"I was calling to confirm that David Richards will be available to work with you during the dates you've booked..." she informed him. 

"Fantastic! Well that is good news..." he responded.

"If there is anything else you need...just give me a call..." Renee advised. 

"Thank you..." Roger said and their call ended. I hung up my extension and felt incredibly confused about what I had just heard. Why was Roger booking time in Montreux and why hadn't he told me? I left my room and headed downstairs. I found Roger sipping his coffee and looking over the newspaper.

"Hey Rog!" I said to him. He looked up at me. "I need a word..." I told him and gestured for him to follow me. He got up from the table looking curious as he came behind me into the living room. I stood by the couch and folded my arms. 

"What is it?" he asked. 

"Who was that on the phone?" I asked him. I could tell he was thinking about what to say instead of just answering. I realized he was going to possibly going to tell me a lie. I felt disappointed in him. "Before you tell me some bullshit...I know it was Mountain Studios..." I revealed to him. His face showed me he was surprised to hear this. I could see him swallow before he opened his mouth.

"I was going to tell you...I booked some time in Montreux..." he began to explain. I wasn't upset that he did this...just that he was being secretive about it..." 

"Why didn't you just tell me?" I said in a neutral tone. "What's it for?" I asked. He smiled at me.

"I've decided to do some work on a solo record..." he responded. 

"Again?" I questioned. His last venture into this was not a success by any measure. Roger's face formed a scowl. 

"What is that supposed to mean?" he questioned and sounded annoyed.

"Nothing...sorry..." I told him and felt bad at how my question sounded. I tried to be supportive and smiled at him. "So are planning to do something after the tour?" I asked. I knew there was some free time between the North American and European dates. Roger's scowl disappeared.

"Actually I booked some time during our break in a few weeks..." he replied. Any support I felt for his idea disappeared.

"You can't!" I said firmly. "We're on holiday!" I reminded him.

"Not for the whole three weeks!" he countered back. I know we have three weeks between dates but we were spending about half of it with the kids in California and then were going to travel to New York to see them off as they flew home. They had never seen New York and we were going to see a few sights there as well before they left. It did leave a week but it was clear he was probably taking more time than that. I wasn't on board with this and felt like he was being selfish.

"We talked about this and made plans!" I retorted. "What about the beach and Disney and New York?" I said in a raised voice. 

"I need to do this Brian...it's really important to me..." Roger answered as his reasoning. 

"Is your family not important to you?" I questioned. "Apparently making a bloody record is more important than my birthday or your daughter's birthday!" I pointed out. "And I guess you prefer to spend your birthday with Dave Richards!" I added for good measure.

"I was going to be back in time for her birthday..." he told me but it wasn't enough. He had broken a promise. We had been gone for months in Munich and would be on tour for months after they went back home. This time mattered.

"Good to know..." I spat back. "I guess you're going to do this anyway?" I asked him bluntly. "Because it doesn't sound like you are interested in being reminded about your priorities...your promise..." I said in a disgusted tone. Roger ran his hand through his hair and looked me in the eye.

"I'll be back for her birthday..." he responded. I threw my arms up in the air and began walking from the room. I turned to look at him and pointed my finger at him.

"You are the one who gets to tell them...you are the one who is going to explain to them why you're flying to Switzerland to play rock star instead of spending the summer break with them..." I yelled at him and marched from the room. I hated the feeling that I had spent a lot of time this year marching from too many rooms in a bad mood. Feeling anger and frustration with people I cared about. Loved. I felt worn out from the drama and wished I could just escape from everything that was causing me to feel this way. As I made my way to the kitchen and was trying to calm down I remembered an offer that Tony had made me last night. An offer I turned down because I was going to be with my husband and my kids. Since I would be the one spending all my time with my children on holiday and had lost interest in seeing my husband's face at the moment I decided to take him up on his offer. I turned and walked to the stairs and went up to get Tony's number from my wallet.

"Hello..."

"Hey Tony...it's Bri..."

"Oh hey!"

"Is that offer for the show tonight still on?"

"Sure!"

"I changed my mind...let's go!"


	122. Play The Game...Everybody Play The Game - Part 3

24th June 1980

Los Angeles

Brian's POV

It was the perfect antidote to my woes. I stood next to Tony and exalted in the artistry of Eddie Van Halen's guitar playing. His dexterity was enviable and it was thrilling to see this young man bend the guitar to his will. The crowd shrieked and roared as he played his amazing solo on Eruption. Tony and I both gazed in admiration as his fingers danced across his fret board. He soon finished and was off again trading poses with their lead singer David Lee Roth. I applauded more than anyone to praise what I had just witnessed.

At the end of the show Tony led me backstage. It was a nice compliment to be recognized by a lot of the security and staff as we found ourselves inside the after party at the venue. The band soon made an appearance and were celebrated by the attendees. It was an honor to meet this young man. Eddie was so accomplished and we shared a few drinks and lots of stories about playing and living life on the road. Some publicity man took a photo of the three of us visiting and it was exciting to be counted in this company of guitarists.

I was relaxed and feeling carefree as the party winded down. The majority of the guests had left and we three were seated at a table munching on some food from the hospitality table and the last of the import beer. I glanced at my watch and was surprised to find it was past 1 in the morning. I wondered how long Tony planned to stay. He was leaned over saying something to Eddie when we all saw David Lee Roth walk by with two woman on his arms. He winked at us as he exited the room and left for what I assumed was his hotel suite. We all shared a knowing expression. Clearly aware of what was next for David tonight. A threesome. 

"What is it about the lead singer?" Eddie asked us both. "Why do the woman always go for them first?" Everyone laughed at his observation. 

"I agree...you figure they would consider how adept we are with our fingers!' Tony chimed in and made a rude gesture with his hand. 

"Exactly!" I argued with a smile. "And can I say that we all have much better hair than our front men?" I joked. We all joined in another round of laughs and eyed the remaining party goers. Several young women came walking towards us wearing smiles and very little clothing. One of the girls, a redhead, walked right up to me and sipped on the cocktail straw sticking out of her drink. She had bright green eyes and a creamy complexion. 

"I love your hair..." she told me between sips. It was nice to hear and I gave her a genuine smile.

"Thanks..." I replied. She reached her hand out to me.

"I'm Lizzie..." she said as she introduced herself. I accepted her hand. 

"I'm Brian..." I responded and she made a goofy face at me. 

"I know who you are..." she said abashed. "I mean...come on! You're a rock star for god's sake!" she declared. I tried not to laugh at how expressive she was as she said it. She refocused on her drink and took another sip. I had a drink of my beer for good measure and noticed Tony and Eddie watching her.

"You from L.A. ?" Eddie asked her. She smiled and nodded as she kept hold of the straw between her lips. Another girl came up and stood next to her and began speaking to Tony. She had long dark blond hair and looked like a model.

"I'm Melinda...you're Tony...right?" she asked. Tony smiled at her.

"I am..." Tony responded. She strode up and planted herself in Tony's lap. He made a sound of surprise at her direct manner but wrapped his arm around her back to hold her in place. A brunette with a wild mane of hair started hitting on Eddie. I guess it was that time of night. When the hookups happened. 

"Are you in town to do a show or make a record?" Lizzie asked me. 

"I'm on tour...our first show is on the 30th..." I explained. "We're rehearsing here and opening in Vancouver..." she smiled at me and then made a play to sit in my lap. She was seated before I knew it and I struggled with how to not embarrass her but avoid her getting any ideas. Lizzie leaned into my side and smiled as she started playing with my hair. 

"I've never been to Vancouver..." she remarked as she kept her eyes on mine and started running her hand up my chest. It made me uncomfortable but I wasn't sure what to do. "If you like what I have to offer...maybe I could join you on the road..." she suggested to me. It was amazing how direct these girls could be about sleeping with you and wanting to join the tour. I didn't blame them. The perks of a rock and roll tour made for some adventure and romance. Travel and expenses paid. It was a alluring combination. I was flattered at her attention and her offer. But wasn't interested. Before I could turn her down Tony pulled his groupie off his lap and stood up. He put his arm around her and turned towards me.

"I think I've found myself a nightcap...ready to go?" Tony inquired. I was ready but didn't know how to handle this girl in my lap.

"Yeah..." I replied and gently nudged at Lizzie to stand up. She stood up and I got to my feet. She quickly had her arm wrapped around my waist. I realized she was quite a bit shorter than me. The top of her head barely met my shoulder. Tony began walking out and Eddie started following him. His arm also around the girl who had picked him up. We headed down the hall to the back entrance and I knew I had to think of something before we arrived at the car. I spotted the men's room. "Hey...I need to stop..." I commented and gestured at Tony to follow me in. He nodded and parted from his girl as I did the same and went into the bathroom. 

I walked up to the urinal as I actually did need to go. Tony did the same and the door flung up and Eddie swaggered inside donning an arrogant smile and took the remaining urinal. 

"I guess we all need a piss..." Tony remarked. I tried to figure out what to say to get help ditching my girl. I zipped up and walked to the sinks. I looked up as Tony approached.

"Hey...I can't take that girl back with me..." I said to him and Tony grinned as he joined me at the sink.

"Oh yeah...you've got someone at home don't you?" he answered. I smiled and nodded at him. He didn't know about Roger and myself but I had told him I was involved with someone. 

"I do...so I need to find a way to get rid of her..." I explained as I finished washing and reached for a paper towel. Tony grabbed one himself and smirked.

"You told that girl last night you had a hot blond waiting for you at home..." he recalled and winked at me. I heard Eddie snicker upon hearing this. I did have a hot blond at home. Even though I was angry at him right now, I had no interest in doing anything with this girl. Or any other for that matter. My smile was genuine as I responded.

"I do...and I'm not interested in anyone else...so can one of you help me out?" I asked as they both dried their hands. Eddie patted my shoulder.

"I can take her off your hands...no worries..." he remarked and Tony shoved playfully at him.

"Hey! I was going to have her join me and my lady..." Tony complained. They were both laughing as we headed out and exited the venue. Tony and I and the two girls got into the limo waiting for us. We were soon on the highway and heading for my address at the rental. Lizzie was sitting next to me and had put her hand on my thigh. Tony took notice and leaned forward from his seat that was facing me.

"It's Lizzie...right?" Tony said to her and she smiled at him. 

"Yes..." she confirmed. Tony gestured at her with his hand to move over to his seat.

"Come here sweetheart..." he requested. She looked at me with uncertainty and Tony kept waving her over. "Look...Lizzie...Brian here is a gentleman and doesn't want to hurt your feelings...but he has a lady at home and can't take you with him..." he told her in a matter of fact tone. Her mouth opened a bit in surprise and she looked at me for confirmation of his words.

"He's right I'm afraid..." I told her. "I'm taken..." she showed disappointment but then gave me a small smile and leaned in and kissed my cheek. 

"Lucky lady..." she remarked and slid from our shared seat and got up and let herself fall into the seat next to Tony. I felt relieved at knowing I was rid of her. She was nice enough and probably would have been good company. I hoped she would enjoy her romp with Tony and his other companion. 

I bid them all goodbye as I was dropped off at the beach house. I unlocked the door and went inside. I felt comfort in knowing I was home with my family and no matter how much I loved my life in the fast lane there was nothing like the sight of my sleeping children and my husband's peaceful face as he laid nestled in bed. Waiting for me to join him. I readied myself for bed and got under the covers next to him. I got comfortable and smiled as Roger rolled over and pressed his face into my chest.

18th July 1980 

And just like that - Roger was gone! He left on an early flight for London so he could then connect on towards Montreux. We had stopped discussing his recording plans since it only made me mad and it ruined our time together with the kids. The kids only took his news about leaving to go make a solo record badly on the first few days. They then seemed to forget about it and moved on to enjoying their time in California. I had hoped Mia would take my side in this but I discovered that she doesn't take sides. I had to remember she isn't Clare. Even though Clare is Roger's sister, I often found her my ally during a lot of disagreements with Roger's choices. Mia opted to stay out of our marital troubles. I had to respect this. 

We had kept the beach house we rented during rehearsals and used it as our home base during the holiday. While we made plans to do some things around the area we were staying in it was nice to have some down time using the pool and nearby beach for swimming and sunning.

It felt strange not having Roger there. It was the first time I was alone with the kids in ages and the first time being alone with just Mia. I was so used to Clare. This was my chance though to get to know Mia better. We got up today and planned to do some shopping. There were loads of shops here that weren't in England and I rented a car and decided to be adventurous and drive us around. We got the children secured in the backseat of Chevy Impala.

I had driven it around the block several times to get accustomed to driving on the right side of the road and got a feel for it fairly quickly. We drove to a nearby shopping center they called a mall. I pulled in the enormous parking area and hoped we could remember where we parked. Mia got Tiger Lily out and I pulled Jimi from his car seat. We were soon walking inside and checking out the 30 plus shops. 

"Is there anything you wanted to look at?" I asked Mia as we surveyed our choices. She shrugged and seemed a bit uncertain. "We're on holiday and I want to buy you something...so pick a shop and let's go..." I ordered nicely. She looked around and pointed to a ladies clothier. I took hold of the children's hand as she scanned the racks of clothing and made a few selections. I followed her over to the dressing room and she went in to try the clothes on while we sat in some chairs waiting.

"What do you think?" Mia asked as she walked out. She had tried on a cute red jumpsuit. It suited her small frame and petite figure and dark hair. I smiled at her.

"It looks really good..." I said honestly. 

"I like it..." Tiger Lily told her. Mia seemed happy with our reviews and returned to try on some other things. I had to convince her to let me buy everything she liked. She thanked me profusely as we left and headed for a toy shop for the kids. We stood and watched Jimi check out some toy cars and Tiger Lily roamed into the Barbie section. I got them each a new toy and a beach play set and we were back in the center of the mall deciding on some food from a large selection of food vendors. The kids wanted McDonalds and I gave in and got them each a Happy Meal. I chose a Filet O Fish for myself and Mia had one as well. She had heard of McDonalds but never had it before. We all sat in the dining area and munched on our fries and sipped our drinks. There was a playground built right next to where we sat and Tiger Lily and Jimi went to play as Mia and I watched.

"I really like that sweater you bought..." I commented to Mia as we kept a close eye on the children. "I was thinking about going back and getting one in blue for Clare..." Mia smiled at me.

"That's thoughtful of you..." she remarked. "You two are pretty close aren't you?" she asked. 

"We are..." I confirmed. I knew Mia was fully aware that Clare had carried Jimi and was his biological mother. I wondered if she knew that Jimi was conceived outside of intercourse. I didn't want to broach the subject because I still felt I didn't know her that well. "I love Clare..." I said honestly and her eyebrows raised. I grinned and shook my head. "Not romantically...just to be clear..." I clarified and her face relaxed. 

"Oh...." was all she said and was silent for a minute as we worked on our fries and watched the kids. "But you had a child with her..." Mia finally blurted out and seemed a little curious as she said it. 

"We did...but in case you don't know...we didn't conceive her by having sex..." I suddenly told her. She looked confused and a little embarrassed at my statement. Why did I say this? "Sorry...I hope I didn't say more than you wanted to know...I just didn't want you thinking there is some weird sexual thing between us..." Mia blushed a little and I felt mortified about how much I had revealed. "You know what? I am going to shut my mouth right now!" I declared and she laughed at my own embarrassment. Now I was the one blushing and put my hands over my face.

"How did we get to this conversation?" she asked me as she calmed down. I shook my head and removed my hands from my face and then smirked at her.

"I believe it started with a sweater..." I reminded her and we both burst out laughing. We calmed down and sat in silence with amused faces as we finished our food and kept watch on the little ones.

\---------------------------------

We finished our shopping expedition and returned to the beach house. Jimi needed a nap and I went out and gathered some sea shells with Tiger Lily. It was a nice afternoon and we found quite a few different colors and shapes as we strolled the beach.

"Can I get some shells for Lulu?" Tigs asked me as she bent down to grab a small cream colored one. 

"Sure..." I responded. "We can find a few to take her..." I loved that Tiger Lily had made a friend. There was a girl in her class with a divorced mother who was a television actress. She lived in the same area and had a nanny as well. Mia had told me about her and that she had got along well with the other nanny when they visited in the school pick up area. I helped her collect a variety of shells and placed them in her plastic bucket. "What do you think?" I asked. "Is this enough?" Tigs sorted through the bucket with her small hands and smiled and then looked up at me. 

"Yes..." she confirmed. I kept hold of the bucket as we walked down the beach. She took my other hand and it felt lovely to have a normal moment with her. She was so cute in her cotton sundress and canvas shoes. Her hair was getting fairly long and I loved that she had some natural curl in it. "Do you think we should get some shells for Papa?" Tigs suddenly asked. I smiled at her and stopped to look around for more shells. 

"We can...but I'm not seeing any around here...how about over there?" I suggested and we walked towards an area closer to the shoreline. We lucked out and found one good sized shell sticking out of the wet sand. I pried it loose and showed it to her. It was mostly white but had beautiful iridescent coloring inside. "What about this one?" I said and she nodded eagerly. 

"I'm going to surprise him with it for his birthday..." she remarked as we rinsed it off in a pool of water nearby and placed it in the top of the bucket. 

"That's lovely poppet..." I told her. "I'm not sure he will be back in time for his actual birthday but we can have a party later on..." I advised her. I hated that he wasn't going to be here for any celebrations. The children love birthdays and would hate missing out on his if he didn't return before they had to leave for home. Tigs and I returned to the house and laid the shells out on the back terrace to dry out. As we stepped inside the telephone was ringing. I rushed over to answer.

"Hey...it's me..." It was Rog calling. It was good to hear from him and I smiled at the sound of his voice. 

"Hi...." 

"I just got back to my hotel...we've been working all day in the studio..." With the 9 hour time difference I realized it was after 1 in the morning in Montreux. 

"Are you happy with your progress?" I asked him. 

"I am...today we finished a track I hoped to complete first..." It was encouraging to hear. If he was going to be absent at least he was being productive. I tried to be supportive despite my resentment. 

"That's great!" I told him. "How many tracks do you hope to complete?" I knew he didn't have enough time to finish an entire album since he was playing all the instruments himself. He had taken on quite the workload.

"For now...just two or three...I know I'll have to come back and do more work..." I knew that was the case. When he could do this was yet to be determined. 

"So when do you think you'll return here?" I questioned. 

"I'm not sure...but it will be in time for Tigs' birthday..." he responded. I was grateful for this. "I'm sorry I won't be there for yours..." he added. 

"I know...I have to admit it feels weird to not share it with you...we've never spent a birthday apart..." I pointed out. 

"I know...thanks for understanding Brimi...I mean it..." he said back. "And by the way...it's after midnight here so it's already the 19th...Happy Birthday!" I smiled at his words.

"Thanks Rog..." I answered. "Do you want to talk to Tiger Lily?" I asked him.

"Yeah...just for a few minutes...I'm pretty tired..." he replied. I got up and found Tiger Lily in the living room and she ran to the phone upon hearing who it was. 

"Hi Papa!" she said excitedly in the phone. I leaned against the counter and enjoyed watching them converse. She was thrilled to speak to him and always found it amazing to know he was halfway around the world when they talked. They spoke for a few minutes and then she handed me the phone.

"Heading to bed?" I asked Roger as I took the phone back.

"Yeah...I'm beat..." he admitted. "Have fun tomorrow and I'll try and call when I get a chance..." he said back. 

"I will...get some rest..." I told him.

"I know you're not very happy I'm here but thanks for understanding...I love you..." I did appreciate his acknowledging my feelings and smiled.

"I love you too Rog...good night..." 

19th July 1980

I fully expected for my birthday to feel a bit flat. I woke up early and alone. I laid in my bed and tried to enjoy the lovely sunshine coming into the large window nearby. Despite the beautiful weather my morning felt lonely. I missed my husband. I finally got up and dressed after washing. I headed downstairs and heard the television was on and smelled the unmistakable scent of butter, syrup and pancakes. The kids were watching cartoons and I found Mia in the kitchen. She looked up in surprise. 

"Oh! I was hoping we would catch you still in bed! Happy Birthday!" she said and looked a little disappointed that I showed up before her apparent plan to bring me breakfast in bed. 

"Thanks...and it's okay...I love that you made pancakes and I'm happy to eat them here..." I told her. She smiled at my words. 

"Roger said they were your favorite and you always had them on your birthday..." Mia remarked. Tigs and Jimi came running into the kitchen.

"Happy Birthday Daddy!" Tigs announced and threw her arms around my legs. Jimi came up to my other leg and pressed himself into me and looked up at me.

"Happy Birthday!" he told me in his tiny voice. This made up for my lonely feeling from earlier and I squatted down to receive hugs and kisses from both of them. 

"Thank you..." I told them. We got seated at the table and I was handed some homemade cards from both of my children which were adorable. Mia started dishing out pancakes. Mine were stacked high with whip cream and a few birthday candles on top. I blew them out and wished for my husband to get back as soon as possible. They were delicious and I had extra syrup to celebrate my turning 33. I had just a few bites left when the telephone rang. It was the first of many calls wishing me a happy birthday. My parents called as well as Clare. Even Tony remembered and soon it was Deacy ringing to wish me well. I spent almost an hour fielding calls and was filled with warmth and gratitude at how many people remembered me today. I hung up with Deacy and we all went to get ready to go swimming when the phone rang yet again. I was in my bedroom changing when I grabbed it.

"Hello..."

"Happy Birthday Brian!" It was Freddie. 

"Thanks Fred..."

"I hope you're enjoying your time off..." he said next.

"I am...except I miss my husband..." I said honestly. 

"Yes...I suspected as much...but you were generous with him and let him go exercise his need to express himself and that is a noble thing..." It was nice to hear someone recognize this.

"Thanks...I try to be understanding about what he wants...even if I think his timing is lousy..." I remarked. 

"I get your point...but Brian I think it is important you two get some time apart from each other...you are together so much and I know from personal experience that time away is good for a relationship..." 

"I guess we haven't spent much time apart...have we?" I remarked.

"You haven't...and I sometimes wonder if that is why you two get on each other's nerves..."

"I don't think we get on each other's nerves..." I argued and Freddie made a gruff sound in the phone. 

"Brian dear...there are times I have wanted to throttle the both of you...but I won't quibble on about that since it is your birthday..." he decided. "Now! What are you doing to celebrate?" he asked and changed his tone.

"I just planned on enjoying some swimming today and then going for Chinese or something later..." I answered. I had made no definitive plans. 

"Well that simply won't do..." Freddie advised. "I'm still in town...we should have dinner!" he suggested. That sounded fun. The kids always enjoyed seeing him.

"Okay..." I agreed. "Somewhere family friendly..." I reminded him. 

"Let's go to Good Fortune...the food is really good there...lots of those vegetables you love so much..." I grinned at his remark.

"Alright..." 

"I'll get us a reservation....how about 9 tonight?" he questioned. Freddie was forgetting the children. 

"That's a bit late for the kids..." I answered and he gasped in the phone.

"Sorry...I forget they live on a much earlier timetable..." he admitted. "I'll make it for 6...though to be honest it will feel like a late lunch for me..." he announced. I laughed at the differences in our personal lives these days. 

"Sounds good..." I responded. I got the address from him and we hung up. It was nice that he wanted to celebrate with me and I looked forward to our dinner.

We spent the day swimming and then had a nap since we were tired out. Everyone got cleaned up and we drove into the city for Chinatown. I located the restaurant and we parked and went inside. It was pretty authentic and was crowded and noisy. The hostess had our reservation listed and we were escorted to a private room near the back. They already had a high chair arranged for Jimi so I got him seated and our waiter arrived and took our drink order. We were the first to arrive. Mia and I were deciding on something on the menu for the kids when Freddie came bounding in. Paul came in behind him carrying a large bakery box and Phoebe was behind him with a wrapped present.

"There's the birthday boy!" Freddie declared and I laughed as he produced a large paper hat and placed it on top of my head. The kids giggled at his antics and he then produced hats for them as well. Freddie plopped down in an empty seat and then placed a hat on his own head. "Alright! Let's eat!" he announced.

I had brought my camera and Paul and Phoebe were kind enough to take some pictures of us all. We ordered way too much food and I convinced the kids to try a few things they'd never had before. Mia seemed to be enjoying herself and after we finished our meal Paul opened the bakery box to show us a cake. The waiter brought plates and forks and we enjoyed some slices of the chocolate fudge cake Freddie had brought along. 

I opened the gift Freddie had brought and was delighted to find a Junior Scrabble game to play with my kids. To my immense surprise there was also a Victorian stereo picture card that Freddie had found when perusing an antique shop in downtown Los Angeles. It was a thoughtful gift. 

We finished our celebration and headed back home. A Disney movie was on the television so we tucked in to watch. After it ended I put my children to bed and then wandered into the kitchen to find Mia getting ready to paint her fingernails at the table.

"Boy...that brings back memories..." I remarked as I opened a bottle of wine. "Want a glass?" I asked her as I held the bottle up for her to see. She nodded.

"Yes...that would be lovely..." she answered. "That's right...you had the white fingernails...right?" she remarked as I poured the wine and carried the glass over to her. I noticed she had the radio turned on low and it was playing a song by Chicago. 

"Yes...and Freddie wore black..." I confirmed. We both were smirking as she shook the bottle of dark pink polish. "May I?" I requested. She shrugged but then handed me the bottle.

"Alright...I guess you've had enough practice..." she commented. I uncapped the bottle and took hold of her left hand after readying the applicator brush. I carefully guided the polish over her nails and she watched me intently. I managed to avoid getting any of the liquid on her skin. "I'm impressed..." she said after I finished her first hand. She took a drink of her wine before she gave me her right hand.

"Yeah...we've moved on from our glam days..." I told her as I focused on her right hand nails. She grinned at me.

"What about that eyeliner?" she questioned in a cheeky manner. I chuckled at her observation. 

"Okay...maybe we kept a few of the trappings..." I admitted as I slid the polish over her index finger. I finished up and we sat and watched her nails dry. She cautiously took a few sips of wine to keep from smudging her paint job. I noticed how delicate her hands were. Smaller than Clare's and her nails did look nice. "You have nice hands..." I commented as I took the last sip in my wine glass. 

"You have beautiful hands for a man..." she countered. "They looked really good with the white polish..." I raised my hand up and looked over it. I had been told before I had nice hands. Roger said he liked them. 

"Thanks..." I finally said in response to her compliment. She just smiled at me. "Want another glass of wine?" I asked. My own was empty and there was another two servings in the large bottle. 

"Sure...thanks..." she replied. I got up and refilled us both. A new song started on the radio and I realized I hadn't heard it in years. I turned it up before walking back to the table. It was an early Bee Gees song. I started singing the words.

I can think of younger days when living for my life   
Was everything a man could want to do   
I could never see tomorrow   
But I was never told about the sorrow   
And how can you mend a broken heart?   
How can you stop the rain from falling down?   
How can you stop the sun from shining?   
What makes the world go round?

I kept up singing the words as I took my seat and Mia sat and listened to me wearing a sweet smile. As I relived this song from my past I recalled this being the very number I used to mourn the loss of my first serious girlfriend. I could remember the pain of us breaking up and feeling like I was unlucky in love. It must have changed my tone or expression.

"You okay?" Mia suddenly asked me. "You look sad..." she observed. 

"I'm okay...it's this song..." I told her. "I think the last time I heard it was when I was getting over a breakup with my first serious girlfriend..." I explained. Mia looked surprised.

"Girlfriend?" she questioned. I laughed at bit at her question. 

"Yes! A girlfriend...I had a few of those before I ever met Rog..." I advised her. She took a sip of her wine and leaned towards me. 

"Can I ask you a personal question?" 

"Sure!" I said. I was feeling relaxed after almost finishing my second glass of wine.

"Were you always interested in guys and just dated girls for cover or do you like both?" she asked with curiosity. I grinned at her. It wasn't the first time I had been asked this.

"I had never been aware of any interest I had in another guy until I met Roger and we had been friends for a while....and then things just happened between us and we've been together ever since..." I explained. She was silent for a minute as she took in my statement. She then took a big drink of wine which told me she had another personal question for me. 

"So have you been with a lot of girls?" she asked. I felt a little embarrassed and it wasn't because of the actual question. It was because I felt my answer would be disappointing. 

"Not many to be perfectly honest....around 4..." I said truthfully. I waited for her reaction but she didn't seem let down or shocked. 

"I've never been with a girl..." Mia confessed to me. This wasn't a surprise as I had never had any inference from her that she was gay or bisexual. "Or a boy for that matter..." she then revealed. I realized she was telling me she had never had sex. Now this was a bit unexpected.

"So?" I questioned and she blushed a bit and nodded.

"I'm a virgin!" she confirmed. I suddenly felt incredibly awkward about all the of the things I had said to her about anything of a sexual nature.

"Mia...I am so sorry about the things I said to you earlier today...and tonight...I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable..." I said with complete remorse. She smiled and reached over and patted my arm.

"No...no...it was fine!" she responded and looked sincere. "It didn't bother me...to be honest I'm incredibly curious...I just haven't been interested in doing anything about it..." she explained.

"You haven't met anyone you were interested in...sexually?" I asked her carefully. I wanted to understand what her situation was. 

"No....I really think I might just not be interested in having sex..." Mia clarified. She then had a nervous laugh. "I find it all fascinating and love to hear about other people's experiences, but I have never felt that same need or drive that everyone talks about....I guess that makes me a bit weird...." she commented. I didn't think so. If I had learned anything in my life it was that we are all very different when it comes to sexuality and what we do or don't do with it.

"No...I think it just makes you human....and it makes you...you..." I said back. She gave me a warm smile and raised her glass to me.

"To being human..." she toasted. I smiled back and we touched glasses and sipped what was left of our drink.


	123. Everybody Play The Game - Part 4

31st July 1980

Montreux Switzerland

Roger's POV

"Can you play back that last bit for me?" I asked Dave. He nodded and reversed the tape and then played the last section of the recording. We both listened and I heard my mistake again.

"I heard it this time..." Dave remarked. "You want to redo it?" he asked. I nodded and got up from the desk and walked into the recording booth. I grabbed my headphones and put them on and then slipped the guitar strap over my shoulder. I checked the settings and then waited for Dave to give me the signal. He gestured and I began to play the rhythm lines for my track. We went through the entire section and then Dave stopped the tape. I leaned my arms over the top of the guitar and felt the fatigue of being in this studio for ten hours. I then heard Dave's voice. "Here is the replay..." We both listened and this time it sounded right. I gave him a thumbs up when it finished and then glanced at my watch. 

"I think we need to pack it in..." I informed Dave. He nodded and waved me back into the control room. I sighed heavily and stood up as I pulled the guitar strap away from my neck. Crystal came in balancing a cigarette on his lips as he took the guitar from me.

"I'll get this put up..." he remarked. 

"Thanks..." I replied gratefully and stopped to stretch a bit before walking back to the control booth. Dave was pulling a tape from the machine. 

"I guess you won't have any more time until after the tour..." he questioned. 

"This leg goes through the end of September...but then we have to finish work on Flash Gordon..." I answered. "Since we will be in the studio working on this...I am hoping to find some spare time..." I answered.

"It's a shame you couldn't stay another week right now..." I shook my head.

"I really need to see my kid..." I reminded him. He nodded understanding.

"It was nice of Brian to keep her for you while you recorded..." Dave remarked. I had not revealed our relationship to my engineer. I liked Dave and we worked well together and he was part of the studio we purchased. But he was a newcomer to our organization and I wasn't confident in him knowing yet. For now, this was fine.

"Yeah...he's a good friend..." was all I responded with. "We share a nanny on the road so it works out well..." Dave smiled at me and I smiled back. I grabbed my belongings from the table in the small room and put them in my bag. Crystal came in as I was putting on my jacket.

"Ready Rog?" Crystal asked. 

"Yeah...let's go..." I answered. I turned to Dave and extended my hand to him. "Thanks again Dave...I've really liked working with you and I will let you know when I can make it back to finish up..." he shook my hand and looked pleased to hear my comments. 

"Oh! You almost forgot!" he said and turned and grabbed a cassette tape. "You wanted a copy of this...said it was for your someone special..." he remarked and winked at me. I was relieved he remembered. I was so bloody tired I couldn't think straight right now.

"Thanks...it is for someone very special..." I answered and took the plastic case from him. 

"Good luck with the tour and I'll hear from you soon..." Dave said and I waved goodbye as I walked with Crystal out of the studio. 

"I'll be back in the morning to collect your equipment and then I'll catch that 10 am flight out..." Crystal advised me as we left the casino lobby and headed to the car park to get back to the hotel. "You want anything to eat?" he asked as we got inside the car.

"No...just want to get a bit of rest..." I said back. I was silent and fighting sleep as we took the short drive to the hotel. Crystal had to nudge me awake to get out of the car and trudge through the lobby. We road up to our floor and then I collapsed in my room.

I was up with my alarm despite my fatigue and drowsy state. I stepped into the shower and kept it cool to wake me up. I made quick work of getting ready and soon had my suitcase packed and was stepping out the door. Crystal was settling our hotel bills before he collected my instruments and then heading out. I was going straight to the airport for the early flight out. I arrived at the departures area and checked in for my flight. To my dismay there was a delay. I hoped I wouldn't miss my London connection. I accepted my boarding pass from the attendant and walked down to the VIP lounge. My first class seat afforded me entrance.

Just outside the lounge entrance I stopped and stared. To my complete amazement I saw David Bowie using the telephone. He looked up after lighting a cigarette and noticed me and I exchanged a look of recognition with him and then hurriedly went into the VIP lounge. I was handed a fresh coffee and I tried to blow off the sighting as I lit a cigarette and let out a relaxing breath. It certainly wasn't the first time I had seen this hero of mine. I remembered my first sighting all those years back at Trident Studios. It was a brief encounter then as well. I had also seen him a few times at the occasional party or industry event. Like us, he had left England to avoid the heavy tax burden a few years back. I knew he had a big problem with drugs and had divorced his wife of 10 years at the beginning of the year.

I focused on my cigarette and coffee and checked my watch. My flight should be heading out in an hour and I hoped there was no further delay. I finished my smoke and smashed it in the tray when I heard someone say my name.

"Roger Taylor?" a female asked. I turned to see Dominique Beyrand standing next to me. She looked as gorgeous as she did all those years back. Her long dark hair and petite figure.

"Dominique!" I said back with a friendly smile. I stood up to be polite and we exchanged a brief hug and she kissed my cheek. 

"What a surprise to see you here...I thought Queen was on tour..." she remarked. It was interesting that she knew the schedule of my band. 

"We are...there was a three week break..." I answered. "How do you know our schedule?" I questioned. She smiled as she took a seat next to the one I had been seated in. I sat down after her.

"I still work in the business...so I keep tabs on the big acts..." she explained. I assumed her work with Richard Branson had opened some door for her. I was happy for her. 

"So what are you doing these days?" I asked her. "Still working for Virgin or somewhere else?" she pulled out her business card and handed it to me. 

"I do freelance now...mostly promotional work..." she answered and I looked at her card. "Keep the card...in case you ever need any P.R. help..." I nodded and tucked it in my jacket pocket.

"So were you working here or on a holiday?" I then asked.

"I'm doing some work for RCA and David Bowie...he has a new single out..." she replied. "I was here going over some details with him and then he is flying to London for some appearances..." That explained why he was in the airport. I presumed they were on my flight. We were interrupted by an attendant bringing a cup of coffee to Dominique. "Merci..." she told them as she took the cup and sipped it. We both sat and drank our coffee. I saw Dominique eyeing me and felt a little self conscious about it.

"Are you flying back to London with David?" I asked. She nodded and got a curious look on her face. She leaned closer.

"Are you still with the guitarist?" she asked me quietly. I immediately looked around the room and saw only one other person a few rows over. He was an older business man who seemed engrossed in his newspaper. It seemed safe to speak.

His name is Brian...and yes...we are still together..." I answered confidently. Dominique had a heartful expression. 

"That's lovely..." she remarked. "I don't see many people in this business staying together..." she sipped her coffee. "Even David and Angie didn't make it...and they had a somewhat open relationship..." Dominique said with a hint of sadness. I had read plenty about David's candid talk of his sexual proclivities. I actually admired his courage to be open and honest about it. There were also all the rumors of famous people he had supposedly slept with. Most on the list were men.

"We've had our challenges...but we're happy..." I answered. An announcement came over the speaker and it was in French. I didn't understand much but saw Dominique's face fall. "What is it?" I questioned. 

"The flight to London still has mechanical problems...it has been canceled..." she answered. 

"Shit!" I exclaimed and looked at my watch as I stood up. I needed to find out when I could get out of Montreux. I had a connection to catch. "I'm going to miss my connecting flight..." I murmured as Dominique stood up as well. 

"Roger....we were worried about this so David was calling someone about a private flight...let me go check to see if he was able to get one..." she advised me and set her cup down and walked out of the room. I went to the counter and showed my boarding pass to the attendant. He looked it over.

"My apologies Monsieur...let me check on a new flight..." he informed me in a thick accent and picked up his telephone. I stood there and felt anxious about getting to Los Angeles when I needed to. As I listened to the attendant speak on the phone the door opened and Dominique returned wearing a smile. She walked over and picked up the handbag she had left in her chair. 

"We have a flight!" Dominique advised as she walked over to me. "You are welcome to join us if you wish..." It was tempting. I wondered about my checked luggage and then remembered Crystal. 

"That would be brilliant!" I replied. "I can help over the cost..." I advised and she shook her head.

"RCA will cover it...they need David in London today as he has appearances..." she explained. She held her hand out to me. "Come on then..." she requested. I gratefully took her hand and she held it firmly as we exited the lounge and I found David Bowie standing with his cigarette and smiling at the both of us. His sleek figure and mesmerizing eyes held my gaze.

"I hear you needed rescuing..." David remarked and his wicked smile sent a shiver through my body.

\--------------------------

We were taken to the other side of the airport in a transport cart and dropped off at a private gate. I made a quick phone call to Crystal about my suitcase and my flight. The three of us were soon aboard a small Lear jet and gliding down the runway for London. Due to the short notice there was only the pilot behind his closed door and no stewardess. Once we were air born Dominique opened up a bottle of champagne from the galley and served the three of us a glass each.

"Thanks.." I told her and watched as she sat down next to David and they shared an expression that made me wonder if they had been intimate.

"So Dom tells me that you need to get to L.A. right away..." David remarked to me. I nodded as I took a sip of the crisp beverage.

"Yes...I am trying to get back in time for my daughter's birthday..." I explained. His face brightened hearing this.

"That's right...I heard you have a kid too..." he replied. "I just got custody of my son...so I understand why you want to get back...I'm glad we could help you out..." 

"Thanks...your son is Zowie....right?" I said back. I believed that was his son's name. David grinned.

"Yes...well his actual name is Duncan...but we call him that...of course he uses his real name for school...makes it easier.....Duncan Jones..." David advised. That made sense to me. I knew the challenges of having a famous name and your child in school. "What's your daughter's name?" Bowie asked me. 

"Tiger Lily..." I answered and an amused expression formed on both Dom and David's faces.

"That's enchanting..." he replied. I grinned at them.

"I quite like it...it suits her..." I remarked. Dom leaned over and patted David's arm.

"Roger is in a relationship with the guitarist in his band..." Dom suddenly told him. I wasn't keen on this being general knowledge, even with David's own background. He immediately eyed me with a curious expression and lit a fresh cigarette.

"I'd appreciate it if you would keep that information private..." I requested of both of them. "I have kids..." I added for emphasis. Dom's eyebrows raised.

"Kids? You have more than one?" she questioned. I realized I had said too much. Shit!

"Confidentially speaking...I have a child and so does Brian...they are being raised together...so it's like I have two...alright...but please...don't share this...it's important to keep this private..." I pleaded. They both looked understanding. 

"Of course...its just fascinating that you've managed to keep it private..." David observed. "But I guess with Freddie garnering all the press attention it helps..." He was right. Now, more than ever, the spotlight was on Fred. It did help us keep a low profile.

"It does yes..." I agreed. David honed in on me and crossed his legs as he gestured with his hand towards me. I noticed he was as thinner than Brian and not nearly as tall. His face was almost gaunt and the years of drug use showed in his eyes. 

"So what is the secret to a happy relationship in rock and roll?" David inquired. "I'm curious...the open relationship didn't work out for me in the end...is your relationship that way?" I could see he was genuinely keen to know and felt like I was in discreet company. Dominique knew about us going back several years and I never heard anything in the news about us coming from her as a source. It was kind of oddly exciting for David Bowie to be asking me about relationship advice. 

"We don't have an open relationship...we're fully committed..." I clarified. Dom was nodding her head as I spoke.

"It's true...I had a wonderful flirtation with Roger a few years back and he turned me down...it was evident from his face and Brian's that they were together...faithful..." she remarked. I laughed a little at the memory.

"Yeah...that flirtation landed me in some hot water I'll have you know..." I responded. She looked amused and then stood up. "Excuse me gentleman..." she announced and grabbed her handbag as she walked to the back of the plane. I watched her enter the toilet.

"I have to know...are you gay? Bisexual?" David asked me bluntly. I smiled at him.

"Bisexual...I've had girlfriends in the past..." I said honestly. David shifted in his seat and leaned closer. His cigarette smoke swirled between us as he looked me in the eye. His different colored eyes in the smoke were hypnotic.

"And boyfriends in the past?" he questioned. I shook my head.

"Only Brian..." I told him. David got a gleam in his eye and then moved his hand over to my knee. I wondered what his intention was as he cupped my knee and ran his thumb over the cap.

"I know most people think my type is someone more like Freddie...but can I say that you are a very attractive man..." he said in a smooth tone. I was genuinely flattered. I noted he was still stroking my knee. I didn't want any misunderstanding between us. As exciting and mesmerizing as the thought of doing something with this enigmatic man was, I only wanted my husband. I placed my hand over his on my knee and smiled at him.

"I appreciate the compliment..." I said carefully and gently lifted his hand from my leg. David got the hint and chuckled a bit as he pulled his hand away and leaned back in his chair again. He crossed his legs and inhaled on his cigarette.

"You are committed...I admire that..." he commented as he looked at me with admiration. 

"I've been with Brian for over ten years....him and the kids are the best thing in my life..." I explained. Bowie exhaled his smoke. 

"Then I wish you a speedy and safe journey back to your family..." he replied and winked at me.

\-------------------------------

The remainder of our flight shifted to talk of children and managing the life of touring and sitting in recording studios. We even pulled out photographs of our kids and David and Dom cooed over them. Duncan was a lovely boy who was nearing his teen years. It made me miss my own kids even more. I found out Dom was still single and enjoyed her career and the people she met in her work. She was a free spirit who didn't play by the rules. Our flight landed and we parted company after I thanked them again for the rescue flight. I hustled it to my connecting gate and was soon on the long flight to America. My first class seat provided me with the chance to get some sleep and I remained low profile under a sleep mask and a blanket for most of the flight.

Ten hours later I was in JFK walking with just my carry on to catch a flight to Los Angeles. There wasn't even time to make a phone call after going through customs. I had not told Brian when I was returning as I wasn't sure until the day before. Between the time difference and my tight flight schedule I realized I would be surprising my family by arriving on their doorstep.

I was recognized on the flight out west and chatted with a deejay from a Los Angeles station. I enjoyed the visit and managed to avoid any commitment to appear at his radio station. I explained my family's holiday and then us resuming our tour. He was amiable and I signed an autograph for his kid sister.

After landing I hailed a taxi and was soon on my way to the beach house. I was dying for a shower and some fresh clothes. I was also completely messed up on what time of day it was supposed to be. It was dark out and I got the time from the driver and adjusted my watch. I cursed as I realized the kids would already be in bed. The taxi pulled up at 11:15 at night. I paid the driver with the last of the American currency in my wallet and quietly opened the front door. I heard no sounds and wondered if Brian and Mia had gone to bed already. I checked the downstairs rooms and then crept upstairs.

I found the door to the children's room opened and peeked inside. Both of them were sound asleep and looked beautiful and peaceful. I heard a sound and saw Brian poking his head out of our bedroom door. He looked surprised and then formed a massive grin at the sight of me.

"You're back!" he said quietly but happily as I turned and walked his way. He opened his arms to me and I let him hug me close as I took in the familiar scent of his shampoo and skin. It felt good to be home. Home being wherever he is. Brian pulled me into our bedroom and closed the door as I pulled my bag from my shoulder and dropped it on the floor and suddenly felt exhausted.

"I wanted to be back in time...like I promised..." I explained to him as he looked me over. He gently took hold of my chin and frowned at me.

"You look worn out Rog..." he remarked. I felt worn out. I let out a sigh. 

"Take me to bed..." I requested. Brian leaned close and we shared a soft kiss before he put his arm around me and walked me towards the bed. I stopped him and then made my way to the bathroom as Brian watched. I felt weary as I forced myself to use the toilet and brush my teeth. I knew I would sleep better for it. I peeled off my travel clothes and left them in a pile on the bathroom floor as I walked back into the bedroom.

"Where's your suitcase?" Brian asked me as I came towards the bed where he was seated.

"It's a long story that I will gladly tell you tomorrow..." I answered. He looked sympathetic to my delay in story telling as I climbed onto the bed. Brian had already pulled back the bedclothes so I laid down on my side and felt like I could pass out. I curled into a ball of fatigue as my eyes closed and I felt Brian kiss my head.

\--------------------------------

1st August 1980

"Why did you pick that car?" I asked Brian as I stared at the horrid American sedan he had been driving around on holiday. It was embarrassing to me and I questioned if I wanted to be seen in it let alone drive it. Brian shrugged at me.

"It was practical and has a lot of room..." he answered. I tried not to look put out by his choice and remembered I owed him big time for my absence these past two weeks. 

"Let's just go..." I responded and noticed Mia looking amused at our exchange about the vehicle. I walked around to get in the driver side but Brian did as well. We both looked at each other and I decided to let him operate this ugly boat. "You drive..." I told him and walked to the other side as I hoped the outing would go better than how this moment was panning out. I slid my sunglasses on and prayed no one recognized us today.

"What is this place called again?" Tigs asked as Brian pulled out of the drive and into traffic. My daughter was trying to remember what our outing was for today.

"An observatory..." I replied as Brian focused on the road. She looked confused. "It's a place where you can look at space and the planets..." I explained to her. I noticed Brian smile at my words. 

"Why do we want to look at space?" Tigs questioned. I grinned at her.

"Because it's the final frontier..." I responded and Brian laughed at my reference to the American television show Star Trek.

We arrived at Griffith Observatory and I got the pushcart from the car and got Jimi settled in it. Brian was visibly excited as I began pushing Jimi and Tiger Lily from the car park to the grounds.

We strolled the area outside the building and enjoyed the wide view. Well - what you could see. When we tried to see downtown Los Angeles it was buried in a massive cloud of smog. But we could clearly see the Hollywood sign. Brian was taking loads of pictures and had out his stereo camera. Mia and I followed him inside the building as he walked around in delight. 

"What is that?" Tiger Lily asked as we approached a large hole in the floor. People were standing around it. Brian lifted her up to look down into it. 

"It's a pendulum..." Brian explained to her. He began to talk about how they worked and were once used to tell us the time. She listened to him and began asking questions. I loved watching how engaged they were with each other. I got Jimi out of his cart for a look and he mostly stared at the swinging arm and was mesmerized by all the people around us and the sound of Brian talking.

We moved on and Tiger Lily had taken hold of Brian's hand. This place may not be my ideal afternoon but she seemed to really enjoy the exhibits and enjoyed asking Brian loads of questions. There was a room that housed a Camera Obscura and Brian was elated to see it. Nothing was better for him than mixing his love of photography and astronomy. Well, except if he could play a guitar soundtrack over it then it would be perfect.

Jimi and Tiger Lily listened as Brian went over each aspect of the mechanism and I watched in awe at Brian's ability to put it all in terms they could understand. I felt a tap of my arm and turned to see Mia smiling at me.

"How does he know all this stuff?" Mia asked me in wonder. I grinned at her and pointed proudly to my husband.

"People forget he came close to getting a Phd in Astrophysics..." I reminded her. "It's not well known but Brian actually taught school at one time..." I added. "So he has a bit of practice explaining stuff to kids..." Mia grinned at me.

"Well it's good to know he has something to fall back on when Queen flops!" she teased. We continued listening in on Brian's lesson and I managed to take a few photos of them all looking at different exhibits together. When we reached a room with a telescope I found myself intrigued by some of the things you could see with the viewer. Brian was explaining something about the instrument he had used in Tenerife when a man walked up to us.

"You seem to know a lot about all this...do you work here?" he asked Brian. I was impressed that he thought Brian was a staff member. He was probably as gifted as any scientist working here.

"No...I'm no scientist...." Brian replied. I hated how dismissive Brian was of his accomplishments.

"He has a degree...he's just not active right now..." I clarified. The man nodded appreciation and moved on. I took hold of Brian's arm and he turned to face me.

"Why didn't you tell him you are a scientist?" I asked him directly. Brian shrugged but his expression told me it was more than just nothing. He looked down at the floor.

"I didn't finish Rog..." he reminded me in a sullen tone. I pressed my fingers into his arm and looked him in the eye when he looked back up.

"It doesn't matter than you didn't finish...what matters is how much you accomplished..." I said back. Brian's demeanor changed and he stood up a little straighter as he absorbed my words. "You went further in school than any of us...most of your friends even..." I added. "Don't forget that...you are much more than than that guitar slung around your neck..." I seemed to make my point as his face brightened. He formed an actual smile.

"You're right!" he said. "I am..." I noticed Mia looking at me with admiration in her eyes. She had heard our conversation. I felt a hand tug on my wrist. 

"Papa! I'm hungry!" Tigs announced. I was too and looked over at Brian. 

"I guess we need to get some lunch..." I informed him. 

"Okay! But we have to stop in the gift shop before we go...." he insisted.

Later that day

The temperature in the swimming pool at the rental house was divine and eased my aching body. Between my fatigue from sitting in a recording studio for hours on end for two weeks and the long flight back here I enjoyed loosening up. I had started getting some formal exercise lately to stay in shape. The tours were beginning to be a little challenging past age 30. Our trainer on tour suggested it since we generally had proximity to a pool and had built one at home. No one was in the pool so I swam several lengths in a row. I pulled myself from the water near the stack of towels. I grabbed one to dry my hair and then toweled off as I heard Brian's voice in the distance. I walked over where I could see my family.

Tiger Lily and Brian were sitting on the grass and looking up at the night sky. We had a pretty clear view here by the beach. I stood and listened to their discussion about the stars and realized they had just found a whole new level on which to bond. Jimi and Mia were on a nearby blanket and Jimi was asleep. I knew it was about time for them to get to bed. We had a big day tomorrow. I made my way towards them.

"It's about time for bed..." I announced and both Tiger Lily and Brian looked disappointed. 

"I can carry Jimi up since you're wet..." Mia offered. 

"Thanks..." I replied as Brian and Tiger Lily stood up and Brian brushed his jeans off. Tiger Lily mimicked him which made me grin. 

"We've got a big day tomorrow...so it's time for a good night's sleep and some nice dreams.." Brian said to her. She beamed at him and he bent down to share a sweet kiss with her.

"Thanks Daddy!" Tiger Lily told him politely. "I can't wait for Disneyland but I sure had fun in space!" I laughed at her comment but Brian just looked proud to have shown her such a good time. 

"C'mon poppet!" he announced and grabbed her and swooped her over his shoulder as she giggled. "Let's rocket off to bed!" he told her lightheartedly. 

I watched my family head towards the house and smiled at the special moment I had just witnessed with my husband and daughter.

'Fun in Space..' I said to myself and thought it might make for an amusing song title.


	124. Everybody Play The Game - Part 5

30th September 1980

New York City, New York

Brian's POV

"Hello..."

"Hey - we just got the call about the U.S. charts...we'll be number one next week!" It wasn't really a surprise at this point. The song had charted at #3 this past week. We had hit number one with 'Crazy Little Thing' and now we're doing it again with 'Another One Bites The Dust.' I felt a pang of envy since my song, 'Save Me,' hadn't fared as well but it probably wasn't the right genre for the moment. It seemed like the type of songs Freddie and Deacy wrote were really striking hot with a resurgence of rock-a-billy and funk. I was happy for my bandmates. I found a smile for Deacy.

"That's fantastic!" I responded. "Congrats Deaks!" I told him and hoped it came across sincerely.

"Thanks Bri....we can celebrate tonight!" he said excitedly. "See you at the club..." 

"Alright..." I said back and hung up the phone. I got up from the bed and walked to the bathroom to watch Roger style his hair. He was spraying his roots and eyeing his work in the mirror. I really like his hair at this length but he groaned about how challenging it was to keep styled. He was toying with the idea of cutting it shorter on top.

"Who was on the phone?" Roger asked as he used his fingers to fix a spot on his hair. 

"Deaks...we're number one next week..." I told him. Roger grinned and looked at me using the mirror. 

"That's great!" he said with a broad smile. He then gave me a furrowed brow. "You don't seem as thrilled as you should be...we're number one Bri!" I found another smile for him and walked into the bathroom and stood behind him. I checked my hair and ran my fingers through each side to fluff out the volume and loosen some curls that had dried too tight.

"I'm happy...just a bit tired is all..." I responded. Roger didn't say anything but moved his eyes back to his hair. 

"You going to be okay for tonight?" he questioned. "You know how long these parties go..." He is right. It is the end of the North American tour and our after parties were usually all night affairs. We had left Madison Square Garden right after the show ended so we could shower and dress for the big bash. A nightclub had been reserved for our use and it promised to be one of our best parties. Sitting on top of the charts was the ultimate way to end our tour. I was up for it. I didn't have a choice anyway. I had to be there. 

"I'm good..." I answered and tried to appear confident in my answer. Roger grinned hearing this.

"I need you there...help me raise a glass to Bonham..." Roger commented as he finished his hair. John Bonham, the drummer for Led Zeppelin, had died a few days ago and Roger had been shook up by the news. Bonham was his favorite drummer. It spelled the end of Zeppelin and all of us were saddened by this. I stepped back to let him pass by and reached for the eyeliner pencil on the vanity. Since we might have pictures taken tonight I quickly drew a thin line under each eye. I stood back to check my appearance in the mirror.

"Shit!" I heard Roger shout. I walked into the bedroom to find him staring at a jacket he had laid out on the bed. "There's a fucking tear in the armpit!" he complained as he showed me the rip in the satin material. Roger tossed the jacket over a chair in disgust. He walked to the wardrobe and grabbed a burgundy jacket from a hanger and slipped it on as he walked to stand in front of the mirror. I went in the wardrobe for my own jacket. I stood trying to decide if I wanted a sportscoat or a leather jacket. It was getting pretty cool at night. Roger walked to the bathroom as I mulled over my decision.

"Hey Bri! Can you bring me my leather suit jacket?" Roger asked. I delayed my own dress decision and fanned through the large amount of clothes Roger had in the wardrobe. He had unpacked everything since we were in town for a week. I found the jacket and went to pull it from the hanger and lost my grip. It fell to the floor. I picked it up and noticed a business card had fallen out of the pocket. I glanced at it as I went to return it to the pocket and immediately recognized the name.

Dominique Beyrand

"Did you find it?" Roger yelled from the bathroom. I glared at the card and wondered what it was doing in his jacket. There was no way this card was from a few years back. He had bought this jacket last winter and I remembered picking it up with some dry cleaning right before we left on tour. He had procured this card since we left for the states. I heard Roger coming back towards me and I shoved the card into my trouser pocket. Roger peered into the wardrobe and looked at me.

"Here it is..." I declared and handed him the jacket. Roger looked pleased as he slid the jacket on over his black dress shirt and slim silver necktie. He looked amazing as usual. I wondered if he had looked that good when he last saw Dominique. It made my insides churn and my face felt hot as the consideration.

"Get a jacket...we need to go..." Roger told me. I jerked myself from my thoughts and grabbed my own leather coat and slipped it on as I tried to focus on getting ready. I walked out of the wardrobe and Roger looked me over. I noticed a wrinkle in his brow and could tell something had annoyed him.

"What?" I questioned and it came out a bit harsh. Roger's eyes went straight to my feet. It was clear he wasn't happy with my choice of shoes. I know he doesn't like my clogs but I don't really care. Right now it irritated the hell out of me. He was judging something about me? My mind spun with retorts regarding his cheating being more important than my choice of footwear.

"It's going to be cold tonight...might want to wear some thicker socks..." was Roger's only criticism. I huffed to myself and walked to my suitcase and grabbed a thicker pair of socks and quickly changed as Roger grabbed his cigarettes, lighter and sunglasses. I fumbled around for my wallet and room key and decided that I needed to let go of my discovery for now and ask him about it later. We did have a celebration to go to.

"Ready?" I asked him in an even voice. Roger nodded and we headed out for the party. We were soon in a limo with some of our roadies and I worked on focusing on tonight and having a good time. I reminded myself that the business card wasn't going anywhere and it could wait until tomorrow. I also considered that this wasn't his first offense and I had accepted this would happen. I found a smile and tried to participate in the conversation in the car.

\------------------------------ 

The nightclub was already lively and full of invited guests. The music was loud and there was a large area with a dance floor and strobe lights. The other end of the massive room was quieter with stand up tables and a large inground fish pond that glowed with the color of the golden fish. There was a food buffet and expansive bar nearby with some regular tables and chairs for eating. The most interesting aspect of the club was the wait staff. The woman were topless and only had on bottoms with stockings and high heels. The men wore only skimpy gym shorts. It was quite a mixed crowd tonight of rock and roll revelers and Freddie's New York contingent of friends.

Deacy was already on the dance floor celebrating his hit record and had two girls at his side. Freddie didn't have a real date since he had broke up with his boyfriend earlier in the tour. He was surrounded by a coterie of party people and was already on his way to being drunk.

"Want a drink?" Roger asked me. I nodded and followed him to the bar. He got himself a whisky and I ordered a vodka tonic. We were both soon drinking and mingling. Crystal and Roger started talking to a group of people I didn't recognize. They were quickly sharing laughs and I saw a woman come up to them. I could only see her from the back and saw she had long dark hair. It reminded me of Dominique and for a moment I thought it was her. She was speaking to Roger and he was giving her his full attention. My heart started pounding in my chest and I fought a desire to barge over and confront her and Roger. I then realized it wasn't her when she finally turned for a minute; but then wondered if it really mattered. My deepest beliefs about his fidelity seemed to ring true. I wondered if he had cheated while away in Montreux. I emptied my vodka and went to get another.

I tried to carry on a conversation with Gerry Stickells. We were talking about photography and soon Ratty joined in. I knew Ratty was keen on starting a side career taking pictures and let his enthusiasm cheer me up for a while. I had a few more drinks and even went with him to grab a little plate of hors d'oeuvres. We returned to our seats and continued chatting about lenses. He was telling me a story about some pictures he had taken during our New York shows and I noticed Roger get up from his group of people and he went towards the toilets. I shrugged it off until I saw that woman from his table heading the same direction.

"Brian?" Ratty suddenly asked and I realized I had stopped paying him any attention. I turned back to him quickly as I eyed the hallway for the toilets.

"Sorry...you were saying?" I said back. Before he could respond the music had changed over to play 'Another One Bites The Dust.' Everyone started cheering and standing and heading for the dance floor. Ratty grabbed me by the arm and dragged me with him. I kept my eye towards the toilets but then got pulled into a crowd of people and couldn't see much beyond the sea of faces and high hairdos. 

"Get over here!" Freddie barked at me. I was moved his direction and found myself having to dance with my band mates. Roger wasn't around but I smiled and let myself get drawn into some type of line dance they were doing. I was anxious about it since I'm a horrible dancer. Phoebe stood at my side and tried to guide me through it. I did find myself laughing and enjoying the revelry of the moment despite my poor dance steps. Paul came onto the dance floor carrying two bottles of open champagne. Freddie grabbed one and began drinking from the opening. He handed it to me and I took a large drink. Some of it spilled down my shirt front and I gasped but laughed at the mess I made. Deacy was working on the other bottle and I saw Roger suddenly appear. He came over and grabbed the bottle from Deacy and proceeded to empty it down his throat. Everyone was laughing and singing the song as I watched Roger shout out the words and Deacy had his arm around him. Freddie pulled me into his side and I let go and joined in the celebration. It felt good to share the moment with them and just be mates. Our song ended with a massive round of applause and a new song began. It was a recent hit from The Rolling Stones and was a new sound for them.

I'm so hot for her, I'm so hot for her  
I'm so hot for her and she's so cold  
I'm so hot for her, I'm on fire for her  
I'm so hot for her and she's so cold

I'm the burning bush, I'm the burning fire  
I'm the bleeding volcano  
I'm so hot for her, I'm so hot for her  
I'm so hot for her and she's so cold

I tried to make my way from the dance floor and noticed Roger had started dancing with that woman who had been at his table earlier. The one who had disappeared down the hallway after him. My stomach knotted at the sight of them together and my hands formed fists. I felt a mix of anger and anxiety watching them. I stepped towards the edge of the dance floor to leave and bumped into Deacy.

"Sorry..." Deacy said with a sloppy smile. It was evident he had a lot to drink. He grabbed my arm and began walking towards the bar. "I don't know about you but I'm getting completely and utterly pissed tonight..." he informed me as we approached the long bar. He got us both a shot of something and then he clinked his glass to mine. "Cheers!" he toasted. I found him a smile and downed my drink. We stood at the bar and had a few more shots. I found a moment to look around and found Roger returning to the table with Crystal and that same group of people. The woman was sitting down next to him. My insides burned seeing her again and I also realized I was feeling the effects of my drinking. I swayed a little on my feet. 

"I need to sit down.." I told Deacy. We walked to an empty table and plopped down in the chairs. A waitress stopped and Deacy ordered us more drinks. 

"Here's some new talent..." Deacy remarked with raised eyebrows as three young women came up and took a seat at our table. An attractive blond with really long hair leaned towards me and smiled. The other girls began speaking to Deacy. 

"Congratulations on the record..." she remarked. I smiled back and accepted my drink from the returning waitress. "My name is Heather...and I know you're Brian..." she stated.

"That's me..." I replied and pointed at Deacy with my drink. "Most of the song credit goes to him...he wrote it!" I told her. She beamed at him and then leaned closer to me.

"Yeah...but I like the way you play guitar..." the woman remarked to me and ran her tongue across her lips. I appreciated her compliment. 

"Thanks..." I said and raised my glass to her as I took another drink. Heather raised hers as well and emptied it down her throat. Her face lit up and she grabbed my arm.

"My favorite song!" she shouted and pulled at me to stand up. "You have to come dance with me!" she demanded. I wanted to tell her no, but thank you, and then noticed Roger laughing with that woman. I decided I should have some fun of my own and got up. 

"One dance..." I told Heather and she began walking me hurriedly to the dance floor. 

"Oh my god! I love Blondie!" she raved as she pushed me onto the floor and began moving. Once she was standing in front of me I realized she had pretty sizable breasts and had no bra on underneath her silk dress. I tried to move to the rhythm of the song and felt awkward as I did it. But I decided to let go and have fun with it.

'Cover me with kisses, baby...cover me with love...roll me in designer sheets...I'll never get enough...'

The woman knew all the words and was singing along. She began rubbing herself against my side and moved closer as she let my leg slide between her thighs. She reached up for my shoulders and was swaying her body and practically rubbing up against me. I could feel her breasts pressing into my chest.

'Call me!' she shouted the chorus and got even closer to me. I grabbed on to her for fear that her attempt to attach herself to me would make us both fall down. I felt someone tap my shoulder and turned to see Paul with another bottle of champagne.

"Never seen you dance so much..." Paul shouted and handed me the bottle. I took it from him and had a drink as he walked away. Heather grabbed it from me and took a large drink. She handed it back and we began to share the bottle between us as we kept up our dance. I took the final drink and turned the bottle upside down to show her it was empty. She laughed and then pulled me in for a kiss. I almost dropped the bottle in surprise.

"Sorry..." I said to her in a slurred voice and pushed her away. She only laughed and grabbed my arm and began walking us from the dance floor. I tried to stay on my feet and keep hold of the bottle as we headed back towards the table. She got us seated and I noticed Deacy was gone. Heather placed a hand on my thigh and leaned close.

"You're married right?" she asked. "Is that why you pushed me away?" she questioned. I nodded to her. I am married. But I can't say to who. She ran her hand up my thigh. "It's Roger's sister...right?" she asked. I didn't respond as I felt bad about still lying about Clare when she didn't even live with us anymore. Wasn't even paid to help keep our secret. Then I remembered that the person I am married to probably just cheated on me a few months back. 

"I think I've been cheated on..." I said out loud. Heather looked at me with surprise and then pulled me into a hug.

"Poor baby..." she cooed to me and rubbed my back. "That is terrible!" Heather pulled back from the hug and smiled at me. I saw her glance momentarily over at Roger's table as she resumed rubbing my thigh.

"You know what they say...an eye for an eye..." Heather declared and leaned over and kissed me. "Maybe we should head back to your hotel and her dear brother over there can tell your wifey you got your revenge..." Heather suggested and nodded in Roger's direction. I looked over at the other table and saw that Roger was engrossed in a conversation with that woman. He then looked up at me and frowned. Every jealous bone in my body propelled me and I stood up at the table and grabbed Heather's hand. 

"Come on..." I said and she looked delighted as we began walking towards the exit. I quickly glanced at Roger's table and saw him standing up. He was still watching me. He helped the woman stand and I turned and focused on the exit and what the fuck I thought I was doing. I wasn't going to sleep with this girl so why was I doing this? I was too drunk to care right now and kept walking. I just wanted to get out of here. As we neared the exit I saw the woman Roger had been speaking to walk past us and straight out the exit. I figured she was going to meet him somewhere later and I took hold of Heather's arm. I needed some help anyway because I wasn't steady on my feet at this point.

"Where are you going?" I heard the familiar voice of my husband and stopped and turned to face him. I wavered a little in my clogs but gave him an indignant look.

"With her...that's what we do right? We're rock stars and we screw around Rog...It's okay to cheat...it just comes with the territory!" You should know that better than anyone!" I declared in a haughty tone. I noticed Deacy looking at me with surprise.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Roger said back with annoyance. It was hard to hear him due to the loud music and other conversations going on.

"You tell me..." I shouted to make sure he could hear me. "Tell me what you did with Dominique in Montreux...Did you fuck her in between your sessions or was she there with you the whole time?" I spat at him and tried to remain solid on my feet. My face felt hot with building anger and I felt Heather slip away from my grasp. I saw her as she began walking away with an embarrassed look on her face. I stumbled a bit as I tried to go after her. Before I could say anything to her Roger spoke.

"How do you know about me seeing her?" he questioned. I stopped and turned to glare at him and folded my arms in front of me.

"I found her fucking card in your jacket..." I shouted. Roger walked up and grabbed me by the arm and began walking me towards the other end of the club. It was the quieter area near the fish pond. I let him drag me over there and then Roger stopped walking and stood in front of me with a flustered look.

"I saw her once...on the plane ride home...a plane I got on because I was trying to get back to you!" he explained to me in a voice I couldn't read. Was he making something up or telling the truth? If it was the truth, why was I just hearing about it now? I suddenly felt tired. Tired of this game we seem to play a little too often.

"Why should I believe you?" I asked him bluntly. Roger's face showed annoyance.

"I don't know Brian! Maybe because it's the truth!" he shouted. "I didn't cheat on you!" he said plainly to me. I looked in his eyes as he spoke and I really felt he was being honest. I hate this! I hate having to question his actions. Having to doubt in him. A wave of sadness came over me and I began to feel emotional. Sick of feeling this way anytime I see him engage with someone. Like he did with Tilly and look how that ended.

"Like I was supposed to believe you about Tilly?" I blurted out. Roger's face grew dark.

"You told me you believed me!" he barked back. "So what? Now you don't?" he questioned and looked bewildered at the realization that deep down I don't really find him trustworthy.

I started to walk away. I realized I couldn't deal with this right now. I was so tired. Worn out from the tour and constantly going. The fights with the band and fighting with him. And more work facing us as soon as we get home. I felt some tears forms in my eyes and wiped at my face as I tried to figure out how to get out of this place. I was a bit disoriented since Roger had taken me to a different area of the club and I was still drunk. 

"Brian! Where are you going?" Roger questioned with irritation still present in his voice. "Come back here and talk to me..." he demanded. I turned back to him and wiped at my eyes. I noticed that Deacy had followed us back to this spot and now Crystal, Ratty and Freddie were moving our way as well. It made me feel anxious to have an audience and I began walking to get away from the growing crowd. I went to get past Roger but he reached out and grabbed me.

"Please talk to me..." Roger said and sounded more upset than angry. I shook my head and tried to get away from him. He held onto me tightly and I wobbled due to my drunken state. Roger got a firm grip on me and pulled me into his arms. "I didn't sleep with her...I didn't touch her...or anything...I can't believe you think I would cheat! After everything...." Roger said with anguish in his voice as he looked into my eyes. I could see his distress. "I love you god damnit and I wouldn't do this to you!" Roger then told me with conviction. My disbelief began to waiver and my tears returned. I want to believe him. I need to believe that he truly loves me and wouldn't hurt me again.

"Hey guys...maybe you should take this somewhere private..." I heard Deacy suddenly say from a few feet away. We turned to look at him and saw quite a few people watching us. My anxiety returned and I felt a bit panicked. I went to move out of Roger's grasp but he held me tight and then suddenly I felt him kiss me. Roger held me firmly and planted a solid kiss on my lips. Before I could react I heard someone burst into loud laughter. I recognized the voice as our lips parted.

"You two are so fucking gay!" Freddie shouted as he pointed at us. He then snorted as he laughed and rolled his head back as he held onto his flute of champagne. The liquid jostling out of the top from his movements. I saw everyone around us looking a bit shocked at his declaration. As shocked as I was to hear him say it. Freddie went to walk towards us and was laughing hysterically. It became contagious as others started chuckling at his outburst. Freddie stumbled a bit as he approached and then suddenly veered off a bit to the right. He took a few sideways steps and began falling. "Oh fuck!" he cried out and I watched in surprise as Freddie proceeded to fall sideways into the inground fish pond. His foot must have caught the edge of it. He disappeared as a large splash came up from the water. 

Everyone around us erupted in laughter. And after a moment I began laughing as well. I forgot about my crisis and started laughing so hard I was getting tears in my eyes. Ratty and Crystal ran over and tried to help Freddie out of the pond. It was like a scene from a movie as he flailed about and they tried to get hold of his arms. Both myself and Roger were bent over howling. Deacy joined the others in fishing Freddie out and our lead singer resumed laughing once he was on his feet and on solid ground again. He had his arms wrapped around Deacy's and Ratty's shoulders as they held him up. One of the waiters came running up with some towels.

"Thank you dear!" Freddie told the waiter as he tried to calm down and accepted one of the towels. "Could you get me another champagne...I seemed to have dropped mine..." Freddie commented as if he had simply dropped his glass on the floor. Paul came running up holding a coat out for Freddie. I stood and watched as Paul tried to make a fuss over Freddie being wet and our lead singer scoffing at him as he peeled off his wet shirt and put the coat on.

"Bri..." I heard Roger's voice and felt him take hold of my arm. "Let's go..." I turned to see him leading us towards the exit. I looked behind me and saw everyone still watching Freddie as he began making jokes about swimming with the fishes. We were soon at the exit and outside and Roger was pushing me into a limousine. The door closed and we were off into the New York night and Roger was next to me as I laid back against the seat and closed my eyes. I felt drained and drunk. Our ride to the hotel was a silent one, save for the sound of Roger lighting and smoking a cigarette. We sat apart from each other and were lost in our own thoughts.

This silence continued all the way into the hotel and up to our suite. When Roger let us in I walked straight to the bedroom and let myself fall onto the bed. I closed my eyes and tried to will myself away from everything swimming in my head.

\------------------------------ 

"Get up!" I felt someone shaking me and heard Roger's voice. I groaned as I opened my eyes and felt my body get shoved again. "We've got a plane to catch! Wake up!" I noticed he sounded short and I sat up in the bed and found him walking from the room. "You've got 20 minutes..." he said before disappearing through the doorway. 

I got moving and threw some clothes on before going to the bathroom to clean up as best I could. My head was pounding and my body ached but I ignored it. I hurriedly packed my things and realized as I collected items from the bedroom that Roger hadn't slept there last night. I dragged my suitcases to the living area and found his neatly placed at the door. His coat lay on top along with his carry on and he was neatly dressed and sitting at the dining table smoking a cigarette.

"Hey..." I said to him and walked my things to the door. He was watching me as I found my clogs from the night before and slid them on. I went over to the table to get a cup of coffee. 

"For the record..." Roger suddenly stated as he tapped his cigarette on the ashtray and looked at me. "My flight back from Montreux got canceled and David Bowie happened to be on it...he managed to book a private plane to get to London and I was kindly offered a lift..." he explained to me. I poured some coffee as I listened to his story. "Dominique was traveling with David...she was doing publicity for his new release..." Roger took a drag from his cigarette and kept his eyes on me. "Out of professional courtesy...she gave me her card..." he informed me as he smashed his cigarette in the tray.

"Oh.." I managed to say in response. Roger took a sip of coffee and remained looking at me. 

"There was no flirtation or anything else your imagination might stir up for you..." he commented in a derogatory manner. "No one came on to anybody..." Roger added as he sat his cup down and grinned. "Well...to be completely forthright...I did get an offer from David...which was declined..." he said with some smugness. I tried to smile at his comment. Lighten the moment. But Roger's serious expression returned. "And before you ask why I didn't tell you all this as soon as I got back to L.A....it was late and we got busy with the kids...and it wasn't really important..." he said in a firm tone.

"Alright..." I said and did feel bad about the assumption I had made. I did have more questions but felt it wasn't the right moment. There was a knock on the door and Roger got up and walked over to answer it. Vick was here to collect our luggage. 

"We need to go..." Roger turned and told me. I set my cup down and took a quick look around the room as I hurried over to get my coat on. It was another silent journey from our room to the limo and then to the airport. Both of us were soon in a noisy lounge waiting for our flight. And then we were aboard the plane and sharing first class with our bandmates and some strangers. It wasn't the place to discuss our relationship so we both stuck to our usual public banter and everyone tried to sleep off their hangovers.

The plane landed and we were soon in another limo heading for Surrey. I hoped we would find a moment to speak on the drive. It seemed Roger felt the same as he asked the driver to put up the privacy window. He looked at me intently once the window closed.

"We didn't get to finish our conversation this morning..." Roger remarked. I nodded agreement.

"I want to apologize..." I said to him and Roger sighed heavily and I stopped. 

"No...go ahead...say it...say you're sorry..." Roger declared with irritation. "Tell me how sorry you are and tell me how you believe me now..." his tone told me he was still angry. It was exactly what I had planned to say and didn't know what I should do. 

"I am sorry..." I said sincerely after a moment and Roger looked me in the eye.

"I think we need to spend some time apart..." Roger announced. "When we get home...I'm moving into my own room..."


	125. Life is Real...So Real - Part 1

20th November 1980

Surrey / London

Roger's POV

"When will you get back to Montreux?" Jo asked me as we relaxed in my new sauna. It had been added on recently after the construction of the pool house on the property. It felt good after we both had a long swim in the pool. 

"It will have to be in January and I have to finish up my album then if I want it released in the spring..." I leaned back on the wooden bench and inhaled the hot moist air. It felt good in my lungs and I let out a deep exhalation. Jo was lounging on the bench next to mine and we were both wrapped in large white towels.

"You have such a tight schedule these days..." Jo remarked as she wiped some sweat from below her eyes. "When do you even sleep?" she asked. I huffed and half laughed at her question. 

"I don't get much to be honest...I know I'm trying to pack too much in at once..." I agreed. Jo looked at me intently. 

"And are you still sleeping alone?" she questioned. I was. Have been since that blow up with Brian in New York. I was so tired of his underlying distrust in me. This incident seemed to have made something inside me crack. I needed a break from dealing with him. I had moved into my own room at home and we had managed to avoid having a real conversation about our relationship. It was easy since we have been so busy. 

"I am...still sleeping in my fake bedroom.." I said amusement. While there were many jokes made about Brian and I's fake bedrooms, they had unfortunately become our real bedrooms of late. "If we are with the kids we do use the sitting area of our room, but at night I am in my room..." Jo seemed to absorb this and was silent for a minute as she looked at me. 

"How does Brian feel about it?" I made another huffing sound and tried to find the right words.

"I guess you could say that we are not really talking about 'us' right now..." I explained. "When we got home Brian threw himself into the Flash Gordon soundtrack work and hasn't been home that much..." Jo seemed surprised and I knew she was thinking about the kids. "When he is here he spends his time with the kids..." I added and she nodded understanding. 

"Is that where he is today? Working on the film music?" Jo asked and I nodded. 

"Yeah...he's with the composer of the film and they are doing some interview..." I stretched my legs out and sighed. "He should be home soon...he has to pack since we leave in the morning for Zurich..." 

"How do you feel about things between you right now?" Jo then asked. I closed my eyes and shook my head. 

"I don't know Jo...but I guess I'll know soon...I can't really avoid him on tour..." I responded.

Jo stayed for lunch and we enjoyed some time with the kids. Afterwards I walked her to her car and we had a long goodbye since I probably wouldn't see her again until closer to Christmas. She was preparing for a trip to New York with her sister and I was headed out for some European tour dates. The kids were watching some tv when I came back inside. I went upstairs and ran into Mia coming out of Jimi's room carrying laundry. 

"Do you know if Brian will be home for dinner?" she asked. I knew he planned to spend the evening with the kids before we left.

"Yeah... he should be back anytime...he has to pack and he planned to spend the rest of the day with the kids.." I answered. She smiled at me and then looked quite serious.

"I know it's none of my business...but is something going on between you?" she asked in a careful tone. I felt bad. I know she is trying to keep her distance from our private life but the fact remained that anything going on with Brian and I did affect the family. That included her.

"We are trying to work through some trust issues to be completely honest..." I responded. Her eyes grew wide. "And taking a break from each other right now is a good thing for us both..." I could see that she was troubled hearing this. I smiled at her. "I'm sorry if there is any tension with us right now...I hope it hasn't caused you too much trouble or worry..." 

"I know Jimi has missed seeing Brian..." she remarked. I sighed hearing this. I knew this was partly unavoidable because we have so much work going on right now. But Brian had chosen to be away from home a lot more than me and now Jimi was paying the price. 

"I'll let Brian know...when we get back he can make sure to spend some extra time with him..." I told her. She smiled at me and gestured towards the stairs. 

"Thanks...I've got some laundry to do..." she remarked and went down the staircase. I went to my room and finished packing for our trip to the continent. I was placing some clothes in my garment bag when Tiger Lily walked into my room.

"When is Daddy coming home?" Tiger Lily asked me as she stood twirling around in her flowy smock dress. I zipped my bag closed and glanced at the clock.

"Should be any time now..." I responded. She climbed onto my bed and sighed as she leaned back against my pillows. She rolled over and pressed her face into them. 

"Your pillow smells good..." she remarked as she took another sniff and then looked up at me. I hung my bag on the hook of my closet door. "Can I sleep here tonight?" she asked. I shrugged at her. I didn't care and she could get a bit clingy when we are getting ready to leave on tour. 

"I don't mind...I've got to get up early though...earlier than your school time..." I pointed out. She sighed and rolled back into my pillow again. 

"Can I go with you?" she suddenly asked. I shook my head as I placed my selected shoes in my suitcase. 

"You've got school..." I reminded her. She frowned at me. 

"Lulu won't be there...she is going with her Mum on a trip...so can I go with you?" she replied. 

"School is not just about seeing Lulu..." I countered and she made a scoffing sound I had heard myself make a few times. I tried not to laugh.

"When do you get back?" she asked and began bobbing her leg around on the mattress. 

"I get back on the 2nd...so that's twelve days starting tomorrow..." her face fell and I knew she wasn't happy about how long I would be away.

"But you'll be home for my Christmas program?" she questioned. I grinned and left my suitcase and walked over to her.

"Yes...we will be home for your program...we will be there..." I assured her. She smiled at me and I sat down on the edge of the bed and pressed a kissed to her head. "I know we've been gone a lot this year...but you'll be coming with us to Japan in a few months..." Her face lit up at the reminder. 

"When we go can I see your show?" she asked. Tigs has been begging to see one of our concerts. We both think she is too young and it is so loud and a bit chaotic. I would have to talk to Brian about it.

"Let me talk to Daddy about it..." I responded. She looked uncertain and her expression reminded me of myself again. Brian always tells me she is so much like me and I could see it right now. She couldn't hide her feelings very well.

"Daddy will say no..." she pouted. I smiled at her and gently tapped her nose.

"I might say no as well...we just need to talk about it...alright?" she seemed to accept my answer and then we both heard someone in the hall and Brian appeared in my doorway.

"Daddy!" Tigs said excitedly and jumped off the bed and Brian reached out for her as she ran to him. He picked her up and hugged her close as our eyes met. 

"The interview go alright?" I asked him. He pressed a kiss to Tigs' cheek and nodded to me.

"Fine..." he responded blandly. "Want to help me pack?" he asked our daughter and disappeared with her in his arms.

21st November 1980

Zurich Switzerland

Travel had been fine with there being so many other people around. Everyone was in high spirits for some more shows since this tour had been so successful and our album had sold millions of copies worldwide. We are at the top of our industry and our success was palpable on a new level. Our shows would continue in to the new year. Our Japan trip was already sorted and Jim Beach was finalizing our first venture into South America. No other major rock act had ever performed there in stadiums so we were going to be pioneers in a new chapter of rock history and it felt exciting but also mixed with concern. Many of these countries had volatile governments and traveling there felt risky. Jim assured us he would arrange for added security and limit our exposure to government officials.

While our music lives were soaring, I felt my personal life was faltering. Brian and I sat separate from each other on the plane and Gerry had arranged for separate suites at my request. We arrived at Bar Au Lac Hotel and were taken to our rooms. It seemed liked we had an entire floor reserved and I quickly got settled in my luxury suite. We had a rehearsal so I freshened up and changed clothes and then we were heading off to Hallenstadion. I was slipping into my trainers when there was a knock on my door. I went to open it and found Freddie leaning against the frame.

"Ride with me to the venue..." I agreed and he waited as I grabbed my things and my coat. We walked down the hall to find his body guard waiting at the lift. We all stepped in and rode down to the lobby.

"Is it odd to be alone?" Freddie asked as we rode. I knew he was referring to me having my own suite. Not sharing with Brian.

"Yes and no..." I replied. "Odd to sleep alone but having some real personal space is nice..." Freddie lit a cigarette and inhaled and it instantly made me want one. 

"I hate sleeping alone..." Freddie remarked as he let out smoke. "I hate being alone..." I know Freddie had not really lived alone since I first met him. Those years spent in boarding school had left him having a need for company. Companionship. He had shifted from living with Brian and I to living with Mary and then had his time with David. After that he had been with Joe and then that guy Tony but Freddie had caught him cheating and dispatched with him. Now he was between boyfriends and he no longer lived with Mary.

"It's easy enough to find company for the night..." I remarked and Freddie smiled at me. He took a puff of his cigarette. 

"Yes...but it's hard to find someone to share my days..." he replied sadly. 

"Is this the moment when you remind me of how good I've got it and should just work things out with Brian?" I questioned. We had been in this place before in these conversations. He hated it when Brian and I weren't getting along and always feared it would disrupt the band.

"I just want you both to be happy...and to be completely honest...I don't need your drama creeping its way into the show..." he said bluntly.

"It won't....don't worry..." I replied. Freddie's eyes narrowed and he seemed irritated with my answer.

"Like I don't have to worry about what happened in New York?" he shot back. "I don't have to worry about your next next spat being front page news when you get in a fight in front of a 100 people and try to kiss and make up for all to see?" he barked at me. The lift door opened so I couldn't respond. We stepped out and found ourselves surrounded by a group of ardent fans. It was a nice interruption to the tension building with Freddie and myself. I felt annoyed as I signed some autographs and posed for a few pictures. If he was going to lecture me about what happened he better give Brian the same treatment.

We both put our best face forward and managed to get through the eager crowd and out to the waiting car. I lit a cigarette as soon I as got inside. Freddie had another and we both looked out the car windows at the dreary rain falling.

"I can't guarantee everything will be rosy between us but I promise there won't be another scene like New York..." I finally announced as we both worked on our cigarettes. Freddie turned to look at me.

"Are you happy Rog?" Freddie questioned and he was looking at me with genuine concern. It seemed like a loaded question. But I felt he truly wanted to know. I inhaled and considered my words before I exhaled.

"Professionally....I need to finish my solo album to get that out of my system...." I began. "I'm not unhappy with Queen...I just need that outlet to express myself more..." Freddie seemed to accept my statement and then placed his hand on my arm.

"And personally?" he asked. Well - this was the bigger question. I saw no point in telling Freddie some bullshit answer to change the subject or appease his concern.

"I love Brian more than anything in this world...." I answered and looked him in the eye. "But his problem with trusting me has weakened things between us..." I smashed my cigarette in the metal tray on the door handle and sighed. "I'm really tired of worrying about anything I do being called into question...about wondering what he will think if I spend a few too many minutes speaking to someone attractive or seem too keen on what someone has to say..." 

"He can be a jealous toad...can't he?" Freddie observed.

"That's an understatement!" I replied with emphasis. I leaned closer to Freddie. "I think one thing that really bothers me is that he told me he believed me about Tilly...that girl that sold that pack of lies to The Sun..." I told him. "Then he confesses that he doesn't believe me...so...since I know he lied....how do I know anything he has to say to me now will be the truth? That it won't be some bullshit he thinks he needs to tell me to get me to reconcile?" I proposed. Freddie looked unsure how to answer. That is fine. I don't know the answer either.

"He has to be reasonable..." Freddie remarked. "When you are in this business you are going to be surrounded by attractive and interesting people..." he pointed out and patted my leg. "That doesn't mean you want to fuck everyone you smile at..." he said with a straight face.

"I know...." I agreed. "Brian has spent hours in deep conversation with Tony Iommi and even Eddie Van Halen...and you didn't see me assuming he had sucked and fucked either one of them..." I said with a bit of cheek. Freddie formed an offended expression and almost looked nauseous. 

"Please remove that visual from my mind right now!" he demanded and made a gagging sound. I laughed at his horror. 

"How about Nancy Wilson from Heart?" I offered to soothe him. Freddie patted his heart.

"That's better...." he agreed and shook his head and then waved his hand back and forth as we both chuckled at the thought of Brian getting it on with one of his male guitar mates. We calmed down as we approached the venue. The car stopped and we could see a decent crowd of fans waiting on the walkway to the doors. Tommy, his bodyguard, got out of the front seat and opened the door for us. He then guided us over to the fans standing behind a cordoned off area. All of them looked thrilled to see us and we both smiled and signed some albums and received some kisses from the more fervent females. After a few photos we headed inside and walked straight to the backstage area to check out the accommodations. Paul walked up to us wearing a warm smile and handed us both a cup of fresh hot coffee.

Brian's POV 

I tried Clare's phone number again but got no answer. I knew she was probably at work but thought I would try anyway. Her machine came on and it felt rude to just hang up.

"Hey Clare...it's Bri...hope you are well...just wanted to see if you would mind helping me out with a Christmas present..." I explained. "I'm at Bar Au Lac Hotel in Zurich...it's on the itinerary...I'm headed for rehearsals but should be back around 9 my time...that's 8 for you..." I paused and wondered what else to say. "Anyway...call me if you get a moment..." I hung up and sighed. I had hoped to ask her help in finding a book for Mia for Christmas and then hoped I could move the conversation to my problems with Roger. Maybe she would call me later. I closed my address book and returned it to my day bag and then began deciding what to wear to rehearsals. I found my guitar jumper and pulled it over my button down shirt. I went to put my clogs on and remembered that Roger gets annoyed with them so I pulled my trainers from my suitcase and laced them up. I checked my hair and face in the mirror and wondered if I might try stopping at Roger's suite before we go. We really need to talk about everything. The past weeks have been so strained and I've tried to give him some space but I need to know where we stand. My stomach twisted with nervousness as I grabbed my bag and coat and headed out the door. As I stepped out I heard some voices in the distance and saw Roger stepping into the lift with Freddie. I felt a little deflated as I knew I couldn't catch up to them. So I walked to Deacy's door and knocked. No one answered and then I heard a faint voice.

"Hang on..." I heard and I stood and waited. The door finally opened and Deacy smiled at me but began walking back inside. "On the phone...give me a minute..." he remarked. He picked up the phone and it was evident he was speaking to Ronnie. I stepped in and closed the door quietly so his conversation would remain private from anyone in the hall. I avoided looking at him and picked up a catalog he had on a nearby table. I heard Deacy finish and he hung up the phone and walked towards me.

"How's the family?" I asked him. Deacy drew a smile as he grabbed his coat.

"Good....busy...lots going on with the holidays coming up..." he answered. "Robert's in the church program this year..." Deacy informed me wearing a proud smile. 

"Tiger Lily has a school program this year as well..." I replied. 

"Doesn't feel very rock and roll does it?" Deacy commented as we headed out of his room and down the hotel hallway. I laughed a little.

"No...but I guess that's what the road is for...eh?" I said to him. Deacy looked at me intently.

"I get tired of the road sometimes..." he admitted to me as we got on the lift. "Don't get me wrong...I love what we do...it's just hard being away at times..." I knew what he meant. You can't bring your family on every tour. 

"Especially during the holidays..." I agreed. He nodded. "We've always done this though..." I pointed out. "So in a way it's all the kids know...it's all Ronnie knows..." I reminded him. He nodded agreement.

"I think it keeps things fresh for me and Ronnie...not being together all the time..." Deacy commented. I considered the fact that Roger and I are together all the time. I wondered if this was contributing to the strain we have right now.

"I suppose so..." was all I could say.

Later that day

Rehearsals went well and Roger and I managed to put our business hats on and focus on the show. It was the one time we could often forget about our personal life and just make music with our band mates. Just be band mates. As everyone was wrapping things up I handed my guitar to Jobby and fought off a yawn. Despite the boost I get from playing I felt tired. 

"There's a bunch of us heading to the red light district after dinner..." Ratty announced to everyone. "Who's in?" he asked as he rubbed his hands together. 

"I've got other plans..." Freddie responded. We all knew what plans he had and while they involved a certain district of town it wasn't the same place this gang was heading. I noticed Paul smiling as he handed Freddie his jacket. 

"I'm in..." Deacy told him and Ratty shared a devious grin with him. I looked over at Roger to see what his plans were.

"I'm out..." Roger advised him and Ratty nodded understanding. I was instantly curious what Roger was doing tonight.

"Me too...I'm out!" I told him. 

"Right then! We've got a limo heading out at 10...see you in the lobby..." Ratty announced. Everyone got busy donning coats and chatting about their evening plans. I grabbed my coat and walked over to Roger at his kit. He was lighting a cigarette and saw me approach.

"Are you free for dinner?" I asked him and hoped he would say yes. We really needed to talk. He and Crystal shared a look between them and Roger returned his gaze to me as he took a drag. 

"We can eat in my room..." he advised me. "See you in an hour..." he added. I watched him and Crystal take off together and I stood on the stage as the others began to disappear. I felt someone tap my arm and looked to see Paul standing there.

"We're heading back....come on..." he said in a friendly voice. I followed him and Freddie to the exit and out to one of the limos. Freddie's bodyguard opened the back door for us all and we hurriedly got inside. The evening air was frigid. Paul instantly lit cigarettes for himself and Freddie. I was glad it was a short trip to the hotel since it seemed rude to ask them to open the window for the smoke.

"What are your plans this evening?" Freddie asked as he relaxed against the leather seat.

"I'm having dinner with Rog..." I answered. Freddie looked curious.

"And after?" he then inquired. I hoped that I might manage to extend my time with Roger beyond our meal. 

"Not sure...I'm hoping I could spend some time with him..." I replied. "Or catch up on some sleep..." Freddie smiled at me.

"You did wear yourself out with that soundtrack..." he commented. "But you did an excellent job..." I was grateful for his words.

Thanks..." I replied. Freddie leaned forward on his seat.

"Brian...I'm going to be frank with you and give you fair warning..." he said with a serious tone. "I don't think Roger is going to just let this one go..." he informed me. "Your admission that you still don't trust him has caused a real issue between you..." I knew this was probably the case based on the limited discussions I've had with Roger. I wanted Freddie to see my side of things as it seemed he wasn't taking sides but trying to prepare me for Roger's frame of mind.

"I know..." I agreed. "I'll admit it! I did lie and tell him I believed him about that girl from the village...but only because I didn't want it to cause us any more problems...I just want to be with him..." I explained. "I guess I shouldn't have told him that but I got scared..." I confessed.

"Fear certainly makes us do foolish things..." Paul suddenly remarked. Freddie glanced over at him and nodded agreement.

"He's right you know..." Freddie concurred. "What are you afraid of Brian?" he asked. 

"Losing him..." I said quickly. I thought Freddie would offer consolation but he had a stern look.

"You're going to lose him if you don't find a way to trust him..." Freddie said bluntly. "And you need to believe him Brian...believe in him..." he warned. 

"You believe him?" I questioned. "You think he didn't do anything?" I asked. "I know Tony cheated on you so you know what it feels like..." I reminded him. Freddie shook his head.

"This isn't about me Brian...it's about you and Roger...and I do believe him..." he answered. "Think about it..." he said next. "When would he ever have time to cheat on you?" Freddie asked me. "You are always together..." he pointed out. "With you or your children...or with one of us...so when could he cheat?" he proposed.

"He was in Montreux alone..." I countered. Freddie scoffed at me.

"He wasn't alone...Crystal was with him..." he replied. I honestly felt Crystal would take a bullet for Roger, so lying about affairs would be a given.

"I'm sorry...I firmly believe Crystal would lie through his teeth for Roger..." I answered and then pointed at Paul. "Just like I believe Paul would do the same for you..." Paul's face remained neutral as Freddie processed my words.

"Be that as it may...I do believe he was faithful..." Freddie said confidently. "And answer me this...why would he cheat?" It was the one question I could never find an answer for. It was one that Roger would have to answer. I only knew he had cheated on me before and seemed capable of doing it again. But that seemed like a hollow reason right now.

"I don't know..." I responded. Freddie sighed and took a drag from his neglected cigarette. 

"Well you better figure it out before dinner time..." he remarked. "And please...whatever you need to hash out between the two of you...please do it in private..." he ordered. I knew he was referring to New York. That was a massive mistake. On both our parts.

"Understood...."

\------------------------------

I cleaned up and checked myself in the mirror and headed to Roger's suite. My stomach was quaking and I wondered if I could eat. I needed to. I hadn't had an appetite since we returned from America and had skipped lunch today. I knocked on his door and tried to breath slowly. The door opened and Roger greeted me wearing one of the new track suits he had bought in America. His hair was brush back and he looked so good. He stepped aside to let me in.

"I took the liberty of ordering for you...the food should be here soon..." Roger informed me as I walked to his sitting area and tried to relax myself as I sat down. He came over and sat down in the chair next to mine. I saw him eye his cigarettes but he resisted the urge and curled his fingers as he placed his hands on the armrests. He then purposefully looked at me. "Do you want to start or shall I?" he asked. 

"Go ahead..." I said meekly. I suddenly felt like a child who had caused a whole lot of trouble and was about to get told off. I steeled myself for his speech. 

"We've got a serious problem..." Roger began. I had a feeling he felt I was the serious problem. "You don't trust me with other people...and I don't trust you to tell me the truth about your feelings..." 

"You're right..." I agreed. "I'm not going to argue the point..." I said quickly. I could tell this annoyed Roger for some reason. 

"No...we aren't going to argue about it...you're right about that..." he said in a firm tone. I could see resolve in his eyes and knew he had prepared to have this talk. He was set in his position on things and if I wanted a chance to fix this I would need to acquiesce. So I simply nodded to him.

"Okay..." I said to confirm my agreement. 

Roger ran a hand across the blue velvet of his armrest and I could see him preparing to say something I may not want to hear. My entire body tensed up in response. He looked away from me for a moment and it made it seem even worse.

"I think we need some time apart..." Roger announced as he returned his eyes to mine. I was confused a bit and worried about what it really meant.

"I thought we already had that..."I answered. "We've been apart since New York...I'm not sure what you mean...." I told him. Roger slipped his hand into the top of his shirt and rubbed his shoulder. It told me he was tense too. I hate this. What is really saying?

"Brian...I want six months...I want time to decide what I want going forward..." Roger said as his hand slipped out of his shirt and he gestured with it to emphasis his point. Or his demand. It felt like a demand and I didn't like it. It felt like the beginning of the end of things and panic filled my chest.

"What if I say no?" I said quickly. "What if I don't want this?" I questioned as my voice grew nervous. Roger sighed and leaned forward.

"It's what I need right now to figure things out...so I guess I am not asking you...I'm telling you what I'm doing..." he clarified for me. His eyes met mine and that resolve I saw earlier told me this was non-negotiable. My body began shaking and I shook my head and put my hands over my face.

"I'm sorry....so sorry...I know I should trust you and I know I fucked up...please don't do this..." I pleaded as I buried my face. Tears began flowing and I couldn't look at him as I begged and hoped he would change his mind. An idea occurred to me and I pulled my face from my hands. "I'll call Mack and we can meet with him when we get back...we can fix this Rog...I promise!" Roger reached over and placed his hand on my knee and looked at me intently. I could see his lips quiver a bit so I knew this was hard for him. It seemed harder for me. He is getting what he wants and I am left waiting in the wings while he decides if he is going to stay or fly.

"I think you should see Mack...I know you probably need his help to get through this...but I need to be on my own for now...." he told me. I grabbed his hand and looked him in the eye. Hoped he would see how much this will hurt us more than help us.

"What about home? What about the kids?" I asked him plainly. Roger kept hold of my hand.

"I'm not leaving home..." he stated. "But we need to work out some kind of arrangement..." I jerked my hand away.

"So you're going to upset things at home right before Christmas?" I said accusingly. "That's selfish of you..." I remarked with irritation. Roger sighed heavily.

"We can leave things as they are for now at home....through Christmas..." he answered. "To be completely honest Brian you've hardly been home the past month so they are kind of used to one parent being gone if not both of us..." Before I could respond there was a knock on his door. Roger stood up and looked at me before he walked to answer the door. It was room service and I got up and walked to the bathroom as he handled checking the food and signing for it. I wiped my face off with a cloth and returned to the room as the porter left. Roger was taking a seat at the table where the waiter had set our dinner out. I considered leaving and doing this at another time. I looked over at the door.

"Sit down Brian..." he ordered. "We're going to be adults about this..." I knew he was right. He had already ripped the bandage off so we might as well treat the wound. I walked to the table and sat down as Roger poured himself a glass of wine. "When we get home...we need to decide our living arrangement..." he began and reached over the table to hand me the glass of wine. I listened and felt the sting of tears. I took it from him with a shaky hand and set it next to my covered dish. Roger removed his cover and then looked at me to remove mine. I picked it up and set it aside. Not even bothering to see what he got me to eat. It didn't matter. My stomach was in knots and I couldn't fathom eating. "I have to go back to Montreux in January..." Roger announced as he began to eat. Eating as if nothing was really wrong. As if the world wasn't coming to an end. I sat and felt my limbs were numb and I couldn't even grab my fork to go through the motions.

"Okay..." I mumbled out as I watched him eat and tell me how the beginning of the end of my marriage was going to play out.


	126. Life is Real...So Real - Part 2

7th December 1980

Birmingham England

Brian's POV

I had considered not bothering to shave but knew there would be fans and possibly some media waiting in the hotel lobby so I opened my shaving kit and got to work. I spread the cream across my face and ran the razor through the sink of warm water before I made the first stroke against my neck and jawline.

When I looked in the mirror I couldn't escape the sadness in my eyes. Despite putting on a brave face this past week and a half, it was plain to see. At least it was to me. I replayed that night again as I carefully maneuvered the razor across my face. Roger telling me he wanted six months to figure things out. He was going to move into the servants cottage at home after Christmas. He was returning to Montreux to work on his album after the holidays. He had lost faith in my word since I had lied to him. He seemed to have lost faith in us.

I tried to shake off the overwhelming emotion as I considered what our future held and focused on finishing my shave. I took the last swipe on my chin and then felt around to make sure I got it all and dipped my razor in the water. I swished it around and then pulled the plug in the sink to drain it. I splashed some fresh water on my face to rinse the residue and tried to wash away the the dread I felt about returning home. I patted my face and neck dry with a towel and then opened my after shave. I remembered Roger getting me this bottle. I splashed it on and patted my cheeks and the scent of it made me want to smile and cry at the same time.

I rinsed the sink and picked up the razor to clean it before I returned it to my bag. As I opened the top of it to remove the blade I had a flash of a memory from years ago. The gleam of the metal and that feeling of pain and despair. The urge to use it to make the hurt go away. I shuddered at the memory and turned around and walked to the small waste bin and let the blade fall in. As much as I hated my circumstances right now, I loved my family more.

\------------------------------

"There will be a brief press conference before the sound check tomorrow and a photographer will be there for some pictures..." Paul explained to us as we sat on the private plane we had chartered to fly us from Birmingham to London. "After the London shows, we fly out on the 11th for Brussels..." I looked at the itinerary and counted how many days until Christmas. It was a short window for shopping. 

"When do we fly to Japan?" Deacy asked. Paul looked at his notebook. 

"We go on February 5th..." Paul answered and smiled. "So there is a nice little break in between..." 

Everyone started talking about holiday plans and I considered what I could do with the children during that time. Roger would leave for Montreux and I was certain he didn't want me there. He had a short window to finish his album so he didn't need the children distracting him.

"Hey..." I heard Roger's voice and turned to see him moving over to the seat next to mine. "I guess we should talk about telling Mia and our parents what is going on..." Roger told me. 

"I don't want my parents to know..." I responded. "If you're not moving to the cottage until after Christmas I see no point in telling our parents anything..." Roger considered my request and nodded to me.

"Alright..." he agreed. "But we have to tell Mia...and I think we should tell Clare..." he responded. I hadn't told Clare what was going on when she called me back. I only talked about the book I was wanting for Mia and when she asked me if something was wrong I simply told her I was tired. I was grateful it was over the phone because Clare would have known by looking at me that there was more to it. I dreaded facing her at Christmas as well as my parents.

"Okay..." was all I could say. 

"I'll call Clare when we get home..." he advised me. I nodded and looked at him. He didn't seem as affected by this and I wasn't sure what to think. His eyes held that same shine they always do and he didn't look tired or seem anxious. In fact he looked rested and relaxed. It made me tense up at the consideration that he was sleeping at night. I ran my hand through some of my lower curls in response. It helped and I tried to focus on the short term.

"What about Christmas?" I asked him. "We haven't even bought presents yet..." I reminded him. Roger sighed and shifted in his chair.

"I guess we need to go shopping..." he answered. I tried to imagine shopping with him with this chasm between us. Then I hoped that maybe shopping for the kids would remind him that we need to stay together. I fashioned a smile thinking about it. "Maybe we could just split the list and put both our names on the presents..." he suggested. My smile disappeared and I felt like I had been kicked a little. We weren't shopping together apparently.

"I've guess you've got it all figured out..." I mumbled in response. 

"What?" Roger asked. I shook my head and sighed.

"Nothing..." I answered. "Let's just make a list..." I told him. I felt defeated and fumbled in my bag for my notebook and pen.

8th December 1980

London

"Did seeing the kids help?" Deacy asked me as we walked to the dressing room. Our press conference had finished and Freddie and Roger were answering some questions for a reporter. I found a smile and looked at him.

"It did...even though there is this massive tension with Rog, being back with the kids did make me feel better..." I responded. "They still love me..." I commented. Deacy frowned at me.

"Come on Brian...you know Roger still loves you..." he said quietly as we navigated our way through the massive arena. I know Roger loves me but I wasn't entirely sure he was in love with me any longer. I had really made a mess of things and I couldn't shake the feeling it might be irreparable.

We arrived in the dressing room and I busied myself with tuning my guitars and spending a lot of time fussing over unimportant things. I was in a bad mood and incredibly tired. I picked at my dinner and tried to find the energy to be somewhat social. We had some fan club members arrive had won a backstage visit and their excitement helped lift my spirits. We signed autographs and posed for pictures and chatted for a while. It did leave me feeling heartened about our shows and I used that to carry me through the performance that night. 

Roger's POV

"I'm ready to go if you are..." I told Brian as the last few people were leaving our post show gathering. He nodded and walked to the rack to grab his bag and coat. I got my coat on and collected my things and I signaled to Wally we were ready. Brian came up to me and we headed out of the dressing room door. It was a silent journey down the corridor and out the back to our waiting car. Wally walked ahead of us and scanned for any unexpected people. We had never really used a bodyguard before but with our amplified success came more fans and more people hanging about. Freddie had been using one for a while and Gerry Stickells had arranged for Deacy to have one and Brian and I currently shared. I wasn't sure what we would do in the future if we needed separate security. It was one more thing I had to consider and I sighed inside. Wally opened the car door and gestured for us to get in.

"Thanks..." I told him and let Brian go first.

Brian got in the car and I slid in across from him. It still feels strange to not sit next to him but the distance seems to help keep my message in place. We are on a break and despite still living together, this is a boundary I need right now. It was a cold night and I wished I had worn my fur. I wrapped myself as tight as I could to fend off the chill going through me. I had to admit this is a moment when I miss Brian next to me. As disenchanted as I am with him, he was always good at warming me up and making me feel comforted.

"Cold?" Brian asked me as he watched me from his seat. I shrugged a bit. Not wanting to admit it. Feeling stupid for denying the obvious. 

"Can I just warm you up?" Brian asked me timidly. "I promise it's not anything...I mean...it's just a friendly warm up..." he clarified as he looked at me. The chill hadn't escaped me so I gave in to my physical need.

"Alright..." I told him. Brian moved off his seat and over to mine and immediately pulled me into his side. I had to admit if felt wonderful. He was so warm and he smelled like that after shave I like so much. I let my head shift a little closer to get a better angle to smell it. His long arm held me close and I almost closed my eyes at the soothing feeling that rolled through me. "Thanks..." I told him and I could feel Brian smile.

\------------------------------

We were silent the rest of the drive home and I let Brian keep me warm until we arrived. The car stopped and I quickly pulled away from him. I opened the door and fumbled for our house key at the late hour. I managed to get the door open and we stepped inside. The heat felt marvelous. I pulled my coat off and hung it up as Brian did the same. 

"Goodnight..." I told Brian and turned to go up the stairs. He held his hand out to stop me.

"I need to know something..." Brian said and I stopped and looked at him. I saw him swallow and hesitate but then he spoke again. "Do you still love me?" he asked. I hated him for asking me this right now. I already felt vulnerable from letting him warm me up in the car. I still couldn't understand why he couldn't see the problem. It wasn't that I don't love him. I can't keep coming back to the same base issue with him in our relationship. Trust.

"Brian...I'll always love you..." I told him truthfully. "It's kind of what makes this hard..." I wanted to convey this properly and thought for a moment. He watched me closely. "We've gone round in a circle for years Brian...and I'm tired of ending up in the same place over and over..." I confessed. "Aren't you tired of it?" I asked him. He seemed to hear me.

"Do you think it would be different if we didn't have to be a secret?" Brian asked me in return. "If people knew we were together then it wouldn't be so hard?" he questioned.

"I don't know...." I answered and considered what he meant. "Maybe..." I felt the weight of our entire situation bear down on me with these questions. I also felt incredibly tired. "I'm knackered..." I admitted. "Maybe we can talk about this again...just not right now..." Brian nodded and looked a little let down. I was too tired to care right now and turned back to the stairs. I needed some distance to stay the course.

"I love you Rog....no matter what..." Brian told me as I began my climb to bed. I had never doubted his love for me. But sometimes love just isn't enough. 

\-----------------------------

I'm not sure what the time was when I finally drifted off. Despite my physical state I seemed wide awake when I hit my pillow. I tossed and turned and actually sat up for a bit trying to fend off my intruding thoughts to get some rest. My head was racing through the events of the past month. The past few years. Our brief conversation tonight. It seemed like we both needed to take some time and be able to look at our relationship from a wider perspective. I think we would both benefit from some time away from each other. We had spent practically every day together for more than ten years and it seemed healthy to take a break and take stock. I needed to find a way to help him understand that. In the blur of exhaustion I finally closed my eyes.

When my private phone started ringing and I woke up I was beyond irritated. It was still dark out when I rolled over and looked at the clock and reached for the handset. Fucking 6:30 in the morning! I answered the phone with an attempt at being civil and laid my arm over my eyes.

"Hello..." I said in a short tone.

"Rog....it's Jo..." I heard emotion in her voice and I instantly knew something was wrong. She was in New York and was with her sister. I hoped nothing had happened to her. I was suddenly wide awake.

"What's wrong?" I asked and heard Jo struggle with speaking. My heart started pounding and I knew it was bad. Dread spread through me.

"Rog...it's John Lennon...he's dead..." she told me in a choked voice. I couldn't believe what she was saying. It was impossible.

"What?" I asked and tried to process her statement. 

"He's dead!" she told me in a clearer voice. "He was shot and killed tonight..." she explained. I felt my chest swell with pain. How could he be dead? What did she mean? Shot? Killed?

"Are you sure Jo?" I questioned and hoped maybe it was a mix up or something. 

"It's true...it's all over the radio...the television...somebody shot him outside his home and he died at the hospital..." she said. What she told me made it undeniable. My breathing felt labored and I tried to sit up in bed. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. 

"Why?" was all I could say. Why did this happen? Who would do this? 

"They don't know...they caught the guy...he's in custody...but they don't know much more...I just wanted you to know..." Jo explained. "I know what he means to you...I'm so sorry Rog..." 

It did feel like someone I knew and loved had died. I seemed shattered inside and just sat there hearing her words go through my mind. I leaned forward and held my head in my hand. Shock taking over me.

"Are you there?" I finally heard her ask me. It pulled me from my trance and I nodded without thinking. Forgetting she couldn't see me.

"Thanks for calling..." I told her in a blank voice. I realized the time difference from where she was calling. "It's late Jo....get some rest...I'll talk to you soon..." 

"Alright...I love you..." she told me. It helped to know how much she cared. That she had called.

"Love you too....good night..." I replied and somehow managed to hang up the phone. I leaned forward again and placed my head in both hands and tried to process the news. It was just too much to take in. I had just heard his new single on the radio and hadn't had time to buy his new album. It had been five years since he released anything and it was so marvelous to hear from him again. And now he was gone. This genius! This man who had inspired so much in me! He was gone! Taken from the world. As the reality sunk in my emotions started taking over. I gasped out loud and suddenly felt alone with my pain. I wanted comfort. Without thinking I got up from my bed and somewhat stumbled through the closet into the other bedroom. The room was lit by moonlight as I opened the door and went in.

I headed straight for Brian. I didn't hesitate as I reached the bed and saw him sleeping peacefully on his back. I wanted that peace right now. I wanted a few more hours of ignorance. Of not knowing what I know. The reality of it started to crush me and I climbed onto the bed and reached for him. I grabbed at his t shirt as I landed near him. On him. The tears were coming as he woke up.

"Rog?" he said in confusion and I gasped again as I clung to him and looked up at him. His face erupted in worry at the sight of me. "What's wrong?' he asked me.

"Lennon!" I said and then tried to breath. "He's dead!" Brian's face shifted to shock and he took hold of me. Just like me his expression held disbelief. "Jo called from New York....somebody shot him..." I explained. "They shot him! He's dead..." Brian's grip on me tightened and I felt better just being in his arms.

"Why? Why would someone shoot him?" Brian asked me as his voice began to reflect emotion. 

"They don't know...they got the guy though..." I told him. "I can't believe it Bri....he's gone..." I held onto Brian and buried my face in his chest. It was the safest place I know and I needed to feel safe for some reason. He had his arms wrapped around me and pressed me closer.

"Shit!" Brian finally gasped out. "Oh my god!" Brian exclaimed and made a pained sound. "He's got kids....his youngest is..." his voice disappeared. I then realized what Brian was thinking. His youngest son is close to Tiger Lily's age. I didn't even want to fathom the thought. The loss. I could feel Brian begin to cry over the sound of my own steady tears. We were locked together in shock and emerging grief as we laid in our bed and tried to begin to understand the loss to ourselves and to the world.

\-------------------------------------

The cigarette in my hand had burned down to the quick but I hadn't noticed. I was too absorbed in watching the news. Hearing what they knew. Still trying to process it all. I sat slumped on the sofa in our bedroom with a blanket pulled over me. Brian was downstairs with the children. We had kept Tiger Lily home from school. We both felt clingy with her right now. Her and Jimi both.

I realized my cigarette was spent and tossed it in the ashtray as I felt numb seeing the images of the people gathered outside John Lennon's apartment building in New York. Their faces were glazed over and some were emotional. I was a mix of both. The telephone rang and I hoped Brian would answer it. When it rang a few times I realized it was our private line. I shifted over and answered it.

"Yes....." I said in a flat voice.

"Rog...I take it you've heard..." It was Freddie. 

"Yeah...Jo's in New York...she called me a few hours ago..." I explained. 

"It's unbelievable..." Freddie said in a quiet voice. "It seems like a bad dream..." he remarked. I made a flustered sound. 

"Well believe it!" I countered harshly. "It's real!" I said bluntly. 

"We have to do something..." Freddie told me next and I leaned back against the sofa and tried to surmise what we could possibly do. He's gone! What can you do about that? 

"What do you have in mind?" I asked him as I watched the tv screen and the continued images of a lost icon.

"Where is Brian?" he asked me.

"Downstairs...with the kids..." I replied. 

"Get him on the phone with us..." 

Later that night

Deacy and I shared a solemn look between us as we walked out to join Brian and Freddie on the stage. They had just finished Love of My Life. When Brian saw us he began strumming the chords. I steeled myself as I noticed the crowd start to understand what we were doing. Freddie was poised and focused as he began. I noticed he still had the piece of paper with the lyrics in the palm of his hand but I knew he wanted to make sure he got the words right.

Imagine there's no heaven  
It's easy if you try  
No hell below us  
Above us only sky  
Imagine all the people living for today

I stood and tapped my tambourine but it felt so insignificant. The sound all but disappeared as the crowd began to sing along. I opened my mouth and formed the words but it was almost too much. I felt overcome with emotion seeing the pain in the faces of the first few rows. Tears sliding down cheeks as they sang those words. Conveying their own feelings about the loss.

I glanced over at Brian who remained focused on his playing. How he managed to remain stoic was beyond me. Freddie's posture was tall and proud as he paid tribute to our fallen hero. That rock god who had come before us. Paved the way and inspired so much. Whose humanity and being 'oh so human' reminded us we are imperfect but powerful. And now he reminded us we are mortal. And the reality of it hurt.

I found my voice and sang out. Needing Lennon to know how much he meant to me. I felt the sting of tears in my eyes and ignored it as I belted out those words. Lennon's ponderance of a better world. That poetry.

You may say I'm a dreamer  
But I'm not the only one  
I hope some day you'll join us  
And the world will be as one

As we neared the end it consumed me and I stopped tapping my tambourine and brought my hand to my mouth to cover up the quivering that had started. I was on the verge of losing it and bit down on my fist to stave off the avalanche of emotion. Freddie finished and the crowd erupted in applause and got to their feet. It was an appropriate response in my book. Even though we had only rehearsed it a few times before the show the intent was clear and Freddie's delivery conveyed our message. As Freddie calmed the crowd I marched back to my kit and tried to find my resolve for the rest of the show.

We finished and it seemed we were all emotionally spent as we left the stage. The usual bravado and post concert energy wasn't there tonight. Everyone had the same thing on their minds. After a brief drink and discussion of how the song went down we went our separate ways. Brian and I sat in the limo and stared out the windows in silence. Trying to come down from the show and still trying to come to terms with what happened. That same silence brought us home and into the house. We both pulled off our coats and hung them up. I looked at Brian and for some reason became emotional again. I couldn't explain why. Maybe it was the sadness in his eyes. Partly there because of Lennon. Partly there because of us. Without a word he took my hand and led me to the stairs. We climbed together and remained silent. Fingers enter twined.

We reached the landing and I dreaded going to my room and being alone. I leaned into Brian and he somehow knew what I was thinking. Feeling. The weariness had set in. He turned to face me and pulled me into his arms. With no words or indications he lifted me up and I eagerly accepted being carried to our room. I wrapped my arms around his neck and laid my head on his shoulder. He had a tight grip on my lower half as he walked through to our inner sanctuary. My legs wrapped around his narrow waist. Feeling safe and secure.

He sat me on the bed and I sighed heavily as I began to undress in a seated position. I was wiped out and moved slowly to remove my shirt and trousers. Brian walked to his side as I turned around and peeled back the duvet and got under the bedsheets. Ready to give in to my fatigue and pall from this day. I let my head fall into the pillows and Brian slid in next to me. I immediately rolled over to rest my head against his chest. Brian pulled me close and held me against him.

We both laid there in the darkness and Brian gently stroked my hair. It was soothing and my eyes were closed. I drifted a bit from wakefulness to some level of sleep. My mind not quite letting me drift off completely. I felt Brian placed a kiss on my forehead and I didn't realize how much I needed it until he did it. I slowly lifted my head up until I was near his mouth and pressed a kiss to his face. It landed somewhere near his mouth. Brian adjusted his angle and our lips met in a lazy kiss. I didn't open my eyes and just gave in to the urge for connection. Our mouths didn't move a lot and we mostly stayed locked together. Breathing in each other's essence and savoring the comfort. After a while we parted and I slowly turned to get more comfortable on my side. Brian came right up behind me and tucked me into his body and wrapped a protective arm around me. And it was what I needed to finally fall away.

Brian's POV

Sleep evaded me. Having Roger in my arms and being able to console him right now was worth it. I buried my face in his hair and neck and relished every second. My arm cradling his waist. My thoughts were reeling and having him here was soothing for me. Knowing he was safe and so were our children. And my fear of losing him due to our recurring problems was replaced with the reality that I could lose him to so much more. Lennon's death made me realize that.

I laid there and listened to Roger breathing and was grateful for it. I couldn't begin to image the loss that John's widow was feeling. His children. His former bandmates. The world. He had chosen to silence his voice five years ago to focus on his family. I found it admirable. Now when he was ready to share that voice again it was silenced. It felt so wrong and nothing could make me reconcile why one human could do this to another.

Right before dawn I came to the conclusion that Roger asking for time apart to get some space and perspective wasn't the worst thing in the world. We had both made mistakes and we both needed to reflect and find the best way forward. As I was able to let go of my intrusive thoughts and settle into sleep I decided to acquiesce. And trust in our love.

20th December 1980 

Surrey

Roger's POV

This felt real. It felt normal and I forgot about who I am when I'm on the road or in a studio or being interviewed. I let go of my identity when I meet the fans and my persona that is put forth in magazines and newspapers. Right now I am just another parent at their child's Christmas program and never in my wildest dreams could I imagine how beautiful it felt. I glanced over at Jimi in Brian's lap as he tried to hold our son and also take pictures. It was a precarious venture. Brian had one arm wrapped around Jimi and was trying to hold up his camera with the other. It was almost comical and seemed like an accident waiting to happen. I finally reached for Jimi and he let me pull him away from Brian and got settled in my lap.

"She's coming up soon...keep watching..." I whispered to Jimi as he leaned back against my chest. He rolled his head back to peer up at me and we shared an excited smile. I pressed a kiss to his hair and he then resumed watching the stage. So did I.

Mia was seated next to Brian and Clare was on the other side of me. Brian's parents were next to Clare and my Mum and Trevor had the remaining seats in the aisle of the auditorium here at Faircroft Academy. It was our daughter's first program and I felt immense pride at seeing her debut. She was only singing in the choir but it was still a monumental moment in her young life. My mother had fussed about the white robe Tigs had to wear over her clothes before we left the house. She told me it reminded her of my days in the youth choir. We had loaded up the cars and hurried off to the school so Tiger Lily would be there on time to join her classmates. It was a full house to watch the program and I spied several other noted people in the entertainment field. Stars in their own right. But tonight our children were the stars.

Speaking of stars - it had been a somewhat space themed program. Much to Brian's delight. Instead of the boring old nativity and some somber hymns, the school had performed a play about two aliens in a craft that land on Earth at Christmastime and experienced the ways different cultures celebrate the holiday. It was a breath of fresh air and contained humor and humanity. We had all enjoyed the departure from the usual fare. The curtains opened after the brief intermission ended and the choir was lined up on risers at the left side of the stage. The backdrop of outer space was still up behind the set. The alien craft opposite the choir. The two older children who had played the aliens remained seated in their ship and the backdrop was being moved around slowly to imply their travel.

A couple of acoustic guitars began playing and the children broke into Silent Night. It was quite appropriate for the mood of the play and my eyes were glued on my child. She stood tall in the middle row and sang without any sense of self consciousness. Her golden hair had a halo placed on top like the other choir children and she looked like an angel in the stage lighting. We all sat and enjoyed the lovely sounds of the children's high voices joined in song. They did a few more traditional songs and then reached the last number. The acoustic guitars started up again and I instantly recognized the song. My chest welled up hearing it and those angelic voices brought tears to my eyes.

As I sat spellbound by the performance I felt something touch my hand. I looked down to see Brian's arm had slipped over the armrest and his hand was reaching for mine. Without a thought as to who might see I took it and laced his fingers with mine. 

So this is Christmas and what have you done  
Another year over, a new one just begun  
And so this is Christmas, I hope you have fun  
The near and the dear ones, the old and the young  
A very merry Christmas and a happy new year  
Let's hope it's a good one without any fears

Everyone in the auditorium began to sing along and we joined in. I was certain there were a few tears shed here tonight. Some were my own. But joined in song and celebration it seemed fitting. Remembering a man who had touched so many and singing a song that united us all.

As the song ended with the sentiment about the new year being a good one I felt real promise for 1981. Even though I was still going through with moving to the cottage and heading for Montreux right after the holidays I had a renewed faith that things would be okay. Brian had come around to the idea of taking a break and taking stock. We had talked for hours about how it would work and I sensed a commitment from him to see it through.

This year began with the death of Ellie. Tiger Lily's grandmother. And many other deaths followed. I had to bid farewell to my beloved John Bonham and now had to accept John Lennon's fate. It was tough but I wasn't ready to accept the death of my marriage and felt renewed belief that Brian and I would find our way back to each other and find a better way to live together.

A very merry Christmas and a happy new year  
Let's hope it's a good one without any fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - I read a fan's account of seeing Queen's performance on December 9, 1980. Their recollection of Roger while they sang Imagine made me cry. I could see easily see it in my head. I have seen so many interviews with Roger where he spoke of his admiration for John as an artist, this chapter felt like one that had to be written. Brian also conveys a lot about Lennon's influence in his life. Both of them have covered Lennon songs during their solo work. Roger recorded 'Working Class Hero' for his 'Electric Fire' album and Brian sang 'God' during some live shows in 1993.
> 
> If you are interested in reading the fan's account, go to www.queenlive.ca and select the year of 1980. You want the concert in London for the 9th of December.
> 
> A recording of Queen performing the song 'Imagine' that night is available on Youtube. It is audio only.


	127. But Someday, One Day, You'll Come Home...

FYI - There are frequent POV changes in this chapter.

3rd January 1981

Surrey

Brian's POV

I was getting used to waking up alone and I didn't much like it. But it is my reality right now and I accepted it. Roger had left for Montreux right after New Years and we had parted on friendly terms. He took the evening flight out yesterday and would be gone until the beginning of February. He would finish his album and I would be with the kids.

After Lennon's demise I had a shift in my thinking and some things didn't seem as important as they were before and other matters took on new meaning. Roger and I had talked for hours after we finished our tour and agreed that taking this time would be good for us. To decide what we both really wanted in our relationship and how we achieve it going forward. We were talking, which was good. We just needed to regain our trust and a new direction in our lives.

With Roger being gone I felt it was important to focus on the children. We had been gone so much this past year and missed a lot. So I committed to spend this month just being a father and even set my alarm so I could be up and ready to be on their regular schedule. I forgot it was Saturday when I rose this morning and used the toilet. I was washing my hands and getting ready to brush my teeth when I heard the sound of someone running in my bedroom. I stuck my head out the door and found Jimi bounding up to me.

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" he yelled as he approached. He looked so excited as he ran on his short legs; clad in his footed pajamas. 

"What is it?" I asked as he came up and reached for my hands. He took hold of my hand and began pulling me out of the bathroom. "Where are we going?" I questioned as he began walking quickly and dragging me along. 

"My show is on! Come see!" he shouted and began leading me from my room. 

"Alright...I'm coming..." I answered and laughed a bit at his exuberance. We moved quickly down the stairs and headed for the family room. One of the smaller living areas had a television and was not as formal as the main living space. I saw the television was already warmed up when we arrived. There was a news break on and Jimi scrambled up onto the oversized couch and turned to face the television.

"My show!" he said and pointed to the picture on the screen. I took a seat next to him and saw his program had started. Both he and Mia had told me about this new children's show but I had not been home to see it. Now I had the time and gave my son my undivided attention as the episode began. The program was about a crew of space fighters and was done with marionettes. It was called Star Fleet and had a catchy theme song.

Jimi rolled into my side as we watched and I felt closer to my son. Connecting with him again on his time and not my own.

10th January 1981

Montreux

Roger's POV

"I'm going for another take..." I told Dave and he nodded as he set the tape to record. He signaled to me and I began playing the acoustic guitar backing track for the song. I could hear the lyrics going through my head as I strummed. It was such a nice change to be doing this and not stuck sitting behind the drums waiting for someone else. As much as I love Queen; I am loving this as well. After the arguments during The Game it was so nice to get to make all the decisions and play what I wanted for each instrument. My songs and my sound. All of it my way.

Of course this also meant it was all the responsibility and the work was on me to finish. And time was flying by. I was happy that I was down to the last few songs and this was the last backing track I needed. I finished up the guitar for 'Laugh or Cry' and picked up the bass next. David and I worked on a few run throughs and then I managed to get the bass down after three takes. Progress! And the drums were done in one take. I returned to the mixing booth so we could finalize the backing track. After an hour of making changes I stepped back in the recording booth and focused on the vocal. I lost track of time as we went through several takes and settled on the next to the last one. It was 2 am when we called it a night. I was feeling pretty high from finishing this song up and it carried me back to the hotel. Crystal dropped me at my room after a late meal at a nearby all night cafe.

I shed my clothes and took a quick shower. I found a bottle of whisky in the mini fridge and got settled on my bed wrapped in a thick robe. It was too late for television and I found myself actually missing Brian's company as I drank in the quiet of my hotel room. On an impulse I picked up the phone and dialed our private number at home. As soon as it began ringing I realized he might be asleep and proceeded to hang up. But I heard him answer.

"Hello..." he said in a quiet voice. 

"Hey....it's me..." I could hear some type of background noise and wondered what he was doing at this time of night.

"Hey Rog...." he said back in a happier tone.

"I didn't wake you did I?" I asked. 

"No...I couldn't sleep...been up for a bit actually..." he remarked. "I'm playing Asteroids..." he informed me. This game had just released for his Atari system and he was keen to get it. I could easily picture him sitting on the sofa in our bedroom with the controller in his hands and the phone pressed against his shoulder and ear. I had to smile at the imagery of it. A rather oversized and overaged teenager.

"What's your score?" I asked with a smirk on my face. 

"I've just reached 16,000..." he answered then suddenly groaned. "Fuck!" he said in a quiet shout. I assumed he had just lost. 

"Problems in space Bri?" I asked him with a touch of sarcasm. 

"Did you call just to pick on me?" he asked me back with a touch of his own cheek. I was happy he was amused with my teasing.

"To be honest...I called because I missed the sound of your voice..." I confessed. The phone was quiet and I wondered if he was still there. A minute passed before he spoke.

"You did?" he questioned with disbelief. I took a quick sip of my drink.

"Yes...as a matter of fact..." I responded. I swear I could feel him smile through the phone. "I had a really productive day and was capping it off with a whisky and wanted to hear your voice before I went to sleep..." I explained to him. I began to understand something as I said those words. I was accustomed to his voice being the last thing I heard before I slept. And I missed it being there. We were both silent for a minute as we absorbed this fact.

"I'm glad things went well for you in the studio...what did you do today?" he asked. I began to explain the work I did on this song and he listened intently as I went over each step. He was encouraging and enthusiastic in his comments and I felt respected and appreciated as a musician. I also felt his affection as we discussed my project. Before I knew it an hour had gone by and I found myself yawning.

"I need to get some sleep..." I admitted as I set my empty glass on my nightstand.

"It is quite late..." Brian agreed. "Make sure you are getting enough sleep Rog...I know that kind of schedule is taxing..." he reminded me. It was nice to be cared about. 

"I will and thanks for listening..." I said back gratefully. "You get some sleep as well..." 

"Alright...I do have to get some of our fan mail looked at tomorrow...we're desperately behind...its my turn to write a letter for the fan club..." Brian answered. 

"A rock star's work is never done..." I told him with mock seriousness. "Even on holiday..." I said with amusement. "Good night Brian..." I said to him and then felt strongly that I should state the obvious. It seemed to matter more right now than it had in a while. "I love you..."

"I love you too Rog...more than you'll ever know..." he replied. "Good night..." 

12th January 1981

Surrey / London

Brian's POV

I never got to my giant stack of fan mail yesterday. On an impulse I took the kids to see my parents in Feltham and Mia got some time to herself. We enjoyed a nice lunch and the kids and I played with a train set my father had constructed in the spare room. When we returned home we all watched a film from the growing stack of movies Roger had bought for our home video machine. Mia popped some popcorn and we shared some blankets in the family room. It was a copy of Disney's The Jungle Book and I had the sneaking suspicion it was a bootleg. I would have to remember to ask Roger about it when he gets back. As we all watched, I fondly recalled my phone conversation with Roger in the middle of the night. It was a nice change from some of our volatile exchanges in the past year. We laughed a lot and I was actually intrigued and excited by Roger's work in the studio. I began to feel a great deal of pride at his accomplishment. Not everyone could play all the instruments on their own album. But Rog could and did. He told me Dave was helping out with the synthesizers but he was arranging and producing the entire record. Not even Freddie could do all this and I actually looked forward to hearing the final cut.

So today I had some business to attend to and excused myself from the kids as I went to my studio and opened the large canvas bag full of pre-sorted fan mail. I needed to get this finished before Clare arrived. She was going to the cinema with me later and then was staying over to spend some time with the kids. Before I even began to go through it I pulled out a piece of my Queen letterhead and penned a letter for the fan club. I talked about our recent tour and briefly mentioned the holiday break. I thanked the fans for coming to our European shows and at home and also thanked them for the gifts and cards they sent us for Christmas. I tried to not say too much about my personal life. I did mention my son and it hurt to leave out Tiger Lily. Roger would always mention her so she wasn't ignored. I kept my letter light and spoke of the excitement in returning to Japan and our scheduled dates in South America. I finished it up and laid it aside so I could read it over later.

I began to sort through my fan mail and pulled out several random letters. I opened the first and read their letter. It was a glowing review of our 'Live Killer's' album and a request for us to do a show in New Mexico on our next American tour. I opened a notebook I kept on my desk and jotted a reminder to inquire about this with Gerry Stickells. I grabbed some letterhead and wrote a brief response and pinned it to the fan letter. I went through several more letters and wrote a quick reply for each. I sorted through the remainder of the pile of mail and got frustrated when I realized some of the letters were addressed to Roger. They had mixed our mail up again. This happened last month. I sighed as I started putting his letters into a separate pile and wondered how many of my letters were in his mail bag. When I finished sorting I grabbed his stack and walked to his office next door. His bag was sitting on his desk so I went over and opened it and began going through it. 

'Sure enough..' I said out loud and began picking my letters out of his lot. I sighed at the task as Roger's mail stack was massive.

"Reading Roger's fan mail?" I heard someone say and recognized Clare's voice before I looked up to see her standing in the doorway. She had said it in a teasing manner so I grinned at her and shook my head.

"Sorting mine out from his..." I responded. "Our office mixed our mail up again..." I told her. 

"That's not very efficient..." she commented. I raised my head and gave her an agreeable expression. "It would have never happened when I handled the mail..." 

"You're right..." I said back. "Want to help?" I asked her. She walked in the room and I shoved part of the pile towards her. Clare sat on the edge of the desk and I noticed how nice she looked. Her hair had just been done before the holidays and she was wearing a new rose colored jumper that Roger bought her for Christmas. She began to quickly sort through the stack and pulled several out that were apparently mine. I was doing the same as we began to chat.

"Have you spoke to Roger since he left?" she asked me. 

"I have...we spoke for almost an hour the other night...it was quite nice actually.." I revealed. Clare grinned at me as she eyed the envelopes. 

"I'm glad to hear it..." she said and kept at her work. "Keep the faith Brian...you'll work this out..." she told me with confidence. 

"I do feel better about everything...especially after that talk..." I answered. We both resumed scanning the mail. 

"Hey Brian!" Clare said in an odd tone. "I think you might want to see this..." she suggested in a serious tone. I looked over as she held up a letter and I saw the envelope was addressed to Roger. At the edge of the envelope it said it was 'Private and Important.' I glanced up at the return address in the corner and my stomach flipped when I saw the name. It was M. 'Tilly' Ormsby-Hughes! I couldn't believe it! I reached out and took the letter from Clare.

"I don't bloody believe it!" I exclaimed. Clare looked at me with an eager expression.

"You should open it!" she told me. I couldn't. It was addressed to Rog. Not Queen and not me. It was wrong.

"No..." I responded. "If I want Roger to trust in me I can't do it...it will have to wait until he gets home..." I informed her. She seemed to understand.

"You're right...." she agreed. "But how can you wait to know what that letter says?" she asked. I couldn't wait. I was dying to know but a part of me was also a tiny bit afraid what it might say. 

"I'll let Roger know next time he calls..." I suggested. "Maybe he will want me to read it to him..." I proposed. Clare smiled at me.

"That sounds best..." she responded. She leaned over and kissed my cheek. "I hope whatever this letter contains it helps you more than it hurts you..." she commented.

"Me too...." 

16th January 1981

Montreux

Roger's POV

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked the secretary on the phone. I was unhappily surprised to find I wasn't going to have a publicist available to help with my solo album release. I ran my hand through my hair and reached for my cigarettes. This was not what I wanted to hear.

"The entire team is wrapped up in the tours right now....between Japan and South America and now Venezuela and Mexico....we've got no one to spare..." she explained. I sighed and fumbled for my cigarette lighter. I was on my own I guess. "I can make some calls and see if we can find an independent publicist to help out..." the secretary suggested. I knew of one myself and decided to make a call.

"I think I know someone who can help...let me make a call...if I still need someone I'll let you know..." I replied and hung up the phone. I reached for my bag and began looking for Dominique's business card. As soon as I did I remembered that Brian had found the card but I couldn't remember what he did with it. Shit! I contemplated trying to find out David Bowie's phone number but knew that could take hours. I then realized if I contacted Dominique for help I needed to be upfront about it with Brian. This was about business after all. I worked on my cigarette and finished it before picking up the phone. It actually rang first and I answered.

"Hello..."

"Hey Rog..." It was Deacy. 

"Oh hey Deaks..." 

"I was calling to see if you might be free to accompany me on a trip to L.A. at the end of the month..." he told me. 

"What for?" I questioned as I pulled out my datebook. 

"We're nominated for an American Music Award for my song and they've told us there's a good chance we'll win..." It was an exciting proposition. It wasn't The Grammys but then they had basically ignored us as a band. I was surprised he was asking me to go. Why not Freddie?

"You wouldn't prefer to take Freddie?" I questioned.

"I thought you and I might enjoy a moment of recognition without the others...they seem to get most of the glory..." he replied. He was right. Brian and Freddie do get most of the spotlight and this was a chance for the two of us.

"You're on!" I told him and scanned my calendar. "What are the dates?" I asked.

"The show is on the 30th...we would need to fly out the day before..." he told me. I was about finished with my record and had contemplated an early return to London to finish the album art and get my promotion in order.

"I guess you better book the 'Engine Room' on the first flight out then..." I replied. Deacy giggled in the phone at my reference to the two of us. * 

"This will be fun!" Deacy responded. "I'll call you with the details..." We hung up and I found myself looking forward to a little adventure with him. I then dialed home with a smile on my face. It rang several times before Brian answered.

"Hello..."

"It's me..." I replied.

"Oh hey Rog!" Brian said in a pleasant tone. "Oh! I'm glad you called because there is something I need to tell you..." 

"What's that?" I questioned.

"You got a letter from Tilly!" he announced. I was surprised but instantly felt a wave of relief wash over me. I hoped that she had heard from that reporter and finally responded to me.

"What does it say?" I asked him immediately.

"I didn't open it...it's addressed to you..." Brian replied. I felt Brian's respect for me when I heard those words. It was heartening. 

"You have my permission to open it..." I advised him. 

"You want me to read it to you?" he asked. 

"Yes..." 

"Okay...hang on...it's in your office..." I heard him lay the phone down and waited for his return.

"I've got it...the return address is in California..." he commented as I heard him tearing the envelope. I found it ironic that I was headed to that very place in two weeks. We had also been in that state multiple times since that article was published.

"Speaking of California..." I told Brian. "Deacy called me...I am flying out to L.A. with him on the 29th for the American Music Awards....we're nominated for his song..." 

"Wow!" Brian responded. "Okay..." I felt like Brian was disappointed and wasn't sure if it was him not being invited on the trip or me not coming home as soon. But this was legitimate business.

"We're coming right back after the show..." I pointed out. 

"It's fine..." Brian mumbled. "I've got the letter..." he announced. 

"Go ahead..." I told him.

Brian's POV

My hands were shaking for some reason as I began to read out the words. Roger seemed calm and it did strengthen my hope that this letter would explain away any misunderstandings.

Dear Roger -

This letter comes late and comes with a profound apology. 

"Bloody right it comes late!" Roger said with irritation.

"Just let me read it..." I interrupted him. 

This letter comes late and comes with a profound apology. One I owed you back in September of 79. I don't expect your forgiveness but I do owe you an explanation. First I need to tell you my story. When I lived at home in Surrey I met a girl named Meg at school. We became fast friends and began spending all our time together. We were soul mates and became inseparable. The first summer we spent together had us growing into something even more. We realized we were in love with each other.

"What the?" Roger cut in as I read the words. I was as surprised as he was.

"Wow!" I added to his comment.

"So if she was in love with her girlfriend...why did she say all that crap about me?" Roger questioned. 

"Let me read it!" I scolded. 

We kept our relationship secret but were discovered by Meg's father one careless day. He told my parents and we were forced apart. Meg's family sold Meadow Hall and she was sent to America to go to University. I was sent off to school in London and we were both miserable. We wanted to be together and both our parents kept tight control of our money to prevent that from happening.

When I first met you Roger it was entirely by coincidence. There was no plan or malice intended on my part. I found you to be a charming and kind person. Which makes what I did more terrible. I never mentioned to my mother that I had run into you. I was certain she would just say something crass about you. She is a judgmental and narrow minded bitch. I had dropped out of University by the time I saw you that day when I was with my cousin. I was broke and miserable and trapped in my home by my less than understanding parents.

The reporter who wrote the news story approached me after seeing us chat in the village. He asked if I knew you and my cousin boasted to him and implied I knew you better than I truly did. Between the promise of money for a story and my cousin filling my head with sordid tales of tabloid articles, I was coerced into giving a story that wasn't entirely true. It started out as a simple tale of a fan meeting a pop star; but was quickly twisted into something of an illicit nature. I was prodded for details about you and that dreadful Mr. Lewis started filling in blanks for his story. It somehow became a lurid tale and I was offered double the usual sum for my telling if I could offer up some type of proof of a dalliance with you. 

It was like reading a mystery novel and having to go to the next page to find out who did it as I flipped the letter over. My heart was pounding.

"What does she say?" Roger asked me anxiously. 

"I had to flip the letter over..." I grumbled to him. "Hang on..."

I have a confession to make. I had spent a few evenings loitering in your back garden and sitting at your pool. Remembering happier times and enjoyed dipping my legs in the water. I know this was trespassing and I am sorry for invading your property and your privacy. It was on one of these evenings that I happened to see a light come on in the kitchen and without thought I went to the window to see who it was. I'm afraid that I caught sight of you Roger standing in your kitchen and you were nude. When you turned around I saw the small tattoo you have at the top of your bottom. It was so wrong of me to be standing at your window and so wrong of me to mention this very private fact to the reporter. 

I was paid handsomely for my story and for accepting the lies inserted into my telling. The lies that made it the scandal laden article it became. As soon as I received payment I cashed the check and fled England with one suitcase and my passport in hand. I ran away from my family and my country and ran into the arms of my girlfriend. I should have felt it was my happily ever after but I've been troubled by my actions over time and guilt about the money.

I have kept close tabs on you in the press and never saw any fallout regarding this article. I still saw pictures of you with that woman named Jo and never heard of any problems for you romantically. I hope that is the case but I also know that I hurt you none the less. I lied about you and was paid for those lies. Even if no harm was done to you personally and professionally it was still wrong and I am forever ashamed of my actions.

I don't know your feelings about lesbians or homosexuals in general. I would hope that being in the profession you are that you would be open minded and accepting. While I hate everything I have done to you and hate myself for doing it I cannot say I regret my chance at real happiness in life. I have provided my address and phone number if you wish to pursue any legal recourse against me. I know this letter is basically a confession. Do what you must. I would prefer going forward in my life with my conscience cleared.

Regards

Matilda 'Tilly' Ormsby-Hughes

P.S. I now go by just Tilly Hughes

Roger and I were both quiet on the phone as we absorbed the letter. While I felt immense relief in knowing the entire story behind that tabloid article I also felt incredible guilt in doubting my husband.

"The fucking irony!" Roger exclaimed and made a sound of disbelief in the phone. "Here was fucking Alan Lewis pouring lies into her story and the actual truth about her own life or ours was more salacious than the bullshit he concocted for her..." 

"I'm sorry..." I told him. "I really should have believed you...and I didn't....I'm sorry Rog..." I told him sincerely. 

"I'm sorry that I behaved so badly in the past that you had to find doubt in my word...." he confessed. 

I stood at my desk and was struck as how simple our words to each other were. How calm and genuine. How clear and concise. Where were these simple declarations before now? Why did we have to go down a path of mistrust and anger and drama to get here?

"How is it we just summed up what we needed to say to each other in two sentences and we both heard what we needed from each other and it took all this time to do it?" I said out loud to him.

"I don't know Bri...." he responded. "Maybe because we are human and we have to sort through all those bloody feelings before we can rationally arrive at the apparent core of the matter..." he suggested. I laughed a little at his sound argument. 

"At the end of the day Rog...I really do trust you..." I stated. "I need to remember that when I let my head get the best of me..." I told him. 

"I can't control your mind Brian...but as long as I have your heart...then I'm alright..." Roger responded. I truly felt like we had made a breakthrough on this phone call. I smiled and my heart felt full.

"Trust me....you have my heart...you always have..." I assured him.

"I'm close to finishing and should be home early...I do need to take care of some business when I get back...speaking of which..." Roger told me and I was thrilled to hear I would see him sooner than later. Feeling like we would be in a better place. "I need to ask if you kept that business card for Dominique..." His question was a great tell on how I truly felt right now about us. I wasn't put off by it and didn't question why he wanted it.

"I think it's in my bag...hang on..." I told him and sorted through my bag until I found it. "I've got it...let me know when you're ready for her number..." I told him calmly and confidently. 

"Just so you know...I'm in need of a publicist...our folks are tied up with our tours..." he explained. "Since she knows about us I just thought it might make things easier...and she was completely professional when I last saw her..." I appreciated Roger's words and intention.

"That makes sense to me..." I responded. "Do you have a pen?" I asked. I read off her information and he read it back to me. 

"Thanks....I need to give her a call and head to the studio..." he advised. "I'll call you later and update you on my schedule..." 

"Sounds good..." I replied. Tiger Lily came running into my office and she saw me on the phone.

"Is that Papa?" she asked. I smiled and nodded at her.

"Rog...someone needs a quick word before you hang up..." I told him. Tigs came up to the side of my desk and held out her hand. I gave her the phone.

"Papa...it's me!" she told him and quickly went off into a story. I sat back and listened and enjoyed her banter on the phone. She leaned against the desk as she held the handset; twirling the cord in her small hand. She then gestured dramatically as she told Roger all about her plans to have a sleepover with her friend Lulu. Things were starting to feel normal again and I was grateful for it.

22nd January 1981

Montreux to London/Surrey

Roger's POV

I finally finished the mixing of my last track and decided to leave today if I could catch a flight. After a rushed phone call by the hotel concierge to the airline I was told there were seats on a flight in one hour. Crystal was arranging to transport my equipment back to London so I was on my own as I took a taxi to the airport. I tossed the payment to the driver and took off into the airport in a hurry. It was a tense wait at the check in counter as they verified my ticket and passport and checked my suitcase. I clenched my boarding pass in my hand as I sprinted to the gate.

I barely made it and the airline attendant re-opened the door for me to make the fast walk down to the plane. I was lucky there was a first class spot and was seated and buckled as the plane door was closed and we began our journey to the runway. As soon as we took off a glass of champagne was placed in my hand and I settled in for my flight.

I was actually looking forward to being home. In fact I couldn't wait. I had continued calling Brian at night and had some of the best conversations we have had in years. I felt a connection to him again that I hadn't realized had been lost. I'm not sure if it was being so busy with the kids or the band or just time itself. For the first time in months I was feeling real promise that things would okay between us and we could move forward. Together. Time apart had been a good thing.

We landed in London and I saw it had snowed just like Brian had told me on the phone last night. The roads home weren't too bad but it was a long trip to Surrey. I grew anxious to see everyone as we approached my property. I entered the security code and the driver went through the gate. Our estate was magnificent looking with the heavy snow everywhere. The tree tops were capped white and the air was cold and crisp as we wound our way to the drive in front of the house. Seeing all the family cars parked in their usual places. I was out of the hired car and taking my suitcase as I stepped in the front door.

"Brian!" I shouted out as I heard nothing. Just an eerie silence. There was no response and I left my suitcase in the foyer and began walking through the house. I didn't find anyone and wondered where they had all gone. As I walked past a wall of windows I heard something that sounded like laughter and stopped and peered out the glass. At the far end of the garden I saw bundled up silhouettes and realized everyone was out in the snow. I ran to the back door and took off towards them. Wanting to see them and wanting to be with them.

Brian's POV

"Pack that side of the ball..." I told Tiger Lily and watched her mitten covered hands pat at the edge of the gigantic snow ball we had formed for the base of our snowman. Jimi was working on the middle snow ball with Mia and I was figuring out what we needed to do next to make sure we had a great looking snowman. I suddenly felt myself get pummeled with a large snow ball. I turned around to see if Mia had somehow snuck a snowball at me. 

But my heart leapt as I saw Roger come walking towards me holding another snow ball and he started laughing as he proceeded to launch it at me. I tried to avoid as I dealt with the surprise in seeing him. He was wearing one of his fur coats and didn't have on clothes or shoes suitable for being in the snow. He didn't seem to notice or care and I began laughing at the sight of him and feeling joyous to see him back home. The snowball skirted my shoulder and went behind me. 

"Papa!" I heard both kids shout and I smiled as Roger began running towards me.

"You're home!" I told him wearing the biggest smile I could muster. He was smiling back as he got close and I realized he was going to tackle me. I relaxed my body and let him take me down as I laughed and got the wind knocked out of me. We landed in the deep wet snow and for once in my life didn't care how wet and miserable I would soon be. Roger landed on top of me and grinned as he looked me in the eyes and held me down as he straddled my middle.

Before either of us could say anything I heard the screams of our kids as they both jumped on Roger and then on me. A poorly matched snowball fight ensued between us and Mia and the kids. Whatever Roger and I wanted to say to each other could wait. This moment was more important. It was my hope that Roger and I had many great moments ahead of us. Moments shared together. Shared with our family. I launched a snowball at his beautiful face and felt a joy I hadn't known in a long long time and the promise of a future together.


	128. The Lilly Of The Valley...Doesn't Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter in this part of the story. It seems like an odd place to end but things are changing. Please look for part 3 of this series. It is titled - Who Wants To Live Forever. Thanks for reading.

6th August 1981

Munich Germany - Musicland Studios

Deacy's POV

"Ronnie really liked this one..." I told Freddie as we looked at some photographs I brought for him to see. Freddie beamed as he looked at himself with my sons. A photo taken during our tour in South America. He was on the bus and Robert and Michael were seated on either side of him. I felt it captured their ease at being with their Uncle Freddie. He was such a natural with kids. Ronnie had commented on it more than once to me.

"Oh! I love it! Can I get a copy of it?" Freddie asked as he gazed fondly at my boys. I nodded to him and he smiled at me. "Lovely..." he responded and clapped his hands with delight and then began looking through the remaining pictures. I took a sip of my tea and pondered having a snack. I got up and went to see what was in the cupboard. 

"Want something?" I asked him and Freddie shook his head. 

"No...thank you darling..." Freddie responded. I found a small packet of cheddar crisps and carried them to the table. "You'll spoil your dinner..." Freddie said in a tone that reminded me of my mother. 

"Ratty's taking forever...I'm hungry..." I argued. Freddie scoffed at me and resumed looking at the pictures. I decided to wait for our food and shoved the packet to the center of the table. I slumped in my chair and felt my stomach growl. Freddie tucked the photos back in their sleeve and handed them to me. 

"Thank you for bringing them..." he told me with affection in his face. "We did had a good time..." he remarked as I placed the photos in my bag. 

"We did..." I agreed. "And Venezuela will be grand..." I added; thinking about our brief tour there next month. Mack came into the room wearing a smile and walked over to us holding up a bundle of mail.

"You've got some post..." he commented and set the stack on the table. Freddie proceeded to grab his pile. I reached for mine. It was what I expected. My magazines and a few letters. A catalog. Freddie's face lit up as he began tearing an envelope. We left Roger and Brian's mail on the table. They could get it when they return in two days. Mack slid into the booth next to us and glanced at the door. "Where's the food?" he questioned. I shrugged as Freddie pulled out a letter and what appeared to be some newspaper clippings. 

"Ratty's late..." I answered and saw Freddie reading the letter with a pleasant smile. He had lots of friends who he corresponded with. He particularly enjoyed postcards. I noticed a few of those in his stack as well. Before I could ask who the letter was from Ratty burst into the room carrying a large paper tote.

"Sorry!" he whined. "They fucked the order up and I had to wait for them to fix it..." he informed us as he dropped the food bag on the table. Looking exasperated. I stood up and peered into the bag and began pulling out the foam containers. I emptied the bag and noticed Freddie's smile had disappeared as he finished his letter. I hoped it wasn't bad news. He picked up one of the newspaper clippings.

"It's alright..." I told Ratty in a friendly tone to make him feel better. We got busy opening the cartons to see which food was in each one and soon sorted our meals. "Here you go..." I said and shoved Freddie's container his way. His smile returned as we all proceeded to eat our Thai food. Mack told us a funny story about when ELO had recorded there and Ratty made a quick departure. He actually had a date with a waitress from the Sugar Shack. Mack excused himself after he finished. Since we had finished early for the day he was taking advantage and spending the evening with his wife; Ingrid. Freddie and I were left alone as I got up to trash my container.

"Any big plans tonight?" I asked Freddie. I expected him to announce some fantastic gathering of his Munich regulars. A jaunt down to the gay district for some revelry. Freddie shook his head.

"I'm taking a break tonight..." he responded. "I've got a copy of an old movie I want to watch...and I need to rest my voice for tomorrow..." he explained. He looked at me intently.

"What are you doing?" he inquired. I shrugged. I had considered going to the Shack for a drink but without Ratty it wouldn't be as fun. 

"Probably just having a drink..." I replied. Freddie grinned at me. 

"You're welcome to have a drink with me..." he offered. We hadn't spent some time alone in ages and I decided to accept his offer. 

"Alright..." 

\----------------------------

I sat next to Freddie on the plush sofa in his hotel suite watching the movie. I had never seen the film before. It was called The Philadelphia Story. It had Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant and James Stewart in it. It was a comedy about a woman preparing to get married for a second time in a high society wedding in America. Hepburn isn't really in love with the man she is marrying but is doing what is expected of her by society and her family. James Stewart falls for her but she is still in love with her ex-husband, Cary Grant. It was funny and a bit sad in my book. Freddie adored every minute of it.

"It's kind of sad that she felt she had to marry someone she didn't love..." I remarked to Freddie as he took a drink of his vodka. 

"Yes...but its probably happened in real life more than we could ever imagine..." Freddie replied as he stretched his arms over his head and let out a relaxing sigh. "I mean...I almost got married to Mary...and that was partly based on pressure from my family and doing what was expected of me..." he pointed out. I gave him a questioning look.

"But you love Mary..." I reminded him. He nodded and fingered the packet of cigarettes on the side table. Considering a smoke. 

"Yes...I do...but not in the way I should in order to marry her..." he answered. "You should understand that..." he suddenly told me and opened his cigarette packet and slid one out. "You once loved me but couldn't see us having a real future together..." Freddie pointed out. I didn't like him implying that I used to love him. I still do, but not in the way he wants. Or needs.

"I still love you Freddie...just not in the way I should in order to marry you..." I responded; using his same choice of words. Freddie grinned at me as he lit his cigarette and then took a drag of off it.

"Wouldn't that have been a sight!" Freddie exclaimed as he mused about something inside his mind; breathing out smoke. "Our wedding would have been much grander than Brian and Roger's..." he said and seemed to be imaging the scene in his head. "Something for the ages..." I smiled at him to humor his whim. But I needed to keep his feet on the ground.

"Yes...but a wedding does not make a marriage Freddie..." I reminded him. "It's what happens beyond the ceremony that counts..." I picked up my own drink and swirled the dregs around. Watching for his reaction. He sighed again and then looked at me intently.

"You're right...you are where you are supposed to be..." he agreed. "I just wish I could figure out where I belong..." he said with a touch of sadness that made me reach over and rest my hand on his leg. Offering comfort. 

"You'll meet your Prince Charming..." I assured him and gave him an encouraging smile. He returned the smile and patted my hand. 

"I hope I haven't already met him and just completely fucked it up..." he said with honesty as his face expressed disappointment. With his situation. With himself. He took a drag of his cigarette and the looked at me with remorse in his eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I messed up with David...didn't I?" he questioned back. "Then I had my precious Joe and screwed that up as well..." he commented and then appeared frustrated. "Of course Tony was karma getting me back...eh?" he said to me as he worked to drain the last vestiges of his cigarette. I knew he was referring to catching Tony cheating on him. Not that he had been completely faithful. But Tony had flaunted his dalliances to their group of friends and embarrassed him. Freddie was a tad more discreet.

"Tony isn't worth the oxygen Freddie..." I said to show my support. He seemed pleased to hear this and then formed a droll expression again. 

"The one that got away was Vince..." he suggested to me. Ah Vince! A recent acquaintance in America. Freddie seemed keen on him and it never really took off.

"What happened with Vince?" I asked. Not sure what made it fizzle.

"I guess I was asking too much..." Freddie complained. "I thought I was offering him some adventure and excitement...I asked him to come on tour with me..." he explained. "But he turned me down...can you believe it?" he questioned with disbelief. I shrugged as I pondered getting another vodka. My glass was empty.

"Not everyone likes the road...Ronnie doesn't..." I pointed out. "I know we get something out of it other people don't..." 

"Of course we do...." he replied with a smug grin. "That's because we're the stars!" I loved the elation in his words. The return of confidence. The pride. I chuckled a bit at his cocky assuredness about our standing in the world. Freddie tittered at my reaction and his own words. We both calmed down and Freddie leaned over and gazed at me. I could see he was a bit drunk.

"Why didn't we make it Deacy?" he asked me in a voice that was rife with sadness. I knew his question was steeped in his current state of loneliness and the haze of alcohol. Not a real belief we would ever reconcile. I leaned his way and touched his arm. Wanting to comfort him. 

"Because we are different people...with a different path..." I answered sincerely. "Ours is one of friendship Freddie...not really lovers..." I knew this statement would make him frown but I had to explain my feelings. "I love you Freddie but it was never going to be what you need...what I need..." I clenched my hand on his arm to emphasize my point. "I know I'm lucky and I found something remarkable with Ronnie...with the kids...and that is what I need..." he seemed to understand this and found a semblance of a smile for me. 

"You are lucky...and your family is as special as you are..." he responded. We both smiled at his statement.

'You will find your happiness Freddie...I promise...you deserve it and you will find it..." he smiled wider at my assurance. He reached up with his hand and stroked my cheek.

"Thank you darling..." he told me with affection. We shared a warm expression and then he sighed and went to stand up. "This is apparently the year of happiness...I mean Brian and Roger have been so content with each other it's become a bit of a bore being with them..." he told me with a hint of sarcasm. I loved it when he complained about them.

"I know...I can't remember the last time they had cross words..." I pointed out and Freddie walked over to the bar in his suite and grabbed the vodka. "Maybe we can stir them up in the studio..." I suggested. Freddie formed a wicked grin and gestured at me with the vodka bottle.

"You're on!" he told me in a challenging voice. I noticed him yawn as he went to offer me some more vodka. It was late and I figured he needed to get some sleep. I sure do.

"I think I am going to call it a night..." I announced and stood up before he could pour me another drink. 

"Want to meet for brunch before the studio?" Freddie asked as he went to pour himself a fresh drink. I smiled at him.

"Sure...see you around noon..." I replied. Freddie went to set the vodka bottle on the table and it tipped over at the edge and spilled onto the table.

Shit!" he exclaimed and scrambled to get the bottle. He set it upright and walked to the bathroom. "Let me get a towel..." he mumbled as he went inside. I went over and began picking up the things at the far end of the table before they got wet. I grabbed his pile of mail and the letter on top fell to the floor. I bent down to pick it up and the newspaper clipping that had come with it was laying face up. I glanced at it as I collected his mail. It was a clipping from The New York Times.

'Rare Cancer Seen in 41 Homosexuals.' 

I scanned the brief article and found information about a number of gay men getting this rare form of cancer and that 8 had died rather quickly. I certainly wasn't a medical expert but found this a bit alarming. I knew now why Freddie had formed that dour look at dinner after reading the article. I hoped one of his friends hadn't contracted it. It explained his mood tonight. I was tempted to ask him about it but it was late and we both needed to get some sleep. I returned the article to the stack and set it on a side table. Away from the vodka spill. Freddie came back in with a bath towel and proceeded to soak up the mess.

"Need any help?" I asked him. He shook his head and bent down to wipe around the glass surface.

"I've got it...no use crying over spilled vodka..." he looked up and told me with a wink and we both grinned at his quip. 

"Well...I'm off then..." I told him. "Good night Freddie..." he stood up and smiled at me. For some reason I felt a compulsion and went with it. Feeling empathy for him and hating the loneliness that pervaded in his eyes. I reached for him and pulled him into my arms. He made a surprise gasp at my affection and I leaned in and gave him a quick kiss. His moustache tickled but I ignored it as we parted and Freddie beamed at me. 

"Good night John..." he told me in his gentlest voice. "Thank you for a lovely evening..." 

\--------------------------------

6th August 1981

Surrey

Roger's POV

I finished brushing my teeth and pulled my trousers off and tossed them in the clothes hamper. Tired and ready to unwind. Today had been Tiger Lily's 7th birthday and she had a small garden party with some school friends. We had finally met some of the kids she had in her class as well as their parents. It was an eye opening experience. We had never had people over in a capacity as parents before and were incredibly nervous about what questions or assumptions people might make. As the people arrived I couldn't help but recall that conversation I had with Brian's father all those years back. The complications of our personal situation and trying to give our children a normal life. He was right. It was tricky.

Maybe it was the fact that is was the summer holiday and people were relaxed and in good spirits or maybe it was the caliber of people who sent their children to Faircroft Academy. I don't know. But I was grateful for an ardent lack of questions or open judgement about our family dynamic. As we stood and greeted our guests no one seemed to bat an eye when Tiger Lily called me Papa and called Brian by Daddy in front of them. Of course there was also Aunt Clare and Nana Ruth and Grandpa Harold and Grandma Winnie. And she didn't forget her Mimi. Her beloved nanny. And now she would have to get used to calling Trevor by some kind of grand parent title. He and my mother were getting married in the fall. We were all happy for them. He treated my mother well and looked after her. He is a good man. Maybe this large contingent of family swallowed up any regard our guests had in them seeing Brian and myself as something more than friends.

Tigs was spoiled with presents and we had a large cake from the local bakery. She and her best friend Lulu were joined at the hip for the entire party. They are two peas in a pod. Lulu's mother came and was a lovely person. She is a divorced television actress who relies a lot on her nanny to help with her daughter. We had a lot in common trying to balance career and family. She asked us about Tigs going to a movie with Lulu next week and we guided her to Mia since we would be heading to Germany tomorrow. She loved that her daughter had made a good friend and was eager for them to spend time together since Lulu is an only child.

So the party ended and the family stuck around for awhile to visit. Brian's parents headed home and my Mother and Trevor went into London to stay for a few days to shop and see Clare. Clare had left with them and we cleaned up the mess and had a light dinner. Mia had a program she wanted to watch on television and we got the kids to bed.

I put on my pajama bottoms and went into my bedroom to find Brian sitting up in bed and writing in his journal. I sat my glass of water on the nightstand and crawled in next to him.

"I am beat!" I exclaimed and laid down on my back and looked up at him as I got comfortable. He focused on his writing so I just laid and watched his hand scribbling on the page.

"Sorry..." he finally said as he stopped. "I didn't want to lose my train of thought..." he explained. He leaned over and set his journal on the nightstand and then returned to shuffle down to lay on his side. I rolled over to face him and he smiled at me. 

"It was an interesting day..." I commented to him and he reached over and brushed my hair from my forehead. 

"Yes it was..." he agreed and laughed a little. "The good news is we managed to avoid any trouble with the parents..." he remarked. "No one seemed to care about our domestic situation..." I could tell he was as relieved as I am. 

"I actually managed to enjoy myself..." I told him as I shuffled closer to him for a cuddle. Brian seemed amused. 

"Who'd have ever thought that ole rock and roll Roger would enjoy a children's birthday party?" Brian teased. I went to move away from him as a punishment for his words.

"Fuck you!" I said back jokingly. Brian grabbed me as I tried to roll the other direction. He held me tight in his arms and pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"Softie!" he told me accusingly. I groaned at him in defense but he took hold of me and brought me up on top of him to straddle his hips. He was laughing at me and held me in place as he gazed up at me. "You are soft Rog..." he suddenly told me in a more serious tone and moved one of his hands up to touch my stomach. "Soft and beautiful..." he said in such a loving way I wanted to melt. I never tired of him telling me I was beautiful. It kept me young and kept me being in love with him. I leaned down and pressed my lips to his. I considered laying down and snogging him into oblivion but I heard a sound and quickly sat up to see Tiger Lily standing at the end of our bed. Shit! We had forgot to lock our door.

"Papa...are you playing with Daddy?" she asked as she eyed us curiously. I felt Brian freeze beneath me but I decided to relax and play it cool. I stayed in place and smiled at her.

"Yes...I was just getting ready to tickle him..." I informed her. She smiled as she drug her blanket behind her and came up to the side of the bed. 

"I'm tired...so I think I don't want to be tickled..." Brian suddenly announced. I turned to look at him and he gestured for me to get off him. I slid off as Tiger Lily watched us.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" she inquired. It wasn't uncommon for her or Jimi to want this if they knew we were leaving. I nodded to her and she began to climb up onto the bed. Brian slid over a bit to make room for her between us and I shifted around as she crawled over my legs to the middle. We all got situated and Brian turned off his lamp. Mine was still on and I reached over for a quick sip of my water before we went to sleep.

"Goodnight poppet..." Brian told Tigs and pressed a kiss to her forehead. I went to switch off my lamp when Tiger Lily spoke.

"Am I getting a new Mummy?" she suddenly asked us. I stopped what I was doing and tried to figure out where on earth this question was coming from.

"A new Mommy?" I asked her in surprise. "Why do you think you are getting a new Mommy?" Brian and I shared a quick look of shock and alarm at her question.

"Molly Kemp told me that her Mummy died and she got a new one..." Tigs responded. I knew that name. She was a classmate of Tigs. I presumed her mother must have died and her father re-married.

"So Molly's father married someone else?" Brian asked her before I could. Tigs turned and nodded to Brian. He glanced over at me as we tried to figure out how to respond to her question.

"I'm glad Molly got a new Mommy and that her father has someone to share his life with...but you're not getting a new Mommy..." I told my daughter. She seemed to be processing my words and then smiled at me.

"Peter has two Daddies!" she announced. I didn't know who Peter was but was curious what she was referring to. 

"Peter?" I questioned. 

"Peter...I can't remember his last name...he's in my class...he said he has two Daddies...like me..." she explained. "His first Daddy lives in London and his Mommy and new Daddy live by our school..." So it was a divorce and a second marriage. Not quite the same. 

"So his Daddies don't live in the same house?" Brian questioned. 

"No...but he has two...like me..." she countered. 

"You do have two...you're right..." Brian responded. I began to be curious about how much the other kids knew about her home situation since she knew so much about theirs.

"Did you tell your friends you have two Daddies?" I asked her. She shook her head and I was relieved.

"No...I told them I have one Daddy and one Papa..." she clarified. 

"Did you tell them that we all live in the same house?" I then questioned.

"Yes...I told them my Papa and my Daddy do everything together...you make music and go on tour and that you like to yell at each other a lot..." she informed us both. Brian and I sat open mouthed listening to her. Wondering what these kids thought and what they went home and told their parents.

"Did you tell them anything else about us?" Brian asked with a hint of anxiety in his voice. She shook her head.

"No...I only told Lulu that you kiss...cause that's stuff you only tell your best friend..." she remarked and I thought Brian was going to fall out of bed. Part of me wanted to laugh and another part wondered if I needed to pick up the phone and call Lulu's mother.

"And what did Lulu say when you told her we kiss?" I asked her with building dismay at what this might mean for us all. She shrugged a bit.

"Lulu said that if boys wanted to kiss boys that was just fine because boys are gross and she wasn't ever going to kiss one..." I did laugh at this and Brian practically gasped. Tigs began to giggle and she rolled over and tucked herself into my chest. She got quiet and clung onto me. Grabbing at my t-shirt. I could tell she was getting sleepy. Brian and I just looked at each other with amazement at the conversation we just had with our daughter. We were both speechless for a moment.

"Let's get some sleep princess..." I told her and brushed her hair away from her face. She looked up at me and smiled. 

"Good night Papa..." she told me softly. I pressed a kiss to her head and then smiled at Brian. He reached over and ran his hand over Tiger Lily's back. She shuffled at his touch. "Don't forget to kiss Daddy goodnight..." she reminded me. I instantly grinned at her words and Brian leaned over and we shared a tender kiss before he we both tucked in and closed our eyes. 

The End


End file.
